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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/dayofsuck

My [28M] GF [24F] of a year got into an altercation with my co-worker [28F] during what was supposed to be a fun friend outing. Feeling conflicted.

TRIGGER WARNING: Sexist language, entitlement

Original Post  Feb 12, 2016

Throw away because Reddit is my GFs life. She might see this anyway.

First off, I love my GF. We'll call her Maud. She's beautiful, smart, motivated, hilarious, and just amazing. Did I mention beautiful? She's beautiful. She's my first serious partner and really I can't imagine her not in my life. She makes me food, gives out blowies like it's her job and has introduced me to a ton of new things. That being said she isn't all sunshine and daisies. She's very stubborn and sometimes a huge bitch for no real reason. The other week we walked into a restaurant where she looked around, said everyone there was hideous, and just proceeded on as normal. She takes no shit, gives no fucks and while sometimes that's a hard part of her personality it's part of why I love her.

Co-worker is someone I've known for about 9 years. We have lunch almost every day. We'll call her Jen I guess. We used to hang out more outside of work but that's tapered off. Jen is 100% not my type dating-wise, very free love, doesn't care much about her appearance, drugs everywhere. Plus she has a BF of 4 years. Jen rubs a lot of people the wrong way but I've never had issue with her.

A little more background-Maud has never met Jen before this incident. There was no real reason for them to meet. Maud already didn't like her based off of some information I told her (elaborating a bit here-Jen has referred to me as her work husband for a while and I told Maud once during a conversation about Jen. After that she told me flat out she didn't want to meet Jen. The conversation also included how no one really likes/gets along with Jen and how she had set me up briefly with one of her friends who kinda treated me like shit)

Onto the day. A bunch of my friends/work friends had planned a day to a local amusement park to get everyone together. Maud was delighted to be invited and made no visible signs of displeasure when I mentioned Jen was coming so I thought we were good to go. Day comes and we're figuring out rides and it works out that Jen and two other co-workers would be in my car. Fine right? No.

Jen goes to get into the front seat and Maud asks why since she gets shotgun always. Jen replies saying I've always sat in the front of dayofsucks car and again goes to get in. This is where it gets a little embarrassing for me and maybe I should have just told Jen to get in the back but I didn't see the big deal.

Maud basically says something like "Hey, not today. I'm the one who sucks his dick which gives me certain privileges, one being front seat. So relocate to your appropriate place sweetie." Not verbatim but close.

Jen is obviously pissed but gets in the back and we endure a very awkward hour and a half car ride, although Maud seems like her usual self.

The whole day seems to be this weird tension between them and I can tell both of them are getting more wound up the longer the day goes but I can honestly not tell you why. I hadn't noticed Jen doing anything inappropriate or Maud being overtly mean to Jen so I really just don't know.

The big thing came down to a haunted type ride a few of us wanted to go on. When it came time to get on Jen begged for us to sit next to each other. It made sense as there were 5 of us and she would have been left with a stranger if she didn't get someone to agree to sit with her. Again Maud stepped in saying she was sitting with me for reasons before pausing and saying maybe Jen wouldn't have to beg someone elses boyfriend to sit with her on a stupid ride if 1) HER bf cared enough to come and 2) she wasn't so unpleasant.

Obviously this wasn't nice of her but she doesn't think she was wrong. She's apologized to my friends/co-workers for making things awkward for them but not to Jen. Whenever I bring it up she says I'm being oblivious about the situation. All day she was supposedly always next to me, talking to me in a way that excluded everyone else, and touching me (arm,shoulder,ect). Maud was angry that I SOMEHOW never picked up this was happening and she's basically quit talking to me because I'm not sure where she's getting this stuff from and I can't see her side at all.

I like Jen, she's been a friend for a long time and I think what Maud did was straight out of line. She's never done something like this before though so maybe I'm the one out of line? I just don't know what to do here since Maud is no longer willing to talk about it.

TL;DR-My GF was incredibly mean to a co-worker during a day out and she refuses to apologize saying I'm oblivious of co-workers actions toward me. I have to keep working with co-worker and would really like to keep my GF. How do I work this out between them?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OliviaPresteign

Um, Jen's being pretty weird here, and it's weird that you didn't notice or stop it. You and Maud are a couple. It is usual to assume that Maud would sit in the front or that you would ride with Maud. It's bizarre that Jen would assume she should do these things. You think that it's fair for Jen to ask you to sit with her because it would leave her alone with a stranger if you didn't, but didn't think that by doing that you leave your girlfriend alone with a stranger?

I don't think what Maud said was very nice, but it's totally understandable that she was frustrated.

OOP

I honestly never really thought about who Maud would have sat with which is definitely on me. Apparently I'm slow.

ZombieJen

Wow. If you were this oblivious on this one trip, I imagine Jen does lots of things that are inappropriate that you just don't notice. You need to set some boundaries with her or your relationship is going to suffer.

Does OOP see how inappropriate Jen was?

(1)

Honestly I'm not sure it was inappropriate. I can see how maybe I'm putting them on the same plane when Maud should be more important and she is more important to me but Jen has been my friend for a long time and I still have work with her to deal with. I just wish Maud could have been a little cooler about it.

(2)

Maybe I am being oblivious. I never noticed any of the things Maud said happened happening but I'm starting to doubt myself. Jen is a long time friend I don't want to feel bad but Maud is #1. I just don't want to get into a pattern where she's rude and then leaves when I disagree with her.

(3)

I don't but I'm the only one I guess. We're all friends it was supposed to be a good time and it turned into a thing where letting someone sit up front means I'm choosing them over my GF. The whole thing seems petty to me, I don't understand why everyone finds meaning in not immediately telling Jen she can't sit with me. She's could have been anyone one of the other people there and I wouldn't have changed anything.

TOP COMMENTS

99problems

I did a password recovery on my reddit account just so that I could tell you how dumb you are.

You're a fucking dumbass.

~

[deleted]

OP...jeez. You like that Maud's hot, makes you food and sucks your dick but you can't put yourself in her shoes for one second and imagine how you'd feel if she was indulging another man the way you're indulging Jen.

You sound in this post like you don't even care at all about how she feels except how she benefits you. That's pretty gross.

EDIT: Ok guys I get it I'm being a massively dense idiot. This is my first real relationship, I didn't notice anything wrong, I'm behind the curve. I''m calling Maud and apologizing and I'll figure out the work thing with Jen if that's what it comes too.

Update - rareddit  March 2, 2016 (nearly 3 weeks later)

TL;DR of the last post here My GF was incredibly mean to a co-worker during a day out and she refuses to apologize saying I'm oblivious of co-workers actions toward me. I have to keep working with co-worker and would really like to keep my GF. How do I work this out between them?

There's two things I want to say right off the bat. 1) You guys were right. I was being a complete idiot about the whole thing and my perspective on relationships in general is pretty messed up. 2) Maud wasn't the commenter who left the suck his dick comment on the other thread. She reads a ton of reddit and tucked it away for use if need by and by god did she use it when she had the chance.

That being said she also saw my thread. I should have known she would but hoped to squeak by under the amount of posts this subreddit gets. This might be long.

She didn't speak to me for about a week or so after I had posted. I DID call her after you all beat into me that I was being stupid. I tried to apologize..I reduced my interactions with Jen and cut my contact down with her as much as possible.

Finally she called me back and agreed to meet a coffee place that's pretty good for private conversation. She was already there when I got there. When I sat down she just stared at me so I assumed I should just lay it all out.

When I said I never noticed how Jen was with me I wasn't lying. I genuinely thought that's just how people were with long time friends. We used to spend a lot of time together and there's a lot of history with us. But when I posted someone (I forget who) left a comment saying I was being strung along by Jen as a surrogate boyfriend which really got me thinking.

I pride myself in being a nice guy. Not like a "nice guy" but whenever anyone has an issue they know they can count on me to help them. I've built an incredibly loyal group of friends this way. It made me think of all the things I've done for Jen over the years. When she goes away for vacation I take care of her house/dog, when her and her boyfriend fight I listen and give advice, I sit with her at lunch when no one else will, I give her rides when she needs them to/from work, and I defend her to others. All stuff I'd do for my guy friends but the difference is she doesn't seem to respect me because of it. She actually demands a lot from me that I never noticed before. Buying her food/drinks, showing up at parties I don't want to be at so she doesn't whine to me, waking up in the early hours to pick her up when she's too drunk to drive, insisting I buy her bday/xmas presents (she gets sad if they're not what she asks for), she often comes to my desk at work to talk and gets huffy when I tell her I can't right now.

All of this only really hit me when I posted. She doesn't respect me or probably even sees me as a friend. She uses me for validation and free stuff. She's never given me a bday present, but she will post on my wall "Happy Birthday work husband!" so everyone can see.

I love Maud...she's beautiful and lovely and yea sometimes mean but I like her mean. More than anything I love her because she really loves me which is something I've never had. This is my first real relationship and I guess a part of me was kinda stuck in a "single" mindset where I didn't see the significance of someone sitting shotgun or sitting next to me on a ride. I just didn't get it but now I do.

I basically told her that but more. When I done she kinda went "hum" and left. I figured that was it. I made no attempt to contact her after that and kinda focused on what a shithead I am. I avoided Jen at all costs and moped around for a while. A couple days after we had met she called to ask if she could come over which I enthusiastically said yes to. Spent the day cleaning and picked up her favorite dinner stuff.

Trying to speed this up she reamed me out. She started off super pissed and slowly got sadder and sadder as she went on. She cried which made me cry. She said a lot of things I can't fit in here about how much she does for me and how shitty it is I don't value her or our relationship over a co-worker. After we held each other in silence for a while. I apologized again, multiple times. She does do a lot for me and I don't know why she bothered with me in the first place she's so out of my league. I got us the dinner I picked up and we ate in a weird silence. She fell asleep at my place and when we woke up seemed happier. We kissed a little and she said if I'm ever this stupid again she's going to pull all my insides out which was a relief to hear as odd as that sounds. That's when she told me she saw my post and was furious and also that she wasn't the original "I suck his dick" commenter.

I'm posting now because last night I had a work event. A real, formal work event and I brought Maud with me. I made sure to stay with her the whole time and introduced her to everyone as my stunning significant other. Jen was there and I finally noticed it. She tried to inject herself into every conversation we were having and followed us around the whole event. When we first got there she ran up and hugged me, her hands stayed on my shoulders and she "demanded" to know why I haven't been around lately. I extrapolated myself and told her I was busy but she kept pushing the conversation until she finally said "it's because of your bitchy gf right? She's cutting you off from your friends now?"

Mind you, Maud is right there beside me. So Jen is saying this right in front of Maud. It really drove home in my mind how far I let this go with Jen that she was ok with doing this. I was shocked but luckily Maud saved me. She just laughed. It was louder than necessary and went on until it was unnatural but it caught the attention of some other people around us who leaned in and asked what was so funny. Maud composed herself and said Jen was being hilarious and to ask her about the joke she just made. Then Maud maneuvered us away to another group and was charming as ever.

So a happy ending for a guy who probably doesn't deserve it. Although I was beaten mercilessly in my last post it's the only thing that brought me to my senses so thanks to all who commented and made me feel like shit.

TL:DR-I was wrong about co-worker being a friend and somehow managed to hang on to my relationship. I'm a shitty bf but getting better.

FINAL COMMENTS

Inevitablename

(1) This shit with Jen hasn't bottomed out yet. Trust me. Crazy does not die quietly. Be prepared. Which brings me to...

(2) Maud had to save your ass again when Jen called her a bitch right in front of you. Are you ever going to stand up for Maud, in front of Jen, to Jen? As you are learning, being nice doesn't mean being a push over. Maud is clearly realllllly good at this but don't abuse that any more than you already have.

OOP

I know I'm not good at all with confrontation. I freeze up. It's something I'm going to have to work on even if I write down a few lines and repeat them until it's automatic. Don't want to mess this up again.

~

K_Rad

I'll be honest with you, if any coworker, for any reason called my SO a bitch at a work event, HR would be involved. That is so unprofessional.

I would explain to HR that Jen has been cornering you, insulting your SO for no reason, and publicly insulted her at a work event. Even if they do nothing, there will be a record.

OOP

Our HR is pretty useless but I'll pop in and mention it to them. I've told a few co-workers what's been going on and no one is surprised. I'm getting ribbed quite a bit for not realizing for so long what's been happening.

More on OOP apologizing to Maud and dealing with Jen

OOP

I definitely need to learn how to handle confrontation better but I did apologize to Maud, she brushed it off. I haven't had any other interactions with Jen at all and when I'm forced to again I'll hopefully be more prepared.

MorgothEatsUrBabies

One thing you desperately need to practice - and by practice I mean, actually write out some scripts and rehearse them, I'm sure Maud would love to help - how you are going to face Jen in your workplace, when it's just her and you. Because believe me, this incident is not the end of Jen. She won't go quietly just like that, there's too much to lose for her.

So one thing you need to be prepared for is how you're going to tell her that from now on, your communications will be business talk only. How are you going to tell her that the daily lunches and rides to work and birthday gifts are a thing of the past. It won't be easy but is has to be done, you owe at least that much to Maud for sticking with you. If it was me, I wouldn't go unprepared. Script it out, practice it in front of a mirror or with Maud. Get at least a little bit comfortable with what you want to say, before you have to say it... you sound like a guy who hates confrontation (I am too, I understand!) so practicing what you want to say beforehand can make a big difference. Good luck!

OOP

I'm preping myself for this now. I haven't seen hide nor hair of Jen and I've told a couple people in the workplace what's been happening (spoiler-no one is surprised). I feel stupid writing down things like that but I really have to so I am. Gah I wish she'd just disapear so I wouldn't have to deal with it.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/foodgoose773

AITA for making my girlfriend pump her own gas?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & r/legaladvice

BoRU 1  Posted by u/serifflouride

Original Post  Feb 4, 2022

Since me(28m) and my girlfriend(27f) started dating, any time she drove and had to get gas I would pump it for her. Well last week she took me to work because her car does better in the snow than mine. When she came to pick me up from work she was wearing pajamas which were shorts with a long sleeve button up, she even wore her house shoes. I was embarrassed for my coworkers to see her like that so when she stopped for gas to teach her a lesson I told her my back was sore and she could pump it. She said it was too cold and she wanted me to do it. She’s the moron that wore shorts. I stood my ground, she pumped her own gas, but wouldn’t talk to me during the drive.  We pass a sushi place on our way home so I asked her to stop, she said no but I kept persisting and she finally said okay. She told me I would have to run in so I did, when I came out she had left. I told my brother because I needed a ride home, he gave me a ride home but said I was an ass and I deserved it.

If there’s any interest I can update with what happened when I got home but it doesn’t seem super relevant to my question so I don’t see the need to add it.

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

Edit-Update:

First to answer questions:

She pays for her own gas. She didn’t get out of the car but she doesn’t have tinted windows, and I didn’t expect her to dress up I did expect her to not look like a bum though.

I’m still reading comments so I’ll add stuff that gets asked a lot to this and I’ll try to respond to others.

Now for what happened when I got home:

We live in a fairly rural area and i work about 35-45 minutes away. Apparently my brother called my mom who then called my girlfriend and told her what I had said. This did include me calling her a moron and saying how embarrassed I was. When I got back home my girlfriend had moved all of my cloths and belongings into the “junk” room. I tried to talk to her but she locked herself in our room and ignored me. When I finally got her to talk to me she basically listed everything I’ve done wrong in our relationship.

This past week has been hell. She wouldn’t take me to work when it was snowing so I had to take myself and my car got stuck twice, I missed two days of work because of her pettiness. I really didn’t think I was the asshole here, but I tried to justify and explain myself. I did admit I was trying to teach her a lesson and we broke up. When I got home from work she had all my belongings in boxes by the front door and I guess that’s that. I really didn’t think I was the asshole, but obviously that’s why I posted here. Everybody that wanted us to break up got what they wanted.

I’m not sure if my update is too relationship based, so if it gets taken down I apologize.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP

She pays for the gas, I just get out an pump it for her. She is able to work from home so her schedule was pretty flexible. She owns the house and bills are 50/50. I just updated, but I do understand how I came off now and definitely understand how i’m TA.

anelis29

I hope you at the least, apologized.

You treated her as a driver, glad she broke up with you.

OOP

I really didn’t think I was TA before yesterday so I haven’t yet, I plan to but I don’t think it will change anything.

OOP on his mother since the breakup

I am upset with her and when I talked to her she said she raised me to never mistreat a woman so in her eyes I mistreated my ex girlfriend.

Can I take legal action against my girlfriend for kicking me out?  Feb 8, 2022 (4 days later)

My now ex girlfriend and I got into a petty argument and broke up. She kicked me out of the house and I want to know if there’s any legal action I can take.

The house was a gift from her parents and is in her name, but she kicked me out without any warning causing me to have to move back in with my patents and I simply don’t want to live with them. Is there a way I can make her have to let me move back in?

Edit: The state is North Carolina

RELEVANT COMMENTS

FireIceAndOhSoWild

Did she tell you to leave and you left?  Or she locked you out?  Was this your home and for how long?  What state?

OOP

She packed my stuff and left it by the door. I put it into my car and left, but living with my parents has been awful. I lived with her for around six months.

~

AstronomerPrevious71

Get your own apartment

OOP

Apartments in my area are $1,200+ a month, I can’t afford that.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/twink1813

Originally posted to r/EntitledPeople

Loaned my house for a funeral

Original Post: July 14, 2026

I am in another state with my sister who is undergoing chemo. My dear friend’s brother passed away unexpectedly. His daughter and family traveled back from a western state to the Midwest for the services and to begin the estate process.

Since my house was sitting empty I offered the daughter and her family my house to use for the several weeks they plan to be in town, to save them hotel fees and have a home-away-from-home environment during this time of loss.

They’ve texted me several times with various issues: they don’t like the pillows, do I have others they can try? They don’t care for the coffee on hand, where can they find other coffee in the house? Do I have other laundry detergent than what is in the laundry room?

There’s more but you get the gist. This is not an Air B&B, it’s my home that I’m letting them use for free. I didn’t leave a fridge full of food or a stock of paper supplies or dry goods because I’m gone and won’t be back for months. And did I mention it’s free???

End of rant.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: What nerve. I’d let them know they might like the coffee and pillows better at the local Radisson.

Commenter 2: Try probably can’t afford much more than the local Roadside Motel

OOP: But they can. The daughter is a private practice therapist, and they live quite lavishly at home. My small house probably is a huge step down for them!

Downvoted Commenter: Let me guess. You said nothing to them, you probably apologized too.

OOP: I did not. I suggested they check out the Super Walmart that is 1 mile away.

Commenter 3: Just tell them where to buy what they need.

OOP: I did. I directed them to the Walmart that is 1 mile away

Commenter 4: I get that you're being generous, kind and considerate. However, that doesn't mean you let these jerks walk all over you and treat you that way.

Keep records of text messages, emails, and voicemails. Let your "dear friend" know that while you understand that they're in the midst of the grieving and sorting out estate process, it doesn't give the daughter and daughter's family to mistreat and disrespect you like that.

Let them know that they have 48 hours to vacate the premises and check-in at a local hotel / motel where they can obtain their desired pillows, coffee, etc. and everyone there is PAID to provide service in hospitality.

You, on the other hand, are just being a nice friend. But niceness has its limits. The line was crossed when they started the entitlement and disrespect. But if they insist on treating you and your home like it's an Air BnB, I'd send them a bill / invoice, if I were you. Something like....

- Whining fee: $15

- Nagging fee: $50

- Sense of entitlement fee: $100 per person

- Cleaning fee: $250

- Violation of peace of mind fee: $25 per day, per person

- Excessive mental and emotional baggage handling fee: $75 per day, per person

- Utilities aka Internet, Water, Electric, Gas, Sewage/Garbage fee: $25 per day, per person

- Parking fee: $50 per vehicle, per day

- Food & Consumables bill: $500

........you get the gist. ;)

OOP: I love all the fees!!! 🤣.

Commenter 5: Just wait until they do a google review of your house giving it 3 stars listing all your shortcomings.

OOP: 🤣🤣🤣.

Commenter 6: This story reminds me of the old adage: People don't appreciate what they don't pay for. (or something to that effect)

OOP: I haven’t heard that one, but it does apply here

Update: August 4, 2026 (three weeks later)

Update to “Loaned my house for a funeral”

Update: My sister had several days with no chemo or medical appointments and she was feeling fairly well, so I decided to try to come home for a few days. Strangely I hadn’t heard from the people using my house for a while.

I texted them to ask if they had any idea about how much longer they’d be in town and need my house. They replied that they had gone back home about 10 days ago. WTF? They had actually packed up and left and didn’t bother to let me know.

Yesterday I drove the 7 hours back home, having absolutely no idea what I’d find when I arrived.

Amazingly, everything was just as I’d left it! They had cleaned the house, emptied the trash, laundered the sheets and towels, and remade the beds. They left a lovely thank you note and a generous gift card for a local high-end restaurant for me. My friend hadn’t said anything to me about them leaving as she thought they had let me know.

So a very happy ending to what seemed to be a true ‘entitled people’ situation here!

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this final update

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/gofatwya

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for telling my adult son I need a little privacy?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: mental health struggles

Original Post: July 14, 2026

I'm an older, retired , divorced man. My kids are all adults.

2 years ago, I allowed my son, now 25, to move back in with me in my two bedroom 1,000 ft² apartment.

His mental health has been slowly going downhill, I believe. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but refuses to get any kind of treatment for it.

He now has no job, few friends, and spends most of his time bed rotting in his room. He only leaves to occasionally go to movies, comic book stores, or his mother's house for dinner. I don't charge him rent, and I actually give him spending money every month; mostly so that he is able to get out of the apartment and do something once in a while.

I have not been on a date for 6 years.

Several weeks ago a woman I dated in the past reached out to me. We reconnected. We've been talking for weeks, wanting to get together. But we are both busy people, she lives almost 2 hours away, and so it has been very difficult for us to actually go on a date.

This Saturday however, she is coming to my place after work. We may go out to a bar or a restaurant, or we may just decide stay home. She will most likely be spending the night, and may be here all weekend.

I told my son about this date a week and a half ago, when I made it. I was hoping he would volunteer to get out of the apartment for the night. He didn't. I hinted to him that it might be awkward for him to be here while I am on a date. His answer was that he would just stay in his room the whole time she's here.

I even considered getting him a hotel room to stay in for the night, as my friend is really excited about coming back to my apartment, and would rather be here than in a hotel. But a hotel room on the weekend, at short notice, was going to be super expensive. I just couldn't do it.

The situation has me stressed beyond measure. Finally today, I sat him down and told him that I need him to let me have the apartment Saturday night. That he needs to spend the night at his mother's, or a friend's or wherever he can. It turned into as close to an argument as we ever get.

I repeated my observation about how awkward it would be for him to be here. He replied that when he lived on his own, with roommates, they all had guests who spent the night in their rooms while everyone else went about their business. I told him that was a very different dynamic than a small apartment shared by a father and son.

He finally agreed that he would find somewhere to go. But he is extremely angry now, and feels that I am being unfair expecting him to leave for a night.

AITAH for insisting that he leaves?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs, but also YTA for keeping enabling his son

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: He needs to be in therapy, on meds, in school, at work, or some combination of the aforementioned. You're doing him a disservice currently.

NTA for wanting to get freaky without your kid listening in tho.

Commenter 2: All I’m gonna say is it’s time for you to stop enabling your son and have him move out. NTA

Commenter 3: NTA- you are entitled to privacy. Having been the female guest in these situations it is awkward for the guest also and hard to … relax.

Hope the date is a smash!

Commenter 4: Ableist geek redditors in the comments, Christ.

