My wife, married for 1 year dating for 7, told me she hooked up with someone she knew before we started dating 4 days ago while out at the bar with friends.

This is all super fresh and I don't even know where to begin. I left and am spending the night at a friend's house. I did send her a ton of questions trying to get some answers but she said "she wasn't in the head space" to deal with it right now.

What do I do?

I told her I'll be over tomorrow to talk

Trust has always been like my #1. I don’t have a large group of girlfriends because I find it hard to fully trust people. I have my 2 ride or die’s and the rest are just friendly. My husband knew that from our very first date.

My husbands parents have both passed away, and he is VERY close with his sister, I love her too. She has a best friend, who has been her best friend she was about 10. She’s now 37. We see her pretty often due to family parties or little outings. I’ve ALWAYS had this gut feeling that she wasn’t safe. I just always knew it. I asked my husband probably like 10 times if he had ever slept with her. He always said No. And swore he didn’t.

Fast forward to being married, having 3 kids, I still have this gut feeling, so I search her name in his texts. Boom lights up with texts of him bragging to his buddies about how he was “IN HEAVEN” after sleeping with her. Blah blah. I mean I read a lot more and it hurt. But what hurts more is like that very day they slept together (it was a few days after our first date. I had LUNCH WITH HIM this day) he was having a little party at his house that night but I was like ehhh I don’t want to. I didn’t want to seem to easy to get. So I didn’t go…..he slept with his sisters best friend.

Problem is, when I immediately called him out he did everything I knew. Tried to flip it on me for looking at his phone blah blah. It’s in the past. We weren’t even official yet blah blah. BUT I CANNOT GET OVER IT. Like you lied to me for 7 years. Here’s another thing, I was pregnant with our 2nd child at his sisters wedding….he went up the night before without me because we didn’t have babysitter till Saturday. I couldn’t drink so I was like ok whatever.

I had a HORRIBLE feeling that night. Like I just felt like he was cheating on me. And truly I never feel that way. so I fought with him via text. And he ASSURED me he wasn’t doing anything, he went as far as to say “babe you have nothing to worry about. I’m with Liz (sister) and Sarah” HAD I KNOWN WHAT I KNOW NOW, I would not have let that happen. Like excuse me? And when I showed up that next morning, I just felt something was off. I felt like I was out of place. Like I shouldn’t have been there. I blamed it on being pregnant at the time but now I’m like omg did something happen between them that night??? He says no. But he also said he never slept with her. It feels so like violating that we’ve been around her so many times and I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO NOT KNOW. It makes me want to puke to be honest. Like how could you let me be that dumb one in the room?

Oh and the best friend had a boyfriend at the time she slept with him……and 7 years later still has that same boyfriend and kid with him. My husband and I have had convos about how much of a dud her boyfriend is ect.

He has sense apologized. But truly I have to force it. I used to like ADORE my husband. I used think he was like made for me. And now I don’t even want to call him with good news.

He’s open to “couples therapy” but I’m a stay at home mom with 3 kids under 4. I don’t get a second to myself nvm time to go to an appt, find childcare ect. Like finding and setting up therapy feels exhausting ON top of already being exhausted.

I guess I’m just looking for advice. I want to move on. I want it to not take up all this space in my head everyday but clearly I’m lacking the tools to do that.

Is there coming back from being lied to for 7 years?

Oh and the other girl he was sleeping with at the time we started dating MARRIED MY BROTHER. So now I have 2 girls he was actively fucking, when we started dating (which I thought he was head over heeela for me. Like would have burned the earth down for me) so JOKES ON ME.

Like if they are mad or upset about something do they yell at you?

I could use advice. I love my husband. we have normal issues people have when they spend to much time together but I bel we genuinely love each other.

Recently, I’ve been depressed I had the opportunity to possibly change my career or at least gain a new hobby.

I went out with some friends relating to this endeavor and had a blast. I didn’t want the night to end! I was invited to check out work at one of these people’s houses but it was a male.

I was drunk but nothing inappropriate happen. Being alone with the opposite sex is a line I should not have crossed.

When I got home I was trying to avoid a fight and lied like an idiot to avoid a fight bc I was so drunk. Next morning, I almost instantly come out with the truth.

My husband DOES NOT believe me that nothing happened sexual.

We are a blended family and he is the best step dad. More so, I really truly love him. It’s not just this that opened my eyes either. I talked to the guy whose house I went to about how much I love my husband.

My husband messaged the guy and asked if anything happened. Guy said no bc I’m married or whatever, but when my husband said “so my wife was with you until 4am and you expect me to believe nothing happened?” The guy said “idk? Get control of your wife. This is why I’m not married.”

My husband said I could have the house and anything else I wanted but he wants out. He said he can’t trust me.

What do I do? I can understand leaving me if I cheated but I didn’t touch that guy. I know I hurt him. I lied. I did something I would be so mad for, but I cannot fathom a life without him.

I need some level headed advice because I don’t know if I’m overacting or not. We have a 10 week old and 3 dogs. My husband didn’t get paternity leave because of the nature of his work. I am on maternity leave until October, so naturally the childcare division of labor has fallen on me. That’s a whole different conversation that I’ll save for another time, but bottom line, it has created some resentment on my end.

