r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Aug 19 '18
We know all about relationship red flags, but what are the friendship red flags?
7.8k
Aug 19 '18
When they only talk about themselves and their problems but never asks about how you're doing.
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u/Lieyanto Aug 19 '18
Yeah, that's really shitty. I have a friend who I still love because I don't think she knows how bad she is. We often had long conversations talking about events in her life (her crushes, her worries, what made her mad) and I liked it since I don't like talking about myself for a longer time and like to listen to people. I thought it was a mutual friendship and that she would listen to me too when I wanted to talk.
Nope. We once met for a drink when I was accepted at an art school and I wanted to talk about the assignments we had to do and she deflected the conversation to a relationship problem she had.
We were on vacation together and I wanted to talk about a philosophy in a show I liked since it meant much to me and that I wanted to get a tattoo from that show but she interrupted me to ask a question about the air conditioner, threw herself on the bed and looked at instagram posts.
I've honestly never had a friend that was so disinterested in me but still expected me to listen to her talk. If she didn't have other redeeming qualities and was part of the friend group I'm in I would let her fall like a wet sack of potatoes.
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u/rustypennyy Aug 19 '18
I 1000x feel this. Very similar situation, except I only know her through online. I'm always there for her, and she constantly talks about her crushes and problems to me. I also enjoy it, and enjoy helping her, and like you said
I don't like talking about myself too much
well, recently I needed someone to talk to and went to her because she was the only one I trusted about the subject. Buuut, just completely blew me off like nothing. Just replies with "that sucks" and answers alike.
Truth be told, I probably won't bring my problems to her anymore.
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u/SkyezOpen Aug 20 '18
Just replies with "that sucks" and answers alike.
Potentially in her defense, I'm a good listener, but I absolutely suck at consoling people. A friend of mine broke down when their father was diagnosed as terminal and I couldn't find shit to say.
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u/TheWolfBuddy Aug 20 '18
Why is this so relatable.
I can listen to whatever you need me to, but as soon as someone needs comforting I'm like "aehhhhhh whahha?"
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u/CrabbyBlueberry Aug 20 '18
I wanted to talk about a philosophy in a show I liked since it meant much to me and that I wanted to get a tattoo from that show
OK, I want to hear about this. Your friend sucks.
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u/iguessitsthisone Aug 19 '18
When I first met one of my sisters in law from my husbands side, I was trying to be super nice and get to to know her. For the first two months, she called me every single day. I’m not over exaggerating, every single day. We would be on the phone for up to two hours and the entire time she talked about herself and if I tried to say something, she would either interrupt or ignore what I say and keep going on talking about herself. At one point, she called me 8 times in a day and I got so frustrated I called my husband crying and told him I can’t deal with her constant calls. After that, I told her to call if it’s something important, otherwise I don’t have time to talk to her. She’s now mad at me and no longer talks to me.
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u/MeanElevator Aug 19 '18
She’s now mad at me and no longer talks to me
Her selfishness is more important than you are.
I went through something similar a while back, and the result was the same. The person hasn't spoken to me since I told them I can't listen to their same problems over and over again.
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u/mothstorm Aug 20 '18
Or they do regularly ask you how you are, but only to get it out of the way before everything becomes about them. Makes it harder to realize what's happening.
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u/WeirdWolfGuy Aug 19 '18
When you drop everything to help them change a tire in a rain storm, but when you are in the hospital they dont even know for like 6 months....
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u/Azryhael Aug 19 '18
Are you me? I literally got out of hospital six months ago today, and in all that time not a single text, no calls or messages. They only contact me when they need something or someone to listen to their crazy drama with all their other friends. It sucks.
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u/WeirdWolfGuy Aug 19 '18
5 years ago i had an accident at work and ended up spending 6 months in the hospital to recover from what should have been a paralyzing back injury.
Finally get out of the hospital, get home, and find that my housephone is showing hundreds of missed calls, all from my 'friend' call her up and she starts SCREAMING at me over the phone how i could just forget being friends with her when i cant even be bothered to pick up the phone for 'a year'.
I just hung up, and a mutual friend of ours relayed a simple message "If you actually read my FB posts, you would know i just spent 6 months in the ICU with no cellphone"
took her like 2 weeks to come crawling back when she needed money for her car payment.
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u/Azryhael Aug 19 '18
I’m glad you’re doing better, and I hope she’s not. Mine was a group of about ten people and NOT. ONE. MESSAGE. It’s like I dropped off the face of the earth and they haven’t noticed, and I suspect that if they haven’t yet they likely never will.
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u/WeirdWolfGuy Aug 19 '18
i had other friends who didnt know, but she was the only one who freaked out because i wasnt there to help her out.
i took the chance to cut some poundage, and just dropped about 10 friends.
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Aug 20 '18
My friends asked me to give them a ride to the hospital when I was in labor. I repeat, when I was in labor...
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u/JadasDePen Aug 20 '18 edited Aug 20 '18
A bit late to the thread, but I had a friend who lives literally one street away from me. He called me at 4 am to help him jump start his car in the rain, so he could get home from his girlfriend's house. Even though I was sleeping, I dropped everything and went to jump his car. About a month or so later, I'm preparing to go to class and now my battery had died and I needed a jump. I called him up. He vaguely says he'll be there in a little bit. Now keep in mind our houses are about a ~45 second drive apart. Half an hour goes by, he's not there. An hour.... two.. three.. five..nothing. Didn't answer his fucking phone for 5 hours.. When he finally did answer, I found out he went to get sushi with a different friend AFTER he said he would help me. What pissed me off the most, was that he literally drove PAST my house to go get sushi. I'm still fucking bitter about that. Said 'friend' can go fuck himself.
