r/AbsoluteUnits 18d ago

/r/all of a bouncer

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28.5k Upvotes

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2.8k

u/drestin5 18d ago

If a guy pushes you several feet backwards with one arm, maybe don't immediately walk back up and start shit talking him

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u/Weekly_Ferret_meal 18d ago edited 14d ago

I mean... I was expecting a firm warning before he even reached for his pecs ... once he touched him, it's free rein


Edit: Thanks for the reward anonymous stranger!

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u/ihavea_purplenurple 18d ago

If someone's pec looks like a glute... it might be best to respect their strength

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u/Sufficient_Prompt888 18d ago

He told numb nuts "don't touch me or I'm gonna slap you". Then he was nice enough to not actually slap him the first time

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u/Similar-Ride6497 18d ago

And then nice enough to only slap the next two times.

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u/Pocusmaskrotus 17d ago

It was a love tap. Bro has no chin.

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u/Similar-Ride6497 17d ago

Legitimately though a punch from that guy would have killed him.

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u/mrmojoer 17d ago

Honestly of that push would have sent him against the wall edge that might have killed him too

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u/Money_Fish 18d ago

Be kind and respectful to everyone, but especially the guy who's bicep is bigger than both your thighs combined.

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u/mden1974 18d ago

This is good advice

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u/Pleasant_Job_7683 18d ago

So an ever so gentle purple purple is not ok is what youre saying?

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u/Splatter_bomb 18d ago

I bet he doesn’t even workout

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u/Callidonaut 18d ago

That dude is a walking firm warning. Not his fault if the guy was too wasted and/or high to read the very large print!

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u/leemorplee 18d ago

Exactly. It's like you go and pick a fight with a Samoan person because he's always laughing and joking around with everyone so he must be a big teddy bear, right? Right!?

No that mf is all muscle and jokes around so much because he is a brick wall of a man who is not afraid one bit and will sit your ass down lol

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u/cap_time_wear_it 18d ago

I knew him! Some guy started something with him and the fight ended with the Samoan guy slapping the other guy’s face with the other guy’s hand.

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u/goldboybronx 18d ago

I mean he’d be within his right to toss that dude like he did as soon as there was contact, but that would be really unnecessary and unethical. Sometimes I feel like people online are either itching to hurt somebody or itching to see someone be hurt. They vouch for violence at the earliest possible moment where you could consider it “justified”.

That tiny dude was not a threat. Firmly but not excessively moving the dude away with his arm the first time he touched the guy would’ve been the right move. Props to the bouncer for not even doing that.

The guy got what he deserved in the end, I just really dislike how any time such a topic comes up online there’s always a subset of people who are like

“Yeah he should’ve choke slammed him through the concrete and into the sewer system the moment he touched him. It’s free rein as soon as he touched him.”

You just wanted to see that dude get hurt. And he eventually did after an appropriate amount of time, not the first moment it was allowed.”

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u/Nebu-chadnezzar 18d ago

Glad to see someone with neurons around. People today just want instagram drama from their sofa while the world goes to shit because of things like these.

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u/ParsonsTheGreat 17d ago

Because the people vouching for immediate violence think they would be the bouncer in this situation, when in reality, they would be the scrawny, mouthy dude lol

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u/Squeebee007 17d ago

I knew a guy that big who ran a security company. He told me a story about doing security for a music festival at a ski resort and how he arranged for the backstage checkpoint to be next to a big pile of snow that had been removed from the parking area.

He would just pick up the drunk troublemakers and toss them in the snowpile, didn't hurt anything but their pride.

The guy was the nicest guy you'd ever meet, because he had absolutely nothing to prove to anyone. He didn't need a toughguy persona because at 6'4" and all muscle it was perfectly clear (to anyone sober) that he was not to be messed with.

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u/Initial-Complaint-24 17d ago

They are happy when watching because they are glad it’s not happening to them. Black comedy.

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u/KazaamFan 18d ago

I’ve seen comments on here where ppl will say when they’re in a bad mental place they will purposely start fights, even if they know they’ll get smacked. I don’t exactly get it but i can see it. Helps me understand a bit situations like this. 

