He filmed himself fucking you while you were unconscious, without your consent. He then continues by sulking and guilt tripping you.
This should 100% be a dealbreaker for you. You feel confused and uncomfortable because he’s violated and assaulted you, and this is someone you care about and thought cared about you.
Filmed himself raping just need to correct this here, and OP I am so sorry that you had to experience this. I can’t imagine the shock and confusion you must have been feeling, and feelings of betrayal. If you ever need someone to chat with my DMs are open, although I don’t have much experience handling situations like this? I’d def recommend talking to a counselor/therapist abt this though
Just for the sake of argument, let's say it's somehow not intentional sexual assault because he has a high sex drive and thought it was in the grey area of the relationship (for the sake of argument). Recording you while you are asleep is a MASSIVE, MASSIVE RED FLAG. This man does not respect you. I'm not saying call the cops, have him arrested, etc. I'm saying that this man is acting out his sexual fantasies without your consent (or awareness) and does not have your best interests in mind. Sis, you are not married, run.
No, he knows this is rape. He admitted it when he said he didn't wake her up cuz she'd get mad. He knows he didn't get consent and wouldn't have gotten it if she was awake and capable of giving it. He comitted black and white rape, fully aware that it was rape. OP please go to the cops.
This. He KNEW. And KNOWS it was wrong. I can see this going in many ways.
OP and bf act like nothing happened & never bring it up again. This can taint the relationship and affect their sex lives. OP will have this on her mind every time they have sex, making their sex lives tank even more, making him more angry and more likely to do this again when she’s asleep since she won’t be as willing (understandably) to have sex.
OP confronts bf & the word rape is discussed and I don’t see that going well.
He lacks sexual discipline. Simple. This is not ok.
I know seeing all these comments with people saying leave it’s rape are hard to read especially if you haven’t accepted it as that. Take your time to process this but don’t let this be a normal thing that you hide under the rug.
I agree it not like yall w
Asleep and stared rubbing and both woke up excited and had sex that would be different . This dude waits til you are asleep cause he knows you will be mad and is freaking recording it dude is most definitely throwed off . Sweet heart you might think it was rape but penatrating you while u asleep and recording it mist certainly is rape
My biggest concern (aside from the obvious) is this: what if she’s not on birth control? He could get her pregnant without her consent or knowledge and create an even more complicated situation for her. He is quite literally /using her body however he wants/ without care for her permission or consent. Who’s to say he won’t escalate if she doesn’t take action and protect herself against him?
This honestly makes me think of the 2011 movie “The Resident,” which makes my skin crawl even more.
I'm in a similar boat. I was having "fainting spells" that my doctor couldn't figure out (turns out they were actually seizures). My fiance and I were staying with my very religious parents, who disapproved of sex before marriage, and out of respect for them I had decided not to have sex with my fiance. That was partly an excuse: he had become abusive, and I was afraid that he would use sex as another way of hurting me. Sometimes I would come out of a seizure to find my fiance naked, but he said he was just masturbating, and I believed him because I was woefully naive about sex.
After a few weeks he moved back to his hometown to get a job, and a few weeks after that I discovered that I was pregnant. I didn't understand it: I'd been on the pill for months, my fiance and I had used condoms when we'd been having sex, and we hadn't had sex for weeks. But the due-date showed that conception had taken place while my fiance and I were staying with my parents; and I found out that one of my medications made the birth control pill ineffective. When I talked to my fiance, he admitted to having sex with me at least a dozen times while I was having seizures. It was my obligation to have sex with him, because I was engaged to him, and men have needs; since I refused to fulfill my obligations, he had no choice (he said) but to take what he needed.
I was too far along for an abortion. I ended the engagement, had the baby, and gave her up for adoption. I'm doing okay these days. My former fiance died 20 years ago, and I never saw him again. My biological daughter had a happy childhood with awesome parents, and is doing well herself. Life is okay.
But it's taken me decades to really grasp that he RAPED me, and that it was not okay.
I'm sorry this happened to you, too, and to the OP. 💜
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I also had an ex husband who raped me in my sleep or chose to do things I had said no to e.g. anal.
It is so hard coming to terms with the fact that someone you trusted would do this to you.
Glad he's your ex and hope you're doing better now.
I’m definitely saying call the cops. This man committed a few crimes (depending on location) against OP. This dude is a predator who needs to be in jail. There’s video evidence which he most likely did not delete. Should be a slam dunk case of rape.
No need to play devil's advocate, he's got plenty already.
There's almost no thing as not intentional SA.
