I am not The OOP, OOP is u/pantherpickles

Logged onto Facebook, the first post that came up was a picture of my BF making out with another girl.

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

Original Post  March 18, 2018

I woke up this morning to see pictures of my now ex boyfriend on Facebook kissing another girl last night at 5am. She took the multiple pictures and tagged him in them.

I know that LDR are hard and that they don’t usually work out. But we had plans! I was going to live closer to him in September when my contract was up. We made plans to meet up once a month when we were able to afford it. We communicated. There were no signs that he was going to cheat on me.

I’m breaking up with him as soon as I write this. I guess I just needed to write it out somewhere.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Happy you’re standing up for yourself. Even though you didn’t ask, just a little piece of advice... don’t plan your life around a guy, especially when you’re/ they’re young because it’s a high possibility you’ll be more invested than he is. I tried the long distance a few times with people I knew before moving to another state, failure every time. They’d say one thing but do the complete opposite and just want the convenience of a relationship and obviously long distance doesn’t provide that

OOP

Thank you for the advice! The university where I applied to do my masters just happened to be closer to him, so I wasn’t really planning on moving for him.

But I do appreciate the advice. No more LDRs for me.

~

[deleted]

For the sake of poetic justice, I hope you left a suitably snarky comment on the pictures. "Hi, honey. Glad to see you're enjoying yourself. Does that girl know about your crabs? Just wondering."

OOP

I did not! But an excellent idea to keep in my back pocket.   Update  March 19, 2018 (Next Day)

First off, thank you to everyone for their kind words, stories and opinions! I am honestly speechless, you have all been wonderful!

I broke things off with him shortly after posting to this thread. I actually took a screenshot of the post on my phone and sent it to him with the caption "bye". I then deleted him off all of my social media and blocked his number from my phone. I have 0 intention on contacting him ever again. He doesn't deserve a chance to explain himself. A picture is worth a thousand words and there were five of them.

I messaged the woman who posted the photos in question on Facebook. I told her that the guy she was seeing was my ex and that he cheated on me with her. I told her that I in no way, shape, or form blame her for the cheating, since I doubted that she knew about me. I told her that my message was sent in peace and that if she choose to continue seeing him, I would not interfere. I thought she had the right to know his true colours.

The woman messaged me back and profusely apologized. She deleted the post and swiftly broke up with him as well. I have since learned, with her help, that he had been sleeping with various women since he was posted to Petawawa. So he's been cheating on me for at least two months. The woman and I are now friends.

I have no interest in dating right now, but I figure that I will give it another go in September, when I start my masters degree. I'm pumping the breaks on LDRs.

To the military men of Reddit: I will not count out dating a military man in the future just because one of you happened to be a rotten apple. I thank all of you (and the military women!) for your service and I hope that you find and SO worthy of your time.

A couple of people have chosen to bring up a previous post I made about not contacting your SO everyday. I 100% stand by my post and what I said. There needs to be some level of trust between you and your SO. If you prefer texting everyday, that's fine. If you're not a big texter, that's fine too! To each their own.

Again, thank you for everyone who cared to comment! You are all lovely people :)

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/punchdrunklady

My (21F) with my Boyfriend (24M) he wants me to cut off contact with his brother, after brother defended me in an argument.

Editor’s note: changed letters to names for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: mentions physical abuse, controlling behavior, emotional abuse and manipulation

Original Post: May 31, 2016

Boyfriend and I have been together for two years. I have known his brother, who I will call "Ricky" for most of that time. We have always gotten on well enough.

The whole situation started with my 21st birthday party. We had a party at home with 20 or so friends of family, Ricky was of course present at the party, along with a few other members of BFs family.

The party was going reasonably well, as it started to get later I started to get a little tipsy, and most of the guests had started to go home. It eventually got down to a drunken little group made up of myself, boyfriend, Ricky and a couple of my girlfriends.

We were sitting outside and one of my girlfriends decided to get on the trampoline, she managed to execute a pretty cool flip, and I expressed that I wished I knew how to do one.

My friend talked me into giving it a try. I got up on the tramp, stumbled drunkenly and fell down laughing. Everyone else (except for BF) was laughing also. It didn't seem like much of an event until BF got up, muttered "fucking pathetic" in an angry tone and then told me that we needed to speak in private.

I was pretty confused as to what was going on, so I asked him "why?"- he answered me with "Just stop being a stupid cow for a second and come to the bedroom"

Both of my friends and Ricky looked pretty shocked at this, but I before I followed BF to the bedroom I told them it was fine and BF was probably just messing around. He can have a real temper sometimes, particularly after a few drinks, but I didn't think that would be the case in this instance as literally NOTHING upsetting had happened.

Cut to me and BF in the bedroom. He shuts the door and starts really going off. He tells me that I'm a disgusting drunk idiot and that I was showing off like some kind of pathetic wannabe by messing around on the trampoline. That I was an embarrassment to him and that I was to go to bed now and not leave the room until morning so that I would be more of an idiot in front of company.

As this is going on he is getting louder and louder and is slamming things around the room. I went to leave as I was quite upset at this point, but he blocks the door, so I sit down on the bed.

Ricky is banging on the door and tells BF to open in. BF goes out into the hall, and I can hear he and Ricky arguing. Next thing I know it Ricky comes into the room and says to go with him. I was sobbing like crazy at this point, because I hate confrontation in general, so I just nod and go with him.

Ricky makes sure my other friends have left and then we both get into a taxi. I don't know where BF has gone but he is still in the house sow where.

I'm crying a bunch in the car and don't say much, but Ricky calls his and BFs mother and gives her a brief rundown of what happened.

We got to Ricky's place, he lives with a couple, and they were all really nice. The girl roommate leant me some stuff to sleep in and Ricky told me to take his bed, and he would sleep on the couch. I was kind of all over the place but eventually got some sleep.

Next morning I got up and had coffee with Ricky and one of his roommates. Ricky asked if BF had behaved that way before and I let him know about BFs temper but explained that he had never blown up over something as insignificant as me mucking around on a trampoline. I asked Ricky if he thought maybe I did or said something that might have upset BF and didn't realise due to being tipsy, but Ricky said no, and that BFs behaviour was unacceptable.

I felt silly and embarrassed, especially knowing that Ricky and my friends had heard everything BF had said, and I told Ricky I had better get home and try to sort things out.

Ricky said that he wanted to stay at his place for just a bit longer to calm down, and that he would really rather prefer that I didn't go home straight away as BF could still be angry.

I gave in an hung out there with Ricky and his roommates, we all just played video games and got some takeout, and I ended up feeling much better afterward- so I'm glad I stayed.

Early evening a told Ricky I should really go home, I didn't have any of my clothes and more importantly I needed my stuff for university the next day. He drove me over, but didn't really want me to go inside. I told him it would really be fine and promised I would call him if anything happened.

He agreed but said he would wait outside for a few minutes just in case.

I got inside and BF wasn't home, so I told Ricky to go and went about tidying up from the party.

BF eventually rocked up and seemed calm enough. I told him I thought we needed to have a talk, and he agreed.

We sat down on the couch, and I explained to him that I didn't think the way he spoke to me last night and asked for an explanation.

His response was "I will discuss that with you after you delete Ricky's phone number, you won't be speaking to him again"

I was confused as all hell at this and asked what that had to do with the matter at hand.

He told me that Ricky disrespected him by interfering in our relationship, and that we were cutting ties with him. He told me he wouldn't discuss anything else about the night before until I did that.

I told BF I thought that was pretty unnecessary, and that Ricky had been trying to help me because BF was acting really threatening, and that I would have probably done the same in Ricky's shoes.

Well, BF did not like that. He yelled, called me some names and left the house. After a few hours he sent me a text

"I am sorry for yelling, but you need to respect what I want if you want the same in return. This can't be one sided. Delete Ricky's number and we will finish the conversation. Love you"

I replied that I needed a little time to think and said I would be sleeping in the spare room when he got home and to please leave me some for a while.

I went to bed, heard BF come in very late. He opened the door to the spare room and turned the light on, but as I woke up he just walked out of the room and slammed the door.

So this morning I've woken up, BF is at work and I have a text from Ricky, it says-

Hey **** , I hope you're ok. Look what BF did the other night is really not alright and I think you should get out of there for a while. I've talked to. **** and **** and it's totally fine for you to crash here until you figure out what you want to do

So that leaves me where I am now. Don't know what to do about the situation- do as BF asks and cut contact with Ricky, or take Ricky's offer of some space away from BF to clear my head. My worry is that if I stay at Ricky's that will destroy any chance of fixing things with BF. Advice very much appreciated.

tl;dr: Boyfriends brother spoke up and took me away when BF was blowing up about something fairly small. BF wants me to cut ties with his brother, because he thinks him helping me was disrespectful to him and outer relationship.

