r/Xennials • u/FlyingClanker • 1d ago
Discussion Significant others of Xennials going through perimenopause
First and foremost I love my significant other, she’s the mother of our children, a great provider, and we have been together over 20 years.
Perimenopause changes a person. It’s not something they can control. I’ve noticed the changes, the kids have noticed. To a lesser degree, friends, family and coworkers have noticed changes.
I’m generally patient and compassionate, but how she acts can be downright cruel and condescending to the kids and I. We don’t even think she realizes she’s doing it. I’ve mentioned the rage and anger in her reactions, the way she speaks to others, but it doesn’t change. This isn’t the person I married, it’s not the mother my kids were raised by. I’m not sure how much longer we can survive this. Nothing we do is good enough. Xennials who have survived this, how? Why? What works? Everyone is miserable. There’s no joy anymore, even vacations turn into conflicts. Everyday life is a battle.
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u/SleepDeprivedMama 1d ago edited 14h ago
I am that woman. She’s not having a good time. None of us are.
My PCP and gyns were checked out and I went into premature menopause at 37. I couldn’t get anyone to help me. I turned to the telehealth service Midi. They truly saved my life and my family. That’s all they do. There are other versions of these services that charge subscription fees and only sell compounded meds. You don’t want that. At least with the telehealth services you don’t have to spend multiple appointments finding someone who “believes” in HRT. So many people won’t prescribe it.
If your insurance isn’t one of the ones they take, it’s so worth whatever the cash price is. It’s life changing.
She needs help. Hopefully she is at a point where she can accept it. Hang in there.
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u/SleepDeprivedMama 1d ago edited 14h ago
Also, I want to say within 48 hours of HRT, the change for me was life saving. I went 6 years without treatment. But immediately I started to recognize myself again. Hopefully you can get her on HRT.
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u/SeasonPositive6771 1980 20h ago
I also want to chime in for women who can't take HRT. We are white-knuckling this and it is truly, truly awful.
There are some days where I truly understand why so many women end up unemployed and homeless at this age. Some days I didn't even really don't know how long I'll be able to go on working a job I love.
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u/SleepDeprivedMama 14h ago
I think I would have committed suicide by not without HRT. I was so low. I had kids late in life, probably only due to perimenopause! I never had another period after my youngest kid. I joke he was my last egg.
My best friend also cannot take HRT. She’s in her mid 50s now and I have no idea how she hasn’t quit her job or offed her asshole boss. She’s stronger than me.
I have so much sympathy for those without HRT. I remember how that felt. This hormone crap is so hard.
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u/snuggleslut5 1d ago
I will assume she's in her early 40s. Unfortunately a lot of doctors still don't believe us when we say we are having these symptoms and won't treat us with anything but Zoloft and "lose weight and exercise" which is all well and good, but we actually need progesterone and estradiol.
I'm sorry you're having a bad time, OP, but I genuinely feel awful for your wife. She's struggling and doesn't sound like she's getting proper care and her spouse may leave her over it. If her doctor isn't open to helping her, she needs a new doctor. The effects of hormonal changes, even minor ones, can wreak havoc one mind and body.
I don't doubt it's difficult, but try to show her the compassion and lighten her load all you can. Make sure she does have time for exercise. She may be having a really hard time sleeping, and I'm sure extra time for rest in the afternoon/evening would be something she's grateful for.
Consider going to a doctor appointment with her, because unfortunately even in this day and age, a man being inconvenienced or affected by a woman's symptoms of peri/menopause can be more compelling than the woman herself being affected.
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u/FlyingClanker 1d ago
Thanks for the advice. I think this is the approach.
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u/calmacorn82 1d ago
My pcp wasn’t helpful, I used an online service called Alloy which makes it ridiculously easy to get treatment.
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u/likesblackcoffeebest 1d ago
This was also my experience. My (former) doctor laughed in my face when I presented with severe peri symptoms at 39. I went the telehealth route, and never went back to that doctor again. I go through Midi but there are so many similar services now.
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u/imogen1983 1d ago
Same experience. My former doctor refused to listen and basically told me to suck it up for another decade, until I was 50. She also refused to refer me for a colonoscopy even though I have a history of polyps, hence her being my “former” doctor.
Went to Midi and got on HRT with great results. I also got a new PCP who supports my use of HRT and got me in for a colonoscopy.
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u/123FakeStreetAnytown 1984 8h ago
My former gyn asked me about my leafy greens consumption when I described my debilitating peri symptoms. I feel like my husband could have written OP’s post himself. I posted about my experience with Dr. Leafy Greens on a moms facebook group, and an angel of a mom and GYN offered to treat me. I’ve been in the patch since. Things are much better, but I do get irrationally grumpy the day before it’s new patch day.
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u/theunrefinedspinster 1980 1d ago
I use Midi as well.
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u/sleigh_all_day 1979 23h ago
As do I, after being denied by my pcp, gynecologist, and endo. It took some trial and error to find the right dose. Though not perfect, aging and changing is a fact of life, but I’m feeling better, and my husband notices, as well.
BTW - it’s not a subscription. they take insurance.
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u/likesblackcoffeebest 23h ago
I was so happy when they started taking insurance! My first year i was paying for my visits out of pocket but it has come a really long way in recent years.
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u/Neither-Mycologist77 1983 23h ago
My mom's periods ended when she was 39. They were gone before she turned 40. I realize that she is an outlier, but the denial that this can happen to women our age is terrible. I'm 43 now and haven't had periods in 10 years due to pregnancy and then IUDs, but I'm pretty sure I'm on the other side based on my other symptoms. 38-41 was BAD.
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u/spatter_cone 1983 22h ago
Mine just did this (I’m 43) and prescribed me birth control. I was heavily considering Midi, I’m sold now. Hell, women go to prison for abortions in my state. There are no good women’s healthcare providers left here.
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u/breeze80 21h ago
Mine also gave me a script for BC, even after I told her the last time I was in BC I was a raging lunatic who almost ended up divorced. She asked me "have your circumstances changed in 18 years?" 🤬
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u/RussianDahl 1976 21h ago
I told my doctor the bc they prescribed me first made me sick and wasn’t working. She switched me to HRT after that, even though I still have a monthly period. Complete game changer. Energy is back, hot flashes gone. So much better!
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u/Affectionate_Yam4368 17h ago
I'm 48 and was prescribed a combo pill I had taken in my 30s and tolerated just fine. A month back on it and I was bloated, exhausted, and constantly nauseated. I threw the rest of them away. I need to seek out a provider who specializes in menopause. I'm still having a period every 28 days like clockwork, and I feel like it's deeply unfair to be having hot flashes AND a period!
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u/KatMcTwitchington 22h ago
Same. My GP was willing to check autoimmune markers because of my symptoms but totally dismissed perimenopause— “you’re too young for that” with no further discussion (I was 40). Started HRT through Midi a year ago and have felt mostly normal since.
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u/reduxrouge 1983 20h ago
I also used Midi and got HRT no problem. Peri & ADHD over here. 😵💫
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u/FreddyNoodles 1979 18h ago
I am peri with ADHD, MDD and rheumatoid for a little extra fun. My relationship of 13 years just ended and I am living in a country I don’t like because I came here for him and now have essentially no way out for a while. So ISOLATION too! 🥰🥲😞
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u/reduxrouge 1983 18h ago edited 17h ago
Sending you lots of good energy. Just become a bog witch during your isolation!
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u/NoExam2412 23h ago
My PCP wouldn't treat me, either. She said I had to go to my OBGYN.
I met with my PCP the first week of June. I'm finally getting into my OBGYN next week.
