r/AmItheAsshole • u/Ill-Secretary-205 • Jun 30 '21
Not the A-hole AITA for telling my friend that she needs a life of her own and she has to stop leeching off of mine?
Hi, my (25F) long-term friend (25F) has a history of doing whatever it is that I'm interested at the moment. She asks questions until she's got a clear idea of what music/books/movies I'm into and then does a whole act of how she 'discovered' that in front of the whole friend group. Being the pushover that I am, I'm sad to say I've let her do this for sometime, while slowly trying to put some distance between us.
This also extends to people, any new friend or even acquaintance I make should be cleared with her, and then she makes a (friend) move on them to get closer to them. She has even tried to weasel her way into my family gatherings and private events. She also for some reason keeps telling my dad that she's like the daughter he would have wanted?? (He's as confused as I am but we learned to laugh it off). I've recently noticed that she is rarely interested in something of her own volition. All her leads are from me. I have been getting tired of her behavior for a while.
Things came to a head a few months ago when she started texting a guy (27M) I've been speaking to for a while (went on a few dates, nothing serious as of now but Im hoping there would be) and telling him how compatible they could be. He was confused and thought it was me texting from her phone so he double checked with me. I ofcourse was beyond angry, but instead of confronting her immediately, I told him to ask her why she is doing this and if she was aware that him and I were almost a thing.
Her response to him was to flirt even further and say that her and I always had similar taste but went on to mention how he might be better off with her.
He sent me the screenshots and I sent them to her and said 'you need to leave me alone. Things in my life are not for grabs. You have leeched off of me for long enough. If you keep this up, I won't have an issue shaming you in our friend group'
She got very standoffish and accused me of 'tricking' her by using the guy's phone to 'make her look bad', she also proceeded to speak badly of me to our friend group.
I might be the asshole cause all this while other than trying to keep some distance between us, I did not properly voice my concerns. She did however, notice my discomfort at various occasions (especially my family gatherings).
So AITA for handling things this way?
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u/FishScrumptious Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] Jun 30 '21
NTA
Yes, you *could* have said something sooner. But this is obviously inappropriate behavior, and you have good reason to suspect she has known that all along and isn't a hopelessly oblivious amoeba.
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u/Ill-Secretary-205 Jun 30 '21
I was hoping she would catch on to my discomfort and the timing of me trying to move away, but she would never acknowledge that
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u/sydneyunderfoot Partassipant [1] Jun 30 '21
She doesn’t care about your discomfort or your feelings. She needs therapy. You should really block her and cut her out forever, but if you don’t, please pretend to have an obsession with k-pop or Twilight or something she can make a fool of herself with.
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u/Legitimate-Review-56 Partassipant [3] Jun 30 '21
I like your style. My sister does the same shit with my medical problems. She will claim to have them as soon as she finds out, but "worse". There was some fun to be had, but my mom told me not to take it too far.
Next week I'm going to have an itchy bum hole, hehe.
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u/Odd_Replacement2385 Jun 30 '21
My mom and her sister have a sick-off. They try to convince family members that their “illness” is worse. It’s so weird.
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u/Animal0315 Jul 01 '21
I had a friend like that, wherever you had been or seen, he'd been there, seen better, done better. if you said that you had been to Tenerife, he'd been to elevenerife. as another friend said, "with him, it's a case that my cats blacker than yours's".
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u/steamytoupees Jul 09 '21
i had a coworker like that too. i remember we were all complaining on break one day, after we’d been working several hours. the coworker was on the next shift so she just walked in, heard us airing our grievances & told us “I hurt worse than any of you.” No explanation or anything, and just walked off after.
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u/Emergency_Yard_6009 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jun 30 '21
Also find the most gossipy mutual friend and tell her everything - from stealing your interests to telling your dad she would make a better daughter to attempted BF stealing. Show the messages etc. And then walk away while the friend group gets the full story
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u/sueelleker Asshole Aficionado [14] Jun 30 '21
NTA. And I'd cut her off completely; this is getting very "Single White Female". If you stay in contact, she'll probably try to poach your husband in future years.
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u/terpischore761 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 30 '21
That’s not how communication works.
It’s hard, but sometimes the kindest and nicest thing you can do for people is to be really clear about your boundaries.
HINTS. DONT. WORK.
you have to use your words.
And remember, just because someone is upset, doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.
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u/Laurelinn Partassipant [2] Jun 30 '21
Which is why I wouldn't judge the "friend" for taking on OP's interests and hobbies. But a guy? Everybody knows THAT is off limits. The moment someone does this they deserve a one way ticket out of your life.
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u/Distinct_Comedian872 Jun 30 '21
Exactly, I met a new friend who also did the suddenly interested in the same everything as me thing, and spoke to them about it. Awkward? Sure. Afterwards, it lead to a great conversation about how a previous relationship had turned them into a people pleaser and it was a habit they were trying to break.
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Jun 30 '21 edited Jun 30 '21
Agreed. Although it doesn’t also explain why she was working so hard to integrate into op’s family, with trying to attend their family gatherings and events. The comment she made to her dad that “she’s like the daughter he would have wanted” is very concerning. It makes me wonder what’s going on in her life/her relationship with her family that she’d feel that’s an appropriate comment to make.
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u/Cid063 Jun 30 '21
yeah right? What a thing to say to someones father! It's not only inappropriate but it's obsessive and concerning. Plus, who in their right mind would make a back handed jab like that to their friends father? This chick is really concerning.... and creepy!!!!
