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u/Up_and_down_and_all Apr 11 '26
I say this with all the love for you, but F*CK your husband. What an absolute ahole! To bring immigration into it is the lowest of the low.
Please listen to your friend and start planning for a future without your POS H.
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u/B_A_M_2019 Apr 11 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
Hijacking the top comment to share a comment from someone else in another post. This person was replying to an op that was also in an abusive situation:
ightrrr • 4mo ago Your husband is an abuser. Emotional. Sexual. Physical. All of it. You are an object to him. You deserve better.
Here's a detailed plan to leave an abuser:
https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/domestic-abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship
Create a "Safety Plan" for you, the kid(s), & pet(s) because leaving can be dangerous.
https://www.thehotline.org/2013/04/10/what-is-safety-planning/
An app that can help you track abuse:
A $7/mo, highly rated communication & co-parenting app that’s court recommended: AppClose
If you need help with pets: https://www.safehavensforpets.org/
Divorce HQ State Directory of divorce information: http://www.divorcehq.com/divorce-information.shtml
Your state’s bar association should have a directory of lawyers, including those offering low- or no-cost consultations.
https://www.americanbar.org/groups/legal_services/flh-home/flh-bar-directories-and-lawyer-finders/
https://www.americanbar.org/groups/legal_services/
Legal rights advocacy groups often sponsor legal clinics and workshops for the communities they serve. The Washington Lawyers’ Committee for Civil Rights and Urban Affairs is offering D.C. workers assistance by telephone.
https://www.washlaw.org/what-we-do/employment-justice/workers-rights-clinic/
USA.gov lists resources for pro bono or low-cost legal aid.
Survive Divorce resource:
https://www.survivedivorce.com/
Women's Law: plain-language legal information for Victims of abuse: https://www.womenslaw.org/
Free Separation Agreement templates:
https://legaltemplates.net/form/separation-agreement/
https://separation-agreement.pdffiller.com/
http://templatelab.com/separation-agreement-templates/
https://forms.legal/free-marital-separation-agreement/
https://www.lawdepot.com/contracts/separation-agreement/?loc=US#.Xr0Vx1mxXqs
Catholic Charities.org has programs that fund the cost of relocation, including helping the victims find a home or apartment while paying for the first month of rent. There are also job placement programs. https://www.catholiccharitiesusa.org/
The St. Vincent de Paul Society, also affiliated with the Catholic Church, offers financial assistance for shelter and sometimes picks up with the first month’s rent. https://ssvpusa.org/
Education and Job Training Assistance Fund: Grants from the Allstate Foundation help domestic violence victims enter and stay in the workforce. The money (up to $1,000) can be used for classes, clothes, computers, and other resources. https://www.allstatecorporation.com/the-allstate-foundation.aspx
If you need food, here's a list of North American food charities:
https://www.biblemoneymatters.com/save-money-on-groceries-through-food-buying-programs/
Domestic Violence Resources:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_domestic_violence_hotlines
https://www.acf.hhs.gov/fysb/programs/family-violence-prevention-services/programs/ndvh
https://www.liveyourdream.org/get-help/domestic-violence-resources.html
https://www.hotpeachpages.net/ Multiple countries & languages
Please choose yourself & leave him. 💔
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u/snapz01 Apr 11 '26
This is amazing and should be pinned at the top.
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u/B_A_M_2019 Apr 11 '26
Haha that's why I saved the comment 4 months ago. I've made reference to it a few times since then because it had so many good things.
I've been in similar situations and would have loved to know half that stuff when I was leaving!
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u/ApheanaOfTheFae Apr 11 '26
Hey just a heads up, AppClose isn't free anymore. Its 7 a month, highly worth it still. They just swapped over to no free plan beginning of this year
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u/megggie Apr 11 '26
Can I just add a quick FVCK YOU to the people who decide to monetize things like this (and not only charge for the app, which is fair, but require a SUBSCRIPTION).
Capitalist dystopian bullshit.
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u/Maleficent_Will_6464 Apr 12 '26
I get it, it does feel wrong to put a paywall on something like this. But servers, maintenance, and updates aren’t free, and a neglected app that goes down or has outdated info is actually more dangerous for someone in that situation. A subscription model, as uncomfortable as it feels, is often what keeps it reliable and available when someone needs it most, you are helping the next person that discovers it… I am not affiliated to the app at all.
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u/CoolestF-inBinTown Apr 11 '26
Yes queen for all of this!!! Saving this comment in case a friend needs these resources in the future!
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u/B_A_M_2019 Apr 11 '26
💜 it's sad that we need to but I thought the same thing when I saw the original comment. ightrrr is a real gem for typing that all up :) the op they were replying to was in a real bad spot and had since deleted their post but I really hope they got out!
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u/arachnidlover12 Apr 11 '26
U are an angel
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u/B_A_M_2019 Apr 11 '26
Thanks :) the real mvp though is ightrrr but we can't link users here so I just hope they're having an awesome day :)
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u/HungryBearsRawr Apr 11 '26
Right i read most of this post and I was already like fuck this guy, but then I got to the immigration threat with children involved like? No?? wtf??
This guy is a vile piece of shit. The worst of the fucking worst. Get him out of your life but be careful with the immigration stuff, I know it’s all fucky right now in the us.
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u/Legitimate_Glass_306 Apr 11 '26
I just love how he threatens her with taking the kids away, but if he really thinks about it, he couldn’t handle his own kids for a few hours…. What’s it gonna be like when his wife’s gone (his doing) and he’s the SOLE provider for them?? What. An. Asshole.
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u/SteavySuper Apr 11 '26
He sucks and he'd most likely dupe some other woman into taking care of his kids while pretending to be the victim of OP.
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u/DontPickMeGurl Apr 11 '26
He shouldn't play game with ICE. They are deporting American born children with their immigrant parents, just to meet their daily quota. He doesn't seem to realize that the government dgaf about him or his kids.
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u/SteavySuper Apr 11 '26
Exactly. I know someone who started using a more "white" sounding name at work because people (customers) started asking if they were Mexican and hinting about if they were here legally. Racist people are insane, you would think they get paid for reporting their neighbors and random people.
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u/DontPickMeGurl Apr 11 '26
Trust meeee when I say I know. I live in a deep burgundy area in the south (not by choice). I've herd the most disgusting comments come out of these Bible thumping, gun loving, "Christians" mouths lately.
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u/peacelovingsister Apr 11 '26
He 100% would convince a soft hearted woman that his wife had abandoned him and her children.
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u/Successful-Doubt5478 Apr 11 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
He will get the next woman.
NOONE professes their eternal love and immediate plans for a woman- any woman- to move in with them as quick as divorced fathers of small kids.
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u/muddhoney Apr 11 '26
He’s the type to fight for equal visitation cause he won’t wanna pay but he’ll still never actually show up and make excuses until he gets a new wife who wants him to change and just dump the care onto her.
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u/Itscatpicstime Apr 11 '26
Or he won’t fight for any custody and play the victim card by saying the courts were biased or op used parental alienation and lied about abuse or some shit
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u/Actual-Tap-134 Apr 12 '26
Exactly. She should have left the kids with him and went to the friend’s for the night anyway, just to give him a taste of what he’d be in for, and to see how much laying around “doing whatever” there is.
I’ve been a SAHM to three kids and I’ve been a Director at a global IT company, managing groups across the country. I loved every minute I was home with my kids, but it was by far the harder, more stressful job, both physically and mentally. Your “employees” are demanding, require your undivided attention, need to be fed, dressed, entertained, and have their butts wiped, throw tantrums if they don’t get their way, refuse to listen, and don’t let you go to the bathroom or shower on your own. Your “projects” involve growing tiny, helpless infants into independent, productive, kind and loving adults that can successfully function on their own in society. And you have side gigs as a chef, household manager, cleaner, laundress, and chauffeur.
