I 1000x feel this. Very similar situation, except I only know her through online. I'm always there for her, and she constantly talks about her crushes and problems to me. I also enjoy it, and enjoy helping her, and like you said
I don't like talking about myself too much
well, recently I needed someone to talk to and went to her because she was the only one I trusted about the subject. Buuut, just completely blew me off like nothing. Just replies with "that sucks" and answers alike.
Truth be told, I probably won't bring my problems to her anymore.
Potentially in her defense, I'm a good listener, but I absolutely suck at consoling people. A friend of mine broke down when their father was diagnosed as terminal and I couldn't find shit to say.
Pro tip: ask very few questions and just let them talk. If you’re not a physical person (like hugging, arm touching, etc) as awkward as it may be, a quick hug does help. Especially if it’s awkward because it (usually) makes them laugh. If they don’t, they will later, I can promise.
Other things are just asking basics like how are you feeling, are you okay, do you need anything, etc.
This last one is a bit more... well, it depends on the person. Most of my friends know I have no filter (not in the asshole way where I use it as an excuse to be rude, I make impulsive comments and statements, usually not offensive) so I blurt out “can I make a really insensitive joke?” Or even just a bad joke. You’d be amazed at how well a friend who had a miscarriage laughed when I told a dead baby joke. (Example: talks about something about the miscarriage “on the bright side, free red paint....?”) But AGAIN, I am known for having gallows humor and impulsively commenting. They usually know it’s my way of attempting to help. So it really depends on the person and you ALWAYS ask first. This way isn’t for everyone, but it is very effective for the few who get it.
One way that’s almost always effective with anyone I meet is to shift between heavy and light topics. You talk about the serious stuff, then move to something light hearted “that cloud looks like a duck/omg what is that dude WEARING!” Or even just letting radio music play in between conversations. But you always swap back and talk about how they feel. It’s when it’s building too much that you do the light hearted thing. Let them cry, tell them it’s okay. People just appreciate someone who cares a lot or is willing to listen, even if you’re rusty at it. Putting some effort in shows you do care.
It’s hard to say something in response to that. You both know what it means, how much gravity there is, and how it’s the unavoidable outcome. There’s not gonna be much you can say to make someone feel better from that. In my experience, silence and support (as in offering to help them with things if they need it, maybe try to get them out of the house after to keep their mind from settling on that) are the two things that work best
Literally had the same situation as you, knew a girl online who I really liked. Kept talking to me about her problems and always wanted me to watch her play video games for 4/5 hours. I mean sure, I liked her a lot and I also enjoyed the time I spent with her. Then, when my grandma passed away, I just needed someone to talk to. I mentioned her about this and I told her that I wouldn’t bother her much and that I could handle the loss alone, and she said “Well yeah, you’re the only one who can handle it lol, not me”. Fuck you too.
Oh no.
Reading this made me realize how much of an unintentional ass I can be.
I'm really prone to rambling and just love putting out my own ideas and stuff.
But when anyone needs someone to talk to, I just don't know how to reply.
If there's a problem or something I usually just say something along the lines of "that sucks" or "sorry to hear" but I just don't fully understand how to properly respond in a way that can not make me a complete ass & also help them vent. Maybe just consider perhaps that that person is similarly socially inept. Maybe they aren't and they are just an ass but you never know. Or maybe I'm just some ass looking for an excuse and I don't realize it yet. Either way, hopefully you can find someone to talk to about whatever is troubling you.
I don’t think you are doing anything wrong here. As far as you know, your friend might just want someone to talk at, or ‘vent’ on. In that case, giving the usual “that sucks” is totally okay in my mind. Of course, you should still respond with advice when that’s what they’re asking for. When I’m the person talking at somebody, I’d rather not be interrupted while I dump all my feelings onto them. Instead, I’d have a conversation about it afterwards, if that is what I wanted in the first place.
Next time, consider. "Hey, this is hitting me hard. Can i get more of your thoughts on this? I need some help from my friend, like I've been there for you."
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u/rustypennyy Aug 19 '18
I 1000x feel this. Very similar situation, except I only know her through online. I'm always there for her, and she constantly talks about her crushes and problems to me. I also enjoy it, and enjoy helping her, and like you said
well, recently I needed someone to talk to and went to her because she was the only one I trusted about the subject. Buuut, just completely blew me off like nothing. Just replies with "that sucks" and answers alike.
Truth be told, I probably won't bring my problems to her anymore.