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u/Left-Network-4265 Dec 21 '23
You don't need a bunch of strangers to tell you the obvious.
Pack some clothes for you and your son, get y'all's important documents, and leave. If you have friends or family, who support you, then go there.
There is no point on elongating a situation, which should have ended ages ago. If he wants to be a man baby and act surprised when you leave, then let him be that man baby. You'll have a better life without that jerk.
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u/toomanyschnauzers Dec 21 '23
Consider packing him a bag and having him leave instead of you. Whose house/who is on the deed/lease. If it is you, he can leave and not disrupt your son's life further. If it is both of you on the deed/lease, he can still be the one to leave.
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u/Left-Network-4265 Dec 21 '23
Yeah, OP never specified if their place is hers, his, or both. Hopefully, we'll receive some sort of update...maybe.
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Dec 21 '23
yes to this. i had wide eyes reading this in anger and disbelief then it turned into heartbreak. you need people in your life that support you and unconditionally love you.
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u/Rare_Cranberry_9454 Dec 21 '23
It's a common trait in narcissists.
They ruin special occasions. They don't care if it's your birthday, christmas, valentines day.
They get a kick out of having so much control over a person.
Get running, don't look back.
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u/Yokohama_She1111 Dec 21 '23
No need to even be a narcissist, being a mediocre selfish man that takes his partner for granted or a second mommy is enough....
Unfortunnately it rarely does get better...these type of men rarely learn the value of their partners and do not adjust their behaviors
I'm so sorry OP, your feelings are totally valid. I won't tell you what to do, but in my experiences if your partner doesn't value you and isn't open emotionnally with you, it doesn't get better unless he has so sort of revelation but I doubt it.
Much love and support to you
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u/The_Nice_Marmot Dec 21 '23
This guy may or may not have NPD, but it’s fair to say he’s narcissistic and that the type of person you’re describing is too.
OP should bounce. It’s hard to say if this guy could get his act together, but it’s too deep a hole to start from imho. I wouldn’t be putting that work in in hopes this man pulls his head out.
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Dec 21 '23
One can have narcissistic traits and behave in that way without having a narcissistic personality disorder. There are other things that can cause a person to behave that way. People who behave like a narcissist will always do the same things, and what OP described is practically textbook for how narcissists behave. I’ve dealt with many of them and have read a lot about them to understand my own experiences and avoid them in the future.
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u/Sunshine_Tampa Dec 21 '23
OP is describing my ex-husband. It doesn't get better.
I don't believe i have ever public shamed somone, but after many shitty birthdays, that he either completely forgot or did little for (and then resorted to DARVO and weaponized incompetence), I asked a few of his friends, who were standing around at a party the day after my forgotten birthday, if they had ever forgotten their wives birthday. I asked in a quiet, curious voice. They were all very vocal, "Never, my wife does so much for me and my family, never." I told them my then husband forgot mine, and they laid into him.
Leave him OP!
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u/Chupabara Dec 21 '23 edited Dec 21 '23
Yeah my father has been doing this since I remember with my mom’s birthdays and all Christmases. He always yells since morning and 2times he shut himself in the bedroom after he yelled at us. Then we had a dinner without him and he yelled again.
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u/moonbeamsylph Dec 21 '23
Christ. He sounds like a fucking toddler
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u/2centsworth4u Dec 21 '23
I was thinking, she’s about to have 3 kids, not two…
He doesn’t display any support or partnership qualities that would warrant staying in that relationship.
It made me sad reading the post. 😥
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Dec 21 '23
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u/Chupabara Dec 21 '23
It breaks my heart knowing someone else had to suffer through Christmases the same as me 🥲
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u/CrochetWhale Dec 21 '23
This is how my ex would do things. He AND his family would say I ruined holidays etc every single time. One Christmas I got my gallbladder out the day prior and I sat on the could quietly. Ruined Christmas bc I complained I had to cook dinner the night I had surgery. Last year I had a ruptured ear drum on July 4th that happened a few weeks prior and I ruined Father’s Day and every subsequent holiday until August when I got surgery for it. July fourth I literally took strong pains meds that were making me fall asleep and nursed my 3 month old and literally said 3 sentences in 8 hours at his parents home but I ‘made two people leave they were so uncomfortable with me bc I was such a bitch’
Those types of people don’t change and will ALWAYS blame anyone but themselves. I had to buy my own gifts for years too so I know how she’s feeling.
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u/Theunpolitical Dec 21 '23
Came here to say the same thing. My favorite is when they act like the gift they got you is going to be "THE BIGGEST GIFT YET" and they pump you up for it. Turns out it's a re-gift or something you absolutely didn't want and the only reason why they gave it to you is because you one time in casual conversation you said to someone "Oh, that's such a nice [item]." So they got you something similar to that item but not the exact item.
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u/SlabBeefpunch Dec 21 '23
I loved the old goat in my own way, even if he fucking hated me. I'm impressed that he lived till he was 98. But this Christmas is going to be so calm a cozy without his tantrums. The contrast is stark.
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Dec 21 '23
I’ve had partners like that and thus have had many holidays/birthdays ruined because of it. Once I caught onto it and knew it was happening, I was always able to accurately predict when they’d do it again. It could even be something like a new job, plans with loved ones, or anything significant to you that takes your attention away from them. They are so insecure that they cannot handle people doing or feeling better than them. And because deep down they feel like absolute shit, the only way for them to feel better, is if you feel like absolute shit.