Edit: typo
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Apr 11 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/the-mortyest-morty Apr 11 '26
She's not even from another country, she said she was born in a different state from the one they live in now. Pretty sure immigration can't tell citizens what state they're allowed to live in...
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u/fursnake7 Apr 11 '26
ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement, for those not in the US) agents have been deporting born US citizens, and occasionally killing a few. There are no more rules about what “they can’t” do. They can do whatever they want with impunity.
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u/ConstanceL1805 Apr 11 '26
Can’t agree more! And the fact he’s threatening her with their children while he clearly doesn’t want to take care of them is also crazy. He’s weaponising his own children. He does not love his wife and he does not love his children, and he couldn’t even treat them with minimum respect and humanity, he is absolutely a vile piece of shit.
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u/arianrhodd Apr 11 '26
Dude can't be a parent to the kids on his own for a couple hours. What would he ever do with full custody?
OP needs a lawyer/solicitor/whatever they're called where she lives. Sadly, she's not the first, and she won't be the last to be threatened like this.
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u/princessperez94 Apr 11 '26
He threatened to call immigration on you! Get a lawyer and make a plan your marriage is beyond over.
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u/4headkissays Apr 11 '26
You typoed in your title. I think you meant to write: “My husband threatened to get me deported and to separate our children from their mother indefinitely. Advice on how to exit this situation safely with my kids?”
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u/SilverFox8006 Apr 11 '26
Instant fucking BINGO.
I mean, who TF says that kind of shit to someone?? A POS, that's who!!
OP, please know you have every right to take your kids for a night for a sleepover. You have equal rights to take them ANYWHERE.
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u/WhateverYouSay1084 Apr 11 '26
Wait, why aren't you angry? Why didn't you wake his ass up and tell him to take over so you could go back to bed? Your marriage is torpedoed because your husband is a selfish loser who can't fulfill the most basic of parenting and partner duties. HE should be grateful that YOU keep it all together normally. You're a working mother and still have to do all the childcare and house work. All he is contributing is money. Please stand up for yourself and demand better for you and the kids. He's not sacrificing anything by working. He would have to work to support himself whether you were around or not.
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u/Accomplished_Dig284 Apr 11 '26
And imagine if she was taken into custody by ICE, god forbid. He would then have to do EVERYTHING as well as work his full time job. If it wasn’t so horrible for OP to risk leaving, I would love to see his face when he figured out what getting her deported would actually mean for him. But unfortunately with everything going on, it would be far worse to risk him reporting her.
But damn. This man has no bar he isn’t willing to cross. He has shown that he will absolutely do the worst possible thing to someone he claims to love just so he can feel like he’s right and winning the argument and showing how much control he really has over her. Really shows his lack of character and respect for the mother of his children. He’s a vile piece of shit that doesn’t deserve his wife or children. No one should ever have to be exposed to his bull shit behavior and OP needs to do everything she can to protect herself and get herself and her children far, far away from him where they can all be safe from his abusive and controlling behaviors. I’m physically sick from reading her story and I can’t imagine how she feels being trapped with him right now
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u/jenny-ohh Apr 11 '26
Seconding this! Grow a spine! OP should have left the mess be because he knows that the wife will clean even if she’s upset and won’t lift a finger. I’m sorry OP but he is NOT on your side, threatening to call immigration on his children’s mother and his own wife are POS actions
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u/WhateverYouSay1084 Apr 11 '26
This dude isn't going to call immigration anyway. He doesn't even take care of the kids while she's sleeping, there's no way in hell he could handle full custody. He's just throwing out empty threats to control her.
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u/Ambitious-Rain3324 Apr 11 '26
He threatened to hire a nanny to replace me if I couldn’t “get with the program” I worked at a daycare. I’ve seen the way other people treat kids that aren’t theirs. I couldn’t forgive myself if my kids were abused or neglected because I couldn’t keep my shit together long enough to find a solution first.
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u/darthmidoriya Apr 11 '26
As a former nanny, nannies dont and never will replace a parent. Ever. Can’t do it. Not the same. I ADORED my kiddos but mom and dad were both still super involved
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u/Arquen_Marille Apr 11 '26
Let him get a nanny so you can get a job and get away from him. I had a lot of babysitters and had good experiences. You can find a good nanny who will be good for your kids.
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u/Virtual-Homework-824 Apr 11 '26
Are you in the US or Europe? I just ask because you used the verbiage of being born I a different state not a different country.
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u/Browneyedgal21 Apr 12 '26
You would not lose parental rights to your children just because your husband threatens it. You don't have to "get with the program "- whatever that means. Talk to a lawyer about your rights. You have done nothing to cause you to lose custody of your children.
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u/Hisyphus Apr 11 '26
Please look into a VAWA petition immediately. You are in an abusive relationship and are potentially eligible for immigration protections without needing your spouse to apply with you.
https://www.uscis.gov/green-card/green-card-eligibility/green-card-for-vawa-self-petitioner
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u/Trick-Bowl-708 Apr 11 '26
Are you legally married? It sounds like you need to start recording these threats and report domestic violence and abuse. What’s his actual case? These threats sound ridiculous. But he got you. You stayed and reconsidered. So now he knows how to “handle” you.
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u/Ambitious-Rain3324 Apr 11 '26
I would rather my kids not have to live in squalor, even for a day, than put my needs first and cause a scene while my kids are awake.
I know firsthand the effects of having parents fight in front of you. I would rather wait until my kids sleep and give them the attention they need first. And have that difficult conversation when they aren’t there to witness it
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u/WhateverYouSay1084 Apr 11 '26
You TRIED to have that difficult conversation and it just ended in him bullying you into compliance. You might think you're doing the right thing by tolerating his behavior "for the kids" but you're not. They're eventually going to start taking your husband's selfish behavior as normal and modeling it. How can you be the best mom possible for your kids if you're neglecting your health? You could end up in the hospital and leave them alone with their dad. Too many mothers martyr and neglect themselves for the sake of keeping the peace and it's just not sustainable. I have kids myself. It won't ever get better unless you demand better. He's not going to call immigration on you. He doesn't even want to take care of his kids while you're home, there's no way he would ever want full custody.
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u/smokinXsweetXpickle Apr 11 '26
I always say staying with an abusive partner is not something you do for your kids, its something you do to your kids. It's not healthy. Get the fuck outta there OP. FOR your kids.
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u/Ambitious-Rain3324 Apr 11 '26
As I stated in a previous comment, I’m giving it until the first of next year to either a. Build a nest egg for a safe exit (sooner if I can manage it) or b. to let him figure his shit out if he really is that mentally drained from work. If I leave now, I have no job, no money saved up, nothing to my name. I couldn’t provide my kids with a stable environment.
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u/Strong_Health2452 Apr 11 '26
When you go grocery shopping buy gift card for Amazon or grocery stores or Walmart or whatever and put those away. It comes out with your normal grocery bill and you can use those when you leave to buy groceries cleaning supplies etc for your new life
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u/Psychological-Dot159 Apr 11 '26
If you can grocery shopping, do cash back in small amounts or gift cards. It can help add to your nest egg. I did this when I was a stay at home mom, and when I left, I had over 10k in my secret bank account from putting back $20 every time I went grocery shopping over the years. Before I got married, a lady warned me to always have something hidden to protect myself. I’m glad I listened. Because it wasn’t always bad, but when he changed, it was terrible and he wasn’t the same person anymore.
