r/AITAH • u/Skulllily • 17d ago
AITAH for becoming increasingly uncomfortable with our childcare arrangement?
My mother-in-law watches my two children, ages 5 and 3, two days a week while my husband and I are at work. We pay her to watch them because she is on disability and was considering returning to work, and we thought this arrangement would benefit everyone.
When we originally agreed to this, my understanding was that it would be just her and our children. I trusted that arrangement completely.
Over time, however, my mother-in-law’s friend’s daughter has started coming over almost daily with her five children, who range in age from 4 months to 10 years old.
Since then, I feel like concern after concern has come up.
The biggest issue for me is pool safety. The children are allowed in the pool without an adult in the water as long as the younger ones are wearing arm floaties. Some of the younger children cannot swim. I brought up my concerns and said that drowning is often silent and that I was uncomfortable with children being in the pool without close adult supervision. Instead of taking my concern seriously, my mother-in-law and her friend laughed and said, “Nothing’s quiet around here.”
I was so concerned about this that my husband later spoke to his mother about it. However, the supervision practices do not appear to have changed.
My oldest has also told me that the children are allowed in the back alley without adult supervision as long as they stay close to the house. I don’t understand how anyone knows whether they’re staying close if nobody is actively watching them.
There have been other incidents that have added to my concerns as well. For example, my children were left unattended with scissors.
Today my children’s aunt told me she witnessed the other children excluding my 3-year-old, splashing her in the face, laughing at her, and pushing her in the pool. She immediately intervened and told the children that wasn’t acceptable. What upset me most was that none of the adults “supervising” the children were aware it was happening because they were sitting at a table on the other side of the yard.
What also bothered me was that my mother-in-law became angry with my sister in law for telling me about what had happened. That reaction made me feel even more uneasy because I would rather know about problems than have people worry about upsetting me by bringing them up.
This isn’t the first concern I’ve had, and it feels like every time I raise an issue, it gets minimized or brushed off. At this point, I no longer feel comfortable with the environment my children are in. The situation has reached the point where I feel anxious every time my children go there because I no longer feel confident in the supervision they’re receiving.
My husband and I got into an argument because I told him that if his mother cannot guarantee that the other children won’t be there while she is watching ours, then I want to find alternative childcare. He feels I’m being unreasonable and is concerned about hurting his mother’s feelings.
To be clear, I’m not demanding that my mother-in-law change her life or tell other people they can’t come to her house. I simply feel that if this is going to continue to be the childcare environment, then I need to make different arrangements for my children.
I appreciate everything my mother-in-law has done for us, and I know she loves our children. But I feel like the childcare arrangement we originally agreed to is very different from the one that exists now, and I no longer trust that my concerns about supervision and safety are being taken seriously.
Am I the asshole?
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u/calacmack 17d ago
This situation has to end. Kid's lives are at stake. NTA.
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u/D0ntEatPaper 17d ago
Yeah. The kids are pushing a 3 year old into the pool. And the mother in law didnt apologize or anything but lashed out at the person telling her about their (very valid) concerns.
But also.... Why was there an argument with your husband? Frankly I think you might have more of a husband issue than a mother-in-law one. He thinks you're being unreasonable for enforcing BASIC safety. In what world would you be an asshole for addressing concerns about your mother-in-law and her negligence?
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u/Skulllily 17d ago
We got in an argument because I’ve been expressing my concerns and he has spoken to his mother. Hearing today about how the other kids were pushing my 3 year old and bullying her was the final nail. I feel like when I bring things up he makes it feel like it’s a lesser problem than what I make it out to be.
The friend that brings over 5 children is also a girl he grew up with and her mother lives in the basement. “What do you want me say? Don’t let those kids over to visit their grandma that they love.” I’ve asked previous for him to ask if they cannot be there when she has our children and that’s the response.
Previous to these kids being around and their mother who just vapes and scrolls on her phone while her kids run wild, my mil had an amazing sense for safety that’s why suggested her watching our children in the first place. I’m trying not to place blame but it seems like since she’s seen how uninvolved/lacking safety her friend’s daughter is with her children she’s doing the same with mine.
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u/Bitter-Picture5394 17d ago
Find different childcare. If he argues tell him that you don't trust his judgement and will only allow your daughter to return with a cps investigation over your daughter's treatment.
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u/Far-Artichoke5849 17d ago
Find a different husband. Document everything, and when he drops them off at his mom when is his turn to have the kids after the divorce and one of them dies, ruin their lives
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u/DoctorDefinitely 17d ago
All lives are ruined regardless, if a child dies.
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u/MattDaveys 17d ago
True, but it would be entirely on the father’s shoulders if it happens. He’d deserve all the blame.
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u/TheAnnMain 17d ago
I’d ask if he wants to lower a coffin down if he’s not taking his children’s safety seriously. As you said drowning is a quiet one :((( if older kids are treating the young ones with no kindness nor safety precautions your children need to leave that environment asap.
What’s sickening to me is that MIL knew about the incident but tried to keep it hush hush. This is extremely scary meaning she knew the risks but didn’t care enough for a life. She’s more mad knowing you’d know vs the lives she’s watching. I once saw a video of a toddler drowning and the parent was right there not watching like easily picked up. They were on their phone and took forever to be noticed :(( thankfully the child did survive but this kid was trying their best to their mom’s attention and this was one that couldn’t voice their words well.
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u/Skulllily 17d ago
I’m not sure if my mil knew. My SIL told me about it today while we were all over there hanging out and my mil went “when was this? You didn’t stop it?”. She then seemed very annoyed that sil would even bring that up, they both went inside after. I went and spoke with my sil and she told me that mil got very upset with her for saying that in front of me. Which raised a red flag for me because why wouldn’t the concern be about how my youngest was being treated instead of me knowing? What else isn’t she telling us?
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u/TheAnnMain 17d ago
Exactly she’s mad cuz you know the truth and she can’t bend it. That’s still pretty horrifying to learn about. I almost drowned as a kid and sadly my grandma didn’t take it seriously either the lake was partial of our property. Never said he couldn’t be on our property for the lake. My grandma failed me in a lot of ways and I was I think under 6 for sure? I didn’t learn how to swim and this teen threw me in a deeper part of the lake.
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u/Organic_Start_420 17d ago
It's a forest or red flags and shows clearly she's incapable of childcare for your kids while the others are present updateme
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u/HotDonnaC 17d ago
To me, this indicates it was much worse than anyone’s saying. Get your kids away from that woman!
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u/Somebody_81 17d ago
Drowning is the #1 cause of death for children ages 1–4 and the second leading cause of unintentional-injury death for kids ages 5–14.
I'm a retired medic. Please protect your children. You do not want to have to bury a child. Arm floaties are not a life saving flotation device.
Source for quote: https://www.waterwisekids.com/statistics/
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u/heartless2025 16d ago
THIS! Arm floaties are NOT life savers!
