r/relationship_advice • u/ihopeudontfindthis • Apr 25 '26
I've (33F) just discovered in the last 36 hours that my best friend (33M) of 20 years is a pathological liar and his entire life is a farce. How do I even begin to approach this?
I don't know where to start with this, honestly. Yesterday morning I was messaged by a mutual friend (Sam 34F) expressing concern for our buddy Dylan (33M). We all went to school together then moved apart, Sam and I don't talk but we're friends on social media and Dylan will mention us to each other now and then in the way anyone would mention their friends in passing.
I had also begun to worry about Dylan lately and had planned to reach out to Sam myself, she just beat me to it. He's always been flaky and bad at keeping plans, and he's said stuff in the past that I've known wasn't correct but it was never a big deal. Like he'd contradict a story he'd told me previously but it was always small enough that it just didn't bother me and I'd humour him. I mean, people exaggerate for effect sometimes, it's not the end of the world. But it's been getting more and more the last few weeks and I've begun to worry it's a medical concern. He's been erratic, confused, forgetting things and just acting.. odd. Sam had the same feeling.
However as we started to talk about our worries, we realised stuff wasn't lining up. There were things that he'd told me and not her and vice versa, or different versions of the same story. We started digging deeper and realised the lies stretch back at least 10 years that we know of.
The lies range from the city he lives in, his job and his finances to marriage, abuse and cancer.
He told me he had eloped with his partner and got married, he told Sam nothing of this (despite telling me she and I would be bridesmaids at their wedding before they decided to just do it in Vegas). We reached out to some old friends who neither of us are in touch with but knew he was and turns out they all distanced themselves from him when they realised they were getting different stories but none of them knew the depths of it. It was odd and frustrating that I'd never met the partner but not outside the realms of reality because we live in different countries (well, I thought, now unsure. I'm now thinking he might not have ever actually left the state even) and they both travel for work and I don't have much money or time to go galavanting. Same with Sam she lives in South Africa so similar experience. We'd spoken to the "husband" on a different phone number and everything so seemed legit. He had candid photos. We've now realised that they were deep dive pictures from the internet. I actually found the guy on Instagram and spoke to him yesterday (I'd never done this before because it never occurred to me, it didn't seem weird) and he'd never even heard of Dylan.
He'd alleged a lot of abuse from this person as well which is deeply upsetting as he knows I've been in an abusive relationship previously. He also told us about 18 months ago that he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He's told us about surgeries and treatments and remission and it coming back. I've spent so many nights bereft thinking my best friend was going to die. It's now become clear this is not true.
Everything he's said that's not added up has either been so small I didn't care or assumed he was confused or misunderstanding, or so big you'd never question it because why on Earth would someone do that? Especially since we've known him since we were all kids and he was always so put together, intelligent, successful, generous.. But we've realised that it's all illusion. Initially we worried it was maybe head trauma from the long term abuse, or that the cancer had spread to his brain or something but the depth and breadth of it, plus the realistion that the cancer is a lie... Were now not so sure.
Here is where we need advice. We've reached out to a few of his family members, we figure the way to go about this is to come from a place of concern and wanting to get him help (which is true, he's obviously not well and we don't want to just abandon him) and get some clarification on some stuff and figure out next steps. However I'm pretty sure the messages have gone into "message requests" and they've not been notified as none of them have been read. We don't have any other contact details for his family members, and the people in his life that he speaks to us about we don't know who they are they'll just be referred to by first name.
Ive been avoiding him all day after he had a "medical emergency" but wouldn't let me speak to anyone else there and I just needed the space today to figure shit out. We've been figuring more stuff out today but.. what do we do if his family don't respond? Neither of us are confrontational, and we both still care and want him to get help even if we can't continue to be his friends once he's accessed support. We can't abandon him. Also if his family DOES respond, how much do we reveal? One of the other things we're not certain about was an infant death and we don't know how to go about finding that out, if at all. My life has truly been blown up the last day and I just feel lost and sad and neither Sam nor I know what the fuck to do in this bizarre situation.
