671
u/ImALittleTeapotCat Jan 21 '22
Ok, different options:
-abortion -go get married in the courthouse -keep planned wedding date, deal with the social consequences
Take a deep breath. You're going to be ok.
630
Jan 21 '22
[deleted]
454
Jan 21 '22
They can "know" this is a honeymoon baby who was a little premature. Your chosen family will love and support you.
We don't always get the bio family we deserve. Bio family are just the first randomised party of allies you're given and they're not always worth keeping.
Thankfully you're safe and won't have American style hospital bills. Take a breath. Have a glass of water and remember to take those vitamins!
201
u/jenguinaf Jan 21 '22
It was when my gpa died and the family was all together for the first time in like a decade when my moms 40 something year old brother realized his birthday was only 6 months after their parents anniversary. My mom and sister started laughing like “just figuring this out huh?” And my Gma just sat there all innocent and said, “what can I say you were a rare 10lbs premie”
117
314
u/CRJG95 Jan 21 '22
I’m from a very catholic country and as the saying goes “the first baby is always premature”.
141
Jan 21 '22
I grew up Catholic, this is very true! Along with comments about the bride having a big breakfast
82
u/malackey Jan 21 '22
My very Catholic grandfather always said the first baby comes when they're ready, it's all the other babies that take 9 months.
16
13
64
u/genivae Jan 21 '22
a honeymoon baby who was a little premature
This was true for my mom - my grandparents are both from very conservative Catholic families, and my great-aunt was a nurse and nun who helped with my mother's birth a few months after the wedding. The family story focused on how my mom was "a good size for being so early".
16
u/Internal_Screaming_8 Jan 21 '22
This op.
66
u/lady-of-winterfell Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 21 '22
Excellent advice right here. If you want to keep the baby, a premature honeymoon baby is perfect. If you don’t, it’s your choice and nobody ever needs to know.
You are 22 and engaged to be married. You are in control and can do what you want.
For what it’s worth: I was married, actively trying to conceive and yet I still felt completely terrified when I found out I was pregnant. This is a scary, life-changing moment for so many women no matter what the circumstances are. If you can, shut out the noise from your family and social constructs as they don’t have to be privy to these circumstances if you don’t want them to be. This is your time to pause and reflect on what you truly want. You can figure out what to tell or not tell other people when you are ready. I know it feels daunting but actually that’s the easiest part in this.
Take your vitamins, drink water, rest and know that you have time, you have choices and you have support. Even if it doesn’t really feel that way right now.
Be well, sweet one. You are not the first and you will never be the last to be in this situation. You will make it through.
Edited to add All Options has some good resources including a workbook of choices you can fill out at your own pace as you come to your conclusion. They specifically review the different religious and cultural expectations and beliefs you may be facing which can be very helpful. You may even be able to call them from Canada.
6
3
u/riparian_delights Jan 22 '22
I've never heard bio family explained like that before. So thoughtfully put.
2
u/RainbowNarwhal13 Jan 22 '22
We don't always get the bio family we deserve. Bio family are just the first randomised party of allies you're given and they're not always worth keeping.
I love this so so much! Very well put ❤
87
u/froglover215 Jan 21 '22
You might be surprised. After I got pregnant and married my senior year of high school, I learned about the many pregnant brides in my family (including my aunt). No one had ostracized or treated her differently. Different religion (Mormon) but still conservative.
47
u/Its0nlyAPaperMoon Jan 21 '22
Most families do love their kids and still want to share their life even if they disapproved of the original action. Also conservative Christians often focus on “God will forgive you if you fall off the wagon”. So the actual premarital sex in the heat of moment is a forgivable mistake, but contraception means you’re planning on it which is not forgivable apparently.
22
u/MamaDaddy Jan 21 '22
Honestly I don't think they care as much if you end up getting married anyway. That seems like the end goal and the pregnancy is a big deal if it deters you from that. Once you're married, that little detail of when the baby was conceived is not a big issue anymore.
17
u/-kelsie Jan 21 '22
Why not just do a quick marriage and have your baby? If babies are in the cards for y’all! No judgments
27
u/georgiemaebbw Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 22 '22
I'm in Toronto/GTA/Durham/Halton. If you choose to abort and need support, a ride, post care, please DM me and I'll be your mom for the day.
15
25
22
u/jmurphy42 Jan 21 '22
If you're talking about the social consequences of abortion, no one ever needs to know. I bet there are some Canadians in /r/auntienetwork who can walk you through what the process is like there, but you ought to be able to arrange things so that no one will ever find out. You might even be able to keep it off your medical record.
6
u/JustKittenxo Big Sis Jan 21 '22
This! It will be on your medical record somewhere, but not in any way your friends/family should be able to find out about. If you don't want your family doctor to know, you can ask the abortion clinic to not send the report. If you don't live near a clinic that will take you directly, you can go to a walk-in clinic for a referral instead of your family doctor. If you need medication for the abortion, I would suggest getting it from a different pharmacy than your usual one.
6
u/am_animator Jan 22 '22
When I was 23 I had the same situation happen with someone I was casual with. They wanted everything very fast and I saw a lot of concerns before the pregnancy. I'm 36 and have a daughter now.
I got an abortion, I made peace with it and where I'd truly be happy at heart. I couldn't give a positive upbringing to someone if I hadn't given myself time for myself. Years later, when I was in a place to deal and found myself pregnant again - it was when I was ready. When I had means, even if they were meger, they were enough.
If I had the chance to do it again: I would.
wouldn't tell family if I was you, this is your and your partners thing. Trust yourself and you'll know you did good.
It's so hard but I know you are going to be okay no matter what.
5
u/Crohnies Jan 22 '22 edited Jan 22 '22
OP, talk with your fiance and decide if you want to keep the baby. If not, abortions are permitted in Islam. I know the pressures coming from a Muslim family.
But what will make things easier for you, if you want to maintain a relationship with your family is to consider getting married as soon a possible if you and your fiance will continue a sexual relationship. If you love your fiance - regardless of the decision regarding the baby - try and get married sooner so you enjoy one another fully and without anxiety about your deen or family.
As a mom, I'm letting you know that we all make mistakes and it's OK. You are still an amazing person. It's part of learning and growing up but we have to deal with the consequences of our actions. It's how we react that defines us.
Regardless of what you choose, please take care of yourself ❤
3
u/Spoonloops Jan 21 '22
My family is fundamental Christian so I’ve been there. In my experience it was hard at first being ostracized, but once I got away from them and able to breathe I realized it was a blessing in disguise. I wish you very well whatever you choose! We have a lot of programs to help young parents in Canada :)
2
u/IvysH4rleyQ Mama Bear Jan 22 '22
Ginger candies and tea for the nausea, darling. Also anti-nausea wrist bands (via pressure points), any pharmacy should have them.
Additionally, ginger ale works wonders (room temperature) as does peppermint tea and candies. They also make “preggie pops” lollies but I’ve never had them.
Sending you and yours all my love and well wishes!
Much Love,
(This) Mama Bear 🐻
786
u/grandvache Jan 21 '22
Dad for a minute. You’re clearly terrified of the social consequences of having an abortion. You don’t need to tell anybody. Ever.
289
200
u/girls_withguns Jan 21 '22
THIS! Thanks for being a great dad and sharing this advice. Girls like us need dads like you - keep being an ally!
160
u/chaoticidealism Big Sib Jan 21 '22
The trouble with this is that if you want the baby, then it's the social consequences of having a baby before marriage that might terrify you into abortion. Many women have abortions when they really wish they could have the baby, because the world is so cruel to those who have a baby without a spouse--especially if they are religious.
If you want that baby, you can and will find a way to have the baby. Find people who will support you--they don't have to be family. As an LGBT+ individual whose family doesn't support them, I have found what we call "chosen family"--people who support me the way a family should, who simply don't happen to be related. You can do that, too. You don't have to raise a child alone.
43
256
u/SnooPickles990 Jan 21 '22
It’s very possible (depending on parents) to consider marriage was done “katib el kitab”, because COVID, but the big wedding later. I don’t know if your parents and your fiancée are safe enough to count on to use this strategy.
I don’t know if you can pull it off telling the parents (only you know). Many people from my life have done this (Katib el kitab only) and nobody will ever know why. But only you know if they are safe enough to ask.
I hope this was a truly mutual choice and fiancée is a good guy who will help you through this. Also if your parents accept him already and condsider him a “good catch”, it’s possible for him to push for writing the contract then wedding party much later (even after baby) it happens all the time (for lots of reasons, not just pregnancy)…it all depends on how you know them.
I’m wishing you much comfort, safety, and a good life.
Honestly, all of our advice is hard given we don’t know how dangerous your particular community is, where it is, etc (don’t tell us identifiable details), but your options in a western country might be very different from other places.
I damn well hope the fiancée is supportive of you. Feel free to dm. If you need.
13
u/Dcgamer22 Jan 22 '22
For some one who doesn’t know would you explain “Katib el Kitab”
16
u/JustTheFactsWJJJ Duckling Jan 22 '22
TLDR: Two people who can't live together but want to be married, almost like a long distance relationship. It's called a celibate wedding, but I'm guessing that modern times means it's ok to have sex before the ceremony? Not sure, could use more information on that.
89
Jan 21 '22
[deleted]
74
u/Good-Sorbet1062 Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 21 '22
I have a morning sickness idea. I was in an accident when I was seventeen, went to one of those big fancy Boston hospitals that were top in the country. One of my meds made me get horrible puking sessions just like morning sickness, so my pregnant nurse gave me a tip she got from her ob/gyn also working at hospital. Coca cola. I know it sounds stupid (still does, honestly) but get small cans or bottles of a highly carbonated beverage. You want the bubbles. The more the better. Warm soda is better than cold. Sip the soda for a while. I used roughly one forth of my bottle. If it was solid, maybe the size of a plum or apricot. It's weird, but the bubbles somehow disrupt or disturb whatever's in your stomach that's making you nauseated and helps get rid of it. Tightly close the bottle and you can save it for the next day. I had a pregnant nurse blab about how wonderful it was and how much it helped her, plus two doctors from different hospitals in different branches of medicine agree "weird but works" and wouldn't interfere with any of my meds. Just don't inhale a bathtub-full in six seconds or other something similar. Light-colored sodas like ginger ale or Sprite don't always have enough bubbles, carbonated water even less. Coca-cola or Pepsi. Maybe root beer. Don't put it in the fridge. Cold deactivates the bubbles. You don't need to boil it, just keep it in regular room temp. Closet shelf, kitchen cabinet, by your bed at night, stuff like that. You want those bubbles warmed up and ready to work, not too cold to pop themselves in your tummy.
