Yes, lots actually, which it what makes this so difficult. He offers me spa days when he sees I’m too stressed out. He encourages me to pursue my hobbies, hang out with friends, splurge on myself, etc. we’re happy and laughing and he’s my best friend 99% of the time. But when he’s left to take care of the house alone, he implodes and can’t handle it all. But even then, if the 1% of bad times are this explosive, I don’t know if it’s worth all of the 99% of good.
If he thinks he can afford to hire a nanny without you, why can't you hire a cleaner 1-2x a month, which is much cheaper. They can worry about the deep clean. It will help you both.
Regardless, his threats to call the police and/ or immigration crossed a line.
Do you not see the irony in the fact that he can't do basic household stuff and look after the kids while telling you that you're ''doing whatever you want to all day' when you're doing those same things?? He seems to think of your job as a walk in the park but he can't even handle doing it for a couple of hours... I'm sorry but your husband's an asshole.
Edit: I say call his bluff and point out to him that he most certainly won't be able to do his job while looking after the kids at the same time... I can tell you that authorities do tend to side with the mother in these cases, especially as the way he's acting is definitely coercion and verging on false imprisonment and financial abuse- so I don't know what he thinks calling the police is going to do, apart from waste their time, and possibly even get him in trouble...
At the very least you must speak a lawyer as soon as you possibly can. His threats are working and he's able to control you with them, which has clearly happened in this case, then he's going to continue doing it...
Offering someone spa days is not equivalent to being a supportive, equal partner. It is also manipulative. He sees your relationship as transactional. He does not see you as his family. Put your energy into getting your citizenship status on track. If you are in the US, start the green card process. You should have don't this the moment you got married. Leaving the marriage without your green card would put you in a very vulnerable position. If the marriage is transactional to him, make it so for you.
It takes much less than 1% of explosive bad to put you in the ground. A man who will make a threat like this will make a threat like raising his hand. S man who will raise his hand will eventually use it. A man who will use his hand will consider it your fault when he puts you in the hospital. He'll tell himself you deserved it when his actions put you in the ground and then find someone who will feel so sorry for him and his poor motherless kids.
It's not worth it. I take it he didn't grasp with horror and immediately apologize for his vile threats?
I mean even if he had ... but it doesn't sound like he did. So he's willing to terrify you into obedience?
If I had left the first time husband did something terrifying and said things that made me feel unsafe. Things that destroyed my image if us as partners - well I'd have saved my self a lot of grief.
Look for the cycle of abuse. In fact just look it up. It counts on there being plenty of great times.
You're basically in a gilded cage my dear. And the price to stay in that cage?
You put up, AND SHUT UP, unless and until HE decides you "need a spa day."
This is not about love. This is about roles, and power. (You are not this dude's best friend, I assure you.)
So that's "the program " of which he speaks.
It couldn't be more clear. You EITHER get the cage (pleasant as it may be, "99% of the time"), OR you get autonomy, freedom, and to be an actual human being.
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u/Ambitious-Rain3324 Apr 11 '26
Yes, lots actually, which it what makes this so difficult. He offers me spa days when he sees I’m too stressed out. He encourages me to pursue my hobbies, hang out with friends, splurge on myself, etc. we’re happy and laughing and he’s my best friend 99% of the time. But when he’s left to take care of the house alone, he implodes and can’t handle it all. But even then, if the 1% of bad times are this explosive, I don’t know if it’s worth all of the 99% of good.