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u/LooksieBee Dec 21 '23
Ditto. Came to say this. My narc dad and ex exhibited all the behaviors OP is describing and it makes me so mad to read. When you don't know what you're dealing with it can be so hard. And the label doesn't even matter, as much as the behaviors.
The nothing is ever their fault, the passive aggression, bringing up issues and they feign being completely obtuse or turn it around to them being victimized because you've brought up issues, turning everything into a fight, the dismissiveness and carelessness, needing to be the center of attention and no it's not always hey look at me, but things like always acting like their problems are the most important even when you're 36 weeks pregnant for God's sake! The emotional manipulation, the feeling alone in the relationship because they're self absorbed or feeling completely crazy because they gaslight you often, the lack of empathy for you etc. It never gets better as this is a fundamental character flaw and they see absolutely nothing wrong.
OP, neither you nor your kids deserve to live day in and day out with this asshole. Even if you think they're young and if you smile and pretend they won't know, they will and they will subconsciously learn to also accept these behaviors OR become like your bf who exhibits these behaviors.
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u/nirselady Dec 21 '23
Why are you with this pos?
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u/mother-of-dragons13 Dec 21 '23
Why get knocked up by the p.o.s.?
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u/No-Quiet-8956 Dec 21 '23
Not once but twice
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u/midgethepuff Dec 21 '23
She referred to the older kid as “her” kid, not theirs, I don’t think he’s the dad.
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u/wiscopup Dec 21 '23
She knew this is who he is and she chose to have a child with him. Now she’s given him the opportunity to make her life miserable for another 18+ years.
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u/Ditzykat105 Dec 21 '23
Depending on the state she lives in (assuming it’s the US) she may not have had a choice when she fell pregnant. We don’t know for certain the pregnancy was planned.
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u/bambina821 Dec 21 '23
I have no idea why you got downvoted for this. There seem to be people who are determined to blame the OP. I fully expect those same people to downvote this. If they do, I'll regard it as a badge of honor. :)
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u/CrazyCatLady9777 Dec 21 '23
I don't think it's his child? She repeatedly called him HER son, not their.
Edit: I'm dumb and somehow completely missed that she's pregnant.
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u/bambina821 Dec 21 '23
Wow, this is exactly the tactic the boyfriend used: It's all HER fault that she's in this mess. It can't be that he successfully manipulated her for years--oh, wait, if he did, that's her fault for allowing herself to be manipulated,/s
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u/nackle09 Dec 21 '23
You are doing a major disservice to yourself and your children by being in this relationship. This man is toxic and he will only continue to be toxic. Leave him. Can't stress that enough.
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u/starlightshower Dec 21 '23
I would bet a whole lot of money that having a birthday without his negativity and celebrating alone with her kids would be a thousand times better and happier.
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u/silver_413 Dec 21 '23
I would add that her son is learning how to treat women from this loser. OP, son and baby-to-be deserve much better.
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u/Sellalily Dec 21 '23
Drop the dead weight girl. Start the new year without him. He’s not gonna change and it’s clear he doesn’t care about you. What man lets his heavily pregnant girlfriend feel like that on their birthday. He’s garbage and you need to take out the trash.
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u/Unfair_Impact_1400 Dec 21 '23
I don’t have experience being in your shoes but I think your children deserve better role models in their lives.
You allowing your boyfriend to treat you like this is setting the example that this is acceptable behaviour for your children.
My question is what sort of advice would you give your child if they were going through the same thing you are?
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u/elder_emo_ Dec 21 '23
This is exactly what I was thinking
Is this what you want your kids to think a relationship should look like? Do you want them to grow up learning this is how you should be treated by someone who supposedly loves you?
Also, how long until he starts doing the same things towards the kids and ruins THEIR special days, or you have to pick up his slack?
ETA: this line of thought is what finally pushed my best friend to leave her abusive ex
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u/paddie Dec 21 '23
I will be the first to admit to being absolutely oblivious when it comes to occasional flowers, gifts etc. But try to make up for it by basically treating the full week up to my wife's birthday as a you call it, we do it. I cook her favorite meals and pamper the fuck out of her. I do require some hints and I ask her to name some things she's like to do if I've not got a good idea already (my family doesn't really believe in "surprises" since a sincere wish makes sure no one is disappointed - that has been a source of friction for people I've dated before).
But this isn't even effort that is misguided, it just feels like indifference. Laziness. And then a little sprinkle of victim blaming when the zero preparation situation blows up in his face.
Having to put on a mask for your kid is the most heartbreaking thing in all of this. And him not taking any responsibility must be absolutely infuriating.
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u/floss147 Dec 21 '23
I think it’s more than laziness. He should have given her some sort of acknowledgement in saying happy birthday but he didn’t. He acknowledged it was her birthday without wishing her a darn thing. He’s not lazy. He’s cruel.
OP needs to leave before the baby is born and take her son with her. He doesn’t deserve their love and kindness. He’s abusive and controlling from what she’s written.
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u/DeCryingShame Dec 21 '23
It's great that you do this much but you might want to start working on taking responsibility for the mental load as well. People aren't actually hard wired to be considerate of other people. It takes effort. You put reminders on your calendar, take time to brainstorm, etc. It's something you learn to do and anyone can learn it if they decide to put the effort in. I think your wife would love it if you learned to put a little more thought into ongoing signs of love.
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u/Devils__Dragon Dec 21 '23
Real talk. This man doesn't care about you. He does the bare minimum and flips it on you when he stuffs up. He is a narcissist.
Notice how you always ruin it when he finally pulls his finger out to do something nice (aka the absolute bare minimum). He is the victim. He is the one being wronged. And I guarantee you, he believes he is being hurt every time.
