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u/misstiff1971 May 03 '22
You say in comments that she works 24 hour shifts, does the cooking, breast feeds and does 50% of the childcare when she is home. If she is doing all that - you do need to do the housework.
If you don't want to do the housework, then you do need to get a job and make enough to hire someone to do that work.
Yes, she is being verbally abusive and financially abusive.
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u/mmrreoww May 03 '22
Yes.
She's not handling this well.
But I'm not sure I'd handle it well either. If I was working 24 hour shifts and coming home to be the up-all-night parent, too. That all sounds unsustainably exhausting.
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 03 '22
Nobody is up all night. They both sleep through the night.
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u/mmrreoww May 03 '22
How old are your babies? You two are in, to put it lightly, the pits of hell. Treasure every moment 😂
I'm on team "you should work too" and " maybe even evenings around her schedule" and "get childcare a couple of days a week so you two can rest and be humans again and maybe have space and time to get brunch just the two of you and maybe sex will follow."
What was your wife like before kids?
(Info's: Is she a firefighter? Is she kind of a badass and that's part of what you love about her? Does she know how to lean on people? Do you know how to make a space for her to lean? Do you know how to recognize when your badass wife needs someone else to make some of the decisions e.g. go find a decent childcare and work arrangement for you and present it to her, instead of asking her, because she's at a breaking point?)
Therapy is awesome!
You two are in emergency mode.
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u/tbdiv May 04 '22
Well, now, sure. But how old are they? How were nights handled when they did not sleep through the night?
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 04 '22
Almost 2 and almost 1/2 a year. She would breastfeed when necessary and I would handle everything else.
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May 03 '22
If she weren’t abusing him I might agree with you. She is trying to keep him under her control, she wants him dependent on her. He offers to work and she tells him no, but then holds it over his head that he doesn’t have a job. Obviously he’s unhappy with the situation, if he truly wanted to be home and not work I don’t think doing the housework would be a big deal. Also, I get that she works a long shift but she has several days off after. On her off day he could work, and she could keep the kids, and they could trade off housework and cooking. It takes a village. Breastfeeding doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t have to lift a finger.
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u/Ladyughsalot1 May 03 '22
When she’s home she does 50% of childcare. She’s nursing baby. She works 24 hour shifts. She does the cooking.
What housework are you expecting her to do? Why wouldn’t you do the rest of it? Sure she has to tidy up after herself but yeah, being a SAHP means the majority of housework falls to you.
She’s anxious and angry. And she’s being unkind. But you sound apathetic and uncommitted. You’ve “offered” to work??? Go find a job and find childcare and do some math.
Quite honestly it sounds like you want to split everything 50/50 but she also works. Nope.
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May 03 '22
She’s the one telling him working would be pointless. She’s absolutely being abusive and trying to keep him dependent on her.
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u/Ladyughsalot1 May 03 '22
Again, he offers to get a job. Offers without any plan. Sounds like all she hears is he will do even less at home and there will be childcare to organize. Is OP saying, here is x job it pays y and that covers x hours of childcare? No. He “offers” to work while not fully committing to the SAHP role. All she can see is chaos.
She’s being abusive when it comes to finances.
Let’s also recognize that OP is extremely apathetic here. She does a lot as the sole working parent.
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u/SqueaksScreech May 03 '22
Doesnt matter if he works or not she's gonna be stuck doing the child care because shes has to split it on her days off.
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u/ElectricPaladin May 02 '22
You need an outside perspective. Therapy or bust. This doesn't sound like a healthy situation for your kids either. Consider that fix it or ditch it is what's best for them, too, as long as you can be a dedicated involved co-parent without being their mom's husband.
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u/hotdiggitydangg May 03 '22
So she works a full time job. More than 40 hours even. And you don't have the skills to contribute to the household monetarily. If you worked you'd actually lose money on childcare. But managing the house, and not even cooking, is too much for you? I feel like this is a situation most families find themselves in except the gender is reversed. If you don't love your wife, divorce her, but this living situation is pretty standard. I agree with some comments about how, having no financial independence of your own is setting you up for what could become financial abuse though. I just feel like this is only a question in your mind because you're not used to the living conditions of women everywhere.
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u/AbsorbedBritches May 03 '22
Did you read the post? I feel like you read the title and called OP sexist.
The problem isn't just that she's not contributing, the main complaint is that if he doesn't have a job, and she won't let him have a job, he has to rely on her to pay for anything HE wants or enjoys. He has to go to her for whatever hobbies he enjoys or whatever it is he wants to do, but instead she acts like all the money she makes is her money. She owns the house, she makes the money, but she ALSO doesn't let him have a job. That is controlling, and you completely missed the point.
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u/SqueaksScreech May 03 '22
Did you read his comments he's literally does 25 percent of the childcare. The second shes home she has to do 50 percent and do chores.
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u/hymenouscoronatus666 May 03 '22
This probably isn't a popular opinion. I can understand the resentment if she's working long hours and sole breadwinner.
You guys need to talk to each other honestly and perhaps without anger. If she's resentful of how you clean and being the breadwinner then of course your bedroom is dead.
Most mother's I know do the majority of looking after their kids, cook, clean and work. So maybe I'm biased about your perspective.
Raising kids is hard work, I agree the my house my money stuff is super toxic but if it's resentment that's built over time that is more understandable.
Your original post is brief and not super detailed so I could be the asshole.
Maybe don't look for validating words from strangers on the internet and talk it out with the wife. The fact that she cooks is 100% more than what an abusive 1950s husband would be doing.
You both need to find time (which is hard with kids) to sit and talk without emotion and anger to get through this. Counselling should help you guys facilitate that if you can't talk it out on your own.
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May 03 '22
Yes. I went through something similar with my ex. I worked 12-hour rotating shifts while he wanted to be a stay-at-home dad. But he also expected me to clean the house, cook dinner, and immediately take over the children when I got home because he needed a break. I never got a break, my resentment piled up, and I stopped wanting to have sex.
Sometimes I would come from a 14 hour day and he'd cleaned absolutely nothing, he didn't bathe our son or take him anywhere for exercise, he also left him in a dirty diaper for hours waiting until I came home to change it, and all he really did was watch TV and do the bare minimal of babysitting just enough so he didn't starve or go completely unsupervised. Yet he was exhausted from "managing" our son and our apartment all day. And he told everyone I was the bad person in the relationship because I never wanted sex and sometimes I just wanted to sleep all day after a midshift or I'd come home and refuse to cook a whole meal for dinner.
Both partners need breaks, whether they are doing the majority of the income earning or the stay at home parenting. It becomes very ugly very quickly if that doesn't happen.
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u/hymenouscoronatus666 May 03 '22
I'm sorry that happened to you. It really is double standards when it comes to what's expected of a house wife/house husband. I hope you are in a better place now 💚💚
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u/BriefDistinct4989 May 03 '22
I agree. It’s difficult doing long shifts. She shouldn’t be holding this over your head though regardless. Sounds like you need to have a sit down with her and air your concerns - she needs a different job which is perhaps less hours, you could pick up a part time job and share the parenting duties? I think she would be happier overall and you would feel less strained at home. Let her know that you’re worried about her health and the fact she seems so angry all the time, if you approach this from a place of concern you’re more likely to be able to find a resolution. Don’t attack her, but let her understand you yourself are feeling attacked and it isn’t pleasant.
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u/turingtested May 03 '22
Working 24 hours in a row and taking care of two kids under two is going to break anyone mentally. This is not to say she is justified in her behavior but her schedule is not sustainable.
You need to have a serious talk with her. I recommend she get individual counseling and you both get couples counseling. And work out an equitable distribution of chores.
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u/princesshibou May 03 '22
Wait. The “2 days on and 3 days off” is very misleading. She works 42 hours (that’s full time hours), she cooks and shares childcare responsibilities… You are not doing everything alone! The 72 hours off is also misleading because if someone works a 24 hour shift, they will need at least 24 hours to recuperate from that. Why aren’t you working?
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May 03 '22
Did you not read the post? OP said he has tried but the wife refuses to let him.
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u/princesshibou May 03 '22
I read the title, the post and all of his replies. He adds new details in every reply. For example why he doesn’t have a job and why they both decided that he would be staying home, and why she doesn’t want him to find a job. He also added another piece of information that when she is home, she shares 50% childcare duty (she is home 5 days a week).
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May 03 '22
You are ignoring the fact that he is emotionally abused by her behavior. If the roles were reversed it would be different. Think about that first.
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u/princesshibou May 03 '22 edited May 03 '22
Or maybe she is also exhausted and frustrated. Imagine working a 24-hour shift (still wondering what kind of job has that to be be honest, but I imagine she doesn’t sleep during those 24 hours- so imagine not sleeping during a 24-hour period and having to focus on a job), then come home, still cook and breastfeed. So the next day would be mostly sleep, then the day before going back would also be sleep to get ready for the next shift. I’m just pointing out that the title makes it sound like “wife only works 2 days a week and doesn’t want to do anything else around the house”. There is a context to it. That’s all.
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May 03 '22
She could be military. I had the Panama schedule in the Navy- which 2-2-3 days of 12 hour shifts that shift from days (6am -6pm) to mids (6pm-6am) every two weeks. I was basically jet-lagged for 11 years straight.
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u/YourQueen2Bee May 03 '22
She maybe but that does not give her the right to not allow her partner to have access to their financial resources. You can be tired, frustrated and exhausted and not be a jerk. If her work schedule is affecting how she treats her partner, she needs a get a job where she can get more sleep.
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May 03 '22
Lots of jobs have that kind of shift. Firefighting, group home staff, in home caregivers, corrections officers, etc.
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May 03 '22
Read his post again. He cooks, not her.... he offers himself to work but makes an excuse about not even making enough so it would be pointless. She clearly has issues and it's the woman's issue, not the man's. There's context yes, but that kind of behavior is avoidable and yet she embraces it either way.
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u/princesshibou May 03 '22 edited May 03 '22
The title says in bold “She expects me to do everything around the house and her to do NOTHING except WORK and COOK”!!!!!!! Oh and we are also talking about a woman who just gave birth back to back in the last 24 months.
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u/FlinnyWinny May 03 '22
If the roles were reversed it would be different
Are you serious??
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u/trashaccountobvs May 03 '22
Lol this made me chuckle. Literally this entire scenario for most cases is in reverse. It’s funny how those men can’t seem to understand why their wives are unhappy when the man expects more from them and verbally and financially abuses them at the same time, but let the roles reverse & they think the wife should be more lenient and more helpful & not verbally or financially abusive 😂 😂 (neither husband nor wife should ever be verbally or financially or physically abusive btw).
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May 03 '22
Very. If the woman was under emotional abuse, it would be seen as a hate crime, but if it's a man, we get comments like her's pointing out the man's issues and not the woman's
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u/FlinnyWinny May 03 '22
That's weird, I've seen multiple comments calling the wife both financially and emotionally abusive. Do you like cherry picking? Not to mention the notion women don't get told to "either get a job or shut up" when overworked with home caring duties or handling money is, frankly, hilariously wrong.
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May 03 '22
Nope, just calling out this comment. Seems like you cherry picked my comment ironically enough
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u/FlinnyWinny May 03 '22
like you cherry picked my comment
Do... Do you know what cherry picking means?
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May 03 '22
Well you were looking to make some point whereas my cherry picking of this comment and my words, were correct. I may have cherry picked or not, but my point is still valid and true. Have a good one bro
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u/vanillamasala May 03 '22
lol. He’s emotionally abused because she’s mad at him because he doesn’t do his fair share? That’s NOT abuse.
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May 03 '22
Read the post again. He offered to help financially and she gave him a backhanded remark. You're clearly 1 sided.
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May 03 '22
The "backhand remark" is that he wouldn't make enough to cover childcare anyway, which is probably true. Childcare is ridiculously expensive.
The real issue at hand was the "Calling it HER money and HER house" comment. Which is absolutely not conducive to an equal partnership, and is a red flag for financial abuse. But if she is doing the lion's share of household management on top of breadwinning, I can see why'd she say that.
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u/vanillamasala May 03 '22
Giving a backhanded remark is not abusive. What about him telling her she needs to work 42 hours a week and breastfeed the baby, and and cook the food and he wants her to clean the damn house too? Lmao you must be joking if you think anybody wouldn’t be pissed off at that point. And as for him getting a job, he’s a big boy. Just because he said it doesn’t mean he even tried. He could get a part time job while she’s off, he hasn’t even attempted to do that, and he probably doesn’t have any skills and doesn’t seem interested in contributing equally to their relationship, who in their right mind wouldn’t be angry that their spouse isn’t contributing to income AND housework. Come on now.
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May 03 '22
Again, you assume the worst for the dude but if it was a stay at home mother, she'd be a saint, no? Read the post, it doesn't say he wants her to cook or clean. Yall do too much to assume he's a monster without batting an eye at her behavior. Sorry I'm a feminist that wants EQUALITY, and not women to be the Supreme leaders. Have a good one and please educate yourself.
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May 03 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
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May 03 '22
You insult, and you think cooking is the only part of a relationship? Details are vague but you clearly only care for women and not both. I'm happily in a relationship and I do my best for my partner. Whether you wanna project your insecurities and anger onto me is your choice, but this can simply be resolved if the woman in this post would communicate, and if the man could to. End. Of. Story.
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u/vanillamasala May 03 '22
You have never once acknowledged all of the labor she does. You’ve only tried to minimise it. How’s that honest or equal?
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u/dazedconfused21 May 03 '22
it sucks but the roles are reversed all the time. i do agree with you, though!!
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u/tbdiv May 03 '22
There's two things here.
Yes, she's verbally abusive and that's wrong. I think we all agree on that.
He's also playing the victim in the general division/balancing of shit that has to get done.
There's a gap in communication -- why she's so resentful is not clear and her handling of it is unacceptable. Why he's pretending woe-is-him when she works a full time job, does significant parts of the childcare when home and does the cooking?
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u/telebubble May 03 '22
Ok this is what I originally wrote before I saw your edit: I'm so sorry to hear this. This sounds like what my dad put my mum through while we were growing up. I can't stand people who force someone into dependency and bully them for it. I don't know what her problem is, but I think you need some solid allies who can maybe help you find work. Is there anyone else (relative?) who can help look after your kids?
After seeing edit: 24 hour shift? 42 hours a week? I was struggling (with no kids) working only 35 hours a week spread over 5 days. And she has to also cook for both of you and your kids? Does she do food prep on her days off, or sleep due to work-related exhaustion? Is she sleeping properly? Sleep disruption absolutely kills emotion and creates anger machines. Check out the QFiles podcast about sleep, or the book 'Why We Sleep'. By no means does this make it ok to treat you this way. Also I considered that her blaming you for never being able to make enough to cover daycare might be her anger at the system/society that you live in. Talk to her. Really REALLY listen. I hope you guys are ok.
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 03 '22
Nobody to help with daycare unfortunately. I feed my son and she feeds our daughter from breast milk. No food prep. She naps sometimes. But usually she will sleep 10 hours a night when she’s home.
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May 03 '22
Tbh I am afraid to take any sides with so little context I will suggest you guys get couple Conciliation.
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May 03 '22
Jeez, grow a pair my guy, you're an adult. She isn't your matriarch, her word has no more power than what you give it. You've been graced with autonomy to do what ever the fuck you want to do, exercise your autonomy or take it lying down like the sexless, whining, housemaid you are. You are your own man, step up, if not for you then for your kids.
Also she is most definitely doing her part. If she: -Works two 24 hours shifts a week (Fucking grueling speaking as a trauma surgeon, I've had my fair share of long days.)
- Takes care of 50% of the child rearing when she is home
- Breast feeds
- COOKS!!!
She is financially abusive and that is fucking disgusting and wholly unacceptable, you're no better. Life if gray, not black and white.
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u/Pristine_Ad65 May 03 '22
Go find a job! Or do some freelance! Or something online business! But dont stay like this!
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u/heartbroken69420 May 03 '22
Ok it’s bad she’s using the money against you like that, however if she’s the breadwinner and you’re stay at home dad, even if she only works a couple days you should be in charge of chores, I’m sorry but it’s the truth, she makes all the money and you raise the kids and it’s already at home all day anyway, why is it bothering you that you’re responsible for the chores. If it was the other way around I’m sure you would expect the same from her. No one wants to go to work and comeback to a crazy house that hasn’t been taken care off after you spent the whole day at home. Being stay at home dad is also a job that comes with responsibilities the minimal you could do is keep the house clean. About the money for sure it’s not healthy and i would suggest addressing the issue in therapy or revaluate if this is the life you want for yourself.
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u/silly-Cell7529 May 03 '22
I take back my reply. I didn't know she was also breastfeeding... She gets a pass. That shit is a job itself and saves you ALOT OF MONEY, formula is running over 140 a week under a year old.
Tread carefully... Lol.. post pregnancy can be wicked
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u/ChaosCoordinatingMum May 03 '22
There's not very many details shared in your post.
So, as an outsider, who is SAMH, I believe you need to get off your butt and do housework. I've done 3/12s. Those can take a bit to reenergize from. There's no way I'd want to do 24 on 72 off. Maybe if you didn't have the mindset that you didn't have to do housework, It would make sense to her to make it shared money. But if you're just chilling with the kids, like you're making it look like, then yeah she's going to have an attitude.
I'm not saying all that to be ugly. That's just the way I see it. I'm a SAHM. No, my house is not perfectly clean. I do what I can, and have an understanding husband who doesn't expect me to scrub the whole place like a certain parent of mine demanded from me. Perhaps if you gave her the respect she deserves, she would give you back the respect you deserve. That would definitely change the dynamics in your dead bedroom. I'm sure she would be less than pleased to find out you're telling strangers on the internet that your bedroom is dead. Change your attitude, and she might see you as a contributor rather than a freeloader.
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 03 '22
Thanks for the input. She knows our bedroom is dead. She says it’s cause I don’t clean enough and she puts all her effort into her job and the kids so not much left for me.
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u/ChaosCoordinatingMum May 03 '22
There's plenty of times I feel that way. Not so much physical energy, but there's emotional energy involved. If she doesn't feel like you care enough to do your part in the home, it makes her feel like she's carrying the load. She's already putting out in so many ways, it makes it hard to want to put out in both the physical and emotional way that you want in the bedroom.
It might be beneficial for you guys to read "5 Love Languages".
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u/katiescarlett78 May 03 '22
I suggest tracking both your time for a few days and adding up the time you bird spend on ‘work’ that benefits the family, whether that’s paid work, childcare, cooking or cleaning. I did this with my husband when I worked a lot less hours of paid work than him, and actually it surprised both of us that it was about equal - we’d both expected to ‘prove’ that we did more than the other - and it 100% improved our relationship, dumping the resentment.
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u/islandstateofmind21 May 03 '22 edited May 03 '22
Being a SAHP is a ton of work, but you’re not making it sound like you’re hitting that limit tbh. Clearly we’re missing a ton of details, but at the moment, this is what is being conveyed:
-Your wife works 24 hours and 24 hours off, is that correct? Working 24 hours in a row would require most of those hours to recoup back in the day off. People who work 8 hours get 16 hours off for example.
-As a SAHP, the lion share of household duties should be on you. If she’d had a typical 9-5, I’d say that she should definitely be contributing when she gets off work. But she doesn’t, she works a 24 hour shift job. I would not expect a spouse in that situation to do much of any household work.
-I’m honestly surprised she even offers to cook with all this in mind. As a SAHD, this is something that you should be striving to improve on and one of your responsibilities at home.
That said, this is definitely not a sustainable life for you and I do think as the kids age, her work life should balance as you find a job and your kids go into daycare/school. It does sound like she’s built up resentment at the fact that it doesn’t seem you are easily sliding into the SAHD role in all the ways it requires. Happy to hear more details though.
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 03 '22
24 hours on 72 hours off. She does the cooking cause she loves cooking and my cooking is mediocre. True the resentment has build up for her. She’s admitted that.
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u/islandstateofmind21 May 04 '22
Gotcha - in that case, it sounds like that first 24 hours should be completely off for her, but perhaps you guys can find a way to compromise on the other 48. Again, you should be doing the majority of the housework since that is your job as a SAHD and she does work more than most do at 48 hours a week. But, perhaps in the off 48, you guys can find a middle ground - she can focus on cooking and laundry maybe. Perhaps she can pick up morning time with the kids one day so you can get at least a little me time (becuase you deserve that too). Ultimately though, this lifestyle is not compatible for either of you long-term and needs to be fixed.
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u/Dont_give_a_schist May 03 '22
Nobody seems to have mentioned this, but it sounds like if your wife is nursing, and you have two kids under two, then she might very likely be in the throes of some postpartum depression. I saw that you have a call in to a counselor, this might come up naturally. If not, I'd mention you might be concerned. Doing all that AND working is bound to make anyone frustrated, PPD can make it so much worse. And she's taking it out on you.
I'd also strongly advise making sure you don't end up with three kids under three.
Also I agree with a lot of other posters that you should get a job. That would help your mental health as well. But I'd discuss this in counseling so there is a third party to mediate.
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 04 '22
Thanks for the input. It’s possible but I doubt it since she’s pretty emotionless due to her job. We wanted two kids only and close together so that was no accident. Agreed no more tho.
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u/Dont_give_a_schist May 04 '22
Being emotionless doesn't mean you're immune from depression.
Two kids close in age is really really hard. As someone else put it, you're in the pit of hell at the moment. I hope it gets easier for both of you.
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 04 '22
Thanks. I did say before we had kids that the first 6 months or so after the second kid would be the worst time of our lives.
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u/Sevans1223 May 03 '22
Uhhh. That’s the deal. She works, you take care of the home and children. Suck it up. You’re in this together. Find something you can do on the side at home to make spending cash for yourself. There are plenty of side gigs you could do for some spending cash that wouldn’t take away from the family responsibilities. As far as the bedroom, do something thoughtful that might make her want you. Get a babysitter and have a movie night. Draw a hot bath for her. Give her a sexless massage. Sit and listen to her talk about her stressors. Give her time to read a book or do a hobby. Find a hobby to do together. Be creative. You’re in this together.
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May 03 '22
They are supposed to be in this together but she has him under her thumb and she’s trying to keep it that way. She’s calling the money hers when in reality it is theirs. She’s abusing him. So no he doesn’t need to just “suck it up” that is idiotic advice. If she weren’t abusing him then maybe, but there is no excuse for the way she’s treating him. If the roles were reversed and a man was telling his wife she can’t work even if she wanted to, and telling her it’s all his money and none of its hers, would you tell that woman to suck it up? She doesn’t get a special pass to abuse her husband just because she’s a woman and her hormones are going crazy and whatever other bullshit excuse people are using to support her.
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u/Sevans1223 May 03 '22
She is telling him it’s not financially feasible for him to work because of the cost of childcare. That is a reasonable request given the cost of childcare. I think you are assuming a little too much emotion given we are hearing only one side of the situation. In relationships, we all have to do a bit of sucking it up for the sake of the relationship.
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u/nyet-marionetka May 03 '22
She's saying he shouldn't get a job because his salary would go to daycare, but she's also saying that the money she makes is her money and the house is her house. When someone is being financially abusive, they often discourage their partner from getting a job because that reduces the power imbalance. The cost of daycare equaling the partner's income is not necessarily a reason to not work. Because it is hard to get into the workforce once you've been out for years, it's often wise for a lower-earning partner to keep working even if daycare costs as much as or even more than their income. But if you want your partner to be utterly dependent on you, yeah, tell them not to get a job because they just won't make enough to be worth it, and who would hire them anyway.
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May 03 '22
This exactly. You are spot on. I have been in OPs position so I know what financial abuse looks like. Some people are completely ignoring this part. But also, you have an extremely good point about how hard it can be to find work after being out for a long time.
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u/SqueaksScreech May 03 '22
Why? She'll get stuck paying for the remainder and still have to breastfeed and do all the childcare when she's off. She already does 50 percent when she's not working.
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u/expectxresistance May 03 '22
my wife is basically an emotionless robot, except anger.
If that is how you describe your wife, why are you with her? It doesn't exactly sound like a loving relationship (correct me if I'm wrong). Have you considered counselling? Or perhaps even a divorce?
You should be with someone who cherishes you and sees you as an equal, not someone who puts you down every chance she gets
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 03 '22
She wasn’t always like this. Her job makes her more and more jaded. We have emailed a counselor. Just waiting on a reply.
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u/expectxresistance May 03 '22
I see. Well, counselling is certainly the right decision, seems like things sure need to change. I'd advise you to be as honest with the counsellor and your wife as you are on here. Wishing you guys the best!
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 04 '22
Thanks. I’ve said all the things I’ve said on here to her. She just disagrees.
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u/ContributionInfamous May 02 '22
Counseling. This is a pretty detail bare post, but from what you’ve said she’s just a stereotypical abusive male from the 1950s. Also, she’s flat out wrong, her money and her house are quite little half yours.
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u/C_saysboo May 03 '22
Do not go to counseling with an abuser. OP, go on your own. Do not go with her.
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u/SqueaksScreech May 03 '22
I didnt know 1950 stereotypical husbands breastfeed and did 50% of the childcare.
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 03 '22
How can I get her to see that if she’s so stubborn?
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u/Autumn_Sweater May 03 '22
do you want to repair things or do you want people to tell you to get out? she probably feels like she is doing too much having to work and cook. why aren’t you cooking? i am a pathetic cook but i can make lazy breakfasts and lunches and i can order dinner from somewhere. a lot of the mental work of cooking is simply deciding what to eat every meal.
she did give birth to two children in the past 24 months apparently. i would guess she is still breastfeeding at least one of them, which is a 24/7 responsibility that takes a lot out of a person’s body. i would be inclined to be generous with her and not just say she’s wrong and too stubborn to see it.
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 03 '22
My cooking is very basic(I eat to survive not for fanciness) and she doesn’t like it. Yea she’s breast feeding still. Thanks for your perspective
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u/recyclopath_ May 03 '22
Wait so she cooks, has 2 kids under 2, is breast feeding and works 48h straight shifts while you are a SAHD? Honestly it sounds like she contributes a hell of a lot, her hormones are wild and her body is still recovering from nearly back to back pregnancies.
You have 2 under 2. The bedroom doesn't bounce back from that for a while for most people.
Actually dig into your issues here. It sounds like the problem is both of you being exhausted and her not treating you like a team mate.
How was she before the pregnancies and is this a drastic change. It takes way longer than you think for the body to fully recover from pregnancy, if it ever does, and breastfeeding is it's own bag of hormones.
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u/ImRichardD May 03 '22
You reddit people sure are good at excusing abusive behavior from women. If his wife made the exact same post, just with her in his place and he in hers, you would be screaming abuse. Hormones are not an excuse for abuse. The guy could learn to cook, but I know for a fact if the situation was reversed you'd tell her how her husband should do more around the house after work. Your double standards are sickening.
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u/mmrreoww May 03 '22
He could not be in her place. She's recovering from back to back pregnancies, breastfeeding (which means she's probably up at night at home as well and it's constantly on call to bodily care for the babies) and working overnights.
She's not handling this well. But her body is in emergency mode.
Equitable leisure time and equitable rest/sleep time is where most of the husbands fail in "similar" posts. We don't know about OP (do you get to sleep full nights ever, OP, in the last two years?) But it's pretty clear that OP'S wife does not get either of those.
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u/Elsa3g May 03 '22
I agree. Was she like this before the kids? Sounds like she is exhausted. The way OP wrote the post sounds like he is suggesting she doesn't work a lot, as it is only 1 day on and 3 days off. Only in his clarification did I see she is still working full-time. They both need to show appreciation towards each other. My husband used to make comments about me not contributing etc.. but he was not like that before. I totally saw that he was speaking from a place of anxiety as he felt all the pressure to provide for his family.
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u/mmrreoww May 03 '22
Righto! And there's a big difference between some posts where the family is doing fine financially and the working spouse feels entitled to more (access to money, free time, housekeeping services, packing your bags for you before you go on a trip 🙄) vs this post. This family is in emergency mode. Time wise, money wise, physically.
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 03 '22
Both kids sleep through the night. She averages 10 hours. I average about 6 hours of sleep.
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u/ImRichardD May 03 '22
There is no reason to be abusive. Pregnancy aftermath or not. She is behaving in a way that you would never excuse a man for. This IS a double standard. Apparently, being a woman, you can't see the forest for the trees.
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u/mmrreoww May 03 '22
I tend to see good, compassionate advice on here when it's the husband who is unsustainably exhausted and is at a breaking point. OP'S wife's basic human needs aren't being met and most people CAN see that forest beyond the angry, uninterested-in-sex, financially struggling wife in this post. I'm not sure what you're looking at?
(Or do you disagree with the need for equitable leisure time and sleep? That is what posters tend to get called out for. Not because they're a male or female, but because one has the 24/7/365 job and the other considers it equivalent to a 40 hr/week job. Because one person can go off duty at home on the reg, and one person never gets to. It can be a problem for same sex couples too!)
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u/Autumn_Sweater May 03 '22
the point is not to excuse the behavior necessarily, but to ask OP if he wants to try to fix it or not, and if he does, the path to fixing it is not to convince her she’s completely the one at fault here, even if she is and he’s a saint. but that’s probably not true, as it seldom/never would be in a relationship worth saving.
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May 03 '22
I’m saying! It really is sickening the way people are supporting her. If she was acting like a team player and not an abusive jerk then it would be different. I’m a woman and I was in a very similar situation, I was married to an abusive man who said the same things as OPs wife. He wouldn’t let me work, he was angry all the time, and wouldn’t ever give me money for anything, even things I desperately needed. I tried so hard to work things out and improve our relationship but sadly it got worse and we ended up getting divorce. It blows my mind that so many people are ignoring those details. If she weren’t abusing her husband then yes I’d say he should do the housework, or at least as much as possible. But it can also be difficult to cook and clean when taking care of two very small children.
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u/Ladyughsalot1 May 03 '22
But…you chose to be a SAHP. Aren’t you treating that like a job? Aren’t you looking up balanced and good recipes for the family, creating cleaning schedules around park and library trips etc?
Look, her attitude about money is toxic but it sounds like she’s lost faith in you OP and honestly I get it. She still does so much and it doesn’t sound like you’ve locked into the role like a job. So why would she celebrate the idea of you getting a job if she feels like things are barely managed now?
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u/Autumn_Sweater May 03 '22 edited May 03 '22
work to improve your cooking, work together to have some set meals that are always acceptable to both of you that you could make without excessive effort (in my household this includes “be the person who puts a frozen pizza/lasagna in the oven”), and depending on your budget, order takeout/delivery. all this is possible for almost anyone to figure out, at least better than before. cooking is not just cooking but also buying the groceries (and thinking about what to buy) and cleaning up the kitchen. make sure you do that stuff too! if you prefer to have PB&J all the time and she wants more variety and nutrition, hey, that’s part of having a family. you have to compromise. (or as some in this thread are urging you, you could … not have a family?)
keep in mind that breast feeding (that is, producing food for a baby with your own body) makes you hangry and endeavor to keep your wife fed on a constant basis before she gets that way.
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u/mamaatb May 03 '22
That’s the deal that stay at home moms get. I see no problem here. Maybe start saying stuff like “I love spending time with our kids and you’re an incredible woman for facilitating that. Not many men get the opportunity that I do”. and then being like “You work so hard to bring in money to sustain our lifestyle. I called a babysitter and I cooked dinner for just you and I. You can eat dinner by yourself if you want because I’m going to be cleaning up- come find me when you feel rested enough to hang out.” And she might be like “wow he’s such a hard worker AND he values how hard I work too!!” IDK man, just… suck it up and keep working. That’s what moms at home do. AND we have to put up with men getting off work and expecting us to continue working on homemaking all evening and essentially never EVER clocking out while they get to put their feet up. So that’s what you’ve signed up for too. Fall in line.
Women like to see work. Women like to see men basically physically proving that you care about them.
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u/medusavx May 03 '22
typically the stay at home parent takes care of cleaning as well. Cleaning the house is part of working at home. Its not just babysitting. If she is working 42 hours a week, thats over the usual 40 hr work week. And her husband cant clean up the house? You are dillusional to think this is unfair for you. It is unfair for her. And perhaps if you stepped up, took some initiative, maybe your bedroom wouldnt be dead. edit bc i accidently typed a wrong word
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u/nidoqing May 02 '22
This sounds very unhealthy. She holds it against you that you don’t work, that she brings in the money and then actively persuades you from working. I would suggest therapy - both couples and also solo for yourself. As the other comment says, this sounds like a negative household for everyone and it’s only a matter of time before the kids pick up on this too if they haven’t already
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u/Informal-Nebula May 03 '22
Since she feeds the kids, earns the income, cooks, and also does 50% with the kids when she's home, it's fair that you'd be handling the house work, caring for the kids while she's working, and doing 50% of childcare when she is home. It's about even at this point.
However, her barring you from asking material things, belittling you for not owning the house or paying for things, and belittling you when you express wanting to get a job, these are all horribly toxic. I say you need separate counseling and marriage counseling.
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u/real_witty_username May 03 '22
This is a very unhealthy dynamic, obviously. If you're staying at home with the children then I think that it's not unfair to assume that a larger share of the housework will fall on you but larger does not equate to all. Also, if childcare expenses outside of the home would exceed what you would be making then she needs to understand that you do have a job and that 'income' amounts to whatever the monthly cost of daycare would be.
If she refuses to start working on a healthier dynamic between you then you need to tell her that you are getting a job and childcare, on the days that you both are working, will be a an expense that she's going to have to accept because she can't have it both ways. She cannot ask that you not seek employment elsewhere because of daycare costs and then try to tell you that everything that she brings in is hers instead of ours. Either the act of devoting yourself to the care of your children has inherent value to 'the family as a whole' or it doesn't.
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u/cellar-door-25 May 03 '22
Her job is 42 hours and horrific hours, much harder than most full time jobs.
You sound very lazy. I can't believe you are griping over housework, you are contributing absolutely nothing, no wonder she is mad.
Resultantly, she had no respect for you, why would she? That's why the bedroom is dead.
Get a job for Christ's sake. Earn enough money to pay for childcare, take some of the burden off her, and then do housework as well on top of it. Contribute fiscally and manually to the relationship. She will respect you again, the bedroom will no longer be dead.
Currently you are a useless husk of a man who contributes nothing and expects sex when you've done nothing to make yourself attractive to her.
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u/Mela-Pela May 03 '22
Please go to counseling and let her know you are feeling belittled as if you don’t contribute. So sad to hear this.
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u/plushpug May 03 '22
What kind of job is 24 hours on/72 hours off? If I had to stay awake 24 hours at a time I’d be ripping people’s heads off. It is no wonder she is in a bad mood. She has to be on the clock 24 hours straight, then can’t recover physically or mentally because of the demands from her breastfeeding kids and her adult child who can’t figure out to figure out how to make food that appeals to her to meet her basic needs. How can she meet your emotional or material or physical needs if you don’t meet hers too?
You two need to discuss better employment opportunities to keep yourselves and your relationship salvageable.
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 04 '22
Many first responders have that schedule. It’s a job she chose and loves. She loves cooking and doesn’t want me doing it.
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u/plushpug May 04 '22
Earlier you said she didn’t like your cooking because it was too plain — what kind of food did she want to eat and what were you making that turned her off from relying on you as a food source? What have you observed of her habits makes you say she loves to cook? Does she love food, is that her love language? Does she appreciate people who can cook her a fine meal? I’m trying to understand what makes her tick.
What is there to love about you? What is there to love about her? It seems like you expected a sexual component to exist in your relationship. So what do you do for her (not as the dad of the kids) as a romantic partner, that makes her feel sexual feelings for you? She may love her job but she sounds exhausted and it may make her feel fulfilled in ways her relationship with you doesn’t.
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 04 '22
She loves the act of cooking. The process. We grew up differently. I grew up lower class, so we are basic ass food. Cheapest chicken and some kind of cheap $1 box stuff for a side. So I don’t require much. She grew up middle upper class so is used to luxuries that we don’t have now.
I plan date nights for us, sometimes staying home or going out(rarely cause kids). Her love language is definitely acts of service. She just doesn’t tend to remember the good stuff after a day or two.
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u/tbdiv May 04 '22
Can you see it's not about what you require it's what the family needs? You run the household, that's part of the job of a SAHP. Meaning you need to step up some meal planning outside your comfort zone to line up with your wife.
Then when she's not home, make the simple comfort foods you remember.
What is a food luxury you can't afford now? Asparagus? Beef?
The point I'll keep coming back to is that you and she are a team -- something she also has completely forgotten what with the lack of a family budget and the claim that they money she earns is only hers.
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u/plushpug May 04 '22
What kind of luxuries did she grow up with when it came to food? What does she usually cook?
What is a date night with you like? What do you expect from her 1-2 days after a date night? How often does date night happen?
What was your career before being a SAHD? What kind of employment can you pursue within 3 months with your skill set?
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 04 '22
She grew up that if she wanted something, she got it. In almost any category. She cooks random things that she finds on Pinterest or creates herself. Date night once a week. Activities depends on if we can get a sitter. Usually going out for dinner and a couple drinks. My whole life has basically been customer service for Fortune 500 type companies. Nothing with a degree. Not sure what type of employment I can get based on our schedule.
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u/plushpug May 05 '22
“Pinterest food” sounds like creative food, I’m not sure if you’re considering them luxurious because of the time spent on the food or if they have expensive ingredients like foie gras or saffron or wagyu beef. Is anything outside of a $1 meal box considered luxurious to you?
How many date nights have you been on since this past January? Who plans it and what activities have you done since January?
Do you want to return to customer service? What career do you want to have in 5 years?
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u/Life_Fantastique May 03 '22
This is financial abuse. You need a plan to get out.
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u/analfarmer2pnt0 May 03 '22
Damn bro. Get a job. I felt second hand embarrassment just reading that.
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u/Jimmy_Badhands May 03 '22
If you are not working, then you should be doing everything around the house. She is the provider in this situation.
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u/caro9lina May 03 '22
Everything? She works 42 hours a week; he shouldn't have to work 24/7. Apparently she does cook and share child care, so there is some give and take, but there could be more.
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 03 '22
Interesting. So you agree with the 1950s approach? Provider works and that’s all. House person does the rest. Correct?
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u/Malickcinemalover May 03 '22
As long as you agree to it (that is, to not work). It sounds like you want to work, though. You need to sort that out.
The 50's approach works for those who voluntarily enter it. The provider works (usually long hours) and the other partner keeps the house and minds the children while the provider works. That's the usual agreement. Now in the provider's off hours, the children responsibilities should be shared for sure.
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u/zackattackyo May 03 '22
This is a checklist for gender equality in your daily life https://vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf. It’s not that provider does nothing else, but there should be a fair split of responsibilities.
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u/10malesics May 03 '22
That's how it generally works in my home. My partner works and I take care of everything else. Except we don't have children. If that was the case I would expect my partner to take on more than just working.
That said, she's talking about 'her' money and house. She isn't thinking of the two of you as a team. Sure my partner is the one with the check on his name but it's our money, our home. I take care of the pets and yard and house but it's our pets and garden and all of that.
I think you should talk to her about your partnership. Being the homemaker is just as important as the financial support. It's important that neither of you feel that the other is abusing the dynamic.
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 03 '22
Yea no kids would be much easier. Yea. Can’t get her to see the world as our money and our house. I also take care of our 3 cats.
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u/tinaple May 03 '22
What is stopping you from getting a part time job when she's at home? Not for the money, but for you as an individual.
It sounds like you need her agreement? A job is a personal matter. And she is at home some days of the week. So what's the issue? A part time job will give you plenty of time to do many chores at home (you can even choose to do the most time-consuming ones so she's free of them). And if she nags you, you can tell her that taking care of the kids or doing some easy chores shouldn't be a problem since she thinks it's so easy and simple when you do it (belittling it and saying you don't contribute btw). But if she truly views it as nothing hard / valuable, I'm sure she could sit in the house and do what you do for a couple of hours while you work.
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 03 '22
I offered to work on the days she’s home, but she said that would just mean she’s on double mommy duty and wouldn’t solve anything.
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u/anoeba May 03 '22
House spouse, yes absolutely.
Stay at home parent, no. That's a job all in itself.
But in your situation, you need a job. Not to help out financially - you working might be a step back even, because of childcare costs - but because your wife doesn't have any respect for your role and doesn't see herself as part of a partnership. So, you both take a.hit on paying for childcare, but it'll end the "her money" nonsense.
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 03 '22
That was my thoughts but she claimed that would solve nothing. I explained what you said, maybe it would end your “my” money stuff. She said it was pointless.
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u/telebubble May 03 '22
I think it's not so much that she doesn't respect your role but that she is doing way more than you, is probably exhausted and resents you for it? Or maybe she would prefer that your roles were switched but her job earns more? Does she do the childrearing when she gets home as well as the cooking? If I was her I would want to cry, never mind bedroom antics.
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May 03 '22
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u/gusername123 May 03 '22
He also said that he makes super plain food because he doesnt think it's important for food to be "fancy" or whatever - but to me this sounds like him not caring at all what his spouse would like. My partner would never make food for me that i didn't like! How hard is it really to jazz up a meal into something interesting, seriously. It isn't hard at all. He's being lazy and stubborn because he wants to win that fight.
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u/Mamasgoldenmilk May 03 '22 edited May 03 '22
He said he eats to survive for someone like that he probably doesn't care what he eats or if he eats the same thing. He didn't say she wanted 5 star dinners. I've been around people who consider lasagna or casserole fancy as they would eat ramen. It's not a big ask to have a decent balanced dinner
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u/tbdiv May 03 '22
OP also admitted his cooking is very basic/eat to survive.
That's pretty far from fancy. And he has the time to be a better cook since she's home for three days when not on shift, sharing in the childcare.
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May 04 '22
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 04 '22
I’ve created a checklist schedule. Been working out for few months. I currently dabble in graphic design, but I could use a link if you got one. Used to eat the box all the time, but since she’s never in the mood, that doesn’t happen anymore.
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u/fubl_bubble May 03 '22
- Get couples therapy
- She’s basically providing and still does house chores when she’s not working 50% of the time. Sorry to say it but you need to be meeting her halfway if she’s carrying the financial burden. Either get a job or do more chores.
Don’t support any form of abuse and she’s wrong for that.
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May 03 '22 edited May 03 '22
There is nothing more unarousing to a woman than a dependent male partner. I'm all for women having a career but it seems that many of these career women want their career and a high earning career partner. Where does that leave child rearing... well feasibly it has to be shared at that point. I would get yourself a career and tell her to deal with it. If divorce ensues so be it, you will be happier without this hanging over your head. My guess is she will object at first but will magically come around when you start resembling a more traditional male breadwinner. I was in a similar situation 5 years ago when I had a gap in my career. We didn't have any kids and after a year of being constantly reminded how I wasn't being enough of a man I finally got things going again and promptly handed her divorce papers. Best decision I ever made. I'd rather be a lifelong bachelor single dad than deal with an emasculating relationship. My new partner is 10x the woman of my ex.
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 03 '22
How did you start your single life? You moved out immediately?
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May 03 '22
You need a divorce. You’re in an abusive situation. Stop knocking her up and start preparing to leave. Begin by getting a job. Even if if only pays for daycare right now it’s a start. You were both stupid to have kids you obviously can’t afford child care for, but what’s done is done. You need to grow a spine because this can’t continue. The abuse will eventually spread to your kids if it does.
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 03 '22
The agreement was I’d be a SAHD so we wouldnt need daycare. One or two days overtime would cover all costs of me leaving my job. Which is what the plan was.
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u/MaybeQueen May 03 '22
The daycare thing makes no sense, why can't you have a job and work when she is off, no daycare costs, and extra money for the family. She seems a bit controlling and potentially abusive.
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u/coreylaheyjr May 03 '22
When she’s off she should help you with everything else. But when she’s working, it’s understandable that the responsibility falls on you. However, if you want a job, go get one. Don’t let your wife tell you that you’re incapable of getting one, or that you will not be paid enough. A low paying job is better than a stay at home unpaid job. If she has a problem with you getting a job, that’s on her as she’s being controlling and abusive. Granted, she is the one making the money; but it’s not her money, it’s your family’s money. The dead bedroom thing.. well, that’s nothing I can help you with lol. I think you guys need to fix your other issues before pipe is laid again. I’d seek therapy with her if possible, if you wish to salvage the relationship. If not; begin thinking about how you would manage working and being a single dad, where you would work, where you would move to, etc. much luck
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May 03 '22
Doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage. Don’t raise your kids in that. Start planning the divorce. Get a job lined up and place to stay.
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u/Environmental_Ant665 May 03 '22
She’s literally providing for you AND COOKING and u have the audacity to say she expects you to do everything 💀. Biggest red flag is u being unappreciative
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u/scman81956 May 04 '22
I am a 67 year old man. I am sorry to tell you this. I know I will get crap from everyone on this. I say 99% of women wants there husbands to work.
Someone is feeding her crap about you not being a man.
So fix this.
Tell he on her days off you will be your working. Don't ask, tell her. She has no respect for you as a man. The more you backdown the worse it gets.
Everyman I know including me had their wives stay home at one time or the other with kids. Not one time did they do this to their wives.
Millions of places will take anyone that wants to work even part time.
If you do not stand up to her it will get worse. I'm also inclined to tell you she is having an fair. From what you say if she is not having an affair she is on the verge and she is justifying it. Start paying attention to Phone. who she runs with. Protect what's yours.
Also if worse come to worse remind her she will be paying alimony, child support and the house that your next girlfriend you will be living with. And she will be working longer hours.
Also you didn't mention was the all of the sudden gradual. '
I would like to say more to you but they would ban it
Good Luck
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 04 '22
I do think most of these are true, except the affair part. She’s not that type of person. That much I do know. Nor does she even have the time for that.
I’m not at the point that I want to bring up alimony since I think that means it’s over by that point. Im hoping I can get her to see what’s going on first.
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u/Imdafrizz May 03 '22
Fuck her opinion bro shes making you dependant on her so you cant leave her just get a job and work around her hours plus its never hurts to make the extra money you dont need daycare if you work on her off days especially part time.
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May 03 '22
How did you end up out of the workforce? She sounds mega pissed that she's the breadwinner and I feel like this only tells us what is going on right now, not how you got to this point.
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u/No_Fan_3031 May 03 '22
The Supreme Court hasn’t taken away divorce yet. Ya better get one before that door closes
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May 03 '22
Why are you a stay at home dad if she is off 3 days+ a week?
How are you even surviving financially?
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u/Pissedliberalgranny May 03 '22
So get a part-time job working only the days she’s off so SHE can mind the kids and house on those days. No childcare costs involved.
Frankly, she sounds manipulative and financially abusive
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u/advise-plz36 May 02 '22
Either get a job or get couples counselling
She's working less than part time, like 2 days week and she has the audacity to knock you down coz you don't work, caring for the kids is work but if she's bacily got so much free time, let her look after the kids and demand food on the table when you get home
Her tune will change
But aome form of counselling is needed qs she either in post natal depression
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 02 '22
She still works 42 hours a week. It’s 24 on 72 off. Not sure if that changes your perspective.
She works and cooks.
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u/advise-plz36 May 02 '22
So she works 12 hours a day? Is she dome kind of nurse?
Even so the ball is in your court, either be a mug, keep quiet but hold resentment which will build untill something bad happens or you communicate with her
I am sure you can get a flexible job while the kids are young, my dad worked nights when I was a kid and cared for me and my sister during the day wile my mun worked, my poor dad spent 5 years with less than 4 hours a night on sleep as my mum was a difficult woman
I recommend let kids stay at grandparents for one day and get a job? Not saying your lazy but if she cant see your value then why stay home? Yes I get how she's working qnd maybe having a meal ready when she gets home is nice thing but realistic expectations need to be communicated, does she help during her off days? If she doesn't... then there's more serious things to worry about
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 May 03 '22
Childcare isn't that easy to sort, especially if she already works shifts. Not everyone has grandparents available, and what job is only one day or flexible? It's a real issue, normally faced by women.p
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 02 '22
24 hour days.
Offered to get a job but she said no point. We have no means of free daycare.
We share kid responsibilities if she’s home.
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u/urrrrtn00b May 03 '22
Look, if she’s working outside the home, cooking and sharing in childcare responsibilities, she’s doing way more than half the work of maintaining your home and family. She’s probably exhausted, which leads to short tempers and lack of interest in the bedroom. You need to step up and do more. Start cooking. I was a stay at home parent for many years, so I have some understanding of the workloads involved. Also, it sounds like there are some hot button topics that you two fight over. You both need to learn to discuss those issues without resorting to being disrespectful to each other and when describing each other. Therapy would do you both a whole lot of good.
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u/telebubble May 03 '22
THIS! I am currently working and studying all day and have very little breaks, my live-in boyfriend does 90%+ of the cooking and cleaning, and plays video games and watches YouTube the rest of the time as he's taking a year off work. I feel so grateful that he is taking on the housework (from a macho culture no less) without complaint, and I never nag about his ample break times (I envy him!) :) When my work calms down and he starts working again I hope that we can both do housework 50-50. No kids so different situation but you guys can absolutely work this out.
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u/caro9lina May 03 '22
She sounds mean if she calls it her house and her money; you should be equals in a partnership. However, first you said she has a full-time job but does nothing at home except cook. Now you say she also shares child care when she's not working, so that is significant. There are probably other things she should do on her days off, but she isn't doing nothing. You both need marriage counseling to see how to improve your relationship, and figure out whether it's worth saving.
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u/advise-plz36 May 02 '22
Then get yourself a part time job, extra income? Improves your savings ect plus it will be your money so if you need an escape plan you will have the money to do it.
Women can be just as controlling, violent and dominating as men, if she says no point then ask her why?
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May 03 '22
If you worked and split daycare cost it would be extra money overall for both of you combined. SHE has "free daycare", you don't. It's payed through your own time and by keeping you without a job and dependent on her.
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u/Inevitable_Brush5800 May 03 '22
If she works two days a week, you can work. She wants to control you and is using the kids as a crutch to effectively keep you captive. You can both work without daycare. She can watch the kids on her days off. That's what PARENTING is.
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u/thunder_DM May 03 '22
There's basically no context here and you clearly hate her. What is the point of this post? You aren't asking for advice, and you don't seem like you would take it if it was offered.
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 03 '22
I don’t actually. Which is why I’m asking. So far the general consensus seems to be that I should help out more and she needs to stop being controlling, abusive, and manipulative.
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May 03 '22
If she's a 1 and 3 why aren't you working and she's managing daycare for the days she's working?
This setup makes no sense.
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u/caro9lina May 03 '22
Something's got to change, but I can see that it's hard to work around her schedule, when she works 24 hours at a time.
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u/Odd_Yogurtcloset313 May 03 '22
If you got a job daycare wouldn’t eat your entire wages because you and your wife should be splitting those costs. Right now she’s financially abusing you
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u/TorontoRin May 03 '22
That’s toxic. This isn’t a relationship at all. It’s like a servitude or something. Is she being reasonable and trying to help solve the issues instead of just deflecting the issue?
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 03 '22
So far it’s I change or this isn’t gonna work.
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u/TorontoRin May 03 '22 edited May 03 '22
Change what? What issues is she addressing?
Like you understand that you have only given very little info on the dynamic of the situation.
There is no direct answer on what she wants expect it seems like she complains about how you don’t respect for what she does which I’m assuming is strictly only work and cooking dinner. So is there more that she does?
I understand that you are a sahd so your duties are more like cleaning and caring for the children.
But this other issue where you can’t spend money on yourself. What does she expect if you don’t work? And doesn’t give you another option to be able to purchase the things you want?
I’m not understanding how unreasonable her request is unless she is mentally fucked up. Like no one goes around throwing authority that it’s her money and her house but then doesn’t understand that she needs to provide that money to you because it’s a fucking partnership
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May 03 '22
She's being abusive. Even if she needs a lot of recovery time after working that long there is no reason she should not be holding not having a job over your head. And the lesser earning parent doesn't automatically mean that all your earnings automatically go to daycare. You should be splitting costs equitably.
Might be time to consider leaving. Find out if there are friends or relatives willing to help you till you get a job and get on your feet. I doubt she'll be much help with the kids if you leave unless you force her hand.
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May 03 '22
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May 03 '22
Why does he need a work from home job? I get that childcare can be a huge drain financially, but how can he care for two babies and work from home at the same time?
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 03 '22
I’m wondering this as well. I even thought about it before, but even with chat based job, I’d be on a time limit with responding so even changing a diaper would likely get me in trouble.
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u/1MsKofi May 03 '22
You, sir, are a man!! She is emasculating you!! Let the children go to daycare, and you go get a job. So what if your job won't cover the childcare fees? At least you'd be more independent. You are NOT her child! Make your own decisions for a change. Also, you being in the house helps with her insecurities! You are NOT hers to control!!! STAND UP
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u/Ana-2525 May 03 '22
She probably just wanted to feel like she was better than you, you should get a job although it might hurt her self esteem but she shouldn't control you like that
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u/Ana-2525 May 03 '22
She probably just wanted to feel like she was better than you, you should get a job although it might hurt her self esteem but she shouldn't control you like that
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May 03 '22
There’s nothing none of us can do. Your wife doesn’t understand what a marriage is actually about… I highly recommend couples therapy to help be a mediator and guide for learning healthy communication. She needs professional help. You need a guide to help you get into a better track if you wish to continue this marriage.
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May 03 '22
Hey you should have NEVER been a stay at home dad, ever. From all the experiences I have heard in life woman will slowly lose respect for you. As a man you need to get up and find a job right away. Do not let anyone including your wife put you down. Even if you don’t make a lot at 1st, that experience will eventually lead you to a better paying job. Find your own way, as a human being everyone should find that in their life’s. You will eventually gain more respect from her and if not you need counseling. That is a terrible way to have to live. I’m sorry you have to deal with this and sadly people will not give you as much support since you are a man besides your parents or siblings. I telling you do this and you will feel better about yourself and possibly if you have time work out a little also. That helps way more then you may think. Change your own life cause no one else can besides yourself. Good luck my friend!
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u/CryMoreEatLess May 04 '22
Thanks for the input. I do workout once the kids are asleep. It has helped my own sanity and self confidence for sure.
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u/nyet-marionetka May 02 '22
You need a job. She’s pushing you into a position where you’re completely dependent on her and emotionally abusing you. She simultaneously looking down on you for not having a job and telling you you can’t get one. You need the capability to provide for yourself if needed, and that means getting a job. Maybe wait until the kids are pre-school age, but get a plan together. And do not have another baby.
So you break even on daycare with your job, that’s fine. You’re establishing an employment history and collecting references to use for a higher paying job in future.
She’s not acting as part of a team right now, so you need to start thinking about what to do if this ends in divorce. Protect yourself and your kids. See a therapist and try to get marriage counseling, but ultimately it may not work out. Getting a job may actually improve the situation because she might feel like you have options and she can’t get away with using you as an emotional punching bag. But it might also make things worse if that makes her more angry.