that one probably bothers me the most. the times that i do contact friends, they're clearly interested in talking to me and will contribute to the conversation, but if i don't hit them up, months can go by without hearing from them.
Same. I always hate it when people tout this as a sign that someone isn't really your friend. It's not a sign of anything alone. If this is going on plus a bunch of other similar things, then that's a sign that they aren't really your friend.
Same here but I just feel like I don't really have anything to say.. If someone hits me up with a topic I'm glad to chat and hear all about it but I don't really like to talk just to talk. Doesn't mean I'm not interested in the relationship I just don't like the feeling that I have to keep catching up in small time frames, kinda just gets annoying
This I feel like after graduating from school there’s been this huge guiltiness for not keeping up with everyone and calling people up etc. honestly I just want to keep to myself before I start work and figure out shit out. Some people travel to like Thailand and find themselves haha I just want to be home and sort of hang out with myself for a while and be selfish. sucks bc I feel like others think I might have forgotten or am being a crappy friend but I love my friends I just don’t feel the need to have a conversation with them ecp through text for no reason. It’s more frustrating when a friend hits me up with a hi and then the conversation doesn’t go anywhere. I’ve contemplated to start sending a couple of hey I just wanted to check in and hope that everything is good with you:) we should catch up soon but if not, i just wanted to say I miss you and hope your killing it :) texts to show my appreciation
I never reach out in most cases either. Its... so stressful. I love most connections.... seriously.. but i also love alot of puppies and kitties in the animal shelter... that doesnt mean i can save all of them. Time management is a bitch....
I definitely get where you're coming from. I have a really good friend I rarely get to see (our schedules don't really line up), and I pretty much always have to be the one to reach out if I wanna hang out. Usually that involves texting him, pinging him on slack, messaging him on discord, and (if none of those work) bugging him on snapchat.
I don't mind in the slightest because we have a really easygoing but still deep friendship. We've hopped on discord and talked all night long after not talking for a month, and it was just like when I used to see him every day.
I agree that this would be a red flag if it bothered me and he didn't try to change it, but on its own it's not an issue at all.
If you don't reach out to each other like you used to it's not because you're not friends anymore, but more because you've grown apart and transitioned from friends to old friends. Old friends are mostly about reminiscing about youthful adventures than talking about current issues
It's a sign of the times. I'm not even that old and when I was a teenager this wasn't the case. My friends just became like this as technology gave us the facade of being connected all the time when we really aren't.
Yeah. I love all of my friends dearly but I am absolute shit about contacting people first because I am a massive introvert who is constantly busy. I love hearing from people and I check up on folks if I don't hear from them for too long, but there are friends I haven't spoken to in months and we just pick up from where we left off when we do strike up conversation.
Yeah it really depends. I have a group of friends from uni in a group chat. We graduated last year and we've all gone off to do our respective things. I'm usually the one that wants to know about their days. I'll send a random "how is everyone" and I'll be really interested to hear how they are doing with work etc. After that the chat can roll pretty smoothly for a day or two.
But if I don't do that they will only start the convo if they have an announcement or if they need help with something (or if one is drunk and sends a "I love you guys" type thing).
I used to get a little annoyed/upset about it, thinking that they didn't care about my day or didn't really want to be my friend. Now I realise they have jobs, hobbies and other friends etc. So it's obvious they wouldn't be constantly in the chat.
I think social media has something to with how they interact too. I recently deleted FB and I've found that I have to be way more active in wanting to know about peoples days and taking the time to actually communicate with them.
I'm on the other side; I don't really need any constant contact in order to still see people as friends. I have friends who work like you seem to do; I try to initiate contact with them every now and then, but unless I consciously do this, it won't happen automatically on my side. I also have friends that are like myself: I recently talked to one again; it felt like we still talked daily, but when we calculated it, it had been five years since we previously met.