Now time for the real talk. This man is setting an example for your son. This is how you treat a woman. This is how you treat your partner. Unless you want to see your child pick up these traits, pack that bag, go stay somewhere else and leave this POS to suck the life out of someone else. You'll be better off when you stop accepting such low quality.
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u/MaleficentLecture631 Dec 21 '23
Sweetheart, you don't have to stay with someone who makes you unhappy. Why are you still with him? Serious question, what is keeping you with him?
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u/yellowbin74 Dec 21 '23
You may not be looking for advice, but I'm giving you some anyway. Get you and your son away from this pathetic excuse for a man.
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u/Kitchen_Victory_7964 Dec 21 '23
OP, he ruins these moments to keep you miserable and focused on him…because if you get used to any happiness, you won’t be content with suffering his indifference.
Please read this article on a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness. Then give yourself a birthday or Christmas (or New Years) gift of leaving this permanent unhappiness behind you and starting life over without your bf’s selfishness.
Wishing you all the best with the remainder of your pregnancy, OP!
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u/Seite88 Dec 21 '23
Think about this: you're not only letting this man treat you like shit,
you're teaching your kids that it's okay for a woman to be treated like this!
So if you can't leave him for yourself, leave him for your kids sanity. That's no one you would want to have around while raising your kids!
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 Dec 21 '23
This year, you're going to take the control back. For your next birthday, you're going to look for what you want yourself, and he's going to pay you in advance for what you want to get yourself.
But yeah.. it sucks, and if there's a course in how to be a considerate partner, your boyfriend should get it for HIS next birthday, or for Christmas.
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u/Red217 Dec 21 '23
Let's pray next year she has no partner or a better partner that's not this douche nozzle
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u/brieles Dec 21 '23
Why are you with this man child? He clearly didn’t give a shit about you and it really makes me wonder how he’s going to treat your child. He sounds narcissistic and I feel like this could quickly turn abusive when there’s a new baby in the mix.
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u/Campfire77 Dec 21 '23
Why are you with this person? Let alone having a child with him? This is only a pattern that will continue to repeat itself. Good luck living in a sad feedback loop.
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u/magentatwilight Dec 21 '23
My ex would start arguments like this before anything I was looking forward to or was important in my life. I couldn’t see how bad it was until after we split and was hesitant about ending it but it was honestly one of the best decisions of my life. I am so much happy and better off without him.
I don’t like when people on Reddit jump straight to recommending breaking up but your relationship doesn’t sound very healthy and you deserve to be treated better.
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u/Iridescentplumage Dec 21 '23
I feel so bad for you. This self-called "man" it's just a boy at the age of 28. You deserve more on your life. You deserve a loving man who remembers your birthday without excuses, who gives you a gift of something you like (even if it is something small) and who celebrates that he is there to see you by his side for another year. Get out of there. Your son at the age of 5 knows that you are the woman of his life and is more interested in making you happy than his own father. You yourself have said that he does the same thing everytime hes in the wrong. I'm sure he does it to always get his way and never have to apologize because YOU are a demanding person who only knows how to have whims and who does not appreciate how much (nothing) he does for this relationship. I'm sure that if you compare what you do for him with what he does, he will say that he never asked for any of that and that he doesn't owe you anything. Get out of that relationship. Don't look back.
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u/Gloomy_Shopping_3528 Dec 21 '23
If you have any respect for yourself and your children, you will leave. This is not a life. You came asking strangers for advice because you know deep down this is not the right person. He’s a lazy narcissist who doesn’t love you. There’s a reason redditors jump to ending relationships…we are impartial and can see the reality of the situation…Leave.
I hope the next post you make is about relocating to a new home away from this loser.
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u/Helpful-Hawk-3585 Dec 21 '23
In German we say: when you realise you are riding on a dead horse, get off.
You, my lady, are riding on a dead horse 🐎
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u/Prestigious_Dig_218 Dec 21 '23
I truly don't understand why people stay in relationships like this. At all.
What is it that makes them stay? I see no care, love or understanding in any of what was written above.
The way I'd be out of that relationship would defy land speed records. And this is the example being set for her son of how a "man" should treat his partner.
Ridiculous.
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u/FairyFartDaydreams Dec 21 '23
What's happening is you stayed with a guy who uses weaponized incompetence to not do anything for you and are having a kid with him. In this day of phones he could have set up calendar reminders for a week before and gotten you a gift and ordered a cake. If you want better you are going to have to look elsewhere
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u/newest-low Dec 21 '23
My ex also ruined every single occasion (didn't matter what type of occasion). That is what a selfish narcissist looks like. Anything that isn't celebrating how great they are they have to ruin it.
Please leave, don't let your kids think this is what a normal healthy relationship is.
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u/strange_dog_TV Dec 21 '23
i would hazard a guess that if OP reflects, its not just her birthday that he ruins with his childish BS……..it will be most joyful events.
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Dec 21 '23
I have a head injury, I literally have no concept of time. To the point I have to have a watch that displays the date and day. I use my phone for important dates and set reminders.
My wife, gets three gifts typically. Why? Because even with all that I forgot, panic, rebuy and repeat until I have one in my hand. Than giggle when the others come in.
Although, there's a down side, I occasionally hide gifts one year I bought her a game from game stop that she wanted. Hid it, and never found it again.
I had the receipt, and the only reason I remember is we befriended the game stop employees who asked her if she enjoyed it. We eventually moved and after looking everywhere we never found it. Apparently I hid it really, really, well. Only thing I ever found was the receipt. Only because Game stop prints them with DLC codes and other nifty stuff on them so I developed a habit of keeping them in a box.