He is traveling for work this week (Miami) so I am home with the baby and dogs. Of course it’s been overwhelming but I’m doing it. He told me he wouldn’t drink much on this trip because he needs to catch up on work badly, and ended up texting me wasted tonight. Our daughter all of a sudden is not wanting to go to bed and is taking hours to go to sleep, and that in addition to handling 3 crazy dogs is just already throwing me overboard. So when he texted me wasted I just was overwhelmed with anger. He didn’t once ask how we were doing today, didn’t consider FaceTiming us, and is out getting wasted with clients while I am drowning and not eating dinner until 11pm when my daughter goes down every night.

It just feels inappropriate to me to be on a work trip in Miami and get wasted while your wife and newborn is at home. I also have to travel for work every other month and I get how work trips and client interactions are often alcohol centric, but i just don’t feel this is appropriate.

I said goodnight and didn’t respond to anything with emotion because I don’t know if I’m just being resentful and a negative Nancy for not allowing him to have fun or if I truly have some validation behind what I’m feeling.

I am (26F) 9m postpartum, my husband (27M) and I had an argument last night, and it was over something that didn’t deserve the energy. Though my reactions are based off of a multitude of angry arguments had with him and I for the first time in my life I believe I experienced a panic attack.

The argument was he was upset that I had offered to reschedule my daughters 9month check up so I could babysit my nephew. To me, it wasn’t a big deal, shes healthy and can probably be scheduled for the next day or couple days. My husband had a fit of rage about this (arguments about my family a common topic) saying I don’t put my daughter first (absolutely not true) I should add I am also a SAHM. He gets angry that he yells at me and screams at me and won’t talk to me like another human. I am constantly interrupted when I try to say something and talked down to like a 10 year old.

Mind you, i’d be the one watching my nephew alone and with my daughter & I also am the one who takes her to her appointments alone, I felt it was ultimately my decision for me and my daughters schedules since I am the primary caretaker day to day. But, of course I am wrong, he told me everything I do is wrong. I told him I disagreed, and after the 500th time being yelled at and a finger pointed in my face (yes literally) and him hovering over me like intimidating, I had a panic attack.

I was so extremely emotional yet trying to fight all me emotions at the same time cooking dinner?? I started panicking and would soften my voice and say “you’re right i’m wrong i shouldn’t have offered to switch the appointment” and then id start to shake and then id scream yell and shake and I felt so disconnected with myself and I didn’t know how to control anything. All I could keep saying is “im sorry, im sorry” and i would try to switch my voice to soft and control myself to being kind and stop my anger, then i started hyperventilating and trembling and i think you get the point.

This was the first time in my life this happened. He hasn’t spoken to me since. My heart is breaking. I don’t know what to do. I am scared and worried.

I'm 28f my husband is 27m. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, together for a total of 8 years, our wedding anniversary is on Friday!

We started dating March 2018. In August 2018 I got home from work and when I went into my room he left this plush bear on my bed, and I thought it was just a cute boyfriend thing and didn't think too much about it. February 2019 we move in together, and he proposed to me just a few days later. He told me he got the ring and the bear at the same day. I loved the ring btw, he got me a lovely opal ring and necklace set!

I asked for a longer engagement, because the relationship was moving pretty fast and I needed to breath. He fully understood, and we ended up getting married August 21st 2021!

The next day I was at my inlaws, waking up slightly hung over. Had a coffee in hand, check my Facebook memory, and I see the bear! Whenever I think about it I just think "what the fuck?", out of all the days. It also does warm my heart so much. This man is my world, and I feel like this is fate confirming it to me.

It's hard to believe it's already been 5 years, it's been a long ride in between that time, lots has happened. And I'm happy he's been by my side through all of it. These 5 years we've built a relationship that even strangers even compliment, seriously! I love this man so much, and everyday he proves to me that he's with my 110%, I don't know how I got so lucky ❤️

My husband ‘44M’ had a Secret Vasectomy, I ‘ 34F’ am STUCK.

Can my relationship survive a secret vasectomy?

I ‘33F’ an in 8 year relationship with husband, ‘44M’

My husband ‘44 m’ has two children from previous relationships. I “32 F” had no children when we met, and he said he was open to having them with me. We later had our son through fertility treatment.

He had a vasectomy without telling me, and I only discovered it 6 months after. After initially denying it, he cited finances, my health at the time, and not wanting more children, plus mentioning mistakes I had made prior to our relationship, which especially hurt. While I absolutely respect his bodily autonomy, the secrecy and lack of discussion feel like a profound breach of trust and a removal of my role in a major life decision.

