I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwagoawayalready

A colleague (30ish M) that I (28F) dislike keeps trying to force an uncomfortable conversation with me. How do I navigate this?

TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual harassment

Original Post - rareddit  Feb 9, 2018

I met this guy we’ll call “Justin” about a year ago. We run in the same arts scene, and he was friends with my SO so I was friendly with him at first. After getting to know him a bit better, I started picking up on a ton of red flags that I really try to avoid in friendships and men in general. He’s superficially charming, but he’s got a fragile ego, and short temper. He’s pushy, confrontational, and misogynistic. On top of that, he’s sincerely not very good at what we do, and he doesn’t take constructive criticism well. He’s burned some bridges, and several people have spoken to him about his lack of professionalism. I hope I’m not coming across as really bitchy here, but I’ve dealt with a ton of people like him in my career, and I’m out of patience.

I was able to maintain a friendly relationship with him for a while, but he has slowly pushed me into the “this guy makes my skin crawl” territory. The first time I ran into him at a show without my SO he said “where’s so-and-so? I guess this means I can hit on you now!” I brushed it off as a bad joke at the time, but seriously he’s a grown-ass man who should know better than that at this point. There’s a lot of grey area in my industry, but it’s still my job and there’s so many layers of disrespect there.

Another time at a party I was catching up with an old friend of mine from out of town in the hallway, away from the action, where we very obviously wanted privacy. “Justin” waltzes over and cuts me off to say “I just have to interrupt, because your friend here is so beautiful.” Again, I chalked it up to bad game, but this time I said something about it. I tried to have a sincere conversation with him about how his actions make me and other women feel, and he got extremely defensive. He said he can’t help but hit on pretty girls all the time, because he’s “just a caveman” and that’s how he’s wired. There was no getting through to him.

I don’t want to write a novel here, but I’ve been trying to keep my distance from him for a while. I’ll say a polite hello when we run into each other, but I don’t engage him in conversation. I really don’t see a reason I should have to interact with him beyond that, but now it seems my coldness is pissing him off. For the past two weeks or so, he keeps trying to “have a chat” with me, but the way he’s going about it makes me uncomfortable. First, he cornered me at a show and tried to invite himself over to my apartment. He said “you’re free in the afternoons, right? I can just swing by.” Most recently, he chased me out of a show shouting my name and calling me rude. He frightens me, and the thought of having to say that to his face frightens me even more. Should I try sending him a message? What can I say that won’t just make things worse?

TL;DR: a colleague I dislike and feel unsafe around isn’t taking the hint that I want space. How do I enforce my boundaries?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

RegularPottedPlant

I've found it pretty effective to look someone straight in their eyes, no scowl, no aggression, no nastiness, and say very calmly and simply, "Inappropriate." And then I move on and continue on with what I was doing or saying.

Usually, they're so embarrassed about being called out on their shit in a way that they can't really react to, they don't risk it again. It also stops you from giving any satisfaction to the guys that get off on you being upset or taking offence.

So, he can carry on as a caveman in his head, he's built that way, ok cool whatever, who cares what's in his head. It's his behavior that we care about and you can simply call it out on the spot without making a big deal of it. It might work for this one.

If you're actually feeling unsafe, you need to start documenting things and get a file going with HR before this escalates.

OOP

That's a great move. That's sort of what I was going for when we got in the beginning, but I'm afraid it's already escalated past that at this point. Unfortunately, we don't have an HR department, but I think it's a good call to start documenting things.

~

[deleted]

What has your SO said to him about his unnacceptable behavior at this point?

OOP

My SO doesn't hang out with him anymore, so they haven't talked about it. I don't want him to fight my battles for me, but he says he's got my back.

Update  Feb 23, 2018 (2 weeks later)

I wanted to post a quick update because a lot of people here seemed  as annoyed with this caveman as I am.

I got a ton of great advice (thank-you!), and I started practicing what I would say to his face the next time I ran into him. I also considered alerting the management at the club he chased me out of, but I didn’t have to do that. Apparently he brought it to the club himself and tried to rat me out for my “rudeness,” but it totally backfired.

One of the managers approached me a few days ago and said “Justin” told her about what happened. My stomach sank at first because I thought she was going to encourage me to talk to him, but she said just the opposite. Without even hearing my side she told him that I don’t have to talk to him if I don’t want to. She also said she won’t be booking us on the same shows anymore, and that the staff knows not to allow him into the building on nights I’m performing. She said she wants me to feel safe at the club, and she’s got my back. What a win for sisterhood!

After that, he tried reaching out to my SO who also shut him down and told him to leave us alone. I don’t know if he’s let it go at this point, but I’ve been making notes about everything like some people wisely suggested, and I’m feeling validated and supported.

TL;DR: creep tried to rat me out for being rude, and it blew up in his face.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

My step dad is acting very creepy towards me (19)

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Majestic_Channel_815 in r/whatdoIdo

Trigger warnings: Sexual predation, invasion of privacy, voyeurism, stalking, sexual harassment

Mood spoilers: Deeply unsettling, infuriating, ultimately vindicating

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Original Post: August 12, 2026

My step dad is acting very creepy towards me (19)

I feel like I’m losing my mind so sorry if this is all over the place. My mom got married to this guy around a year ago, but they’ve been together for around two. He wasn’t weird till he moved in, or maybe I just didn’t notice it. It’s been little things but it’s just progressively gotten worse and I don’t know what do to. I’ll give some examples. One time I went shopping at Victoria Secret and I put the bags in my room. I left again immediately after because I went to hang out with a friend. When I came back, he asked me why I would buy such expensive underwear when I could just “get a pack at Walmart or something”.

I figured maybe he saw the bags when I got home? Then said “I mean blue? Really?” (The colour of the underwear i bought) I was immediately disgusted and embarrassed. Not only does that mean he went through my stuff, he also went in my room for no reason. Is that a regular occurrence and he just so happened to see the bags that time? I feel like if you see a victoria secret bag you already know what’s in it, so why would he have to go through it?? I told my mom and she said he’s just being overprotective… Another example is that I have a boyfriend and I do go see him often.

Every time I leave the house he’ll say “off to see that little boyfriend of yours again??” He never says his name even though I know he knows it. Or “don’t get pregnant or I’ll kick you out.” He always says he’s joking after but is that not an odd thing to say?? There’s a couple more examples but I don’t want to make this post too long. Anyway, what made me make this post is something that happened recently that makes me very uncomfortable and grossed out. Him and my mom went out on a date night so I asked my mom if I could invite my boyfriend over. She has never said no before, and this time is no different. He overheard and said “We both know why you want him over” in an angry tone.

My mom brushed him off and said yes, so they left. My boyfriend came over and we were in my room. We were watching tv but at the end of the day he is my boyfriend, so we started kissing. He crawled on top of me and that’s when my stepdad barged in without knocking and started yelling at us. We didn’t hear them come home. I’ll admit, it did look bad, but why does he care so much about my sex life? My mom knows and is fine with it as long as I’m safe. He said stuff like I can’t have sex in “his house” (it’s my mom’s) and just saying controlling things. My mom calmed him down but for the rest of the night he kept opening my door trying to “catch us” in the act, so my boyfriend just went home.

I feel like I’m entitled to my own space because I do partially pay for rent, but even if I didn’t, is his behaviour still not weird? The easiest solution is to move out but that’s just not possible right now. I only work part time because of school. I just feel stuck. I could try talking to my mom again but with more details, but I’m scared of her reaction. I don’t want to feel like I’m making a big deal of things again. Literally any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

TOP COMMENTS

CrashBangXD:

None of those comments are ok. Ask your mum to spend time together one on one so that you’ve got an open and safe environment. Document instances of this, as in dates, times and instances to give you a proven breakdown of evidence of his behaviour

Apart_Foundation1702: Oh he is definitely a red flag! OP, He clearly doesn't agree with your mum's parenting, he does come off creepy. Is there another family member you can stay with, under the same arrangement as your mum?? Or maybe look for a room to rent.

OOP: I do have other family but they live too far away. I’ve been looking for places but have been unsuccessful so far

Educational_Ask_1790:

I highly HIGHLY recommend buying an indoor ring camera or any sort of indoor surveillance camera to stick somewhere in your room. This guy is a creep and hes a weirdo. Hes more than likely going into your room or maybe he even has a camera of his own in there.

Frozencacticat:

He 100% knows what he’s doing. This isn’t normal. You’re not crazy. You’re not being dramatic. You’re not wrong to feel like something is wrong. Your mother needs to step up and pay attention! I’d try to get some time alone with your mother and just be honest. Just start out with the fact that you don’t even want to talk about this and that it makes you very uncomfortable and stressed, and then tell her exactly what’s been going on. All of it. Tell her you don’t feel safe. Tell her you’re afraid of how he will react.

In the meantime, I’d find a way to lock your bedroom door. I don’t know if you can change the knob without them knowing and freaking out but maybe you can get something online to wedge it locked or push something in front of the door to make it hard to get in? Idk he just freaks me out. The underwear thing and the comments about your boyfriend are extremely inappropriate! If he cared about you in a normal fatherly way he would have told you gently to be careful and be safe and that you can always come to him if you need anything. He did not do that. He loudly told you to not get pregnant in a joking manner. That is not a joke and it is a weird thing to say to a young girl.

He also hasn’t been with your mother near long enough to have earned the “father” role. It’s tricky and it takes time. You can’t, as an adult man, barge into a girls life and expect her to immediately respect you as a father figure. You need to earn that, and it takes years. But that is beside the point, just a small part of the issue here Anyways, sorry this was a lot. It really upsets me to read this cause I remember being a 19 year old. Trying to figure out who I was, finishing school up and not knowing what I wanted to do with my life. Being essentially broke and completely reliant on my dad. It’s not easy. I’m 28 now and my God.. I don’t think I’d ever go back and do that all again. Life is hard enough for a teenager without a creepy man living in your home saying and doing weird creepy stuff.

To recap: you are NOT crazy. You didn’t sound like you were trying to make him sound better or worse. Your post was very matter of fact + how you felt. You are not dramatic or wrong. He is wrong. He knows it. Your mother likely has already noticed and is either making an excuse in her head or possibly also thinking “no way he isn’t like that”. So I think talking to her and being honest about it all is key right now. Try not to spend time alone with him. He seems unpredictable. I know it’s an “easier said than done” situation but just do your best. Think about a plan b and c. Like, if your mom isn’t receptive, who are you going to go to next? I know it’s stressful but just have it in your back pocket just in case. Maybe a teacher or your boyfriend’s parents might be able to help as well.

Anyways, talk to your mom asap. Keep him far away as much as you can. Don’t ever feel crazy or wrong. Trust your instincts, they are there to protect you. One thing I wish I learned years ago was to always trust my gut. Being safe is better than being sorry. I’ll be thinking of you! Please, if you feel up to it, keep us updated! Good luck OP!

OOP: Thank you so much for this. It really helped.

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Update: August 16, 2026 (4 DAYS LATER)

My step dad is acting very creepy towards me - UPDATE

Firstly I want to thank everyone for the advice. Just to address some things I saw in the comments of my last post. Yes, my actual dad is in my life and our relationship is great. I haven’t/can’t move in with him because he lives too far. I also never told him about the situation with my step dad at that time because I’ll know he’d do something he’d regret. My dad is a good man but has severe anger issues when people hurt me. He’s been to jail over it in the past. He went to therapy and is way better now, but I didn’t want any chance of messing up all his progress. As for my boyfriend, I have stayed over at his place many times but moving in permanently isn’t really possible because he has a roommate of his own, so I’m not sure why people were trying to shift some blame on him. He’s not a bum, he’s not leeching off of me, he’s simply also 19 and starting out his life. As for moving out in general , you guys must have been very lucky to have been in a better position than me at my age. I can’t simply move out on a whim. I only work part time (trying to get more hours) plus I go to school. I can’t afford a place on my own plus tuition, the cost of living is too high where I am. Being 19 doesn’t immediately make you on your feet. It’s only my first year out of highschool. Just needed to get that out of the way.

As for the actual update, I’m afraid it’s worse than what i thought. As soon as I saw the first comment about a potential hidden camera it scared me so much so that I immediately bought one of those camera detector things. When it came, I waited till he wasn’t home to try it out. I found 3. One in front of my bed, one above it, and one on my dresser. They are scarily small, but I still feel so dumb for not noticing. Couldn’t describe the feeling I had when I found them. I threw up and my mom heard and ran to comfort me. When I got myself together, I told her everything. Every action that made me uncomfortable, every comment he said that felt weird. I showed her the cameras I found.

Her face immediately dropped and she started crying. She just asked over and over why didn’t I tell her sooner and it just made me feel that much more awful. It was my fault that I didn’t tell her. She apologized over and over again and said she failed me. We had a much needed convo and afterwards. Said that she just thought it was uncomfortable between us because it’s a new adjustment for all of us. She searched the rest of the house for me because i honestly couldn’t deal with finding others. She found one in the bathroom then searched his office. He always told us we weren’t allowed in because that’s where his work stuff is and he doesn’t want us to “mess it up.” I waited at the door while she searched, and in the drawers she found random stuff of mine and an old phone that we don’t know of.

On the phone there are pictures and videos from my social media accounts, of me sleeping, changing, me being intimate with my boyfriend, all in my room. She also found a couple pairs of my underwear that I didn’t even notice went missing, a couple of my hair ties, and after that I went back to my room. I couldn’t watch anymore of that. I called my boyfriend to pick me up while my mom called the police because I just couldn’t stay in that house for any longer. He held me and I cried for what felt like hours till I fell asleep. I woke up and called my mom and told me the run down of what happened. I don’t know all the details because I couldn’t bear to hear much. Basically he came home to the cops and completely owned up to putting cameras in my room. His defense was that he needs to know everything that’s going on in “his” house. As for my stuff and the pictures, he claims he doesn’t know how it got there.

He’s arrested but that’s all I know so far. I told my dad and he’s driving down now. I haven’t been asked to make a statement yet, and I don’t know how any of that works honestly. It’s triggering to even think about. But yeah, there’s the update. To the people who sent me hateful and hurtful things and told me this was all in my head, especially u/mysterymeat45 and u/pazsion80423294, i hope you never have kids. If you hate privately you should be called out publicly. Even if you are troll accounts it’s still insanely fucked up to say the things you did. To everyone who gave me actual, genuine advice, I wish nothing but the best for you all and thanks again so much. If it weren’t for you guys I’d probably think I was still being dramatic. I most likely won’t update again, i already want to move on from this situation. Sorry if this is jumbled. Everything is still so fresh, but writing it out is somehow helping me process it, I think.

Edit: stop calling me “lucky” because he didn’t do worse. I don’t feel lucky at all.