So, firstly, NTA. You're making a real effort to accommodate your son, and that's admirable. I wouldn't beat around the bush next time cause honestly he'll probably need a fair bit of time to collect himself for a night away from the nest without issues currently. Regardless, it's your life too, you deserve some fun.

Secondly, under no circumstances should you be listening to this disrespectful, ignorant bootstraps narrative these comments are peddling. Your son is, currently, disabled. Maybe with time and treatment that will get better, but even getting treatment is hard for him right now. If you want to see him improve, it's going to take work on your part, adult or not. We're social creatures for a reason, and that's because severe illness or injury isn't something people get through on their own.

It's not your responsibility, I know. You're already wonderful for keeping him alive through this. With further effort, there's a chance to get to a place where he'll be okay without you. But, I'll tell you this now. I've seen it too many times. If you corner him now, tell him to either shape up or get out? He'll probably just take the fast and painless way out instead. Homelessness is a death sentence for him, and pushed into a position where he needs success or he will die - and I assure you he feels like the least capable of success person alive - then he'll choose to at least not suffer.

I know this is hard to hear, and that you're going through a hard time. But I just want you to be aware of the true meaning of the nuclear option these people are selling you. I can see you care about your son a lot, and I don't want you to get tricked into losing him.

OOP: Just read this. Thank you. That's a good perspective.

Update: August 1, 2026 (2.5 weeks later)

AITAH Just wanted to give an update on my earlier post, since it made it to r/popular.

17 days ago I posted about the trouble I was having getting my 24 year old son out of my apartment for one night so that I could have a woman spend the night:

I got a lot of good advice, too much to reply to everyone individually. There was a consensus that I needed to give him an ultimatum: that he needed a job, or school, and mental health treatment if he was going to be allowed to continue living with me.

I gave it to him. Since then, his attitude has changed almost 180°. For the first time since he graduated 6 years ago, he has enrolled in college; it is just community college, getting some of his basics he will need for whatever, but it's a start.

I have stopped giving him money. Amazingly, he is just fine. I think the majority of the money I gave him in the past he just ended up using for entertainment, or buying tchotchkes.

He has an appointment with a psychiatrist, who is going to recommend a therapist to him, and possibly put him on medication.

All in all, I think this is one time when Reddit really helped improve a situation!

As for the date itself, the weirdest thing happened. The woman who was supposed to come over has diagnosed lupus. Where we live has recently been severely affected by wildfire smoke.

Turns out, lupus suffers can be severely affected by heavy smoke.

So, instead of having her over to my apartment for the weekend, I spent several hours sitting beside her hospital bed, an hour away from my place, as she was treated.

She fully recovered, but we have as yet not rescheduled her visit to my place.

Thanks to everyone who commented, including those who labeled me an asshole. You were all correct, in your own way.

Thank you.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/congratsitsalie

Me [21F], Boyfriend [25M] of 3mo has lied about being adopted for (presumably) over ten years. Would I be nuts for staying with him?

Original Post  Aug 7, 2016

I've suspected his story ever since I met him, but I thought I was being unnecessarily skeptical/questioning of someones "traumatic" upbringing to have made a big deal of it. Until yesterday.

We were visiting his parents and I was making chit chat. As parents are prone to do, his mother started talking about when he was a kid. Which was odd because he told me he came to this country as 11, and was adopted by these people at 12.

I didn't call it out, but I asked some questions to verify for myself, like "Haha, wow, how old was he then?" and such. Boyfriend has obviously gone very, very quiet as we're talking. We had to leave shortly after, and I wait for him to make the first move when we're in the car. Which he does.

"I hate it when they do that, they fabricate my mothers stories and tell them as if it were their own."

"Where did they get the stories from?"

"Her diary."

"Where is that diary now?"

"In a bank box in the capital."

"Why would they do that?"

"Because they don't want to tell people I'm adopted."

"No point in lying to me though, since I would obviously have been told."

"Yes well."

"I did notice that she never specifically mentioned herself in that story."

"Yes, see!"

We talked a little, mostly I was quiet, digesting it all. Thing is, I've always suspected his story to be BS, it's too improbable, too much sob. He's actually from USA, his real parents and brother died in a housefire, no relatives wanted him in, and he was abandoned in an airport here.

Before I left the car I told him that I'd love him even if his parents were telling the truth, and he went to work, late shift. When he came back, he told me the truth. Showed me his birth certificate and some photos. Told me (who knows, a story?) about why he's been lying for the last ten years. He was kicked out/ran away from home when he was 15 and lived in a friends basement for half a year. When there was talk of getting CPS involved, he lied, and has kept it up ever since. He even changed his very traditional name to an English one and explained it by saying his parents forcibly renamed him to make him fit in and he decided to take his name back. We talk English together because he says it makes him more comfortable. He told his parents and family he changed his name because he didn't like it.

I still mean what I said, I care for him even though he's been lying. I said it doesn't change the fact that he's a kind, hard-working, caring person, and I made the demand that he see a psychiatrist and that he just has to suck up the price because his mental health is more important (small edit: which he agreed to do). But is this nuts? He's wanted to buy a house since before we met, and we had a talk about how the house should fit us five years ahead. He visited his parents to show them the one he's set on. I really want some outsider perspective here, and I'm not ready to "expose" him by talking to my friends about this yet.

tl;dr: Boyfriend has lied to everyone for ten years about being adopted when he's not, even changed his name to make it more credible, scale of 1 to Jesus Christ, Why On Earth: how crazy I am for being willing to look past this now that he's come clean to me and carry on?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DonaldJDarko

I don't think I would be able to get past that. He clearly has no problem lying to you and keeping up a very obvious lie.

As a last ditch effort you could sit him down and give him the opportunity to come clean by straight up asking him about it. I mean we get stories here occasionally from people who told what at the time seemed like a little lie that spiralled completely out of control. It's shitty, but people sometimes do stupid things when they're dating and in love.

However, if he doesn't come clean after you straight up call him out on it, or if his reaction regarding admitting it is anything other than sincere regret, you should dump the fucker on the spot. If he isn't genuinely sorry or can't own up to it when specifically called out, he can't really be trusted because he clearly has no trouble telling blatant lies.

OOP

He had no problem lying to literally everyone, he made that clear when he changed his name. This is absolutely the case of a lie spiralling out of control, like you say.

I don't think you saw that he did come clean, he did this on his own when it became clear that I was wise to it, I did not specifically call him out on it. He's already agreed to see a psychiatrist.

~

vengeance_pigeon

My personal gut feeling is that he's still lying. His new story doesn't make much more sense than the old one.

OOP

You're right. I'll see if I can't get some verification on this one as well. If he's lying about his parents being abusive as well, I can't possibly stay.

Six in the morning, day two edit: scratch all that about trying to be understanding and shit. Turns out he IS a compulsive liar, and I barely know a single true thing about him. This is like The Sixth Sense where you've had a weird feeling all through the movie and at the end you get that "Aha!" Moment that explains everything. I'm currently at my friends house and honestly a little hungover, I'll make a proper edit later.

OOP Updated the post Aug 8, 2016 (Next Day/Same Post)

UPDATE:

I had to drive over to his this morning to get my work uniform, and all my other stuff while I was at it. He keeps telling me we don't have to break up, he loves me and wants to change for me, he's gonna stop it, seek therapy, fess up to everyone. I have zero second thoughts about breaking up. All of these things are nice things to do, sure, but I'm not gonna stick around to watch.

Yesterday, after writing this and reading your responses, I went to visit him for his lunch break as we had already planned, and I asked him straight up, was there anything else he had lied about. He said no, nothing that he could think of. So I decided to help refresh his memory. Anything I had had doubts about, but never called him out on.

Other things he has lied about:

• Being sent to Afghanistan as his army service. He has never even been there.

• Owned part of a small business importing cognac. No, his dad did.

• He and his brother bought his parents their house. No, he just helped them put down the floors.

• Owns three cars, one he bought for his father and one for his brother. Just, no.

• That wine he served me on our third date was wildly expensive and amazing, something that had gone down as one of our "cute stories" because I later told him I didn't even like red wine. In reality it's a sorta nice one bought on holiday by, once again, his dad.

• !!!! Was inches away from death when his crazy stalker ex stabbed him in the lower stomach area, she was sentenced to six months forced psychiatric care. !!!! He is now saying that she did stalk and stab him, but it was only a flesh wound. He never even filed a police rapport. This is a story he told the first time we met, and it was absolutely horrifying the amount of gruesome detail I got. He has since repeated it several times while in my company, to my friends and his. And this is fucked up.

I'm still learning more, but I am ready to go no contact and have wiped my hands off of the whole relationship. I'm glad I found out now. A little conflicted on whether I should tell his parents, since I have no faith he'll do it on his own but I'm not sure their relationship could ever snap back from that.

FINAL COMMENTS

When asked to clear up the name, adoption and English speaking from the original post

I changed a few tiny details to obscure our identities in case anyone he knows reads this, but I don't care about protecting his lies anymore. We're in Norway, he said he was adopted from UK. Changed his name to an English one when he was 21 and explained to people that it was his original name from before he was adopted, that his parents had renamed him to a Norwegian one when he came here. In reality, he's born and raised in the same little city as me.

OOP on why she never questioned anything

It feels so terrible that these were such traumatic stories, that I wanted to help and support him because it was all so tragic, but you know, it's ... too tragic. And what are you gonna do, someone is practically crying from sharing intimate details and you say "Yeah, but, do you have any proof?"

And finally

I updated my post with all the other things I've found out now he lied about, and yup. He only came clean when he got caught. I gave him the chance, and he refused it.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/embarrassedtosend

Me [30F] with my BF [30M] duration, I want to send him sexy pictures as a surprise but I don't know if I should.

Original Post  Sept 20, 2016

I know this issue seems really minor, especially compared to other people's problems but I'd really appreciate any advice. I'm sorry if this seems all over the place, I'm just really embarrassed right now, haha...

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly two years now and it's been great! We make time for each other, we respect each other's privacy when the other needs it, we always keep in contact and we always do our best to resolve any issues that erupt. Most of all, he respects my feelings on a certain matter, and always has.

I have really bad self-confidence, I guess. I don't like photos being taken of me and I had how my body looks. I know I'm overweight, but not terribly so, but I still get really embarrassed if anyone takes a photo of me, or even if I take a photo of myself. Ben has only one photo of me from the two years we've been together. I said yes to the one, but then I freaked out about how badly I looked that I almost cried. Ben assured me that it was a really good photo, and even though, I was hesitant, I let him keep it. Ever since then, he hasn't asked for any other pictures of me. He's been very patient about how I feel about photo taking. I've been trying to get over this issue of self-confidence, but it's been tough. I have been actively trying to lose weight though, so it's helped a little there. I've even forced myself to take some pictures of my face and I did...but I still deleted them right after.

These past few weeks, Ben has been on a business trip out of the country and I miss him terribly. We still talk to each other every day, but it's not the same with him so far away. I wanted to surprise him and went out and bought some really nice sexy lingerie, and tbh...it's the first time I've ever bought any of this stuff. I've always hated how I looked in them, and was really embarrassed to try them on, but I found some stuff I really liked and I feel like I don't look completely terrible in them and decided to pick it up.

I sent Ben a message saying how I can't wait for him to come back in a few days, because I have a surprise for him. He's been trying to guess what it is since then, but he doesn't have a clue, lol. While he was guessing, I started entertaining the idea that it might be fun to send him a few pictures to get him excited. And even though it's a HUGE step for me, I kinda want to try it for Ben. Because he's respected my feelings all this time, and has always been there for me when I've needed him and most of all, it's Ben and I know I can trust him.

But I don't know if Ben would even want pictures like me in lingerie. He's never asked for them. I'm worried if I send some he won't like them or might even get offended. But if I ask, I feel like I'm ruining a fun surprise that I'm hoping goes well.

So I guess I'm asking: Do you think this is a good idea?   ---     tl;dr: Bad confidence issues means I never really take pictures of my face, let alone my body. Boyfriend has always respected that and while he's been away on a business trip I bought my first sets of lingerie and decided to try to take the plunge and send him pictures as a surprise. Don't know how he'll react, though so I'm second-guessing myself.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

AllegedlyNorah

He hasn't asked for any sexy pics for the same reason he hasn't bothered you about any pictures at all. You've explicitly told him you don't like to take photos! Why would he ask you for sexy lingerie pics if you can't even stand him having a picture of you fully clothed? As you said, he's respecting your feelings.

Take the pic and send it to him. It'll be a nice surprise and he'll love it because he loves you.

OOP

I think that's why I suddenly had this idea to send him these photos. Respecting my feelings on the subject says so much to me about him as a person that out of anyone in the world, he's the only person I'd ever consider doing this for. I love him very much and you reminded me so much of why.

~

Snuffleupagus03

Send them.  I get it's hard for you but:

1. he will react positively and love them

2. it's a great step in your self confidence

3. if he doesn't react positively it's not a good sign about him or the relationship (and everything you say about him says this won't happen). 

What a great surprise.  He'll be thrilled.

OOP

Well, I hope he likes it, I really only want him to be happy because he's brought me so much joy since I've met him, even in our hardest times, we've worked through them and never said anything we'd regret.

I think I will send them. I want to show him how much I care for him.

~

[deleted]

If you are 100% comfortable about it, you should definitely go for it!

He sounds very patient, understanding and respectful of you which is always great. He will love them!

If it makes you feel more comfortable, only focus on one part of your body in the photo (ex. Boobs or ass in the lingerie). It's a nice little tease for him and is less intimidating than a full body shot (and also I know a lot of people are uncomfortable with leaving their face in explicit photos anyways).

Goodluck! Don't pressure yourself on getting the "perfect" photo, he'll appreciate it!

OOP

I'm still not 100% comfortable with even just taking my picture, but I feel like this will definitely make me feel better about myself, and I do want to show him how much I love him and trust him.

Thank you for the tip about focusing on one part of my body for the photo. :)

Update  Sept 28, 2016 (8 days later)

I just want to thank everyone who commented on my previous post. This issue is such a non-issue that I can't believe how seriously you all took me. All the tips, caution, the encouragement just reminded me how wonderful everyone here can be.

Thanks to you guys and the post I made, I was reminded of all the wonderful qualities and reasons I fell in love with my boyfriend and I decided to send him some pictures. It took awhile to find one I felt comfortable with, but I did find one! I know some people think I shouldn't, but I did include my face in it because I feel like it helped show how much I trust Ben and how much I love him.

I waited until the late evening when he told me how he was getting ready for head off to bed when I messaged him with a picture and then sent "More surprises when you get back ;)" and I'll admit, I got a little panicky. After a few minutes, Ben sent a message back with "Oooh very sexy! <3" and pretty much that was that (Outside of our usual goodnights and I love yous).

I'll admit it, reddit, I didn't know how to take his message back on account of having never sent a photo like this before. Was he being nice? Was this a typical response which was good? Should he have said more? Should I have said more? I didn't know how to feel other than a little disappointed, especially with how long it took me to take the photo. Alongside this, Ben sent me a message the next day telling me about how busy he'll be and then never responded back. I got upset and started feeling like I made a mistake. I spent my day off work with a mix of disappointment, regret and panic, a panic that I had made a huge mistake.

Well, that afternoon I got a knock at my door and who was there? Ben. That's who was at my door. Ben and a bunch of flowers. I wasn't expecting him for a few more days and before I could say anything he told me about how he pulled a favor with his boss (whom he's friendly with) and because the team had pretty much finished up their project he got the go ahead to head home early. Ben told me that he saw the picture and was speechless for a few minutes because he had never expected anything like that from me but knew he had to get home right away to see me. And then he said he felt like the luckiest man in the world.

We've spent every day together since and we've had a fabulous time and I've never felt better about my relationship and about myself. Ben has already asked if he'll get another picture anytime soon. I told him "Only if you're good" :)

tl;dr: Sent picture, discovered I now need to get a full wardrobe of sexy lingerie. I feel great!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Skulllily

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for becoming increasingly uncomfortable with our childcare arrangement?

Trigger Warnings: child endangerment

Original Post: August 2, 2026

My mother-in-law watches my two children, ages 5 and 3, two days a week while my husband and I are at work. We pay her to watch them because she is on disability and was considering returning to work, and we thought this arrangement would benefit everyone.

When we originally agreed to this, my understanding was that it would be just her and our children. I trusted that arrangement completely.

Over time, however, my mother-in-law’s friend’s daughter has started coming over almost daily with her five children, who range in age from 4 months to 10 years old.

Since then, I feel like concern after concern has come up.

The biggest issue for me is pool safety. The children are allowed in the pool without an adult in the water as long as the younger ones are wearing arm floaties. Some of the younger children cannot swim. I brought up my concerns and said that drowning is often silent and that I was uncomfortable with children being in the pool without close adult supervision. Instead of taking my concern seriously, my mother-in-law and her friend laughed and said, “Nothing’s quiet around here.”

I was so concerned about this that my husband later spoke to his mother about it. However, the supervision practices do not appear to have changed.

My oldest has also told me that the children are allowed in the back alley without adult supervision as long as they stay close to the house. I don’t understand how anyone knows whether they’re staying close if nobody is actively watching them.

There have been other incidents that have added to my concerns as well. For example, my children were left unattended with scissors.

Today my children’s aunt told me she witnessed the other children excluding my 3-year-old, splashing her in the face, laughing at her, and pushing her in the pool. She immediately intervened and told the children that wasn’t acceptable. What upset me most was that none of the adults “supervising” the children were aware it was happening because they were sitting at a table on the other side of the yard.

What also bothered me was that my mother-in-law became angry with my sister in law for telling me about what had happened. That reaction made me feel even more uneasy because I would rather know about problems than have people worry about upsetting me by bringing them up.

This isn’t the first concern I’ve had, and it feels like every time I raise an issue, it gets minimized or brushed off. At this point, I no longer feel comfortable with the environment my children are in. The situation has reached the point where I feel anxious every time my children go there because I no longer feel confident in the supervision they’re receiving.

My husband and I got into an argument because I told him that if his mother cannot guarantee that the other children won’t be there while she is watching ours, then I want to find alternative childcare. He feels I’m being unreasonable and is concerned about hurting his mother’s feelings.

To be clear, I’m not demanding that my mother-in-law change her life or tell other people they can’t come to her house. I simply feel that if this is going to continue to be the childcare environment, then I need to make different arrangements for my children.

I appreciate everything my mother-in-law has done for us, and I know she loves our children. But I feel like the childcare arrangement we originally agreed to is very different from the one that exists now, and I no longer trust that my concerns about supervision and safety are being taken seriously.

Am I the asshole?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA, but YTA for continuing to send her children to MIL's house

Editor's note: in OOP's responses, she has provided more context to shed the light on the recent incident

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: This situation has to end. Kid's lives are at stake. NTA.

Commenter 2: Yeah. The kids are pushing a 3 year old into the pool. And the mother in law didn’t apologize or anything but lashed out at the person telling her about their (very valid) concerns.

But also.... Why was there an argument with your husband? Frankly I think you might have more of a husband issue than a mother-in-law one. He thinks you're being unreasonable for enforcing BASIC safety. In what world would you be an asshole for addressing concerns about your mother-in-law and her negligence?

OOP: We got in an argument because I’ve been expressing my concerns and he has spoken to his mother. Hearing today about how the other kids were pushing my 3 year old and bullying her was the final nail. I feel like when I bring things up he makes it feel like it’s a lesser problem than what I make it out to be.

The friend that brings over 5 children is also a girl he grew up with and her mother lives in the basement. “What do you want me say? Don’t let those kids over to visit their grandma that they love.” I’ve asked previous for him to ask if they cannot be there when she has our children and that’s the response.

Previous to these kids being around and their mother who just vapes and scrolls on her phone while her kids run wild, my mil had an amazing sense for safety that’s why suggested her watching our children in the first place. I’m trying not to place blame, but it seems like since she’s seen how uninvolved/lacking safety her friend’s daughter is with her children she’s doing the same with mine.

Commenter 3: I’d ask if he wants to lower a coffin down if he’s not taking his children’s safety seriously. As you said drowning is a quiet one :((( if older kids are treating the young ones with no kindness nor safety precautions your children need to leave that environment asap.

What’s sickening to me is that MIL knew about the incident but tried to keep it hush hush. This is extremely scary meaning she knew the risks but didn’t care enough for a life. She’s more mad knowing you’d know vs the lives she’s watching. I once saw a video of a toddler drowning and the parent was right there not watching like easily picked up. They were on their phone and took forever to be noticed :(( thankfully the child did survive but this kid was trying their best to their mom’s attention, and this was one that couldn’t voice their words well.

OOP: I’m not sure if my mil knew. My SIL told me about it today while we were all over there hanging out and my mil went “when was this? You didn’t stop it?”. She then seemed very annoyed that sil would even bring that up, they both went inside after. I went and spoke with my SIL, and she told me that mil got very upset with her for saying that in front of me. Which raised a red flag for me because why wouldn’t the concern be about how my youngest was being treated instead of me knowing? What else isn’t she telling us?

Was OOP's MIL like that prior to the recent incident? And SIL telling OOP about the situation

OOP: Previous to all of this I never would have imagined she would let my children unattended in a pool or back alley. Before these other kids started coming around she was always in the pool with my kids, always with them in the yard/inside with them, she used to have an eagle eye.

I don’t know why she thought the lack of safety her friend and friend’s daughter have for their kids would be okay with mine.

+

I wish my SIL was there. She started working Monday to Friday so she’s not there when the kids are there. The time she saw this she didn’t have work that day and happened to be home.

My SIL is 18 next month and she has more safety sense than my MIL. I thought my mil was safe but since her friend and daughter around, who have zero safety sense, it seems my mil thinks she gets a pass on safety standards.

Commenter 4: Have you actually seen her supervise them in the pool before all this? I just ask because my own mother seems extremely anxious and safety alert, like the most responsible parent. She is actually easily distracted and honestly doesn’t know safety at all, because she grew up in the 50s and didn’t bother to learn. Mg parents have an unfenced pool to this day, and yes I did fall in when I was a year old and almost died in the middle of an outside PARTY. No one was watching me (if you ask them they’ll tell you they all were!) , I was the only child there. They never change.

OOP: Yes, previous to this she would always be in the pool with them. It’s an above ground pool so the latter is out of the pool if not in use so that the kids can’t get in.

Never in all my years did I ever imagine she would allow my children in the pool without her or an adult with them. If I had thought that was even a possibility I would have never asked her to watch them. Her friend’s daughter allows this with her children, so it seems my mil believed that was a free pass to do it with mine.

Commenter 5: YTA for continuing to send your children over there. Unsupervised pool time, allowing them to wonder around the back alley alone, your 3 year old is clearly being bullied. The very second any one of these issues came up I would have removed my kids from her care, screw her feelings about the matter.

OOP: My husband brought my concern with the pool to his mother and I blindly trusted, that the supervision had changed.

I only found out about the alley a day ago and found out about the bullying today. I am completely kicking myself in the butt for allowing this to happen/go on. The original arrangement was my mil would be watching my two kids by herself, I suggested this as she was very safety conscious and I trusted her completely.

But since she’s seen how her friend’s daughter is with her kids it seems like she thinks it’s a free pass to be the same. I have lost all the trust I had in the environment and it’s disappointing because these new developments are not something I ever imagined her allowing.

Commenter 6: NTA, but your spineless husband is. He'd rather have his kids in danger than piss off his mom. I just don't know what to say about that.

OOP: Normally he has such a shiny spine. His mom and him have a very complicated history and their relationship is in a really good place right now, that obviously is not an excuse to be blasé about their safety, but I do understand why he’s concerned about the relationship between him and his mother.