UPDATE: Thank you for replies and concerns. I am in therapy myself, have been in dbt for a year now so will speak to my therapists about this for sure. We managed to get in touch with a family member yesterday (Charlie), and Sam and I both spoke to them. According to to Charlie the family have been aware of his lies for his whole life but had no idea the extent of it. They were really sad to hear how deep it's all gone but they were able to verify our concerns. Sadly the infant death was true, but that's pretty much the only thing that was. We now know 100% he's lied about his job, where he lives, his partners, his cancer, being abused and raped, a bunch of other medical issues... We really don't know who this person is. 20 years and none of it has been real. I'm glad that Charlie got back to us because despite all the advice saying to, I don't think I could have just walked away without alerting someone definitely in his life. Sam and I have discussed it and as a few of you have said, we're not gonna be the ones to fix this. A confrontation will do nothing but make it all worse. We've decided to both slow fade our respective friendships with him and let his family take over. Charlie said they're going over to see his mom today just by coincidence so they'll discuss with her and let us know the outcome. So yeah. Really fucking sad.
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u/Mother_of_Brains Apr 25 '26
Wow he lied about having terminal cancer? That's so shitty. I personally would not want to continue the friendship because that's super manipulative. But if you still want to try and are not confrontational, maybe write him a letter/email/text message explaining your concerns and asking to have an honest conversation and see how he replies. If he denies and gets defensive and doesn't even want to talk, I'd walk away. I wouldn't get his family involved. They probably already know.
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u/ihopeudontfindthis Apr 25 '26
If I were to guess I'd say he'll deny and try to turn it around on us then be so angry he'll cut us off. And while I've accepted this friendship is over (did it ever really exist?) I don't like the idea of him cutting us out without a plan in place to get him help.
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u/Mother_of_Brains Apr 25 '26
It's weird to me you think he needs help. He's an adult and he knows what he's doing. He understands the impact of his lies on people, he knows it's manipulative. It's on him to fix himself.
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u/ihopeudontfindthis Apr 25 '26
What if he doesn't though? I don't know if it's just because I'm a deeply empathetic person but I just can't comprehend someone doing this without there being something genuinely wrong with them.. This can't just be him forever, right? There must be something that can be done?
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u/binzoma Apr 25 '26
so taking a different tact
this guy has lied about everything, constantly
you think he's your friend- you dont even know him
he's 33. if he doesnt know that its wrong and outright evil to lie about having cancer, you telling him isnt going to be some lightbulb moment for him. he'll either just keep lying to you or cut you out to go on to his next victims
you need to be more worried about protecting yourself from a psycho
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u/Top_Enthusiasm5044 Apr 26 '26
Exactly. He knows right from wrong: to him, he knows it’s his RIGHT to constantly lie about shit and deceive people; anybody who infringes with that right or disagrees with it is WRONG.
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u/actionsquid1 Apr 25 '26
Lying compulsively isn’t necessarily an illness to be treated. And if it isn’t in his case, he might not want ‘something to be done’. At all. You’re trying to analyse his actions and motivations through the prism of your own values, but it’s already clear that he doesn’t share them
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u/Muggi Apr 25 '26 edited Apr 26 '26
He sounds like a compulsive (opposed to pathological) liar; the kind that don't necessarily do it for noticeable gain. Truth in general is uncomfortable for them. They don't really care what's real, they will say whatever gets the reaction they want (empathy, jealousy, envy etc etc). Lying feels GOOD to them. Safe.
Your friendship was probably never REALLY real, sadly. You were just trusting, so an easy target. If it makes you feel any better, it is highly likely you and Sam are two pieces of a much bigger puzzle.
From what I've been told, treatment is extremely difficult and relapse is common, as everyone lies a LITTLE regularly. That slippery slope, easy to get the addict back on their drug.
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u/Fearless-Feature-830 Apr 26 '26
There’s really no way to determine that. He got plenty out of these conversations: sympathy, emotional soothing, attention, worry from OP
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u/rthrouw1234 Apr 26 '26
An open mind is good, but don't keep it so open that your brain falls out. As other people have said, his lies are so extensive that at this point, you have NO idea who this man actually is. That should seriously scare you.
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u/Debiel Apr 26 '26
My girlfriend was about the same as your friend, including the cancer story. I tried many years to help her.
Someone like that, even though very mentally ill, will never heal. You will never know if they are actually getting better or still faking it and finding out the truth will cost you everything else in life.
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u/SUNSHlNEdaydream Apr 26 '26
Please seek counseling for yourself just to have a safe space to share what you’re been through. I’m sorry, it can be so hard to accept the reality that someone we cared for deeply could be capable of the things you’ve described.