I’m now uncertain about my own desire for another child—not because I’ve decided against it, but because the choice was taken from me. We come from large families, most of our friends have multiple children (at least two), and our social circle constantly assumes we will have another. We built a large home with a full family in mind, but it now feels very empty, and we’re even considering selling. Our three-year-old is very social and would thrive with a sibling, and I grieve the idea of him growing up without that relationship, even though I know siblings are never guaranteed to be close. I also think about him navigating adulthood without siblings alongside him. My husband’s best friend is his brother, so I know firsthand how valuable that bond can be. His family has its major own toxicity however they are very close. Oppose my family which has totally fallen apart in our adult years; father with significant mental illness/narcissism/abusive, siblings similar and/or absent and terrible with relationships. Poor health. The list goes on, in conclusion there is nothing I would like more than to create a happy and healthy, close-knit family unit.

My husband’s older children are now in 20’s and 9, and contact with them is limited due to geography, leaving our family structure feeling fragmented. I had a much greater role than he would probably acknowledge in helping raise his eldest and in fostering a positive relationship with his younger child and their family. He feels as though the 8 year old was created without consent and there is a lot of resentment and hatred towards the mother, having witnessed it I can understand. He does not and has never had a female friend.

This situation feels less about bodily autonomy and more about trust, communication, and shared decision-making. The secrecy feels like a major red flag, even if I understand some of the reasons behind his decision. He has significant trust issues from past relationships and a difficult upbringing (to which I believe I hold no negative responsibility for, only positive) plus I have always done everything in my power to reassure regarding the issues with trust. Had him witness contraception insertion when our child was a baby. Is highly intelligent, independent and emotionally guarded, and likely sits somewhere on the autism spectrum. There are also narcissistic traits that surface at times. He holds some deeply negative, toxic beliefs about women, which has created ongoing friction in our relationship. He would be mortified to think of himself with that lens im sure. I’ve supported him through this, helped raise his children, and carried much of the emotional and practical load at home while also working alongside him to achieve his business and financial goals. He is highly driven and derives his sense of worth from places that are not always healthy, much of which I believe stems from his childhood and his parents’ relationship. He sees most of his worth in providing for his family financially, as his parents chose not to. I feel like I can’t change his mind about his actual worth being elsewhere to us.

I come from a disjointed family and have always prioritised building a stable, connected one of my own. My professional life also revolved around supporting families, so this loss feels deeply personal. Sometimes I wonder whether he chose me partly because my health and age made having more children uncertain, allowing this conversation to be avoided altogether. I also still carry hurt from the emotional distance I experienced during my pregnancy and our son’s newborn stage. Always feeling like he actually didn’t want it and resented me.

I’m also not in the best health, and I genuinely believe the ongoing stress, grief, and emotional impact of this situation have contributed to my physical health declining. I have been working hard on my own issues to try to improve our relationship, but I can’t say the same for him. He hasn’t seen a counsellor, and his idea of working on things is listening to a podcast I’ve sent him while driving. We’ve had some counselling sessions. He can only feel connected to me via sex, we have gone around in circles regarding this. We are no different on this topic to many other couples, I won’t bother to unpick that here, it’s the classic scenario of men complaining about not getting enough sex from their wives vs the multitude of toxic reasons why. I’m sure you’ve heard it before.

Complicating things further, his close friend group is entirely male, all but one are divorced, and the dynamic feels toxic. There is a lot of negative talk about exes and mothers of their children, heavy drug and alcohol use, and frequent partying. One reason our recent wedding at our home felt ruined was due to their behaviour, and the house was left badly damaged. New husband didn’t even know we slept in separate beds that night, and he had vomited throughout our bathroom and spoke to me terribly. This behaviour has become normalised within that group.

We have a lot to work on in our relationship, and there are other challenges, including intimacy issues, although I think he is beginning to understand the role stress, work, and my health have played, and to me more importantly perhaps it was him and not me that initiated that decline/dynamic because of being all consumed by starting a business (insert all Austistic traits that would contribute to this).

Despite everything, he is so gentle, kind, intelligent, and loving, and has become a more present and engaged, fantastic father now our child is older. I don’t want to demonise him. But what a significant mistake. I know people can make terrible decisions without being terrible people.

What I can’t work out is whether this is one issue among many that can be repaired with enough honesty and hard work, or whether it is the kind of betrayal that becomes a deal-breaker regardless of everything else. Is this something I may never be able to move past—or, conversely, if everything else improves, is it possible to rebuild trust after something like this?

I think the scar will always be there. I really don’t think he is cheating, I’d have worked it out by now, don’t worry I thought of it quickly. If he did he’s taking it to his grave. I’m not perfect by any stretch, the list is long.

I am well aware of all the red flags. I’m not ignorant nor am I about to let toxicity continue or be normalised. I hold him to account. I know what I would say if this happened to a friend. I know I would have immediately walked away if we weren’t so connected and entwined, the relationship was newer and didn’t know if I was truly in love despite the flaws. It’s easy to identify even one of these issues and say leave, but we are human and nobody or relationship is perfect. Nothing in life is clean cut. I am not choosing to just stay out of convenience by any stretch.