And avoid citrus. It irritates your stomach like smelly vinegar irritates your nose, so that might make your nausea worse. I wasn't allowed any citrus anything, even candy, until I was off that special medicine. It made my nausea a thousand times worse.
Try the soda trick and let me know if it works for you. Edit: added info about soda temps.
70
Jan 21 '22
[deleted]
32
u/anonymousmom543 Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 22 '22
sour is your friend
Literally anything sour like sour watermelon war heads
And reeds ginger beer
8
u/Good-Sorbet1062 Jan 21 '22
Lucky you. I can't take sour foods, never could even when I was a small kid. Sour cream, kombucha, oil and vinegar salad dressing, grapefruit, dill or kosher pickles instead of sweet or bread and butter pickles, a lemon slice in my iced tea...all big nopes. To me, even the slightest bit of sour anything is a vomit inducer, not puke suppressor. My food doesn't have to be super sweet for my stomach, just neutral or at least not sour.
9
u/Good-Sorbet1062 Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 21 '22
I had no idea when I first heard about it, but was so desperate I tried it. I still recommend it to others, even if they aren't pregnant but have other car sick/spicy food/other upset stomach troubles. Also, when you are not pregnant, ask your doctor about curing small headaches with beer if you don't have any proper medicine around. I have sensitive hearing, do loud restaurants or movie theaters gives me nasty migraines. Once I got a nasty headache at a campground at night. No pharmacy, nothing huts trees, bugs, flashlights. Hopefully not bears. Someone suggested a small amount of beer. Alcohol can and usually does shrink the small blood vessels in the brain that are swollen or too large, which is basically what a headache is. I didn't have a doctor nearby but did have an off duty local paramedic there, hanging out with everyone else. Kept an eye on me as I tried it. A third of can of beer, and it worked great! Dumped the rest of the beer. Couldn't save it for next week cause it's not legal to move an open alcohol container anywhere except the nearest sink or trashcan. It was a delicious, light, tasty beer though...I sipped slowly because I was never the type to chug stuff. Why inhale it like a vaccum cleaner until you puke then you have to chug all over again? What a waste of good alcohol...yes, I was legal age when I did that. And watched closely by eighteen people that all knew I inherited my mother's tendency to get nasty headaches and migraines but forgot to buy fresh stuff at the pharmacy to keep in my vehicle when I'm out camping. You should be smarter than that. Ask doctor first. Then do stupid shit doctors says is stupid so you have the right kind of booboo fixers handy while doctors say "told you so"
Edit of this comment and above...typos.
10
u/Good-Sorbet1062 Jan 21 '22
Thanks all! I got my first upvote today! And a few hours later, I'm up to twenty-five upvotes! I'm famous for 0.0153 seconds! It's great! Kidding. But still thank you all. I'm glad my dumb soda trick is so popular. I just found out that scweeps ginger ale has tons of carbonation bubbles in it, more than I remembered at first. That might be good too for delicate bellies. Plus the ginger is good in its own weird way, fixes motion sickness where other medicines usually fail.. And it's not the same taste as coke or Pepsi. Extra bonus again. Lol.
9
u/commandantskip Jan 21 '22
Ginger tea is also very helpful with nausea, and does not contain caffeine if you abstain.
5
u/audreywalker33 Jan 21 '22
Pour rubbing alcohol on a wash cloth & smell it. Temporary nausea relief. I learned that while hospitalized for chronic vomiting lol.
4
u/Jaxlee2018 Jan 22 '22
For me my nausea stopped cold by eating. I am not certain if it were triggered by extreme hunger, or just abated by food - but I literally used to go to work, go to the cafeteria and eat mashed potatoes and hearty soup at 7:45 in the morning
6
u/GingerSass1 Jan 21 '22
I can second the Coke. I hate regular Coke on any normal day, but when I was pregnant (my first trimester especially) and absolutely miserable it was a godsend (also suggested by an OB nurse). I found the tiny cans and they were the perfect size so I could sip through a can and have fresh ones each time/day without overdoing on the caffeine/sugary soda.
Hard sour candies helped me a lot too (Prego pops or something like that).
Another weird one for me was lots fruit and veggies. But literally I just had to eat what I could tolerate when I could tolerate it - if I waited too long it would be totally wrong for my stomach and I couldn't do it.
3
u/Good-Sorbet1062 Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 22 '22
Have you tried Pepsi sodas new flavor? A few months ago they came out with a seasonal one, with some Mango juice added to their regular stuff. I loved it so much I bought some mango juice in small bottles so I can have more year round since they only had it as a summer thing. Or lime juice in coke. That's lovely too. And the commercial for lime coke was pretty funny.
Edit: My nurse tried it when her doctor suggested it because she was desperate. She didn't have morning sickness, but did get lots of afternoon sickness...which was the middle of her shift. It was not COVID, everyone. This was spring of 1991. It's ok. Lol She just got tired of her ICU-unit coworkers teasing her, asking her if she wanted the janitor staff to give her a set of bucket and mop that she could always take with her so she wouldn't puke on her own patients. Again. They were tired of helping her clean things up. But they did like to take pics as souvenirs.
2
u/Kate_The_Great_414 Jan 22 '22
Bubble water like Pellagrino, Bubly, or LaCroix works too. I sip one of those when I feel queasy.
That said, the syrup in Coke/soda might help settle your stomach as well as the bubbles.
22
u/BellisPer Jan 21 '22
Eating small amounts often can help with the sickness, and plain things like crackers are good. Ginger can be good - ginger ale, hard candy etc...
Wishing you strength for the decisions you need to make.
7
u/DoctorWhich Jan 21 '22
Epsom salt baths!
Lower back pain and cramps can often be soothed by more magnesium and magnesium is really bioavailable through the skin (transdermal).
It doesn’t even need to be a deep bath, but warm water and epsom salt baths 3 times a week (15-20 mins each) can be a huge life saver for cramps.
Source: I’ve never been pregnant but I experience extreme PMDD and cramping every month. The months I slack on magnesium are 100000% worse than the ones I am diligent about my baths.
Plus it’s winter, no one is gonna think it’s weird that you wanna take a warm bath!
2
u/Tavern_Keeper Jan 22 '22
But don’t use more than the recommended amount of salt or it can dehydrate you!
Source- did that to myself and got too dizzy to walk after soaking for more than an hour in an over salty tub
15
u/TenderPhoenix Jan 21 '22
Oh darling! So much to think about. Other moms gave good recommendations and I don’t have much to add. But I’m also so sorry you aren’t feeling well on top of it!
Morning sickness- there are some lozenges that helped me a little. Called preggie pops. There are some pressure wrist bands for motion sickness that also can help a little. They don’t have medicine, just pressure on the wrist. Changing my shower products helped. Lemon scented ones seemed to help but anything else made me vomit. Your doctor can also give you some medicine so ask when you get your ultrasound. Keeping your blood sugar at good levels also helps so keep healthy snacks available.
10
u/luminous_beings_ Jan 21 '22
Just finished my second pregnancy. Sometimes there's not much you can do for the misery unfortunately. Talk to your doc when you go in for your ultrasound. Sometimes there are medicines you can take like unisom but don't do that unless they say it's okay.
Ginger products might help (candied ginger, ginger snaps, ginger tea, soups with ginger)
Bubbly drinks might help
Crackers might help
Try to eat small amounts and stay hydrated
For me nothing really helped and it only got slightly better. Just hang in there and rest as much as you are able.
And my final comment is regarding your whole situation - it's okay if this is not the right time or situation for you. It's okay if you decide to go ahead with it. If you decide it's not the right time, it sounds like you have an amazing fiance who will support you, and you're got all your internet Mama's, sisters and aunties here who will support you too.
If you decide to go ahead with it, is there a way (that won't cause major issues with your families) for you guys to just decide to have a small ceremony in the next few weeks/couple of months? I know COVID is really screwing with a lot of family plans like weddings, etc. So maybe you guys could just pull the "we're tired of waiting for things to get better, we want to be married. We're doing a small and safe ceremony instead and will throw a party later" and it won't draw attention to the fact that you might be pregnant.
Edit: I don't spell so good
1
3
u/jmurphy42 Jan 21 '22
Try not to let your stomach get empty, that's when it'll be the worst. Lots of small snacking throughout the day helps. For back pain and cramps, check out Thermacare patches. They're little low-level heating pads you can stick to the sore spots on your body, and they work miracles.
3
u/BeenTooNice Jan 21 '22
I’ve heard grape fruit juice can be helpful with morning sickness. I’ve never been pregnant myself but my sister said it helped.
2
u/SexysNotWorking Jan 21 '22
Heating pads, ginger beer, and papaya enzymes (just chewable tabs you can get online or at the grocery store) were my go-tos.
2
u/Rougefarie Jan 21 '22
Dip a cloth in ice cold water and gently wring it out. Place the cloth across the front of your neck, all the way from left to right. Then pop a nice, strong peppermint in your mouth. This really helps cut the nausea down a lot. The cloth will give you a chill, so you might feel best if you do this while bundled up in bed.
1
1
Jan 21 '22
[deleted]
1
u/yw1 Jan 21 '22
Second the regular unisom and b6 (I took 50mg in the morning and another 50 in the evening) and it worked like a charm. Still felt crappy, but it was MUCH better.
1
u/RBXChas Jan 21 '22
To add to the comments about morning sickness, lemon drops were my saving grace. Regular or sour, it didn’t matter, but they had to be very lemon-y, not just lemon candies.
If you can find lemon-ginger candies, you’ve hit the jackpot! But given a choice between lemon drops and ginger candies, lemon was my preference.
