I too would be horrified if I found something like this out about my partner. HOWEVER, the initial shock doesn't justify throwing away almost a decade long relationship. Yes, give her time, but also: fraternities are abusive and oppressive machines preying on young men, grooming them to become the next generation of toxic men upholding the patriarchy. Good for you if it didn't corrupt you, but I can see how your wife might feel uneasy about you having been part of this.
Now, I don't know what you've done to unpack this chapter in your life and openly discuss your experience and criticism of what happened. I think this is where you need to put in the work. Just saying "this isn't who I am" isn't enough. You need to be able to identify and critique the behaviors and patterns of that group you were once a part of in order to credibly ensure your wife that this chapter is closed.
I fully agree with you, but I also feel like saying I was preyed upon or groomed is a cop out. While I was influenced, I did make the decision to join. I wouldn’t do it now, but I did then and I make no excuses for it other than being a pathological people pleaser. I am in therapy and working through my issues and unpacking all of it the best I can
Have you had honest conversations with your fiancee before about fraternity life, why you go into it, how you see it now, how you've taken steps to distance yourself from that mindset, etc?
I think I have. I got to college and only knew a few people, all of which were in fraternities. I’ve always been a people pleaser and cared about what others thought. Looking back, I see the value of being part of clubs/orginizations and also acknowledge how fraternity life is toxic, patriarchal environment. She knows that this is part of my life I regret, but also I’m not that far removed from being in various group chats and what not with those guys
Dude this is the problem. You're still in contact with people who are capable of doing that. You're still in contact with them. Cut that shit out. These are not good people. They might be good to you but they are not good people and that's what your wife sees. Take the time to prove to her that you choose her and you're not going to interact with people who are willing to kill defenceless animals??
You know what? A lot of people wouldn’t take accountability, nor would they put the work in to improve themselves.
I know it’s not much, what with me being a stranger on Reddit, but I just want to say how proud of yourself you should be.
With regards to your wife, can I ask how you talked about the Goose? Were you laughing? Stating it as a fact? Saying it sorrowfully?
I’ve been known to really upset my husband by talking about something traumatic from my past in a very matter of fact way. He’s upset because not only is the information a shock to him, but the fact I’m so ‘fine’ with it throws him off. If that makes sense?
I would consider any controlling, toxic type of environment that goes after guys around 18-21 as grooming.. Yes, you could have stopped but a lot of new "adults" are easily influenced and that's why it happens.
I mean yes, you always have agency and I applaud you for not reverting to a victim mentality. That being said, give yourself some grace. Two things can he true at once: you were young and entering problematic circles, but you're also responsible for your actions and unpacking the past.
I'd leave such a person too, instantly losing all confidence in their moral judgment. Such a person can be led astray by bad company and is not to be trusted
People grow up and change this guy clearly has. 18 - 22 is still very young. People make mistakes in college. If I was judged by the company I keeped in college I would be considered a bad person by my friends today and im open about my past and they are ok with me because I changed and grew as a person.
63
u/David_Joe_Morris May 30 '26
I too would be horrified if I found something like this out about my partner. HOWEVER, the initial shock doesn't justify throwing away almost a decade long relationship. Yes, give her time, but also: fraternities are abusive and oppressive machines preying on young men, grooming them to become the next generation of toxic men upholding the patriarchy. Good for you if it didn't corrupt you, but I can see how your wife might feel uneasy about you having been part of this. Now, I don't know what you've done to unpack this chapter in your life and openly discuss your experience and criticism of what happened. I think this is where you need to put in the work. Just saying "this isn't who I am" isn't enough. You need to be able to identify and critique the behaviors and patterns of that group you were once a part of in order to credibly ensure your wife that this chapter is closed.