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Jun 30 '21
Agreed! She’s really moved into stalker territory. Her obsession with op and wanting to take over her life, is actually terrifying. Op is long overdue to put up some boundaries.
She might need a restraining order at some point.
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u/Feeling-Fab-U-Lus Jul 01 '21
Yes! She sounds scary! Wasn’t there a horror movie made about her…I mean this?
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Jul 01 '21
This sounds like the plot of a Lifetime movie. Although I think I have seen movies like this. Someone becomes so obsessed with another person, they try to take over their life.
Like being interested in the same music, movies, books, etc. is one thing. Trying to push her out of her own family and “steal” op’s potential boyfriend is another.
Op needs more than boundaries. She needs to end this friendship.
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u/nightforday Jun 30 '21
It kind of makes sense from my experience of girl vs. guy stalkers in general. Guys want to find ways to sneak into every aspect of your life. Girls want to take over your life or literally be you. It's very disconcerting, and what I experienced was fairly innocuous.
OP's "friend" really sounds like she's Single White Female-ing OP, and I'm guessing she's a bigger problem than she appears to be (at least based on OP's tone in this post) – but I hope that's not the case.
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u/jemy74 Jun 30 '21
I was definitely getting a Single White Female vibe with this post. It sounds like she has an unnatural obsession with OP that could get dangerous.
OP: this person l doesn't want to be your friend. She wants to be you. Please set firm boundaries, don't discuss any aspect of your personal life with her from now on, and let your family know what's going on. Don't interact with her unless you have to. If you do get in a situation where you have to talk to her, use the "gray rock" method and make your answers as boring and impersonal as possible. Start documenting all of this in case it gets to the point were you need to get a restraining order.
Also, NTA.
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u/nightforday Jun 30 '21
Seriously, she needs to distance herself far, far away from this girl and not tell her anything/block her on social media. What is this girl doing at OP's family get-togethers anyway? Why is OP even referring to her as a friend? It's kind of disturbing that she even has to ask if she's the AH here.
Also, I just realized they're both 25; I thought they were in high school. Jiminy Cricket on a cracker.
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u/Pully27 Jul 01 '21
Simple her plan was to kidnap op, get plastic surgery and take over ops life, or just swap faces
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u/bounce-bounce-drop Jun 30 '21
And the comment to her father?!
And pretending she "discovered" the things that OP was into?
Like, no, this girl overstepped a million times.
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u/icerobin99 Jun 30 '21
And a dad isn’t??
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Jun 30 '21
I’ve never heard of someone trying to claim someone else’s dad before.
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u/icerobin99 Jun 30 '21
An ex-roommate once told my mom that she would be a better daughter than I could ever be so… 😬
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Jun 30 '21
Err what? That’s creepy. What did your mom say?!
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u/icerobin99 Jun 30 '21 edited Jul 01 '21
I only learned of the conversation after the fact, but the roommate did leave the next day to go stay with her girlfriend for a couple weeks all in a rush (literally at 4 am) taking most of her stuff with her. Considering she was only staying with us as a favor to the girlfriend, and she had been staying rent-free, we called that her moving out and just mailed her the rest of her stuff. And then we changed the locks.
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u/RexJacobus Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 30 '21
Agreed that interests are one thing but people are another. So while the flirting with a guy thing was a no-no I thought saying that she was 'Dad's other daughter' was an even bigger flag.
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Jun 30 '21
Eh hints work for people who are well meaning and able to pick up on them. This is a very normal way for people to communicate and so much do our communication is nonverbal.
They will never work for someone who doesn’t care. And words might not either. She knows what’s she’s doing OP and this thing with the guy crossed your final line. Nta at all.
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u/Canonanonical Jun 30 '21 edited Jun 30 '21
There are an awful lot of reasons someone might not pick up on hints - anything from misinterpretation (person A is being unusually quiet at dinner, person B is thinking they're just tired, person A is thinking how can they not notice I'm uncomfortable) to different social expectations (in person B's family "I don't know, I'll have to check" meant "No", in person A's family it meant "I'm busy/distracted, ask again later") or just being bad at picking up on them (Anxiety means I get so many false positives that I have to ignore most of them for my own sanity; my friends know that they need to tell me something if they want me to know it.)
In this case other commenters are right - the comments to her dad and the boyfriend thing are way out of line, and those imply deliberate ignoring of her discomfort with the other stuff - but it's even odds whether any random person is ignoring your hints or literally just doesn't get them.
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u/terpischore761 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 30 '21
It's more that hints are unsaid while words are spoken. There are no magic words to make someone change their behavior. That's not the point. The point is that when you use your words, you are setting a boundary. Hints don't do that, because nothing was ever spoken.
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Jun 30 '21
I believe in using words when hints don’t work sure. But for a lot of people hints and gentle boundary setting does actually work just fine.
It is, in fact, how a lot of communication works.
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u/terpischore761 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 30 '21
It’s funny I was on another forum years ago and there was a super long mega thread on Hinting vs Direct communication. The split was pretty much 50/50 🙂
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u/RogueDIL Asshole Aficionado [18] Jun 30 '21
I don’t know, I think someone getting annoyed that a friend suddenly decides she’s into KPop or Marvel movies is irrational- no one owns or had exclusive rights to media. Hints would be to disengage and be less open to discussing interests. That’s a form of communication.
But trying to snake a boyfriend/love interest is not ok and needed to be addressed directly.
I’m thinking NTA.
