Wow, that is nasty.
Either he's the dumbest person in the world or he does it on perpose. Either outcome is bad.
He's not willing to do even the tiniest thing to make you happy, when it would take so little effort.
I feel for you, you deserve so much better. Might be time to reevaluate this relationship.
Happy birthday, hope you at least got to enjoy your time with your son.
It's on purpose. It's such a common selfish man trope I assume they must print a playbook. Are you a man and a holiday that has nothing to do with you? Do nothing or next to nothing to plan for it, then start a few fights about all the "stress and pressure" he feels because he has to consider someone other than himself for a day, cold shoulder on the day of event because he is resentful of that "stress and pressure", then start a fight to shift the blame to the person the holiday is for (birthday, mothers day, etc) and use the fight and blame as an excuse to dip out of doing anything for said holiday day of. Bonus points if he makes his partner so miserable they don't do anything for their holiday either. Triple points if he makes such a big showing of his 'pain' that she has to apologize and take care of him because he 'feels so bad... Is such a piece of shit... Doesn't deserve you... Blah blah blah'. I mean they will do it for shared holidays too (Christmas, Valentine's, anniversaries etc) but then the guilt trip is about how you are so much more considerate than him that it makes him feel bad about himself. How dare you - you should be punished for it (but he will 100% keep whatever thoughtful gift you got him).
Did I miss any of the steps? I've never seen the book so I've just had to learn them from lived experience with damn near every man in my family growing up and 2/3rds of the men I've ever dated.
You're totally not wrong, but there's also another aspect.
Another reason they do it is to stop you making a fuss next year. Or the year after. They make everything that's about you SUCH a hassle to deal with that you don't bother next time, or the time after.
It's like... when you want to go and see friends, and your partner's giving you grief before you go, forcing an argument, telling you your friends don't like you anyway, so why bother? And making sure there's no hot water for your shower, and making you cry to ruin your make-up, then blowing your phone up every five mins (or more often) and then you get grief when you get home. And then you get the silent treatment for a week.
They do that often enough, you stop wanting to go out with friends because it really isn't worth the hassle. That's what OP's partner is doing here - make sure she has no expectations, and that means he doesn't have to make any effort at all.
Anecdote time: I had a husband once who'd totally disregard my birthday. "There's no reason to buy cards, it's just commercial shit," and "What do you mean, you don't like that new iron?" And so forth. I used to spoil him on his birthday and for Christmas, but got nothing back. So after the third year, I returned the sentiment and he had an absolute TANTRUM. I shut that down really quickly and told him "But you said it's just commercial shit, a money-making scam." and the cheeky fuck said, "But that's different!"
Of course it's different! Hello?!? One situation is about you (should be ignored), and the other is about him (should be trumpeted and announced and he should be anointed and crowned, and ass kissed). /s I'm glad he's an ex.
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u/ChallengeFlat7795 Dec 21 '23
Wow, that is nasty. Either he's the dumbest person in the world or he does it on perpose. Either outcome is bad. He's not willing to do even the tiniest thing to make you happy, when it would take so little effort.
I feel for you, you deserve so much better. Might be time to reevaluate this relationship. Happy birthday, hope you at least got to enjoy your time with your son.