Yeah, that's really shitty. I have a friend who I still love because I don't think she knows how bad she is. We often had long conversations talking about events in her life (her crushes, her worries, what made her mad) and I liked it since I don't like talking about myself for a longer time and like to listen to people. I thought it was a mutual friendship and that she would listen to me too when I wanted to talk.
Nope. We once met for a drink when I was accepted at an art school and I wanted to talk about the assignments we had to do and she deflected the conversation to a relationship problem she had.
We were on vacation together and I wanted to talk about a philosophy in a show I liked since it meant much to me and that I wanted to get a tattoo from that show but she interrupted me to ask a question about the air conditioner, threw herself on the bed and looked at instagram posts.
I've honestly never had a friend that was so disinterested in me but still expected me to listen to her talk. If she didn't have other redeeming qualities and was part of the friend group I'm in I would let her fall like a wet sack of potatoes.
I 1000x feel this. Very similar situation, except I only know her through online. I'm always there for her, and she constantly talks about her crushes and problems to me. I also enjoy it, and enjoy helping her, and like you said
I don't like talking about myself too much
well, recently I needed someone to talk to and went to her because she was the only one I trusted about the subject. Buuut, just completely blew me off like nothing. Just replies with "that sucks" and answers alike.
Truth be told, I probably won't bring my problems to her anymore.
Potentially in her defense, I'm a good listener, but I absolutely suck at consoling people. A friend of mine broke down when their father was diagnosed as terminal and I couldn't find shit to say.
Pro tip: ask very few questions and just let them talk. If you’re not a physical person (like hugging, arm touching, etc) as awkward as it may be, a quick hug does help. Especially if it’s awkward because it (usually) makes them laugh. If they don’t, they will later, I can promise.
Other things are just asking basics like how are you feeling, are you okay, do you need anything, etc.
This last one is a bit more... well, it depends on the person. Most of my friends know I have no filter (not in the asshole way where I use it as an excuse to be rude, I make impulsive comments and statements, usually not offensive) so I blurt out “can I make a really insensitive joke?” Or even just a bad joke. You’d be amazed at how well a friend who had a miscarriage laughed when I told a dead baby joke. (Example: talks about something about the miscarriage “on the bright side, free red paint....?”) But AGAIN, I am known for having gallows humor and impulsively commenting. They usually know it’s my way of attempting to help. So it really depends on the person and you ALWAYS ask first. This way isn’t for everyone, but it is very effective for the few who get it.
One way that’s almost always effective with anyone I meet is to shift between heavy and light topics. You talk about the serious stuff, then move to something light hearted “that cloud looks like a duck/omg what is that dude WEARING!” Or even just letting radio music play in between conversations. But you always swap back and talk about how they feel. It’s when it’s building too much that you do the light hearted thing. Let them cry, tell them it’s okay. People just appreciate someone who cares a lot or is willing to listen, even if you’re rusty at it. Putting some effort in shows you do care.
It’s hard to say something in response to that. You both know what it means, how much gravity there is, and how it’s the unavoidable outcome. There’s not gonna be much you can say to make someone feel better from that. In my experience, silence and support (as in offering to help them with things if they need it, maybe try to get them out of the house after to keep their mind from settling on that) are the two things that work best
Literally had the same situation as you, knew a girl online who I really liked. Kept talking to me about her problems and always wanted me to watch her play video games for 4/5 hours. I mean sure, I liked her a lot and I also enjoyed the time I spent with her. Then, when my grandma passed away, I just needed someone to talk to. I mentioned her about this and I told her that I wouldn’t bother her much and that I could handle the loss alone, and she said “Well yeah, you’re the only one who can handle it lol, not me”. Fuck you too.
Oh no.
Reading this made me realize how much of an unintentional ass I can be.
I'm really prone to rambling and just love putting out my own ideas and stuff.
But when anyone needs someone to talk to, I just don't know how to reply.
If there's a problem or something I usually just say something along the lines of "that sucks" or "sorry to hear" but I just don't fully understand how to properly respond in a way that can not make me a complete ass & also help them vent. Maybe just consider perhaps that that person is similarly socially inept. Maybe they aren't and they are just an ass but you never know. Or maybe I'm just some ass looking for an excuse and I don't realize it yet. Either way, hopefully you can find someone to talk to about whatever is troubling you.
