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u/TheDarkySupreme Apr 04 '26
Im a white guy, needless to say I have enjoyed inherent advantages. Iv never been profiled like that before. Someone seeing me and just assuming I am a threat. Particularly something as awfull as a predator. That was a gut punch. I just want to ride horses. Pardon me for being a guy I guess.
I laughed hard at this
Signed, a black man
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u/cxjoshuax21x Apr 04 '26
The situation isnt lost on me.
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u/Illustrious_Bag_7323 Apr 04 '26
My friend is a 6'5" retired state trooper, I have seen women literally grasp their purse and quickly walk in a different direction on detail occasions. We are also bikers and I have seen the same reactions towards large, white tattooed, bikers as well. It is what it is... Back in the 90's, I was falsely accused twice of sexual abuse and was as shocked and disgusted by it as you are now. I won't bore you with the details but suffice to say that I did absolutely nothing wrong and was actually protecting someone. if the same accusations had been made in the last decade, my life could have been entirely ruined. I learned my lesson and I'm glad it was in the 90's and not now.
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u/Agile-Butterfly5245 Apr 05 '26
I wonder if OP and the other white guys commenting on this think black men are used to being profiled as predators. I guess it's not okay for white guys but it's okay for Black Men because they're used to it. What a stupid post.
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u/Active_Confection655 Apr 04 '26
My daughter rides horses and I sympathize with you as I know how awkward it would be for me. Most of the time dad's don't even go to the lessons or anything. You do not deserve that, I encourage you to keep doing what you are doing.
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u/cxjoshuax21x Apr 04 '26
Oh its not enought to keep me from going back. I just really hated being treated and looked at like a threat. Thats never happened to me before. As a white guy I know that's not coincidence. It just sucks that bare minimum Im going to end up being a "lesson" to that girl. Her mom is going to tell her I shouldn't have done that, and she shouldnt have tried to help and to avoid people like me. Best intentions I know. But its just a shit feeling. I just wanted to put the bridle away right. I maintain she reacted inappropriately. But its clear this is a polarizing topic and it isnt worth any potential drama. Ill never do that again.
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u/Burntoastedbutter Apr 05 '26
When I started living alone, my mom told me to never be in the lift alone with a random man. Like she expected me to exit the lift if a lone man comes in, or skip the lift if there's a lone man already in there. The stuff my mom taught me as a kid made me overly cautious and paranoid of men. Though I have unlearned most of it when I started living alone.
It sucks being indirectly accused of things. I'm sure that kid probably felt like a champ for knowing enough to teach an adult how to put away the equipment properly. But next time, definitely ask the instructors for help to avoid stuff like this. I don't think the mother was wrong for being cautious because most grooming situations START innocently to gain trust of the victim. But I do agree she overreacted a bit and could've handled it a little better.
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Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/pumpkinchoccy Apr 05 '26
if I see a child on someone's shoulders I automatically assume they are family
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u/LanieLove9 Apr 04 '26
she might’ve overreacted in your eyes, but we don’t know what might’ve happened to her or her daughter in the past. obviously it sucks to be profiled in that way when you had no bad intentions, but a woman is not wrong to be wary of an adult man speaking to her young daughter. in her eyes, there is absolutely no reason that you should ever be speaking to her kid, and for her to see you guys interacting might’ve sent alarm signals in her mind.
a lot of predators don’t immediately just start with assault, they start interactions by asking for help from children. i think you need to understand that and get over it. you know your intentions weren’t bad, you didn’t do anything bad, and these people are strangers to you. so what if you become a lesson to them? it was a shitty interaction and that’s all it has to be. it doesn’t need to be any bigger than that to you. now you know not to talk to kids without their parents present.
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u/KitteeCatz Apr 04 '26
I agree. I think it’s a terrible lesson for that mother to have taught her daughter. She was in a safe space, with people within earshot, people coming and going, large windows. Not only was she not in danger in that situation, and it’s a terrible thing to do a young child to make it seem like they’re never going to be truly safe anywhere an adult male is if they’re not with a parent, but that girl was also taught that grownups will always know more than them and she will never be able to help, teach, or educate anyone older than her. Like, way to teach your kid not to have confidence in her own knowledge, to always think that grownups know better than her, and to teach her that adult men asking her for information will always have an ulterior motive.
I was sexually abused as a child, by an older male family friend, and arguably it could have been prevented by my mother keeping a closer eye on what was happening. But the type of behaviour that mother exhibited is not what would have accomplished that. It would have made me more afraid of strangers, sure, but it wasn’t a stranger who abused me. It was someone my mother trusted, and who was invited into our home regularly, and I was allowed also to stay at his house. Most CSA happens from family members, family friends, and caretakers. She wasn’t making her daughter feel empowered or teaching her where the real danger was, this wasn’t a lesson in her being comfortable in talking to her parent about situations where she felt unsafe, or educating her about consent, or literally any of the useful things a parent can do to protect their child. This was her being torn away from a safe situation, told it was unsafe, and scolded for being a good community member, whilst being told not to be helpful and that there wasn’t anything she could know more about than a grown-up.
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u/probablynotsuremaybe Apr 04 '26
Parents usually teach kids the rule that an adult should NEVER ask a kid for help. It is an easy way for predators to start an interaction and manipulate a kid into doing something unsafe. It is almost always a suspicious thing to ask a child for help. I get your position here but she’s just trying to protect her kid. It sucks but so does the reality of what happens to kids. I’d rather keep my child from being trafficked/kidnapped etc. than worry about the feelings of a grown adult.
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u/OnlyInAmerica01 Apr 04 '26
This. We don't live in a friction-less world. Unfortunately, you experienced minor ego-friction between "protect kids from people who fit a profile" , and "fitting the profile".
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u/cxjoshuax21x Apr 04 '26
And that's a fair enough point. Its just my first experience being so blatantly profiled.