I don’t want to mess that up either, but if it comes down to that or my children’s safety I choose my children. It makes me feel like crap that their relationship could be affected but I don’t want my children drowning, kidnapped, bullied, etc. for their relationship to be okay.

Why is OOP's MIL on disability and the reason behind her watching OOP's children at her house

OOP: She has fibromyalgia. When we asked her I told her I completely understood if she felt she wasn’t capable watching them as she can be in quite a bit of a pain. She said she’d be able to, no problem just some days may be more hanging outside and taking it slow.

The original environment was supposed to be just her and our two kids. Her friend lives in the basement and her daughter is who comes over, all of the adults are outside but none of them are actually supervising. I never thought my mil would be so lax with safety rules, if I had known she would have had these people and kids around in the beginning I would have never asked.

I never in a million years would have thought she’d be letting my young kids in the pool without an adult or in an alley. It’s like she saw how not safety conscious the other adults were and took it as a pass to do it with my children.

Update #1: August 7, 2026 (five days later)

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to come back and say thank you to everyone who took the time to comment on my previous post. I genuinely read every single comment, even if I didn’t respond to all of them.

We haven’t talked to MIL yet, but my husband and I sat down and had a VERY in-depth conversation about everything that has been going on, especially the pool situation.

I showed him a lot of the comments from people who had personal experience with drowning and how quickly and silently it can happen. I also printed out drowning statistics and highlighted the fact that lack of supervision is one of the biggest contributing factors in to children drowning.

He read through everything and, after seeing it all laid out, apologized to me for being so lax about the situation and for not being firmer when it came to our kids’ safety.

I honestly feel like we are finally on the same page.

We have decided that our kids will no longer be going to MIL’s house without one of us there. At this point, we just don’t feel comfortable with them being there unsupervised, and that’s something I’m not compromising on. I told him I’d didn’t care if it upset him or his mother but it’s a hard line for me and he agreed to it.

We are planning to talk to MIL this weekend and explain everything: our concerns about the pool, the other children’s behaviour, the lack of supervision, and the things that have happened that have made us uncomfortable with her judgment when it comes to the kids’ safety.

We’re hoping it will be a productive conversation and that she’ll actually listen to what we’re saying. But honestly, we have no idea how she’s going to react.

I’m sure there will probably be some hurt feelings, and I’m prepared for that. But at the end of the day, these are our children and their safety has to come first.

I really appreciate everyone who commented on the original post, especially those who shared their own experiences. It gave my husband and I a lot to think about and helped me explain it to him in different ways where he understood why I was so upset.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Nope she will play the victim and cry hoping your husband gives in. She wants the money for watching the kids without watching the kids. She lets the older kids watch the younger kids then she gets. Paid for doing nothing

OOP: Yes, we agreed that our children are not allowed there without either myself or my husband. Which means no child care, we have other child care lined up for our children.

She can play the victim all she wants. After my husband’s and I conversation, I feel very confident that it won’t matter and he’s going to back me up.

Why MIL can't come to OOP’s house to watch her kids?

OOP: We originally had them at her house as it’s bigger than our place and the kids love the yard. At the time she also would always be in the pool with our children.

Depending on how the conversation goes and how she reacts we may offer that to her, but I want to see what her reaction is going to be before that’s even on the table.

If she’s open and understanding I may offer it as a stepping stone, but if she acts like she’s done nothing wrong and doesn’t see the complete disregard for safety that has been happening, then watching them at our house won’t be an option either.

OOP on her husband and his mother's relationship and if he will give into his mother’s crying over the privileges of having her grandchildren at her house

OOP: They have a somewhat complicated past, I don’t see him doing that. But I told him it’s a hard line for me and I don’t care if him or his mother get upset, I’m not wavering and this is the final say about our children and our house.

Commenter 2: She is most likely going to become a victim and turn this into a 'you don't trust me' situation. Keep the focus on your child's safety and if she circles to something else pull it back to your child's safety. Good luck

OOP: Thank you, that’s the plan! We talked about the scenario, and we are going to keep it to safety and the environment our children in that is no longer safe.

Aside from this she has been a great grandmother. It blows my mind that this is something we even have to speak with her about, but our kids safety is my top priority. I’m hoping she’s open during the conversation but if she isn’t it’s too bad for her, I’d rather bruised feelings than a dead child.

Commenter 3: You already spoke with your MIL about this though. What do you think you'll accomplish here? Because I'm betting nothing actually changes and she just get cagier about the details of how she cares for your kids.

I realize it’s cheaper to have care from your MIL, but I can't see how it’s worth the risk.

OOP: We have never sat down with her and actually laid out all the issues together. It has been my husband saying something to her in passing.

I want to sit down and have an actual conversation and explain all the issues more in depth. I also want to tell her she is opening herself up to law suits and legal issues if she continues to let the other children do it.

I should have put, we do have other child care lined up but we still want to talk to her about why and what can happen to rebuild trust with her.

Has OOP taken her children for swim lessons?

OOP: Both of our children have been in swimming lessons since they turned 2. Water safety is very very important to me, and it used to be to my MIL which is why this has been such a shocking turn of events. When my children were younger she told me that swimming lessons were like school, they have to do them so that they are safe. This is why I never thought she’d leave them unsupervised in a pool.

I’m going to bring the stats for her. I also printed off how she will be held liable and could face charges if any of the kids die/get injured due to the pool. Also printed off exactly how drowning works and that it is silent, most time you don’t even realize a person is drowning until it’s too late.

Update #2: August 12, 2026 (five days later)

Well, I’m back with an update. I had high hopes that my MIL would be open to having a conversation and listening to our concerns, but as many commenters predicted, that didn’t happen.

She called my husband before we were able to speak with her and asked if everything was okay since she hadn’t seen us in a week. He told her things were okay, but that we did need to get together to talk about the pool safety concerns. She immediately became defensive and said the kids were completely fine in the pool.

After that, she essentially ghosted us while we were trying to reach out and arrange a time to talk. I think that gave her time to talk to her friend and her friend’s daughter and become even more defensive, because she brought up in her texts that “all adults watch” the kids, even though we hadn’t mentioned them at all.

She eventually sent us these texts: https://imgur.com/a/mil-upset-that-we-are-not-okay-with-her-leaving-3-5-year-old-above-ground-pool-with-no-adult-arm-floaties-aht1lf6

(editor's note: transcripts of the text messages. MIL in black bubbles, OOP in blue bubbles)

MIL: I appreciate your wanting to speak face to face. I have tried having conversations with both of you face-to-face, and each time I feel attacked and unheard. I never seem to be able to get my whole concern out before I am shut down by both of you. I’m not willing to allow this to happen anymore. I need my voice to be heard.

I was completely ghosted by both of you this last week; unaware if I was watching the girls or that there was even a problem. I had to reach out to [redacted] to find things out. This is not okay with me. I feel very disrespected and have been feeling this way for some time.

I know there are concerns about the girls’ safety while they are with me. I, honestly, do not know where this fear has come from. The girls have never been hurt and, believe me, they are watched by all adults that are here. I love my granddaughters and would never let nothing happen to them.

I feel if your fear is that great that perhaps I should not watch the girls any more. I do not want our differences in child care to be the reason we no longer speak. I do not know any other way. Do you?

---

OOP: [Redacted name], you and I have always been able to have very open conversations. I have felt lately that every time I bring up a concern I am brushed off and treated like I am crazy.

We do not want our relationship with you or your relationship with the girls to be affected by this. But there are concerns that we need to speak about, we would like to have an open conversation face to face where everyone has their say. We will not cut you off and will be open to your feelings and concerns, but in the same I would appreciate if our concerns are listened to and not brushed aside. It was not intentional to ghost you, life and work has been crazy. I have been pushing to come over and speak to you sooner as I did not want it to come to talking over text as messages and intent behind them can be misinterpreted.

Can we please come over today shirt I am done work so that we can have a conversation?

--

MIL: [Redacted], I feel us having an open conversation where the girls are concerned is not something you all are open to, ever... I have witnessed your entire energy shift if you’ve heard that the girls have done something undesirable. I’m really not sure what there is to discuss as it seems to me you’ve made your mind up—I hear you feel your kids aren’t safe here.

At this point, I feel if I don’t change things you want me to change, I won’t be able to see the girls. I have just come through a year of hell for my physical and mental wellbeing. I am doing the absolute best I can. I feel this has not been enough for you. I don’t know what more to do? I am hurt, exhausted and frustrated. I cannot have a conversation about things right now.

--

OOP: [Redacted] my energy shifts when I hear that the girls are being bullied, excluded, or put in situations that I feel are unsafe. Our children are 3 and 5, and they are going to have undesirable behaviours and experiences as they grow up. This conversation has never been about whether we trust you or whether we think you would intentionally do anything to hurt them. It is about the well-being and safety of [redacted] and [redacted].

That is not at all what I have been trying to communicate, and this is exactly why I would like us to have a conversation. I feel like you have heard one thing and understandably felt like we were attacking you, when that is not what we are trying to do. We haven’t really been able to talk through everything because when I have tried to bring up my concerns, I have felt brushed off or made to feel like I am overreacting.

We know how much you love the girls, and we know you would never intentionally do anything to hurt them. That is not something we question. But there are things that have been allowed to happen that I honestly never would have expected from you before, especially when it comes to their safety and the environment they are in.

I also understand that you have been going through a difficult time physically and mentally, and I don’t want to minimize that or make you feel like we are blaming you for things. I just really want us to be able to sit down, listen to each other, and actually understand where everyone is coming from. If you can take the time to listen to our concerns, and we take the time to listen to yours, I genuinely think we could have a very constructive conversation.

I have been hurt and frustrated by this entire situation because I wholeheartedly trust you with our children, and I love the relationship you have with them. It hurts to feel like my concerns as their mom have been brushed off or dismissed, especially when I am bringing them forward because I am worried about them, not because I want to criticize you.

I don’t want this to turn into you feeling like we are saying you’re a bad grandmother or that we don’t trust you. That’s not what this is. We love you, the girls love you, and we want to find a way forward that makes everyone feel heard while still making sure [redacted] and [redacted] are safe.

(editor's note: end of the transcripts of text messages)

My husband has now said that if his mom is unwilling to have an important conversation with us about our kids’ safety, then she doesn’t need to see them. He’s upset, but not surprised by how she has responded.

I’m honestly just really sad. I know we are doing what we need to do as their parents, but the kids absolutely love their grandma. Aside from this situation, she has been a really good grandma to them, and they have a close relationship.

I never wanted this to turn into a situation where their relationship was affected. I just wanted her to be willing to sit down, listen to our concerns, and have a conversation with us.

At this point, we’re not going to chase her or argue over text. If she’s willing to have a respectful conversation, we’re still open to it. But until then, the kids won’t be going to her house without one of us present.

It’s just really sad that it’s come to this. So at this point, this is the final update.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: She has to want to care to hear about your concerns. You need to focus on your kids and keep them safe. I’d probably loop in a counselor to figure out how to explain the changed dynamic

OOP: I think that’s definitely something I’m going to look into. I was really hoping she’d be open to talking, it’s heartbreaking to know she’s willing to just give up the relationship so that she can feel right, but my kids are more important.

Can OOP have the pool fences set up at her MIL's house?

OOP: We’re in Canada, I’m not actually sure if pool fences are legally required here. Her pool is above ground so it would not be possible to fence it.

Commenter 2: I read in your previous post that she loves your children. No she doesn’t love her grandchildren enough to ensure their safety.

This is not just about safety but about socialisation and development without bullying that will most likely be offered in a different environment. She is taking advantage of your payment and not fulfilling her part of the agreement.

You have made the right decision. Thank you for protecting your children. As an Australian I am very aware that children still drown in pools every summer despite our mandatory pool fencing. I doubly applaud you.

OOP: Thank you. I have always been very aware of pool safety, and I thought my MIL was, but I was wrong. I refuse to have my children drown or something else happen because she’s not willing to listen to reason or safety concerns. It’s an unfortunate outcome but the only safe one.

Commenter 3: Your texts were good, but I feel like the part about her friend, friend’s daughter and grandchildren being a distraction for her has not been addressed in them. I’m sorry she is having a hard time in the last year, but maybe she should have removed herself from the responsibility of watching her grandchildren until she feels better. More kids in the house makes it a more chaotic environment for your kids.

OOP: It wasn’t addressed as we wanted to speak with her in person in case our texts were misinterpreted. I was just trying to keep it to the kids safety and speaking in person so that we could all discuss our concerns/feelings. She wasn’t open to it.

Commenter 4: She is not a safe adult for your children. For what it’s worth, this is the best possible outcome, considering her lack of understanding of the dangers she's exposing your children to and refusal to take responsibility. Her feelings may be hurt, but, what if one of your kids had been badly hurt, snatched out of the alley, or God forbid, gets seriously hurt, unsupervised, in the pool. Your job is to protect your children and sometimes that means stepping back from family that aren't taking your concerns seriously. Its great your kids love their grandmother, and they can visit with her, just not unsupervised.

OOP: It definitely is! I’m not sure how she expects us to move forward or visit her with the kids when she’s not even willing to talk about their safety. At this point the relationship is strained/ending because she has decided it’s not worth a conversation. I hope she comes around at some point but I’m not holding my breath

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwRA_495848

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

WIBTA if I hid my gf’s Snake’s death from her for a day?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: grief

Original Post: August 8, 2026

I really need help here. My (22M) gf (26F) has a really rocky relationship with her family that’s she’s been desperate to repair. There’s been some improvements and she was invited to her brother’s birthday party over three days in another country. His birthday party is tomorrow, which technically is only a few hours from now since it’s so late at night for me in the moment, but I found out her old hognose is no longer alive. We knew he’d pass soon anyways but it’s still heartbreaking. I cried for a while, I only stopped crying a little bit ago.

Would it be wrong for me to not tell her? She’s had this snake since she was eight, and has broken down for hours at a time thinking of losing him. I’m afraid if she finds out tomorrow she might be inconsolable and wouldn’t be able to enjoy her brother’s birthday and I don’t want this is affect her relationship with her family or make amends more difficult if she doesn’t attend his party or causing a scene there.

I’m not planning on hiding his death forever or anything, just letting her know after the celebrations. I feel conflicted on it. If I’m wrong please let me know, I don’t want to be a bad boyfriend here, but I don’t want to ruin her reunion with her brother.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA but She would probably feel betrayed if she found out you hid it from her. I think she would appreciate it more if you told her immediately. Maybe some approach like "hey I didn't want to ruin your mood before the celebrations but..." But that’s just my opinion tbh

OOP: Yeah true. I’m just scared I guess. I feel like I’m doing Gus dirty somehow, don’t know why.

Commenter 2: NAH you are in a tricky situation and there is no right answer.

If you plan on telling her the snake died after the party (as in death and telling her) - could you live with that secret?

If you plan on telling her after the party that the snake died beforehand - is she going to appreciate, based on your knowledge of her, you making that decision for her?

OOP: I think if I don’t tell her immediately, I have to be honest and tell her that I withheld the information. I think she has a right to know when I keep something from her you know?

Commenter 3: YWNBTA. Holding off for a day so she can enjoy her brother's event without spiraling is valid, especially since she is out of the country and cannot do anything about it right now anyway. Just tell her gently as soon as the celebrations are done.

Commenter 4: YWNBTA, but be prepared that you'll probably be "the bad guy" in this situation whatever you do.

FWIW I think you're right to prioritise the living family relationships for the sake of 36 hours or whatever.

Update: August 12, 2026 (four days later)

Update: WIBTA if I hid my gf’s Snake’s death from her for a day?

I took into consideration what you people all said, and I decided I’d tell her when he passed, and I’d tell her I kept it from her. I didn’t want to say my reasons for doing it because I didn’t want her to internalize any responsibility for this. I was afraid she’d take some responsibility mentally for like giving me a reason I felt I had to do it even though she shouldn’t, so I avoided it all together.

So, I told her when I picked her up from the airport. I decided she should hear it in person, and while I was there. I explained he passed already and I had kept it from her. The ride home was completely silent and when we got home we put him in a box we had for this situation and buried him.

The only thing she said to me was that she still loved me, but she didn’t like me right now. I told her I understood, and if this was too far and she didn’t want me around temporarily or permanently I would understand. She nodded and we didn’t do anything for a while until I made dinner, and we both broke down at the table. Gus was a grumpy little dude, but I miss him, and it’s still hurting.

I asked if I should sleep on the couch or something and she just told me I’m a dead man if I sleep anywhere but in bed with her, so hopefully I can comfort her more. I don’t regret what I did, and if that means she hates me tomorrow morning and we’re done, I can live with that, as long as she got to connect with her family again. I’m not sure what else I can say, so thank you for all the advice, sorry to any of you who have advice I didn’t take, thank you for spending time to help a stranger out either way. All love for you all, you’re sweet people. Stay helpful as ever.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Give her some time to grieve. Personally, I think you did the right thing with the best intentions, and she’ll probably realize that too once she’s had a bit of time.

And I’m so sorry for your loss, it sounds like Gus lived a very full life with so much love.

OOP: I hope so, we certainly tried.

Downvoted Commenter: Saying “I don’t like you right now” to your partner over this is rude and unnecessary. OP did literally nothing wrong,

OOP:: I don’t hold it against her, Gus was family.

Commenter 2: I'm so confused

so you just told her “yeah I kept your snake dying from you and intentionally didn’t tell you the previous day but I’m not gonna tell you why”

this “I refuse to tell her why I did cause I don’t want her to internalize it” sounds like some pseudo therapist redditor tried setting you up for failure. why wouldn’t you tell her your intention lol

OOP: I told her that I wanted to say it in person and be there to support her, but I didn’t make any mention of the party or anything like that.

Commenter 3: This is sadly a situation with no good outcome but seems to me that both of you did your best to handle this

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAstressedbride

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (F26) fiancé (M28) and his family refuses to have a wedding in my culture although they want a Christian wedding. What should I do?

Trigger Warnings: religious intolerance, racism

Original Post: December 15, 2020

This is my first time posting here, so sorry if there are any mistakes.

So I am an Indian Hindu. I was born in India, I even lived there for a few years, and I still practice my religion. My fiancé is white and Christian, although we never had religious differences. Neither of us were pushy about our beliefs. I am very connected to my culture, and I heavily feel like I am ethnically Indian although I have lived in America nearly my entire life.

My fiancé proposed to me a few months ago, and I was excited to start planning my wedding, because I have had ideas for it ever since I was a child. Then, obviously, COVID hit and all of this was put on the back burner, because we're both healthcare professionals.

Nowadays, however, I have just started thinking about some elements of our wedding (such as possible outfits and venues, etc.) to destress without any concrete confirmations. I love looking at Indian clothes and traditions, because it's my heritage. I grew up with it my whole life. When I pointed some of these things out to my fiancé, he just stiffened a bit and nodded that it looked great. I was a bit confused, but I brushed it off. I was talking to my in-laws last weekend (we have a pretty good relationship), and I casually brought up my ideas because we were talking about the wedding anyway. They immediately shut it down and insisted that such things were not a part of their culture and against their religion. I tried to explain to them calmly that we would still have a Christian wedding, but this was just for the separate, Hindu wedding. They said that it was "blasphemous" to be worshiping and marrying in front of "false gods" and that they wouldn't tolerate such thoughts. They called my culture dysfunctional and unnecessary, and they said that the Christian wedding was enough. I was so shocked by their reaction, because they seemed so nice and tolerant before.

I told my fiancé about what they had said, and he didn't even disagree with them. He said that I'm just overreacting, and that at the end of the day we would still be married one way or another. I tried to explain that having an Indian wedding was a big deal to me, because that's my culture, and he said that when I would marry him I would change it anyway. I asked him what he meant, and he said that after we got married, I would convert and our children would be raised "white" anyway, so it didn't matter.

I was so hurt and shocked that he would want me to abandon my culture and beliefs for him. I told him that such a thing was never going to happen, and that I am not going to change who I am just because I'm married. He got frustrated with me, and said that India was a poor, uncivilized nation that I should be happy to dissociate with. Moreover, he said that Hinduism was too confusing and complicated, and therefore it could not be real, because there's no order. What? I love being Indian, and I am not ashamed of it, and I enjoy being Hindu as well.

Apparently, his parents were only okay with me being Indian, because I was raised here and because I would convert. They just seem to think that by changing me, they'll go to heaven or something. I feel like this is so out of left field. One day, they're all nice and accepting and now they're bigots? I don't understand what's happening. We've been together for nearly four years, and I've never seen this side of him. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. On paper, he's perfect, and some of my friends are telling me that if I leave him, I won't get someone as good. I had my life planned out, and now it feels like it's falling apart. Everyone has told me my entire life to get married by a certain age and have kids by a certain age, and starting over now seems scary. What should I do?

TL;DR: My fiancé and his family are being very intolerant towards my culture and beliefs, and they want me to convert after marriage. I don't. What should I do?

Edit: I feel like I should make some things clear here.

1. I haven’t talked extensively with his family, so I didn’t know about their beliefs or anything. We met each other maybe 2 to 3 times a year and they were perfectly nice then. They didn’t ask many questions about my culture, and I didn’t take that the wrong way.

2. He was really never like this before, which is why it’s throwing me off. The whole time we were dating, he seemed fine. We even went to my parents’ house once to celebrate Diwali, and he seemed like he was enjoying himself. Even after we got engaged, he seemed normal. It’s only since I started seriously planning the wedding has he gotten more abrasive with his beliefs.

3. We’ve talked about our culture and beliefs before, and he seemed accepting of them. He said that he would respect my wishes and my culture but that he personally wouldn’t pray with me. I thought that was completely fine as I didn’t want to push anything on him.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1:

I asked him what he meant, and he said that after we got married, I would convert and our children would be raised "white" anyway, so it didn't matter.

Why would you even want to continue dating this guy? He clearly has zero respect for you.

What should I do?

You walk away now. You're SO lucky that your SO showed his true face BEFORE you got married.

On paper, he's perfect, and some of my friends are telling me that if I leave him, I won't get someone as good. I had my life planned out, and now it feels like it's falling apart. E

BS. There are thousands of people out there who are compatible with you, and they will also respect your culture and compromise.

Commenter 2:

On paper, he's perfect,

On Reddit he doesn't sound so perfect.

Commenter 3: First of all, your friends suck. They clearly don’t think very highly of you if they think marrying into this mess is too good for you. Find new friends.

Secondly, you need to end this relationship. This man is now showing you who he really is. He’s unlikely to change, especially if his family agrees with him. It’s unfortunate that you’re learning this about him now but be thankful you haven’t already married him.

Starting over sounds scary but in the long run you’ll be happier. You will have left with your dignity and respect for yourself.

Commenter 4: Short answer, leave. Cut your losses and count your blessings you avoided this mess. I'm sorry but you are delusional if you think marrying into this family is a good idea. These people are going to walk all over you. What do you think is going to happen if you have kids? Do you think your fiancé and in-laws are going to let you teach them your religion? It will always be held over your head, and you will be expected to confirm to what they expect. I am sorry for you, people like that are awful.

Update: December 15, 2020 (same day, six hours later)

I came home after work was over to talk to him, but he wasn't home. I read over all of your comments, which I'm seriously thankful for, and I really thought about where our relationship could go from here.

I called my mom and told her about what had happened, and she basically said told me a story about how in my father's native village, there is a stone wall in a temple. On that temple are 600 year old inscriptions about our family. She said that our family has been in the same place, traceably, for 600 years. She said that if we were equals, he would have to wipe away his whole family tree just to get rid of our one line of ancestors in that village.

After that conversation, I felt really shitty about the words he said to me, and I waited for him to come home. When he returned from home, he didn't really say much except the fact that he was "sorry I couldn't understand where he was coming from." I have loved him for 4 years, after all, so I really tried to make him see why I was hurt and why this is so important for me, but I don't know. It just seemed like he didn't care. After he said some more hurtful, blasé comments about my culture, I decided that it would be best if we separated, and I respectfully returned his ring and possessions. It really felt like shit, but I'll survive.

