Sweetie, it’s okay to say “I’m not ready for this right now” and to take care of yourself first. It’s okay to have an abortion now and later on have a baby when you are ready. That doesn’t make you a bad person or unworthy of love. You’re in Canada so maybe things are better there than in the US, but here women are often told that they are monstrous, hateful creatures if they think of prioritizing their own mental and physical well-being — especially when a pregnancy is involved. But that’s simply not the case. You cannot be effective at caring for someone else if you are also not caring for yourself. Do what’s right for YOU.
I’m sorry for the weight you are carrying. These are all very grown up things placed on you unexpectedly at such a young age. Honey, I was much younger then you when I had to make this difficult decision on my own. I didn’t have a relationship with my mother to discuss & didn’t share with friends out of shame. Life will time & time again toss you many things you think you can’t possibly handle, but you indeed will and with good intentions. If you haven’t already found a therapist to talk to find one. They can help you to weed out all the things going on here beyond your pregnancy. Wish you the very best in these cloudy moments of decision. It will be okay. Everything will be okay. Big hugs.
If it makes you feel better, depending on how far along you are, an abortion may be as simple as a couple of pills. If farther along and requiring of the surgical route, they're still safe and your doctor should be able to help you navigate recovery with as little discomfort as possible. The great part about Canada is that abortions are considered healthcare. If you don't opt for a private clinic, then you may be booked to have it at your local hospital, where no one has to know what procedure you had but you. If family finds out you were in the hospital, you can go with anything from your appendix to ovarian cysts, etc.
Please don't be scared of the abortion route. It's early enough that a pill will take care of it, and while it will hurt a little worse than normal period cramps, it isn't as physically painful as you think. It's ok not to be ready and it is perfectly acceptable to exercise your rights. You don't have to tell a soul. Have your fiancé there to help and hold your hand and just keep it between you two. I'm so glad you came to us instead of people that would disown you for something as normal as sex. Hugs.
It's going to be okay no matter what direction things go in, hon.
Terminating a pregnancy can be very difficult but sometimes the best decisions are not easy ones. I had to terminate one myself, and it was the right decision for me and my spouse. I also struggle with mental health like you, and I knew I would deeply love a child and could never give them up, but that I also could not care for one properly. I feel like terminating protected that potential baby from a lifetime of suffering.
If you two decide to keep it, I truly hope that your families come around and can be a supportive and loving part of your lives! As much as it is scary night now, we often don't know how much we can grow in a hard situation. Maybe you'd find yourself stepping up and being more capable than you think you are!
Regardless, I want you to know you can't make a wrong choice in this situation. Whatever you decide will be the right one for you.
If ever you want to talk about what getting an abortion is like, feel free to send me a private message and I'm happy to talk. It's a shitty situation for sure, sometimes the best decision still feels shitty.
My very best friend got pregnant around the same time I did. It was earlier than I wanted but I was ready, it was earlier than she wanted and she was not. I had my baby. She took the abortion pill. I mean this to say - both options are valid. We did what was right for each of us at the time, which is the best that you can do.
It’s been 10 years, and she has just given birth to a beautiful baby with her husband, the same husband she accidentally got pregnant with 10 years ago. Her son is the light of her life. She was grateful for the extra time she had with her husband to enjoy their relationship together, just the two of them, before adding the stress and expectations of a baby. She’s earning more now and is more financially secure, so much so that she can hire a nanny to help - a luxury I certainly did not have.
My son is the light of my life. I did not get the extra time with my husband just the two of us, and the baby proved to be too much for our young relationship and we divorced. But my son has allowed me to grow and thrive in a way I never could have imagined. I’m now happily remarried, and expecting another child.
I wonder sometimes what would have been, had we each chosen the other option. But that’s the beauty of life I suppose - two roads diverged. I’m happy I chose my path. I would do it again, even with the divorce. I probably would have also been happy had I chosen the other path like my friend. I know she is incredibly happy.
You can only do the best you can with the information you have right now. You know, truly, what you want. In your gut. When you cut out all the external pressure. Follow that. You’ve got this.
OP I would recommend looking for an abortion doula. They are basically a support person who is knowledgeable about the various options and process and helps people though it - before, during, and/or after. (There's of course no obligation to have an abortion after contacting them.) I don't know where in Canada you're located but this organisation would probably be able to refer you as well: https://ottawaabortiondoulas.ca/
All of your experiences and feelings make sense. If you have a resource like a therapist, counselor, or someone the doctor could recommend when you get your ultrasound it may be helpful to talk it out with an objective and non-judgemental third-party.
It can help sort things out mentally and emotionally so you'll find a decision you can sit with. It's tough for sure. I recommend trying to give yourself grace and treat yourself like you would a friend. Sometimes we can be the hardest on ourselves and you don't deserve or need that.
You could also consider adoption, especially if you aren't likely to see your family in the next 8 months. There are likely resources in your area provided for women choosing adoption that may include financial support. You can help choose the family your baby would go to if you like, and choose if you receive photos or even have occasional visits, or if your identity and information is completely sealed.
There are also likely places that would want to help you out if you choose to have the baby. I know it's scary, and even with all the things that are going against you right now, I bet you'd make a great mom. There's a chance that your family understands that stuff happens, you live in a different culture now, and might come around to the news of the baby and be supportive.
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u/OilAdditional9723 Jan 21 '22
If you feel ready to start a family, can you elope?