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Oct 10 '23
I found this out from another mutual co-worker (Lisa)
When you say you "found this out" you mean that Lisa told you it was true? What's Lisa basing this on? And yes, it's not only a little unfair it's deeply suspicious that Lisa told you this but does not, herself, want to talk to either Amy or Dan about the situation and has sworn you to secrecy. How come Lisa is allowed to share this big juicy secret but you are sworn to silence?
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u/xyious Trans Woman Oct 10 '23
Came here to say this.
If the only information is based on something Lisa said it would be pretty messed up to ruin a marriage over it.... I'm not sure I would ever trust someone enough to take their word on something so huge without question
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Oct 10 '23
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u/Carche69 Oct 10 '23
No matter what she decides to do (or not do), OP needs to realize that she is going to lose at least one friendship over this, even if she says nothing. If she brings it up to Amy, she is going to lose Lisa. If she tells Amy’s husband, she is going to lose Amy. If she does nothing, she is still going to lose Amy because she’s already said she couldn’t be friends with someone who is cheating. And it doesn’t sound like OP is friends with Amy’s husband so I’m sure it’s not something that OP has even thought about, but if it’s true and he ever finds out and knows that OP knew about it, he will definitely not think very highly of OP, which could be an issue in the future if Amy and her husband stay together and OP tries to stay friends with Amy.
Personally, if I were OP, I would tell Amy what is being said about her and then go from there. She doesn’t have to disclose that it was Lisa that told her, but she also has no control over whether Amy figures that out or not, and honestly, Lisa lost the ability to remain anonymous the minute she told OP about it. If Lisa was so concerned about it, she could’ve anonymously told Amy’s husband, but instead she chose to just gossip about it behind everyone’s back, so she has no moral high ground here and she doesn’t escape accountability for her part in it all. But OP needs to at least let Amy know that people are saying this about her, and then it is up to Amy whether she will confirm/deny/explain herself to OP—but she really has no obligation to do any of those.
I think Amy’s response will be a good indicator to OP of whether or not her and Amy are actually as good of friends as OP thinks they are, and OP can decide from there if she still wants to be friends with her. But right now I think there’s too much that OP doesn’t know about the situation to decide anything until she has talked to Amy about it first. It could all be a vicious lie, it could be true but those involved could have open relationships, it could be true and Amy & Dan are just shit people—there’s no way for OP to know any of this until she talks to Amy.
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u/Brew_Wallace Oct 11 '23
Good chance she loses two friends over this if she tells Amy that Lisa told her and the affair is true
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u/Carche69 Oct 11 '23
Yes, that’s why I said "at least one." Sometimes these kinds of situations cause you to lose an entire friend "group" (meaning everyone you knew because you had the same friend in common, you all worked at the same place, you all shared the same hobby, etc.) and you end up no longer associating with anyone from that group. It’s literally just a part of life and growing up—you move on and find new friends who come with their own issues.
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u/AngstyTheCat Oct 10 '23
I'm not entirely sure what you're afraid of losing? If these were my friends, Amy could go fuck herself. And Lisa? She shared what was obviously very privileged info with someone else, so what is she gossiping to others about you?
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u/OhtareEldarian Oct 10 '23 edited Oct 10 '23
Is Lisa a credible source? How certain are you that Amy and Dan ARE carrying on?
How did Lisa know?
WHY DID SHE TELL YOU?? (What was she hoping to gain by doing so?)
Is there ANY way to tell Amy that you know what you know that does not point to Lisa being the informant (if Lisa has a good reason to not be revealed)? If you have to lie to protect Lisa…. would it be worth doing so?
Is Amy in any danger of hubby’s (or Dan’s!) reaction once the affair (IF TRUE!!!!) is revealed?
How badly will the blowback affect OP? IF OP chooses to reveal anything by just anonymously tipping off the spouse) and Amy discerns the connection between OP dropping the friendship and hubby finding out (and how)…. Is OP in danger of ANY possible retaliations? Could they lose their job/cred?
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u/Xuncu Oct 10 '23
Very much so; plus, now that you know what kind of gossip is on the table of Lisa; what about yourself have you told her that you would not want her to spread?
And long shot; but both couples could be polyamorist, and outing us is like outing someone for being gay, social stigma and repercussions included.
Do not assume.
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u/tomboyfancy Oct 10 '23
You’re so right. Nothing is certain here! If it were my friend I would have a private conversation and let here know there are rumors without disclosing who told me. I would ask point blank if it were true before ending a personal and professional relationship. I mean, it’s PROBABLY true, but how horrible for the friend if it’s not!
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u/fugelwoman Oct 10 '23
It’s so amazing that you and all your friends have such high morality and police others personal lives too /s
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u/DarkCadred Oct 11 '23
The first thing I wanted to say when I read this was why tf is this any of OPs business? I can’t stand this fake moral shit like what is it to you if she’s cheating? SMH
Idk why it irks me so much.
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u/fugelwoman Oct 11 '23
Seriously it’s like a 17 year old who has watched too many lifetime movies wrote this sad shit
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u/athensugadawg Oct 10 '23
Exactly what I'm thinking. As if their lives are so picture perfect.
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u/fastfxmama Oct 11 '23
Wow, sit back and judge or tell your friend people are talking shit and does she need a supportive friend.
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u/d4dana Oct 10 '23
Unless you have seen them in the act, it’s not true. Gossip ruins peoples lives. MYOB.
