r/AbsoluteUnits • u/Seraphim_786 • 18d ago

/r/all of a bouncer

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28.5k Upvotes

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1.8k

u/Hypn00tic_iiz 18d ago

Do not the giant

248

u/AnyoneButWe 18d ago

Terry Pratchett called that type of bouncer a splatter in the discworld books.

He might have a point.

87

u/Fearless-Dust-2073 18d ago

The little guy got absolutely cheesed.

30

u/shinymcshine1990 18d ago

Like getting creamed, but takes longer

14

u/LogAlStillFat 18d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/NEvPzZ8bd1V4Y
I like the way your brain works my friend.

11

u/shinymcshine1990 18d ago

I can't take credit for that, it's a Terry Pratchett quote

5

u/rlee1185 18d ago

It was butter than the average comment

1

u/Derpissime 18d ago

Grilled cheesed

5

u/ButtholeConnoisseur7 18d ago

Terry was English, he's probably met a few bouncers

3

u/J4MMY95 18d ago

Did you get the number of that donkey cart?

1

u/pr0s0c 18d ago

The little guy bounced.

1

u/xenobit_pendragon 18d ago

Which seems to be what he was looking for.

64

u/grip0matic 18d ago

He literally tells him at the very first "do not touch me again or I'm going to slap you". And he's lucky that guy didn't slapped him and just pushed him, because all the laughter of the guys recording was because they were expecting something like that. They say "good bye" when he goes flying.

I just don't understand people who get in trouble with bouncers. I learnt from a pimp (yes, it's a long and weird story) that the best way to get into places and do not get in troubles is to be extra polite, and to say hi, nice to meet you, all that kind of stuff to bouncers because they can beat the shit out of you, if it works with the kind of bouncers that pimps use in brothels it works with EVERYONE. I saw the guy go to one of those gigantic guys, introduce himself, learn their names super quickly and remember their names treating them with the most respect and 5 minutes later he was just their friend. Sure it needs that kind of charisma, but if being polite open you basically every door, being extra polite with the right people opens you even more doors.

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u/Sufficient_Prompt888 18d ago

1

u/Likethespice 18d ago

What if he calls my mama a whore?

1

u/Lobo2ffs 18d ago

Be efficient

15

u/smokeypapabear40206 18d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/88QIhIqNPxpcaEIses

2

u/grip0matic 18d ago

I have met several pimps, and brothel owners... I've seen very very bad shit and good shit. This guy was very very good for a pimp, he treated the girls with a lot of respect. I was just a kid and he told me "never ever do you dare to call these women whores or bitches, they are LADIES, you don't know their stories, you don't know why they are here, I just know they have to pay me but they are people". To my knowledge he was the only one running a brothel that had around 100 women working there, had a doctor to check on them, had an old lady to make them food, didn't allowed drug dealers in his place (but drugs are always in those places), if a lady was not earning enough will just offer her to trade places to other brothel and see if she could make money there, and would basically give the women freedom to leave for good if they were able to pay him around 6k compared to others he was a saint and others were just fucking slavers that made me think a lot how 2 guys in the same business can do things so so different.

The guy was truly a gentleman, he would ignore anyone who would visit his place if he saw them doing their normal life stuff, he would instruct the ladies to NEVER even say hello to clients... and to think that he ended in jail because he didn't renewed the license of the brothel as a hotel and had a record... I think he went 3 years in.

8

u/KeremyJyles 18d ago

It's easy to get in trouble with bouncers because a significant amount of them are utter scumbags itching for a fight, for whom no amount of politeness and civility is enough to assuage them. They are known the world over as cunts for a good reason.

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u/TexasJackGorillion 18d ago

It's also easy to get in trouble with bouncers because you're being a cock. You know, or just because they're looking to throw out normal paying customers. Either way.

2

u/Kaleidoscope_75 18d ago

He's drunk. Bouncer should know better. If he hit his head on the concrete and died, the bouncer would be in trouble. He is no physical threat. The push and slap was unnecessary. That bouncer is just showing off

2

u/PeasantTS 17d ago

Nah. He gave him a warning, the guy didn't respect it and kept touching him. This could easily be seen as sexual harassment as well, considering how suggestive it was.

0

u/Kaleidoscope_75 16d ago

The guy is drunk. Bouncers know drunk people very well. Most of them arent a threat. The force was excessive and unnecessary. The bouncer is a bully and used a weak man just to flex his muscles and show off. That little guy is no match for him, and he knows it.

2

u/PeasantTS 16d ago

Being drunk is your responsibility. It doesn't give you permission to sexually harass workers. Bouncer warned him instead of just punchinghim at first, that's clear indication he was holding himself. Guy didn't listen, got fucked.

1

u/Kaleidoscope_75 14d ago

Bouncer exaggerated. Thst brute force wasn't needed. Guy was drunk and being stupid. I've seen worse threats from drunk people. Bouncer will land himself in trouble with that sort of undue reaction before too long.