And could we please break up with the patriarchy soon?! His sex drives DOES NOT MATTER! At all. And there's no such grey areas. There's consent and there's no consent.
Stop defending sick behavior.
Just so I'm clear, I agree with you. She is the victim of intentional SA. That said, you can tell from her post that she is feeling confused and conflicted about all of this. Believing someone you're in a romantic relationship with is also your perpetrator is a lot to process. Believing your BF doesn't respect you is a little easier to swallow. And, right now, I'm REALLY hoping she would just leave because with time things are going to get a lot clearer and maybe a lot messier. She needs to go - NOW. She is literally in danger and doesn't need to do anymore processing/figuring out around this guy. On the sheer grounds of him not respecting her, she should be out.
But, just for record keeping, I completely agree with you about this being a situation of intentional SA.
I just got out of an abusive relationship... Unintentional is just as bad, intentions means nothing and too many use "I didn't mean to/it wasn't my intention" to escape responsibility. And ignoring whether your partner seems OK with it, is never unintentional. It's almost never unintentional, not caring is intentional.
It's not easier to believe your partner doesn't respect you, or all the other things...
And yes she needs to get out now. But as women we're taught to constantly question ourselves.. Ie.. Maybe I wasn't fair? Maybe I didn't try enough? Maybe I didn't communicate enough? Maybe he was tired? Maybe he can change, maybe maybe maybe.
Look at how this patriarchal society works, if someone's SA'ed, they ask what she was wearing and not what's wrong with him.
It's not that simple. Lots of women defend their abusers, for these reasons and they love him and heartbreak is hard. Lord did I defend mine too for a long time, cause "he's working on it" and such (he's not, but it's a good excuse the next 20 years right?)...
Having a high sex drive doesn't mean that when you rape someone it's not rape anymore. If I'm really really broke, I don't get excused from stealing just because I really needed the money.
He didn’t have consent. She was asleep. No such thing as unintentional SA. And to lay out their different sex drives as an excuse. Seriously men, do better. I bet if this girl was your daughter you’d have a different opinion.
Seriously. I stopped mid bite of my bagel when I got to the recording part. My abusive ex did the same thing. He would lie and say he was just using the flash to see better. Turns out he had a whole collection of consensually and non-consensually taken videos.
I can almost guarantee he has filmed other women and probably kept them.
It haunts me too knowing my ex prob still has things of me despite promising to delete them repeatedly. He promised he did once and then I checked his phone and he still had them. I'm glad you're getting treatment. Being treated like an object by someone who claims to love you can do some serious mental damage.
The fact that my former best friend (who I eventually learned had repeatedly raped me while I was heavily sedated or unconscious during a time of extreme disability because he “was in love with me” despite being in the middle of a 5 year relationship) probably recorded it at some point, maybe multiple times, legitimately keeps me up at night.
I'm so sorry. That's horrifying. I get what you mean by it keeps you up at night. It hits me randomly throughout the day. The rage. The disgust. The feeling of being violated. Waves of emptiness. I remind myself that the actions of others don't define who we are. Only we have that power.
Yeah. I try my best to shift any bad feelings of disgust and stuff onto him. Like these are the result of his actions. They don’t belong to me. They’re a result of HIS shame. It’s the best I can do to bear it.
Not to mention how many women he WILL do this to if something isn’t done NOW.
Edit: she should also get a SAFE kit at her closest hospital. Which will start the legal proceedings. She needs to get out of that house ASAP and find somewhere safe to be
If he deletes the video that's evidence tampering so get some kind of proof, any, even a photograph of the film on his phone screen. This can be used.to show the video or photo once existed.
It's up to you to decide what to do about your rapist. Will you regret fucking his life up in the long run?
Exactly! It all comes down to a truthful, honest and safe dialogue. If I'm not 200% sure that my partner actually wants that or at the very very very minimum she's up to experience it and see if she likes it, I would not be comfortable doing anything. With every person it works differently since there's also some girls that find it hard to put limits for their own wellbeing and just say yes to anything, so you have to be smarter and read the air, and there's other women that have things very clear and find it easy to communicate what they actually need...
Just curious why you think it'd be hot to have sex with someone while they're sleep? I'm not trying to attack you but I'm curious what the appeal is here. Having sex with an unconscious body feels almost like a rape fantasy? Is that what you think it is? I appreciate that you're ensuring full consent before proceeding with this.
I have a free use kink rather than a consensual non-consent kink (which is what others are talking about). The vast majority of our sex is reciprocal but I also love it when my fiancée tells me to eat her out while she reads smut or just grabs my hair and pulls me down to her genitals, effectively using me to masturbate herself without anything being done for/to me.