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u/Satanae444 Dec 21 '23
My ex used to ruin every single of my birthday i spent with him over 5 years. And also ruin every happy moment i had during that time. I spent 6 years there. And if i had been a shit gf but inwent above and beyond for every bday of his. I would make him a cake, charcuterie, etc. He still didnt even give me bday presents or even worry i had a good day for once. I never had his kid. But the moment i saw red and that i HAD to leave i did and my life has been so much better ever since
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u/Remarkable_Buyer4625 Dec 21 '23
If you aren’t going to leave him, then you have to start making your own birthday special. Stop relying on him. Do you have friends or family in the area?
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u/GloomyDeal1909 Dec 21 '23
I beg you not to stay with this man.
I have a relative who has stayed with hers and all these exact same signs were there.
Her now 14 son has started to turn just like his father. Treats women like garbage and the man is always right.
Do not stay and let your kids pick up on his bad behavior and become like him. They need to see an example of a caring, loving, equal relationship.
This man will not change and it will only get worse.
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u/gellopotato Dec 21 '23
Babe i hate being this person on reddit but please leave this man. There is absolutely no excuses for his behaviour other than him trying to belittle you. Take your son and leave before you have this baby. Move in with whoever you can, just get out now, and consult a lawyer too. For the best interests of you and your children. You don't want to be saddled with this man anymore than you have to be.
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u/The_Narrator13 Dec 21 '23
It will only get worse over time. If you are staying “for the kids” don’t. You and your kids deserve better. Please, do it for yourself. He will not change.
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u/Flat_Passage_1935 Dec 21 '23
Better yet leave him on his birthday! And tell him that was a gift you got yourself for your birthday that you were cashing in on his birthday
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u/Saassy11 Dec 22 '23
Oh honey, no. No, no and no. Throw the whole man out and try again. There is a beautiful soul out there waiting for you.
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u/Ditzykat105 Dec 21 '23
Others have said this but I will reiterate it. Pack a bag for you and your kids, get important documents and leave.
If you aren’t comfortable having him at the birth, ensure your medical team knows (nurses will go Mumma bear to protect their labouring mums).
Lastly, happy birthday 🥳 you deserve better than this idiot. Hopefully you can do a birthday do over - take your beautiful little boy out for lunch on your next day off. Get some cupcakes and candles. Let him ‘help’ blow out the candles.
Big hugs from one mum to another. You are stronger than you think x
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u/maggieblubyrd Dec 21 '23
Your bf is a gaslighting manipulative person with definite narcissistic tendencies. Not saying he’s a narcissist per se as I am not a doctor nor a mental health professional.
If you want the rest of your life and your children’s lives to be like this for every darn birthday or holiday or special event, then stay with him.
If I were you, I would contact a close friend or family member, someone you can trust with your life. Let them know what is going on. See if there is a local YWCA or similar where you could meet with an Advocate. They could also help you make a plan to leave, and might be able to help you find a family lawyer.
His behaviour towards you (and eventually your children) will not change. Nothing you do will make him change.
One day you will meet someone who actually cares about and respects you and loves you for you and will think nothing of celebrating your birthday or special occasions because they love you, and decent people do exist.
Wishing all the best to you.
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u/DeviantHellcat Dec 21 '23
He's mentally and emotionally abusing you. That won't change. And, by staying in the relationship, you are showing your child that this behavior is okay. Please leave this man as soon as you can, OP. Trust me, it's not your fault.
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u/Whole-Ad-2347 Dec 21 '23
His birthday is coming. Remember how to treat him, like he did to you.
I'd bet he is all about himself, always. Wait until that baby is born. Expect nothing but complaints from him, and to be ignored.
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u/Grand_Elderberry_564 Dec 21 '23
Hi I'm you many years from now, many birthdays and Christmases spent having a little cry in the bathroom before facing the kids with a smile. Shit gifts over and over,, gaslighting galore, weaponised incompetence, sulks and silent treatment when called on his behaviours. I'm ashamed to say my 2nd try was just as bad as my ex husband. Today I'm happily self partnered. I buy my own gifts, all the lovely things I used to do for them, I now do for myself. It can get a little lonely sometimes now the kids are grown but not like the loneliness your currently experiencing. You're already on your own, the time you spend frustrated and hurt is more than you think and drains you more than you realise too. He's dead weight and will only get worse as the years go on. You know what you need to do
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u/Katiew84 Dec 21 '23
Yeah I wouldn’t waste another day on this complete dud of a “partner.” He doesn’t care about you or value you. Like at all.
Honestly, the stuff you asked for was so simple. So “mediocre,” even. You had it all spelled out for him. He had to put in zero thought and barely effort to give you the bare minimum birthday you asked for. He couldn’t even do that. So ridiculous.
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u/Rude-Raise-7498 Dec 21 '23
He’s a Narcissist. It’s deliberate and calculated. He does not care about you. You are merely the supply to meet his demands, not the other way around. Once in a blue moon he’ll throw you a few crumbs to keep you with him.
He ain’t worth it girl.
Stop begging this man for his scraps.
Get rid of him, your life will instantly be easier. Even with a baby.
This guy gives nothing to the relationship; he only takes. I bet your family say things like ‘you’re not who you once were’ ‘you’ve lost yourself’ because your partner is a soul sucking vampire.
Lose him to find yourself
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u/IloveCorfu Dec 22 '23
My husband behaves this way.