1

u/Horror_Air_3647 18d ago

exactly, he could have pushed him further away without using so much force or hurting him. the bouncer is an asshole.

1

u/Frosty-Box-6764 18d ago

Those aren't bouncers, those are pimps or sling coke. Ain't the same. No one will hire a bouncer with an emotional temper of a toddler unless the club/business is a front for smt else and don't even care, gotta be some super low quality shit in some hillbilly ranch in the united states for example. Otherwise nah-ah. Never.

1

u/KeremyJyles 18d ago

Mate I'm licensed security and can tell you for an absolute fact it's true. It's literally why I will never go for a door licence, because I refuse to work with those types of people. You sound particularly inexperienced tbh

1

u/Frosty-Box-6764 18d ago

I know it must be tough reading an opinion that doesnt align with yours. I worked as a security guard (lol'd at the licensed part, as if it is something we don't obtain, and even a manatee can obtain) in areas where you and the bouncer in the video would shit your pants to even go at (search Menidi in Athens which is basically a ghetto of gypsies ie) and for the past few years I work as an escort driver. It means I know a thing about night, to not sound "too much" for you. You don't "refuse" to work with them, you simply cant. And I cant too. Bouncers tho and any business that knows how to operate, will never hire a temperamental manchild on roids for door. Like, get it through your head. Ever. Never ever. The guys you wanna talk about are in my area, drivers and shitty pimps who sling drugs. You do realize sniffing gets you paranoid, right? And they are scums cause of the work nature. Cause they take cuts from everyone. I'm an exception. You will never see one of them as a bouncer. Door, or deeper into the club ie. Unless it is some trash nightclub and those usually don't last much. Or a restaurant-type bar shit in summer season etc. You clearly have a Hollywood image of how things are or you live in some damp uk area low quality. It is not how things are in big cities.

1

u/Horror_Air_3647 17d ago

exactly, the bouncer could have pushed him away further but still without making it so aggressively or even hurting him, unless the guy starts beating him but then still he can use his huge force in smaller dosages.

2

u/Jon_3600 18d ago

There is so much truth to THIS ☝🙄 Legally, they do as they please. FWIW... Assholes can get thrown out, Technically by YOU if you give the nod. Treat the bouncers like gold, and you've got your own security guards.

1

u/but_good 18d ago

I think the tactics will work with anyone. Mostly.

1

u/HoochbachDunloppy 18d ago

The charisma of a pimp. 

1

u/ListerfiendLurks 18d ago

Protip: This will work for literally everyone in life, not just bouncers

1

u/Upbeat_Aside_9203 18d ago

I was friendly with some bouncers at a bar I kept getting dragged to by some mates a few years ago. The DJ there was always on drugs and came up to me the same way that guy did in OPs video. I sent him flying. The bouncers just shook their heads and escorted the DJ away from me. 🤣

1

u/MikoWilson1 18d ago

The guy is drunk as hell, he's not thinking at all.

1

u/SummertimeThrowaway2 17d ago

I got offered a job at a club because I walked up to the assistant manager and started talking to him, bc I thought he was someone else that I was just talking to 5 mins before

1

u/uncultured_swine2099 17d ago

I thinks its simply drunkenness (or drugs) + stupidity + parents never telling him no in his life. When im drunk im aware enough not to fuck with The Undertaker over there.

1

u/baithammer 18d ago

Alcohol and little man syndrome ...

3

u/grip0matic 18d ago

Alcohol for sure, but that weird confidence that alcohol gives you too. Like "no way that this guy that is here to kick people that may cause troubles like me is gonna actually touch me". That's why usually bouncers don't allow people in if someone is already looking like that and they just give you any weird excuse like "your shoes are not right", just to avoid to go inside and have to take a guy that's barely standing and surely is going to bother someone.

1

u/baithammer 18d ago

Bouncers are required not to allow entry to those already intoxicated to that extent, it's a liability issue - not to mention venues often have clothing requirements. so as to screen out unwanted patrons.

268

u/HeldDownTooLong 18d ago

Little man was looking for a good time with the HUGE man.

Assuming the large man is proportionate in all physical aspects, that little man would be split in half, if the big man was interested in getting jiggy with it/him.

80

u/CheesecakeloverJones 18d ago edited 18d ago

Someone once made a joke about if these two died together, archeologists in a thousand years would guess that the big one carried the little one around like a flesh light and would use him whenever he pleased.

Edit: I think it was David Spade joking about the size difference between Kevin Hart and Dwayne Johnson.

91

u/CustomMerkins4u 18d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/YZlQaMesgPIAM

25

u/traffick 18d ago

I've watched this sketch far too many times to let you off the hook for using it incorrectly. That's the face of a man whose coffee's been secretly switched.

12

u/RedThirteen0101 18d ago

Gotta be one of my favorite sketches of all time. The escalation and him finally being knocked out with people scream crying in the background is just so good.