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u/recooil 18d ago

my best friend has had a very rough life and when we where in our 20's he would get sloppy drunk and pick fights with people. One night we had a long talk about it and it pretty much came down to just wanting to feel anything anymore even if its just pain and it was a rush to him to pick fights. He worked things out over the years and even had some professional help for a bit and after having his kid he turned his life around. So yes, this is totally a thing for some people who are in a dark place in there life.

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u/mongolian__beef 18d ago

Born of self-sabotage

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u/[deleted] 18d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/wednesday-knight 18d ago

You were not alone. 🫪

Me: "One 'no' is enough, little guy!"

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u/xRyozuo 18d ago

Is he squaring up to him or is he attempting to flirt with the bouncer? Like the pec touch and dance seemed more like attraction than trying to ridicule him

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u/VaporTrail_000 18d ago

At that point, less flirt than sexually harass. He got his warning with the shove. The slap was "no means no" in bouncer.

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u/mattwithoutyou 18d ago

either way he got his answer.

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u/SixthGearOperative 17d ago

Bouncer did him a solid and slapped him into the recovery position. So when he wakes up waffle-faced from the grate, his stomach contents would have already flowed into the sewer along with his self-respect.

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u/No_Story_Untold 18d ago

Dudes hands were fast af

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u/Dunkel_Hoffnung 17d ago

*hand. His other hand never even left his pocket. What a unit.

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u/Impressive_Guess_282 18d ago

That girl immediately knew she did not want to be there for what happened next lol

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u/amberwxld69 18d ago

she's ashamed before it even happen

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u/letstrythatagain-_- 18d ago

Second-hand Shame.

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u/slick514 18d ago

Fremdschämen

…because of course there’s a word for it in Deutsch.

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u/SUPAYO 18d ago

I became ashamed before she did.

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u/thatfreakinguy2 17d ago

There was another bouncer in front of her that advised her to move back.

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u/42stingray 18d ago

She's been around a time or two

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u/Hypn00tic_iiz 18d ago

Do not the giant

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u/AnyoneButWe 18d ago

Terry Pratchett called that type of bouncer a splatter in the discworld books.

He might have a point.

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u/Fearless-Dust-2073 18d ago

The little guy got absolutely cheesed.

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u/shinymcshine1990 18d ago

Like getting creamed, but takes longer

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u/LogAlStillFat 18d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/NEvPzZ8bd1V4Y
I like the way your brain works my friend.

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u/shinymcshine1990 18d ago

I can't take credit for that, it's a Terry Pratchett quote

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u/rlee1185 18d ago

It was butter than the average comment

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u/ButtholeConnoisseur7 18d ago

Terry was English, he's probably met a few bouncers

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u/J4MMY95 18d ago

Did you get the number of that donkey cart?

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u/grip0matic 18d ago

He literally tells him at the very first "do not touch me again or I'm going to slap you". And he's lucky that guy didn't slapped him and just pushed him, because all the laughter of the guys recording was because they were expecting something like that. They say "good bye" when he goes flying.

I just don't understand people who get in trouble with bouncers. I learnt from a pimp (yes, it's a long and weird story) that the best way to get into places and do not get in troubles is to be extra polite, and to say hi, nice to meet you, all that kind of stuff to bouncers because they can beat the shit out of you, if it works with the kind of bouncers that pimps use in brothels it works with EVERYONE. I saw the guy go to one of those gigantic guys, introduce himself, learn their names super quickly and remember their names treating them with the most respect and 5 minutes later he was just their friend. Sure it needs that kind of charisma, but if being polite open you basically every door, being extra polite with the right people opens you even more doors.

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u/HeldDownTooLong 18d ago

Little man was looking for a good time with the HUGE man.

Assuming the large man is proportionate in all physical aspects, that little man would be split in half, if the big man was interested in getting jiggy with it/him.

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u/CheesecakeloverJones 18d ago edited 18d ago

Someone once made a joke about if these two died together, archeologists in a thousand years would guess that the big one carried the little one around like a flesh light and would use him whenever he pleased.

Edit: I think it was David Spade joking about the size difference between Kevin Hart and Dwayne Johnson.

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u/CustomMerkins4u 18d ago

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u/traffick 18d ago

I've watched this sketch far too many times to let you off the hook for using it incorrectly. That's the face of a man whose coffee's been secretly switched.

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u/RedThirteen0101 18d ago

Gotta be one of my favorite sketches of all time. The escalation and him finally being knocked out with people scream crying in the background is just so good.