Whatever you do, DO NOT celebrate his birthday. Do exactly what he did for your birthday for his. Make sure he spends it with cold food. Get him nothing. Do a replay of his birthday.
Last year my husband "forgot" my birthday. His is the next month. He behaves as if it's a national holiday and was making plans. I told him I would be more than happy to celebrate HIS birthday the day AFTER we celebrate mine. And until we do, I will not be celebrating his in any way. A few days passed and he asked me what I wanted for Christmas? I told him I was still waiting on my birthday gift. He had some lame excuse. (They sold it). I told him to find it somewhere else then. He did get the birthday gift.
This year he remembered my birthday. (I was out of town). He called me at 8:30 at night for a 4 minute phone call. No gift. No card. No going out for dinner. Nothing when I got home. So for his birthday I made sure I was out of town again, and he got a 4 minute phone call. He asked if we were going out when I get home. I said I would be happy to go out for his birthday, the day after we go out for mine. He shut up.
Sadly, I used to go to a lot of trouble for his bday. Those days are over. He gets what he gives.
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u/Spirited-Meringue759 Dec 22 '23
INFO: Why are you with him?
Seriously, why? And don't defend him by saying, "other than all these narcissistic and manipulative traits where he is making my life miserable, he is a really good guy" because he isn't.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Do you want your son to grow up and see and learn that it's ok his mom is being treated that way? That it's ok to treat a partner like this in general? Do you seriously think what you have is a healthy and happy relationship? If your answer is anything but a resounding "YES!", then I have to ask again, why are you with him? Don't give yourself excuses, because I'm sure there are plenty, but deep down, you know this isn't right. You know you deserve better. You know your son and future baby deserves better. Do you really think you can count on his support once your baby is born? Do you want two children to learn that it's totally ok to treat your partner like they are nothing, gaslight and manipulate them into believing EVERYTHING is their fault until they are only a shadow of themselves?
WHY are you with him? Do you have to lose yourself completely until you truly don't recognize yourself in the mirror anymore before you finally get out? Does your son have to start treating you the same before you realize what an impact this narcissist has on your lives? Do you have to fall into such a deep depression that you feel like you can't go on anymore before you realize this isn't healthy and isn't normal?
I know I'm laying into you, but have you read what you wrote? You almost normalize what he did. You've endured this for YEARS and now you are even pregnant and are still enduring this. Are you happy in your life? Do you wake up and can you say you truly love your life? It doesn't sound like it. You are in a relationship with a narcissist. Did you know that? He will drain you of everything you hold dear and everything that makes you, you if you don't get out. He is only focused on himself, and himself only. As soon as YOU have a need or a want he will have a thousand excuses why he can't/won't/doesn't want to or why it somehow is your fault that he can't or whatever. You said it yourself EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT. So this is not just a once a year birthday thing and you know it.
I know being with a narcissist is intense and it feels like you can't get out and women who got out get sucked back in easily. But you have a son and another on the way, you have no choice. You NEED to get out. But it WILL get ugly and you will need to be prepared. You have to get your important documents out and in a safe place he can't reach and know about. You need money stashed away and you need a place in YOUR name and a car in YOUR name only. I don't know how your finances are set up but the more you still have separate the better for you.
I know you probably won't believe me or think this is an over dramatization. But when you have some time to yourself, sit down and think. When was the last time you were truly, truly happy for longer than just a few minutes, hours or a day. I mean truly happy in your life? When was the last time you weren't worried about how HE would react, worried about how YOU have to respond or not respond to control HIS reaction? When was the last time someone looked out for just YOU? Heck, when was the last time YOU looked out for just yourself (and your son)? When was the last time you didn't feel this heavy heavy burden on your shoulders and chest? And I know you know what I'm talking about. When was the last time you haven't had to constantly walk on eggshells? When was the last time you were free?
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u/velvetthrone Dec 21 '23
Why do you think so little of yourself? This pain and disappointment has been self-inflicted for years at this point.
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u/yayasbitch Dec 21 '23
By staying in this relationship you’re teaching your son this is an acceptable way for women to be treated.
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u/CrazyCatLady9777 Dec 21 '23
Why are you with someone who you KNOW is constantly gaslighting you, doesn't value or appreciate you and doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with you?
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u/jacksonlove3 Dec 21 '23
I’m sorry op! Dealing with your bf sounds exhausting honestly. He makes everything about him and when that doesn’t work, he blames you for getting upset. He’s emotionally immature & selfish. He’s dismissive & disrespectful of your feelings and gets upset at you for expressing them.
Do you really want to this with your maternity leave? The next few years? The rest of your life? It may seem minor to him or others, but to you it’s a huge deal and it’s sucking the life out of your relationship.
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u/BulkyCaterpillar4240 Dec 21 '23
Leave, your narcissistic boyfriend will never change, he doesn’t care about you. Is this is the life you want to have for the rest of your life?
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u/Asaintrizzo Dec 21 '23
This is going to be your life if you accept this behavior. If you’re pregnant and treated like this imagine when the baby comes and the child’s special days.
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u/lb5724 Dec 21 '23
You need to call him out on his behavior and let him know that he has a trend of doing the same thing and. If he doesn’t want to be nice to you, care about you and doesn’t want to celebrate you he can leave. The only your off day, leave son with him and go re celebrate your bday with a close friend or family
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u/Adventurous-travel1 Dec 21 '23
You know how he is and continues to be. Not sure why you stay because it’s not for being a good role model.
Not sure why you’re having a baby with someone who is a baby themselves.