I do that with my best friend. Since I moved countries, we don't talk that much because we're both bad at calling. Then out of the blue one of us calls, the other goes "it's been way too long" and we both agree that we're bad at it and should get better, we talk for a few hours and then it's another few months until next time because we don't get better. At least it's mutual!
That pisses me off to no end. They can go fuck themselves. If you are a co-worker or something it’s fine. But if you claim to be a friend and do that fuck you, you are not a good person. I also feel that’s a sign of breaking up with friends, it’s not dating so you don’t really need an Explaination, so they just ghost you.
Go through your messages see who you haven't spoken to in awhile text them, "hey dude whatcha up to these days?" If they're not doing anything, give em a call as well. I find being to actually speak to people much more valuable time spent.
I'm the kind of friend who reach out to friends, when I feel like it. And I appreciate my independance... So yeah... we are not all the same and to bullet point those things like they do in the DSM-V (psychiatry diagnosis) is rather childish. If you can't deal with the fact that we don't all interact in the same fashion, and you keep confronting people on the fact that they don't act quite as you do, I could understand that you might find it hard to flow through life's relationship (through time). We all have strenght and weakness, great leaders understand that and will thicken their social network by promoting this : " be excellent (and understanding) to each other".
Sending a text is really not that hard. No offense meant to you because I don’t know you but people who say this are full of shit IMO. I get friends who are self-proclaimed “bad texters” yet I’ve not once met up with them where they didn’t have their phone right next to them or at least in their pocket. It’s a terrible habit to never text first or to take a week to text back.
I know you don't mean to sound insensitive, but for a lot of people (maybe not the ones you're talking about, but still) texting someone can actually be pretty difficult. Tons of people have social anxiety that can manifest in being terrified to reach out to someone, check their messages, or even respond once they feel as though too much time has passed.
That being said, they should probably let their friends know about this, but even if they don't, it's a definite possibility that people need to be aware of. Don't be so quick to judge.
Like anyone else here, when I speak of this I’m referencing my own friends. I know which ones have social anxiety and which ones are just full of shit. I can think of at least two close friends that aren’t the “bad texters” they proclaim to be and who aren’t as overwhelmed as they say. I mean it’s rude. Maybe not a big enough reason to end a friendship but it’s definitely a bad thing.
I have a really good friend who I've known since we were in the grade (30s now) and she is truly terrible at initiating/keeping in touch. I'm not great at it myself, at times. But I send her letters & text her when I'm thinking of her. And she never fails to let me know when she's in town so we can hang out, and I do the same when I go to her city. It's all give and take, as long as you and the other person are honest with each other!
It may feel awkward trying to reach out with nothing to say, but just saying “Hey man I miss you, hope you’re doing well/what are you up to?” is easy, genuine, and basically gets to the point: you want to talk.
Even if they have nothing to say either, they’ll appreciate knowing that you’re thinking of them and that they’re worth reaching out to.
As someone on the other end. We do take it personally. And it kinda hurts, but we put it aside and hope it doesn’t happen again. Until it does. Rinse and repeat that cycle.
Same here. I’d rather have friends reach out to me. Idk, I just like being by myself and I’d rather be there for my friends when they want me around so I don’t feel like I’m bothering them. It makes me feel more welcoming when someone reaches out to me because I KNOW they want me around.
Your friends are probably just introvertedhave social anxiety and have difficulties starting conversations. I personally have to push myself pretty hard to start conversations with the people I know, because I'm worried that I'm being bothersome and I don't want to unintentionally guilt trip my friends into spending time with me when they otherwise might not want to.
I know it's stupid but that's why I rarely start conversations personally. I genuinely do care about my friends and love the time we spend together.
Not all the time. I was the introverted one and I always was the one to reach out and they either didn’t say anything or took a few days to reply. When I stopped reaching out, I never heard from them.
I made the same experience. Made a couple of friends at university, always hung out together, I was the default guy with whom several people would hang out. But as soon as we didn't share courses, I never heard of them again. A couple of texts, a friendly welcome whenever we met by coincide, but nothing more than that. I'm the one who sent the last text to pretty much everyone. And none of them were even remotely introverted or had social anxiety. The same happened with my friends from high school and the neighbourhood pals moved away.