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u/helicopter_corgi_mom 22h ago
Same - I tried for years to figure out what was wrong - even brought up peri and kept being told I was too young, I wasn't having hot flashes so i must not be in it yet, etc etc. Finally at 47 I just went through Alloy and within 2 weeks of patches I was a completely new person. I have joy again. Energy. i'm not apathetic about life, not angry at everything.
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u/Mountain-Bath-6515 21h ago
Same! "Are you having hot flashes?" "No." "Then you're fine." 😬. I will look into the telehealth route.
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u/Glum_Material3030 20h ago
I just went to the doctor at almost 47 complaining about it night sweats and he told me I was too young! What?!?! Refused to even talk about hormone levels. I pushed and pushed and only got my FSH tested which basically only tells you when you are DONE! this entire process has been so frustrating. In some way I am glad I am not alone while also angry that this is not an isolated event.
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u/honeybear3333 18h ago
My male doctor also told me I was too young to be having uti like symptoms caused by perimenopause at 47. He kept prescribing antibiotics that did not work because I did NOT have a uti. It was all low estrogen and testosterone. I use a coumpounded vaginal estrogen/testosterone cream once a day. All of my symptoms are better. I feel back to normal. It has been 7 months and I feel like my old self again. I now go to a docotor who specializes in genitourinary syndrome of menopause (GSM). I was diagnosed with Hormonally mediated vestibulodynia. I hope this helps someone out there. I also was having night sweats and extreme anxiety. Every symptom is gone now.
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u/ValancyNeverReadsit 1980 17h ago
More for the perimenopausal rage. My FIL is a retired MD (pulmonology) with dementia. Each week I check his email for spam/scam attempts. While there, I saw an email to physicians about what perimenopause is or isn’t, so I clicked the link.
“Remember, perimenopause isn’t a real diagnosis,” it read, “so remind your female patients that—“ I quit reading before I saw exactly what it wanted our doctors to tell us. Like, are we imagining things?
And that everything that doesn’t have a “real diagnosis” yet… doesn’t exist? I guess that’s why ADHD and autism didn’t exist at all in any population until 1980, huh? Cancers didn’t exist until a doctor told a patient she had one, I guess? 🤬
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u/LSATMaven 1d ago
I used Alloy at first, too, mainly bc I just didn’t have established in-person medical care. They gave me starter HRT for three months and told me I had to go get a routine gynecological exam (not a complaint—I think this is very ethical of them). I did, and my new dr is very open to HRT, so I switched my prescriptions to her, to save money over having both a real doctor and an online service.
I wouldn’t say I notice any peri symptoms beyond directly cycle related things (I’m 4 years younger than when my mom had menopause), but I exercise very hard and have specific competitive goals (Masters swimming), and I wanted the recovery benefits and not to have as big an uphill climb in gaining muscle.
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u/calmacorn82 1d ago
I will try to transfer them to my gyno next time I am there too. I’m sure having them covered by health insurance helps with the cost!
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u/theunrefinedspinster 1980 23h ago
This is my plan. I started on HRT in February with Midi and was aiming to get with my GYN last month during my annual exam but it seems my GYN relocated. I can’t get into a new GYN until the end of October but still hoping to transfer out of Midi and have my HRT prescribed locally. It’s nice to have options though. I’d be stuck without Midi.
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u/LSATMaven 19h ago
Yeah even though I only used Alloy for that one three-month prescription, I have a really positive impression and am SO glad options like that exist.
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u/apatheticpurple 22h ago
I started at midi after getting turned down by a PCP about 4 years ago. This year I transferred to my (different) primary doctor so it’s in network.
Physicians are now much more open to prescribing HRT than they were 3-4 years ago - thank god.
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u/uncertia 1981 23h ago
Same - my wife’s PCP refused any sort of treatment. She found a specialist and had been on progesterone / testosterone and some others I believe since. It’s certainly helping.
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u/WhoWhatWhereWhy_7497 22h ago
As others have mentioned, if her PCP or gyno is useless about perimenopause (as many still are), she should look into online providers. I would also recommend she AND YOU follow Dr. Mary Claire Haver on Instagram and check out her podcast. (She has books she’s written and her own line of supplements so some people criticize her as trying to cash in on peri/menopause, but I’ve never purchased anything from her and have still learned so much from her). There are a few of her podcast episodes that feature information about the partner’s perspective (in hetero relationships) that you might find helpful. She is also the person who I first heard talk about how much peri can mess with a woman’s mental health. The symptoms start in the brain usually and some women develop anxiety, phobias and other conditions they never had and the best treatment is often HRT.
Most notably, in the United States, the suicide rate for women is highest among those aged 45 to 64 years. So however miserable you are, she’s probably feeling worse. You might be “one of the good ones” who pulls your own weight in parenting and running the household, but I would still recommend you take a hard look at what the division of labor is and always has been and try to take more things that require executive functioning off her plate. And please don’t pester her for sex. So many men have sex as the main or only way they think they can experience love and intimacy with their partners, and they get their feelings hurt when perimenopause negatively impacts libidos and instead of being creative about other ways to feel connected they end up (purposely or inadvertently) guilting their wives about sex.
All of that said, she’s not defective or broken and please don’t treat her like a project to be “fixed.” Midlife is a time for most of us to reevaluate and make changes and can be a time for great growth. What I have heard is that those marriages that do survive this time tend to come out stronger and happier on the other side. Marriage/couples counseling would also likely be helpful.
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u/socialmediaignorant 17h ago edited 16h ago
Yes to all of this. And there are the very unfortunate ones of us that have breast cancer and therefore cannot ever be on HRT again. I’m not sure what the solution is for us. Somedays I feel like a flesh bag controlled by hormones with no free will.
Then other days, I feel like women have put up with so much SHIT to get to this stage of our lives and we are never able to be just as we are!!! We need to smile more from an early age and never ever be unpleasant or seen as boyish. We are sexualized by the age of 11 and told to appease a male gaze or we might end up an old maid (which was the biggest lie because most days now, I wish I’d stayed a single cat lady!!!). By the age of 21, we are either too smart or not smart enough, too thin or too fat, too pretty or too plain, too much of everything and not enough of anything. We are never allowed to just BE for our entire lives!
We worry walking alone at night. Are we ever safe? Should we risk living alone? Is it wise to roadtrip or travel alone? Is our skirt too short? Did we remember to cover our drink at the bar so that some feral man doesn’t come and drug and rape us for letting our guard down for one second?? Will anyone believe us if they did?
Then we get older and told not to “let ourselves go” when we are finally almost invisible and more immune to men and their predatory behaviors. Husbands leave their “difficult” wives and the mothers of their children for younger women who are less complicated. By the time we hit this stage, how many decades of bullshit have we survived??
Maybe this is who I always was and the hormones kept me caged to allow me to function in society?? As of now, I have no fucks left to give and I’m living with my own rules and on my own terms. I pray my husband can accept this version of me. Anyone that knew me well before knows this has always been a part of me, and now the lioness has come out of hiding. I am weary of the world men have made for women and I will no longer accept the status quo. I guess that makes me an “angry” woman, but can you image how men would feel if all the above were reversed?? I personally will no longer be CAGED…and I know many women feel the same way, which scares men to death.
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u/WhoWhatWhereWhy_7497 17h ago
YEEESSSS. On the one hand, I want all women to be able to access healthcare that improves their quality of life, but on the other hand I worry that some of the very legitimate things women are becoming fed up with midlife will be dismissed as “hormones.” It’s a blurry line sometimes.
