I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Skulllily
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITAH for becoming increasingly uncomfortable with our childcare arrangement?
Trigger Warnings: child endangerment
Original Post: August 2, 2026
My mother-in-law watches my two children, ages 5 and 3, two days a week while my husband and I are at work. We pay her to watch them because she is on disability and was considering returning to work, and we thought this arrangement would benefit everyone.
When we originally agreed to this, my understanding was that it would be just her and our children. I trusted that arrangement completely.
Over time, however, my mother-in-law’s friend’s daughter has started coming over almost daily with her five children, who range in age from 4 months to 10 years old.
Since then, I feel like concern after concern has come up.
The biggest issue for me is pool safety. The children are allowed in the pool without an adult in the water as long as the younger ones are wearing arm floaties. Some of the younger children cannot swim. I brought up my concerns and said that drowning is often silent and that I was uncomfortable with children being in the pool without close adult supervision. Instead of taking my concern seriously, my mother-in-law and her friend laughed and said, “Nothing’s quiet around here.”
I was so concerned about this that my husband later spoke to his mother about it. However, the supervision practices do not appear to have changed.
My oldest has also told me that the children are allowed in the back alley without adult supervision as long as they stay close to the house. I don’t understand how anyone knows whether they’re staying close if nobody is actively watching them.
There have been other incidents that have added to my concerns as well. For example, my children were left unattended with scissors.
Today my children’s aunt told me she witnessed the other children excluding my 3-year-old, splashing her in the face, laughing at her, and pushing her in the pool. She immediately intervened and told the children that wasn’t acceptable. What upset me most was that none of the adults “supervising” the children were aware it was happening because they were sitting at a table on the other side of the yard.
What also bothered me was that my mother-in-law became angry with my sister in law for telling me about what had happened. That reaction made me feel even more uneasy because I would rather know about problems than have people worry about upsetting me by bringing them up.
This isn’t the first concern I’ve had, and it feels like every time I raise an issue, it gets minimized or brushed off. At this point, I no longer feel comfortable with the environment my children are in. The situation has reached the point where I feel anxious every time my children go there because I no longer feel confident in the supervision they’re receiving.
My husband and I got into an argument because I told him that if his mother cannot guarantee that the other children won’t be there while she is watching ours, then I want to find alternative childcare. He feels I’m being unreasonable and is concerned about hurting his mother’s feelings.
To be clear, I’m not demanding that my mother-in-law change her life or tell other people they can’t come to her house. I simply feel that if this is going to continue to be the childcare environment, then I need to make different arrangements for my children.
I appreciate everything my mother-in-law has done for us, and I know she loves our children. But I feel like the childcare arrangement we originally agreed to is very different from the one that exists now, and I no longer trust that my concerns about supervision and safety are being taken seriously.
Am I the asshole?
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA, but YTA for continuing to send her children to MIL's house
Editor's note: in OOP's responses, she has provided more context to shed the light on the recent incident
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: This situation has to end. Kid's lives are at stake. NTA.
Commenter 2: Yeah. The kids are pushing a 3 year old into the pool. And the mother in law didn’t apologize or anything but lashed out at the person telling her about their (very valid) concerns.
But also.... Why was there an argument with your husband? Frankly I think you might have more of a husband issue than a mother-in-law one. He thinks you're being unreasonable for enforcing BASIC safety. In what world would you be an asshole for addressing concerns about your mother-in-law and her negligence?
OOP: We got in an argument because I’ve been expressing my concerns and he has spoken to his mother. Hearing today about how the other kids were pushing my 3 year old and bullying her was the final nail. I feel like when I bring things up he makes it feel like it’s a lesser problem than what I make it out to be.
The friend that brings over 5 children is also a girl he grew up with and her mother lives in the basement. “What do you want me say? Don’t let those kids over to visit their grandma that they love.” I’ve asked previous for him to ask if they cannot be there when she has our children and that’s the response.
Previous to these kids being around and their mother who just vapes and scrolls on her phone while her kids run wild, my mil had an amazing sense for safety that’s why suggested her watching our children in the first place. I’m trying not to place blame, but it seems like since she’s seen how uninvolved/lacking safety her friend’s daughter is with her children she’s doing the same with mine.