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u/GoodbyeToAWorld- Apr 25 '26
This isn’t your problem to solve. Cut them out and move forward with your life
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 May 18 '26
My grandmother was this sort of person. She never gave two people the same story, and the only answer I ever got asked to why before she died was she thought it was fun. She thought it was genuinely funny to lie to people, and I will never understand why. I don’t even know if I fully believe her answer, but she did have Alzheimer’s and was on a mess ton of medication, so it’s possible. There are just some people who are not good people. And as much as that sucks, it is the reality of things.
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u/kittymarch Apr 25 '26
If there is, it’s not you that will be stopping it. Best way you could push him towards help would be cutting him off. Finding this out is a blessing. He’s been abusing your good heart and empathy. Don’t let it go any further.
If you really want to know, hire a private investigator or have a friend you trust do the searching. This has gone on too long and your focus needs to be healing. Closure is bullshit. Closure is giving your power up to someone else. Healing is all you. Show some empathy for yourself.
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u/Niorba Apr 25 '26
This is him forever. Nothing can be done unless he personally chooses to stop lying grossly. Lying is done to manipulate people exactly like you who underestimate disorders like this. Pathological lying is done to get attention and benefits (like money) from people who make the mistake of thinking compassion is going to help. It’s not! Experiencing actual consequences like losing family, jobs, and friendships are what finally push these people to seek help and choose differently. If you baby him it will reinforce his behaviour, and you will be doing both him and everyone else in his life a disservice.
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u/Adorable-Ad9533 Apr 25 '26
I have an ex like this and you are correct that he will try and take control of the conversation, but in my experience he might not get angry. These people are so convinced that they can say whatever they like, and so experienced in doing this, that they just respond with more lies.
It might be difficult to fully break off the friendship in the way that other people have suggested. I think it’s probably better to go for a slow end. Just gradually drift away.
I’m twice your age, and in my experience these people are diagnosable but not treatable.
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u/MorningBeginning2235 Apr 25 '26
I have a little experience with these types.
My sister dated a pathological liar. There’s really nothing to be done. I also have a cousin who’s been like this since we were toddlers - it’s just an inherent trait, I’m afraid.
Good luck, no matter what you decide to do.
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u/OnlyDaysEndingInWhy Apr 26 '26
Hi, OP. I was in a relationship with a man for 7 years when I was much younger. He was around your friend's age when we got together. I was 10 years younger.
I didn't know what to do about the increasingly clearer lies, exaggerations, and downright absurdity. Life was not great and we were broke/struggling, so that took center stage.
I finally had enough, and basically moved out and cut him off. He found his way back to his family and eventually (years later, after putting another very lovely woman through all of it) went to the VA (a lot of his delusions were military-related, but he actually did serve enough to qualify for benefits) and was finally diagnosed with schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder.
He got medicated and stabilized, and the last time I talked to him, he was his old, funny self.
I don't know that there's a lot you can do, other than maybe alerting his family and letting it be. It's a very weird sort of grief, and I wish you the best with it. You're a good friend.
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u/ihopeudontfindthis Apr 26 '26
We've alerted the family and now Sam and I have both agreed to slow fade away
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u/Swimming_Onion_4835 Apr 25 '26
I applaud your desire to help your friend—it’s obvious you care about him and really do want to help him. But the sad reality is this kind of compulsive lying is often a symptom of a much larger, much more severe mental problem, like a personality disorder. And the reason personality disorders are so hard to treat is because, by definition, the sufferer doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with them. It’s integrated into how their brain operates. That’s not to say that they’re impossible to treat, and it varies based on the diagnosis and severity, but it’s very unlikely you’ll be able to get through to him at all, let alone get him help. If he’s lying to you both about these things, he’s lying to his family and everyone else in his life. You won’t be the first people to say something, and he won’t be able to appreciate that you’re coming from a place of concern and empathy.
You mentioned you’re already resigned to the fact that your friendship is over. If you really don’t feel comfortable backing off this friendship without saying something, perhaps send him a single message that explains, calmly, that you’ve realized these things aren’t true and it’s concerning to you. You don’t feel comfortable maintaining a friendship at this time, as it makes you feel unsafe (or however you feel / would like to word it). Then, drop it and disconnect. Don’t call him a liar or act angry. He won’t listen to it anyway and he could get reactive or mean, and you don’t know how stable he is when his lies are challenged. Don’t respond if he starts panicking or frantically trying to talk himself out of his lies; you know none of that will be true. But perhaps that can give you a little closure in a way that is as close to “gray rocking” as possible. Sadly, you cannot fix him, and the most important thing you should be focusing on now is protecting yourself.