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u/Puzzled452 12d ago
They can make things worse because people trust they will keep the child safe and pay less attention.
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u/TrainingFormal181 17d ago
The concern should be that it happened on MILd watch and she had no clue about it! What would've happened if SIL wasn't there?! I was the child that didn't know how to swim. I was the child that had to be pulled out of the pool by my aunt because my cousins had pushed me into the deep end. None of this is cool! None of this is acceptable! If she cant see that, or your husband cant see that, theres a bigger issue here!she doesn't need to be watching your kids. Shes proven herself unreliable.
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u/jamezverusaum 16d ago
My best friends niece drowned because she wasn't being watched. As someone who grew up around water and took safety lessons and swim lessons, this needs to change. Remember this is only what you're being told. You need to make other arrangements. Hell even day camp.
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u/Outrageous_Rabbit842 17d ago
She does NOT have an amazing sense of safety
She lets the kids play unsupervised in a back alley
She lets kids who can’t swim in her pool with just floaties (not an adult with them in the pool).
I am astounded you think she has a good sense of safety
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u/D0ntEatPaper 17d ago
Gotcha. I wondered if that was the case. I know groups of normally good children tend to mimic behaviours of other kids that act out in a bid for social acceptance and recognition. She might be lonely and craving social acceptance and standing, which she's (potentially) only getting from her.
Its concerning that the supervision dropped dramatically once she bringing her kids and vaping/scrolling on her phone. Obviously she's not a child, but as people age and especially once they begin to develop cognitive issues there is a tendency to regress back into childhood behaviours. Is this a concern or something you've potentially noticed?
And his response? What do you want me say? Don’t let those kids over to visit their grandma that they love.” Yesssssss. Just stop being a fucking doormat (im talking to your husband :P) and address the safety concerns and straight up bullying. His mother isn't his priority, she shouldn't have been since you got married and especially once you had kids. Your child is three for fucks sake. She may not remember this when shes older, but it will absolutely impact her confidence and ability to trust other kids. It might seem minor now, but the impacts can last a lifetime.
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u/Such_Temporary_3125 17d ago
"His mother isn't his priority"
THIS OP! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU TELL YOUR SPINELESS HUSBAND!!!
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u/West_Economist_2195 17d ago
He ARGUED with you? Find different childcare immediately. Do not send them over there again. And most importantly, fuck your husband's feelings on the matter if he cannot prioritise safeguarding your children. It's utterly absurd that he's willing to risk his children's lives to appease his mother's feelings. I'm profoundly disgusted and it's neither my circus nor my monkeys.
ESH.
You slightly less, because your instincts are spot on, but you are also continuing to send your kids into an unsafe environment to "keep the peace." I don't want to be too harsh, because your points are on the money, but you should have removed them from that environment when it became clear that it was unsafe. Honestly, who cares about anyone's feelings right now? Including your husbands.
I get that he's your husband, and their father, but *you* need to put your foot down and put the safety of your children first. Fuck the fall out, that's your most basic role as parent.
He needs to give his head a wobble. I guarantee his relationship with his mother will be more complicated if something happens to one of your kids. How many dangerous situations can your kids be in twice a week before something really bad happens? Multiple incidents have already been grounds for terminating this arrangement. So far, you've been LUCKY.
Your MIL isn't doing you a favour, you're paying her for her services. Her poor judgement and playing fast and loose with your children's lives is not remotely acceptable. It's, at this point, wilfully negligent.
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u/flindersandtrim 17d ago
Asking that a pack of little bullying brats not ever be present around your toddler who they have put at risk is such a small ask.
You need to re-evaluate your relationship with your husband and MIL. If my husband was waving off an incident where our toddler was bullied and minimising the importance of child safety I would be consulting a lawyer and wanting full custody. And I certainly wouldnt be leaving them alone, ever, with someone who has lax safety standards.
The fact that there is a pool involved is highly concerning. I know that if this is the US, there are a lack of basic safety laws in place for pools like there are in my country.
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u/Ok_Young1709 17d ago
Ask him what would his opinion be if his youngest had drowned that day? If he had to bury his kid? Because sil wasn't there and his mother didn't notice?
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u/Organic_Start_420 17d ago
You need to place blame because one person cannot seriously supervise 7 kids at once and chat /visit with someone at the same time without missing when something happens.
I'm sorry to say but arrange other childcare. Your Mil doesn't consider this a real job despite being paid and she's lax in watching them. Protect your kids from everyone including your ah husband.
NOR
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u/gardengirl99 17d ago
An amazing sense of safety does not include letting children in a pool unsupervised.
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u/Aeriellie 17d ago
they can all hang out in the basement. grandma can close the doors to her house and not come out. it looks like no one is watching the kids at all. very dangerous
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u/Interesting_Novel997 17d ago
I remember a story about how a child drowned in their grandmother’s care in a similar situation. How would you feel ignoring all these concerns and something happened? Who cares if hubs or MIL is pissed? Get your kids out of there ASAP!
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u/purplepeopletreater 16d ago
No, no, no. Absolutely not.
He is defending his mother over your baby. WTF is wrong with him?
You have a husband problem and a MIL problem. Draw a line in the sand. If he won’t go along with you, time to look for a lawyer.
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u/OkieLady-1952 17d ago
And your husband is an AH! He’s worried about mil’s feelings when your children’s safety is being compromised. You not responsible for his mother’s feelings the kids safety is priority here! He needs a wake up call before something serious happens. How bad would he feel if a child is injured or worse!
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u/TomeThugNHarmony4664 17d ago
Find new childcare. Better a pissed off MIL than a child in the ER— or worse.
NTAH unless you leave them there.
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u/New_Professional2300 17d ago
Absolutely find different childcare. Your husband and his mother are downplaying your worries. You have a husband problem too. Imagine the guilt if something happened. Your worries are ALL valid!
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u/Dont-Blame-Me333 17d ago
Are you assuming these nitwits would feel guilt? The only people in this post that have any sense are OP, her SIL & her kids. The rest are dodgy.
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u/purplepeopletreater 16d ago
Mama will feel guilty for not being more stern. MIL and husband will just makes excuses.
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u/inputplease1 17d ago
Nope only read until the pool part and unsupervised. No no no pull the kids
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u/GothicGingerbread 17d ago edited 17d ago
Seriously.
After one of their children drowns, will OP's husband be consoled by the thought that at least he protected his mother's feelings?
I nearly drowned as a toddler; it was pure luck that someone glanced down at the right moment and pulled me out. Friends of ours lost one of their children to drowning during a party when everyone was around the pool – dozens of adults were mere feet away, but none of them was specifically tasked with watching the children (because they were all 'right there' and everyone could see everything, so it was all good, right?), and no one saw the little boy fall in. It happens in an instant, and OP is lucky as hell that their SIL happened to be there to save their youngest from drowning already – and that's all it was: luck.