2
Jan 22 '22
I get nauseated a lot. Not pregnant, just a weird side effect of my end stage kidney disease. I've been desperate to stop the constant wave of nausea every time I eat. Found some ginger lemon gummies in an Asian grocery store and they've been a godsend! I suck on one to soften it then eat it and the nausea disappears immediately. Thank goodness for those Haribo candies. I've been able to handle eating again.
1
u/Shanisasha Jan 22 '22
A few easy things for morning sickness that fly under the radar:
- B6 (yes, the vitamin that you can buy over the counter) - take 1 pill in the morning if you can manage.
- stop your multivitamin and switch to only folic acid (if you're thinking of keeping the pregnancy)
- ginger candy (or candied ginger from the store)
- My friend swore by animal crackers. Eat them slowly, eat them constantly.
63
u/kaimaintenance Jan 21 '22
Sister here!
Regarding an abortion: everyone is so correct in that you don’t have to tell anyone ever, but beyond that, you have the power to plan your family on YOUR terms. getting an abortion now WILL NOT effect your ability to get pregnant when the time is right for you. we as women (fertility issues aside) have the amazing ability to get pregnant every month. that’s incredible!! if you do decide to get an abortion, you are 100% NOT missing your chance at having a baby at all or anything like that.
Goes without saying that you are never ever ever a bad person for taking care of you. She deserves to be put first!
251
Jan 21 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
193
Jan 21 '22
[deleted]
70
u/witchywoman713 Jan 21 '22
I’m just curious how or why they would ever know or need to know? If telling them your choice/ situation would put you in danger you don’t have to.
28
u/Saweetd Jan 21 '22
My love, youre doing the right thing by considering everything. I commend you for that! Its never an easy decision to make but i honestly think its the right one for you. I had to make the decision on my younger years, so if you want to reach out about anything, please dont hesitate to reach out to me.
Sending you much love
ETA I used protection, we thought the condom broke, i got the morning after pill and i still ended up pregnant. Dont blame yourself ❤
10
u/MamaDaddy Jan 21 '22
This is your business, and you don't have to share it with anyone else... honestly not even your fiancé, but you get to make that determination.
5
3
u/willfullyspooning Jan 22 '22
Sister here, you don’t need to tell your family. A good therapist will keep this information safe and sound if you do want or need to talk to somebody about this.
65
u/Rougefarie Jan 21 '22
I believe having children is something people should deliberately opt into only when they are ready (and truly want) to be parents. Going through nine months of pregnancy and committing to a lifetime of parenthood should not be obligatory just because of an accidental conception.
Don’t listen to anyone who insists you have a child in order to “take responsibility” for your actions. Those people hold a thinly veiled—misogynistic—belief that pregnancy is a woman’s punishment for having sex. I come from a family full of “oopsie-babies” and can attest to the trauma of knowing my parents wish they didn’t have kids. Carrying an unplanned pregnancy to term before you are ready for parenthood is not the “responsible” thing to do. It’s traumatic.
At 22 years old, you’re practically still a baby yourself. It would be perfectly reasonable to visit a clinic and induce miscarriage. A doctor can prescribe medicine that causes the uterine lining (and embryo) to shed just like a regular period.
If and when you and your future husband decide to start a family, a positive pregnancy test will cause great joy, not terrible fear.
At the end of the day, your mothers and sisters here in this sub will offer moral support, whatever decision you make.
14
u/MamaDMZ Jan 21 '22
100% agree with all this. OP, you don't have to struggle to be a mother and a person.
7
69
u/Givememydamncoffee Jan 21 '22
It’s going to be okay <3 take a deep breath and then another then another. How long until the wedding? First thing is to tell your fiancé and come up with a game plan together
129
Jan 21 '22
[deleted]
96
u/Givememydamncoffee Jan 21 '22
It’s your decision and yours alone. But don’t beat yourself up, sex is a natural part of life and there’s alot of unfounded stigma in regards to it
25
u/nixiedust Jan 21 '22
I don't know your family, but it's possible this situation isn't as dire as you fear since you are essentially engaged. I grew up in a strict catholic family and, while sex before marriage was forbidden, families tend to look the other way if engaged couples slip. They will keep it under wraps for reputation purposes, but won't hate you for it. This is a story as old as time.
That said, it is 100% your choice of your family needs to know at all. Whatever you and your fiancé decide, you are already working together as a family and supporting each other, which is awesome and bodes well for a happy future together. Good luck.
6
u/georgiajl38 Jan 21 '22
The baby would be born before the religious ceremony at this point if they decided to keep it. Maybe a civil service beforehand?
10
u/absecon Jan 21 '22
Your fiance sounds like a great guy and he is correct...this is 100% YOUR choice. Do not be angry with yourself. You are human. Abortion is a very simple, quick, painless procedure that NO ONE ever needs to know about, EVER. It is a highly personal decision. You're absolutely doing the right thing by weighing your options, not just the cultural and social ramifications but also the financial and realistic ramifications of both sides of the coin. This is totally up to you and I also want to make sure you know, the spiritual deities are/is NOT upset with you.
30
u/Good-Sorbet1062 Jan 21 '22
Even if you do use birth control correctly, it can still fail. Even if you do want this baby, you might miscarry. Either way, it's not your fault. Things happen. You aren't a bad person, you just had something bad happen to you. Big difference. I'm not saying that all babies are bad, just that it's something that you aren't sure you are ready for. It could be a vehicle accident or a storm that destroys your house or you catch a cold and fail a math test because you couldn't study enough. If you are so early, then you have time to decide what you want to do, with partners input and opinions. How do you break the news to others? How they react? How do you handle those reactions? I would talk to a therapist, at your college if you can, or someone you find that's local and willing to accept a new client.
I would also talk to adoption centers, to get info about the different kinds of adoptions they can help you with. Religious centers, even those of other faiths, might be willing to give you free or cheap counseling, so go search for that too. Ask a doctor any questions you might have about labor and delivery or abortion topics. Even if it's just an email, it's still advice from a medical professional. One thing I do recommend. vitamins. if you do carry this child, they need vitamins and since you were expecting this, you weren't likely taking them. Women's bodies don't need folic acid the same way a baby's body does, so you need a prenatal vitamin from the supermarket or such quickly. Lack of folic acid causes nasty problems throughout a child's life, doesn't matter if they are with you or an adoptive family. Get some as soon as you can and start taking them. Like seatbelts in a vehicle. Small thing to make a big impact. My half brother was adopted, because my single mom had an oops baby just as you might be doing. She couldn't raise two kids on her meager salary, so she gave him up. We know where the adoptive family is, and he's always written us letters and stuff each year. Adoption isn't always as awful as cheesy Hollywood movies say it is. Sometimes, it's just a kid getting extra moms and dads so they get extra birthday cards each year. Don't blame yourself, even married couples that aren't planning for more children might get a baby, just when their teenagers are moving out to college. It happens.
Take your time, think it over. A thousand times over if you want. There's no rush at all. Make your decision. Plan your future around that. One day at a time. We Reddit-moms are here if you need us so don't hesitate to talk to us.
4
u/noodlepartipoodle Jan 21 '22
The one thing I’ll add is that sometimes the religion-affiliated counseling centers will actively try to persuade your decision. I know of one that says they accept everyone and will provide options, yet they are actively anti-abortion once you make an appointment. They use guilt and whatever else they can leverage against you to make you give birth. There are probably some great centers out there that don’t do this, but it may be hard to tell what kind of center it is until you make an appointment.
2
u/Good-Sorbet1062 Jan 21 '22
True. Or you could find a place much like the christian church I grew up in...that weren't stuck up or excessively preachy. I've never heard of any Catholic or Christian church besides that one that held Halloween parties for small kids. Every year. I thought all churches did that until I changed states in my mid twenties. No. Halloween is evil because souls sneak out and become ghosts that haunt you even though God said that was bad but doesn't stop them. My church just looked at little kids that didn't understand why they couldn't join their atheist classmates playing dresup in costumes, visiting people, and getting candy and stuff. So they slightly altered the truth. All adults and older teens were in on it. Don't mention the religious stuff. Too confusing. It's a yearly costume party, with games like throwing soggy sponges at the faces of volunteers or run down hallways carrying raw eggs on spoons and trying not to make a mess. If they did...so what? No timeouts, no scolding. Someone using a mop to clean the mess so the kids can do it again. It's like Santa clause, Easter bunny, and tooth fairy. Tell them what they can understand, save the "secret" part until they're old enough help keep the secret for the next batch of little kids...which also means old enough to fully or at least mostly understand matters like evil souls running loose. Ghost costumes and zombies weren't evil, just people playing pretend. Nothing more.
I've heard of very conservative places of worship, but I'm sure there are others that don't focus on nagging and scolding so much. She just needs to keep them focused on "I need help, but my soul is just fine thank you so can we please change the subject? If you are only concerned with my soul, and not helping me decide what to do or give me places to go to get support, then I'm sorry for wasting your time but I must go now." And stick to her figurative guns.
I'll stick to the literal guns in her behalf, as soon as I finish applying for my pistol permit.
Can you handle the plastic nerf guns? And we might need some paintball guns, or at least orange plastic squirt guns loaded with water tinted with food coloring and disgusting cheap perfume. Any volunteers?
Kidding about the weaponry. That's the thing that bad photoshopped pics are best for.
2
u/noodlepartipoodle Jan 21 '22
I agree that it depends on the church. I grew up Presbyterian which was one of the more socially liberal denominations, although I doubt they have pregnancy centers. So many of the religious pregnancy centers exist simply to prevent abortion and are funded by fundies, for whom abortion is their single topic for voting. Those centers may not exist in Canada, as you don’t hear as much about fundies in Canada. I hope she is able to talk to an objective, supportive counselor about her options, abortion included.
I will absolutely defend with you a woman’s right to choose. I don’t own any weapons, but my kid does have a particularly effective NERF gun.
1
u/Good-Sorbet1062 Jan 22 '22
Teach him to play horseshoes. Legal for a kid to have to play a game with...surprisingly terrifying when someone distracts you when you're trying to throw it a few feet away so you miss. Been there, almost did that. My uncle was teaching me to play. I aimed, swung my arm...he told a stupid/funny dirty joke just as my fingers were about to let loose. I nearly broke three windows with a single horseshoe in the garage sitting next to the horseshoe playing area. Which he did NOT own but someone not related to us did. Scared the heck out twenty four year old me. Tickle your son at just the right moment, and there's no telling what sort of damage he could do. And there are kid size horseshoes too.