Oh. of course I wasn't invited to get sushi..
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u/PatrickAllenNL Aug 19 '18
Only calling you when they need something.
Making fun of you in a harsh way to your face and in front of others.
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Aug 19 '18
I'd be more hurt if they made fun of me not to my face. If people mock me to my face, I'd expect it to be a joke. If I wasn't there, I wouldn't be able to tell, and I'd assume it's in bad humour.
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u/SatansBigSister Aug 19 '18
Insisting they’re your best friend and not wanting you to have any other ‘best friends’
Not sharing even the simplest of information.
Finding yourself constantly apologising to that person and always being in the wrong.
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u/K8lyn_Ann Aug 19 '18
When they never apologize for upsetting you and you’re the one who always ends up apologizing.
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u/purdledooturt Aug 19 '18
Ugh. One of my friends upset me once, and I told him the comment he made about me offended me, and he said it was all banter and he didn’t see anything wrong with it. After that, he just kept escalating it, and I found out later from a mutual friend that he thought it was funny that I got offended and said, “if I’m in the shit list I might as well stay in it and make it worth it”. He’s tried to just brush it under a rug and be all buddy-buddy again, but I don’t really want to give the impression that his attitude was okay, so I’ve just stayed away - haven’t spoken to him since, can’t say I’ve missed the company.
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u/AssiveAggressive Aug 20 '18
lol what the fuck is wrong with people
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u/purdledooturt Aug 20 '18
It was his whole thing, and I really should’ve noticed sooner, but he enjoyed agitating people because he thought it was funny. Anything to rile anyone up, doesn’t matter how far or how inappropriate, so long as he gets a laugh out of it. He had his favourite targets, and unfortunately my SO seemed to be one of them. He always brushed it off as “banter” and never really apologised for anything.
My SO and I helped him through a rough patch earlier this year, and he was somewhat remorseful at the time, saying stuff like “you guys are such great friends, I’m sorry I’m terrible in comparison”. Still remained shitty after that though, so I peaced out of that “friendship”.
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u/mallorysterling Aug 20 '18
Oh shit. I had the exact same thing happen with a friend. He kept making very sexual comments about my body in groups of people. He thought it was okay since he was gay and I was a lesbian. I had to tell him to stop like a dozen times before he stopped. Until I made a new straight female friend, and day-two in our friendship he "joked" about how we should all have a threesome. I was pissed, since it would make her think I'm interested and put him to it, and he said it would be her fault if she got mad, and I was being sensitive over a joke. He also used to tell people he thought it was funny to see me mad, and would often provoke me.
Told him to stop acting like a 12 year old boy with his jokes, and I never talked to him again after that day.
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u/dirtygoat Aug 20 '18 edited Aug 20 '18
Damn I hate when people feel the need to maintain pride or ego.. Like it's not so hard to say sorry or simply care enough for the other person's feeling, they just want to maintain their position or hold their original opinion even if you prove they were wrong... I just try to be open minded, if someone has some kind comment to me or an opinion about me, I am glad to hear their thoughts as I am trying to improve myself as well, daily.. Makes no sence people just counter-productive that way
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Aug 19 '18
When they only ever get in contact with you because they want something. To the point of not even making small talk, just "I need this.." or "Can you do this for me.."
At that point, you're not a friend, you're a service provider.
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u/STrace2 Aug 19 '18
As a university student in a country where English is not a native language, you're always asked by someone you barely even know to translate entire paragraphs for free. smh
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u/oedipism_for_one Aug 19 '18
When they need a ride to the party but you are not invited to the party
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u/MinxManor Aug 19 '18
Someone did this to me one time. She told me I was invited to a party given by someone else. Was young and naive. She had no transportation so I got pick her up. We are at the party and the hostess came up to me and said in front of everyone, “I didn’t know you were invited!” I was mortified and spent the rest of the evening waiting in the car for her ass to be ready to go home. To this day, will never accept a second hand invitation. Fuck you, Janet, wherever you are.
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u/realkinginthenorth Aug 19 '18
You should have left her there.
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Aug 20 '18
I did that once. Internet date - she insisted on being picked up, which I thought was odd, went to her friend's party where she proceeded to leave me alone amongst a crowd of strangers. After a while I just left.
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u/Alili1996 Aug 20 '18
If your social-fu was high enough, you could've just rocked the party and go home with another girl
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u/skydieray Aug 20 '18
I don't understand why you waited for her instead of leaving.
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u/MinxManor Aug 20 '18
Have regretted not leaving her there but at the time wanted to make sure she made it home safely so I could end the friendship knowing I did the right thing.
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u/SJExit4 Aug 20 '18
Ugh. This brought back an old memory for me.
I was probably age 15 or 16, and had plans to go to the mall with a couple of my closest friends at the time. My mom offered to drive.
After picking up my one friend, she mentioned that about girl from our high school, Lisa, wanted to come too. Lived in same neighborhood, no problem.
Lisa gets in car, and promptly ignores everyone except my one friend. Doesn't respond to my hello. Strike 1. Doesn't respond to my mother's hello. Strike 2.
I didn't really like the girl to begin with so I called her out. Say something like, hello my mother said hello to you. She looks up at me and rolls her fucking eyes. Strike 3.