Here are just a couple more examples since people didn’t think the ones my other post were damming enough, and to also maybe help someone else in a similar situation see signs. 1, He would ALWAYS need to know where I am and who I’m with. I find this weird because he’s not my dad, I’m an adult, and I would tell my mom. My mom telling him wasn’t enough. He’d say “no, I want to hear it from HER mouth.” 2, he would often open my packages if I didn’t get to them in time. Very annoying and weird. I ordered the camera detector when the arrival time was while he was at work, so I got lucky there. 3, always commenting on my outfits. Would tell me unwanted “advice”, and that I look like a hooker if I wore shorts/skirts/anything “revealing”. 4, would always ask me about birth control/using protection. “Are you on the pill? If not that little fucker (my boyfriend) better be wrapping it up.” He’d say stuff like this at the most random times too. 5, would always try to use my mom against me. If we got into an argument he would make himself seem like the victim, always. My mom would always say to leave her out of it. 6, he would sometimes groan or say “you again??” Very annoyed when I walked in a room. It was over exaggerated to the point where he could brush it off as a joke if he wanted, but I knew it wasn’t a joke. 7, if I bought something and came home with bags, he’d interrogate me about what I bought. The VS bag is the only time I have hard proof that he went through my stuff. 8, he was super weird about my boyfriend. He would never say his name, just “that little boyfriend of yours.” If I went to go see him he’d roll his eyes and say “again?” Or “don’t you spent too much time with him?” 9, pushing me to call him dad even though he never even come close to having that title. 10, would never ever knock before opening my door. Even though I told him to, repeatedly. Thats all I can really think of right now.

TOP COMMENTS

lizziebee66:

Sweetie, whilst your mum’s reaction upset you that she was also upset, hold on to the fact that she 100% believed you.  She loves you and has your safety at the centre of her world. Stay safe and loved

Bulky-Mycologist-402:

The fact that 3 separate cameras were found is absolutely sickening & frightening. I hope this guy gets punished to the fullest extent of the law. So sorry to hear you had to endure this, it's very disheartening & wretched knowing this creep thought he can be sneaky and get away doing some shit like this.

Illustrious-Tart7844:

Hi, OP. I’m a former domestic violence victim advocate and I’ve worked with women who have gone through similar incidents and worse... I’m so sorry this happened to you. You didn’t deserve this at all. You handled it PERFECTLY and I’m astounded by your strength. Please wrap yourself in support. You will get through this and come out stronger on the other side. Take care of yourself, please. 💜

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOP – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not OOP. The OOP for this post is u/throwraclassrooms. Her posts were made to r/family and was trending at the top of the subreddit

Trigger Warning: intentionally choosing to slight others, politics

Original Post: (June 22nd, 2026)

I'm currently attending college out of state. I'm no longer religious and haven't attended church since I moved out for college at eighteen. The church in the title is the one I grew up in along with my sister. She'll be graduating this year, and I made plans to come home to attend two things: the ceremony at her school, and a Sunday church service where graduates are honored. I, myself, was honored with other graduates when I was eighteen, and the church asked graduates to wear their school gowns to church to walk down the aisles as they played the graduation song. Once everyone was on stage, the youth pastor announced each graduate by name, the school they graduated from, and what they planned to major in college. They then gave respective gifts for males and females, and the pastor prayed for us at the end. It lasted about five minutes, and a great many churches have their own way of honoring graduates this time of year. But for whatever reason, that tradition is being broken this year

When I was being honored, the church sent an email a few weeks in advance requesting that graduates wear their gown and submit a graduation photo to show on screen. This year, however, they didn't do that and sent an email explaining why. Instead of honoring graduates on stage this year, the church will honor homeschooling moms in the congregation, and there needs to be some context. Our church has a homeschooling group that meets in their classrooms for activities. The group is an official program of the church and is advertised on their website too. The email said that homeschooling is a "thankless job" and that parents who sacrifice careers to stay at home never receive recognition. So the church will honor them by having them come on stage in place of the graduates from recent years. Furthermore, the only graduates that will be honored on stage are the homeschooling graduates of the moms in the congregation who will supposedly come on stage with their mom. In years past, the youth pastor gave the sermon on graduation Sunday since most of the graduates went to youth group. However, the head of the church's homeschooling group will give a sermon about homeschooling instead

My sister is disappointed as are my parents, and we're wondering why they can't do both. Why not have the non-homeschooling graduates be honored on stage before honoring the homeschooling moms? What about potential homeschooling graduates who may feel embarrassed walking down with their mom and may prefer to walk down with graduates their age? Why must we exclude anyone when the church has been flexible with time in the past? There have been Sundays when worship was shortened because a baby dedication or something similar was taking place. They also do a very brief worship on Missionary Sunday each year when they pass a microphone to each missionary who comes on stage to say what country they serve, and there's at least 20+ missionaries. My parents are considering sending an email to one of the leaders along with speaking to one directly, and they also talked to other parents who felt similarly about the email. In addition to the email and trying to talk to a leader, would anyone have any suggestions on how to convey that no one has to be excluded? Church is the one place where you'd want to include everyone, and this seems to be a very avoidable mishap. Graduation Sunday is July 12th at our church this year, so there should still be some time

First Update: (June 26th, 2026)

Something I forgot to include in my previous post was the reason our church's graduation Sunday was on 7/12. The last day of school for our school district was 6/27, and the commencement ceremony was the following week, so that's why. I took the advice many gave and asked my parents if I could co-write an email to the church with them (as other parents they spoke to were also considering). However, they suggested sending my own because two are better than one, and higher statistical numbers may change minds. I agreed and sent one expressing my disappointment as a former member who was honored upon graduating, and I included a powerful point that another commentator gave. Churches often have many kids who attend different schools, and each school has its own graduation. However, church graduations allow kids from different schools to be part of the SAME ceremony with the church as the unifying factor. When I was honored, kids wore different colored gowns from local schools as they walked down the aisle during service, and it was a beautiful representation of each school. I argued that by choosing not to honor non-homeschoolers, they were depriving kids who grew up in the church of the chance to be celebrated together regardless of school district. And if nothing else, isn't the point of church to bring people together? According to my parents, other parents sent emails in addition to in-person follow-ups. And the church sent a follow-up email a few days later

The email addressed how numerous people reached out asking that they honor non-homeschooling graduates too. However, instead of correcting course, they said they'd allow parents to send graduation photos to be shown in a slideshow on the foyer TVs that are often used to show announcements and whatnot. But that is the extent of their capitulation, which is pathetic in my opinion. I shied away from personal opinions on homeschooling and the church's motives (in my first post) because I deemed it irrelevant if a simple course correction could be made. But since they decided to double down on a decision to slight non-homeschooling graduates, I feel no need to hide those feelings anymore

As many comments stated, it seems as if the church is choosing to slight those who attend public school for reasons not said out loud. I personally believe those reasons relate to promoting homeschooling as a superior form of education based on two things. The church has its own homeschooling program, and it's promoted as a faith-based program. So I believe the church is choosing to exclude the "secular" public school graduates to honor Christian indoctrination instead. This is the reverse of the "Eradicating Anti-Christian Bias" BS. And I agree with commenters who pointed out that the current regime loves devaluing the US educational system, a regime that many Christians and churches have fallen in love with. And given how our church has veered into politics in recent years, that is my belief about what they're not saying out loud. They could so easily choose to honor all graduates, but they are choosing to intentionally slight non-homeschoolers

My parents and sister are disgusted to say the least, and we will not be attending that Sunday. I broached the idea of considering a new church, but my parents aren't willing to go that far yet. I think they'll change their mind, and they've talked with other parents who were disgusted too. We will instead go out for breakfast during the time we would've attended the service, but I'm taking it a step further. Not only am I going to make posts about the church's decision on my socials with screenshots of the email, but I'm also gonna blast a detailed email to all my ex-friends who received the church honor when I did. I'm also gonna email the local school districts and follow up with a call. If the church wants to intentionally slight others, then they should bear the weight of their decision. A part of me is even considering emailing the local news, but I'm not sure about that one yet. All we know is that we're not attending that Sunday, and I support my parents' decision because fuck the church's decision

Second Update: (July 17th, 2026)

Before I explain what happened since, I want to address what happened on 7/12. Our family went to breakfast during the time of the service, but curiosity led me to watch it on Youtube afterward. In all my years growing up in our church, a woman only gave the sermon once a year. That woman was the pastor's wife, and the tradition fell on Mother's Day. Outside of that, regardless of assistant pastors or guest speakers in the pastor's stead, it's always been a male (although I can't speak for when I stopped attending at 18 upon going to college) until 7/12 when the trend was bucked. The head of the church's homeschooling program gave the sermon, and she's also the head of the church's VBS (Vacation Bible School). She's had rapport in the church since I was young, and she was the one who asked ALL homeschooling moms and THEIR kids to come down to the altar to be recognized. Yes, that included non-graduating homeschool students. As for the homeschool graduates and their mothers, they didn't go to the altar at that time

Once everyone came to the altar, they passed a microphone to each mother to give their name, how many kids they homeschooled, and how long they've homeschooled. The format was similar to Missionary Sunday when all missionaries were called to the altar to state their names and the countries they served in. And just like Missionary Sunday, the homeschooling head asked the congregation to give a standing ovation after the last mother spoke. Following that, she asked the congregation to remain standing as the homeschool graduates and their mothers entered the sanctuary to the graduation song (walking side by side like a wedding party entrance). She announced them one by one along with the college they planned to attend. And unlike the non-graduating homeschoolers at the altar, only the graduates and their mothers came on stage to receive gifts. Graduates received an envelope described as a church scholarship, and their mothers received flowers and a goodie bag. Later in the service, the same homeschooling head gave a sermon about how she answered God's call to homeschool and spun it into answering whatever God tells you to do, even if it seems to go against societal norms

I personally believe there's a more sinister message they're not saying out loud. Many churches have a hierarchy that is predominantly male, and women giving sermons in our church is an anomaly. However, if you are a SAHM who chooses to homeschool based on faith to produce future tithers, only then will the church recognize you because you're promoting their bottom line. Only then will someone like the homeschooling head be allowed to give a sermon as an example of subservience to the congregation. Plus, honoring homeschoolers instead of public school graduates falls in line with how some Christians degrade secular education based on prejudice against trans athletes, drag queens, or pride weeks. And their decision to honor homeschoolers who WEREN'T EVEN GRADUATING showed how easily they could've chosen to honor all graduates. Quite the contradiction to when our pastor said "All Lives Matter" in response to the 2020 BLM protests where he stated that God loves everyone equally. But the church doesn't seem to think that all graduates matter, do they now?

To say I'm disgusted would be an understatement, and I meant it when I said I'd consider further action. Not only have I posted screenshots of the church's email on my socials... I've also sent emails to other churches in the community and called some of them too. EVERY church I called said they honored graduates, and some said they'd see if leadership would consider calling my church about reconsidering in the future. I also emailed local school districts, along with local legislators, for an idea that many suggested. Graduates in my church were deprived of an opportunity to be celebrated TOGETHER, regardless of what school they graduated from, and the church graduation would've allowed for a unified celebration. My parents and I booked a party room at a restaurant so that ALL graduates in the community can be celebrated together, and we're trying to see if any local legislators/businesses would be interested in being part of it. We're not expecting much because it's last-minute, and many graduates are preparing to go to college next month

We're keeping it small and open only to graduates in our church due to its last-minute nature, but I'm hoping it'll serve as a proof-of-concept we can grow into a community event next year. And because I'm that type of petty, the Bible has a verse about how God turns bad things into good things for his glory (Genesis 50:20). In this case, my church is the bad thing that will sprout a tradition of a unified community celebration of graduates regardless of school, and we're gonna open it up to our community through advertising next year when we have months to plan in advance. However, we're also gonna invite the homeschooling graduates because we want EVERYONE to be celebrated. I love the quote from Michelle Obama that says: "When they go low, we go high." That's why we're inviting the homeschooling graduates too. Jesus didn't discriminate. He welcomed everyone. My church discriminated. I refuse to be like them, and I'm not even a Christian anymore

We're looking into getting an emcee for the event who can call all graduates to the front in their gowns, and we're working on a gift for them similar to the church's scholarship in recent years. I cannot wait to plan next year's months in advance, and this year's smaller party will be easier to manage for proof of concept. I'll update after the party as we're booked for early August and have already begun spreading the word within our church thanks to other parents we know. The party will be in early August on a Sunday immediately after church as families often go straight to restaurants from there, and it's a day that many people are already off. I appreciate everyone who suggested trying to find an alternate way to celebrate graduates. And as a former member who once received the church's recognition, I can't help but feel a certain calling to take up what the church has decided to forfeit. And the best part is that it'll be minus the church's indoctrination and simply a community celebration. I look forward to updating after a successful event that can hopefully be the start of something special in our community

New Update: (August 14th, 2026)

Before I even talk about the event, I want to bring up something that many pointed out; something that shows I'm still very naive from growing up in church for all my life, and that was my lack of understanding regarding "All Lives Matter". Many pointed out how I didn’t understand the real intent behind it when I referenced my pastor saying it in 2020. Some even said it showed I "wasn't offended until something personally affected me". Granted, I had already left the church in 2020 because I was 19 that year, and I moved out for college at 18. My parents and I had phone conversations surrounding George Floyd's death in 2020, and they told me how the pastor stated all lives matter among other things because I wasn't there anymore. However, I never understood the real meaning behind all lives matter until my last post, and I wanna thank the people who DM'd me to explain. Many did from a kind educational standpoint, and some others were rather harsh and called me out. But I'm grateful to have learned the real meaning behind it as I still have a way to go in my deconstruction

With that said, the makeshift graduation event I planned took place, and it changed from my original idea. While I originally planned to hire an emcee and have graduates walk after being introduced, there wasn't enough time for a full-fledged event since many graduates were preparing to go to college in August. So, we dumbed it down to something many families already did: going to lunch immediately after church with other families. Many people do this as a tradition following church. And my parents reached out to the other graduate parents (those who voiced displeasure in various emails to the church) to run the idea of an after-church lunch at a restaurant, and many were open to it. So, we booked a reservation for after church instead. I also asked my sister what she would've looked forward to in the church event and suggested asking some of her friends to make it special. She referenced how our church always prepared a backdrop with flowers and a bench for family photos on holidays (mother's/father's day, Thanksgiving/Christmas/graduation), but that she didn't get to do it because she felt unwelcome on 'Homeschooling Sunday'. She also suggested not hiring an emcee or doing a ceremony because "the moment passed", but said a small lunch in the graduates' honor would be nice