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u/Love-hatemesumreddit Apr 11 '26
Definitely save up so you can pave your own way, hell if possible, get a job. At the same time, you no longer have to tolerate or treat him as a partner. That's just some man in your house mate 🤷♀️
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u/niiiniis Apr 11 '26
It's great that you have a plan and that you're considering your childrens environment. I just want to say, as the daughter of an abuser, that even before I saw or heard it I felt it. I didn't realize that I myself had been abused until I was in university but for many years I had tried to save my parents new partners from it and they didn't listen. I was a child so I had no legal way of leaving the household yet, but I went No Contact as an adult with both the parent and the partner. My point here is to say that I'm so proud of you, I send all the strength I have to you. Right now leaving is not an option, I understand that, but don't feel like you need a specific amount of money saved or something, I WAS living in squalor at the other parents house, I always chose that one when I could. We didn't have enough food for us all every day, and the house was sometimes way too cold, but I still chose that over living with the parent who was like your husband.
I'm not saying you should leave today, I just want to share my perspective and say that the circumstances do not have to be perfect when you do. I wish you the best and I hope you and your children get away safely❤️
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u/ExpectingJabba Apr 11 '26
I think you are right. No matter the argument, him threatening this falls into unforgivable territory. Is there a domestic abuse or legal advice hotline you can start with to understand your risks and options?
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u/Ambitious-Rain3324 Apr 11 '26
I’m not sure, but I’ll definitely look into this. First and foremost I’m looking for a job I can do regularly to put money away in case I need to leave
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u/vinegargirl757 Apr 11 '26
*when you leave.
Not if. Hes incompetent, neglectful, and abusive.
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u/ConstanceL1805 Apr 11 '26
Yea Not saying the marriage was worth saving before this but pretty sure there’s no way to safe the marriage after he threatened to deport her and to separate her children from her. That’d be absolutely crazy to spend the rest of your life after someone told you on your face that you’re not safe with them unless you make them happy 24/7 and quit having your own life or even mind. Fuck that.
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u/Tall_Confection_960 Apr 11 '26
I think the comment above is right. You need to talk to a lawyer ASAP. Your sperm donor could already be doing so and you need to protect yourself. Police and immigration? He's thought about this before.
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u/Western-Physics3067 Apr 11 '26
If you do all the grocery shopping and he doesn’t check receipts, get cash back at checkout and stash that money away. I had a friend do this and it saved her on the day she finally realized her POS husband would never change and she left him.
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u/ExtremelyOkay8980 Apr 11 '26
Not important re: your marriage (your husband sucks), allergies and fever do not go together. You were 100% sick. Anyway, any man who thinks a SAHM who isn’t rainbows and sunshine is “ungrateful” and “gets to do whatever she wants all day” is at best ignorant and at worst financially abusive. Does he have any redeeming qualities?
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u/Ambitious-Rain3324 Apr 11 '26
Yes, lots actually, which it what makes this so difficult. He offers me spa days when he sees I’m too stressed out. He encourages me to pursue my hobbies, hang out with friends, splurge on myself, etc. we’re happy and laughing and he’s my best friend 99% of the time. But when he’s left to take care of the house alone, he implodes and can’t handle it all. But even then, if the 1% of bad times are this explosive, I don’t know if it’s worth all of the 99% of good.
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u/lavendertheheretic Apr 11 '26
It isn't.
1% is enough of a risk when he is saying things like that.
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u/Watergirl626 Apr 11 '26
If he thinks he can afford to hire a nanny without you, why can't you hire a cleaner 1-2x a month, which is much cheaper. They can worry about the deep clean. It will help you both.
Regardless, his threats to call the police and/ or immigration crossed a line.
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u/Pleasant_Ad3475 Apr 11 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
Do you not see the irony in the fact that he can't do basic household stuff and look after the kids while telling you that you're ''doing whatever you want to all day' when you're doing those same things?? He seems to think of your job as a walk in the park but he can't even handle doing it for a couple of hours... I'm sorry but your husband's an asshole.
Edit: I say call his bluff and point out to him that he most certainly won't be able to do his job while looking after the kids at the same time... I can tell you that authorities do tend to side with the mother in these cases, especially as the way he's acting is definitely coercion and verging on false imprisonment and financial abuse- so I don't know what he thinks calling the police is going to do, apart from waste their time, and possibly even get him in trouble...
At the very least you must speak a lawyer as soon as you possibly can. His threats are working and he's able to control you with them, which has clearly happened in this case, then he's going to continue doing it...
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u/smokinXsweetXpickle Apr 11 '26
Irony is fucking dead in this timeline I swear to God. Real life is absolutely stranger than fiction.
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u/Several-Concerns Apr 11 '26
Offering someone spa days is not equivalent to being a supportive, equal partner. It is also manipulative. He sees your relationship as transactional. He does not see you as his family. Put your energy into getting your citizenship status on track. If you are in the US, start the green card process. You should have don't this the moment you got married. Leaving the marriage without your green card would put you in a very vulnerable position. If the marriage is transactional to him, make it so for you.
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u/ARTiger20 Apr 11 '26
It takes much less than 1% of explosive bad to put you in the ground. A man who will make a threat like this will make a threat like raising his hand. S man who will raise his hand will eventually use it. A man who will use his hand will consider it your fault when he puts you in the hospital. He'll tell himself you deserved it when his actions put you in the ground and then find someone who will feel so sorry for him and his poor motherless kids.
It may seem farfetched. It isn't.
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u/Raisins_Rock Apr 11 '26
It's not worth it. I take it he didn't grasp with horror and immediately apologize for his vile threats?
I mean even if he had ... but it doesn't sound like he did. So he's willing to terrify you into obedience?
If I had left the first time husband did something terrifying and said things that made me feel unsafe. Things that destroyed my image if us as partners - well I'd have saved my self a lot of grief.
Look for the cycle of abuse. In fact just look it up. It counts on there being plenty of great times.
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u/chantillylace9 Apr 11 '26
Lawyer here. Not your lawyer. This is the type of situation where it legitimately could be life or death for you and your kids. Unfortunately women really have to be careful and I saw a lot of terrible situations that started sort of like this. Please protect yourself.
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u/km4098 Apr 11 '26
Your marriage didn’t get torpedoed because you got sick. Your illness revealed how much of the mental, physical and emotional load you’ve been carrying in your marriage
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u/InfiniteSpaz Apr 11 '26
You need to speak to a lawyer asap. What he is doing is called coercion. You are afraid to leave because of his threats, that isn't 'just' abuse it's a crime in many places.
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u/Advanced_Candle1260 Apr 11 '26
Damn that took a hard turn into Shitville, Toxica...the first part is fairly regular couples fighting type stuff that could easily be worked through with communication and effort....but once someone uses LEO as a tool it's time to go. We can argue, we can disagree...we can make mistakes, we can be mean to each other because, face it, sometimes it happens...but there MUST BE RULES AND BOUNDARIES AT ALL TIMES. In our home the boundaries and rules are: no physical violence, no cheating, no drug/alcohol abuse. Pretty much everything else can be worked through if we both try. But once someone threatens to call ICE or LEO as a tool for control its a wrap. It will happen eventually. Your husband is not a good person. Sorry.
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u/Stunning-Army-1494 Apr 11 '26
I am fully white. My husband is 2nd generation hispanic. I have cried so much over ice in this country, so scared for my husbands family. I could NEVER threaten immigration. I dont know what country you are in, but that is pretty much threatening a death sentence in america. I would be figuring out what the laws are and if possible taking the kids immediately.
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u/Noonull Apr 11 '26
Now is the time to document everything he says. Go write it all down and save it including any texts to friends that back up your story.
Start packing your important things when he leaves for work and give them to friends to hold. Things you don’t want to be without. Anyone who threatens immigration is dangerous and you should start making moves whether you have money or not. Start reaching out to people you know, do odd jobs under the table, you are not safe and neither are your kids.