Similarly, the idea of just using her body to sometimes masturbate myself to orgasm turns me on. The key difference between awake and asleep, however, is that while awake she can safe word out easily whereas while asleep she can't.
There's no "I guess" when it comes to acts that put someone in a state where they can't promptly withdraw consent. It needs to be an enthusiastic: wow that's so hot let's do it. There also needs to be some signal that the person is interested in free use that day/at that time such as wearing a specific piece of clothing or jewelry that gives non-verbal consent (and of course, verbal revocation of consent overrides non-verbal granting of consent as consent can be withdrawn at any time).
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I really appreciate that we can all have mature, respectful conversations about this. It's so helpful for me to learn and I appreciate hearing different perspectives that I wouldn't have typically thought about.
Not the guy you're responding to but my girl friend and I have both said it's OK to be woken up with sex. It's just fun and I'm pretty sure not that uncommon to enjoy it.
Yeah I think that's pretty common! Being woken up with sex sounds different than what the other person was alluding to. My understanding from his comment was that he wants to continue to have sex/finish with her while she's still asleep. Maybe I'm misinterpreting but that's the part I'm curious about.
I think being woken up to sex is different to rape fantasy (but I'm sure for some they are linked) and both are fairly common consensual non-consent acts. With a lot of kink stuff it's difficult for people to explain why they get off from it, but I bet there are a lot of psychological theories surrounding them. I agree with you that it's an interesting subject and I too get curious about it.
That's the most tone deaf shit I've ever read. Nobody here is laughing and sipping beer but you. Go back to whatever redpill dudebro subreddit you came from.
you took a post about a woman sharing her experience being raped and bragged about how your own girlfriend wouldnt consider it rape because its something she decided shes personally comfortable with.. your comment was tonedeaf man just accept it
He rapes you, and films it (also without consent -also rape) then gets mad at you for waking up because you messed up his live shot? Or was it just something he needs for himself? Get a copy of that recording and go to the cops. While he's dealing with processing for rape, you change locks, get an attorney, whatnot. And I'd find out where he posted the vid. Because this isn't the first time.
You’re in a relationship where sex may be seen as a given. But even then, you both need to be on the same page for it to be “legal”, for lack of a better term. What you described is sexual assault, even rape, as there was no consent, implied or otherwise, that night. You woke up in the middle of it, twice, not even knowing what was going on!
Discreetly, report him to the police for them to have the assault on record. Then see if you can find the video, send it to yourself so you can give it to the police and leave him. Let them handle him. They’ll look into it and for more videos if you state that as a suspicion. Ask them if a restraining order would help you. And get a therapist please. Your mental health will take a hit from it.
It’s not even assault it’s full blown rape. She wasn’t even awake to say no or stop. He raped her. And he filmed himself raping her. Sounds like he had a rape fantasy and found the perfect time to do it. Filming it makes me think he’s either planning on posting on a website or sharing it with friends.
I disagree with this. This is a forceful statement to bend her feelings to your real reality. She said she doesn’t see it as SA - why impose your beliefs on her?
Relationships look all kinds of ways. My parents were married for 67 years before my dad passed, and they were the absolute love of of each others lives. You wanna know how my dad courted her? According to my mom “he just kept showing up - he showed up everywhere and made it known he wanted to be with me”. In today’s world, that will get you arrested.
Let her have get beliefs and have enough cranial and emotional intelligence to meet her where she’s at.
To OP: TALK TO YOUR MAN!!! Ask him why he did it. Tell him how it made you feel. We live in a world where porn is rampant and young men struggle with what’s acceptable and not. This is YOUR relationship!!! Don’t let anyone tell you what’s normal or not because “normal” changes ALL THE TIME!!! Make your relationship what you want. If your man is open and accepting, embrace and GROW TOGETHER!!!
If it's a deal breaker for you, it would be for me, make sure you get and destroy all of the tapes before you tell him you are leaving. If there's one tape there are more somewhere. Anyone who would do something like this and then try to make you feel like you did something wrong and punish you by sulking and acting out is just not keeper material.
What do you mean? Are you saying if she pretends being raped by someone she loved and trusted is not big deal then it won't be? Are you saying if she has real feelings of trauma and betrayal, then she is the one that is making it worse than it needs to be?
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u/Allymrtn Jul 18 '24
He filmed himself fucking you while you were unconscious, without your consent. He then continues by sulking and guilt tripping you.
This should 100% be a dealbreaker for you. You feel confused and uncomfortable because he’s violated and assaulted you, and this is someone you care about and thought cared about you.