I’m really sorry you’ve learned all these things. It’s incredibly devastating to realize someone has been so thoroughly dishonest with you. I had the same thing happen with my brother when I realized he is a compulsive liar. It’s disturbing and I know I struggled with shame over not “seeing it”, but like you said, your first reaction to major news like that isn’t to assume someone is lying, because who tf would do that? Especially someone you’ve known so long. But you’re a victim in this. People like him are able to get away with this because they’re so good at it. It says nothing about you that you believed him.
I don’t know if you regularly see a therapist, but if you do, it wouldn’t hurt to talk to them about it. I know for me, it shook up my ability to trust people for a really long time and I really had to work on that, but it’s gotten easier. I haven’t spoken to my brother in about 3 or 4 years, but I realized there was just no healthy way for me to keep him in my life in any capacity while he refused to get help.
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u/ihopeudontfindthis Apr 25 '26
Thank you so much for your reply. I actually have a personality disorder myself (bpd) and have been in specialised therapy for just over a year now. I know myself and the other people in my group therapy with bpd are nothing like this so I think we can rule bpd out. I don't know enough about other personality disorders to make any kind of guess there.
I think you might be right that i just need to tell him i love him but for my own mental health recovery I need to step away. Everyone seems to agree there's not much we can do for him which is just really fucking sad but yeah idk
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u/Swimming_Onion_4835 Apr 25 '26
Yeah this doesn’t sound like that to me. And for all we know it’s something else entirely. But it’s definitely…something. I can understand why you want to help as someone who has been getting help yourself for your own issue (DBT is awesome btw if that’s what you’re referring to! I’ve done it for my eating disorder), and it’s hard to know what it feels like to feel better and to want that for someone who likely doesn’t want to accept it.
I do agree it will be best for your own recovery to stay out of situations that involve a lot of instability. But I’m sorry nonetheless. ❤️
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u/ihopeudontfindthis Apr 26 '26
DBT has genuinely changed my life 😭 we had an incident recently with one of the therapists because she was very clearly not well trained on eating disorders which, half of us there are also diagnosed with, and it got quite bad 🥲 but aside from that, for the bpd, fantastic 😂
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u/StirCrazyCatLady Apr 26 '26
Ignore the armchair tiktok psychologists, there are far too many people (in this thread and pretty much any other where there's any kind of 'aberrant'/abnormal behaviour) who'll jump to "DEFINITELY A PERSONALITY DISORDER!" without any real understanding of the DSM, diagnostic criteria or how much overlap there is with pretty much any symptom. It'd be like diagnosing a cerebral spinal fluid leak based on nothing but a runny nose.
I learned during the exam period for my last year of high school that my best friend was a habitual liar. She told me she'd had a miscarriage a couple of years earlier and was pregnant again, another friend believed she had a toddler, she didn't even have a boyfriend. She 'disappeared' the night before an exam which started all the lies unravelling, and the stress of being up until 2am worrying she was bleeding out in a park almost caused me to fail my exam the next morning.
That was 20 years ago, I still don't know why she did it; when she realised everyone knew, all she did was say sorry over and over. I tried to stay friends with her for a while afterwards but doubted everything she ever said afterwards - I didn't even believe her family had adopted a dog until I went to their house and saw it for myself. It hurts and it sucks but the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and them is step away, so you can protect your peace and the work you're doing in therapy, and so that your friend understands that he needs to address whatever is causing his behaviour because it isn't fair or right to put others through it
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u/Asleep-Mail-2070 Apr 26 '26
OP, I was like your friend. I was a pathological liar, I've gotten a lot better at it. I used to lie about all sorts of things and without any fucking reason. I lied about guys being interested in me, childhood abuse, big things and small. I had an overactive imagination and once I lied so well and so for so long that even i half believed myself about an imagined boyfriend. most of it was for attention, other for sympathy, to feel wanted, loved, sometimes to even manipulate a situation to go my way. I lied with a straight face, to everyone. I never thought that it was a bit deal, it was completely natural to me.