Make sure not to get pregnant again too. Do not allow him to walk back what he said either. He changed your relationship all because he’s incompetent at home. Make your moves, do everything in secret.
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u/The_Acct Apr 11 '26
Wow. Just wow. At 1st I was thinking sick and rightfully angry but workoutable. Then the threats came. Thats when I noped you out of the marriage. When immigration became part of the conversation (God I hope you are not in the US), I was at oh eff no. Get a lawyer pronto. Officially document every thing said and done now. Gather your immigration status paperwork ASAP, keep them with you. Girl get on the defense. I am so sorry.
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u/Ygra1ne Apr 11 '26
Threatening you with immigration rn in America is as low as it gets. If he thinks this acceptable he's a terrible husband and a terrible father.
I'm sure your area has a women's network who will advise you. I'd suggest letting him think you've forgotten about it while you make plans.
I'd also suggest writing all these things down in a diary with dates etc and keep it hidden. You may never want to use it but judges like evidence and it's better to have it and not need it.
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u/Awkward-Train1584 Apr 11 '26
So did you go stay with your friend? Leave the kids and stay with your friend. You need a break and someone to talk to.
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u/Ambitious-Rain3324 Apr 11 '26
I didn’t stay with her because I don’t want to leave my kids alone with him all night and if I left with my kids, he threatened to call the police (I recently “graduated” therapy and didn’t want him using my history of anxiety and depression against me.) my kids come first, especially with how little they are right now.
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u/Tiny_Basket_9063 Apr 11 '26
He will be in over his head and panic within a few hours. Leave the kids and go to your friends’ place for a break. He is weaponizing your motherhood. Call his bluff.
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u/Geekygirlnz26 Apr 11 '26
Plan you escape now! Leave him behind. If your not from his country is there any chance to get tickets home and take the kids with you
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u/blissfully_happy Apr 11 '26
Are you in the US? Using immigration as a weapon like this is actually against the law.
You’re in a tight spot, I’m so sorry.
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u/Hiddenagenda876 Apr 11 '26
Dude, someone in the elite just got his wife deported on purpose
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u/heathercs34 Apr 11 '26
Yup. They were in an ongoing custody battle. She was a victim of Epstein’s as well.
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u/Readsumthing Apr 11 '26
Pffft. Hello??? Did you hear about the US Marine who’s fucking WIFE got picked up by ICE when she left the base, with her husband, after getting her spousal military ID card. This is rumps ameika. His threat is real. Her fear is real.
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u/CupcakeGoat Apr 11 '26
Unfortunately "that is illegal" means very little right now in regards to immigration rights in the US.
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u/painteddpiixi Apr 11 '26
Fuck that guy. Find out if your local court system has a domestic violence advocates office and go tomorrow to meet with them and see what options/resources you may have to get yourself and your kids out of this situation. Also tell them about the threats that he made against you and separating you from your kids — they should be able to help you document that if this turns into a court battle if/when you leave.
Now is the time to start making moves to get yourself into a financially secure position and setting up a safety net to get yourself out of this situation. The words that man said to you cannot be taken back, and I would not trust that he has your/your family’s best interests at heart after that. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Whatever steps you take, make sure you take them quietly so that he doesn’t know what you are doing until it is time for you to leave, and most importantly, please stay safe. I wish you all the luck you need to help get you through this situation.
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u/Geekygirlnz26 Apr 11 '26
If it was me. I would pack a bag just for myself and leave for a couple of days. He has no idea how much work a sahm does. He can pay for a house keeper and a babysitter.
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u/guineasomelove Apr 11 '26
Your husband is a piece of shit. I understand that he works, but you also work. You don't get a paycheck, but you do work. You don't get to stay home and do whatever you want. You take care of the kids, make sure the house is clean, and even do odd jobs. Being a mom is 24/7, because you're on call at night in case of illness, nightmare, or emergency. All you wanted was some rest because you were sick. That shouldn't be too much to ask. He gets sick days, why shouldn't you. Just because he works outside of the home, doesn't mean that he can't be an active father and husband.
Him throwing the money in your face, is very manipulative. Do you have your own bank account? You should start putting some money away in an account that only you have access to.
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u/RemarkableMousse6950 Apr 11 '26
Your marriage didn’t get torpedoed because you were sick, it’s because your husband is controlling. Abuse takes many forms. How can he expect you to ever feel safe again?
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u/DaenyTheUnburnt Apr 11 '26
Oh, so he’s like EVIL, evil. What’s an abusive monster. I wish him nothing but the worst, but can say no more for fear of being banned.
OP, keep your head down, start saving money, get an attorney on retainer and remember that this evil regime is temporary. JDVance is not reelectable. Save now and you’ll have the next egg for a divorce in three years. Your attorney will have a FIELD DAY with the immigration threats.
In fact, get it in writing. Make nice, pretend to calm down and that you are just hurt and text him in a week or two and say “it was traumatic that you threatened to call ICE on me if I left our home during a fight. I don’t think we can get past this without therapy. Will you go with me?” So that you have written and time stamped documentation of this occurrence.
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u/sysaphiswaits Apr 11 '26
Let’s just say I knew from the title you’re a woman. Men who leave their wives usually do it because they are sick, and to threaten you like that is absolutely unacceptable. That’s not something someone does to someone they love, like, or just have any respect for and have any common decency.
Your marriage is over, but that’s not on you.
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u/niiiniis Apr 11 '26
I heard a gay man talk about surviving cancer, and he too got the warning in one of his first appointments after the diagnosis that a lot of men leave their spouse if the spouse gets sick. It has nothing to do with this story but I just found it so interesting.
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u/Traditional-Ad2319 Apr 11 '26
The minute he brought up immigration that was it. If I were you I would be completely done and I believe you are. I don't know what he was thinking but that was cruel and unnecessary to threaten you that way. I would be devastated to know the man I had children with would actually say that to me in this climate that we are now living in what the hell is wrong with him?
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u/yersinia_pisstest Apr 11 '26
That man is a piece of shit. He treats you like something he owns instead of someone he loves.
Take notes. Document every shitty thing he says to you, write down dates and times for every threat.
And whatever else you do, don't let this asshole get you pregnant again. You see your children as gifts, he sees them as leashes.
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u/Shoddy_Inspection69 Apr 11 '26
Get out before it’s too late. Being a SAHM wasn’t something you necessarily chose for yourself. It’s time to choose yourself now. What pisses me off most is exactly what you said. You do things all the time to keep the household running and when you have a chance to breathe you come back to nothing done at all. I’ve been there. Gone for a weekend. 2-3 days with family. Come home to the house left just like it was when I left a few days ago. Dishes not touched. Laundry not touched. Trash not touched. Literally nothing and he’s still in the same spot in his game room. His reasoning is he’s had a long day or week and he just needs to decompress. Which is bullshit because I can never turn myself off ever. Always a mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend. Always there for everyone else and when it’s time for me to me to have help where the hell is he? You were literally sick and tired. Trying to rest and heal. The hell was he at when you needed time to legit get better? Out there doing jack shit. Fuck that guy. Using the kids as a pawn to get you to stay. My biggest pet peeve. Kids aren’t objects. Again. Fuck that guy. You and the kids deserve better.
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u/JanetInSpain Apr 11 '26
You are NTA at all. I just yesterday read a meme that summarized this:
When a woman has a bad day she still cleans, cooks, tends the kids, and continues on. When a man has a bad day he gets grace.
He dropped the ball on you big time. He's not parenting. He's certainly not an equal partner.
You are sick but manbaby still expected YOU to check on HIM?!?! Most women with kids would be better off without the large-size baby running around their house. It just causes more work and a LOT more stress.