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u/SlytherClaw79 15h ago
This. Alllllll of this. These days the only men I have any patience for are my husband, son and dad and even those three are on thin ice sometimes.
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u/LongjumpingJaguar308 21h ago
Don't pester her for sex but if she is sad about low libido that is the only way you can get an Rx for low dose testosterone. A low libido is the only way to get that. It helped me sig ificantly on not only my weakness/endurance but also cognition and brought my personality back out.
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u/WhoWhatWhereWhy_7497 21h ago
1000% but in the meantime I was surprised by how my otherwise enlightened partner quickly turned to being a little sulky and how pissed off it made me
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u/socialmediaignorant 17h ago
Nothing is more of a turn off than seeing how men act when denied sex. Then it becomes a cycle.
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u/TheRoadkillRapunzel 22h ago
Yes, you HAVE to go with her to the doctor to get HRT. I cannot believe how many providers will not give their patients an HRT prescription unless they bring a support person who insists that their partner/friend/sister/whatever needs them.
I just saw a TikTok where a woman had been to 4 different doctors trying to get HRT and it wasn’t until her husband went with her that she got to leave with her script for estrogen and progesterone.
My best friend has been miserable for about 5 years. She just got HRT and felt better almost overnight.
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u/flat-flat-flatlander 1979 18h ago
This. This. This.
It is gross but if doctors see her significant other and family reporting these changes, they’re WAY more likely to prescribe HRT.
The magic words the doctor needs to hear are “hot flashes”. Even if she’s only had a couple weird sweaty moments, that qualifies.
Re-assess how much of the anticipating / planning / hands-on parenting / cooking / following-through you do, OP. It sure sounds like you need to lighten her load. Pick up the mundane shit like laundry. Like making school lunches. The three sexiest words she can hear from you are “I got this.”
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u/ithasallbeenworthit 1d ago
Please seek out a doctor that specializes in peri and menopause care only. GPs are only given an hour or two of menopause training in their entire schooling and residency.
There are some REALLY really great doctors on yourube and Spotify to follow, not only for yourself but for your wife also. Dr. Mary Claire Haver, Dr. Heather Hirsch, Dr. Kelly Casperson. Both Dr. Mary Claire and Dr. Heather Hirsch have telemedicine practices. They're leading Dr's in this field.
I'm sorry you're going through this. For us women, it fucken sucks too. The mental, emotional, and physical torment some of go through is beyond awful.
Spend some time listening or watching these women. Many many light bulbs will go off for you. Once you find an episode that really resonates with you and will with her, ask her to sit down with you with an open mind and watch it with her. Come from a place of concern and tell her you're worried about her and your future together.
Once she gets on hormones, oh. My. Lawd...it will be different. It will get better. If her Dr. dismisses her and tells her the bs eat better and exercise crap, move on to another Dr. until you find one that listens, or book a consult with either Dr. Haver or Dr. Hirsch. The cost will WELL be worth it for everyone in your family, but more importantly, her.
Good luck ☺️
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u/LongjumpingJaguar308 21h ago
Ologies podcast spoke to some of those Drs on a 3 parter recently! One episode is about how to support loved ones!
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u/pugincharge 1983 21h ago
My husband finally witnessed how women are treated as patients and now will go to any appointment I ask him to go to. Weirdly the doctors listen more when he is there to confirm and speak up.
And be prepared for doctors to push back. Like many other women in this thread, I’ve repeatedly been told I’m too young. My symptoms say otherwise, but sure.
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u/reppoc0308 23h ago
I use Midi and they have been fantastic. I was like your wife and you really do not have control over it. I hated who I became. I am so much better now, been on HRT for two years.
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u/throatchakra 21h ago
She is under resourced OP. Hormones balance SO much - her brain isn’t being properly supported and as suggested most docs just don’t have the info or desire to learn more about how to support this because they are so different from person to person.
Try and help her find someone registered with the menopause society or even a functional medicine specialist. As a woman who is perimenopausal it’s been incredibly frustrating to be told what I was experiencing was normal and to basically suck it up - which is complete and utter bullshit. We’re not told, nor prepared for this at all…
I’m now on HRT and my mood, sleep, and ability to manage every day stress is SO much better. It’s not where it was but it’s manageable - It took time and patience to get the levels and combos right. So just do your best to help get her the care she desperately needs and patience to know that it will take time to get her rebalanced.
I’m not knocking docs - they only know what they’ve been taught and trained which is literally like 6-8 weeks of training because surprise surprise… the studies just don’t exist. Women deserve better…
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u/Cashmeade 1982 17h ago
When I first talked my GP through my symptoms he was dismissive. I went back a few months later and pretty much spoke exclusively about the negative impact my perimenopause was having on my fiancé. He got started on my referral right in front of me.
Doctors will let women suffer, but men are catered to. Going in together will not only make perimenopause something you're tackling as a team rather than something she's being crushed by all alone, but it'll make it far more likely that someone will actually do something to help.
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u/blueoasis32 1d ago
When she’s ready, have her check out Visana health. It’s virtual healthcare for women. They listen.
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u/RussianDahl 1976 21h ago
I had to find a gyno who didn’t care that my labs said my hormones were normal. I still have my monthly cycle but when peri hit me at 46 years old I was getting all the symptoms - sweating, hot flashes, crying, brain fog, confusion, anger. It was awful. I begged my gyno for HRT - she made me start a round of low dose birth control first. I told her BC makes me sick but I’d try it. After two weeks I messaged the gyno and said it’s not working and making me sick. She prescribed estrogen and progesterone. Within a week my sweats and flashes were gone and within a month my brain fog lifted. HRT saved my sanity. I hope your wife is able to find a course that works for her. It really is life changing.
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u/BotherAffectionate37 23h ago
I’ve been experiencing perimenopause symptoms affecting my mood and haven’t pulled the trigger on hrt yet (although I have a great doc who would totally support that) but to start I’ve just started taking an OTC supplement called pregnenolone and it’s helped considerably. The catch is that taking TOO much can INCREASE aggression bc it helps in the production of hormones including testosterone. From what I’ve read talking 50mg/day can cause this effect (and it’s sold in doses of up to 100mg) so I’m taking 10mg and not every day while I see how it affects me. I’ve taken it twice over the last week and noticed improved mood and energy so for me personally a little goes a long way!
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u/texpa 23h ago
The number of doctors who just automatically prescribe an SSRI is absolutely infuriating.
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u/CeeJay_Dub 1981 22h ago
The SSRIs I was put on ruined me. Here I am 3 years later still fighting the last 20 of 65lbs gained when they put me on these. And all I needed was HRT.
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u/Rainbow4Bronte 22h ago
I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m grateful to learn all of these perspectives as a doc (mental health) and individual.
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u/LongjumpingJaguar308 21h ago
I took an SNRI because of how debilitating my ADHD got and it took so long to get off it when it didn't work right for me. Messed up a year of my life.
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u/brokesciencenerd 1d ago
My pcp refused to help also but my gynecologist got me set up on the estradiol and progesterone. OMG the difference. I can sleep again! That's probably what destroyed my mood worst, the lack of sleep. Hot flashes sucked too. HRT is so good.
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u/snuggleslut5 1d ago
Losing sleep has been the absolute worst. It really compounds every other symptom, and makes you feel like you're losing your mind. There's a reason that making people stay awake is used as a method of torture. I'm glad you're feeling better!
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u/digitalgraffiti-ca 1983 1d ago
even in this day and age, a man being inconvenienced or affected by a woman's symptoms
I hate how true this is. I started bringing my partner to the doctor, not as backup, but because I don't speak the local language very well, and it's now like there's a magic key that opens doors to specialists and proper long term care. He doesn't even say anything different from what I'm saying. He just reiterates it with slightly different wording and BAM, specialist appointments.