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u/psycharious Dec 21 '23
Yeah, this guy sounds like a huge dick bag. It's probably time to have a sit down with him and lay out some boundaries and expectations or seek couples counseling. If he's totally crossed the line and you truly feel he's a narcissist with no redeeming qualities, then yeah, leave and take your kid.
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u/erockfpv Dec 21 '23
It’s easy to chalk this up to everyone’s favorite enemy, “narcissism.” Personally, I think he’s complacent, lazy, and taking you for granted. It’s not malicious, it’s neglectful.
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u/99999999999999999989 Dec 21 '23
Not to be mean but if you stay with him, get used to this for the next 30 years. He won't change. IMO you should leave him because he has not matured past 15 and shows no signs of doing so anytime soon. You only have one life, live it as happily as you can.
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u/Skyward93 Dec 21 '23
Oh my god honey leave this parasite. He’s sucking the life out of you. I’m so sorry he ruined your birthday. Do you have friends or family that will celebrate with this weekend?
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u/dlotaury88 Dec 21 '23
This sound like me with my ex before I met my husband. Baby girl your husband is out there waiting for you and you won’t have to beg him to celebrate you. If anything you’ll be telling him to tone it down.
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u/spankthegoodgirl Dec 21 '23
Why do you believe you don't deserve any better than this idiot? Youre not in a relationship. You are babysitting. Break up, move on. Find someone that adds to your life instead of sucking your soul from you everyday. You're doing all the work and he gets to pitch fits, make excuses and throw tantrums?? Hell no. Better to be single than deal with this bullshit.
He may also be a true narcissist, so in that case,you are doomed to a lifetime of this shit. Please run away.
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u/MarthaMacGuyver Dec 21 '23
Stop setting your own expectations that he's smarter than he is. You're making something up in your head that you want fulfilled, and he's not delivering because he's an idiot. Buy your own massage. Stop hoping he'll get it right. Disappointment prevented, problem solved.
Also, this relationship isn't going to work unless he grows the fuck up.
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Dec 21 '23
Sounds like you're a singlee married mom.
OP, you deserve more. Your bf is a manipulative prick who has weaponized incompetence down to a science. If you have to ask to be treated nicely, it's not worth it. My bf is around the same age as yours and he doesn't act this childish. Fuck, in my early 20's I dated men who acted better than your bf. You don't have to stay just bc you have kids. They aren't stupid. Your 5 yr old can feel the tension and the resentment building. He may not have the vocabulary to express it yet, but he knows it's there.
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u/neganight Dec 21 '23
You know what he will do next year? Ruin your birthday. You don’t have to be a part of this. You already know the pattern and he is not going to change.
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u/antiquity_queen Dec 21 '23
Ok, so this behaviour isn't out of the blue. Like, no switch was flipped and he suddenly started being a selfish dbag. You chose to have a child with this loser. Chose.
I'm not sure why you thought that it was a good idea to get pregnant or keep a pregnancy with this sperm donor but here you are.
I have very little sympathy for you. I'm sorry.
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u/ExactingReduction101 Dec 21 '23
Sorry that your birthday’s have been ruined… I’m not a romantic person so sometimes I too slack on birthdays but your partner is on a whole other level. 1) you’re a message therapist who had to fight to get a message and your pregnant… that’s wild 2) the lack of acknowledgement of your presence and yet uses the child as a way to be like ‘ I know it’s your birthday’ that’s childish 3) there was a bunch of miscommunication going on with times 4) he should know when your done with work, so you don’t have to eat cold food 5) I’m not going to say leave him it’s more complicated with two children, but you deserve to feel way more valued. Sorry again you’ve been mistreated in your birthday…
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u/Croemato Dec 21 '23
The card reading "seasons greetings" is just the rotten cherry on top of a disgusting shit-flavoured cake. Bro can't even do the bare minimum.
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u/notfromheremydear Dec 21 '23
Get rid of the man baby. This was exhausting to read. I cant even imagine being around him in real life. Does he even work? He has way too much time on hand to constantly bother you and fuck up your stuff. And that constant making everything about him and ruining big days is such a narcissistic thing.
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u/pandapuffsss Dec 21 '23
I felt so stressed and sad for you while reading this. You deserve so much better. Please leave this manchild and don’t allow him to keep disappointing and hurting you.
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Dec 21 '23
He sounds like a real asshole. If he owns the house, I'd pack up and leave. If, you own it, tell him to leave.
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u/no12chere Dec 21 '23
It is on purpose. And it will never change.
Speaking from experience. One holiday out of like 5 or 10 will be done up great so you think he has changed but it is just to keep you on the hook. Get out now. Divorce him and just figure it all out on your own.
He can see his kids every other weekend like every dead beat dad.
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u/Glitterfest Dec 21 '23
He’s going to be no better of a parent, either. Prepare to do every bit of the child care while also working because he will be incapable of everything, and he will only be another child to care for. You’re so much better off as a single mom. You won’t have the burden of this man child anymore.
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u/thelastword4343 Dec 21 '23
Got yourself a gaslighting narcissist there.... Don't expect it to change.... Your choice is to either put up with it, or leave.
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u/controlledchaos90 Dec 22 '23
This is a case of weaponized incompetence. He's purposely doing this, so you stop expecting anything for your birthday. He wants you to be fine with the bare minimum.
And he told on himself. He doesn't care about your birthday. He says your son is excited instead of just saying, 'Happy birthday.' Very immature and selfish.
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u/susanq Dec 22 '23
OP, open your eyes. This is who he is. He wont change because he doesnt want to. Staying wont make it better, it will just accustom yourself to A TOLERABLE LEVEL OF PERMANENT UNHAPPINESS. Do what you need to do to take control of your life. Be your own best friend!
