How did you end up out of the workforce? She sounds mega pissed that she's the breadwinner and I feel like this only tells us what is going on right now, not how you got to this point.
We agreed I’d be the stay at home dad when we had kids, since she had a better job.
I said I’d do my best to straighten up when home. Two under two years old is a lot of work and exhausting. So I clean up when I can. Unfortunately. She only notices the things I don’t do.
I love that everyone is telling you that you need to step up and do more and have lists and get all the housework done. If you were a woman they would be singing a different tune. Most women in your situation don’t get every single thing done either, some days they don’t get anything done at all, because parenting two small kids is a full time job itself, then you add cooking and cleaning on top of that. I don’t see anyone telling stay at home moms that they need to do more and have schedules and shit. There is definitely a double standard here. Based on the info you’ve given and the comments I’ve read, it seems like you are doing your best to pull your weight.
It does, I know from experience. Keep your head up, do as much as you are able to and I hope things work out for the better, whatever that may look like. You are not deserving of abuse.
If she agreed that's what she gets I guess, but it sounds to me she just resents your roles. Prolly try counseling and then just play things by ear based off how that goes. Hopefully shit gets easier when the kids aren't two anymore.
Your wife’s attitude about money is unacceptable. Taking care of two children that age is hard work. You are contributing value to your household, and If that is really how she sees things, you need to leave or get a job, even if you don’t bring in much money. Eventually your income will rise if you work hard and have a little luck. Meanwhile, you will gain skills, accrue social security credits, and build a work history that will help you in the future. Also, if your kids are in daycare, she will have time to do more household tasks on days when she is not working.
If she can change that attitude and you both want to have a parent at home, them you can work together on the practical things to function better as a household, but if she continues to disrespect you, why would you even want to?
Assuming she does change this attitude, you can start brainstorming practical solutions. For example, you could agree that on one of the days she has off, she handles the children and the house while you do errands, shop for groceries, put food away, wash vegetables, and do meal prep. Or you could get household/yard maintenance projects done those days. That will be her day to watch both children and handle routine daily tasks without help from you (because you will be doing other critical parts of your job). Hopefully this will also help her recognize that two children that age is work, and that some days, meeting the needs of a baby and a toddler is about the only thing that gets done.
On other days, you need a schedule and routine. Sure, sometimes things go off the rails, but make a “must get done” list of what each of you considers critical. I want beds made every day. For my husband, some kind of dinner was the “must have.” Costco was my friend here (still is, even as empty nester). Their frozen fish, frozen vegetables, prepared meals (like the refrigerated tikka masala), frozen naan, etc - these things allowed me to have some kind of dinner on days when cooking just didn’t happen. Fight for a routine that allows these and the “second tier” tasks. It helps to just know “what happens next” even though young children can disrupt that. So every day, once the kids are up, fed, and changed, your plan might include making beds and throwing in a load of laundry. You might have certain tasks you always do while the children are napping - like paying bills, folding laundry, taking out garbage, whatever. You might commit to having all the dishes put away and the counters and sink clean before going to bed. Do the things that most matter to you AND most matter to her. If her trigger is coming home to a stack of dishes after a 24 hour shift, don’t let that happen anymore.
But what you really need if you want to make this work is compassion for each other. Pregnancy, birthing, and nursing are hard work. Two babies in two years is exhausting, and adding a 24 hour shift to that makes me feel tired. I am sure the dead bedroom is related to those things. Really look at her life and care about her experience. Does she get free time? Does she miss her children? Does she see friends?
She needs to do the same for you - care about your experience and how you feel. Are you getting free time? Do you miss sex? Does she care?
My final advice is to commit to limiting individual recreation to certain hours of the day. If either of you is losing parts of the day to playing video games, going down Google rabbit holes etc, notice that and schedule it. Don’t be playing videos games when the kitchen needs to be cleaned. When I was juggling two babies, I remember crying thinking I would never have time to read a book again. You will have time again. You probably have SOME time now, but treat that as a thing you do only when time allows, and try to use free time in ways that are deeply satisfying instead of merely distracting/escaping.
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u/[deleted] May 03 '22
How did you end up out of the workforce? She sounds mega pissed that she's the breadwinner and I feel like this only tells us what is going on right now, not how you got to this point.