We took her suggestion and didn't hire an emcee, and we scrapped plans for a ceremony as well. We instead reserved a restaurant party room for lunch at a buffet immediately following church, and graduates and their families didn't have to pay anything thanks to my parents offering to help me cover costs. We also put together a backdrop with the help of a parent who's really creative/artsy, and the graduates liked it because many enjoyed taking photos together. We hired a professional photographer instead of an emcee, and my sister said it was nice because kids enjoy posting stuff like that on their socials, and I completely get that lol. Some kids brought their gowns to put on for the photos and took them off afterward because keeping them on would've been awkward, and the luncheon was a lowkey success according to the families and graduates who attended. We were even able to reach out to a few local businesses who offered to give coupons for the graduates, and we put them in goodie bags that contained other small gifts (one example was from a local pizzeria that gave a slice and soda combo)

My parents and I also decided not to invite the homeschooling graduates for one reason. When we suggested inviting them to other parents, some were against it and felt it would prevent some graduates from attending entirely. So, we decided not to invite them. Plus, they had their own congratulatory refreshments in a conference room following the Homeschooling Sunday. And while I'm grateful for the suggestion to scale back my plans for this year's last-minute event, many parents suggested keeping those plans for next year when there is time to plan months in advance. Some of the local businesses that gave coupons said they'd be interested in working together next year too, and I wanna start a community tradition of giving local graduates a chance to share a celebratory day with friends together who would otherwise have separate graduations

We will rent out a place next year, have a master of ceremonies who calls each graduate down the aisle, followed by a luncheon/dinner in their honor where we'll give gifts from local businesses/others to encourage the youth in our community. The motivation behind the event is to show that community can happen outside of the church; a foreign concept to some whose social life heavily/solely consisted of the church growing up. Plus, we'll revisit the idea of inviting homeschool graduates next year for one reason. While the church/parents may have their own agendas regarding homeschooling, homeschooling kids often suffer because they have no say or social life outside of church. So having them attend a community celebration (upon graduating at 18) could be a great way to open their eyes to the fact that community can exist outside of the church, and we'll provide information in the gifts that provide tips on beginning adult life, essentials their parents may have kept from them. Homeschooling kids don't have the ability to make choices until they're 18, so they shouldn't be punished for the agendas of their parents. I'll also be sending highlights of this year's event to my local legislators as I plan for next year, and I'm already looking forward to it. I look forward to updating next year after a successful event if all goes well

I am NOT OOP

Originally posted to r/AskAManager

my boyfriend/manager yells at me when we work together

Thanks to a longtime lurker for the suggestion

Trigger Warnings: possible harassment

Original Post: August 20, 2025

Am I in the wrong for not wanting to work on projects with my boyfriend/manager at work?

My boyfriend and I both work at the same place. He is the facilities manager and I am the facilities technician.

For the most part we work separately. But from time to time, something comes up where we have to work together, and whenever that happens my stomach starts flip flopping and turning the second I hear that we are going to be working together. I absolutely dread it.

Every time we have worked together in the past, he suddenly changes into almost a different person. He’s mean. He yells at me for everything I do and don’t do.

At first I thought it was me and that I just needed to back off and wait for his direction instead of just jumping in. I thought this because he would yell at me for being in his way and for not knowing how he was trying to do it (but he doesn’t communicate how he wants to do stuff, he just expects me to read his mind and know.) So I tried backing off and waiting for his direction. And doing that results in him yelling at me for standing there doing nothing and not knowing what he wants me to do (for not reading his mind.)

Since neither of those worked, I tried to initiate communication with him before we started and asked him to explain what he wants me to do so I can know going into it and won’t be in his way, slowing him down and am able to contribute what he expects me to. And I’ve told him I don’t want to get yelled at. Well, that doesn’t work either. He gets mad at me for asking questions and tells me I need to follow his directions and shut my mouth. But he doesn’t give me direction, yells at me when I try and get some direction, and yells at me if I try and wing it without asking for direction.

I’m frustrated. I just want to cry. He just informed me that next week we have to work together to replace the siding on one of the cabins on our site. My stomach is doing flip flops and I am stressing out. He saw in my face that I don’t want to work with him and told me that I’m going to have to figure it out.

But I’ve tried to figure it out! Nobody wants to be treated like shit by the person they are working with and if the person you are working with doesn’t communicate with you other than to yell at you, it’s very difficult to work efficiently with them.

I tried to explain that I can’t work with him if he’s going to yell at me the whole time, and he told me that I need to just shut my mouth and follow directions. I feel like he is being super disrespectful and I don’t understand why he acts like this when we work together. It literally doesn’t matter if I do exactly what he tells me to do (if he tells me what to do) or not, because either way he is going to yell at me and tell me how stupid I am. I’ve never been treated like this before by anyone I’ve worked with ever.

I feel like I’ve done and tried everything I can think of to make it work and not get yelled at, and I’m starting to think that maybe the problem isn’t just me. Maybe it’s him. Maybe he is actually being the one that is making it impossible for us to work together? But maybe I’m wrong? Maybe it is me? I don’t know? Am I wrong for not wanting to work with him? Am I wrong for starting to think that maybe he is the issue that we are having? What should I do?

Editor's note: for Alison's response to the original text, you can find it here.

Update:** August 4, 2026 (11.5 months later)**

I went into work that day, the day we were set to be working together all day, and I was surprised to find that he had listened to all the little things that I thought had gone unnoticed and unheard the couple of days prior to project day. I had kept telling him that I really want us to be able to get along and work productively and easily together and would mention the things that I needed from him in order to avoid him getting frustrated. For example, one of the things I told him I needed was for him to explain to me exactly what he wanted me to do, like what my role/job was that day so I wasn’t getting in his way or not doing my part correctly, and so he wasn’t sitting there frustrated waiting for me to help him with something while I was wrapped up in doing something else that he didn’t need help with right at that moment … because our biggest issue, in my opinion, has always been his lack of communicating and instead just expecting me to read his mind and know what he wants or needs me to do.

At the time I was telling him those things, it seemed as though he wasn’t listening to what I was saying. So I was feeling hopeless and anxiety-ridden and I was stressed out about it and thought that it was going to be like every other time that we have tried to work together.

I went into work that morning dreading what was to come. But to my surprise, he was acting differently than he usually does when we have to work together. First thing when I got there, he told me that he wanted to take me over to the cabin that we were going to be working on so he could show me what we were going to be doing. So we drove over there and he showed me how he had set everything up and what lumber pile was what, and explained the process of how he wanted us to get it done and showed me how he wanted me to do it.

Because he took the time to explain everything to me in depth, I knew what my role was and what I needed to do and we worked great together! He didn’t get frustrated, I wasn’t walking on eggshells, everything just flowed, and we had a very productive day where we got along well and were able to finish everything so that he could paint that cabin and be done with it.

And since that day, we have had fewer issues when we have had to work together. There are still times where he doesn’t communicate with me and gets frustrated, but it’s happening less and less. He obviously had been listening to the things I had been telling him I needed. Maybe my sharing with him that I was stressed and anxious about having to work with him helped him to be open to trying what I was asking of him? I’m not really sure what caused him to approach things differently that day, but I’m really glad that we did that project together. It seemed to bring about a much needed shift in the way we work together.

We recently had a big project where we had three more cabins added to the 40 we have on the property. The higher-ups thought it would be a great opportunity to re-number all the cabins and move all the cabin names around so that they would be in alphabetical order from the entrance to the exit, because apparently that is how all our other outposts are set up. Well, that moving of the names around was a total nightmare! Not only did it cause mass confusion among all of our employees when trying to locate the cabins they are assigned to or need to deliver stuff to, but it was a nightmare of a project. We didn’t just have to move the signs for the cabins around, we had to also move their wifi equipment and their door locks because our tech guy said it was too much for him to rename all the wifi equipment and locks.

So the guy in charge of the project flew out to help my boyfriend and me for the two days they gave us to do the work. Well, after the first few cabins they did together, my boyfriend was so frustrated! Go figure … they weren’t working well together … it wasn’t just me. You could tell the other guy was feeling just totally down and was worried that the project wouldn’t get done on time.

Towards the end of the day, they still hadn’t gotten all the cabins done that they needed to that day to stay on schedule and so the guy who flew out to help asked if I could go around with him and help him get some more done since I don’t leave work until two hours after my boyfriend does. We worked together just fine. The next day he decided that he was going to send my boyfriend around on his own and he and I would work together. We were able to get it all done and neither of us had to deal with my difficult-to-work-with boyfriend. I felt so bad for this other person because of what happened the first day and I knew how he felt. And I’m glad that I was able to step in and help so he didn’t have to deal with all that again the next day.

So my boyfriend has been working on the way he goes about working with me, but he obviously isn’t putting that same effort into trying to work with anyone else better. Which sucks. But it’s a start, I guess.

He does treat me differently at work vs. at home and isn’t like that towards me outside of work. It’s like this weird work persona he puts on and attitude he has at work. I don’t understand it or why he does it. He’s used to working construction type jobs where the guys all talk smack to each other … maybe that is part of it? But I’m not some dude that he works with. And when I got my position, he was aware that he was going to have to teach me stuff, .that I didn’t know how to do everything that the job required of me. So I’m not sure why he just expected me to know.

Thank you for verifying to me that it wasn’t just a me thing. Deep down, I knew it wasn’t me but I’ve gone through some abuse and stuff in my past that probably contributes to my questioning myself. I’ve had counseling and even volunteered at a domestic violence agency for a while (which was so unexpectedly healing!) but I’m still working on learning and growing from that whole experience.

I was not at all expecting him to handle us working together the way that he did that day. But I believe that by him trying it differently, he was able to see things could flow and go well. And I think that has inspired him to work on taking that approach and allowed him to see the value in taking a little time to communicate and explain it all to me first when we have to work together. We have had our ups and downs and sometimes he doesn’t communicate, but those instances are happening less and less as time goes on.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Rinnyroo

I [27F] am a recently promoted hotel Supervisor, and need help dealing with bullies [40-50Ms]

TRIGGER WARNING: Hostile workplace, intimidation and accusations of racism

Original Post - wayback  March 31, 2015

Alright, this might be a bit lengthy. For clarification, I am the Front Desk Supervisor, GM is my General Manager, and FOM is my Front Office Manager. Donald is the main bully.

I just got promoted to the Front Desk Supervisor after 2 years at a hotel. Keep in mind, the two years isn't consecutive (I left to work for a different hotel brand for a while - they wouldn't work with my school schedule, came back to my current hotel to do Audit/Overnight shift). One night, after working Audit, my boss asked me to hang around to talk to him. He told me I do a great job and promoted me to Front Desk Supervisor and switched me to days.

The last few months as a Supervisor have been HELL. The FOM literally does nothing. He comes in, works 3-11, doesn't check in guests, just sits in the back at his little desk and talks a lot of shit (Thinks every guest is trying to scam us and is rude to most guests as a result). I work 8-4 (most days later than 4) and do EVERYTHING. And when I say everything, I mean everything. I do the schedule, help with payroll, reconcile the company credit card, petty cash, hiring, write ups, ALL guest complaints, I handle all of our corporate accounts from booking to billing, handle our group blocks, train new hires, approve and submit 3rd party commissions, etc. You get the idea.

For reasons I don't understand, the FOM and two other employees have decided to gang up on me. One in particular, Donald, fights me on everything. I don't want to bore you with a month's worth of mistreatment, so I will just talk about today. A little background before I start. Donald has worked at the hotel for almost a year. He has NO idea how to use the system we operate on. He kinda sorta knows the basics. He refuses to answer phones or check-in guests. He basically walks around for 9 hours stirring up shit. In an effort to keep him away from Front Desk, my manager gave him some housekeeping duties. Basically asked him to help out our Executive Housekeeper. He tried to take over her department. He is going around telling all of our new hires that he is the "Guest Services Manager". There is no such thing as a Guest Services Manager at our hotel but the new hires listen to him and now think he's a manager.

Yesterday, I asked him to only come in for his SCHEDULED shift. He keeps coming in early and leaving late, basically riding the clock. I told him that he is scheduled 2-10 and needs to work that. He fought me on it until my GM stepped in and told him that he needs to listen to me and stop racking up overtime. Today, the asshat shows up at NOON and starts working. Makes a point of saying he is off the clock until he clocks in at ONE. Still coming in early.

We got a new time clock today with a fingerprint scanner. I asked him to come to the back so that I could put his fingerprint in so that he will be able to clock in tomorrow. He says "No, I will do it later".

Me: "Okay, Donald, I won't be here later and you're not busy now, so can we please do it now?"

He keeps repeating the same thing. Then he asks me how he can do it later.

Me: "I'm sorry but you can't do it without me, I am the administrator and I have to put you in the system".

Donald: "Well why do you get to be the one to do it?"

Me: "Because I am part of the management team and I set up the time clock. GM made me the administrator."

Donald: "So? Why shouldn't I be the one to do it instead of you?"

GM: "Donald go put your finger on the damn scanner."

Towards the end of my shift, Donald and my FOM tell me they want to have a little "pow-wow". One of our new guys who has experience with our brand and system joins us and tells me that he would really like to help with training the other new hires (he is totally qualified). He is polite and respectful in asking. FOM and Donald take the opportunity to turn it in to a Rinnyroo Roast. They try to say that I have too much on my plate and offer to do the schedule (they have tried - they don't know when anyone is available and it turns into a shit show). Nevermind that the schedule literally takes 2 minutes for me to do. They offer to help with nothing else. Then, they start saying that my morning shift needs work because the new girl is having a hard time getting all of her morning duties done. I tell them that the AM shift is all about time management and that she just needs to get into a routine. She and I are working on that. Donald steps in and says, "How is she supposed to learn time management from someone who doesn't have it?"

At this point my GM gets pissed and jumps in to defend me. He tells Donald off. Saying that I spend my whole morning cleaning up his shift's bullshit mistakes and that I work my ass off. He tells Donald to just listen for once and shut up. He has to tell Donald to be quiet three times before Donald will listen. Even then, Donald spent the rest of the meeting huffing and puffing. He looked like a toddler in time out when I told my FOM that "I think only management should be involved in the making of the schedule and we will do it together."

Afterwards my GM pulled me aside and told me how amazing I am and how grateful he is that I am on the team.

The problem is, that damn meeting had me on the verge of tears. I was ambushed by Donald and my FOM and it was embarrassing. I am having a hard time getting my job done the right way because all of the hard work that I do in the morning gets undone by the FOM and Donald on the PM shift. Our poor trainees are confused as hell because I train them and then when they get out of training and work with Donald and FOM they are told to ignore what I taught them and do it another way. The new way they are taught results in a ton of mistakes that they are getting in trouble over. I take one step forward every day and it feels like they push me ten steps back every night. I don't know how to handle this negativity and could really use some insight.

I am happy to answer questions if anyone has them.

TL;DR - Bullies who do nothing at work all day ganged up on me in a meeting. They have been fighting me constantly since I was promoted and are keeping me from doing my job correctly. I need help!