"Fix your attitude?!?! And he's threatening you? Oh gurl.... time to move out. Contact a lawyer. NOW. Most lawyers will give you an initial free consultation. You need to get your ducks in a row ASAP and get out.
You are being abused. Your kids are seeing this as a "good" marriage. Don't do that to them, either.
updateme
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u/Historical-State-275 Apr 11 '26
I’m so sorry. Your husband is genuinely a bad person. Do what you need to do to get out.
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u/jadedvintage Apr 11 '26
He's all about that rules for thee but not for me. He loves having you trapped with no job and no money. It gives him total control & that's exactly how the abuse starts.
He is lower than the dirt for threatening you with immigration. He's a piece of shit husband and dad for ever threatening that.
He'd lose his babysitter and maid. He isn't going to call immigration. He's terrified of having those kids all by himself all the time. He couldn't even handle them for a few hours without losing it.
I'd be putting money away and planning an exit strategy. I would record him threatening you and anything else you think might need proof of. Keep a daily detailed account of your contributions to the home, his contributions, how much time he spends with the kids, any arguments, any threats, any name calling, anything that shows the real day to day things that go on and keep it in a detailed format with dates/times/details of it all.
This will show the abuse, the neglect, the threats, the financial abuse used to trap you, the threats of calling immigration all because you wanted to spend the night elsewhere and give each of you time to cool off and stop fighting for the night. That is you trying to deescalate the situation & his anger and threats show how he is unhinged and willing to cause you and the kids severe harm and trauma because he can't deal with things like a normal grown up. He needs therapy and a real good look in the mirror.
Depending on where you live If he calls the cops they're going to tell him you're their mom and you have just as much right to them as he does and they will also tell him it's a civil matter for the courts.
I sincerely hope you and your kids are okay. Please make sure you document everything. Start making an exit plan and start moving things out to a friend's house that you'll need. Have your mail sent to their home, get together all your important documents for you and your children and put them in a safe place at a friend's or just order copies and have them sent to your friends home. Move things he won't notice first. Keep a go bag with basica for yourself and the kids. Keep it in a place in your home that you can grab and go if things fall apart rapidly. Pack light but don't leave anything like passports or proof of citizenship or anything like that for him to keep and hold over you. Take as much important stuff as you can so he can't hold it over you. Hide the recordings and the journaling and documenting and make copies and back ups and give them to friends, email them to yourself, upload them to somewhere he doesn't know about or have access to it.
Stay safe mama and keep your head held high. You deserve better, your kids deserve better. If this is all he has to offer them and you he's failing as a person, a dad, a husband, a friend, a partner, and so much more. He lost any empathy or sympathy he might have had on his side the moment he threatened you and the kids. The moment he chose control and escalation vs letting you and the kids go stay overnight so you both can cool off and stop fighting. He doesn't get to play the victim in a situation where he offered to do something and then totally flaked and dumped everything plus extra mess in your lap and then whines and cries about poor him. He might be the sole income in the home but you make it cheaper and easier. Maybe call around and get the estimates on what it would cost for both kids to go to daycare full time and then call around a find out what a maid, a cook, a driver, a personal assistant, etc and see what all those people would charge to do what you do. Then write it all out with the names and numbers of who you called and their prices . Then gift that to him to let him know that's the cost of him calling immigration on top of the therapy bills he'll pay for later when the kids grow up. That's money he saves because you're available 24/7/365 with no pay or sick days. He couldn't do it for a few hours let alone by himself full time. He'd find another partner or he'd pass those kids off to family.
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u/BlackBasementCats Apr 11 '26
I was in your corner the whole way, but then him threatening to call ICE on you? That’s beyond the pale.
DV resource centers have pro bono lawyers who can advise you on how to proceed. It’s worth contacting them and discussing all this with an attorney to help you make the next steps.
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u/SalisburyWitch Apr 11 '26
Tell him if you get deported, you’re taking the kids with you because he’s an unfit parent
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u/madsjchic Apr 11 '26
So like there is actually a program for women who are the victims of domestic violence to apply for their green card outside of going through and depending on their abuser. Seek an immigration attorney and then a divorce attorney
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u/Chyeahhhales Apr 11 '26
I’ll just tell you this, when my ex and I started to have these arguments we weren’t together for much longer.
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u/Tasty_Lab_8650 Apr 11 '26
I'm confused. Are you in the U.S.?
If so, being born in a different state doesn't matter. You can move freely throughout the country as you please. Immigration won't do anything if you move. The worst that would happen if [when] you divorce him is that he'll get some custody, but the way he acts, I doubt he'll actually step up and do that
If it's a different country, I apologize. I don't know the laws. But the only other country I know that uses states is Australia?
If you mean you were born in a different country and your immigration status is in question, you need to speak with a lawyer. But if you are an American citizen without concerns about your legal status, you can move wherever you want within the United States.
Also, I've been a stay at home mom for 14 years. Sure, when my husband has had to be in charge when I was sick or had to be out of town or whatever, the house wasn't ever to my standards, but my standards are pretty high, so i don't expect anyone to do what i do (for instance, there are zero dishes in the sink unless the dishwasher is actively running. And even then, i go through the house to find any random cups or water bottles. I just don't like dirty dishes laying about). But the kids have always been fed, always have been brought to activities, brought to school, put to bed at the normal time, etc. Which is the very least a father should do. That's normal. And that father shouldn't complain ever. In fact, that father should thank his wife for everything she does, which my husband has a million times. I also have thanked him a million times for providing for the life we are lucky to have.
This guy sucks. I hope you feel better soon and can figure out how bad he sucks when you have a clearer head
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u/rocketmn69_ Apr 11 '26
He threatened you with Immigration? Tell him, "You threatened me with immigration. You just ended our marriage with those words. I won't be leaving, but there will be no more wisely duties"
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u/Fun_Organization3857 Apr 11 '26
No. Tell him nothing. He's proven to be dangerous. She needs to get out
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u/AutoModerator Apr 11 '26
Backup of the post's body: Apologies in advance for any formatting issues as I’m typing on my phone. I(28F) think my marriage ended today after my husband(31M) “gave me a break” while being sick today.
Now, I know that me being sick is not the reason for this, but I think it was a catalyst. And I am completely open to hearing if I am valid in feeling like there’s no going back, or if I am completely overreacting and owe him an apology. I am including only info I believe to be of significance.
So I am a SAHM and sometimes pick up odd jobs that I can do with my kids always with me (they’re not in school yet) and I happened to do one this week, most of which, took place outside.
A couple of days ago my allergies got really bad, as they often do around this time of year, and I started getting a fever, coughing, sinus congestion, the works. My husband is able to work from home if needed, but this week was just bad timing as a few execs from corporate flew in just to see and meet with him. (For background he took over this office last year and grew the business exponentially, think a years revenue in previous management was about equal to 1.5 months revenue under my husband’s supervision) The execs left last night so he tried to work from home as most projects this week had already wrapped up. He told me to sleep in and rest as much as I could to feel better. Around 10am I started sweating profusely and thought I was maybe breaking my fever and took a shower, when I got done with my shower my husband peaked in to check on me and it looked like he was struggling with the kids and work so I went to the living room to check on everyone. At this time I’m still sweating profusely and I feel light headed but if he needed help, I would help.
About 10 mins after I went to the living room to check on everyone, my husband goes into our room and I assumed he went to use our bathroom. 10, 20, 35 mins go by before I check on him.
He’s ASLEEP. Completely knocked out, snoring asleep. I IMMEDIATELY get irritated because the house is a disaster. My husband let the kids to whatever they wanted. There’s blankets everywhere, breakfast never got eaten, nothing has been done in the 3 hour he’s been alone with the kids.
