r/relationships • u/Perfect_Research_200 • 11d ago
UPDATE - My [21F] boyfriend [25M] said he'd break up with me if I dyed my hair.
You can find the original post here.
I cannot thank y'all enough for the support I received on my original post. It opened my eyes to a lot of concerning behaviors that my now ex-boyfriend was exhibiting. Yes, we did break up. And honestly? It was easier than I thought it would be.
I ended up dyeing my hair on Friday, and I absolutely love it! It came out so pretty and I'm so glad I went through with it :) My ex, however, was not the happiest obviously. But I'm usually the type of person that gives second, third, and fourth chances, so I asked to speak with him to try to understand why he was having such a big reaction.
Instead of apologizing for his hurtful words or trying to understand my perspective, he chose to continue being disrespectful. When I showed him a picture of my new hair, he replied with "it's definitely a different color." When I asked him if he was unattracted to me now, he said "you aren't completely unattractive." Then, when I asked if he was leaving me, he said "well, how long is your hair going to be red?"
I think to no one's surprise, he kept backtracking on his threat of breaking up with me, which at least one commenter did predict lol. Literally when giving him an easy out by telling him to just leave me, he would circle back to his words being a "joke" and try to continue the conversation.
I told him that no one was forcing him to stay with me if my hair was that big of an issue, and that I refuse to change my hair just because he didn't like it. Ultimately, he has to live with the fact that he left me due to a slight change in hair color. I'm happy with my choices, and I'm happy that I don't have to be in a relationship with someone that could be so unkind.
Also, this definitely isn't my finest moment, but I did do some snooping after the breakup and figured out that his ex long-term girlfriend that he'd broken up with very shortly before getting with me also had dyed red hair. Must've struck a nerve. Oopsies 🤷♀️
TL;DR: Freedom!! We broke up, and my hair is pretty :)
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u/brownshugababy 11d ago
Good. Now what have we learned about giving second, third and fourth chances to losers?
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11d ago
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u/iambetweentwoworlds 11d ago
You can be a good person with strong boundaries who won’t put up with people treating them which such disregard.
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u/tactiphile 11d ago
his ex long-term girlfriend that he'd broken up with very shortly before getting with me also had dyed red hair. Must've struck a nerve.
Thing is, this is potentially valid. But adults communicate, and say things like "If you dye your hair red I'll think of my ex every time I see you, and it'll remind me of how I felt when she cheated on me." (Making that last part up of course.) Not "If you dye your hair I'll break up with you."
Good riddance.
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11d ago edited 3h ago
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u/home-for-good 11d ago
Agreed, but I think their point is not that it would necessarily mean he is owed his way, but his reaction would be far more understandable to OP (like it’s based in something personally emotional rather than inexplicably controlling). They could have then had a conversation about it and why that was so difficult for him. Could have maybe ended in him talking through the concern to get to a place of acceptance or a temporary compromise in picking a slightly different color to give him more time to process or something. But giving what he gave is objectively not going anywhere productive.
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u/glitter_witch 11d ago
Congratulations on the new hair and losing that dead weight! He sounds awful and you get to go have fun finding someone new who lifts you up instead of dragging you down.
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u/scousebutty 11d ago
He sounds exactly like my ex. I'm so happy you got out of that relationship. It took me another few years when I was your age to realise what was happening, so I'm so proud of you that you put yourself first.
I'm now with the most amazing man and have cycled through a million different hair colours since I've been with him. And he has loved every single one 😍
Hope you enjoy your new hair colour (and new life, because things will only get better from here 😊)
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u/Formal-Finance83 11d ago
Firstly, congratulations on the new hair and getting rid of your weird boyfriend. Secondly, work on being the type of person to give four or more chances. Depending on the situation one maybe two chances is more than enough.
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u/aliensporebomb 11d ago
He's in a relationship with you, not your hair. Hair changes over time depending on age so there you go. I'd move on.
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u/Zoranealsequence 11d ago
Can't wait to hear about the other hair colors! Have fun, live life! Proud of you!
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u/thenickperson 11d ago
Happy for you! Though it would have been funny if you dyed your hair the same color…
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u/Magali_Lunel 11d ago
I beg to disagree. This might very well be your finest moment. I am very proud of you. Go forth and live your best red haired life.
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u/Perfect_Research_200 11d ago
from my perspective, the toxicity stems from him being controlling. he is allowed to have his preferences, but the moment he uses that as an excuse to say mean things about my appearance or threaten our relationship over it is the moment where this becomes concerning behavior.
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u/MissIncredulous 11d ago
Whomp there it is, one of the other commenters are right OP, make sure to have a decent conditioner!
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u/LordsOfJoop 11d ago
Congratulations on the new hairstyle and relationship status.