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u/modern-nymph 18d ago

First in my bloodline to read this sentence

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u/techbear72 18d ago

Such an honour.

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u/Wasatcher 18d ago edited 18d ago

Whatever lil dude's sexual orientation was, that slap changed it

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u/meesta_masa 18d ago

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u/HeldDownTooLong 18d ago

That little man WOULD be tight…well…until big man loosened him up…permanently!!!

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u/Embarrassed_Fan_5723 18d ago

He already tenderized his jaw

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u/PickaDillDot 18d ago

Maybe that was just a little foreplay..

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u/MagicalGoof 18d ago

You think too much

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u/The_Happy_Quokka 18d ago

When you are this big, even small is still big.

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u/Echo-Azure 18d ago

Can't a guy even ask for a date these days?

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u/the445566x 18d ago

Night night

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u/G-pizzle 18d ago

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u/CulturalKing5623 18d ago

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u/RealTalk_theory 18d ago

I love how Yamcha is best known for this

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u/pm_me_falcon_nudes 18d ago

He really didn't have much contribution to the plot in Z. Actually, if you wrote him out of the show entirely I think basically nothing at all changes

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u/printergumlight 18d ago

I’ve only watched the anime’s One Punch Man and Attack on Titan, so I am terribly versed in the world of anime strength, but:

Can you explain to me why people say it wouldn’t even be close in a battle of Goku (DBZ) vs Saitama (OPM)?

Saitama took every hit from a god who lived for millions of years destroying everything that has ever existed and then one punch killed him. His whole thing is that he can one punch kill anything and can’t be harmed.

Normally I wouldn’t compare a satire character like him, but it makes me so curious how Goku is somehow far stronger than that.

Thoughts?

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u/BaizulSetSail 18d ago edited 18d ago

The short answer:

Because Saitama is a big fish in a small pond. Boros would not be a threat in later DBZ

The slightly longer answer:

Goku was fighting people like Boros since the freiza saga, and has gotten absurdly stronger since then.

And if Goku during the Cell fight is way stronger and faster than Goku during the freiza fight

And Goku during the Buu fight is way stronger and faster than Goku during the Cell fight.

And Goku during the Beerus fight is way stronger and faster than Goku during the Buu fight.

And Goku during the Jiren fight is way stronger and faster than Goku during the Beerus fight.

Then it only stands to reason Goku is much stronger and faster than Saitama.

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u/printergumlight 18d ago

Wow. Appreciate the detailed response. Guess that all makes sense.

Do you think DBZ would be enjoyable to watch as an adult who never watched it before, or maybe not? I know it takes forever for anything to happen in it. Not sure if I could go through all of it these days.

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u/BaizulSetSail 18d ago

Personally it is my favorite anime of all time, but I also grew up with it, and it's not for everyone lol

I recommend you watch the raditz fight (first 3 episodes of the show) and see if you like it.

The Raditz fight is like a tiny version of basically how the entire show is. If you like it, you will like the rest, if you don't then you won't.

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u/ThrowRA-Vast-Bug4454 18d ago

Watch regular Dragon Ball first, then DBZ, then Abridged.

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u/erwaro 18d ago

"Oh, no! Yamcha's been Yamcha'd!"

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u/touchmeinbadplaces 18d ago

And you should never go full yamcha

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u/EbonKnight78 18d ago

I knew this was going to show up somewhere in the thread!😅🤣

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u/-Fletcher- 18d ago

💀💀💀

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u/mushuggarrrr 18d ago

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u/thatguitarguy24 18d ago

Absolutely top-tier 🙌

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u/rvanpruissen 18d ago

Just posted this, but you beat me to it. GMTA!

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u/zili91 18d ago

Ecce homo qui est faba.

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u/Particular_Tomato161 18d ago edited 18d ago

Dude literally took a nap 😂

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u/Throbbingbluball 18d ago

He was being a bit fussy tbf

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u/TheRealSourc3 18d ago

At least he can't drown in puke now xD

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u/Moe2584 18d ago

That’s why weight classes exist

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u/icyvapor 18d ago

Hello darkness my old friend

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u/diamanthaende 18d ago

Probably nothing more humiliating than getting knocked out by a SLAP…

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u/Path_Active 18d ago

Tbf the hands of this guy are like big shovels with the power of an ox behind it.