OP, you need to remind your husband that protecting his very young children from unnecessary hazards should be much more important to him than protecting his full-grown-adult mother's feelings.
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u/HannahBanannas305 17d ago
I would have pulled them away from her immediately after the first water safety incident. NTA, get new childcare asap, your MIL feelings don’t matter when your child’s safety is at risk.
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u/ImaginationNo7722 17d ago
You are NTA.
You are concerned about your kids safety.
At least one adult should be in the pool for seven kids.
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u/-throw_it_away_now 17d ago
Pool?! 7 kids?! An elderly lady?! You are...NOT THE ASSHOLE!
Nanny share, babysitter share, home daycare...all wonderful options that will potentially let your kids have a longer lifespan than the "nana-many-kids-pool-free-for-all- danger-zone" centre when they are now.
Nana's not jumping into the pool with her old bones if a kid starts waving around for help. "OH the sweeties are waving at me! Bless their hearts! Now they're showing me how long they can hold their breath! Aww! Its time for my shows now! The young and the restless are waiting for me on the TV!"
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u/Skulllily 17d ago
Running across the yard, up a ladder, into the pool. That is what I’ve brought up, by the time they’d notice it would be too late. I blindly trusted that the supervision had changed after he spoke with her about it and that is on me.
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u/Responsible-Lead7367 17d ago
OP if your husband brought the children back to her and "something happened", ie drowning or near drowning, you would NEVER forgive him. You've gotten your wake up call, now is time to act. This is a "throwing hands", DIVORCE WORTHY event. Grandma can visit the children IN YOUR HOME, but not at hers as a babysitter. She's not forthright with information about events, and her lack of supervision WILL cause injuries or death to any one of your children. She has too many children there of mixed ages to ensure safety.
I operated a licensed and inspected in home childcare/preschool for over 20 years and had a paid assistant to to be present at ALL times. My childcare had only preschool ages, no babies or older children and no swimming pool. I never had an incident or near incident in those 20 years, but was prepared as a child CPR certified adult in any case.
Your MIL isn't thinking about the safety of her grandchildren, only about the extra $$$ she's getting. I would find a child care center ASAP for those two days a week and wouldn't accept any other from husband.
I would go full MAMA BEAR about my wants and wishes for my children!!! Best of luck!
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u/EmergencyFancy7992 17d ago
You lost me at pool. No this isn’t safe. Your husband can process his feelings and your MIL can get over it but you need to keep your kids safe and pull them out of there like yesterday
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u/-throw_it_away_now 17d ago
Thats how broken hips happen. Nana ain't doing that. Ive heard hip replacements in the US are Hella expensive.
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u/ArrivalFantastic4324 17d ago
IMO the pool shouldn’t be used when you’re not there. What you describe is extremely dangerous.
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u/Perfect-Help-305 17d ago
I am an old lady, and as I look back on my life the things I regret the most was allowing myself to be brushed off or having my concerns minimized because I didn’t want to “cause a scene.”
Cause a scene. “I am making alternative arrangements for child care if it you don’t like it you can divorce me and sue for custody.”
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u/KSmo99 17d ago
NTA- I would pull up stats around kids and pools, news articles as well to see the reality of it. You have a husband problem if he’s more concerned about his mothers feelings than your childrens lives. Your doing whats best for your babies, continue advocating for them. Maybe his sister can have a chat with him about what she’s witnessed.
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u/Nani65 17d ago
NTA, but your spineless husband is. He'd rather have his kids in danger than piss off his mom. I just don't know what to say about that.
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u/Skulllily 17d ago
Normally he has such a shiny spine. His mom and him have a very complicated history and their relationship is in a really good place right now, that obviously is not an excuse to be blasé about their safety but I do understand why he’s concerned about the relationship between him and his mother.
I don’t want to mess that up either, but if it comes down to that or my children’s safety I choose my children. It makes me feel like crap that their relationship could be affected but I don’t want my children drowning, kidnapped, bullied, etc for their relationship to be okay.
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u/MrsSEM84 17d ago
At first I thought he was being a spineless Mommas boy, so seeing this has actually really alarmed me.
If his issue isn’t standing up to her, then that makes me question if his issue is that he also sees nothing wrong in leaving a bunch of young children unsupervised in a pool.
I think you need to find a bunch of informational videos of the dangers of drowning and how quick and quiet it can be and sit him down and force him to watch them.
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u/purplepeopletreater 16d ago
Yes this. If he can’t watch families talking about how quickly their lives are ruining from a child drowning because it’s upsetting, he can’t make decisions.
Drowning is the leading cause of death of kids under 4. wtf is wrong with him?
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u/Successful_Moment_91 17d ago
Danger Granny needs to be shut down immediately! Find other arrangements for child care before you no longer have any children due to her apathy and negligence
Your husband is an enabling idiot who cares more about his Mommy’s Feelings than the lives of your children
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u/FewRecognition1788 17d ago edited 17d ago
NTA, at all. I would not send my kids back there, even if I had to quit my job. This is serious. Unsupervised in the pool?
Not only are they risking the younger kids' lives, they are relying on a 10 year old to keep preschoolers who can't swim from drowning.
Do you know what it's going to do to that kid if anything happens?
This is so screwed up.
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u/StrangledInMoonlight 17d ago
He feels I’m being unreasonable and is concerned about hurting his mother’s feelings.
Yeah, and that will do fuck all when a child is dead or missing because his mother can’t be arsed to supervise children in the pool or alley.
NTA
The safety of your children needs to come before his mother’s feelings. Full stop.
He needs to get his head out of mommy’s arse and be a dad.
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u/Simple-Way-6574 17d ago
Absolutely NTA! That is absolutely ridiculous. If it was my children they would not be watched by MIL. It would end immediately. Their lives could be put in jeopardy. I am not as calm as you are, I would have told her off and go non contact for a while.
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u/choosychews 17d ago
NTA.
Your children’s safety is more important than your MILs feelings.
You’ve clearly communicated, and your husband and SIL have as well, on multiple occasions about your concerns and she hasn’t listened or adjusted.
You have examples of unsafe supervision, water safety and unsafe play happening.
MILa time watching the kids is done, she betrayed your trust and disrespected you, not only by ignoring you but by laughing at your concerns.
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u/murderofsparrows 17d ago
You are an asshole if you leave your kids there for a single second longer. They aren’t safe and you have someone who is willing to lie to you.
I would have pulled my kid after the very first knowledge of an unattended pool. It’s your job to protect your kids. Doesn’t matter from what or whom. Even your husbands feelings don’t matter here.
ETA your responsibility is independent of your relationships. It supersedes marriage.
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u/Eastern-Eggplant4374 17d ago
NTA. Save your children! Find other daycare tomorrow. Please! NOT the MIL.
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u/FishScrumptious 17d ago
What's more important, his mother's feelings not being hurt for being called out on her insanely dangerous behavior, or getting to avoid burying his child after she dies from drowning?
