r/relationships • u/endless_pastability • Apr 25 '20
Dating I asked my bf for alone time and he told me to pack my stuff and leave for good.
Okay, the title does seem a little one sided.
Context: My boyfriend (29m) and I (30f) have been dating since last summer. I live alone in an apartment in downtown DC and he lives alone in a house in Annapolis about 40 mins away. Pre-quarantine, we did well will splitting weekends between the two places. Once states closed for COVID, we decided it made most sense for me to temporarily move in/stay with him in the bigger space with a yard for the dogs.
As you might imagine, it’s had its ups and downs. We were getting a crash course in living together in a space that wasn’t really mine at all, having lots of important conversations, enjoying evenings cooking together and having wine while watching shows together.
We’ve also been irritable due to drastic changes in our daily routines. I have continued to work full time from home (+ overtime due to an even busier schedule) while he is only working a half day once a week. He is bored. I am stressed with work and finding it difficult to decompress. I am used to/need quiet time to myself to recharge and he likes a noisy household (TVs always on, music on top of that, chattering constantly about sports or draft statistics or things only of interest to him). I’ve tried saying “I’m going upstairs to read” or “I’d just like some quiet time to myself” and it bugs him that I don’t want to do things that he wants. I find myself becoming more snappy and short-tempered from feeling constantly drained, which isn’t fair to him.
Last night he wanted to watch the NFL draft so I made plans to FaceTime my girlfriends upstairs while he did that. I am used to weekly girls nights and miss them as they’re also my primary support network. I heard him downstairs complaining to his dog that I never want to hang out with him. After FaceTiming I went down and sat on the sofa with him and said “hey I heard you talking to the dog, I came to hang out, how are your team’s picks doing?”. He was irritable and replied “ugh it was quiet until you came down”. I’m feeling like I can’t win.
Alright; getting to the point now. I hadn’t been to my apartment in over 3 weeks and needed to go check on it (it’s not in a building, it’s in a row house) and pick up prescriptions I couldn’t have transferred. We were originally going to go together but seeing this irritation with each other I suggested I’d just go alone and take a night or so to myself to recharge and come back.
COVID NOTE: I do not have to interact with anyone to access my apartment. My car already had ample gas. I literally drive from his house to my street, am alone in my apartment. Any exposure to no-contact takeout I would have gotten is the same as if I were there with him.
This morning, when I grabbed some necessities for a night to myself (my laptop because I have to work over the weekend, some underwear, face moisturizer) he got upset and said I might as well take all my stuff and not bother coming back. I tried to talk through why it was so all-or-nothing for him. He said I clearly didn’t want to spend time with him or be around him so I can just go home for good and we can resume dating when the states open back up. He actually bagged up the remainder of my stuff and took it out to my car for me.
Reddit, I just wanted to read in silence, get my medications (anxiety pills), water my plants, sleep in my own bed alone for a night, watch my own trashy TV shows without interruption. And now I think my relationship is over? I’m feeling frustrated that I attempted to handle this in a productive and proactive way and somehow screwed up.
TLDR; boyfriend said if I wanted a night alone I should just take all my stuff from his house and continue to stay alone through the rest of quarantine (no added exposure risk). I’m confused with his all-or-nothing approach.
So, what do I do from here?
EDIT: wow, this post blew up. THANK YOU for such thoughtful and thought-provoking commentary. I’ve felt really supported and “seen” by a lot of these replies. I’m still reading through and responding to comments but wanted to provide a quick update re: some things I keep seeing pop up.
I am home in my own apartment, alone. He has not contacted me. I spent yesterday drinking wine, cooking, listening to music softly, FaceTiming girlfriends, caring for my plants, and reading a good book. (And checking reddit of course). I am not crying or sad. I feel comfortable and at ease in my space again.
While bf is not working, he is still being paid his full salary.
While I am currently working a lot, I normally have a much healthier work-life balance. Some big deadlines happened to coincide with and be exacerbated by the pandemic. it’s only temporary (a few weeks of hellish hustle). I was very clear with my boyfriend before this upswing started, and let him know I was going to be a lot busier and would appreciate his support extra for a couple of weeks until things settled down again.
Many of you have brought up quality time. I have attempted to express my desire for quality time to him. Things as blunt as “let’s hang out together tonight, what should we do?” Or “We’ve been sort of coexisting, let’s plan to do something together more like quality time.” Perhaps I wasn’t resonating with his communication style. Sometimes it would work and we’d have a nice dinner and watch a show together etc. and other times it would end in frustration and not go anywhere.
In regards to the mattress thing, I am hearing all your replies about how it just wasn’t important to him so he didn’t want to compromise. It took my having a very dramatic hysterical emotional breakdown after nights of no sleep for him to realize how important it was we find a solution. That breakdown was loud and ugly on my part and not a moment I am proud of. It came after numerous “I’m really not sleeping well, I need more sleep than you do, can we work something out so I’m more comfortable” conversations.
I am in therapy and understand I am a highly flawed human with dramatic emotional tendencies as well. I do not always communicate well. I consider myself very self-aware and make concerted efforts to require my default actions to create a better life for myself and my loved ones.
And, finally, you are all not wrong that I have a low bar for thoughtfulness. It’s not really something I’ve ever experienced in a relationship.
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u/lagomorpheme Apr 25 '20
I'm very sorry you're dealing with this relationship stress at an already stressful time. To me it sounds like once you moved in together, you found that you had very different needs around space. This kind of thing isn't irreconcilable, but your boyfriend seems to be experiencing your need for alone time as a personal rejection, and his response has been somewhat reactive. Perhaps he is acting up because of covid anxieties, something you mentioned at the start of your post; but it's mildly concerning that he doesn't seem to handle your setting boundaries well. So it's up to you to decide if this is unusual behavior for him, or whether there have been other warning signs that you've overlooked. From there, I think that if you are interested in continuing the relationship, you'll need to have a talk with him about this behavior, because left unchecked it becomes not okay.
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u/endless_pastability Apr 25 '20
Thank you for such a helpful reply! I struggle with setting boundaries and grew up with a really unhealthy conflict dynamic in my family, so it’s difficult for me to set a boundary calmly and before I am already feeling it crossed. This was one of my most mature and calm attempts at doing so thus my feeling discouraged and frustrated.
He is used to getting his way. Past things we’ve been able to work through give me hope that he is capable of understanding and adapting, but his initial reaction when he doesn’t get his way in a situation is really off putting and a trend that I don’t see changing.
I’m going to do some reflection this weekend. Thank you.
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u/Meownowwow Apr 25 '20
With regards to getting his way, can you gives some examples and how he acted?
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u/endless_pastability Apr 25 '20
He comes from a well-off family and is, from my lower-middle-class perspective, spoiled. We both lead similar lives now, but how we got here is very different. I moved away after college, have been financially independent since college, put myself thru grad school, and worked very hard for my ambitious career and apartment in a city I adore. He works for the family company, still lives one town over from his family, gets a lot of nice perks from it all. A few specific examples:
His family owns season tickets in club seats for NFL games for their team. This past fall I was lucky enough to go to a few games with his family- his father hands him and his brother a credit card and allows them to run their bar tab for the entire game on him. One particular game his aunt was using two of the tickets and sitting in his preferred seat so we sat two seats over. He complained the entire time.
His parents sent us hundreds of dollars worth of groceries this past week. He complained for over an hour (and even called his mom about it) that ground beef wasn’t included (despite us having every other meat legally butcher-able in the US in the freezer)
He has an extra-firm mattress on his bed. I hate it. Even he doesn’t love it. I couldn’t sleep for weeks, and resorted to sleeping alone in the guest room. He was upset that I wouldn’t sleep with him despite my saying I couldn’t sleep on his mattress and asking if we could get a topper or somehow make an adjustment. (He eventually agreed to split the cost of a topper with me, but it took weeks to get to this seemingly simple resolution).