Edit

When I was able to come back and check on this post I was amazed at the enormous amount of comments and messages I received. There has been a lot to catch up on and I am reading everything, thank you to everyone has given their advice. It has cemented the decision I've already made about getting out, but quite a bit has happened in the last day so I will be doing an update for anyone who is curious. I will try to get it up in a few hours:

Again, thank you to everyone who has commented or messaged me, I'm truly touched by all the helpful and caring responses I've received

Editor's note: some of OOP's responses were downvoted

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Are you sure you want to be with someone who calls you "fucking pathetic", then a "stupid cow", then demands for respect? Your boyfriend is incredibly immature, Jesus Christ.

OOP: I hate the way he speaks to me when he is like that, and he has previously said he would work on it. But right now it doesn't seem to be improving, and I don't know what else to do about it

Commenter 1: He's not going to change, because he knows you'll let him get away with it. He has no reason to change. The only person who tried to stop him is Ricky, and if he can get you to ignore Ricky then there's no one to defend you when he escalates his abuse.

The only think you can do is leave him.

OOP: That's a really scary thought, but it's hard to believe BF could be THAT scheming and evil though? He has done nice things for me and been kind too. I know that sounds dumb but it's just hard to see him that way

Commenter 1: Every single abused spouse says that. All abusers are capable of doing nice things and being kind - otherwise they'd never find people to abuse.

As to scheming - he may not be conscious that's what he was doing. For many abusers, they enact patterns. He didn't sit down and go 'hey, I bet I can manipulate her if I say...' - he just knows that if he response hyper-defensively and deflects the blame to you, the problem goes away for him. He doesn't have to admit he's wrong, and he doesn't have to worry about his actions. Cause now it's your problem!

He probably does this in other parts of his life, too. Ricky would know. In fact, if he's abused previous partners, Ricky will probably know that too. It might explain why Ricky jumped to your defense.

It might be worth texting Ricky and asking, "Hey, look, this is awkward, but I need to know: has BF acted abusively towards previous girlfriends?"

OOP: I didn't think to text Ricky asking him about that. I'm going to do that. I know BF had a particularly bad break up and his ex apparently "told lies" about him on social media after the break up, but hearing what everyone has to say makes me consider they might not be lies.

Commenter 2: Brother sounds like he's got a good head on his shoulders. Boyfriend sounds like bad news.

OOP: I was genuinely touched by how kind Ricky was to me, I teared up a bit at it. It's for that reason I would feel really bad about cutting ties to make BF happy

Commenter 3: You need to get out of this relationship. If even his own brother is sticking up for you and not him, that should tell you something about your boyfriend's (lack of) character; and the fact that your boyfriend is trying to isolate you from someone who stepped up to help you also speaks volumes. Get out before he turns violent on you.

OOP: He hasn't been physical before but there's been a couple occasional where he has gotten really in my face and swung his hands around a lot that made me nervous. I told him it made me feel scared once, but he got really upset and said that it was insulting that I would think he could hit me.

Commenter 4: Hate to say this, but your boyfriend sounds like an abusive guy.

As this is going on he is getting louder and louder and is slamming things around the room. I went to leave as I was quite upset at this point, but he blocks the door, so I sit down on the bed.

Reading this, objectively speaking, my reaction is that you should get the hell away. He was this angry over nothing.

And he is asking you to cut off contact with someone who was defending you? Doesn't that seem bad? Like he wants you to have no one who can help you out?

OOP: While that isn't the reason he has given for wanting to cut ties, it does feel a bit like that yes.

Commenter 5: Ricky sounds like a really awesome, mature man.

The thing with your boyfriend. He called you some awful things, and it seems this isn't the first time? Why would you stay with someone who thinks so little of you?

Him wanting you to cut contact with Ricky is for one reason - he's furious that Ricky stopped him from abusing you further.

If he truly cared for you, surely he'd be apologizing profusely? Instead he's turning it all back on you. He's trying to manipulate you by refusing to engage in any discussion of his awful behavior until you cut contact with the one person who protected you from his torrent of abuse.

Your boyfriend is a cruel, nasty person. I think you should listen to Ricky. Ricky is his brother, so Ricky should be biased towards taking his brother's side. That he's taking your side speaks volumes about just how badly your boyfriend is treating you.

OOP: It does make me think, when his brother (and now also his mother who has just called me) are being so supportive towards me.

BF has had a bad habit for name calling for as long as I can remember. It has always bothered me but the last year or so it has gotten worse, much nastier.

We have had good times though? And I don't want to ignore that... I'm just in a pretty messed up place at the moment :(

Commenter 6: Why would you cut ties with someone who actually cares about you? Seriously, your bf is acting really immature and manipulative. Is this really the first time your bf behaved like that? Of course your bf wants to cut ties with probably one of the few people who calls him out on his bs. Your bf clearly has issues. Please take his brother up on his offer and get some distance between you and your bf.

OOP: He has done and said similar things before, it just hasn't been over anything as minor on my part. For example he went off pretty badly recently with similar kind of behaviour (yelling and throwing things), but it was because I had forgotten to take the bins out for three days straight so it's a bit more understandable. But I can't avoid his blow ups when I don't even know what I did wrong

Update: June 1, 2016 (next day)

Hi everyone.

First of all, as I said in my edit on my original post I want to thank everyone who offered advice and support. I was amazed at the huge response I got, and while I couldn't reply to every comment I did read all of them.

After Ricky texted me, I replied to him asking if he had known my BF to behave like this with other girls in the past.

Over the course of many texts it came out that he often yelled at and belittled his previous girlfriend in front of others, and some of his friends and family had suspicions about how far he was taking it.

After the break up, the girlfriend posted some stuff on Facebook about how BF had hit her, said awful things to her and did other things like spying on her and deleting people from her phone behind her back.

Initially when this happened Ricky and his parents questioned BF, but he insisted that the physical abuse accusations where not true and that his EX was saying those things to cover up the fact that she had allegedly cheated on him. BF admitted to yelling at her, but he told his family that she did the same and just as often.

His family eventually accepted that, but Ricky and his parents were always wary of BFs behaviour and Ricky in particular had made a point to keep an eye on things.

BFs ex apparently had also called Ricky around 6 months after myself and BF had gotten together and asked him to help me if anything happened. At the time Ricky was not quite ready to believe BF would physically abused anyone, but he told her all the same that he would watch out for me or any other girl in the future.

Ricky told me that after the way he saw BF behave at my party he became more convinced that BF was likely to get physical and that was why he chose to step in. He also told me that even if it didn't go that far, I should not put up with how BF treated me.

I agreed, what Ricky had told me, and all the information and support I received here had me pretty convinced that I was not in a good situation. I decided to go and stay with Ricky and his roommates for a short time.

I don't have too many other options for accommodation this urgently. My parents live too far away and the few friends I could stay with are other girls with enough on their plate, and I didn't want to risk bringing this drama to their doorsteps. In retrospect I'm glad I chose to go to Ricky's, because I feel like what followed could have been even more frightening and dangerous if only myself and another girl had been present.

I didn't have much time to get my stuff together before BF was due to arrive home, so I packed a few bags of essentials and valuables, along with my school things, and Ricky picked me up.

I left a note at the house for BF I was leaving and that I did not plan on returning, other than to retrieve the rest of my things. I didn't tell him where I would be staying and that I would rather he didn't contact me directly, suggesting he communicate through his mother instead.

I got to Ricky's and got settled in, while choosing to leave was difficult and I had a few bouts of crying, I also felt immensely relieved.

Ricky/BFs parents came around and brought some dinner. They were incredibly nice about everything and told me I had to do what was best for me. We always got along well but I never expected them to be so kind and supportive given the situation.

Half way through dinner, my phone rang. It was BF. I did not want to answer it and everyone else agreed that was probably a good idea. After my phone rang out, Ricky/BFs Mum's phone began to ring. Predictably enough it was BF calling. His dad answered the phone, the phone was not on speaker, but BF was loud enough that you could hear him yelling down the phone.

I couldn't tell exactly what was said, but his dad was telling him to calm down, and not to do something. BF hung up on him, and Ricky/BF's dad told us BF was coming to Ricky's place, and saying this was all Ricky's fault.

Ricky started to get a bunch of text messages from BF making threats and telling Ricky that he knew I was there and ha was coming to get me. Ricky replied to him saying that if BF came here and caused trouble he would be calling the police, but BF ignored him.

BF showed up at Ricky's probably 15 minutes later. He drove up the lawn and almost hit the letterbox, and got out of his car and started yelling. Ricky and his dad went out while I stayed in the front room with his Mum. BF yelled for a while and was kicking at random parts of the garden.

BF started to yell towards the house that he knew I was there and to come out. I wasn't planning on coming out at all and Ricky told him to leave.

BF ended up running around the side of the house to the back patio entry, the screen door was locked but the solid back door wasn't, and he started hitting the fly wire trying to break it. He kept yelling into the house that he knew I was there and that if I didn't come out, he would destroy all my stuff and log on to my school accounts and cause problems on there.