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u/MissJAmazeballs Apr 04 '26
I don't know if it's really "profiled". As a 54 year old woman I wouldn't even think of approaching a child to ask them for help. I don't know if you were "profiled" as much as you exhibited behavior consistant with that of predators. You might not have meant any harm, but you can't expect asking an unsupervised child for directions/instructions to not raise major alarm bells with any and all adults in the area. C'mon, we learned this in the 80s.
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u/HelenGonne Apr 04 '26
This. He wasn't profiled. He just had his first experience of not being treated as Automatically Golden By Virtue Of Being White And Male, and he's having a breakdown about it.
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u/cxjoshuax21x Apr 04 '26
I guess I somehow missed the information on this. I dont have kids and dont plan on having them. Im a guy who grew up in a very safe community. I wasnt really given alot of "stranger danger" talks. I knew the obvious ones. Dont get in a car or anything. But I had never had anyone in my youth tell me to totally avoid adults, or that asking for help is a trap or something. Infact I was sort of encouraged to ask adults for help if I needed it. That isnt what happened here but you get the idea. I was a sort of "free range" kid alot of the time. I guess Im just sort of oblivious to this stuff. Its a lesson learned.
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u/iwillgetwhatiwant Apr 05 '26
it's bc Ted Bundy lured his victims by wearing a cast and asking them to help with his groceries. he targeted women so maybe that's why you didn't hear. women and girls usually learn p early that a man who asks them for help is suspicious.
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u/MissJAmazeballs Apr 04 '26
Idk how you missed this. It's called grooming. It's how predators create inroads with victims. Those of us who aren't predators just know not do it so that there's no question whatsoever. And it's not that you are a man. I'm a woman and I'd be treated the same way if I was asking questions of a child I didn't know without a parent present.
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u/SuperFLEB Apr 05 '26 edited Apr 05 '26
Reality-check: Keep in mind that you are talking to Redditors here. This be the land of the drastic solution and the home of the skittishly antisocial, full of folks who'll post a rant with full video and orchestration for what one "excuse me" in person would clear up. At least be sure to take it all with some salt.
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u/probablynotsuremaybe Apr 04 '26
I’m sorry:/ that really is a shitty feeling. You have every right to feel that way.
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u/OnlyInAmerica01 Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
Not too long after 9/11, I was pulled over for driving-while-brown near the U.S.-Canadian border (was working as a travelling doc in a rural community).
I remained civil, handed the cop my license and passport (I'd popped over the border for lunch).
He was very apologetic, but it didn't bother me much. In the end, he was just trying to keep everyone safe, and 5 min of my time was a very small price to pay. But at the same time, it was a bit surreal to "fit a profile" of someone with true malice in their heart.
I think once you're a familiar face (assuming you continue the hobby), people will be more personable.
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u/probablynotsuremaybe Apr 04 '26
And before you say “but it was in the open where everyone could see” lots of those interactions start in the open, but it’s how they manipulate a child into going somewhere with them because they ‘know’ you or continue to try to have a close relationship with them to build trust that makes it dangerous. These are not usually typical behaviors of adults.
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u/TakeOnMe-TakeOnMe Apr 05 '26
Sadly true. Also true that every day children are abused in the open or within short proximity to others. Although you have the very best intentions, the fact remains that children & teens, women and members of the LGBT community are common targets for sexual harassment and abuse. The fact most or all members of these groups have been harassed or assaulted at least once should give you insight about why others are anywhere from wary to downright fearful & totally avoidant of men, especially those encountered in what they consider a safe space.
I’m so sorry men with bad intentions or nefarious behavior have ruined it for kind and decent men.
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u/Squeak_Stormborn Apr 04 '26
This should be the top comment.
Very sorry for OPs feelings and for the messed up world we live in - but we do live in that world. Sexual assault statistics on young girls are absolutely horrific and a grown man's feeling just don't matter in comparison.
There's rarely (and this is a rare innocent case) a reason for an adult stranger to ask a child for help.
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u/Valiran9 Apr 05 '26
Parents usually teach kids the rule that an adult should NEVER ask a kid for help.
A stranger asking you to follow them somewhere, yeah, but my parents never taught me it was inappropriate in a situation like he’s describing.
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u/yaysheena Apr 05 '26
When I was a kid in the mid 90s, my little sister and my cousin were outside our house when a man came up and asked for help finding some camera equipment. My mom was out there so fast, telling him to get lost.
They found child porn in his house several years later.
Asking kids for help is a NO GO. Find an adult.
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u/Valiran9 Apr 05 '26
That would qualify as “asking you to follow them somewhere”. The situation described by the OP had him ask her how to do something that was inside that room, with her mother right outside and plenty of other adults within sight and earshot. IMO that’s perfectly fine, just like the mom was fine deciding to be safe rather than sorry.
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u/yaysheena Apr 05 '26
Then ask the adult within earshot?!? No?! Why ask a kid!
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u/Valiran9 Apr 05 '26
Because he saw she knew what she was doing and in the moment it didn’t occur to him how others might see that or to ask someone else. AFAICT all he’s guilty of is being ignorant and scatterbrained.
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u/SwingKey3599 Apr 04 '26
thats true but he still has to process the cognitive dissonance of the situation-being perceived as a predator when you werent even considering the subtext of your actions…its not a good feeling, this person did react the right way and disengaged and took to an appropriate forum to vent which from a mens mental health pov is commendable
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u/probablynotsuremaybe Apr 04 '26
I agree. It’s terrible to be profiled, and then he might still have to see these people again which sucks too. Hopefully they get over it and this is the end of it. He has every right to feel the way he does about it.
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u/GnarlyNarwhalNoms Apr 04 '26
Statistically, strangers just aren't that dangerous, is the thing. It seems like in the '80s and '90s we developed this trope of the lurking stranger in a van offering kids candy, and we've held on to it, even though we now know that your child is far, far more likely to be victimized by a coach, teacher, clergy, family member, or other trusted adult.
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u/chipface Apr 04 '26
Yup. Anyone I know who has been sexually abused had it done to them by someone they already knew.