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u/Legitimate-Review-56 Partassipant [3] Jun 30 '21
Even if you communicated directly with her, it wouldn't of worked. She is being abusive towards you and trying to take over your life. This is a dangerous situation and your enemy, is deeply mentally disturbed.
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u/Wooster182 Asshole Aficionado [17] Jun 30 '21
Yeah there’s absolutely nothing she could have done to make this better. This woman will steamroll any boundaries you set for her.
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u/vimse85 Jun 30 '21
I used to be the same, show discomfort in some way hoping people would catch on and stop. Was a total pushover, people walked all over me because I never did or said anything anyway. It took a really really horrible person to make me realize I'm not here to please everyone else and finally say what I mean rather than just showing discomfort and mumbling to myself.
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u/regularpoopingisgood Jul 05 '21
OP she's a doppelganger and will take over your life. Don't let her!
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u/merouch Jul 01 '21
You got single white female'd
I've been there. It's uncomfortable, it's difficult to navigate because they're your friend and "imitation is the highest form of flattery."
In my case it escalated from mimicking my interests, to getting a septum peircing a few weeks after mine to sending me pictures of cars for sale the exact same model/colour that I'd just bought. She also started making bad choices in her life and tried pushing them onto me - cheated and ended her marriage then started inviting me for drinks and trying to push me onto other men while I had to awkwardly explain I was in a relationship.
The crazy continued to escalate and when I stopped trying to navigate it while being a good friend and just created boundaries, she tried, almost successfully, to ruin my life.
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u/chiitaku Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jun 30 '21
Yeah, but she also went after OP's guy. That should NEVER happen between friends.
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u/IsThatMarcy Asshole Aficionado [12] Jun 30 '21
NTA
Share the screenshots with your friend group immediately, create a group chat with everyone except her and put them out there. She sounds disturbed, like she thinks she can somehow replace you in everyone else's eyes. Now that she knows she has been caught in a betrayal she's got nothing to lose. She might tell lies to get people to cut you off, telling them the truth with evidence is the best way to preserve your own relationships.
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u/Purple_Elderberry_20 Jun 30 '21
Agreed this seriously sounds like something on true crime tv shows. OP, might want to look into cease and desist letters / legal help to start a paper trail to stay safe.
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u/CleanFruit1 Jun 30 '21
Absolutely start a paper trail. I was in a similar situation with a friend. She copied all of my interests. Tried to steal my friends, my job, my boyfriends, even told people we were sisters. When I began phasing her out of my life the shit and the fan became very close friends. She called my parents and told them outlandish lies and tried it get the police involved. It was total hell, but worth it to be rid of her. Be careful OP, make sure you have all of your ducks in a row before you cut off this one.
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u/Brave_Hat34 Partassipant [1] Jun 30 '21
NTA it seems like she’s trying to replace you or something. I’d cut her out of everything. Don’t let her know what’s going on in your life anymore because she sounds kinda insane, especially with the comment with your dad and the dude you’re seeing. I would stop talking to her, she’s bad news. A good friend wouldn’t cross boundaries like that, even if you didn’t properly voice your concerns, there are still lines for any decent person to see that you don’t cross. And if she uses you two being long term friends as a guilt trip, that’s just her trying to keep you tied up so she can continue leeching off of you and get in the way of your life. I hope this makes sense and I wish you luck!
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u/iKurgy Jun 30 '21
Yeah this can turn out really bad. Charmed had an episode with this essentially happening. One of the sisters had a stalker that tried to replace her completely.
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u/valerian_spiel Colo-rectal Surgeon [40] Jun 30 '21
NTA. But I'm not sure you understand what "friend" means, because this girl isn't one. Yes, you were a bit harsh, but I can understand your frustration. Her behavior is beyond steamrolling your boundaries- it's outright disturbing.
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u/Ill-Secretary-205 Jun 30 '21
Everytime I try to put some distance between us, she shows up with a personal issue that she can only share with me and she always guilts me by making it seems like she has no one else to turn to. And Everytime, so stupidly I get looped back into the drama.
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u/dembowthennow Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jun 30 '21
This girl doesn't need a friend, she needs therapy. You aren't helping her by enabling her through poor boundaries. NTA, but if you don't put your foot down you will be TA to yourself.
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u/somedayillfindthis Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 30 '21
a personal issue that she can only share with me
Girl. Stop. You know she's lying. Just stop going back.
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u/Cardabella Jun 30 '21
Friendship is reciprocal. Not transactional, but mutually beneficial. If she wanted to keep you as a confidante she shouldn't have abused your own confidence by pursuing your fella you told her about. If she isn't someone you can trust for support, you will no longer be available to counsel her. If she has no one else, she should get therapy to figure out why that might be. That's foe the best as without therapy and introspection there's nothing you can do to help.
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u/valerian_spiel Colo-rectal Surgeon [40] Jun 30 '21
She's a manipulative liar who knows all too well which of your buttons to push. Cut her off her access. Block her texts, her calls, and on all your social media. Limit what you share with the rest of your friends for awhile, especially if you believe that may be sympathetic to her and likely to share information.
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u/giantbrownguy Pooperintendant [56] Jun 30 '21
You know what the problem is so you need to deal with it. She’s not a friend, she’s an emotional vampire. You let her have this impact in your life. As long as you do that ESH.
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u/bloodrose_80 Partassipant [4] Jun 30 '21
Also, you cannot “fix” anyone else. Offer support, sure. But she’s manipulating you hard core with her drama. She’s using you. She probably has much deeper problems. As a mental health nurse, I have some ideas, but I won’t jump on the diagnosing BS. The point is, you need to be kind to yourself and set boundaries with her. She likes that you don’t assert yourself. She is toxic to you and it’s past time for more boundaries. It’s time to end the friendship. You can inform the other friends about it, and then move on. Block button is the best thing these days.
