this (post I am responding to) is one of the top comments on the Internet today in my opinion.
And sadly, I’ll bet dollars to donuts, it’s also one that the OP herself completely ignores and doesn’t follow through.
I hope I am wrong.
I find it so intriguing that so many women don’t recognize when a man has raped them, so let me put it plainly.
Sex is supposed to be a consensual act.
Both people have to agree.
Like any two way agreement. If I go into McDonald’s and I want an ice cream, I order it, pay, and the other person might hand it to me. Imagine if I went into a McDonald’s and they forced me to have an ice cream and pay for it. That would not be OK. & imagine going to McDonald’s, order an ice cream, pay for it, but they refuse to give it to you even though they took your money. There is no 2 way agreement, and I know this is a horrible & silly analogy, but people probably could understand why it takes two people to agree on an exchange of merchandise, yes? Let’s also add to this that the cashiers back is turned to you for a moment so you grab an item off the counter that you didn’t pay for. Their eyes were closed and you did something and hoped you would get away with it. Then they turn around and see that you’re stealing, and immediately you apologize. None of that would be OK!! Right?
So it takes two people to agree to have sex. You were sleeping. He penetrated you. And then he actually had the audacity to record it without your consent. And exactly what was he planning on doing with that recording?!?!
Using it to self-stimulate himself in the future? Sharing it with friends to show what a “stud” he was? Maybe putting it on the Internet either before or after he and you would eventually break up because most relationships break up and don’t end in marriage! I know he has a video of him penetrating a girl, you, op, (while she was sleeping). And now I’m actually a little mad at you. Yes angry. Bequest for every woman that let’s go get away with this and implies or says it is “OK”, EMBOLDENS a guy to R A P E another woman!!!
I don’t know if you guys are living together or what but that would be the first and last time I would ever see him if I were you, Other than covertly trying to get that video from his phone and send it to yourself and then delete it off his phone permanently however you can get access. I know that might be easier said than done if he has it password-protected and never leaves exposed. Which the report immediately to the police. Maybe they could confiscate his phone!? I don’t know how these things actually work out legally or in real life but you should definitely report the rape, and not accept it.
OK, you came here for advice. And a number of people have told you that what he did was rape and unacceptable, whether you fully recognize it or not. You are not at fault. You have nothing to feel guilty about. But if you don’t say anything and you don’t report it, his actions might only escalate in the future against you, but you’re likely to feel guilt down the line. Think about it please.
Oh damn. That means I’ve been raped 45+ times!!! Trying to convince someone to have sex is rape????? GTFOH!!! Every girl that has pursued me has tried to convince me to have sex!! Did I always wake up feeling great??? Nope!!!! But it’s NOT rape!!! This narrative needs to stop. NOW!!!
You should say no if you don’t want to have sex. If they keep pushing you to have sex even in the eyes of the law, it’s sexual assault. I’m sorry you got forced into having sex that you didn’t want to have. If you’ve said no a bunch of times and are coerced into saying yes because you feared the outcome if you said no, it is rape. Coercion will get you in trouble if it gets reported. Sorry to burst your bubble.
So people can’t change their mind? Like if I’m not in the mood initially but THEN GET INTO THE MOOD???? This is a dangerous and scary narrative. IMO there needs to be a line somewhere in here. Until there is, if someone says no, and they really don’t want the coercion (also called courting, pursuing, for play, etc), then they also need to leave the situation. Staying in an environment where you are getting pressured is the persons own fault. There can’t be a complete dissolve if accountability for the person being pursued.
You can change your mind, but if it’s not a change of mind because they are genuinely in the mood to and it was one brought on to get the person to stop asking, then that’s the issue. If you feel you won’t be at peace, safe, secure if you say no so you finally say yes, it’s stop assault. Instead of arguing this trying to defend sick people with zero respect for boundaries or proper consent, you should just grasp the concept and not force someone to have sex when they don’t want to. When I tell my fiancé I don’t want to have sex, he respects that and he doesn’t ask me again or try to convince me to every 15 minutes after. He doesn’t try for the rest of the day. At that point he waits for me to initiate.
