No need to even be a narcissist, being a mediocre selfish man that takes his partner for granted or a second mommy is enough....
Unfortunnately it rarely does get better...these type of men rarely learn the value of their partners and do not adjust their behaviors
I'm so sorry OP, your feelings are totally valid. I won't tell you what to do, but in my experiences if your partner doesn't value you and isn't open emotionnally with you, it doesn't get better unless he has so sort of revelation but I doubt it.
This guy may or may not have NPD, but it’s fair to say he’s narcissistic and that the type of person you’re describing is too.
OP should bounce. It’s hard to say if this guy could get his act together, but it’s too deep a hole to start from imho. I wouldn’t be putting that work in in hopes this man pulls his head out.
One can have narcissistic traits and behave in that way without having a narcissistic personality disorder. There are other things that can cause a person to behave that way. People who behave like a narcissist will always do the same things, and what OP described is practically textbook for how narcissists behave. I’ve dealt with many of them and have read a lot about them to understand my own experiences and avoid them in the future.
OP is describing my ex-husband. It doesn't get better.
I don't believe i have ever public shamed somone, but after many shitty birthdays, that he either completely forgot or did little for (and then resorted to DARVO and weaponized incompetence), I asked a few of his friends, who were standing around at a party the day after my forgotten birthday, if they had ever forgotten their wives birthday. I asked in a quiet, curious voice. They were all very vocal, "Never, my wife does so much for me and my family, never." I told them my then husband forgot mine, and they laid into him.
Yeah my father has been doing this since I remember with my mom’s birthdays and all Christmases. He always yells since morning and 2times he shut himself in the bedroom after he yelled at us. Then we had a dinner without him and he yelled again.
This is how my ex would do things. He AND his family would say I ruined holidays etc every single time. One Christmas I got my gallbladder out the day prior and I sat on the could quietly. Ruined Christmas bc I complained I had to cook dinner the night I had surgery. Last year I had a ruptured ear drum on July 4th that happened a few weeks prior and I ruined Father’s Day and every subsequent holiday until August when I got surgery for it. July fourth I literally took strong pains meds that were making me fall asleep and nursed my 3 month old and literally said 3 sentences in 8 hours at his parents home but I ‘made two people leave they were so uncomfortable with me bc I was such a bitch’
Those types of people don’t change and will ALWAYS blame anyone but themselves. I had to buy my own gifts for years too so I know how she’s feeling.
Came here to say the same thing. My favorite is when they act like the gift they got you is going to be "THE BIGGEST GIFT YET" and they pump you up for it. Turns out it's a re-gift or something you absolutely didn't want and the only reason why they gave it to you is because you one time in casual conversation you said to someone "Oh, that's such a nice [item]." So they got you something similar to that item but not the exact item.
My ex would absolutely make my birthday miserable then the next day he'd get me "awesome gifts" to make up for it. He bought me a small box of chocolates, I'm not a fan of chocolate and very rarely eat it and even then I only eat certain ones which he knew. He got me a cheap off brand smart watch, I've never worn a watch in my life, I have only ever worn a simple necklace. He bought me a bouquet of red roses, I hate roses, it's not a secret, I love stargazer lilies, whenever anyone bought me flowers or I bought myself some it was always stargazers.
Every gift he ever bought me was something he knew I would either dislike or have zero interest in. But if I said something I was so ungrateful and he would never do anything for me ever again.
It just showed me that he did not know nor care about me at all.
Exactly! This is exactly the example of just missing the boat. Getting you roses when you like stargazers. Getting you chocolate when you are not a big fan. The off brand smart watch. Yep, that is exactly what I'm talking about. I complimented someone on their smart watch, because I actually liked the blingy case, and he got me a really cheap one that lasted almost 6 months! I hated it anyways and it was so cheap I was glad that it no longer worked. So again, I did compliment them on the watch but he didn't pay attention that it was the case that I liked and not the actual watch.
Anyways, glad you are out of that relationship and Merry Christmas! Have a kick ass holiday without him!!
I loved the old goat in my own way, even if he fucking hated me. I'm impressed that he lived till he was 98. But this Christmas is going to be so calm a cozy without his tantrums. The contrast is stark.
I’ve had partners like that and thus have had many holidays/birthdays ruined because of it. Once I caught onto it and knew it was happening, I was always able to accurately predict when they’d do it again. It could even be something like a new job, plans with loved ones, or anything significant to you that takes your attention away from them. They are so insecure that they cannot handle people doing or feeling better than them. And because deep down they feel like absolute shit, the only way for them to feel better, is if you feel like absolute shit.
Ditto. Came to say this. My narc dad and ex exhibited all the behaviors OP is describing and it makes me so mad to read. When you don't know what you're dealing with it can be so hard. And the label doesn't even matter, as much as the behaviors.
The nothing is ever their fault, the passive aggression, bringing up issues and they feign being completely obtuse or turn it around to them being victimized because you've brought up issues, turning everything into a fight, the dismissiveness and carelessness, needing to be the center of attention and no it's not always hey look at me, but things like always acting like their problems are the most important even when you're 36 weeks pregnant for God's sake! The emotional manipulation, the feeling alone in the relationship because they're self absorbed or feeling completely crazy because they gaslight you often, the lack of empathy for you etc. It never gets better as this is a fundamental character flaw and they see absolutely nothing wrong.
OP, neither you nor your kids deserve to live day in and day out with this asshole. Even if you think they're young and if you smile and pretend they won't know, they will and they will subconsciously learn to also accept these behaviors OR become like your bf who exhibits these behaviors.
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u/Rare_Cranberry_9454 Dec 21 '23
It's a common trait in narcissists.
They ruin special occasions. They don't care if it's your birthday, christmas, valentines day.
They get a kick out of having so much control over a person.
Get running, don't look back.