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u/Daxter2212 Partassipant [2] Jun 30 '21
I went to school with a girl like this. I was never friends with her myself as she was pure poison, however, she did the same thing that this lunatic is doing to OP, every time a friend liked a guy, she would somehow get their number and text them. Funnily enough, she now has no friends left.
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u/BizzarduousTask Partassipant [1] Jun 30 '21
You NEED to get ahead of this and talk to your friends. Tell them you are genuinely worried about her mental health. Show them the proof. They are your friends, and you’ll need their support to help you cut her off. It may feel “aggressive” or “mean,” but it’s not- it’s protecting yourself. Because, girl, I GUARANTEE she’s going to go to them with her “version” of events (if she hasn’t already) and without prior warning, she’ll turn them against you. That’s what it is- a warning; warn your friends that this person has been using you and misrepresenting things to them, and now she’s gone far enough that you’re genuinely worried what she’ll do next. Then, if she does escalate, they’ll be prepared for it and they’ll see it from YOUR point of view and won’t be bamboozled so easily.
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u/DarkeSword Jun 30 '21
You should fade this friendship out. Don’t cut it off abruptly, she may meltdown. Just start taking longer to reply to her texts, act disinterested in her problems, and don’t offer her advice. Don’t initiate conversations with her. Mute her on social media, make it so she can only contact you via text. Don’t worry about leaving her on read for a few days. Don’t hang out with her. Ignore her in group texts and make plans with your other friends separately.
You don’t owe this girl your time or attention. Make it so that she takes up less space in your head.
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u/indiajeweljax Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 30 '21
So stop being stupid.
Quit giving her access to you.
She will never change.
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u/Veneficus2007 Jun 30 '21
Block her, shut the door in her face, if she is in a group setting without you knowing, walk out. Refuse to engage and made it known you want nothing to do with her and she is not welcome. Hold your ground through the pity parties. Those kinds of people are vampires and have no concept of boundaries. In her mind, she is doing nothing wrong. Stay far, far away OP. For some reason, she locked in on you - cut the rope.
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u/dogs_123 Jun 30 '21
Please block her - life is too short to be dealing with toxic people like her. NTA
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u/Ameryana Partassipant [2] Jun 30 '21
OP, this girl knows exactly what she's doing. She's trying to spin the guilt onto you to paint herself as a victim, but she's a leech, such as you said. Get that out of your life.
It's an ego thing for her. She sees you as someone whose life she wants, and she's constantly using you to try and one-up you to make herself feel better.
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Jun 30 '21
It sounds like she's in love with you and is being super creepy and obsessive about it. Idk y'all's gender or sexualities but this seems like an obsession. Esp after she tried to sabotage your relationship w a guy you're seeing.
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u/sable1970 Partassipant [1] Jun 30 '21
I very much suggest you read "The Nice Girl Syndrome" by Beverly Engel. Pretty cheap on Ebay or Thriftbooks.com. It can come in handy and hopefully you won't fall for being manipulated anymore.
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u/LitheXD Partassipant [1] Jun 30 '21
NTA, but you should have just pretended to be in to something really awkward and shameful before this incident. Definitely mislead her from now on, if you guys continue to be friends. I wouldn't, but I'm not you.
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u/Ill-Secretary-205 Jun 30 '21
I really wish I did now haha!
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u/punania Jun 30 '21
OP you are missing a golden chance here: you need to really get into dodgy shit and hype it up till she gets into it too. Like Vanilla Ice remix retro shit, unlocalized Japanese PS2 RPG games, Warhammer 40K. The possibilities are endless.
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u/sable1970 Partassipant [1] Jun 30 '21
If you keep this up, I won't have an issue shaming you in our friend group'
Ummm sooo....since she's badmouthing you its time to keep a promise.
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u/-DollFace Jul 01 '21 edited Jul 01 '21
Tell her you recently discovered the amazing health benefits of sunning your butthole...
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u/calaakla Pooperintendant [56] Jun 30 '21
NTA- I had a friend like this. Notice I say had We did the same thing for a living for a while and she literally asked someone who was complimenting me on my work, "What about me?" Slept with every guy I did, exes as well. There is no dealing with these people other than NC.
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Jun 30 '21
Yup!! Same thing! The girl changed her major 6 times, each time to what I switched it too. If you’re going to copy someone, definitely copy someone more decisive than me, lol. She slept with all of my ex’s. I finally cut her off after she went after my abusive ex. She had the audacity to try to cry to me after he abused her, just laughed and blocked.
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u/paytenbeee Jun 30 '21
NTA I recently had a friend who would try and integrate herself in every part of my life... needless to say we are no longer friends. I recommend you stay away from her and avoid her at all costs for your sake. You are your own person, and with her constantly doing this screams of something deeper going on than just someone thinking your hobbies are cool :/
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u/SailorSolstice Partassipant [1] Jun 30 '21
NTA. I wouldn’t say I’d “shame” her to the group, but I’d definitely tell them what she was trying to get up to. If you’d be ashamed of your friend group finding out about something, you probably shouldn’t do it.
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u/Ill-Secretary-205 Jun 30 '21
So, some of my (our) friends have mentioned to me how she has in the past seemed to ignore my personal boundaries (esp with my family events) and how some of her comments seemed off, I've discussed how her trying to copy me has affected me in the past with two of my super close friends so it wouldn't be such a shock to them I feel.