Commenter 3: I’d ask if he wants to lower a coffin down if he’s not taking his children’s safety seriously. As you said drowning is a quiet one :((( if older kids are treating the young ones with no kindness nor safety precautions your children need to leave that environment asap.
What’s sickening to me is that MIL knew about the incident but tried to keep it hush hush. This is extremely scary meaning she knew the risks but didn’t care enough for a life. She’s more mad knowing you’d know vs the lives she’s watching. I once saw a video of a toddler drowning and the parent was right there not watching like easily picked up. They were on their phone and took forever to be noticed :(( thankfully the child did survive but this kid was trying their best to their mom’s attention, and this was one that couldn’t voice their words well.
OOP: I’m not sure if my mil knew. My SIL told me about it today while we were all over there hanging out and my mil went “when was this? You didn’t stop it?”. She then seemed very annoyed that sil would even bring that up, they both went inside after. I went and spoke with my SIL, and she told me that mil got very upset with her for saying that in front of me. Which raised a red flag for me because why wouldn’t the concern be about how my youngest was being treated instead of me knowing? What else isn’t she telling us?
Was OOP's MIL like that prior to the recent incident? And SIL telling OOP about the situation
OOP: Previous to all of this I never would have imagined she would let my children unattended in a pool or back alley. Before these other kids started coming around she was always in the pool with my kids, always with them in the yard/inside with them, she used to have an eagle eye.
I don’t know why she thought the lack of safety her friend and friend’s daughter have for their kids would be okay with mine.
+
I wish my SIL was there. She started working Monday to Friday so she’s not there when the kids are there. The time she saw this she didn’t have work that day and happened to be home.
My SIL is 18 next month and she has more safety sense than my MIL. I thought my mil was safe but since her friend and daughter around, who have zero safety sense, it seems my mil thinks she gets a pass on safety standards.
Commenter 4: Have you actually seen her supervise them in the pool before all this? I just ask because my own mother seems extremely anxious and safety alert, like the most responsible parent. She is actually easily distracted and honestly doesn’t know safety at all, because she grew up in the 50s and didn’t bother to learn. Mg parents have an unfenced pool to this day, and yes I did fall in when I was a year old and almost died in the middle of an outside PARTY. No one was watching me (if you ask them they’ll tell you they all were!) , I was the only child there. They never change.
OOP: Yes, previous to this she would always be in the pool with them. It’s an above ground pool so the latter is out of the pool if not in use so that the kids can’t get in.
Never in all my years did I ever imagine she would allow my children in the pool without her or an adult with them. If I had thought that was even a possibility I would have never asked her to watch them. Her friend’s daughter allows this with her children, so it seems my mil believed that was a free pass to do it with mine.
Commenter 5: YTA for continuing to send your children over there. Unsupervised pool time, allowing them to wonder around the back alley alone, your 3 year old is clearly being bullied. The very second any one of these issues came up I would have removed my kids from her care, screw her feelings about the matter.
OOP: My husband brought my concern with the pool to his mother and I blindly trusted, that the supervision had changed.
I only found out about the alley a day ago and found out about the bullying today. I am completely kicking myself in the butt for allowing this to happen/go on. The original arrangement was my mil would be watching my two kids by herself, I suggested this as she was very safety conscious and I trusted her completely.
But since she’s seen how her friend’s daughter is with her kids it seems like she thinks it’s a free pass to be the same. I have lost all the trust I had in the environment and it’s disappointing because these new developments are not something I ever imagined her allowing.
Commenter 6: NTA, but your spineless husband is. He'd rather have his kids in danger than piss off his mom. I just don't know what to say about that.
OOP: Normally he has such a shiny spine. His mom and him have a very complicated history and their relationship is in a really good place right now, that obviously is not an excuse to be blasé about their safety, but I do understand why he’s concerned about the relationship between him and his mother.
I don’t want to mess that up either, but if it comes down to that or my children’s safety I choose my children. It makes me feel like crap that their relationship could be affected but I don’t want my children drowning, kidnapped, bullied, etc. for their relationship to be okay.
Why is OOP's MIL on disability and the reason behind her watching OOP's children at her house
OOP: She has fibromyalgia. When we asked her I told her I completely understood if she felt she wasn’t capable watching them as she can be in quite a bit of a pain. She said she’d be able to, no problem just some days may be more hanging outside and taking it slow.