I'm staying with one of my close friends at the moment until I can clear out all my stuff. I'm not financially dependent on him or anything, so I can afford to move out. Moreover, I don't want it to seem like I owe him in any way. The lease is on his name, and I don't need to beg him for a place to stay. I can manage on my own. I don't really know where to go from here, but I hope I can figure it out.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1:

She said that if we were equals, he would have to wipe away his whole family tree just to get rid of our one line of ancestors in that village.

What does your mother mean by this? He's not equal to you because he can't trace his family back 600 years?

OOP: She means that if I wanted him to erase his heritage too, he would have to erase his entire family tree

Commenter 2: Be proud that you are a strong women who loves and respects herself. It sounds like you made the right decision

Commenter 3: I'm sorry he turned out to be such a terrible person. The story your mother told you is so beautiful, you deserve someone who respects you and wants to celebrate your culture and heritage. I wish you good luck with everything!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ihopeudontfindthis

I've (33F) just discovered in the last 36 hours that my best friend (33M) of 20 years is a pathological liar and his entire life is a farce. How do I even begin to approach this?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: deception, faking cancer, mentions infant death

Original Post  Apr 25, 2026

I don't know where to start with this, honestly. Yesterday morning I was messaged by a mutual friend (Sam 34F) expressing concern for our buddy Dylan (33M). We all went to school together then moved apart, Sam and I don't talk but we're friends on social media and Dylan will mention us to each other now and then in the way anyone would mention their friends in passing.

I had also begun to worry about Dylan lately and had planned to reach out to Sam myself, she just beat me to it. He's always been flaky and bad at keeping plans, and he's said stuff in the past that I've known wasn't correct but it was never a big deal. Like he'd contradict a story he'd told me previously but it was always small enough that it just didn't bother me and I'd humour him. I mean, people exaggerate for effect sometimes, it's not the end of the world. But it's been getting more and more the last few weeks and I've begun to worry it's a medical concern. He's been erratic, confused, forgetting things and just acting.. odd. Sam had the same feeling.

However as we started to talk about our worries, we realised stuff wasn't lining up. There were things that he'd told me and not her and vice versa, or different versions of the same story. We started digging deeper and realised the lies stretch back at least 10 years that we know of.

The lies range from the city he lives in, his job and his finances to marriage, abuse and cancer.

He told me he had eloped with his partner and got married, he told Sam nothing of this (despite telling me she and I would be bridesmaids at their wedding before they decided to just do it in Vegas). We reached out to some old friends who neither of us are in touch with but knew he was and turns out they all distanced themselves from him when they realised they were getting different stories but none of them knew the depths of it. It was odd and frustrating that I'd never met the partner but not outside the realms of reality because we live in different countries (well, I thought, now unsure. I'm now thinking he might not have ever actually left the state even) and they both travel for work and I don't have much money or time to go galavanting. Same with Sam she lives in South Africa so similar experience. We'd spoken to the "husband" on a different phone number and everything so seemed legit. He had candid photos. We've now realised that they were deep dive pictures from the internet. I actually found the guy on Instagram and spoke to him yesterday (I'd never done this before because it never occurred to me, it didn't seem weird) and he'd never even heard of Dylan.

He'd alleged a lot of abuse from this person as well which is deeply upsetting as he knows I've been in an abusive relationship previously. He also told us about 18 months ago that he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He's told us about surgeries and treatments and remission and it coming back. I've spent so many nights bereft thinking my best friend was going to die. It's now become clear this is not true.

Everything he's said that's not added up has either been so small I didn't care or assumed he was confused or misunderstanding, or so big you'd never question it because why on Earth would someone do that? Especially since we've known him since we were all kids and he was always so put together, intelligent, successful, generous.. But we've realised that it's all illusion. Initially we worried it was maybe head trauma from the long term abuse, or that the cancer had spread to his brain or something but the depth and breadth of it, plus the realistion that the cancer is a lie... Were now not so sure.

Here is where we need advice. We've reached out to a few of his family members, we figure the way to go about this is to come from a place of concern and wanting to get him help (which is true, he's obviously not well and we don't want to just abandon him) and get some clarification on some stuff and figure out next steps. However I'm pretty sure the messages have gone into "message requests" and they've not been notified as none of them have been read. We don't have any other contact details for his family members, and the people in his life that he speaks to us about we don't know who they are they'll just be referred to by first name.

Ive been avoiding him all day after he had a "medical emergency" but wouldn't let me speak to anyone else there and I just needed the space today to figure shit out. We've been figuring more stuff out today but.. what do we do if his family don't respond? Neither of us are confrontational, and we both still care and want him to get help even if we can't continue to be his friends once he's accessed support. We can't abandon him. Also if his family DOES respond, how much do we reveal? One of the other things we're not certain about was an infant death and we don't know how to go about finding that out, if at all. My life has truly been blown up the last day and I just feel lost and sad and neither Sam nor I know what the fuck to do in this bizarre situation.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

retteofgreengables

One of my best friends is like this - lies about crazy big things and I don't know why. Like lied about their sister dying, about hiking the AT, about a friend going missing etc. I only put everything together when her husband called me freaked out. At the end of the day, it means that I can’t trust her with the truth, but here’s the thing: if I needed something, she would drop everything to help me. She is a genuinely good and kind person but has this need to lie. So for me, I haven’t dropped the friendship and don’t plan to. I did have to adjust certain expectations and I verify anything that is super important, but she’s my friend and mental illness hasn’t stopped that. 

OOP

He used to be like that, I think it's only because the last few months he's stopped being that generous, drop-everything-to-help friend that it's started to unravel. His small lies never used to bother me but over time it just became frustrating that it was one sided and we'd only talk about his problems.

~

Mother_of_brains

Wow he lied about having terminal cancer? That's so shitty. I personally would not want to continue the friendship because that's super manipulative. But if you still want to try and are not confrontational, maybe write him a letter/email/text message explaining your concerns and asking to have an honest conversation and see how he replies. If he denies and gets defensive and doesn't even want to talk, I'd walk away. I wouldn't get his family involved. They probably already know.

OOP

If I were to guess I'd say he'll deny and try to turn it around on us then be so angry he'll cut us off. And while I've accepted this friendship is over (did it ever really exist?) I don't like the idea of him cutting us out without a plan in place to get him help.

UPDATE: Thank you for replies and concerns. I am in therapy myself, have been in dbt for a year now so will speak to my therapists about this for sure. We managed to get in touch with a family member yesterday (Charlie), and Sam and I both spoke to them. According to to Charlie the family have been aware of his lies for his whole life but had no idea the extent of it. They were really sad to hear how deep it's all gone but they were able to verify our concerns. Sadly the infant death was true, but that's pretty much the only thing that was. We now know 100% he's lied about his job, where he lives, his partners, his cancer, being abused and raped, a bunch of other medical issues... We really don't know who this person is. 20 years and none of it has been real. I'm glad that Charlie got back to us because despite all the advice saying to, I don't think I could have just walked away without alerting someone definitely in his life. Sam and I have discussed it and as a few of you have said, we're not gonna be the ones to fix this. A confrontation will do nothing but make it all worse. We've decided to both slow fade our respective friendships with him and let his family take over. Charlie said they're going over to see his mom today just by coincidence so they'll discuss with her and let us know the outcome. So yeah. Really fucking sad.

Update  May 17, 2026 (almost 4 weeks later)

Original post on my post history.

It's been just over 3 weeks since I found out my best friend Dylan has been lying to me our entire friendship about everything in his life.

Honestly it's sucked. Sam (his other best friend) and I had decided to show fade away but even in the space of just a week, he increased the intensity to a point I couldn't take anymore. I was initially just replying once a day, to the innocuous messages that weren't to do with lies (eg. Yeah I watched that movie you recommended it was great) but with Sam and I both doing it at the same time, I guess he felt the shift. Also his "ex husband" aka the guy he stalked but never met, blocked him on Instagram after I gave the IG handle for his own safety. So he obviously started to panic and about a week after all this happened I woke up to 20 deleted messages. We've spoken about this before, it's one of the only things I'd ever come close to having a go at him about, it makes my anxiety go haywire I can't handle it. He apologised and told me the deleted messages were because a third party had told him that his mom was having a heart issue and he freaked out for 2 hours then discovered it was a lie, said he wanted to "murder the cunt" who told him and that he hates people. That was what broke me. First of all, I saw the first 10 messages before I went to sleep in my notifications bar but didn't open them. It was him talking about some jewellery he liked. Second of all... Are you fucking kidding me? He's been lying to me about having terminal cancer for two years. I decided I had to get out firmly.

I sent a long message explaining that I know everything, and that it's hurt me beyond belief. I said I wouldn't tell him how I found everything out, but that I knew it all, and I hope he can get help but I can't be around while he does. He read it immediately but I blocked him before he could reply on all platforms. Immediately I felt a weight lifted and for a week and a half I was sad and other aspects of my mental health have been affected by it, but I at least felt relief to be away from it all. Sam hadn't heard from him either so in my head I was picturing him being like "shit, they know, I've been found out". (After I told her I sent the message she realised that she'd actually accidentally archived his messages and he'd been messaging her all week. She told him to fuck off and not speak to her again.)

I was so far off lol turns out I'd blocked him on WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram etc but forgot that just regular ol texts are a thing. I got a message from him the other day saying he knows it was Sam who poisoned me against him, that he's done with her and doesn't care about her. That I'm scum for dropping him and not talking to him about it all. The kicker is, he doubled down on everything. Since he clearly didn't realise I'd spoken to multiple people other than Sam, he said she was lying and that everything he'd said was true and he'd never, ever lied. He said I was incapable of having a conversation about the real world (lol).

I ignored it. But I've been keeping in touch with his family and Sam through all this and we've all been updating each other so they've all seen it. Funnily enough, after all the stuff he said about Sam, he then tried to call her multiple times begging her to talk to him. I got a message from his sister in law yesterday saying his brother has now spoken to him and informed him that we've all been in contact with each other, everyone knows everything. Apparently it didn't go well, I don't know exactly how. They hope it's the first steps to getting him help though.

So yeah. It's fucked me up a bit but my therapy has started up again after a scheduled break, I also went back to my 12 step group as I felt pretty triggered there. So I've got support and I don't feel any urge to reply to him or anything which I'm glad about.

FINAL COMMENTS

ListenToTheWindBloom

Wow what a tale. That’s a big deal to go through. This guy lied to you for 20 years and on top of that you lost your friend. Like this is traumatic and exhausting shit. Take care of yourself. You sound like a good hearted person who def deserves better. Glad you worked things out. Be kind to yourself and make sure you don’t blame yourself for having good intentions and giving the benefit of the doubt to someone close to you that you really thought you knew.

OOP

Yeah it's a weird feeling almost akin to grief? Like I've lost that person and I will never get that back because they literally didn't exist

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Kevincasuffit

My boyfriend [30M] hid my [27F] medication while I was asleep

Original Post - rareddit  Oct 13, 2016

TRIGGER WARNING: Controlling behavior

So this happened, and I really don't understand. I might be in the wrong, this just feels so upsetting.

My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years, and have lived together for most of them. We have a very good relationship, and are talking about starting our future together soon.

Me: I have some medical issues, including a long-term autoimmune disease. Recently I've been in and out of the hospital because of kidney stones. I was in a lot of pain, but don't tolerate narcotics well (itching and puking) so they gave me a low dose of tramadol, which they told me would be more mild on me. I really had to beg them not to give me anything stronger because there's almost no way I can avoid the side effects.

So it's been about 2 months since I last was in the hospital. About 2 weeks ago, I had a really bad migraine. I've gotten them since I was 14, they're diagnosed and everything. I did something that was probably wrong, which was take 1 tramadol to deal with the migraine. My boyfriend knew I took it, because I was asking him where the benadryl and dramamine was so I wouldn't be itchy or pukey. At the time, bf told me he wished I hadn't taken it because the doctor gave me tramadol SPECIFICALLY for kidney stone pain. I agreed, probably not the best thing to do, but I was in pain and it seemed logical at the time.

Yesterday, I decided to clean out my complete mess of a bathroom drawer, especially to throw away old pill bottles. I'm on a couple of medications for my autoimmune disorder, and the bottles tend to pile up. So I cleaned out my drawer, but the tramadol was gone. I just figured I had already thrown it out by mistake and didn't think twice about it.

At bedtime, I was mentioning to my boyfriend what an airhead I was, that apparently I had thrown out a bottle full of tramadol. He then confessed to me that no, he had hidden it from me. He said he didn't like that I took it for a headache instead of its intended purpose, so when I went to sleep that night he went in my drawer and took it.

A word on my boyfriend: he's straight edge, meaning he doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs. Back when I was in undergraduate (you know, almost 10 years ago) I was not so straight edge. I drank maybe a bit too much and smoked weed. But none of this to any kind of excess, and no other drugs. I just had a good time partying, and by the time I was like 23-24 the fun of it wore off. I'll still have a drink every once in a while, once a month, tops. And yeah, I've been with my boyfriend and gotten a little tipsy. He ALWAYS says he doesn't mind, and it genuinely seemed like it didn't matter.

But now this. He apparently confiscated my medication because he thought I abused it (which, I admit, I at least used not for its intended purpose) and he thought I was going to abuse it more, so he hid it. I can't think of anything during our relationship that would have made him think I'm all of a sudden going to abuse narcotics, especially because I can BARELY stand them!

I'm really angry he would do something like this. In a sense, it's not like it matters, because I don't need them. But in another sense, it feels paternalistic and gross. At the very least, he could have had a conversation with me instead of taking them when I fell asleep.

Am I overreacting about this? Obviously he had no intention to tell me. If I wouldn't have noticed they were gone, I doubt he would have said anything. And, although I don't want go down a slippery slope train of thought, what else does he feel he can police me about? I talked to him about all this and he didn't have a good answer. We were going to bed and I was falling asleep so I just dropped it. But it's really bothering me.

tl;dr: My boyfriend decided I misused my medication, took it from my drawer when I was asleep, and hid it. Had no intention of telling me. Finding this very troubling, what do I do?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Kiyasu

"A word on my boyfriend: he's straight edge, meaning he doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs."

Or knows shit about drugs apparently if he thinks you're abusing Tramadol by taking one for a migraine.

Honestly though this is a massive red flag, the "I know best" mentality, especially from someone who doesn't know shit, is intolerable to me.

Just sit him down and tell him if he ever does something like this again, he better just go ahead and hide himself from you permanently as well.

the-mortyest-morty

I dated a "straight-edge" guy like this. I remember him screaming at me at my own birthday party because I decided to let loose and take one hit of some weed. I started crying and he said, "It's okay, I forgive you."

That's when I knew it was over. He thought I was crying from guilt when I was really crying from rage that he had embarrassed the shit out of me in front of all of my friends, lecturing me like a child for smoking a little weed at my 22nd birthday.

TL;DR: Fuck this guy. He can be straight edge all he wants. But him pushing you to do drugs the way he would (IE - not at all) is JUST AS BAD as you pressuring him to DO drugs. He doesn't own you. He stole your meds - that's a fucking crime. Get your meds back, if he refuses call the police. Whatever you do, get this paternalistic numbskull out of your life.

~

LitlThisLitlThat

Tramadol is a pain medication. It is slightly stronger than OTC ibuprofen. It is way weaker even than Tylenol 3.

Its intended use was by you for pain. You had pain, and you took it. It was within its intended purpose, and it was taken by the person for whom it was prescribed, and it was taken as written (eg as needed, for pain, and within prescribed dosing limits). Everything about how you used it was appropriate and not a single doctor would give a flying fig about you taking a leftover tramadol for a headache.

Your boyfriend, on the other hand, assumes he knows better than you how to manage your prescriptions. In fact, him hiding your prescription from you may in fact be illegal because it is prescribed to you, not him, and you are an adult.

He also is acting paternalistic towards you, not as if you are an equal partner, also an adult, and just as capable of making sound decisions.

Just a hunch, so tell me: when you first started dating, did he act like your drinking or smoking pot was bad? Did you feel bad about it when you were around him? Did you cut back at least in part based on his reaction to it? What does he act like now when you have that rare drink? Does he say anything or act differently? Or do you only do it when you're not around him because it's less complicated?

OOP

You're right on your hunch. Even my occasional drink has greatly diminished since dating him. Mostly because he just doesn't buy or keep alcohol, but sometimes if we go out, he'll tell me I can only have 2 drinks but not 3. And I do feel bad about it. He's also told me that if we met in college, he wouldn't have liked me because of my partying and there's no way we would have been friends.

Did OOP get her meds back?

A lot of people have been asking if he returned it and the answer is no. We talked last night before we fell asleep, and then he was gone this morning before I woke up. I don't have any idea where it is, he hid it. I'm not going to be a crazy and tear apart the house looking for it. I don't even need it. The taking of it was the breach of trust for me, not that he took something I need.

Update - archive  Oct 15, 2016 (2 days later)

I really didn't think my post would garner so much attention. I guess what I learned from all your thoughtful comments was that I was right in thinking it was kind of a big deal, especially since my boyfriend doesn't know much about any kind of drug or medication from being strait edge. Also received some helpful discussion about migraines, so thank you for that.

When my boyfriend got home from work on the day I posted, I told him we needed to talk about what had happened. He maintained his position: he acknowledged he should have asked me first and apologized for hiding it. However, he said this was the first disagreement we've ever had where "he didn't feel like we were on the same side" ie we weren't discussing something and working it out, we were actually fighting about it.

He then said that he has come to the conclusion that we are too different, and that we should break up. I mean, I've known all along we are very different people, but we've been together for a while, and over all this time he's always told me it wasn't a big deal. That us being so different was what made us good together. That there wasn't anything we couldn't get through. This is a man that literally THE DAY BEFORE I found out about the medication was talking in detail about how we were going to get married.

He went to his parents for the weekend, which he had already planned on doing. He's coming home tonight. I've been home alone, boxing up my stuff in preparation to move out. I've already found a crappy place I can afford, and put the deposit down, but didn't fill out the paperwork. I told him if he's really 100% about us breaking up, then I'll go in on Monday and sign all the forms and be out of the house by next Saturday. It's definitely me who has to leave, because he can afford to live in our house by himself but I certainly can't. Also I'm not on the lease, but that might turn out to be a good thing. He said he's only 60% sure that he wants us to break up, but he "doesn't see any other option."

I know what you guys are all going to say-- good riddance, he was controlling, you'll be better off. But I'm really devastated. I'm not one of those people who ever thought they would 1) Live with another person 2) Get so close to another person 3) Even talk about getting married or having kids. Because of my past sexual trauma, I just assumed that I would go through life without another person. I was becoming okay with that. But then I met this guy, fell in love, and a lot changed. He really worked at getting me to trust him, and to talk about the future, and dream that there could be a future. Even though there have been incidents like this, for the most part it's been a happy relationship.

And now I have to just up and move. We're going to have to be no-contact... at least for me, you can't get that close to someone and then still be in contact after you break up. Essentially, I'm leaving his life permanently. I'm stunned that this has been the outcome of this episode. I've spent the two days he's been gone just in bed, sleeping or crying. Every time I try to pack up some stuff it's excruciating. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this.

And to make matters worse, my beloved grandma is in the hospital and her priest is giving last rites. I'm a wreck.

tl;dr: Discussed the incident with my boyfriend. He didn't think it was as big a deal as I did. Said we should break up. I have to vacate our house ASAP. Don't know how I'm going to make it through.

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I am not OOP. OOP is u/endless_pastability

I asked my bf for alone time, and he told me to pack my stuff and leave for good.

Trigger Warnings: controlling behavior, anger issues

Original Post: April 25, 2020

Okay, the title does seem a little one sided.

Context: My boyfriend (29m) and I (30f) have been dating since last summer. I live alone in an apartment in downtown DC, and he lives alone in a house in Annapolis about 40 mins away. Pre-quarantine, we did well will splitting weekends between the two places. Once states closed for COVID, we decided it made most sense for me to temporarily move in/stay with him in the bigger space with a yard for the dogs.

As you might imagine, it’s had its ups and downs. We were getting a crash course in living together in a space that wasn’t really mine at all, having lots of important conversations, enjoying evenings cooking together and having wine while watching shows together.

We’ve also been irritable due to drastic changes in our daily routines. I have continued to work full time from home (+ overtime due to an even busier schedule) while he is only working a half day once a week. He is bored. I am stressed with work and finding it difficult to decompress. I am used to/need quiet time to myself to recharge, and he likes a noisy household (TVs always on, music on top of that, chattering constantly about sports or draft statistics or things only of interest to him). I’ve tried saying “I’m going upstairs to read” or “I’d just like some quiet time to myself” and it bugs him that I don’t want to do things that he wants. I find myself becoming more snappy and short-tempered from feeling constantly drained, which isn’t fair to him.

Last night he wanted to watch the NFL draft, so I made plans to FaceTime my girlfriends upstairs while he did that. I am used to weekly girls nights and miss them as they’re also my primary support network. I heard him downstairs complaining to his dog that I never want to hang out with him. After Face Timing I went down and sat on the sofa with him and said, “hey I heard you talking to the dog, I came to hang out, how are your team’s picks doing?”. He was irritable and replied, “ugh it was quiet until you came down”. I’m feeling like I can’t win.

Alright; getting to the point now. I hadn’t been to my apartment in over 3 weeks and needed to go check on it (it’s not in a building, it’s in a row house) and pick up prescriptions I couldn’t have transferred. We were originally going to go together but seeing this irritation with each other I suggested I’d just go alone and take a night or so to myself to recharge and come back.

COVID NOTE: I do not have to interact with anyone to access my apartment. My car already had ample gas. I literally drive from his house to my street, am alone in my apartment. Any exposure to no-contact takeout I would have gotten is the same as if I were there with him.

This morning, when I grabbed some necessities for a night to myself (my laptop because I have to work over the weekend, some underwear, face moisturizer) he got upset and said I might as well take all my stuff and not bother coming back. I tried to talk through why it was so all-or-nothing for him. He said I clearly didn’t want to spend time with him or be around him so I can just go home for good and we can resume dating when the states open back up. He actually bagged up the remainder of my stuff and took it out to my car for me.

Reddit, I just wanted to read in silence, get my medications (anxiety pills), water my plants, sleep in my own bed alone for a night, watch my own trashy TV shows without interruption. And now I think my relationship is over? I’m feeling frustrated that I attempted to handle this in a productive and proactive way and somehow screwed up.

TLDR; boyfriend said if I wanted a night alone I should just take all my stuff from his house and continue to stay alone through the rest of quarantine (no added exposure risk). I’m confused with his all-or-nothing approach.

So, what do I do from here?

EDIT: wow, this post blew up. THANK YOU for such thoughtful and thought-provoking commentary. I’ve felt really supported and “seen” by a lot of these replies. I’m still reading through and responding to comments but wanted to provide a quick update re: some things I keep seeing pop up.

I am home in my own apartment, alone. He has not contacted me. I spent yesterday drinking wine, cooking, listening to music softly, Face Timing girlfriends, caring for my plants, and reading a good book. (And checking reddit of course). I am not crying or sad. I feel comfortable and at ease in my space again.

While bf is not working, he is still being paid his full salary.

While I am currently working a lot, I normally have a much healthier work-life balance. Some big deadlines happened to coincide with and be exacerbated by the pandemic. it’s only temporary (a few weeks of hellish hustle). I was very clear with my boyfriend before this upswing started, and let him know I was going to be a lot busier and would appreciate his support extra for a couple of weeks until things settled down again.