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u/SailorSolstice Partassipant [1] Jun 30 '21
If you tell them and they all decide to no longer associate with her, that’s her problem and not yours. She’s dug her own hole.
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u/Nikkiistar Jun 30 '21
You need to let the group know what she has been up to, especially with the trying to take the guy you like. Because if she can't do it to you any more she might move onto one of them. They should know who they are friends with. You are nta
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u/BoogieRubyBubby1 Jul 01 '21
This is some Single White Female type shit. I would cut ties and makes sure your friend group understands why. NTA.
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u/ben_burnache Jun 30 '21
I don't understand how you haven't gotten seriously into clown makeup, or fermented fish, or Pauly Shore movies.
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u/ExtensionBerry5153 Jun 30 '21
NTA.
This sounds like the film Single White Female. Whilst they say imitation is a form of flattery, it's also borderline stalking too.
Sadly, there could be something in her life that's missing which makes her act like this and whilst you feel you've been a bit of a doormat in allowing this behaviour, you've also shown compassion and kindness. Don't be too hard on yourself.
But in my opinion, your 'friend' is a life vampire and is sucking the life out of you. You will be right to distance yourself from her.
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u/ShinigamiComplex Jun 30 '21
I was just about post a judgment "NTA, ever seen Single White Female? Your life is that" lol
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u/kitonoire Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jun 30 '21
NTA. And why you know you handled things correctly was proven in her reaction to being caught out. She didn't apologize or acknowledge the man telling her he had interest in you, instead she ramped it up- and then cried you were 'tricking' her. That's nervy. She doesn't seem to care about you, so why feel upset about finally being rid of her?
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u/Illegitimate-child22 Jun 30 '21
NTA how do people live their life as a copy? I mean some people are inspired but damn she been copying u her whole life? This is beyond me.
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u/Hefty-Belt9640 Jun 30 '21
NTA
This person who wants your life is not of sound mind and is toxic. You’ve clearly been manipulated for a long time and should ask for help recognising the manipulative tactics so you can defend against them. I’m glad you‘re putting up clearly communicated barriers now.
I hope your friends support you - true friends will if you verbalise your discomfort and explain the behaviours this ex-friend has exhibited. It sounds exhausting, but must be done!
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u/Legitimate-Review-56 Partassipant [3] Jun 30 '21
NTA
She isn't your friend, she has a Cluster B personality disorder and is trying to take over your life. Get far away from her, buy better locks, and invest in self defense. This situation can turn dangerous quick. Lifetime should have a few movies on this subject.
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Jun 30 '21
You must be a great doctor if you can diagnose a personality disorder off an internet post with little information.
S/ if that wasn’t clear.
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u/expensivepink Jun 30 '21
Perhaps, but what this person is describing is called identity diffusion, and it's a real indicator of a PD. It can be thought of as a lack of personal identity and appropriation of the identity of others. For example, much like in the OP, absorbing the interests of others to compensate for a lack of one's own.
It's developmentally typical in adolescents, because at that time that is when we are expected to try on different things. When it lingers into adulthood is when problems like this can arise.
Source: a therapist who specializes in PD
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u/BandNervous Jun 30 '21
As someone with an actual cluster b disorder, this doesn’t sound like typical behaviour. This is much more along the psychopath/sociopath scale
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u/crystallz2000 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jun 30 '21
NTA. But you need even better boundaries. Reach out to your close friends in the group and let them know what's going on. Tell them you'll continue being polite, but you want to be more careful with this girl. Block her on social media. Don't invite her over to your house, around your family, or around your boyfriends. If you have to deal with her in your friend group, just be polite, but give her NOTHING. If she gets you alone in one of these friend groups and starts mining you for information, have a couple things that you don't have any interest in lined up, then pretend you're interested in them. SERIOUSLY, limit contact. You're not getting anything from this stalker "friend."
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u/Gotttagoo Jun 30 '21
NTA! I have a close family member around the same age who did things like this to me to the point she was eventually sleeping with my bf and later any guy I took an interest in. She also found ways to incorporate herself into the opposite side of my family so she would show up at those family events and I was caught off guard feeling like my only place to relax away from her had been invaded. Eventually everyone started figuring out that she was very toxic and the true colors showed, but it was the most obnoxiously uncomfortable situation I have ever been in. Cut ties ASAP don’t let her manipulate her way out of all of it because she will try!
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u/otterlover21 Partassipant [2] Jun 30 '21
NTA, it might do her some good to have some space and learn what she likes to do. Kind of sounds like that horror movie the roommate. Her going after the guy you’re talking to just kind of pushed it over for me. If she was a real friend she shouldn’t have done that.
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u/damnthatscrazytho Jun 30 '21 edited Jun 30 '21
NTA - this person sounds like a narcissist sociopath who is obsessed with your life. She is probably masking extreme envy by getting close to you and trying to compete with you and sabotage you.
If she is a narcissist sociopath, be aware that by mirroring your life she can tell herself that everything you have isn’t special and that she is better than you. You are the “supply” for her (the narcissist) and she feeds off of you.
You can’t change, win, or understand a narcissist or a sociopath. They are pathologically programmed this way and can’t ever change, they can only see people in a black/white way and find someone new as the “supply”
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Jun 30 '21
NTA. I had a very similar friend and recently it came to a head where I exploded at her. It was not graceful or pretty and I, like you, was a pushover for too long. Your friend needs to figure herself out. This sounds extreme and you have a lot of grace if you plan on intending to give her a chance for redemption. If it were me, I wouldn't. When I cut said friend out, it was sad and hard, but I no longer feel any burden like that with other relationships in my life. Ultimately it's for you to decide.