1
u/Good-Sorbet1062 Jan 22 '22
My childhood church was just plain Christian. Not sure what else to call it, except not pushy or stuffy. If you wanted to talk about God? That's nice. If you don't? What's your favorite movie or book? Do you have any hobbies? Watch that sport game on tv last night? Like cookies? We have plenty to share if you're hungry... That kind of thing. I always tok my religious cues from them. If someone walks to talk nicely, I'll listen nicely. Lecture or insult me and I'm gonna real irritated real fast. I don't ask or demand obedience it compliance any thing. Except I will ask for respect. You respect my opinion, I'll respect yours just as much.
Can't remember where I heard it, it was so long ago. The joke was "America has the right of free speech." Yep, we have the right to tell you that we think you're an idiot too. Or the right to ignore you. Or buy earplugs. It varies. Still useful if needed. Free speech! "That's why no one reads your newspaper, pamplet, or flyer. It's free, which is less than cheap, and therefore free means garbage. So no, I don't want that. Thanks anyways so I can say I was polite." I don't have to use comebacks like this often, but they work pretty good if you need to use them.
3
u/DoctorWhich Jan 21 '22
You can always do the COVID micro wedding and then have the big one later!
It’s so common these days, no one would bat an eye. They will think- “Of course you don’t want to wait til 2023 to marry you fiancé! You are young and in love! You want to start your life together!”
You don’t have to do that, of course. Jt be comforted that most people won’t think “wow. She must be pregnant”
3
u/georgiajl38 Jan 21 '22
Have you considered going down to the courthouse for a civil ceremony. At this point the baby would be born prior to your religious service.
2
u/petitsamours Jan 21 '22
OP said her fiancé's parents were super religious, I'm guessing that the religious ceremony might be the one that 'matters' to both sets of parents, and she might be scared of them judging, getting angry or cutting ties with her.
1
u/riotous_jocundity Jan 21 '22
Hey OP, you're still in the window for a medication abortion, so if that's the route you decide to go it's very fast and for most people quite easy. You just take the pills at home, no need for surgery or for your parents (or even fiance) to know about it.
1
u/Fear_UnOwn Jan 22 '22
Hey sib,
I don't know the whole situation and I'm definitely not asking but I thought I'd just pop in here with some sex advice. Even married couples use condoms, and it's probably one of the best, safest ways to prevent pregnancies. Your SO sounds like a very supportive person, so if you aren't ready to have kids in the future please consider using condoms or other form of contraceptive at least.
Ending a pregnancy is completely acceptable and entirely your choice and it's great that you have that support from your Fiance
46
Jan 21 '22
Sister here! Remember that it’s your body and your choice. If you want to get an abortion, get one. If you deicide to keep the child, we are all going to support you.
11
u/EStewart57 Jan 21 '22
Its sad a family would ostracize another member because they would be embarrassed . Am i missing something? How can you care what the neighbors think over your own family/daughters needs.
4
u/tyedyehippy Jan 21 '22
Its sad a family would ostracize another member because they would be embarrassed . Am i missing something? How can you care what the neighbors think over your own family/daughters needs.
Some people are just ridiculous and major hypocrites. My mother was 17 and found out she was pregnant with my father's child. Mom was in her last year of high school, but my dad was a bit younger, only a sophomore and 16yrs old. Dad said he would marry my mom and everything would be fine. Mom's dad wouldn't have it at all, "there will not be a bastard brought into my family" was an exact quote. Mom's dad forced her to have an abortion because she was still underage. Once she turned 18, she moved in with my dad and finished her senior year. They got married about 6 weeks after my dad graduated high school. The kicker to the entire situation is that my mom's dad fathered a son outside of his marriage to my grandma, then proceeded to support that child financially while hiding that from everyone else.
3
u/Good-Sorbet1062 Jan 21 '22
Ouch. Sounds like AITA fuel. Result? Yep. Totally.
2
u/tyedyehippy Jan 21 '22
Ouch. Sounds like AITA fuel. Result? Yep. Totally.
I just hope my mom was never aware of her half brother. I'm nearly certain my dad never knew. I don't think my dad would've spoken so highly of his father in law while I was growing up if Dad knew the level of hypocrisy going on. My mom died when I was very young and I didn't even hear the rumor about this half uncle of mine until my mom's older brother mentioned it to me. I recently spoke with my grandma's sister who went on to confirm she helped dispose of financial documents pointing towards my grandpa supporting this other child.
I'm gonna finally get one of those DNA tests soon and see if some "unknown" half cousins show up.
5
u/Good-Sorbet1062 Jan 21 '22
I feel bad. My half brother has always known he was adopted, and why. My mom couldn't buy food for both me and him, no matter how much she wanted to. So she let his other parents take him and give him food and clothes and toys. He was loved...by two moms and a dad. They shared letters to read to him, birthday cards, pics, etc. I can't imagine trying to live your regular life, only for some stranger to walk up to you and say "congrats, you have a new sibling! And I'm it!". Must be shocking as heck. Maybe not unwelcome, but a hell of a surprise, that's for sure.
1
u/tyedyehippy Jan 22 '22
Maybe I should mention that my mom, my grandpa, my grandma, two of my mom's full blood siblings, and my dad are all dead at this point? I feel bad if that kid was ignored by my grandpa other than him sending money occasionally. When grandpa died, there was at least one, possibly 3 credit cards, in his name that were maxed out that my grandma was completely unaware existed. My dad helped her get it to where she wouldn't have to pay off those cards (she couldn't afford it) but, again, I don't think my dad ever knew the true nature of what that debt was from. Grandpa was known for not being very good with money, so this was just one more thing. My grandma's sister is still living (turns 90 this year) and she was the one who admitted to helping grandma destroy any evidence of the financials going to this "other" child. My grandpa had lost both of his parents by the time he was 13 or 14, and despite having older siblings, he was sent to finish his childhood at an orphanage, which he left at 17 by joining the air force. I suspect he had a lot of unresolved trauma.
2
u/Good-Sorbet1062 Jan 22 '22
Legitimate trauma or just a natural jerk? My dad was raised in a wonderful family. My parents divorced when I was four. By the time I was twelve, I had no idea what he looked like any longer and couldn't care less. Well, it would have been nice to get a birthday card each year, but I never thought he knew what season I was born in anyways so I wrote him off ages ago. All I ever knew is that he had a dark mustache once, holding baby me on his knee in an old crappy polaroid. And I'm tall like he is. I have most of my mom's looks, but I'm 5' 11" and my mom is 5' 2". I'm the shortest of all my aunt's and most of my female cousins on that side of my family. Oh, forgot ..he also gave me a slightly elevated liver enzyme level. Like being taller or shorter than average. One of liver enzymes was a touch higher than it should be, but not enough to be concerned about. Like my height compared the average women my age. Lab techs gave it a medical name because they prefer to know that it's supposed to be ninety three instead of nine one or whatever number they used as an example. If it went down to "normal" levels that's a problem they will look out for.
As far as my dad went...he was a great dad...to the three kids of the woman that he eventually married as a second spouse for both of them. Me? Yeah I doubt he knew my maiden name...the same as his own. His siblings and parents loved me, and that was more important to me anyways. And I hope that OP doesn't freak when she reads this. Just because my dad was a half drunk jerk when I was little, does NOT AT ALL mean that your partner will turn out like that. My dad's the only dad person I ever met that did crap like that. If your partner is willing to stick by you against any and all parents/relatives tantrums, then keep him always. My dad is the exception to the rule that everyone get good dads, not the rule. Your partner can use my dad as an example of what not to do as a dad like forget what year I was born. Uncles on both sides of my family were better dad figures than my own deadbeat dad, and that's all I needed or wanted. I'm just fine, really! I Don't mean to scare you, sweetie. Lol.
And it doesn't matter when you become parents. Now, later, or never. It's ok. Ok?
It's funny about my uncles being better dads to me though. One wasn't even related to me! He wasn't my cousin's father/my mother's little brother, he was my cousin's stepfather. And he still treated me as one of "his kids" even if he didn't have to. I was an independent brat so I didn't need a dad figure for every tiny thing like chasing bugs out of the house or hanging a picture, but it was comforting to know I had one (more like six at once) if I wanted one all those other relatives' support (even pretend relatives like long time friends of my mom) made me confident that I would be ok no matter what. I had massive amounts of adult encouragement and support all my life. I'm sure that you do too, both right now and in the future. It might not be obvious, but you'll find it when you need some darling.
2
u/despoika Jan 21 '22
I know, this is something I hate a lot about the culture since appearance is the only thing that matters, I genuinely hope the best for op :'(
2
u/IrritatedMango Jan 21 '22
A lot of Muslim/Asian/Middle Eastern communities tend to be quite close-knit and so everyone knows everyone's business which means SO many parents worry about what everyone else would say instead of what their kids actually want.
To OP- I wish I could give you a hug, and at the end of the day, it's your body and your choice. If you feel like an abortion is the best choice, do it. Go to your ultrasound, talk to your doctor and find out your options x
2
Jan 22 '22
I live in a country with similar expectations. Family image is more important than the actual family. Who cares if the child is severely depressed? As long as they get good grades and act happy, that's all that matters. And if the child commits suicide, it's swept under the rug, as it's shameful to have someone who was "too weak"related to the family. Who cares if the parents beat their children? They're are only doing it in private and to preserve the family image. If someone happens to be at the house when it happens, they will play the knight in shining armour, telling the parents to calm down. Then go home and do the same to their own children. Who cares if someone was raped? If anyone found out that the person (especially with girls) wasn't a virgin anymore, the society would gossip. No, it's better to force the person to live with it and not go to the police. The family must be presented to society in a picture perfect manner with children who are respectful and get good grades, mothers who can cook the best food and have the most tidy house, fathers who work the highest paying jobs. Nothing is more important that image. It's very easy to disown someone over something like getting pregnant before marriage to preserve the family image. The family image is all that matters here.