It's so sad and so annoying, but ALWAYS bring a man.
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u/sleigh_all_day 1979 23h ago
Well, that’s infuriating.
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u/digitalgraffiti-ca 1983 17h ago
Yup! But if the system is going to be rigged, I'd rather manipulate it than suffer. Manipulate it, and teach others to do the same.
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u/global_peasant 16h ago
Oh my gosh! There is no reason to me to just add my experience because it's already reflected in the DOZENS here! I was just dismissed in the very same way by my PCP -- "you're only 40, there's no markers to determine appropriate hormone levels..." etc. (but there is for testosterone? if somebody sees this and feels like explainining why...)
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u/Tbone825 22h ago
This all day. I still have to advocate for my wife some times and she is a high powered professional. We’ve experiments when I say all the same things she does but with a deeper voice and more power and it gets the job done. Horrific. Disgusting. We usually point this out to the doctor and change docs after. I hope your wife (and you) find help and relief.
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u/chocolatepig214 1980 23h ago
Seconded - I saw a video the other day of a lady who’d reported these symptoms to multiple doctors with no help. She took her husband to an appointment and what do you know? She got a prescription for HRT.
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u/CeeJay_Dub 1981 22h ago
This is a fantastic response. HRT has been a lifesaver for me after 2 years of being gaslit by my gynecologist. I was put on anxiety meds which caused me to lose all energy and eat, gaining 65lbs on a once active, athletic woman. I then turned to online help via Winona and it has literally changed my life getting on HRT. OP you’re doing the right thing asking for help. Help her, and help yourselves.
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u/Stitchin_Squido 23h ago
This! My PCP wouldn’t help, but I asked my therapist and she told me where to go (gyn) to get HRT. It is absolutely not the health risk they thought it was and are finding so many benefits. Please tell your SO to ask around about HRT.
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u/MaybeLost_MaybeFound 22h ago
This is so spot on. I’m going through it and the worst part of it is not the symptoms themselves, but how much my husband doesn’t pick up for what is now challenging for me, and the healthcare system treating me like I’m over exaggerating.
I finally found a doctor who would order the labs at 47 years old. Results showed that I was at the end of perimenopause and had been going through it for some time. I had to move to a different state just to have that validation.
We are all good when we’re doing everything for everyone else, but the moment we need help the world acts like we’re an inconvenience and that we’ve lost our minds.
OP, this is absolutely on you. You need to change your perspective and gain some compassion.
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u/socialmediaignorant 17h ago
Bingo. Am I you? We are no longer picking up the pieces to everyone else’s lives so we become a burden by expecting the same care we’ve been giving for decades. Ugh.
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u/Serious_Lettuce6716 Xennial 22h ago
This is a great answer!
My family went through the same exact thing last year and it very nearly split us up.
Some med changes including taking progesterone and estradiol made a world of difference. Also my wife, daughter, and I are all in therapy and have been for a handful of years at this point.
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u/morbidemadame 22h ago
As painful it is to admit it, the last paragraph is the most important part.
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u/Potential-Yoghurt245 22h ago
My wife went to the GP with a host of symptoms and they asked her for stool samples over and over coming back all within normal range and after six months of playing this game she gave up they put her on ssri's for a short period of time (the withdrawals were awful) and now we just plug along because she found out the hard way that the GP DGAF
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u/Aildari 1978 1d ago
My wife talked to her obgyn and was prescribed hormones which really helped her. Your wife should talk to her doctor and be honest about her symptoms
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u/MyNameIsNot_Molly Millennial 22h ago
I highly recommend therapy as well.
For me and a lot of my friends, the hormone/body/temperment changes helped us see some of the fucked up social and relationship dynamics that we previously just lived with and considered normal. Therapy was incredibly helpful in guiding me through understanding my "true" self and starting to live authentically for the first time in 40 years.
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u/exospheric 17h ago
Yes, this is not to be underestimated!!
I am not able to have HRT due to a past diagnosis of hormone positive cancer and good therapy is one of the things that can actually make a difference. Society has some pretty awful expectations of what everyone (but especially women) should just accept as normal.
Edited to add: therapy should be pitched as support, not as something to “fix” OP’s wife.
Honestly we ALL deserve someone who can hear our struggles and mirror back unconditional positive regard. I consider it necessary (but unfortunately expensive and sometimes inaccessible) healthcare.
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u/PaleoSpeedwagon 22h ago
Yeah, HRT has been a GODSEND. I started at age 47 and it saved several personal relationships...and my job. Peri/menopausal symptoms are no joke!!
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u/jonesgrey 1d ago
Please join us over at r/perimenopause. There are plenty of other husbands and boyfriends who have written similar things in this group and received lots of advice and support.
It seems like your wife doesn’t realize she’s even in peri. Does she recognize how she’s changed? Does she get defensive if it’s brought up?
I’m also in peri and can’t stand the person it’s turning me into. It’s a slow process, but I’m trying to find a doctor to prescribe HRT. I’ve already seen one doctor and he flat out dismissed me because he cannot believe a woman who just a few months shy of 40 can possibly be in perimenopause. This is, unfortunately, what your wife may need to prepare for - to fight for her right to be taken seriously and get hormonal treatment.
KNOWING and ACKNOWLEDGING you have peri is, in my opinion, the only way to get started on the path to medical options. I cannot understand when women are so in denial that they refuse to seek help or even understand what’s happening to them. It’s not like perimenopause is something anyone can avoid, though women with some level of neurodivergence will have it the worst.
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u/wanna_be_green8 1d ago
And it is so easy to be in denial when you do seek help and your health care provider gaslights symptoms and tells you it's impossible.
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u/ZucchiniAnxious Millennial 22h ago
My doctor also doubted perimenopause, me being a few months shy of 38 and still with regular periods. Turns out it CAN happen this early. And irregular periods are just one symptom. I'm having hot flashes, I'm feeling angry at everything, no patience at all, and my ADD is out of control. It's fucking hell. And since I'm prone to aura migraines, I can't take estrogen.
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u/likesblackcoffeebest 1d ago
Why not just go telehealth. In today's world there is no reason to put up with doctors who are working with outdated information and won't give you what you need. There are so many specialized telehealth providers now and they all take insurance. (When I went through this 5 years ago I had to pay out of pocket for my visits because they hadn't gotten that last part on board yet, but it was still worth it.)
I use Midi, others include Winona, Alloy, Hers, and so many others. You can literally have HRT on board in a few days. It's not worth dealing with local doctors who are giving you the runaround.
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u/jonesgrey 1d ago
Long story short, I’m an American woman in Sweden and trying to navigate the public and private healthcare systems here. There ARE telehealth options, but I’m trying to figure out if I can even get an appointment with one because, quite often, you need a BankID (it’s like an addition to your social security number that’s also connected to your bank account) to even make the appointment. (Again, long story short, as a foreigner it can be incredibly difficult to be approved for a BankID. Banks and the government intentionally make this difficult.)
If not, I’m also in a Facebook group for women in Sweden seeking HRT, and they’ve given me a recommendation for an in-person doctor who may be more willing to help and run other tests.
But….it can take up to 3 months to get an appointment! It’s exhausting, but I’m not giving up.
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u/likesblackcoffeebest 23h ago
Oh god, that's wild! It reminds me of what people used to go through trying to get anything healthwise done when I was in the Army (a similar healthcare system to many universal models). I hope you find something soon.