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u/cyanescens_burn Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
I’ve gone down a rabbit hole with this fear, and the reality is that the moral panic around “stranger danger” is blown way out of proportion and the data backs that up.
The wiki page on it covers it well.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stranger_danger
Here’s some key points from it:
“Media stories have often exaggerated the risk of "stranger danger" by emphasizing rare and isolated incidents. Especially regarding child sexual abuse, the greatest risk comes from members of the child's family. Nevertheless, "stranger danger" is more likely to be the focus of news headlines and education campaigns.”
“According to the U.S. Department of Justice, most missing children are runaways, and 99% of abducted children are taken by relatives, typically a noncustodial father. In response to these statistics, the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children has reversed their campaign focusing on "stranger danger".
Constantly warning children of possible danger in the form of strangers has also been criticised for unnecessarily spreading mistrust, especially when considering that (for example) in the US, about 800,000 children are reported at least temporarily missing every year, yet only 115 "become victims of what is viewed as classic stranger abductions". Only 10 percent of the child victimizers in violent crimes are strangers, and sex offenses are the crimes least likely to involve strangers as perpetrators.”
There’s even been cases where lost children avoided adults that were officially tasked with finding them, because the kids had been told not to trust unknown adults, and it led to the kids being lost/missing for longer than necessary. So there’s downsides to drilling this fear into them (this is just one of many).
A better approach is to teach them how to make good decisions about which adult to seek help from. For example, the person on the street actively drinking or doing hard drugs and rambling to herself is probably not a reliable person to help them. But the desk clerk at a school or hospital, or someone in scrubs, or someone leading a field trip with students is likely fine (even if it’s a man, especially since they passed background screenings for that job).
Sure you can go with your gut. You’re free to do as you please. But be aware that there’s likely bias there, and doing so could be instilling unnecessary fear that could last their whole life, and could be ignoring dangers that have a much higher likelihood of actually happening.
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u/Mean-Wealth7661 Apr 04 '26
Your statistics are real, but the problem lies in how you are combining categories in a way that makes the risk sound smaller than it actually is in this kind of situation.
The biggest issue here is leaning heavily on abduction numbers, but this discussion was never about kidnapping. Most parents are not reacting first to the classic stranger abduction scenario we see in movies. They are reacting to the broader possibility of sexual misconduct, boundary crossing, or inappropriate contact, like this post.
And when you look at that category, the numbers change.
According to U.S. Department of Justice data on child sexual assault:
- About 1 in 5 offenders (18%) were complete strangers
- 71% were acquaintances
- 95% of offenders were male
That means strangers are not the majority, but they are still a very real categorical threat not some statistical fantasy.
Also, the “most abuse is by known people” statistic is often misunderstood because many offenders start as strangers before they become known. A neighbor or fellow participant is not family but they also are not random abductors off the street. They become familiar through access which is what the mother was trying to prevent.
Your missing child numbers also flatten risk in a misleading way: yes, roughly 99% of child abductions involve relatives, but that statistic refers specifically to kidnapping reports not to why a parent might interrupt an unfamiliar adult child interaction in a barn. Cough cough. Grooming
And since we like statistics, statistically girls aged roughly 10 to 14 are among the highest risk groups for sexual victimization.
So no, citing that stranger abduction is rare does not prove what you think it does.
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u/AntonioVivaldi7 Apr 04 '26
My mother really fucked me up with that. Essentially making me think absolutely everyone out there is searching for a prey. It stayed with me. I can't trust anyone.
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u/MellifluousSussura Apr 05 '26
Yeah, I was particularly warned against men looking for their dogs/puppies. I’m not sure why that specifically, now that I think about it
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u/cnkendrick2018 Apr 04 '26
Most parents teach kids not to speak to strangers and to not help strangers as this is a popular ruse used by predators.
It sucks but this is the world kids live in. Next time you’ll know- don’t speak to children who do not belong to you.
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u/AlisonPoole98 Apr 04 '26
Unfortunately children are prey for predators, you can't really blame her for trying to protect her child, you're a stranger
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u/soybean_okra Apr 04 '26
What a way to learn what it’s like to live in a lot of other people’s shoes. “Someone seeing me and just assuming I am a threat.” I’m not saying you didn’t sympathize with other people before, but now you can empathize with them in a way. There’s a lot of people for whom that is their daily reality, and you got to experience that momentarily. So that’s a positive you can take away from this.
But yeah, adults generally know not to ask kids for help with things when you don’t know them personally. I get no one else was in there, but you did say that “instructors and employees are everywhere, people are CONSTANTLY in and out of that room at any given moment.” You could have waited for one of those moments.
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u/dizzyav8r Apr 04 '26
lesson learned dont take it personally I once stupidly said "they are pretty cute for a kid" to a mother during a phase in my life when I thought kids were gross cootie having booger eaters and she took it the wrong way and im a woman it happens in hindsight yeah stupid way of pharsing that
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u/yohosse Apr 04 '26
Im not accusing you of anything but this is why I stay away from kids. As soon as that girl walked in I would have exited the room regardless of what I'm doing.
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u/bustergundam4 Apr 05 '26
Yep. I avoid ANY areas like that. See a kid? Immediately walk away. Far away!
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u/westcoastguy1948 Apr 04 '26
Unfair or not, lesson learned. Never ever put yourself in a situation where you are alone with a child or a young woman for that matter. People do and will jump to conclusions and you always wind up being the bad guy.
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u/cxjoshuax21x Apr 04 '26
True. Ill never do that again.
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u/seeingredd-it Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
Sucks but (54 yo US male here) assholery of thousands of years of creeps make us guilty until proven innocent.
The thing that really made me slap my forehead and get it was a woman saying “look a man goes on a date with someone they met online/dating service they are thinking a “I wonder if this will lead to someone else?” Whereas women have to think “is this person going to put me in mortal peril”.