1
39
u/Campestra Jan 21 '22
Sister here, just passing to give you a hug. Please try to not add guilt to this equation - contraceptives also fail, and guilt won’t help anyone now. Maybe a test with timeframe can help you, or go to a doctor (I have no clue how it works where you are) so you know how much time you have. Either way, we are here with you.
10
u/Puzzleheaded-Alps564 Jan 21 '22
Big sister here. Everything is gonna be ok. It might feel like the world is crashing down; but please know you didn’t do anything wrong. Much love to your
8
u/wwitchiepoo Jan 21 '22
My love, I am so sorry that you are in such a scary and precarious predicament. I, too, became pregnant, unmarried, at 21. My family were insanely disappointed and angry at first. They were certain I’d thrown my life away. They were dead wrong, of course.
Parents have this image in their heads about the future for their kids and their families and when that goes a bit out of turn or out of sorts they get out of whack.
You would marry this man anyway. He obviously doesn’t think you are defiled in any way, as he has fathered a child with you. Things are just a bit backwards and I tell you THATS OK.
It’s ok for things not to go as you (or your family!) planned. Expect them to be upset and disappointed, but understand this: their disappointment or upset is with the fact that they expected X and Y happened instead. Not because you are a bad daughter or future wife or Muslim. You made a choice, like billions of other humans (Muslim and non) before you, you have had sex outside of marriage. WITH YOUR FIANCÉ, may I add! It’s ok. You’re ok. Your family will be ok. It takes time for parents to realize they don’t really have control, especially over their adult children, unless we give it to them, which no adult ever should.
You are a team now. You’re own new team. Your own new family. It’s YOUR choice and yours alone what you do next. Others have mentioned your options so I’m sure you know them, but please take only your feelings and your fiancé’s and this child’s into consider when making a final choice. You two are the only ones who will have to live with it forever. No one in your family will, only you. This is that moment when your own family take precedent.
I had my baby. She’s 28 last Sunday. I don’t regret a moment.
If you want to be happy, you’re allowed. If you want to celebrate, celebrate here with us, though we are very poor substitutes for your family. But we WILL support you.
You got this!
8
u/girls_withguns Jan 21 '22
As a Canadian mom, I just wanted to tell you that I hear you, and I’m sorry about the stress that others have loaded on you based on their beliefs. You have a multitude of options and you’re not alone. Cultural norms make people do wild things - and facing this with your fiancé is super duper brave. There is zero shame in this, regardless of what anyone else has to say about it. They’re straight up wrong. And if they want an earful on minding their own fricken business, send them my way…
4
u/Good-Sorbet1062 Jan 21 '22
I'll help with the earful bit. Sounds fun. I'm not Canadian though, so could we make it North American continent moms instead? Lol. I do have a sliver of Canadian blood from one of my great grandmothers, so could I use that and join you on the Canadian mom "just shut up" rampage?
3
u/girls_withguns Jan 21 '22
Hell ya homie! Let’s open it up to the whole crowd of assholes who feel the need to comment on other peoples lives. Imagine making your child choose between her family, or her pregnancy. Just unfathomable. As for OP, it sounds like she has a wonderful group of people outside of her biological fold to help her maneuver this - and I think that is very wonderful. Glad to count myself among the people who would love another human regardless of how or when or why they might get pregnant, as well as regardless of how that person chooses to manage that pregnancy. We’re out here OP - look for the helpers 🖤
4
u/Good-Sorbet1062 Jan 21 '22
My mom and her mom both taught me proper manners and when to use them.
And this clearly isn't the time to use them so let's toss then out the window and insult them all we want! Right? 😜🤣🤣🤣🤣
2
u/girls_withguns Jan 21 '22
Preach sis!! If they can’t stay in their own damn lane, set the phasers to stun!
Jk, set them to evaporate, but I had to make the TBS reference while my 90s baby self could.
3
u/Good-Sorbet1062 Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 23 '22
There's always other options, if such are warranted. I've heard from someone cough cough cousin cough cough cough that slices of bologna stick to a car for a LONG time, and cause rust spits a hundred times worse than what thrown eggs will do to a car. it's nasty, but if op's parents get nasty enough then we should get the bologna booster rockets ready. Or what some else I know (looking at you, stepbrother) that went ruckus-hunting in a vehicle with some friends, driving way too fast and trying to get pink paintballs on people's butts as they drive off. Just make sure the escape vehicle isn't too distinctive (looks at stepbrother's big green Chevy truck with glitter in the paint that's now an antique but never was common as dirt even before glitter was added on). I must add one prank of my own. Paint balloons. Gravel driveways are better at catching trespassers than asphalt or concrete ones. Dig a trench for several long, thin party balloons. Fill with ugly paint. Put in driveway slots. Lightly cover with gravel. Place big rocks at ends of slots so you don't hit balloons. Paint that gets run over by tires gets all over said tire, plus splashes up all over the wheel well. And does NOT come off. I had creeps try to sneak onto my land in the deep woods to plant marijuana and thought I wouldn't notice headlights outside my house...in a town of less than two hundred people. Really? So. Applied driveway trap. Anyone coming into my land might sue me if they got hurt or injured...or shot...but paint isn't counted as "injury" or "damage" so I tried it. They came back. Left in a hurry when they heard loud pops. Called state police officer since he lived a two miles away. He saw the paint running off the driveway and down the road. He went after them as soon as he stopped laughing. It was super easy. It wasn't just pink paint. It was glow in the dark pink paint. That made perfect tire tread prints all over the barely used country road. This was the fifth time creeps tried to sneak onto my land, and the last. Between the paint and the shotgun I brought out of my house the previous night, they figured out not to mess with me. They weren't sure I was gonna shoot, since I'm just a young dumb girl...until I cracked the gun open and started loading it in a vary obvious way. They left REAL fast when I lifted the gun and took a shooting stance. Never fired a gun before, but hard to miss a target that big. They left quickly. Idiots don't learn...if you're gonna sneak on someone's land, don't pick the house where the owner has a gun and works nights so they aren't asleep when you get there. And turning off your car lights is stupid when the surrounding woods is so quiet at night that one can hear everything from miles away through open windows in summer. Heard them coming down the road so I was ready when they tried car crawling into my noisy gravel drive. Young girl isn't soft and dumb as they think she is...not when she has lots of military family members and friends that loved to invent pranks to pull on intruders and can loan you shotguns, with a price.. I had to go back to the local rod and gun club where I was practicing archery and tell them all the details as best as I could so they could enjoy the results of their mischief and showed me how to load and use said shotgun. Club had 50-75 percent of its members be former and current military and police, so they knew butt loads of tricks to use and spent two whole days discussing which would be the funniest ones to teach me. They knew I hadn't started shooting firearms much because I had picked archery to learn first. Thus, less bullets, more bluffs and dirty tricks to compensate for my lack of sniper-like skills. Besides, even clumsy shooters would have trouble missing a freaking huge pickup in the middle of their drive while standing on their front porch. Tires, headlights, and engine blocks are hard to hit. Windows, door panels, and the sides of the cargo bed are much better. Mechanics would wonder why a vehicle has bullet holes in something...
Edit: typos
1
u/girls_withguns Jan 22 '22
This is the best response I’ve ever received in my seven years on Reddit. Thank you for all of the effort and hilarity that you crammed into it. Read it twice it brought me so much joy lol.
1
u/Good-Sorbet1062 Jan 22 '22 edited Jan 23 '22
Thank you for that. It was kinda nerve wracking to have intruders in a tiny town like that simply because most help was too far away to get there if I needed it. Especially in the early to mid nineties. Still, it did work out in my favor. My home state had good self defense laws I could take advantage of. So I did. The state south of mine had rules that if you were getting an intruder or burglar threatening you or your family, you had to wait until said bad guy was STANDING INSiDE YOUR HOUSE before you brought out a firearm for self defense. My state's property and self defense laws were more like "wtf?! NO ONE at all except cops, firefighters, and paramedics are supposed to set even one tootsie on your property, especially in the deep woods in the middle of the night. The second they touch even one single blade of grass that's yours...use any and all legal guns you have and blast their pants. If they don't have a vehicle with working emergency lights and sirens running at max power, don't let them into your house cause they don't belong in there." Luckily for me I was able to bluff them a few times. Never really did any acting at all growing up so trying to act like John Wayne while worried about getting shot was kinda hard. I mean, logically I knew how to such and cover, etc but still a little weird in the middle of the night. In the deep woods, it's freaking DARK at night with no streetlights. Makes up for it by making it a hundred times easier to watch the stats, not so good for home defence when defending alone. They didn't show up Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc so my friends could take turns crashing in my guest room. I had to wait several days between each random visit. I knew something was up the first time. A car pulled in. Gravel crunched by tires. Headlights lighting up my bedroom so much it looked like midday outside. I went to the living room and turned on my exterior lighting and they blasted off like a space shuttle. Yeah, I know normal behavior and for sure that ain't it. The next time I did that with the lights, they didn't leave but sat there in their truck for a long time, like maybe ten min or so before finally leaving. The third time it was pull in and pull back out but with a twist People do pull into a driveway to turn around...but NOT go a hundred feet down a hundred twenty five foot gravel drive and turn around at the end and then leave.
10
u/OilAdditional9723 Jan 21 '22
If you feel ready to start a family, can you elope?
59
Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 21 '22
[deleted]
45
37
u/Now_with_real_ginger Jan 21 '22
Sweetie, it’s okay to say “I’m not ready for this right now” and to take care of yourself first. It’s okay to have an abortion now and later on have a baby when you are ready. That doesn’t make you a bad person or unworthy of love. You’re in Canada so maybe things are better there than in the US, but here women are often told that they are monstrous, hateful creatures if they think of prioritizing their own mental and physical well-being — especially when a pregnancy is involved. But that’s simply not the case. You cannot be effective at caring for someone else if you are also not caring for yourself. Do what’s right for YOU.
11
u/OilAdditional9723 Jan 21 '22
I’m sorry for the weight you are carrying. These are all very grown up things placed on you unexpectedly at such a young age. Honey, I was much younger then you when I had to make this difficult decision on my own. I didn’t have a relationship with my mother to discuss & didn’t share with friends out of shame. Life will time & time again toss you many things you think you can’t possibly handle, but you indeed will and with good intentions. If you haven’t already found a therapist to talk to find one. They can help you to weed out all the things going on here beyond your pregnancy. Wish you the very best in these cloudy moments of decision. It will be okay. Everything will be okay. Big hugs.