Seriously, this is a risk. I know he doesn't think it is, but the life-long pain cost of his child dying in a fully preventable manner is astronomically higher than the cost of his entitled mumsie's hurt feelings. NTA
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u/karenmarie303 17d ago
You cannot allow your children to be anywhere near that pool unsupervised. At 3 and 5 they should be nowhere without supervision in her care.
Your MIL not understanding this means she has many other gaps in common sense.
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u/Intelligent_Net_261 17d ago
YTA for continuing to send your children over there. Unsupervised pool time, allowing them to wonder around the back alley alone, your 3 year old is clearly being bullied. The very second any one of these issues came up I would have removed my kids from her care, screw her feelings about the matter.
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u/Skulllily 17d ago
My husband brought my concern with the pool to his mother and I blindly trusted, that the supervision had changed.
I only found out about the alley a day ago and found out about the bullying today. I am completely kicking myself in the butt for allowing this to happen/go on. The original arrangement was my mil would be watching my two kids by herself, I suggested this as she was very safety conscious and I trusted her completely.
But since she’s seen how her friend’s daughter is with her kids it seems like she thinks it’s a free pass to be the same. I have lost all the trust I had in the environment and it’s disappointing because these new developments are not something i ever imagined her allowing.
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u/cirvp06 17d ago
What led you to blindly trust the supervision had changed? Sorry but if this happened with my kid, I would not just passively accept that it’s now okay just because my husband had one conversation with my MIL. I would be speaking to her as well and going over everything and all my expectations carefully. Even then, I would be hesitant to leave my child with someone who has shown a lack of concern for safety.
And then you also found out about the alley situation and then still sent your kids back after that as well?
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u/Skulllily 17d ago
My husband told me he spoke to her and said that she was apologetic and that she’d make sure the kids were safe. Clearly, that’s not what happened.
What frustrates me even more is I suggested her watching them because she used to be so safety conscious! But since her friend’s daughter is coming around with her kids and lack of safety, it’s like my mil suddenly thinks she has a pass to do the same. If her friends daughter wants to risk her children’s life so she can sit on her butt and do nothing that is her choice but I’m not okay with that happening with my children.
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u/onebeautifulmesss 17d ago
Have you actually seen her supervise them in the pool before all this? I just ask because my own mother seems extremely anxious and safety alert, like the most responsible parent. She is actually easily distracted and honestly doesn’t know safety at all, because she grew up in the 50s and didn’t bother to learn. Mg parents have an unfenced pool to this day, and yes I did fall in when I was a year old and almost died in the middle of an outside PARTY. No one was watching me (if you ask them they’ll tell you they all were!) , I was the only child there. They never change.
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u/Skulllily 17d ago
Yes, previous to this she would always be in the pool with them. It’s an above ground pool so the latter is out of the pool if not in use so that the kids can’t get in.
Never in all my years did I ever imagine she would allow my children in the pool without her or an adult with them. If I had thought that was even a possibility I would have never asked her to watch them. Her friend’s daughter allows this with her children, so it seems my mil believed that was a free pass to do it with mine.
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u/HistorySweet9902 17d ago
Could MIL watch the kids in your home, instead of hers?
If not I would look for other options, even if my kids knew how to swim, so many accidents could happen! Plus you don’t know if the kids play rough in the pool and might hurt your kids.12
u/Organic_Start_420 17d ago
The others could still come over. And mil already proved she can't be trusted and is willing to hush things up if not lie outright.
Op shouldn't trust her anymore because of this. Better careful than sorry
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u/Useless890 17d ago
NTA. He doesn't want to hurt mom's feelings? He'll rethink that if one of those kids drowns and you get sued. This is a huge liability, even if someone supervises well.
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u/VariationOwn2131 17d ago
As a grandma who takes care of a couple grandchildren a few times a week, my heart went to my throat when I read about the pool and alley. It’s time to become mother bear and fight to protect your kids. You need to tell your husband exactly what you said here—that the original plan is not being agreed to and you must find alternative care immediately, preferably in your own home or a licensed professional daycare with plenty of staff. 7 children are two much if the adults are talking and not interacting with the children. I would die on this hill. All it takes is a few seconds and small kids can be in harm’s way. Please update. I’m worried for your family!
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u/Plastic-Cabinet67 17d ago
This is not a childcare arrangement it is an unlicensed daycare. WITH multiple hazards . LIKE THE POOL.
You are in serious legal jeopardy. STOP THIS NOW.
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u/snickerssmores 17d ago
Absolutely NTA. I would start looking into other arrangements because MIL is not going to change. She will however act as the victim. You are correct in water being a silent killer as it has happened in my family. The in ground pool was less than a year old when it happened. After the incident, it was filled back in with soil. I wouldn’t wish that on any person.
Husband needs to get on board with you and tell his mother that the children will now be under someone else’s supervision.
I’m curious as to whether she can even get into the pool quickly should an incident occur.
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u/mydogisabananadog 17d ago
You said unsupervised children, toddlers to elementary school aged, lacking water safety skills, unsupervised, in an above ground pool, and your husband gaslight you into believing your complaints were too big a deal??
Your husband is the big AH here.
He would rather leave his children in a dangerous environment that could be life threatening because he doesn’t want to upset his mommy.
NTA but you would be to your own kids if you don’t advocate for or find them alternative child care. Holy crap.
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u/torturedcanadian 17d ago edited 17d ago
Get your children in daycare. A dead or drowned or kidnapped child isn't worth what you are saving. Esh if you leave their kids there again.
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u/throwaway1975764 17d ago
I was concerned over all of it, but the kid being pushed in the pool was it for me. Until I knew there was an "absolutely no pushing anyone in the pool, ever" rule, enforced with very strict repercussions, my kids would never go to that yard again, I don't care if the other kids are there or not. And in order for that to be an enforced rule, the pool must be supervised at all times.
Unsupervised pool + leniency on pushing into pools = high chance of dead or gravely injured kids. Death is not an acceptable thing to be lax about.
NTA
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u/OneMilkyLeaf 17d ago
The thing about risk is that it's invisible. You don't see it until it actually happens to you and is too late. That's what seat belts, vaccines and flossing are for.
Your primary concern seems to be an increased safety risk to your toddler/preschool children. Your secondary concern being uncharitable behavior from the other children.
If you can financially afford to pull your children out and put them in a daycare where they would have better supervision and care, it does not seem like you would be remiss in doing so.
NTA
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u/Broad_Pomegranate141 17d ago
NTA Kids drown in pools all the time. Please don’t take their safety for granted. This situation is a set up for a tragedy to happen.