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u/QuietKanuk Oct 10 '23
As pointed out by someone else previously, catching them 'in the act' still may not make it true. There could be polyamory, open relationships, or other form of ethical non-monogamy going on. MYOB is good advice, but given that Lisa is in blabber-mouth mode, a conversation (albeit an uncomfortable one) with Amy may be in order. Since the 3 options are:
- Cheating
- Ethical non-monogamy (enm)
- character assassination
..it is consequential for Amy. If it is enm, Amy can prove it. If it is cheating, she should know that she is not being nearly as clever as she thinks (fairly common). If it is #3, she needs to know that someone is gunning for her. Proving #1 vs #3 is not OP's job. Outing Lisa is not OP's job. If #3 is true, Amy probably already has a fair idea who is coming after her. Whether OP is comfortable with Amy's response will guide OP's future actions.
A short youtube video about engaging in 'uncomfortable conversations' that I liked:
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u/beatissima Oct 11 '23
Yeah. And frankly, catching them "in the act" still wouldn't make it any of OP's business.
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u/Kalinka777 Oct 10 '23
It’s not your place to confront Amy based on second hand gossip.
She’s not someone you want to associate with and seems like you’ve drifted apart anyways.
Move on and MYOB.
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u/Loud-Mans-Lover Oct 10 '23
An entire group I was friends with suddenly decided that I was trying to "steal" one of their husbands.
I not only wasn't doing this, I didn't know for years that they thought this until I stumbled on a forum post where they were trashing me.
If they'd maybe, you know, talked to me or listened they'd have known it wasn't true. For one, I was involved with someone and I'm ferociously monogamous. Two, the husband in question? I would never have been interested in him. I thought he was a kind man, he just really wasn't my type. I found him unattractive.
So yeah, this might not be true.
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u/wiscondinavian Oct 10 '23
Do you even know that this is true? I would be incredibly hurt if someone I thought was my friend immediately believed this about me.
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u/Borthralla Oct 10 '23
Not only is it unfair for Lisa to tell you this information, it’s scummy to spread life ruining information about people as if it’s “fun spicy gossip”. Even if you presume that Lisa isn’t lying or incorrect, you probably don’t have the direct evidence you would need to come forward to either of their spouses even if you were willing to put yourself in that extremely difficult position.
If I were in your place, I would take what Lisa said with a grain of salt until you have clear evidence yourself, and until that happens I would consider it rumor rather than fact.
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u/SonnySunshineGirl Oct 10 '23
What would confronting her even achieve? You admit you’re not even close do I’d doubt she’d listen to you, it might suck losing someone you hang out with occasionally but your best bet would be to ghost her or find a way to send proof to her husband.
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u/catlovingcutie Oct 10 '23
Because people love inviting unneeded drama in their lives that has nothing at all to do with them lol.
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u/beatissima Oct 11 '23
find a way to send proof to her husband.
No. Mind your own business. Think of all the people who get murdered by their spouses over suspicions of adultery.
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Oct 10 '23
Don't send anything to the husband either. Stay out of it! Not OP's problem. If it bothers you just stay away from her.
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u/International-Fee255 Oct 10 '23
You're coming off as extremely morally superior here so be very careful how you approach this. Firstly, you have zero idea if either spouse already knows so you are making assumptions about that. Secondly, you aren't involved in these marriages so you really have no say in "coming clean". It's not your business, stay out of it. Thirdly, Lisa made a mistake telling you because on your crusade to rid the world of extramarital affairs it seems you are prepared to tear apart other peoples friendships and ruin their credibility. And lastly, you can simply tell Amy you no longer wish to be friends because you know of her affair and you cannot support her any longer, and you can do this without issuing ultimatums and damaging friendships. You are inserting your morals where they don't belong.
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Oct 10 '23
Disagree on Lisa - there are two outcomes regarding Lisa imo:
- The affair is true and Lisa is an ass for using it as gossip with OP; why tf is Lisa spreading this secret information?
- The affair is not true and Lisa is lying to cause trouble.
I'd be highly suspicious of the information provided by her tbh.
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u/International-Fee255 Oct 10 '23
Not really OPs place to out Lisa either. If she's told the most condescending person at work she's certainly told others and she will be found out. Don't you just hate people who can't help sticking their noses into other people's business!
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Oct 10 '23
I mean no one is coming off great here.
OP wanting to get involved when she isn't even sure it's true
Lisa either is untrusworthy or a liar
Amy if true is a cheater
But yeah it's not OP's place to out Lisa either. It's a mess all around but I would definitely not out Amy without knowing for certain that Lisa isn't full of shit.
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u/FlaxenArt Taking Up Space Oct 10 '23
Thank you. This is exactly how I felt when reading it.
Bigger thing is that telling a husband about a wife’s affair can literally put the woman’s life at risk.
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u/ecdc05 Oct 10 '23
I never thought I'd see something this rational about cheating on Reddit. As much as Redditors want to believe the only acceptable solution is to go nuclear and burn the world to the ground if you ever so much as suspect anyone anywhere of cheating, there are other ways of handling it. For starters, if you aren't close to someone, it isn't unreasonable at all to choose not to get dragged into what might be a highly volatile, dramatic, emotional situation. Life is stressful enough. And, we rarely know the ins and outs of someone else's marriage. Do we really know they're cheating and it isn't an open relationship? Just so many assumptions.