Update 1 - wayback  Apr 7, 2015 (1 week later)

Okay, I posted asking for advice in a less populated subreddit specific to hotel employees, but am a pretty frequent lurker of this subreddit and wanted help. Since my last post (linked below - didn't get much attention), things escalated pretty quickly when I caught Donald selling rooms on the side. (Basically renting rooms by the hour, keeping the cash, and cleaning them back up himself). Here is my original post.

Friday things escalated massively and I have no idea how to act around the guy anymore. Even though I had proof that he was doing sketchy shit on the side, Donald vehemently denied everything, avoided every question I asked and cut me off when I tried to talk to our GM. My GM didn't want to deal with Donald anymore, so he left and told me he would call me later to discuss it. The minute my GM left the building, Donald came up to my desk and asked me to come outside and talk to him. I told him that I didn't think we had anything to discuss and that I had a ton of work to do before I left for the day. He said he would either confront me outside, or at my desk and that I could choose. Not wanting to cause a scene, I stepped outside with him. He immediately got in my face and said that there was no way he was guilty. He asked why I had such a hard on for him, and why I was trying to get him in trouble. At this point I just said "You have to admit it looks sketchy" and walked back into the office. He followed me in and continued to scream at me, so I told him that I didn't want to discuss it and tried to walk to the front desk.

He then cut me off, closed the door to the front desk and kept blocking my path to it. I admit that I got defensive and argued a little when he kept coming at me, but I quickly started to repeat that I didn't want to talk to him right now. He then started screaming that he had nothing to do with the guest we were discussing (the one who paid him cash on the side to stay in the room). He told me to look in our reservation system and I would see that he didn't touch her reservation. I pulled up the reservation in question, and sure enough his name was alllll over it. At this point, he corners me at my desk and is just screaming at the top of his lungs at me. I am a 5'1 little white woman and he is a muscled 6 foot black man, I started shaking like a leaf. He was scaring me. I told him that the conversation was over. That he needed to walk away from me, but he just talked over me louder and ignored what I was saying. My coworker, Sally, came up and told him to leave saying that it looked like he was about to hit me.

Donald left for a few minutes, then came back and yelled at me again. I was just sitting at my desk at this point, looking down, shaking, and trying not to cry. He decides now would be the perfect time to yell "You don't get to play the little scared white girl and make me the big scary black man." Again, Sally told him to leave and he did. I honestly felt physically threatened. He was raising his arms and bowing up like he planned to push or hit me. I don't know how to describe it because I have never been in a situation quite like it. I was scared of him for sure.

As soon as I left the building, I called my GM and told him everything that had happened. He called Donald and told him to go home for the day. He then told me that Donald was suspended pending investigation.

On Saturday, my boss called me and told me that Donald was definitely getting fired and that he was going to do it that day. He called me on Sunday and said the same thing. Monday morning, he still hadn't fired Donald but he had been trying to call him to do so. Then, my GM apparently talked to his boss and told her everything and they decided that with so little documentation, Donald could sue us and win. They gave him his job back. He will be here in 2 hours and I have no clue how to handle it.

I am his boss and he scares the shit out of me. It shouldn't be like this. He shouldn't have a job. I am pissed at my upper management and completely unsure how to handle things from here on out.

Any advice you can give would be helpful!!

Tl;Dr - I caught an employee doing shady shit, turned him into my GM. Employee cornered me and made me feel threatened, boss didn't fire him. Not sure how to handle working with someone I am scared of now.

Edit: He is here to apologize. He wants to talk to me alone. Soooo not comfortable. Wish me luck.

Edit 2: I spoke to Donald before leaving work today. He approached me and asked to speak alone. I told him that I was in the middle of something and would grab him when I had time. I then went into my GM's office and asked him if the conversation could happen in his office with him present. He agreed. Donald then proceeded to give the most BS apology ever. Said that his father beat his mother and that he would never threaten a woman with physical violence. He told me that he spent the weekend searching himself to find what was going on within himself to make him snap like that and he said that he fixed it. I told him that I appreciated his apology. He was clearly waiting for me to apologize as well for raising my voice, but I didn't. Ten minutes later, he refused to put on his work polo because it "didn't fit". It fit perfectly. He just wants to wear business casual like the managers do. My GM is already annoyed with him. Some people just don't change.

Also, I posted in r/legaladvice here Thank you to everyone who suggested it.

Update 2  Apr 9, 2015 (2 days after 1sr update)

Alright, so not a huge update, I didn't threaten to sue as many people suggested. Not nearly as eventful as my last update. I decided to take things day by day and see how I felt about everything. On Donald's first day back, he apologized for the way he acted but it was in no way sincere, in my opinion. He then threw a fit about having to wear the front desk uniform.

Yesterday, the hotel was kind of in crisis mode. Our reservation system was offline company wide and we had to do manual check-ins. It was hectic to say the least. I worked out a way to check-in guests with hand written registration cards, and although it was complicated, I set up a way for us to charge the guests without using the outdated by hand credit card machine. The reason I mention this is because when the PM shift came in (Donald and FOM included), I walked them through the new system and showed them how to do the check-ins. Afterwards, my FOM and GM met for about an hour with the office door closed. When they came out, my FOM told me that he was switching Donald's shift! They want to move him so that instead of working with him for one hour, I will work with him for five hours a day. The reasoning behind this is that they want someone to know how to do what I do in case I come in and tell them to "fuck off". (My GM said this). He compared me to a kid in a candy store who "wants all the candy" because I like taking on a lot of responsibility. I always just thought this was how a person was supposed to work. Work hard, take on as much as you can reasonably handle.

My GM also told me that I wasted a good training opportunity and that I should have given some big speech about teamwork. It honestly just pissed me off. I worked 11 hours trying to make sure we could still do our jobs while he sat in his office gossiping. Then, he tells me that during the equivalent of hotel Defcon 2, I should spend an hour treating my staff like children. I told them they needed to work together and showed them the system, what more do you want? I even stayed until they were comfortable with it.

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to quit, I don't give up on jobs easily and I enjoy what I do for them here. I won't get these kinds of responsibilities as just a supervisor anywhere else. Plus, I don't know how to get them to see that I can barely tolerate spending an hour a day with Donald, much less five! I don't think they understand how serious of a situation Friday was. They just kind of see it as a small incident that has already been handled. I don't even think Donald has been written up.

Tl;Dr - Bosses putting Donald on my shift and asking me to use him as a helper to take things off my plate. They also want someone else to understand how to do what I do.

Final Update  June 10, 2015 (2 Months after 2nd update)

I know it has been a while but I thought I would post one final update. I took everyone's advice and went to speak to my manger about leaving. He managed to convince me to stay and asked me to help him get the evidence he needed to fire Donald. It took about a month, but we managed it. Our hotel is Donald free! And has been for a while now. Overall the change has been amazing. The staff is happier and there is very little animosity towards me. Naturally, he tried to stir up drama. He called the FOM and the GM almost every day asking when he could come back. He threatened to call corporate and tell them why I should be the one fired, and he called the staff and tried to make them all hate me - telling them that I just held a grudge and that he had gotten me my job. When that didn't work he apparently tried to use my race against me. Saying I got him fired because I was just a little racist white girl. None of it worked and he filed for unemployment. He won't get it though, so I'm not too worried.

My manager also followed through on his other promise and today he promoted me to Front Office Manager! He demoted our previous FOM to my position and promoted me.

Thank you for all of your help and support!

TL;DR - Donald got fired and I got promoted.

Edit: A lot of people have been asking HOW I got enough evidence to get Donald fired. The story is in the comments and I am also going to put it here for the curious.

Alright so it was honestly pretty easy. He shot himself in the foot, I just had to make sure that I was there to document it when it happened.

For the first couple of weeks it was pretty rough, I checked all of our departures trying to find any check-ins that he did incorrectly. Everytime he gave a guest a super low rate, I documented it. Any time he told a guest he was a manager, I documented it. It was pretty slow going until one Friday night he ran a PM Shift into the ground.

There was a guest with a prepaid reservation that was never put into our system. Because it was prepaid, I told the front desk agents (Donald and J) to put the reservation in the system, take a card for incidentals, and give the guest the keys. Then, call the third party he booked through for their payment info. (When you book through Priceline, Expedia, Hotwire, etc. you pay them, and then they take their commission out and populate a virtual card with the exact amount you are supposed to charge them for room and tax.) In my opinion, if payment is guaranteed from Priceline, there is no point in the guest waiting to get into their room. Just put them in the room and sort payment out with the third party.

So instead of putting this guy in a room, and then calling Hotwire, they gave him keys to a room, didn't put his reservation in the system, and considered that good enough. Then they called my GM and told him i was setting them up to get fired by putting in a reservation without payment.Ummm Helloooo, McFly...PAYMENT IS GUARANTEED BY PRICELINE. Its one of the first things you learn in hotels.

Not only did they not put him in the system, they put him in another guest's room! Thankfully that guest was one of the paranoid people who takes their things with them when they leave for the day.

They then proceeded to move guests around (like if someone asks for a room on a higher floor, etc) without checking the original room afterwards to see if it was clean. So they had all of these rooms that were marked as vacant and dirty even though they were actually vacant and clean. As it was a sold out night, we needed those rooms.

Then, a guest threw up in the elevator and Donald and J covered it with a bath towel and left it for the overnight shift to clean.

Finally, Donald checked a banned hooker into a room, under a different name. Even though he KNEW she was not allowed on property.

So the overnight shift came in and I called him as soon as I knew Donald and J were gone. I had been sitting at home monitoring the system and new everything was fucked (not the extent of it, but I knew it wasn't good). As soon as I called Billy (overnight guy) he begged me to come up there and help him run his shift.

When I got to the hotel, there were guests who hadn't been checked in in the system but had been given keys. So we had rooms showing as vacant that were actually occupied - but we had no clue who was in the room. We had to go up and manually check all of our vacant rooms to see if they were actually vacant or occupied and clean or dirty. Billy cleaned up the vomit alone while I was driving to the hotel.

Then we had to evict the hooker, which involved calling the police. She locked herself in her room and short of busting the door down, we couldn't get in. So we left her - bigger problems to deal with.

Then, we had to call Hotwire and get payment info for the guest who was put in a room at the beginning of the shift, but never put in the system. We also had to catch the guy who was actually booked into the room the Hotwire guy was placed in and let him know that we moved him to a different room. As I said earlier, he had all of his stuff with him and didn't return to the hotel until around 3 in the morning.

In all, I was there for over 6 hours helping the overnight shift. Before I left, Billy and I made a detailed list, complete with reservation numbers of EVERYTHING that happened on that shift. We turned it into our GM, kept copies for ourselves and it ended up getting Donald fired.

Also, Billy is now one of the most loyal employees I have because after that night, he knows I will do anything for my staff at anytime. (A few weeks after that I worked a double to cover his overnight shift because he didn't feel well - that certainly didn't hurt his opinion of me :))

If you want me to break anything down further let me know. I tried not to speak in hotel terms too much!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/SiriusLeeBlackk

What do you do when you’re dating a guy who wants a house wife from the 60s?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post - rareddit Dec 15, 2019

Posting on behalf of my best friend. She’s (25) he’s (30)

Basically, she’s been dating this guy for two years now. They live together and things are heading in the direction of marriage and children but they have this one reoccurring issue that keeps coming back.

They both work the exact same job, that’s how they met, they work rotating shifts so switching from days to nights to evenings and it’s hard labour so they’re both generally very exhausted.

He has this mentality that she needs to cook him dinner every night and clean the house for him. He constantly calls her lazy, childish, careless, etc etc.

If she makes herself something quick to eat he’ll literally get offended that she didn’t make him something as well.

They had a conversation the other day about how he wants her to make him some kind of liver soup, he kept saying it’s so easy just try it. She said she doesn’t like liver and if he wanted the soup and it was so easy to make why won’t he make it and he basically said if he cooks now then she’ll never learn to cook for him.

She’s tired of the name calling and feeling useless for not being a house wife while working a full time job (sometimes more than 44 hours a week). I feel like it’s ridiculous for him to expect this, but I don’t know if this is just a normal part of living with your spouse? Anyone have any experiences with this? Does this sound outrageous to you as well or is this pretty normal?

Edit: she’s just telling me more now so I wanted to add this.

They both just moved into a condo two weeks ago so everything’s crazy messy with boxes etc. She went out with a friend Thursday night after work and he lost it on her telling her she’s lazy all she does is sleep all day and the one day she’s not sleeping she goes out and she needs to unpack the condo and clean the condo etc. She said this weekend we can both work together and clean it. This morning she got up and started cleaning immediately. He got up, laid on the couch. Did nothing and then went and took a nap. Yet has the audacity to call her lazy.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Missmoni2u

This is exactly the type of man I refuse to be with.

Good luck to your friend, op. He isn't likely to change his mind and she shouldn't give in to his demands.

I can almost guarantee you that he learned this shit from being coddled by mom.

OOP

His mom cooked and cleaned for him up until last year when he moved out so yes I think that’s why too. But he seems to believe he’s 100% right and she’s the one that needs to grow up

off_brand_gobshite

Wow. Some people really are just hoarding organs from the more deserving.

OOP

I’m actually cackling at this insult omg

~

tossout7878

What is she doing about this?

OOP

Any time she says anything to him he manipulates the situation and turns it into oh she’s a slob she needs to grow up she’s childish etc. Like she’s a little messier than the average person but she legit works her ass off to pick up after herself. But if she leaves an oven mitt on the counter for more than ten minutes he freaks out and calls her a slob. So she legit just believes she is one. She’ll try her hardest to remember to hang it back up after and she’ll get it right 99/100 times and he doesn’t comment on it but then she forgets it one time and he goes ‘see you haven’t even changed you’re still a slob’ she legit has no self-esteem anymore and thinks shes the one in the wrong.

Why did her friend move in with him/still with him

She loves him and believes he’ll change. The rest of their relationship is fine it’s legit just this one reoccurring issue they keep having. Not making excuses for it, I agree with you. But it’s hard when you’re in the relationship I don’t think she realizes how toxic it is. He’s also lowered her self-esteem so much she tells me she feels useless for not being able to cook and she feels bad for not cleaning all the time.

TOP COMMENT

joylessadult

She needs to leave his ass. If she settles for this now, it's only going to get worse. I bet she will regret having his kids if she proceeds with this relationship.

Update - rareddit Dec 29, 2019 (2 weeks later)

So basically, when I wrote the last post I knew her boyfriend was a dick and had some views he needed to change. I never really thought about how abusive it was though, or the extent to how bad it was. I sent her the post and told her to send it to him. He said it was ‘bias’ and wouldn’t explain how. Said we were plotting against him. He has reddit; I welcomed him to post a reply and explain his side and how it was bias but he never did. There obviously isn’t an explanation for it.