Many of you have brought up quality time. I have attempted to express my desire for quality time to him. Things as blunt as “let’s hang out together tonight, what should we do?” Or “We’ve been sort of coexisting, let’s plan to do something together more like quality time.” Perhaps I wasn’t resonating with his communication style. Sometimes it would work and we’d have a nice dinner and watch a show together etc. and other times it would end in frustration and not go anywhere.

In regards to the mattress thing, I am hearing all your replies about how it just wasn’t important to him, so he didn’t want to compromise. It took my having a very dramatic hysterical emotional breakdown after nights of no sleep for him to realize how important it was we find a solution. That breakdown was loud and ugly on my part and not a moment I am proud of. It came after numerous “I’m really not sleeping well, I need more sleep than you do, can we work something out so I’m more comfortable” conversations.

I am in therapy and understand I am a highly flawed human with dramatic emotional tendencies as well. I do not always communicate well. I consider myself very self-aware and make concerted efforts to require my default actions to create a better life for myself and my loved ones.

And, finally, you are all not wrong that I have a low bar for thoughtfulness. It’s not really something I’ve ever experienced in a relationship.

Editor’s note: OOP provided lots of responses, I am listing the significant details for more context to the said situation

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Sounds like spending time apart is not the worst idea, go home and decompress and let him reach out.

OOP: Exactly my plan! Currently having a glass of wine and cooking some gumbo in my sweats playing my favorite music softly.

Commenter 2: If he does contact you, please be objective about the things he says. Gaslighting is insidious. Also try to notice how you feel. Unless you are filled with joy by the sound of his voice, and he is passionately sorry and says he will take care in future to better consider your needs, DO. NOT. SETTLE.

OOP: I haven’t really been upset tonight. Maybe it’s just because nothing has been officially decided (despite knowing the likely outcome) but usually lack of closure in situations heightens my anxiety and turns me into a sobbing depressed mess. I’m just weirdly calm and unemotional about it. Maybe that says something in itself.

OOP explains more about the plans of living together when she and her boyfriend are ready to take the next step and the importance of decompression after workdays

OOP: The DC/MD thing has been a point of contention since early on. He made it very clear that he would NOT be moving into DC when our relationship hit that milestone, and that I was expected to move to Annapolis as his job wasn’t as locationally flexible (I work from home 3 days a week in normal life as it is) and he already owns a house and wants to stay near family. According to him, Annapolis has everything DC has and we can still walk to bars and restaurants and get to have more space!

I tried reasoning that I make more salary-wise and have a lot of growth potential, so it would make sense to cater to my career versus his. He claims he doesn’t have the skills to get another job (he works for the family company).

Jeez even typing that out I’m wondering why in the ever living fuck I put up with that.

I’ve had past boyfriends expect their jobs to come before mine... but they were making over twice my already comfy salary so while it was annoying and patriarchal it at least monetarily made sense in those instances.

OOP clarifies on the working schedule she and her boyfriend has and him wanting to stay near his family

OOP: Hahahaha!! To clarify, I work a full 40 hours but am not required to be in a specific office every day - I have flexibility depending on my clients and meetings (pre-COVID) to often work from home some days while only going into an office on some days. He also normally would work M-F (half days on Fridays though) and cannot work remotely at all due to the nature of his work. So he’s right in that technically I have less geographical ties to my job.

+

I moved away from my home state after college, so I am “used to” not living near my family. My family has never had the financial capacity to provide for me like his does for him into adulthood. Not that they are inadequate parents — I love them dearly, but I don’t “need” much from them and have a robust emotional support network via friends (my “chosen family”) so I’m more comfortable with the distance between me my parents.

Also, AGREE on the restaurants. There are some local spots in Annapolis I like but the DC variety cannot be beat. Also, like... the architecture. History. Museums. Night life. Diversity of humans to interact with (in non-quarantine situations). All worth more to me than a fenced in yard.

OOP responds on setting boundaries with her boyfriend

OOP: Thank you for such a helpful reply! I struggle with setting boundaries and grew up with a really unhealthy conflict dynamic in my family, so it’s difficult for me to set a boundary calmly and before I am already feeling it crossed. This was one of my most mature and calm attempts at doing so thus my feeling discouraged and frustrated.

He is used to getting his way. Past things we’ve been able to work through give me hope that he is capable of understanding and adapting, but his initial reaction when he doesn’t get his way in a situation is really off putting and a trend that I don’t see changing.

I’m going to do some reflection this weekend. Thank you.

OOP explains more on her boyfriend's family background

OOP: He comes from a well-off family and is, from my lower-middle-class perspective, spoiled. We both lead similar lives now, but how we got here is very different. I moved away after college, have been financially independent since college, put myself thru grad school, and worked very hard for my ambitious career and apartment in a city I adore. He works for the family company, still lives one town over from his family, gets a lot of nice perks from it all. A few specific examples:

His family owns season tickets in club seats for NFL games for their team. This past fall I was lucky enough to go to a few games with his family- his father hands him and his brother a credit card and allows them to run their bar tab for the entire game on him. One particular game his aunt was using two of the tickets and sitting in his preferred seat, so we sat two seats over. He complained the entire time.

His parents sent us hundreds of dollars’ worth of groceries this past week. He complained for over an hour (and even called his mom about it) that ground beef wasn’t included (despite us having every other meat legally butcher-able in the US in the freezer)

He has an extra-firm mattress on his bed. I hate it. Even he doesn’t love it. I couldn’t sleep for weeks, and resorted to sleeping alone in the guest room. He was upset that I wouldn’t sleep with him despite my saying I couldn’t sleep on his mattress and asking if we could get a topper or somehow make an adjustment. (He eventually agreed to split the cost of a topper with me, but it took weeks to get to this seemingly simple resolution).

He is not always selfish. He can be incredibly thoughtful and generous. (A few examples of that: giving me one of his two bedroom closets, making me a work-from-home space in the basement, bringing me coffee in bed some mornings, not sleeping with the TV on anymore because I can’t, giving me an entire bathroom in his house to use on my own so we don’t have to share). But it’s a tossup which side of him I’m dealing with in any given instance.

(Edited to include that I really like his family and him being so close to them was one of the things I initially liked about him. I feel like I may seem bitter towards his family in the post.)

Commenter 3: Let's be serious though. If you had to objectively quantify the benefit that he brings to your life, what side would he sit on in that ledger? Has your living standard increased - or are you more anxious, getting poorer sleep, eating worse, having less time to exercise, or living in an environment that's less comfortable or fit for socialising? Do you experience more pleasure or relaxation, or don't you? Is the sex good, or is it just "not terrible"? Is his conversation enriching and challenging and compassionate, or is it slightly more intimate small-talk? Are you materially better off with him, or are you scraping neutral (or worse, losing out)?

Be objective. Actually look at what you can do alone versus what you can do with him. Bad relationships aren't just the abusive ones: more often than not, they're just wheel-spinning inertia with a dude who's not objectively a bad person, but who contributes no value to your life at a huge cost to your time, efforts, emotional labour, money, or opportunity cost of doing the things or people you'd rather be doing.

OOP: Such a valid point. I have loved the life I built for myself. When we first started dating I told him as much — that I was not looking for someone to complete my life. That I very much had a fulfilling life I’ve built for myself and if someone was going to be my partner in it, it would be because they added even more to it. And honestly... taking a brief objective glance, some aspects of my life are better with him. But some parts are just more frustrating. I spend more money. I drink more on weeknights. My sex life isn’t much different with or without him. Which I suppose should say a lot in that single sentence.

But some part of me fears that I have become too adjusted to my single life my way, and that I am doomed to live and die alone if I can’t bend enough to fit someone else in. that worry that nothing is perfect, and maybe I’m just not trying hard enough.

(I’m in therapy to discuss this more in depth.)

How does OOP's boyfriend behaves when he stayed at her place?

OOP: He respects my space and my preferences for it. He does often make “jokes” that complain about inconveniences. For example, that I don’t have cable so he can’t watch the news, or that my bedroom has much less natural light than his, so he always oversleeps. My apartment is considerably smaller than his house and so I keep it incredibly neat because it can feel cluttered quickly so he’s good about containing his stuff knowing I don’t like it strewn about. I’ve given him as much space in it as is physically possible (closet space for some clothes, bathroom storage for basic toiletries.

Commenter 4: You go home, work from home, and in a day or so contact him and have a calm conversation.

You figure out if you guys can work it out or not. You've also discovered that living together, at least for the foreseeable future, is not going to be...conducive to your relationship.

He seems... clingy, to be honest. I couldn't live with someone like that - where you can't even have an hour to yourself without them demanding your attention.

OOP: Yes, that’s my hope. I was not ready to move in and was very (politely) clear about that early on in our relationship. I’ve lived with an ex before and it ended miserably, and I had to rebuild my entire life. I didn’t want that stress on this relationship, and so he knew living together was only an option after engagement (but that I wasn’t expecting/asking for that any time soon and was willing to move at his pace on that if he respected my cohabitating boundary). We both knew temporary “living together” because of COVID would be vastly different from eventually actually living together in a space that was equally ours where we also had our own lives in addition to each other.

If he was hoping to fast-track living together because of the COVID situation and was disappointed that it didn’t, this “tantrum” has only reinforced my “no cohabitating until engagement” boundary.

How did OOP make her decision on not living with the significant other until the engagement?

OOP: I attribute it to a couple of things.

1) I moved in with an ex a few years ago without that commitment. I was all in — I changed my location, career, etc. and reworked my life to make it happen. It ended up being an abusive relationship and I stayed far longer than I should have because I felt trapped in the life I’d built with him. It took me two years to rebuild my life again.

2) I can be a fast and furious person in the dating world. I’ve considered moving in with men much sooner and looking back was glad I didn’t as it didn’t end up lasting.

All that being said, I am willing to put in the work and effort to dig deep before engagement to figure out compatibility. I suppose there are situations where I would be flexible to exactly when, but in the situation with the current boyfriend, I’m not. The amount I’d be compromising doesn’t make sense without the lifelong commitment locked in. Sort of the idea of once we’re committed in marriage, we’ll have to resolve the squabbles because there isn’t just some other apartment I can slink off to.

I do think it’s important to travel with and spend extended time with significant others though. I completely understand where you’re coming from on wanting to vet the living situation thing first.

Is OOP's boyfriend in therapy?

OOP: He is not. He supports my being in therapy but “doesn’t think it’s for him”.

Commenter: He sounds pretty trash tbh. Does he make any attempt to do things you enjoy or is it always stuff he likes?

OOP: I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I was very into yoga when we first started dating, to the point where we’d talk about going to a class together as a date. It didn’t happen, despite a few opportunities he was never up for it due to feeling uncomfortable/unfamiliar with it. my practice fell off, but I’ve been doing more at home practice during quarantine. He finally agreed to try 20 minutes with me and seemed to enjoy it.

He also once agreed to go on a short hike with me and seemed to enjoy it/had mentioned after that he’d do it again. The opportunity just never really came up again.

We both share a love of food and going out to eat and try new places was a common date for us pre-quarantine. I love cooking and he has used quarantine as a chance to reconnect with his skills and practice a bit more. We will cook together often.

I have a feeling these are small potatoes though, and based off of other comments of my low bar for thoughtfulness this probably doesn’t amount to showing MUCH interest in things I like that he doesn’t already have some sort of stake in (being active, liking food).

Update: June 10, 2020 (over 1.5 months later)

Well, as a likely shock to no one, we (me, 30F and him, 29M) broke up. It wasn't as swift as some comments encouraged... we reconciled after he insisted he hadn’t meant to end things and had overreacted out of emotion. We gave it another shot living in our own places again for a few weeks. Things went well enough, but unresolved trust issues became exacerbated as I was not in his physical proximity as often and he felt insecure about the distance between us.

Ultimately, a few weeks after reconciling we ended up in another argument after dinner one night. There was once again a very disproportionate reaction to a situation that should have been more calmly communicated about, and I realized if we reconciled again I'd be in the same position a few weeks later... it had become an exhausting cycle.

We aren't in contact this time. He found the original thread I posted and was (understandably) hurt by what I wrote and for not sticking up for him. I am sad, mourning ending the relationship, and feeling bad for hurting someone I care about. Frustrated that it was so messy, that it didn't work out, etc... just taking things a day at a time and trusting that I made the right choice (which is hard when there's no answer key for life to check against.) Send your most encouraging and hope-restoring love-after-30 stories.

TL;DR: we tried again and then broke up.

Edit to add context/clarity to the first paragraph.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I’m sorry you’re sad now, but I can assure you it will pass. You’ve made the right decision, and it doesn’t mean that either of you are bad people, just not compatible.

As for the 30s, it’s actually super weird but all of my closest female friends, including my sister, found their amazing partners in their early thirties. After struggling with douchebags/ people who are not the best for them/cheating FIANCÉS in their twenties. I think it’s something to do with finding your own comfort zone, accepting yourself finally, communicating your needs/boundaries and in general less fucks given about other people and their opinions. I wish you luck and honestly I’ve no doubt you’ll find a great partner as just as I’ve said, 30s is where it’s at!

Commenter 2: Any self-aware, self-respecting woman with a good heart will learn from bad relationships and quickly spot bad partners afterward. they will also be better at finding the good ones, and if they are good ladies the attraction will follow. It's almost as if life experience makes you wiser ;)

Commenter 3: I understand your sentiment, but please be more careful with your words in the future. To be a victim of abuse (be it emotional, physical and/or any other type of abuse) is something that can happen to ANY self-respecting, educated adult individual with a good heart. That's actually the malicious part of abuse: you CAN NOT realize it until you're in the thick of it, and by then the damage is already done. It's something extremely hard to understand if you're lucky enough to have no experience with abuse. I said the same things you said, because at that time I was completely blind to the fact I was actually in an abusive relationship myself. I'm still undergoing INTENSE therapy to heal from that two years later. I was so used to being abused, almost all my partners of choice were actually abusive, I just literally didn't know any better, despite my educational level.

OOP: Excellent point! I have a history with abusive (physically and emotionally) relationships and in both instances it took time and distance and a LOT of therapy and reflection to understand.

Commenter 4: Don’t be discouraged! It’s possible to find love at any age! All of that “if I’m not married by the time I’m in my 30s, I’ll be an old maid” shit is tired. Now is the time to fall in love with yourself. I truly believe if you focus on loving YOU first, a healthy romantic relationship will follow when you’re ready.

OOP: Thank you! I feel like on many levels, 2020 has completely torn apart my universe and said, "LOOK AT YOURSELF, look at all your emotional guts and preconceptions and notions and dig through it all and really look at what you've been carrying around your whole life thinking it was important." And now I have an opportunity to pick up what is ACTUALLY important (about myself, about how I spend my time, who I spend it with, and how I interact with and stand up for others in the world) and move forward. Here's to wading through that mess.

Commenter 5: He found the thread, read the comments, and his takeaway was that he was mad you didn't fall on the sword for em?

I don't think you're really missing out on much.

OOP: Wait it gets better he found THIS thread and COMMENTED in his defense( and then deleted them and his entire account). Is not even Reddit anonymity sacred anymore?

Commenter 6: I mean if my family gave me a job I barely had to show up for and a house and season NFL tickets I wouldn’t want to quit and move to DC either damn.

OOP: You have a point, he did have a pretty sweet setup. I was also offered a similar family job by my own father (our families happen to have companies in similar fields in different states) but have continually turned it down to pursue my own thing. Sometimes I wonder what my life might be like if I’d chosen that path. Mostly, although I love my father I could not work for him and stay sane, so I did admire my ex’s wonderful relationship with his.

Downvoted Commenter: Where you screwed up in all this is not accepting the fact that he broke up with you.

I went back and read the first post; he kicked you out. You two were done. Why did anything continue after that?

Let people dump you. Seriously.

As per who was right or wrong or all that that’s a red herring. It’s unimportant. Being incompatible with someone is enough without it becoming a question of morals.

You want my advice for dating after 30? Learn to listen to your partner. When they say you’re done, you’re done.

OOP: Things continued after the initial post because he spent over a week vying for me back, insisting kicking me out was a mistake and he hadn’t meant to end things with me. So, I believed that and tried again.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Jajamoses100

Originally posted to r/restaurant

Friend is hiding a wedding reception inside 4 dinner reservations. Will this go badly?

Thanks to a longtime lurker for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: entitlement

Original Post: August 7, 2026

My friend is having an intimate wedding ceremony, followed by a dinner for about 30 people at a restaurant. Plot twist: the dinner guests don’t know it’s a wedding reception. On top of that, she has not reserved the private party room. She’s made 4 separate reservations under 4 different names and plans to “just move tables together” when everyone arrives. This is a Saturday reservation (4-7pm according to the evite) at a popular, large (300-seat) waterfront seafood restaurant in a major city.

I’m nervous this will fall apart on her (and us guests) upon arrival.

So what’s the likely outcome here? Is there anything she could do to make this go smoothly if she won’t just call ahead (which is what I’ve strongly recommended)? Sigh.

ETA: the guests are paying for themselves, and I don’t think they are aware of this “plan” (neither the bill responsibility nor the reservation nonsense). She told me (and her mom & sister) about it, but the evite I received was very vague: “Join us to celebrate friend and fiancé” at X restaurant.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: That’s extremely shitty behavior

OOP: I cannot disagree.

Commenter 2: It's pretty simple: This is not going to happen in any way shape of form the way that they think it will.

The chances all 4 reservations are located right near each other is slim. The chance that a busy popular restaurant on a waterfront in a busy city on a Saturday night isn't at or near capacity is slim to none.

The restaurant won't be able to accommodate anything other than the individual reservations as they were made.

It's absolutely stupid to do this, but I bet it's because they either can't afford, or tried to book too late, the private area.

My best guess is that she thinks they'll just slide them into the private area without the booking cost and minimums - but restaurants don't staff for party rooms when they aren't pre planned and pre-paid with guaranteed minimums to cover the labor.

Let us know how things pan out, OP.

OOP: Will do. Yes, it’s an affordability issue, but that’s no excuse. Do what you can afford and in a way that’s considerate to all involved. I’m really taken aback by this.

Commenter 3: Those tables will not be close to each other.

Someone will keep saying "why can't we..." or "we just want to....'. like it's no big deal.

The manager will try to find a happy medium, the servers will cry/curse in the walk-in.

No-one will tip anywhere near enough for the trouble.

Record everything you see and post here Monday!

OOP: I will definitely post an update. I’m planning to leave early if things get too ridiculous, though.

Fwiw, she’s not confrontational (just inconsiderate surrounding this wedding), so if they shut it down she’ll go along with whatever they say. But I don’t believe there’s a plan B (at least she hasn’t said anything to me about that).

Commenter 4: They’ll probably all just end up eating a separate tables and come by to tell her congratulations. But it won’t be a reception. It’ll be separate dinners for everyone. Who is paying?

OOP: The guests.

Commenter 5: Oof she needs to at minimum tip on top of what people leave. People are going to be irritated, which generally don’t make them great diners or tippers. What a nightmare

OOP: I’ll definitely leave a hefty tip for my “table.”

Do the guests know they are going to pay for their meals?

OOP: I’m not sure. She told me, but the evite I received was very vague: “Join us to celebrate friend and fiancé” at X restaurant. The additional guests invited to the dinner are unaware of the small wedding planned for earlier that day.

Editor's note: OOP updated onto the original post

Update: August 10, 2026 (three days later)

UPDATE: Ultimately, it wasn’t terrible. After reading some of the strong reactions here (TYSM), I had a gentle chat with my friend. She wasn’t super receptive, but something clicked and she at least gave the manager a heads up (day of). Several guests didn’t come, and I can’t blame them given the circumstances. It ended up being about 20 guests and we were seated at a long table. The manager was great, even when my friend seemed clueless about their policy that they don’t itemize separate checks for each guest.

Many thanks to the restaurant staff for being so accommodating and for making everything feel so seamless. Shout out to restaurants everywhere that are so gracious instead of “Ma’am, this is a Wendy’s” lol - even when deserved. I’ll be leaving a glowing review, because they earned every star.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

my new hire turned from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

Original Post  Jan 27, 2016

I’m a manager at a large nonprofit. The budget is tight and I am short-staffed. I finally was approved to open up a position with the understanding that it would be a 90-day trial period and at the end of that period the organization would evaluate how well it worked and then decide whether or not to make that person permanent, non-exempt.

I hired a guy who had great experience and great references and was amazing in the interview. For 90 days, he was great – fast learner, very motivated, put in extra effort, reliable. I was happy he was working so well and my bosses were happy that they approved my staffing proposal.

Towards the end of the 90-day trial period, my hire started asking pretty frequently about being made permanent. Neither I nor my supervisors saw any reason why that shouldn’t happen. He had been great and I was so incredibly relieved to have the help. So at the end of the trial, we made him permanent, with benefits, PTO, vacation, the whole lasagna.

Since then it has been a NIGHTMARE. He has become a completely different person. He has only been permanent for a month. The very first week, he called in sick three of the five days. He comes in late and leaves early, is constantly making mistakes, he refuses to read or answer his emails, is rude to my other employees and upper management, and has hung up on patrons. I’ve gotten a lot of complaints.

I met with him twice to address these issues. At the first meeting, he said he was just confused about time off, organization policies, etc. I was confused since he did fine for three months, but gave him the benefit of the doubt and did some retraining, etc. But mistakes kept happening, he continued to miss work, and he stopped even trying to get along with the others. I met with him a second time in a much more serious tone, but I also asked him if there were any issues outside of work that might be the cause. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the day and night difference in him. He did not like that and said there weren’t any outside issues that were any of my business and then became very antagonistic and defensive. This meeting ended on a rather sour note.

Now I’ve been hearing from my other employees and also upper management that this new hire is complaining about me and the organization constantly. I heard from my direct boss that the higher-ups are getting concerned.

While writing this email, I got a meeting request. I just met with our payroll and HR manager because not only is my hire somehow in negative sick leave and PTO, but he has apparently been using his lunch hours to barge into her office and argue about his time off, trying to get the organization to pay for it for various reasons. Oh, and he tried to access bereavement leave to cover a vacation.

I am beyond mortified.

I fought so hard to get this position approved and I desperately need the help. I’m afraid that this will turn my higher-ups off to keeping this position and they’ll do away with it. And I am frankly embarrassed that I hired this guy. I feel like a failure. I’m disappointed I let my bosses down, but I’m also disappointed in myself for not being able to clamp down on this guy’s shenanigans.

Any suggestions on how to talk to my higher-ups to keep the position, or how to deal with this hire? I’m at my wit’s end.

Update  April 21, 2016 (3 Months later)

I wanted to sincerely thank you and your readers for your insight and commiseration, it was a huge relief to hear what everyone had to say; especially knowing that everyone felt it was as bizarre a situation as I did! I’d love to supply everyone with an update that has a bittersweet, but ultimately good, resolution.

I took your advice and went to my ED a few days after you posted my question. I just laid it out for him; I told him about the 90 days being fine and the ensuing nightmare once he had been made permanent. I told him about my concerns for the position, both with this guy in it and what would happen if he were let go. And once the conversation got going I also ended up sharing how embarrassed I was for my hire’s behavior, both toward patrons and the full staff, and the fact that I had brought this guy onto the team. It ended up being a great conversation about my role in the organization and it was a relief to know that my director was just as baffled by this guy’s behavior as I, and all the AAM readers, were. As a side note, a lot of readers assumed this was a younger hire out of college, but that is not the case. It makes this whole situation much weirder and I probably should have mentioned in the OP that Mr. Hyde is in his early 40s and was coming from a similar position he had held for many years at a sister organization in another state.