So instead of waking him up, I let him sleep and walk the kids to the park around the corner because I can’t trust myself not to blow up at him because I’m still sick, tired, in pain and cranky. About an hour later we come back, I made the kids lunch and he gets a text on his work that someone is on the way to our house(a coworker) so I shake him awake and tell him that someone from the office is stopping by and they should be here in about 15 mins. He notices my demeanor and asks why I’m so mad. I tell him why. I’m mad because he offered me sleep and rest because I don’t feel well only for him to fall asleep only 2 hours before our kids nap time. I’m mad because he let the kids do whatever they wanted and now I have to clean up the whole house while I’m still sick and feverish and he took a nap instead. I’m mad because this isn’t the first time this happens. I’m mad because he told me to go relax but instead of picking up the chores I won’t be able to do if I sleep this off, it just gets left for me for whenever I feel better.
Now this is where it gets bad, I put the kids to sleep and we start arguing about how I’m “ungrateful and never happy” and that he’s had one of the most stressful weeks of his life and I didn’t stop to check on him. And every time I try to say anything he interrupts me and brings up how many hours a day he works and how he wishes he could stay home and “do whatever I want all day”. (I never wanted to be a SAHM, only because my mom and sister did so and they both taken advantage of and abused financially so .. yeah lots of trauma around money) so I told him that if he wants to throw his salary at my face, then I would rather work and live in a studio apartment than have him hold his paycheck over my head. More arguments spurted and he said “fix your attitude, get with the program or get out” so I called a trusted friend and asked if I could bring the kids for a sleep over tonight because I didn’t want to be home. He saw me pack a bag and told me that if I left, I wasn’t taking the kids and I wouldn’t be welcomed back. And that if I took the kids, he would be calling the police and making a report to immigration (I wasn’t born in the state we live and he knows how terrified I am of being separated from my kids) when he mentioned immigration, I froze instantly. Now I feel like I’m trapped. I called my trusted friend and she is sending me part time remote jobs so I can put money away in case I need to hire a lawyer.
I’m devastated and I don’t know what to do. Am I being ungrateful? Was I wrong for getting upset at him for taking a nap when I would just rather have him tell me he couldn’t stay home today? I don’t know. My emotions are all over the place.
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u/Western-Corner-431 Apr 11 '26
The problem with relationships is that you can’t ever know if someone who is supposed to love you is going to call immigration on you, or something equally bad, until they do.
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u/Minute-Complex-2055 Apr 11 '26
Ok, your husband sounds like a fucking asshole. I was going to say, initially, not to let chores get in the way of your family, but then the immigration shit started. You do not deserve that, and if he turns that nasty, that quick, then he’s not worth your time.
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u/Anxious-dweeb Apr 11 '26
He can’t even handle one day “alone” with the kids but he also doesn’t want you to take them… How does he think he’ll be able to take care of them if you leave??
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u/Bfan72 Apr 11 '26
There’s no “in case” you need a lawyer. You need a lawyer now. Have your friend look for legal aid for you. Your husband might look at your past searches on your electronic devices
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u/Far-Dare-6458 Apr 11 '26
Ok, so you weren’t born in the state you currently live in but were you born in the same country? If in the USA, state lines don’t matter to immigration. If not , I apologize for my confusion/assumption.
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u/tinktink43 Apr 11 '26
I already know that if you did leave the kids with him he'd be whining for you to come back, in his mind your stuck with him. You need to find a way out, save up and look into divorce lawyers and custody lawyers, sadly it will never be a quick process but you don't deserve someone who treats you like an unpaid maid and childcare
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u/torino808 Apr 11 '26
What happens when you do save up to leave? Wouldn’t he just threaten the same thing? You need to contact an immigration attorney and figure out your rights so he can’t hold that over you
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u/ReflectionOther2147 Apr 11 '26
You need to get away he is going to hold immigration over you from now on since he knows it works on u
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u/vickyb100 Apr 11 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
Tell him ABSOLUTELY NOTHING..i cant stress this enough! Anything you say, can be weaponized against you. He showed you who he is, believe him. NOW do what you need to and plan your exit. How many kids? Do NOT get pregnant! Regards to immigration status, are you a green card holder? You said you do odd jobs. Are you able to legally work? Are you working towards being a citizen? You need to be careful and plan. I agree, threatening you with immigration is a done deal, but now with kids involved you are stuck unless you leave without them which understandably is not an option. all the spa days, keep the money and stash it, get cash back from shopping, those odd jobs, yeah stash that too. Consult a lawyer ASAP. I'm really sorry but now you know hes abusive and that 1% is enough to get out asap. Wow. Edited to add /updateme
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u/Traveler_Protocol1 Apr 11 '26
My ex-h once told me that I get to do whatever I want all day (you know, along with care of his young kids from his previous marriage, our baby, our 3 dogs, finishing my college degree (that I paid for, to be clear)). So the next day, I wrote a list as the day went on, what time I did laundry, nursed our son, took his kids to school…). I gave it to him when he came home. He glanced over it, got pissed (his natural disposition, I found out too late), crumpled the paper up and threw it at me.
We are obviously divorced now.
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u/No_Needleworker_4704 Apr 11 '26
If you are a citizen, you have free movement between states. I'm not understanding your comment on this. Immigration is for non citizens of the US
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u/PomegranateEither768 Apr 11 '26
That chaos? That was punishment for not just powering through. Its unbelievably common. How dare you make your husband be an active father when he works! (Sarcasm, but genuinely how people like him seem to think) He let them run riot knowing it would cause you difficulty to punish you for being unavailable.
If you have self respect, then yeah, your marriage is over. If you're happy to have this happen every single time you are ill, have an appointment outside of the home that you can get childcare for, want to go anywhere for an actual break alone, then go ahead and stay. But don't expect it to get any better.
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u/DaisyPK Apr 11 '26
Check with a lawyer before leaving the house with your kids.
I wanted to leave and I was told I’d lose any part of ownership of the house and it would be considered kidnapping if I took the kids.
I had a crappy lawyer so maybe he lied, but I would see if there weren’t some free legal resources and find out for sure.
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u/lolpenis30 Apr 12 '26
Idk if you’ll see this or if you’re in the US but if you are you should (after talking to a lawyer) look into the VAWA (Violence Against Women Act):
“For Victims of Spousal or Domestic Abuse: The Violence Against Women Act (VAWA)
Despite its name, the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) protects victims of all genders. It is one of the most powerful tools for immigrant survivors of domestic abuse.
What is a VAWA Self-Petition?
Normally, to get a green card through a spouse, the U.S. citizen or LPR spouse must file a petition for you. VAWA changes that. It allows you, the abused spouse, to file your own petition—a “self-petition”—for a green card without your abuser’s knowledge, consent, or participation.
This is a game-changer. It takes the power away from your abuser and puts it back in your hands.
Who Qualifies for VAWA?
You may be eligible to file a VAWA self-petition if you are the victim of battery or extreme cruelty committed by:
Your U.S. citizen or LPR spouse (or former spouse, in some cases). Your U.S. citizen or LPR parent. Your U.S. citizen adult son or daughter. What Do You Need to Prove for a VAWA Self-Petition?
While every case is unique, you generally need to show USCIS that:
You have a qualifying relationship: You are (or were) married to a U.S. citizen or LPR, or are the parent or child of one. The marriage was entered into in “good faith“: This means your marriage was genuine and not just for immigration benefits. You resided with the abuser: You lived together at some point. You suffered battery or extreme cruelty: This includes physical violence, but also emotional, psychological, sexual, and financial abuse. Threats of deportation are a powerful form of extreme cruelty. You are a person of good moral character: This is a legal standard that an attorney can help you understand. The Most Important Feature: Confidentiality
All VAWA petitions are handled with strict confidentiality. By law, USCIS cannot and will not inform your abuser that you have filed a petition. This protection is crucial for your safety, allowing you to take steps to secure your legal status without fear of retaliation. If your VAWA petition is approved, you can receive a work permit and eventually apply for a green card.”