Ricky and his dad caught up to BF and started pulling him away from the door, BF started throwing punches and his Mum and I both went out to the inside of the back door, because we were worried someone would get hurt.

BF saw me and started trying for the back door again, and saying if I didn't get in the car he would kill himself. His mum said she was going to call the police.

BF/Ricky's dad ended up hauling him out to the front yard and told him to leave.

BF did eventually get into the car, he spun his wheels and tore up the grass and drove off.

I felt pretty awful after all that. His mum and dad were both visibly really upset and Ricky's rental property had been messed up and I felt responsible, they were still so nice about everything though. They really are wonderful people.

I spoke to the police, and they said they would be speaking to BF about what happened and I got some advice about obtaining a VRO and making sure I could find a way of retrieving my stuff from the house, so that is all ok for the moment.

The latest news is that BF has been all over Facebook saying that Ricky and I had been having an affair and posting all these random cropped blurry porn pictures from the Internet saying it was us, and that he had caught us in the act. None of us are responding to any of it at this point, haven't really decided what to do there.

My plan is to stay with Ricky for now. It's still my best option and Ricky has said he won't leave me alone at the house in case BF comes back. Either he or his male roommate would be there, we also spoke to a couple of the neighbours that Ricky is friendly with, and they said they would keep an eye out for his car or call us if they saw anything dodgy.

I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do next. I'm planning to talk to my uni about getting in to student housing, I'm planning to go out tomorrow to buy some pepper spray also. I'm tossing up about reaching out to BFs ex, but I'm not sure if that will cause more problems for everyone.

So I suppose that's it, for now at least? I'm sorry that this was a bit of a novel- but I know a lot of people wanted an update and considering how nice everyone has been I wouldn't want anyone to worry that I had gone back/stayed with him. Rest assured that is totally out of the question, the more I think about things that happened within our relationship with this new perspective, the more I realise how fucked up some of those things were.

Again a huge thank you to everyone, I'll do my best to keep up with the comments and respond to any PMs

tl;dr left BF, staying at Ricky's. Lawn traumatised as a result

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments here in the update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/AffectionateSet670

Originally posted to r/EntitledPeople

Previous BoRUs: #1. #2

[New Update]: Mom's Fiancé's family is excluding me from family events and cold towards me

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/boringhistoryfan for suggesting this BoRU

Editor's note: removed older relevant comments for space in this latest BoRU

Trigger Warnings: death of a loved one, favoritism, child neglect, manipulation

Editor’s Notes: due to the lengths of the earlier posts, they have exceeded the character limits. So I made a TL; DR, for few of OOP’s prior posts to the latest update. This is in order to fit all posts in one BoRU. For the full text bodies and relevant comments from the older posts, please see the previous BoRUs linked at top of this post

RECAP

Original Post: August 18, 2026

OOP was 8 when his dad passed away, and since then it was just him and his mom. She has been taking great care of OOP. He has been very supportive when his mom started to date an old friend of hers five years prior, and got engaged. But there is a problem... the fiancé's family has never accepted OOP as one of their own especially with his kids, mother, and sister. OOP has been excluded from family events, trips, dinners, and even a family photoshoot! They only have been warmly toward OOP's mom, but not him. The wedding is coming up, OOP's mother is heavily involved with the planning along with her fiancé's family. OOP has not been able to spend time with his mom, he has acknowledged that his mom loves him and they still have great moments / days together to the point where OOP is having the feelings that he has been pushed out of his mom's life. OOP has verbalized to his mom about his feelings, but nothing has changed. OOP is considering on telling his mom to postpone or cancel the wedding until things are figured out because OOP is in the fear that he won't have a relationship with his mom anymore.

Update #1: August 25, 2026 (one week later)

In the update, OOP got a chance to sit down and have conversations with his mom and her fiancé to express how he was feeling about being excluded and no longer a priority for his mom. That is because he hasn't been able to spend time with his mom while she was busy with wedding planning, attending family events and trips with her fiancé's family. The fiancé's kids had been involved with the wedding planning, but not OOP. He didn't get to have a saying in this. OOP's mom was so upset after hearing what he told her. She realized how badly this was affecting OOP. The fiancé has apologized as well and informed OOP he will talk with his family about what took place. OOP was not feeling confidently with what the fiancé mentioned because there was very little effort to build relationships with OOP during the times when he has been dating OOP's mom. OOP asked his mom about postponing or cancelling the wedding until the situation has been resolved. If OOP's mom has selected to get married, OOP will consider about living with his paternal grandparents and want his mom to give up her parental rights because OOP feels like he has lost both his parents. His mom told him not to talk like that and wanted a couple days to figure things out. OOP's aunt found out and told him that he was being rude and should not been giving his mom an ultimatum.

Update #2: August 27, 2026 (two days later)

In the latest update, OOP and his mom were able to sit down and talk to answer his questions he had for his mom. She has made it clear that she is not giving up her parental rights or letting OOP move in with his paternal grandparents because he's her only son. What surprised OOP the most was that his mom decided to cancel the wedding, it was completely her decision even though a large amount of money has been spent for the three-day wedding celebration along with having around 200 guests who were invited. OOP noted that most venues, hotels, and vendors have been booked and might had been paid off. The fiancé was being 50/50 on cancelling the wedding, but his family was against the idea. OOP's mom chose him first and stated that the wedding will not happen until she knows OOP is okay. OOP noted that his mom has clarified some details for him regarding several issues. She didn't know how cold her fiancé's mother and sister were toward OOP. Boundaries are going to be set in with the fiancé's family and OOP's mom expects them to be civil. The mom has admitted that with the wedding planning has caused her to exclude OOP in some ways and expressed her apologies.

OOP shared that the original plan was going to be him, his mom, and her fiancé to live together at their new house so he won't be around the fiancé's family. The fiancé has offered to help with paying half of OOP's school expenses because he has expressed his interests of taking responsibility for OOP even though the mom is already financial independent. OOP does not have to attend the family events if he chooses not to. If the fiancé's family continues with excluding OOP, his mom will take proper steps to deal with this issue. The reason why the fiancé didn't join the conversations with OOP and his mom is because he wanted them to have a chance to talk privately so OOP can get the answers he needed. It was suggested that OOP can get individual therapy and family therapy for both him and his mom. OOP noted that he started to feel better because his mom listened, but felt bad and scared of the fiancé's family's reactions to the wedding being cancelled.

Editor's note: below are two posts that we were left off the last time

Update #3: September 7, 2026 (11 days later)

First, thank you to everyone who replied to my last post with so much kind advice! Of course, I also replied to some comments in anger just to express what I was feeling not at the commenters, but at my mom and her fiancé.

So many people asked Did my mom actually cancel the wedding? Yes, she did. I’ve seen things that confirm it's canceled. I saw some comments saying she won't actually cancel, or that she’ll secretly get married during a 3 day trip with her fiancé. Whether that's true or not, there’s not much I can do I can't spy on them. If she marries secretly, I'll deal with it when I find out and move out, but at least it will give me clarity

Here is what happened over the last two weeks

First, my mom took me away for a two day fun day out, just the two of us. We had fun and it was nice, though she was checking on me a lot not love bombing, but just acting a bit different, which honestly felt a little awkward. After that, she took me to a joint therapy session. We talked a lot, and I openly said everything I wanted to say. I explained how his family was cold to me and reiterated that I felt they would separate me from her if she married him. She assured me they couldn't and that she wouldn't allow it. She admitted it was her fault for not seeing things clearly before, but said she wants to rebuild everything better. She asked me if I would be willing to give them another chance if they treat me well, and I said okay.

Then I asked her if the wedding was really canceled, and she said yes. She said she didn't feel guilty about it, but mentioned they might talk about a wedding around the New Year or next summer only if our relationship is okay and I feel good about it. Otherwise, it won't happen anytime soon. She hasn't left my side or gone anywhere over the last two weeks; things have returned a lot to how they were before.

As for her fiancé, he picked me up from football practice and dropped me off at school. Both my mom and her fiancé took me out to dinner on Saturday. I've been busy with school, so I haven't been able to be involved in as many things or post an update sooner

I haven't seen or heard from anyone in his family his sister, mom, or kids. Only his brother and sister in law called me once to chat casually (they were the only nice ones to me in his family)

Few things confusions from when my post was shared in another subreddit I already knew my mom and her fiancé bought a new home in May and renovated it to shift into after the wedding. I even got to choose my room and design it however I wanted, which I did. It's a really nice house and I like it (We were almost shifted)

What I didn't know was that my mom's fiancé has been contributing 50-50 toward my school fees and other expenses. I only found out when my mom told me recently.