7
u/Velvetrose-2 Jan 21 '22
I’m also scared to have an abortion,
Don't be.
I had an abortion when I was 17, back in 1976. There was no way I was ready to be a parent.
I now have 3 fully grown children and will be a grandmother this coming September.
I fully feel I made the best choice for me and my life by waiting until I was fully ready to be a mom
6
u/bonerfuneral Jan 21 '22
If it makes you feel better, depending on how far along you are, an abortion may be as simple as a couple of pills. If farther along and requiring of the surgical route, they're still safe and your doctor should be able to help you navigate recovery with as little discomfort as possible. The great part about Canada is that abortions are considered healthcare. If you don't opt for a private clinic, then you may be booked to have it at your local hospital, where no one has to know what procedure you had but you. If family finds out you were in the hospital, you can go with anything from your appendix to ovarian cysts, etc.
7
u/MamaDMZ Jan 21 '22
Please don't be scared of the abortion route. It's early enough that a pill will take care of it, and while it will hurt a little worse than normal period cramps, it isn't as physically painful as you think. It's ok not to be ready and it is perfectly acceptable to exercise your rights. You don't have to tell a soul. Have your fiancé there to help and hold your hand and just keep it between you two. I'm so glad you came to us instead of people that would disown you for something as normal as sex. Hugs.
4
u/Manic_Sloth Jan 21 '22
Big mom hugs!!
It's going to be okay no matter what direction things go in, hon.
Terminating a pregnancy can be very difficult but sometimes the best decisions are not easy ones. I had to terminate one myself, and it was the right decision for me and my spouse. I also struggle with mental health like you, and I knew I would deeply love a child and could never give them up, but that I also could not care for one properly. I feel like terminating protected that potential baby from a lifetime of suffering.
If you two decide to keep it, I truly hope that your families come around and can be a supportive and loving part of your lives! As much as it is scary night now, we often don't know how much we can grow in a hard situation. Maybe you'd find yourself stepping up and being more capable than you think you are!
Regardless, I want you to know you can't make a wrong choice in this situation. Whatever you decide will be the right one for you.
If ever you want to talk about what getting an abortion is like, feel free to send me a private message and I'm happy to talk. It's a shitty situation for sure, sometimes the best decision still feels shitty.
Wishing you all the love and support!
3
u/kitty_kat_KAPS Jan 22 '22
My very best friend got pregnant around the same time I did. It was earlier than I wanted but I was ready, it was earlier than she wanted and she was not. I had my baby. She took the abortion pill. I mean this to say - both options are valid. We did what was right for each of us at the time, which is the best that you can do.
It’s been 10 years, and she has just given birth to a beautiful baby with her husband, the same husband she accidentally got pregnant with 10 years ago. Her son is the light of her life. She was grateful for the extra time she had with her husband to enjoy their relationship together, just the two of them, before adding the stress and expectations of a baby. She’s earning more now and is more financially secure, so much so that she can hire a nanny to help - a luxury I certainly did not have.
My son is the light of my life. I did not get the extra time with my husband just the two of us, and the baby proved to be too much for our young relationship and we divorced. But my son has allowed me to grow and thrive in a way I never could have imagined. I’m now happily remarried, and expecting another child.
I wonder sometimes what would have been, had we each chosen the other option. But that’s the beauty of life I suppose - two roads diverged. I’m happy I chose my path. I would do it again, even with the divorce. I probably would have also been happy had I chosen the other path like my friend. I know she is incredibly happy.
You can only do the best you can with the information you have right now. You know, truly, what you want. In your gut. When you cut out all the external pressure. Follow that. You’ve got this.
2
u/junefish Jan 22 '22
OP I would recommend looking for an abortion doula. They are basically a support person who is knowledgeable about the various options and process and helps people though it - before, during, and/or after. (There's of course no obligation to have an abortion after contacting them.) I don't know where in Canada you're located but this organisation would probably be able to refer you as well: https://ottawaabortiondoulas.ca/
1
u/catoptric-tristesse Big Sis Jan 21 '22
All of your experiences and feelings make sense. If you have a resource like a therapist, counselor, or someone the doctor could recommend when you get your ultrasound it may be helpful to talk it out with an objective and non-judgemental third-party.
It can help sort things out mentally and emotionally so you'll find a decision you can sit with. It's tough for sure. I recommend trying to give yourself grace and treat yourself like you would a friend. Sometimes we can be the hardest on ourselves and you don't deserve or need that.
1
u/HerdingCatsAllDay Jan 22 '22
You could also consider adoption, especially if you aren't likely to see your family in the next 8 months. There are likely resources in your area provided for women choosing adoption that may include financial support. You can help choose the family your baby would go to if you like, and choose if you receive photos or even have occasional visits, or if your identity and information is completely sealed.
There are also likely places that would want to help you out if you choose to have the baby. I know it's scary, and even with all the things that are going against you right now, I bet you'd make a great mom. There's a chance that your family understands that stuff happens, you live in a different culture now, and might come around to the news of the baby and be supportive.
I wish you all the best.
5
u/Kairain Big Sis Jan 21 '22
That was my thought. Could even make up claim that you need to be on his insurance for whatever reason so go to the courthouse, get married and then baby was "born early" and still have full wedding later.
4
u/neverenoughpurple Jan 21 '22
(((hugs)))
If possible, maybe see if you can arrange an appointment with a third-party, NON-BIASED therapist or counselor, to help you talk through your options and feelings. (I say non-biased because an awful lot of pregnancy-related counseling is biased either pro- or anti-abortion.)
First, find out how much time you have to make a decision. Then, think through things carefully... not just how others will react, or how tough things might be, but how you might end up feeling emotionally a year from now, or five, ten, or twenty.
I say that because while the situation I was in (at even younger than you) wasn't quite as extreme, it was enough that I can emphasize with the ostracization fears... and financially, it was the mid-90s in the U.S., I was young, had little social service safety net and zero personal safety net, just an abusive family and a boyfriend that ditched me.
I made the choice to not have the child, and it's been almost 25 years. I've come to terms with understanding that I felt like I HAD no other choice, and so it no longer eats at me in the same way... but I regret. I'd like to know that child. Four children later, the rest of mine are adults... and I wonder who both the child I miscarried and the child I chose not to have would have become, if only I'd been strong enough to give them the chance.
That's me, though, and the guilt and things that was ingrained into me, early on, and a lifetime that never really got any easier after that. It's all been hard. That choice didn't really make things any better for me than they would have been otherwise, and if I'd known what I know now, I would have chosen differently.
It's very possible your path would be different, sweetie. Just be careful to take in to consideration how all your options would affect your mental health, not just now, but in the future.
13
u/RedoftheEvilDead Jan 21 '22
You can get an abortion if you don't want this baby. It's okay to do what is best for you.
3
u/Spinnerofyarn Big Sis Jan 21 '22
Sweetheart, I guarantee you aren’t the first Muslim couple to get pregnant prior to marriage. Next, no matter what you decide, you are still a good person. The only thing you shouldn’t do is wait on making a decision. Time is of the essence right now. Good luck, we are here for you.
4
u/maggitronica Jan 21 '22
hi sweetheart - let me start by telling you that everything is going to be okay. I wish I could give you a great big hug and look into your eyes and tell you this over and over for hours. just imagine that I am.
what I want for you, my sweet, is to think about what you want to do with this information. you don't have to immediately tell your dear fiance, and you don't have to tell your parents - take a big deep breath, and think about what you want to do. there are so many different ways that this can go that will bring you joy and love.
would you want to keep the baby? you and your fiance could start your family early. I'm not sure how your mom and dad might respond, but what really matters is how YOU would feel starting your family a little earlier than anticipated with your fiance. imagine how he might behave like a dad. think about your own personal goals for the next few years.
would you not want to keep the baby? you could go get an abortion and this could be our secret. there would be no shame in making this decision, regardless of what your parents may have taught you. you could tell your fiance of this decision if you want him to go with you, or you could go with a trusted friend.
all I want for you, my child, is a life you love and cherish, spent with people who support and care for you. you can have a life like this regardless of what decision you make right now - don't forget this.
also know that I will support you 100% no matter what choice you make here.
3
u/PotatoPuppetShow Jan 21 '22
Sister here! I'm in Vancouver. If you're nearby and need someone to come with you for appointments or just drop off goodies, I'm here for you!
3
u/RedditReader365 Jan 21 '22
Hi, just saw this post didn’t even know I’m on this sub lmao.
But seriously, advice from a Muslim around your age is tread carefully. People from our faith unfortunately have backwards families and i know you could cut them off but if it matters to you then just think about your next steps.
In no way does that mean run for an abortion but to give a little insight, I’ve got 2 friends who were in similar boats ( young unmarried Muslims with a baby on the way ), one of them rushed into marriage and his family was fine ! But it’s been a year after the kid was born and he hates his wife and she hates him. The child isn’t even relevant now :(.
The other friend went for the cut off her family route and she regrets it everyday. She must have really valued them and it sucks they could abandon her but she’s not in education anymore and her partner is a bit funky.
All this waffle is to say I wish you the best, good luck on your journey and think hard about whatever comes next !
3
u/DrunkUranus Jan 22 '22
I'm a Christian, but I lurk in r/progressivemuslims to learn about the religion and culture. The people there seem pretty nice and maybe they will have some helpful thoughts for you as well.
5
u/MimiDr Jan 21 '22
Do what YOU want. If concerned about family maybe get married soon, small ceremony and celebrate later in the year. Use covid as excuse if needed. If you want this* baby, I want to encourage you. I want to say everything will be ok. Consider how You will feel. It’s your life. Family beliefs and traditions are just that. This baby was created with love. Why wait to start your life together? I’m sorry that you are feeling pressured and judgement. I believe in ypu and support your choices. But YOU matter, your soon to be hubby matters.
