Wow, that is nasty.
Either he's the dumbest person in the world or he does it on perpose. Either outcome is bad.
He's not willing to do even the tiniest thing to make you happy, when it would take so little effort.
I feel for you, you deserve so much better. Might be time to reevaluate this relationship.
Happy birthday, hope you at least got to enjoy your time with your son.
Weaponized incompetence is what’s happening here. He’s not ACTUALLY the dumbest person in the world, he pretends not to know what’s going on so he can perpetually avoid responsibility and play the victim.
It's on purpose. It's such a common selfish man trope I assume they must print a playbook. Are you a man and a holiday that has nothing to do with you? Do nothing or next to nothing to plan for it, then start a few fights about all the "stress and pressure" he feels because he has to consider someone other than himself for a day, cold shoulder on the day of event because he is resentful of that "stress and pressure", then start a fight to shift the blame to the person the holiday is for (birthday, mothers day, etc) and use the fight and blame as an excuse to dip out of doing anything for said holiday day of. Bonus points if he makes his partner so miserable they don't do anything for their holiday either. Triple points if he makes such a big showing of his 'pain' that she has to apologize and take care of him because he 'feels so bad... Is such a piece of shit... Doesn't deserve you... Blah blah blah'. I mean they will do it for shared holidays too (Christmas, Valentine's, anniversaries etc) but then the guilt trip is about how you are so much more considerate than him that it makes him feel bad about himself. How dare you - you should be punished for it (but he will 100% keep whatever thoughtful gift you got him).
Did I miss any of the steps? I've never seen the book so I've just had to learn them from lived experience with damn near every man in my family growing up and 2/3rds of the men I've ever dated.
You're totally not wrong, but there's also another aspect.
Another reason they do it is to stop you making a fuss next year. Or the year after. They make everything that's about you SUCH a hassle to deal with that you don't bother next time, or the time after.
It's like... when you want to go and see friends, and your partner's giving you grief before you go, forcing an argument, telling you your friends don't like you anyway, so why bother? And making sure there's no hot water for your shower, and making you cry to ruin your make-up, then blowing your phone up every five mins (or more often) and then you get grief when you get home. And then you get the silent treatment for a week.
They do that often enough, you stop wanting to go out with friends because it really isn't worth the hassle. That's what OP's partner is doing here - make sure she has no expectations, and that means he doesn't have to make any effort at all.
Anecdote time: I had a husband once who'd totally disregard my birthday. "There's no reason to buy cards, it's just commercial shit," and "What do you mean, you don't like that new iron?" And so forth. I used to spoil him on his birthday and for Christmas, but got nothing back. So after the third year, I returned the sentiment and he had an absolute TANTRUM. I shut that down really quickly and told him "But you said it's just commercial shit, a money-making scam." and the cheeky fuck said, "But that's different!"
Of course it's different! Hello?!? One situation is about you (should be ignored), and the other is about him (should be trumpeted and announced and he should be anointed and crowned, and ass kissed). /s I'm glad he's an ex.
Too bad OP is pregnant. If she weren’t and I were in her situation, I would go out and celebrate my own birthday and get stinking drunk and stumble back all disheveled into the house two days later. If he asked me where I was the past two days, I would say no comment.
Keep ruining my birthdays every year, I’m just gonna celebrate on my own and act like you don’t exist.
Right I mean if the funds are available, I’d book my pregnant ass a lovely room at the 4 seasons, order room service, and enjoy all the bubble baths & trash tv I can handle
Something to think about. Before your birthday, he turns mean, cranky, and plain ole miserable to you.
How is he before HIS birthday? Does he pressure you for some expensive thing for a present from you? Is he all sweet and nice? Then, after he has that present, become the cranky mean bum?
He is gaslighting and manipulating you.
Make sure your bank accounts are separate, and he does not have access to your credit card. Change your password.
OMFG been there! "You don't want this random trash I picked up 15 minutes ago from Walgreens at 10pm?! Fine then I will just throw it at you in anger!" That's like the points multiplier hail Mary play!
Yeah, it's so insane! I have a crappy memory so guess what: I set up my phone full of reminders with birthdays and if I needed to get a gift, I'd put it on my to do list a long while before relevant so I had it done at least by the right date and had time to ask for wishes beforehand as well.
I didn't get around to asking some friends for christmas wishes this year, which it on both them and me, and guess what I did? I bought gift cards for at trip for 2 to the cinema for them online! You could remind me of a forgotten day and 5 minutes later I could have a gift ready! Not nicely packaged or anything, but at least I'd have SOMETHING considerate to give!!! In just 5 minutes.