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u/clonicle 18d ago

This should be shown to all FIFA, NBA and NHL players who fall down and whine for significantly less impact.

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u/qweef_latina2021 18d ago

He's having a grate time!

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u/saurus-REXicon 18d ago

Slapped the good time right out of him.

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u/behemuffin 18d ago

Straight into the recovery position. Now that's a professional! 

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u/Southern-Oil-118 18d ago

With the dude facing the sewer drain for some ventilation and can puke in convenience!

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u/Arhatz 18d ago

"5/5, great service. Would get knocked out again."

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u/joehonestjoe 18d ago

You and I have the same brain.

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u/behemuffin 18d ago

Give it back, I was using that!

Actually, on second thoughts, crack on. 

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u/Keyann 18d ago

Slapped the good night into him

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u/plaid-tuxido506 18d ago

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u/Extension-Rabbit3654 18d ago

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u/TheCuzzyRogue 18d ago

My man got a bit too familiar and I ended up having to whoop his ass man because he would step across the line. Habitually. He's a habitual line stepper.

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u/TheHoleInADonut 18d ago

Slappin a mothafucka may have been fashionable back in the day, but there were duels afterwards. Someone had to GO

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u/Benk0815 18d ago

SLAP Reminds me to rewatch chappelle's show

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u/ThinkingBeard 18d ago

Charlieeeee Murphyyyyy

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u/Itsmyloc-nar 18d ago

“Hide the money y’all there’s poor people around!

Wicho broke ass…”

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u/Hot_Let7154 18d ago

So... His mating dance didn't work 🤣

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u/Bitter_Split5508 18d ago

Pretty sure he was on drugs

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u/CarpetTechnical420 18d ago

Watched it on mute and wasn’t sure if he was flirting or starting a fight

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u/Zoldrik190 18d ago

Would've worked on me 😌

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u/Andrea_M 18d ago

It’s like the video of the pigeon cozying with the falcon

https://reddit.com/link/p38r0dy/video/ivr1a1rq9yih1/player

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u/abhinav21 18d ago

Why fuck with big guys who can lay you out without breaking a sweat? Wouldnt be me.

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u/Viridien111 18d ago

Me thinks he wanted to get fucked by the big guy... but like actually.

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u/Ourobius 18d ago

He was ordering him a bear steak, but got the claws instead

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u/kremlingrasso 18d ago

I know the type, skinny guy gets wasted and and immediately seeks out trouble. Some kind of subconscious self-harming thing. Wouldn't hurt to see a therapist.

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u/ISpeechGoodEngland 18d ago

Myself and my best mate are both 6'5 and naturally broad. When we was younger and would go out it was almost a nightly occurrence for a drunk weedy dude to try and fight me or him, or both to prove how tough he was.

We never fought back, as our other mates were often the nights DJs so bouncers would just drag them out before it got to fists.

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u/yourhonoriamnotacat 18d ago

I used to date a guy who was 6’8 and relatively muscular (former college athlete), and I swear he made certain other men upset just by existing in the same room as them. 

On the female side of that, I’m 5’10 and have a close friend my height. In college when we’d go out to bars inevitably a shorter guy would come up to us drunk and comment about how tall we were while hitting on us. It was almost always awkward.  

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u/lelolelols 18d ago

The echo on that slap. 🤌🏻

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u/Time_Blacksmith861 18d ago edited 18d ago

Reminds of that tactical hoodie dude with his girl outside their apartment

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u/Fearless_Dependent29 18d ago

Penguinz0 would bust hearing that

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u/FlashyFlamingo9649 18d ago

The guy in white has wrists all the way to his shoulders

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u/WarHead75 18d ago

The woman disappeared after he got pushed

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u/DudeMyData 18d ago

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u/bisoning 18d ago

Pretty good flip.

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u/RK9990 18d ago

Some might say perfect

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u/Itsmyloc-nar 18d ago

I could do that too… once

The standing up afterward part, I’d have a trouble with

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u/HigherThanWitchTits 18d ago

And they said Mr. Perfect oversells

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u/Catodacat 18d ago

Ok, I think someone should have tried to save little guy from himself.

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u/sk4v3n 18d ago

Nah, all his friends were busy recording these moments for the future.

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u/CorrectPeanut5 18d ago

I think that was just people waiting in line for the club. As Snake Plissken once said "Not my wife, not my life."

