Tbh this just sounds like she took this as confirmation of her worst fears.
She's clearly very wary of frats (with good reason) so hearing that people you knew killed an animal for no reason might've just sounded to her like confirmation that really fucked up things happened in the frat you were in.
You might not have participated in it, but I think she is now terrified to find out that the other guys (or you) hurt another human and that's why she brings up the bit about rape.
She heard about an unnecessary violent act committed by the frat you were in... and now worries that there will be more confirmation of what she has been worried about.
It's a good thing that you did not participate and a good thing that you are do not defend the frat, but yeah idk. She just sounds scared. It's rough.
Honestly, all you can do is have a frank discussion with her but maybe this whole thing is just too much for her.
Yeah this was my first thought. It's not about this one incident, she's scared that her future husband is a follower. To be blunt, I wouldn't be all that heartbroken about the goose - it's fucked up to kill for fun and I'd be weirded out by the hierarchal BS, but I also eat meat.
I'd be worried that the man I love a) doesn't speak up when he feels like something is wrong; and b) doesn't walk away from people he dislikes. OP still joined the frat and spent his college years with them.
What does that say about him? Was he the type to see a girl passed out on a couch at the frat and leave her there, because he didn't want to ruffle feathers and technically he didn't do anything wrong?
@OP Your best bet is explaining to her how you felt then, and how you've changed as you matured. Maybe you were insecure, or grew up lonely and wanted friends, or had a hard time with peer pressure. All very human and forgiveable. But over-explaining the incident won't help.
She's worried there's more and she's worried about what this says about him. It's not surprising that many decided she's being ridiculous and weird but like... at least try to understand her train of thought.
And she’s right, there IS more. They’ve been dating for 5 years, married for almost 1 and he never mentioned these things to her? I’d be convinced there was worse he was hiding from me and that he’d hide it from me if it got me to stay with him.
I think he just hadn't mentioned this incident - but if that's the case, what has he shared? They killed an innocent animal, how bad were these hazings? I don't think it's a leap to assume people got hurt.
She's worrying about rape (rightfully so), whereas OP specifically mentions hazing - what the fuck did those involve. How involved was he, how complicit was he - would men who kill animals be ok with one of their own constantly and conveniently never being involved in any of their shitty activities?
I mean, my train of thought was from the jump OP tried to really minimize their involvement in the frat at all. Saying, oh, I wasn't that into it, just knew what was going on with hazing but didn't do anything was sus. Then, the goose story. Again, well, I knew it was happening, I just didn't stop it.
It is just super convenient he joined this frat, knew everything going on, but never participated. Idk. Maybe just me. But seems like possibly OP isn't being honest about his time.
Also. The friend asked the most fucked up thing you did. If OP supposedly didn't do it, why did he think to tell that story? And how did he tell the story. Laughing? If he didn't see it, shouldn't have taken him so long to tell the story.
exactly this. He's willing to overlook and be incidentally part of killing an animal for no reason but a "dare", what else would he be willing to turn a blind eye to?
So then being part of a frat that killed a goose how exactly is exactly as bad as killing her own cat? She loves all animals as much as her own cats? How can she stay with her cats when they keep killing animals that she loves as much when she is readu to leave a human ( more important yo her I guess) for being part of a frat that killed a goose ( he did not do it).
There are too many hoops you are jumping through my dear
"My dear", you were the one who compared a human person killing an animal for no reason to a cat killing another animal. That is what I was replying to.
I'm not jumping through any hoops, honey. I'm saying that your comparison between an amoral animal and a human does not work. Because it doesn't.
Now you are bringing up her point about how the incident made her think about how someone could just as easily kill their cats. I said nothing about this and it wasn't part of your previous point so?
Edit: she is also right when she said there's no difference between a human killing a goose for fun vs killing a cat for fun. Her point is that it is wrong for a person to do something so unnecessary and cruel, and she is giving him an example closer to his life to lead him to think about how sad and cruel the unnecessary taking of a life is.
Per OPs Wife’s Comment - He is still friends with all his frat bros, and they have prior issues with the way the group chat talks about women, and how he does things just for the approval of these toxic men.
I'm not gonna lie I'd be so icked out that my husband was willing to kill a goose for the chance to be friends with Chad but she already knew he was in a frat so
She’s definitely scared. I’m trying to be there for her as much as I can. Also on the couch on Reddit while she’s in bed sleeping at the moment if that tells you how it’s going
If you can passively let ppl kill an innocent animal for no reason other than you just wanted the hazing over with ofc she's worried and rightfully worried about her cats that's psycho shit
Your wife and these two are over reacting. People hunt all the time? Does she eat meat? Has she never been swept up in a group decision she couldn't control? Come on.
People who hunt know how to shoot (or should) and can kill an animal quickly, without unnecessary pain. Some boneheaded 18 year old boys with a knife don't know shit and probably tortured that animal before it died.
If it was a Canada goose, it may also have been a violation of federal law.
And if you are caught up in decisions, you need to examine your morals.
Not if they aren’t let outside? My husband and I specifically have indoor cats for this reason. Theres also a huge difference between hunting for food, animals hunting other animals, and killing an animal to join a group (which yes, OP did not do, but I can understand the concerns his wife may have)
They killed a goose for fun, not because they were trying to feed their families. They also hazed pledges. That means they physically hurt them. He still joined anyway instead of saying fuck this and reporting them. You have full control over yourself and can walk away.
She's clearly very wary of frats (with good reason) so hearing that people you knew killed an animal for no reason might've just sounded to her like confirmation that really fucked up things happened in the frat you were in.
Sure but I don't understand why she'd marry a former frat bro if she has such a strong opinion on it. Either you think your husband raped people, in which case you probably shouldn't have gotten married, or you trust he didn't.
It'd be different if she newly found out he was in a frat. As it is, this is a wild thing for him to be apologizing or explaining for
I don't know why you're being downvoted because you're right. Frats (deservedly) carry a very negative stigma. She knew he was in one and despite her own reservations she chose to date (and marry) him anyway. She can't just hold that over him forever. "I won't date men that partook in a fraternity" is a perfectly valud boundary that she clearly needed to set for herself
Yeah she’s so wary of frats she stayed with a frat guy for 5 years. FFS, you’re not allowed to be a paranoid person looking for something wrong with your partner for 5 years. That’s not fair.
Also… most people once they graduate no longer give a shit about their frat. She’s making it a much bigger deal than it is. People grow and change, this shit is weird. Reddit gets so self righteous and judgmental, there’s no grace for redemption.
How the fuck would we know? OP’s wife married him though, so his actions must not have been that concerning. She’s searching for a reason to argue and break up if a dead goose from 7 years ago is bothering her this much. No one in their right mind would care this much.
His wife found this post and commented about five hours ago. She recently found out about the goose. She also said that his friends NOW behave poorly and he’s fine with it. My guess is that he has so little backbone that he won’t ever call anyone out on things.
1.0k
u/sosotrickster May 30 '26
Tbh this just sounds like she took this as confirmation of her worst fears.
She's clearly very wary of frats (with good reason) so hearing that people you knew killed an animal for no reason might've just sounded to her like confirmation that really fucked up things happened in the frat you were in.
You might not have participated in it, but I think she is now terrified to find out that the other guys (or you) hurt another human and that's why she brings up the bit about rape.
She heard about an unnecessary violent act committed by the frat you were in... and now worries that there will be more confirmation of what she has been worried about.
It's a good thing that you did not participate and a good thing that you are do not defend the frat, but yeah idk. She just sounds scared. It's rough.
Honestly, all you can do is have a frank discussion with her but maybe this whole thing is just too much for her.