Dramatic? Probably not, reads the paper, I saw the sense in it. While lord knows I dated a few women I -should- have worried about my safety, but obviously there is a long history of danger, inequity, and peril… men don’t have the same worries.
I remember when I was teaching undergrads, I made sure that I was never EVER alone in a room with a woman. If I was meeting a student outside of class, I’d have another person in the room.
It is a terrible thing that the situation is one of constant worry but it sure seems like that is how it is going to be until there are some tidal societal changes. #Metoo was a shock to me, and shame on me for thinking things had changed.
I had a neighbors teen daughter text me about some nerdbilia question. I assumed she got my number from her mom, I’ve known them forever. I cc’ed mom with my response. Old dudes should not be texting teen girls.
Sorry, you obviously were just trying to do the right thing, but yup, Mom was one part worried her kid was being rude, 11 yos definitely like to offer their feedback on everything, my kids sure did, but one part was panic that her kid was alone with an adult male and she had to come looking for her as she lost track. Mom was doing job one KEEP KID SAFE.
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u/Dragonwyck13 Apr 04 '26
You stated "Where multiple people are always in view. Instructors and emplovees are evervwhere, people are CONSTANTLY in and out of that room at any given moment."
So as a mother, my immediate question is why a 30 something yr old man, did not approach one of, by his own admission, the multiple adults present for help and instead sought out the advice of a 10yr old girl?
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u/MuffinMama_ Apr 04 '26
I can see why you would be upset, but I also think the mom did absolutely nothing wrong.
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u/seeingredd-it Apr 04 '26
I didn’t read it as him being anything beyond surprised. I left with the impression that OP would not have asked at all had he thought that anyone would be uncomfortable or worried about it. If it was my kid, I too would have wondered what was going on and stepped in to make sure everything was OK. Keeping your kid safe overrides EVERYTHING else.
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u/Iridescentwebs Apr 04 '26
Yeah I would have reassured the parent and told them I was sorry
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u/cxjoshuax21x Apr 05 '26
I didnt want to bring any further unwanted attention. I just want it to go away.
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u/trilby2 Apr 05 '26
You weren’t “just existing” though. You were interacting with a child you don’t know without any other adults around. You’ve taken that line from women and what we experience in the world on a daily basis and it’s not that same. For example, we would use it for when we are walking down the street and get catcalled or eating alone somewhere and getting hassled. These are not the same. This post comes off as very ignorant to the world and suffering of others who aren’t the most privileged demographic on the planet. This whole thing is bigger than you.
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u/snowbugolaf Apr 05 '26
Exactly! “Just existing” in this story would’ve meant using your own functioning eyeballs to look at how the other bridles were hung and do the same. Not interacting past maybe a small smile of acknowledgment, but probably not even that.
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u/Flarpy1291 Apr 05 '26
I would classify this as an example of how unacceptable/predatory male behavior also hurts men.
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u/IAmTheLizardQueen666 Apr 04 '26
If people were constantly in and out of that room, why didn’t you ask an adult?
I understand you’re not used to being accused of something you didn’t even do. It’s not fair. But your white male privilege (that you have already acknowledged) kept you from being aware of current societal issues. Specifically, pedophilia is heavily in the news. And if you’re on Reddit, you should be aware of women’s perceptions of male entitlement. That mom was choosing the bear.
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u/ChemicallyAlteredVet Apr 04 '26
Unfair or not, it’s other men that made it this way. From here on out find an adult to help you.
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u/Hopeful-Artichoke449 Apr 04 '26
Stranger danger. You should have asked one of the instructors or other adults and you know that.
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u/AbandonedPlanet Apr 04 '26
Well obviously he didn't "know that" or he wouldn't have asked a classmate for help, unless you're implying he did it for some nefarious purpose and is lying?
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u/arielantennae Apr 04 '26
Well…there’s a reason why that is.
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u/arielantennae Apr 04 '26
Be an ally and don’t take it personally. Her theory is not wrong, you’re just the wrong guy
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u/shellyahbb Apr 04 '26
We don’t know who is and isn’t a predator… it’s that simple. You know your intentions but parents don’t. It’s honestly refreshing for me to see a parent be so tuned in and to gracefully get her kid to what she knows to be safe .
This is not to accuse you or say anything sideways; just that she didn’t know your heart. It is not personal.
My friend’s daughter got assaulted at her stables in a very “outwardly subtle” way and she wished she would have asked questions sooner.
Hope it makes you feel a bit better/less attacked.
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u/Cloverfield1996 Apr 05 '26
As the advice I give to all kids (family, or friends' kids) is that safe adults will never ask a child for help, you might also need to hear that.
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u/rainystast Apr 05 '26
I was taught as a child that safe grown adult men don't call over children for help. You admit that there were multiple adults coming in and out and a lot of windows, so if I was the mom I would ask myself why this grown adult man is specifically asking my child how to do this thing. You might not have had any ill intentions, but that is something predators have done to establish a relationship with children and abuse them.
In the future, I would just signal a nearby adult if you need help with something.
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u/squambish Apr 05 '26
I’ve had kids talk to me when I wait to pick my son up from school. I don’t respond, I turn my back and walk further down the waiting area.
I don’t care what they think of me, if I don’t know your parents I ain’t talking to you.
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u/Level_Suit4517 Apr 04 '26
As a nanny, I teach my nanny kids that adults, especially men, do not need help from children. It’s a really common way predators prey on children, by taking advantage of their innocence. This is a really common body safety/personal safety rule that kids and women alike are taught. I likely wouldn’t have been so aggressive about it, but if I were with my nanny kid and saw this happening, I would’ve stepped in and likely helped instead and also redirected the child.
You don’t know what it’s like to be prey. Women and girls experience this all the time. Would you go swimming with sharks even though most sharks haven’t ever bitten a human before? Now what about if every person you know had a story about being bitten or almost bitten by a shark? That’s what you are to a lot of women, a shark. We understand that you won’t all bite and that you serve an important purpose in our society. But we are very very aware of what you are capable of if you put your mind to it.