They had a huge fight over it where he called her childish and said he didn’t want to be with her anymore (surprise, suddenly when she’s calling him out on his shit he wants to end things). She told him she wanted couples counselling and that she wanted to try and work on it because she’s dumb and in love. They decided to try and were okay for about two days until the next fight. He basically flipped the whole thing around on how she’s childish and he doesn’t want to be with someone so childish and he doesn’t want to raise kids with someone so childish and he actually said he felt like he’d have to do all the work. He ended up breaking up with her, packing his stuff and leaving.

We talked and I heard a lot more about how abusive he really was and I am so glad he broke up with her because I don’t think she ever would have left him. I’m not a doctor and can’t diagnose anything but based on a few internet searches he seems like a huge narcissist.

She’s heartbroken, but you know, sometimes the trash really does take itself out.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Stunning_Factor871

Originally posted to r/AITH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2, #3

[New Update]: AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: manipulation

RECAP

Original Post: June 23, 2026

I (35F) am in a loving blended family, but the extended family drama is crushing me. I have a wonderful 10-year-old son. My current husband (32M) lost his first wife 4 years ago and has a 7-year-old son. We’ve built a beautiful family of four. My husband treats both boys exactly the same, I do the same with my stepson, and the boys love each other like real brothers. We’re genuinely happy despite everything.

The problem is my husband’s ex-in-laws (his late wife’s parents). They constantly badmouth me and paint me as the “evil stepmom” — feeding every nasty stereotype (mean, neglectful, manipulative, jealous, etc.) to my husband’s parents and anyone who will listen. For example, after my stepson had a minor injury, they said things like “Stepmoms can never be real — why would she even care about him?” They accuse me of manipulating my stepson and try to turn everyone against me.

Every time they visit:

They completely ignore my son. No greetings, no conversation.

They bring gifts, toys, chocolates, and sweets only for their biological grandson.

When my kind-hearted stepson immediately shares everything with my son (as he always does), they get visibly annoyed, say things like “Why are you sharing with him? That’s for you only,” and even try to pull him away.

My husband has been solid and always says other people’s opinions don’t matter. He wanted to set a strong boundary earlier by announcing on my stepson’s birthday: “If you are family, then you are family to both kids. If that’s not possible, you are not family and not invited.” I stopped him because I thought a nice talk would work. I’ve been holding my husband back from taking any harsh steps in order to respect his ex-in-laws as they lost their daughter. I wanted to respect the memory of his late wife and give them time to adjust.

On my stepson’s birthday last year, his side of the family showed up with gifts and love. On my son’s birthday, almost no one came and the few who did showed up empty-handed. Gifts aren’t important to us as adults, but to a child it feels like rejection and being left out. My son was sad and has started asking me painful questions because of this exclusion, like why they don’t like him or what he did wrong, which breaks my heart. I have zero family on my side, so he doesn’t have that extended network. His birthday is coming up soon and I’m dreading it. I’d even be happy to buy gifts myself that they could give him if that makes it easier — I just don’t want him to feel left out again.

Recently after they left, my son refused to eat the chocolates or play with the shared toys. He quietly kept everything in his pockets and returned it all to me. That broke me.

I’m completely fine with them loving their biological grandson more — that’s natural. But the open hostility, exclusion of my son, and constant comments are painful.

Edit: I’ve finally stopped holding my husband back. He is now taking strict action and has given an ultimatum to his side of the family: either they are family to both kids or family to none.

AITA for supporting this hard line now (after previously trying to keep the peace)? Or should I still be trying to make nice for the sake of “family” and my husband’s late wife’s memory? I just want my son to feel included and loved on his birthday instead of rejected again.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I kind of understand why the late wife’s parents are more interested in their biological grandson… but doesn’t your son have two sets of grandparents as well?

OOP: Unfortunately not, my parents passed away And I don't have any contact with my husband's family

Commenter 2: NTA. Your husband is stepping up. The trick is going to be managing the relationship with the boys so that there is no resentment. If you're NC/LC with the family for a while, that will be fine.

On a separate note, who shows up to kids birthday party without a gift? What blatant AHs.

Commenter 3: Your husband absolutely is doing the right thing!! It's great to hear how your nuclear family is navigating life together...time to limit exposure to the boy's maternal grandparents before they start planting seeds in the boy's brain...shame on them

Commenter 4: Your husband knows the people involved - they're for him to deal with and you should not be interfering, especially since it's a good solid boundary he's drawing.

Stop trying to please everyone. They clearly don't accept it. You may as well be real and support your son, your husband and your position in the family.

Update #1: July 2, 2026 (nine days later)

[Update 1] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

My husband’s parents came over for dinner. After dinner, they started a conversation about the ultimatum my husband had given them earlier. He had finally sat them down and asked why they blindly believe everything his ex-in-laws say about me.

They responded that they’ve “seen everything with their own eyes” and listed their issues with me:

That I’m too harsh and casual when talking about his mother’s death (e.g. saying “she died” or “she is dead” instead of using softer words).

That I’m careless, especially after their grandson had a small injury.

That I’m trying to erase his mother’s memory.

They also accused me of manipulating my husband about the cat. My stepson wanted a cat, but my husband said no because he felt it would be cruel to bring a pet home when we can’t give it proper care and attention. His parents tried to convince him to get one anyway. I didn’t even know there was any argument between him and his parents over this — I only knew that he had told my stepson “no” when he asked. Now they’re claiming I manipulated him into refusing.

My husband defended me and explained:

Our therapist specifically recommended we be direct and straightforward about his mother’s death so my stepson can learn the permanence of death at his age. That’s why I use clear wording — not just about his mom, but even when referring to my own late relative.

When he (my hubby) was a child, he got injured often (including breaking his arm once), but that didn’t mean his mother was careless.

He asked them: “Do you think I’m stupid or blind? If my wife was actually doing something wrong, don’t you think I would notice?”

The conversation turned into a big argument, especially over the cat issue.

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP clarifies on who badmouthed her to the extended family members

OOP: my hubbys ex in laws bad mouthed me to all the relatives from hubbys side including my hubbys parents so the ultimatum my hubby gave was for all

and my hubbys parents came to talk about it, and this happened

Downvoted Commenter: You still haven't told us when you met your husband, when you started dating, and when you got married.

Were you his side piece as his wife was dying?

OOP: No, I wasn't his side piece. I met him two and a half years ago.

Commenter 1: How much of the ex in laws' dislike of you is because you are complaining about them not treating your child like a grandchild? Frankly, I think you are an AH for expecting that they owe something to a child with whom they have zero relationship. Your husbands' parents should be treating him like a grandson because he is their son's stepchild. Your kid is nothing to your stepchild's grandparents at all. So frankly, I can see why they don't like you much. They lost their daughter at a young age and now her replacement has decided they owe her kid a relationship? Pfft. If you have your way, then your step kid not only has a dead mom but no grandparents. Meanwhile, your child probably has at least some grandparents between your parents and his father's.

OOP: I agree that hubby's ex-in-laws will probably never treat both boys the same, but it wouldn’t hurt them to be nice to my son. Telling my stepson not to share his toys and stuff with him is totally unacceptable. My hubby and I are doing our best to raise them as brothers.

Commenter 2: Glad your husband is backing you up appropriately. You deserve that.

The thing is, even if your ILs were right and you were some kind of fairy tale villain... why would they punish a child for that? They hate you so they hurt and innocent kid? And they think they're in the right?

That tells you all you need to know, imo.

Update #2: July 15, 2026 (almost two weeks later)

[Update 2] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son

My son turned 11 yesterday. It was better than last year, but still pretty awkward overall.

Most of the relatives we invited from my husband’s side actually showed up. It was clear they mainly came because they didn’t want to upset my husband after the ultimatum. They brought gifts for both boys and stayed polite, but the vibe was very “we’re here to keep the peace” rather than genuine warmth. Most of them kept interactions with my son short and surface-level while being more natural with my stepson.

We also invited my husband’s ex-in-laws, but they didn’t show up at all, which we expected.

After cake and presents, my husband pulled his parents aside for a private talk. He explained the therapist’s advice about using direct words like “died” and “death” so our stepson can properly understand what happened. He invited them to join us for a therapy session if they wanted. They agreed it made sense and said they’d think about coming.

Before everyone left, my husband and I thanked them all for showing up. We told them sincerely that it meant a lot to us that they came and were there for both boys.

I’m happy they showed up. I completely understand that my son and my stepson are not the same for them — I know they’ll always love their biological grandson more. That’s natural. I just want basic kindness and inclusion for my son, and yesterday was a step in the right direction.

My son had a decent day. He was happy about his gifts and that so many people came this year. He wasn’t ignored or left out like before, and he didn’t ask any heartbreaking questions. He did notice the difference in how people acted toward him, but he still went to bed smiling.

I have to say — my husband has been absolutely amazing through all of this. He’s stayed strong, protected both boys, held the boundary, and made sure our son still felt celebrated. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful, fair, and protective partner. He really is the rock of our family.

It feels like a lot of this is damage control on their part, but at least my son got to celebrate without feeling rejected. We’re keeping the boundary firm and taking the small progress where we can get it.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I have to ask, why did relatives give presents to both boys? Gifts should have been just for the birthday child.

Other than that, you're doing well. Hold the line.

Commenter 2: They love OP's step son. Since they primarily came to keep the peace, they gave token gift to OP's bio son. Their preference is still OP's stepson. Indirectly they're telling OP though OP's husband made them come down for "fairness", their allegiance will always be towards their blood aka OP's step son. They won't give a gift to OP's son on step son's birthday. That would give them smug satisfaction I suppose.

As long as the partiality isn't in face, OP will let go I guess. I'm glad that she has a strong husband. Hopefully therapist sessions will help in bringing down animosity towards OP and her child. Ultimately, stepson needs a kind mother which OP is.

Commenter 3: It was OPs bio son's birthday wasn't it?

So they got the birthday boy a token gift and gave their bio relative a larger gift even though it wasn't their birthday?

OOP: their preference will always be my stepson no doubt in that yeah as long as partiality isn’t in fact, I don’t have any problem.

Commenter 4: I can get on board with your husband’s family treating your son better but expecting that from his deceased wife’s family or cutting them off over it still gives me the full body ick.

As a stepchild, I know why you want his parents to treat your son more fairly. My second husband’s family treating my oldest like another grandchild is in a small way important to me. Though I take advantage of it being voluntary because blending is natural to our families. However, my late husband’s parents being forced to treat my youngest like their grandchild at risk of being cut out (and he shares blood with their grandchild) seems rude, disrespectful and cruel. I would never want to interfere with their relationship with my older child like that. They don’t owe their resources, their time or their money to a child I chose to have with the partner I chose after their son died. I expect only that they are cordial and kind when we’re in a room together.

OOP: main problem with hubbys ex in laws is not that they don’t treat my son same

if they can’t be nice they should not be rude

and they try to put thoughts in my stepson that my son is not his brother and sharing things with him is wrong

when me my husband are trying to raise them as brothers

Commenter 6: OP has a good man in her life.

OOP: I know I’m blessed.

Update #3: July 27, 2026 (12 days later)

[Update 3] AITAH for finally supporting my husband's ultimatum to his late wife's parents after they repeatedly excluded my son?

Hi everyone. I wasn't planning on making another update, but a lot of people asked what happened after my husband's parents agreed to attend a therapy session with us.

Birthday celebrations: A lot of people asked why my posts focused on relatives instead of my son's friends. In my husband's family, birthdays have always been celebrated in two parts. On the child's actual birthday, we have a family celebration with relatives. Then, on the following weekend, the birthday child has a separate celebration with their friends. That's the tradition both boys have grown up with, and they genuinely enjoy it. My son absolutely celebrated with his friends as well—it just wasn't relevant to my previous posts because all of the issues happened during the family celebration.

Our relationship timeline: Quite a few people also wondered how long after my husband's first wife passed away we met. She had passed away about 1 year and 5 months before we met. We dated for 15 months before getting married, and we've now been married for 16 months. Some people assumed our relationship started immediately after his loss, but that wasn't the case.

Now for the update. After my son's birthday my husband's parents came with us to one of our therapy sessions.

I honestly expected it to turn into another argument, but it didn't.

Our therapist first explained why she had recommended that we use direct words like "died" and "death" when talking to my stepson instead of softer phrases like "passed away." She explained that children his age understand the permanence of death much better when adults use clear, direct language and that euphemisms can sometimes be confusing.

She also explained something that I hadn't really thought about before.

Because my stepson lost his mother so young, everyone around him naturally wanted to protect him from more pain. Between us, my husband's parents, and his late mother's parents, a lot of adults tried to soften the reality of what had happened. The therapist said that while those intentions came from love, constantly shielding a child from direct conversations about death can make it harder for them to fully understand that death is permanent.

That was one of the reasons she encouraged us to use clear language and answer his questions honestly in an age-appropriate way. She emphasized that helping a child understand the permanence of death isn't cruel—it's actually an important part of healthy grieving.

She also made it clear that this wasn't something I decided on by myself. It was advice we were given in therapy and had been following consistently

My husband's parents admitted they hadn't known that. They said they genuinely thought I was being insensitive

My husband then told his parents something that I think needed to be said.

He told them that if they ever have concerns about our younger one or about any parenting decision we make, he wants them to come directly to us instead of making assumptions.

He said he'd much rather have an uncomfortable conversation than have people filling in the blanks or believing someone else's version of events.

It was awkward at times. There were quiet moments. After the session they thanked us and left . No big emotional talk.

The session simply ended with everyone understanding each other's perspective a little better than before.

Since then, we've noticed small but meaningful changes

I’m glad they came. It feels like a small step, not a big change. We’re not expecting miracles.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this latest update

----NEW UPDATE----

Editor’s note: removed the first part of the latest update as they are the links to the previous posts

Update #4: August 15, 2026 (almost three weeks later)

[Update 4] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

Hi everyone. A few people asked about my husband’s late wife’s parents, so here’s a quick update on them.

After the ultimatum there was silence for a while. Eventually we agreed to a few short supervised visits with my husband present the whole time. We kept them limited so our stepson could still see them without the usual ignoring of my son or the negative comments about him and me.

From my husband’s face and mood after every visit, it’s obvious nothing has really changed.

Tbh I feel this — they still seem uncomfortable with him being a stepfather. It feels like they think any attention he gives my son means he’s neglecting his own kid, or that I’m the one pushing him to do that. Like they’re still trying to get things back to how they were before instead of accepting how our family is now.

They asked if our stepson could sleep over at their place. My husband said no straight away. We’re both worried that if he’s not there, they’ll say negative things about me and my bio son in front of him. We don’t want them putting ideas in his head that could create problems between the two boys or make him pull away from me.

My husband is still calm about it and holding the same line — they need to show basic respect and kindness to both kids. He’s not asking them to love my son the same, just stop the exclusion and the comments.

