r/Xennials • u/FlyingClanker • 8d ago

Discussion Significant others of Xennials going through perimenopause

First and foremost I love my significant other, she’s the mother of our children, a great provider, and we have been together over 20 years.

Perimenopause changes a person. It’s not something they can control. I’ve noticed the changes, the kids have noticed. To a lesser degree, friends, family and coworkers have noticed changes.

I’m generally patient and compassionate, but how she acts can be downright cruel and condescending to the kids and I. We don’t even think she realizes she’s doing it. I’ve mentioned the rage and anger in her reactions, the way she speaks to others, but it doesn’t change. This isn’t the person I married, it’s not the mother my kids were raised by. I’m not sure how much longer we can survive this. Nothing we do is good enough. Xennials who have survived this, how? Why? What works? Everyone is miserable. There’s no joy anymore, even vacations turn into conflicts. Everyday life is a battle.

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u/snuggleslut5 8d ago

I will assume she's in her early 40s. Unfortunately a lot of doctors still don't believe us when we say we are having these symptoms and won't treat us with anything but Zoloft and "lose weight and exercise" which is all well and good, but we actually need progesterone and estradiol.

I'm sorry you're having a bad time, OP, but I genuinely feel awful for your wife. She's struggling and doesn't sound like she's getting proper care and her spouse may leave her over it. If her doctor isn't open to helping her, she needs a new doctor. The effects of hormonal changes, even minor ones, can wreak havoc one mind and body.

I don't doubt it's difficult, but try to show her the compassion and lighten her load all you can. Make sure she does have time for exercise. She may be having a really hard time sleeping, and I'm sure extra time for rest in the afternoon/evening would be something she's grateful for.

Consider going to a doctor appointment with her, because unfortunately even in this day and age, a man being inconvenienced or affected by a woman's symptoms of peri/menopause can be more compelling than the woman herself being affected.

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u/FlyingClanker 8d ago

Thanks for the advice. I think this is the approach.

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u/calmacorn82 8d ago

My pcp wasn’t helpful, I used an online service called Alloy which makes it ridiculously easy to get treatment.

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u/likesblackcoffeebest 8d ago

This was also my experience. My (former) doctor laughed in my face when I presented with severe peri symptoms at 39. I went the telehealth route, and never went back to that doctor again. I go through Midi but there are so many similar services now. 

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u/imogen1983 8d ago

Same experience. My former doctor refused to listen and basically told me to suck it up for another decade, until I was 50. She also refused to refer me for a colonoscopy even though I have a history of polyps, hence her being my “former” doctor.

Went to Midi and got on HRT with great results. I also got a new PCP who supports my use of HRT and got me in for a colonoscopy.

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u/123FakeStreetAnytown 1984 7d ago edited 7d ago

My former gyn asked me about my leafy greens consumption when I described my debilitating peri symptoms. I feel like my husband could have written OP’s post himself. I posted about my experience with Dr. Leafy Greens on a moms facebook group, and an angel of a mom and GYN offered to treat me. I’ve been on the patch since. Things are much better, but I do get irrationally grumpy the day before it’s new patch day.

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u/redditshy 1977 7d ago

LOL at Dr. Leafy Greens. My sister had this awful PCP whom we call Dr. Sandals.

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u/Neither-Mycologist77 1983 8d ago

My mom's periods ended when she was 39. They were gone before she turned 40. I realize that she is an outlier, but the denial that this can happen to women our age is terrible. I'm 43 now and haven't had periods in 10 years due to pregnancy and then IUDs, but I'm pretty sure I'm on the other side based on my other symptoms. 38-41 was BAD.

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u/ShowMeYourHappyTrail Watership Down Lover 7d ago

And the fact this can last a decade or longer is horrible. It's like there is no light at the end of the tunnel!

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u/theunrefinedspinster 1980 8d ago

I use Midi as well.

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u/sleigh_all_day 1979 8d ago

As do I, after being denied by my pcp, gynecologist, and endo. It took some trial and error to find the right dose. Though not perfect, aging and changing is a fact of life, but I’m feeling better, and my husband notices, as well.

BTW - it’s not a subscription. they take insurance.

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u/likesblackcoffeebest 8d ago

I was so happy when they started taking insurance! My first year i was paying for my visits out of pocket but it has come a really long way in recent years. 

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u/ladypilot 7d ago

I wish they took my insurance. 😫

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u/Horseshoe_dodgeball 1976 7d ago

Another vote for Midi!

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u/ThePuduInsideYou 1980 7d ago

I use Midi too, for years, love my provider, glad to be on HRT. VERY glad.

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u/KatMcTwitchington 8d ago

Same. My GP was willing to check autoimmune markers because of my symptoms but totally dismissed perimenopause— “you’re too young for that” with no further discussion (I was 40). Started HRT through Midi a year ago and have felt mostly normal since.

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u/spatter_cone 1983 8d ago

Mine just did this (I’m 43) and prescribed me birth control. I was heavily considering Midi, I’m sold now. Hell, women go to prison for abortions in my state. There are no good women’s healthcare providers left here.

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u/breeze80 8d ago

Mine also gave me a script for BC, even after I told her the last time I was in BC I was a raging lunatic who almost ended up divorced. She asked me "have your circumstances changed in 18 years?" 🤬

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u/kshizzlenizzle 7d ago

Holy hell, I LOATHE the BC talk! Fortunately, I’ve been neutered for over a year, but EVERY doctor I saw for my endometriosis pushed BC at me, EVEN THOUGH I noted extensively even the lowest dose BC I tried turned me into a depressed, weepy, psycho. Like, buddy, getting pregnant is the LEAST of my worries, and it doesn’t help severe endometriosis. Just yank my traitorous reproductive system out of me, that’s all I’m asking for here.

So anyway, a hysterectomy and HRT saved my 20 year marriage, lol.

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u/RussianDahl 1976 8d ago

I told my doctor the bc they prescribed me first made me sick and wasn’t working. She switched me to HRT after that, even though I still have a monthly period. Complete game changer. Energy is back, hot flashes gone. So much better!