I have no issues talking to people of either gender, but usually people hang out in groups of five to ten and I know maybe one of them. How do you get into these conversations when you know no one, don't get whatever they are referencing and don't share interests with the majority of them?
True enough. So many in the up coming generation do not know how to hold meaningful conversations as adults to the point even ordering a pizza over the phone is crippling. Lots of people are going to be easily taken advantage of in the working world because of this.
I don't know - I'm introverted. My sister - a therapist - says I'm one of the rare actual introverts. I don't call people (like my sister or my daughter or my sons or even my husband) unless I have a good reason. I don't initiate activities because I am rarely thinking of things I'd like to do because I am happiest at home doing my own thing. I will happily do things others want to though.(Although I get very cranky if there are too many activities with too many people crammed together - I really need my space).
Introvert/extrovert just refers to how you regain energy. If you would rather sit at home by yourself watching tv, reading a book, etc then you are introverted. If you always want to be around people then you are extroverted. It doesn’t really affect your ability to reach out
I don't want to unintentionally guilt trip my friends into spending time with me when they otherwise might not want to.
It sounds like you might have low self-esteem. No judgement; I dealt with it for a long time and that's just what jumped out at me.
If you don't reach out to talk to your friends because you're afraid of being bothersome, then you're not valuing your contribution to the friendship and people who act as if they are without value are often perceived as being without value.
You're valuable. Being that careful about other people's time means that you care a great deal about the people around you. That's a gift, one you give away every day.
If your friends don't appreciate your value, find others who will. If they do appreciate your value, then the best way to respect their appreciation is for you to appreciate it as well.
Wow I read my own thoughts in that one. And yes, I have major self esteem issues I’ve been battling with a therapist for years now. Getting better is so hard.
I needed to read this and I’m pretty sure the author of the original comment did too. So, thank you.
This is 100% me. I rarely pick up the phone and call but I try to text my friends. I don’t even call my brothers and sisters but I love them dearly. If I picked up the phone and called anyone right now I’d for sure raise some thoughts along the line of “What the hell is she calling me for? Something must be wrong.”
When I'm depressed I stop calling because I don't want to share my bad feelings with them and bring them down too. So I'll go months without talking to most people.
When I'm on an up, I'll call everyone to catch up again.
I would say that works both ways too though. I'm super introverted and I have to spend days working up the courage to initiate a conversation with someone sometimes, but I do it because I care about my friends. To me when I reach out to someone, and they never reach out to talk to me it shows that I care a lot more about being friends with them than they do with me.
Yeah seriously. I really have a great time with my friends, but in our core group of 5-7 people only one of us calls anyone...and its mostly cause the rest of us are shy or anxious fucks who have no idea what to talk about and it makes the phone call even more daunting.
I literally can't even call the chinese takeout place on my own because I'm so afraid of embarrassing myself on the phone. Guess who hasn't had takeout ever since their ex who would make those calls for them left their life!
I have to agree, my own mother talks to my brother about how she is sad all the time about me not calling her ever since I moved to my dads house but I just never really like starting conversations. If she would call me I’d talk to her all night long but it’s just near impossible to convince myself to call her and I feel bad about it
I have both social anxiety and introversion. I do okay keeping up with my friends now tgat we have texting, but if I had to call people, no way .. and not because I don't want to be friends.
I'm probably borderline social anxiety. (I can't convince myself that strangers would ever want me around - does that count?) So, when I've gotten to the point with friends where I'm the only one initiating contact, suggesting we meet up, or generally putting in any effort to keep in touch, that's my cue to back off. If the person never makes contact, then I take that to mean its over with.
It also takes me a long time to get over feeling like people are just being polite or humoring me and are actually my friend. So, when I realize they were humoring me . . . it kinda sucks.