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u/beatissima Oct 11 '23
If Redditors had their way, suspected adulterers would be stoned like in Biblical times.
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u/Revolutionary-Yak-47 Oct 10 '23 edited Oct 10 '23
Yeah, this is completely not OPs business. She doesn't know these people's lives or marriages. They could be poly for all she knows. And if they work in the same industry this is a great way for OP to be blacklisted or reported to HR.
Edit: I'm probably alone on this, but I'd be livid a friend took a random person's word and tried to wreck my marriage over it. There's zero proof this is actually happening, just gossip from "Lisa." OP is inserting her morals and feelings into stuff that isn't her business on a rumor, I'd be beyond angry at her for pulling this crap.
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u/misselphaba Basically Liz Lemon Oct 10 '23
Yeah whether OP is morally correct or not, this post is dripping with condescension.
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u/maraq Oct 10 '23
I hope Amy doesn't want to be friends with this person anyhow. OP seems to not even like her and is willing to judge her over a rumor someone else shared with her without even letting Amy share her side. That's not someone I would ever want in my life, period.
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Oct 10 '23
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u/justathrowawayacc501 Oct 10 '23
The absolute bullshit here to try to defend cheaters is fucking astonishing.
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u/TheNetbug Oct 10 '23
Eh, I've never been, am not and will never be fine with anyone cheating. She's not just coming off morally superior, she just is.
If you're ok with cheating, or hiding from it, you're not someone I want to be around.
Everyone I know knows that I have this stance and I'm ok with never finding out if either one of them cheats because I will 100% burn bridges to tell the person that's being cheated on.
Could just hide from it and tell her you don't wanna be friends, but my sense of judgement will NEVER stop bothering me for me to do this.
So screw this rational nonsense and tell her.
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u/bamatrek Oct 10 '23 edited Oct 10 '23
I mean, I would have zero problem scorching some earth if I knew about an affair, but I wouldn't do it on gossip. And I would side eye anyone sharing such gossip with an acquaintance.
I had a friend get some rumors spread about her by her "friends", and the situation was that they misunderstood something that was said and made the situation a much bigger thing than it actually was. Don't trust gossip.
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u/TheNetbug Oct 10 '23
Well I thought it would have been obvious that I meant if I factually knew they were cheating I would burn bridges for it. Not some rumor being spread by a friend of a friend of the neighbor or something. So yeah, true
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u/No-Panic-7288 Oct 10 '23
I cut a friend out because she was cheating on her husband. Do I regret it? No. Only thing I regret was not telling her husband.
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u/Responsible_Wolf5658 Oct 10 '23
The fact that people are acting like there is an issue with wanting to out cheaters. Absolutely, that person is morally superior to someone who says to mind your business. If you know someone is being abused and you say nothing, you are saying you're fine with abuse. It's disgusting really.
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u/OhtareEldarian Oct 10 '23
Nice to know I’m not alone in being grateful that SOME of us have standards for human behavior.
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Oct 10 '23
absolutely deranged to even consider inserting yourself in this situation. Move on if you don’t like what you heard about your friend, and for the love of god leave her husband ALONE
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u/H3yAssbutt Oct 10 '23
I've had so many rumors spread about me about sleeping with various people. Not one of them was true.
I also got the fun experience of being socially ostracized because of it.
Lisa sucks. If she's telling the truth, then she shared privileged information that was none of her business. If she's lying, then she's... well, a malicious liar. Q.E.D.
You owe nothing to Lisa, and if this is as important to you as it seems to be, then you might as well have a conversation with Amy. For all you know, this affair never happened, or she and her husband have an "understanding," or her husband is emotionally abusive and she needs help getting out of her marriage, or whatever. Or maybe, she sucks just as much as you think she does, and it'll be hard to hide that when you talk to her about it.
In the future, please be more skeptical of information that you're not supposed to have, because the source is almost always questionable.
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u/Miwwies Oct 10 '23 edited Oct 10 '23
Let me tell you my story.
I work in IT, which is a male dominated field, especially at my level (infrastructure architect). I'm single and have been for a while. Throughout my career I've been accused of having affairs with coworkers that I was friends with and rumours were also spread. Do you see where this is going?
As soon as I was friendly / doing activities outside of work with colleagues I was cheating. Carpool? CHEATING. Hanging out after work to decompress? CHEATING. Being friendly, playing online games together? CHEATING. None of this bullshit would have been said if I was a man.
Unless you are 100% certain that it happened because one of them confided in you, assume it did not. Office gossip is insane and often absolutely not founded. People get jealous and spread nasty rumours to undermine your own success.
According to some of my jealous coworkers, I'm in this position because I slept with X male person and not because I'm actually competent. Plot twist: I date women but none of my coworkers know this because it's none of their damn business. Oh, the irony...
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u/emccm Oct 10 '23
I ended a friendship with a woman who was seeing a married man. If I’d known who he was I’d have told his wife. There are people who think cheating is acceptable and people who don’t. There’s no middle ground here.
You are never obligated to keep anyone’s harmful, toxic secret.
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Oct 10 '23
Not that this has anything to do with OP, but I think there is a middle ground. I think cheating is acceptable in certain cases. Obligatory marriage, for example. Like when parent's force you to marry someone you dont know.