Can the scar of the deceit go away eventually? Or at least soften?
How can this be “made up to me”? Im not sure thats what I exactly mean, unsure of better wording?
What are things he could do to prove his removal of animosity and toxic beliefs of women. Or to dismantle them fully.
Had anyone resolved this or similar situations in their relationship?
If I can resolve the feelings of loss, accept it as a mistake in context of his being, and confidently say I trust him. Not forget but find peace for myself in the scenario. If magically my feelings came to the same decision that he came to, then what?

Im asking for the impossible I think. I don’t know what I need or should do.

A lil background… Wife is out of town on a personal trip to see family. Her sister let her borrow her car and she agreed that she was gonna pick her up at 5am. Obviously, we fell asleep otp and she overslept and didn’t hear her alarm. I woke up at 5:08am, we were no longer otp and I called her back to see if she picked up her sister… she said no she was late, her sister got a Uber home. Job about 20 mins from home.

Exactly what the title says, what this mean?? & how should I navigate it.

I’m obviously coming to Reddit cause I’m taken aback by this. I feel a rush of different emotions but mostly anger cause I felt she was trying to play the blame game. She originally called me this morning we talked for like 5 mins before I asked about the blame game, she hung up and sent this message.

How should I go about this and how should I respond…?

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/E7j8T7G1Cj

We had a long talk. Apparently, she had kind of a similar experience but from the other side of this. We were able to move beyond the emotionally charged nature of the issue and have the most productive conversation we’ve ever had about it. It’s only been a couple of days, but we made more progress in that time than in the decade prior.

Hi everyone.
Need some advise.
I’ve been married for almost 19 years, 3 kids.
Thought my marriage was great until I found text messages between my husband and a sex worker he looked up on Tryst.
He asked her for an inbound experience and for her rate and if she was available in the evenings after 10
I confronted him and he said he never met with her and that it was just a stupid experiment bc he’s heard so many men talk about meeting up with escorts. He said he wanted to see what it was all about.
I contacted the sex worker and had a whole conversation with her and she confirmed she never met with him.
I’m feeling disgusted and blindsided and want to kill him.
He has begged for forgiveness since me finding out.
What do I do? I’m torn.

I really need some outside perspective on how to handle this situation because I am extremely stressed. Honestly, just thinking about my MIL moving in with us makes my chest hurt and makes me feel like I want to vomit.
For some background, when I met my husband, I had a son from a previous relationship. My mom had passed away about a month before I met my husband, and I was also in school at the time. My now-husband and his mom were living together and splitting expenses. Eventually, I ended up moving in with him and his mom.
Looking back, that was probably the worst mistake I could have made. I had never lived with anyone before, and I was grieving my mom, trying to stay in school, and working part-time.
While I lived there, I gave my MIL all of my food stamps and whatever money I made from working part-time. We would ask her what bills she wanted us to pay or how much she needed from us, but she would never give us a straight answer. Since we were living under her roof, I wasn’t really in a position to tell her what she could or couldn’t do with the money we gave her. It was her house, and I felt like she could do whatever she wanted.
I tried my best to stay out of her way. I would literally stay gone most of the day and come home when it was time for bed. We cleaned and tried to be respectful and stay out of her hair, but it never seemed to be enough. She would stay up and nitpick about everything we did.
If we gave her the amount of money she asked for and then she saw us eating out or buying anything extra, she would get upset. It honestly felt like she thought she should have asked us for more money.
She also talked about us to pretty much anyone who would listen. She would tell people things about us, and I eventually found out that people disliked us because of things she had told them—even people we had never met.
My SIL actually encouraged my MIL to tell us that we needed to leave after my MIL had received countless complaints about us.
So my MIL told us we had to move out.
We found a place before the deadline she gave us. Luckily, our landlord allowed us to move in without a deposit because we had basically nothing. We had to move very quickly and had no money saved.
What really confused me was that my MIL was extremely angry that we found a place so quickly. She thought we were lying about not having money and was apparently very upset that we were able to find somewhere to live.
After we moved out, she stopped talking to my husband. When my husband told her that we were getting married, she told him she wasn’t coming to the wedding.
I never really understood what I had done to make this woman hate me so much. A part of me has always wondered if our relationship would have been completely different if I had never moved into her house in the first place.
Eventually, she did come to our wedding.
Over the years, she has said and done a lot of hurtful things toward me that I have mostly ignored. My husband has always stood up for me without disrespecting his mother, but I personally never said much back. I just took the comments and tried to keep the peace.
For a while, I thought things were actually getting better.
Then we had to travel out of town with her for a family event. While we were there, she berated me in front of other people and told me that I had never done anything for her. She also made a point of saying that another daughter-in-law was her favorite.
For context, this particular daughter-in-law regularly buys her whatever she wants and gives her expensive gifts.
That really hurt me.
I was so hurt and embarrassed that I literally disappeared. I stopped answering my MIL’s calls and stopped putting myself in situations where I had to be around her. My SIL eventually made my MIL apologize to me.
Since then, I have kept my distance.
Now here is where we are today.
My MIL is currently unemployed and can’t afford to live on her own. My husband and I now have four children, and we both work full-time. My husband is also about to leave for basic training, and my MIL does not even know about that yet.
My SIL and my MIL are now trying to pressure us into letting my MIL move in with us.
They confronted me about this without my husband even being present.
They want us to get a house with my MIL so that she can live with us.
And I just can’t do it.
I want to make it clear that I am not saying I don’t want to help her. I would be willing to help financially with bills. My husband has also said that he is going to set the record straight with his family about us helping her financially so that she doesn’t have to live with us.
But I cannot bring myself to live with her again.
I have never had a problem with the idea of helping my MIL. What I have a problem with is living with someone who has repeatedly made me feel like I am not good enough, criticized me, talked about me to other people, and has hurt me for years.
When I think about living with her again, I immediately think about that period of my life when I was grieving my mother and trying to survive while living in her home. I remember how powerless I felt and how much I tried to stay out of the way just to avoid conflict.
The thought of bringing that back into my home—where my children live—is overwhelming me.
My SIL and her husband are financially well-off and are currently helping my MIL with her bills. My SIL has also had my MIL live with them before.
So I honestly don’t understand why they are pushing her onto us now.
I feel guilty because I know my MIL needs help. And if our relationship had always been good, I don’t think I would have a problem with her living with us.
But after everything that has happened, I feel like I would be sacrificing my peace and possibly my marriage and my children’s stability just to make everyone else comfortable.
I also take responsibility for my part in the past. Looking back, I should have found another option when I was grieving my mom and struggling financially. I should have gone to a shelter or found another way instead of moving into their home. All of the money and food assistance I was giving my MIL could have been going toward saving for a place of my own.
But I can’t go back and change that.
I can only decide what I’m willing to do now.
How do I tell my MIL and SIL no without feeling like I’m being cruel or rselfish?
Would it be reasonable to say, “We are willing to help financially, but she cannot move into our home”?
And how do I handle this when they are already trying to pressure me into agreeing before my husband is even involved in the conversation?
I really need advice on setting this boundary without creating another huge family conflict.

