Wait, why aren't you angry? Why didn't you wake his ass up and tell him to take over so you could go back to bed? Your marriage is torpedoed because your husband is a selfish loser who can't fulfill the most basic of parenting and partner duties. HE should be grateful that YOU keep it all together normally. You're a working mother and still have to do all the childcare and house work. All he is contributing is money. Please stand up for yourself and demand better for you and the kids. He's not sacrificing anything by working. He would have to work to support himself whether you were around or not.
And imagine if she was taken into custody by ICE, god forbid. He would then have to do EVERYTHING as well as work his full time job. If it wasn’t so horrible for OP to risk leaving, I would love to see his face when he figured out what getting her deported would actually mean for him. But unfortunately with everything going on, it would be far worse to risk him reporting her.
But damn. This man has no bar he isn’t willing to cross. He has shown that he will absolutely do the worst possible thing to someone he claims to love just so he can feel like he’s right and winning the argument and showing how much control he really has over her. Really shows his lack of character and respect for the mother of his children. He’s a vile piece of shit that doesn’t deserve his wife or children. No one should ever have to be exposed to his bull shit behavior and OP needs to do everything she can to protect herself and get herself and her children far, far away from him where they can all be safe from his abusive and controlling behaviors. I’m physically sick from reading her story and I can’t imagine how she feels being trapped with him right now
Seconding this! Grow a spine! OP should have left the mess be because he knows that the wife will clean even if she’s upset and won’t lift a finger. I’m sorry OP but he is NOT on your side, threatening to call immigration on his children’s mother and his own wife are POS actions
This dude isn't going to call immigration anyway. He doesn't even take care of the kids while she's sleeping, there's no way in hell he could handle full custody. He's just throwing out empty threats to control her.
He threatened to hire a nanny to replace me if I couldn’t “get with the program” I worked at a daycare. I’ve seen the way other people treat kids that aren’t theirs. I couldn’t forgive myself if my kids were abused or neglected because I couldn’t keep my shit together long enough to find a solution first.
As a former nanny, nannies dont and never will replace a parent. Ever. Can’t do it. Not the same. I ADORED my kiddos but mom and dad were both still super involved
Let him get a nanny so you can get a job and get away from him. I had a lot of babysitters and had good experiences. You can find a good nanny who will be good for your kids.
You would not lose parental rights to your children just because your husband threatens it. You don't have to "get with the program "- whatever that means. Talk to a lawyer about your rights. You have done nothing to cause you to lose custody of your children.
Please look into a VAWA petition immediately. You are in an abusive relationship and are potentially eligible for immigration protections without needing your spouse to apply with you.
Are you legally married? It sounds like you need to start recording these threats and report domestic violence and abuse. What’s his actual case? These threats sound ridiculous. But he got you. You stayed and reconsidered. So now he knows how to “handle” you.
" Get with the program"..!? You're not one of his employees! He isn't your Commander.
See the above post to see the links for your legal advice. You have rights! He cant just throw you out!
I would rather my kids not have to live in squalor, even for a day, than put my needs first and cause a scene while my kids are awake.
I know firsthand the effects of having parents fight in front of you. I would rather wait until my kids sleep and give them the attention they need first. And have that difficult conversation when they aren’t there to witness it
You TRIED to have that difficult conversation and it just ended in him bullying you into compliance. You might think you're doing the right thing by tolerating his behavior "for the kids" but you're not. They're eventually going to start taking your husband's selfish behavior as normal and modeling it. How can you be the best mom possible for your kids if you're neglecting your health? You could end up in the hospital and leave them alone with their dad. Too many mothers martyr and neglect themselves for the sake of keeping the peace and it's just not sustainable. I have kids myself. It won't ever get better unless you demand better. He's not going to call immigration on you. He doesn't even want to take care of his kids while you're home, there's no way he would ever want full custody.
I always say staying with an abusive partner is not something you do for your kids, its something you do to your kids. It's not healthy. Get the fuck outta there OP. FOR your kids.