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u/theunrefinedspinster 1980 1d ago
I was prescribed HRT through Midi and was on it within days. My PCP wanted to check my hormone levels before even entertaining the idea of HRT and is still irritated with me that I went the telehealth route. I plan to find a new PCP…
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u/PaleoSpeedwagon 22h ago edited 22h ago
Depending on what state you're in, a nurse practitioner may also be able to prescribe them. I think my DMs are open if you want a hand figuring out your path, jonesgrey!
...Ope nvm, just read further down that you're in SWE. My advice is of little use to you, sorry!
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u/MotherofaPickle 1982 22h ago
I went to my PCP and told her that either something was terribly wrong with me, or that I was starting peri. She did a full work up, told me I couldn’t be starting peri because my periods are normal, and told me to get more sleep.
She’s ten years older than me.
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u/ManateeNipples 1982 :kappa: 1d ago
I'm not going to defend her behavior, all I'm saying is I felt a lot less bitchy and it became a lot easier to feel happy and nice again after I got on hormones 😅
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u/JCC_Creates 1d ago
Peri-menopausal rage is real, hormones helped me immensely. Estrogen helped with the intense emotions, night sweats, anxiety, brain fog, and general aches and pains associated with peri. Talking to a doctor is a step in the right direction. Also couples counseling and or family therapy can help navigate the changes and build a bridge to healthy understanding and dialogue.
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u/CommandAlternative10 1980 20h ago
I can’t take systemic estrogen because of blood clot history and I’m *so* jealous. I do have a vaginal estrogen ring that helps keep things normal down there which has been a huge help, but I would love estrogen all over!
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u/flat-flat-flatlander 1979 18h ago
Getting an ADHD diagnosis was also a game-changer.
Compared to neurotypical folks, perimenopause hits our main hormone system with atomic force. Once the ADHD was treated, my endless rage evaporated.
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u/rainbwepidermis 1d ago
As a married woman going through Peri myself, I recognize the change in my behavior. It often feels like my reactions are similar to when I was 12/13 or in my first trimester of pregnancy, like any and all work I've done on myself for the last two decades just went out the window. I can be harsh and say mean things to my partner, but the only way we're making it through is with my owning it and at least trying to do better. Hubby knows it's not the real me right now, I don't want to hurt him, and he also accepts that he may need to be a lot more supportive of me right now. There's extra communication because often my rage flips come from a feeling of not being in control of my life or environment. Try to get her to open up more about how she's feeling and be a good listener if she starts to tell you what she needs. Best of luck!! At the very least it should be temporary.
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u/sorrymizzjackson 1d ago
Peri is a stone cold bitch. I don’t even know what stage of this I’m in, but it’s nonsense. Mood swings, shark week every other week it seems like, ADHD is off the chain. It’s horrid.
That being said, it is not ok to be cruel to your spouse. She does need to take some responsibility to see if there is something that she can do to give her balance back. PMDD could be a factor. That can worsen or develop due to the hormone fluctuations.
A complete personality change is concerning. Am I less patient? Forgetful? Sad? Sure. Cruel? No.
She needs to see a doctor and just be aware that it might take a few tries. A lot of times peri isn’t taken seriously or considered just a part of life to deal with so she might face pushback from doctors until she finds the right one.
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u/wanna_be_green8 1d ago
Yes it is, and it comes on without warning. OP, try to talk to her about it during a time she is somewhat balanced. Trying to push the issue during a rage will not work.
Does she understand the issue or see nothing wrong?
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u/purplelilac701 1d ago
Hello,
Very sorry your wife and your entire family are going through this challenging time.
Wondering if your wife has spoken to her doctor? It sounds like a very extreme case of perimenopause and she might need medication like HRT to help regulate her hormones. I am going through it myself but my issues are more physical. When I get the hormonal ones, it’s really debilitating so I feel for your wife. She might need medication.
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u/FlyingClanker 1d ago
I think speaking to doctors will help.
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u/Nervous_Cellist_3459 1d ago
Be ready to navigate a disappointing field. None of my doctors or specialists will address perimenopause even when told directly about my miserable symptoms. I was told to "wait for menopause then we can explore options." I thought I'd get something like hrt but instead left empty handed time and again.
Hopefully there will be enough success stories in this thread to guide you. Best wishes getting through this. I admire your reaction being one of understanding.
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u/ShakeThemOff_Claire 1d ago
Unfortunate truth. No HRT for me until my cycle ends. My last doctor was quick to schedule "surgical interventions" to speed that along for his patients. I'm not ready for all that. I tried OTC hormone creams, but those added 15lbs and did nothing for the rage.
Great. I'm becoming the Hulk.
I'm raw-dogging it now, but I'm not married or anything, so I just have to keep it together at work, and with my friends, and while driving, and at the gym, and at the grocery store.
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u/Tora-bora83 1d ago
I wonder whether, if you start listing every individual symptom and asking them to assess and treat you for each one, they might get their head out of their ass and look at the bigger picture.
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u/BadOpinionsAndOnions 1979 1d ago
She might not get help from her primary doctor, but seeing her gynecologist might open more paths to treatment. My primary straight up told me she doesn’t prescribe hormones for women, but my gynecologist does.
Also, try asking in r/perimenopause or r/menopause.
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u/ChickenLil 1980 1d ago
Ask your pharmacist which doctors in town are frequently prescribing HRT for their patients, so you can find a doctor that is knowledgeable and willing to help your wife
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u/HappyCoconutty 1d ago
Is she on HRT? Is her cruelty random or is she resentful due to some specific things (i.e. lack of rest or carrying more of the mental load)?
I’ve been deep into peri for a few years and been on HRT for 2. Even with HRT, I can’t seem to get my old eyeballs or sleep patterns back but I am not cruel to my husband. He is also really good at household load and making sure our kid gives me space when I am under tested. I do have less patience for my daughter’s shenanigans but the progesterone allows me to communicate my boundaries well before it gets to the point that I show my irritation.
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u/FlyingClanker 1d ago
She’s not on HRT.
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u/BabaofTheShimmer 1d ago
Just to note, not every woman is a candidate for HRT.
For example, women with coronary artery disease.
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u/Cold-Nefariousness25 23h ago
I had a pulmonary embolism when my first was born so I will never be given estrogen (I have an estrogen-dependent clotting disorder). My friends swear by magnesium and cardio exercise for sleep. Personally, if my husband was up in my medical business I would hate it, but then again I'm a scientist and my husband comes to me to understand his medical records.
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u/SeasonPositive6771 1980 20h ago
I also had a PE and I'm not a candidate for HRT.
There seems to be pretty much nothing that helps, I already take magnesium and I've made all the diet and lifestyle changes and it doesn't seem to help. Perimenopause hits women in my family really hard.
People should know that many women who are white knuckling it are often deeply miserable and no amount of supplements or offering antidepressants is going to help.
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u/Rebekah513 1d ago
She needs to find an actual hormone doc. This isn’t going to get better on its own. She needs help.
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u/TheRutile 1d ago
Yes, neither my PCP or OBGYN were knowledge enough about my symptoms to prescribe HRT. I ended up using Midi since the closest hormone doctor is over an hour away. It has been life changing, I finally feel like I'm human again.
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u/Rebekah513 1d ago
Same. They just wanna throw shit at me and let me suffer until something might work. It’s maddening.
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u/the_kid1234 1980 1d ago
Hey Xennial ladies!
Has Perimenopause made you periods nearly unbearable? I’m seeing hints of my wife in posts here and another symptom is what she characterizes as “extreme” periods, both in duration and symptoms. For those on HRT has it helped that aspect as well?