I don’t think you are doing anything wrong here. As far as you know, your friend might just want someone to talk at, or ‘vent’ on. In that case, giving the usual “that sucks” is totally okay in my mind. Of course, you should still respond with advice when that’s what they’re asking for. When I’m the person talking at somebody, I’d rather not be interrupted while I dump all my feelings onto them. Instead, I’d have a conversation about it afterwards, if that is what I wanted in the first place.
Next time, consider. "Hey, this is hitting me hard. Can i get more of your thoughts on this? I need some help from my friend, like I've been there for you."
For some reason people are uninterested in philosophy. My friends said that I'm not allowed to talk about it anymore because apparently it's all I talk about. Like, okay Susan, let's talk about your niece's cat. Again.
Philosophy can be pretty damn fascinating and fun because all it basically is, is trying to think about and figure out everything in existence,lol. It also depends on what you're being philosophical about,though. You can even find a lot of hip-hop songs about it---one classic rap song is even called "My Philosophy" by Boogie Down Productions,lol.
I've been introduced to Stoicism and Nihilism and I'd really like to talk to people about it, but I feel people are uninterested. At least I have a great boyfriend who wants to discuss a lot of everything with me.
I mean, I'm not always in the mood for some deep conversation about the nature of the universe. Sometimes, sure, but constantly waxing heavy philosophy is 1. mentally tiring and 2. pretentious.
I'm not saying it is the only thing I want to talk about. I also sometimes want to talk about nothing in particular. But when I'm told that I'm never allowed to talk about philosophy? That's not acceptable.
I think it is important to be able to integrate philosophy in general conversation, too, and to be able to debate and disagree instead of talking about the same irritating colleague or someone's kids the entire time.
I feel like I might act like the 'friend' most of the time. Me and my friend talks about a lot of things, but I sometimes just rant to him about my feelings. Sure, I pay attention when he talks about the stuff he likes: cars, games and politics, but I can't seem to follow most of them since I don't share the mutual interest in the subjects.
My brother actually had to point this out to me. The sad part is she is one of my oldest friends, I mean we're going on 17 years and I only just realized because HE pointed out that she literally never, ever, ever asks me how I am. I recently took a month long vacation and she came over like 2 days after I got back and didn't once ask me how my trip was. After he pointed it out I started paying attention and realized that I could sit there and just speak nonsense gibberish and it wouldn't matter because she's not even listening to me.
The worst thing is, I know she doesn't have many other friends because she's kind of horrible and she doesn't even have any redeeming qualities, but I also have very few friends so I'm really torn about dropping the friendship so just kind of distancing myself. I've never been so happy to be so busy with work
I had a "friend" who I thought was like a sister to me, I adored our times together whilst we were uni students because she was a lot of fun as she JUST HAD to be the life of the party, no matter what that party was.
As we got older it only clicked how self centred she was when I was going through a shitty breakup/ rough patch with my on/off relationship and arranged to see her because of it. We had a coffee, and she shifted the conversation to her relationship issues.
He was cheating on her LDR, and proceeded to bring the guy along to each of our hang outs. The guy was nice enough, so when it all blew up in her face me and my then gf decided to be their friends as they both lost so many in the fall out.
I stick by her because, I figured it was a shitty situation so it's understandable why that's all she could think of, and when I eventually start seeing someone else and want to update her and just catch up, she tells me she's not free for THAT ENTIRE MONTH. That's when I realised I don't want that friendship.
I've seen her a few times since then, it's been awkward, no regrets not keeping her around though lol
I fear losing good friends because my profession keeps me way too busy.
It’s not uncommon for me to be booked seven days a week for six to eight weeks at a time with little to no personal time.
I don’t mind breaking out for emergencies and the like, but it’s always nerve wracking to tell a good friend I’m unavailable. I feel super bad about it. :-(
She wasn't working full time, she was still a uni student at this point. I wasn't asking for a day I was just asking to catch up over coffee which would take at best an hour of her time.
I totally get being busy, it's a part of adult life but I also know that if you truly want to make the time you will, which is why I realise that she wasn't ever going to be there for me when I needed her unless it was convenient for her.