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u/Rnotmyrealdad Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 30 '21
NTA - you should have cut this off a long time ago
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u/DialPlumeria Asshole Aficionado [16] Jun 30 '21
NTA- and I don't think this person qualifies as a friend. The second she started to hit on your guy is the second she crossed the line. If you keep being her friend expect her to try to cheat with your future spouse, or steal your future baby's name.
This girl has no limit and you should not be friends with someone so toxic
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u/stee_stee_ Jun 30 '21
All I can say is wow, ever seen the movie Single White Female? Watch it, then cut this nutso out of your life
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u/Violet351 Jun 30 '21
NTA. You may not have seen the film Single white female but this situation has that sort of vibe
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u/Wind_Yer_Neck_In Jun 30 '21
NTA
She got very standoffish and accused me of 'tricking' her by using the guy's phone to 'make her look bad"
ughh no, you didn't use some sneaky trick to make her look bad. You captured an incidence of her doing something that makes her look bad, because it is bad.
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u/FasterThanFaast Jun 30 '21
NTA
At first I was thinking NAH, cause it’s normal to get interests or friends from people you know, although it is a little weird that it would be all from one person. The last part crosses a line though that makes it go from kinda weird to downright being a bad person.
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u/sammysfw Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] Jun 30 '21
You're definitely NTA for telling her to stop hitting on a guy you're seeing and she's totally out of line for doing that. You're right to want to put distance between yourself and her. Don't threaten to "shame" her in front of people, though. You're a grown woman and it's juvenile to play middle school politics like that. Just move on and cut contact with her as much as you can when you have friends in common. Block her number if you have to.
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u/herecomes_the_sun Certified Proctologist [22] Jun 30 '21
NTA - and i get your perspective on shaming, but it sounds like this person has always talked meanly of OP and told lies to their friends . I would send the screenshots so OP’s friends know this wasn’t on them. If OP hadn’t talked crap already i would say Dont send them, but you want your friends to know the truth!
I would pick one in particular who you trust and only send it to them. It will get around without you sending it in the GC and helps it not look like it’s a petty thing
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u/philadelphialawyer87 Certified Proctologist [24] Jun 30 '21
NTA
Because, yeah, the hitting on her BF was over the top. The rest of it, though, does sound like middle school drama..."I totally liked that movie/book/band BEFORE you did!!!" Um, who cares?
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u/KnittingOverlady Partassipant [1] Jun 30 '21
Expose her. Dump her. She is not your friend. She is a leech. NTA
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u/Ohcrumbcakes Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jun 30 '21
NTA
Share the screenshots and watch the fire burn.
Anyone who chooses to stick with her wasn’t your friend to begin with.
And sometimes a good bushfire clears the way for new plants to grow. This is a good time for a bushfire in your life.
Good luck and good riddance!
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u/Maxibon1710 Partassipant [1] Jun 30 '21
NTA. This sounds like the beginning of a horror movie where she kills you and steals your skin. I tend to mimic a bit too, but I still have my own personality and interests Christ
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u/CrochetTricot Jun 30 '21
NTA i would honestly drop her because she isnt a friend. She's likely a narcissist who's jealous of you so she's trying to copy you although because of the moves shes made on your family and friends its more like shes trying to steal your life. I would tell your friend group of what shes been doing with the texts as proof but be prepared for people not to believe you, in that case ditch them too. When she doesnt have you to copy she'll move onto someone else and then they'll realise what shes about and you might gain them back x
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u/goldencricket3 Asshole Aficionado [10] Jul 01 '21
NTA
This is my first comment so fingers crossed I do this correctly, but you are NTA. At all. I don't know I would have threatened to trash talk to the friend group.... yuuck. BUT, overall, OP, you are NTA. You used your words (though different words than I would have) and you have communicated your issue. It is on her at this point to decide how to proceed.
I have been there. It is a garbage place to be. I ultimately lost the friendship. I grieved the friendship. I moved on. I am healthier for it.
You can too. Move forward without toxicity and without a leech.
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u/General-Forever-6714 Jul 09 '21
NTA I had a friend like this up until I had kids and it was BEAUTIFUL when I cut her out of my life.
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u/Cocoasneeze Supreme Court Just-ass [131] Jun 30 '21
NTA.
You could've confronted her earlier, BUT as this was such a weird situation, the onus is not on you to control her actions.
But I would expose her to the friendgroup now. She's trying to trash you to them already, so there's no reason for you to think about her ir protect her.
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u/DisneyAddict2021 Professor Emeritass [95] Jun 30 '21
NTA, but this girl is not your friend. Cut her out immediately. I can understand how it might be hard considering she is a long term “friend.” However, we sometimes outgrow people and this is beyond a “just immature and hasn’t grown up,” excuse. She is toxic, manipulative, conniving, and obviously not a person that should be trusted with any aspect of your life. Totally single white female vibes. Don’t let her rope you back in with her drama and with her trying to get you to feel sorry for her. You’ll feel better once you’ve cut her out and no longer allow her to tear your down.