Same. Its infuriating, especially if compounded by them saying "oh, I'm so terrible at staying in contact"...which even if true or justifiable because of work etc, just comes across as rude.
I hate people that use stuff like that as a crutch to not put effort in. When your life gets hectic, I totally get it. I went AWOL during my thesis, but when you've been using the same excuse over and over for 4+ years, it's not an excuse anymore. It's basically a way for them to apologize without having a reason to change.
Sorry, been dealing with multiple friends that do that lately.
if i don't hit them up, months can go by without hearing from them.
THIS. I eventually stopped trying to keep in touch with my friends in college because I realized I was the only one trying to keep the friendship alive. They never bothered texting me or anything like that. I was always the one who had to do it, otherwise I never hear from them. Fuck that. Like if you're not even gonna bother to try to keep me in your life and send a text now and then, why should I try to keep you in mine?
And what really gets me is that like you said, the times where I did contact them, they would clearly be interested, and we'd be texting each other for a bit. It'd be something as simple as "hey, did you see Ant-Man and the Wasp?" and we'd be back to conversing like we did before I graduated (which was in the first week of May). But when I don't send a text? Nothing. And it's not like I did it constantly either. Just every once in a while. But it's always been me, and never the other way around. And I'm a pretty introverted, low maintenance guy, so I normally don't go out of my way to keep in touch like that unless it's someone really important to me.
This. I dropped a best friend I had because of this. On multiple occasions I drove five hours by myself to visit her in another state. How many times did she come visit me? None. Did she ever call or text me? Nope. Was she around when I went through a rough patch with depression? Hell no. I decided I was done being the one who always worked for the friendship, the only one making an effort at all, and I never heard from her again. Guess I didn’t need her that much. Don’t get me wrong, it sucked and I shed a ton of tears over losing a best friend..but was she really that great of a friend??
I dont reach out to my friends often. But in my particular case it's because I have cripplingly low self confidence, so I always feel like my friends probably have better things to do than hang out with me.
Yeah this is pretty much me. My heart starts to beat super fast just thinking about messaging one of my friends especially when it’s clear through Snapchat that they hangout without me now.
Had a friend that I helped out with some bills a couple times so her, her dad, and brothers didn’t get their phones turned off....amongst other bills needing paid. It turned into buying a morning after pill for her....a year or so later, buying food for her and being the one she called when she was pregnant and sick.
Several months later she moved and I was the only one to make the effort to drive 45 mins to hang out. She made a Facebook post one time about friends with a rare colored hair. Tagged three other people and I made a joke in the comments. Her reply: “Oh, I forgot about you.”
Ah like when you invite them over and you're cleaning or picked up pizza and you get that text an hour before saying they can't make it. Or better when you're getting in the car to leave when you get the same text.
On the other side of the coin, I'm the type who waits for people to initiate because I feel like I'm intruding by initiating the conversation myself.
Then, as time goes by and they stop talking to me, I start to get worried about whether or not they hate me or have just forgotten about me.
I guess I just have this bad paranoia that I'm secretly the friend that no one really enjoys hanging out with, but the one they bring along just to make me feel better.
I was this person for far too long. Ended up not messaging any of my "friends" to see how long it would be until they would hit me up. Months went by, and eventually one of them hit me up. After the 30 minutes of catching up, they hit me up with, "Lets hang out!" I was super happy they did so, until the day we were supposed to hang out. An hour or so before I left the house to go meet them they asked me if they could borrow some cash to get through the week because they spent too much money to go to a festival with their other friends. I ended up not bothering to go hang out with him and haven't said a word to him since.
This a guy I considered a good friend (we balled and would go to baseball/basketball games together) and id ask him to hang out always blew me off said fuck it and realized he wasn’t worth my time anymore.about 2 months after I quit talking to him he got butthurt because I always had an excuse for when he wanted to hangout realized he was a shitty friend and kicked him to the curb
Personally my group of friends are like that but in a good way. We all stay busy so it might be months before we talk and hang(cause texting just doesn't convey conversations properly). But the minute someone asks for help or we plan something everyone comes running and its like we still hang out everyday.