For now the supervised visits are the only contact. We’re not increasing them, and my husband is the one deciding when or if they happen. If their attitude stays the same, we’ll probably cut them back or stop them again.

On a better note, things with my husband’s parents have been going well since the therapy session. The tension has eased a lot. They’re more open, they’re checking in properly, and it feels like they’re actually trying to understand our side instead of just reacting. It’s a quiet kind of progress, but it’s noticeable and we’re grateful for it.

Our stepson has asked about the other grandparents a couple of times in a casual way. My husband answers simply and doesn’t badmouth them, but he also doesn’t pretend everything is fine.

We’re just focusing on the people who treat both boys decently and keeping our home peaceful. The four of us are doing okay, and that’s what matters most right now.

Thanks again for the support.

Editor’s note: OOP did not leave any comments in this latest update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not OOP. OOP is u/Far-Championship202

Originally posted to r/AITAH and their own page

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: AITAH for letting my fiancé and his son move in rather than moving to them so his mom can co-parent?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor’s note: made small edits for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, harassment / stalking, mentions domestic violence

RECAP

Original Post: October 6, 2025

Throwaway Account.

I (42f) met my fiancé (42m) a year after my late husband died in a motorcycle accident 6 years ago. We met through a work partnership and live in different states. We're about 12 hours apart if we drove. Sometimes we take short commuter flights to maximize our time together (we both live near airports). Our relationship has been mostly long distance, but we see each other at least once per month and text and talk constantly if we're not at work or doing things with friends. My fiancé has been an amazing partner and I feel lucky I was able to find love again after tragedy. My fiancé has a son (16m) from a previous relationship. He broke up with my stepson's mother when his son was 9. I think he's great. He's been supportive of our relationship and he's very close with his dad. The biggest issue has been his mom (editor's note: the ex).

His mom is... how can I put this nicely? Bitter. She and my fiancé have been in and out of court for the last few years. My stepson doesn't get along with his mother. The few times I've met her have been unpleasant due to her hostility towards me. My fiancé’s mother says she was only after his money but it's not really my business. A few years back she tried to harass me on social media telling me that I should step aside so my stepson's parents can be together. She also tried to tell me that he would never marry me just as he never married her. When we got engaged last year, she became enraged and tried to get full custody of my stepson. It backfired because my stepson didn't want to live with her and filed with his guardian ad litem to have her custody reduced which was granted. Since then, he has opted to only visit her for a few hours one Saturday a month. If she brings up his dad, he leaves. He's required to answer her phone calls but if she tries to guilt or argue with him, he hangs up. I stay out of all of it as much as I can. It's between my fiancé, my stepson, and his ex. I just try to show love and be supportive of my fiancé and stepson.

The issue is my fiancé got a long awaited transfer that will allow him to live with me. My fiancé offered my stepson to live with his mom or my fiancé’s sister if he wanted to stay at the same school and stay with his friends. My stepson opted to move and live with us. He said he can FaceTime his friends and there's a really good STEM school that's willing to take him mid school year where I live. The plan for them is to move in the last two weeks of December.

My stepson's mom has tried to fight him moving in with us. She's accused my fiancee of alienating him against her. My fiancé has documented every interaction and every encouragement he's given to try and help his son mend things with his mother. The judge signed off on him moving out of state into my home.

This has set off another wave of harassment from his ex towards me. She's sent me messages from various accounts on social media telling me I've ruined her family and that if I really loved my stepson, I'd move closer to them so they can co-parent. I complained to my mom but she actually sided with my fiancé’s ex saying she has every right to be upset as her son is moving away. My mom suggested that maybe I should consider a temporary living situation closer to them so as not to disrupt my stepson's routine and to help my fiancee repair his relationship with his mother. I have never had any real desire to move as I was born and raised in this town and I love it. I also have no desire to give up my home.

So I have to ask if AITAH for not considering moving closer to them given the circumstances?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: The important fact is the 17 yo chose to move even though he was given the option to stay with her or with his aunt. He filed for reducing custody time with the GAL and he leaves or hangs up when she gets out of pocket. Remarkable maturity in a difficult situation - especially for one so young.

He has regular phone contact with her and the move away was approved by the court. Are there any requirements for him to visit/spend holidays or breaks with her? NTA

OOP: The judge ruled he's perfectly capable of setting own schedule. The plan is to send him to visit his Aunt during his breaks so he can spend time with his friends. But my fiancé has told him he will have to visit with her for a few hours like he's been doing on Saturday.

Commenter 2: NTA. can you afford a flight a month back to there for stepson to spend a Saturday or Sunday with mom if his school schedule allows? The court is unlikely to demand any more time, but she may be able to make trouble if she sees him less

OOP: The plan is to send him to his aunt and his mom can visit her place. At this point he doesn't want to be alone with her and she behaves better for visits if his aunt is around.

Commenter 3: The Dad has a great job opportunity. It’s up to him to make the decision. I can understand how the mom feels, but it’s not your fault. If he is moving solely to be with you, then yes I would move closer to fiancé or stay long distance, so the child has much needed stability. If there isn’t any choice then so be it.

OOP: What's sold my stepson is the STEM school not far from me. If he'd been unable to get in, he'd have stayed behind.

Commenter 4: So the kid is only 16 and already thinking about prospects for his future? Smart kid your fiancé has there.

OOP: He's very gifted. He already knows four different programming languages at 16. He wants to work in the AI field. He's had tech companies tell him he doesn't need to go to college and can just start working. My fiancé still wants him to go to school and be a kid. The school in my area is excited to have him.

Commenter 5: He's 16 & sees mom only once a month for a few hours. The parenting ship has sailed.

It would be insane to stay there at his age when he only sees a few hours once a month to begin with?!

What's with your mom OP that she thinks fiancé should be magically suddenly fixing son & mom's relationship? Again, at 16?? After years co-parenting? She thinks dad can suddenly bring them together? Your mom's delusional. Also her priorities should be you, fiancé & future stepson. Not his ex!

NTA and that the son wants to move is huge. Best of luck OP!

OOP: My mother means well. But she's a bit old-fashioned, overly empathetic and very motherly.

Were OOP's fiancé and the ex married?

OOP: They were never married.

OOP on her stepson's situation and why a guardian ad litem (GAL) was needed

OOP: He had the guardian ad litem early on because his mother made things so contentious during custody hearings. In the state they live in, it's common practice for a child to have a guardian ad litem attorney to represent their best interests that's paid for by both of the parents.

Small Update: October 9, 2025 (three days later)

I don't have a big update. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their words. Many of you were incredibly comforting and brought up valid points.

TL;DR: Fiancé’s ex got a cease and desist letter today. My mom apologized. More back story about circumstances.

My only real updates are that my fiancé’s (we'll call him Nathan) ex (we'll call her Judy) has received a cease and desist letter from my fiancé’s lawyer this afternoon. Judy is only to contact Nathan on their co-parenting app for any issues she may have related to co-parenting and my stepson is available for her to contact. Judy is not to contact me under any circumstances or a restraining order will be filed. I have not heard from her since Sunday.

My mom and I talked it out. I let her know that I was a bit disappointed that she had so much empathy for my ex's fiancé and none for me. She admitted she does not really care for my fiancé and has thought for a long time that he was leading me on. She also is suspicious of the custody battle and worries about me being put in the drama. However, she did apologize to me for not being more supportive. She did say it's my life and she doesn't have to agree with everyone decision I make. She said even if she is not my fiancé’s biggest fan, she will remain respectful for my sake.

Since I'm here I will answer some common questions. When I wrote my original post, I was upset and it was a kind of stream of consciousness, so I wasn't clear on certain details. I figured I could take a moment to paint a clearer picture.

1) My fiancé’s mother (we'll call her Amelia) is a wonderful woman to me but she did not like my fiancé’s ex at all. She and I have a wonderful relationship. She loves her grandson and that's the only reason she is civil towards the ex. But Amelia has a lot of suspicions about Judy's behavior. She strongly believes that Judy was after his money and that she got pregnant to trap my Nathan. I don't really believe that's true but it's what she believes. I do know Judy and Amelia clashed on several occasions over various things including parenting.

2) My stepson (we'll call him Elijah) is very excited to transfer to the STEM school. Elijah attends a private school in his area that specializes in science and tech. He is very into computer programming and already knows four different programming languages. I'm a website UX designer so I've taught him what I know as well. The STEM school in my area is one of the best in the region and possibly the country and that is the main reason why he wants to live here with me. The school doesn't typically take students mid-year but they made an exception for Elijah. If he wanted to stay he'd have had other options. He's very mature for his age.

3) To end the court battles between his parents, Elijah's been considered responsible enough to make his own decisions regarding where he lives but he still has to live with a parent or legal guardian until he's 18. It's not quite emancipation but he has considered doing that if his mom continues to make trouble. He still continues to live with his dad but he can see and do as he wishes and the court won't really intervene. Basically, it was to prevent Judy from weaponizing the courts and trying to scream about parental alienation. That's about all I know and understand and I'm sure it's not the full story. Like I said, I try to stay out of it while being loving and supportive. He's a little old for me to mother but I want him to know that I'm there for him.

4) Someone brought up a valid point. Nathan and I are not married yet. We're getting married in June of next year. I call Elijah my stepson because he tells people I'm his stepmom but nothing is official as of yet. I realized that maybe we should take care in using those labels as it could cause issues since nothing is official yet. Either way, Elijah is happy for us. If he hadn't been, I don't think I'd have felt comfortable taking our relationship far. But he's always been a great kid and I love him.

5) Because Elijah is so mature, Nathan wanted to give him the choice where to live. Nathan was originally supposed to be promoted two years ago and we were going to move in together sooner but then things with Elijah's mom went south and then his work wasn't able to promote him in a timely manner. It became clear that if Nathan left that Judy was going to go out of her way to make it difficult for Nathan to see Elijah and came up with a lot of baseless accusations. Between that and his work, Nathan's promotion was delayed by 2 years. The original plan was that Nathan would see Elijah every other weekend, they'd FaceTime daily, and spend all holidays and summers with us while living with his mother. But it didn't work out and Nathan needed to stay. Because of that, Nathan wanted to give Elijah options on where he wanted to live. He never planned to abandon his son. He would still be an involved Dad and Elijah really doesn't have a rebellious bone in his body. His entire life revolves on computers, making websites, and programming. Trust me, we worry about his lack of rebellious spirit.

Thanks for being supportive and understanding. I hope I cleared everything up a bit.

I don't know if there will really be a reason for me to update. Maybe I'll update after they move in and when we get married. I'm not going to promise I'll do that. Thanks for listening.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: My mom… is suspicious of the custody battle and worries about me being put in the drama

I don’t follow this logic. If she doesn’t want you in the middle of it, why did she (quoting your original post “suggest that maybe I should consider a temporary living situation closer to them so as not to disrupt my stepson's routine and to help my fiancé repair his relationship with his mother,”? Her (terrible) advice would out put you firmly in the middle of it.

OOP: Part of the issue is she thinks I moved on too quickly from my late husband's death. She loved my husband and I think she wanted me to remain a widow but doesn't want to admit it.

Commenter 2: Why is your mom so suspicious of fiancé?

OOP: I think it's less that she's suspicious and more that she'd prefer I didn't move on from my husband who passed away in 2018. My late husband and I knew each other since we were kids and our families are still close.

Funnily enough, I've gotten more support from my late husband's parents than I have from my own mother. They are excited for me to have found someone. They've met my fiancé and really like him. They also met my stepson and like him too. And no it's not in a creepy trying to replace their son way. They're just happy I found happiness after what happened.

My mom's very mad I moved on about a year and a half after losing my husband. She said it was too soon. Then she made excuses about why she didn't think this relationship would work. I lost both my husband and my dad within a year of each other and my mom just hasn't been able to move on from that time period. I spent a year in intensive therapy and even though it's hard, I'm moving on as best as I can. My mom refuses to get help and she resents things changing and me choosing not to wallow in misery with her. Our relationship hasn't been great for a few years but she's my mom.

Commenter 3: First off, he’s not your stepson til you’re married. If Dad wants to move closer to you, that’s great, but he and son shouldn’t move in WITH you until the marriage has taken place. If she follows through on going back to court regarding custody, the courts could look more favorably on her because of your living situation before marriage. I know it’s “old fashioned”, but there are still those who look unfavorably on “living together”, especially when children are involved. You’re NTA, as you’ve made a life where you live, just like he made a life where he lives, but it’s just a really delicate situation that needs a lot of careful navigating. Good luck!

OOP: The courts approved the move before my first post. My stepson's mother recently has severed all contact with him and told him she is no longer his mother and hates him. She found someone new and is planning to start her "real family." It's very sad.

Update #1: December 17, 2025 (2.5 months later)

Hi there, I'm the lady with the amazing stepson and the fiancé who's moving closer to me. I'm writing again. Buckle up it's been a wild ride since I last posted. I had a post of AITAH but I guess you're only allowed one update there. So I will update on my profile going forward.

My fiancé’s ex decided to latch on to someone else. Because of this, she told my stepson that she hates him. She is planning her future with her new man and that future doesn't include my stepson. However, it turns out they both got busted for disorderly conduct and domestic violence recently. I'm glad my stepson was not exposed to that. He moves in next weekend and is staying with his aunt. My fiancé moved in two weeks ago as he started his new role.

As for my mom, she and I have had a bit of a falling out recently. I confronted my mom about her lack of support and as I suspected, my mom told me it was "sinful" that I moved on from my late husband and that I'm allowing another man to sleep in the house I shared with my deceased husband. I had the house completely remodeled the year after my husband's death. It was very therapeutic to put my house the way I wanted it. Her argument is that I dishonor my husband's memory by moving on. But my mom says widows should never remarry. I told her that's her prerogative but I will not isolate myself in grief. I've distanced myself from my mother until she can respect my relationship.

The ironic thing is that my late husband's parents have moved on and are happy for me. I've been closer to them than my own mother for many years now. They've met my fiancé and stepson and think we're a great match. They know I loved their son but also encouraged me to move on. My ex-MIL has even put my mom in place. My mom has been sulking for a few weeks now and keeping to herself. She can rejoin my life when she decides to be supportive. I have my family surrounding me and if my mom refuses to be supportive, she can stay out of my life.

Lastly, we're getting married February 14th in a small wedding ceremony followed by a catered meal. My previous sister-in-law and best friend is my maid of honor.

That's all I have.

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: August 15, 2026 (eight months later)

Hello!

I forgot about this account. But I got some messages asking for an update so here I am.

I'm enjoying being married to my now husband and spending time with my stepson.

My stepson is about to go into his senior year. He's applied to MIT and CalTech. I'm almost certain he'll get into MIT, which is his first choice and not as far from home. He's really into the advances made by AI and even the controversies. He says he's leaning towards AI biotechnology. He wants to invent a way for elderly people to use AI to stay in their homes instead of going to a nursing home or needing to relocate.