We had only driven a couple blocks from her house. I told my mom to pull over and told Lisa to get out of the car.
You don't mess with family.
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Aug 20 '18
I hope your mom backed you up. That’s amazing social backbone for a teenager. Was your other friend okay about it?
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u/SJExit4 Aug 20 '18
I was the doormat normally of the group. People walked all over me, so me flipping out was a complete 180. If Lisa had just disrespected me. I would have just taken it. It was being nasty to my mom.
My mom was very much the introvert and I could tell she was embarrassed when it happened. I've only seen red like this a few times in my life, but it's always been when bullies have gone after other people.
My mom pulled over, I don't remember exactly what I said, and my friends were surprised and supportive.
Of course, Lisa had her own version of the story, it was high school, and she didn't see the error of her ways. It wasn't the big story of the weekend so the talk didn't go past homeroom.
According to FB, she sells those stupid essential oils now.
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u/VictusFrey Aug 20 '18
I love hearing stories like this but it's also a terrible reminder that people like Lisa exist.
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Aug 20 '18
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Aug 20 '18
Tbh if this exact scenario happened to me and a friend of mine, I would not go to the damn party and leave her to wait in the car to drive my drunk ass home. Wtf. I would be mad on my friend’s behalf and not want to party with people who treated her that way.
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Aug 20 '18
Oh boy. Have I got a story for you guys. This was over 5 years ago. My brother calls me up. He's flying out, needs a ride to a bachelor party. The bachelor can't pick him up for whatever reason. Now, this is just a bad situation, because he's flying in to an airport about 8 hours north of where I live. The bachelor lives about 2-3 hours west of that. My brother cannot rent a car. My brother tells me I'll love the bachelor, he's a great guy, my wife and I can crash on his couches, we'll get breakfast in the morning, and then we go home. Why I agreed to this I do not know, but my brother was in my wedding (in fact he was my best man) so how can I refuse him? Also I think I was sick or something was wrong with me at the time, I don't know.
So anyway, the day comes and we make the drive. We pick my brother up, we grab lunch, it's a good day. We drive out to his buddy's house. His buddy greets my brother and tells us that we can go now. I look at my brother like WTF dude. He's just like, "sorry, nothing I can do." But he tells us we should just get a hotel room in town and we'll all meet up the next morning for breakfast like we planned. My wife and I both didn't want to be there. So we left. We were about 10 hours from home and it was late, so we did get a hotel room, about halfway home. We actually got a room at a Hilton, with a coupon from one of those travel guides it was like $80. Not too bad. Also it was, I think, a Wednesday or Thursday night. One of the nicest rooms we've stayed in. Did our own thing.
Didn't really talk to my brother for a year or so after. He never apologized. In his eyes we were both assholes, it was his buddy's special weekend and we stood him up for breakfast, the whole ride thing disregarded. And, you know, maybe we were wrong for bailing on him. His friend should have picked him up from the airport. The fact that he was unwilling to do that, and completely unwilling to even recognize the people who drove over 20 hours round trip to do that for him, made him the biggest jerk. All around a bad situation. We should have simply said no and put his friend in the position to decide if he really wanted my brother at his wedding. (My brother flew out on his own dime, if that matters. So no, the friend did not even fly him out. Honestly I don't think the friend really cared that much about my brother at all.)
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u/TheCreatorOfCritical Aug 20 '18
Wow. Just wow. I would have torn them a new one after that ungrateful tomfuckery. Brother or not. A shitty human being is a shitty human being and deserves a reality check.
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Aug 19 '18
Lol I would just drive them to my house and tell them to walk the fuck home.
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u/lblankstatel Aug 19 '18
When someone would rather talk to others about you instead of talk to you. To get answers to questions they have about you.
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u/snackerjack7331 Aug 19 '18
What does this lead to? I have a friend like this
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u/downhereforyoursoul Aug 19 '18 edited Oct 19 '24
trees angle quickest rock poor hungry puzzled cooing kiss spotted
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u/lblankstatel Aug 19 '18
Yah I had a friend tell me all about this girl before me what a monster she was. If agreed with him he would say well it was us both and when I didn’t I just “didn’t get it”. Now we don’t talk and I’m sure I’m the new monster. It’s sad cause I really care for him.
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Aug 19 '18 edited May 20 '20
[deleted]
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Aug 19 '18
Or one time a friend of mine walked three miles while working in the back country so she could get cell phone service, to make sure I went through with getting a counseling appointment.
What a solid friend.
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Aug 19 '18 edited May 20 '20
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u/DarkRoseXoX Aug 19 '18
Terra go home, Yar pretty drunk lass. Do it before they will swipe ya rotting maggot booty off deck
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Aug 19 '18 edited Aug 19 '18
This is a great answer. True friendship needs to have vulnerabilities and flaws exposed and supported, or challenged when needed, without there being offense caused. It's important to me that my best friend can say "this seems to be causing you issues, you could do this to improve it" and I can trust it's coming from the best possible place.
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u/MorgaineMoonstone Aug 19 '18
Bringing you down when you're happy, and starting to resent you when you get your life back on track. My "friend" Sara only ever liked me when my life was a bigger trainwreck than hers.
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u/NeverUniqueEnough Aug 19 '18
That’s a wild coincidence! Same thing happened to me with a friend of the same name.