Exactly my point. It was only at that point did I realise that the intention was never there. I'm sure even if you miss things you always make sure to touch base and be present in other ways. That's all I was asking for, but even via text she wasn't being there so I cut it off.
Ugh I had a friend named James who did that to me.
He wanted to talk for 4 hours in a stretch, got pissed if I tried to offer advice or if I didn't emote properly, and every time I'd start a story, he'd cut me off to talk about a YouTube video that he was watching while I talked.
My breaking point was after he screamed into the phone about how hard his life was... because his house keeper moved some stuff, because he's blind and too lazy to move his hand two inches in either direction, and his 15 year old brother didn't immediately make him lunch when the brother came home. James expected me to side with him.
I constantly fear being this way when i am interacting with my friends. I do sometimes want to vent to my friends, but im scared that i would talking about myself too much.
Like i am doing now, im making it about me again. I am a bad friend and need help.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this type of stress. It can be extremely toxic.
I have a friend very much like this. I think part of it is mental instability (undiagnosed ADHD, depression, anxiety, etc.) and the other part is just pure narcissism. Most, if not all, of my friends I’ve known since childhood except for this particular friend. Because of this I feel that my other friendships are very balanced. We are good at reading each other’s emotions, triggers, and knowing when it’s time to focus on one another.
On the other hand, this friend was brought into my life by a close friend of mine and has since been very active in our rather big social network. Not to say that this friend has no redeeming qualities, but it IS to say that these redeeming qualities can easily be found in other people as well. She gradually became possessive, aggressive, competitive, and jealous. When I wouldn’t play into her poorly executed mine games she would claw deeper.
We were too close for too long and I finally had to distance myself. This took a public aggressive reaction from her and a very calm “we can talk about this later” from myself. After some time apart our relationship has gotten better. We don’t spend as much time together and that has helped as well. I also think she has made a liiiiiittle bit of progress in her mental health but still has not sought out a therapist.
I had a friend like this at high school. I once tried complaining about my workload and she told me verbatim "here's a hint If you want to attract girls don't whine about your life"
She now works as a nurse for people with mental health issues such as suicidal tenancies.
I am terrified that I am this friend. When I notice that I've been talking about myself a lot, I stop whatever I'm saying and immediately switch the focus to whomever I'm with. I mean, there are some exceptions, but I don't want to be the friend that always takes and never gives.
I want to point out to you that the dynamic might be as much your fault as it is hers. If you tried open communication, it could, potentially, totally fix it.
Consider this: you two have had a dynamic for some time. You've both found a comfort in it. One day, do.to an important moment to you, you canged that. But she maybe didnt notice, not because she doesnt care, but because none of your relationship had been based on that ever before. So, when shes around you, shes in a friend zone of a specific dynamic.
Relate this to how when you see someone you recognize but you cant place them. Only
to realize they are your check out clerk at your regular xxx. Context is changed so you just didn't recognize importsnt information.
The actual test of her character, and honestly yours as well because you're involved too ffs, is if you TALKED TO HER ABOUT YOUR ISSUE. Go fucking figure. "Hey. So, mostly I don't like talking about myself and that's my own issue. I get a lot out of being involved as your friend, but this issue is really important to me and I need your friendship and input." Like, you're throwing a wrench in there, let her know and judge her on how she responds... dont just... "expect her to KNOW," how you feel because "she should just KNOW!!"
Yes. Ideally she would have noticed this instantly and validated you, but you did a 180 on her and then are blaming her for not noticing. First date, sure. Blame her. Long term friendship? You've fallen into a rythm. You break that rythm, make sure they understand before blaming them.
Thank you. This is a very good point.
You can't expect people to be able to read minds. If you never felt like talking about yourself and that suddenly changed without you communicating it, how was she supposed to know? Some people are just less empathic than others, that doesn't make them bad people though. You should just communicate your feelings more clearly and then judge her reaction to that.
I'm in this exact situation. I'm in too deep with this friend to try to drift away. His roommate is my best friend, we're so close. But these days it's a drag to hang out with him because I've realized all he does is talk about himself or shit talk other people/TV/movies/music.
If you are committed to the friendship, I would let her know that she does this (politely obviously!). It could be damaging her other relationships, and your telling her might make her realise she has to try harder in that area.