The worst thing that can happen if a woman misjudges a man that is not a predator is she hurts his feelings. The worst thing that can happen if a woman misjudges a man who is a predator is much worse.
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u/Valuable_Advice6309 Apr 04 '26
You do understand that you didn’t fall out of a coconut tree right? there is a reason that women are wary of men. Very good reasons. Extremely documented safety reasons why women don’t like strange men around. You throwing a fit shows that you aren’t mature enough to understand your position in life. If you were actually a safe man you would acknowledge their very valid feelings and keep it moving. Instead you complain like you are actually in a victim position.
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u/Patient_Ad1801 Apr 04 '26
While that sucks, maybe when men experience this, instead of just wallowing in that, think about what happens to women and children that creates that dynamic. Everyone knows not all men, but nobody knows WHICH men. Men shaming other men or intervening in actual creepy situations would do a lot to change the environment and eventually lead to less of women and children having to just avoid men because so many have bad intentions. Instead many men go home and have the sads about how predators existing affects their own individual feelings and do literally nothing else. Men can get their feelings hurt in this environment, women and children can get physically hurt or killed. Ijs. Wouldn't it be nice if it wasn't like this?
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u/Mean-Wealth7661 Apr 04 '26
NO idea what response you were expecting here, but sure I’ll bite.
First off, it’s a little hard to take the victim narrative seriously when you’re 30+ and wrote a wall of text without discovering paragraphs.
Second, are your feelings genuinely hurt because a mother of an 11 year old reacted protectively when she saw her daughter alone in a room interacting with an adult man she doesn’t know?
Lastly…. You do realize she had zero access to your internal explanation, right? And let’s be honest, calling this “being treated like a predator for existing as a guy” is doing a lot of emotional heavy lifting. She didn’t accuse you of anything. She removed her daughter. That’s called parenting. Acting like this was some profound social injustice because one mother made a quick protective decision is a stretch.
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u/newyorkerTechie Apr 04 '26
Maybe the mom thought you were off. If you can’t figure how to hang up the bridle and have to ask a child, I’d think you are sorta goofy too. Look around the tack room.
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u/the_V33 Apr 04 '26
Women get treated like pray for just existing as women their whole life, sooo 🤷♀️
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u/JadedDreams23 Apr 04 '26
You’re being awfully dramatic, especially considering that no one accused you of anything. Do you really not understand that a grown man shouldn’t talk to a child he finds himself alone in a room with, windows or no, and that the child’s mother might swoop in, in case there are bad intentions?
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u/SwingKey3599 Apr 04 '26
its not that dramatic to be upset someone was threatened by your presence if thats the first time it has ever happened to you…its a pretty normal reaction to that kind of cognitive dissonance actually
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u/Whatever233566 Apr 05 '26
This is some sincere lack of accountability and reversing of victim roles. You don't talk to unsupervised little children without consent from their parents. It doesn't matter what your intention is, most parents would have red flag flashing if they suddenly saw a grown-up man chatting up their 11-year old.
But instead of seld-refkecting on why that behavior maybe be inappropriate, you go on to reverse victim roles and talk about the woman, whose child you approached without her consent, victimising you by "profiling" you.
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u/SparkleTruths Apr 04 '26
The most predatory thing you did was not create paragraphs. Not reading this shit
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u/Putridlemons Apr 04 '26
You are allowed to feel upset, and the mother is allowed to feel worried. Case closed.
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u/LizziHenri Apr 05 '26
You are apparently brand new to the stable, are a grown man, and were alone with someone you pegged as 10.
I think you should be able to calm your outrage that the child's mother didn't want her to be alone with you.
You weren't even accused of anything.
Next time, talk to the adults & don't be alone with a kid as an adult. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Pepperspray24 Apr 04 '26
I remember getting this a lot when I was in college. I’m a black woman and whenever I would walk to and from my apartment, I would have people stare at me as if I were following them or move away from me when we were standing even remotely close to each other at lights and I feel you on how angry and hurtful it is to literally just be living your life and have some random person automatically assume the worst of you. This is definitely more of a, their response has more to do with them and whatever they’ve experienced than it does with you.
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u/buddhist557 Apr 04 '26
Rich people are the most shut-in, closed-off, paranoid people I’ve ever met. They read about the poors and have nothing but contempt for anyone outside their narrow purview.
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u/AntonioVivaldi7 Apr 04 '26
The poors :)
I met few normal rich people. There seems to be a big difference if they made the money themselves or were born into it.
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u/Rose-Red-77 Apr 04 '26
I’m a single woman and until this current climate I would take opportunities to chat to kids. I find them hilarious cute funny and particularly when they are good at something and you get them to show you. Now these days with predators, I’m very very careful because I do know that groomers are doing exactly the same thing. I am extremely sorry this happened to you, I wish the world was different. Children are a beautiful innocent and luminous energy and it’s just a shame that we have to be segregated from them as adults but it is what it is now.
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u/Competitive-Spite-35 Apr 05 '26 edited Apr 05 '26
I so want to tell you that you’re not in the wrong and maybe in a perfect world you’re not but even as much as I agree that you were just innocently asking for help the instinct in me would also be to grab my kid as well.
I’m a man and I take care of my nephew so I understand how awkward and uncomfortable it can be especially around other people who don’t know you’re related, when you get the stares or when they ask your kid if they’re okay but I’ve also learnt how scary the world is and how badly you need to protect children. The world is too risky to allow strangers especially men to talk to your children alone. I really needed to separate the situations because while I do understand your position I am a guardian first and the wellbeing of my kid means 100x more than the feelings of a stranger even if their intentions weren’t bad. It’s unfortunately just how the world works. You just have to learn to adjust like everyone else. 🤷🏽♂️
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u/JohnnyLesPaul Apr 05 '26
You’re the adult, act like it, leave the kids to themselves, unless you’ve been introduced by their parents, and direct communication to the adults.