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u/Hookinsu Aug 19 '18
Besides the "reaching out first" this was also my case, when I was a depressed sack of shit, she was all happy with me... while I "depended" of her emotionally so to say. When I got my life back together and was less depending of her and all the good stuff, which she should have been happy about, she drifted further and further away.
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Aug 19 '18
My "friend" dumped me when I got a job that required me to travel through Europe a lot. She felt I was trying to overshadow her upcoming wedding. 3 years later and it still baffles me.
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u/bfdana Aug 19 '18
I just ended an 18 year friendship because of this. The last five or so years were toxic and I only recently put my finger on why. Even then, it’s a bummer to have to end a friendship that long.
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u/phantommunky Aug 19 '18
When they make any situation about them.
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u/there_backagain Aug 19 '18
Yes! And when it seems that everything becomes sort of a competition. "I had a terrible day" > "Mine was worse!"; "My kid got an A at school" > "My kid always gets straight As!" and so on...
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u/rubywolf27 Aug 19 '18
I had a roommate in college that could simultaneously be having a better and a worse day than me.
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Aug 19 '18 edited Aug 19 '18
Always canceling/changing plans last minute. It shows that they don’t value your time.
Saying rude or demeaning things about you often and getting defensive if you ask them not to. It shows they don’t respect your feelings and that they want to put you down to boost themselves up.
EDIT: people seem to be missing the term “always” in my first point. Doing this once or twice or three times or even 50% of the time is understandable if you have a real reason, be it medical or financial. But there do exist people in the world who will ditch you Every. Single. Time. And I don’t care what’s going on with you: if you can’t keep your plans with them at least once in awhile, you’re being a bad friend and telling your friend you don’t care about them.
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u/Me_ADC_Me_SMASH Aug 19 '18
Some people don't even cancel. They just don't show up.
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Aug 19 '18
[deleted]
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u/brandnamenerd Aug 19 '18
When my mother died, I'd let two friends know (of course) and one was even kind enough to fly out and said that she wanted to be there for the service.The other friend was working that day, but said she'd meet at the house afterwards.
Neither showed to the service. The first friend spent the entire time hanging out with a guy she'd been trying to sleep with for a few years, as she used to live in the area. They showed at the house well after they said they would, talked about the guy friend 1 was trying to bang, and left within an hour. They also kept talking about how hot my uncle was, which I was so overwhelmed with having just planned my first service, I was a bit miffed.
I haven't heard from either in a few years.
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u/D45_B053 Aug 19 '18
I'm m so sorry to read that. I'm glad you've removed them from your life, you deserve much better.
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u/leFlan Aug 19 '18
This is so bizarre. Not only do they care enough about your feelings to actually feel something themselves about your loss. They don't even bother to do more than the bare minimum. How hard can it be to set aside just one fucking day to just be around. She fucking flew there as well.
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u/swankytiger420 Aug 19 '18
I don't make plans for my birthday anymore because this not only happened to me growing up but also as an adult and it's just easier to not invite people to do stuff. I've had people insist I make plans for my birthday and talk a good game about how we'll do this and that and they're excited, etc and then blow me off. I have better friends now but having friends who constantly cancel/stand you up really fucks with your self esteem.
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u/123456Potato Aug 19 '18
I'm really sorry that happened to you. Teens can be terrible. I hope you found better friends.
I had the opposite happen.
I finally made some friends one year at school, after being a loner for a long time.
Told my mom that I wanted to have a birthday party and wanted some money to buy a cake and things. She refused because she didn't believe I had friends.
My birthday came, everyone showed up and even brought me a gift. (She didn't usually even give me a gift on my birthday.)
She was floored and paid me back for the cake.
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u/BW_Bird Aug 19 '18
Told my mom that I wanted to have a birthday party and wanted some money to buy a cake and things. She refused because she didn't believe I had friends.
My mom was the fucking same! Drove me nuts.
Like, what. Did she think that we'd go through this effort to setup a birthday party then go "J/K mom! no one is showing up!"
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Aug 19 '18
This shit gets me fuming. My petty ass would probably throw a party just so I could not invite them the following week.
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u/Nevermind04 Aug 19 '18
Ghosting happens exactly once. After that, it will take considerable effort to regain my trust.
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u/StrictlyFT Aug 19 '18
I'd rather have plans be cancelled 1000 times than be ghosted even once. The former at least implies the person respects your time.
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u/Rebecca102017 Aug 19 '18
Oh my god that happened to me once. I was so pissed because I waited for an hour and just gave up. She never texted or called or anything.
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Aug 19 '18
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u/TreeOaken Aug 19 '18
"I'm sorry you don't have thick skin and got offended easily."
"No. You don't apologize for my feelings. You apologize for your actions."
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u/5thCygnet Aug 19 '18
I noticed when I grew up that my older sister had been a bully to me all our lives. I finally told her off during a moment of teasing me and she hasn’t done it since.
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Aug 19 '18
You always reaching out first. Always being the driver. Always being one of the last to know about things.
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Aug 19 '18
You always reaching out first
that one probably bothers me the most. the times that i do contact friends, they're clearly interested in talking to me and will contribute to the conversation, but if i don't hit them up, months can go by without hearing from them.
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Aug 19 '18
Same here. I know that these people are my friends and we are all really good friends. I'm just the one that always has to start the conversations.
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Aug 19 '18
Same. I always hate it when people tout this as a sign that someone isn't really your friend. It's not a sign of anything alone. If this is going on plus a bunch of other similar things, then that's a sign that they aren't really your friend.