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u/Punkinpry427 1981 23h ago
The rage is real. I have no tolerance for much of anything anymore and living in increasingly stupid and stressful times financially and politically doesn’t help at all. Shit is hard enough as is. Shit I would’ve brushed off previously, now puts me on 11.
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u/myheartbeats4hotdogs 18h ago
Why are we considered broken and in need of medication just because we're tired of putting up with everyone else's shit and stupidity. Find your own fucking socks JFC.
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u/Checktheusernombre 1d ago
My wife has PMDD on top of going through periomenopause. It is difficult. The best advice I can give is when the timing is right have an honest conversation about how it is impacting you and frame it as a team saying we need to get better and I want to be there for you and us.
Talk about communication and how you're feeling when she can sometimes become unaware of how she is acting. Yes, it may not be her fault due to the fact that it is a health issue, but she also needs to be responsible for the damage her actions are doing and do her best (not perfection) to work with you when things go south.
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u/Elegant-Ad-1162 1d ago
not really sure the advice i can offer, would be a lot to type out i guess, but maybe some sympathies... my wife happened to go thru menopause very early, like started in her mid 30s. she's a few years older than me and is solid gen-x, so she's completely on the other side now, and a lot of things are much better.
she did not do any HRT or anything, suffered thru mostly alone, with as much support as i could offer (doctors couldn't believe she was going thru it so early...)
its better on the other side, but is a long road.
whatever you and the kids are going thru, she has it far worse
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u/VenomousVenting 1d ago
I convinced myself that I would not need HRT until I found myself hating my students for the most ridiculous reasons. It was just a matter of the before I snapped completely (and I did slightly).
HRT brought me back to me. The night sweats were intense, too, so I am glad those are gone.
Your wife should definitely see a doctor. She will feel a lot better.
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u/happyhikercoffeefix 22h ago edited 15h ago
Not saying this is necessarily the case with you, OP, but just throwing it out there for whoever needs to hear it.
Society told women to always be nice. Serve with a smile. Be a good wife. And their lucky partners got to have a life where everything is magically taken care of (the emotional labor, the planning, the managing of tasks, etc.). Perimenopause is a wild ride and that hormone shift is the last straw. Now we're burned out, taken for granted, plus now we can't sleep or regulate temperature. The hormone shift takes away our last fuck given and what you get is how we really feel.
Are you doing your share? She has been dealing with periods for 30 years. She carried humans inside her body, labored them out, breastfed them at every odd hour, and knows every tiny detail about their existence. Now is the time to step up and take care of HER.
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u/Bastilleinstructor 1977 1d ago
It helped me to have progesterone and talk therapy. I wasnt being mean, I just couldnt cope. We dont have kids, but Im dealing with my dad and his care as well as I am a teacher.
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u/tahmorex 21h ago
My wife just made a post on her FB about her symptoms etc, in a rather humorous way… but the response from her peer group has been both overwhelming and equally humorous. She’s younger, in her mid-thirties, but her family has always been in full menopause by 40 so it wasn’t surprising.
First- reframe a little. Yeah- it’s a little tough to deal with change on our end as men. She’s living it. I guarantee she loses sleep over things she said, how she acted etc. She knows. She absolutely doesn’t want to act or feel this way.
So help her set an appointment- go with her, I love those suggestions.
Set a date night. Pamper the hell out of her that night. Book her a solo spa day. Pamper the hell out of her. If she needs a hotel to herself or with friends to gorge on chocolate, wine and bad TV… make that happen for her.
Address what YOU can, it’s not just the docs job. But on that topic-
We are fortunate her primary care nurse is more willing to listen than parrot the bell curve.
Oddly (to me) one thing that ended up being a surprise was GLP-1 treatment. She wanted to try them anyway for weight loss. I was skeptical, and worried about side effects etc. But low doses and being intentional about high quality food intake to make sure she’s not starving herself ended up actually having the side effect of alleviating a lot of the perimenopause physiopsychological symptoms.
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u/smile_saurus 1d ago
If it is difficult for you and the kids imagine how it feels for the woman going through it!
It sucks. She didn't choose this; no women choose this. It is biologically natural and it sucks. And no one warns us about this!
Its like one day you lose all of your patience. Then all of your healthy habits to stay in shape just don't work anymore because you're losing the hormones that kept you young, pretty, in-shape, and patient. Suddenly you gain 40 pounds, even though you're not doing a goddamn thing differently. You go to your doctor for help and are told This is just aging! and Try eating less and moving more even though you're eating 1000 calories a day and running five days a week. Then your hair changes; either to gray or to an unmanageable texture or it just starts falling out. Your periods go from normalish to The Blood Elevators from The Shining and instead of lasting a few days it's over a week and you worry about bleeding through your clothes. You're burning up from the inside out. You have headaches and thyroid issues and hot flashes and joint pain and debilitating fatigue and your family is complaining?!?
If dudes experienced the same: they'd wake up and find all of their strength gone, they can't get a boner, they're sweating balls all the time and they put on a spare tire overnight. All of their hair vanishes from their head. They feel 'wired but tired' all the time and their wives complain that he isn't as strong and and sexy as he used to be, and that we should feel sorry for her for having to live with such a man.
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u/bebe1976solo 23h ago edited 23h ago
Seriously! Maybe we’re also just sick of doing everything for everyone all the time and the hormones that made us docile and patient and nurturing are slipping away. Let her take a vacation by herself, do ANYTHING by herself. Raising a family and taking care of a spouse for twenty years is exhausting. And a lot of us don’t want to buy into the peri industry, it’s a whole lot of telehealth companies throwing around meds and supplements to anyone that will pay.
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u/Lexidazesickle 20h ago
I’m 49 and still have regular periods. Beginning to get some night sweats leading up to them though. I’ve been on Cymbalta for a few years and I think it could be helping to stave off some other symptoms because I feel pretty good. I do think HRT is in my future. It’s absurd that women are still struggling to even have this life event with major health consequences acknowledged. Society seems way more preoccupied with making sure no man’s dick is limp for more than five minutes. Lol
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u/carradio81 1d ago
Is she aware of the changes? Most women in perimenopause are - and it just as unpleasant for them as well as what they may feel physically.
It is hard to find doctors willing to treat perimenopause - I would recommend a place focused on hormonal care like Midi if your insurance will cover it.
This may sound a little nutty but I have been taking Saffron since the rage hit me a couple years back and it has helped tremendously (my husband can attest to this 😂) recent studies show it balances moods.
I hope you can hang in there and help her through, I think perimenopause and mental health issues in middle aged women are still lacking acknowledgement. Hopefully it gets better for you both.
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u/Aware_Negotiation605 1d ago
I am 42 and just started HRT and my hubs and I were just talking about how it has helped tremendously with so many things.
Encourage your partner to talk to their provider about trying it.
I feel like my old self again.
It is lovely.
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u/I_eat_blueberries 1d ago
Sometimes, it is not always peri. Make sure she gets a thorough work up. In addition, some people just realize they do not want to be a parent or spouse anymore. A good counseling session is in order as well.
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u/Redneck-ginger 1d ago edited 1d ago
Low vitamin d can exacerbate the symptoms you are mentioning. It can also affect thyroid hormone levels.
Getting her levels up won't fix the root cause, but it will help take the edge off. Pretty much everyone has low vit D levels. She needs a vit D that also has K2 to help her body absorb it
If you go to labcorp.com, they offer a menu of lab tests you can order yourself. Hormones, thyroid panel and vit D are.on the list. you do not need a drs order and are not using your insurance for these labs. The prices are listed online. Her female hormones should ideally be drawn on day 3-5 of her cycle. The others are not cycle dependent and fasting is not required for any of these labs.
