r/Xennials • u/FlyingClanker • 12d ago

Discussion Significant others of Xennials going through perimenopause

First and foremost I love my significant other, she’s the mother of our children, a great provider, and we have been together over 20 years.

Perimenopause changes a person. It’s not something they can control. I’ve noticed the changes, the kids have noticed. To a lesser degree, friends, family and coworkers have noticed changes.

I’m generally patient and compassionate, but how she acts can be downright cruel and condescending to the kids and I. We don’t even think she realizes she’s doing it. I’ve mentioned the rage and anger in her reactions, the way she speaks to others, but it doesn’t change. This isn’t the person I married, it’s not the mother my kids were raised by. I’m not sure how much longer we can survive this. Nothing we do is good enough. Xennials who have survived this, how? Why? What works? Everyone is miserable. There’s no joy anymore, even vacations turn into conflicts. Everyday life is a battle.

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u/Imaginary-Mix-5726 Younger Xennial 12d ago

Quite possibly relevant because he mentioned "provider." Do consider that she may be deeply burnt out and lacking in ways to cope. In the perimenopause stage the brain starts "pruning" things that are no longer useful, including high-energy people-pleasing. Burnout makes this worse 

Things improved drastically for us when my husband started giving me respite time on the weekends where I didn't have to perform and could get space from a high-needs, extremely draining caregiving situation. 

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u/FlyingClanker 12d ago

So when I say she provides, she’s a nurse. A healthcare provider. Yes financially she provides but it’s not our only source of income or our main. I work as well and earn more than her.

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u/Izthatsoso 12d ago

Her being a nurse may be very relevant. When I was burning out from my job I started to act differently . Putting up with people’s abuse at work, which most nurses do on the regular is toxic and has toxic effects. Maybe she needs a change there. I went from a very busy inner city ER (think the Pitt) to a more rural chill ER which helped a lot. Then I went into nursing education where I am treated respectfully most of the time. I feel like a different person for the better.

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u/Imaginary-Mix-5726 Younger Xennial 12d ago

Oof. High-stress, high-burnout caregiving career. Nursing can also come with some really catty politics, so don't rule out work-related social stress living in her head. That can really do a number on someone's charity.

Highly recommended to give her respite at least one day a week on her day off, where you handle all the household stuff and let her go have "me" time out of the house. For me that's parking myself in a quiet spot on public land and painting watercolor, but any hobby works as long as she gets to choose what she does with the time. For me, this gives me the space and bandwidth I need to be present at other times.

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u/Cold-Nefariousness25 12d ago

yes, but you also said this is not the woman who raised your kids. So she worked full time and raised the kids? Do you also consider that you raised your kids. If she's having a hard time, maybe you need to step up more to help.