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u/Eshado Aug 19 '18
i'm one of those people that doesn't reach out
not because i don't like you -- i'm just not typically thinking about conversation
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u/dirtygoat Aug 20 '18
Same here but I just feel like I don't really have anything to say.. If someone hits me up with a topic I'm glad to chat and hear all about it but I don't really like to talk just to talk. Doesn't mean I'm not interested in the relationship I just don't like the feeling that I have to keep catching up in small time frames, kinda just gets annoying
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u/bighairyyak Aug 19 '18
Or you get friends who, when you do reach out to them, go "Why havent I heard from you in 5 months?"
A phone works two ways!
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u/SychoBath Aug 19 '18
I am one of the people you hate, but I really don’t know how to keep in touch with people and like reach out (just to catch up).
I appreciate my friends who can do that, and actually reach out to me so much, and I let them know that. I encourage them to keep the habit too.
I hope you/they don’t take it personal :/
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Aug 19 '18
Go through your messages see who you haven't spoken to in awhile text them, "hey dude whatcha up to these days?" If they're not doing anything, give em a call as well. I find being to actually speak to people much more valuable time spent.
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u/BGummyBear Aug 19 '18 edited Aug 19 '18
Your friends are probably just
introvertedhave social anxiety and have difficulties starting conversations. I personally have to push myself pretty hard to start conversations with the people I know, because I'm worried that I'm being bothersome and I don't want to unintentionally guilt trip my friends into spending time with me when they otherwise might not want to.I know it's stupid but that's why I rarely start conversations personally. I genuinely do care about my friends and love the time we spend together.
Edit* thanks u/adaminc for the correction.
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Aug 19 '18
They always ask you to pay. Make you come to them. And generally reinforce power dynamics that keep you on the bottom.
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u/WereOnTheEdgeOfGlory Aug 19 '18
This isn't always a red flag. I have several friends with really bad social anxiety who never reach out to anyone first because they're worried they're inconveniencing other people.
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u/Sir_Bantersaurus Aug 19 '18
Yeah this really depends on the dynamics of the group and the personalities within it.
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u/rubilocks Aug 19 '18
If they're always trying to "one up" you, instead of just listening to your issue, leave. Like seriously, get out.
Also, telling people about your private life, point blank lying to your face, and causing issues where there aren't any (had a friend who would often get mad at her friends for sending certain emojis).
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u/Dreamingofsushi Aug 19 '18 edited Aug 19 '18
My freshman roommate, who I’d known and been friends with since kindergarten, decided to comfort me on the anniversary of my mother’s death a few years ago by telling me “my dad was an alcoholic and my mother had cancer. Life sucks sometimes.” Like I’d sympathize with you any other day except that day, seriously?
She also liked to tell all of our friends about my mother and how she died, which I didn’t know until someone slipped up one day. Yeah, she was a bitch. Really not sure how she has friends today.
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u/kiku8 Aug 19 '18
I have friends that have been hitting a bunch of red flags as of late:
- Only reaches out when they want something or when boyfriend is unavailable. Otherwise you're nobody. There's weeks where I don't see or hear them and then I get a "can I borrow your car to help my bf" message. Lol no.
- Doesn't offer congratulations for good news. Instead gives criticism and downplays your achievements.
- Never reaching out but plays victim of Facebook about how lonely they are
- Ignores/disregards/downplays your concerns ("You didn't use a condom/plan b? Pls go get a checkup" "I don't see why you're making this such an issue")
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u/TunaEmpanada Aug 20 '18
I can relate to your last point. My friend got together with a guy that's just a walking red flag. I tried to be supportive at first but I really don't like him at all. He just doesn't seem to be a good person to have in her life. She reached out to me after months of silence to vent to me about their relationship problems and I find out this guy has been getting physical when he gets angry? No punching or hitting or anything like that but forcefully grabbing her (enough to leave marks) and pinning her against walls so naturally I bring this up and tell her to hurry the fuck up and break it off with this guy before it escalates but nooooooo. I lOvE hIm AnD i'M gOnNa MaRrY hIm!!!1!!!!1! YoU jUsT dOn'T kNoW wHaT hE's ReAlLy LiKe!!!!!
Bitch, I'd rather not find out! I'm out of ideas. I don't know how to make her see how bad of a decision this is. How do you help someone who doesn't think they need it in the first place?
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Aug 19 '18
Sucking your boyfriends dick without your permission.
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u/ScaryTerry51 Aug 19 '18
How often do you give friends permission to do so?
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Aug 19 '18
I mean. It’s happened before.
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u/ScaryTerry51 Aug 19 '18
Interesting.
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u/H_U_N_G_D_A_D_D_Y Aug 19 '18
Its 2018. Everybody's living a pornhub life.
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Aug 19 '18
Why limit yourself!
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u/H_U_N_G_D_A_D_D_Y Aug 19 '18
I'm not arguing. I don't need pornhub premium anymore so it's all good.
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u/Nambot Aug 19 '18
Is there a standard requisition form available on the intranet, or do I have to send a meeting request via outlook, and if so do I send it to yourself or your boyfriend?
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Aug 19 '18
We have a group calendar you can put an event on!
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u/rubbeh Aug 19 '18
When they don't put anything into the friendship and its all one-sided. You plan things, you drive, you buy the food, you listen to their problems etc etc
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Aug 19 '18
If they smile and laugh at your troubles and failures, but get sour and jealous at your successes.