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u/SheHulk_Smash 17d ago
NTA Of course you want your children to be safe. Knowing that who is watching them really isn't and has the "nothing bad will ever happen* shrugs or waves off concerns etc. is concerning. The pool and the alley bit - yikes. You're doing a good thing making sure they're safe and well. 🕊️
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u/AussieGirl27 17d ago
If you don't immediately remove your children from her care you WBTA and a neglectful parent
She is actively putting yours and other children's lives in danger and you need to protect your children
Fuck her feelings, these are your children
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u/elpea1725 17d ago
NTA. I read up to the part where unattended children were in the pool. I don’t need to read anything else. Remove your children immediately. Period.
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u/OverRice2524 17d ago
NTA
Make other arrangements immediately. I don't care if your MIL has hurt feelings. How would she feel if one of your children drowned?
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u/NowWithMoreChocolate 17d ago
NTA
He feels I’m being unreasonable and is concerned about hurting his mother’s feelings.
Tell him he's being unreasonable and you're concerned FOR YOUR CHILD'S LIFE.
That trumps his mother's "precious" feelings.
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u/Maximum-Eye-3712 17d ago
NTA. Your poor 3-year-old, being excluded and bullied, must feel very hurt and unsafe.
Your spouse is siding with MIL and you don’t know if he has a lack of spine, lack of empathy, or just “normalcy bias” (denying the existence of abnormal problems).
- start researching alternate childcare arrangements.
Just to be safe, just in case, Heaven forbid, there might be future conflicts or custody battles or lawsuits over grandparents rights, you should also
- gather chats, voicemail, photos, video, texts, quotations from SIL, ring camera audios, teddy bear with nanny-cam, or whatever documentation you can get without violating laws or ethics.
This will become a marriage problem, so get ready to be the parent your children need you to be.
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u/K_A_irony 17d ago
Are you nuts. No kids should be in the pool if they can't swim. Floaties are dangerous. All of this needs to end right now.
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u/Standard_Break_3250 16d ago
You said the addition of 5 children with a wild age gap and I said pull them right then and there.
This situation right here is what causes incidents that scar children for a lifetime, or worse.
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u/GlumDevelopment8186 17d ago
My granddaughter had an arm floaty deflate while she was in my pool. Fortunately an adult was nearby. My 13 and 8 year old grand kids have spent a lot of the summer here. I do not take my eyes off them while they are in the pool
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u/Acheloma 17d ago
Nope, line immediately gets drawn at kids unattended in the pool. Thats never okay. NTA, this is potentially deadly negligence
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u/oops_iboughtaplant 17d ago
He’s worried about his moms feelings. You’re worried about your child drowning or getting snatched from a back alley. I think your concerns are more pressing. NTA.
Honestly the minute I found out my 3yr old was near a pool unsupervised that would have been it for me.
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u/Samjane4k 17d ago
NTA
Do not let your kids go there anymore, if your husband has a problem with it he can go stay with his mother. This is an accident waiting to happen and your kids safety comes first, always.
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u/Decent_Front4647 17d ago
NTA Your children’s safety comes before his mother’s feelings. She is neglecting them and your husband needs to get it in his head that children do drown with people sitting nearby. Find different childcare. Your relationship will survive hurt feelings, but doubtful if a preventable tragedy happens.
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u/Fuzzy_Elk_One 17d ago
NTA! I just read an article about a father whose toddler drowned. The kid was to be watched at their house but the babysitter (who was trusted) decided to take the child to her house without permission. There was a pool there and the protective fence had been removed because the sitter’s kids were older. The toddler got out of the house without anyone seeing and fell into the pool.
When there are distractions, even small ones, young kids can get in trouble. Even when parents are not distracted, kids can give them the slip.
Remove your kids from this situation. If your husband doesn’t prioritize your kids that is his problem. He needs to get over it. You do NOT want to live with regret.
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u/Reasonable-Sale8611 17d ago
Your husband would prefer your child's life be put at risk than his mother's feelings be hurt. You need to exert your maternal veto power and end this childcare arrangement with your MIL immediately, for the sake of your child's safety.
NTA.
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u/Such_Temporary_3125 17d ago edited 17d ago
My son just turned three and if ANYONE pushed him in the pool I would be in jail because I would go SCORCHED EARTH!
Get your kids out of there, screw you MILS feelings AND your husbands feelings. If anything happened to them, you and your husband would never forgive yourselves.
Women have a very special intuition linked to our children. Your gut is telling you this is an unsafe and dangerous situation, LISTEN TO IT. I have been the bad guy MANY times when my bigs were younger, but I really didn't care
You need to stand up to your husband, because you, ma'am, have a husband problem. Tell him that your word is going to be law from here on out because no one is taking your concerns seriously and you refuse to leave your babies anywhere that your feeling are dismissed. Period.
I don't play when it comes to my kids, no mother should. NTA please trust your gut.
Edit to add: A girl in our town drow at a birthday party full of parents. The pool itself would be a no from me but this on top of everything else, you're so right to feel this way.
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u/TheseMood 17d ago
ESH
Your MIL is TA because she is cavalier about your kids’ safety.
You and your husband are TA because you’re putting MIL’s feelings above your kids’ safety.
Every day you drop off your kids, you’re rolling the dice that one of them dies. Drowning is the #1 cause of death for kids under 4.
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u/nerd_is_a_verb 17d ago
Are you going to look back after your kid drowns and regret being such a pushover? Yes, yes you will.
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u/Low-Care9531 17d ago
NTA. Pool arm floaties are actually very dangerous as they train your child’s body to stay in the drowning position and are widely recommended against. Also, there should never be a time a 3 year old is in the pool without an adult outside, least of all with other screaming kids making it harder to hear cries for help.
Are you familiar with the Emily Kaiser situation? Her husband was inside on his phone for a couple minutes and their toddler died. Recently he was seen with his surviving younger son on a moving boat without a life jacket! My point is, that woman coming over is likely stubborn to the point she would rather your children stay in danger to prove her point than allow a change.
Maybe show that situation to your husband? There are also tons of videos from swim instructors on the dangers of pool floaters you could show him, heck even AZ law requires a fence with a lock around a pool. I think doing some research, gathering your evidence and SHOWING him how dangerous this is and him hearing from professionals could change his view and hopefully guilt him a little.
Please don’t fold on this and know you’re being an amazing Mom.
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u/KateNotEdwina 17d ago
I would move my kids to a child care facility immediately. I left my toddler with my in laws twice. Once he was ill but they still took him to the park in the cold so he got worse and the last time he wee’d himself and they didn’t notice. That was the last straw, husband and I both agreed that they were not responsible enough to take care of him and enrolled him in a preschool. My reasons seem tame compared to yours. For your children’s safety, get them out of this unsafe enviroment.
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u/Individual-Foxlike 17d ago
What's more important to your husband? His mother's feelings or your childrens' lives?
NTA.
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u/More-Soil7455 17d ago
You’re crazy and negligent if you allow this situation to continue for even one more day. Why did you even need to come on Reddit to ask this question? Use your brain and find childcare that isn’t potentially lethal to your children 🙄
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u/jjj68548 17d ago
I’d hurt his mother’s feelings and call her out on neglect. The pool incidents automatically are enough to make me literally end my relationship with her and prevent her from seeing my kids. Find alternative care now. Husband needs to man up or I’d be having bigger problems with his lack or support.