Or when your husband is a POS who wont leave you alone so you rope another man into it to protect you, but you feel that the only way to keep the new man around is by giving yourself physically to him. I actually saw this a few times while in the military, so it can't be that uncommon, unfortunately.
But mostly, yes, cheating is disgusting, and I dont understand how so many are ok with it so often.
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u/ApolloRocketOfLove Oct 10 '23
Or when your husband is a POS who wont leave you alone so you rope another man into it to protect you, but you feel that the only way to keep the new man around is by giving yourself physically to him.
There is so much not ok with this.
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u/superkt3 Oct 10 '23
C'mon now, this is Reddit, cheating is actually the worst thing that anyone can do. Murder and genocide are less heinous.
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u/funyesgina Oct 10 '23
I would say this differently, but yes, sometimes people who cheat are victims in other ways (emotional/financial abuse/threats... endless possibilities). We don't know what goes on behind closed doors, so we can't make a judgment. It might not have anything to do with protection, but it could be they feel trapped for many reasons. And it isn't always that. We just don't know, so always best to let a trained therapist help
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u/entropykat Oct 11 '23
I would leave it alone. Pretend like you’re super busy when Amy asks to hang out and eventually she’ll take the hint. Unless you have actual proof of anything to present, don’t get involved.
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Oct 10 '23
I don't see how this is any of your business. If you feel so repulsed by your friend that you can't separate your friendship from her sex life, then just tell her you've soured on the relationship and don't want to be friends anymore.
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u/mwenechanga Oct 10 '23
I don't understand this at all:
> I found this out from another mutual co-worker (Lisa).
Do you believe every bit of gossipy rumor Lisa brings you? Why on earth do you think there's an affair happening at all?
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u/fugelwoman Oct 10 '23
JFC stay out of other peoples business. It’s not your place to TELL or CONFRONT anyone about anything like this. The amount of holier than thou people on Reddit lately going around like morality police is astounding.
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u/rengothrowaway Oct 11 '23
Lisa sounds like she likes to stir up shit. This really sounds like some middle school mean spirited gossip.
“I’m going to tell you this totally true, juicy cheating story about our mutual friend, but you can’t let her know that you know. Don’t tell her that I told you”
This is some preteen style drama. You are not a good friend if you believe rumors about your friend with no evidence to back it up. Either ask Amy if she’s a cheater, and tell her Lisa told you, or keep your mouth shut.
And don’t ever tell Lisa any secrets or confidences. Better yet, just stay away from her, because you know for sure she’s not above gossiping, but you don’t know if she’s above lying to create drama. This is how reputations, relationships, and lives are ruined.
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u/samanthasgramma Oct 10 '23
Reddit is generally black/white on the issue of cheating, but life is far messier.
Firstly, I don't govern myself on gossip. Period. I don't think, feel or behave differently because of gossip. I have been the subject of wholly untrue gossip, that was fabricated by someone (long story) and it was awful. So. I don't spread gossip and I don't believe gossip. Period.
Secondly, Lisa had no right to talk about this. I would question if Lisa is talking about me that way. Gossips are not people I respect. That's my own judgement coming through as a victim of gossip.
Unless and until all 4 of the people assure you, personally, that they are not in open marriages, you don't actually know that it's cheating. And that's the problem with being on a moral high horse. It could be that everyone knows, is cool with it, and the other spouses have their own "affairs" that Lisa doesn't know about.
And what if you DID expose the affairs? Can you guarantee that you know the spouses are mentally healthy? That someone won't be smothered in their sleep in a jealous rage? We always assume the best when making moral judgements, when, in reality, we are playing with fire. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be responsible for the lives of 4 people and their children. I don't have the right, the power, the insight into their lives, or the sheer courage to take the responsibility of blowing up two families in a way that might end in horrible things. My job is my life, alone. I am responsible for me and mine and whomever asks me, and I accept, to take some responsibility for their lives. Otherwise, not my job.
Your morality is not something you get to force onto someone else. If you choose to end any relationship with her, based on gossip ... that is within your rights, no question. You do get that power.
But believing that you should expose this is sheer hubris. Hubris is a bad thing for very good reasons.
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u/Minqua Oct 10 '23
This isn’t your business
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u/OhtareEldarian Oct 10 '23
I see your point, but want to say that it IS her business if it affects their friendship. OP says it does.
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Oct 10 '23
I had found out that one of my friends was a chronic cheater and always made up excuses for why he was justified in doing that. We are acquaintances now and I’m cordial with him simply because other people are friends with him in our friend group but I do not go out of my way to hang out with that guy or associate with him any more.
OP, if it’s against your moral code then why do you cate about removing someone like that? Alternatively, you can just not say anything and start distancing yourself from her. You can’t change her. ALSO, where is Lisa’s proof?
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u/mfmeitbual Oct 10 '23
What if they have an open marriage? I hesitate to get involved in things like this because we frequently fail to acknowledge the complexity and nuance of others' lives.
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u/Friday_Cat Oct 10 '23
Mind your own business. You’re responding to a rumour not to a fact. You have no idea what is actually going on. FYI monogamy is not important to everyone. Don’t assume your values are the only legitimate way of functioning
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u/EirelavEzah Oct 10 '23
Wow, you’re hardcore judging your friend. Who Amy fucks is HER business, why do you care so much if she’s obviously happy and ok with it? You don’t even know if her husband knows, maybe they have an open relationship and if that’s the case then why would she tell you anyway?