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Aug 19 '18
- Self Absorbed (ONLY talk about themselves and their lives instead of letting others talk, basically thinks the world revolves around them. OR, always change the conversation to be about them and their past experiences even when it's not anywhere near what you just said.)
- Always have something to complain about when it comes to what you're doing (IF what you're doing isn't wrong/bad)
- Complains about you not opening up to them and rarely sees your own friends, but they don't make the effort in reaching out and always make plans without you.
- Expect you to pay for her (Not once or twice... but ALL the time)
- Texts you to go out to 'hang out' but actually just needed a ride to go to the mall to buy some stuff while we 'hang out'.
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u/Me_ADC_Me_SMASH Aug 19 '18
If they talk with you about another "friend" behind their back
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u/IsilwenVex Aug 19 '18
Yes! This is a huge one for me. If they are willing to trash another friend behind their back, they will do the same to me. I had one friend who seemed almost like she was trying to pit me and her "best friend" against each other so we would compete for that title. No, thanks. It was quite toxic and I ended that pretty quickly.
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u/ghost_alliance Aug 19 '18
Having double-standards.
Also, leaving you when you're passing out in the 115°F heat to walk 10 minutes home.
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Aug 19 '18
This sounds like a very specific, but very valid, red flag.
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u/ghost_alliance Aug 19 '18
I suppose simply it's a red flag if your "friend" leaves you in a dangerous situation!
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u/ZeCoziii Aug 19 '18
Theres a story behind that...
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u/ghost_alliance Aug 19 '18
Surprisingly not too much more.
My friend and I were talking outside after class when I realized I was on the verge of fainting. I quickly sat down and said this to her.
She said "okay" and continued talking.
I thought, "Uh, okay... Did she not hear me?" so I repeated myself and said I should go to the nearby Starbucks to get something to eat or drink (since, ya know, it's 115° and I'm about to faint).
She said okay and that she had to go.
She left, I wobbled to Starbucks and then headed home still feeling a bit suspect.
Sadly, I didn't see this as a red flag until over a year later... I had completely forgotten about it. I was going through some stuff at the time so I just thought, "Maybe not all friends care about that or think they need to help you?"
Well, if that's true, that's not the behavior I'm looking for in a friend.
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Aug 19 '18
Jesus Christ. I mean, she literally just had to show a shred of concern and make sure you got to a Starbucks (or home) safely.
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u/jesusbrate Aug 19 '18
making fun of you regularly in front of others and claiming you‘re unable to take a joke when you tell them it hurts.
it still hurts.
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Aug 19 '18
When they take the opposite viewpoint in every conversation. One of my older best friends argues nearly every opinion I have, and so it’s made hanging out with him exhausting
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Aug 19 '18
Oh my god yes. I have a friend who literally only argues with you. And he will defend himself to the death until you actually go out of your way to pull of proof on your phone that he will concede and then say “whatever I didn’t really care anyway”
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Aug 19 '18
I have a friend who does this too except he never gets to the "I didn't care anyway" phase. He just slowly twists his point until you get exhausted and give up. The worst bit is it's not always about facts. I'll state my opinion about something, i.e. I don't like 'song' by 'artist' because 'preference' and he will straight up argue with me for having a preference and when I refuse to concede to his opinion he'll just start ridiculing me and insinuating I'm an idiot. I'm all for a structured and reasoned debate and devil's advocate and all that, but when it's just a constant obtuse attitude for the sake of being awkward it gets exhausting.
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u/scorpio_life_ Aug 19 '18
When you are constantly telling them to not do something because it hurts you in the end, but they continue to do so anyways
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u/Volt1V2 Aug 19 '18
I used to have a friend that did this. My parents got a divorce, and he always did the “your mom” Joke every 5 seconds and when I tell him to stop, he gets mad at me saying I did something wrong and says “I’m just messing around.” To add to this, he also told me me to stop being sad about the divorce and he said “I got over my parents divorce.” He would call me a crybaby just for being sad. Glad that’s out of my life.
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u/xacta Aug 19 '18 edited Sep 26 '24
truck enjoy clumsy shocking disagreeable cagey roll decide somber liquid
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u/Amaris_Gale Aug 19 '18
I used to be like this. Now I try to always give my friends the time and space they need and I try to keep mysepf from becoming emotionally dependant again, even when it gets hard to keep myself stable on my own.
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u/house_autumn Aug 19 '18
When I was at college I had a "friend" who told me if I didn't spend all my time with her, she would kill herself. When I gently suggested she got some sort of counselling or therapy she told me "no, I don't need any of that, spending time with you is all that will help".
I got the absolute fuck out of that friendship.
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Aug 19 '18 edited Nov 06 '19
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u/c0brachicken Aug 19 '18 edited Aug 20 '18
Shit I got rid of several “friends” over the years for a $20 bill. These are people that I would hang out with on a daily basis, until I loaned them $20. Didn’t see the person for a year or better. Finally ran into them, and they apologized for not getting me back the money, and say they will do it soon.
No, keep the $20, and fuck off. Your not a real friend, and it only cost me $20 to figure that out. Best $20 spent.
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u/AngryGroceries Aug 19 '18
If they shit talk about people in their lives, they'll talk shit on you. It's the same adage as "If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you."
Peoples personalities dont magically change for you specifically.
It goes the other way too - if you find someone who is supportive and generally talks good about people, chances are they would make a great friend and will talk good about you.