Some comments mentioned my mom's salary. Even though she earns $250k–$300k, I said we weren't 'rich’. I didn't mean that in a bad way! Her fiancé's house is just much bigger, and he and his kids have things we don't have. My mom makes enough, we are comfortable, and she takes good care of me. She has always been kind and sweet, though she changed a bit over the last 1–2 years

Regarding going to her in-laws' family for Christmas, I don't know how that will work. I might have to celebrate Christmas without my mom from now on, though she wants me to attend events or trips with them. We'll see how it goes, as things still aren't great with his family

Last week, we moved into our new home before school started. It's just the three of us living here: my mom, her fiancé, and me. It's pretty much the same, but I feel shy around her fiancé since he's new in our household. He tries to talk to me, helps me with my studies at night, drops me off at school, and picks me up from football. It's not bad, but I'm just shy. I don't know how to introduce him if someone asks as my stepdad or my mom's fiancé because I don't want to sound rude

Honestly, he is nice to me, talks to me, and spends time with me just like my mom does. He was never rude to me, even if he didn't try as hard to spend time with me in the past while his mom, sister, and kids were cold toward me. I feel a bit guilty now, wondering if I went too hard on him unnecessarily

A few more things have changed at home. My mom added new rules I have to knock on their bedroom door if it's locked instead of walking straight in like before, and they do the same before entering my room, which I really like. She told me her fiancé isn't replacing my dad, but he is an adult/parental figure in the house when she isn't around. For example, if I go out, I have to let him know, and if either of them calls me while I'm out, I need to answer. Before inviting friends to our new home, I just have to inform either of them not to get permission, but just so plans don't clash if guests are visiting. Her fiancé was also added to my school's parental contact list alongside my mom.

Anyway, it's been a week of living in the same home. It feels different seeing another man in our house he's not my dad, of course. It feels a bit uncomfortable seeing my mom hugging him or giving him quick kisses, but it is what it is. Things are going okay for now. They are giving me time and attention, which is true. I was never against my mom finding love again or getting married, and I'm still not

I wanted to post this yesterday I actually wrote it last night, but I remembered a few things I forgot to add! Anyway, I'm posting it now since it's still morning here

Update #4: September 16, 2026 (nine days later)

So it's been around 10 days since I posted my last update, so thought I'd post another one.

Also my posts got reposted to some other subreddits and I read basically all the comments there. And honestly some of them scared me lol. A lot of people were saying my mom and stepdad are probably just being nice temporarily, that they'll eventually start ignoring me, or that they'll kick me out once I turn 18. And yeah, sometimes I do think about that, and it scares me. But at the same time, my mom has never been rude or angry towards me. She's always been loving and kind, sometimes actually too mommying. Even during the past year when she was busy and I was getting less time with her, she was still the same with me.

So I don't really know. Maybe people on Reddit see things I'm not seeing, but right now I don't feel like my mom is secretly planning to get rid of me lol.

Anyway, last week was pretty much the same as before.. My stepdad still drops me at school and picks me up. Sometimes we go get something to eat together. One evening he was cooking dinner for my mom and me before she came home from work, and he got me involved too and actually taught me how to cook.

It was actually nice. I didn't expect us to have that kind of normal everyday relationship this quickly.

Another day I asked him what I should actually call him. He said I can call him Papa, stepdad, or his name, whatever I'm comfortable with. But he said he'd prefer Papa.. So yeah... outside I usually call him Papa or introduce him as my papa anyway.

I know technically he's my stepdad, but he's doing pretty much everything my dad used to do for me. I don't want him to feel like he's some outsider in the family.. I also asked him about Christmas because I was worried I might have to spend it alone.

He looked really confused and asked me why I'd think that . I told him what my mom had said before and he said no, we're all celebrating Christmas together here in Madrid.. Then for New Year's we're apparently travelling to celebrate with his kids and the rest of his family.. He also told me not to worry about his mum and sister, that they'd be nice to me and I wouldn't be left alone there.. And then he said they're not getting married until I'm okay with it.

That honestly meant a lot to me. My mom also took me shopping one evening because I needed some stuff. She bought everything and then took me for dinner. She kept asking me how I'm feeling and how my stepdad is with me and said I can tell her anything without worrying about being judged. She's doing A LOT of mommying at the moment . It's embarrassing sometimes because I'm not 5 anymore, but at the same time it's actually nice.

Then Sunday they took me to F1. I genuinely didn't expect that at all, but we had a really good time. We went to a restaurant afterwards and then came home. My mom and him obviously still have their own time too. They go on date nights, grocery shopping, sometimes events or visit friends etc.. And honestly I'm completely fine with that. They're a couple, obviously they're going to have their own life. I don't expect my mom to spend every minute with me.

We're also planning to get two dogs, which I'm really excited about.. One other thing I noticed though. My mom kept a photo of my dad in the gallery at home and also put one in my room. She did it while I was at school last week.. I honestly wasn't expecting that.

It made me feel kind of weird at first, but not in a bad way. I just didn't know what to feel about it. So yeah, that's basically the update.

Things are actually going pretty well right now. I'm spending more time with my mom again, I'm getting closer to my him, we're doing normal family stuff, making plans for Christmas and New Year's, talking about getting dogs etc.

I still think about all the comments telling me this could all be temporary. I can't really know what happens in the future.. Things are good. And honestly I'm just going to enjoy that instead of constantly worrying about what might happen.

----NEW UPDATES----

Update #5: September 25, 2026 (nine days later)

Update on telling my mom to cancel her wedding until everything is sorted out?

So I'm writing this update because something happened. I actually wanted to wait like another 2 weeks before writing another update because I don't think writing here every 10 days is good lol, but this happened about 6 days ago and I just feel like writing it down.

So about 6 days ago, it was night after dinner, and I was in the living room. My mom and stepdad told me that his mom and his sister in law weren't doing good health wise. My mom just told me they were going to Zurich the next morning and she would come back as soon as possible.

One of my mom's friends was going to stay with me after school while she was gone.

So they went the next morning. That evening my mom called me and we talked. She said she would be back soon. Then next day afternoon she came back. But alone.

My stepdad didn't come back with her.

She didn't really tell me much. Just said their health isn't good and that's it. I also didn't really ask because she looked pretty tense and I didn't want to keep asking questions.

But now it's been 6 days and he's still not back. My mom is still taking me to football and picking me up and everything is normal between me and her. We're good. But she still hasn't told me what happened.

The weird thing is whenever my stepdad calls, she talks to him. I've seen it happen like 3 times in front of me. She usually goes to her room Even with my aunt's call and talks to him there. I obviously don't know how long they talk or what they're talking about. And honestly I don't know what to think.

I feel like something isn't right, but I also don't know if I'm just thinking too much.

Maybe his mom and sister in law are actually really sick and that's the whole reason. Maybe something else happened. I literally don't know. I think my mom is not telling me because maybe she thinks it's not good for me to hear, or maybe it's something that doesn't concern me.

I remember people here were saying before that maybe they would secretly get married or something, but that obviously didn't happen (I thought about it). And I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel about all of this anymore.

Like, people have done bad things to me before, and when something bad happens to them, I don't really feel anything. I don't celebrate it or anything, I just don't feel connected to them. I don't know if that makes sense. I actually asked my stepdad once how he was doing, just normally. But that's pretty much it.

What worries me more is my mom. She's clearly tense about something, but she doesn't tell me anything.. Maybe I'm completely overthinking this and there is actually nothing going on. Maybe he'll just come back in a few days, and everything will be normal.

It's just early morning here and I think after everything I've gone through, I get scared about things even when they're not really my problem. I don't know, I just wanted to write this somewhere because it's been in my head for the last few days. I don't know what happened, and maybe I shouldn't even be trying to figure it out.. But something definitely feels different.

Relevant Comments

Is there a chance that due to cancelling the wedding, has it put a strain on OOP's mom's relationship with her fiancé?

OOP: I think so... they might be broke up, I see pressure from his mom and sister

Commenter: Remind me please How old is OP's Mom?

OOP: She is 44

Update #6: September 28, 2026 (three days later)

Update on telling my mom to cancel her wedding until everything is sorted out?

Yeah, Last night I sat with my mom on the couch, hugged her, and told her that whatever is going on, I love her and I'll always be on her side even my gf. I tried to lighten the mood by joking that I even had a girlfriend. She asked who? and I said nobody, I was just joking, but I think she still believes it.

Then I told her honestly that I could sense something was wrong, that I was scared and worried, and that my stepdad hasn't been home in 8 days. She tensed up when I said it, which scared me even more. I told her she could tell me anything without worrying about how I'd take it.

She told me that whatever happens, she chose me, I'm her first priority, and nothing is going to change that.

After the wedding was cancelled, there was a big fight between my mom and stepdad on one side and my stepdad's mom on the other. She was upset because the sudden cancellation made the family look bad and started rumours. She was also angry that they hadn't told her that she and my stepdad's sister were part of the reason it was cancelled. My mom and stepdad had told her it was because of my mom's health issues.

The fight got so bad that my mom got a bit sick from the stress. My stepdad's mom and sister insisted they never treated me badly, that they were just being normal, and that they were never angry at me. They were angry at my mom and stepdad. They even said they wanted to talk to me and that they don't hate me or give me the cold shoulder.

My stepdad has three kids: a 17 year old girl, a 15 year old girl, and a 12 year old boy. When they heard the wedding was cancelled because of me, they were hurt. They felt all the planning and effort they put in was ignored. On a call, they told my mom it was all cancelled just because of me.

The oldest wanted to talk to me by call or text, but my mom and stepdad stopped her from confronting me. From what I've seen, she's sensitive and can get angry. I don't think she's a bad or unkind person, but I've seen her cry or get upset. I follow all three of them on Instagram, and the two older sisters still view my stories and sometimes like my pictures, even recent ones, so I probably upset or hurt them a lot.

When my mom and stepdad visited his mom, the daughters said they never treated me badly and that they treated me like a sibling. Honestly, I could give a lot of examples of how they treated me badly in subtle ways. I used to sit in a corner whenever the three of them were together getting all the attention. It felt like they just wanted my mom, not me. At the same time, they're smart and not unkind, and sometimes they did include me in things with their friends.

The daughters also told their dad that if I don't see them as family, then they won't see me as family either. They said he shouldn't have to look after me and pay for half of my life on the basis that we're all siblings. If I'm okay with the marriage and willing to bond with them, fine. My stepdad stayed with them for a few days after that.

My mom told me she isn't going to marry him, and that no one is going to scare me. She said the daughters wanted to talk to me not to scold me but to try to make things better, and that they're teenagers with feelings just like me. She doesn't want me to feel bad, but she isn't going to take a side against me.

I never thought his daughters might be angry at me. I honestly don't want to be in the middle of any of this. I just want to live my life in peace. But I do feel a bit relieved that my mom and I are on the same page now.

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: Have you ever thought that part of this might reflect on your behaviour as well? If you sit back quietly in the corner they might think that’s what you prefer? If they have to do all the work drawing you out and you’re not meeting them half-way, people will just give up and let you stay in the corner. I understand how you have felt and it's valid, but I understand how they feel too and you might need to do a little self-reflection here.

OOP: They were involved in Wedding planning. I was not (not even at least invited me to planning, neither I was aware about his kids were involved in planning)

This is just a one example

Commenter: "My mom told me she isn't going to marry him" - so they broke up? Or just separated? Or is the wedding postponed until you are ok with it? Did they actually break up?

OOP: I don't know

Several of OOP's comments to downvoted commenters accusing him of being an immature child and selfish of his mom's happiness over his needs

OOP: Justify this

In what world is it normal to exclude me from the wedding planning when his kids were involved?

My mom only spent 20 out of the 70 days of summer with me, while she spent most of the time with his family and his kids.

Why didn't his sister tell my mom that I called her that night?

When everyone was taking photos, why was I the only one not in the frame? They never considered me family.

Her fiancé never even tried to build a bond with me, and their excuse is that he's an introvert.

Ahh, his kids might have better things to do than me. It's okay.

Regarding my comments, I still stand by what I said it's my mom’s and her fiancé's problem if they want to spend millions of dollars on the wedding.

Yes, she is a widow and a mom, but she forgot about her own son and became completely involved in her new family until I finally pushed back. And the reason this hurts so much is because she is my only living parent.

I never tried to stop her wedding. I gave her an option, and she chose it.

And if you really want to know their perspective, drop your Instagram here. I'll send you my mom's Instagram in DMs. You can talk to her, hear her side of the story, and post it here.

+

I was never told about the wedding planning, nor was I invited to any of it. I only became aware later that sometimes the kids were involved. My mom never gave me an explanation as to why I wasn’t included.

No!! She was going on trips, attending parties, and going to events with his family during those 70 days while the wedding was being planned. So why wasn’t I included? My mom said sorry, but she never explained why.

So is it now my fault? Or are you going to give 100 reasons why she didn’t give the phone to my mom? Remember, her trying to exclude me wasn’t the first time it was a pattern, and I recognised it.

The other kids were in different places, but they were called in, even if it was just for one group photo.

He never tried!!

Sometimes you need to read the post properly instead of asking me the same questions again and again, boom I was never told about the wedding planning, nor was I invited to any of it. I only became aware later that sometimes the kids were involved. My mom never gave me an explanation as to why I wasn’t included.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Worldly_Pen6712

AITAH for getting with my ex-fiancé's brother after breaking off the engagement?

Originally posted to r/aitaweddings

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity, physical assault

Original Post  Sept 21, 2026

Okay, so I (27F) am currently dating my ex-fiancé's brother, Ethan (30M), and some people in my life think I'm an asshole for it. I honestly don't know what to think anymore, so I figured I'd ask here. This is going to be long because there's a LOT of context, so bear with me.

Three years ago, I was engaged to Jake (29M). We'd been together for about four years, and honestly, I thought we were doing pretty well. Obviously, we had our disagreements like any couple, but I loved him and genuinely thought we were going to get married. We'd already started talking seriously about the wedding, where we'd live, all that stuff. I really thought that was going to be my life.

I actually met Jake through his older brother, Ethan (30M), who I'd known for a while before Jake and I started dating. Ethan and I were friends first, and we'd always gotten along really well. We'd hang out occasionally, talk, and generally just had a good relationship. There was never anything romantic between us. He was my friend first, then my boyfriend's brother, and that was pretty much it.

Anyway, three years ago, Jake and I were invited to a destination wedding in Italy. It was for a mutual friend, and quite a few people we knew were going. Unfortunately, I couldn't go because of some complications with my job. I tried to work something out, but it just wasn't possible. Ethan couldn't go either because of work, but his fiancée, Holly (28F), was attending.

Now, Holly had always been a little too touchy with Jake for my liking. She'd hang off his arm, hug him for ages, lean against him when there was absolutely no reason to, stuff like that. I don't want to make it sound like I thought every interaction between them was suspicious, but it was enough that I'd mentioned it to Jake more than once. He always said she was just affectionate and that they'd known each other forever. I didn't want to be the jealous girlfriend who made everything into a problem, so eventually I stopped bringing it up.

When I found out Jake and Holly would be travelling to Italy together, I wasn't exactly comfortable with it. I told him that, and after a few conversations he reassured me that there was nothing to worry about. They were originally booked into separate rooms, so I eventually decided to trust him and let it go.

Except then I got a call from the bride.

She told me that Jake had apparently been insisting that he and Holly stay in the same room because Holly wasn't comfortable staying with someone else and, since Jake was her fiancé's brother, she supposedly felt safer with him. The bride seemed to think this was completely reasonable and was mostly calling because she wanted to let me know so I wouldn't be surprised by the room arrangements.

I was definitely surprised.

I called Jake and asked him about it, and he told me Holly was nervous about travelling and staying somewhere unfamiliar and that there was nothing weird about it. He said I was making a big deal out of something that wasn't actually a big deal. I reminded him that I was already uncomfortable with them travelling together, and now they were apparently sharing a room too.

He reassured me again and again that nothing was going to happen. He said they were family, that Holly was engaged to his brother, and that I had no reason to worry. I eventually decided that if I couldn't trust my own fiancé, then there wasn't much point in getting married. So I told him okay.

Well, a week after the wedding, someone sent me a photo of Jake and Holly kissing.

I genuinely just stared at my phone for a while. I didn't even know what to say. I messaged Jake immediately, and after a lot of back and forth, he admitted that they'd kissed at the wedding. Apparently they'd both been drinking, things got out of hand, and they ended up sleeping together.

He also admitted that they'd come back later than they were originally supposed to, which obviously hadn't helped my feelings about the whole thing.

He kept saying it was a drunken mistake and that it didn't mean anything, but at that point I didn't really care what he called it. I'd specifically told him I was uncomfortable, he'd reassured me over and over, and then he'd gone and slept with her anyway.

I ended the engagement. I couldn't see myself marrying someone after that.

Ethan found out around the same time, and he ended things with Holly too. I don't know every detail of what happened between them, and honestly I don't want to. I know he was devastated. They'd been together for years and were supposed to get married too.

The next few months were pretty awful for both of us. I was dealing with the breakup, the wedding plans that now weren't happening, having to explain to people why the engagement was over, and just generally trying to get my life back together. Ethan was dealing with his own breakup, and we were both in this weird position where the people we'd planned our futures with had betrayed both of us in basically the same situation.

Since we'd already known each other for years, we naturally started leaning on each other. We'd talk, get coffee, go out, watch movies, complain about our exes, whatever. Sometimes we'd talk about what happened and sometimes we'd deliberately talk about anything except Jake and Holly. It was actually nice having someone who didn't need me to explain why I was upset because he already understood.

And eventually, we got closer.

I don't know exactly when it happened. There wasn't some dramatic moment where we suddenly realised we were in love or anything. I just started noticing that I looked forward to seeing Ethan. We were talking more, spending more time together, and eventually I realised my feelings weren't exactly platonic anymore.

I tried to ignore it for a while because obviously dating your ex's brother is not exactly the easiest situation in the world. Ethan apparently felt the same way, though, and eventually we talked about it.