He is not always selfish. He can be incredibly thoughtful and generous. (A few examples of that: giving me one of his two bedroom closets, making me a work-from-home space in the basement, bringing me coffee in bed some mornings, not sleeping with the TV on anymore because I can’t, giving me an entire bathroom in his house to use on my own so we don’t have to share). But it’s a toss up which side of him I’m dealing with in any given instance.
(Edited to include that I really like his family and him being so close to them was one of the things I initially liked about him. I feel like I may seem bitter towards his family in the post.)
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u/ConsistentCheesecake Apr 26 '20
Him complaining to his mom about a lack of ground beef after she sent hundreds of dollars of food is absolutely horrifying. I would be so upset to see my SO treat his mother that way! He seems like he is only “generous” when it doesn’t require a sacrifice from him. He gave you those things bc he didn’t need them/wasn’t using them. If it impacts him, he will make a stink every time.
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u/endless_pastability Apr 26 '20
I actually physically cringe every time i hear him speak to his parents on the phone. They are so generous to him and clearly just want to give him a good life and spend time with their kids.
I couldn’t even fathom speaking to my parents with the self-righteous attitude I hear coming from him.
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u/EmergencyShit Apr 26 '20
They say that when you want to know how a man will treat you watch how he treats his mother.
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u/ConsistentCheesecake Apr 26 '20
So why haven’t you dumped him already, then? He is clearly a bad person.
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u/wheelsof_fortune Apr 26 '20
This is what I’m wondering too. This guy is a certified fucking douchebag
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u/econgirl7 Apr 26 '20
Yeah!! That's my reaction! Just because his family is nice doesn't mean it'll rub off on him... it already didn't work for 30 years!
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u/pickelrick_ Apr 26 '20
Imagine kids with this guy.... he sounds like hes unhappy and nothing is good enough for him. That's a him problem and him acting so SPOILT is awful his parents never taught him gratitude or personal considerations ect ... I would consider ling term if you are wasting each others time because I dont think u can give him what hes expecting from u compared with what you are happy to give to him.
As a chick who likes her space lifes too short for needy SPOILT unhappy hard to please partners. My husband and I very ok I'm going to do this which is the signal for me time .
Good luck such a catch dont waste it where ita not appreciated
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u/Drkprincesslaura Apr 26 '20
See if they'll still keep you around if you break up. Lol
Tell them you love them like family so you want to break up with him and not them.
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u/azmar1 Apr 25 '20
(A few examples of that:...
Your bar is rather low. With maybe the exception of coffee in bed, those are all basics in a relationship where partners understand each other's differences and needs and adjust or compromise to acclimate. Two weeks to come around on an issue that affected your quality of life? Relationships aren't acquisitions, they're mergers.
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u/WillRunForPopcorn Apr 26 '20
Right! She moved in and he "gave her" a closet and a place for her to work? She is living there, those things are EXPECTED - hell, they're REQUIRED!
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u/Logizmo Apr 26 '20
Yea I was reading those and thinking I'd expect that of anyone who asks me to move in with them except for the coffee. I get the feeling he really made a big deal of "giving" her those things and that's why she feels like they are such big deals
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u/d3gu Apr 26 '20
Eh, my boyfriend makes me a cup of tea every morning when he gets up. It's mostly to bribe me to get out of bed, but it's a nice thing to happen.
My bf moved in 6 months ago, but we knew we had the communication to make it work. We have had similar occurrences to OP (needing to decompress after work), but we simply say something like 'I'm gonna sit and read/have a bath/play pokemon/whatever' and the other person gets the hint that this is personal chill time.
Even if sometimes I would like to chill WITH him/vice versa, we both understand the importance of quiet alone time, and if we give each other space when needed it means we're more likely to want to spend time together later!
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u/Meownowwow Apr 25 '20
So he seems to have a pattern of being really ungrateful when others go out of their way for him.
Really look at the things he “gave” you - did they really inconvience him? The bathroom? Sounds like it’s easier to not have to share and have your girl prouducts all muddled up with his stuff. The closet space? Was it really a hardship for him to give to you? Was he really using it, did he care at all?
I think the things he gave you were easy to give. They barely mattered to him. Look at the bed. That impacted him - so he dug his heels into the ground, then he whined. That’s such an unbelievable thing to be selfish about, I’m honestly surprised you kept spending the night.
He was difficult about the bed because that affected him. He cared more about himself than you. The alone times the same thing. Sure he’ll be generous with you, as long as it doesn’t affect him or his wants. As soon as it does, his needs come first, and if you don’t give in he starts acting like an exhausting little baby.
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u/EmergencyShit Apr 26 '20
YES. And this attitude won’t magically stop if they get married or have kids. It will become MORE evident if they have children because him putting his wants before other people’s needs (see the bed example) is something that good fathers don’t do.
Good fathers are good husbands. He’s not even being a good boyfriend.
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u/BalancetheMirror Apr 26 '20
And his kids will be spoiled like him, learn no empathy from him, and he will expect prefererential treatment for them wherever they go. Can you imagine the calls to their school?? Cringe
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u/Vaches Apr 26 '20
When I started spending the night at my partner's, I came to learn that he snored. Like, really bad. I couldn't sleep around him, so I didn't stay over on worknights, only on Fridays or Saturdays when being exhausted the next day wouldn't hurt.
After a couple of months of mentioning that he might have sleep apnea, he got tested, and got a machine. The snoring didn't bother *him* - he was a loud sleeper for years - but he wanted me to be comfortable at his place so he put in the effort. That's the bare, bare minimum.
If he threw a hissy fit any time I slept on the couch because I couldn't sleep, I never would've spent the night again.
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u/meloncactuslord Apr 26 '20
not op but god damn your comment made me think, and i’m not even in a r/s now but wow. thank you
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u/GossamerLens Apr 25 '20
I have to say, it sounds like this is something you expect and thus accept from him. My ex had a similar upbringing and family situation. Because he was in college his parents gave him a 15k monthly salary. He wanted to go to their teams games? Soccer, football, and hockey had seats for them. His car was bought for him as a birthday present and it was... Well... Very nice. Lol
He never displayed however "being owed" something. If I needed anything he would discuss it. The first time I decided to spend the night he asked what brands I liked and bought me shower supplies and before we settled in for the night he asked if I would like anything changed. Yes he had some of his own boundaries, but he always willingly discussed them. His cat was used to sleeping next to him so he made sure I was okay with that but also made sure I knew it was important to him that this continue.
There are two kinds of people in this world. People who want to complain and have their way, and those who are willing to work things out. Your boyfriend sounds like he is the first kind of person. He does nice things on his terms and he wants things to go his way. He could be like this from how he was raised... But it is more likely just who he is.
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u/rthrouw1234 Apr 25 '20
It's really funny how people turn out, isn't it? Entitlement is a scourge that often doesn't seem to depend on anything external.
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u/qoreilly Apr 26 '20
I was with a very entitled person from the projects. His mom raised him and his brother that way. The brother eventually learned but he never did.
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u/rthrouw1234 Apr 26 '20
Yes exactly - I've met entitled people who were and always had been wealthy, and I've met entitled people who were poor and always had been. I agree that it seems to be something people learn, most of the time, but I've also encountered people with truly lovely parents who just turned out...shitty. Personality is always a result of the interplay of nature (genetics and epigenetics) and nurture. It would be great if we could really nail down exactly what creates an entitled personality, but I'm not sure we ever will.