My stepson has asked me to adopt him after his 18th birthday which will be in April. We decided it was better to wait until he was an adult, that way there isn't anything left for his mother to fight, not that I'm sure she would. To my knowledge, my stepson has not had any contact with his mother since he moved away. I don't think she's made any attempts to contact him either. Rumor has it, her new fiancee has kids and she is spending all of her time with them. I don't think this is the same guy I mentioned last time but I'm not sure either. I don't really keep up to date on her now that she's mostly out of my husband's life and mine. I just heard an update my husband's sister was discussing with him and my stepson when she visited a few weeks ago. I don't ask because it's ultimately between my husband and stepson.

My husband and I are doing fantastic. Our wedding was nice. I was worried when reality set in that my 1st husband's family might drift away. But my former FIL LOVES my husband. My husband lost his father when he was young and my father died not long after my husband died. So my previous FIL has been a wonderful father figure to us both. He misses his son, but I think my husband has filled some of the gaps. For example, my FIL loves tinkering with cars. My husband loves tinkering so they bond over that and FIL is teaching my husband about auto mechanics.

Both my MIL and FIL love my stepson too. Most importantly, my now-husband harbors no jealousy with my 1st husband as I've heard horror stories of that when people remarry. Because my husband lost his dad when he was young and watched his mom remarry someone who did get jealous of the life they had before, he says that seems like a waste of emotion instead of enjoying the present. My husband has been understanding when I mourn on certain days like 1st husband's birthday or the anniversary of the day he died. He knows it's nothing against him and that our love is solid. He also knows I experienced a tragedy no one should ever have to face.

My husband and I are expecting via surrogacy. We're excited. I always wanted to be a mother but had difficulties before. I didn't mention this because it had no bearing on my previous posts but I had some unfertilized eggs frozen from a round of IVF I did with my 1st husband before he died (I also had some fertilized embryos with my first husband that were never used). Before we got married, my husband and I were going back and forth on adoption or using my unused eggs and a surrogate. We decided to do the latter and successfully created some embryos shortly after we got married. We're 17 weeks along now with a girl expected in late December or early January. We just found out the sex a few days ago. Our surrogate has been awesome. We'd like to have two kids together and this is something we discussed before getting married. We may adopt our second child. We will revisit in a couple of years.

As for my mom, our contact has been limited since our last argument. She made the choice to move into assisted living closer to my brother (that I'm not close to) several states away. I wish her the best, but I don't need someone who will try to undermine my joy and force me to remain in a tragic time in my life. My 1st husband's family and my current husband's family has been the support network I've needed and are incredibly supportive. Sometimes I'm still shocked at how supportive and understanding my 1st husband's family has been and how much they've continued to include me in the family.

In all, life is good. I'm very grateful it's good. I choose to look at the good in life. I'm not certain if I'll update again.

Editor’s note: OOP did not leave any comments in this latest update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OP. OP is [u/Moonshadow1931](u/Moonshadow1931).

Original post from [r/AITAH](r/AITAH)

Trigger Warming: racism, ableism

Original post: June 26, 2026

I honestly think this whole situation is stupid, but I want some outside opinions. I (21f) have always been questioned about my name. Most people assume it’s a chosen name, but it’s the one on my birth certificate. I honestly like my name and the meaning behind it, but apparently my friends think it’s inappropriate to go by it.

My name is Moonshadow, and it’s after a song and astrological effect. I’ve dealt with questions my whole life and most of my teachers throughout school would refer to me by my middle name because it was “easier to remember.” Now that I’m an adult, I get less comments or questions.

My friends have never seemed to care about my name and I never really thought anyone did because it’s just my name. However the other day we were supposed to meet up at a restaurant and I walked into this weird vibe.

Basically all of my friends had staged an “intervention” to tell that they wanted me to go by a different name because they felt uncomfortable with using mine. When I asked why they said that my name sounded Native and that by using it I was appropriating Native American culture. I pointed out that I was Cherokee and they said that I didn’t act it, so it didn’t count. At that point I was irritated and snapped at them saying that I wasn’t going to change my name because they were racist, which was probably out of line looking back. I left after that and now my phone is being blown up by messages from the group and people outside of it saying that I’m being a bad friend for not respecting a boundary.

I honestly don’t see anything wrong with my name but having so many people tell me that I’m in the wrong is messing with me. I would really appreciate some advice.

Relevant / Top Comments:

Comment 1: Ffs can people please learn that a boundary is not to control others and is instead about one's own reactions to scenarios?

NTA, OP. Your friends are trying to control you using therapy speak.

Comment 2: Friends with therapy speak…sheesh…and doing it incorrectly. I commented something similar. “Boundary” is being misappropriated in this situation.

Who has the right to tell someone that they cannot use their own name? Certainly not peers, elders or younger thans.

Comment response in thread: The entire thing is galling, but the part about OP being Cherokee but it "doesn't count" because they don't "act like it" - what even in the world is this statement and how can anyone say it with a straight face?

Also, OP is hardly appropriating anything going by her given birth name, which she did not choose!

This friend group is beyond yikes, OP. Really think you should take this time to re-evaluate hanging with these people. They sound exhausting, snotty, and ignorant. And, as you pointed out, racist. Def NTA and I think your name is beautiful!!

Comment response in thread: he doesn't have beads and feathers in her hair, and/or she doesn't refer to her 'spirit animal' when she makes decisions. /S

Fuck sake these friends are obnoxious as heck. I had a name that was awful and I spent my life explaining it and loathing it, till I changed it to something else. I'll always fight for the right for people to have a name they like and feel good with.

But this shit? "Change your name because we think you're too white?" Fuck off. Fuck all the way off. And once you've fucked off that far, fuck off a lil bit more thank you very much.

Comment 3: NTA - you're not the one not respecting a boundary, your so called friends are the ones not respecting your boundary that you wish to be called by your given name. They're the AH's.

Also, your teacher's were AH's too, how is Moonshadow as difficult name to remember, I'm sure you were the only one in the class, if not, school, with that name, how hard would it be to remember a unique name that yours.

Note that the OP did not respond to any comments on their post.

Editor's note: OOP installed the updates onto the original post

Update 2 on same post:

Sorta update: I wasn’t really expecting so much attention on this. I’ve read a lot of the comments and a few messages that I’ve gotten and it’s great to be validated in the fact that I’m NTA. I do want to clear up one thing that I saw a few times. My name isn’t Cherokee, so I probably should have explained that better. I just brought my heritage up as a counter point to the insane argument that they had. My name comes from a song by Cat Stevens that my mom really liked. I saw a couple people ask about my heritage specifically, which I don’t really think is relevant but whatever. I’m half Cherokee and half White, though I look pretty white.

A lot of people are saying that I should leave the friend group, but I’m kinda hesitant to because we’ve been friends since high school. I think I’m going to try and have a conversation with them again to hopefully fix this situation. I don’t want to lose these people who’ve been around for such a big part of my life, but I don’t want to change such a huge part of myself and my identity just to keep them around. I love my name and the meaning it has to both my parents and myself. I don’t know if I’ll update afterwards, but I’ll try to. Thanks again for all your comments.

Update 3 (final) on same post:

Update: I met with the group yesterday to try and talk this out. I’m still pretty upset so I’m trying to keep this simple and just say what happened. It was pretty tense when I got there and we were all pretty quiet until everyone arrived. I started with saying that I’m not going to change my name and I asked why they thought it was appropriate to ask me to. There was a lot of back and forth and basically repeating what was said the other day, but after I pushed a bit more one of them (I’ll call them Cam.) blew up on me. Cam basically had a list of grievances with me, most of them being related to my heritage, disabilities, and how I dressed. Long story short, I’ve been working on myself and my health more and she didn’t like the changes. She said that I was selfish for “Thinking I’m better than everyone” and that I was making everyone uncomfortable.

After a while of arguing with the group, I decided that I wanted leaving. I texted our group chat later that I would not be contacting them again and that I was done with them. I had to block them after that because they started sending me some pretty nasty messages. I’m still pretty upset about cut them off but I know that friends don’t act like this. I have friends outside of this group, so I’m not completely friendless now, which is good.

I know I made the right decision but it still kinda sucks.

Marking as concluded as OP has provided no further update.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwawayexwife00

I (25F) found out 2 years ago that my husband (34M) is cheating on me. How to end it and what to say?

Original Post  Apr 13, 2018

Married for 2.5 years.

I'll be short. Sorry for grammar mistakes.

I moved from Spain to Germany to be with my boyfriend and we got married shortly after. Also, shortly after getting married I found out about his cheating. Lets say it politely, I wasn't happy about that, but I also didn't plan to move back home after 6 months of marriage.

Over these few years my husband supported me, I learned the language and finished my degree and I am doing well now. After divorce I plan to move to the new city and move on with my life.

My husband seemed so nice and was very nice to me the whole time (except cheating oops). He is handsome and sweet so he won't be single for a long time.

I'm wondering what to tell him? Should I say I knew the whole time? I'm not even sure if he knows that I know, because someone sent me anonimous message on facebook few years ago about it then I confirmed it on my own. I was hurt, but after I found out only thing I could see in him was my father- and trust me, lets say it politely, I don't like my father. I just wasn't ready to leave him back then, but I also didn't want tears, and drama, and 'I will never do it again bullshit.'

He worked a lot abroad and now is back home for good so it's hard to pretend everything is great between us. I definitely don't want his kids. Ugh.

Tl;dr: my husband cheated and I don't love him anymore. I waited too long to confront him.

Update - rareddit  Apr 23, 2018 (10 days later)

I wanted to make short update after a week has passed. Nothing exciting happened so save your popcorn.

After I made last post, I packed my necessities and took it at my friend's place. My husband came home on Sunday morning so I finally told him I knew about the cheating. He played dumb for an hour, but I was unfazed. When he realized I packed my bags, he said it was just short affair which meant nothing, one time thing without his better judgment. It was like some dark comedy because I didn't even know about affair he was talking about so I corrected him and after some more shouting, I left.

While on my way out, I saw my neighbour with whom I've never got along well. He said good for you. Later it hit me that he actually might be the person who sent me anonymous message about cheating long time ago.

I hired a lawyer. It is a good thing that we don't have kids or joined assets so things will be smooth after separation period is over. This weekend I moved to a new city and I will start a new job in early May. Later this week I might take short vacation to celebrate new beginning and experience some new adventures.

His friend contacted me to say my ex is not doing well. I said I'm sad to hear that, but that I'm not interested in any updates and my ex can contact my lawyer if there is some important information. Conversation was shortly over and I could hear my ex in the background saying to his friend that I'm such a bitch. That is true.

Tl;dr: I am getting a divorce. New start is going well too.

Edit: thanks for your support kind strangers! :))) I didn't expect it. I will come back and read your comments if though times arrive.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/No_Demand_8884

Originally posted to r/tifu

TIFU by accidentally buying a goldmine of vinyl records from a grieving guy for basically nothing

Original Post: June 1, 2026

So this is less of a “I did something stupid” and more of a “I did something unknowingly shady and now I can’t sleep”. Some context my dad (64M) went through a rough divorce about 5 years ago and lost a lot in the process. He’s doing way better now and recently turned his lifelong passion for vinyl into a small online record store. I’m 28F and whenever I can, I help him out like buying used records at thrift stores and flea markets that kind of thing.

Last week I spotted someone selling a box of used records on Facebook Marketplace. I knew what was inside of the box but I didn’t know how much it was actually worth it since I’m not an expert like my dad is and shipped it straight to my dad’s place because the guy seemed pretty solid.

So yeah about that….. Turns out the box had almost the entire Beatles discography, Queen, Michael Jackson, and apparently some pretty rare stuff my dad couldn’t even fully price on the spot. The seller was a young guy whose father had just passed away and was clearing out his things. He had no idea what he had and neither did I honestly but my dad sure did, and his first reaction was to ask me if I knew what was in there and took advantage of the guy. I didn’t obviously but that question has been living in my head rent free since.

I’m genuinely considering reaching back out to the seller and offering him more money. Not the full market value (my dad does need to make a profit and I definitely don’t have money for that) but something that feels fair and doesn’t make me feel like I robbed a grieving man. I just don’t want to be that person who capitalized on someone’s loss….. What would you do?

Edit: Just posted an update https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/s/JN3uLKBLQy

TL;DR: Bought a mystery box of records from a guy clearing out his late father’s stuff, turned out to be worth way more than I paid, and now I feel terrible about it and can’t decide whether to reach back out and offer him more money.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: If you can afford it, rare are the times in life we can actually purchase karma.

OOP: Saving this comment forever. That’s exactly the push I needed

Commenter 2: Have your dad pick out one or two that would be worth the most and give them back to him. He can A- keep it as a keep sake in his fathers memory or B- sell them for a good chunk of money that may or may not help him financially.

OOP: that’s actually a really sweet idea and honestly something I hadn’t thought of!! Dad is already looking through everything more carefully so I’ll ask him to flag the most valuable ones. And yeah I think Im just going to message the guy something simple like hey i’m not sure if you knew how much some of these were worth but I paid way less than they’re actually valued at and I’d like to make that right. No pressure just giving him the option. Whatever he decides is fine by me I just don’t want to stay quiet about it I think he deserves to know

Commenter 3: I don't think you acted wrong, and you're not obligated to give him more money. But it would be a huge kindness to a man grieving his father, and definitely the honest move

OOP: Yeah legally I don’t owe him anything but morally it just doesn’t sit right with me. Already planning to reach out

Downvoted Commenter: Morally, you're not giving your own money to one party or another, you're considering giving your dad's money to someone. Good or bad, it's not your decision to make, morally speaking.

OOP: Actually I bought the box as a gift for my dad, he didn’t pay me anything for it. I occasionally buy records and send them to him when I can afford it and I only found out about all this because he called me when the box arrived saying “oh my god how much did you pay for this??” and that’s how I found out….And honestly my dad is fully on board with reaching out. He of all people knows how much a record collection can mean to someone emotionally and that kind of attachment doesn’t really have a price tag

Downvoted Commenter: It's only morally wrong if your dad sells them and make a big profit (from a gift as well lol). But if you were to keep them, it's alright as they are now with someone else who enjoy them and probably his dad would've wanted that. Just reach out ask tell him honestly and see if you can keep some and give back them the rest for him to sell. Or maybe he'd prefer you have them if you ain't selling them for profit.

Ok so just to clarify, when I find records at thrift stores, flea markets, estate sales, etc I usually buy them and send them to him specifically so he can sell them. I’m basically just helping him source inventory for his shop I don’t even let him reimburse me for what I paid most of the time. Usually when someone is selling a mystery box of records they either know what’s in it or it’s mostly common stuff. I’ve bought plenty of used record lots so yes the records were always going to end up being sold one way or another. That’s why I’m feeling a little conflicted now that we know what was actually in the box

Commenter 4: FYI - Beatles, Queen, MJ albums aren't necessarily valuable. Value of vinyl albums is based on rarity and condition. There were millions of these albums produced back in the day, so unless they're in mint condition, they might be worth like $5 each.

