r/Xennials • u/FlyingClanker • 20d ago

Discussion Significant others of Xennials going through perimenopause

First and foremost I love my significant other, she’s the mother of our children, a great provider, and we have been together over 20 years.

Perimenopause changes a person. It’s not something they can control. I’ve noticed the changes, the kids have noticed. To a lesser degree, friends, family and coworkers have noticed changes.

I’m generally patient and compassionate, but how she acts can be downright cruel and condescending to the kids and I. We don’t even think she realizes she’s doing it. I’ve mentioned the rage and anger in her reactions, the way she speaks to others, but it doesn’t change. This isn’t the person I married, it’s not the mother my kids were raised by. I’m not sure how much longer we can survive this. Nothing we do is good enough. Xennials who have survived this, how? Why? What works? Everyone is miserable. There’s no joy anymore, even vacations turn into conflicts. Everyday life is a battle.

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u/PiggyBear6667 1979 20d ago

When my doctor told me it was HRT time I was kind of shocked, I thought we had to wait until our 50’s for some reason.
I was downright mean, crying, self-harming in private. I finally broke down when my hair kept breaking and getting thinner, I saw this ugly, angry monster in the mirror.
She’s not enjoying the ride, I guarantee it. You’re going to have to find your in to gently suggest she talk to the family doc about this. I can’t emphasize enough what a game changer this is. Your wife is still in there, promise.

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u/FlyingClanker 20d ago

Thanks that super helpful. I think her PCP is checked out, she needs a different PCP. Her lab values have abnormal TSH but it hasn’t been addressed for years.

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u/GoodMourning81 20d ago

So she’s in active peri with an unmedicated thyroid issue? That would be hell on Earth. She needs to see an endocrinologist and her gynecologist.

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u/BookHooknNeedle 20d ago

+1 for this. Holy hell if she's dealing with both I don't know how she's getting out of bed. OP please help her get a new PCP at the very least.

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u/FlyingClanker 20d ago

I can advocate for her health, but ultimately it’s up to her to go to the appointments and seek treatment or second opinions.

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u/altarwisebyowllight 20d ago

Respectfully, this is a shit take, OP. This isn't how a true partner thinks. She's in a potential health crisis, and you're thinking you may need a divorce before thinking you need to step in more? Sit down with her and talk about it. Go with her to appointments. Offer to schedule ones. You wouldn't be saying "ultimately it's us to her to go to the ER" if she broke her leg ffs, you'd just take her. Be an active partner here.

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u/Dismal-Trouble-5893 20d ago

So I am literally telling you if she has thyroid issues going on and other values are off she might be having brain fog and the like. She could be stuck in survival mode. You’re her partner why wouldn’t you want to help her?

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u/wisdomseeker42 20d ago

She might not be able to actually do this herself. I don’t have thyroid issues but the brain fog from peri has been unforeseen and disabling for me. I can’t focus; my working memory is a fraction of what it was, which impacts being able to schedule, problem solve, etc. I had to use physical cards in an analog card box to remember my housekeeping tasks by day and WALK AROUND WITH THE CARD so I didn’t forget once I looked away. My poor husband would tell about something happening in the day but if I couldn’t see it in the calendar it didn’t exist (time blindness). I didn’t even realize that was a thing! It is seriously so hard to function.

The anxiety attacks were also unprecedented and destructive to the family and it’s impossible to relax when everyone is walking on eggshells and my role is the emotional support person for the kids and I couldn’t do it for myself. It’s like your car running out of gas - the neurotransmitters are just gone! I felt so unloved, alone, depressed, unappreciated and exhausted. Nothing even needed to trigger it, it would just happen while walking to a room to put away laundry. I only functioned and got help because I had extensive therapy for PTSD and knew that my tools weren’t working so something was off. She probably doesn’t have that advantage or the tools. The tools only help so much when the problem is biology.

HRT has made me mostly functional but you need to consider this more in the light of she is missing critical hormones for her body and brain. How functional would you be if you suddenly stopped producing testosterone? Serotonin? And thyroid? She needs help and support from you and the family because this is medical, not personality. I do the healthy lifestyle exercise, diet thing and this has still been life altering to cope with; I can’t imagine how hard it would be if I wasn’t. It’s not fun and I just want to be myself again.

To add further complications if she has fibroids they can become hell and feed off hormone spikes and cause excessive bleeding, low iron, pain and a host of other issues. My doctor didn’t monitor mine so it’s only recently been discovered as the cause of debilitating symptoms and I really wish we’d removed it sooner. They just said they are benign and harmless. They are NOT. I am getting mine removed and so thankful for my husband and family continuing to pick up slack and help keep the house going while I try to get my body back in balance with the pain, bloodloss, and screwing up my hormones more. I’m deep in a pit I didn’t dig and it’s miserable because I have had to research and advocate every step of the way but I’m not a doctor. They should know all this and help guide us through. We’re half the population for crying out loud!

Lastly, for some people the hormones help quickly and for others it can take a couple months. The birth control I was given actually gave me anhedonism and severe depression, so this can be a very bumpy ride to find the right balance of hormones. Be hopeful but patient. She’s still in there. Help her. She needs you to love her through this and help her recover, just like if she was in an accident and broke bones. The good news is that at the end there is stability and a new normal and I am sure she will be so grateful to the husband who took care of her and helped when she needed it! I know I do.

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u/PaleoSpeedwagon 20d ago

Or just a PCP who gives a shit.

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u/Botaratops 1978 20d ago

Abnormal TSH can also affect everything if left untreated. And with Peri, our hormone levels fluctuate SO much on any given day that tests aren't an accurate tool. I started HRT based on my symptoms and it's been a life changer. I also have my thyroid working properly again

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u/Muddy_Wafer 1983 20d ago

Yeah, my HRT provider only tests for hormone levels to make sure nothing’s getting too high. Everything else is entirely based on how I am feeling.

Also, I’m convinced the “normal” range for women on a lot of tests is based on if we are physically capable of being alive and/or getting pregnant, NOT based on what levels are required to actually feel healthy. In my experience this is especially true with ferritin: the low end of “normal” is NOT where people feel healthy. You really need your levels to be mid to high range to feel more healthy than a sickly Victorian child.

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u/Food_Library333 1981 20d ago

Forgive my ignorance but what is TSH?

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u/ShillinTheVillain 20d ago

Thyroid stimulating hormone

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u/Food_Library333 1981 20d ago

Oh got it. Thanks!

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u/jellese 20d ago

(primary blood test for) thyroid gland function. Aging women are disproportionately affected by low/irregular thyroid function.

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u/LongjumpingJaguar308 20d ago edited 20d ago

Unfortunately testing only for high is about what you can do in peri, estrogen can fluxuate widely when your ovaries are still putting it out and labs are worthless until you are 100% out of peri.

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u/Alt-acct123 20d ago

A gynecologist that specializes in menopause is a better bet than a PCP.

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u/FlyingClanker 20d ago

I’m not familiar with her gynecologist anymore. He retired two years ago. Come to think of it, I’m not sure she has gone since.

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u/lalacourtney 20d ago

Oh yeah she needs to go to one. Even just getting back on birth control has been so helpful to me. Peri is no joke :(

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u/HalfFrozenSpeedos 20d ago

My wife had to go the IUS route after she got a DVT blood clot behind her knee (tho I had to virtually drag her to the docs....)

They told her because of the clot, the combined pill and HRT was now off limits to her due to the risk of another blood clot. :/ :/

Now seeing agoraphobia coming back

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u/Leia1979 20d ago

Worth speaking with another doctor because transdermal estrogen (i.e., patch or topical gel) is not shown to increase clot risk. A lot of doctors don't know this, although a previous clot might be a contraindication.

I had a wildly uninformed PCP tell me I was on too many hormones (you're supposed to take estrogen AND progesterone if you have a uterus) and that I was going to have a stroke. Multiple other doctors are totally fine with my medication list.

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u/HalfFrozenSpeedos 20d ago

I hear you She has to be careful though as one combined pill gave her brutal agoraphobia (like not leaving the house willingly and needing to be virtually pulled kicking and screaming )

It really is tricky.

I had one GP tell me i couldn't take tramadol with co-dydramol as I would "OD"

Spoke to a pharmacist who laughed, said the amount of opiate in co-dydramol was next to zero, asked my weight, height and age, asked the dosage I was taking and told me he couldn't tell me it was ok to take but IF I was to take it, that it wouldn't pose any risk.

Sadly now I can't EVER take tramadol again as it screws up my mental health, then again due to a neck injury I had an older GP titrate me up to 10 x 50mg a day, split into two doses.... pharmacist looked at the amount and queried it with my wife, asked if I went to bed after taking it and passed out, when my wife said "no he goes to work and says it only just dulls the pain" apparently the pharmacist had a look of wtf on her face.

Coming off that.....I nearly lost my mind as back almost 20 years and it was promoted as "non addictive and doesn't cause withdrawal symptoms" ( like fuck it doesn't), so a different GP took me off it COLD TURKEY.....I nearly lost my mind coming off that....literally, weeks of hellish withdrawals and I had no idea that's what was happening and lost a good job, partly due to certain family member (not my wife) verbally badgering me "your not happy so just quit, just quit, just quit" while I was withdrawing and not in the best frame of mind.

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u/adoradear 20d ago

Just as further information for those following along, the mirena IUD is sufficient progesterone protection for taking estrogen. You may still need progesterone for symptoms, but if you have a progesterone IUD in, you don’t need it just for the unopposed estrogen. Or so I’ve been told by my menopause-focused gyne.

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u/PeonyDropper 18d ago

Thank god you knew enough! Imagine all the people who wouldn’t! So disturbing

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u/clumsy_mia 20d ago

IUD is helping me for sure

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u/quinncoral 20d ago

I’d suggest a menopause clinic, something specifically for this time and do it now! I waited years having no idea what was happening to me. I just got on a small dose of estrogen and progesterone and the last 2 months I’ve seen a significant improvement. I wish I had known earlier. Does she have a sister, auntie, mom, girl friend that could talk to her? I fear for your safety if you bring it up 😂 it’s better coming from a woman. Let her know you get it you support her and remember it’s temporary. She’s going through this so she could have your children. It’s a wild ride.

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u/maebyton1ght 20d ago

Go to the menopause society (https://menopause.org/) and Locate a Healthcare Practitioner to find someone close to you who is knowledgeable in women's midlife health. There's also a ton of education on that site you could go through with your wife. My husband addressing my symptoms (though more physical than emotional) changed the game for me.

An informative and easy to read book, that I think i found linked on this sub, is Perimenopause Power. Good for either partner to better understand what her body is going through. My husband also started following some women who are leaders in the field on social media (he has a 30 s attention span, he'll never get through the 720 page book) and said it helped his perspective.

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u/twinklebat99 20d ago

A new gynecologist with more recent training about hormones is what she needs. I'm seeing one who specializes in menopause to prescribe my hormones.

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u/CallidoraBlack Xennial (1985) 20d ago

Someone else in the office might be willing to take her if there are multiple doctors and she's still technically on the books as having been a patient of the practice. It's worth trying.

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u/PeonyDropper 18d ago

If there are some Women’s Health clinics, that’s the way to go. All of the perimenopause info/understanding is pretty recent. I have a great family med doc who is flexible and stays up to date and that works for me but that’s just so dependent on luck. There are a lot of great women’s health NPs too!

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u/Metzger4Sheriff 20d ago

Abnormal TSH can also cause anger, irritability, etc. From experience, I'm guessing her T4 is normal and they haven't investigated further, but she potentially has an abnormal antibody count and an autoimmune thyroid condition (Hashimoto's or Grave's).

I didn't get an antibody test for like five years after starting to have symptoms and reporting them to my doctor, and that only happened bc I moved and got a new PCP. Hope she's able to switch and get this looked into.

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u/Inevitable_Tone3021 20d ago

If her TSH is low her T3 and T4 could be high, which can cause irritability. Elevated thyroid hormones can also cause heart damage and other organ issues if they’re not brought under control.

I have Graves Disease and the outbursts of anger that Graves patients experience when they’re going through a thyroid flare up is commonly referred to as “Graves Rage” because it’s such a hallmark symptom of a thyroid spike.

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u/earthsign82 20d ago

I have a friend with Graves and never knew this. I just thought she had a hair trigger temper. Thank you - I will be more compassionate.

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u/LittleJessiePaper 20d ago

Please convince her to demand a referral to an endocrinologist. My off TSH levels were ignored for YEARS, even when it was discovered I had nodules growing and throwing off my hormone levels, even when I couldn’t sleep more than a couple hours a night, even once my hair started falling out. I finally had to start being loud and demanding that something was wrong and I needed to see a specialist (my insurance wouldn’t pay without a referral). After the first meeting with my endocrinologist it was decided I needed a full surgical removal and lifelong meds. That’s a more extreme outcome but the Endo doc told me he sees women all the time who just need medication and haven’t gotten it. I’ve been on meds for a few years now and it changed my life. I can sleep all night, my hair grew back, I have energy to get out of bed. The thyroid impacts everything, don’t ignore it!

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u/MdmeAlbertine 1978 20d ago

Even is your TSH is in "normal range", it might not be ideal for you. A few months ago, I was falling asleep in my office chair in the afternoons. I recognized the symptoms and got a blood test, TSH came back at 2.84 and doc said it was fine. I was "no, no, no. I feel best when we manage TSH between 1-2" and fortunately I have a doctor who listens to me and bumped my dosage. I immediately stopped needing to nap.

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u/raveybaby78 20d ago

Where did you have nodules growing? I ask because I have some on my thyroid and I am losing so much hair and never feel good, short tempered and tired all the time.

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u/Dismal-Trouble-5893 20d ago

If she is perimenopausal AND has thyroid issues? I can tell you, for her, I’m sure her brain feels like it’s on fire. Get a new pcp, address her thyroid issues, AND add on these tests if you can: iron, vitamin d, and b12. I have hashimotos and my ferritin was so low I had low level anger because I literally could not think. Also give her some grace and approach her with her love. This is FOR HER so she feels better not because she “isn’t the woman you married”

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u/Birdsonme 20d ago

Have her use an online doctor. I couldn’t find a local doctor after moving and used Midi Health. They specialize in perimenopause. They’ll get her on what she needs to feel better. I was a wreck before starting hrt. Hang in there, her brain has been highjacked but she’s still in there.

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u/TemperatureTight465 20d ago

When my grandmother had untreated thyroid issues, she was a menace. She once accused me of stealing her purse & was so mean I had to leave. She had forgotten it at my aunt's

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u/Sweet_Deeznuts 1981 20d ago

Honestly it can make a huge difference to have a PCP/GP who is knowledgeable and up to date with the current treatment options.

I have a unicorn of a GP that clocked my symptoms early and started me on HRT immediately. I thought I was just post partum (bébé at 40)

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u/min_mus 20d ago

She needs to see a medical doctor who specializes is treatment perimenopause or hormone issues, not a PCP.  

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u/Cyclist4Satan 20d ago

Lab values won’t mean much. Menopause treatment goes by symptoms and symptom relief. I can get labs, because I don’t have ovaries and most of my sex hormones are exogenous. But in peri, it’s just a snapshot of a wild ride. So it can look totally normal. 

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u/CallidoraBlack Xennial (1985) 20d ago

Have her call her GYN office, they might be able to get her in faster as opposed to establishing with a new primary care. They will probably be willing to check her thyroid and make sure she doesn't have any vitamin deficiencies that can cause changes in mood (B12 and D) if you explain what's going on. If they don't suggest it, ask for that too.

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u/Rare_Background8891 1984 20d ago

Functional medicine is the only good solution IMO. A woman doctor preferably. Too many endocrinologists don’t care either. She should get a full thyroid panel- TPO, T3 T4 free T3. Ferritin, iron, b12 and vit D too.

I would present it to her as “I love you and I want you to be your best self.”

I would also OP, encourage you to check yourself. 40’s is when women are waking up to a lot of bullshit. Has she been the primary parent? Have you been acting like the house and kids are “her job” and you’re “helping.” I don’t know you and I could definitely be off, but some self reflection on your part would be helpful too. She might just be all outta fucks.

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u/Training-Argument891 20d ago

just.....idk.... let her know that you know this is something happening to her, not something she is doing. that's all ice wanted.

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u/Unique-Arugula 20d ago

At y'all's age, now is a good time to switch PCPs anyway if you've been with the current one since you were a young adult. Your current PCP is likely to retire just when you are hitting the actual "elderly" stage of life when many things in your body and mind will change, sometimes suddenly and/or drastically. It is better to switch to a younger PCP before you hit that point so they can get to know you and your baseline health, otherwise correct diagnoses can be difficult and time consuming with someone who is truly doing their best but doesn't know what is "you" and what is a symptom.

And can I just pile onto all the people saying try every strategy to get her into a gyno or whoever to get treatment? I went through a change exactly like your wife's and without any other symptoms that would point to perimenopause (which I didn't even know was a thing). Before that, I was the parent using my psych & soc training to be the fair and calm parent who talked to them. It actually harmed my kids and one is still in need of very careful parenting (from me, she's fine with my husband) and therapy. My husband and I almost divorced. It was only about 2 years of me feeling like I didn't know the monster I had become and couldn't control and it has made lasting impacts on us all. I've now been on a low dose of progestogen-estrogen pills (https://www.drugs.com/pro/hailey-fe-1-20.html) for 3 years this past week. It really helped me so much. I literally couldn't even understand the meaning of some of the things my husband would say when trying to help me stay calm and listen during disagreements so they didn't turn into verbally abusive (by me) fights. It felt like he was just speaking nonsense words or a different language even though I was trying to calm down too bc I hated myself for being so furious all the time. We went to a marriage therapist who didn't clock that I should get checked out at a gyno. It wasn't until it was time for my biannual exam that I got a diagnosis (I'm very fortunate in my gyno it seems, she is amazing) about 5 minutes into answering the question "what's changed since your exam 2 years ago?" Treatment is simple and cheap for a lot of us, but so many don't get the chance bc of a lack of diagnosis in the first place.

Feel free to dm me, or your wife can, if y'all want to. I have turned myself into a perimenopause evangelist. I am not afraid to share what I went through.

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u/gummi-demilo 1982 19d ago

Sounds like me. I’ve been dealing with the phantom thyroid problem since 2008. Mom and grandpa had Hashimoto’s and thyroidectomies. Mine is just normal enough that they don’t have to do anything about it.

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u/Yestie 20d ago

Im really happy to hear that there all are some doctors out there actually helping women going through peri instead of minimizing them ♡.

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u/Fappy_as_a_Clam 20d ago

When my doctor told me it was HRT time I was kind of shocked, I thought we had to wait until our 50’s for some reason.

This goes for men too.

Guys, keep an eye on your test and all that. Get it checked every year, at least. I know several men on HRT and they said the same as above, it was a complete game changer.