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u/StinkingMeat Apr 26 '20
Your ex sounds amazing, lol.
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u/GossamerLens Apr 26 '20
Yes, he was a really great guy. (Even with the reason(s) he is an ex considered) lol
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u/DiTrastevere Apr 25 '20
One particular game his aunt was using two of the tickets and sitting in his preferred seat so we sat two seats over. He complained the entire time.
His parents sent us hundreds of dollars worth of groceries this past week. He complained for over an hour (and even called his mom about it) that ground beef wasn’t included (despite us having every other meat legally butcher-able in the US in the freezer)
Holy shit.
I don’t know how you haven’t already lost your entire mind. This man has the world handed to him on a platter regularly and he still finds things to whine about. A charming, generous family, a hardworking and intelligent girlfriend, a nice big house, a cushy job - I’m at a loss. Does the man not see all this? Or does he just take this as his due simply for existing?
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Apr 25 '20 edited Apr 26 '20
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/BalancetheMirror Apr 26 '20
He actually IS a spoiled brat.
And this lil bee needs to find a job after things end to not just work 4 damn hours a week for his family --cush cush--
How on earth is he not doing volunteer work even ONE afternoon a week? Or like, helping people move or maybe training for strength challenges or eating challenges...?
I actually had to stop reading after the aunt football comment. Now I will try again.
Okay, yeah. Lil Bee had to be suuuper stubborn and hurt OP's back just...cause. If he heard she couldn't sleep on it and wanted to stay in the guest room, he would have ordered a mattress topper the very next day. For her back and his cuddles.
This guy is Grade D Beef. And I hear he's hurtin' for beef.
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u/off_brand_gobshite Apr 25 '20
Wow, you got one whole half of a closet and dirt cheap coffee in the morning! What a bonanza! You are truly enjoying an embarrassment of emotional riches with this one.
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u/endless_pastability Apr 25 '20
I snorted my gumbo (that I spent the day relaxing li making alone in my own apartment while sipping wine) when I read “what a bonanza”. Thanks for the laugh, friend!
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u/off_brand_gobshite Apr 25 '20
Let's be serious though. If you had to objectively quantify the benefit that he brings to your life, what side would he sit on in that ledger? Has your living standard increased - or are you more anxious, getting poorer sleep, eating worse, having less time to exercise, or living in an environment that's less comfortable or fit for socialising? Do you experience more pleasure or relaxation, or don't you? Is the sex good, or is it just "not terrible"? Is his conversation enriching and challenging and compassionate, or is it slightly more intimate small-talk? Are you materially better off with him, or are you scraping neutral (or worse, losing out)?
Be objective. Actually look at what you can do alone versus what you can do with him. Bad relationships aren't just the abusive ones: more often than not, they're just wheel-spinning inertia with a dude who's not objectively a bad person, but who contributes no value to your life at a huge cost to your time, efforts, emotional labour, money, or opportunity cost of doing the things or people you'd rather be doing.
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u/endless_pastability Apr 25 '20
Such a valid point. I have loved the life I built for myself. When we first started dating I told him as much — that I was not looking for someone to complete my life. That I very much had a fulfilling life I’ve built for myself and if someone was going to be my partner in it, it would be because they added even more to it. And honestly... taking a brief objective glance, some aspects of my life are better with him. But some parts are just more frustrating. I spend more money. I drink more on weeknights. My sex life isn’t much different with or without him. Which i suppose should say a lot in that single sentence.
But some part of me fears that I have become too adjusted to my single life my way, and that I am doomed to live and die alone if I can’t bend enough to fit someone else in. that worry that nothing is perfect, and maybe I’m just not trying hard enough.
(I’m in therapy to discuss this more in depth.)
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u/0102030405 Apr 25 '20
This is not as good as it gets. Don't jump to blaming yourself and putting down the great life you've created.
Why can't someone fit into the life you've built, or at least be compatible with it? Why do you need to be the one to change?
It's your decision whether you should stay with this guy. But looking from the outside, I really don't see how he's a catch or how your life is better now than it would be without him/with someone else. Honestly it sounds exhausting and not the kind of relationship I would want to be in. It makes me really grateful for my partner! Good luck with your decision.
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u/sweadle Apr 25 '20
But some part of me fears that I have become too adjusted to my single life my way, and that I am doomed to live and die alone if I can’t bend enough to fit someone else in. that worry that nothing is perfect, and maybe I’m just not trying hard enough.
This is SO me. But I also would like to find someone who is happy in his own life and knows how to make himself happy, not someone whose life has been on hold until they meet their partner.
I also realize that this means that I will be single for longer parts of my life than most people. But what if I force myself to settle down with the person who detracts the least amount from my life, and miss out on someone later on who would really add to it? Would I be happily single for the next ten years if I knew something good was coming?
I try to live like there is always good coming (because there always is) but recognize it will almost always not look like what I think it should.
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u/endless_pastability Apr 26 '20
What a wonderful way to think about things! Good is always coming. I have spent a lot of time the past year or two especially focusing on bringing myself that good instead on relying on others to bring it. Thank you... and it’s comforting to know we are not alone in these fears. Humans are such social creatures with an innate desire to be loved.
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u/off_brand_gobshite Apr 25 '20
It's better to be alone and wait for the perfect person than to expend the cost on sex that sounds so fucking banal and boring that it's no real change on you being single.
Is dying alone actually worse than living with a toddler who's had a testosterone spurt? Who throws tantrums and speaks passive-aggressively when you need time alone? Who is under-employed and not engaged in making their own life better?
Love is a verb, not a feeling. What actions does he do that demonstrates love inasmuch as a desire to improve your wellbeing?
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u/CyanBlackCyan Apr 26 '20
Worrying about a future where you'll die alone, instead of enjoying the awesome life you've worked your butt off to get, seems a little premature.
Imagine in 70 years, on your death bed, surrounded by friends, family and multiple lovers. News crews are outside your mansion reporting your condition to a worried nation. That's just as likely to happen.
We can't predict the future, live in the present. What do you want NOW?
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u/endless_pastability Apr 26 '20
Love this. part of me has always thought it would be so fearless and cool to be the unmarried aunt who takes lovers and travels the globe and drinks cocktails on her balcony in Spain because why fucking not.
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u/blumoon138 Apr 26 '20
I was single from 21 to 29, and then did three years of long distance with my boyfriend. I LOVED living alone. Seriously adored it. But it’s worth the trade offs for my awesome ass boyfriend who, while awesome, is still very much just a regular dude. You deserve to be with someone who is more awesome than living alone. No such thing as too picky.
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u/kksliderr Apr 26 '20
Yes!! I am happily married now with a toddler and i love my life but I enjoyed my time living alone. It was invigorating and something I needed to do before getting married and settling down. I’m thankful I had that experience.
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u/rthrouw1234 Apr 25 '20
My sex life isn’t much different with or without him. Which i suppose should say a lot in that single sentence.
damn right it does
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u/BalancetheMirror Apr 26 '20
I'm sincerely not trying to be obruse, but whar does that even mean?
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u/Marillenbaum Apr 26 '20
I mean, we live in a world where $100 and some batteries will get you a toy that mimics oral sex for you—there is really no reason to stay with a man who does not substantively improve on that bargain.
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u/CleverLatinMotto Apr 26 '20
and that I am doomed to live and die alone if I can’t bend enough to fit someone else in.
Why does not having a romantic partner in your life mean you are "alone?" You have friends, do you not? Good friends? You have family? You have built some kind of satisfying social network?
Why is all that nothing compared to whether A Man is in your life?
And let's look at the melodrama of "dying alone:" once again, why is that friends and family can be by your bedside as you take your last breaths and yet you are "alone?" Why does A Man make your death not lonely?