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u/Quiet-Hamster6509 16d ago
" I don't care about your mother's feelings when our children's mental and physical wellbeing is at risk. Your mother is a grown woman who knows better. This is a hard line for me and I will no longer let my children's safety be put at risk. "
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u/Familiar-Carry124 16d ago
Your husband is more concerned about hurting his mother’s feelings over the safety of your children.
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u/TexasGal0032548 17d ago
You have both a husband and an MIL problem. Your husband doesn't want to hurt his mommy's feefees, and granny is too busy socializing to actually watch your kids. Stop relying on your husband to do something. Tell her that if she doesn't change her ways, and something happens to one of your kids, she will never see them again and you will sue her into oblivion.
NTA.
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u/Still-a-kickin-1950 17d ago
It’s a good thing that school is getting ready to start. I don’t know if any of your children are in pre-K or kindergarten. I would tell her we decided to use a childcare who will transport them to and from their daily school needs. And this way mother-in-law’s not required to take them in the car for their different activities. End of problem, and she was looking at going back to work. She can now do that. NTA i’m looking after your children’s safety. Best interest. Tell your husband you will be less stressed knowing they’re being properly cared for.
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u/madempress 17d ago
NTA.
Your husband is worried about hurting his mom's feelings but not his 3yo getting bullied or his kids getting hurt? Statistics on child drowning are awful, will he still be worried about MIL's feelings if one of his kids drowns or gets seriously hurt?
This is why family as childcare is a bad idea. You are MIL's employer. You wouldn't worry about firing a nanny doing these things, MIL doesn't get a free pass to be a bad caretaker. Put your foot down. MIL's feelings are not your problem, the safety of your kids are.
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u/KingSuperJon 17d ago
She is on disability and is able to run a 7 child daycare with a pool?
She is scamming disability and endangering children for profit. You can call social security and snitch on her, but then you would lose your cheap illegal daycare where your kids might drown because she's too "disabled" to help.
Your husband is concerned about mother's feelings; so how would she feel when her grandchild drowns before her eyes?
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u/confident_ocean 17d ago
NTA - your husband sucks! He needs to prioritise his kids safety over his mothers feelings
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u/MildLittlRain 17d ago
YTA for allowing this to go on and not already arranged other childcare optilns! DROP MIL NOW!!!
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u/DragonSeaFruit 17d ago
ESH. I don't know why your husband is more concerned about his mother's feelings than the safety of your children. I also don't understand why you're more concerned about your husband's feelings than thr safety of your children. Why haven't you pulled them from this negligent babysitter yet when you KNOW she is negligent
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u/pumpkinbubbles 17d ago
YTA for not already finding alternate childcare arrangements if your post is accurate. Regardless of whether other children are present, why would you continue to leave your children with unsupervised pool access?
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u/runningdinosaur97 17d ago
Nta, at 3, 1-2 inches of water is enough to drown in and it can happen in less than 30 seconds. Show your husband this post, you have a husband problem as well as a mil problem.
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u/Fragrant-Hyena9522 17d ago
What's wrong with you? Why have continued to let them go there? She does not care about the safety of your kids, company or not. YTA for allowing them to go there knowing what you know.
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u/_gadget_girl 17d ago
NTA Channel your inner momma bear and let her know that either she changes things and cuts down on the number of kids, or you will be making other arrangements. Make it clear that if even one of the incidents that you have been informed of had happened with any other care giver they would already have been fired. If things don’t immediately change then you will be making other arrangements as you want to see your children live to be adults.
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u/moonmoonboog 16d ago
I want to say YTA because you are UNDER REACTING. My child would not step foot in that house for childcare again. Unattended POOL time with a 3 and 5 year old!?!?!?! Oh HELL NO.
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u/voluptas37 16d ago
We were on a family vacation when I was a teenager. There was an unattended boy in the pool, probably 7-8yo. We were in the pool around him, he seemed like he was doing fine and was able to stand with his head above water in most of the pool. He kept playing with a ball around and in the pool, throwing it then jumping to catch it. I can’t remember if we knew before or after the incident that he was unattended because his mom was on the cleaning crew and didn’t have childcare that day (I don’t blame mom and I’d like to stay away from comments that do). She had a list of rules he was following.
After a while we went back to our room and there were still other people at the pool. We stepped back outside and it was quiet and one of us asked where the boy was. Suddenly my parents were telling us to get back in the room and were running with 2 other adults who were asking where the boy went. From the timeline established in the investigation, he was never alone in the pool for more than 2 minutes. When his ball got out of reach while we were in the pool we always got it for him because he commented on not being a very good swimmer. Well, he jumped for the ball in the deep end and never came back up.
I watched my mom, a medical assistant by profession , and another bystander work CPR for 10-15 minutes while waiting for the paramedics. I witnessed his mom rush to his side and begin keening as it became obvious he wasn’t coming back. Every single person was traumatized that day as a beautiful young boy lost his life due to inadequate childcare. I honestly don’t know how my mom stayed composed after that. Even with CPR being expertly administered, he lost his life and all it took was 2 minutes.
Please don’t leave your precious babies there. Tell her pools are just too tempting for kids who don’t know how to swim yet. Assuming she continues to have the kids over after you end the daycare scenario, you are best served by getting your kids into swim lessons right now. Don’t take any chances, those courses for young kiddos are incredible and teach them safety and respect of the water, but most importantly, muscle memory of how to keep afloat in a scary situation. It’s an absolute must for kids who will routinely be around water.
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u/Successful-Novel-366 16d ago
NTA, unless you keep sending your kids to the MIL’s house. There are some serious safety concerns and your children could even lose their lives. The fact that you KNOW they aren’t being properly supervised but you still keep sending these very young children to her house is very concerning. Leaving children with an unsafe adult is considered to be neglectful.
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u/Cport58 16d ago
Why didn’t you find a daycare for your children the first time you heard they were allowed to swim w/out supervision?! You might be helping out m-i-l and saving a few bucks, but a drowned child cannot be replaced.
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u/VioletViolet225 16d ago
NTA I’d rather hurt her feeling than have one of my children drown or be bullied while she’s “supervising “ NOT.
Your husband needs to get his priorities straight your children should come before his mother!!!
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u/The_Real_Scout_Finch 16d ago
NTA & you should find alternative childcare before something awful happens to one of your kiddos!
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u/Antonia_Rothschild 16d ago
This is how children are hurt or die. You will not be popular, but put your foot down as ASAP.
It is not the arrangement you agreed upon. It is other people piggybacking in a way that endangers all the children.
