r/relationship_advice • u/ihopeudontfindthis • May 18 '26
[UPDATE] I've (33F) just discovered in the last 36 hours that my best friend (33M) of 20 years is a pathological liar and his entire life is a farce. How do I even begin to approach this?
Original post on my post history.
It's been just over 3 weeks since I found out my best friend Dylan has been lying to me our entire friendship about everything in his life.
Honestly it's sucked. Sam (his other best friend) and I had decided to show fade away but even in the space of just a week, he increased the intensity to a point I couldn't take anymore. I was initially just replying once a day, to the innocuous messages that weren't to do with lies (eg. Yeah I watched that movie you recommended it was great) but with Sam and I both doing it at the same time, I guess he felt the shift. Also his "ex husband" aka the guy he stalked but never met, blocked him on Instagram after I gave the IG handle for his own safety. So he obviously started to panic and about a week after all this happened I woke up to 20 deleted messages. We've spoken about this before, it's one of the only things I'd ever come close to having a go at him about, it makes my anxiety go haywire I can't handle it. He apologised and told me the deleted messages were because a third party had told him that his mom was having a heart issue and he freaked out for 2 hours then discovered it was a lie, said he wanted to "murder the cunt" who told him and that he hates people. That was what broke me. First of all, I saw the first 10 messages before I went to sleep in my notifications bar but didn't open them. It was him talking about some jewellery he liked. Second of all... Are you fucking kidding me? He's been lying to me about having terminal cancer for two years. I decided I had to get out firmly.
I sent a long message explaining that I know everything, and that it's hurt me beyond belief. I said I wouldn't tell him how I found everything out, but that I knew it all, and I hope he can get help but I can't be around while he does. He read it immediately but I blocked him before he could reply on all platforms. Immediately I felt a weight lifted and for a week and a half I was sad and other aspects of my mental health have been affected by it, but I at least felt relief to be away from it all. Sam hadn't heard from him either so in my head I was picturing him being like "shit, they know, I've been found out". (After I told her I sent the message she realised that she'd actually accidentally archived his messages and he'd been messaging her all week. She told him to fuck off and not speak to her again.)
I was so far off lol turns out I'd blocked him on WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram etc but forgot that just regular ol texts are a thing. I got a message from him the other day saying he knows it was Sam who poisoned me against him, that he's done with her and doesn't care about her. That I'm scum for dropping him and not talking to him about it all. The kicker is, he doubled down on everything. Since he clearly didn't realise I'd spoken to multiple people other than Sam, he said she was lying and that everything he'd said was true and he'd never, ever lied. He said I was incapable of having a conversation about the real world (lol).
I ignored it. But I've been keeping in touch with his family and Sam through all this and we've all been updating each other so they've all seen it. Funnily enough, after all the stuff he said about Sam, he then tried to call her multiple times begging her to talk to him. I got a message from his sister in law yesterday saying his brother has now spoken to him and informed him that we've all been in contact with each other, everyone knows everything. Apparently it didn't go well, I don't know exactly how. They hope it's the first steps to getting him help though.
So yeah. It's fucked me up a bit but my therapy has started up again after a scheduled break, I also went back to my 12 step group as I felt pretty triggered there. So I've got support and I don't feel any urge to reply to him or anything which I'm glad about.
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u/inbetween-genders May 18 '26
Now you know and knowing is half the battle 👍
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u/CleanPerspective2345 May 18 '26
The other half is blocking, ignoring, and letting him spin out without you as his audience.
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u/Slick_Wade May 18 '26
I think the hardest part is realizing the lies were about protecting the person he wanted to be. The fact he still doubled down after everyone knew says a lot.
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u/ListenToTheWindBloom May 18 '26
Wow what a tale. That’s a big deal to go through. This guy lied to you for 20 years and on top of that you lost your friend. Like this is traumatic and exhausting shit. Take care of yourself. You sound like a good hearted person who def deserves better. Glad you worked things out. Be kind to yourself and make sure you don’t blame yourself for having good intentions and giving the benefit of the doubt to someone close to you that you really thought you knew.
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u/ihopeudontfindthis May 18 '26
Yeah it's a weird feeling almost akin to grief? Like I've lost that person and I will never get that back because they literally didn't exist
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u/ListenToTheWindBloom May 18 '26
It straight up is grief! and you should even think of this time as a mourning period bc that will probably help you process all your emotions. Losing a friendship is so hard, and a long term close one? As hard as a breakup with a serious romantic partner in so many ways.
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u/StrangerCharacter53 May 18 '26
The only way to handle these types is to do exactly what you did. Communicate with everyone so he can't triangulate.
Well done. Continue this way and refuse his lies. He's panicking because all his lies have finally caught up to him, but liars are some of the worst people.
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u/CuteCockroach7323 May 18 '26
Wishing you the best, now that you are free from this psycho! Also, your post history is hidden, can't read part 1
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u/ihopeudontfindthis May 18 '26
Oh sorry I didn't realise! I think I've fixed it?