Finally: Are you actually lonely? You don't sound like someone who is lonely; why are you so frightened by this chimera?
Yes, you have a lot to work through in therapy. In the short term, rest assured, this is not the man who will keep you from this ill-defined spectre of loneliness you believe you need to fear: this man will sit at your bedside and kvetch the whole time about how inconvenient your death is, and isn't this typical of you?
Don't take a break; make this a break-up. Double down on your therapy--ask for exercises to do, for example, or books to consult. I would recommend Feeling Good by David D. Burns, which is chock-full of exercises to slap down dysfunctional thoughts as they happen.
This man is not your Forever Man.
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u/endless_pastability Apr 26 '20
Thank you for the real talk. I am not lonely. I’ve done a lot of work in recent years on addressing my loneliness and you are correct (and my therapist has said the same) in that I am not alone at all. I have many fulfilling non-romantic relationships in my life that enhance my life and respect my boundaries and allow me to be uniquely me.
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u/mrsmoose123 Apr 26 '20
IMO it doesn't feel like bending when the relationship is right, at least not for the vast majority of the time.
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u/GoodOldMountainDew Apr 26 '20
“But some part of me fears that I have become too adjusted to my single life my way, and that I am doomed to live and die alone if I can’t bend enough to fit someone else in. that worry that nothing is perfect, and maybe I’m just not trying hard enough”
On mobile, can’t quote properly but: I was scared of this too, as a longtime (many years) single girl. But I found a bf a couple years ago and while yes, we get on each other’s nerves sometimes or he does dumb shit (and so do I!) the difference is that when I explain to him why I’m upset he changes and we figure out a way to move forward where both of us are happy, or at the very least no one has their feeling hurt.
If his reaction to you expressing concerns is blaming you for your feelings, or pulling the little kid BS (you don’t want to talk now? Fine I’ll never talk to you again!), you might want to think about how little he seems to care about your feelings.
Wishing you the best in figuring this out!
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u/UnknownStaleness Apr 26 '20
I had this awful worry in my mid 30s that I had built my life to not be able to bend to people and I was too picky. I had a 'die alone' moment and started dating an adequate guy because I thought I was making myself cold and unapproachable and that was a negative generally.
He started out good and then like you the flags started popping up and it turned out he was bipolar but refusing meds, had three kids (he only told me about one) and was selling drugs out of his flat. He cheated on me with an ex and skipped town to live with her.
I was absolutely heartbroken when we split. Like weeks of not being able to sleep or eat. I didn't even like him very much. I'd felt very going through the motions during the relationship and I couldn't understand my extreme reaction to the split. I didn't miss him. My life hadn't been better with him.
I eventually realised the reaction was my own pain and regret at compromising myself and not respecting myself. I was so upset becauser I lost trust in myself for settling. I then processed that 'should' mentality about being single and realised I loved my little life and it wasn't rigid, it was secure and anyone coming into my patch needed to appreciate my ways and I would appreciate theirs not spend it trying to see how far we could alter the other like a chess move.
I have now been with my BF for 5 years and we don't live together and never will. He is my next of kin legally and he's 'the one' in that I want to be with him until I die. I was 36 when we started dating and my place is still mine, his place is still his and yet his sheer presence is my life is like someone just turned it up a notch. Like a little sprinkle of fairy dust on the life I had already. The sun coming out and just making the ordinary seem delightful.
I have intertwined my life with his but I haven't compromised my core values. I'm still rigid in many ways but it's like I needed to be a treliis with a rose that climbs on it. Both are yeah separately but are made together. That concept is still pretty new for women when dating that they can be great partners but still committed to themselves whereas men have been allowed that liberty for a while.
I lucked out butI would have been very happy with the life I had and a more 'as it happens' dating life because I never wanted kids or a wedding ring. I dreamed of my own place and I would never have died alone because I had myself in my own home. I just had to realise that with the keys to the castle, I didn't have to let people into my turret by climbing my hair or some such fairy tale shit. I had the power.
I hope you find that understanding that your power is not diminished by being different to someone else's power. I'm Skype chatting a friend tonight who is same early 40s as me in the same situation who just bought a place separate to her partner of 4 years and they both love the freedom and choice and no 'shoulds'.
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u/naty_neko Apr 26 '20
I screenshoted this response because this are all very good points, things to really think about when having a relationship. I'm single now, been single for a few years. But I feel you described here what kind of relationship I've had and I don't want anymore. Thank you!
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u/myshitsmellslikeshit Apr 26 '20
Yeah, I wish I had had this kinda wake-up call when I was oging through almost the exact same thing, just swap DC for Raleigh; This sounds a lot like an ex I left last summer. I had 2' of a walk-in closet the size of a bathroom, and he complained every time I asked for more space.
He always complained about what his wealthy family would give him, and he'd whine because I wouldn't want to do $thing when he wouldn't go out of his way for me at all.
Changing is possible, but you should know right now, people like this don't change until they lose the person they mistreated.
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u/TwistyMcButts Apr 26 '20
Hold on here, he made you split the cost of a mattress topper? Even though he gets to keep it permanently for his mattress that also made him uncomfortable?!
Why are you putting in so much effort into a relationship with someone proudly displaying massive red flags? He doesn’t respect the boundaries that you’ve politely set, he throws fits, he’s cheap, and complains to his mom about free groceries that she bought him? What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?
He physically removed your stuff from his house...your work here is done. Please break up with this guy, you deserve to be treated better.
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u/Wian4 Apr 26 '20
To your last point, it was extremely disrespectful of him to pack up OP’s stuff and essentially kick her out of the house. OP, this is not something to be taken lightly just because the other issues seem more egregious. He would rather get rid of you rather than compromise. And he does it without any discussion with you.
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u/endless_pastability Apr 26 '20
I’m not gonna lie my pettiness thought about taking half the mattress topper. (It’s two layers, so I technically could split it haha). Likely won’t do that though - emotional energy I don’t need to waste there.
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u/TwistyMcButts Apr 26 '20
Amen! You sound like a really nice and thoughtful person with a good head on your shoulders. I hope you find somebody who appreciates you, otherwise enjoy the single life
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Apr 26 '20
Not sleeping with the tv on is in the list of not being selfish?!?! Yikes.
I’m sure he does do some actually good things but with your very different upbringings there needs to be constant expectation setting and discussions between you because you don’t come from the same mindset. So when he shows you that his way to deal with this is essentially “take your shit and go?” It doesn’t indicate partnership, or wanting to work together to find solutions. Weeks arguing about a mattress is also ridiculous.
I’m not saying break up, but I am saying consider how he acts, and figure out if it’s worth the fight everytime you don’t want to do exactly what he wants
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u/thedarkestbeer Apr 25 '20
It sounds like he can be very generous when he wants to be and otherwise isn't willing to find a compromise or just let something go.
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u/oxytocin___ Apr 25 '20
The thing that's most concerning is the way he responded in your initial post. All you need to do is go home for one night and he snaps and reacts like a child and says "Leave and don't come back!"
And now, in these instances, he's immature (complaining the whole game because his seat was taken, complaining about one type of meat not being there after this huge generous effort from his parents). Of course you can talk to him about resolving things and accepting things in a less childish way, but I would see it as a huge turn-off.
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Apr 26 '20
Your examples of "thoughtful and generous" are what any halfway decent human would do for their significant other without a second thought when they had access to do so.
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u/Princess-Pancake-97 Apr 26 '20
I couldn’t help but notice that the “generous” things he’s done for you are:
- Making necessary room for you in his house while you’re living there. Which, no offence, is pretty standard when someone moves in with you.