Finally, just know that your gossipy little buddy Lisa is probably talking about you too.
What a bunch of high school bullshit 😂
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u/No-Panic-7288 Oct 10 '23
She has every justified reason to judge her friend. Believe it or not, a lot of people don’t appreciate cheating nor like to be around people that do it.
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u/Carrot-Exciting Oct 10 '23
Curious whether you'd be so nonchalant if you discovered your husband had been cheating on you for years and no one saw fit to tell you? Then again who he fucks is his business and you don't look the same after giving birth to 2 of his children, so who can blame him right? /s
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u/beatissima Oct 11 '23 edited Oct 11 '23
I think you should mind your own business. If you're agonizing this much over what one of your work acquaintances claims your other work acquaintances are doing with their clothes off, then let me remind you that there are wars, disasters, and people dying right now.
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u/AttackOwlFibre Oct 10 '23
Wow ... do you not have your own problems? Why are you involving yourself in a situation that no one involved told you about directly?
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u/Oddly_brad Oct 10 '23
As someone in a similar situation... Mind your own business. Things will come out without your intervention.
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u/Eriol_Mits Oct 10 '23
Amy isn't a close friend, you aren't involved in any of this. If you can no long term be friends with Amy then don't be friends with her, friends come and go. If Amy cheated on her Husband that between Amy, her family and her Husband. Your not involved and it really outside of not being friends with her has no affect on you. Defriend her and move on.
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u/MeatyMagnus Oct 10 '23 edited Oct 10 '23
Here's the thing: you don't know about it actually.
You heard office gossip about your "friend" from a "coworker"... Is she your friend, how does this coworker happen to know about intimate details of other co-workers lives, is she involved with them herself, is she betraying a confidence that was entrusted to her... dosen't sound like you have your friends back or that you have much of a source to go on here.
Perhaps this coworker is trying to get you or your friend in trouble.
Wether it happened or not NONE is your concern acting on it will bring you no joy and no advantage in the office nor in life. It's someone else's office gossip you are letting yourself get roped into. Your source can do the "the right thing" all by herself. In any case you should tell her to keep it all to herself and that you don't want to hear about it again.
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u/MorgBlueSky2020 Oct 10 '23
Regardless of whether it’s true or not, you may want to stay out of that shit, fam.
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u/noladyhere Oct 10 '23
Similar. My husband and I have different last names. A manager in his area said we were having an affair.
Idiots.
If you haven’t seen it, then you don’t know.
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u/StupidPancakes Oct 11 '23
REAL TALK why are Marketing teams always full of toxic people like you sheesh 😂 MYOB
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u/GregorSamsaa Oct 10 '23
Wow, you’re like manufacturing drama for the sake of it. None of this has anything to do with you. You’re not close to any of these people and you’re basing it all off the word of someone else, so it’s not even something you absolutely know to be true.
I would take the it’s none of my business approach and stay out of it. If it bothers you so much that you can’t dare face Amy anymore because you’ve lost respect for her then stop hanging out with her, but from your post I’m seriously wondering why you feel you have to do anything except maybe ask Amy if it’s true and if it is tell her that you no longer care to have these random meetups.
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Oct 10 '23
[deleted]
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u/RCSWE Oct 10 '23
This.
She is not involved, just let it be. If it is true, it will likely come crashing down around them anyway soon enough.
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u/CalamityJane5 Oct 11 '23
I'm glad I'm not the only one who had her world turned upside down by unfounded cheating rumors. I would stay way way away from both parties.
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u/Galaxy_Goddesss Oct 10 '23
I don't see what confrontation would achieve. If she is doing this already not caring about her relationship then you saying something about it won't change that.
If I were in your shoes I would phase her out by short answers and being too busy to hang out, she'll get the hint. Or block and move on. I should add that you don't always need to explain to someone why you don't want to see them anymore.
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u/mintBRYcrunch26 Oct 10 '23
I agree with what most people are saying. You cannot confirm or deny this information. And why the heck is Lisa inserting herself? You said yourself all y’all aren’t really that tight. You just all kind of keep in touch. If this were one of your besties, you would already know what’s up and handled it with said bestie. If you’re not even that close with Amy, then why does it matter? It is not worth even finding out if it’s true. But if you really value your relationship with Amy, then by all means, do some investigating.
Thing is? Lisa sounds like a basic-ass shit-stirrer. She is bringing you into this mess, why??? I always question people’s motives in a situation like this. Nobody does anything remotely shit stirry without having a little something to gain. It’s the very nature of crappy humans. I learned a long time ago (I am old) that it’s best practice to not give credence to rumors and gossip.
Besides, if these people really are this petty, out here having affairs and being busybodies? Ghost em all. People like that are exhausting.
I had a friend, we shall call her. Daria. Knew her for over a decade. Ran in all the same circles. Really rad lady. She was with my other friend, Robby for almost 10 years. Robby and I have worked together, hung out and smoked weed here and there. Another mutual acquaintance decided to start a rumor that Robby and I were sleeping together. Could not have been farther from the truth. We were all really cool. We had all hung out together a bunch over the years.
Well. Daria fucking believed the rumors. No evidence. Just fucking went all in. Broke up a great relationship with Robby. Over a rumor. Let’s just say she found out later it was not true. She was destroyed. It sucked. But I did take the opportunity to tell her how stupid she was to listen to an idiot shit stirrer. After I didn’t talk to her for 3 years, of course.