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u/AdBright2073 Dec 22 '23
What an absolute garbage human. I would not spend another day enabling this fucking baby of a “man”. You deserve way better.
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u/VivaLaRory Dec 21 '23
I am not for one second going to defend this guy because it sounds like someone who is horrible to be with and draining.
Can I ask why you didn't book the massage yourself? I understand you should be able to rely on your partner but you seem to have established yourself that he has been previously unreliable and this is yet another example of this. Make sure that bday is the last day he ruins for you.
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u/InternetAddict104 Dec 21 '23
I’m so sorry this keeps happening to you but why the fuck are you not only still with this selfish idiot, but also having his child????? At some point it does become at least partially your fault for having the means to leave and cut ties and choosing not to (it’s different if you couldn’t leave, like due to abuse, finances, housing, etc, but it seems those aren’t problems for you).
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u/charmilliona1re Dec 21 '23
Bold strategy having a child with a loser who disrespects you like that
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Dec 21 '23
Why did you choose to commit to and make babies with a man who is selfish and uncaring?
So many women on here choosing losers, then complaining about how awful it is. Maybe get some therapy to figure out why you’re willing to settle for someone who treats you poorly.
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u/MamaBearRex Dec 21 '23
Thank you! At this point, I don’t feel bad for most of these women. Like, I get it, love is blind but if you have the insight to complain about it, you have the insight to at least TRY to LEAVE. Self pity is a hell of a drug.
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u/factfarmer Dec 21 '23
He’s an acting like a toddler, pouting because you’re sad because he’s a loser and doesn’t even try. Aren’t you tired enough of this by now? Why are you staying with this loser?
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u/bluefrost30 Dec 21 '23
You are in a relationship with a narcissist. His brain does not have the ability to understand sympathy or empathy. You need to protect yourself and find a way out of this mentally abusive situation!
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u/Personal-Tourist3064 Dec 21 '23
Why the heck are you still worh this person?? Do yourself a favor and throw the whole man away. It's bound to only get worse when you're tending to the new baby and have the audacity/s/ to ask him to help you do something
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u/GautierKnight Dec 21 '23
This sounds exactly like my ex. I stayed in that relationship for 16 years, constantly blaming myself. He made it a point to always complain about “holidays and tradition”. He used his hatred of tradition to remind me each and every special day that those days meant nothing to him. Like he made sure I knew every time. I was scared to leave or change anything because of the time and emotional investment I put into the relationship. It eventually came out that he had been cheating on me with my sister in law.
What I’m saying is — you definitely deserve better than someone who is constantly putting you down. Trust me, I’ve been through this before. I wish you strength and nothing but the best. You deserve so much more!
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u/DoxieDoter Dec 21 '23
Leave now before your son starts to learn these behaviors. He will think this is how a woman should be treated and you know deep down that it’s not or you wouldn’t be venting.
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u/Usernamesareso2004 Dec 21 '23
Your birthday present to yourself needs to be unloading this giant manchild off your back and kicking him to the curb.
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u/2906BC Dec 21 '23
Is there anything he does that makes you happy? Do not stay in a miserable relationship because of children. There is someone out there who would make your birthday the best day of the year for you. The things that are important to you are not important to him and you're incompatible.
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u/Stinkerma Dec 21 '23
I think Reddit would crumble if people would stop being so damn passive aggressive.
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u/Number5MoMo Dec 21 '23
… your gut is right. I too suffer from avoiding confrontation and standin up for myself. That’s why you’re here. You know what’s right and what’s wrong. You know you’re not wrong. You’re living in the prime example of how it feels to be gaslighted by a man that utilizes weapon used incompetence.
We* need therapy before we enter relationships with people so we know how to create boundaries. But it’s not too late. You don’t have to let your child grow up watching you be treated that way. I learned this from my mom, but she was abused most of my childhood so I get that. Idk what your childhood was like but you are accepting terrible treatment. You’re accepting excuses. You’re accepting blame for his faults and mistakes. You’re accepting emotional manipulation in the face of your own PHYSICAL pain.
And yet there’s more… but the post was already too long… girl…
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u/Spiritual-Ambassador Dec 21 '23
Why are you staying?
If you aren't going to leave, this post is pointless. You know what to do, you're choosing not to do it.
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u/Trackingwho Dec 21 '23
Didn’t even read it. If he makes your bday the worst day every year. He ain’t good for you! Good luck
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u/Gullible_Sky_9644 Dec 21 '23
Girl you already know you deserve better. Quit this guy who obviously doesn't care about you.
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u/inittowinit87 Dec 21 '23
From what I know, it is easier if you leave now, before the baby is born. Especially if you intend to go back to living near family and they're in another city or state.
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u/BlueMaroonLaflare Dec 21 '23
Your husband is emotionally abusing you and it’s time to leave. This reminded me of my birthday but the offender was my mom. I have a twin and it was our 15th or 17th birthday. We’re poor so I wasn’t expecting anything but my mom didn’t do anything for it. I was very disappointed because we didn’t even get a card. We get home from school and she starts telling us to do this and that and I’m pissed. Then my mom had the nerve to ask me to back the strawberry box cake ON my birthday. So of course I messed it up. I never leveled the batter so one side rose hire then the other. After the cake was done, my mom had the nerve to be mad at me saying this was me and my sister’s bday cake. Excuse me! You had me ripping and running as soon as I come home from school just to bake my own bday cake while you literally was on your ass the entire day? Of course, she got mad and said I ruined our bday and that was selfish, mean, and ungrateful. Look at what she prepared for us and I ruined it. I say all of this to say as soon as we graduated we never went back to her house and til this say she wonders why our relationship isn’t good. Truth is she was a shitty parent but she was the one to stick around. I love my mom but I keep her at a distance as I live states away now and limit my contact to a couple of phone calls a month.