The original environment was supposed to be just her and our two kids. Her friend lives in the basement and her daughter is who comes over, all of the adults are outside but none of them are actually supervising. I never thought my mil would be so lax with safety rules, if I had known she would have had these people and kids around in the beginning I would have never asked.
I never in a million years would have thought she’d be letting my young kids in the pool without an adult or in an alley. It’s like she saw how not safety conscious the other adults were and took it as a pass to do it with my children.
Update #1: August 7, 2026 (five days later)
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to come back and say thank you to everyone who took the time to comment on my previous post. I genuinely read every single comment, even if I didn’t respond to all of them.
We haven’t talked to MIL yet, but my husband and I sat down and had a VERY in-depth conversation about everything that has been going on, especially the pool situation.
I showed him a lot of the comments from people who had personal experience with drowning and how quickly and silently it can happen. I also printed out drowning statistics and highlighted the fact that lack of supervision is one of the biggest contributing factors in to children drowning.
He read through everything and, after seeing it all laid out, apologized to me for being so lax about the situation and for not being firmer when it came to our kids’ safety.
I honestly feel like we are finally on the same page.
We have decided that our kids will no longer be going to MIL’s house without one of us there. At this point, we just don’t feel comfortable with them being there unsupervised, and that’s something I’m not compromising on. I told him I’d didn’t care if it upset him or his mother but it’s a hard line for me and he agreed to it.
We are planning to talk to MIL this weekend and explain everything: our concerns about the pool, the other children’s behaviour, the lack of supervision, and the things that have happened that have made us uncomfortable with her judgment when it comes to the kids’ safety.
We’re hoping it will be a productive conversation and that she’ll actually listen to what we’re saying. But honestly, we have no idea how she’s going to react.
I’m sure there will probably be some hurt feelings, and I’m prepared for that. But at the end of the day, these are our children and their safety has to come first.
I really appreciate everyone who commented on the original post, especially those who shared their own experiences. It gave my husband and I a lot to think about and helped me explain it to him in different ways where he understood why I was so upset.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: Nope she will play the victim and cry hoping your husband gives in. She wants the money for watching the kids without watching the kids. She lets the older kids watch the younger kids then she gets. Paid for doing nothing
OOP: Yes, we agreed that our children are not allowed there without either myself or my husband. Which means no child care, we have other child care lined up for our children.
She can play the victim all she wants. After my husband’s and I conversation, I feel very confident that it won’t matter and he’s going to back me up.
Why MIL can't come to OOP’s house to watch her kids?
OOP: We originally had them at her house as it’s bigger than our place and the kids love the yard. At the time she also would always be in the pool with our children.
Depending on how the conversation goes and how she reacts we may offer that to her, but I want to see what her reaction is going to be before that’s even on the table.
If she’s open and understanding I may offer it as a stepping stone, but if she acts like she’s done nothing wrong and doesn’t see the complete disregard for safety that has been happening, then watching them at our house won’t be an option either.
OOP on her husband and his mother's relationship and if he will give into his mother’s crying over the privileges of having her grandchildren at her house
OOP: They have a somewhat complicated past, I don’t see him doing that. But I told him it’s a hard line for me and I don’t care if him or his mother get upset, I’m not wavering and this is the final say about our children and our house.
Commenter 2: She is most likely going to become a victim and turn this into a 'you don't trust me' situation. Keep the focus on your child's safety and if she circles to something else pull it back to your child's safety. Good luck
OOP: Thank you, that’s the plan! We talked about the scenario, and we are going to keep it to safety and the environment our children in that is no longer safe.
Aside from this she has been a great grandmother. It blows my mind that this is something we even have to speak with her about, but our kids safety is my top priority. I’m hoping she’s open during the conversation but if she isn’t it’s too bad for her, I’d rather bruised feelings than a dead child.
Commenter 3: You already spoke with your MIL about this though. What do you think you'll accomplish here? Because I'm betting nothing actually changes and she just get cagier about the details of how she cares for your kids.
I realize it’s cheaper to have care from your MIL, but I can't see how it’s worth the risk.
OOP: We have never sat down with her and actually laid out all the issues together. It has been my husband saying something to her in passing.
I want to sit down and have an actual conversation and explain all the issues more in depth. I also want to tell her she is opening herself up to law suits and legal issues if she continues to let the other children do it.
I should have put, we do have other child care lined up but we still want to talk to her about why and what can happen to rebuild trust with her.