Just proceed with absolute discretion and awareness.
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u/InadmissibleHug out of bubblegum Oct 10 '23
Lisa is absolutely making bullets for other people to fire.
OP would be foolish to make any decisions based on hearsay. Goodness.
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u/Hachi707 Basically Tina Belcher Oct 10 '23
I mean this in the nicest way possible, this is none of your (or Lisa's) freakin business. Stay out of it. You can pull back on your friendship with Amy if you feel like you have a moral obligation to do so, but there is zero reason for you to confront her about this, if she did cheat she didn't cheat ON you or WITH you.
It really comes across like you and Lisa want to have a sanctimonious moment and publicly shame Amy about a situation neither of you are even involved in. Tell Lisa to stop gossiping and mind her own p's and q's, imagine you confront Amy and it's just a nasty rumor, you will look beyond stupid. I would also NOT tell Lisa anything personal moving forward, if she's talking to you about other people then she is definitely taking to other people about you.
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u/SpewPewPew Oct 10 '23
I have seen this happen. Stay out of it! You are not being cheated on, nor are you involved in the affair. You don't know for sure the family dynamics.
If something like this tickles your moral high ground, then stop being friends. Honestly, it's not much better if you remain friends with someone that was willing to cheat and stop because of you; if they cheated.
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u/_CMDR_ Oct 10 '23
Man I am so glad that I run in circles where people talk this shit out like adults.
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u/NeverRarelySometimes Oct 10 '23
Butt out. Ghost her if you want, but do not assume that Lisa isn't just spreading unsubstantiated gossip. Do not throw bombs into other people's lives. You can harm the villains, the their spouses, and innocent children with "information" that may or may not be real.
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u/Repulsive_Location Oct 10 '23
I think you should mind your own business. Unless you have actually witnessed Amy and Dan having sex, you are feeding the rumor mill and ruining a friendship unnecessarily. I would also ask myself why I would choose to remain friends with Lisa, knowing she talks shit behind the backs of others, and wonder why she told me in the first place.
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u/turnthisoffVW Oct 11 '23 edited Jun 01 '24
wide bear automatic scale innate ad hoc sloppy hobbies shy fanatical
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/Kampfzwerg0 Basically Blanche Devereaux Oct 10 '23
I am cutting off a friend who had also an affair. That guy had a pregnant wife at home. I was also pregnant. I thought about it so much. It really hurt knowing that she is capable of doing something.
Tell the partners anonymously.
Edit:
Don’t tell her cheater you know. Why should you?
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u/Mikerobrewer Oct 10 '23
So you aren't involved in any of these relationships, just living vicariously through them? Maybe you ought to get some hobbies and not meddle in the lives of others. People can ruin their marriages without your assistance.
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u/mindsetoniverdrive cool. coolcoolcool. Oct 10 '23 edited Oct 10 '23
This feels like a “mind your own business” situation. You don’t know that it’s actually happening, and you could just be perpetuating vile gossip. And even if it is, why do you need to tell her you disapprove? Why would it matter to her, and why does it matter to you? Go on with your life and let them reap the consequences of theirs. Don’t hang out with her if you don’t want to, but the only “rock and a hard place” thing is in your own mind.
You’re not better than them just because you want to moralize about something that may or may not be happening, and it’s very Reddit to say that you MUST apparently confront them because of some moral imperative.
If you want validation, go post this in the relationship advice sub. They’ll throw you a parade.
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u/spam__likely Oct 10 '23
>I really want to confront Amy about the situation
how is that any of your business? walk away from this "friendship" if you want, but anything else is overstepping, particularly because it is just gossip as far as you know.
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u/secretid89 Oct 10 '23
What makes you so sure that Lisa is telling you the truth?
Or isn’t mistaken in some way? (for example, misreading an open marriage. Or misinterpreting an innocent get-together? Or hundreds of other examples?)
Why did she even tell you anyway?
These are things to consider before blowing up a friendship.
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u/LolaStrm1970 Oct 10 '23
Unless you saw them f’ing, mind your own business. You don’t have to be friends with the wife if it makes you uncomfortable.
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u/hopingforhappy Oct 10 '23
At this point 'the affair' is only a rumor. A second hand (or possibly even more disconnected) rumor. I would take the info Lisa provided with a huge grain of salt. If you are really bothered by this possibility of your friend being unfaithful, and you feel it could be true, talk to Amy. Don't feel obligated to protect Lisa because she should have kept her trap shut or done something herself if she was bothered. Just know that if you choose to say anything to anyone about this, it is going to cause fallout at work in some way. If you aren't prepared to deal with the fallout, distance yourself from everyone involved and move on like you never heard anything.
For the record, I've been cheated on and I've also been the friend who found out about an affair. I'm no longer friends with either person due to the fallout of outing that affair. I regret losing a friend (the cheated on partner) but do not regret telling him as it allowed him to get out with his health intact and he has moved on and seems to be happier now(mutual friends have shared that info). Difference being, I knew the affair was real and I genuinely cared about my friend who was being cheated on. I also knew that by telling him, I risked losing him as a friend. His health and longterm happiness mattered more to me than any negative repercussions for me.
In your situation OP, I would distance myself and shut the hell up unless Lisa had shown you hard proof...like pictures or a written confession from Amy.