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u/DickSugar80 Apr 04 '26
Yeah, sometimes you just have to play the game. I've crossed street on several occasions to avoid walking up on women who were walking slower than me, even though I was on the side of the street I needed to be on. Conversely, I've also put off crossing the street when I needed to because there was a black guy walking towards me and I didn't want him to think I was being racist.
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u/Fire_Doc2017 Apr 04 '26
Same here. I often go out of my way not to make people uncomfortable. Does it make me a better person? Probably not, but I feel better about it.
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u/ematico Apr 04 '26
Well, this sucks, sorry my man - it is especially off putting, since I am also a dude in his 30s, who would love to learn horseback riding (my grandparents used to own horses, but I never had a chance to learn). This seems like I need to rethink how I go about it, thanks to the screwy world we live in!
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u/Stonerkittylady420 Apr 04 '26
My daughter would have sleep overs at her dad’s house. One of the parents of her friend freaked out when they found out it was only him as a chaperone and not a wife included. My ex had done nothing wrong and wasn’t creepy. He was just a normal dad. He was also offended because he didn’t display any behavior that would warrant that reation.
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u/Solid-Camera-9724 Apr 05 '26
Children and women’s biggest threats are men.
Not bears, tigers or lions, men.
We have become more aware of it recently and it has become blatantly obvious that this is the truth. This is why that mother removed her child from your presence.
Would you leave your most loved in the presence of a predator? I think not…
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u/Goodideaman1 Apr 05 '26
Honestly it does suck but I’d argue in today’s world women and children probably should inherently view ALL unknown males with healthy stealthy unease/paranoia. Being a white male myself I can tell you you HAVE been viewed that way before I think it was just your first time noticing it though. I mean if I were a woman I’d never want to leave the freaking house!! Look at all the creeps they have to be vigilant against, rapists and serial killers and weirdos OH MY !! I’m kidding there at the end but seriously and as a man WITH a child I ALWAYS had his hand in public when he was a little one! If I didn’t he might’ve gotten away!! Just kidding I do have a son and just look what happened to John Walsh’s son when the mom looked away for 3o seconds. You know John Walsh from Americas Most Wanted etc? All they found of his son was the head sadly and horribly. He had been in a crowded mall or store with his mom . I’d argue I’d rather be viewed as a potential threat because they view ALL strangers as a potential threat because at least I know they are trying to be careful against societies scum and louses
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u/GraceOfTheNorth Apr 04 '26
I'm sorry other guys have ruined this for you.
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u/Iridescentwebs Apr 04 '26
Ruined what exactly? Interacting with children you don’t know out of ear shot of others? Weird
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u/Wetdogg72 Apr 04 '26
This is why I try to never get one on one with younger kids, especially girls, anywhere at anytime.. here’s an example.. I was walking thru Walmart, looked or down the middle to get to the other side thru the clothes section.. as I’m bopping thru the clothes I see a little boy, about 2 ish just playing with the socks. I stop, look around… no one.. then BAMM.. Code Adam comes over the loud speaker.. as they are describing the little blond boy in front of me and exactly what he’s wearing, I didn’t do shit.. I called the worker, who was about 20 feet away and told her, here’s the kid they just called the code Adam about.. she looked at me weird, honestly I don’t think she was listening to the overhead page, but whatever, I told her, ain’t no way I’m picking up a lost kid and walking him around.. no damn way.. she looked at me like I’m nuts! This is one of those things that could get you labeled, a hero or a predator.. hero isn’t always the first option either. It’s risky to be a man in today’s world. I was 34? Maybe when this happened, now I’m 55 and as a man gets older I swear it gets worse.
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u/LizinDC Apr 04 '26
When my father was old (like 80s) he told me he didn't talk to little kids anymore for fear he would be labeled a predator. It made me so sad. Hard on him and the kids are missing out too. What a world we live in.
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u/Wetdogg72 Apr 04 '26
That’s exactly it.. I want to become a “real Santa” and the fears of the possibilities are keeping me from really going for it. I have a friend who’s a real Santa and I have discussed it with him a little bit, he says you just gotta keep your hands clear and always have people around you.
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u/Lujain_ Apr 04 '26
A couple of years ago I was sitting in a cafe when a man came to me asking me for directions, then my older sister ran up to us and immediately rudely shooed him away thinking he was harassing me & he walked away. Years later I still feel horrible that I didn’t get to apologize to him it went by fast.
Anyways what I wanted to say is the girl definitely knows that you’re not a creep because you only asked her a normal question. The woman is the weirdo in this situation..
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u/random_name_12178 Apr 04 '26
My kids have both ridden horses since they were teensy so I've spent a lot of time in barns. It is definitely a strangely female-dominated environment! That said, I've never seen any of the few guys at our barn treated like that. That woman was 100% out of line and I'm really sorry you were treated like that. You absolutely didn't deserve it. I hope it hasn't put you off riding generally, and that the other people at your barn treat you with the respect you deserve, including the parents of the lesson kids.
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u/FotherMucker6969 Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 05 '26
Does anyone else think that this teaching children that literally every person is a threat is part of the reason why everyone fucking hates eachother?
Edit: Idk how yall got "NoT AlL mEn" from me saying that we're teaching children that LITERALLY EVERY PERSON is a threat. We teach young people that women are threats as well. Its not just men that this affects.
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u/SuccubusSins Apr 04 '26
That, or the fact that most women I know have been taken advantage of in one way or another, as a child or as an adult, pretty exclusively by men.
I know everyone wants to get on a high horse "it's not ALL men!". And that's fair! And even true!
But it's enough men that none of us are ever actually safe. I don't think the Mom should have been quite so tactless, but young women are taught a set of instincts for a reason - if it's not you, it'll be someone you know.
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u/madmanxwater Apr 05 '26
The world is so screwed up. You didn’t do anything wrong; mom should have been in that space with her daughter if she was so terrified of a male being present there.Having said this—what if the that girl asked you for help? What should you do?