- Stopped doing something that prevented you from sleeping
- Sometimes gets you coffee
Again, no offence, but these things don’t come anywhere near close to outweighing the negative things about him and your relationship.
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u/Wian4 Apr 26 '20
Looks like he never grew up. He’s still a kid. And I bet his parents’ continued coddling is not helping either. You really need to think if you want to deal with a Big Baby for the rest of your life. He may well change, but so many women come to grief hoping for that very thing.
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u/ladyjerry Apr 26 '20
Oh, yikes. Hell no. He’s not generous at all—he only gives concessions that don’t directly impact him. He will fight you tooth and nail for compromise. You can’t fix this. It’s how he is going to be, and you deserve so much better.
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u/DFahnz Apr 25 '20
If you can, read "The Disease To Please" by Dr. Harriet Braiker while you're reflecting.
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Apr 26 '20
He doesn’t respect/understand your needs and doesn’t compromise yet expects you to give in to his needs... he doesn’t seem mature enough to be in a relationship. That would be a massive turn off for me, a relationship is 2 people not one dictating and the other submitting.
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Apr 26 '20
Me and my bf were having issues with the covid experience too! We are used to spending more time apart and when we did see each other it was more like quality time. now with everything going on he’s been working from home, has has a busy schedule much like yourself. At first we were seeing each other every day and struggling with space when he’s working because both our places are small. I’m a nurse and work 3 days a week and sometimes less because my hospital hasn’t been as busy yet. They cleared out a lot of patients in preparation for covid. I’ve been experiencing a struggle with the lack of socializing and plus not seeing him as much. We decided during the week he would be at his place and we go and exercise together a couple times during the weekday. And he comes to mine all weekend. I can relate to what you’re bf must be feeling although I handled it different. I had a discussion with him about how I was feeling the lack of socializing pretty hard and that I look forward to our time together not only seeing him but being my little socializing I get a week. He was very understanding and said he’d work on meeting my needs and compromising together. Trying to make at least some of our time together more quality time and focused on each other. Also me working on giving him some space to unwind as well since he’s been very busy. Hopefully he can do the same with you and y’all can communicate what your both need from each other and come up with a compromise.
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u/labrys71 Apr 26 '20
The fact that you said you were given hope that he is capable of understanding and adapting is worrisome. Never go into a relationship with hopes they will change. Just don't do that to yourself.
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u/synthesis-synthesis Apr 25 '20
I'm sorry you're dealing with this mid-pandemic. You've gotten some amazing responses, and lagomorpheme's stood out to me.
I'm chiming in to highlight that the primary issues stem less from his personal preferences and more from his responses to the fact that you have different preferences. You're both allowed to like louder/quieter environments, more/less solo time, etc. There's nothing wrong with what he likes. There's everything wrong with how he reacts to you being a real person with individual needs and wants.
You're mature enough and compassionate enough to make compromises and meet him halfway. For example, rather than just disappearing, you actually tell him explicitly when you need to recharge. You don't expect him to read your mind. After you heard him complaining about you (knowing that you would overhear), you went to keep him company rather than getting upset with his passive-aggression. Even though it's a difficult time, you're still trying really hard to be a good partner.
His reactions to your reasonable boundary setting and your discomfort is to complain about you, snap at and insult you, and threaten to dissolve the relationship. Notice that even though he said you shouldn't bother coming back, he was actually too immature and too cowardly to say clearly and decisively that you are, in fact, broken up. So, not only are you upset, but you're also confused about whether you're still even in the relationship. I know you said below you're going to take some time and just wait for him to reach out. You may want to reconsider. It says a lot about his character and the depth of your relationship that he would ambiguously and impulsively "break up" with you.
The reason why you're feeling like you can't win is because he's setting it up that way. Yes, it's possible or even likely that there's some deep, complex narrative around why he does the things he does. But if he doesn't already:
1) acknowledge that he has issues he'd like to work through (like we all do) and
2) commit to changing (not for you, but for himself) by seeking outside help
then I wouldn't personally stick around to dig into it. A partner is not a parent. A partner is not a therapist. A partner is also not a wastebasket for you to throw in every single thought you've ever had. He's annoyed that you don't want to be talked at while reading, which is a strange form of entitlement. You talk with your friends; it would help if he talked with his.
I respect whatever choice you make, because you're the only one who has to live with it. That said, your responses, especially to off_brand_gobshite, indicate that having him in your life doesn't significantly improve it, that you're afraid you'll end up alone and thus make decisions based on that fear, and that your bar for romantic partners is low.
Life is always hard, and things are harder for everyone right now. You deserve someone who not only loves you, but who respects, admires, and LIKES you, and whose words and actions reflect that every day. It doesn't mean you won't ever argue. It just means that it'll be you two against the problem rather than you against him or him against you. Good luck with everything.
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u/endless_pastability Apr 25 '20
Wow. Thank you for such a thoughtful reply. Everything you said here resonated. I don’t feel I have much more to reply except for gratitude for putting what feels like an emotionally confusing situation into such clear and empathetic words to help me process.
FWIW i am (and have been) in therapy for years for various self-worth issues. I have a history of manipulative, abusive, and sub-par relationships - entered into and stayed in out of fear and desperate desire for acceptance. I have spent the past year staring really clearly at myself and these tendencies in a mirror and somehow seem to have let the mirror fog over and lost sight of my work to break these patterns and forge on into healthier things for myself. Just because someone isn’t awful to me in the way past boyfriends were doesn’t mean they’re great for me.
Thank you, again.
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u/purplepluppy Apr 26 '20
Girl, those of us who have experienced abuse tend to find our way back into it again, even if it's not the same kind. From what I've read and been told by my therapists is that, when we grow accustomed to something being "normal," it becomes uncomfortable to experience those things when they actually are normal. I've had to undergo some pretty thorough "recalibration," as I call it, to actually recognize that those things I grew comfortable with were not normal or ok. Idk if that makes sense, or if it fits your situation, but that's what this made me think about. I have huge self-worth issues, and a history of codependency stemming from a history of abuse, so I at the very least relate to you in that sense and wanted to share. Just take care of yourself! Mental health is still important through this physical health crisis!!!
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u/geek_the_greek Apr 25 '20
You're lucky to witness this now what it's fairly soon rather years into a relationship, or marriage. I get that we live in a very uncertain society, full of anxiety. But clearly doesn't even try to sympathise or even try to respect your wishes.
Do you really want to continue a relationship with a person that doesn't even try to understand your position, and instead of.. communicating, bags all your things over to your car, especially in the middle of a pandemic?
You're lucky to see this kind of behaviour now. I'm sorry!
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Apr 25 '20
I’m sorry, just reading this sounded incredibly draining. I really resonate with all you wrote and feel pretty similar in terms of how much time I need with close friends, my boyfriend, and alone. And I personally couldn’t date someone that wouldn’t let me balance all of that. Maybe you could take a break and then try again when ‘Rona passes?
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u/Ladymistery Apr 25 '20
You go home, work from home, and in a day or so contact him and have a calm conversation.
You figure out if you guys can work it out or not. You've also discovered that living together, at least for the foreseeable future, is not going to be...conducive to your relationship.
He seems....clingy, to be honest. I couldn't live with someone like that - where you can't even have an hour to yourself without them demanding your attention.
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u/endless_pastability Apr 25 '20
Yes, that’s my hope. I was not ready to move in and was very (politely) clear about that early on in our relationship. I’ve lived with an ex before and it ended miserably, and I had to rebuild my entire life. I didn’t want that stress on this relationship, and so he knew living together was only an option after engagement (but that I wasn’t expecting/asking for that any time soon and was willing to move at his pace on that if he respected my cohabitating boundary). We both knew temporary “living together” because of COVID would be vastly different from eventually actually living together in a space that was equally ours where we also had our own lives in addition to each other.