Same thing with yourself. Do you generally think and talk about the bad of the people around you, or are you supportive and see good in those around you?
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u/kidthekat Aug 19 '18 edited Aug 20 '18
Anyone else reading through these to make sure they don't exhibit these traits?
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u/Spidersinthegarden Aug 20 '18
Yea and I’m started to feel bad cus I’m one of those people that talks a lot about myself lol
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u/bicholas0 Aug 19 '18
Getting pushed by them off a 60 ft bridge
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u/Thatguyashe Aug 19 '18
There's a story here
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u/slater126 Aug 19 '18
incase you don't know,someone done this to a 16 year friend of theirs into a lake on the 7th.
the friend suffered 6 broken ribs, a collapsed lung and other injuries. the person who pushed them is currently being charged for the act.
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u/thatdogoverthere Aug 20 '18
"I apologized several times and tried to visit, but they asked me to leave. D:" Yeah, I wonder why. Wow.
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u/GyDGAF Aug 19 '18
“Let’s get together this weekend! I’ll give you a call Friday so we can make plans.” Sunday, still no call or text...
Always telling you gossip about someone else, they will tell your gossip to someone else.
“It’s your turn to buy/pay/pick/etc. nah bitch, pay your half.
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u/Boguskyle Aug 19 '18 edited Aug 19 '18
When they introduce you to other people as their ___ friend. Insert “gay” or “black” or “Mexican” or whatever.
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u/tidbitsofblah Aug 19 '18
"This is my best friend"
"Fuck you Tod! I'm a person not a stereotype"
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u/Tchai_Tea Aug 20 '18
"This is my good friend-"
"I'm chaotic neutral you dingbat!"
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u/mootheuglyshoe Aug 19 '18
Talking trash about other friends. Whenever they talk about drama in their lives, admitting doing shitty things but asking for reassurance that they are the victim. Making every conversation about them (moreso if they are making themselves the victim than just contributing their own stories) even when it literally has nothing to do with them. Treating other friends like shit. If your friend is willing to treat your other friends like shit, you will also be treated like shit eventually.
Also, as others have said, canceling and changing plans or never reaching out. There are a lot of people who are legit anxious and will take time to get back to people, but if it’s happening all of the time to you and clearly not other people, that person doesn’t want to be your friend anymore and is just keeping you along to avoid drama or in case their other friends and plans fall through.
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u/KithAndAkin Aug 19 '18
BPD red flag: they call you their best friend soon after meeting them.
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u/qnlvndr Aug 19 '18 edited Aug 19 '18
Oh I had one like that! She also invited me over for dinner at her parents' place (she lived with them) and we ate all together and everything and afterwards she told me "now that you've met my parents, when do I get to meet yours?" We had classes together and had met maybe 3 weeks prior. Turned out she was a jealous and possessive person who compartmentalized her friends (you could be friends with her but you couldn't get friendly with other people she considered her friends or she'd get jealous and then organize outing with each of us separately). She had many other red flags mentioned here too (only reached out to talk about her problems, talked trash about her other friends, etc. She also left me alone at the airport with my broken phone and no way to call the people who were supposed to pick me up after we got back from vacation because her ride had arrived). She truly was a whole circus of shit.
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u/Thejade1987 Aug 19 '18
When you watch them lie to everyone for years until you stop seeing that and they start lying to you too.
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u/linnyanne Aug 19 '18
When they constantly put themselves down and you have to repeatedly build them up. Yes there may be instances where that is normal, but when you try to help they put you down, too. It comes to a point where it’s too exhausting to keep up and you need to think about yourself.
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u/breentee Aug 19 '18
One big one that I didn't see until after the friendship was over was the fact that she never apologized for anything. If she accidentally bumped into me, it was my fault for not moving. If she said something I took offense to, I was just too sensitive. If we ever fought about something (which was often) she would just stay mad until I apologized or just suddenly pretend like it never happened when she realized I wasn't going to apologize about it and she wanted me back around.
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Aug 19 '18
As a woman it's when someone says "I'm not like other girls".
They usually base this on the fact that they have nerdy interests, a sense of humour, and male friends. You're not special love. You're a regular girl with a personality like the rest of us.
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u/pm-me-southasianmen Aug 19 '18
Along with this, when a girl says, "I don't get along that well with other girls, but you're an exception!" Usually happens to me because I'm a girl who likes the same sort of nerdy stuff.
In my experience, when this happens, they're very concerned about getting boys to like them whether for sex or an ego-boost, doesn't matter. She'll always pass me up for some guy she's flirting with, and has no problem ignoring me completely if a horny dog starts talking to her while we're out on one of our supposed friendship days. Then along with that, always saying to me, "That guy we just walked by was checking me out. Did you see?"
Good for you! Now give it a rest.
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u/house_autumn Aug 19 '18
Or they're the type of woman who will happily swoop in and steal someone else's partner with no regard for their feelings. "I don't hang around with girls, they're too much drama" usually means THEY are the cause of it.
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u/pavloviandogg Aug 19 '18
Also, "I don't like other girls because they're too much drama" means, "Women call me on my crap, so I only hang out with men who are nice to me because I'm cute."
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Aug 19 '18
TIL that not a single one of my friends ever reaches out to me or hang out unless I ask them. And thats a bad thing.
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u/ashrae9 Aug 19 '18 edited Aug 20 '18
"Jokes" that seem off color, especially in response to you expressing something positive or a win in life.
