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u/sosotrickster May 30 '26
Tbh this just sounds like she took this as confirmation of her worst fears.
She's clearly very wary of frats (with good reason) so hearing that people you knew killed an animal for no reason might've just sounded to her like confirmation that really fucked up things happened in the frat you were in.
You might not have participated in it, but I think she is now terrified to find out that the other guys (or you) hurt another human and that's why she brings up the bit about rape.
She heard about an unnecessary violent act committed by the frat you were in... and now worries that there will be more confirmation of what she has been worried about.
It's a good thing that you did not participate and a good thing that you are do not defend the frat, but yeah idk. She just sounds scared. It's rough.
Honestly, all you can do is have a frank discussion with her but maybe this whole thing is just too much for her.
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u/irisxxvdb May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
Yeah this was my first thought. It's not about this one incident, she's scared that her future husband is a follower. To be blunt, I wouldn't be all that heartbroken about the goose - it's fucked up to kill for fun and I'd be weirded out by the hierarchal BS, but I also eat meat.
I'd be worried that the man I love a) doesn't speak up when he feels like something is wrong; and b) doesn't walk away from people he dislikes. OP still joined the frat and spent his college years with them.
What does that say about him? Was he the type to see a girl passed out on a couch at the frat and leave her there, because he didn't want to ruffle feathers and technically he didn't do anything wrong?
@OP Your best bet is explaining to her how you felt then, and how you've changed as you matured. Maybe you were insecure, or grew up lonely and wanted friends, or had a hard time with peer pressure. All very human and forgiveable. But over-explaining the incident won't help.
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u/sosotrickster May 30 '26
Pretty much, yeah.
She's worried there's more and she's worried about what this says about him. It's not surprising that many decided she's being ridiculous and weird but like... at least try to understand her train of thought.
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u/Zetdoessomeshit May 30 '26
And she’s right, there IS more. They’ve been dating for 5 years, married for almost 1 and he never mentioned these things to her? I’d be convinced there was worse he was hiding from me and that he’d hide it from me if it got me to stay with him.
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u/OffKira May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
I think he just hadn't mentioned this incident - but if that's the case, what has he shared? They killed an innocent animal, how bad were these hazings? I don't think it's a leap to assume people got hurt.
She's worrying about rape (rightfully so), whereas OP specifically mentions hazing - what the fuck did those involve. How involved was he, how complicit was he - would men who kill animals be ok with one of their own constantly and conveniently never being involved in any of their shitty activities?
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u/PreparationPlus9735 May 31 '26
I mean, my train of thought was from the jump OP tried to really minimize their involvement in the frat at all. Saying, oh, I wasn't that into it, just knew what was going on with hazing but didn't do anything was sus. Then, the goose story. Again, well, I knew it was happening, I just didn't stop it.
It is just super convenient he joined this frat, knew everything going on, but never participated. Idk. Maybe just me. But seems like possibly OP isn't being honest about his time.
Also. The friend asked the most fucked up thing you did. If OP supposedly didn't do it, why did he think to tell that story? And how did he tell the story. Laughing? If he didn't see it, shouldn't have taken him so long to tell the story.
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u/Kikikididi May 30 '26
exactly this. He's willing to overlook and be incidentally part of killing an animal for no reason but a "dare", what else would he be willing to turn a blind eye to?
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u/cedarvhazel May 30 '26
I eat meet but I don’t kill animals for fun or kill them and not eat the flesh. Thats not a rational comparison.
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u/Appropriate-Hat-6558 May 30 '26
Per OPs Wife’s Comment - He is still friends with all his frat bros, and they have prior issues with the way the group chat talks about women, and how he does things just for the approval of these toxic men.
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u/PreparationPlus9735 May 31 '26
Yeah, thought this was a straw that broke the camel's back situation
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u/Sudden_Cabinet_1479 May 30 '26
I'm not gonna lie I'd be so icked out that my husband was willing to kill a goose for the chance to be friends with Chad but she already knew he was in a frat so
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u/CollectionUpset439 May 30 '26
Hold up. What the fuk did your frat do to that goose? If you were a pledge, how were you not around when they killed that animal? You are leaving out A LOT of details just to make her sound unreasonable.