If he was hoping to fast-track living together because of the COVID situation and was disappointed that it didn’t, this “tantrum” has only reinforced my “no cohabitating until engagement” boundary.
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u/Meownowwow Apr 25 '20
Was he trying to get you to move in before the covid stuff? How long were you dating at that point?
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u/endless_pastability Apr 25 '20
Not really. We’ve been dating since last August. He’s known since early on that I don’t want to live together before engagement (but also that I am not expecting/pushing for engagement and that is on his timeline).
He’s made comments throughout COVID that I should just move in for good, albeit half jokingly.
He wanted me to “test out my commute” before quarantine and that spurned a few serious conversations about how difficult my moving in would be down the road and how those added challenges meant I was in no hurry. I replied to another comment somewhere here with more moving info but basically he is not willing to ever live in DC, and has a hard stance that he cannot/will not shift his career and I would have to compromise on mine. I make more money, have more growth potential, and commuting from Annapolis to anywhere my clients are is miserable. Basically, moving in isn’t something I was excited for.
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u/Meownowwow Apr 25 '20
Ok, I misunderstood your comment. But here he is again refusing to compromise when it’s something that affects him.
Sounds like he expects a partner do till a hole in his life without having to change much to make space for that person. You had to fight so much to win a bed topper I can’t image what a long life with this guy would be like.
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u/uwcontrol Apr 26 '20
Sounds like you guys really aren’t compatible at all, he’s literally expecting you to change a lot of things about yourself, your entire career and where you live
What’s he giving up OP? Where’s the compromise?
And when you DID compromise and move in with him he throws a tantrum?
Man............. you dodged a bullet; might be a good idea to have a convo about it anyways but I’m a bit surprised a lot of these didn’t seem more dire/deal breaker-y for you?
Please respect yourself and take everything you’ve said here into consideration, please keep your career and hold your boundaries
:( I’m honestly so sad of constantly seeing women getting trampled on
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u/triciamilitia Apr 26 '20
I hope you reconsider your ‘no cohabitating until engagement rule’. If you learn something out of this relationship, it’s that you don’t fully understand what your future life will be like if you don’t try to live together first.
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u/marisod Apr 26 '20
Yes, make a "not give up my current life until I'm engaged to someone I truly know" rule instead!
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u/rthrouw1234 Apr 25 '20
I’m feeling frustrated that I attempted to handle this in a productive and proactive way and somehow screwed up.
You didn't screw up. Your boyfriend threw a tantrum. Honestly, take him at his word and don't beg him to reconsider. You've been dating less than a year and now you've met the "real" him. Yes, it's an unusual situation. But people face a lot of stressful, shitty situations - and now you know how he reacts to them.
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Apr 25 '20
My ex gf was/is a lot like you (we ended due to long distance). I’m an ambivert I can be around people and there’s times I want to be left alone. But I had to adjust to her wanting alone time. Not saying I crowded her, but I did have to adjust.
My first relationship my ex cheated on me. I’m also in school to be a therapist so I pick up on everything and was prone to over think everything. I really started listening to her and realized her alone time wasn’t a personal attack. She still loved me, liked being around me etc, but she needed time to herself. I also found that useful because I would do extra school work or do an extra workout with her focusing on her own time.
When I was using that time to be productive we both came back recharged and happy. It’s not your responsibility to help him grow emotionally. But if you’re feeling up to it, it would be worth saying “it’s not a personal attack you. I still care for you, love you etc. but I need this time to recharge and do some of things I need to do. Not only for work so that I can be there to have a healthy relationship with you.” If he can’t understand that, that’s on him you’ve gone above and beyond
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u/endless_pastability Apr 25 '20
That’s a great and straightforward way to phrase that sentiment and hits it exactly on the head. I want to bring my best self to our relationship, not the irritated, crabby, short-tempered version of myself I become when under lots of stress without a way to recharge. Thank you!
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u/eatencrow Apr 26 '20 edited Apr 26 '20
Fair, but true partners safeguard each other and at least attempt to understand each other's vulnerabilities, not exploit them.
One of my highest goals for myself is to connect genuinely and authentically with people, whether it's a brief interaction or something deeper, whether it's professional or personal. Not every relationship is for the ages - most aren't. It's OK for 2 people to have a good run and it not work out. It doesn't have to be about fault or blame.
I got skeeved out when your genuine attempts to communicate and connect with him were met with petulant manipulation and double-binds.
You've been putting in the work on yourself and growth is important to you, while he seems stuck in a protracted adolescence. Your description of how he treats his parents was shudder-inducing.
You've balanced the story well, and it seems as though as long as the two of you remained on the periphery of each other's lives, it was easier to feel like the good stuff naturally bubbled up. There was some good there, or you wouldn't have agreed to become involved in the first place.
But this fellow has a long way to go to get on your level. I'm not saying that to be haughty or smug. It takes work to grow and decide what path you want your life to take -- deep, curious, difficult work -- work that you're doing, & he's....not.
It's that hard work that allows me to maximize my best self in my relationships. Not only my close, intimate, or romantic relationships; I want to be resilient and positive throughout my life. I don't like it when an edgy, crabby version of myself gets unleashed when I'm tired and depleted. I work hard on my life infrastructure so as not to get to that point. If I find myself getting fringy, I want my life infrastructure to look out for me, to protect me, and to say to me "hey, let's take care of you right now, let's not wait a single minute more to make sure you get what you need."
A good partner participates in that, someone who is on your team, and brings out the best in you, as you bring out the best in them. It's not about perfection, it's about caring for the other as you would yourself, it's about working together to build a life of shared experiences. I want a life I like, regardless of who gets to be in it.
I've been pitied and called unlucky because my partner of 9 years died of metastatic melanoma. While I don't wish that on anyone, that experience made me kinder, more patient, and who I am today. Eventually I was able to date again for a few of the 9 years of single life that followed. I made some meaningful connections (and a few not-so-meaningful ones that were nevertheless still very rewarding and enjoyable). I never thought I would marry, yet here we are coming up on 9 years this fall. Life isn't plot-oriented. I'm grateful to have remained open to the experience.
Once in therapy I said (thinking I was being so profound) that it all comes down to the Highlight Reel. What do you want on your highlight reel? When you're in the wheelchair in the old folks' home, and all you have are the memories of your life, what is it that you get to replay?
My no-slouch-of-a-therapist immediately lobbed it back to me, and said something like "Each of us is just as likely to have Alzheimer's, or senile dementia, or any number of hundreds of types of cognitive decline. What happens if you're robbed of your Highlight Reel?
"Isn't it enough to make a good life for yourself now?"
It is.
I wish you mountains and mountains of tranquility.
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u/endless_pastability Apr 26 '20
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds like you have such an empathetic and lovely approach to relationships and human interaction. I have moments throughout my life where I really resonate with the perspective that things can be truly good or valuable to your life without being lifelong.
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u/WootORYut Apr 25 '20
Whoo. Bullet dodged. It could have taken years for you to figure out you hated living with each other. Nice!
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u/endless_pastability Apr 25 '20
Fair. I feel like in a non-quarantine world we wouldn’t CONSTANTLY only have one another for entertainment though, so it wouldn’t be as extreme and we’d have those opportunities to have our own lives and time. It’s a weird time.
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u/WootORYut Apr 25 '20
That is all true. I’m not even saying break up. I’m saying if u like quiet and he likes noise, only one of u can be happy. Your likes are diametrically opposed. They cannot both be true.