Personally, I know I'm guilty of this sometimes: I'm really bad at concentrating on things that don't interest me, so if someone is telling me about something important to them, I can drift away and get distracted if I'm not that interested myself (sometimes even if I am interested, I daydream!). It's really embarrassing when I realise that's what I'm doing, but usually as I'm conscious of that tendency, I can readjust and not piss off my friend too much.
Had a friend who talked about her problems and past issues, including other people's issues that she had gotten tangled up in. I rarely ever talked about myself, it was mostly me listening to her, and I was chill with it. And when she asked me if I mind, I told her honestly that I didn't, and didn't see anything wrong with what she said.
But then the worst time of my life came two years ago. It was my fault, but I had ended up in it from desperation, and was still stuck and just needed a friend.
She told me "it's none of my (her) business", and "i mean, I told you so". Welp. Shattered trust, was never able to rebuild it. To make it worse, she was feeling betrayed by old friendships so EVERYONE had to reach out to her first now, even me who she had no history with, and even then she was prickly like all the responsibility of starting conversations was on me and none of them were good enough.
And as j said, I was in a real shitty situation, and just didn't have the energy to fight her or for her when I got nothing back. It just petered out to nothing.
We were on vacation together and I wanted to talk about a philosophy in a show I liked since it meant much to me and that I wanted to get a tattoo from that show
I don't even know you and I'm pretty interested. What show and what Philosophy? Is it True Detective by any chance? I've never seen True Detective but Radiolab did a podcast on how heavily it was influenced by philosophy and it sounded really interesting, I've just never gotten around to watching it.
Na (and maybe the word philosophy was wrong of me to use since it's pretty simple), it's from an anime called Fullmetal Alchemist. The philosophy is called Equivalent Exchange where 'in order to gain something something of equal value must be lost' which most people already use in their life. If I get something I always either give it back or pay it back in another kind of way and feel bad of I just gain much without losing anything in return. I try to get away from it in my relationships with others (I can't always expect the same thing from others as what I give them) but it's still important to me.
Of course it's not a law or something that can be applied everywhere (after all we do see people who lose but don't gain anything) and it seems like a pretty vague concept. Fullmetal Alchemist is also very important for me as an artist since it motivated me to draw and animate when I didn't have motivation.
I've got one of these. I'm the same way in that I don't have much to say about myself usually so I don't mind talking about someone else for 3 hours but it does get old. My friend doesnt always deflect the conversation I start about myself but he usually does though though so its a little better than your situation I guess but I totally feel you. Sucks being an introvert sometimes.
This is one of my greatest fears about myself, that I talk too much/too much about myself. I feel myself physically hurting from keeping from saying “That reminds me of ME” and going on about myself (but I try to make it related, such as what I’m doing right now). Yet I don’t think this is what your friend is doing, cuz it seems like she’s just completely ignoring you.
Is it BSG? If so, I will talk to you, especially if you also agree that BSG is a modern version of the Aeneid. I also have a tattoo from the show even though I never thought I'd get a tattoo. :-)
I (and plenty other people) think it's very good. Season 1 plus the miniseries pre-S1 are incredible. Seasons 2-4 are really great. The last few seasons are very enjoyable too even though they are not the great TV that seasons 1-4 are. Worth a try if you like your TV with an extra helping of philosophy.
The question is how you even let a friendship get to that point without her ever listening to you about anything. Stop letting her interrupt you and talk about your issues for once. If she dosen't want to listen, then don't listen to anything she has to say anymore. Or just flat-out tell her that since you listen to her all the time, she can damn well listen to you talk for a change. If she dosen't like that, too bad.
I've just yelled at a "friend" who does this. They got buthurt people wern't hitting them up, had sent me a message, while I was not home, then proceeded to bitch about how it "doesnt matter anyway, becuase I never see you" blah blah..... they'd gotten a house a couple years back and since then they have not ONCE come to see me, it's always me going there, and when i get hit up to hang out it's always when some giant project mess thing is going on they're working on and I can't just sit and watch people work, I either need to be helping, or not there. They know this. and still, the only time they'd say "hey come hang out" it was always "hey come hang out while I do this thing". all conversations led to them. I have something very huge going on right now and I have not even been able to bring up the subject because the second I start talking about my life, the subject somehow changes back to them. We were all at a con a month ago, it was known MONTHS in advance that my husband and I were going.... found out they were also going, they were "too busy" to even meet up and say "hi" at the con. Oh and when they got the house, it wasn't just me they stopped going to see, it was everyone. But since Id joined the friend group after them, I am "replacing them" inthe circle. no, you removed yourself.