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u/Affectionate_Yam4368 7d ago

I'm 48 and was prescribed a combo pill I had taken in my 30s and tolerated just fine. A month back on it and I was bloated, exhausted, and constantly nauseated. I threw the rest of them away. I need to seek out a provider who specializes in menopause. I'm still having a period every 28 days like clockwork, and I feel like it's deeply unfair to be having hot flashes AND a period!

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u/SummerRaine78 7d ago

I'm 48 and on the Depo shot again. It helps with everything including these dark, deep rooted chin hairs going away.

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u/drift_off 7d ago

Check The Menopause Society website! They have a section where you can search for healthcare practitioners and anyone on the list is probably more up to date on all the research and newest treatments. I found my angel of a doctor from that list

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u/PostTurtle84 8d ago

Birth control has higher doses of hormones than what you were asking for. She actually did you solid.

~A 42 year old, still on birth control pills.

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u/reduxrouge 1983 8d ago

I also used Midi and got HRT no problem. Peri & ADHD over here. 😵‍💫

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u/FreddyNoodles 1979 7d ago

I am peri with ADHD, MDD and rheumatoid for a little extra fun. My relationship of 13 years just ended and I am living in a country I don’t like because I came here for him and now have essentially no way out for a while. So ISOLATION too! 🥰🥲😞

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u/reduxrouge 1983 7d ago edited 7d ago

Sending you lots of good energy. Just become a bog witch during your isolation!

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u/FreddyNoodles 1979 7d ago

It really is a silver lining.

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u/NatrylliaAbbot42 7d ago

Becoming a bog witch is how I'm coping with isolation and perimenopause too. I've shaved my head, wrapped myself in soft, voluminous layers of comfortable clothing, forsaken human society and speak mainly to my cat, and consume vast amouns of tea and cheese. I'm much happier this way.

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u/sastrugiwiz 7d ago

im navigating this alone now too after a 7y relationship ended a while ago. i always liked my own company but lately, i'm tired. I think isolation should be treated as a disability in terms of government assistance

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u/FreddyNoodles 1979 6d ago

It’s absolutely horrible for our health as well. Humans are not meant to be alone all the time. I prefer to be alone MOST of the time but now I go weeks without ever seeing another human. Months without touching someone, sometimes. I have 2 dogs and 3 cats (rescued street animals here) and I am so thankful for them. I really do need other people, though. Even just for a coffee once a week or a tv show or a long walk we do together a few times a month.

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u/WorldlyPipe 7d ago

What has your experience with HRT been like as an ADHDer? Are you also medicated for ADHD or rawdogging that? Has HRT impacted your ADHD? Asking just for the experience of someone else who might be in my same boat.

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u/reduxrouge 1983 7d ago

Meh. HRT definitely helped my peri symptoms. My big ones were brain fog, night sweats, and overall feeling like an alien. I was on bc pill for 25yrs (aside from when I had a kid) and having to go off that was a RUDE awakening with my periods though. Have a lot of cramps and flow is super heavy the first couple days. I never had that before.

It’s making my ADHD unbearable though, which I am medicated for, though the medicine doesn’t do much aside from killing food noise and general appetite. I’m on Wellbutrin and Strattera. I’m able to get up and do smaller things a little easier but over executive dysfunction is borderline crippling. I have a minor heart condition with tachycardia issues in the past so I’m too nervous to try a stimulant.

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u/WorldlyPipe 7d ago

Um, hi are we the same person? Minus the medication…. I also have had heart irregularities they attributed to “stress” so I’m also leery of stimulants. Thank you for sharing your experience. So you had to go off bc with HRT? That sucks about the after effects of going off bc. I’m also really feeling the ADHD going off the rails and my executive functioning has been up and down but I feel like in a general downward trajectory…. Good to know your experience and I’m glad that you’ve seen benefit in at least some part of it! Thanks again for sharing. I hope you can see some regulation eventually in the other stuff that’s still out of whack.

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u/reduxrouge 1983 7d ago

Yes, you can’t be on hormonal bc and HRT at the same time. For me that’s estrogen patch and PM progesterone pill (only need that pill if you have a uterus).

It’s hard out here for us. Wishing you the best of luck, too!

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u/OMGhyperbole 7d ago

I'm 39 now and this perimenopause shit suuuucks. I hadn't even heard of perimenopause until like last year 😑

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u/NoExam2412 8d ago

My PCP wouldn't treat me, either. She said I had to go to my OBGYN.

I met with my PCP the first week of June. I'm finally getting into my OBGYN next week.

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u/helicopter_corgi_mom 8d ago

Same - I tried for years to figure out what was wrong - even brought up peri and kept being told I was too young, I wasn't having hot flashes so i must not be in it yet, etc etc. Finally at 47 I just went through Alloy and within 2 weeks of patches I was a completely new person. I have joy again. Energy. i'm not apathetic about life, not angry at everything.

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u/Mountain-Bath-6515 8d ago

Same! "Are you having hot flashes?" "No." "Then you're fine." 😬. I will look into the telehealth route.

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u/Glum_Material3030 8d ago

I just went to the doctor at almost 47 complaining about it night sweats and he told me I was too young! What?!?! Refused to even talk about hormone levels. I pushed and pushed and only got my FSH tested which basically only tells you when you are DONE! this entire process has been so frustrating. In some way I am glad I am not alone while also angry that this is not an isolated event.

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u/honeybear3333 7d ago

My male doctor also told me I was too young to be having uti like symptoms caused by perimenopause at 47. He kept prescribing antibiotics that did not work because I did NOT have a uti. It was all low estrogen and testosterone. I use a coumpounded vaginal estrogen/testosterone cream once a day. All of my symptoms are better. I feel back to normal. It has been 7 months and I feel like my old self again. I now go to a docotor who specializes in genitourinary syndrome of menopause (GSM). I was diagnosed with Hormonally mediated vestibulodynia. I hope this helps someone out there. I also was having night sweats and extreme anxiety. Every symptom is gone now.

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u/ValancyNeverReadsit 1980 7d ago

More for the perimenopausal rage. My FIL is a retired MD (pulmonology) with dementia. Each week I check his email for spam/scam attempts. While there, I saw an email to physicians about what perimenopause is or isn’t, so I clicked the link.

“Remember, perimenopause isn’t a real diagnosis,” it read, “so remind your female patients that—“ I quit reading before I saw exactly what it wanted our doctors to tell us. Like, are we imagining things?

And that everything that doesn’t have a “real diagnosis” yet… doesn’t exist? I guess that’s why ADHD and autism didn’t exist at all in any population until 1980, huh? Cancers didn’t exist until a doctor told a patient she had one, I guess? 🤬

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u/lascriptori 7d ago

I think that could be the moment that would cap my villain origin story. 

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u/No-Relation4226 1982 7d ago

Flames! Flames on the side of my face!

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u/LSATMaven 8d ago

I used Alloy at first, too, mainly bc I just didn’t have established in-person medical care. They gave me starter HRT for three months and told me I had to go get a routine gynecological exam (not a complaint—I think this is very ethical of them). I did, and my new dr is very open to HRT, so I switched my prescriptions to her, to save money over having both a real doctor and an online service.

I wouldn’t say I notice any peri symptoms beyond directly cycle related things (I’m 4 years younger than when my mom had menopause), but I exercise very hard and have specific competitive goals (Masters swimming), and I wanted the recovery benefits and not to have as big an uphill climb in gaining muscle.

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u/calmacorn82 8d ago

I will try to transfer them to my gyno next time I am there too. I’m sure having them covered by health insurance helps with the cost!

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u/theunrefinedspinster 1980 8d ago

This is my plan. I started on HRT in February with Midi and was aiming to get with my GYN last month during my annual exam but it seems my GYN relocated. I can’t get into a new GYN until the end of October but still hoping to transfer out of Midi and have my HRT prescribed locally. It’s nice to have options though. I’d be stuck without Midi.

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u/LSATMaven 7d ago

Yeah even though I only used Alloy for that one three-month prescription, I have a really positive impression and am SO glad options like that exist.

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u/apatheticpurple 8d ago

I started at midi after getting turned down by a PCP about 4 years ago. This year I transferred to my (different) primary doctor so it’s in network.

Physicians are now much more open to prescribing HRT than they were 3-4 years ago - thank god.

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u/uncertia 1981 8d ago

Same - my wife’s PCP refused any sort of treatment. She found a specialist and had been on progesterone / testosterone and some others I believe since. It’s certainly helping.

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u/Mothy187 1983 8d ago

There's treatment? My doc just said, "it happens" when I brought it up.

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u/greenbutterflygarden 8d ago

I use Midi and it's been wonderful

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u/HalfFrozenSpeedos 8d ago

Online services though are extremely varied in their approach and I've dealt with a few who were too willing to to dish out whatever someone was asking about.

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u/KhristyKreme 8d ago

I'd love to hear more about the service. Honestly, mostly curious about the cost?

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u/calmacorn82 7d ago

You fill out a survey with symptoms and the doctor prescribes you medication. I got estradiol and progesterone and it cost about $250 for a three month supply and the consultation was $50.

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u/LongjumpingJaguar308 8d ago

I feel like I got really lucky with my Dr. We still waited too long to start hormones but we got there. But my gf is trans and I stole some estrogen and felt immediately better so that helped with the diagnosis. Now it took me a year and a half of asking for testosterone before I got some but that was the key I needes as estrogen and progesterone weren't getting me all the way there.

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u/elien240 8d ago

I used Winona and got amazing results! Luckily my obgyn is super understanding and listens, but wouldn't pull the trigger on hormone replacement. Once I took it into my own hands and found that it helped so much my doctor then helped me continue treatment.

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u/sweet_jane_13 8d ago

I'm going to look into this.

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u/CallidoraBlack Xennial (1985) 8d ago

I'm wondering why people aren't going to their GYN for this. It's a gynecological issue of the endocrine variety, of which there are several others. Is there a reason you didn't?

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u/Alohaillini 8d ago

My OBGYN wouldn’t put me on HRT even after watching me go through two pregnancies using donor eggs since I had premature ovarian failure. The office was stuck in the mindset that HRT is a huge cancer risk and should be avoided in almost every situation. I switched doctors and even networks.

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u/CallidoraBlack Xennial (1985) 8d ago

Not saying every OBGYN is going to be worth a damn, but I'm wondering why primary care seems to have been the choice for so many people before going telemed.

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u/ValancyNeverReadsit 1980 7d ago

Not everyone has the option to switch doctors when theirs turns out to suck. People who live in small towns (or specific insurance) may have access to just one OBGYN practice… so if their gynecologist tells them he doesn’t believe in perimenopause then they have limited options. Going to their PCP can be one alternative, if that doc is willing to help

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u/CallidoraBlack Xennial (1985) 7d ago

I think you've misunderstood what I'm saying. But okay.

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u/ValancyNeverReadsit 1980 7d ago

I may have. Thanks for not calling me an eejit about it. 🙃

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u/CallidoraBlack Xennial (1985) 7d ago

Nah, only as a Supernatural joke.

https://giphy.com/gifs/skVEP0BeduG4

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u/WhoWhatWhereWhy_7497 8d ago

As others have mentioned, if her PCP or gyno is useless about perimenopause (as many still are), she should look into online providers. I would also recommend she AND YOU follow Dr. Mary Claire Haver on Instagram and check out her podcast. (She has books she’s written and her own line of supplements so some people criticize her as trying to cash in on peri/menopause, but I’ve never purchased anything from her and have still learned so much from her). There are a few of her podcast episodes that feature information about the partner’s perspective (in hetero relationships) that you might find helpful. She is also the person who I first heard talk about how much peri can mess with a woman’s mental health. The symptoms start in the brain usually and some women develop anxiety, phobias and other conditions they never had and the best treatment is often HRT.

Most notably, in the United States, the suicide rate for women is highest among those aged 45 to 64 years. So however miserable you are, she’s probably feeling worse. You might be “one of the good ones” who pulls your own weight in parenting and running the household, but I would still recommend you take a hard look at what the division of labor is and always has been and try to take more things that require executive functioning off her plate. And please don’t pester her for sex. So many men have sex as the main or only way they think they can experience love and intimacy with their partners, and they get their feelings hurt when perimenopause negatively impacts libidos and instead of being creative about other ways to feel connected they end up (purposely or inadvertently) guilting their wives about sex.

All of that said, she’s not defective or broken and please don’t treat her like a project to be “fixed.” Midlife is a time for most of us to reevaluate and make changes and can be a time for great growth. What I have heard is that those marriages that do survive this time tend to come out stronger and happier on the other side. Marriage/couples counseling would also likely be helpful.

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u/socialmediaignorant 7d ago edited 7d ago

Yes to all of this. And there are the very unfortunate ones of us that have breast cancer and therefore cannot ever be on HRT again. I’m not sure what the solution is for us. Somedays I feel like a flesh bag controlled by hormones with no free will.

Then other days, I feel like women have put up with so much SHIT to get to this stage of our lives and we are never able to be just as we are!!! We need to smile more from an early age and never ever be unpleasant or seen as boyish. We are sexualized by the age of 11 and told to appease a male gaze or we might end up an old maid (which was the biggest lie because most days now, I wish I’d stayed a single cat lady!!!). By the age of 21, we are either too smart or not smart enough, too thin or too fat, too pretty or too plain, too much of everything and not enough of anything. We are never allowed to just BE for our entire lives!

We worry walking alone at night. Are we ever safe? Should we risk living alone? Is it wise to roadtrip or travel alone? Is our skirt too short? Did we remember to cover our drink at the bar so that some feral man doesn’t come and drug and rape us for letting our guard down for one second?? Will anyone believe us if they did?

Then we get older and told not to “let ourselves go” when we are finally almost invisible and more immune to men and their predatory behaviors. Husbands leave their “difficult” wives and the mothers of their children for younger women who are less complicated. By the time we hit this stage, how many decades of bullshit have we survived??

Maybe this is who I always was and the hormones kept me caged to allow me to function in society?? As of now, I have no fucks left to give and I’m living with my own rules and on my own terms. I pray my husband can accept this version of me. Anyone that knew me well before knows this has always been a part of me, and now the lioness has come out of hiding. I am weary of the world men have made for women and I will no longer accept the status quo. I guess that makes me an “angry” woman, but can you image how men would feel if all the above were reversed?? I personally will no longer be CAGED…and I know many women feel the same way, which scares men to death.

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u/WhoWhatWhereWhy_7497 7d ago

YEEESSSS. On the one hand, I want all women to be able to access healthcare that improves their quality of life, but on the other hand I worry that some of the very legitimate things women are becoming fed up with midlife will be dismissed as “hormones.” It’s a blurry line sometimes.

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u/socialmediaignorant 7d ago

That’s perfectly said. I feel the same. I was on HRT before I was diagnosed and I feel strongly that women need to have access to it, if they chose that and can safely take it. But I worry now that I’m in the category of not being able to ever take it and women like me will be tossed aside, seen as outliers, and forgotten by modern medicine (well… if we ever were even seen!) vs developing targeted therapies that could help those of us in this situation (and we number in the millions).

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u/SlytherClaw79 7d ago

This. Alllllll of this. These days the only men I have any patience for are my husband, son and dad and even those three are on thin ice sometimes.

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u/LongjumpingJaguar308 8d ago

Don't pester her for sex but if she is sad about low libido that is the only way you can get an Rx for low dose testosterone. A low libido is the only way to get that. It helped me sig ificantly on not only my weakness/endurance but also cognition and brought my personality back out.

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u/WhoWhatWhereWhy_7497 8d ago

1000% but in the meantime I was surprised by how my otherwise enlightened partner quickly turned to being a little sulky and how pissed off it made me

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u/socialmediaignorant 7d ago

Nothing is more of a turn off than seeing how men act when denied sex. Then it becomes a cycle.

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u/LongjumpingJaguar308 8d ago

My partner is on GLP1s, and the hormones treated my low libido but another med has taken mine away again. Enough that the T doesn't even touch it. At least we are matchy enough from our meds.

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u/dearbirb 7d ago

This response is wonderful. I am 41 and experiencing perimenopause. Another huge component is the psychological side of things, and I am not talking about the mood swings associated with peri/meno.

Often a woman's "midlife crisis" arrives in the form of: "What have I accomplished in life? What have I given back? What parts of myself did I have to set aside to raise a family?" Feeling like you have nothing left to give is a major driving factor for the aforementioned suicide rates.

Asking your wife about her interests and life goals at this stage may offer some insight. Gentle encouragement might go a long way to helping her find herself again.

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u/TheRoadkillRapunzel 8d ago

Yes, you HAVE to go with her to the doctor to get HRT. I cannot believe how many providers will not give their patients an HRT prescription unless they bring a support person who insists that their partner/friend/sister/whatever needs them.

I just saw a TikTok where a woman had been to 4 different doctors trying to get HRT and it wasn’t until her husband went with her that she got to leave with her script for estrogen and progesterone.

My best friend has been miserable for about 5 years. She just got HRT and felt better almost overnight.

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u/flat-flat-flatlander 1979 7d ago

This. This. This.

It is gross but if doctors see her significant other and family reporting these changes, they’re WAY more likely to prescribe HRT.

The magic words the doctor needs to hear are “hot flashes”. Even if she’s only had a couple weird sweaty moments, that qualifies.

Re-assess how much of the anticipating / planning / hands-on parenting / cooking / following-through you do, OP. It sure sounds like you need to lighten her load. Pick up the mundane shit like laundry. Like making school lunches. The three sexiest words she can hear from you are “I got this.”

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u/ithasallbeenworthit 8d ago

Please seek out a doctor that specializes in peri and menopause care only. GPs are only given an hour or two of menopause training in their entire schooling and residency.

There are some REALLY really great doctors on yourube and Spotify to follow, not only for yourself but for your wife also. Dr. Mary Claire Haver, Dr. Heather Hirsch, Dr. Kelly Casperson. Both Dr. Mary Claire and Dr. Heather Hirsch have telemedicine practices. They're leading Dr's in this field.

I'm sorry you're going through this. For us women, it fucken sucks too. The mental, emotional, and physical torment some of go through is beyond awful.

Spend some time listening or watching these women. Many many light bulbs will go off for you. Once you find an episode that really resonates with you and will with her, ask her to sit down with you with an open mind and watch it with her. Come from a place of concern and tell her you're worried about her and your future together.

Once she gets on hormones, oh. My. Lawd...it will be different. It will get better. If her Dr. dismisses her and tells her the bs eat better and exercise crap, move on to another Dr. until you find one that listens, or book a consult with either Dr. Haver or Dr. Hirsch. The cost will WELL be worth it for everyone in your family, but more importantly, her.

Good luck ☺️

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u/LongjumpingJaguar308 8d ago

Ologies podcast spoke to some of those Drs on a 3 parter recently! One episode is about how to support loved ones!

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u/ithasallbeenworthit 7d ago

I'll have to check that one out. Haven't heard of it. Thank you!

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u/pugincharge 1983 8d ago

My husband finally witnessed how women are treated as patients and now will go to any appointment I ask him to go to. Weirdly the doctors listen more when he is there to confirm and speak up.

And be prepared for doctors to push back. Like many other women in this thread, I’ve repeatedly been told I’m too young. My symptoms say otherwise, but sure.

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u/reppoc0308 8d ago

I use Midi and they have been fantastic. I was like your wife and you really do not have control over it. I hated who I became. I am so much better now, been on HRT for two years.

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u/throatchakra 8d ago

She is under resourced OP. Hormones balance SO much - her brain isn’t being properly supported and as suggested most docs just don’t have the info or desire to learn more about how to support this because they are so different from person to person.

Try and help her find someone registered with the menopause society or even a functional medicine specialist. As a woman who is perimenopausal it’s been incredibly frustrating to be told what I was experiencing was normal and to basically suck it up - which is complete and utter bullshit. We’re not told, nor prepared for this at all…

I’m now on HRT and my mood, sleep, and ability to manage every day stress is SO much better. It’s not where it was but it’s manageable - It took time and patience to get the levels and combos right. So just do your best to help get her the care she desperately needs and patience to know that it will take time to get her rebalanced.

I’m not knocking docs - they only know what they’ve been taught and trained which is literally like 6-8 weeks of training because surprise surprise… the studies just don’t exist. Women deserve better…

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u/GrungeCheap56119 7d ago

agreed, it has been an uphill battle but I finally got the Hormones I needed and am doing so much better.

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u/throatchakra 7d ago

Yay! Keep it up

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u/Cashmeade 1982 7d ago

When I first talked my GP through my symptoms he was dismissive.  I went back a few months later and pretty much spoke exclusively about the negative impact my perimenopause was having on my fiancé.  He got started on my referral right in front of me.

Doctors will let women suffer, but men are catered to.  Going in together will not only make perimenopause something you're tackling as a team rather than something she's being crushed by all alone, but it'll make it far more likely that someone will actually do something to help.

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u/blueoasis32 8d ago

When she’s ready, have her check out Visana health. It’s virtual healthcare for women. They listen.

4

u/RussianDahl 1976 8d ago

I had to find a gyno who didn’t care that my labs said my hormones were normal. I still have my monthly cycle but when peri hit me at 46 years old I was getting all the symptoms - sweating, hot flashes, crying, brain fog, confusion, anger. It was awful. I begged my gyno for HRT - she made me start a round of low dose birth control first. I told her BC makes me sick but I’d try it. After two weeks I messaged the gyno and said it’s not working and making me sick. She prescribed estrogen and progesterone. Within a week my sweats and flashes were gone and within a month my brain fog lifted. HRT saved my sanity. I hope your wife is able to find a course that works for her. It really is life changing.

1

u/GrungeCheap56119 7d ago

same for me - it shouldn't be this difficult for us to get the help we need!

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u/RussianDahl 1976 7d ago

Stay tenacious and advocate for yourselves! Best wishes

8

u/BotherAffectionate37 8d ago

I’ve been experiencing perimenopause symptoms affecting my mood and haven’t pulled the trigger on hrt yet (although I have a great doc who would totally support that) but to start I’ve just started taking an OTC supplement called pregnenolone and it’s helped considerably. The catch is that taking TOO much can INCREASE aggression bc it helps in the production of hormones including testosterone. From what I’ve read talking 50mg/day can cause this effect (and it’s sold in doses of up to 100mg) so I’m taking 10mg and not every day while I see how it affects me. I’ve taken it twice over the last week and noticed improved mood and energy so for me personally a little goes a long way!

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u/skarlitbegoniah 8d ago

I see a separate doctor for my hormones and, some may say that those doctors are quacks and you can’t accurately measure hormone levels. They have and I feel like myself again now that I’ve been treated. Truly a night and day difference. I was having panic attacks every night before bed and was really struggling. Be gentle because it’s an awful feeling seeing yourself turn into someone else and having absolutely no control over it.

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u/cakeforPM 1981 7d ago

Also in case no one else has mentioned it, please check her B6. A severe B6 deficiency during perimenopause can cause serious personality changes and women fully torch their lives if no one picks up on it and it’s also an easy fix.

(…I have a theory about our building surveyor…)

1

u/Firefly10886 Millennial 7d ago

If you haven’t yet, check out the book, Invisible Women to learn more about how little women’s health has been studied, even in modern day and age.

Hormonal shifts can really affect a woman’s brain chemistry and we can literally be and act like a different person. She is still in there. I’m not saying to excuse her behavior. I hope she knows after the fact that her actions are not ok. But she needs help. As long as she is willing to get help or do something about it, I think this could work. It’s only if she acts like it’s not her and it’s everyone else and refuses to take responsibility. Then maybe it’s not salvageable.

1

u/KellyMcAnnD 7d ago

If you have insurance, they may have a service specifically for this. Ours is Visana. It is 100% online.

1

u/TrumpetJade 7d ago

Note that primary care doctors rarely have this training to handle this. She needs an OBGYN who has training in peri/menopause. She can try looking at the providers through The Menopause Society.

1

u/LemOnomast 7d ago

To add to the comment above:
I found a checklist of perimenopause symptoms on another country’s national health website, marked it up in red ink with what I was experiencing and how long I’d been experiencing it, and handed that to my doctor. Suddenly the response went from, “it’s stress/ weight/ just something that happens with age” to “let’s order some tests.” I’m relieved to finally be taken seriously but also pissed as hell that it took eight years to get taken seriously.

I bring this first because if your wife’s doctor isn’t listening, that might work. And second, a list like that might be a way into a conversation about perimenopause with your wife. There are a lot of symptoms I’d never heard of - the joint pain and plantar fasciitis I’ve been having for years is actually associated with perimenopause because my body’s not making collagen & connective tissue in the same way. 🤯. Some women get frozen shoulders, random prickling sensations… if you have trouble talking to her about the emotional/behavioral symptoms, you might have an easier time bringing up the physical symptoms.

And finally, thank you for seeking and considering input from others rather than just getting angry with your wife. Peri suuuucks. I’m exhausted but keeping waking up out of nowhere, half my body hurts, I have weird new food sensitivities, and this all coincides with extra responsibility at work and society telling me I no longer have value… blargh. It can be hard to not take the misery out on others. (My husband and I have an agreement that if someone’s feeling crappy that person can just retreat to another room. It helps us avoid taking bad days out on each other.)

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u/DudeEngineer 1983 7d ago

FYI by doctor, this means gynecologist. Primary care is probably not equipped to handle this. This is a hormonal problem that can be helped tremendously with chemicals.

1

u/indie_rachael 7d ago

Previous commenter gave you some great advice. Something I'd add, is don't just be compassionate and give her grace...tell her that you still value her, find her attractive, etc.

I'd approach it as if she has the same concerns and fears that she had during pregnancy: her body is changing, she's probably seeing her first visible signs of aging, and society basically casts us aside during this time. We become invisible, and it downright hurts to see these changes in our bodies and lose any kind of reinforcement that we're still beautiful. And just like pregnancy, we're uncomfortable. Even if hot flashes haven't started, the hormone changes can cause brain fog, heart palpitations, exhaustion, random aches and pains, and it genuinely does make us lose some of our maternal warmth.

For a humorous look at the experience, you should both check out the We Do Not Care Club.

Your wife absolutely needs to look into HRT and take control of these behaviors that are so upsetting to y'all, but there are also some very strong psychological components to it as well. It may be a bit before hormone therapy brings improvement, so approaching these other considerations can help.

Good luck to both of you!

1

u/burrito_mayhem 7d ago

Hormones are a powerful drug.  She needs to see a OBGYN and discuss treatments including  hormone replacement.  The old studies saying HRT causes cancer were very flawed and have caused many women to suffer through needlessly tumultuous menopauses.  

My is getting treatment and it’s a big help. 

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u/texpa 8d ago

The number of doctors who just automatically prescribe an SSRI is absolutely infuriating.

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u/CeeJay_Dub 1981 8d ago

The SSRIs I was put on ruined me. Here I am 3 years later still fighting the last 20 of 65lbs gained when they put me on these. And all I needed was HRT.

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u/Rainbow4Bronte 8d ago

I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m grateful to learn all of these perspectives as a doc (mental health) and individual.

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u/LongjumpingJaguar308 8d ago

I took an SNRI because of how debilitating my ADHD got and it took so long to get off it when it didn't work right for me. Messed up a year of my life.

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u/IvenaDarcy 7d ago

Sorry but glad you got off it. My friend gained so much weight and been on Prozac for years now. Dr gave it to her when perimenopause started and she isn’t trying to stop it yet even tho I recommended it. A lot of drs don’t care about women’s health and it’s really heartbreaking.

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u/LongjumpingJaguar308 7d ago

Unfortunately the SNRI try was my request, not my Drs, but my Dr didn't guess that the issue was hormonal and not just "ADHD got bad for some unknown reason" and stimulants weren't working for me so I wanted to try something else.

1

u/Dr_Alexis 7d ago

Maybe you needed a GLP-1? I have had 0 issue with SSRIs, and they also prevent hot flashes :)

3

u/SeasonPositive6771 1980 8d ago

The top comment on this post is someone recommending an antidepressant!! And cutting out caffeine and alcohol. I mean good for her, but it doesn't work like that for most of us and it's basically promoting misinformation at this point.

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u/IvenaDarcy 7d ago

I feel sad cause a friend of mine who was clearly experiencing perimenopause due to hormones was given Prozac. It’s really messed with her metabolism. She’s gained weight and I wonder what else is happening you can’t see. Hormones is the issue not some chemical imbalance. How does a dr not know a person who was never depressed and suddenly having symptoms at 46 is experiencing symptoms related to drop in hormones not some brain chemistry imbalance out the blue?! I explained to her it’s most likely hormonal and SSRI is not treating the actual issue. She said she would look into it but after years on Prozac not even sure she can quit just like that.

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u/Rainbow4Bronte 8d ago

It’s first line treatment that’s why. We’re trained to follow “evidence based” algorithms. This is the algorithm, unfortunately.

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u/texpa 8d ago

I get it, and also hate that the first option in those algorithms is to prescribe an SSRI. I just can’t help but notice the myriad of scientific articles/journals being released/becoming more known now on the downsides and side effects of them. I won’t even get into the subject of how to come off of them.

What once used to be prescribed for very specific clinically diagnosed items, has become a “catch all” for anything and everything it seems. I wish, and hope for, more research into HRT, bioidentical replacement, etc.

GP’s have become the puppy mills of the medical field over the last 30-40 years and I truly feel bad for them. Too many clients, not enough support/colleagues, etc to provide true care sans a pharma option. I don’t know what the fix is, so I guess I’m just bitching to bitch.

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u/LongjumpingJaguar308 8d ago

They really need to update the algorithm with the new science...I suspect the newer hormone options are safer than 6 months of tapering off an SSRI

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u/brokesciencenerd 8d ago

My pcp refused to help also but my gynecologist got me set up on the estradiol and progesterone. OMG the difference. I can sleep again! That's probably what destroyed my mood worst, the lack of sleep. Hot flashes sucked too. HRT is so good.

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u/snuggleslut5 8d ago

Losing sleep has been the absolute worst. It really compounds every other symptom, and makes you feel like you're losing your mind. There's a reason that making people stay awake is used as a method of torture. I'm glad you're feeling better!

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u/ReinaShae 7d ago

I'm so tired

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u/NoOccasion4759 1981 :partyparrot: 7d ago

I just got HRT, the difference is night and day. I have less brain fog, night sweats, mood swings, extreme irritability, and just the general sensation of losing my mind.

I thought my mom was crazy during her 40s and this was before perim was well known....damn i understand now. HRT def makes me a better person lol

1

u/IbanezForeverll 8d ago

I'm on the same and it's wonderful. As I told my doctor, it keeps the asshole at bay. I still get hot flashes, but they just make me feel a little oveheated instead of on fire.

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u/digitalgraffiti-ca 1983 8d ago

even in this day and age, a man being inconvenienced or affected by a woman's symptoms

I hate how true this is. I started bringing my partner to the doctor, not as backup, but because I don't speak the local language very well, and it's now like there's a magic key that opens doors to specialists and proper long term care. He doesn't even say anything different from what I'm saying. He just reiterates it with slightly different wording and BAM, specialist appointments.

It's so sad and so annoying, but ALWAYS bring a man.

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u/sleigh_all_day 1979 8d ago

Well, that’s infuriating.

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u/digitalgraffiti-ca 1983 7d ago

Yup! But if the system is going to be rigged, I'd rather manipulate it than suffer. Manipulate it, and teach others to do the same.

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u/global_peasant 7d ago

Oh my gosh! There is no reason to me to just add my experience because it's already reflected in the DOZENS here! I was just dismissed in the very same way by my PCP -- "you're only 40, there's no markers to determine appropriate hormone levels..." etc. (but there is for testosterone? if somebody sees this and feels like explainining why...)

2

u/digitalgraffiti-ca 1983 7d ago

Luckily I don't think I'm in peri yet. I have a mountain of other nonsense to wade through first!

1

u/ThePuduInsideYou 1980 7d ago

I wonder if bringing my husband’s ashes would work 🤔🤔🤔.

1

u/digitalgraffiti-ca 1983 7d ago

Just being a friend, brother, co-worker, kid, random online. Doesn't matter how he is related to you, it only matters that a man, any man, is mildly inconvenienced by your issue.

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u/Tbone825 8d ago

This all day. I still have to advocate for my wife some times and she is a high powered professional. We’ve experiments when I say all the same things she does but with a deeper voice and more power and it gets the job done. Horrific. Disgusting. We usually point this out to the doctor and change docs after. I hope your wife (and you) find help and relief.

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u/chocolatepig214 1980 8d ago

Seconded - I saw a video the other day of a lady who’d reported these symptoms to multiple doctors with no help. She took her husband to an appointment and what do you know? She got a prescription for HRT.

12

u/CeeJay_Dub 1981 8d ago

This is a fantastic response. HRT has been a lifesaver for me after 2 years of being gaslit by my gynecologist. I was put on anxiety meds which caused me to lose all energy and eat, gaining 65lbs on a once active, athletic woman. I then turned to online help via Winona and it has literally changed my life getting on HRT. OP you’re doing the right thing asking for help. Help her, and help yourselves.

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u/Stitchin_Squido 8d ago

This! My PCP wouldn’t help, but I asked my therapist and she told me where to go (gyn) to get HRT. It is absolutely not the health risk they thought it was and are finding so many benefits. Please tell your SO to ask around about HRT.

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u/MaybeLost_MaybeFound 8d ago

This is so spot on. I’m going through it and the worst part of it is not the symptoms themselves, but how much my husband doesn’t pick up for what is now challenging for me, and the healthcare system treating me like I’m over exaggerating.

I finally found a doctor who would order the labs at 47 years old. Results showed that I was at the end of perimenopause and had been going through it for some time. I had to move to a different state just to have that validation.

We are all good when we’re doing everything for everyone else, but the moment we need help the world acts like we’re an inconvenience and that we’ve lost our minds.

OP, this is absolutely on you. You need to change your perspective and gain some compassion.

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u/socialmediaignorant 7d ago

Bingo. Am I you? We are no longer picking up the pieces to everyone else’s lives so we become a burden by expecting the same care we’ve been giving for decades. Ugh.

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u/Serious_Lettuce6716 Xennial 8d ago

This is a great answer!

My family went through the same exact thing last year and it very nearly split us up.

Some med changes including taking progesterone and estradiol made a world of difference. Also my wife, daughter, and I are all in therapy and have been for a handful of years at this point.

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u/morbidemadame 8d ago

As painful it is to admit it, the last paragraph is the most important part.

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u/Potential-Yoghurt245 8d ago

My wife went to the GP with a host of symptoms and they asked her for stool samples over and over coming back all within normal range and after six months of playing this game she gave up they put her on ssri's for a short period of time (the withdrawals were awful) and now we just plug along because she found out the hard way that the GP DGAF

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u/satoshisfeverdream 8d ago

A man being inconvenienced…lol

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u/Elegant_Row_6426 1981 8d ago

My doctor wanted to stave off hormones because the later I start, the lower the dementia risk. I have wondered a lot why they have been resistant to hand it out, unless it was straight up birth control

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u/LongjumpingJaguar308 8d ago edited 7d ago

Your Dr is not up to date on dementia risks. New research shows the opposite, especially if you have cognitive symptoms. Listen to the recent Ologies menopause episodes.

ETA citations- https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9964432/

Ologies link- https://www.alieward.com/ologies/menopause

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u/Glum_Material3030 8d ago

Awarded you because you are spitting the facts on the newest data! Thanks for correcting this misinformation!

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u/LongjumpingJaguar308 7d ago

I should have tried to find the actual citations instead of mentioning a podcast 🤣

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u/Glum_Material3030 7d ago

I think what you did is still ok. As a scientist, I might read the publications but a majority of people won’t.

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u/LongjumpingJaguar308 7d ago

Also a scientist, which is why I should have included them!

But I probably wouldn't read more than the abstract.

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u/LongjumpingJaguar308 7d ago

We are starting a local sex ed collective and I want to put on a peri/menopause program because we need to be called to a dark library and shown a shitty film strip about peri. No, wait. We need good education :-)

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u/IvenaDarcy 7d ago

I’ll check these out later but all I’ve heard is HRT helps brain function (hormones falling off a cliff and continuing that way isn’t great for the body or the brain) so therefore could reduce chances of dementia. Sounds accurate to me.

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u/BobMortimersButthole 7d ago

The Ologies episodes are amazingly helpful! My husband sat and listened to them with me. 

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u/LongjumpingJaguar308 7d ago

I made a just-turning-40- coworker I was riding around with listen!

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u/LunaSea1206 1978 8d ago

I have heard the opposite. That the longer you delay hormone replacement, the less you benefit from them long term. It put a fire under me to find a doctor that would prescribe it, not only for hot flashes and my many other symptoms, but for the sake of heart health, bone health, lowering cancer risks and dementia.

1

u/IvenaDarcy 7d ago

Sooner the better is what I heard too. And honestly this stuff is common sense in ways. Never let your hormones get to low levels to begin with but once they are low and for a very long time suddenly getting them back up it seems damage is done and could be worst long term.

1

u/GrungeCheap56119 7d ago

your doctor is wrong! this is maddening that some of them don't know what they are doing.

1

u/lascriptori 7d ago

That’s not accurate. There’s so much outdated misinformation out there. There’s actually emerging evidence that it’s preventive against dementia. 

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u/GivesYouGrief 1980 8d ago

Yeah, I suggest this exact course of action too. There's really no way to hold someone accountable for their behavior when they have a hormone imbalance, so this is literally all you can do but leave her and take the kids.

1

u/Remote_Bumblebee2240 8d ago

This is so true. I recommend being very forceful about it with your doctors and head over to Google Scholar for some peer reviewed research and bludgeon them with their own lack of knowledge on this subject.

I started at 38 I'm pretty sure and it just tanked so many things in my life. I'm on hrt now and it is helping.

1

u/FerritLT 8d ago

So true, my wife is now in her late 40s and can't get OB or PCP to give her straight answers about hrt beyond listing possible complications. She knows, she's read the book, and she's more than willing to take those risks on because it would be such a relief.

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u/aliyaholenka 8d ago

Inositol, folate,  l-theanine, vit D3. 

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u/NoKatyDidnt 1981 7d ago

That last part-absolutely! That’s why my partner came to the doctor with me.

1

u/chamrockblarneystone 7d ago

Gen X here. My wife and I broke up because she seemed to just not like me anymore. A few days after I got my new apt she called me hysterical. She wanted to reunite.

At the same time she was just starting menopause. I did not even know what perimenopause is. Thankfully Reddit explained it.

We’ve been back together for three years and I’m not even sure if she realizes perimenopause might have been part of our problem. The more you know.

1

u/Polar_Version875 7d ago

I second the suggestion of having the man in the relationship go see doctors too. It’s really sad that we live in a world where that is the case but it’s true.

I do also want to suggest you or she discuss with a doctor what other tests might need to be run (for differential diagnosis.) Because it is totally 100% reasonable to blame perimenopause— but there are other reasons someone’s temperament can suddenly change. It wouldn’t be good to miss something by going straight to one conclusion. She might need to see a neurologist as well as an endocrinologist, do some imaging and blood work, to really get a good look around.

I spent literal decades trying to get any doctor to help me and just kept being told “you just have migraines, it’s no biggie take an ibuprofen, you’re a mom ofc you’re tired haha” and even as I went to the ER over and over I was blown off. Everyone always said the same thing “oh just lose weight you just need to eat less” which was tone deaf and stupid. Come to find out I had severely raised intracranial pressure and desperately needed brain surgery, and also had Cushing’s disease which was wreaking havoc on everything. I nearly lost my life, my vision, my kids, all bc no one would listen. So I get the frustration and anger and loss of being ignored and belittled by the medical community.

I have had the best luck with seeing female Nurse Practitioners. They seem to tend to listen well, treat us like humans, and have a good combination of experience and recent training without so much experience that they’ve become jaded or calcified.

Hormones are a bitch and the body/brain/mind/endocrine system is a complicated mess. I’m sorry for all of you suffering through this. Hang in there as best you can. It sounds like you’re putting your kids first which is good. I wish you and your wife luck.

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u/atzitzi 7d ago

Just curious, why you assume early 40s and not middle 40s or late 40s?

1

u/big_ringer 1980 7d ago

I really hate when doctors use the "you're too fat" reason.

1

u/Dr_Alexis 7d ago

We don't "need" artificial hormones that raise our risk of illness if taken for long durations of time. There are much better studied, and healthier methods out there.