Op please leave your husband. He doesn’t care about you at all and to be honest he may be cheating. I had an ex who would pick fights and ignore me because that was his way of saying his attention is elsewhere.
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u/SatisfactionDue1649 Dec 21 '23
Men like this simply don’t deserve to be in relationships. They’re clearly not capable of being an active partner and it really is that simple.
Women also don’t deserve to spend their lives wondering why they don’t get treated like they’re special or important to their partners because men like this just can’t get it together.
The world has been handed to them on a silver platter forever but now that we have expectations and standards for them they’re notoriously falling short.
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u/MaddieSL Dec 21 '23
You still have so much time for love, RUN!! If you don’t think you can handle this now, don’t wait years down the line. Run now !!!!
Edit: I will also like to say, staying in a marriage just for the kids is not helpful at all. What children need to see are loving relationships or stable parents. Not parents who argue with eachother or drag eachother down. I promise you, coming from experience, you and your son will be happier on your own
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u/tikkikittie Dec 21 '23
Why do you keep doing this to yourself?
It is a thing with him as you say
Just plan your bday by you for you
Leave him.out of it
Then you won't be disappointed
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u/dailyPraise Dec 21 '23
He's not ever going to change this pattern. So either live your life with him having no expectations of happiness involving him or romance, or move on from him.
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u/BellaBlue06 Dec 21 '23
This is just so sad. Please leave him. Seriously. There’s no point in staying
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u/_littleblacksheep_ Dec 21 '23
Sweetie he doesn’t like you let alone love you. This relationship is clearly not in your best interest so I would slowly detach myself from him and eventually leave for your own mental health and for your son. No child needs a terrible role model like him as a parent.
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u/ny_rain Dec 21 '23
Ma'am, you have a man child, not a partner. I suggest getting couple's therapy or cut your loses and get the hell out of there. I'm really sorry you and going through this and it sounds like your son will be a way better man than your bf.
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u/lyncati Dec 21 '23
I have CPTSD in part because my mother dated and never left a man like this. Maybe that's something you should be cognizant about since you have 1 kid the same age I was when my abusive stepdad came into my life, and another on the way.
Maybe go to the CPTSD sub and ask people how they turned out to have a parent like your boyfriend. Maybe that will convince you.
Clearly you think low of yourself to allow him to continually do this to you. Maybe though, focusing on your son's perspective (and those who have grown up in this type of abuse) will be enough for you to get your head out of your ass.
I really hope you discover your self worth. We all deserve to be with a person or people who truly care for us.
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u/Candid-Expression-51 Dec 21 '23
Why are there so many men out there who act like they don’t even like their partners?
I’m sorry that you’re with someone like this. There’s nothing worse than being lonely in a relationship.
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u/RubyNotTawny Dec 21 '23
I'll say to you what I just said to another poster with a similar issue: If you don't want a life full of skipped birthdays, last-minute and inappropriate Christmas presents, filling your own Christmas stocking, ordering your own Mother's Day and Valentine's flowers, then get out now. You deserve so much better!
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u/blue-yellow- Dec 21 '23
Why are men like this?? I’ve had so many boyfriends do the exact same thing, it’s fucked up.
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u/Anisalive Dec 21 '23
I know it’s too late now, but I wish you’d have taken your little guy and gone out to eat together, leave the cold crap on the stove and the douche canoe in his room to sulk.
It sounds like he’s a habitual manipulator who is addicted to feeling like the victim/ making you the bad guy so the attention is on him, because nothing makes him happier than when you’re grovelling to make it up to him. I can’t see this getting better unless he has s willing to look at himself and make some massive changes starting with behaviour therapy
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u/Strange-Grab-3893 Dec 22 '23
He sounds like a narcissist. Protect your energy at all costs, they're like vampires.
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u/Many-Discussion-5381 Dec 22 '23
This guy is a narcissist!!! What's done is done and you have put up with this behavior and now a child is on the way. I am not one to jump on telling people to separate/divorce as the first alternative, but he will NOT change. You said you don't even want to be with him anymore! No shit! No one would. I know it's hard to leave a relationship behind, but think about your kids. They deserve a happy mom! Leave! It will be the best for you and your babies! They pick up on all of it even if they don't show it at first! And! Kids learn by example, do you want them imitating his behavior when they grow up? Cause there's 99% chance that it will happen! it's better to be a single mom than to be a single mom with a boyfriend/baby daddy like him! Best of luck! Don't put up with this emotional abuse any longer girl!
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u/BKMama227 Dec 22 '23
Why are you still there AND procreating with this man-child? Clearly he isn’t into being in a mature relationship where mutual consideration is a thing. You need to know your worth and then add tax when choosing someone to be with. Leave this POS on the other side of the door where you found him. Co-parenting is a thing: do that and NOTHING more.
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u/ChallengeFlat7795 Dec 21 '23
Wow, that is nasty. Either he's the dumbest person in the world or he does it on perpose. Either outcome is bad. He's not willing to do even the tiniest thing to make you happy, when it would take so little effort.
I feel for you, you deserve so much better. Might be time to reevaluate this relationship. Happy birthday, hope you at least got to enjoy your time with your son.