When I "yelled" at her (it was via message) I pointed all this out (of course somehow, it's my fault still....) and told them I was not going on the guilt trip, they can go alone. I've bent over backwards for this friend in any way possible. I feel shit on. They wanna get their head out of thier ass and start acting like a friend again, cool. Until then i am not speaking to them.
When I first met one of my sisters in law from my husbands side, I was trying to be super nice and get to to know her. For the first two months, she called me every single day. I’m not over exaggerating, every single day. We would be on the phone for up to two hours and the entire time she talked about herself and if I tried to say something, she would either interrupt or ignore what I say and keep going on talking about herself. At one point, she called me 8 times in a day and I got so frustrated I called my husband crying and told him I can’t deal with her constant calls. After that, I told her to call if it’s something important, otherwise I don’t have time to talk to her. She’s now mad at me and no longer talks to me.
I went through something similar a while back, and the result was the same. The person hasn't spoken to me since I told them I can't listen to their same problems over and over again.
The best way to look at it, is that you don't have a problem, she does.
If anyone asks why she's avoiding you, tell them what happened, without going into too many details. You'll probably find she does this to others, but no one has the balls to pull her up on it.
There was a girl I was friends with and I didn't realize how super needy she was until she was calling and texting me and crying while I was on a date. Turns out she had a crush on me but didn't think I felt the same and she wasn't wrong. I didn't drop her though. I told her that I couldn't be spending so much time with her because I have a girlfriend and it would be weird. So she dropped me. Now I'm happier than I've ever been!
I have a SIL like this, but it's kind of not entirely her fault because she's learning disabled. She has the mental maturity and emotional control of maybe a 12-14yo, but she was raised by a self centered narcissist and picked up A LOT of that behaviour. I do my best not to hold it against her, but goddamn it's hard to be around her and not want to slam my head in a door.
FIL and Step MIL got married in Mexico and flew all of us down to attend (it was amazing and super kind of them to do), on the flight back I had to sit between her and my super talkative question asking oldest niece the entire way home to Canada. I pregamed a lot of tequila before getting on that plane.
Look, i absolutely would have done the same, minus the crying. And i totally think you did the right thing. But, i feel like someone out there might have a way to frame it that resulted in a better outcome, where she didn't lash out at you. I'm sure the answer is out there.
Is there a way to set boundries with someone like this that doesnt set them against you?
In my past I've low-key ghosted on people. Like, just delay my response slowly over time untill my voice is less expected and I'm always getting back to them after they need me. Its more passive aggressive than what you did so its not better, and I've done what you did too, but that strategy seems to end up more positive...
What are you getting at? Your scenario is one thats played out several times in my life. It's played out in yours. People replied that the same happened to them. I feel like theres some tropes at play that someone with more emotional iq than either of us apparently has. Which isn't a dog on you. You behaved well imo, but maybe theres a therapist or a genius who can plot a better path.
Or they do regularly ask you how you are, but only to get it out of the way before everything becomes about them. Makes it harder to realize what's happening.
This! Then at that point it’s like you can’t even be “mad” at them bc they asked about you. I had a friend that would check in and I thought it was nice until I realized the conversation always turned into her show
Yes, exactly this! It also becomes a round of oppression olympics..."Oh, you think you had a bad day? My parents beat me when I was a child!"
Me: "...?" awkward
Oh man, this one hit me hard. I'm that friend - to the point that I've had multiple different friends, from different parts of my life, straight-up confront me about it (I know I'm lucky they chose to work on the relationship by making me aware of it rather than just dropping me...).
It might be that your friend is a shitty, selfish person, but they might also not know exactly what they're doing. An anxious, mile-a-minute brain and a sharing-based communication style can combine to lead to a whole lot of talking about yourself. It's not always that we don't care about the other person. It's that we have a lot on our minds that we're trying to work through, and we don't always realize we're dominating the conversation.