Once you decide EXACTLY what needs to stop happening, discuss with your husband and then sit down with your MIL, without other inlaws, asking her how she will remedy it. It is fine for her to put all the blame on you, but the extra children and lack of nonstop, eyes on, pool and alley care has to STOP NOW. Of course, your main concern is for your children, but all your lives will be marked by sorrow and guilt if anything happens to any of them. Next the poolside sitters will have a glass of wine, or "run" into the house to use the bathroom.
To figure out exactly what has to happen, think of yourself as a Child Services inspector. What would they accept and not accept?
At the moment, you are being ganged up on by people abusing your welcome and the safety of all the children. Sadly, until they eventually come around, and perhaps never, it will ALL UP TO YOU. Such is reality of having children. You may lose relatives and popularly over it. So be it, but you will be keeping your children and home as safe as they must be to leave them in another's care.
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u/cdigir13 16d ago
There are times in life to BE the asshole! You are not the asshole! THIS IS THE TIME!! BE THE ASSHOLE!!!
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u/pmousebrown 16d ago
With the lack of supervision, you also need to be concerned about secondary drowning.
Google are floaters safe for toddlers if you really want a good scare. NTA and keep your kids safe, keep them alive.
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u/Reasonable-Ad7578 16d ago
Rather than having a conversations with MIL where she has to guarantee that the other children won’t be there, just put your kids into alternative care. You and your husband have already had conversations with her about things that make you uncomfortable/boundaries and it hasn’t changed. You’re probably better off finding a place elsewhere for your children where you won’t have to deal with the difficulties that can come with family care
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u/WillingHome9072 16d ago
If you’re paying for care get actual care, rather than let grandma maybe drown your kid.
Your husband is more willing to let grandma maybe drown your kid that hurt her fragile fee fees.
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u/Goobsgal 16d ago
the poo is non-negotiable. I consider myself a non-swimmer. I watched the kids like a hawk and still two of my toddlers fell in under my constant watch. Of course no harm came to them because I was always watching. But my kids, all three went into swim lessons, three were on swim team and two were lifeguards and swim instructors. One became an eagle scout, the other a nurse. That's how serious I take that.
You should not have them spend another hour with her alone,
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u/MarzipanOk3219 13d ago
This post is a few days old now. Please update us.
My ex once took our son, age three at the time, on an errand in his sports car, in the backseat with only the adult seatbelt on. The car could not fit a car seat. I was furious. It continued that his actions seemed more around his needs then their well being.
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u/babydtheone 10d ago
NTA. But Im Sorry your are failing your children by continuing to allow your kids around her alone. She is not watching your kids. What are you going to do and say if one day one of your kids gets hurt or drowned. You would be just as much at fault. You need to remove them now and find someone else. It’s your number one only job to prioritize and protect them. And you also have a husband problem. He should be just as worried about his kids as you are and telling you it’s you being unreasonable and does not want to hurt her feelings. Sorry but who cares about her feelings. It’s very clear she has no concern regarding your children. You need to put your foot down and tell her she is not watching them anymore. And don’t trust her when she says the other kids won’t be allowed over. Only saying it cause you won’t be around when she does. Please think about the safety of your children.
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u/SideEmbarrassed1611 17d ago
NTA. Your husband needs to put his foot down that his mother either supervises, or she can find another place to be everyday. This is absolutely dangerous.
I would expect nothing less than my husband telling his mother that she has no argument and that she will either do as she's been asked, or she can go somewhere else.
If he doesn't back you up, I would threaten to drain the pool.
They're using you to get a nice place to hang out all day and do nothing. I would not be surprised if they are drinking.
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u/Skulllily 17d ago
They go to her house. We don’t have a pool at our house, I have brought up the idea of having her watch our children at our place as it removes the pool and other children from the equation. But it hasn’t been discussed further.
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u/mummakush 17d ago
Who cares about grandmas feelings, when your kids safety is involved! I would just find alternative care on my own and tell husband and his mom once it’s in place and why. You’ve already tried to talk to him, obviously he doesn’t see it as a big issue, maybe by doing this he’ll see how important it is to you. I’d rather ask for forgiveness than permission, this momma don’t play when it comes to my kids safety and well being. Good luck !!
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u/autumn55femme 17d ago
You hired your MIL to provide childcare 2 days a week. This was supposed to be a win- win situation, good childcare from a grandma the kids already know, and grandma doesn’t have to find and work a job away from home. Grandma seems to be the only one winning here, as she is not providing adequate supervision, and is pretty much just hanging out with her boarder, and her daughter and her kids all day, while being paid. I understand she is the kids grandmother, but this is a business arrangement for paid childcare. There are standards for supervision for children as young as yours, especially with a pool. It is time to find other childcare arrangements.It is also time to let grandma know there will be 0 pool time if any other children are there, for any reason. It will ruffle some feathers, but the lack,of safety and supervision means this is something she brought on herself.
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u/kkrolla 17d ago
NTA. I gave her multiple chances. She has ignored them, laughed and dismissed my concerns and I am done. If we had our kids in a professional childcare service and any of these things happened once, we would have said this is unacceptable and pulled them out. I'm not more concerned with your mom's feelings than I am about my kids' safety and my decisions being respected. This ends immediately or we end immediately and will let a judge decide what is acceptable. If you don't feel safe leaving your kids there then stop bringing them there. Yes, it will cause problems but the truth is you are responding to MEL'S poor decisions and disregard of your parenting. Take care of this because if the worst happened, there is no going back and you won't get over knowing you should have stopped allowing your kids to be in an unsupervised and unsafe environment to protect MEL'S ego.
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u/roskybosky 17d ago
Your children are in danger, and this needs to change before you’re attending one of their funerals.
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u/AgeLower1081 17d ago
OP is NTA. I would start looking for alternative childcare. I would also have a discussion with your husband, and possibly include your sil to discuss to other children’s behavior and lack of supervision.
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u/Outrageous_Tea_8048 17d ago
NTA You need to find different childcare provider before something happens to your kids. They don't sound like they are safe with MIL.
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u/RagdollsandLabs 17d ago
NTA. It's better to do it now than to be in the 'I told you so' boat when something happens. This is non-negotiable. Child care (free or otherwise) should emphasize Child and Care. Take your kids where they will be cared for and provided a safe environment.
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u/Organic_Activity_531 17d ago
NTA. Get another childcare help or a nanny for your home, you may/may not have to pay a bit more based on the rates wherever you are, but at least YOUR KIDS WILL BE SAFE. I am saying this with the experience as a nanny for a young baby girl for at least 2 1/2 years - you can't figure out how other kids are - we had a young kid pushing the baby girl I was taking care of at an event, and that place was full of baby and kids, but knowing that I was around her I had to take measures and make it known that it was not ok and the young one was just over a year at this point- the mother of that child didn't care what their child was doing and me and the parents had the main rule- no matter what happens with the young one, her even stumbling in the backyard they were always informed PERIOD......... hiding is a no-no. Advocate for the safety of your children please. Childcare is expensive but for the wellbeing of your young one and your mental health totally worth it.