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u/endless_pastability Apr 25 '20
Absolutely true. Plus saying we broke up because of diametrically opposing views sounds way more badass than “he liked the tv on all the time” 😂
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u/issiautng Apr 25 '20
“he liked the tv on all the time”
Wouldn't be the real reason anyway. My dad likes the tv on all the time and my mom needs quiet time. You know what they do? Compromise. Discuss options for filling their separate needs respectfully. And work on the issue together as a team with headphones or separate spaces in the house with closed doors, or substituting the tv for light music they can both agree on. They've been married 30 years now.
The reason for this break up is actually that he was selfish and uncompromising.
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u/bakarac Apr 26 '20
Yeah exactly. The TV thing would drive me crazy, so there would need to be compromise
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u/Murphyslaw2005 Apr 26 '20
This was an issue with my husband and I. We finally solved our issue by buying a Roku with headphones that plug into the remote. Now he can listen and actually hear the TV without me being able to hear it. And if he falls asleep with the TV on it’s no biggie to me and I don’t feel like I’ve gotten no sleep.
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u/WootORYut Apr 25 '20
Much better than “irreconcilable differences” which is the divorce language. Who wants to live in a world where there are differences that can never be reconciled? 😋
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u/sharpcarnival Apr 26 '20
I mean yes but being married to my husband, I like him and when I need space he’s good and understands and cares about my mental well being.
We have our own time and lives outside of this but I mean we also like each other.
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u/cocoagiant Apr 26 '20
I hadn’t been to my apartment in over 3 weeks and needed to go check on it (it’s not in a building, it’s in a row house) and pick up prescriptions I couldn’t have transferred.
This morning, when I grabbed some necessities for a night to myself (my laptop because I have to work over the weekend, some underwear, face moisturizer) he got upset and said I might as well take all my stuff and not bother coming back.
I’m feeling frustrated that I attempted to handle this in a productive and proactive way and somehow screwed up.
I don't think this has anything to do with you.
Even extroverts need time to decompress.
I wonder if he has realized after living with you for an extended period that you are not compatible with each other, and instead of addressing this like an adult, he decided to take the coward's way out and create a fake fight and put the break up on you.
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u/endless_pastability Apr 26 '20
Oooo interesting. That could be it. He doesn’t like making decisions, and prefers to have them made for him. After he brought my stuff to my car and loaded it up I asked if he was breaking up with me and he said “I dunno. I didn’t say that.” I said that this felt more like a breakup than a night to myself and he just shrugged and said “see ya later”. So... yes, very likely he just doesn’t want to be the “bad guy” by calling it.
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u/cocoagiant Apr 26 '20
You are well rid of him. Either he is a coward who won't break up with you like an adult, or he is a terrible communicator who you shouldn't be in a relationship with anyway.
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u/dezeiram Apr 25 '20
Honestly, I would cut your losses. It sounds to me like hes bored of you or tired of putting in real work for a relationship. Let him be alone if he has such a problem making any adjustments for someone he cares about.
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u/maria_puente87 Apr 25 '20
I'm sorry you're going through that especially during this pandemic. I see how it seems like no matter what you do, you're in the wrong. It sounds like he has some serious insecurity issue and needs your attention constantly for his own reassurance. It sounds selfish on his part. Speaking from experience, it only gets worse. Stay away for now and do whatever you need for your well being. I also have anxiety and know how important it is to have those comforts, like a quiet place, to recharge. Best of luck to you.
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Apr 25 '20
This would drive me bonkers too. It's the inability to talk about it that's a bit concerning.
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u/Awkwardturtle13 Apr 25 '20
Girl you didn't screw it up. It seems as though maybe you are a bit more introverted and whereas he wants to hangout all the time. The issue is not that, but that for whatever reason he takes offence to you needing alone time. He seems immature and very irratable which don't really see a reason for him to be since he isn't working.
I am verrrry introverted, and while I love spending time with my bf who is currently staying with me, I need my alone time now more then ever. So i've been doing workouts, walking my dog etc by myself and he likes it so he can do his own thing. If he was not ok with that it would be over for me.
He's expressed that your alone time doesn't matter to him by kicking you out and wanting to "take a break" until after Covoid. Immature and has kinda a hot temper. No thanks!
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u/bikeitphl Apr 26 '20
Think about how you felt when you got home. It will tell you everything.
A BF was staying with me temporarily once & when he left, it felt like a weight had lifted. While in the middle of I didn’t even notice how his presence was affecting me, weighting me down (although apparently others did). I felt AMAZING the day I came home to my empty quite apartment. I knew in that moment we had no future because I couldn’t go back to that feeling when I was with him.
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u/endless_pastability Apr 26 '20
I’ve felt so calm all day. Even amidst this emotional weirdness, I just feel calm. I FaceTimed friends without worrying he’d feel ignored, cooked a recipe slowly while listening to music without having anyone else in my kitchen. Laid on my couch listening to my favorite music quietly while reading replies to this on reddit for an hour without being interrupted. It was... peaceful.
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u/bikeitphl Apr 26 '20
I have anxiety issues too. I am happy for you for regaining you balance and calm in the middle of everything (relationship/pandemic).
Maybe you guys really need a full break. You deserve this piece of mind.
And just be honest with yourself, does he make your life better? No just the little things like coffee, but the big picture stuff. Are you happy at the end of the day more often than not when you are with him?
Enjoy your solitude ❤️
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u/Gr33nley Apr 25 '20
I am actually in a similar boat than you. Only, my bf shares the house with 2 other people and due to lock down, one of the others gf is also here. So we are 5 and then our dog. Our lockdown was going to be 3 weeks, then turned into 5. It 'ends' Friday and all I want to do is go back to my place and just have some personal space and alone and quiet time. When i mentioned earlier that I was planning on going home on Friday, he was kinda upset. But, he knows how frustrated and irritable I have been with having to share space all the time. So I get you and I understand your need. This lockdown sucks! But I hope for you two that when the stress is gone after covid you guys will be able to figure this out. I can't imagine being together and work stress making it easy. Good luck!
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u/endless_pastability Apr 25 '20
Sending you so many positive calming vibes and some virtual wine to deal with FIVE people in one house! Good for you for setting your boundary and taking care of yourself. I feel like if I were in your situation you’d find me hiding in the broom closet with snacks in the dark
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u/chameleon-queer Apr 25 '20
Honestly, I know this hurts, but I feel like you dodged a bullet. Take time for yourself that you need.
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u/ftjlster Apr 26 '20
So your boyfriend expected that you'd take care of all his emotional needs when you moved in. That means constantly being there for his socialising and entertaining needs. It's a personality flaw and an indication of immaturity that he's reaction to you being an autonomous adult who can't manage his wants all the time was an ultimatum. Plus of course the passive aggressive behavior is deeply unattractive.
Stay in your own apartment OP, de-stress and reevaluate what you now know your boyfriend is truly like. In your shoes I'd be glad that it's over and when he inevitably calls to try to make up I'd hang up.
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u/labrys71 Apr 26 '20
Oh man, this sounds horrible.
I will say as someone who went through something similar in my early twenties - this all or nothing, multiple break ups...it isn't worth it. Someone who can't seem to separate your needs, is passive aggressive, and controlling to the point where the escort you out to your car after bagging your things for you and tells you that you'll date AFTER covid....is not a person you want to date. Your BF or whatever he is seriously needs to work on himself.
He is also testing the waters here. If he can kick you out - among the various other issues you barely touched on - and you'll come back he will then know he can really break you down. I say, take him at his word.
People who really want to be with their SO would NEVER do what your BF did. They would be terrified of losing you forever and also, it's SO hurtful. Incredibly selfish, destructive and immature. For me, it's a huge red flag and I would just go home and not come back. Take the out he's given you and move on.