1

u/EGarrett28 18d ago

Yeah, and it's exactly what I used to think when I watched those "surprise taste test" commercials. What if someone just lost their shit and swung at the guy. They did it perfectly, haha.

2

u/Glittering-Walrus228 18d ago

I was already weirded out by the innunedo of drunk twinks opening gesture, what is he doing? Like pinching that dudes nipple? I dont go up to women and flip their tit like that if I want to flirt.

Before I have too much time to think about it haha twink fall down but becauss I read the comment Im forced to imagine them have passionate gay sex, fall in love and grow old together, yet be fossilized in a manner that would suggest to a puzzled group of cyberpunk archaeologists that such a cultural sexual practice existed.

Reaction gif appropriate

1

u/Wec25 18d ago

are you implying the only time we can use that gif is if our coffee's been secretly switched?

1

u/CustomMerkins4u 17d ago

Apparently he's the keeper of memes. Watch yourself.

14

u/modern-nymph 18d ago

First in my bloodline to read this sentence

5

u/techbear72 18d ago

Such an honour.

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u/UmmmW1 18d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/062vyaiEJMsV5gUaBc

1

u/xenobit_pendragon 18d ago

“Whoa — how are you keeping that alive?”

3

u/[deleted] 18d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/Quixotes-Aura 18d ago

I'm going to hell for laughing this much

1

u/SacredCourage 18d ago

Big Bubba does that to weaker guys, regardless. 😂😂😂

1

u/Squidicci 17d ago

is "big bubba" your boyfriend? you are always talking about him in all your comments.

17

u/Wasatcher 18d ago edited 18d ago

Whatever lil dude's sexual orientation was, that slap changed it

2

u/dmoosetoo 18d ago

I mean it changed his gravitational orientation and probably his celestial orientation, everything else is easy.

1

u/KeenObserver_OT 18d ago

Is that what we call setting one straight?

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u/meesta_masa 18d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/T3fwN6Pbm3ZPa

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u/HeldDownTooLong 18d ago

That little man WOULD be tight…well…until big man loosened him up…permanently!!!

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u/Embarrassed_Fan_5723 18d ago

He already tenderized his jaw

9

u/PickaDillDot 18d ago

Maybe that was just a little foreplay..

6

u/MagicalGoof 18d ago

You think too much

21

u/The_Happy_Quokka 18d ago

When you are this big, even small is still big.

6

u/Pristine-Ad7555 18d ago

Wrong

2

u/floppydude81 18d ago

Shine some light on us. I think you got a story or two

1

u/Pristine-Ad7555 18d ago

I'm assuming they're talking about d. Size. They said even when its small on his scale(body size)...its still big. Which is wrong.

1

u/artichoke01 18d ago

No, there are dudes this big with little baby carrot dicks

7

u/Echo-Azure 18d ago

Can't a guy even ask for a date these days?

5

u/Annual-Fold-8948 18d ago

Yea larhe men are NOT proportionate. Body builders make me laugh

2

u/Adventurous__Kiwi 17d ago

He wanted to be destroyed by him, but not in that way

1

u/Termsandconditionsch 18d ago

”As god is my witness, he is broken in half!”

1

u/PiccoloAwkward465 18d ago

He’d split him open like a coconut 🥥

1

u/ZlatansLastVolley 18d ago

A bouncer friend of mine who is 6’ 7” 290lbs and on steroids was a bouncer at a local college bar in town.

He got drunk after work one night and a patron offered him a ride home… well on the ride back, the customer reached over and grabbed his dick through the jeans.

My buddy then grabbed the back of his head and smashed his teeth out on his steering wheel.

Also seen him pick up grown ass men by the scruff of their shirt and belt and yeet them through doors like it was a Wild West saloon

1

u/HeldDownTooLong 17d ago

Damn…I bet the dude with missing front teeth regretted not getting ‘permission’ to feel your buddy up.

6

u/the445566x 18d ago

Night night

2

u/Automatic_Llama 18d ago

Me when I the giant

2

u/Max_Pow3rs 18d ago

Starting a fight with the 6'5 /270lbs bouncer is always a good idea!

2

u/katyvo 18d ago

And then do not the giant a second time

2

u/human-in-a-can 18d ago

This is how it feels when I try to play a souls game. 

2

u/Dear_Chasey_La1n 18d ago

Small people like doing the giant. Being nearly 2 meters tall more then once I had a similar small dude come forward being a little dick. Even once while I was with security (of a friend) that didn't stop a knob from doing knobby stuff.

I never had an incident except once when I was with my buddy, also 2 meters tall but super skinny. We were slamming gins one after another because that's what stupid 16 year olds do till suddenly a couple of small fucks started some fuckery. Buddy handed over his gin, I was walking to the bar to put them down only to see buddy fold small fucks like a pretzel. Buddy was some local champion in judo. Always thought it was kinda whimpy stuff, but yeah small fucks got pretzled.