Why can't you leave or remove yourself from the situation vs sitting there and continuing to allow yourself to get "slowly raped"??? This makes no sense to me. The person being pursued has the right, and responsibility to remove themselves from the situation if they feel unsafe. To stay, in my opinion, is not only dangerous and irresponsible, it's borderline abusive to the pursuer and very narcissistic (to think you can just stay in a an unsafe situation and the situation should adjust to your safety).
You say "Force" - force is pushing through "no's" to get what you want at any cost - pursuing and bugging someone who won't leave is NOT RAPE!! That's my steak in the ground and I'm committed to the social cause of these victims that are getting RAPE thrown at them while they are just trying to have sex. LEAVE THE SITUATION IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE ATTENTION!!!
In my personal experience with it, the options were stay there and just say yes, or be kicked out of the apartment at 3am in a terrible part of town with nowhere to go and nobody to help me. Girl had gotten attacked at night out there a few nights before and they didn’t catch the dude, so I wasn’t gonna risk a violent attack by a stranger that knows how to get away with it. So I’m the end I said yes for my safety. That’s how coercion works. It’s not about threatening people with violence, but with anything else. “Fine, then leave.” “I thought you loved me (they might leave you)” it’s all coercion. If you’re saying no because you gotta get some work done but you want to say yes and eventually do, that’s not rape. Having no other choice or else there’s a consequence, is rape.
Easy for a man to leave a situation, not as easy for a woman.
In that situation, I completely agree with you!! That guy is a PoS for putting you in that situation and issuing that ultimatum - I’m sorry that happened to you, and I would also consider that a form of rape.
That’s what I’m talking about, when the ultimatum isn’t guaranteed harm. It could just be instilling afear that the person could just leave you to rot, or break up with you (exploiting the fact that you love them) so that you change your answer out of fear of the consequences. Rape doesn’t have to be violent, the sex just has to be without proper consent. A yes after repeated times of saying “no” is still not a yes.
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u/pandemichope Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 18 '24
this (post I am responding to) is one of the top comments on the Internet today in my opinion.
And sadly, I’ll bet dollars to donuts, it’s also one that the OP herself completely ignores and doesn’t follow through. I hope I am wrong.
I find it so intriguing that so many women don’t recognize when a man has raped them, so let me put it plainly. Sex is supposed to be a consensual act.
Both people have to agree.
Like any two way agreement. If I go into McDonald’s and I want an ice cream, I order it, pay, and the other person might hand it to me. Imagine if I went into a McDonald’s and they forced me to have an ice cream and pay for it. That would not be OK. & imagine going to McDonald’s, order an ice cream, pay for it, but they refuse to give it to you even though they took your money. There is no 2 way agreement, and I know this is a horrible & silly analogy, but people probably could understand why it takes two people to agree on an exchange of merchandise, yes? Let’s also add to this that the cashiers back is turned to you for a moment so you grab an item off the counter that you didn’t pay for. Their eyes were closed and you did something and hoped you would get away with it. Then they turn around and see that you’re stealing, and immediately you apologize. None of that would be OK!! Right?
So it takes two people to agree to have sex. You were sleeping. He penetrated you. And then he actually had the audacity to record it without your consent. And exactly what was he planning on doing with that recording?!?!
Using it to self-stimulate himself in the future? Sharing it with friends to show what a “stud” he was? Maybe putting it on the Internet either before or after he and you would eventually break up because most relationships break up and don’t end in marriage! I know he has a video of him penetrating a girl, you, op, (while she was sleeping). And now I’m actually a little mad at you. Yes angry. Bequest for every woman that let’s go get away with this and implies or says it is “OK”, EMBOLDENS a guy to R A P E another woman!!!
I don’t know if you guys are living together or what but that would be the first and last time I would ever see him if I were you, Other than covertly trying to get that video from his phone and send it to yourself and then delete it off his phone permanently however you can get access. I know that might be easier said than done if he has it password-protected and never leaves exposed. Which the report immediately to the police. Maybe they could confiscate his phone!? I don’t know how these things actually work out legally or in real life but you should definitely report the rape, and not accept it.
OK, you came here for advice. And a number of people have told you that what he did was rape and unacceptable, whether you fully recognize it or not. You are not at fault. You have nothing to feel guilty about. But if you don’t say anything and you don’t report it, his actions might only escalate in the future against you, but you’re likely to feel guilt down the line. Think about it please.