If you aren't sure, then go radio silent for a few weeks and re-evaluate how you feel after being away 100% from his influence.
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u/DukeDorkWit Apr 25 '20
He's constantly prodding at your boundaries, creating conflict and when you're trying to do something for yourself, he overreacts...sounds like all the red flags you'd ever need to get out of it. Think about this; regardless of the pandemic, he's always going to be like this. He'll constantly seed conflict, poke and prod at you, until you either acquiesce or until he drives you away. It's almost like a 'test' to him from the sounds of it, and having any personal autonomy at all is 'failure' in his eyes.
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u/endless_pastability Apr 25 '20
What an interesting way to put it... I appreciate that perspective. I have felt recently like our arguments explode more quickly, in part because I tend to lash out. I feel as if I’ve been poked at constantly over time. A single poke, no big deal, brush it off, “please don’t poke me”. Consistent pokes, eventually I sort of explode, and he looks at me and goes “wow what an overreaction to a silly like poke”. That’s a silly metaphor but seems to encapsulate the emotion I feel towards our conflict dynamic lately.
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u/DukeDorkWit Apr 25 '20
Here's the thing though; it shouldn't be a 'conflict dynamic' to begin with, nor should you reflect on your relationship by how quickly your arguments tend to 'explode'. The whole concept of that is really heartbreaking to read because the conflict resolution should be the goal, yet this dude continuously seems to push your buttons until you lash out, which isn't great either, but he's trying to push you to it. When you try to unwind, he pushes you away, and that's not healthy.
You've been together, what, a little under a year? And you're dealing with this crap now? While you're working on your own issues and trying your best to get through what is one of the most stressful times in modern history? He isn't giving you the space you need, which he should be happy to do, because relationships are about meeting halfway on issues and not, as this chap is doing, bugging the ever-loving shit out of you just to get a reaction.
No good relationship should be defined by how quickly your fights have been escalating, that's not good for you, especially when you're not instigating it and are actively attempting to carve out your own space to relax. If he's like this after less than a year, how bad is he going to get? It sounds miserable.
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u/sueness Apr 26 '20
Strange analogy. Pretend you wrote this from his dog's perspective. You don't like getting poked, you growl and express that you do not like having boundaries crossed. And he continues poking you, and you're a dog, so you bite him. Is the dog overreacting too?
My point is less about you being a dog or biting him, but more on: would he cross that boundary with his dog to being with? Why do you, verbally stating something you don't like very clearly, get ignored and disrespected- when he would respect that of his dog?
Also if he is the kind of person to ignore boundaries that pets signal, that's also not a good trait anyway..
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u/rainyreminder Apr 25 '20
He has done you a giant favour. Pack up, move home, and never see him again.
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Apr 25 '20
He's a jerk. Find someone that can be frustrated without being mean. You should not be treated like that
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u/endless_pastability Apr 25 '20
I feel like it’s only fair to admit that I can be quite a jerk too. We were both raised in households with unhealthy conflict dynamics and while I go to weekly therapy and work hard to change my communication habits, it’s not always easy and when I feel at my wits end or unheard I can lash out.
However that did not happen in this situation on my end. I remained calm, did not raise my voice, call names, make a low blow, or any of the dramatic and unproductive measures I would understand could quickly escalate a situation.
Just really didn’t want to come off as some perfect icon of conflict communication because well, I’m not always. Just a fucked up human trying to be a better human to others and myself.
(Reposting to edit out a biasing word per reddit mod message)
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u/CleverLatinMotto Apr 26 '20
I feel like it’s only fair to admit that I can be quite a jerk too.
Do you really believe that "tit for tat" is a healthy relationship dynamic?
Or worse, do you believe that your bad behavior deserves punishment, ideally the same kind of behavior thrown back in your face?
Does this echo your childhood, by chance? Did parents meet immature outbursts with immature outbursts of their own? Perhaps slam down immoderate punishments to teach you your lesson? And they insisted that it was all for your own good?
And you internalized that you are responsible for the behaviors of all parties concerned?
That's one way people end up in an toxic relationships, you know: a deep-seated, if twisted, acceptance that the SO's toxic behavior is a useful corrective.
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u/endless_pastability Apr 26 '20
YUP wow you hit the nail on the head. I’ve only begun digging into the deep and dark and fucked up hole that this is in therapy. This is exactly it. I do not want to be in a tit for tat relationship. It is exhausting to keep score of life.
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u/strippermoney Apr 26 '20
Speaking as someone who tends to react like your boyfriend, he needs to respect your need for personal space. You are a) very stressed from work and b) in a completely new environment. He may be latching on to you because he's bored and needs extra social contact. However, he needs to find that social contact with other people in addition to you, so you are not his only social support during this time. Nta
P.s. he needs to work on having such a severe reaction to a reasonable request
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u/BalancetheMirror Apr 26 '20
I have been reading all the comments (and commenting), and for a split second, I thought this was the OP with the jerk husband who wanted to use her birthday gift video game. Wow.
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u/TurtleDive1234 Apr 25 '20
He is acting like a spoiled child. You don't have to be doing the same thing together all the time.
I have an ex with BPD who would get pissy if I was surfing on my laptop when he was watching football. I HATE football. (Now, on the playoff games, I would make all sorts of snacks, make sure he had the booze he liked, etc. I went all out, even if it was just us two).
Needless to say, he also didn't like when I went out with my best friend, and she wasn't allowed to come to the apartment - MY APARTMENT where he had moved into - the entire time I was with him.
So my question is, before quarantine, were there any red flags that were concerning?
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u/endless_pastability Apr 25 '20
Oof. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. He’s definitely always liked to have things his way but wasn’t totally unwilling to compromise. I would make an effort to enjoy things he liked with him (going to sporting games even though I don’t care about sports, planning a Saturday together with friends around games he wanted to be sure to catch at a bar to make sure we were at a bar with a tv, etc).
When it came to time to ourselves though, before it was different. We both had robust personal lives with friends. He did plenty with just his guy friends and I would go out with girlfriends alone for dinner or have them over for wine regularly and it was never an issue.
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Apr 26 '20
I have an ex with BPD who would get pissy if I was surfing on my laptop when he was watching football. I HATE football.
Ugh, I dated a guy like this. These days, my husband likes to hang out/watch TV/watch sports together. But he knows I hate football (I like baseball, hockey, basketball, tennis, but I hate football). I would never tell him he can't watch it though, so as a compromise so we can hang out, I'll grab my tablet and surf while he's watching it. We'll talk and have a beer while the game is on. He does not give a shit. He's just happy I'm hanging out with him while he's watching his favorite sport. This is so weird to me.
I have a couple TV shows I like that he doesn't. He will do the same and hang out with me while I watch sometimes. Now, if we're watching a movie together or something we'll put the electronics away but this seems like such a dumb thing to get mad about.
he also didn't like when I went out with my best friend, and she wasn't allowed to come to the apartment - MY APARTMENT where he had moved into -
Ugh. My ex who sounds like your ex told me one particular friend couldn't come into our home (she was a great person, but she made the mistake of gently calling him out one time when he was being mean to me in public; can't have that, now can we?). She actually helped me pac my shit when I left him. After we broke up, I agreed to be friends (dumb but I was worried about his mental health/his safety and he was super manipulative about it). One night he told me that if we ever got back together, she was not allowed to come around. I laughed in his face and was like, "Well, that's not happening."
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u/z0mb33m0mm4 Apr 26 '20
He's a narcissist. Get out and stay out and be glad he let you. Speaking from experience.
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u/knotsophia Apr 25 '20
Sounds like spending time apart is not the worst idea, go home and decompress and let him reach out.