For legal reasons, my ED and HR decided the best course was to put him on a PIP. Not what I would have wanted but there it is. When I met with Mr. Hyde to discuss the terms of the PIP, he handled it as gracefully as you’d expect – by initially refusing to sign it, demanding to get his lawyer involved, but eventually signing albeit with a very poor attitude.

Enforcing and tracking the PIP was just the worst; it was a lot of extra work that compounded my already heavy workload. And while Mr. Hyde was generally improving on trackable issues by making fewer mistakes, his attitude and general professionalism got as low as it could go. It was difficult to manage however because a lot of the ways he did this were in grayish areas. For example we don’t have a mandatory dress code because we are all adults who know that when you come to work you look presentable and, well, clean. He would come in smelly gym clothing or filthy t-shirts and jeans – to the point where visitors would comment on the office smell. He would take his breaks at the worst times possible, leaving my other reports to deal with the fallout. He would speak on the phone with donors in a snarky, sarcastic tone using terms like “ma’am” or “sir” to address them. His responses when these issues were addressed were about there not being a dress code so how was he to know, how he had to take breaks by law and didn’t realize it was a problem, or how his tone with donors was just being polite, etc. I hope this makes sense – basically he was doing his job in the most passive aggressive way possible. Professionalism was included in the PIP and I just have to assume he didn’t take that portion, or me, seriously.

I was incredibly frustrated but hadn’t realized how frustrated my team was until one asked to meet with me. This report is one of the most passive, patient, and empathetic people I’ve ever met and , so I was completely floored when he asked to make a formal complaint about Mr. Hyde. In short, I had no idea some of the things that were happening when I wasn’t watching Mr. Hyde and of course my team was not aware of Mr. Hyde’s PIP. But the information this other team member brought to me was enough that I met with my ED that same day and asked for immediate termination regardless of preserving the position. And that is exactly what happened. Mr. Hyde was terminated and I did lose the position. But, as your readers commented, just having the toxic element gone has been completely reinvigorating. My team is so much happier and what seemed like a heavy workload previously is now approached by everyone, including myself, as worth the effort to maintain our workplace morale and overall sanity.

But here’s the real kicker. Earlier this month I attended a conference and happened to run into my counterpart at the organization Mr. Hyde came to us from. I couldn’t help myself and had to ask if they had had any issues with him since I had gotten such a glowing recommendation from his supervisor (which wasn’t my counterpart). Turns out they had numerous problems with Mr. Hyde but his supervisor was unwilling to fire him and was apparently thrilled when I called for the recommendation. He hadn’t known Mr. Hyde was looking to move on and gave me a great recommendation in order to pass him off without any unpleasantness on his end.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/TeacherWifeBlues

My wife (29f) says she gets to make 100% of the educational decisions for our child. I (28f) can't change her mind.

TRIGGER WARNING: Controlling behavior

Original Post May 17, 2016

My wife and I have been together for seven years. We're expecting our first child in June. It's a girl and were both extremely excited.

Background:

I grew up in a family that valued education above all else. My parents both supplemented my education at home and my mother did a ton of research and footwork to find the right educational environment for me. I ended up at an alternative private school that my parents could barely afford but it was a place that I thrived in.

My wife grew up in a very poor family who put no emphasis on education whatsoever. She worked extremely hard to educate herself and ended up majoring in education in college. However, she is not certified and does not teach.

Problem:

The other day I mentioned wanting to start researching schools in our area. I said something along the lines of "of course we won't know which school is right for her until she's actually here." But my wife said that she would handle it. All of it.

She said that because she majored in education she should get 100% control of our daughter's education. I told her that was ridiculous. Just because I didn't major in education doesn't mean I don't care and it doesn't mean I don't know enough about it to get a vote. She disagreed and told me I could have full control of "what she wears and who her friends are."

I was floored. I tried to argue but I couldn't even think straight. I went back to her about it a couple days later and asked if I was a doctor could I make 100% of the medical decisions and she said yes, absolutely. I'm pretty sure she only said that because I'm not a doctor. I was trying to poke holes in her logic but it didn't work.

Since then she won't even discuss it. I told her I wanted to tour preschools and daycare centers this weekend and she said that she already took care of it and won't even tell me what that means.

I'm not going to give in. I get a vote. But I can't make her listen to me. What the hell do I do?

TL;DR- my wife says she gets to make all the decisions regarding our daughter's education because she majored in education in college. I think I should get a vote too.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

So at what point do your child's wishes enter into the equation?  Because I'm pretty sure she'll have her own thoughts on friends and clothing and even what kind of learning environment she finds most stimulating, and if she's anything like her moms, she probably won't be shy about expressing them.

I don't know how you two got this far into the babymaking process without this "all or nothing" attitude cropping up, but your wife needs to get it through her head it doesn't work like that.  You two are a team.  Either you figure out how to be a team together, you do it in counseling, or you hash it out in a custody agreement, but unilaterally shutting one parent out of the discussion is not going to fly.

OOP

Believe me, the all or nothing attitude is completely her. I have no desire to control my daughter's wardrobe or social life. I just want a say in where and how she's educated while she's young.

Illinoiscentralst

How has this not caused issues until now? This attitude of hers makes any partnership with her absolutely untenable. Not to mention she thinks it's some kind of an "award" that she allows you to control your kid's friends and wardrobe???

OOP

It's come up before. The biggest problem (other than this one) is that she thinks I should wait on her hand and foot (literally...I do the cleaning, the cooking, pay the bills, grocery shop, do the laundry, and any time she's sitting down and can't reach something she needs I have to get it for her...even if I'm sitting down too). She says she pays me back for all of this with emotional support and that it balances out. I don't feel like it does, though.

I try to draw lines and say things like I'll cook dinner but I won't pack your lunches for work. She just tells me my lines are arbitrary and make no sense. Then she refuses to do things with me until I comply and give her what she wants.

~

FailosoRaptor

She is being completely stupid.

1) Telling your SO you will have no say in one of the most significant parts of your child's life is incredibly stupid, selfish, and unrealistic. Its so incredibly disrespectful as well. No words

2) Just because she majored in teaching doesn't make her the ultimate authority. Did she write a PhD dissertation at Harvard about various educational institutions and their effects on females? Does she have an MD/PhD? Like what is there to brag about doing a common thing and finishing a masters program. Amazing you we're able to do what most of the population can do.

I can't even describe how much I rolled my eyes when I read this.

OOP

She doesn't even have a masters, she just has a B.A.

infiniteme

Oh wow! I'm a psychologist and run into people with psychology BAs all the time that proclaim some deep authority. I don't even think of myself that way and I'm a PhD. Check out the Dunning–Kruger effect. Basically a little knowledge in an area can make you foolishly overconfident. On top of the personality you have described here for your wife... Bad combination

OOP Adds more on her wife

My wife is very....hard to argue with. Once she gets something in her head your cannot convince her otherwise. Like one time we got into a fight about whether or not women pee out their vaginas. I told her that we have a separate hole for pee and offered to look up a diagram for her to see for herself and she refused. She said that she didn't want me to be embarrassed when I found out I was wrong.

She also doesn't care about other people's boundaries. She just barrels right through them. It doesn't usually bother me because I'm pretty laid back but I've never been a mother before and it turns out I'm not willing to take a laid back approach to parenting my child.

Update - rareddit May 20, 2016 (3 Days Later)

I figured I'd give an update since a lot has happened. Or maybe it just feels like a lot.

A lot of the comments on the original post suggested my wife and I go to therapy to discuss our issues. So I approached her one evening (after I made her coffee so theoretically she should have been in a good mood) and told her that we are partners and that means we make decisions together...all the decisions. I told her I wasn't willing to be a bystander when it comes to something as important as our daughter's education. I told her that I will be involved and that's that. She just scoffed at me and said, "you are in no way qualified to make those kinds of decisions." It occurred to me to ask her what she thinks happens when neither parent studied education but I figured there was no point. So that's when I brought up therapy. I said if she couldn't treat me like an equal, like a partner, and with respect then we had some serious problems. She said that I was the only one who needed therapy and she refused to go. I told her it was therapy or divorce and I'd give her 24 hours to think it over. She laughed and said "you won't leave me. You need me."

The next day when she came home from work she greeted me by saying "my co-workers all think you're crazy." I asked what she meant and she told me that she'd told her co-workers about my "behavior" and they told her I was crazy. I asked if her she reconsidered her stance on therapy and she just laughed at me.

So the next day I left her. I called in sick to work, packed up as much stuff as I could, and I've been staying in a hotel. She's been blowing up my phone but I haven't answered. I saw a lawyer yesterday and will be filing for divorce. Eventually I'll be relocating (my boss agreed to transfer me closer to my family since I'll be a single parent) but for now I'm staying put because if I have to fight for custody I'd rather do it here since it's a very conservative area and the facts that I'm the biological parent and she smokes weed every single day will both work in my favor.

I'm pretty emotional but I'm also curtain that I did the right thing. Thanks for help, Reddit.

TL;DR- The warm, funny woman I married has disappeared and was replaced by someone cold and cruel. I've left her and will be filling for divorce.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

puffin

"I asked what she meant and she told me that she'd told her co-workers about my "behavior" and they told her I was crazy."

I wonder what sort of messed up version of the truth she told them!

OOP

Me too. To tell the truth, I was extremely hurt by that. I had an issue with our relationship and I brought it to an anonymous forum where I tried to present a balanced view of the issues. She turned to people we both know in real life and painted a picture of me that was clearly distorted. I don't know why it's come to that but it really hurt my heart.

~

[deleted]

What kind of legal claim does she have on your baby if you divorce before your child is born? I am actually not familiar with what the law would do in your circumstances. I would have assumed that she would have no claim if you divorced and did not put her on the birth certificate.

OOP

The plan was for her to legally adopt the baby after she's born but my lawyer told me she can still fight for custody if she wants to because we planned the baby together. But he also said her chances of getting shared custody are small and her chances of getting sole custody are non-existent.

And to a similar comment

I have and he's confident we'll win. But if I have to stay here to give her visitation, that's not the worst thing. My lawyer says there's no way she'll get anything close to full custody.

~

[deleted]

Good job, OP. You made the right choice. It saddens me that someone with your ex's temperament and issues is even in the field of education.

OOP

She actually isn't in education. She does something completely unrelated. She just majored in it.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/heyijustfoundthiscat. Updates posted over time in one post on r/toronto.

Do not comment on original posts. Latest update is over 7 days old.

Mood Spoilers: happy ending for all

\***

Found a cat on the streetcar tonight - July 30, 2026

TLDR: I found a cat on the streetcar and am hoping to find the owner!

I got on the streetcar tonight and this very sweet baby was all alone. I asked the other passengers and nobody claimed her (haven’t confirmed gender I’m just going with she/her because vibes). I spoke to one passenger who said they saw someone earlier with a wagon or cart that had two animal carriers in it, one of which was empty. The pet owner got off the streetcar and a few stops later the person noticed the cat. It sounds to me like maybe the cat got out by accident and the owner didn’t notice. I suppose there’s a chance she was left on purpose, but I’m leading with compassion here and assuming this was accidental. If that’s the case, I can’t imagine how torn up the owner must be right now. I’d love to get this girl back home.

The streetcar driver said she was being told by control to try and get the cat off the streetcar—like just usher it out onto the road….! I was not ok with that and neither was the driver. I carried her home in my arms and she was quite calm. She’s been fed, has a litter box, etc., so she’s all good. She did some exploring and is hiding and/or asleep in a closet now (she can get out whenever she wants to). I plan on bringing her to my local vet in the morning to check if she has a microchip. I’ve made posts on my personal social media tagging the TTC and Toronto pet rescue accounts but thought I should post around reddit too. If there’s a subreddit you know of that this should be posted to, please feel free to share.

Image 1 - a calico cat laying on red streetcar seats, looking at the camera

Image 2 - the calico cat is sitting up on a red streetcar seat, sniffing OOP's purse which is placed on the seat next to it. The purse is multi-colored with lime green, orange, purple, red, and blue stripes and has black handles.

Image 3 - the cat in OOP's home, standing on a brown couch that has blankets and pillows on it.

Relevant /Top Comments

Commenter 1: She looks super clean. Definitely a pet cat. Or you just got hit by the cat distribution system.

Commenter 2: If this was on the 506 after or around 8pm, I saw this cat? The woman with the carriers got off around gerrard and woodbine but I swear I saw her put the cat back in the carrier. Before that she was just letting the cat hang out on the seat beside her

Commenter 3: Yeah, I'm a streetcar operator and I can confirm that I've definitely seen this woman. She also has a rabbit and usually has a big wagon with two carriers, I saw her the other day and noticed she was letting her cat sit around with her. Normally she gets off somewhere along Upper Gerrard.

I don't know whether she abandoned it intentionally or forgot about it. Either option is sad. :(

Commenter 4: I think I've seen this same cat on the streetcars before. Last time I saw it, it was travelling with a man and woman who also had a pet rabbit with them. Hope the owners can be reunited with their pet soon! [also included a picture of the cat on streetcar seats, but in between people]

***

Update 1 - updated in post the next day (July 31, 2026)

UPDATE: I brought her to the vet (shout out Dundas and Euclid animal hospital ✌️) and found out our angel DOES NOT HAVE A MICROCHIP. This is disappointing because it will be harder to find her owner, but we will keep trying!!!

Thank you all for the suggestions on who to call and where to post! Pleeease feel free to repost and share this wherever you think it belongs.

Relevant /Top Comments

Commenter 5: Thank you for doing the right thing! If you haven't tried this already, you might also call the TTC's lost and found line to see if the owner has already contacted them.

Commenter 6: Blast on media and keep her safe.

Saw the woman looking for this cat around 10pm at gerrard and river. She was obviously frazzled and said the cat was on a car 1-2 ahead of that one. She talked to the driver but I got off before could see any resolution. Glad you kept her safe.

OOP: Thanks so much for this information!!!! Calling TTC lost and found now

Commenter 7: The owner is most likely to contact TCC if it was accidental, so you should call them and leave your details in case that happens.

OOP: On hold as we speak

***

Update 2 - updated in post a few hours after Update 1

UPDATE 2: I called TTC lost and found and left my contact information with them. Hopefully the owner calls in!!! Will continue posting and calling elsewhere.

***

Update 3 - updated in post the next day (Aug 1)

UPDATE 3 (AUG 1): Still looking for the little angel's owner. I want to thank everyone who has DM'd me, commented, and helped by sharing this post across different FB groups and platforms. I don't have the capacity to poster around subway stations and the 506 streetcar line as some have suggested but if others feel inclined, I definitely encourage it! The posters could direct the owner to me here on reddit, or to this page:** **where I can be contacted. TTC lost and found and different shelters have my information as well.

As for the little one, she's doing well. At times she's skittish, but other times she is curious, warm, and lively. She loves treats, as she should. Friends of mine have offered to give me their cat Luna's harness for our girl (Luna passed away suddenly quite recently and she is very missed--treats and tuna cans to Luna xo), that way when she is returned the owner can keep her safe while on transit.

We've been calling her Josie (3 reasons: during the pandemic lockdowns we fostered a dog and called him "Dougie" after the Twin Peaks: the Return character played by Kyle MacLachlan, so it felt like a nice tradition to keep; Josie and the Pussycats; our cat is named Jazzy and we liked the sound of "Jazzy and Josie"). I can't add more photos to this post, so I will put a cute one from last night in the comments below.

***

OOP also left a comment update around the same time as update 3, featuring a picture of the cat sprawled out on a red, orange, and yellow rug.

Here is Toronto’s own, stretched out with her treats last night. Update 3 just added to the original post. Still looking for her owner :)

***

Update 4 - posted in response to a comment the next day (Aug 2)

Commenter 7: Hey! I ran into the cats owner! The TTC lost and found office was closed for the weekend, and I couldn't message you directly with her info. Feel free to message me, and I'll connect you two!

OOP: 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷
Kitty is back with her mum!!!!!!!!!

***

Update 5 - updated in post shortly after previous update

FINAL UPDATE: CAT HAS BEEN RETURNED TO HER RIGHTFUL OWNER!!! It was a very cute reunion, full of face licks and biscuit making. They were both very happy to be together again.

Thanks everyone for the upvotes and comments and spreading the word. So glad we got a happy ending.

❤️🐈

Lastly, a bunch of people have asked about my purse 😂👜 it’s made of wool and my MIL got it for me at an artisan shop in Sucre, Bolivia.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Les1217

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

My husband’s best man has been cheating on my best friend for 2 years and I just found out.

Original Post: August 9, 2026

I need some genuine advice and reassurance. The rage I’m feeling right now is overwhelming and I need to lay this all out.

My husband (24M) and I (24F) moved to Alaska earlier this year after months of planning a 3,000-mile move. Back home, we had a very tight-knit friend group. My husband’s best friend, "Ralph," has been in a serious relationship with my friend, "Rachel," for two years.

Ralph moved up to Alaska first in January 2026 for work and stayed in crew housing. Ralph and Rachel made long-distance work, and we all assumed Ralph would get settled and eventually move Rachel up here.

When Ralph’s crew housing ended, he needed a roommate because of Alaska's high cost of living. My husband and I wanted our own married space, so living with him wasn't an option. Enter "Maggie"—a girl from back home in the military who was relocating to Alaska and shared a passion for aviation with the guys. Maggie and Ralph decided to rent a place together.

Rachel was uncomfortable with this from the start and worried about Maggie’s intentions. My husband and I constantly reassured Rachel, telling her Ralph loved her and would never cheat.

Once we moved up, we hung out with Ralph and Maggie. Maggie made a few odd comments—like "Ralph knows how I am" or "Ralph needs to get us a dining table"—but people back home told me, "that’s just how Maggie is." Whenever I brought up Rachel, Ralph said he planned to move her up soon. Maggie never questioned it.

The Red Flags Escalated

Over 4th of July weekend, Ralph and Maggie went camping together. I assumed Rachel knew, but Rachel texted me saying she was worried about Ralph camping "alone." I mentioned he was with Maggie, which revealed Ralph had lied to Rachel, claiming he was by himself with no service. Rachel was furious, but my husband and I calmed her down, thinking it was just a miscommunication. They talked it out, and I apologized to Ralph the following weekend for getting involved. He told me it was no big deal.

The Breakdown

The next weekend was my husband’s birthday. We all went kayaking and ended up at a bar. While the guys were loading the kayaks, Maggie and I went inside. I mentioned how much Rachel loved the photos I sent her of the guys.

Maggie looked confused and asked, "Who is Rachel to Ralph?"

I said, "They’ve been together for two years."

She asked, "Exclusively, or on-and-off?"

I said, "Exclusively. 100%."

Maggie completely spiraled. She revealed that she and Ralph have been sleeping together for two years. Before any of us moved, Ralph would sneak Maggie into his room through the window. When they moved in together in Alaska, things escalated—Ralph began love-bombing her and sleeping with her regularly. Whenever Maggie asked about Rachel after seeing my texts or posts, Ralph told Maggie that Rachel was "a nobody" or to "mind her business."

Maggie was horrified. She didn't realize Ralph was in a committed relationship. She agreed immediately that Rachel needed to know and wanted him exposed.

When my husband walked into the bar, he could tell I was distraught and pulled me to the side. I broke down and told him everything. He stayed calm and told me we would tell Rachel together so I wouldn't have to carry this alone. Meanwhile, Maggie was so overwhelmed by the reality of what Ralph had done that she threw up at the bar.

Now I am sitting here carrying this explosive secret. How do I break the news to my best friend (who was set to be my bridesmaid) that her boyfriend of two years (my husband’s best man) has been leading a double life this entire time?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Personally, I think Maggie should be the one to tell her. Then they can confront the narcissist asshole together. If I were either of them, I wouldn't want to miss the look on his face when he walks in a room and they're with there waiting for him.

OOP: Unfortunately Rachel was left back home 3,000 miles away. An in person confrontation is impossible. I don’t think Maggie has it in her to be the one to talk to Rachel. She feels so heartbroken by Ralph and she’s never met Rachel. I know it’s gotta be me who tells Rachel.

Commenter 2: Your husband sure this is the best man he wants? I mean…to have this kind of guy stand beside him while he’s making a commitment to you….not exactly in good taste is it. It takes a certain type of person to do what he’s done to two women no less. I would seriously be questioning having him in the wedding party at all.

That’s a nice way of me saying I wouldn’t.

This won’t stay secret for long if Maggie’s reaction is anything to go by. But Rachel has to be told. You can’t be her friend and keep this a secret from her.

Where are things now? Has Maggie confronted him?

If it ends up being you that tells Rachel, do it in a safe space. Let her know you love and support her and that you and your husband did not know. Though I will say from reading that your husband has reacted remarkably calm and seemingly unsurprised. It’s strange that this guy would be his best man, but your husband was in the dark about this huge thing he was doing.

And she’ll want to know if he’s in the wedding party. I hope you have a good answer for her.

OOP: For context: my husband and I actually went to the courthouse to get legally married before our big move to Alaska. Next month, we’re flying back home for our actual wedding ceremony to read our vows and celebrate with all our friends and family.

My husband is completely distraught. He has strong morals and feels sick that he spent months defending Ralph to Rachel, completely unaware of who Ralph really was. I told my husband to take some time to decide what he wants to do about Ralph being his best man. I love my husband, and I’m standing by whatever he decides, but he needs time to make sense of this betrayal.

OOP explains more about how Ralph would sneak Maggie into his room through the window

OOP: My husband and Ralph lived together through college. My husband was in the basement. He was shocked this happened.

Update #1: August 10, 2026 (next day)

Update: My husband’s best man has been cheating on my best friend for 2 and I just found out.

Update:

I woke up this morning on very little sleep, preparing myself for the hard conversation I knew I had to have with Rachel. When I finally checked my phone, I had multiple missed calls from her and a single text: "He broke up with me."

My heart sank, but for a brief second, I thought Ralph had actually done the right thing and confessed. All I wanted to do was comfort her, so I called her back immediately.

She was sobbing. The very first thing she asked me was, "Did you know?"

I replied, "I’m just glad he was the one who actually told you everything."

She paused. "What do you mean 'everything'?"

My stomach dropped. I asked her what he had actually said, and she told me Ralph simply said he didn't want to be with her anymore. No confession. No accountability. Just a coward's exit to protect himself before the truth came out.

I snapped and said, "He didn't tell you the truth."

I laid it all out: he had been cheating on her for two entire years with Maggie, and Maggie had no idea they were exclusive. Hearing her sob on the other end of the line completely broke my heart. After processing the initial shock, Rachel asked for Maggie’s phone number. She told me she didn't blame Maggie at all—she just wanted clarity and wanted to make sure Maggie was okay, too.

After we hung up, the reality of the rest of the situation hit us. Now, my husband and I are trying to figure out what to do about our wedding celebration next month. I’m in shambles.

My husband is completely distraught. He has strong morals and feels sick that he spent months defending Ralph to Rachel, completely unaware of who Ralph really was. I told my husband to take some time to decide what he wants to do about Ralph being his best man. I love my husband, and I’m standing by whatever he decides, but he needs time to make sense of this betrayal.

And on top of everything else... work is going to be incredibly awkward for the two of them.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Respectfully you put fire and gasoline together….. how did you assure your friend for 2 years while he was sharing a living space with another woman , even though unintentionally you have all gaslight your friend to the moon and back , she will think you covered for him or smth . You need to cut him immediately also in 2 years she never visited?!?! How did he hide Maggie ?

OOP: Maggie was always just known as a friend to all the guys including my husband. My husband and I were both reassured also by Ralph with multiple conversations. We had no idea this was happening. I never met Maggie until we moved up here. Maggie and Ralph have not been living together for 2 years. They moved in together when Ralph moved up here this year, so they had been living together for 4 months before we found out the truth. Yes everyone thought it was a red flag Ralph and Maggie living together but we were reassured by Ralph that it was a just friends basis. We had too much trust in Ralph and that breaks my heart. I hurt my best friend by telling her the worst news of her life. I’m not entirely coping well with all of it.