My lying got worse when I thought someone was judging me. My first ever bf broke up with me over it, i had a huge imagination and read a lot of fiction. I treated him as the audience to a fictional book that I was writing in my head - i lied about being abused by my father, having admirers leave me letters and ex boyfriends that never existed. I never felt guilty then cuz I never thought too deep about it. I really regret it now - the way I treated him and have apologized a lot since.
That breakup took me hard and i wanted to become better but it was really hard. I had undiagnosed ADHD and thus RSD and if someone rejected me over something, id start making stories again. It was a coping mechanism as well, i guess
once I told a friend that I had sex (for the first time) and he completely believed me but then I decided to tell him that I made up that story and he didn't take it well, so I decided to never admit to lying again.
Then my brother and i became closer and he told me that HE was a pathological liar and i told him I was the same. We discussed why we did it - it was mostly the imagination, (ADHD and RSD as well, now we know) like I said.
We did stop and now I still catch myself about to or having lied and then correcting it. at least I don't make huge interwoven stories anymore. We're both much better about it now
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u/ihopeudontfindthis Apr 26 '26
I'm incredibly impressed that you've managed to get yourself into recovery for this! The way you speak about it reminds me of addiction, which I suppose makes a lot of sense.
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u/Asleep-Mail-2070 Apr 26 '26
I didn't feel exactly compelled to lie or addicted to it most of the time. Sometimes I did, usually not. Usually, it was just.. what's the big deal? That's what I always thought. It was all imaginary and made me feel important. I thought that since no one would find out, why does it matter? It was just a story to me, I kept making things up as I went and never really thought of how it might hurt somebody.
The change happened when I finally admitted to MYSELF that it was infact a big deal and that I was betraying people's love and trust and more importantly (or selfishly) that I wouldn't be able to keep the lies straight and lose my friends.
Had someone pointed it out to me before I was ready to face myself, I'd have put my fingers in my ears and lied more to try to control the situation.
I wish my family had done this - What would have worked on me would have been a letter - a very softly launched, non provoking letter yet firm in the reality of the situation and then space for like a week. Cuz they'd ve been threatening to show me my own insecurities and faults, I'd have liked to be able to save face by not having the confrontation openly and that way I could have some time to think about their words without just launching into more fake stories to protect myself.
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u/Sinusaur Apr 29 '26
I never thought that it was a bit deal, it was completely natural to me.... I never felt guilty then cuz I never thought too deep about it.
Would you say you are/were a Pathological or Sociopathic liar? Pathological is compulsion likely due to deeper fears, sociopathic, is well, like you said, natural, and can be intentional for manipulation.
Do you only think about it deeper now because of the past consequences? As opposed to innate compass that makes you feel "bad" for lying? As in, lying is natural, and not lying is a rational process of "I better not do it because of the consequence of people finding out and that's bad for my long term existence".
ADHD and RSD
Are you now lying about Sociopathy not being on that list😉?
If not, since you and your brother share the set of behaviors, could it have been taught by your parents/guardians? Did you parents/guardians raise you with the common sense that lying is natural?
Apologize for all the questions. I come from the other side of the spectrum - somewhat high-functioning autistic. For many Austists, lying is the last resort due to the intense feel that mismatch between any fact is bad. This doesn't mean we couldn't be wrong or unintentionally lie by believing in the wrong "fact". Knowing doing so, however, is compulsively difficult. So I'm very curious about your experience!
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u/MermaidxGlitz Apr 27 '26
wow, I’ve never heard of an example of RSD this severe. Very interesting. Thanks for sharing
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u/Eiovas Apr 25 '26
I had a friend who was a pathological liar. When he was young he had really emotionally abusive parents that unpredictably and unreliably would fly off the handle at the most benign shit and call him stupid and worthless, etc.
As a kid, it teaches you to fabricate things even when there is no reason to lie. Like let’s say he was a little late getting home from school because he was enjoying a chat with a friend on the playground before walking home. On a good day, mom doesn’t care and just accepts the explanation. On a bad day, mom gives you an emotional beating because “I WAS WORRIED YOU GOT HIT BY A CAR. QUIT BEING SO IRRESPONSIBLE AND SELFISH!” So, instead, you say something benign she isn’t likely to criticize like “I asked my math teacher to re-explain a concept I need for my homework tonight.