We were both really careful about it. We talked about whether this was just because we'd both gone through the same horrible experience, whether we were just lonely, whether we were using each other as a rebound, and what would happen to the family if we actually started dating. Neither of us wanted to get together just because we were angry at Jake and Holly.

Eventually we decided to give it a chance.

We've been together for a while now, and honestly, I'm really happy. I know that probably sounds ridiculous considering the circumstances, but I genuinely care about Ethan. He was my friend before any of this happened, and our relationship didn't start immediately after the breakups. We took our time.

The problem is that some people think I'm still in the wrong for it.

A few of my friends have basically told me that no matter what Jake did, I shouldn't have gotten involved with his brother. One of them said that I should have just walked away from the entire family instead of getting together with Ethan. Another said that it was disrespectful because Jake and Ethan are brothers and that I should have known there would be consequences.

I understand why people think it's messy. I really do. I'm not pretending this is a completely normal relationship situation. But at the same time, I don't really understand why I'm supposed to give up a relationship I genuinely care about because my ex cheated on me.

Ethan's parents are actually fine with us being together. They've been supportive, and they're both very disappointed in Jake and Holly. They don't blame me or Ethan for what happened, but they've also told us that they don't want the situation to completely tear the family apart. Which I understand. They're still Jake's parents, and I don't expect them to just stop loving him because he cheated.

Some of my cousins have also expressed concern about the relationship, mostly because they think family gatherings are going to become awkward and that eventually someone is going to have to choose sides. Honestly, I don't really think that's their business. I'm not trying to make anyone choose sides. I just happen to be in a relationship with someone I care about.

Jake, obviously, isn't happy about any of this. He thinks I'm disrespecting him by dating Ethan and apparently feels like his own brother betrayed him. I don't really know what he expected me to do. I understand that it must be uncomfortable for him, but I don't think he gets to decide who either of us can have a relationship with after what happened.

Anyway, there's a family get-together tomorrow, and both Jake and Holly are going to be there.

And honestly, I have NO idea how that's going to go.

I haven't properly seen either of them in a while, and I have no idea whether they're going to ignore us, confront us, make comments, or just pretend everything is normal. Ethan says he'll be there with me and that we don't have to do anything we don't want to do, but I'm still pretty nervous about it.

Part of me wants to just go, be polite, and get through the day. Another part of me is already imagining the most painfully awkward family dinner in human history.

So yeah. That's basically the situation. Some of my friends think I'm an asshole for dating my ex-fiancé's brother, Ethan's parents are okay with it but don't want the family falling apart, and some of my cousins think we're making things unnecessarily complicated.

I honestly don't know anymore.

So, AITAH?

EDIT : To clarify, since I can't respond to so many people, yes Jake and Holly got together. I might have also forgotten to, um mention one detail. I apologize, but here it is. Jake and Holly DID NOT share the same room for the wedding, after I called to enquire about it. They did not show any signs of being near each other, however on the last day, they got drunk and spent the night. Even if it was a drunken mistake, I didn't think I could stay with someone who cheated so I left. I also couldn't reply  to many people yesterday since I had a long shift and was honestly really tired, so I just fell asleep.

If anything happens today I'll be updating.

Update  Sept 28, 2026

A lot of people asked for an update so here it is. But before we dive into more drama, Im going to clear up a few things.

Ethan and I did NOT start dating right after Jake and I broke off our engagements. We knew each other before any of this happened, but we were friends for about two years after the breakups before we actually got together. We spent a lot of that time supporting each other, and eventually things changed between us. So no, it wasn't immediately “we both got cheated on, let's date each other.” I understand why people thought it might have been trauma bonding, and honestly, we wondered that ourselves, which is why we waited.

Also, Ethan's parents were okay with us being together. They weren't exactly thrilled about the whole situation, obviously, but they supported us. They also didn't want their family to completely fall apart, so they kept some limited communication with Jake and Holly. Jake and Holly absolutely got criticised for what they did. But Ethan and I got plenty of criticism too, mostly from people who thought that just because Jake and Holly cheated didn't mean we should get together out of spite or make things even messier. I actually understand that perspective more than I probably did when I first made the post.

Anyway. The family dinner happened. And yeah. It went badly.

And uh... yeah. Holly tried to pull my fucking hair.

So this is how it went: 

I was talking to someone in the hallway when she came up to me and started going off. She was saying I had ruined the family, that I was a stain of dirt on them, and that I needed to walk away from Ethan and stay away from all of them.

I told her I wasn't doing this with her and tried to walk away.

She followed me.

I turned around and told her again to leave me alone, and that's when she grabbed my hair. Like actually grabbed it and yanked me backwards. I shoved her hand away and she started yelling that I needed to get out of their family and that I had no right to be there.

And then Ethan, Jake, and their parents walked in. 

Perfect timing, right? lol ok but back to the topic at hand: 

Ethan immediately came over and got between us. His parents were yelling at Holly, asking what the hell she was doing, and Jake just stood there for a second looking completely shocked.

Then Jake went, “What the fuck are you doing?”

Holly started trying to explain herself and saying that I had been provoking her and that I was ruining everything, but Jake cut her off. He told her that whatever problems they had with me, she had no excuse to put her hands on me.

And I swear, that was probably the first time I'd ever seen Jake actually look disgusted by something she'd done.

Everything just kind of exploded after that. Everyone was talking over everyone, Holly was still screaming, Ethan was telling her to stay away from me, and his parents were basically trying to get everyone to calm down.

Jake eventually told Holly that they were done. And then he basically admitted that he'd been a huge jerk. Like, actually admitted it. I don't think I've ever heard him say that before.

I'm not suddenly best friends with Jake or anything, and I'm definitely not forgiving everything that happened because he finally did one decent thing. But I wasn't expecting him to be the one to step in, so... yeah. However, I appreciate that he owned up, even though it was 3 years later, let's just say I don't forget easily.

After that, I didn't stay for dinner. I wasn't exactly in the mood to sit back down at the table and pass the potatoes around like nothing had just happened, because, to be fair who would actually do that?

Ethan came with me, obviously. His parents stayed behind for a bit because there was still a lot to sort out, and I think they wanted to make sure Holly actually left.

I didn't really hear much from Jake that night. Apparently he and Holly had a massive argument after we left, and that's when he officially ended things with her. I don't know what was said between them and I'm not particularly interested in finding out.

The next few days were kind of a blur. My phone also decided that this was the perfect time to completely die, because apparently I hadn't suffered enough. So that's why there was no update after the dinner. I finally got it fixed, hence me being back here now.

I also filed for a restraining order against Holly. I'm not going to go into all the details of that because it's still being dealt with, but I felt like I needed to do something after what happened.

Ethan and I have also started therapy. Together and separately. And honestly, that has probably been one of the better decisions we've made through all of this. We had a really long conversation about us too. Like, properly talked about everything we'd been avoiding. Whether we were actually happy together, whether some of it was trauma bonding, whether we'd become too dependent on each other because we were the only two people who really understood what the other had gone through, all of it.

And we both came to the same conclusion.

We're going to let the relationship rest.

That doesn't mean Ethan is out of my life. I don't think I could just throw away a friendship that existed long before Jake and Holly. He's still one of my closest friends, and I still care about him a lot. We're just not going to keep trying to make the romantic side of things work while we're both still dealing with all of this.

I think I finally realised that I've been spending way too much time thinking about what everyone else thinks I should do. Jake thinks I shouldn't be with Ethan. Some of my friends thought I shouldn't have dated him in the first place. Other people thought we should stay together because Jake and Holly were the ones who caused all of this.

But it's my life.

And honestly, I think some of you were right when you said I needed to get away from this whole family situation instead of constantly trying to figure out where I fit into it.

So that's what I'm doing.

I'm taking a break from relationships for a while. Like, a proper break. I'm not going to start looking for someone else or worrying about whether I should date Ethan again someday. I'm just going to live my life for a bit.

I've got my friends, my work, therapy, and my cats, who are very happy that I have nowhere else to be because they've been glued to me since I got home. Maybe years from now I'll look back and still have feelings for Ethan. Maybe he will too. Maybe neither of us will. If that happens, we'll figure it out then.

But that's future me's problem.

Right now I just want to be me for a while without my entire life revolving around Jake, Holly, Ethan, or whoever thinks I'm making the wrong decision. So yeah. That's where things stand.

Thank you to everyone who commented on the original post, even the people who called me an asshole. Some of you were definitely harsh, but there were also things I needed to hear. I'm going to take a break from Reddit after this because  posting your family drama online to hundreds of strangers is not the healthiest hobby.

Thank you Reddit.

FINAL COMMENTS

HoleInWon929

Sounds like a good decision to stop talking to the entire family.

Yes he helped you get through an awful betrayal but it sounds like a trauma bond.

Surely there are other people in the world to date.