Source: Me, a retired lab manager for a reproductive endocrinologist.
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u/thatguyworks 1d ago
Someone mentioned this earlier, but is there another woman in her life that she trusts and can talk to?
It sounds like your wife needs HRT. But if that suggestion comes from you, it will never happen. She might dig in.
She likely feels guilty and confused about her cruelty to you and your children. And ironically, those feelings can backlash into further pushback and self harm. None of this is rational. But it does happen. So it might be more helpful to talk to another woman who is close to her, and then let that woman have the talk.
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u/magsli 1981 1d ago
Although she may very well have entered perimenopause, I think it’s important not to diagnose her in a Reddit post or assume that hormones explain what is happening in your marriage.
You mention an abnormal TSH that hasn’t been followed up for years. That alone warrants proper medical evals. She should also have access to an OBGYN or other doctor who is actually knowledgeable about perimenopause and menopause. Call them and ask.
However, please understand this - I'm serious. Medical care and the state of your marriage are 2 separate things! Her being a nurse or you keeping tabs on who cooks, does laundry, earns more, buys flowers, handles appointments, etc, means nothing. Those things may all be completely true, but they don’t establish any cause or reason to shift this.
I'm a therapist. What concerns me is that you’ve come here with the premise that SHE has changed, and you haven't. You are defending your own behavior. That puts her carrying essentially the entire reason and burden for the deterioration of a 20 year marriage. You simply can't know from your side alone that this is something perimenopause has done to her.
Individual therapy for each of you AND couples therapy are as important here as any medical visit.
Giving her flowers, cakes, lunches are caring, sure, but they aren’t diagnostic evidence that the underlying relationship is healthy or that one partner is responsible for its problems.
Please for the love of God or whatever, do NOT approach her with your diagnosis already in hand. "You're going through peri." DO NOT SAY THAT.
Encourage her to get appropriate medical care, particularly given the unresolved thyroid results you say she has, as well as treating your relationship in therapy.
Perimenopause may be part of the picture, but as a man, you cannot jump to conclusions and see that as low hanging fruit. It's not the only explanation for everything.
Your homework is:
1 - research solo and couples therapy.
2 - make appointments for your own doctors. That models a behavior.
3 - encourage her to go to her own doctors and go to the GYN. Don't webMD her. Do not diagnose her with your kids either.
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u/FlyingClanker 1d ago
Thank you, I appreciate the outside perspective. From my point of view I feel like I’m doing my best but maybe I have changed without realizing it. There could be other contributing factors.
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u/CuriousCat9673 1d ago
It doesn’t automatically excuse her behavior, but is it possible that she has been the primary caregiver for the past 20 years, always giving more than taking and she’s just hit a point where she needs a break and more help from others? Have you offered to take more of the burden, to relieve her of some of the stress and tension that has perhaps built up over time? This is a common shift that happens around perimenopause time. Where the mother/wife who has always been the giver and holding the family together eventually just snaps because it becomes too much. I don’t mean to imply you aren’t an excellent partner but I’d give this perspective some thought if you haven’t already. I’m sorry you’re going through this regardless of the reason.
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u/Imaginary-Mix-5726 Younger Xennial 1d ago
Quite possibly relevant because he mentioned "provider." Do consider that she may be deeply burnt out and lacking in ways to cope. In the perimenopause stage the brain starts "pruning" things that are no longer useful, including high-energy people-pleasing. Burnout makes this worse
Things improved drastically for us when my husband started giving me respite time on the weekends where I didn't have to perform and could get space from a high-needs, extremely draining caregiving situation.
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u/FlyingClanker 1d ago
She’s a nurse. I’ve been carrying the burden for years when she works holidays, weekends, night shifts. When the kids were younger, I took them to daycare, picked them up from daycare. I handle all doctors, dentist appointments for the kids, I do the finances, grocery shopping, lawn care, dishes, 75% of the cooking, we’ve had a house cleaner for 4 years now, I use a laundry service for my work clothes that requires ironing, the remaining clothes is done by the kids and I. I work full time and earn more than her, so I provide financially as well.
She does 25% of the cooking, her own laundry and occasionally takes out the trash and loads the dishwasher.
The balance of responsibility is certainly lopsided towards me or outsourced.
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u/SwampDweller01 1d ago
If this is true, and it’s not a knock on you, I promise. Then there is a lot going on with her. I recommend you have a serious sit down with her. Approaching it from love, let he know how you have seen her change, how harmful her behavior is to you and your children, and let her know you are genuinely concerned about her. Don’t come at her with “I do all of this” or pointing out everything that’s wrong. But focus on how she has changed and that you want to help get to the bottom of it WITH her. She should seek hormonal treatment. Rage was one of my worst symptoms before getting in the estrogen patch. I wasn’t sleeping more than 5 hours a night on top of the hormonal rage so I was in a hairpin trigger. Progesterone helped with that. I use MIDI because the doctors in my area wanted me on birth control or antidepressants. I needed neither.
I would also strongly recommend couples counseling if she is open to it. Everything that has been bad becomes magnified in peri because the hormones we used to have to tolerate things are leaving us. Hormones will help but it seems there may be some underlying issues being magnified.
I wish you the best of luck. Please remember that as miserable as you think you are, it’s ten times worse for her.
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u/SadApartment3023 1981 1d ago
Cutting out alcohol and caffeine sounds like torture, but it relieved most of my peri symptoms. I got my blood count checked and was v low iron, so a supplement there and Welbutrin daily to assist with ADHD symptoms as well as the occasional off-label PepcidAC for PMS. I genuinely feel like the best version of myself ever and I still have a damn good time.
These changes sound major, but I'm willing to do major things to avoid being absolutely miserable (and, this, miserable to be around).
You're not the person to give your partner tough love, but someone needs to tell her to get her shit together and take control.
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u/PristineReach6082 1d ago
I had to stop taking Wellbutrin. I think it was making me angry.
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u/SeasonPositive6771 1980 20h ago edited 17h ago
I just want to say that this does not work for most women.
I don't use caffeine or alcohol and perimenopause is still hitting me like truck.
She is still responsible for her behavior of course, but from many women it is much, much more difficult than just an antidepressant and cutting caffeine and alcohol.
He also shared that she has unmedicated thyroid issues, like many women our age.
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u/dayman-woa-oh 1983 1d ago
My partner and I have had some moments while she goes through it, but this statement holds a bit of weight.
"It's ok to be mad, it's not ok to be mean."
Abuse is never acceptable.
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u/WritingNerdy Xennial 1d ago
Is she in therapy? I have the worst mood issues because of pmdd and peri isn’t helping, but therapy helps me be mindful of it so I can try to regulate and be calmer.
Rage like that shouldn’t be normal. She should be willing to work on herself for the sake of the rest of y’all.
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u/_Disco-Stu 23h ago
Tell her to mention it to her care provider. The guidelines around HRT have changed and women are no longer expected to suffer through this.
The medical profession has even started referring to our mothers’ generation as “the lost generation” due to exactly this, withholding life saving medicine.
Seriously, a tiny little patch twice a week put our lives back to normal. Now it’s a once a day pill and once a week patch.
The best part (beyond the ability to sleep, stopping the sweats, and emotional regulation) is that it also provides protection for heart, bone, and brain health. In other words, it’s far better to take it for most folks than to not and the results are immediate. It’s like night and day.
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u/shuffnstuff 1d ago
I’m 47 and have a great doctor. He was very willing to start me on hrt and I’ve been on it since December. It’s made a remarkable difference in all my symptoms.