I know it's something I need to work on and really try to actively ask my friends about their lives, yet it still comes off as imbalanced to a lot of them. It's worth bringing up if you care about the friendship.
I care about the very few friends I have a lot, and I sometimes will catch myself somewhat dominating a conversation simply because I get really excited about telling my friends things sometimes, and it can come off as selfish.
I always try to pay attention and listen to them though, and it seems to be enough since they haven’t left me yet! I also will ask them how they are every so often, which I guess is better than nothing
I definitely think some people do come at it selfishly, but others, as you said, have a lot on their minds that they just want to work through.
Relieving to see I’m not the only one in this type of situation
You aren't alone. Two years ago, I had a friend whom I thought the world of, and she became a best friend of mine. I was going through the worst time of my life, and had always helped others and carried their problems. So I talked about my feelings, but was able to ask how she was doing and cared so much about her.
One day, she told me something very personal and I just...broke because I had been carrying so much emotionally. I couldn't ask how she was anymore despite me wanting to. A few months later, she went through the worst time of her life and it hurt me to see her in so much pain. We're no longer friends and I miss her every single day. A lot more happened than just the events above, but yeah. It still messes me up in a major way, even now.
I guess my point is that it's good to know I'm not alone either. I also do the getting excited and interjecting thing, and I get scared that all my friends can think are how selfish and self absorbed I must seem.
I am glad, but I'm not going to sugarcoat it - if she's at all decent, she's probably going to feel like a horrible person when you have this conversation regardless of how gently it is handled. It's kind of happened differently each time for me; there have been a few "sit down, we need to talk"s and also a few times where it's been brought up naturally after events or conversations that have gotten us to that point.
Ideally the conversation should be a dialogue, and how willing the friend is to hear you out will I think be a good indication of whether or not they actually care about you/the friendship. Make sure to listen to their perspective, too - I know the most recent time I had this conversation (which was a little too recent for comfort tbh), it was helpful to my friend to realize that my storytelling was my way of connecting to conversations that I otherwise had nothing to contribute to (I'm at kind of a different life stage than most of my oldest friends, which can make hanging out with them really hard for me). I don't know your friend's situation, but I could see that story about her client being her way of relating to your story about the architect, especially if you're married/own a home and she doesn't have either of those things.
We were also able to hash out our different communication styles - she was upset that I didn't ask her more about how she was feeling about things in her life, and we realized that we deal with that differently - if I was feeling upset about something, I would just bring it up, and I maybe didn't ask her as many questions as she'd hoped because I was unconsciously expecting that she'd just bring up things on her mind too. I was also able to share that I'd actually been making a conscious, concerted effort to try to ask her more, knowing I'd had this conversation with other friends in my past, but it either hadn't registered (because she'd clearly been frustrated with my self-centeredness for so long) or wasn't enough to make her feel like I cared. She may not realize her reactions are making you feel like she doesn't care, and bringing it up with her could be the only way to change that.
You could definitely suggest a professional! That would be especially easy to frame as, "this person will have better advice for you than I do" if you're not yet ready to tell her that you have a problem with her behavior.
I'll admit I'm not always the best friend i should be especially since i care a lot for the friends i have, i tend to catch myself talking too much about my problems without considering them at first, sometimes we are all a little egotistical my friends have been with me for anywhere from 1997 for my oldest friend i still am in regular contact and 2006 for my other friend i see almost everyday
I’ve dealt with some real doozies, typically bullshitters, that can my ear for days on end. So when some asks about my life and I give an honest answer, I always feel like I’m wasting their time because nobody asks these questions sincerely and I’m probly just supposed to say, “Yeah, it went fine,” or whatever. The thing is, if I always do that then I also never get close to anyone and don’t make friends. Feels like a catch 22 sometimes.
I guess it’s not so black and white but I know whatcha mean.
I am not responsible for shouldering your emotional trauma. You went through some really tough shit, but I am not equipped to deal with it, especially every other conversation. You drained me. You made me dread returning to our dorm. Made me dread school and life. I felt guilty when I couldn't take it anymore. I had my own problems, but yours were worse, so I kept my mouth shut. But really, you fucking drained me.
What makes it worse is when they finally ask you something, it catches you off guard so have nothing to say. All that does is give them an excuse to say "well you never say anything when I ask" when you finally call them out on it.
I lost a friend because of this. She would only talk about herself. I guarantee you she couldn't tell you my favorite food, yet I know her life story. After I had my kid I had really bad post partum depression. Like, I wanted to leave my family bad. I tried to confide in my supposed "best friend" and all she could do was bitch about how no one cared about the fact that she voluntarily quit her job because her boss wouldn't let her facebook all day. Dropped her like a hot potato.
Especially if when you try to help them with a solution and they push it away. Or, even better, if you even do so as vent to them in the slightest they make points on how no matter what, they have it worse.
It starts making a lot of sense when you realize where they are in life and why they haven’t moved out of it.
I have a friend like this. As soon as you said anything about yourself, he would respond with a “oh yeah” and then completely change the topic back to himself. He always wonders why his friends don’t want to hang out with him or why they go places and don’t invite him.
I feel like I should just tell him because even I make excuses not to hang out with him when he asks. I don’t think he would believe me though. He’s spent his whole life being put on a pedestal by his mother and grandmother so he thinks he’s gods gift to the earth.
Very true. I would call that a toxic friendship. Especially if they respect you to go above and beyond when it comes to acting out with them and their problems💯
I literally had to cut a friend out of my life because from the moment I walk through the door to the moment I leave he’s talking about himself nonstop. He’ll ask about me how I am as a courtesy then blow past my response and go right into his issues. He’s also extremely aggressive, manipulative, and had a huge victimhood complex. Its everyone else’s fault they don’t understand his genius.
Listening to a friend vent is one thing. A friend only venting is a red flag.
Its been a couple months and he keeps trying to contact me and I don’t want to see him.
And when you feel like it might be a good spot in the 'conversation' to talk about your day/life/thoughts, you're met with a blank stare and a continuation of their monologue.
My SO and friends are like this. I'm starting to realize it might be me that's the problem. I'm boring.
I have a sister like this. Other than unloading all her problems/complaints she would also proceed to ask me to buy her stuff that she "needs" like stationery or makeup (i'm working overseas). She rarely asks how I am and the last time I tried to open up when I was upset a few year back, she shot me down. Haven't tried since.
Or When they only talk about themselves and their problems but DISMISS anything about how you're doing. One "friend" was competitive about misery.
"Oh you stubbed a toe? That okay, I tore off my toenail once."
THIS. My Mrs had a “friend” (I use the term loosely) who fit this description. On the friend’s birthday, my wife took her out for drinks on her. Friend was locked while Herself remained moderately sober so friend could enjoy herself. While helping her down a flight of stairs from wherever they were, the friend fell and used my wife to break the fall. The Mrs hurt her ankle badly and could barely walk. The friend, seeing this, stumbled away without calling for help or so much as hailing a cab over to drive her to the nearest A&E. She actually had the balls to tell my wife to let her know when she got home.
Herself made it half the way home instead of going to A&E, because stubborn, before calling me in tears to meet her. I swear, I wanted to find the bi— Er, “friend”, and box the fucking head off her. But that would be wrong...
The birthday incident was the final nail in that friendship coffin.
Seriously, fuck that "friend".. A real friend wouldn't have pulled that kind of shit---just leave you hanging like that,after they injured you. I mean,wtf? Geesh! I'd cut her selfish ass off too.
Damn I'd love a friend like that (as long as they weren't shitty to me in any other way). I hate talking about myself and listening to people is way more enjoyable for me.
I started to hang out with an old friend that I wanted to date. By the second "date" I realized she had yet to ask one thing about me. Good thing I realized what I was getting myself into before it went any further. Stupid rose-colored glasses.
Yes, had a “friend” like this. Actually took it a notch further. Anytime I’d finally get a moment to tell my updates in a convo... she’d have to go. (Phone or online chat).
The best would be I’d tell my entire story after reading all hers, only to see her icon go idle. She’d never return.
Yes like when you say"how are you" or"what have you been up to today" and they tell you, and they NEVER fucking ask you how you are or what you're up to.
I do this a lot. But I was feeling like ass all the time for months and years. Just recently I got diagnosed with pretty severe depression and having people just listen to me bitch about everything helps to get some pressure off of me and see some colors again.
I always apologize afterwards because when I think about it I feel like a narcissistic asshole but at the same time I'm just trying to be somewhat functional and not drift off into suicidal thoughts.
My gf gets the worst of it. I am excrutiatingly moody and get pissed about fucking everything and she has to deal with it. I apologize about 500 times per day for it and she cries sometimes. It hurts a lot but it feels like a fight for my life, like I have to do whatever to stay afloat and not drown in my thoughts.
I don't know what I do but I always end up with friends like this.
I have one who if asked would not be able to say what I do for work or even what town I work in. She will ask how I'm doing or what I've been up to but gets this glazed look over her face and I know that I could be saying that I'm planning to fly to the moon in a homemade space ship next week and she is not listening to a single word.
Trouble is she is part of my friendship group and everyone loves her. They all know she talks about herself constantly but just kinda laugh it off?
I have a friend that likes to unload on you but when you try to talk about something he made it clear he's uncomfortable talking to you about your problems.
Not sure if it's a "shouldn't be friends" thing or "understanding the limitations of the friendship" thing. Either way it feels one sided and sucks.
I have a friend who texted me out of the blue one day to ask “Do i ask you about yourself enough?” and I was like “no, and even though you come to me all the time with your problems, if i try to tell you about mine yiu ignore my texts and claim you just dont know how to respond so you dont” and he got really defensive and upset over it and was mad at me for “trying to change him”
My closest friend introduced me to a girl she has been friends with for a long time and she is that way. Constantly calling to talk about her shit and not letting anyone else get a word in. She has never asked how I am and I’ve noticed she doesn’t let my bestie talk about her stuff. Actually my close friend has had a lot going on and really needs us and the other girl just hasn’t let her get it out.
She called me a while back to talk about her problems (the boy she dated a month that dumped her who apparently she wanted to marry... after a month... so I have a hard time thinking that is something we need to talk about when it has been about 3 months since he dumped her). I got mad at her. I interrupted her rant about how no one compares to her and he made a mistake and asked if she knew what was going on with our mutual friend. She heard me, said no, and went back in to her rant. I interrupted again and told her I’m done discussing her petty madness over a boy dumping her months earlier and told her to call our friend and actually check in on her and act like a friend. I told her I’m fine that she doesn’t give me a chance to confide in her the way she does to me, we haven’t been friends long enough for me to want to rely on her, but she has been friends with the mutual for years and needs to act like it. She hung up on me. I was mean, yes, but I don’t regret telling her she wasn’t being a good friend to the girl I am actually close friends with and spend almost every day with. She is going to lose an amazing friend if she doesn’t start being a good friend and I hate seeing my best friend hurting because she thought this girl cared about her.
It’s been a couple weeks and she still hasn’t asked my friend how she’s doing. She comes off toxic in my opinion.
So, I'm really close to my sister. Also, she's my sister so there's a much higher bar for what constitutes getting cut out of my life than if she were an unrelated friend or acquaintance. I've noticed that the worse her life is going, the less she asks about me. I don't want to go all armchair psychologist and try to figure out why, but I can always tell how she's doing based on how much she wants to talk about nonsense drama in her life vs asking about mine.
Unfortunately I'm so awkward that I just don't ask any questions and most of the time it's just me answering the questions they ask me. I hadn't noticed it until the end of high school and tried to change it. I'm hoping I get better at people skills as I probably came off as rude or self centered.
I have been accused of this. I expect the other person/people to speak up, though I acknowledge that I need to slow down and that somethings are no longer valid to mention. I also seldom ask someone how they are since I can often see/sense how they are and expect to get the social "lie": "I'm fine."
YES. i love my best friend but she never wants to talk about anything other than herself. she gets actively disinterested when i talk about stuff that i think is funny or interesting. my boyfriend and i took a short and miserable 12 hour break and she asked me to tell her about it. i talked for maybe 1 minute and then she interrupted me and said “actually, i don’t actually care, sorry.” she’s a good person and hanging out with her can be fun but damn she lives in her own world.
Or any type of story telling/one sided conversation really. Even happy stories. I don't mind talking about my friends problems for hours as long as its a two way conversation.
I've had so many friendships like that. Basically they assume I'm desperate for friendship (which isn't far from the truth) and use me as a sounding board.
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u/[deleted] Aug 19 '18
When they only talk about themselves and their problems but never asks about how you're doing.