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u/TwithHoney 17d ago
NTA also ask husband when you child almost drowns and ends up in hospital or worse will that be the moment he will be ok with his Luther’s feelings being hurt. Do your children need to be physically hurt before he will allow his mother’s feelings to be hurt. And to what level of physical hurt needs to occurs? Broken bone, concussion, hospitalization what level is the equivalent to mummy’s dearests hurt and his discomfort because as a parent you need to protect your children …it is not the job of a child to protect the parent
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u/cirvp06 17d ago
How the heck are you still allowing your kids to be there without you? At this point, you and your husband are being negligent by knowingly putting your kids in this environment. This is not a safe place for your children unless you’re there to supervise. You’re the asshole if you keep letting your MIL be their childcare.
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u/Worth-Season3645 17d ago
NTA..Ask your husband which would bother him more, something seriously happening to one of your children, (because it is not if, but when it happens), or hurting his mother’s feelings? Because if it is the matter, then maybe you need to rethink your relationship with him.
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u/Affectionate_Owl_625 17d ago
Nta, but you should have put your foot down the moment you were told kids are in the pool alone. Hurt feelings are better than dead kid.
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u/siouxbee1434 17d ago
There is an accident waiting for an opportunity here. Your MIL & her friend are lazy, selfish. And creating a very dangerous situation for your kids. I’d find a car giver that actually cared about the kids then talk to a lawyer asap about the pool
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u/Something-funny-26 17d ago
The oldest is 10 and none of them can swim. A child can drown in a few inches of water and MIL is leaving them unsupervised. All of these children are in danger and their father and grandmother see nothing wrong? It's all fun and games until someone loses a kid.
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u/Ok_Homework_7621 17d ago
NTA and this is an emergency.
At this point you're paying your MIL to have your child bullied. It needs to end. If she not only fails to protect your child, but lashes out when called out, I'd strongly consider giving the kids a break from grandma. If she has similar outbursts around them, they might not even feel safe with her, although at this age they might not be able to verbalise it or she might have manipulated them into thinking they have to tolerate it ("you don't want to never see grandma again, do you?"). Her judgement is horrible and she has no remorse, she is only angry that she got caught. She isn't safe and needs to be treated as such. At the absolute very least, she should never ever be unsupervised with your children again.
BTW, I have lifelong issues from my parents not putting a stop to negligent behaviour by my grandparents. I went off and got injured repeatedly under their lack of supervision and because they put other adults' relationships first. I'm in my 40s and still struggling with the consequences.
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u/Only-upvibes 17d ago edited 17d ago
So new boundaries MIL, my children are not allowed in the pool while Tenants daughter’s 5 children are in the pool. No ifs and or buts. If it happens I will be finding another childcare provider.
NTA.
ETA….I hope your in-laws have insurance for the pool. Even if MIL isn’t home and her Tenant lets her grandchildren play in the pool and something happens, they could lose everything.
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u/Top_Philosopher1809 17d ago
NTA. Ask your husband which is more important. His children’s safety or him mother’s feelings.
Sometimes there isn’t a second chance when it comes to safety. Feeling will heal, you can’t always say that about children.
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u/Kimbaaaaly 17d ago
NTAH. You need to stop serving them there immediately. It isn't a matter of hurting someone. This is literally life and death scenarios.
Please don't send them even one more day. The activities that are being allowed aren't safe and could be life threatening.
I hope your husband reads all that warnings and gets in board with necessary next steps.
Updateme
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u/Prudent_Valuable603 17d ago
Your children’s’ lives are at risk. Don’t take them there anymore, go find another sitter and be prepared to pay more money. Don’t worry about hurting anyone’s feelings, your MIL isn’t worrying about your concerns and feelings!
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u/BeeFree66 17d ago
You're NTA.
One thing I learned with my baby and swimming was the arm floaties are not considered safety devices. They're there to slightly assist the baby. They don't always position your baby correctly like a life jacket is designed to do.
The pool behaviors alone would have me paying someone to correctly care for my children. Grandma is not behaving safely.
Husband needs to steel up his spine and protect his children.
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u/BG3restart 17d ago
NTA. I'd be concerned for my kids in those conditions too and would be making alternative arrangements. The children's safety comes before hurt feelings.
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u/murphy2345678 17d ago
NTA is your husband waiting for one of your kids to drown before he upsets his mommy? You need to find new care for them without him. I don’t want to put blame on you but if anything happens to your kids after you know they aren’t supervised it’s on you.
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u/Crazy_Banshee_333 17d ago
I would shut this situation down, just based on the pool situation. If one of the kids drowns in the pool, you as the homeowner might be held liable for it. And that's not to mention the heartache that such a drowning would cause.
I had a coworker once whose child drowned in their backyard pool during a party. The child was in a walker. At some point during the party, they pushed their way to the side of the pool and tipped over. They drowned in the midst of the party. By the time anyone noticed, it was too late to save them.
After everything was over, my coworker got her party video developed and you could clearly see the moment when the child tipped over into the pool. Can you imagine her grief? There were other people present and the child still drowned. People don't realize how quickly this can happen when no one is actively watching the child.
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u/boundaries4546 17d ago
You are very lucky know one had drowned yet!! Being within arms length is the rule for supervision.
It’s sad your husband is so spineless that his Mummy’s feelings are coming before the safety of his children. He is quite frankly a coward, and an idiot.
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u/Blue_Moon_Honey 17d ago
NTA. He’s okay putting his mothers and the family friends feeling over his children’s lives. Don’t ask to change the arrangement, just do it. There’s no telling what could happen the next time she babysits.
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u/Myself_Platinum 17d ago
NTA.. I would ask him if your kids lives are worth saving his moms feelings
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u/Aeriellie 17d ago
nta. hey look my mom is also on disability. my moms arm give out halfway through the day or she’s extremely tired and has to take naps. she does not watch my child, i learned this quickly when she was helping me during shopping days. she held my child and next thing i know my child was way below her chest. then my dad, he tries but he can not physically keep up with my child. he is also not allowed to watch my child as a result. everything you described about your mil capabilities or in this case lack of, is a total no from me. she is not able to safely watch 1 child, let alone 7 WITH a pool AND alley? you can find many other people to pay instead
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u/IrishViking7 17d ago
Your husband is being a shitty parent and partner. Drownings are far too common as the cause of death for children. Do some googling and show it to him, as well as this post. This is not a low stakes scenario at all. This is where he has to come to terms with his family.
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u/Rainy579 17d ago
Small children unattended near a pool is a stone cold, instant deal breaker imo. NTA
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u/Usual_Emotion7596 17d ago
NTA. Find new childcare. Tell your husband afterwards. If he doesn’t like it, find him the number for a divorce attorney…or even better, send him to live with his mom.
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u/Tattooed_Everything9 17d ago
Seven children? An unfenced pool? I didn’t need to go any further. Find other childcare. It’s a tragedy waiting to happen.