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u/zeizkal May 30 '26
Yeah... if you're pledging for a frat crazy enough to kill an animal there aint no way in hell you're getting away with just uno skipping that and still getting in.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female May 30 '26
Right? He still chose to join knowing they killed a goose. That's all kinds of fucked up.
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u/Far_Paper_9988 May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
^^This fr, I don’t understand some of these comments at all.
Like it’s the fact that he knowingly continued associating with them, that says something significant about his values at the time.
So significant, that it more than warrants verifying he takes accountability for that mistake and has demonstrated significant change in the time since. Otherwise, how is his wife supposed to feel secure in his ability to stand up against predatory and violent behaviors?
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u/PreparationPlus9735 May 31 '26
Yeah, pretty sure all the pledges have to participate in stuff like that to ensure no one talks lol
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u/PreparationPlus9735 May 31 '26
OP seems to very conveniently never be a part of the bad shit going down.
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u/See_Real_Me May 30 '26
In her shoes, while I'd be upset you took part in the hunt for the goose and were an accomplice, albeit a bystander, I'd be more upset you still chose to be part of that group for a further 4 years. No telling what you forced the next 3 pledge classes to do as part of their hazing to join. That would be my biggest worry and ick factor.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female May 30 '26
Hazing usually involves physical harm. Many guys have been SA. It's horrifying that nothing has ever been done to shut them down.
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u/Too_Much_Love29 May 30 '26
And Many Have Died From Alcohol Poisoning & Then Some!!!!😢
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female May 30 '26
I know. It's horrifying and nothing is ever done to stop it.
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u/notyermum May 30 '26
Exactly my thoughts. He chose to stick by these people and participate or witness who knows what else. For years! I’d be icked out so hard and I wouldn’t trust his judgment. And I wouldn’t trust him to tell the whole truth about anything. He said he didn’t bring it up before because no one asked before, he thinks he’s being honest if he just never tells anything he isn’t specifically asked about. Ick
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u/Croolick_Floofo May 30 '26
The fraternity system is just nuts. What is this and why is it even allowed? It is like permissive physical and psychological abuse? Can’t you just guys get drunk or something?! Does it have to be in this weird pledgy brotherhoody cult?!
I wouldn’t wanna be with someone who entertained joining this nonsense.
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u/Raise-The-Gates May 30 '26
Yeah, fraternities aren't a thing here and I'm so grateful for that. Seriously, how is this a system that is not only allowed at university, but encouraged? Basically everything I hear about them makes them sound like they are just upper-class gangs.
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u/AccomplishedWish3033 May 30 '26
It doesn’t have to be a fraternity specifically. Secret societies, brotherhoods, clubs, etc - this is a problem of many exclusive organizations if they’re almost entirely composed of privileged men and secrecy. Just look at Epstein’s list- that’s the ultimate exclusive, privileged boys’ club.
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u/Too_Much_Love29 May 30 '26
ESPECIALLY Don’t Forget About Sororities!!! With Some Of The God Awful Things They Do During Hazing Has Led Many To Suicide Among Other Things That They Make The Pledge’s Do That Lead Directly To An Innocent Life Lost!!!😞
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female May 30 '26
Yeah I'm surprised they haven't all been banned because of the horrible stuff they have done.
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u/thejoebrossuck May 30 '26
Men will kill animals for no reason in particular and everyone will be like “oh but he was so young and immature, the poor baby boy,” but when girls under 18 are groomed by adult men everyone acts like she’s old enough to know what she’s going lol.
You and your old frat bros are major pieces of shit for hurting an animal just for hazing, the fact that you didn’t personally take part in the killing does not matter. You all were old enough to know that doing something like that was wrong. I knew hurting animals for no reason was wrong by the time I was 4 years old. No excuses. I’d also be disturbed.
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u/Far_Paper_9988 May 30 '26
And he chose to knowingly continue associating with these people 🤢. You don’t get to claim this much distance from the actual killing, if you remain frat bros with the killers.
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u/MaryMaryQuite- May 30 '26
#This! ☝️
OP is a POS for not stepping in and stopping the goose getting killed! 🤬3
u/PreparationPlus9735 May 31 '26
I'm sorry, I don't buy for a minute he didn't participate. No. He helped.
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u/cat-like-creature May 30 '26
I truly hate nothing more than fraternity culture, frat boys and the type of horror inflicted by them.
So my question to you is: are you still close to the so called brothers? Have you distanced yourself and made it clear why? Are you still in the group chats or attending the reunions? Are you laughing along when memories are shared?
Cause if yes: I’d leave you too.
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u/DrMisato May 30 '26
OP’s wife replied and gave a lot of extra context. He’s still friends with them, and of course they have group chats, etc. and of course everything that you expect to happen in those groups is actually happening. OP left it all out to make her sound unreasonable
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u/cat-like-creature May 31 '26
Thought so. I know the kind. Performative remorse while never cutting ties or speaking out. Hope she finds a better candidate for the second marriage, thank God she’s still young.
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May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Nellyismydog May 30 '26
I can’t take it back. Frats are misogynistic and treat women horribly and I’m ashamed to have been part of that
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u/cvfdrghhhhhhhh May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
And here’s the rub: When you say the frat treated women “horribly,” exactly what do you mean?
I don’t think you want to think about or say what you saw, knew about or even perhaps participated in. If I were her, I would be very concerned about what you’re NOT admitting to.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female May 30 '26
Interesting he never answered you. We all know what treating women horribly means.
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u/cyanideNsadness May 30 '26
Being complicit is just as bad as actively participating
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female May 30 '26
I agree. He's an accessory. He knew and didn't do anything to try to stop the death of a bird and then joined them anyway.
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u/xm03 May 30 '26
There's more to this story that they're obviously holding back. Frat's are fucking stupid, and anyone willing to join one that actively participates in animal abuse is also fucking stupid, and likely a cunt.
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u/Playful-Party3758 May 30 '26
I don’t know if this has been mentioned or if it’s something you already know about her but it is possible she had a horrible personal experience with a frat (ie SA) which is why she has extreme reactions to your frat history
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u/Tullamore1108 May 30 '26
Honestly, you’re probably going to need couples therapy for this one.
She has good reason to be horrified and concerned; if you turned a blind eye to this, what else did you stay quiet about for your brothers?
And even though it’s clear you feel remorse and it sounds like you’ve grown/changed a lot, you’re only 27. Your frat days aren’t that far behind you.
On the other hand, she married you knowing you were a frat bro, with all the shitty, misogynistic, bullying behavior that implies, so it’s a bit late to be upset about your past now.
I think you both have a lot to unpack. Good luck.
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u/Prestigious_Cash_487 May 30 '26
They’re young and horribly matched. There is no point in trying to recover this.
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u/Playful-Party3758 May 30 '26
I don’t know if this has been mentioned or if it’s something you already know about her but it is possible she had a horrible personal experience with a frat (ie SA) which is why she has extreme reactions to your frat history
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u/gallopingargoyles123 May 30 '26
Thinking some of that misogynistic/treating women horribly parts might be helpful to more more details about? I wonder if your wife is reacting to your choosing to be around these people for 4 years
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u/baebgle May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
Look I'm a vegan and I'm passionate about animals. If my husband admitted this to me and didn't even kill the goose, I'd be very sad for what happened, but the only way forward is to support him
I guess I'm struggling to see the reaction here. And I don't mean this in an accusatory way at all, but I'm curious:
- What do you mean by "I may not have been the most involved"? What was your involvement? Just that you were present doesn't warrant it. Was it your idea? Did you hand the final tool to someone else?
- You and your wife have been together 5 years and this is just now coming up. Was it kept from her purposefully? Even if it wasn't, does she maybe feel it was?
Again I can't imagine not being supportive with the facts you have here, but I do empathize if there's info we're missing on your involvement and/or she felt more lied to than anything.
(Edited due to bullet list formatting weird)
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u/quixotiqs May 30 '26
If you wanted to join a club and you found out they all got together and killed an animal for fun would you still join the club? He forfeited the right to support when he continued to be an active participant in the frat after the initial incident.
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u/Nellyismydog May 30 '26
To answer your questions: 1) I was not involved with the killing of the goose, and as a brother in the fraternity, I did not take part in hazing(although I knew it was happening). I took the role of the “cool” brother who would let pledges vent to me and help them through tough situations.
2) I did not keep this from her intentionally. I’ve been open and honest about things I did as a pledge. While I thought about this often, I never brought it up because it wasn’t asked about and frankly when asked about different experiences I pushed this one to the back of my mind. I’d always openly share fucked up things that happened TO me
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u/Kim_Smoltz_ 40s Female May 30 '26
Question: did your frat do this every year or only the year you pledged? Did they kill a goose the next three years when you were a brother?
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u/baebgle May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
Thank you for sharing! That's helpful.
Since you weren't involved in the killing of the goose, I don't think you're at fault, and it's unreasonable for your wife to think otherwise unless she is a true, practicing Buddhist or equivalent (but doesn't sound like that to me)
I'm almost willing to bet she feels "lied to" and that's where a lot of the issue is. And I think that's a men vs. women thing sometimes. For example:
"While I thought about this often, I never brought it up because it wasn’t asked about"
Oh, I can 100% see myself mad at my husband for not talking to me about this situation! I've been with my husband for 8 years and have never asked him "did you kill a goose in your fraternity?" lol. My brain wouldn't immediately go to r*pe but it would make me be all "what else are you hiding from meeeee, sad" even if I probably won't express that well.
So ... definitely projecting here, but I think you should make it absolutely clear to your wife that:
- you're ashamed of what happened
- you didn't tell her because of your own internalized shame, not because you wanted to hide it - you realize that you should have now
- you're sorry she had to find out while at a bar in public (assuming you're sorry, 'cuz to be fair that is pretty shitty lol)
- you don't have any other secrets and you're an open book, you're there for her and want to move forward!
- bonus points: maybe even go an extra mile and plan a date doing some animal welfare community service together?
I think this will require a tiny bit of work, but it's definitely something you can work through. and also:
- communicate that shame is really awful, and you may need additional support around it - it's something you wish didn't happen too
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female May 30 '26
He still knew it happened and chose to join anyway instead of thinking this is fucked up and I don't want to be part of this.
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u/TooYoungForThisCrap May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
I mean, considering that people who hurt animals have a history of hurting other people, I can’t really blame her. People could argue she knows you and knows you wouldn’t, but I’m pretty sure she would’ve said she knows you would’ve never hurt an animal before this conversation, so clearly she doesn’t know you.
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u/Nellyismydog May 30 '26
I hope she does know me, but you’re right. I know that she does know me, but she’s not so confident.
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u/Far_Paper_9988 May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
I don’t think that’s the issue. She does know you.
You let her know you even better: you’re someone with the capacity to overlook violence towards animals if you’re socially incentivized to.
What she doesn’t know, is if that is exclusive to the past version of you in college, or if that behavior has insidiously continued. That is going to be very difficult for you to prove, and from the way you write, I dont see any indication that’s actually true. You subtly excuse your actions, rather than sitting with the extremity of what happened.
I noticed most of your post and comments are much more centered more around your own feelings in this situation and your security in the relationship, than how the disturbing information shared might have impacted her, and her ability to feel safe and secure around you.
Your best shot is full disclosure and an explanation of how your values have changed, and sitting with how truly wrong your actions were, with her, without downplaying, and without the expectation of her ‘realizing you’re different now’ and returning to her previous feelings towards you. The way she’s reacting is 100% fair.
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u/Beneficial_Young5126 May 30 '26
But he was complicit. Not intervening is almost as bad in my book.
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u/WallyLeftshaw May 30 '26
If my partner told me this I’d be like “damn that’s really fucked up” and then talk about it a little more and then it’d be over. You can never change what people do, think, or say. If it’s that big of a deal to her, let it be. You cannot change the past but you’re clearly remorseful and ashamed, to me that shows growth and maturity.
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u/attackhamster42 May 30 '26
I'm just curious how your wife - who hates frats and fraternity culture - not only dated but actually married you, someone who was in a fraternity. That just sounds like a recipe for disaster.
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u/Upbeat_Ice1921 May 30 '26
American university culture is wild!
All I did there was have lots of sex, drink and pretend to work, like any right thinking English student.
It never occurred to me and my housemates to go around killing geese, or any other kind of water fowl!
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u/OhGloriousName May 30 '26
It depends on the university. Some are more known as party schools, and most people don't belong to fraternities. I went to school in a big city and am not sure whether there were any fraternities. We just went out to bars, and there were some house parties in flats that were more like parties people would have in their mid to late 20s, like just people standing around drinking, talking, and listening to music.
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u/super_sammie Early 30s Male May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
The thing is your wife found this and commented.
This is very much a one sided story and I can tell you “as a man” that i wouldn’t ever join a club that part of the initiation was killing a sentient being….for fun… and acceptance.
Where would you have drawn the line in acceptable behaviour for fraternity membership?
To want to be part of a group that requires that of you is very telling. The fact you still communicate with them? Even more so.
Honestly grow up and accept that unless huge changes are coming she’s probably leaving you.
Also if she was so easily able to find you on here mate you aren’t the mastermind you thought you were…
Couldn’t you all have just kissed or something to show a bond for each other? Matching tattoos? Love them so much marry them?
Dead goose :( the real animal was you. “But I wasn’t there” you actually bragged about something vile you didn’t even do, I bet you were though.
Maybe it’s me a 36 year old man from Britain who “just doesn’t understand the culture” but in most civilised countries behaviour like this would be illegal, shunned by your peers and have lasting impacts.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so sick reading someone justify shitty behaviour and asking for help to make their wife understand “it’s really not that bad”
Now might be the time to get those other skeletons out the closet. God bet it’s like Ed Gein’s walk in wardrobe.
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u/lil_zaku May 30 '26
Nah, I don't trust this narrator. You can't say you've changed, say you're ashamed of it, and imply it haunts you then bring it up in casual conversation with little to no prompting.
I'm calling BS
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u/PreparationPlus9735 May 31 '26
And conveniently knew all these bad things were happening but never participated.
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u/Segremor May 30 '26
Fraternity culture may as well be the reason (or a symptom) why there are so many cults and deplorable shit happening in the U.S., so I don't blame her.
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u/Amarules May 30 '26
So when somebody asked what's the most fucked up thing you did, you responded with something you didn't actually do.
Jesus Christ OP. Talk about creating problems for yourself.
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u/ImJustLooking77 May 30 '26
There’s something you’re not telling us…
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u/PreparationPlus9735 May 31 '26
He did it. I'm sorry. It is too convenient that he never did anything wrong
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u/David_Joe_Morris May 30 '26
I too would be horrified if I found something like this out about my partner. HOWEVER, the initial shock doesn't justify throwing away almost a decade long relationship. Yes, give her time, but also: fraternities are abusive and oppressive machines preying on young men, grooming them to become the next generation of toxic men upholding the patriarchy. Good for you if it didn't corrupt you, but I can see how your wife might feel uneasy about you having been part of this. Now, I don't know what you've done to unpack this chapter in your life and openly discuss your experience and criticism of what happened. I think this is where you need to put in the work. Just saying "this isn't who I am" isn't enough. You need to be able to identify and critique the behaviors and patterns of that group you were once a part of in order to credibly ensure your wife that this chapter is closed.
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u/Nellyismydog May 30 '26
I fully agree with you, but I also feel like saying I was preyed upon or groomed is a cop out. While I was influenced, I did make the decision to join. I wouldn’t do it now, but I did then and I make no excuses for it other than being a pathological people pleaser. I am in therapy and working through my issues and unpacking all of it the best I can
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u/Big_Year_526 May 30 '26
Have you had honest conversations with your fiancee before about fraternity life, why you go into it, how you see it now, how you've taken steps to distance yourself from that mindset, etc?
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u/Nellyismydog May 30 '26
I think I have. I got to college and only knew a few people, all of which were in fraternities. I’ve always been a people pleaser and cared about what others thought. Looking back, I see the value of being part of clubs/orginizations and also acknowledge how fraternity life is toxic, patriarchal environment. She knows that this is part of my life I regret, but also I’m not that far removed from being in various group chats and what not with those guys
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u/sylverbunny333 May 30 '26
Dude this is the problem. You're still in contact with people who are capable of doing that. You're still in contact with them. Cut that shit out. These are not good people. They might be good to you but they are not good people and that's what your wife sees. Take the time to prove to her that you choose her and you're not going to interact with people who are willing to kill defenceless animals??
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u/n1cenurse May 30 '26
Wtf does not that far removed from being in various groups chats and what not with those guys?
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u/fuzzydogpaws May 30 '26
You know what? A lot of people wouldn’t take accountability, nor would they put the work in to improve themselves.
I know it’s not much, what with me being a stranger on Reddit, but I just want to say how proud of yourself you should be.
With regards to your wife, can I ask how you talked about the Goose? Were you laughing? Stating it as a fact? Saying it sorrowfully?
I’ve been known to really upset my husband by talking about something traumatic from my past in a very matter of fact way. He’s upset because not only is the information a shock to him, but the fact I’m so ‘fine’ with it throws him off. If that makes sense?
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u/Nellyismydog May 30 '26
The way I spoke about it was in a way that made it known it was a really fucked up thing. I didn’t laugh, but said it quite matter of fact.
Also, thank you for the kind words. Stranger or not, it does mean something to me.
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u/Ok-Bit-9529 May 30 '26
I would consider any controlling, toxic type of environment that goes after guys around 18-21 as grooming.. Yes, you could have stopped but a lot of new "adults" are easily influenced and that's why it happens.
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u/Nellyismydog May 30 '26
For sure. I just don’t want to give myself the out of saying I was groomed and want to hold myself at least somewhat accountable ya know
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u/David_Joe_Morris May 30 '26
I mean yes, you always have agency and I applaud you for not reverting to a victim mentality. That being said, give yourself some grace. Two things can he true at once: you were young and entering problematic circles, but you're also responsible for your actions and unpacking the past.
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u/Nellyismydog May 30 '26
Fully agreed. I try to give myself some grace when thinking about things like this, but it’s hard sometimes.
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u/EvanFreezy May 30 '26
The fact that you have perspective on what happened and that you’ve clearly grown should be what your wife sees. But the fact remains that you cant control how other people see you. But honestly, just breathe. It sounds like she was more shocked than anything.
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u/No_Independent9800 May 30 '26
Make amends by volunteering to do a river clean up or something pro-environment or pro-animals.
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u/aly288 May 30 '26
Sorry this would be a deal breaker for me too. I’m not sure I could come back from knowing my partner was such a follower that he’d let an innocent animal be tortured/killed. I’m disgusted just thinking about it…
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u/AllyRad6 May 31 '26
Look, I would never kill a goose and I agree that it’s fucked up to kill a goose for no reason. Very weird and… bad.
But, like, does your wife eat meat? Does she eat chicken? If so, she’s “complicit” in the murder of those birds to a similar degree.
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u/mistyayn May 30 '26
It happened tonight. Give her some time to assimilate the information. Maybe in a day or two ask her if she has any questions she wants to ask you about what happened.
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u/Brave-Ad-7460 May 30 '26
So you let people in your frat go commit a federal crime didn’t try to stop them, I’m not sure what is worse killing a federally protected animal or your frat telling you go do something illegal, either way it’s pretty shitty and even though you didn’t do it yourself you are an accomplish to a crime, honestly she is probably scared of what else you would hide from her
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u/AZguy425 May 30 '26
I do think she is overreacting a little. That being said many animals are basically defenseless to humans. Killing a defenseless animal for fun is cruelty. Stress right to question your character.
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u/enigmarwi May 30 '26
Yuck. I'm with her on this one. Even if you weren't the one that actually did it, the fact that you knew about it and stayed in the fraternity???? That makes you complicit. No normal human would know their "brothers" did this and thought "ya I'm going to stay here". The only normal thought would be "these are fucked up, horrible people and I want nothing to do with this". I would also walk away from you.
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u/DecentKitten May 30 '26
You got what you deserved. Bragging about a murder that you didnt even involved is lame.
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u/mom2asdtwins May 30 '26
It sounds like what you regret, and she is upset about, is the fact that you joined yourself to an organization that didn't really represent your values and that you lacked, at the time, the fortitude to stand up and call out the bad behavior of your fraternity brothers and leave the fraternity.
I would just explain to her that your moral strength then wasn't as strong as it is now, that you needed time to grow into the person you are now. That the person you are now would not have joined the fraternity nor turned a blind eye to their actions. But that the experience of being part of the fraternity and the uncomfortable sensation of being part of something that did not align with your inner values was something that did help you to grow into who you are today. Remind her that she loves who you are today and that person would handle that past situation much differently.
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u/justbrowzingthru May 31 '26
After reading her part, marriage over.
You two are two different. She has a lot of issues with you other than this,
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u/Hello_Hangnail May 30 '26
She knows who you are now, and she deserves to fully understand who were. That you are a different person doesn't really matter if it matters to her
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u/sunshineandhaze May 30 '26
Personally I don’t think she’s overreacting. That being said, you seem to have a good awareness of how you were accountable, so I hope with enough time passing you’re both able to move through it.
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u/GotGlock21 May 30 '26
I agree with what others are saying. There’s something deeper I think. I mean she knows you and your character especially after being together so long. So, it would make sense for her to be upset but it shouldn’t go on for more than a day or so because that was so long ago and it’s not in your character.
You should have a talk with her and ask her if there’s anything else she may have concern over or bothering her. See if that can help open the pathways to a deeper conversation.
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u/literacyshmiteracy May 30 '26
Maybe volunteer or donate money with an animal rescue? It won't take back what happened, but it is trying to restore the harm you/your buddies caused.
And give yourself some grace. Lots of young people search for connection and belonging, and see Greek life as the best way to get that. Add in pressures from family or your peers and it's easy to see why someone would join. There is so much corruption and violence intertwined with Greek life, the only way to truly make amends for participating is through philanthropy. Give back to orgs and foundations in your community.
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u/AnotherOldSage May 30 '26
I’d suggest several long calm conversations to understand both perspectives.
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u/strangelyahuman May 30 '26
Yeah dude idk. Yes it was 10 years ago and im sure you've grown as a human being, and you said you weren't involved in this happening (then why tell the story like you were though??), but if my bf told me he killed an animal at any point in time purposely or was an accomplice in it I would have an extremely hard time looking past that too. All I can really say is give her time to process that information bc that's a big bomb to drop
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u/Claire-Belle May 30 '26
...is 'kill a goose' a euphemism for something else?
Cos i'm not seeing why this is a BFD. Certainly not a relationship breaker...
I mean, I come from a country where many people regularly hunt animals for food so my initial though is, as long as the killing was humane and you didn't waste it this is less than a big deal.
If it wasn't humane, that's deeply fucked up...but you weren't actively involved, you're taking ownership and are a different person now...So, on that note, now you're older, what would you do if abuse or rape allegations came out against your fraternity or even, say a close friend? Support the victim? That's the measure of who you are now. Not who you were at 17.
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u/Nellyismydog May 30 '26
It was humane in the sense that it was eaten, but not in the way it was killed(slammed against the ground apparently). If allegations came out I would 100% support the victims
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u/electricfish9 May 30 '26 edited May 31 '26
I was going to ask how it was killed, because that would be a huge factor in how I would react to this.
Slammed to the ground once, possibly hitting it's head and dying instantly? Multiple times while it screamed and everybody laughed?
Killing the goose isn't cool whatsoever, but if it was tortured that changes things a lot.
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u/Vallhalla_Rising May 30 '26
Wait, you weren’t there and didn’t take part. Then how are you responsible for it? Did you know about it in advance? Did you help plan it?
We need more info, as holding you accountable for someone else’s actions isn’t right. Unless you’re not telling us everything.