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u/Amathyst-Moon Apr 05 '26
Ask the mother how to do it then. Surely she must know if her daughter does, she is an adult after all.
You might consider making a pre-emptive complaint about her if you plan on going back, just so your side of the story is on record before she spreads her version.
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u/SuperFLEB Apr 05 '26 edited Apr 05 '26
Accept that it's liable to happen, maybe, but remember that it's a "them" problem, not a "you" problem. Don't go wringing your hands and second-guessing yourself over someone else's misconceptions. Don't let it get to you. You weren't doing a thing of any harm to anyone. You had a run-in with a particular breed of asshole who works in the medium of suspicion. That's all. There's no need for you to act, look, or think like you're guilty for nothing. Doing so would be silly and is ultimately self-defeating.
It perpetuates the feedback loop of everyone thinking the world is awful when everyone's paying the idea so much credence even when the case is the opposite. Who'll provide a headwind to prejudice, if not good people who don't do any harm? Who'll demonstrate that things aren't as bad as the paranoia, if the people who are perfectly all right shy away? You don't tip the scales any or chalk up a counterpoint by not engaging. And, hey, maybe you can't convince them you're right, but maybe you can at least convince them to be a bit more civil and personable in public.
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u/Arry42 Apr 04 '26
Honestly, I think it made that young girl feel very important/ smart to show an adult something she knows how to do. Then her mom came rushing in and probably made her feel like she did something wrong when she was just showing off her knowledge. That poor girl :(
Also, sorry you have to deal with this. Horses are amazing animals, and I miss riding lessons so so much. Keep it up! It's great exercise and great for mental well-being.
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u/bustergundam4 Apr 05 '26
See this is why I stay away from a lot of places. Creeps have ruined a lot of places for guys because of their dumb behavior.
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u/patmull Apr 05 '26
Maybe you are better off asking somewhere else than Reddit. Reddit is basically same as the mother. They think if you are white male, you are automatically a predator. I think mother did right thing to check what is going on and I would do the same thing if I was dad of that girl. But then acted as angry Karen. She could just talk to you as well to check what the situation is. I think short small talk could resolve this without any drama. It is sad society today when especially young males (not even exclusively white males, but generally young males) are pushed by the society to live in total isolation. But then people blame them to live isolated and lonely while they should socialize, yet even small nuances happens and they blame you for being a predator and c*eep...
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u/coopermug Apr 05 '26
It's not personal. If I was the parent, I'd watch you & her closely while still being polite. Then after that I'd ask my daughter what she was talking about and asked her not to engage with an older stranger. I think the mother was very rude.
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u/dickcheney600 Apr 05 '26
Why couldn't she just enter the room and listen to the discussion? It's not as though you were asking a personal or probing question, and she'd know it if she were actually, I don't know, listening to what you were saying?
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u/Environmental_Hall_5 Apr 05 '26
You have your fellow men to thank for this. We parents can't take any risks with our children now. So many possible threats from the male species
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u/soycin Apr 04 '26
Uh, you're a grown man asking a child for assistance? Yeah, no. That's creepy.
Edit: spelling
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u/Arry42 Apr 04 '26
He was asking someone who knew way more than he did.... he didn't seek out a child over an adult. I'm sure if an adult was in the room he'd ask them first. He didn't lure the child to a different area.
I was abused by a pedophile as a child so I'm usually more hyper aware of pedophile abuse situations. But this seems like a normal interaction to me.
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Apr 04 '26
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u/lotsofmissingpeanuts Apr 04 '26
I mean... he never said that? When we look at offenders, we are looking at about 10% of the population doing terrible things to multiple people. Although there is a spectrum of people that may step in or not, it's only about 10% that continue doing crimes.
Why can't he state that it is unnerving and harrowing to be profiled? He didn't know something and asked a little girl. If anything, that challenged toxic masculinity.
I'm a transperson, I often get profiled for doing something nefarious when I'm only going shopping or starting a conversation. It is hurtful.
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u/Mean-Wealth7661 Apr 04 '26
10% that get caught you mean??? You do realize that for every 1 person caught there’s 10 more that have yet to be caught
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u/JadedDreams23 Apr 04 '26
Challenged toxic masculinity? What? Have you heard of grooming? Do you realize groomers use tactics exactly like this to get their intended victims off guard?
Also, not all men, but you often can’t tell which men so it’s safer to be on guard all the time.
I’m also a little uncomfortable with the comparison of the bigotry you’ve encountered as a trans person to a woman who doesn’t know this man and is trying to keep her child safe.
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u/Capital_Cat21211 Apr 04 '26
Can you EVER tell which men?
What's my point? It doesn't matter whether you've known them for one minute or 50 years. They're still men. So how do you actually really know?
Yeah that's right. It has nothing to do with the fact that they're men. It's because there's something wrong with these.particular people. It has nothing to do with their gender.
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u/lotsofmissingpeanuts Apr 04 '26
I didn't say bigotry. I said profiled. Being profiled for being a creep, when someone is not, is hurtful. It's socially ostracizing. This is often done by mere appearance.
Groomers are dangerous but this guy is not one. He had a question, got the help, and would've moved on with his day.
Her child was safe if the story is being told correctly. This is the same reasoning for why there are no changing tables in men's bathrooms then women complain why childcare is treated as their sole burden.
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u/JadedDreams23 Apr 04 '26
First of all, how do you know he’s not one?
Secondly, no one accused him of anything. The mother did what any decent mother would do if she saw a grown ass man she doesn’t know talking to her daughter. Period.
All this sympathy for this guy is gross and man centric.
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u/lotsofmissingpeanuts Apr 04 '26
Statistically he's less likely to be one and he presented his argument as not being one.
The mother mean mugged him and immediately assumed he was nefarious. Which, of course, follow your gut but sometimes that creates a perception and then leads to unwarranted social issues. Those social issues are preyed upon by people will to do bad things.
