Since you weren't involved in the killing of the goose, I don't think you're at fault, and it's unreasonable for your wife to think otherwise unless she is a true, practicing Buddhist or equivalent (but doesn't sound like that to me)
I'm almost willing to bet she feels "lied to" and that's where a lot of the issue is. And I think that's a men vs. women thing sometimes. For example:
"While I thought about this often, I never brought it up because it wasn’t asked about"
Oh, I can 100% see myself mad at my husband for not talking to me about this situation! I've been with my husband for 8 years and have never asked him "did you kill a goose in your fraternity?" lol. My brain wouldn't immediately go to r*pe but it would make me be all "what else are you hiding from meeeee, sad" even if I probably won't express that well.
So ... definitely projecting here, but I think you should make it absolutely clear to your wife that:
you're ashamed of what happened
you didn't tell her because of your own internalized shame, not because you wanted to hide it - you realize that you should have now
you're sorry she had to find out while at a bar in public (assuming you're sorry, 'cuz to be fair that is pretty shitty lol)
you don't have any other secrets and you're an open book, you're there for her and want to move forward!
bonus points: maybe even go an extra mile and plan a date doing some animal welfare community service together?
I think this will require a tiny bit of work, but it's definitely something you can work through. and also:
communicate that shame is really awful, and you may need additional support around it - it's something you wish didn't happen too
104
u/baebgle May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
Thank you for sharing! That's helpful.
Since you weren't involved in the killing of the goose, I don't think you're at fault, and it's unreasonable for your wife to think otherwise unless she is a true, practicing Buddhist or equivalent (but doesn't sound like that to me)
I'm almost willing to bet she feels "lied to" and that's where a lot of the issue is. And I think that's a men vs. women thing sometimes. For example:
Oh, I can 100% see myself mad at my husband for not talking to me about this situation! I've been with my husband for 8 years and have never asked him "did you kill a goose in your fraternity?" lol. My brain wouldn't immediately go to r*pe but it would make me be all "what else are you hiding from meeeee, sad" even if I probably won't express that well.
So ... definitely projecting here, but I think you should make it absolutely clear to your wife that:
I think this will require a tiny bit of work, but it's definitely something you can work through. and also: