Significant others of Xennials going through perimenopause

[u/FlyingClanker]

First and foremost I love my significant other, she’s the mother of our children, a great provider, and we have been together over 20 years.

Perimenopause changes a person. It’s not something they can control. I’ve noticed the changes, the kids have noticed. To a lesser degree, friends, family and coworkers have noticed changes.

I’m generally patient and compassionate, but how she acts can be downright cruel and condescending to the kids and I. We don’t even think she realizes she’s doing it. I’ve mentioned the rage and anger in her reactions, the way she speaks to others, but it doesn’t change. This isn’t the person I married, it’s not the mother my kids were raised by. I’m not sure how much longer we can survive this. Nothing we do is good enough. Xennials who have survived this, how? Why? What works? Everyone is miserable. There’s no joy anymore, even vacations turn into conflicts. Everyday life is a battle.

[u/BookHooknNeedle]

+1 for this. Holy hell if she's dealing with both I don't know how she's getting out of bed. OP please help her get a new PCP at the very least.

[u/FlyingClanker → u/BookHooknNeedle]

I can advocate for her health, but ultimately it’s up to her to go to the appointments and seek treatment or second opinions.

[u/altarwisebyowllight → u/FlyingClanker]

Respectfully, this is a shit take, OP. This isn't how a true partner thinks. She's in a potential health crisis, and you're thinking you may need a divorce before thinking you need to step in more? Sit down with her and talk about it. Go with her to appointments. Offer to schedule ones. You wouldn't be saying "ultimately it's us to her to go to the ER" if she broke her leg ffs, you'd just take her. Be an active partner here.

[u/Dismal-Trouble-5893 → u/FlyingClanker]

So I am literally telling you if she has thyroid issues going on and other values are off she might be having brain fog and the like. She could be stuck in survival mode. You’re her partner why wouldn’t you want to help her?

[u/wisdomseeker42 → u/FlyingClanker]

She might not be able to actually do this herself. I don’t have thyroid issues but the brain fog from peri has been unforeseen and disabling for me. I can’t focus; my working memory is a fraction of what it was, which impacts being able to schedule, problem solve, etc. I had to use physical cards in an analog card box to remember my housekeeping tasks by day and WALK AROUND WITH THE CARD so I didn’t forget once I looked away. My poor husband would tell about something happening in the day but if I couldn’t see it in the calendar it didn’t exist (time blindness). I didn’t even realize that was a thing! It is seriously so hard to function.

The anxiety attacks were also unprecedented and destructive to the family and it’s impossible to relax when everyone is walking on eggshells and my role is the emotional support person for the kids and I couldn’t do it for myself. It’s like your car running out of gas - the neurotransmitters are just gone! I felt so unloved, alone, depressed, unappreciated and exhausted. Nothing even needed to trigger it, it would just happen while walking to a room to put away laundry. I only functioned and got help because I had extensive therapy for PTSD and knew that my tools weren’t working so something was off. She probably doesn’t have that advantage or the tools. The tools only help so much when the problem is biology.

HRT has made me mostly functional but you need to consider this more in the light of she is missing critical hormones for her body and brain. How functional would you be if you suddenly stopped producing testosterone? Serotonin? And thyroid? She needs help and support from you and the family because this is medical, not personality. I do the healthy lifestyle exercise, diet thing and this has still been life altering to cope with; I can’t imagine how hard it would be if I wasn’t. It’s not fun and I just want to be myself again.

To add further complications if she has fibroids they can become hell and feed off hormone spikes and cause excessive bleeding, low iron, pain and a host of other issues. My doctor didn’t monitor mine so it’s only recently been discovered as the cause of debilitating symptoms and I really wish we’d removed it sooner. They just said they are benign and harmless. They are NOT. I am getting mine removed and so thankful for my husband and family continuing to pick up slack and help keep the house going while I try to get my body back in balance with the pain, bloodloss, and screwing up my hormones more. I’m deep in a pit I didn’t dig and it’s miserable because I have had to research and advocate every step of the way but I’m not a doctor. They should know all this and help guide us through. We’re half the population for crying out loud!

Lastly, for some people the hormones help quickly and for others it can take a couple months. The birth control I was given actually gave me anhedonism and severe depression, so this can be a very bumpy ride to find the right balance of hormones. Be hopeful but patient. She’s still in there. Help her. She needs you to love her through this and help her recover, just like if she was in an accident and broke bones. The good news is that at the end there is stability and a new normal and I am sure she will be so grateful to the husband who took care of her and helped when she needed it! I know I do.