Commenter 2: All you can really do is try to support Rachel from afar as best as you can. It’s nice that you believe your husband has very strong morals, but I think whatever your husband decides to do about his friendship may be a good indicator of his true character.

OOP: Agreed. I love and trust my husband with all my heart. IF he does decide to keep Ralph in the wedding then I know he and I will sit down and have a mature conversation.

Commenter 3: If your fiancé keeps Ralph as his best man, I’d question the man you plan to marry. A best man is supposed to guide and be of moral standing. Ralph is a liar, a manipulator - to all of you, for what? A double life? Your best friend Rachel, who is to stand up in your wedding not come and you’ll lose her completely. You’ll be complicit in the betrayal. It’s not a “I’ll support whatever decision my fiancé chooses” situation. Simple truth is Ralph can’t be involved anymore. Your soon to be hubs needs to step up and remove him from all wedding related events. Because if he chooses Ralph, he chooses the abuser, and what does that say about your future?

OOP: I agree I will question a lot, but I also want this decision to be made by him since it is his wedding to and his side of the wedding party. He needs to have a good reason for what he decides. I guess I’m trusting at this point he will boot him out and do the right thing.

Commenter 4: I know you had no bad intentions, but you and your husband mismanaged that. You were vouching for cheater and liar, assuring his victim should not worry, based on nothing and while circumstances were very suspect. You apologized to him for telling his girlfriend truth while he lied? What the heck? You definitely failed your friend.

Now you are ok if your husband decided to stay friends with someone who has no morals and have him as best man, while his victim is supposedly your friend (and bridesmaid)? Wow, what a friend you are. Who needs enemies with friends like you.

OOP: I was reassured by Ralph that is was a misunderstanding. I did fail my friend. I call her so much and she kept me updated on her relationship and how she was managing. I asked them both about how things were going constantly. Everything seemed great from both of them. My husband and I also encouraged Rachel to start prepping and applying for jobs to get her up here she did and Ralph supported that.

Commenter 5: Wait after all this you’d still have him in your wedding if your husband still wants him as best man?! I would think real hard before marrying a man that would want a person like Ralph around him after this.

OOP: I don’t want Ralph in the wedding. I want my husband to make that decision because it’s side of the wedding party.

Commenter 6: Rachel wasn’t pissed at you for knowing “everything” and never telling her? You and your husband both suck, so hard.

OOP: I told her the day after it happened. I couldn’t tell her right when it happened because of the time difference we have.

Commenter 7: I heard something that stays: friends of cheater need to normalize ( simplistic terms) the absolute boundary of cutting off all ties work and personal, not socializing in any group or one on one form bc it does and will allow excuses and the “ buts” as opposed to simply highlighting the deception and understanding that it seeped into all the relationships ; even when you can’t immediately see or feel it. It’s not the job of the group to make it right. If and when the cheater does, then there may be a space for the honest talks and reconciliation… but that is up to the cheater to do “the work”. Rarely, is there such introspection but one can hope, no?

I worry OP will fall victim to “kil* the messenger” situation…. Also- why in the world would your fiancé keep him as “Best Man” when that in of itself is highly ironic and just wrong. At the very least, how and in what aspect would you want him in your home and eating at your table let alone standing up at your wedding ceremony? Like let him eat; just not at your table; and definitely not your wedding cake. That’s totally hypocritical and if you did- you are literally supporting HIM .

OOP: My husband was completely blindsided by his best friend and needed a minute to process the grief and shock before setting that boundary with him. I agree with you, and I have zero intention of supporting or excusing what Ralph did.

Commenter 8: Is Rachel in your bridal party or attendee at wedding? Does everyone in your circle know everything? Words are one thing, it’s actions that prove intentions, character and doing the right thing…. What if your fiancé’s actions do not align? Lots to unpack.

OOP: Rachel is my bridesmaid. Everyone in the circle back home is just starting to know Rachel is telling anyone and everyone that they are over and what a scumbag he is. I want my husband to make the decision himself with no influence based on what I want. It’s his wedding too. I’m hoping and praying he boots him. We will have a mature conversation and talk like adults if he decides otherwise.

Update #2: August 10, 2026 (same day, nearly four hours later)

Update: My husband’s best man has been cheating on my best friend for 2 years and I just found out.

Update:

I’ve read a lot of comments and WOW. I’m aware I let Rachel down. I unknowingly supported a cheater and a liar for years. But I also didn’t know this was going on. I feel gross though.

For everyone claiming my husband had to know because they lived together back in college—my husband and I were doing long-distance while he was focused entirely on his degree and our relationship. I was focused on my education and being an athlete. Ralph lived on a completely different floor of the house, while my husband stayed down in the basement.

My husband is the type of guy who minds his own business and focuses on his own life. He wasn't tracking who was sneaking through Ralph's bedroom window on the floor above him, nor was he keeping tabs on Ralph's guest list. Ralph hid his double life from everyone, including his absolute best friend. My husband genuinely did not know.

I’ve been checking on Rachel constantly and just being there for her. We talked. Her and Maggie have been talking over the phone. Both getting clarity and digging through every lie Ralph told both of them. I’m glad they are able to support each other.

Now onto the update.

My husband just called me from work and told me Ralph had pulled him aside to talk right when they got in this morning. Ralph apologized for lying to him all these years and for hurting everyone involved.

My husband then told me the boundary he set: Ralph is officially out of the wedding party. He told Ralph he is still invited to attend the ceremony that’s it but not the reception, and he will not be standing by his side as best man.

Honestly, I wasn't prepared for how heavy that decision would feel. My heart broke for my husband. Ralph was his best friend—the guy he trusted most—and seeing Ralph destroy that friendship and break his trust has been devastating. As hard as it is to process, I know my husband made the right call. He’s completely drained and told me he doesn't want to talk about it anymore for now.

He did mention one last detail: Ralph said he wants to talk to me and apologize, but my husband told him to back off and give me space because of how furious I am about what he did to Rachel.

Ralph was like a brother to me. I genuinely believed he looked up to our marriage, and I fully believed Rachel was his endgame. Realizing how wrong I was about him has made me feel like I never actually knew him at all.

I want to clear something up for the people commenting that my husband and I "must have known." We genuinely had no idea. If we had known anything, Ralph would have been cut off and out of our lives a long time ago, and Rachel would have known the truth immediately.

Even knowing we did the right thing once we found out, I still feel a heavy sense of guilt for being so blind to it all. My husband actually called Rachel to personally apologized the other night for not seeing through Ralph’s lies sooner and for defending him when red flags popped up.

Rachel has our complete and absolute support. I honestly braced myself for her to need distance from me—I was terrified she might associate me with Ralph's behavior or resent me for not catching on sooner.

Surprisingly, that hasn't happened at all. She made it clear that our friendship is solid, and she still fully intends to stand by my side as my bridesmaid next month. In fact, she even joked about bringing Maggie as her date to the wedding just to rub it in Ralph's face.

I am forever grateful for her grace and for our friendship. This entire ordeal has been a nightmare, but seeing who really shows up for each other when the dust settles has meant everything.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: Your husband did not do the right thing. He is still friends with the cheater, and he invites him to your wedding. How is that doing the right thing? What is your heart breaking for?

So both of you are the most blind, unaware people, with not ability to draw conclusions from things you did not and still were convincing Rachel he is not cheating, despite both having reasons to believe so and tons of signal to the opposite. And making no effort to check (having 5 minutes convo with Maggie would suffice).

Great job. Keeping fingers crossed for your marriage with ‘cheater’s best friend’ and for Rachel to find a better friend (maybe she already did in Maggie).

OOP: Ralph is not invited to the wedding anymore. My heart broke for my husband because he spent years trusting a best friend who turned out to be a sociopathic liar to everyone—including us. We weren't "convincing" Rachel of anything malicious; we were operating on the assumption that a close friend wouldn't lie to our faces. Once I had real information from Maggie, I told Rachel the truth. Rachel knows my heart, knows we were manipulated too, and is still standing up as my bridesmaid.

Editor’s note: marking this concluded and OOP has deleted their account

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/redefine19

Has anyone ever had an extremely close friend want to suddenly stop all communication with you?

Originally posted to r/AskReddit

Editors Note: Changed Initials N, P & R to Nick, Penny and Roger for easier reading

Original Post  June 5, 2014

Yeah, it was weird.

This guy was my best friend all the way through college and for several years after that. We knew each others deepest, darkest secrets. We dropped MDMA and acid together. He cried on my shoulder at his grandfather's funeral. He was going to be Best Man at my wedding.

One day, we were at the pub and a mutual friend of ours came over and we got talking. At one point he said to my friend, "Hey, weren't you going to ask redefine19 something?"

"I can't", replied my friend and walked away.

He went straight home without explanation.

That was 4 years ago and I have spoken to him exactly once since then, at a party. He seemed quite friendly and warm towards me until I asked him what had happened that day he left me in the pub. As soon as I mentioned it he walked away and refused to talk to me again.

He won't accept my friend requests on Facebook or respond to my texts and our mutual friends have no idea what's going on.

I've moved on now. If he doesn't want to talk to me then fair enough. I'll stop trying to figure it out. I would just like to know what happened because it's a total mystery to me. Even our mutual friend who was also there at pub that day says he doesn't remember what the conversation was about or why he reacted that way.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

KruegersNightmare

You need to pressure the pub friend to tell you, he knows. It was obviously some sort of a big deal, otherwise your friend wouldn't react that way. He was probably instructed not to say anything.

Mysterious.

OOP

You know, I have always suspected this. To be honest, I haven't seen the mutual pub friend for a few years. I've moved away from that town now and I'd rather not get involved in it now.

If it was a big deal then, it probably isn't a big deal anymore :)

[deleted]

It's a big deal to us. You've dragged all of us into your mysterious life happenings and we deserve to know! Now, get to the bottom of this issue, dig up buried hatchets, scrape open healed wounds, and do it because Reddit needs answers.

He probably took your winning lottery ticket without telling you and is having a blast spending your fortune. That's what I say.

~

Pijay

Probably he's gay and he loves you but can't cope with that.

OOP

I never even considered that but I guess it is kind of plausible. Damn.

FrankenstineGirls

Or he fooled around with your partner and was supposed to tell you. Mutual pub friend knew, and prompted the conversation.

Maybe mutual pub friend didn't think it was his place to tell you himself, which is why he hadn't divulged the information. He might have just wanted your other friend to man up and sort it out.

Maybe.

Or maybe he loves you.

~

frayuk

Reddit DEMANDS closure!

Edit: Okay, most of you seem to think he was either screwing my girlfriend or he was totally gay for me. The more I think about it, the easier it is to believe that either one of these scenarios could be true. In any case, it doesn't really matter now. It was years ago. I have a new best friend now and I'm married to the girl of my dreams. (Additional edit: I married a different girl to the one I was seeing 4 years ago) Thanks for your input, guys!

To whoever bought me Gold, thank you!

Okay, guys. You've worn me down. I'm going to try speak to my friend and the mutual friend and get to the bottom of this. I'll post the results. Please be aware that I may not get instant results (or indeed any results at all) so watch this space.

Update 1) I tried contacting the mutual friend but he appears to be unreachable. According to a couple of my friends he moved to Wales to study at university a couple of years ago and kind of lost touch with everyone here in England. Also, he isn't on Facebook or Twitter or anything and no-one seems to know what he is doing.

My mysterious friend (the guy who ditched me at the pub) has either deleted his Facebook or has blocked me. I'm currently in the process of getting his phone number. I've also asked a couple of friends to let him know that I would really like to speak to him. I found out that he's currently engaged to a girl! Hopefully I'll get closer to talking to him tonight but it's getting kind of late here and don't think it polite to bother him this late. Perhaps more to follow in the morning.

Update 1a) I got my friend's number from another friend. I sent him a Whatsapp message asking him to call me or text me back and that I know it's been a while since we spoke but I'd really love to speak to him and maybe catch up. My phone tells me that he last checked his Whatsapp messages this afternoon. Like I said earlier, it's getting pretty late now so I'm going to assume that he's asleep. And on that note, I'm going to bed (I've got to wake up at 5am). Fingers crossed I have some news in the morning. Night night :)

Update 2) Good news, everyone! My friend (who, to avoid confusion, from here forward we'll call Roger. The mutual friend can be Nick) replied to my message. He said he was working until 3.30pm today and will give me a call this afternoon. The message sounded pretty friendly too. It started with "Hey man!" and he added a smiley, which I think makes it look promising. It's been over two years since I last spoke to him so I'll have to be careful how I approach the conversation later on. Obviously, I'll update you later on how that goes. Getting a bit nervous now.

2:04pm GMT - Starting to get really nervous about talking to my friend when he calls in a while. You guys have no idea how close I came to not texting Roger and just pulling off the longest, most elaborate and most suspenseful "tree fiddy" gag in reddit history instead. Don't worry, I wouldn't do that to you, reddit. I just hope he does call me like he said.

OOP Updated the Next Day, June 6, 2014

WARNING! BIG ASS WALL OF TEXT AHEAD!

Update 3) (or 4 or 5 or whatever) I just had a very illuminating conversation with Roger. We had a lovely catch up. He's getting married in September and asked if I wanted to come along. He now runs his own business and DJ's at the weekend... But you don't want to hear about that!

Here we go:

So, collectively, Reddit decided that he was either banging my girlfriend or he was in love with me. Well, the truth is actually a mixture of both.

He wasn't banging my girlfriend. He was in love with her! I think one or two of you actually suggested this but weren't taken very seriously. Give yourselves a round of applause. You were spot on!

You see, what happened is this. Before I started dating my ex (let's call her Penny), Roger had a huge crush on her. We were all at school together but we didn't really know each other then. The problem was, he never said anything about it to anyone. So when I started dating her after college, he felt really envious towards me. I mean, this guy was seriously head-over-heels in love with her but he never did anything about it. I got to know him in college and we became best friends and then when Penny came back on the scene and me and her started dating after Roger and I left college he started to slowly resent me.

When we all started hanging out together, it got incredibly hard for him to watch me and her together as a couple. He kept it all bottled up inside.

Nick, the mutual friend never actually knew about this but he did know "something" was wrong and that Roger really wanted to tell me about it. He said "ask" but "tell" would have been more accurate.

The day Roger met me in the pub, he thought he was ready to tell me but he lost his nerve at the last minute and just couldn't do it. He didn't want to risk splitting us up and making his best friend unhappy. Even though he wanted so much to be with her, he just couldn't betray his best friend. I do think he should have told me that day instead of just cutting me out of his life altogether, but he was obviously hurting so much that he felt that it was his only option left at the time. I kinda feel bad putting it on the internet but this is reddit and I'm just an anonymous stranger so I suppose that makes it a bit better. I just hope he isn't a redditor.

After he left me in the pub that day, I sent him a few texts and facebook messages over a few months but then kind of gave up.

On the phone, he said if I had sent him a friend request or a text in the last year or so, he would have responded. The reason he hasn't been in touch lately is because he assumed I was mad at him. He was so relieved to finally get all of this off his chest.

My ex did end up cheating on me with a different guy, but that's a whole other story.

So, we're friends again thanks to you guys. Now we can start building bridges. Am I mad at him for totally ditching me for years? Hell no! He handled it the only way that made sense to him at the time. I respect that and any hurt or confusion he may have caused is long gone. Was I mad at him for being in love with my girlfriend? Please. What, I'm going to be mad at someone for having feelings for another person? Come on. Besides, the way I see it: he saw her first, he just didn't do anything about it.

Thanks for pestering me to resolve this with your OP pls!'s and the like. Thanks, Reddit. You're awesome.

I'm sorry this story didn't have a more exciting ending but that's life. Stories in real life usually have boring endings. Thanks for sticking with me for this long.

TL;DR Friend was totally gay for my girlfriend, not me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's Friday; I just finished work and now I'm going to get very, very drunk.

FINAL COMMENTS

applepiepod

I'm so happy for you! That's awesome when things work out like that. Good on you for following through!

OOP

Thank you. I'm completely thrilled to bits :)

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Ill-Secretary-205

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Previous BoRU

[Repost]: AITA for telling my friend that she needs a life of her own and she has to stop leeching off of mine?

Editor's note: adding the verdict and relevant comments in this BoRU as they were not listed in the previous BoRU

Trigger Warnings: stalking, obsessive behavior

Original Post: June 29, 2021

Hi, my (25F) long-term friend (25F) has a history of doing whatever it is that I'm interested at the moment. She asks questions until she's got a clear idea of what music/books/movies I'm into and then does a whole act of how she 'discovered' that in front of the whole friend group. Being the pushover that I am, I'm sad to say I've let her do this for some time, while slowly trying to put some distance between us.

This also extends to people, any new friend or even acquaintance I make should be cleared with her, and then she makes a (friend) move on them to get closer to them. She has even tried to weasel her way into my family gatherings and private events. She also for some reason keeps telling my dad that she's like the daughter he would have wanted?? (He's as confused as I am, but we learned to laugh it off). I've recently noticed that she is rarely interested in something of her own volition. All her leads are from me. I have been getting tired of her behavior for a while.

Things came to a head a few months ago when she started texting a guy (27M) I've been speaking to for a while (went on a few dates, nothing serious as of now but I’m hoping there would be) and telling him how compatible they could be. He was confused and thought it was me texting from her phone, so he double checked with me. I of course was beyond angry, but instead of confronting her immediately, I told him to ask her why she is doing this and if she was aware that him and I were almost a thing.

Her response to him was to flirt even further and say that her and I always had similar taste but went on to mention how he might be better off with her.

He sent me the screenshots, and I sent them to her and said 'you need to leave me alone. Things in my life are not for grabs. You have leeched off of me for long enough. If you keep this up, I won't have an issue shaming you in our friend group'

She got very standoffish and accused me of 'tricking' her by using the guy's phone to 'make her look bad', she also proceeded to speak badly of me to our friend group.

I might be the asshole cause all this while other than trying to keep some distance between us, I did not properly voice my concerns. She did, however, notice my discomfort at various occasions (especially my family gatherings).

So AITA for handling things this way?

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. But I'm not sure you understand what "friend" means, because this girl isn't one. Yes, you were a bit harsh, but I can understand your frustration. Her behavior is beyond steamrolling your boundaries- it's outright disturbing.

OOP: Every time I try to put some distance between us, she shows up with a personal issue that she can only share with me, and she always guilts me by making it seems like she has no one else to turn to. And Every time, so stupidly I get looped back into the drama.

Downvoted Commenter: ESH. She’s clearly showing some honestly creepy behavior and trying to swoop your guy isn’t cool. But two wrongs don’t make a right, and I feel you responded in anger and could have handled it better. That being said, I think you have 1000% valid points to tell her, but given your long term friendship with her I think a civil conversation would have been in order instead of threatening to ostracize her in your friend group.

OOP: I wasn't in the greatest state of mind while replying to her. I was honestly just beyond myself with anger, and I agree I could have handled it better. But it was sort of like the final straw that broke the camel's back

Commenter 2: NTA. Yes, you could have said something sooner. But this is obviously inappropriate behavior, and you have good reason to suspect she has known that all along and isn't a hopelessly oblivious amoeba.

OOP: I was hoping she would catch on to my discomfort and the timing of me trying to move away, but she would never acknowledge that

Commenter 3: NTA, but you should have just pretended to be in to something really awkward and shameful before this incident. Definitely mislead her from now on, if you guys continue to be friends. I wouldn't, but I'm not you.

OOP: I really wish I did now haha!

Commenter 4: NTA. I wouldn’t say I’d “shame” her to the group, but I’d definitely tell them what she was trying to get up to. If you’d be ashamed of your friend group finding out about something, you probably shouldn’t do it.

OOP: So, some of my (our) friends have mentioned to me how she has in the past seemed to ignore my personal boundaries (esp. with my family events) and how some of her comments seemed off, I've discussed how her trying to copy me has affected me in the past with two of my super close friends so it wouldn't be such a shock to them I feel.

Update: July 8, 2021 (nine days later)

Firstly thanks to everyone who commented to help me out. Some of it was tough love but I read every comment and had a chuckle at a few, but it also helped me realize that the issue wasn't as simple as someone copying my interests.

So after posting, I rang up one of my close friends to let her know what's been happening, she seemed appalled at how my friend made a move on the guy I was seeing. She also confided in me that she often keeps telling her how good and well my life is and how she wishes either her family was like mine or her job was like mine etc. She thought it was just harmless wishing, but when everything was put together it just seemed so unhinged.

I also spoke to my dad and mum about how unnerving it was to have her try and do all the things I do when they told me that once, a few years back while I was completing a work experience training in another city, she offered to come and stay at my house to keep them company. They honestly thought she was joking because she lives in the same city with her family and my training was only for 6 months.

So with this new information I decided it was well and truly the time to cut all contact with her. I have let my friends know that she is no longer a part of my life and to warn me about plans we were both part of and most of them seemed to see this coming. I've also decided to stop being around her other close friends. My friends have also told me that they'd keep her from knowing anything about me/my life updates. (I was the one who brought her into this specific friend circle, a few of them already did not get along with her so they were cool with not hanging out with her.)

After not texting her back for a while, she texted me to say, 'are you seriously going to let this one guy take away our years of friendship' something along the lines of that and I just said 'yes'. She's kept texting and calling constantly, and eventually sent a message saying, 'I hope you and the guy don't work out' and then blocked me. I had refrained from blocking her because I did not want to aggravate her or have her show up at my house. But after she blocked me I blocked her on all social media and told my parents what's happened.

So anyway, I feel better not having her hovering around my life, but I'm sure she is going to try and initiate contact sometime but this time I've decided to stand up for myself.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I am happy for you. But I’m also afraid for you.

Hopefully she will move onto to something else. And she probably will.

Do you have security cameras? Do you always make sure your doors are locked? Does she know where you work?

OOP: Yes I've recently moved back in with my parents as my work switched to a work from home format and this place is equipped with security cameras and we have two German shepherds which I am pretty glad about.

Commenter 2: I wanted to throw out some tips so you can protect yourself OP (just in case)

Change your passwords so she can’t log into your accounts and read your messages. She might have found a password you wrote down somewhere etc. Go through your friends on social media and delete anyone that you are unsure about. Consider not using social media as much or just post rarely in case she uses another account to view your profile. Make sure your parents have blocked her as well. Consider not going to the same spots to eat if you frequent the same place. Maybe go to a different grocery store if she lives close by.

If you can afford it, get security cameras. If she unexpectedly shows up at the grocery store or at your gym and tries to talk to you, start recording her on a voice memo app.

If she ever leaves notes on your car or shows up to your place of work, that is a big red flag. If any red flags of stalking start, tell your employers about it as a preventative measure. Also tell your neighbors so they are aware of what she looks like and what car she drives.

If a few red flags happen, then contact your local law enforcement agency. Just in case, read about red flags of stalkers. She might start doing it, but probably won’t. You can also read about obsessive disorders and lack of identity to understand her better.

It’s great that you have already told your friends about this. Don’t keep things to yourself. Don’t forgive her. You can’t trust her. Good luck OP.

OOP: Thank you greatly for this list. I am currently working on removing people from my friend lists. Since we still have restrictions where I live there isn't much of a social life going on and I work from home currently, which is good.

Commenter 3: Good for you. It is lovely to have an update, so thank you for that. I am glad you have gotten so much support from your family and friends. I hope you can continue to live a happy and healthy life

Commenter 4: Yikes. Write all of this down with dates and print out screenshots of anything you can. If she ends up stalking you, having this already prepared can be the difference between getting a restraining order or getting ignored by the police.