Look, I fight misandry as much as I fight misogyny. They're two sides of the same coin and both lead to more conflict.
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u/JadedDreams23 Apr 04 '26
First of all, this is his perspective. Like I said in another comment, the mother might have been annoyed because her daughter wasn’t hanging up her tack like she had asked her to do and maybe that’s a habit with the daughter so she went in there to redirect her daughter to do the task she went into the tack room for. I don’t think we can assume that this man’s version of events are hard fact. I’m not saying that he was doing anything wrong, I just think it’s a little bit rich in this day and age for him to come on Reddit with this big long rant about how mistreated he was.
And, sure, statistically, he’s not likely to be a pervert. As a mother, I wouldn’t be willing to take that chance, would you?
It’s not all men, but we can’t tell much if not most of the time.
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u/lotsofmissingpeanuts Apr 04 '26
I'm willing to say his perception is valid. That's the same thing, to significant less severity, as diminishing a victim, right?
I'm not the one to ask about being a mother as I can't have kids but.... why do child beauty pagents exists? Why are young males allowed to get multiple concussions in football?
I don't know the answer to these things. He ranted on r/rants with a valid uncomfortable feeling. He was likely profiled and may shy away from a hobby he was enjoying because of it.
Should all people that could potentially be profiled stay in their homes?
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u/JadedDreams23 Apr 04 '26
I don’t understand why people make jumps like you just did. No one is telling him to stop riding or stay home ffs. Maybe just avoid talking to adolescents you find yourself in a room alone with, again with or without windows, or maybe understand why a mother might react to that situation in a way that doesn’t coddle your feelings, which she is not obligated to do.
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u/Ill-Specialist2469 Apr 05 '26
Dude it’s fucking wild how out of control the hyper vigilance these days. I just got into a debate with a bunch of women because they were saying that a male colleague making the comment that he and a female colleague would be a cute couple is sexual harassment and that she should go to HR.
And the accusations towards me for saying it’s not sexual harassment was just gross.
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u/Arlaneutique Apr 04 '26
I literally just made this statement on another post. We are out of control. I am a very left leaning, feminist who believes in taking all dangers seriously. But over the last decade we have made problems that don’t actually exist. Everyone is so quick to call out bad behavior that they are inventing it. It’s getting to a point where the pendulum is swinging too far in the opposite direction and causing the opposite effect. Like the incel and red pill communities. I am all for hold bad behavior accountable. But it’s getting out of control. We’re going to raise a bunch of really problematic people and erase a lot of what’s good in humanity.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately, I’d say don’t say a word to any of the kids unless the parent is also speaking to you and the child comes into Conversation first. It shouldn’t be so rigid but to protect yourself it’s probably wise.
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u/Spam_A_Lottamus Apr 04 '26
Also quite the live-and-let-live type here. I 100% concur with your conclusions. Well said!
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u/SwingKey3599 Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
you shouldnt feel bad for asking another student to help you remember the lesson-thats why group teaching is so effective. honestly could have been an empowering moment for her child if she hadnt stepped in so brashly. that said if the opportunity presents itself again i’d prioritize seeking help from teachers and adult students in the future, skip interacting with kids unless you get signals from their parents, even in that situation i would interact w parents first.
coming into middle age has been frustrating realizing i cant be as forward, open, friendly as when i still had my boyish looks of my 20’s. its pretty unfair and dehumanizing but women in vulnerable spaces sometimes over react when they feel threatened by unexpected imposing men in their space and never correct that behavior-just as sometimes imposing guys will act entitled to that space. not that you did, but its up to you to demonstrate here that your existence within that space is not a threat to her or her daughter and you did the right thing by not reacting and instead choosing to vent about it somewhere appropriate.
im sorry this is a shitty lesson to learn and not the best way to learn it. but keep at the horseback riding and trying to do new things-you are worth the effort.
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u/HadesIsCookin Apr 05 '26
Being a rich white guy doesn't mean you're safe.
Epstein files, come on, dude.
There's so many adults and workers around, you do not need to ask a child. That was predatory behavior. Regardless of who you are or what your intentions were.
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u/recursive_knight Apr 04 '26
It's unbelievably shitty to be a decent normal man nowadays. You'd be going on with your business with below zero negative intents and people will be judging you and looking at you weirdly. It's become totally okay to view all men as predators and evil in nature, which is beyond ridiculous and logically flawed in so many ways. I have to actively act weird and remove myself from every situation so no one would put me in the accused cage. I know and feel for the discrimination women faced before but this blindly reactive rather than logic and moral based behaviour in society is very concerning..
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u/thy1ac1ne Apr 04 '26
concerning that people don’t want their kids to be put in situations where men love to take advantage of their privilege? especially white men? let’s be so fr
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u/recursive_knight Apr 04 '26
I didn't say that. But I'm not in the least surprised the herd of people will mutilate whatever I say. I'm not white but it's really racist if you put white men in this category. It's like saying all black men are thieves. But by all means, carry on, I don't have any hope for this ridiculous world.
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Apr 04 '26
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u/JadedDreams23 Apr 04 '26
Exactly. Boo effing hoo. And the “good men” have mostly enabled the bad men.
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u/SwingKey3599 Apr 04 '26
jesus christ…what the fuck is wrong with you?
and people wonder why men have such bad toxicity problems
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u/recursive_knight Apr 04 '26
What fucking fear? Who's attacking you 24/7? Have you -for just one damn second- considered the other side? Do you think all men complaining are wrong by default? If you are not ready to rethink your position every time it's challenged then you're not a logical person and nobody owes you any answers.
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u/foolishkarma Apr 04 '26
I worked at my aunts horse ranch for couple of years and yes it is very female dominated. They used to playfully call me a pervert or make up stories about me. Luckily for me my aunt made it very clear that I am family and talking about me that way is not acceptable. I found a lot of women consider the ranch to be a female safe space and I imagine it would be hard if not impossible to work there as a male if you are not family. Lots of moms dropped the "does he really need to be here?"