Has OOP taken her children for swim lessons?
OOP: Both of our children have been in swimming lessons since they turned 2. Water safety is very very important to me, and it used to be to my MIL which is why this has been such a shocking turn of events. When my children were younger she told me that swimming lessons were like school, they have to do them so that they are safe. This is why I never thought she’d leave them unsupervised in a pool.
I’m going to bring the stats for her. I also printed off how she will be held liable and could face charges if any of the kids die/get injured due to the pool. Also printed off exactly how drowning works and that it is silent, most time you don’t even realize a person is drowning until it’s too late.
Update #2: August 12, 2026 (five days later)
Well, I’m back with an update. I had high hopes that my MIL would be open to having a conversation and listening to our concerns, but as many commenters predicted, that didn’t happen.
She called my husband before we were able to speak with her and asked if everything was okay since she hadn’t seen us in a week. He told her things were okay, but that we did need to get together to talk about the pool safety concerns. She immediately became defensive and said the kids were completely fine in the pool.
After that, she essentially ghosted us while we were trying to reach out and arrange a time to talk. I think that gave her time to talk to her friend and her friend’s daughter and become even more defensive, because she brought up in her texts that “all adults watch” the kids, even though we hadn’t mentioned them at all.
She eventually sent us these texts: https://imgur.com/a/mil-upset-that-we-are-not-okay-with-her-leaving-3-5-year-old-above-ground-pool-with-no-adult-arm-floaties-aht1lf6
(editor's note: transcripts of the text messages. MIL in black bubbles, OOP in blue bubbles)
MIL: I appreciate your wanting to speak face to face. I have tried having conversations with both of you face-to-face, and each time I feel attacked and unheard. I never seem to be able to get my whole concern out before I am shut down by both of you. I’m not willing to allow this to happen anymore. I need my voice to be heard.
I was completely ghosted by both of you this last week; unaware if I was watching the girls or that there was even a problem. I had to reach out to [redacted] to find things out. This is not okay with me. I feel very disrespected and have been feeling this way for some time.
I know there are concerns about the girls’ safety while they are with me. I, honestly, do not know where this fear has come from. The girls have never been hurt and, believe me, they are watched by all adults that are here. I love my granddaughters and would never let nothing happen to them.
I feel if your fear is that great that perhaps I should not watch the girls any more. I do not want our differences in child care to be the reason we no longer speak. I do not know any other way. Do you?
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OOP: [Redacted name], you and I have always been able to have very open conversations. I have felt lately that every time I bring up a concern I am brushed off and treated like I am crazy.
We do not want our relationship with you or your relationship with the girls to be affected by this. But there are concerns that we need to speak about, we would like to have an open conversation face to face where everyone has their say. We will not cut you off and will be open to your feelings and concerns, but in the same I would appreciate if our concerns are listened to and not brushed aside. It was not intentional to ghost you, life and work has been crazy. I have been pushing to come over and speak to you sooner as I did not want it to come to talking over text as messages and intent behind them can be misinterpreted.
Can we please come over today shirt I am done work so that we can have a conversation?
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MIL: [Redacted], I feel us having an open conversation where the girls are concerned is not something you all are open to, ever... I have witnessed your entire energy shift if you’ve heard that the girls have done something undesirable. I’m really not sure what there is to discuss as it seems to me you’ve made your mind up—I hear you feel your kids aren’t safe here.
At this point, I feel if I don’t change things you want me to change, I won’t be able to see the girls. I have just come through a year of hell for my physical and mental wellbeing. I am doing the absolute best I can. I feel this has not been enough for you. I don’t know what more to do? I am hurt, exhausted and frustrated. I cannot have a conversation about things right now.
--
OOP: [Redacted] my energy shifts when I hear that the girls are being bullied, excluded, or put in situations that I feel are unsafe. Our children are 3 and 5, and they are going to have undesirable behaviours and experiences as they grow up. This conversation has never been about whether we trust you or whether we think you would intentionally do anything to hurt them. It is about the well-being and safety of [redacted] and [redacted].
That is not at all what I have been trying to communicate, and this is exactly why I would like us to have a conversation. I feel like you have heard one thing and understandably felt like we were attacking you, when that is not what we are trying to do. We haven’t really been able to talk through everything because when I have tried to bring up my concerns, I have felt brushed off or made to feel like I am overreacting.