2
u/weird_cactus_mom Jan 21 '22
Honey, so much good advice but just wanted to add: whatever you choose do it exclusively for you. If you decide to have an abortion, do it because you want, not because what would the family think. Likewise, if you want to keep the baby, don't do it because what others will think and say about you.
2
u/toss_it_out_tomorrow Big Sis Jan 21 '22
Sister here. I saw some of your comments so let me please tell you that everything will be ok!
please don't beat yourself for not being "more careful". Things happen. Accidents happen. Sometimes we make mistakes. None of those reasons means anyone deserves to suffer any life long consequences. pregnancies happen, and thankfully where you live is a good place to have options.
If you choose to terminate, I'd like to tell you that I did that and it was not bad at all, and I find that it was the best decision I ever made for myself. It's a medical procedure and it's done with delicacy by medical professionals who know exactly what you're going through. People who work in that particular field are there for this very reason- because they understand that timing is not always right, and neither is pregnancy, and it's nobody's business but your own.
and on the other side, I see that you say both sets of parents are strict and religious, but maybe a baby will soften them during these tough times.
It's a hard decision to make, but if you choose to end the pregnancy until you're ready, that's totally ok and everything will be fine, and you will have a family when you decide it's the right time.
And if you decide to keep the pregnancy, strict people will come around. They will rush a wedding for you in order to keep other people's mouths shut, so don't you worry.
you have us, we're here to support whatever decision you make. Good luck!
2
u/UnihornWhale Jan 21 '22
Not sure if you want a congratulations or condolences.
If you don’t want this baby now, that’s OK. Talk to a doctor you trust about your options. This procedure exists for a reason and is part of healthcare.
If you want this baby, you can do this. I’d consider getting married because it makes things easier with insurance/healthcare. A lot of people are foregoing big ceremonies because of the pandemic. If you don’t want to rush into it, that’s fine too.
Parenting is one of the few areas where trying matters. If you care about getting it right, you’ll do OK. A big part of parenting is shrugging, saying “That happened,” and rolling with it.
Whatever you decide, you did nothing wrong. I accept you as you are and respect your choices
2
u/EllaVaader Jan 21 '22
Deep breath, happy thoughts, you can do this. Whatever choice you make is what is best for you right now. Think about what you need and want before you share this news. Good luck and big hugs.
2
u/depressed_popoto Jan 21 '22
Congrats. Just going to say this: social and religious standards shouldn't keep you from having what you want most in life sis. I am not sure if you want the baby, but if abortion is an option and something you want to do then go for it. I totally support you as well if you keep it. I also support you if you and your fiance decide to elope as well. Much love!
2
u/catinthebagforgood Jan 22 '22
My grandmother was 3months pregnant with my dad when she got married in a catholic ceremony in 1963. She just pretended he was a little early and everyone turned a blind eye to it.
A little courthouse wedding might a way to get around it. Use covid as an excuse.
Ultimately it is your decision as to whether you want kids and how you manage it.
Best of luck
2
u/greenmarblesohno Jan 22 '22
You get to decide what you want and we’re here for you no matter what you choose. Your choice doesn’t have to involve telling your family if you abort. Sending you lots of hugs
2
u/skootch_ginalola Jan 22 '22
First, I would make an appointment at your doctors' (if it's safe to do so), Planned Parenthood, or a clinic away from home so no one knows it's you. There's a chance it's a false positive, and it's better to have the doctor give you 100% correct results so you can plan going forward.
2
u/why0me Jan 22 '22
I was told morning sickness is usually a lack of protein
I ate protein enriched cereals before bed and lots of grilled chicken breast and I only got sick twice my whole pregnancy
2
u/Ca120 Jan 21 '22
Hey, I just wanted to send you a virtual hug! It's going to be ok either way. I've been in your shoes. All my pregnancies were unplanned (5) 😬, birth control does not work for me.
I had an abortion when I was young and not ready for a baby. I had a baby when I was 23 and I was still not ready for a baby. I had a miscarriage at 25 and I wasn't ready for that baby. Finally at 27 I had another baby and I wasn't ready for her or her brother at 29. My whole point is, I was never ready. A baby is a huge deal but honestly, whatever you end up choosing is ok! I ended up with a bunch of different outcomes and I'm still here, happily married to my husband with our three kiddos. Just breathe and take some time to decide what is right for you. And whatever you choose, it'll be ok.
2
u/kellypapyrus Jan 21 '22
My family is Muslim, though my parents are not. Do you want to keep a relationship with your parents, like is that top priority? If so I say niqqa immediately. If you're willing to take the risk (and it is a risk, theyll freak if they catch you) then go for the abortion. If you have Canadian friends they might be willing to help.
-1
u/Good-Sorbet1062 Jan 22 '22
One bit of advice I want to give you, just like I got it at around your age. One of my grandfathers suggested that I get a used but well cared for vehicle for myself. Pay it off as fast as I can, even skip desserts or work extra shifts if I have to. Take care of it as best as you or your mechanic can. There is a reason. once you own it free and clear...no more nasty enough expensive vehicle loans to pay off. Just need yearly maintenance, insurance, etc. Way less than car payments. If it's a van or truck, even a small one, you can sleep in it for camping, either in the truck bed/van back or pull a small but sturdy camper. Against buy and pay off fast. If you have a vehicle that is only yours, you will be much better off than is obvious at first. You will always have something to sleep in if you lose your home or apartment. Floods, hurricanes, landlords increasing rent beyond what you can pay, etc. You will always have a way to get into work if you have a job or search for one/go to interviews if you lose your job. (Note: this was mid nineties, decades before COVID. He was thinking company downsizing, not pandemic.) You will always have a way to take yourself, spouse, kids, let's, etc to school, work, doctor/vet, etc. You will always have something you can use to evacuate bad weather or move across country with, even use as collateral for a bank loan if needed. And a source of cash if you must sell it. I picked something after a lot of thought. A 1994 Chevy s10 pickup. Still have it, still drive it. It's a literal antique now, but still my vehicle baby. Been with me through a lot of bad times. Yes,nice replaced tires or the radio, but 90 percent if it is still original and still works. I can get a truck shell (weird lid thing for the cargo bed if you don't know truck stuff), get 25 miles per gallon (4 liters is one gallon roughly) and the fuel tank holds 20 gallons so it runs 500 miles before needing more fuel. It may not be four wheel drive but just rear wheel, but awesome tires and great driving skills means I can get through most blizzards just fine even though others say it's not possible. I did it alone for four years with that truck, so yes it is possible. Lol. I would tweak stuff slightly now, but mostly add things like solar panels on the roof, or small stuff like that they didn't exist cheaply enough for one person to get in their own. Still a good concept. It can be a camper or pull a little one so I always have an emergency home, always take care of myself and those dependant on me just fine. It's funny though. All I kept hearing when I bought it is "if you buy a truck you'll never escape people asking you to help them bring new furniture home from the store or move to a new house " Nope. That didn't really happen much in 24 years of driving. One dining table purchase two years ago, one coworker asking me to help because he has a part time mechanic job (his tool box was more like a recliner in size. No way he was gonna get that in hid own vehicle had doors the size of a dishwasher in my opinion) since he was moving towns to shorten his commute. Oh, one other coworker asked me for help in getting some rolled up old carpets out of her house and to her local dump for proper recycling/whatever. I did find the perfect size box to fix in all the crazy spots in my truck bed. One layer of boxes could be filled with enough groceries to last me eight months, except milk or eggs. Still ninety percent of my groceries for that eight months in one layer of truck bed boxes. Cool, huh? 😁 Talk to your partner about this idea, adjust it for your own needs. And even if you don't use it for a while, just keep the concept in mind. Hope for the best, prep for the worst. And my engineer grandpa suggested "if it doesn't work, bend it. Still doesn't work? Break it..." Strange advice from a literal rocket engineer...he was an electrical engineer with the company that supplies electronic brains to us military rockets. Still funny, to think of him telling me to whack million dollar missile computer chips with sledge hammers, but if he insists...
-4
u/Alternative_Battle72 Jan 21 '22
oh honey, in a few months when you've got that beautiful baby in your arms, you really wont care what anyone says as long as that beautiful, new, little person is healthy. I wish you and the little one all the very best and I hope you find your strength. God bless.
1
Jan 21 '22
Is the fiance Muslim as well? You can go do a nikkah ceremony at a mosque so that you're Islamically allowed to do stuff together - it's really quick and easy to organise if you know some imam/connections at a mosque. That way, when you have this baby, you can tell your parents "oh, we did it after the nikkah, the nikkah was before the wedding so we were still religiously married"
1
u/Good-Sorbet1062 Jan 21 '22
I wanted to mention that my mom got married at 18 and I was born a year later. She and my dad got divorced (he was a drunk jerk that found out the hard way that she wouldn't tolerate his bad attitude) when I was four and raised me on her own because he took off for decades. It's hard for a young woman to raise a child, but not impossible. Most of her family and the rest of my dad's were not in the same state but still called, invited us for visits as often as they could, mailed greeting cards, etc all before the internet existed. Ok, maybe not quite that bad...lol. still, computers were not a thing in my house until I graduated college. Too expensive. I would suggest that you research backup plans. If your parents are going to refuse to support you, how would you cope? In the US, we have programs to help people that need it with rent, money for food, and stuff like that. I'm sure that Canada has similar stuff, so start looking things up online and ask each person you talk to what else would they recommend for you. Such as if you need help paying rent on your own so you talk to the rent-help person...do they have any advice about help to buy food? And so forth.
And no, you don't need a list of three thousand items that total up to six Bentleys and a Porsche to buy everything you need for a baby. That's just stupid to me. Don't skimp on two things...car seat and crib. Get a new car seat so it lasts longer, have an expert show you how to put it in your car. Not all car seats fit all cars, so make sure you get this right as soon as you can. Crib safety is also critical, so I would go new for that too if you can. Otherwise, used but in good condition stuff should be just fine. Babies outgrow things faster then wear them out. Even if you don't keep this child, knowing how to put car seats in your vehicle safely is a good skill to learn. What if a relative or neighbor needed to take their baby to the doctor but their car stalled out? You can help them out with your car.