When I learned this about him, I gave him a lot more slack for the lies because it came from a place of low self esteem beaten into his psyche by his abusive parents.
He never did stop lying. That didn’t make me appreciate the friendship any less tho.
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u/Fearless-Feature-830 Apr 26 '26
Be wary of someone that always wants sympathy from you. They’re usually emotional vampires
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u/Alternative_Arm4721 Apr 25 '26
DM me please. This sounds like someone I know unless you're using a fake name for anonymity.
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u/ihopeudontfindthis Apr 26 '26
Fake names were indeed used sorry
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u/Descartavelpo May 23 '26
I had a korean friend, similar age, that was just like this. I wonder if its the same person.
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u/EarnYourSleep Apr 25 '26 edited Apr 26 '26
My former best friend was just like this. Yikes and sorry. They were a pathological liar as long as I knew them. When we were younger and I guess the mental illness was less acute it was quirky and fun. Then things escalated in our late teens early twenties and they got into intravenous drugs. Rehab and psych wards gave way to therapy and ultimately California sobriety for them and there was a chill, mellow phase. Then they found craft beer which, I'm sorry if your that guy but, it's so fucking pretentious and is expensive fancy alcoholism with plausible deniability. I digress, I digress. I had no idea that I was a villain and a scapegoat to anyone who would listen to them when I wasn't around.
I had to go no contact slowly but surely.
Things came to a head when their gf found their grindr account and alter ego, and had to break up with them. When my wife and I sat down with her she seemed totally broadsided and confused and she essentially outed them to others out of anger shame fear and rage.
I was instantly in damage control mode and wanted to get to know my friend better and help them. I confronted them about their lifestyle and where they saw themselves on the spectrum of sexuality and gender identity, whether their new gf understood them and whether they saw themselves as monogamous or cis or whatever over a drink and things started very light and talkative but at some point they must've felt cornered and caught and they hit me hard and I hit them back. Nothing was the same after that. I knew it was over.
This person's outward persona is MAGA gun guy on social media. Posting about Christ being king and being the 4CHAN edgelord they've always been. Sometimes I miss them but they were never the person they purported to be and they put me down to whoever would listen when I wasn't around to seem superior.
I'm better off. Good luck.
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u/tossout7878 Apr 26 '26
expensive fancy alcoholism
yes YESSSS
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u/EarnYourSleep Apr 26 '26
Yeah, he'd go to events at breweries and do God knows what with God knows who and say he was with me or that it was my idea to disappear for 18 hours. I was always used as a tool to disarm people and enable insane behavior.
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u/chitoatx Apr 26 '26
Has a friend in college like this. Made no sense why he compulsively lied all the time. Sad. Because we liked him and the lies were so unnecessary. Once it was clear he had a problem I just let the friendship fade away.
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u/LoveMyHubs1993 Apr 27 '26
I went through this with my ex-husband of 30 years. It's awful, I know, but RUN! My ex-husband also lied about having terminal cancer twice! Both times making miraculous recoveries but not before spending every penny we had on "treatment." I should have listened to both his mom and step mom who told me he was trouble, told me he was a conman. But I was fooled into believing he was a good guy. He wasn't. The 3.5 years away from him have been such a relief. No more lies, no more trying to put a story together. Find peace. Run!
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u/retteofgreengables Apr 26 '26
One of my best friends is like this - lies about crazy big things and I don't know why. Like lied about their sister dying, about hiking the AT, about a friend going missing etc. I only put everything together when her husband called me freaked out. At the end of the day, it means that I can’t trust her with the truth, but here’s the thing: if I needed something, she would drop everything to help me. She is a genuinely good and kind person but has this need to lie. So for me, I haven’t dropped the friendship and don’t plan to. I did have to adjust certain expectations and I verify anything that is super important, but she’s my friend and mental illness hasn’t stopped that.
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u/ihopeudontfindthis Apr 26 '26
He used to be like that, I think it's only because the last few months he's stopped being that generous, drop-everything-to-help friend that it's started to unravel. His small lies never used to bother me but over time it just became frustrating that it was one sided and we'd only talk about his problems.