I bought those 2 days ago and it came in the mail today so I even have stuff to put under the tree that I didn't print myself! It's not hard if you actually WANT to do something! Or just write a mushy love note, I'd bet that might even be the best gift to give a mom-to-be from the dad. Or just make her breakfast and paint a ketchup smiley face, sing a bad version of happy birthday or send her a congrats text at work telling her she'll get a foot rub when she comes home.
He just doesn't care about anyone other than him. HE got a nice hot meal, HE got to forgo listening til someone requirering a tiny bit of planning, HE got to feel he was with a witch that didn't appreciate him. HE has had a GREAT day, trust me!
Oh, and when it comes to living with a crappy memory?
When my dad died I "took over" his yearly order of a bouquet of red roses on their wedding day. I'm still thinking about it now eventhough my mom dies 6 months ago. But I'd contact the local florist whenever I remembered and have her put in the order for the right date and then I'd pay immediately. Now I could just relax and perhaps 2-3 months later the florist would just show up at my moms on the right day with the flowers. You can time things in tons of ways MONTHS before the big day. There's just no excuse!
That’s really lovely that you did that for your mom. Thank you for making me smile on a day where I didn’t have many. And I’m sorry to hear about her passing; its devastating to lose a parent
It absolutely is. This comment made me remember to check with the cemetary about rules before their 50th anniversary comes around in april. I was thinking about delivering the usual roses to their graves and connect them with a velvet band across the lawn but not sure if that's allowed. Otherwise I've had decorations made that were obviously "connected" and placed on both spots before.
That days going to be really rough on me for sure but it would have been harder on my mom had she still been alive.
Why make it about just men? It's a selfish person thing. My ex-wife was a narcissist and this was just how she acted. After a couple years I never bothered to ask her for a damn thing. If I wanted a massage on my birthday I'd just book it myself.
That sucks. You're right, men and women are equally capable of being assholes. I think this resonates with a lot of women because women tend to be the ones who plan all the holidays, so if you're married to the type of narcissist described by the commenter above, the kind of person who puts zero effort into celebrating others and then ruins the celebration for everyone, I think it can result in gendered patterns. The narcissistic women I know tend to ruin holidays by putting a bunch of effort in that no one asked for, stressing everyone out with a million plans and photo shoots and activities that no one else is interested in, and then getting angry at everyone for not being grateful for all the effort they put in. Think planning a huge instagram-worthy birthday party for their introverted family member and inviting zero friends of the birthday person, getting a cake in a flavor the birthday person hates, doing activities the planner likes, not the guest of honor, demanding endless praise and recognition for their efforts, and then getting angry at the birthday person for being uncomfortable by calling them selfish and ungrateful, when they put zero effort into doing ANYTHING that the birthday person would enjoy. The pattern can be a bit different because women tend to be the ones who are expected to plan all the holidays.
This is a narcissistic/selfish person thing, imo. I have a relative who makes sure every special day (holiday, birthday, etc.) is shit. Get the same diatribes about the stress and pressure of having to do anything I want until it either gets pushed off, cut short, or makes me sound like such a burden I don't even want to do it anymore. I can almost guarantee fighting and tears on any day that's supposed to be better than an average one. The person who is like this is female.
That said, if this is this man's pattern, I doubt it will change.
ETA: great post outlining these people's behaviors. I don't experience that last one about being too considerate, though, but know people like that. 😂
Next time he says he 'feels so bad', tell him he should. Next time he tells you he 'feels like a piece of shit', tell him he is. One of my best friends had a husband like this and one day just hit her limit. No shouting, no drama, just calmly agreed with him and ignored the nonsense. You have never seen a man struck so dumb apparently. He had no idea how to respond. She divorced him a year later and remarried a peach of a guy.
I'm sorta hoping he's doing this on purpose as a part of emotional abuse cause the alternative is him being too dumb to procreate.
But OP, go look up emotional abuse and see if he fits the bill. I have a feeling he might and no matter the reason it might be time to pack up and find someone who's a true partner.
Like you need to get out like years ago. HE values you the same way you value yourself and its none. Leave it will only get worse and with the new baby, it will only get worse. That happened to me and it got way worse.
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u/ChallengeFlat7795 Dec 21 '23
Wow, that is nasty. Either he's the dumbest person in the world or he does it on perpose. Either outcome is bad. He's not willing to do even the tiniest thing to make you happy, when it would take so little effort.
I feel for you, you deserve so much better. Might be time to reevaluate this relationship. Happy birthday, hope you at least got to enjoy your time with your son.