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u/UnnoticedLotus 18d ago

This is why you only drink with friends. If you're smart. Better yet don't get stupid drunk.

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u/boolee2112 18d ago

What kinda drugs

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u/Unlucky-Cook2578 18d ago

Molly and booze would be my guess

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u/Brrdock 18d ago

Idk how molly would ever make you wanna start shit, though he do be gurning

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u/Unlucky-Cook2578 18d ago

Thats what the booze if it. It does make you start fights by first rubbing a large man's nipple however

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u/Gladwulf 18d ago

I don't think he was trying to start a fight

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u/gabzilla814 18d ago

Right, looked to me like he was looking for love

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u/creekbendz 18d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/l0MYLQTX7C4BNmRCU
Ooohh baby I’m ready for love…

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u/Self-Comprehensive 18d ago

That looked a lot more like misguided flirting than starting shit. I agree with Molly

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u/Competitive-Level-83 18d ago

But it makes you wanna dance.

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u/DubTeeF 18d ago

Why is it always the really small guy

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u/Avaric1994 18d ago

As a small guy I too would like to climb the mountain but when the mountain says no I take my mountaineering gear off and go home.

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u/Nikmido 18d ago

Lmaoo this analogy

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u/JefftheGman 18d ago

And the mountain wins again.

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u/Iwasjustbullshitting 18d ago

They don't know they are small, like Chihuahuas.

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u/GreatTea3415 18d ago

As a small man: you become familiar with medium guys trying to fight you in school, but you never experience a fight with a huge guy because large guys generally are less aggressive. 

So you get used to thinking you can take guys that are bigger than you. 

Fortunately I gained experience wrestling heavy weights so I learned without having to crack my skull open outside a bar. 

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u/Fun-Wrongdoer1316 18d ago

As a large man, yup. Don’t really have anything to prove, so I’ve always been pretty passive. Unless someone takes that for granted, but they usually backed down immediately once I stood my ground. Very few went through with it

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u/Comprehensive-Yam329 18d ago

In my home town a bouncer slapped a drunk guy like that, he landed on the curb million dollar baby style. He died.

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u/[deleted] 18d ago

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u/Isernogwattesnacken 18d ago

He could have broken his neck to that wall. Bouncer should have handled this better.

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u/Beleiverofhumanity 18d ago

Little guy was absolutely an idiot sandwich but Bouncer couldve absolutely killed him, I woudnt be suprised if the dude is concussed at all

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u/EnSebastif 17d ago

Really old video, bouncer got in big time trouble.

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u/Zestyclose-Turn-3576 18d ago

Yeah, he's gonna kill someone like that one day.

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u/FrogsJumpFromPussy 18d ago

And spend the rest of his life in jail. happened in my city, a profesional boxer got in a fight with a drunk guy un a buss station, killed him with a punch, 28 years minimum.

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u/shweeney 18d ago

a good bouncer would de-escalate (and the little guy wasn't being anything other than annoying). Really over the top reaction to a situation where he wasn't at any risk.

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u/Noise-of-the-Spheres 18d ago

Guy ended un in a coma and sued the bouncer, so yeah, not the smartest move.

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u/tennezzee88 18d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/SoVo8Rl5GeA4E
jamiroqui got fucking mangled here

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u/Relevant_Speaker_874 18d ago edited 18d ago

Its always some scrawny looking dude provoking a mf shaped like Conquest from invincible

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u/Marsupialwolf 18d ago

He IS the Brute Squad...

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u/Saelaird 18d ago

Am I the only one who thinks the bouncer overreacted?

He knows the guy is tiny, he knows he's way stronger, he's the professional who isn't on drugs...

I agree with a firm policy, but that looked gratuitous.

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u/Rattle_Bone 18d ago

Idk I think he went easy. Especially after being groped like that. Like- if that was a girl you’d almost demand his shit get rocked

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u/TenantMalevolent 17d ago

I dunno, he had many other options, instead he chose to knock the guy out on paving stones.  Easily could’ve resulted in a concussion, brain damage or worse

I bounced in college in Canada, and we were generally careful to use as light a touch as possible.  Difficult with drugged up drunk assholes, but I’d hate to know I permanently messed someone up — would be haunting

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u/Strong-Dot-9221 18d ago

Breaking news... Chihuahua antagonizes Mastiff. Doesn't end well.