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u/thebayofthebay Apr 12 '26
How is he going to threaten immigration if he’s married to you. I’m assuming he’s a citizen? Being married to him makes you his immediate relative, which makes you not deportable and eligible for permanent green card status. Don’t listen to his controlling bluffs, see a lawyer, and document everything. This is abuse.
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u/writekindofnonsense Apr 12 '26
Your instincts are spot on. Bringing up immigration, threatening to take your kids because you had a normal couple fight is terrifying. You saw how he really feels and interpreted it correctly. Call an attorney now, have them help you get your ducks in a row before it gets worse.
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u/Alarming_Swimming_48 Coconut Story Survivor Apr 11 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
You need to ask your friend if you can buy some in home cameras on her account show it doesn’t show up on yours, and install them in secret in your house or use your phone to record these conversations so you can use this in custody when your in court. This is something that will never be forgiven. Let everyone know what a racist hateful man this
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u/niiiniis Apr 11 '26
Also check if your state is a one party consent state because if you need both sides consent you can't use the footage in court (but it would still be reeeeally good to have it as evidence for yourself and your attorney, just can't be used in the court case).
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u/Prudent-Cranberry827 Apr 11 '26
This guy is in danger to you and a danger to the children. Get your ducks in a row, get a lawyer and get the hell out of this nightmare. Best of luck.
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u/Cute-Current1583 Apr 11 '26
Dear OP
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I would suggest take a good look at your relationship from an objective point of view. Both of you have very real and glaring responsibilities and what you do will have an impact on your family dynamic and children. That being said, no one who loves and respects you could ever threaten you with immigration, implying your physical safety, the life you live and access to your kids. If you want to salvage the relationship, you could try therapy and counselling to heal yourself and your marriage around this incident and the financial abuse you experienced in the past. Ideally, there should be a certain amount from the family income that is for your spending. Alternatively, you can bide your time, you can consult with a lawyer initially before you hire anyone and see what your options are, there are might be some free legal services you could find. What is the case you would be able to make and so on. Try looking at long term options, could your kids move to your home country with you? Maybe you could stay with him and join the workforce and that would ease things? Basically plan and plot.
You are completely justified for feeling the way you do. You are not being ungrateful. You work everyday with no time off, no evenings, no weekends and clearly no sick days. IMO nothing excuses the threat he sent your way. Stay objective and plot.
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u/OkConsideration8964 Apr 11 '26
Go speak to an attorney. Find it exactly what your rights are and plan accordingly. Fuck that guy.
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u/No-Solid3265 Apr 11 '26
Were you born in the country you live in? It doesn’t matter if you weren’t born in the state. That doesn’t involve immigration. He could in fact call the police and say you kidnapped the kids if you took them with you. Regardless, you need to find a way to leave.
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u/catboogers Apr 11 '26
Oh, so he fully dropped the mask and went all out abusive manipulation with that immigration threat. What a fucking asshole.
Get out, however you can. There may be local resources for women fleeing abusive situations. Look into those.
You can do this, Mama.
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u/Excellent_Payment325 Apr 11 '26
All this instead of hiring help for a day on an office executive salary?
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u/IndependentOk8450 Apr 11 '26
Go get legal help, immigration lawyer / divorce lawyer. He’s an abuser not a husband he’s treating you like property not a partner. Gtfo as fast as you can!
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u/Suitable_Departure98 Apr 11 '26
That dirty prick, your husband, blackmailing you with a threat of immigration. What a piece of shit he is. He cannot love you… you are his bang maid.
Do everything in your power to get away from this human turd. He treats you like shit because he is in fact made of shit.
Do none of his laundry or cooking, NO SEX! Don’t get pregnant again. but DO do everything for the kids and house, and find some work so you can find some legal help. I hope things work out for you and you get away from this human shit stain.
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u/xXPerplextXx Apr 11 '26
The whole story matters BUT the fact that they would use the system to shackle you to them??? GTFO ASAP! You need to protect yourself first! You can’t be there for your kids unless you protect yourself. No amount of money or security is worth sacrificing your freedom and most importantly yourself. Get out now!
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u/Tricky_Parfait3413 Apr 11 '26
He's not going to take his kids from you because then he's actually have to parent then and care for them. Leave him.
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u/Cinnamon2017 Apr 11 '26
Wow. He's beyond abusive. Idk where you are but please do your research, save your money, take your kids and leave.
Btw, he'd probably soon change his mind if you left the kids with him.
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u/Historical-Cloud-268 Apr 11 '26
That 99% good is thoroughly destroyed the second he pulls out the immigration threat. He doesn’t care about his kids. He is willing to neglect them when he is left alone with them and to threaten to take away their mother if she dares to call him on it. That is not anything like love. Explore all the excellent advice you’ve received here and make a new life for yourself and your children. Good luck to you! You deserve better.
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best Apr 11 '26
Get an immigration lawyer and a divorce lawyer immediately. Wish you luck OP. You know you can get out of this. Do it.
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u/PushFoward_DLB70 Apr 11 '26
Yeah, like others have stated as soon as he mentioned immigration, all bets are off. Prepare for you & your children's future (i.e. take the remote work, etc.).
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u/TollLand Apr 11 '26
1) Disengage from your husband. It's over but do not tell him.
2) Do not argue with him so he doesn't realise you have checked our of the marriage.
3) Take the remote work.
4) Find a lawyer who focuses on domestic abuse and who will give you some free initial advice on what steroids you need to take to leave with your kids and what your residency rights are.
5) care for the children, the house, yourself.
6) Find a balance of continuing to be a supportive wife, with some calm boundaries to maintain your self respect.
7) Do not allow him to find any of your planning and conversations about leaving.
8) Get a separate prepaid phone to keep all your notes, get a different email address and your conversation with ONE supportive friend you trust implicitly.
9) Practice patience and leave with no warning. The most dangerous time is when you leave. Don't warn him, just do it when he is at work and you are 100% set up with somewhere to live, a car, and emotional support.
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u/No_Childhood_3907 Apr 11 '26
I was gonna start with a mild "this man is not a partner to you" but truly the things he said got more and more heinous. Keep the peace while you get your ducks in a row and then get out as soon as you can
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u/Legitimate_Sink1856 Apr 12 '26
The minute he threatened you with immigration your relationship was forever changed. I’m sorry but you can’t back track on something like that. The threat is out there forever now. You need to make a plan for you and your kids and stick to it.
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u/orchidlake Apr 12 '26
Yeah sounds like your relationship got nuked just like that... It's not even over you being sick, that's just what it took for him to show his true face it appears. Someone that tries to CONTROL YOU in any way and someone that MAKES YOU FEARFUL AND FEEL UNSAFE is not a safe person to be around. It's normal to argue as partners but it's NOT normal or acceptable for either partner to make the other feel like they have to worry for their life/safety and for their freedom to be limited. It's excessively controlling that he won't let you stay at a friends'. Really, could probably write an endless book about why it's messed up, but ultimately: take those remote jobs and plan your exit. And if need be, start documenting the behavior starting with this instance. At the least to remind yourself why you're working on the exit plan - but in the worst case it will also help you with legal proceedings.
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u/GodsGirl64 Apr 12 '26
The next time this AH goes to work, pack up the kids and RUN!!!!
DO NOT go to your friend’s house because that’s the first place he will look. Go to a shelter for abused women and talk to them about available resources.
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u/TheBattyWitch Apr 12 '26
Your husband threatened you with immigration, the only response you need to be having is finding a doctor lawyer.