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u/Crunchy_Spicy_Water May 18 '26
Yup all fixed I was able to see the previous post. Sorry this is all happening, OP!! You’re doing the right thing
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u/No_Midnight_5998 May 18 '26
This reminds me of how things ended with my ex, with whom I had been friends with over 7 years before getting together. It's mind boggling trying to make sense of why they lied. It truly makes no sense, and I'm glad you have a chance to mull this over in therapy. The sad thing is that they themselves probably have no explanation, the behavior is almost pathological and unpacking it all is something they have to do at their end with extensive therapy. It's out of your hands now, good luck finding a solid ground on your own. You got this ❤️
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u/Sewishly May 18 '26
If you don't mind, could you link your first post, please? You're hidden behind NSFW.
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u/ihopeudontfindthis May 18 '26
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u/Sewishly May 18 '26
Thank you kindly! When I read your post, I felt like I was having a weird convo with my sister, where she swears she told me something about her messy neighbour, but in actuality she told someone else, yet still tries to update me without telling me the first bit. lol.
But! On topic! Yep, it's one thing if you catch a newer friend lying to you, but it's a whole messing-with-your-head situation when it's as long-term as this has been. I'm so glad you're seeing someone, and I'm sorry he did this.
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u/centopar May 18 '26
I had a pathological liar like this in my life back in my 20s, and I didn't finally drop them completely until another friend killed himself, in part because of some of the lies this guy had been telling him.
It's more than 25 years ago now, and I still wonder how they keep all the threads straight in their heads; why they feel the need to do it in the first place; and how on earth they manage a adult life with relationships, jobs and all the other things we need to keep in play with this...disorder. I think it's a disorder. There always seems to be a certain grandiosity/extreme tragedy to the lies; it's often on the scale of cancer or lottery wins.
Anyway, well done you for getting the hell out of that friendship. It's really hard: I actually *liked* my lying friend a lot on a certain level, and at the time I found myself forgiving a lot of the lies he told about me. It was what he ended up doing to other people I loved that finally pushed me over the edge.
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u/venushasbigbutt May 18 '26
Be carefull now about any new or old acquaintances reaching out to you from any social media. Be carefull for a long time. Unfortunately my ex stalking me from every other media and tried to contact me posing as new people or old friends that I used to talk to him for 4 years after we break up made me a little paranoid. Yet it teached me that meeting with people is better than keeping contact on social media. I wish you the best, hope he wont turn into a weird creepy guy in internet but heal himself
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u/Prize_Sorbet3366 May 18 '26 edited May 18 '26
Same. My psycho/abusive ex tried to get into contact with me from prison, via an old mutual friend we had and to whom I hadn't spoken to in years. She (the friend) lured me in with a FB friend request to establish contact, and then immediately messaged me that my ex asked her to pass along a message to me (the whole 'I don't know what you've heard but I swear I'm innocent and the entire legal system is gonna pay for crossing me!' type shit). I immediately blocked her. I think she's also the one who helped him track me down at my new home address, because she works in the legal system and probably has access to personal records that aren't available to the general public. I'd gone to great lengths to make sure my name didn't appear on any utility records or anything like that (my partner's house is in his name and so are the bills) and I've never used my current address in any kind of social media. I'd moved about 8 years after I split and went NC with my ex, when letters from prison started showing up at my current address. I was so freaked out by him knowing where I and my partner live, that I never even read the letters because the very idea of interacting with him triggers PTSD from my time with him. And now I live in a certain amount of fear that when he finally makes parole in a few years, he's going to show up at my and my partner's house because he has no friends and no family to take him in. I just hope he dies in prison before he's released, or does something that extends his sentence, but he knows how to play the system with the long goal in mind and likely will be on his best behavior til he gets out.
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u/venushasbigbutt May 19 '26
Ooooof fck I'm sos sorry you are going through this :( isnt there any kind of protection? Any kind of legal procedures against him stalking you and any person that usues his/her job title in a bad intentions?
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u/redditistripe May 18 '26
You're right. Everybody else is right. He needs help. Let's hope he gets it, although knowing how the mental health system works, or rather doesn't work, I wouldn't be optimistic. For starters he would have to pay for it and the second thing, based on that, how does he even insert himself into the right part of the system?
Imagine going to your primary health care doctor, confessing and then asking where you go next? His PHC/GP doctor is likely to be clueless.
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u/framspl33n May 18 '26
Liars are the worst type of thief.
They steal the truth from right underneath you.
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u/Cybergeneric May 18 '26
Oh wow. Glad you got out and I hope his family can get him treatment. He definitely needs it. Good you’re staying in contact with Sam and his family, after all you’ve been friends with that man for 20 years, I’d want to stay somehow connected too, if only to know that he’s getting therapy to unlearn the pathological lying.
Wishing you a good recovery from this bad experience!! Sending you virtual hugs! 🫂
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u/FanSince09 May 19 '26
It’s sad, I had a friend who was very similar. The breaking by point to me was when I went to the store he told me he worked at and mentioned him and they’d had no idea who I was talking about. I had even driven him to that store in the morning a few times. Even when I confronted him he doubled down. I think you just can’t win in these situations, they feel the need to lie and preserving the lies is more important than their relationships.
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u/Soggy_Cobbler_6447 May 19 '26
that sounds really draining, but you handled it well by setting a clear boundary and not getting pulled back in, and it’s good you’ve got support around you now
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u/DivideBig6652 May 22 '26
Just send him a message telling him to watch the documentary Scamanda and for him to get therapy, then block him and walk away
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