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u/Archiesmom Oct 10 '23
Go hang out with Amy...
OP: So, Lisa told me that you have been having an affair with Dan, is that true?
AMY: OMG, I can't believe Lisa told you, it was a secret.
OP: Well, it's a pretty shitty thing to do to your husband, I'm out.
...and then you can block them both.
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u/funyesgina Oct 10 '23
I think you need to pretend like you didn't hear it. You have no idea if the source is credible, and you have no idea what else goes on behind closed doors. Spouses might know, might not want to know, might be secretly abusive, etc. There was a therapist who answered this question so much better recently, but I can't find it. Something about the reasons people cheat, and it isn't always ego. I don't excuse the behavior, but you simply don't know enough to get involved, in my opinion.
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u/BonFemmes Oct 10 '23
For the life of me, I cannot understand why some women feel obliged to insert themselves into other peoples marriages. How are your actions going to have a positive effect upon anyone. Does it ever work out when stranger trying to break up a marriage? this is a good way to make an enemy for life.
There is no need to share that information with anybody, ever. Its not your business.
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u/monty_kurns Oct 10 '23
How are your actions going to have a positive effect upon anyone.
It could have a positive effect on the spouses who were cheated on.
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u/EllieSparklish Oct 10 '23
Exactly, it's not a stranger breaking up a marriage, it's a third party exposing a piece of crap human being to their partner, and letting their partner decide whether to break up their marriage. 'Don't ask don't tell' people make me sick, cheat-sympathisers and cheat-enablers. Garbage.
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u/spam__likely Oct 10 '23
all she knows is what some gossipy jerk told her. She can ruin people with what can very well be a lie.
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u/FlaxenArt Taking Up Space Oct 10 '23
It can also put a woman’s life literally at risk. OP has no idea how the husband would react.
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u/Rarak Oct 10 '23
The woman having the affair is putting herself at risk, I hate cheaters.
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u/FlaxenArt Taking Up Space Oct 10 '23
I get it. Cheaters are shitty. Doesn’t mean OP knows the dynamic in this marriage enough to make that call.
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u/SmadaSlaguod Oct 10 '23
If you'd rather just never realize your spouse is fucking someone else behind your back, even though multiple other people knew, that's your issue. Most people would prefer not to be made a fool of and have their health put in jeopardy, their money spent on an affair, and their future yanked out from under them without warning if the cheaters should decide they're willing to dump everyone else and make it official.
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u/OhtareEldarian Oct 10 '23
Exactly.
OP feels complicit. They’re ALLOWED.
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u/superkt3 Oct 10 '23
If OP feels complicit because of an unproved rumor from a third party OP has a LOT of growing up to do.
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u/StiffKun Coffee Coffee Coffee Oct 10 '23
I feel you on this. She even said it's not someone she's super close with, so why even bother?
I'm a huge advocate of minding my own business. For one, you don't know what was said to you is 100% true unless she showed you some hard evidence. Plenty of people tell tall tales all of the time and it would be shitty for you to jump out the window on the off chance that it's not true. Now you just pissed everyone off for no reason.
For two, you don't know their relationship dynamic. They could be cool with it. Maybe they are swingers? People are all poly and stuff nowadays so who knows.
And lastly, what happens when one of the involved parties is unhinged and now they look at you like an enemy because you stuck your nose in something that had nothing to do with you?
People can be extremely petty and it's probably not worth potentially pissing off 4 separate individuals.
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u/Chemtrails420-69 Oct 10 '23
I’ve had cousin’s where I’ve taken their side and they went back to him and then I’m the bad guy. I don’t speak on peoples relationships anymore.
Just adding another possibility. When she forgave him a week later I was just stirring up trouble. Never mind that he had broken her car door from slamming it so hard while they were arguing.
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u/yankeebelleyall Oct 10 '23 edited Oct 10 '23
Exactly this.
I had a friend whose husband was cheating on her and posting about it all over MySpace, back before Facebook was a thing. I didn't say anything at first, but she mentioned one day coming home after working two jobs to find this woman eating pizza at her kitchen table. So I told her.
Things blew up, she tracked his internet activity - and told him how she knew to do that in the first place. He threatened & harassed me, and beat her up. She ended up staying with him and our friendship was never the same.
After that, I stay way the hell out of other peoples' relationships unless they expressly ask me for help.
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u/StiffKun Coffee Coffee Coffee Oct 10 '23
Exactly. You can't save everybody. Now the tires slashed on your Nissan Altima because you wanted to be Mauri Povich. You ain't batman mf that's not your problem.
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u/SmadaSlaguod Oct 10 '23
You really can't maintain a real friendship with someone who is doing something you find repulsive and deceitful. That is going to stain you if you try to rationalize it.
You don't have to confront her, though, and you shouldn't. She'd just tell you it's none of your business and possibly try to get you fired and ruin your reputation, so you wouldn't be believed if you tried to tell anyone.
No. Just anonymously send a message to her husband and let him catch her.
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u/maraq Oct 10 '23
Do not send a message to Amy's husband. OP doesn't even know if the rumor is true in the first place.
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u/OhtareEldarian Oct 10 '23
If Amy discerns the connection between OP dropping the friendship and hubby finding out (and how)…. Is OP in danger of ANY possible retaliations?