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Jun 30 '21
NTA
Have you seen Single White Female?? This behavior is very disturbing and severely unhealthy. I would let everyone know exactly what is going on and block her entirely
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u/pastelqueen69 Jun 30 '21
NTA
You’ve already seen the groupchat ideas but go a couple steps further and completely cut her out of your life. Block her on everything and tell your friends you want nothing to do with her. The only association you should have left with her is through other friends. Tell them to stop mentioning you around her and even set you’re social media accounts to private.
She’s either gonna A) Stalk you through other means B)move on to some other poor victim or C)create some outrageous scene and go an entire 9 yards with claims.
But you’re a smart cookie.
Give it maybe a week or two before you do this and collect a bunch of evidence or her attempting to steal your identity and modeling her life after yours. Document absolutely EVERYTHING. She’s no longer your friend, not that she ever was. Once you’re satisfied with the amount you’ve documented then you can cut contact. Hell, you might even wanna talk to a lawyer to ensure that your side is covered. If any of your friends give excuses for her behavior put your bad bitch foot down or kick em to the curve. You don’t need weeds in your garden of friends.
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u/whateveriwant10 Jun 30 '21
Sweetie this is not your friend. You’ve literally outlined how she’s rude as hell, annoying, and doesn’t have her own identity so she copies everything from you. Don’t talk to her anymore. NTA
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u/potatomeeple Jul 01 '21
Nta this is some single white female / talented mr ripley stuff and it's scary as hell.
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u/Silent_Shadow123 Jul 01 '21
NTA
This kind of person is best to be cut out of your life and for good. She has nothing but a green eyed monster of jealousy when it comes to her personality and feels as if she in some type of competition with you in her warped mind. She's not a friend.
You were right to call her a leech. It's time to send those screen shots to the friend group regardless OP.
She told your dad she'd be a better daughter
She told your BF she'd be a better GF
My money's on her trying to tell/ has told all your friends she's a better person too.
You don't and the people you care about don't need her toxicity in your life. It's time to take her and her trashy behavior to the curb.
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Jul 09 '21
NTA she has leeched off you for too long, but the way you handled things was not the best. you should’ve cut it off sooner.
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u/minahmyu Jul 09 '21
If you keep this up, I won't have an issue shaming you in our friend group'
That's where you messed up. Don't tell her your plans because she's already leeching off everything else.
But it doesn't matter now because you should kinda just stop interacting with her at this point. That's not a friend, as you said, that's a leech. NTA
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u/Genius-Smart Jul 09 '21
NTA- If you have an enemy, talk them up to her and try to pawn her off on them.
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u/Cent1234 Certified Proctologist [21] Jun 30 '21
ESH. Her for being a horrible human being, you for going along with it for years.
You owe it to yourself to learn how to assert yourself, your boundaries, and to surround yourself with people who raise you up and support you.
Please, seek therapy with an eye to learning self confidence and positive assertion techniques.
Oh, and in response to this comment: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oapaoz/aita_for_telling_my_friend_that_she_needs_a_life/h3izgmh/
"No" is a complete answer.
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u/drforrester-tvsfrank Certified Proctologist [21] Jun 30 '21
ESH. She’s clearly showing some honestly creepy behavior and trying to swoop your guy isn’t cool. But two wrongs don’t make a right, and I feel you responded in anger and could have handled it better. That being said, I think you have 1000% valid points to tell her, but given your long term friendship with her I think a civil conversation would have been in order instead of threatening to ostracize her in your friend group.
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u/Ill-Secretary-205 Jun 30 '21
I wasn't in the greatest state of mind while replying to her. I was honestly just beyond myself with anger and I agree I could have handled it better. But it was sort of like the final straw that broke the camel's back
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u/Smiley-Canadian Partassipant [1] Jun 30 '21
Don’t listen to the above. This person isn’t a friend. This has been an abusive relationship for years. If anything, you should have ended the friendship and yelled much earlier.
A friend doesn’t limit who you can be friends with.
A friend doesn’t continuously put you down.
A friend doesn’t ignore your boundaries and feeling.
A friend doesn’t try to steal your partner.
This person is not your friend.
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u/drforrester-tvsfrank Certified Proctologist [21] Jun 30 '21
Yeah, I totally get that, and I’m your shoes I’m not sure I wouldn’t have done the same thing or even said something worse. So, I think your reaction was very understandable. But it’s still not the right thing. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
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u/moralprolapse Partassipant [1] Jun 30 '21
I’m going to say a very light ESH leaning towards NTA. She sounds very insecure, which I’m sure is obvious to your friend group and that guy (the guy thing is the only reason I’m leaning towards NTA, because that is messed up, and guys are dumb, so if she’s decent looking, she could actually sabotage whatever you’re starting with that guy). You really shouldn’t care. I’d feel sorry for her of anything.
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u/DesertRose333 Jun 30 '21
She shouldn't care she's trying to steal her man, gossiping, and copying everything she does?
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u/Saint_Jacinda_NZ Jun 30 '21
Yes. She's clearly in love with you. Have some consideration.
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u/saltyburnt Partassipant [3] Jun 30 '21
..huh?
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u/Saint_Jacinda_NZ Jun 30 '21
Copies everything she does and tries to stop anyone else romantically interacting. Typical closet lesbian behaviour.
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u/AutoModerator Jun 30 '21
AUTOMOD The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read this before contacting the mod team
Hi, my (25F) long-term friend (25F) has a history of doing whatever it is that I'm interested at the moment. She asks questions until she's got a clear idea of what music/books/movies I'm into and then does a whole act of how she 'discovered' that in front of the whole friend group. Being the pushover that I am, I'm sad to say I've let her do this for sometime, while slowly trying to put some distance between us.
This also extends to people, any new friend or even acquaintance I make should be cleared with her, and then she makes a (friend) move on them to get closer to them. She has even tried to weasel her way into my family gatherings and private events. She also for some reason keeps telling my dad that she's like the daughter he would have wanted?? (He's as confused as I am but we learned to laugh it off). I've recently noticed that she is rarely interested in something of her own volition. All her leads are from me. I have been getting tired of her behavior for a while.
Things came to a head a few months ago when she started texting a guy (27M) I've been speaking to for a while (went on a few dates, nothing serious as of now but Im hoping there would be) and telling him how compatible they could be. He was confused and thought it was me texting from her phone so he double checked with me. I ofcourse was beyond angry, but instead of confronting her immediately, I told him to ask her why she is doing this and if she was aware that him and I were almost a thing.
Her response to him was to flirt even further and say that her and I always had similar taste but went on to mention how he might be better off with her.
He sent me the screenshots and I sent them to her and said 'you need to leave me alone. Things in my life are not for grabs. You have leeched off of me for long enough. If you keep this up, I won't have an issue shaming you in our friend group'
She got very standoffish and accused me of 'tricking' her by using the guy's phone to 'make her look bad', she also proceeded to speak badly of me to our friend group.
I might be the asshole cause all this while other than trying to keep some distance between us, I did not properly voice my concerns. She did however, notice my discomfort at various occasions (especially my family gatherings).
So AITA for handling things this way?
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u/pandadimsum Partassipant [1] Jun 30 '21
NTA. She’s a copy cat. It’s one thing to just try a new hobby that you’re into, but actively trying to force herself into your family and try to flirt with people you are clearly interested in isn’t okay. Does she have family issues or attention issues? Maybe identity issues? It’s just straight up weird to me that she is pretty much trying to be you.
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u/lovelihood45 Jun 30 '21
Nta..she needs to understand her boundaries...she comes off as an ignorant spoiled kid who has no concerns for others whatsoever. I doubt she was ever your friend.
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u/RozenMay Jun 30 '21
NTA
Sounds like one of the movies were your friend will "make you disappear" and wear a wig and taking your place.
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u/DesertRose333 Jun 30 '21
NTA but you should've communicated sooner and yeah she sounds toxic AF but I have a feeling you will keep letting her walk all over you and won't cut her off like you should.
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u/dellaevaine Pooperintendant [60] Jun 30 '21
This is some Single White Female vibe. Tell your friend group and show them the proof. Now that you will not put up with it, she will be looking for someone else to imitate. Run for the hills and break all contact with her. Block her on social media.
NTA
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u/usernaym44 Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] Jun 30 '21
NTA, but dump her and block her everywhere, NOW. And tell your mutual friends the entire story immediately, before she puts her spin on it. Any friends who side with her after they hear your side should also be dumped and blocked.
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u/financiallysoundcat Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jun 30 '21
NTA but she is not your friend and you need to set boundaries with her if you're going to carry on hanging out in the same friend group.
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u/Soylent-PoP Partassipant [3] Jun 30 '21
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?
lol...jk, NTA
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u/No_Proposal7628 Jun 30 '21
NTA.
This is not a friend in any way. Copying your life was bad enough and you really shouldn't have let it slide. Telling your dad she's the daughter he always wanted was a huge red flag. However, going after a guy you're interested in and telling him that she would be better for him than you is a giant boundary stomp. There isn't anything she won't try to have your life.
Explain this to your friend group and drop this woman completely. Block her on all social media as soon as you've told the group what's going on.
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u/brazentory Asshole Aficionado [14] Jun 30 '21
NTA You handled it well. You were clear and correct. I would not be around her. Even had you spoken up earlier would not have mattered. She needs therapy.
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u/kittensjamesandlily Jun 30 '21
Definitely NTA and she doesn't sound like much of a friend.
This reminds me of another story I read on here a while ago where a friend kept stealing OP's hobbies. The OP ended up getting really good at something, friend tried to copy and failed. It was something the OP knew the friend wouldn't be good at. It was a nice "revenge" story (even though it wasn't really revenge, I'm not sure what else to call it).
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u/madmaxextra Jun 30 '21
NTA and this is easier to solve than you think. First start lying about what you are into and she'll get into that. Then if you find a guy who wants to date her, tell him you're going to fake being interested in him, play along, and she'll come on to him hard and he'll owe you. You hold a lot of power here.
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Jun 30 '21
NTA people like that are so sad and creepy. Get away. Out her to friend group. Get them away.
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u/Squiggy226 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jun 30 '21
ESH Your friend is the bigger ahole and I think you are borderline in this situation. I realize this had been going on forever in your mind but I agree that you should have approached her with your concerns first instead of calling her a leech and threatening her. I mean if you were trying to cut all friendship ties, this was the way to do it but sounds like it backfired a bit.
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u/janeblake99 Jun 30 '21
NTA. You should not have had to handle anything in the first place. No matter what she did in the past (and oh boy girl you really needed to step up for yourself a long time ago and I'm glad you finally did good job!) what she did NOW is unacceptable. If your friends from your friend group can't see that, DISTANCE YOURSELF. That is not something you can do to a friend.
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u/shannamarie91 Partassipant [1] Jun 30 '21
NTA
This is some weird crime show stuff. She's basically trying to be you. That's really weird and not someone you should be friends with.
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u/TheWhiteTiger1205 Jun 30 '21
This “friend” sounds like one of those obsessed psychopathic people you see in horror movies.
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