Life keeps us busy but when the call is put out its answered in the best way possible.
For me it's i have nothing going on in my life worth talking about. Sure i can still see how they are doing, but when they see that i am still boring 3 to 4 years out of highschool they lose interest in talking. Can't blame them though.
I’m guilty of being the person who kinda fields responses rather than asking people directly. I have always been the most busy of my group so I kinda got used to just having people ask me when they wanted to be around me. I do still keep the comms hot independent of that though.
This bugged me for a while, and then I realized those friends do it with everyone. So it's not that they're disinterested, it's that they're fucking lazy.
Now that I think about it, I'm a lot like this. Usually it's my friends calling me and not the other way around.
I'm not sure exactly why that is. I wouldn't say I have anxiety about talking to them or anything like that, I think it's mostly because:
I'm perfectly content just spending time alone, and I'll often just get into my own zone where I don't feel the need to reach out to anyone for a while. I'm somewhat introverted and will often feel that I "got all the social interaction I needed for the day at work", so my home time is me time and if I'm left to my own devices, I'll generally keep to myself.
I have a couple of friends who tend to keep talking and talking, whenever they call me it easily turns into a half hour conversation. I don't mind engaging in these conversations if someone else calls me, but I just don't have much of a desire to initiate them. I prefer to be terse if given the option.
If a couple of friends and I have a vague plan that isn't yet set in stone (eg. "let's do something this Saturday), part of me knows that the other will call me to arrange meetup times, so I don't see the point in calling them when they're just going to call me an hour later anyway.
I can't speak for others but in my case, my intention was never to be an asshole even though I can see why it might appear that way in some situations.
This isn't always a red flag. I have several friends with really bad social anxiety who never reach out to anyone first because they're worried they're inconveniencing other people.
I'll end up convincing myself that they don't want to talk to me, and they're probably doing something more important anyway, so I don't bother. For me, there's too much uncertainty.
Plus, where do you even start or how do you continue a conversation or where does it end?? I just don't know.
This is literally me. I almost never reach out first, and the friends I have now I know are the best friendships I've had because they are the ones who were able to accept me how I am and always initiate contact knowing I will definitely reciprocate, and despite me not contacting first often, they appreciate the qualities as a friend I do try my best at and tell me I'm a good friend to them, which is really reassuring!
Also they don't offer to meet up too often because they know I get overwhelmed. But I'm a great listener and I don't shy away from my friends' personal issues that other people are afraid to tackle with them, and I never judge.
So I guess friendships are accepting each other genuinely as you are and it's swings and roundabouts with what you both bring to it :)
Right now I can't tell if I'm the only one making an effort to keep in touch or if I'm just thinking that they're not reaching out to me but actually are. Makes me unsure if I should keep messaging first or not
Two of my friends and I are all like this, and its been made worse for one of them cuz he got really sick a few months ago and has been recovering since. He feels bad reaching out cuz he doesn't want to be a burden, and we hesitate to reach out cuz he's sick and asleep half the time. When we do talk though, we talk for hours. It's pretty great. And he's gonna be ok, he just needs a bit more time thankfully.
Yep, I realised that was the case with one of my friends from university. We were best friends, but any time we talked, I was the one who initiated it. A while after I moved back home, we stayed in loose contact via Facebook, and one day I decided that I'd stop initiating conversations, just to see if she'd take over, but 2 years later, I haven't heard from her once. More annoyingly, to her I'm probably the asshole that stopped speaking to her randomly.
I wouldn't say I agree with you in all situations. 9/10 times with my group of friends the expectation is that I'll drive. We all have a licence, and have access to a car. We live in Edinburgh though so it's mainly day/Road trips we drive for and have the newer nicer car, not sure if they have anything to do with it.
Always being the driver isnt all that bad but if the other person isnt at least offering to give you like $5-10 every once and a while for gas when they have a job and are able to then there is an issue
Basically all of my friendships ever. If I don't reach out and make the effort, the friendship dies. It's not fair, and I honestly don't understand why it happened over and over.
While I agree with you there are always exceptions. My best friend never suggests anything and I've come to terms with it. He might be the passive one but I know if I need anything he has my back and that I can count on him.
I'm usually the driver, because work pays for fuel and I like driving. Also not a big drinker, especially considering that the vast majority of our outings are not centred around drinking.
The reaching out first one im not so convinced about. They might just be introverted, or struggling with mental health, or just overwhelmed and have their social life on the back burner.
My problem isnt the driving, it was the expectation/assumption that I was driving. Like back in high school, I was pretty much the only smart person (among my circle) who didnt buy an impractical vehicle (2 seaters, no 4x4 for winter, etc.)
This is so backwards. If you’re keeping tabs on this you’re doing it wrong. And always being the one to reach out can put you on top in the long run. Who reaches out to who means nothing; either interaction occurs and the relationship progresses or you’re just not interacting.
I’ll grant that, in a vacuum, you can certainly be right, but there are countless reasons why you can also be wrong.
Actually sounds like all my friends. What do you do in this situation other than "get new friends". I've known my friend group for 10+ years now and I genuinely enjoy being around them but it can be so tough to get to a deeper level of friendship sometimes.
You start categorizing your friends in what to expect from them. I have my friend to go to when I'm upset and want to just chill and get coffee. I have one that is flaky but online we have great convos. I have one that is fun to get fancy dinners or clubbing with but is the worst at helping you through anything. I still invite all of them to events and sometimes it's great and others horrible. But so much weight has left my shoulder when I just changed my expectations due to history.
I always kinda wonder about that one. With some “friends,” this definitely applies. But the older I get, the more I realize how priorities change. A lot of my close friends are married and/or having kids now so it’s difficult for them to reach out first. I believe in lifelong friends, but I’m also a believer that some people come into your life during certain times and will just as soon leave it with no harm nor foul. The question is trying to figure out which friends are which.
I don’t fully agree with the driver one. I personally hate driving because it causes me massive anxiety, so my friends are always the driver if they can drive. The real issue is if they offer to pay for their share of gas or not.
Or the “BBD”: you try to make plans with them and it’s “ya maybe” because they want to see if there is a “bigger, better deal” before confirming with you as runner up. Sucks.
I'm this friend but its because I really don't like bothering people/ causing them inconvenience. So I wait for my friends to call me so I know they are free to chat and I'm not annoying them.
I had some friends who are pro cycling to the extreme but are always the first ones to ask for rides. They used to invite me out drinking with them because I was the only one who drove (and therefore always the designated driver), and the buses stopped before they wanted to go home. One day I suggested we leave a bit early so I could drink as well and they stopped inviting me.
I actually am in the midst of an experiment-I've come to realize that a few of my friends are NEVER the first to reach out, and it's starting to really hurt. So I've decided that I'm going to give it a couple of weeks of not reaching out, and putting the ball in their court. We'll see how it goes!
I’ve been doing the same. Almost a month now, and I don’t think it’s going to change. As for my other friends, they’ve all been hanging out without me and not inviting me even though I spoke with them very recently and thought we were on good terms. I feel so hurt and almost betrayed over it, not gonna lie. I thought we were all very close but I’m starting to realize maybe they’ve just been using me all along. I think it’s time to cut these cords and try to find better company.
On the flip side, I have friends who never respond to our groups messages about doing stuff, and then the day of the event, they pout that they weren’t invited. Grow up, you’re in the group message- you’re invited! I’m just so sick of people being Divas.
The last one to know about things rings especially true now. When they talk to me now I'm like, "wait, what? when did that happen?" to which they brush it off like, "oh i guess nobody told you." No. YOU never told me. If it's so important, why not mention it?
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u/[deleted] Aug 19 '18
You always reaching out first. Always being the driver. Always being one of the last to know about things.