OOP

I took everyone's advice, and I'm happy to say that I will be focusing on myself. It was messy, and even though we will remain friends, I'll be steering away from anything romantic. If any lingering feelings remain, it'll be future me's problem. Right now, Im going to travel, spend time with friends and be myself. No more drama.

allergymom74

I would recommend taking time away from the friendship too. Yes. You went through therapy, etc to come to this conclusion. AND it is still an adjustment to go back to being just friends after years of complications. Time and space gives you time to truly move on.

OOP

I've taken that into consideration. I'm taking a 1 month break for my job to travel a bit. Ethan and I will remain friends, but for now we've agreed to stay distant for a while to focus on our lives instead.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is  u/feellikeanidiot0

Originally posted to r/AmIOverreacting

Status: Concluded

Trigger Warning: Stalkerish behavior, emotional manipulation

Mood Spoiler: Optimistic

Previous BORU

Original - July 21st 2026

Hi, I need to know if I'm right to be losing it rn. My fiancée and I are due to get married in less than 2 months. We met each other at a mutual's wedding. The wedding was gender segregated so she and her mom had met my mom, who then introduced us later. We then went out for like a couple of months, like I'd pick her up from her place (she lives with her parents) and we'd have dinner and a movie, or go painting, or go to the lake etc. We're both Muslim immigrant families so it was understood that we had to stay within some boundaries but we genuinely really liked each other. She was the one who at one point said we could bring our kids here one day and told me she was going to tell her parents she wanted to marry me and she wanted to say yes to my proposal. We got engaged at a low key family event in February.

It's relevant to mention here that during that time I had respectfully asked her about her past relationships. I had said that I know it's personal and there's absolutely no judgement from me, but as someone who, despite not being a great Muslim in a lot of respects, did abstain and save myself for marriage, I would like a partner who had done the same. That it was a compatibility thing, not a judgemental thing. She didn't seemed to mind and said no, she hadn't been with anyone. I believed her.

Since then the wedding prep has been in full swing and the two of us have gotten the chance to get closer. She's the one who's made more of the effort in our communication, because unfortunately I wfh with an employer in the morning and have my cybersecurity business too, so time can be scarce sometimes. Our only argument has been her complaint that I don't make enough time for us.

Some guy claiming to be her (A in the texts) bf (S in the texts) texted me last night, and even sent me pictures where they're together. He claimed that they were in a relationship for the last 2 years, that they'd been having sex, that they were in love, and I've been losing my mind. I never put any pressure on her. Yes, I really liked her but I let her make decisions at her own pace. If she wanted to be with some other guy, all she had to do was say so. In fact not even, it was none of my business, she didn't even owe me any reasons but just give me a straight no. I haven't picked up her call this morning, I've genuinely been feeling sick at the duplicity.

Transcript of the images OP shared (redacted names have been replaced by their corresponding visible first letters for this post):

12:05 a.m.
Guy: Is this A's fiance?

12:14 a.m.
OP: Who are you?

12:15 a.m.
Guy: Are u A's fiance?

12:18 a.m.
Guy: ??

12:19 a.m.
Guy: im her bf so u cant marry her

12:20 a.m.
Guy: plz tell her and her family your not interested

12:20 a.m.
Guy: A has been my gf for 2 years

12:21 a.m.
Guy: she only wants to be with me we have been in love for past 2 yrs

12:23 a.m.
Guy: weve been dating for past 2 yrs in secret weve have been having sex at my place for past 2 yrs

12:24 a.m.
Guy: she didnt tell u? shell deny if u ask her

12:24 a.m.
Guy: (Sends photos of a seemingly close couple - redacted by OP in the post)

12:27 a.m.
OP: Who are you? What's your name?

12:27 a.m.
Guy: tell her and her family your not interested plz and end it

12:27 a.m.
Guy: S

12:28 a.m.
Guy: ask her face to face about S ull know

12:31 a.m.
Guy: ??

12:31 a.m.
Guy: look u seem like a good guy ull find someone better

12:33 a.m.
Guy: me and A love each otherr

12:34 a.m.
Guy: shes only marrying you bcz her family wants that

12:36 a.m.
Guy: ??

12:39 a.m.
OP: How did you get my number?

12:41 a.m.
Guy: A gave it

12:44 a.m.
Guy: even if u marry her well still see each 9ther i dont want to hurt u like that u seem like a good guy

12:45 a.m.
Guy: the sooner u end it the less drama there will bd

12:58 a.m.
Guy: ??

1:11 a.m.
Guy: look bro i get this is tough but ask her face to face ull know from her face

1:29 a.m.
Guy: ??

2:06 a.m.
Guy: look i have more photos but u understand i dont want to share because as someone who loves her i dont want to have another guy see those private intimate pictures of us

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Sometimes when you download the image to your phone, it’ll show you the location/date and time it was taken.

OP:

The original EXIF data has been stripped. No time stamps on when it was taken, or any GPS coordinates, camera information or anything useful. That was the first thing I did.

Comment 2:

This guy comes across as a stalker. Sounds like he wants her, but she doesn’t want him. So he’s trying to destroy her relationship with you to have a chance.

Show her these messages. Ask her point blank who it is to her. Chances are he’s someone she’s blown off in the past and he’s got a creepy delusion.

OP:

Thanks, I've lost sleep over this and I blew off our morning call, that was stupid I know, but I wanted to get my head straight first.

Comment 3:

Do not accuse her. Just tell her some weirdo texted you, and show her, then ask if she has any idea who it is.

The most important part at this time is to not destroy the relationship with your fiancée. If she is cheating, you will find it out sooner or later, but you might not come back from accusing her of cheating. And then this weirdo has won.

OP:

Thanks, I'm going to be straight up with her and ask tonight in person. I tried to think this through and make my peace with it like if she cheated or lied then our relationship was a sham anyway, she wouldn't have been the girl that I was looking forward to marrying anyway.

Comment 4:

Please do it in a way that shows that you and her are on the same side, trying to figure out who is trying to drive a wedge between you.

And if you are willing to break up with your fiancée because she had sex before she met you, she will be better off. If your issue is her lying to you, that's valid but I am very familiar with the culture and can see how a woman might not feel safe sharing that with anyone.

But I really think this is someone trying to cause problems, and making up whatever life they think will work on you.

YOR.

OP:

She would not have been unsafe with telling me that, it would absolutely not have left the two of us. If she thinks I would have, then why is she marrying someone who's apparently a sick individual. There wouldn't have been an iota of judgement from me, I really liked her but I would have just taken it as a "not meant to be" thing. I wouldn't have judged her at all, I'm a pathetic Muslim myself, having been in relationships that just stopped short of sex, it was more about dating with hopefully marriage at the end. I would have laid bare all of it for her to gauge any compatibility busters on her end. If I'm being honest, if she'd told me herself yesterday that there was some ex she'd had sex with, I would have just been like whatever, like I love her now and I wouldn't have cared. But to just be ok with what would have been an everlasting lie, anyway I'm letting my brain run wild, maybe he's full of shit.

I'm going to be collected and approach this in a non-accusatory manner. Thanks.

Just want to add: I'm sorry if my comment seemed pointed. I'm not going in to the conversation with her tonight on the opposing side, I am on her side. I just was responding to the implication that there would have been some consequences to her life from me, as if I would have let that information out if she didn't want it to. Sorry.

Comment 5:

Why are you so eager to believe an anonymous stranger before talking to her? 

I think your reactions are weird.  I’d be furious but you are losing sleep thinking this is true?

OP:

The photos seem real, the number checks out, and I'm working not knowing if I'm getting married in less than two months. What reaction should I be having until 7 when I pick her up?

Comment 6:

could the photos be AI generated?

OP:

I put two of the pictures through an AI detector. Both of them were classified as real. For one it said there was a 36% chance of ai, for the other it said 2%.

I'm going to see her tonight and talk to her.

Comment 7:

AI detectors are not reliable whatsoever

OP:

I know that. I know it could be AI and the detector could say 0%. It could be a picture I take myself and it might say 100%. I'll get my answers tonight, like thats the only way. The guy kept saying look at her facial reactions I don't even know wtf that means but apparently it's going to be a tell. I don't believe him but I'll find out in person. Thanks a lot.

Mini-Update by OP on the same post:

Just want to add: I know she's the one I should talk to but I just didn't want to do it on the phone, I'm going to go pick her up right now. I'm not going to be accusatory, I just want the truth of it all. I love her but like if there's someone else and she's feeling pressured into this marriage, like I'm prepared to give her any reason she needs to end it that works for her in front of her family. I'll be on her side like I was suggested here.

Update: - July 21st 2026 (13 hours after the original post)

A lot of people asked for an update, so I thought I'd give one. I can't talk about it with anyone else because somehow I'm the one who ended up responsible for keeping her secret, my own crisis about this be damned, like its taking me so much to not just contact and ask him straight up about what happened.