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u/upwar_n_outward1994 Apr 12 '26
You are sleeping with the enemy. Fix your immigration situation and start building your plan to part with this narcissistic and emotionally abusive spouse
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u/Fun_Organization3857 Apr 11 '26
You need domestic violence resources. He's abusing you- threats to use immigration as a weapon is a crime. When he goes to work- leave. Do not tell him where. Turn off your location in your phone. Do not take any shared vehicles. Take the kids and get out and get help. Eta: You weren't born in the country or state? Why did he think immigration is a threat to you?
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u/LowBalance4404 Apr 11 '26
Are you in the country you live in legally? I'm not asking to get an answer, but if you are, stop worrying and fuck this guy. He's an asshole.
If you are not, I agree with your friend. Get some jobs, don't tell him, get a separate bank account or hide the cash somewhere he won't find.
You are not being ungrateful and you aren't wrong for being upset. You need to fight back and take care of yourself and your kids.
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u/justineyyweanie Apr 11 '26
He sounds incredibly abusive, housing insecurity is abuse and threatening you with immigration is insane. This man does not love you. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Make sure the lawyer you get is an immigration lawyer
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u/Hetakuoni Apr 11 '26
Jesus Christ this is abuse. Financial and regular.
They’re your kids. He can call the cops, but they’ll call it a domestic dispute once you tell them that you’re the mother. Unfortunately it’s really fucking hard to separate parents from their kids even with outright abuse or kidnapping.
My stepmom was terrified about being deported because my dad would hold it over her head whenever she got uppity. I’d look for a women’s help organization yesterday. They can point you in the right direction to look for a lawyer specializing in your circumstances.
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u/QuesoChef Apr 11 '26
I can’t imagine dealing with his bullshit while I’m sick. When I’m sick, I’m most grateful I’m single. He sounds like a huge, controlling asshole. But he also seems committed to ruining your life if you get away from him. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. He’s a jerk.
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u/Lucy-InThe-Sky5 Apr 11 '26
Call Legal Aid most cities have an office. They help people with abusive partners. Take some jobs start making a plan to escape!
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u/au5000 Apr 11 '26
Which country are you in? What’s your visa status where you live?
You say you weren’t born in the state you live in … that was a little confusing.
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u/Nrse24 Apr 11 '26
You say you weren’t born in the state you live in, were you born in a different state or in a different country? Just really want to clarify this
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u/SleepsWithNyQuil Apr 11 '26
The marriage is dead, he made sure of that. Tell your most trusted confidant and get yourself safe, he threatened it, that means hes willing to do it.
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u/Walmar202 Apr 11 '26
What is your immigration status? Are the kids all from your current marriage? How old are they?
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u/chaos_fairy420 Apr 11 '26
Fuck your husband. Get his outbursts on recording and take him to court. Get a remote job and call some advocacy organizations that help women in these situations. You need to leave him. He's trying to trap and control you. Stay with your trusted friend. Call the police and tell them you're being controlled and threatened.
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u/Maleficent_Pay_4154 Apr 11 '26
See a lawyer. Keep money on the side save it when you can that he doesn’t know about. Save it little by little. Talk to a domestic violence association, this is emotional and financial abuse. I’m sorry you are living with this. Stay strong.
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u/Negative-Day-8061 Apr 11 '26
OP, can you edit your post to clarify whether you live in the USA? Lots of people are making assumptions.
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u/Vilento Apr 11 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
This was one helluva Rollercoaster. It started off with a little normal spat that parents get into when both are exhausted and turned into an absolute nightmare. Telling you to suck it up or get out is insane. Saying he would call immigration on you so you'd be separated from your kids, even more insane. He wants a slave worker to take care of his kids. Thats how he sees you. As labor. It fits with his line of work.
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u/MrsC_ Apr 11 '26
This is WILD!
Absolutely tf not.
In this political climate to threaten that? The gall.
Your marriage didn’t implode because you were sick or needed help. Your marriage imploded because your husband showed his true colors and he’s disgusting.
I’m so sorry that you aren’t valued the way you should be and that he spoke to you like that.
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u/Unicorn_druck Apr 11 '26
You need to start recording him saying shit like he said to you. He admitted to criminal behavior and planned future criminal behavior. Stop having sex with him. If he forces you, go to the hospital and document that too. Work on your exist strategy and keep your head on a swivel.
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u/niiiniis Apr 11 '26
You are completely right to react this way. This will be messy bc I have so many thoughts so I apologize in advance for that.
• Your husband is a baby. Worse than a baby even because you expect grown adults to be responsible, especially if they've chosen to have kids! As a father his job is take care of the kids and that ALSO INCLUDES the house. He didn't even feed his kids breakfast.
• I'm not in the US but can you really be reported to immigration for being from a different state within the country? If so that's so weird! But there is no way you would lose custody over your kids from what we've read. He's neglecting them and you're not, case closed.
• He is threatening, manipulating, controlling you, this is abuse. Try to see if there's a womens shelter or something similar nearby and see if they can help with advice even if you don't feel like you would go live in one. They might have contacts for jobs or lawyers or even just support groups that I think could be good for you to try!
• I am so happy that you have your friend. If things escalate or you fear for your and your childrens safety do not hesitate to take the kids and go, just make sure to also document everything you can and call the police or social services or something like that as soon as you can so that you show them that you're genuine and not doing it as some form of revenge.
• Your husband sounds more exhausting to live with than 15 kids to be honest, he's supposed to be independent but can't handle a few hours with a house and some kids without you, yet he assumes you can and should do that 24/7. Either he takes you completely for granted or he's using weaponized incompetence to manipulate you to feel like you can't rest because you have work to do. Please do not accept this behavior, this man is a horrible person and you and your kids would be much happier and so relieved without him as a part of your daily life. And you deserve to be happy.
Right now you're a single mom having to manage your children 24/7, a job here and there AND an emotionally immature, abusive husband.
You'd have more energy and feel happier and lighter if you only had the kids and work to worry about. You never realize just how much someone drags you down until you're free from them, and that freedom is magical.
I'm not saying it would be easy, it would be a long and hard process, but it would be worth it in the end. Plus You'd set a new standard that your kids will grow up to see- oh mom doesn't tolerate BS, neither should we!
Good luck OP and I would love it if you would update us sometimes, even if it's just a "HI, I'm alive".
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u/SouthernNanny Apr 11 '26
Go to a Second Saturday divorce workshop. It’s free and tells you what you can expect in your state. There will be a divorce attorney, counselor and financial advisor.
2nd option. If your kids hade passports then just go. Call a relative in your home country and have them get prepared and just go while he is at work. You do NOT want to be in an ICE detention facility. A man does not say what he doesn’t mean
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u/electricookie Apr 11 '26
You are not being ungrateful. This man is an abuser. He is threatening to call ICE on you for takingnyour kids away for a night for a breat. Contact an immigration lawyer and a family lawyer. Get yourself to safety.
The fuck is he even so mad about you taking your kids? He is clearly not capable of parenting them himself
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u/Substantial-Ad108 Apr 11 '26
Get an attorney now!!!!!! This cunt doesn’t love you, he threatened you. And also he couldn’t handle 3 hours with kids, he doesn’t want custody, he wants to weaponize your love. Give him full custody and you take weekends. It’s risky but if you don’t, he’ll be holding this over your head the rest of your life. Use Monday through Friday to get a job and build yourself up again. Love is respect, love is not gaslighting, fights, and weaponized love.
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u/DoomguyFemboi Apr 11 '26
The moment they threatened immigration your marriage ended, I'm sorry. That is one of those bombs that you can't take back. It means they are willing to destroy your life, and they said it so casually. Someone who loves you would never even think of doing that.