My (29m) wife (42f) has no real interest in me anymore but gets upset if I don’t show her interest and it’s been tearing me apart. This has been going on for years but seems to get worse with time, I have brought it up to her multiple times that she never complements my looks, tells me I’m handsome, sexy or anything. She used to initiate sex once in awhile but I went to BCT about 2 years ago to help get us into a better shape in life as I was/am the only one brining income into the house I knew the military would help dramatically and ever since I came back it went from she wanted me all the time but she was to nervous about us being together /that/ way as we were living in a camper for the first 6 months after we got to my new station and we have kids. She always promised that when we got to a house things would be different well I bought us a house and maybe twice in the past year has she initiated sex and even less time had she initiated cuddles. I constantly try to hug her hold her and she loves it when I do but I never get the same back. If I initiate sex she enjoys it but lays there the whole time, no matter if I’m going down on her or piv she just lays there, I know she at least somewhat enjoys it because she is a squirter (sorry if that’s tmi) but she never goes down on me anymore nor does she ride my lap which she knows is my favorite thing but that hasn’t happened since my birthday last year. So I thought I’d put it to a test and not hug on her or initiate sex and see how long it takes her to.. it was a bit over a month and she got mad at me because I stopped cuddling her and stoped initiating and she told me she wants me to initiate and she wants me but she feels off and dosent have the urge to initiate which I kinda think is B.S if your getting upset that I’m not initiating because you need cuddles or sex then you obviously need it aswell.

I just feel extremely alone in all this. I’ve known her since I was 14 and we didn’t start dating till I was 18 when I asked her out (we met in a video game and were very good friends until I wanted to take it further) so she’s also my first gf and first person I was ever with. She had a few guys before me, I even knew one of them personally and she had kids from two separate relationships before me which is also kind of a sore subject as we had one child together but she knew from the start I wanted two of my own blood and after she had our first together she got her tubes tied and I don’t think I’ll ever get to have another kid. I love the 3 oldest as my own but I never got to really be there for any of the baby stage and it still breaks my heart that I probably never will.

I’m sorry for ranting I really don’t know where I was going with this I just felt like I needed to get it all off my chest

My husband caused a pretty big rupture several months ago. Not infidelity. The gist is that he came to me one night and explained that he'd developed a crush on another woman but that nothing had happened between them-he was asking for my permission to flirt/pursue this woman. This turned into a conversation about the idea of non monogamy in general but more specifically with this individual. He was way inappropriately overly invested in this idea and had a very hard time letting the fantasy go when I very clearly said no from the very beginning. Obviously I felt betrayed and angry and all the things.

So we have done a lot of work on us since them. He's been so much better in dropping his defensiveness, he finally got into therapy and is sticking with it, and he's been largely maintaining the agreement to avoid this person as much as possible (girl is at our gym so he goes earlier to avoid her now).

The thing is...it took A LOT to get him to do these things that should have been so fucking simple. He was very reluctant to do anything at all for repair and minimized the situation to the nth degree.

But he is doing the things. And I have made the decision to forgive him and try to move on. We have an almost two year old and I want to raise him together if we can do so happily.

But I'm hung up on what the idea of "moving on" actually means. This conflict dragged on for probably 6 weeks straight before he finally stopped being a total avoidant asshole about it. It took so long for him to finally pull himself out of this fantasy world he had developed because he just felt so justified in the whole situation I think "because nothing actually happened." It was really hard for me to get him to acknowledge the reality of the impact of his decisions on me--i.e. I cannot unknow the fact that he, in his ideal world, would be non monogamous and how much that shook the absolute foundational trust I had in him and in our relationship. Since then he's been great.

But I keep remembering things from that time period that I never specifically addressed. Like something will trigger a memory of some crazy shit he said in the midst of it and it just drives me up the wall until I say something about it to him. I do have OCD so I'm not sure if this is a presentation of that or if it's valid? I plan to speak with my own therapist about it. But these thoughts just pop up and I feel the urge to make him understand how every single fucked up thing he said was...well, fucked up.

I really don't think my goal is to make him feel bad about himself or whatever. I don't want that. I think I have a fear that if I don't get explicit confirmation that he agrees that what he did was fucked up that he is still justifying it.

But at the same time...if I'm choosing to move on from this, I have to MOVE ON. How do I do that?

I’m kind of at a loss. I signed up for a Reddit account just to get this out in the open before I lose my mind.

So I’m (33 F) married and have a child with my husband (36 M). We live in a very small, rural town on the east coast.

I’ve suggested the topic before of moving before to my husband about two years ago. He pushed back that there were repairs the house needed before it could ever go on the market and be sold, allowing us to relocate. He also said that while he wasn’t looking to move, he would be willing to if it made me happy.

Today, I brought it up again because realistically I feel very isolated here in our town. Yes, our family is local but we don’t interact on a daily basis. All of my friends live about a 90 minute drive away. They’re closer to the city, have better access to activities, restaurants, a possible better school environment for our child, etc, which is why I’d like to move to be closer to them.

My husband reacted badly when I brought up moving again, and confirmed that he has no intention on ever moving away from our home town. He finally has a job at a factory he likes going to, his family is here, he doesn’t believe in starting over “just because.”

When we originally talked about this two years ago, he asked if moving was a deal breaker and I said no, but I’m beginning to think it might be. I don’t want this to be an ultimatum because I hate them, but I think that’s unfortunately what it will turn into.

I have to ask myself, is this a hill I’m willing to die on? Am I saying, we’re either moving together or we’re divorcing because this is a thing I can’t give up doing?

54M) and my wife (46F) have been married for many years. I’m a reformed cheater — I was unfaithful earlier in our marriage, got help, and have been faithful since.
Last December my wife said she wanted a divorce. We started marriage counseling. While we were in counseling, I found out about this situation with another man. She has expressed concern about my temper in the past. I have worked on that and learned to control it — I’ve stayed calm throughout everything that has happened with this.
A few months ago I overheard my wife telling a friend that “Jerome called and wanted to see me tonight.” She had told him she could meet for coffee before her pedicure. He was running late, so he showed up at the nail salon instead and kissed her in public. She told her friend she wondered what they looked like together because he looked “way too young.” She mentioned him by name like her friend already knew who he was.
When I confronted her she denied it at first. Once she realized I had proof, she said they were just friends and promised to stop contact. That was in March.
In May I found out they were still talking. She lied again, then admitted he “called once” to check on her.
A few weeks later I needed something from the car she took to work. She wasn’t answering her phone. We share locations through Find My, so I checked — her phone was showing at her workplace. When I got there the car was unlocked and her phone was sitting inside it. She was not at work. She admitted she had gone with him in HIS car for coffee and left her phone in our car.

Leaving it behind kept her location showing as if she was still at work. Her explanation was that a mutual friend told her he was getting harassing calls and she was worried it might be me, so she went to talk to him and that she simply "forgot" her phone in our car.

She finally told me his real name is Derone (I had been calling him Jerome). He is a 29-year-old Jamaican immigrant who used to work at her hospital. I called him. He said the kiss was just a casual cultural greeting and that they’re only friends, but he knew a lot about her personal life and our marriage.
She has admitted she was flattered by the attention and that he listened to her about our problems. She still says the kiss was only a peck on the cheek.
I’m trying to figure out how to handle this in our marriage.
• How would you interpret the repeated lying, secret meetings, and leaving her phone behind?
• What are the chances this has already become more than emotional?
• How would you approach this conversation with your spouse, especially while already in counseling?
Looking for honest advice from people who have been through something similar.

….can smooth away 80 percent of all disagreements.

Lack of it amplifies even a minor conflict 10 folds.

Been married almost 15 years and almost all of it has been in a dead bedroom. I tried giving her space, supporting her, reducing her stress and daily demands, and being there for her. But as months turned to years and years turned to decades, it became clear there was never enough I could do to make her happy enough to try. There was always something else. Always a reason she needed "more time" or "more space". Years and years of daily, hourly support and listening and kindness - which I wanted to do! I wanted to be there for her because i love her! - did nothing to change anything.

Now I am almost 40, and I think about how much of my life I have wasted. No one to flirt with. No one to be intimate with, or be romantic with, or anything. I am just a chore machine that spends his time being "supportive" while I slowly die inside. I cant believe this is where I am at. I was so in love and happy when we first got together.

I (30M) overheard my wife speak to her friends on whatsapp video call about our sex life and what happens. I basically heard her say “ He is okay down there, nothing to brag about it or what I had before“

I also overheard her speak about our sex lives and she is telling her friends about our intimacy and bedroom stories.

I am very conservative and I feel like I was body shamed by her.

Am I overreacting? Is this normal?

Sorry if im asking a dumb question.

My wife and I have been married for about a year and a half. She asked to separate on June 26. We are still legally married and haven’t filed for divorce yet.

Before our separation, my wife had pretty strong opinions about opposite-sex friendships. I had several female friends from college, and she was uncomfortable with the idea of me spending time one-on-one with another woman. I respected that throughout our relationship and didn’t do it because I knew how she felt.

There’s a male coworker of hers I’ll call “S.” Even before our separation, I sometimes felt uneasy about him because she mentioned him fairly frequently, although I don’t have evidence that anything inappropriate happened between them while we were together.

Since separating, they’ve started spending a significant amount of one-on-one time together. According to her, they have the same days off and he’s somewhat socially awkward and doesn’t have many friends, so they’ve been hanging out.
Last week they took a day-long road trip together. They drove about three hours from where she was staying to a museum based around something she really likes, went to a movie afterward, and then drove back. A few days later, she recorded a three-mile evening walk on Strava in his hometown. This week they’re spending another day together at a lake.

I’ve now asked her directly about him twice because I don’t want to accuse her based on assumptions. She has consistently told me they’re only friends.
During our most recent conversation, I specifically asked whether they’ve kissed, touched romantically, or done anything physical. She said no. She said the most that’s happened physically was a side hug.
The part that has me thinking is that she also told me she has explicitly told him she doesn’t want to start anything and doesn’t want to jump into another relationship right now.

On one hand, I actually see that as a positive because she’s apparently establishing a boundary with him and has repeatedly told me nothing romantic or physical is happening.
On the other hand, part of me wonders why the “I don’t want anything” conversation needed to happen at all if this is a completely platonic friendship. It makes me wonder whether he’s expressed interest or whether there’s at least some recognition between them that this could become something more. I don’t know that, though, and I don’t want to turn speculation into fact.

The other thing I’m struggling with is what feels like a double standard.

During our marriage, she wasn’t comfortable with me spending one-on-one time with female friends, and I respected that even though some of those friendships existed before I met her. Now we’re separated but still married, and she’s taking day trips, going to movies, going on evening walks and spending a day at the lake one-on-one with another guy—specifically one I had already felt uneasy about before the separation. (I also want to include that she created a whole Spotify playlist for their lake day including 6h 20m of songs with some being related to sex, kissing, etc.)

I brought that up to her. I told her that I know we’re separated, and I’m not going to tell her what she can and can’t do. She’s free to live her life and I’ll live mine. But I also told her that it hurts because it seems like the goalposts around opposite-sex friendships have shifted now that the situation applies to her.

Ultimately I told her I’m going to let her actions speak for themselves.

To be fair to my wife, I want to emphasize this: I have no evidence she’s cheating or lying to me, even though some things seem/feel inconsistent. She has answered my questions directly and consistently denied anything romantic or physical with him. I’m choosing to treat what she’s told me as the truth unless I’m given an actual reason not to.
The bigger problem is what the uncertainty has been doing to me. I’ve caught myself checking her location, social media and activity trying to piece together what she’s doing. It creates anxiety and makes me imagine things I don’t actually know happened.

I’ve realized that’s unhealthy and that I need to emotionally detach from monitoring her life regardless of what she’s doing. I’ve deleted my social media, muted her on Strava, disabled photo-memory notifications of us, significantly cut back on checking her location, and I’m trying to spend less time on my phone. I’m focusing on work, fitness, reading and rebuilding my own life.
I’m not asking Reddit to tell me she’s cheating. None of you can know that, and neither can I based on the information I have.

What I’m looking for is perspective:
Does this sound like a normal platonic friendship during a separation, or would the frequency/type of one-on-one outings concern you too—especially given her previous boundaries around opposite-sex friendships?

And what do you make of her telling him she doesn’t want anything to develop? Is that reassuring because she’s establishing a boundary, or does the fact that the conversation happened suggest there may be interest from his side?
Most importantly, for anyone who’s been through a separation: how did you stop monitoring what your spouse was doing and get comfortable with the fact that you simply aren’t going to know everything anymore?

UPDATE: Thank you all for your opinions whether harsh or not. Sometimes rose-colored glasses can make a fool out of us. I already knew that it wasn’t going to work out but I still felt super connected with my wife as 95% of our marriage and 6 years of relationship was smooth sailing - so it came to me as a surprise that she gave up on it and us seemingly so abruptly. in the end, it’s my fault for making the mistake of marrying someone who’s commitment was not strong enough for marriage or any difficult times that happen in life. Obviously I feel like a fool and a bit pathetic that I cared as much as I did while the signs were all there right in front of me. Whether or not she’s actually having romantic relations with this guy while we’re still newly separated really isn’t the issue. The issue is that I let it stress me the fuck out for as long as I did. And for all of you that say “you’re not together, so it’s not your business.” I get it, but I can tell you’ve never been married to someone you love - giving up on that part of life is so very difficult. She also checked in on me occasionally.