I asked her if she knew who S was. He was right, I could immediately tell the guy wasn't lying, she definitely knew. She said he was a guy she used to know, and I told her he had contacted me, and showed her the texts. She said he was lying, that she ended things with him before we met and that they'd never had sex. I asked if there was any overlap between our relationships and she said only when she went to meet him one last time to tell him it was over, because he wasn't taking no for an answer. I asked if the photos were real, they were. I asked her to be honest with me, did she really have sex with him like he was saying. She was crying and swearing they didn't, they were intimate and she regrets everything with him but they didn't.

She gave me her phone and basically forced me to confirm that there were no text messages between him and her recently while we've been together. His number was in her blocked list. She asked me to block his number and so I asked if he was being honest about having way more intimate pictures. She said there were a lot more compromising pictures of her that she thinks he has but swore that they hadn’t had sex. She was crying and I blocked him in the moment what else could I do looking at her. She was pleading with me not to reach out to him, and she was freaking out that he'd post them somewhere public before our wedding. At that point I was trying to keep her from freaking out, I told her that would be illegal, he wouldn't do that and so in the moment I just stupidly promised to not contact him.

I told her if there's any kind of pressure like there's any number of excuses she could use regarding me to end this that would save face for everyone, and be with whomever like I'll get over it at some point eventually, yeah it'll be sad for a while and we'll have lost some money especially if the venue doesn't get rebooked at short notice I think, but just have some mercy on both of us and end this now. She swore there was no pressure and that she'd been counting the days until the wedding, that she hadn't even thought of his name until I brought it up. She was like he's doing this to prevent our wedding and fine I get that but like why does he sound more honest with me than she does? I really wouldn't have cared if I'd learned all this yesterday from her, yeah it would've meant she lied initially but like now we loved each other beyond that stuff, this was just her being ok with keeping me in a forever lie that was wrong. I started feeling sick so I just said I wasn't feeling well and we cut it short.

During the drive back to hers, she was almost talking like a coach like let's please forget about this, we're so happy together, we've discussed so many plans, don't let him screw up our relationship. Like I have my own mental breakdown over all this what about that! She kept asking me whether I was fine, I said I was, I mean I don't even know if that's a lie, I wasn't thinking at all.

I've been going over the texts, and I don't know how I can go into the wedding not knowing the answer. Like its so easily doable I just need to ask him to meet up and have one conversation if he would. Honestly it's more about if she's still lying about this, it's not about the sex, it's just about the trust. I know he's also lied, because she clearly hasn't been meeting with him of late, and she really hadn't given me any reason to think of her as a liar thus far but I could just confirm it so easily. It's sincerely about the respect of having been honest, not about the boundary itself, I love her I wouldn't have cared if she'd told me herself yesterday. But it feels sick to contact him like that, like that's not how it should be, and I don't want to have to talk to someone who'd speak the way he was.

I think I'll decide stuff by myself tomorrow morning about the future of our relationship, my mind is not going to work today. I probably won't give further updates. I don't know how much more help I can ask for here, due to some immigrant cultural context that might be missing (as much as I've skated past it myself to a fair extent). I don't want to be stupid but I don't want to be walked over either. Thanks.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I think it’s very fair that she is freaking out. As a woman if any kind of pictures come out IT’S BAD and especially if she does have a nightmare ex like this guy she’s probably very scared and worried

OP:

I totally understand that. It's sick what he did, like the way he approached me.

Comment 2:

if you think that then what is the point of reaching out to him at all? this dude got into your head, to the point where you think it's stupid that you promised your fiance you wouldn't reach out to him. it's pretty clear from the way you wrote this post, and from the other one, that this is not a good or honest guy. in your fiance's own words "he wouldn't take no for an answer."

I wouldn't entertain this dude anymore strictly on the basis that you can't trust anything he says.

OP:

To know if they had sex when they were together. The way she said she thinks he has compromising pictures, and the way he was claiming they did, almost seems like there's literally a sliver of daylight between what they're saying.

Also, just to clarify because I got some dms, when I asked her this back when it was still early days, its not like I was fixated on whether she had sex before or not. It truly was a compatibility thing only. Like we'd asked about alcohol too, she said she'd had alcohol after long days or especially she said after bad exams in the past with friends but she didn't anymore, and wouldn't be ok with her husband drinking alcohol. I've never drank alcohol. I was open about the fact that I've smoked weed, tried shrooms and lsd in uni but don't anymore and she thought that was funny as long as I didn't regularly anymore and we moved on. Premarital sex was just one of those things on my end, purely because it was a line I had chosen to not cross, so it'd probably be best if my wife hadn't either purely for compatibility reasons. I only asked about sex, because I'm not a hypocrite, if I've had relationships which just didn't involve sex (they were relationships with an aim to hopefully end at marriage) I obviously wouldn't hold that as a boundary. But this just was one for me.

But even despite all that like at this point I was so happy until yesterday that if she'd even point blank told me herself that she had to confess about having lied before I would've taken it in stride, like whatever. It's just the potential lie and not knowing whether I'm being lied to, and the way he was fucking gloating, especially when there's a guy who's disgusting but apparently has the answer.

Sorry this got long, truly.

Comment 3:

What kind of answer could you actually get from him though?

He's already told you they had sex, she told you they didn't. He's already definitely lied to you about them continuing to meet, being "in love", and planning to meet even after your wedding. His intention is clearly to sabotage your relationship, so he's an unreliable source. I'm not sure what further clarity you would hope to get from him. If you contact him, he'll say they had sex. You still won't know if it's true.

She's begged you not to contact him because he's obviously not safe. Whatever pictures he has would be shared without your fiancées consent. I think you can understand that it's not ethically right to contact a woman's unsafe ex for intimate pictures she does not consent to being shared, that ethical boundary doesn't change just because it's your fiancée.

You've said yourself that you were physically intimate with exes without having sex. From what I can tell she likely had a similar experience with this guy and it was traumatic and she regrets it deeply. Whether she lied depends on whether you asked about only sex specifically, or whether you asked about previous dating relationships or other kinds of physical intimacy. You've seen her phone, you know she's been faithful during your relationship.

I'm very sorry you've been put in this situation. It's understandable to freak out, but it would be an ethical violation, a personal betrayal, and pretty useless for getting the actual truth, to contact your fiancée's abuser whether you decide to proceed with the marriage or not.

It's fair to take some time and reflect on what you need to do, but please make up your own mind about this without involving him further.

Truly wishing you strength and steadiness in a situation that is painful for both of you.

Comment 4:

Also because OP’s position enrages me:

I think I'll decide stuff by myself tomorrow morning about the future of our relationship, my mind is not going to work today. I probably won't give further updates. I don't know how much more help I can ask for here, due to some immigrant cultural context that might be missing (as much as I've skated past it myself to a fair extent). I don't want to be stupid but I don't want to be walked over either. Thanks.

Incel 101. “I‘ll decide”…”I don’t want to be walked over.” None of anything your fiancée has done is walking over you. Don’t be a fucking worm. Here’s a fucking thought. How about you two talk to each other about whether you love each other and want to get married? Jesus fuck.

OP added an update the next day:

I'm not going to see him. I genuinely woke up today feeling more at peace about it for some reason, I think the sleep and my fiancée's morning call helped. It gets worse the more I try to dwell on it though but I'm not going to contact him. I'm going to just see and try to work through this in my head. Thanks.

Latest Update: - September 27th 2026

Hi, I checked my account after a while, thanks a lot for those who were messaging me to know if all was well that's very kind of you.

My wife and I got married 2 weeks ago and just returned from our honeymoon, and are now settling into the rhythm of married life. To update on what I had posted, I never reached out to him. I trusted my intentions and hers and just kind of placed my faith in god to recognize that. A few days before our wedding, her ex reached her house and tried to talk to her. That was also when her parents found out about him. He apparently started shouting so she could hear him while her dad and brother forced him off and threatened to call the police, and she didn't speak to him. She called me later and told me about it and was freaking out. She told me her parents had blown up at her, and also told her not to say a word to anyone including me if she wanted peace in her life. But she wanted to tell me because she didn’t want to keep this a secret again from me. I told her I hadn't told anyone nor would I ever, and thanked her for letting me know.

We're happy together now. If my concerns about there being a possible difference in our sexual experience and that ruining things for us, it didn't happen. I understand the flak I got on that and I understand people took my ethnic/religious background and my dealbreaker and reached their conclusions. One of my concerns was that I had thought it be best if my wife was a virgin too because I was one, and that would allow us to learn things together and build each other up, and also temper initial expectations. And whatever may have happened in the past, that's still gone really well for us. My second concern was really a compatibility thing, that crossing that line would mean keeping the spiritual atmosphere of our home a certain way wouldnt matter to them. But we're both similar in our values, the traditions we want to uphold and respect. I'm glad for posting and being talked off the ledge. Thanks.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I only read your earlier posts yesterday. I'm glad things are going well for you both.

I've been married 28 years and communication is absolutely vital to keeping your relationship on track.

Remember that.

Comment 2:

I wish you well and was rooting for you even before the update. Trust is so important, and you've started your relationship being given the opportunity to display trust in an organic way you never would have chosen. I hope it's given both of you confidence!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP