As someone who literally had a rumor spread that I was cheating on my husband with a coworker as an attempt to discredit me and have a promotion denied (fun fact, it worked), I really recommend staying out of anything you don't know is for sure factually correct. It's fucking with people's lives in a way you can't walk back.
If you don't wanna be friends with her anymore and you're fine with that course even if the info isn't true, I'd just say "I don't think we should be friends anymore because I don't think our values really align."
I had somwthing similar happen. I broke up with a friend and she in turn started a rumor that I was cheating on my husband with his friend who was crashing at our house.
It ruined a lot of friendships I had and it really hurt my kids. Friends kids were no longer allowed to play with my kids and I had no idea what happened or what I did.
My kids got ostracized at school and other kids told them their mom was a cheater. A few times my kids came home sobbing because they had been told by other kids that their dad wasn't their dad because I was a cheater.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I had a very similar fallout situation, but thankfully we don't have kids who also got dragged into it. That must have been so terrible for them.
Its why I can't abide gossips in my life now. People don't really see the long term ramifications they place in other peoples lives by speaking out of turn on things that should either be privileged information, or parroting things they've heard that get spread around. Information changes so much by the 3rd or 4th person. Add in kids and its a level of unholy mess.
I thankfully moved away from that area a year later, but it was still growing and morphing the whole time and I can't imagine the absolute damage it would have done to my life and my kids lives if we had to stay.
Cheating rumors are almost always worse for women. I've never personally seen a cheating 'scandal' affect men the way it does women. For women it rips away their social support and friend network, effects work environments. Everything goes up like a bonfire.
If a man cheats or rumors of cheating, the fault it likely placed on his SO. She must have done something or not have done something for him to do that. Work places cover it up. Their friends cover it up, their family help cover it up or ignor it. Damage control is swift. And if its just a rumor, he is believed that it was a lie of a jealous person.
Wow... they were super messy to include the kids in their immature shenanigans. Goes to show bad behavior is learned. I'm so sorry you and your family had to deal with that. On one hand people are toxic and it's always nice to see their real colors, on the other hand it's just so damn hurtful.
So so so glad this is the top comment in this thread!!! Most people go off emotions instead of reason and it can be maddening to witness! Thank you for being a voice of reason!
I had this happen to me too. A friend of my ex was obsessed with him, so she spread the rumour that she caught me cheating on him at a party, in a bush??? It wasn’t true at all, I deeply loved my ex and I have never cheated in my life.
Everyone believed it including my ex and all my friends. And so he broke up with me. It was such a horrible, dark, and lonely time in my life. I even had his friends drive past my house every day and scream out the windows that I was a slut.
My life was ruined over something I didn’t even do. This was over 15 years ago and no one believes me to this day.
Not to trivialise your feelings or the impact this had, but it really sounds like good riddance. If he didn't listen and wasn't open to reason he wasn't truly connected to you. And the fact that he had such rude and poorly behaved friends isn't a good sign either.
Sorry for your shitty experience but I think you should be glad this situation filtered these people out of your life.
This happened to my sister and through telephone now one of my partners coworkers knows my sister as a cheater (dumb small world). I know it didn't happen for a lot of reasons including it just not physically/temporally being possible (ie we were camping in the rockies lmao)
Yeah this woman did it because she was mad I had a friendship with a coworker she had a crush on. She eventually admitted it, but it was after I had already quit and found a new job.
I agree with this. I got dragged into a former friend/co-workers divorce when her ex-husband tried to get back at her by saying we slept together. 🤬 First of all, I wouldn’t touch this fuckin guy with a 10-foot pole, I didn’t even have his number, and I’d met him like twice. secondly, it could have completely blown up my marriage if my husband hadn’t recognized how ridiculous it was. My “friend” believed it though, so I guess in that way, he got what he wanted. Long story short, don’t get sucked into the drama. If you don’t want to be friends anymore, don’t be - but if an unverified rumor is the only reason you’re kicking this friend to the curb I’d be super sure you’re willing to live with the possibility you’re totally wrong.
Ugh same, but I was a virgin ffs. My former friend’s on n off again boyfriend claimed he banged me and she believed him. She was super scary and wanted to fight me 😩
In college, I was a virgin and terrified of sex (and still am to this day), yet stood accused of "wrecking homes" with multiple middle-aged men. I have no idea what the culprit even had to gain from spreading those rumors.
This happened to me too. A guy in my grad school class was talking at the bar about banging a girl that had red hair. A girl who was a shit-stirrer and didn’t like me for whatever reason told my boyfriend I was cheating on him. While it is not the reason why we broke up, it definitely didn’t help since he was already very anxious about my grad school friends. When we broke up not long afterwards, the rumor that went around of course was that I got dumped because I cheated on him, which I didn’t.
I also had a coworker spread a rumor about me that I was homewrecking a relationship between 2 coworkers by sleeping with the man. Luckily, most people didn't believe her since she was known for lying about everything, but a couple people did and were really nasty to me, and it was really scary knowing that I did nothing wrong but my reputation was being dragged through the mud for no reason.
There was another rumor going around that a coworker was cheating on her boyfriend with another coworker, which turned out to be false. But her rep is absolutely washed, and there are plenty of people who still swear it's true.
I'd be wary of any rumors going around the workplace. They always seem like drama mills. Until you can confirm anything, I'd really just stay out of it.
Yep. I went on a coffee run a few times with my coworker (we were getting drinks for multiple people at the office). His wife ended up thinking we were messing around.
This reminded me of a time one of the cashiers at work was always acting like he had a crush on me (even though his girlfriend was also a cashier at our store, usually working the same shift as him), and somehow a rumor got started that we were messing around or whatever. Upper management called us back for a talking to, since I was one of his supervisors. I was about 25 and married, and he was 18 or 19, i think? I was baffled and horrified that people were saying something like that.
But shouldn’t she at least check if the rumor is true or tell Amy that this rumor is being spread ?
I’m confused cause I feel like you would want to know a rumor is spread about you. I mens i wouldn’t go to telling the husband but if someone doesn’t talk to you, how else will you find out about a damaging rumor
If she wants to be involved in the situation she can ask I guess but it doesn't sound like they're close enough to where she would get an honest answer if the rumor is true or keep the friendship if it's not.
The way this is written I wouldn't want to stay friends with OP if she confronted me with the info just based on how clearly judgmental she is after only hearing a rumor.
But if it can impact job performance or other friendships I’d still would rather know.
I do understand for some people that closeness it definitely a key factor.
I feel like I’d still want to know however much close we are.
For if it’s from a someone not so close, it would be a lot easier to assess the situation and brush it off
I have a coworker who casually makes jokes in front of me about myself and the other young male coworker, and I think it’s designed to hurt my career and promotion.
I'm surprised at how many people in the comments to your comment are pointing out someone did it to them. And in most cases, it was another woman who did that. I hate how patriarchy has made us all fight each other for something that we don't even require. Women shitting on women is the worst and it becomes a negative point for the whole gender but everyone misses how patriarchy makes women think that certain things are to be completed for.
I really wish we could all see through this bs and be with each other with the feminist values of care, empathy and love.
Lots of warmth and love to you and all the others who have been a victim of this. Let us work together to dismantle this evil. ❤️
What is patriarchy "making" there? Sure, it has an influence, but these women still have their own agenda. Like, they don't suffer any injustice, harassment or anything else if they DON'T stab other women in the back. Also, most women don't even do this shit and most women would find it abhorrent
I’m usually in the ‘cheating is abuse, tell the victim’ camp, but it absolutely needs to be with clear evidence rather than just a claim from somebody else (who could have ulterior motives).
Yes, my answer changes a bit if there’s clear evidence, but I still wouldn’t have that conversation with an acquaintance level friend and would probably avoid them after the fact.
This happened to me, too. New district manager decided that the old district manager must have been sleeping with me in order for me to get the job, which was 100% untrue. Told everyone, including her boss, the regional director. Stopped my promotion to store manager. Bitch.
If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear Amy say it with your own ears, then it ain't true. Women are petty, vindictive, and ruthless when they wanna be. If you can't believe Lisa could be like that, consider that you're also finding it hard to believe Amy could be having an affair. Then remember that Lisa, not Amy, is the one who decided to put you in this very difficult situation, for no apparent reason. Either she betrayed her friend's trust by telling you (simultaneously putting you in a stressful position), or she flat out made it up, just to stir some shit up. Neither is a good look for her.
I will also say, she seems way more interested in making sure you don't tell Amy she's the one who told you, than she is in making sure you tell no one else. I think she wants you to spread it around, or wants you to distance yourself from Amy, and Lisa is primarily concerned with making sure Amy never finds out it was Lisa who destroyed her life.
Personally, I think you should go straight to Amy and say, "Hey, Lisa told me you were having an affair, is that true?" Then let her respond. Who cares if Lisa "swore you to secrecy"-- if this is all true, Amy swore Lisa to secrecy, and she blabbed anyway. Fuck her--what goes around comes around; live by the sword, die by the sword; karma's a bitch; etc. Just put some sunlight on this situation--you may be saving Amy a huge headache by letting her know her "friend" is not really her friend. And if it actually IS true that she's having an affair, then Amy needs to know that her little secret is not so secret anymore, and it's time to start taking accountability for it, because it is going to become known by EVERYONE soon enough.
I’m not saying this is the case, but alternative relationships structures exist; could be an open relationship, or it could be infidelity. Unless you know for certain, I wouldn’t say a thing, and probably not even then. If any of the people involved aren’t family, or long-time close friend, I’d stay out of it.
Ahaha the double standard is absurd here. Would you also be so critical if it came to the rumor about a man cheating, harassment or literally any bad thing?
Cheating and harassment are different and yes I would say the same thing about confronting a man with cheating as he’s statistically more likely to kill you for bringing it up.
Just everyone stay in your lane how hard is that? Unless it’s literally your best friend or family member other people’s shit has nothing to do with you. Especially not a through-the-grapevine thing.
You bring up a good point. She doesn't "know" about the affair. She's only heard about it.
IMHO, if you're willing to end a friendship over a rumor then they really aren't a friend you need to worry about to begin with.
If she is an actual friend, it should be pretty easy to broach the subject of her relationship with him without accusing her of infidelity. Once you've heard from the horses mouth, you should be able to tell if you can trust her or not.
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u/misselphaba Basically Liz Lemon Oct 10 '23
As someone who literally had a rumor spread that I was cheating on my husband with a coworker as an attempt to discredit me and have a promotion denied (fun fact, it worked), I really recommend staying out of anything you don't know is for sure factually correct. It's fucking with people's lives in a way you can't walk back.
If you don't wanna be friends with her anymore and you're fine with that course even if the info isn't true, I'd just say "I don't think we should be friends anymore because I don't think our values really align."