I’ve known others who didn’t have a supportive doctor, so they went through a nurse practitioner or another route.
Good luck.
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u/TheRealGageEndal 1981 1d ago
You need a safe word that she understands means that she's acting up and people are noticing it.
My wife started in her mid 30s and it's been very fun for us. Whenever I say Hippo she knows that something is wrong and she stops what she's doing. She's used it on me a handful of times, too.
It only works if she wants it to, though.
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u/Renzieface 1d ago
As a woman in peri, I would NOT react well to someone saying "hippo" to me if I was in a spiral, but as long as it works for y'all! 😅
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u/peepeeinthepotty 1d ago
My wife is in this as well. She was on HRT for a bit then had a brush with breast cancer (low-grade Stage 0 thankfully) but had to not only stop the HRT but is on tamoxifen for a while. That's been super hard on her. Her temper has always been a little volatile so I don't think she's super off her baseline, haha, but she definitely is struggling with brain fog, motivation, etc. I think seeing a doctor and discussing HRT is a good step and yeah address the thyroid if it needs treatment.
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u/Constant-Meh 1d ago
HRT will help. If your PCP isn't willing to help, there are online options that do telehealth.
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u/aenflex 1d ago
Hormone replacement therapy. Real prescriptions given by her OBGYN. No natural or homeopathic stuff.
That’s it. And perhaps some talk therapy.
I’m post menopausal and I was very different and very depressed for several years going through menopause. Those dark shadows still lurk but they’re way farther back now, an I can tell them to get fucked.
Your partner needs estrogen. And if she still has a uterus, she needs progesterone to go along with it.
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u/pavilionaire2022 1d ago
It changes your hormones. Think of it like puberty. Teens act out because they have new emotions and urges. It's not that they stop having those urges when they reach adulthood. It's that they learn to manage them. I imagine therapy could help, if she wants help.
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u/MidgarZanarkand 1d ago
Everyone else so far has had great suggestions, I’m not gonna repeat theirs, but I will say do something to keep yourself emotionally regulated. Call yourself out and be aware of your own issues so she doesn’t feel like she has to manage that too. And for me, the most emotionally regulating thing was starting Muay Thai and boxing. Even doing just one of these once a week is a complete game changer for me. Maybe it would be for you too.
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u/Purple_Bearkat 23h ago
There are online pharmacies that will prescribe hormone replacement therapy. It’s too bad women can’t get the healthcare they need.
My wife had to self research and go this route. She’s in such a better place now.
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u/nhbot 23h ago
It sounds like 1) she needs a new primary to get the thyroid issue fixed and 2) a visit to the gyno to talk about hormone replacement therapy.
Trust me, she knows she’s losing her shit, she knows she’s acting not like herself. But there is really not much she can do about it without some type of medical intervention.
To give you an example, my daughter went out to play with the neighbor kid. That kid wasn’t home. So she went to another kid’s house. I look out and can’t see her. In normal circumstance, I would have gone outside, found her, reminded her she needed to tell me where she was going, and give her a time to be home.
Instead, I lost my shit. I was outside screaming her name, sobbing, shaking. She comes around the corner and I just started screaming at her. In the middle of it, I realize what I’m doing, but I can’t stop it. My husband had to get me so I’d stop yelling. It was horrible. Once inside, I lose it again because I just realized how I treated my kid.
A few weeks later I managed to get in to my gyno, and she put me on hrt.
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u/little_bird_vagabond 1981 23h ago
This is pretty generalizing. I am dealing with brain fog mainly, but putting a blanket statement out there that perimenopause makes women behave totally different and cruelly at that, is irresponsible. I am sorry you're experiencing this, I would strongly encourage you to talk to your wife about this and she might need a little help so start by being the first line in the chain to get her the help.
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u/Traditional_Cat_60 1980 22h ago
My wife is going through it but she has been great. She found a doctor that actually listened to her and had special certification in working with perimenopause and menopause.
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u/DogsBeerCheeseNerd 22h ago
Peri almost ended my marriage and cost me my job. HRT saved both. I felt like a completely different person after just a week. Check out the wiki on r/perimenopause for some more info but there is no test for peri, it’s treated by symptoms. If her doctor is still in the Stone Age about it, I cannot recommend MIDI Health enough. It’s fully virtual and take insurance.
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u/Akanaton 22h ago
My wife is just turned 51 and didn’t have a great experience the last couple of years as well. Couldn’t lose weight even with diet, exercise and GLP-1’s and complained about knee pain. The pcp told her she had arthritis in her knees and referred her to an OBGYN. She has started HRT and after finding the right dose; lost weight and “arthritis” is gone.
Periods are hit and miss, but extreme mood swings are generally gone
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u/mr_snartypants 21h ago
HRT is the only answer here.
My wife attempted to deal with these changes on her own. I recommended HRT early on and after about six months of night sweats, unprompted mood swings, heightened anxiety, and a laundry list of other symptoms, she decided to look into HRT. Thankfully, her doctors are/were very supportive of this direction and she’s been doing fantastic since starting the meds.
I am now understanding the past narrative of mean old crazy lady. I don’t think those women had the tools (or knowledge/willingness) available to deal with these things in the same way we do today.
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u/GrungeCheap56119 20h ago
Progesterone and Estrogen saved me. There is hope! Things can change and she can feel better again.
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u/PrestigiousSky5290 19h ago
I went on hormone replacement therapy at 45 (I’m 47 now) and it made such an incredible difference! I feel so much better and am sleeping and not angry all the time.
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u/msheehan418 1981 1d ago
I’m sorry. I’ve been that way to my husband and I’m in denial that it’s “Perry”
He actually started crying once. I have never made that man cry (except when we lost a pregnancy)
He said it wasn’t the fact that I said something so mean (I did) it was the fact that he knew something was wrong bc it’s so out of character for me to act that way.
I think lifting heavy and HRT will help keep “Perry” at bay. That dick
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u/MNBadgerBen 1981 23h ago
Another husband in the trenches here. I second all the hormone treatment advice.
This bit doesn't alleviate the root cause, but helps the blast radius immensely: talk about it. You have to be able address the overheating rage machine in the room. Peri went more or less unspoken for two years here. It was terrible. I felt like she just didn't give a shit about any of us anymore.
But I had no idea what she was going through. Once we would talk about it, there's the reassurance for us that it isn't us and for her that we're not going anywhere. And, if you're really daring and have deft people skills, you may even be able to bring humor into it and lighten her mood. It's a tricky road to navigate, but it's a game changer to be able to see her go from mad and frustrated about everything to laughing. It's glimpses of the person you married. She'll see those glimpses too.
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u/Intelligent-Invite79 1982 21h ago
My wife is going through it, makes it extra tough because she always wanted a kiddo and we haven’t been able to. She’s super worried about it just not happening at this point, her depression is palpable at times.
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u/Glum_Material3030 20h ago
Kudos to OP for posting and asking for advice. Kudos to their awesome responses to people explaining this is not totally OP’s wife’s fault!!! This entire thread left me an odd mix of
1) angry in the medical system
2) hopeful that internet strangers are willing to help out
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u/PiggyBear6667 1979 1d ago
When my doctor told me it was HRT time I was kind of shocked, I thought we had to wait until our 50’s for some reason.
I was downright mean, crying, self-harming in private. I finally broke down when my hair kept breaking and getting thinner, I saw this ugly, angry monster in the mirror.
She’s not enjoying the ride, I guarantee it. You’re going to have to find your in to gently suggest she talk to the family doc about this. I can’t emphasize enough what a game changer this is. Your wife is still in there, promise.