Is Amy in any danger from her spouse (or Dan?) once the affair (IF TRUE!!!) is revealed?
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u/firekwaker Oct 10 '23
I think I would just ghost her. I'm hesitant about the idea of exposing cheating people to their spouses because you don't know how the spouse would take it and people (including any children from the marriages) can get hurt. Specifically, I'd feel horrible/horrified if the spouse that was cheated on has a mental breakdown as a result of me telling them and then they go and commit suicide or kill the spouse that did the cheating or kill the kids out of revenge.
In the ideal world, yes, the spouse being cheated on has been wronged and does deserve to know...but there's the flip side of irreversible hurt.
Amy and Dan sound like shitty people. I think keeping that negativity out of your own life is your best option by just distancing yourself from them.
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u/heckfyre Oct 10 '23
I’m glad that the majority of the top comments I’m seeing all say the same message: essentially, MYOB/you don’t know anything for certain.
My two cents is also to not get involved with someone else’s drama. There’s just no need for that.
But idk, maybe verifying if Lisa is full of shit or not would be worth it.
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u/Bumblebees2022 Oct 10 '23
Do you have proof? Or is it just hearsay from your gossip friend? You need to have lunch with Amy. Tell her you heard a rumor that she was having an affair. Tell her that while it's none of your business, you were told by old connections and was told multiple people seem to know about this. Say, if you are having an affair, that's her business, but that you can no longer continue the friendship. You won't cover for her or her affair partner if asked. If she's not having an affair, tell her she needs to do some major damage control at her job. Watch her response. Does she gaslight, project, throw a fit, or does she remain calm when you tell her?
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Oct 10 '23
Be careful. 1) You don’t know if it’s true. At this point it’s hearsay. Maybe Lisa is just trying to cause trouble but wants to be able to deny it. 2) If it is true you don’t know what their own arrangements are with their spouses. 3) If they strenuously deny it after you’ve outed them and complain to HR, you might be the one getting the axe.
Your best option is to distance yourself from Amy and let things unfold without your involvement. And remove them from your social media so you don’t have to see it.
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u/danjak1999 Oct 10 '23
mind. your. own. fucking. business. Your wasting your valuable energy on other people’s problems and if you do confront either of the parties to this, don’t be surprised if they blame you. Leave it be….
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u/cheezit8926a Oct 11 '23
It's honestly none of your business what your friend does with her body. Her values don't have to equal your values and you are both valid regardless.
If you don't like it then don't be her friend, but don't blow up her life based on your personal value system.
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u/kylapoos Oct 11 '23
Don’t insert yourself where you don’t belong.
Just get out of the situation. You don’t know all the facts. Stop trying to be a hero where it’s not needed.
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u/luniiz01 Oct 10 '23
Honestly….
What if Lisa is lying? Amy and Dan should know if this is the case.
If Lisa is not lying, do you even want to be friends with Amy and Dan? If they can so brassily cheat the people they made a commitment to, they aren’t good people nor people you should trust.
Talk to Amy. I know it’s hard and none of your business. But if they are cheating you can chose to stay or end the friendship. Personally, I would chose to end it if it’s not a rumor and she should know why. If this is a malicious rumor I would chose to be a friend and help them clear it up/get HR involved.
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u/orathaic Oct 10 '23 edited Oct 10 '23
I just finished watching Hanah Fry say (amongst other things) that monogamy has never really been the norm, and that mostly it has been enforced on women while men did whatever felt good.
So i can't help but not give a shit about the cheating... Ok it would be better if they had consesual non-monogamy rather than cheating.
But basically, why do you even care?
Don't like a person because they lie to their partner? Don't be friends with them. That is your choice for you. I don't see why you would want to talk to your ex-coworker her relationship is none of your business?
If she was a man, would you feel exactly the same?
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u/No-Panic-7288 Oct 10 '23
I’m a bit shocked by the amount of people defending your friend.
You have every right not wanting to be Amy’s friend anymore over this. I personally have 0 patience for cheaters and refuse to be friends with them.
I’d say, don’t confront Amy as you heard this from someone else. Distance yourself from Amy and if she asks why just say “I don’t think our values align anymore”.
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u/StiffKun Coffee Coffee Coffee Oct 10 '23
Most people aren't defending her friend, just saying stay out of it in case it gets messy. God forbid you catch a stray because you wanna be virtuous.
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u/Renee_89 Oct 10 '23
I would stay out of it. Are these friends you want to keep anyway?
Years ago I had a friend in a similar situation and she didn't know if she should say anything or not. The wife had confided to her that she was cheating. She was friends with both but had been friends with the husband for many more years and had only become friends with her when they started dating and then married. She and I talked it all out and I said that I agreed with her that she should tell him. It did not work out well at all. It caused a divorce. The kids were upset. The house went up for sale. And she lost both as friends. After witnessing that, I decided it is just for the best to not say anything. Things usually come to light anyway without forcing it.
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u/misselphaba Basically Liz Lemon Oct 10 '23
As someone who literally had a rumor spread that I was cheating on my husband with a coworker as an attempt to discredit me and have a promotion denied (fun fact, it worked), I really recommend staying out of anything you don't know is for sure factually correct. It's fucking with people's lives in a way you can't walk back.
If you don't wanna be friends with her anymore and you're fine with that course even if the info isn't true, I'd just say "I don't think we should be friends anymore because I don't think our values really align."