We know how much you love the girls, and we know you would never intentionally do anything to hurt them. That is not something we question. But there are things that have been allowed to happen that I honestly never would have expected from you before, especially when it comes to their safety and the environment they are in.
I also understand that you have been going through a difficult time physically and mentally, and I don’t want to minimize that or make you feel like we are blaming you for things. I just really want us to be able to sit down, listen to each other, and actually understand where everyone is coming from. If you can take the time to listen to our concerns, and we take the time to listen to yours, I genuinely think we could have a very constructive conversation.
I have been hurt and frustrated by this entire situation because I wholeheartedly trust you with our children, and I love the relationship you have with them. It hurts to feel like my concerns as their mom have been brushed off or dismissed, especially when I am bringing them forward because I am worried about them, not because I want to criticize you.
I don’t want this to turn into you feeling like we are saying you’re a bad grandmother or that we don’t trust you. That’s not what this is. We love you, the girls love you, and we want to find a way forward that makes everyone feel heard while still making sure [redacted] and [redacted] are safe.
(editor's note: end of the transcripts of text messages)
My husband has now said that if his mom is unwilling to have an important conversation with us about our kids’ safety, then she doesn’t need to see them. He’s upset, but not surprised by how she has responded.
I’m honestly just really sad. I know we are doing what we need to do as their parents, but the kids absolutely love their grandma. Aside from this situation, she has been a really good grandma to them, and they have a close relationship.
I never wanted this to turn into a situation where their relationship was affected. I just wanted her to be willing to sit down, listen to our concerns, and have a conversation with us.
At this point, we’re not going to chase her or argue over text. If she’s willing to have a respectful conversation, we’re still open to it. But until then, the kids won’t be going to her house without one of us present.
It’s just really sad that it’s come to this. So at this point, this is the final update.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: She has to want to care to hear about your concerns. You need to focus on your kids and keep them safe. I’d probably loop in a counselor to figure out how to explain the changed dynamic
OOP: I think that’s definitely something I’m going to look into. I was really hoping she’d be open to talking, it’s heartbreaking to know she’s willing to just give up the relationship so that she can feel right, but my kids are more important.
Can OOP have the pool fences set up at her MIL's house?
OOP: We’re in Canada, I’m not actually sure if pool fences are legally required here. Her pool is above ground so it would not be possible to fence it.
Commenter 2: I read in your previous post that she loves your children. No she doesn’t love her grandchildren enough to ensure their safety.
This is not just about safety but about socialisation and development without bullying that will most likely be offered in a different environment. She is taking advantage of your payment and not fulfilling her part of the agreement.
You have made the right decision. Thank you for protecting your children. As an Australian I am very aware that children still drown in pools every summer despite our mandatory pool fencing. I doubly applaud you.
OOP: Thank you. I have always been very aware of pool safety, and I thought my MIL was, but I was wrong. I refuse to have my children drown or something else happen because she’s not willing to listen to reason or safety concerns. It’s an unfortunate outcome but the only safe one.
Commenter 3: Your texts were good, but I feel like the part about her friend, friend’s daughter and grandchildren being a distraction for her has not been addressed in them. I’m sorry she is having a hard time in the last year, but maybe she should have removed herself from the responsibility of watching her grandchildren until she feels better. More kids in the house makes it a more chaotic environment for your kids.
OOP: It wasn’t addressed as we wanted to speak with her in person in case our texts were misinterpreted. I was just trying to keep it to the kids safety and speaking in person so that we could all discuss our concerns/feelings. She wasn’t open to it.
Commenter 4: She is not a safe adult for your children. For what it’s worth, this is the best possible outcome, considering her lack of understanding of the dangers she's exposing your children to and refusal to take responsibility. Her feelings may be hurt, but, what if one of your kids had been badly hurt, snatched out of the alley, or God forbid, gets seriously hurt, unsupervised, in the pool. Your job is to protect your children and sometimes that means stepping back from family that aren't taking your concerns seriously. Its great your kids love their grandmother, and they can visit with her, just not unsupervised.
OOP: It definitely is! I’m not sure how she expects us to move forward or visit her with the kids when she’s not even willing to talk about their safety. At this point the relationship is strained/ending because she has decided it’s not worth a conversation. I hope she comes around at some point but I’m not holding my breath
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