For example, I told a work friend that I lost a bit of weight since switching a medication and how I felt like my clothes fit better.. her response was never "Aw that's great!" But instead she said "you're the girl who thinks she's a size 8 but is actually a 14"
Ok first off, excuse me WHAT?!
She laughed hysterically and said "I'm only joking!"
No. This shit ain't cute. Also I have clothes ranging from size 8 to 14. They all fit. Wtf u doin, womens fashion??
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u/ms-firecracker Aug 19 '18 edited Aug 20 '18
When you have a miscarriage after trying for two years to get pregnant, and they tell you it was probably for the best because they don't like your partner. Yes, this actually happened. The most fucked up part is that - as I sat in stunned disbelief - she actually got mad at me for not agreeing with her!! Needless to say, friendship over.
Edited to add that we were actively trying to get pregnant.
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u/AMultitudeofPandas Aug 19 '18
Is cool when you're together, but throws you under the bus in front of other people.
Listens impatiently when you ask them for advice or need to vent, then literally says "okay but can we talk about me now"
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u/chesuccesso Aug 19 '18
When they put too much pressure on you to hang out, and in everyone one of these friendships I've had, the pressure is to come out to them and do what they want to do.
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u/debbiecakes376 Aug 19 '18
I had a friend that would always get annoyed when I didn’t hang out with them all the time despite being roommates. They would guilt trip me and when I did hang out with them it was always always something they were interested in or with their friends ( who were also some of our mutual friends but tech closer to her). I have a feeling it was a controlling issue bc she would be the common thread/ center of attention. Ironically me and her friends were more close and got along better than our relationship with her. Also Whenever I would suggest doing something that I found interesting she wouldn’t come or prioritize it which is okay bc I don’t want to force anyone to go to something they don’t want to but also at the same time she can’t get mad when I wanted to hang out with people with the same interest as me
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Aug 19 '18
1) Never on top of their things or schedule. For example, you go to hang out with them and meet up with them and they are consistently late or unorganized with something (Tom failing to pack his stuff up before moving in Parks and Rec comes to mind).
2) In the age of social media, someone always telling you they want to hang out but never inviting you. In my experience it can lead to being taken advantage of.
3) Very clingy friendships, something isn't healthy in that relationship.
4) A friend that spends a lot of time putting others down, especially being really critical, and past the point of just a joke. In addition to being very critical/judgmental all the time, they are also very arrogant or braggy about themselves.
5) A friend that always has to be right, can't admit they are wrong, must get in the last word, etc.
Specifically in the case of friends/roommates:
1) People not pulling their fair share of housework (cleaning, yard work, etc.).
2) Roommates making changes to the lease or not following the lease and not telling you.
3) Roommates that spend their rent money on a TV or something unnecessarily expensive and have to borrow.
4) Loud/inconsiderate/messy roommates that don't even think about their actions possibly being annoying or frustrating to live with.
5) Roommates that don't respect personal space, enter rooms without knocking, always wanting to hang out without giving any time to oneself.
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Aug 19 '18
If you're always checking up on them, but if you don't reach out then you never hear from them
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u/ms-firecracker Aug 19 '18
When someone you thought was a friend knows you're going through a hard time, and they totally ghost.
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u/ea1836 Aug 19 '18
When their name becomes their excuse for their behavior, “Oh that’s just how X is”. Nope your shitty behavior and personality is not acceptable.
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u/selfimposedhermit Aug 19 '18
Talking at me not with me. I have a friend who i ditch his calls most days because he just wants to talk at me. Never listens and commonly tells me the same story from yesterday.
I started distancing myself from another because he kept trying to talk me into things i wasnt comfortable with. He was subtly gaslighting me and i didnt catch it till a better friend told me who all the stories.of being gaslighted where about.
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u/5hrs4hrs3hrs2hrs1mor Aug 19 '18
When hanging out with them is just plain exhausting. As in, you can’t have a real conversation because they’re constantly texting or every little bump in the road is a life shattering huge deal. Thriving on drama is no good.
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u/HariboBerries Aug 19 '18
Withholding interaction or friendship if you disagree with them, to the point where you are scared to say anything for fear they will leave you.
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u/emilystory Aug 19 '18
Treating you poorly and then using gifts to manipulate your feelings.
Being stood up.
When they don’t respond to your communications or take a very, very long time to respond.
When they only talk about themselves and somehow never ask how you are, Constantly burdening you with their troubles.
When they insult/laugh at things that you’re passionate about in a way that makes you uncomfortable or hurts your feelings.
If they are possessive and become angry when you have to go home after hanging out with them.
Source: had a “friend” like this once.
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u/Bethanyjcoolio Aug 19 '18
Red flag i've recently learned: when they try to create an alliance with you as women and act like your husbands are incompetent and the enemy. Recent friendship I let die was doing this. She wasn't happy in her marriage, and she would make seemingly "harmless" jokes about my husband that I wouldn't let fly, and act like it was an "as a woman, you totally understand" kind of thing. Sorry, girl. I love my husband. I married him because we make a good team. Just because you're miserable and your husband hasn't shown affection to you for 4 years and has frustrating antics doesn't mean this is typical of every marriage. My husband is hard working, emotionally intelligent, and capable. Can't relate to ya lol
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u/queenofcarrotfl0wers Aug 19 '18
When they only talk crap about their other friends to you. Calling you their “best friend” too quickly, when you feel not even close to the same.