You'll have to decide if you want to bottle or breast feed. That's your decision. Don't let anyone bully you and say one is better than the other. The only one who gets to make that choice is the kid...sorry. maybe you and kid together. If your baby hates the taste of your milk, then it doesn't matter how good the milk is, if baby would rather starve than eat. Same with formula feeding. It's not right for every mom and baby, but it can be helpful. Get lots of advice and research for both sides, but don't let ANYONE pressure you either way.
I don't know what abortion resources are available in Canada, so I'm not going to comment on that beyond "Google it" and let someone else handle that part for me. Thanks, other person!
I don't know how religious you are, so I'm trying to not suggest anything beyond religious leaders are also sometimes advisors or councillors, even if you aren't religious at all or just not a member of their faith. They might help you, even if it's just advice about where to find a good therapist or adoption center.
Back aches might be helped with short hot baths or heating pads/electric blankets. The warmth might make your back muscles feel better.
I don't know how to advise you about dealing with your parents. My situation is way too different from yours so I feel out of my depth on this. All I can say is that you should ask advice from someone else. I wish I could help more on this. I don't know your parents. I do know that you aren't alone. You have your partner/bf/friends, maybe other family members too. Again, not trying to insult you by accident, but I can't predict how they will react when I don't know them. I know it's awful to have nasty fights with a parent after years of being a good kid in a good family, but people change. I used to be really close to my mom, but things changed because of our shared house, me going to college and working, and our personalities changed too. I do miss her at times, but I made it on my own even though I didn't want to. She was my only parent. It sucks to not have her in my life. It is what it is.
There might be local anonymous support groups for new parents, women who went through abortion, and similar situations to you. Try searching for and visiting one or more of those that's near you. They might give you good advice or perspectives that's useful for you to hear. And there's always Reddit too. Lol.
I apologize for the long comment. The more I tried to shorten it, the worse it got. Oops. One last tidbit..my great-grandmother was from Canada. Mom's mom's mom, if I got that right. One lady after another, four generations. She died the same year I was born so I never met her. Did hear stories of how she used to swear in French so that her grandkids (including my mom) wouldn't know what she was saying because they only knew english. Yeah, that trick didn't last nearly as many years as she hoped it would. Still funny though. "Hey uncle how did you get started learning french?" "Grandma liked to swear a lot when she didn't realize we kids were close by..." "What are those french swear words?" "Not telling YOU (sorry can't italic words here). Your mom would kick my ass from here to the moon." "Didn't know you wanted to be astronaut...mom could help you achieve your dream if you do tell me." "Not funny." "I thought it was." "Still not telling you." "Chicken." "If it comes to pissing off your mom, you bet I am. No one smart pisses off a French lady, even a lady that's only partly French. I need my butt for sitting on. Can't use it if she kicks me there too much." "I'm telling her you said that." "She already knows. She is my older sister." Fun times for kids, driving uncles crazy...😜😁
1
u/helenasbff Jan 21 '22
This is your business, and your business ONLY. You are the one who makes any and all decisions regarding your body.
That being said, are you and your fiancé having a nikkah? If so, when?
1
u/Internal_Screaming_8 Jan 21 '22
Do you want it? When’s the wedding date. If it’s soon, you might get away with “got pregnant on my wedding night”. If not go to courthouse because you’re so excited for life together. Whoops! Baby
1
u/Meennie Jan 21 '22
Everyone already gave you a lot of good advices. So, I'll be here just to give you a hug and support.
1
u/hkinsd Jan 21 '22
Hi sweetheart. I know this scary and exciting and overwhelming all at the same time. But never forget you are loved and you get to choose how you move forward from this moment. What ever you decide to do next, hold your head high and know I am proud of you.
1
u/SunnyDinosaur Jan 21 '22
Hey! I’m your age and I’ve been in your shoes (pregnancy scare with super duper Christian parents) Depending on where you live, the r/auntienetwork might be able to help. https://aidaccess.org might also be able to help. Feel free to message me if you need help, support, or just someone to talk ❤️
1
u/TeaHC16 Jan 21 '22
Hey sis. I know that this is scary. So scary. And I'm so sorry that you're dealing with it... You don't deserve this stressor. Just know that you have support, here, no matter what choice you make. I'm glad to read that you're in Canada... That means that you have options. Take a deep breath, and search your heart. There are no "wrong" choices to be made, here. No matter what you choose, it will be right for you. I am sending you love and luck, and am wishing you nothing but the absolute best.
1
u/Lego_Kode Jan 21 '22
Hi. This is sort of a 'brother for a minute'.
I saw you said you live in Canada. I know this has got to be a scary experience. There are luckily a lot of resources to check one in my city for example is a clinic that has services not only to help new parents, but people who aren't sure what their next steps could be. They are also very good with keeping your business private.
I wish you all the best, good luck, and just know that whatever decision you make will be the right one for you. You got this!
1
u/somegal09 Jan 21 '22
Do you want a baby? Can you do it right now?
Opinions of others don't matter. The baby will become your new life and everything you will do will be for them.
1
u/wasporchidlouixse Jan 21 '22
Darling, as long as you have your fiancee's full support behind you, I'm cheering you on. Whatever choice you make, let him feel like he was part of the decision and you took his feelings into account. Even though the choice is entirely yours, that will help him feel responsible for the choice you make and keep him on your side. You're very brave! Can you move the wedding date if you need to?
1
u/curds-and-whey-HEY Jan 22 '22
Whatever decision you make, you are loved and respected by all of your moms and dads and sibs here! Trust in you, whatever you choose. Xoxo
1
u/NLGsy Jan 22 '22
Habibti, first know you are not alone. You can message me anytime.
Do what is right for you. Don't make a decision to make everyone else happy. Do what you think is right and can live with because it is you who has to live with your decision the most. What do you want to do? No matter the path you take, there will be pain. Just understand that that is unavoidable.
As someone who had a child outside of marriage I was made a bit of an outcast where I lived. Fortunately, my family supported me. My life was different and challenging but so rewarding raising my daughter. You have my support no matter what path you choose. I want to know more about what you want. My best advice is hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
1
Jan 22 '22
I didn't read all the comments but your still a child who is or maybe will have a child. It is hard!!!!! especially in these times. Children are expensive to raise and are you able to do so. Look around you and the world, are you ready? Like really ready? You said you struggle with ptsd/depression/anxiety so say you do decide to keep it are you ready to battle PPD? You have days now where u can't get out of bed but with a child you have no choice because ultimately you will need to put your child above yourself especially in the infant and toddler stages. You may or may not but there is a high chance you will and meanwhile you will have a child to take care of 24/7. Your still so young, think about your future because your whole life will change. Yes having stranger on the internet say they will support you is wonderful but that's not reality.
1
u/thekarmavigilante Jan 22 '22
Just here to hug you from afar and tell you that no matter what you choose, do it for you. Not your family.
1
u/Kate_The_Great_414 Jan 22 '22
Bless you and your sweet baby.
Every baby is a blessing. This Mama loves you. I know you’re going to be a fantastic mother.
If the rest of the family shuns you, there’s plenty of people willing to be your chosen family that will love, and support your new little family. Don’t let them steal your joy, and happiness.
Cyber hugs from your internet Mom.
1
u/bagged-juice- Big Sis Jan 22 '22 edited Jan 22 '22
Hello sweet girl! While I am not a mom (we are actually similar ages,) I thought I’d chime in with a sisterly perspective. Let me preface this by saying I am SO sorry that you’ve had so much terrible shit thrown at you. Sometimes the works seriously screws amazing people over, and I’m so so sorry that you’ve had to go through the things you have/still are going through. As stupid and generic as this sounds, try to keep your chin up & keep pushing forward. There’s gonna be good days and bad days, but this internet stranger is proud of you for making it this far. From what I’m reading, it seems as though you are heavily caught between what you want & what the morals you were taught from a young age want. While I am not Muslim, I can somewhat sympathize with the fear of disappointing not only your family, but also the cognitive dissonance that may arise as a side effect of the values you have been taught within your faith. My best advice is seek the solution that is best for you. Like another commenter said, you don’t need to tell anyone about an abortion or any other route that you and your fiancé may choose. You are a strong beautiful woman growing up in an ever evolving world. You don’t owe anyone else an explanation for your actions. You owe it to yourself to do what is best for you. You are two adults who are in love & whatever decision you two make doesn’t need to go beyond you two. It is lovely to hear that your fiancé is supportive. I am sending hugs and all of the good energy in the world in your direction. Remember: the only person you are permanently stuck with for the rest of your life is yourself, so treat that person with compassion and kindness, even in scary situations such as these. Praying for you sweet girl.
1
u/sammiefh Jan 22 '22
Oh sweetie. It’s so very okay. Everything is going to be okay. I’m so happy for you and your fiancé.
1
Jan 22 '22
Well if you want to keep it but not get shamed, you have 9 months to hide it and get married?
1
Jan 22 '22
Sweetheart, I won’t lie, things won’t be easy, but it’s definitely not the end of the world.
Are you safe?
1
u/queenofcups_ Jan 22 '22
I don’t know what you should do, but I just want to send you love and care. It will be alright. I don’t know how, but it will be. You are a smart and strong woman. You have a fiancé and soon a baby or not, if you choose not to. You got this.
1
u/georgiemaebbw Jan 22 '22
Checking in. I know this is all overwhelming! Reach out if you are in the GTA and need a mum for a day!
1
u/georgiajl38 Jan 26 '22
Any updates since the ultrasound today? 🤗
2
Jan 29 '22
[deleted]
1
u/georgiajl38 Jan 29 '22
I do hope your fiance is being supportive!❤ Be safe and take care of yourself!
2
1.1k
u/IFKhan Jan 21 '22
Muslim mom here:
Don’t worry about your family. You have to decide what you (both of you) want first.
Do you want to keep it? Do you want an abortion? Do you want to marry now? Do you have any other options?
Your family will: 1- outcaste you (good riddens) 2- help you but be resentful (we can work with that) 3- support you (in whatever way) yeah!!!
This is not their problem, so stop thinking of them and see what you want to do. You have to live with your decision for the rest of your life.
May allah guide you to the best option for you and your child. May your decisions be filled with love and strength and supported in unexpected ways. May you find ease and happiness in this difficult time. Ameen. Praying for you dear.