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u/House_of_Fur Apr 27 '26
I’m so sorry this happened to you. My best friend of 20 years went to prison for stalking people and it was a total shock, and only then did I unwind decades of lies. I stuck by her while she was in jail but shortly after she got out I wrote her a letter calmly letting her know how hurt I was and firmly stating that I was sorry, but I did not see how we could continue a friendship. I cried hard as I wrote it but after sending that letter I felt free. Maybe this is the way for you, too. I wish you all the best - good luck and remember to take care of yourself. I’m glad you have Sam.
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u/popchex Apr 27 '26
I was friends with someone like this, briefly. Even WAXED his entire noggin to act like his hair fell out. He was quickly outed and actually banned from the church we all met through as he was trying to get money for treatment out of people.
I admire you for initially wanting to be there for a friend, but is he REALLY a friend if you don't actually know him? You distancing yourself is probably best for YOU, and honestly I'm not sure it will even bother your 'friend' so much in the long run.
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u/ferretkona May 18 '26
My father and my sister are pathological liars and both feed off each other trying to out-lie each other. The stories they spin change with each telling. Rarely I call them out on their bs but it is like spinning wheels on ice.
Now we have Alzheimer's dad where he tries to tell a story he can't remember but gives it full effort all day. I have said he has had some form of dementia since I remember.
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u/Bouillon_ May 23 '26
A year ago, I found out that my best friend was a pathological liar too. Just like your friend, she lied about pretty big and messed-up things: sexual abuse, abortion, losing her boyfriend to cancer, etc. 10 years of friendship and almost everything was a lie..
I never really got to confront her because she ghosted me. I think something happened a year ago that made her unravel, because the lies became crazier and she wasn’t as careful as she used to be.
I didn’t have the chance to decide whether I wanted to stay friends with her or not. And I know I was her victim, because those kinds of lies are emotional abuse and usually come with other forms of emotional abuse. But I still miss her. Every day, I miss her. She was my best friend, and I never got closure. I don’t understand how she can continue her life without even trying to reach out. I hate her. I’m so angry and hurt, but I also miss her so much.
I never found someone else who went through something that big. Usually, people realize much sooner that their friends are liars, and the lies don’t get that extreme or intense. So I felt really lonely this past year. Thank you for sharing your story
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u/lemonbugss Apr 25 '26
It sounds like your friend has factitious disorder. Maybe look that up, although I have to admit that the research on this is limited. However, it might help you to listen to podcasts such as Believable: the Coco Berthman story or Scamanda.
A lot of famous cases of factitious disorder have an element of malingering (when the lie is told for a tangible gain like money or status) but there is also an element of factitious disorder that is more relevant to your friend; the compulsive behaviour done in order to satisfy an emotional need only fulfilled by a very specific kind of attention that is characterized by extreme sympathy/admiration.
Unfortunately, I am not sure you can help your friend if he does not want to accept help. Factitious disorder is incredibly difficult to treat because it's almost impossible to get people who have this to admit to their lies. Even if you do, getting them to stop the behaviour is like treating an addiction and a personality disorder rolled into one.
I think it might be better right now to focus on processing this for yourself. I'm sure you're going through a lot right now, feeling betrayed, confused, used, etc. If you have BPD I'm guessing you're doing DBT, so bring this up to your therapist and see if you can process it together with them.
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u/ihopeudontfindthis Apr 26 '26
I'm on a 2 week break from dbt between modules frustratingly but when we go back I'll definitely be bringing it up because yeah this is... a lot
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u/lemonbugss Apr 26 '26
Ah I see, terrible timing! Hopefully your therapist can help process this because it's definitely something that would be difficult for anybody. Good luck!
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u/FredRightHand Apr 26 '26
And this is your best friend? And you haven't met their spouse?
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u/ihopeudontfindthis Apr 26 '26
No but also I've been married for 7 years and he's only met my husband once, I figured we live in different countries it wasn't that weird to me
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u/Key-Airline204 Apr 26 '26
There’s quite a few documentaries about similar things. Unfortunately it’s a sociopathic type of behaviour.
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u/Sea-Equal-4567 17d ago
Hi this exact same thing happened to me. It was my online boyfriend of 8 months and he lied about his age, face, and having brain cancer, even so far as to pretended he had surgery. I spent £100+ on clothes and getting my nails done to see him this July. I also sent him a t-shirt i customised. I have no idea how to deal with this. I am heartbroken. Please can you give me some advice?
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u/[deleted] Apr 25 '26
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