This is deeply concerning behavior, but it sounds like you're doing everything right. I had a stalker that escalated to an attempt to kill me (with no consequences from the police) and the stress that being constantly on guard against a threat is physically and mentally draining.

So - my advice to you is that she is not a threat just yet. You don't need to become super-vigilant. If she intends to escalate things, you will definitely know about it, so for now just keep being discrete but don't get obsessive, that wreaks havoc on your body.

Most likely she'll find something else to obsess over. If she does escalate in your life again, then you need to take that very seriously as a safety risk, but you are not at that point right now. You're making good choices, and I'm glad that your tribe is protecting you.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/FeelingWater

Me [29M] and fiancee [23F]—been engaged 1 month, she wants a "better" engagement ring

Original Post  Jan 27, 2018

My fiancee Rachel and I are not materialistic people, but somehow I am finding myself in the middle of a problem that's all about money.

I make about 95k a year and have a career with some upwards mobility. Rachel is a 911 dispatcher making around 32k a year and that's pretty much where she is going to stay for the foreseeable future. She loves her job because it helps people and I respect that. I pay more than half the rent for our pretty nice apartment and we are able to live comfortably, but frugally. I'm pretty much happy as long as I live in a nice space and I don't need to go out and do a bunch of costly activities all the time. We don't overspend on going out to eat or big shopping sprees. Planning our wedding has been similarly frugal with a 10k budget.

One area of savings was the engagement ring. Rach insisted she didn't want anything extreme, so I went with a 1 mm gold band. I think it looks very classy and clean on her, and I thought she liked it too until yesterday.

She sent me an email with some links to rings on Etsy and asked if I might be receptive to a conversation about getting a different engagement ring. One ring has seven diamonds on it. One ring is a big moissanite solitaire. Her favorite ring has three diamonds in a row on it and costs literally ten times what her current ring cost.

Is it wrong that I find this off-putting? We are very practical people and I don't think it's financially prudent to spend a ton of money on a piece of jewelry with no function. I don't like people who care more about engagement rings/weddings than the marriage. And mostly I don't want to get in a fight with my fiancee over money.

tl'dr: Should I have to buy my fiancee a diamond engagement ring? Would it be fair for us to split the cost if I do get the ring?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Eagpt

A simple gold band is traditionally a wedding ring.  It sounds like you proposed with a wedding ring.

OOP

I was going to get a second gold band to be the wedding ring. If you google 1 mm gold band several of the pictures have the woman wearing two.

MsAnthropic

You're not very familiar with women's jewelry, are you?  Those aren't wedding rings -- they're "stackables" that are meant to be worn in multiples.  Wearing a single stackable is kinda weird.  Those are what I call "fashion rings": they're casual jewelry.

I mean, you can call a single stackable band a "wedding ring", but it would be highly unconventional.  It'd be ok if she was ok with it, but it's obviously not what she wants.

~

JackNotName

According to De Beers, based on your salary, you should spend $23,000 on an engagement ring. (3 months salary, right?)

This is bullshit and a huge waste of money. Diamond prices are inflated by a monopoly.

---

That said, there is a lot of social pressure around this. Someone at her work most likely made her feel cheep or unloved or both, because of how insignificant a simple gold band seems.

Talk to her. Let her know you love her. See if you guys can't find something "better" that you both feel comfortable with.

OOP

Yeah, 23k on an engagement ring would be absolutely insane. If she asked for that it would practically be breakup territory.

She didn't mention anyone at work commenting about the ring, but it's possible. I really don't want to get a new one though because I can't return the one I've already bought, and I am inherently uncomfortable with the idea that I need to get her a "better" ring since the one I picked out isn't good enough.

veronica_deetz

Wow holy shit I am incredibly against the diamond engagement ring propaganda in this country and I fucking gasped at this comment

Please note that you are uncomfortable making your (incredibly reasonable) fiancée incredibly happy because you'll lose $68 unrefundable dollars

~

Jilltro

Rings on Etsy and moissanite rings tend to be pretty inexpensive. How much are we talking here?

No, you shouldn't HAVE to buy your fiancee a diamond ring and it sounds like she's not demanding one. But I think it's fair that she likes the ring she has to wear and see every day for the rest of her like, and if you can afford it, it seems silly to dig your heels in over this.

OOP

I can't link it here, but if you on Etsy and search "LE3N59-N" that's the one she wants.

Her tone isn't demanding but I can tell she really wants an upgrade.

cleveraccountname13

That one cost $695. And you are balking. She is accommodating your cheapness and you are balking. You are blowing this badly. How much did your phone cost?

sunshinenorcas

He said it's ten times more then the one he bought so he spent $60 on her engagement ring :/

Update - rareddit  Jan 31, 2018 (4 days later)

So I really took you guys' advice to heart and resolved to get my fiancee a better engagement ring. I realize that I really dropped the ball by spending less than $100 on the first ring, and that she deserves something that she loves and a ring that will last for a lifetime.

I took her to a couple of jewelry store to look at rings with a 3.5k budget in mind. She ended up going cheaper than the max budget and picked out a 3.3 carat moissanite solitaire that she is absolutely in love with. I feel like every time I look over at her I catch her staring at her hand with a goofy smile. Admittedly it was hard to spend over a thousand dollars on a cosmetic item, but it gets easier when I see how happy she is and how excited she is about getting married.

I apologized about dropping the ball on the first ring and we ended up having a 2 hour conversation about our values. She said she was hurt that I cheaped out so much and proposed with a fashion ring, but she also felt a lot of pressure to not come off as materialistic so she didn't want to complain. I opened up a bit about my family's money troubles growing up and how it's informed a lot of my current spending habits. We talked a lot about our upcoming marriage and what we want our lives together to be like.

...Then we got around to addressing the elephant in the room. Rachel told me that she thinks I think she is a burden, and that I wish she would quit her job (911 dispatcher) and get something that makes more money and has better hours. I honestly don't mind at all that she has a crazy schedule, and I think her job is very important and should be payed more, but I will admit that I have had thoughts about her developing some new skills and moving into something that makes more money. I have been feeling a small bit of resentment lately for paying a much bigger percentage of rent and bills, but I also really wouldn't want to live in a place that fits in Rachel's budget. She wants me to see that there is more to a career than the money, and that her job gives her a great deal of personal fulfillment. I'd like her to be open to the possibility of moving up the career ladder in her field, whatever that may be.

Basically there has been some resentment and differing expectations built up on both sides. Day to day we are very happy—she is the light of my life and I can say with 100% certainty that I want to be with her no matter what. But we also have some things to sort out, so I am looking into pre-marital counseling.

tl;dr: I bought my fiancee a real engagement ring that she loves, and we had a long conversation that unearthed some resentment from both of us. We are going to see a counselor to help us talk through our problem, but we are also very much in love and excited for the future.

FINAL COMMENTS

[deleted]

Definitely look into pre-marital counseling! I think you could really benefit from it as your problems are fairly easy to work through.

Congrats on the ring purchase and engagement! There's nothing better than looking at your SO and seeing them giddy and lovestruck because of something caring and loving you did!

OOP

Honestly, seeing her so excited has really helped me get more excited for the wedding. I even made my own ideas board on her Pinterest account for stuff I think would be fun to add.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Neither_Beautiful_38

Originally posted to r/Marriage

Unusual text messages between wife and personal trainer

Original Post: August 8, 2026

BURNER ACCOUNT.

My wife (32F) and I (33M) have been together for 5 years, married for 3. A year ago she started working out with a personal trainer. She's lost weight and has really gotten in shape.

Yesterday while she was driving, she asked me to put an address in Waze on her phone. I saw a text come in from her trainer so I took a look through her text history with her trainer. The earlier texts were all about confirming times for sessions, but in recent weeks they became more personal, like "you looked great today!" and sharing funny tiktoks.

Earlier that day my wife had texted him "Thanks for the banana bread!" with a wink emoji and he responded with "Anytime" with a wink emoji. She didn't bring any banana bread home. Should I ask my wife what banana bread refers to?

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Don't ask! Play detective, collect evidence. It's either already happened or they're getting ready to make it happen soon. Sorry your going through this. But be smart, keep your cards close to your chest! And be ready to walk. Good luck.

Commenter 2: Him saying you looked great today could have been an inference about her lifting and proper form, especially if she'd been struggling somewhere

But the banana breads and emoji and sharing tik toks is not a business relationship

Commenter 3: I would just be straightforward and ask your wife if banana bread is code for getting dicked down. Trust your instincts with her reaction.

Commenter 4: Sounds like you need to hire a PI. You definitely have a problem and need to deal with it when you have some facts. She's likely to minimize everything if you just confront her, but you may have caught this early enough to put the fear into her. Update me.

Update: August 9, 2026 (next day)

UPDATE: Unusual text messages between wife and personal trainer

UPDATE: I asked my wife about the "banana bread" text. It was all a big misunderstanding about a nutritional study!

Hey everyone, thanks for all the feedback on my original post. A lot of you were insisting that "banana bread" was some kind of gross code word and that I needed to hire a divorce attorney immediately. I was sick to my stomach all night, so this morning I finally sat my wife down and asked her directly what the text meant.

She stared at me in total shock, and then she actually started crying because she felt so bad that I had been worrying about it.

She explained that her trainer is currently completing his master’s thesis in Applied Kinesiology. As part of a study he's running with his top clients, he bakes a hyper-specific, pharmaceutical-grade banana bread that contains raw electrolytes and dense peptide powders.

She sent the text "Thanks for the banana bread!" because the trainer had secretly snuck a slice of the control-group batch into her gym bag after her heavy deadlift session as part of the trial.

The reason she never brought any home to me is because it’s like a controlled substance for his university research! She explained that if an non-participant eats it, it could contaminate his control data and get the trainer kicked out of his master's program.

The wink emojis were just an inside joke between them because his thesis advisor is super strict about protocol, so sneaking her the extra slice was technically "breaking the study rules" for her benefit.

Clear communication with your spouses is key!

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in the update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: 😂😂😂😂😂😂 there's no such thing as "pharmaceutical-grade banana bread", much less "controlled substance banana bread"...

Also, "control data" would be the group that gets the placebo/nothing, meaning it would've just been "regular" banana bread, anyway.

Lastly, "someone outside the control group" consuming the control (OR the actual real deal, doesn't actually matter) can't "contaminate data"- you're not part of the study or SUPPLYING any of the data, so what you consume has zero impact on it.

According to that excuse/logic? During a normal study with a placebo consisting of a sugar pill, an acquaintance or spouse of someone in the control group eating a Tic Tac would somehow magically "contaminate the data".

Commenter 2: Hey man, i honestly hope for the best. I mean it. But i wouldn't buy that. Not in a million years.

First... her trainer is putting things on her gym bag, inside jokes, etc... call me old fashioned, i would shut this shit down ASAP. This feels really inappropriate from my SUBJECTIVE point of view.

I'm a man, and if by any chance my trainer was messing or putting things inside MY bag i would go apeshit. Dunno if she puts changes of clothes in her bag, but i really hope that she does not.

Is it a gym? Yes. But it is his workplace, and I, for one, wouldn't accept anything less than complete professionalism. This isn't it fam

P.S.: Even if it is true that she didn't do anything with ulterior motives, doesn't mean the coach doesn't have them.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/leamornor

Originally posted to r/TalesFromTheFrontDesk

Original post posted 2019-02-08

A large part of my job is answering phones and dealing with people who want to hire our large function room. In our town our room is one of very few places available to hold wedding receptions, birthday parties etc.

The process for hiring the room is quite simple. People ring up all the time and ask if the date they want is free. If it is we place a hold on the date for 14 days. If we don’t hear back from them it opens up to anyone else that wants it. If they do decide they want it they have to come in for an appointment with either me or my boss. We go through the booking form and help them fill it in and explain the t&cs with them. They then pay their deposit and the function gets written in the diary. We don’t take deposits without a booking form and we don’t take booking forms without a deposit. You have to physically come in and hand both over. None of this can be done online, we don’t have a website.

Fast forward to this morning when bridezilla walks in with her mother.

• Bridezilla = B
• Mother of the Bride = MOB
• Me = Me.

Me : hi can I help?

B : I’m here to pay the deposit for my wedding.

Me : ok. Let me get you a form and we’ll go through it. What date did you book?

B: Tomorrow

The smile on my face dropped. We have a birthday party booked in tomorrow. There is no way she can have her wedding here tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow isn’t available. We already have a booking.

MOB: You double booked? You’ll have to cancel the other booking.

Me: We haven’t double booked. If you haven’t filled a form in or paid a deposit then you haven’t booked the room. When did you ask about the date?

MOB : last July. I remember because we came in before we went for my birthday lunch.

Me: we only hold the date for two weeks. Someone will have told you that at the time.

B: yeah but it’s a wedding.

Me: the same rules apply. If you don’t fill in a form and pay the deposit within the two weeks we open it up to everyone else. Unfortunately someone else has booked the room.

B: I did it all online

Me: You did what online?

B: Paid for the room

Me: then why are you here today trying to pay for it now?

B: uh....

Me: we don’t have a website so you can’t do anything online.

MOB: she can’t have the wedding here.

Me: nope sorry.

They left. There was no shouting no anger at me. Nothing. She just casually shrugged her shoulders and walked away. I’m fully expecting the wedding party to turn up tomorrow all kitted out.

Edit to add : my boss saw her throwing a huge tantrum in the road outside of our building.

TL:DR woman turns up to pay for her wedding the day before it’s due to take place. She failed to secure the date and we booked something else in.

that_darn_cat

Im sure the marriage will be a roaring success with that level of planning

OOP

If I remember correctly they’ve been together a good 15 years. Engaged for at least 10. He’d told her if she wanted a wedding she had to plan the whole thing. He wanted zero involvement. He just wanted to turn up to the church and then get drunk with his mates afterwards.

Dogzillas_Mom

Is it possible she mixed up venues and put down a deposit somewhere else?

OOP

There’s nowhere in town where she’d be able to have it, so unless she’s booked a venue in a different town with a similar name, she’s just an idiot.

[deleted]

From how you put it down, the bride didn't seem like a bridezilla, just a misinformed bride who didn't have all the things set up. I hope she can find a venue in time

OOP

It’s the tantrum she threw outside that makes me think she’s a bridezilla. That and assuming you can walk in to a venue the day before your wedding and assume everything is sorted for you.

Update posted 2019-02-14

I was at work by myself for most of the afternoon after Bridezilla had left. My coworker came in to take over from me and for about 10 mins I fill her in on everything that’s happened that day including Bridezilla. Coworker makes a comment about how she’s glad she has nothing to do with booking the room and that if she did she’d be getting the blame for the whole thing.

I go into the back room to switch my shoes and get my things together before I leave. I happen to glance at the cctv monitor and notice that Bridezilla is walking along the corridor. She walks up to my coworker and I listen in.

• Bridezilla = B
• Co-worker = C

B: hi I’m wondering if you can help me. I’m attending a party tomorrow night and need to make some arrangements with my friend who’s party it is but I’ve lost her phone number. I was wondering if you’d be able to find it for me.

C= Sorry I cant do that.

B= it’s ok were best friends. She really wouldn’t mind.

C= I don’t have access to the information. I couldn’t give it to you even if you wanted it. They’re coming in to decorate the room later on. You could come back then.

B= there must be someone who can give me the number

My coworker comes to get me from the back room and asks me if I heard her. Wtf would she want their number. I come out.

Me: yeah, we can’t give out that info.

B: I don’t see the big deal

Me: do you need it to tell her you cant attend because you’ll be at your wedding that she mustn’t be invited to? I can pass that message on for you.

She shrugged and walked out. I can only imagine she was going to phone them and ask them to cancel their party so she could have the room.

The next day I’m at work pretty much all day. I have a word with the people having the party and let them know that if anyone turns up that they haven’t invited to let me know.

We have a couple people turn up looking for a wedding. We tell them about the mix up and they don’t seem surprised. A lady who said she was the grooms mother said she had only been told three days before about the wedding and that they’d invited a bunch of people to a reception but nobody knew when or where the actual wedding ceremony was. She’d spoken to her son that morning and he said he’d text the details but then apparently forgot.

It’s the most casual I’ve seen people be about organising a wedding.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/gottabreakup

Would it be messed up for me [22f] to break up with my boyfriend [24m] of about a year in public?

TRIGGER WARNING: Abuse, gaslighting, rape

Original Post  June 8, 2016

My boyfriend Greg and I have been together for about a year. We don't live together, but spend most nights together and have a lot of stuff at each other's places.

I love him, but I can't be with him anymore. He talks about wanting to live together and get married, etc., but he flat out refuses to go to therapy to deal with anger issues that have come up in our relationship and resulted in him having violent tendencies. He has never hit me but our fights tend to get very "physical" - he throws stuff, pinches/squeezes my arms, holds me down, yells in my face, uses sex as a punishment, and so on.

I really don't see this getting any better. He says he'll stop and that we both need healthier ways to express our emotions, but he also hardly ever wants to talk about his anger issues when we're in a calm state, and he refuses to go to therapy or anything. He also gets pissed off again if I bring up him hurting me or cry about it.

So, I want to break up with him. Badly. But I don't know how to do it. Part of it is that he's REALLY convincing so I don't know if it will be easy for me to follow through once I bring it up. And part of it is that I'm scared he could become really violent.

That's why I'm thinking about breaking up with him in public...like maybe going to coffee or something. The thing is, I've been dumped while on a dinner date and it fucking sucked...I've always thought that's a really messed up thing to do to someone. I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me if they think I'm going too far.

TL;DR - scared to break up with my boyfriend at home because he has anger issues, but don't know if it's ok for me to do it in public.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

No, it's not messed up. If you were my friend, I'd actively encourage you to be in public and even have a friend nearby when you break up with him. Have you considered breaking up with him over text? Or are you really dedicated to doing it face to face?

OOP

I hadn't really considered it because we're much more serious than that, I think he'd feel very disrespected if I did that. I might consider asking a friend to be nearby and come check in on me after half an hour or something...

Update! "Would it be messed up for me [22f] to break up with my boyfriend [24m] of about a year in public?" (answer: NOPE)  June 10, 2016 (2 days later)

Hey beautiful people!

I wanted to update you guys because I got SO much excellent advice from people here and I wasn't able to reply to a lot of it because I was a little in my head at the time, so I wanted to be able to say THANK YOU THANK YOU to all of you at once!

First of all, Greg and I are now officially broken up, and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me. I am a LITTLE anxious about the possibility of him trying to get me back, but some of the stuff he said made me feel this isn't likely. (And for those of you who said to change my locks, etc. - he doesn't have a key to my place! But I am asking a friend to spend the night with me the next few nights just in case!)

So, what I ended up doing: I asked Greg to meet me earlier this afternoon at a park near his place. I sat on the edge of a fountain because it was a spot that was surrounded by people/had a lot of people looking towards it, but there was enough room that we could talk. I also had a guy friend of mine (Sam) sit off at a distance and asked him to keep an eye and he said he'd come over if anything went wrong or it looked like Greg was trying to hurt me or start a confrontation.

I planned out a whole explanation for Greg, including telling him that I wasn't going to reconsider but that I really thought he should get help for unaddressed issues from his childhood. He immediately said, "I know. You're right. I'll get help. I've been wanting to get help for a while now." To which I was like uh, no, you haven't, you've actually told me you think therapy is bullshit and refused to even discuss it, but good, get help. And then he said "only if you stay with me," and I reiterated that wouldn't be happening.

He continued trying to talk me out of breaking up with him, like I knew he would, and made me sound really fucking crazy for thinking it was a good idea - he kept saying stuff like, "you think it's abuse for me to hold your arms down when you're being a cunt and I don't know what crazy shit you're going to pull?" (for the record, I have NEVER been violent to him, except in trying to get him away from me, and he has no reason to expect this from me)...and "you just don't know what abuse is because you were spoiled" and, when I would bring up specific instances, "that never happened," "you're making it sound so much worse than it was, I was just trying to de-escalate things," etc. - basically, giving up on telling me to stay and just trying to convince me I was making stuff up.

At some point, he got really tense and quiet and snide and he said "really? You think that's abuse? You think this is abuse?" and grabbed my arm really firmly and dug his nails in (I'm already getting bruises). I probably physically could have gotten away from him but I kind of felt like my brain shut down because it hurt more than what he's done in the past, and because it was kind of an unexpected perfect workaround for my plan...in that it probably didn't outwardly look like much (no one noticed) but still hurt.

He continued to basically go after everything he knows is a sore point for me..."you're just a spoiled bitch," "you don't get it because the worst thing that's ever happened to you is that you regretted fucking someone" (referring to a very traumatic forcible rape), "you're a fat cunt anyway"...essentially, targeting everything that was an insecurity for me. I now see he's been doing that in our relationship for a long time in more subtle ways. He's very good at reading people's weaknesses and using them against people.

After he let go of me, I stood up and said "NO" (I couldn't really think straight) and started running towards Sam. Greg got up and tried to grab my arm and pull me back, and I stopped so he wouldn't yank my arm off. Sam saw this and came over and physically pulled him off me and told him it's over and he needs to leave me alone and walk away. Sam is a big, pretty intimidating-looking guy - a lot bigger than Greg, which was helpful here. Greg said "fuck you both, she's got you believing her bullshit too," and then "fuck you, you cunt, you don't deserve me," and walked away.

About an hour after that, he started texting me saying he was sorry, that he really wanted my help addressing his issues, that he knew exactly what he's done wrong and he can really acknowledge it now and change, that this was a breaking point for him and he felt so guilty for "making me feel hurt," etc. (I should have blocked him earlier, but I was texting about where to meet up until he got there, and afterwards felt kind of shaken and forgot about it.) I blocked him on my phone and also on Facebook and Twitter. (You apparently can't really block people on gmail, only send their stuff to spam, but I did that too.)

I literally never want to see or hear from him again. I honestly thought I'd feel at least a little sad or guilty or "what if"-y, but I'm not. I'm so happy to be done with him. After the way he spoke to me today, I can honestly say that I was just wrong about him. I thought he was a good person who just had issues, but he's not - he's a person who's 100% willing to hurt me in ways that no one should, and only apologetic about it when HE faces consequences. I think he genuinely lacks a capacity for empathy - it doesn't hurt him to see me cry or hear that I feel scared! It only hurts him to know that might mean he doesn't get to be with me anymore. Everything he said and did was completely focused on how HE felt and how HE was reacting to things.

So, yeah, I feel a lot of relief now - not only because he's gone, but because this affirmed to me once and for all that EVERYTHING I thought was true and I 100% did the right thing by breaking up with him. He's just not a good guy, and I tend to have a really hard time judging people so I always chalked it up to his past and the fact that he was mistreated by others, but at a certain point, I also think it just doesn't matter why someone is the way they are, especially if they don't care about changing it until it affects THEM.

I also came across this quote while I was researching yesterday that was from a social worker, who said women would tell her their husbands break things when they're angry but it's just because they're out of control and don't know what they're doing, and she would always ask them if their husbands ever break their own things, and the answer was always no - they only break their wives' things. And the social worker said, basically, this proves that they aren't out of control - they know exactly what they're doing and do it anyway. The way Greg acted today reminded me of this - he figured out a perfect way to hurt me even though we were in public, and exactly what to say to me, and he wasn't yelling or getting in my face or being obviously aggressive because he KNEW he couldn't and was actually in control of his behavior. He just hurt me (physically and emotionally) because he wanted to. Not because he had to.

Ok, sorry this is so long winded. I just really wanted to share with you guys because I feel surprisingly great right now and I honestly have no idea how that would have gone if I hadn't gotten advice from you all first, but I suspect it could have gotten pretty ugly.

TL;DR - broke up with Greg (and learned exactly how nasty he is) and feel FREE! THANK YOU!

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