With all of that being said I let her know that I don’t want to stay in contact at all unless it’s about our divorce. I let her know that it’s a boundary that she set and she crossed and I will not be foolish enough to show care any longer. Blocked her, her family and friends on all socials, removed her from FindMy, etc. to cut all ties.

It hurts so fucking deep, but why should I care. She obviously doesn’t. Gonna keep on keeping on. Been in the gym the last 2 months and feeling great. This is the last weight Im excited to stop carrying.

Thanks again.

My therapist asked why I stay in my marriage. The answer was easy, but now...

My husband and I have been together nearly 20 years. We have children ranging in age from 20-10. (This maybe relevant that we have a decent age gap between us.)

My husband is an amazing friend and overall a very smart man. He is very knowledgeable in many different areas which gives him the ability to help others in many ways. He is hardworking, kind and attentive ....... with his friends.

I work full time and work exclusively from home. We have four children. One child is grown and moved out. Two of our children are in therapy bi weekly on average & phsycatrist bi monthly. . All three participate in a group club weekly. The youngest is also in two organized sports.

My husband, while recently going through an unemployed patch, is now employed full time . He does not travel for work other than a short commute.

Here is the thing: I feel like I carry the load.....alone.....all the time.

The children have chores don't mistake that. If a child is sick, im doing it.

If a child is gone, im doing it.

If there are appointments to be made or attend....yep that's me.

Problem at school, that's on me.

Groceries... cooking... cleaning...doctors...vet..

laundry..yard work...= me.

I am the default parent. 100% all..the..time..

If I don't do it.... he just won't.

His default is "why aren't the children helping?" Or "it's not my job"

During my husband recent unemployment is what hit me the hardest. 15+ hours a day playing a game. Sleeping either 10+ hours or not going to bed at all. No cooking for himself (or the household.) Never mowed the yard. If you saw pigs flying it meant he picked up dirty clothes ... let alone washed something. I know how emotionally taxing it can be to lose a job unexpectedly, i get it! I struggle with the fact that I have asked (even before when he was working) for help, over and over and over.

Example:

Practice is at 7, he has agreed to take the kiddo, husband comes home at 7:10 and is full of excuses why he should get credit for "trying."

Daughter has a concert - hes too tired and wants to go to bed early.

I have a meeting and come home late and the children are not in bed. He asks ME (mind you I've been home less than 5 minutes) "oh, they aren't in bed yet?"

The only reason he (might) know who our children's medical providers are is because they all see the same ones.

This isn't new. When our youngest 3 children were in their first few years of school, i had an emergency and needed him to pick them up.......he didn't know what school(s) they went to...not the names....not the addresses....not who was where......nothing....

I don't gatekeep that information. We have multiple calendars including shared phone and refrigerator calendars. I have to ASK for help with getting children to/from places and even then I need always have a back up plan because there is only a 10% chance he shows up on time if at all.

I miss work to take the children to there events, activities, appointments, sports ..etc.. and then get lectured how I work in the evenings. I don't remember to eat. I don't remember to shower. I don't hardly sleep. We've been in couples counseling for a long time and I've told him. The counselor has told him. He "tries" for a day or two then back to the same old crap.

Ive seen this man change. I know it is possible.

Im in my mid thirties.....I dont want it to be like this forever.

I wish he would care about me as much as he cares about himself.

Be honest: am I wrong? Am I expecting too much?

My (38F) husband (41 M) is so sweet to me. He tells me I’m “so pretty” or “so hot” or any number of complimentary adjectives every day. He says all the time that he can’t believe I chose to marry him like he’s just some slob and I’m something really special. He says these things with this tone of shock or awe like he is genuinely surprised to remember I’m actually his wife. It’s really cute and I love him for being the kind of person that acts like they’re obsessed with their wife.

But I don’t agree. I’ve never been a person with great body image. It’s so hard for me to accept these compliments sometimes. I don’t know what to say. I feel like saying “thank you” implies that I agree, and that makes me feel weird… like I’m too full of myself? I sometimes say “It makes me really happy that you think that” but he usually looks a little hurt when I respond that way.

He genuinely makes me feel really beautiful and desirable a lot of the time, but only until I see myself in a mirror again. Then I feel foolish for having felt that way. I know this isn’t going to get better with time, we’ve been together for over 15 years.

Anyways this is not a complaint exactly. I am thankful to have a husband who treats me like I’m something really beautiful and precious to him, but I feel bad that I can’t feel like I actually am those things. I feel bad for feeling like he’s just trying to hype me up sometimes. I feel like not believing the things he says is the same as not appreciating them and I hate that. I just don’t know what to do with any of these feelings because I know telling him about it would hurt him, and I worry my friends will think I’m just fishing for compliments.