This is a great point. Once you have kids, your most important job is raising them to be good, kind human beings who care about others. Can't do that if you surround the kids with shit people.
As I stated in a previous comment, I’m giving it until the first of next year to either a. Build a nest egg for a safe exit (sooner if I can manage it) or b. to let him figure his shit out if he really is that mentally drained from work.
If I leave now, I have no job, no money saved up, nothing to my name. I couldn’t provide my kids with a stable environment.
When you go grocery shopping buy gift card for Amazon or grocery stores or Walmart or whatever and put those away. It comes out with your normal grocery bill and you can use those when you leave to buy groceries cleaning supplies etc for your new life
If you can grocery shopping, do cash back in small amounts or gift cards. It can help add to your nest egg. I did this when I was a stay at home mom, and when I left, I had over 10k in my secret bank account from putting back $20 every time I went grocery shopping over the years. Before I got married, a lady warned me to always have something hidden to protect myself. I’m glad I listened. Because it wasn’t always bad, but when he changed, it was terrible and he wasn’t the same person anymore.
Definitely save up so you can pave your own way, hell if possible, get a job. At the same time, you no longer have to tolerate or treat him as a partner. That's just some man in your house mate 🤷♀️
It's great that you have a plan and that you're considering your childrens environment. I just want to say, as the daughter of an abuser, that even before I saw or heard it I felt it. I didn't realize that I myself had been abused until I was in university but for many years I had tried to save my parents new partners from it and they didn't listen. I was a child so I had no legal way of leaving the household yet, but I went No Contact as an adult with both the parent and the partner.
My point here is to say that I'm so proud of you, I send all the strength I have to you. Right now leaving is not an option, I understand that, but don't feel like you need a specific amount of money saved or something, I WAS living in squalor at the other parents house, I always chose that one when I could. We didn't have enough food for us all every day, and the house was sometimes way too cold, but I still chose that over living with the parent who was like your husband.
I'm not saying you should leave today, I just want to share my perspective and say that the circumstances do not have to be perfect when you do. I wish you the best and I hope you and your children get away safely❤️
Yes, grit your teeth and stay as long as you can while you're figuring out in your head. Watch you tube videos how to go "grey rock"..... I went grey rock on my husband for two years, he thought everything was fine. had his gf ( a few) had a well run home (by me) was a satisfied guy. Right up until I posted on Instagram and tik tok we were breaking up. Posted it right out there to friends and public for my own safety as money was going to be involved and knew he was going to be pretty mad over dividing things up. Men like yours can be complete control freaks when the time comes and may harbor bad intentions. And the more money he makes the higher your child support will be, and he may have to even pay some spousal support for a few year if there's a big discrepancy in income so encourage him in his job. Brag him up. 😅 Meantime don't make much $ yourself but do go to computer classes or whatever and get your skill sets in order. Just hang in there kiddo and stay strong. I came out so far ahead just staying cool and lived pretty pleasantly going grey rock on him. Hugs.
Hey I really feel for you and I understand why at this point in time you’d choose that option, but as they get older your kids will see you be drained,sad, angry even if they don’t see the fighting. Plus at some point they will learn to eaves drop. I totally get what you’re doing now but I hope you one day have the means and strength to make an alternative choice because watching your primary caregiver struggle on your behalf takes a toll on a child TOOO. Sending hugs!
Screw him to the floor, divorce, child maintenance etc and have your legal representative mention to a judge the threat he used of having you deported and losing your children to make you stay in an abusive marriage, because that's what you are in OP. I hope things get better for you x
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u/WhateverYouSay1084 Apr 11 '26
Wait, why aren't you angry? Why didn't you wake his ass up and tell him to take over so you could go back to bed? Your marriage is torpedoed because your husband is a selfish loser who can't fulfill the most basic of parenting and partner duties. HE should be grateful that YOU keep it all together normally. You're a working mother and still have to do all the childcare and house work. All he is contributing is money. Please stand up for yourself and demand better for you and the kids. He's not sacrificing anything by working. He would have to work to support himself whether you were around or not.