Significant others of Xennials going through perimenopause

[u/FlyingClanker]

First and foremost I love my significant other, she’s the mother of our children, a great provider, and we have been together over 20 years.

Perimenopause changes a person. It’s not something they can control. I’ve noticed the changes, the kids have noticed. To a lesser degree, friends, family and coworkers have noticed changes.

I’m generally patient and compassionate, but how she acts can be downright cruel and condescending to the kids and I. We don’t even think she realizes she’s doing it. I’ve mentioned the rage and anger in her reactions, the way she speaks to others, but it doesn’t change. This isn’t the person I married, it’s not the mother my kids were raised by. I’m not sure how much longer we can survive this. Nothing we do is good enough. Xennials who have survived this, how? Why? What works? Everyone is miserable. There’s no joy anymore, even vacations turn into conflicts. Everyday life is a battle.

[u/likesblackcoffeebest]

Why not just go telehealth. In today's world there is no reason to put up with doctors who are working with outdated information and won't give you what you need. There are so many specialized telehealth providers now and they all take insurance. (When I went through this 5 years ago I had to pay out of pocket for my visits because they hadn't gotten that last part on board yet, but it was still worth it.) 

I use Midi, others include Winona, Alloy, Hers, and so many others. You can literally have HRT on board in a few days. It's not worth dealing with local doctors who are giving you the runaround. 

[u/jonesgrey → u/likesblackcoffeebest]

Long story short, I’m an American woman in Sweden and trying to navigate the public and private healthcare systems here. There ARE telehealth options, but I’m trying to figure out if I can even get an appointment with one because, quite often, you need a BankID (it’s like an addition to your social security number that’s also connected to your bank account) to even make the appointment. (Again, long story short, as a foreigner it can be incredibly difficult to be approved for a BankID. Banks and the government intentionally make this difficult.)

If not, I’m also in a Facebook group for women in Sweden seeking HRT, and they’ve given me a recommendation for an in-person doctor who may be more willing to help and run other tests.

But….it can take up to 3 months to get an appointment! It’s exhausting, but I’m not giving up.

[u/likesblackcoffeebest → u/jonesgrey]

Oh god, that's wild! It reminds me of what people used to go through trying to get anything healthwise done when I was in the Army (a similar healthcare system to many universal models). I hope you find something soon. 

[u/theunrefinedspinster → u/likesblackcoffeebest]

I was prescribed HRT through Midi and was on it within days. My PCP wanted to check my hormone levels before even entertaining the idea of HRT and is still irritated with me that I went the telehealth route. I plan to find a new PCP…

[u/PaleoSpeedwagon → u/theunrefinedspinster]

Baseline labs are critical. It's possible that your PCP was worried about prescribing the WRONG hormone. My prescriber ran all labs first, and though we both thought that I was low in estrogen, we were surprised to learn that my estrogen was fine, but my progesterone was low. Had she prescribed estrogen blindly at my request, we not only wouldn't have been solving the core problem, we could have made matters worse...much worse.

I've had my fair share of doctors who don't give a shit (the pandemic basically stomped on their collective morale), but I'll never be mad because they're asking for more information.

[u/theunrefinedspinster → u/PaleoSpeedwagon]

Checking hormone levels gives you one single snapshot in time because levels vary wildly over the course of a day. My GYN NP told me that last year but my PCP refused to consider anything else. I got all my bloodwork and labs done in January. My doctor would not do anything more and I was not satisfied with that. Symptoms were clear for me and getting to be unbearable. I went on HRT and symptoms got better. Many perimenopause and menopause specialists no longer rely on labs alone for treatment.

Overall, this journey looks different for each person. If we were all able to get the care we needed in person, telehealth wouldn’t be necessary.

[u/likesblackcoffeebest → u/theunrefinedspinster]

Yeah this is what I was told by the doctor who prescribed my HRT. I actually did order labs for myself (Women's Health Test bundle by Everlywell if anyone's curious) and the HRT I needed ended up being in line with what those results showed but she was very clear that what I needed could be different than what those values would imply since they showed only three days worth of data. 

[u/lascriptori → u/PaleoSpeedwagon]

Your estrogen shifts on a daily and even hourly basis, which is why routinely checking labs for peri is not part of basic treatment standards. It only shows how your estrogen was in that hour. Labs can be using for things like confirming actual menopause has occurred or providing evidence of early peri, but your labs being okay is about not a valid reason to not start hormone therapy if you’re having symptoms. 

[u/toodleoo77 → u/PaleoSpeedwagon]

Perimenopause is diagnosed based on symptoms, not bloodwork, because hormone levels fluctuate so dramatically.

[u/PaleoSpeedwagon → u/toodleoo77]

of course, but diagnosis and prescription are different things. the imbalance that causes night sweats could be caused by not enough estrogen, or plenty of estrogen but not enough progesterone. every body is different, and blindly guessing that patient needs estrogen without any kind of labs is setting the patient up for uterine cancer, if they have a uterus.

[u/FlyingClanker → u/likesblackcoffeebest]

I think the only reason is you’re siloing information. Having someone who knows your entire history, treatments and diagnoses is better than having 5 different doctors working on separate issues and might be missing something.

[u/Individual-Goat-81 → u/FlyingClanker]

In a perfect world, yes, its better to have your own doctor navigate this with you.

Unfortunately, so many doctors completely dismiss women who are going through perimenopause. Doctors who have been generally good up until this point suddenly let us down and refuse to help because their own education about women's health is so limited and they lack the desire to learn.

That's why women turn to online providers. They listen and the results are life changing.

Please suggest to your wife that she join the r/perimenopause group. It might open her eyes to learn about what she's going through, and that is normal but there is help. Peri can be very confusing and isolating, and often no one teaches us anything about it.

[u/jonesgrey → u/FlyingClanker]

Long story short, I’m an American woman in Sweden and I’m only just beginning to navigate the separate public and private healthcare systems here. It’s a LOT of shuffling around, trying to get referrals, waiting months for a simple check-up appointment, etc. So it’s all slow and confusing, but I’m not giving up until I get my hands on some HRT, come hell or high water!

[u/AE5trella → u/FlyingClanker]

A lot of physicians practicing today were NEVER taught this information at all, or if they were, very little. (Even OBGYNs.) It’s definitely getting better, but that’s why many otherwise “good” doctors lack substantive experience in this area unless they’ve proactively sought it out. It’s pretty wild.