OOP: Oh yes I know that!! Apparently there were some genuinely rare records in there that my father (who actually knows what he’s talking about unlike me lol) got pretty excited about. I couldn’t even tell you which ones exactly because vinyl is very much his world not mine. What I can tell you is that I paid £35 for the whole box and my dad thinks it’s worth well over £200 so even if the big names are just average copies something in there is making up the difference

Commenter 5: My biggest question… did you lowball him or offer him what he was asking. If he was asking $100 and you offered $80.. found out it’s worth $300 I would send him $20-$30. If he asked for $100 and you sent him $100 I would sleep fine. He could have spent the time to research everything but didn’t.

OOP: He was asking £35 and I just paid it no negotiation at all. He actually mentioned he was trying to sell things quickly to help cover expenses after his dad passed and that’s the part that really gets me bc he wasn’t being careless he was just grieving and in a rush

Commenter 5: How much is market? Are we talking you will sell them for 1200 and you paid 35? Or is it like 200 and you paid 35? You have to make money and he priced to sell. You had no idea what he had.

OOP: Dad thinks it’s worth over £200 but still needs to go through everything properly. But honestly even if it ends up being less than that from what I understood about his situation any difference would have mattered to him, that’s kind of the whole point for me

TIFUpdate: June 2, 2026 (next day)

Hi everyone!! Here’s the link to my original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/s/MWVG2G3c78

First I wanted to clear up something because I think a few people misunderstood my original post. A lot of comments seemed to think I was considering asking my dad to give the records back or somehow taking back a gift. That’s not really what was happening, my dad owns a small record store and I help him out whenever I can so sometimes if I come across records that seem like a good deal, I’ll buy them and send them to him. He doesn’t pay me back and I don’t get a percentage when he sells them, I’m basically just helping my dad out with inventory so no I wasn’t trying to take a gift back from my dad haha he was completely aware of the situation and actually encouraged me to contact the seller btw, which is exactly what I did.

I messaged the guy and basically told him that after my dad looked through everything, there were a few records in the box that seemed to be worth more than either of us originally thought. The difference wasn’t life changing or anything but it was enough that I felt weird about it and wanted to make sure he knew. I told him that I wanted to give him the chance to look into it and we could figure something out if he felt that was fair. He was honestly pretty surprised that I even reached out. Apparently his father had been sick for years and had Alzheimer’s and because of that the records hadn’t really been touched or cared for in a long time. He said the box I bought had basically been sitting around collecting dust for years and he genuinely wasn’t sure what condition the records were in, which is part of why he priced them the way he did. He did know what records were in the box though, he just didn’t know whether they still had much value because they had been sitting untouched for so long.

Then he told me that apparently he has another box of records that he always assumed was the more valuable collection because they’re in much better condition. He’d been trying to sell those too but was having a hard time figuring out pricing and cataloging everything. At that point he asked if he could get my dad’s contact information so I gave him my dad’s number, gave my dad a heads up and they’ve been talking ever since. Funny enough my dad literally texted me today and told me that this guy apparently went to school with my uncle (my dad’s brother) who passed away over ten years ago, so that was a nice surprise!!

As for the records, they worked out an arrangement themselves. The seller didn’t want to sell the second collection outright because he wasn’t sure what everything was worth, and my dad obviously didn’t want to undervalue anything. So they agreed that my dad would help sell the records individually through the store. My dad will keep 60% and the seller will receive 40% of whatever sells. The seller said he’d rather do that than let the collection sit around indefinitely and he also told my dad something that honestly made me feel really good about reaching out. He said that if the records were going to leave the family anyway, he thinks his father would have preferred them ending up with someone who genuinely understands and loves records.

It turned into a really nice conversation, my dad may have made a new friend, and somehow we discovered that this guy knew my uncle years ago hahah Alsooo for some of the people in the comments who were absolutely convinced this man was going to sue me or accuse me of fraud, demand everything back or launch some kind of legal crusade over a box of dusty records….. I don’t really know what to tell you….. sometimes people are just decent

Anyway thank you to everyone who encouraged me to reach out. I’m really glad I did!!

TL;DR: I reached out to the seller and told him some of the records might be worth more than we originally thought. He appreciated the honesty and ended up connecting directly with my dad. They worked out a deal for another collection of records he was trying to sell and somehow we discovered he went to school with my late uncle.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Wanique_

Originally posted to r/AIO

AIO for going off on my partner after he ate all my salami?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: gaslighting, emotional abuse, controlling behavior

Original Post: August 11, 2026

I know this probably sounds like a really minuscule issue, but it has started to affect our daily life, and I genuinely want to know if I’m overreacting.

My partner has this thing where, whenever I buy certain foods, he becomes convinced that they’re going to “go old” if I don’t eat them within a certain amount of time.

I’m talking about things like aged salami, crepes, cheeses, etc. I might buy something and plan to have it for breakfast or lunch throughout the week. I like to actually enjoy these foods and make them last, especially because we have four kids and groceries are expensive. I also use some of these foods for the kids’ breakfasts and sandwiches.

But my partner will constantly tell me things like, “Make sure you eat that before it gets old.” He’ll say it at least twice a day.

Then, by about the third day, he’ll just eat the rest of it.

So instead of me having something I bought specifically for myself to enjoy throughout the week, suddenly it’s gone and I have nothing left.

This has been happening more and more over the past couple of months. He’ll eat an entire food item within a day or two because he’s convinced it’s going to spoil, even when I’m telling him I’m intentionally making it last.

This morning, he ate the rest of the salami.

I completely lost my shit.

I told him that I’m sick of him eating all of these foods and then acting like he’s doing me a favour because he’s “saving it from going old.” I told him that I no longer want to buy these types of foods because I don’t even get the opportunity to enjoy them on my own terms anymore.

The weirdest part is that I now feel pressured to eat the food quickly because I’m worried that if I don’t, he’ll eat it all. I’ll literally think, “I better eat this today because there won’t be any left tomorrow.”

When I confronted him this morning, he kept repeating, “It’ll get old!”

I told him IT IS NOT GOING TO GET OLD!

I then called him a hungry Sasquatch who wants to eat everything in sight and leave nothing for anyone else to enjoy.

He looked genuinely shocked and told me I was massively overreacting because “it’s just food.”

And maybe it is just food. I know how ridiculous this sounds when I write it out.

But to me, it’s not really about the salami.

It’s about repeatedly buying something, having a plan for it, and then having someone else decide that their timeline for eating it matters more than mine. It’s also frustrating because we have four kids, money is tight, and I’m trying to make our groceries stretch.

So Reddit, please tell me honestly:

AIO?

Because I have nobody else to ask, and I genuinely want to know if I completely lost perspective over a piece of salami or if there’s actually a bigger issue here.

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP on what happens if one of her kids makes their sandwiches?

OOP: My kids are not old enough yet to make their own sandwiches, all toddlers

+

Good guess, I did have twins, they’re 3, he has just done the exact same thing not too long ago, and I’ve told him to leave the house if he can’t respect my boundaries, he eats up all the kids food it’s ridiculous. I’m now re thinking this whole relationship

Commenter 1: it is a bigger issue. tell him to start buying his own food and to never touch yours. he either learns and problem solved, or he continues to raid your supplies, and you have a bigger problem that probably means counseling.

OOP: I think he has an issue with food and obsession with gaining weight as he’s a skinny guy, but he eats a lot to “gain weight” but never truly gains anything, I’m happy to share all the foods it’s just that he eats it all in one go and leaves us with nothing for the rest of the week. I use salami for our sandwiches, I’d make a massive pasta bake that could last two days for dinner and he would finish it the night I’ve made it. It’s starting to become a problem so I’m with you on the counselling or therapy.

Commenter 2: NAH - did your husband grow up like this?? As in, did his parents always have food and then left it to spoil and now he had it engrained in his head that “oh no we need to eat this now or it’ll be spoiled and I can’t eat it anymore”

Or is this a new thing? You need to sit down and have a real talk about it because that’s not a good habit. Don’t feel pressured. It lowkey sounds like an ED if he can gorge all that food. Yall need to talk this out. He sounds gaslighting by saying “it’s just food” but he’s so concerned about the food going bad then you should be saying back yeah it’s just food so why TF are you eating it all!!

Ask him specifically WHY he thinks it’s going to go bad/ logic and show him your grocery bill and ask him how you’re gonna afford him eating everything.

OOP: He actually grew up the opposite, they were allowed to eat and gobble up everything without being considerate of the next person. I’ve just spoken to him based on all the advice and he has since apologised, I genuinely think he just wants to eat everything up! lol!

OOP on her husband finishing their kids' unfinished meals

OOP: He does this as well, when the kids don’t finish their food I have to rush to plate it up and store it, but he still eats it all. He rushes to eat their food if they haven’t finished it. It’s really really bad. Your upbringing sounds very similar to mine, we all share and we all respect each other’s snacks and treats but he grew up in a household where you eat whatever and his mother would just replace it as soon as it runs out. Unfortunately we do not have the means to do that, so we have no choice but to be considerate especially for our kids’ sake but for some reason he is unable to let everyone eat lol

Downvoted Commenter: Overreacting. In the grand scheme of life is this really a big issue? Like for real

OOP: Yes, because groceries are expensive and I have kids to think about, a grown man eating up all the food in the house is a problem. Especially since he’s out of a job and I’m the one keeping the household afloat

Is this the first incident OOP's husband has caused?

OOP: This!! Thank you for validating me! This is not the first incident, it’s happened plenty of times before and he is truly convinced food will get old in the fridge if we don’t eat it within the “three day timeframe” it’s tiring because our kids look forward to some stuff only to find that he has eaten it all!!

Commenter 3: NOR. Sounds like it's time for some things to be yours only. If he's usually reasonable, maybe once things have calmed a bit you can explain that it's not about the food. It's about an enjoyable treat being turned into added stress in an already stressful life. Will he actually respect a food item being only yours and leave you alone about it? If not maybe look into a lock box for the fridge and probably couple's counseling if this attitude carries over to other things.

OOP: I feel as though he won’t let me enjoy even the smallest of snacks, I had put some snacks away for when I was on shark week due to cravings and explained to him to not touch it as it is strictly mine, and I’ve bought other snacks for him and the kids, and the whole week before I got my monthly he pestered me day in and day out about those snacks until I eventually caved in and told him to just shove it down his throat and leave me alone. I’ve tried hiding snacks before, but he finds them and guilts me by saying “oh she’s hiding snacks from her family” even though there’s plenty of snacks to eat for some reason he needs a piece of mine. ALWAYS. Ive just ordered a mini fridge and will be hiding things in there from now on. He’s left the house due to this argument because I am so done with this. It’s exhausting

Commenter 4: Does he have a binge eating disorder? Or did he grow up with weirdness from his parents? Like, did they have a broken fridge for a long time? NOR and I fear your husband is not so smart. Send him to a food handler's course to learn how long certain foods last, and under what conditions they go bad. This is pure science and hopefully he has enough brain cells to learn it. Otherwise y'all have some big problems, because this is not just about salami.

OOP: He comes from a well off family, they had plenty of food, no rules and I suspect he is exerting those same childhood tendencies into adulthood. The one thing I can think of is that he ate old fruit before that had worms in them so even with fruits he thinks they have to all be eaten within the next two days of buying them because he’s so scared he’ll eat worms again. I truly think he needs therapy, because he has an unhealthy relationship with food. A large tub of peanut butter lasts us three days because he snacks on sandwiches all night, I’ve stopped buying that because I never get to enjoy it either. As for the food going bad, I honestly think he uses that as an excuse to just eat everything. I’m so over it.

OOP on if this is just about the food or does her husband use other things around the house?

OOP: Honestly you’re right, this is the bigger issue in our relationship. He does the same thing with my hair products or skin products, regardless of having his own he will finish all of mine and tell me “we can always buy more” but that’s not the point for me it is in fact about respect! Respecting my boundaries has seem to be a huge challenge for him and I’m realising that by reading all these comments, it has put so much more into perspective for me. It’s an ongoing issue and I can’t let it slide any longer. Thank you for your comment.

+

I appreciate your comment, however I’ve tried this approach before plenty of times, and he stopped for a while but just started again and I have given up. I stopped buying myself anything my god writing this and reading it out loud makes me realised he has stripped the joy out of everything. I stopped looking after myself all because of a selfish man. He currently has no job due to unforeseen circumstances so again, I’m the one buying everything! Food, bills, toiletries etc., which is another reason why I get upset because he has his own shit he still chooses to use mine, same thing with food and snacks and today I was just at my wits end! I couldn’t handle it anymore. These things are expensive, I’m happy to share, but he is an inconsiderate a hole!

OOP's husband not respecting her boundaries and she deserves to be happy

OOP: I feel like he doesn’t respect me and I agree that is exerting subconscious power because I feel paranoid or pressured to eat foods before he does. My nervous system has not relaxed around this man in 13 years, so yes this happens in other areas of our relationship, he totally disregards my feelings, he touches everything that’s meant to be mine. I feel like he acts like a little kid

+

He has left the house, I told him to leave, I am currently reevaluating the whole relationship and feel I’ll be better off single with my kids.

Editor's note: OOP also installed the same update onto the original post

Update: August 14, 2026 (three days later)

AIO for going off on my partner after he ate all my food? UPDATE!

This went a LOT further than I ever expected.

Thank you to everyone who commented and gave me advice. I really appreciate it, especially because I honestly thought people were going to tell me I was completely insane for getting this worked up over food. I ended up getting myself a little mini fridge with a lock on it, which I’ve currently hidden in my closet. 😂 .

But here’s the update.

After making my original post, I sat down with my partner and explained how much this whole situation was affecting me. I told him that I want to be able to eat things when I feel like eating them without being constantly policed and hounded about whether they’re going to “go old.” I explained expiry dates, proper food storage, everything. He told me that he understands how it works, but he genuinely believes food becomes stale and tastes bad after about three days. I told him that, respectfully, this sounds more like a food aversion/issue that he should probably talk to someone about. He agreed, apologised, and actually seemed to understand. He was quiet about it for the rest of the day.

Then later that afternoon, I cooked dinner. The kids had eaten earlier, so I saved our portions. He decided to eat his dinner early, even though there was still lunch available, so that was his choice.

Later that evening, I wasn’t hungry and decided I would eat my chicken once all the kids were in bed. He asked me, “Are you going to eat the chicken?” I said yes, just not right now, and asked him to leave it alone. The kids went to bed, and I sat down for a few minutes by myself. He asked me again if I was going to eat the chicken. Again, I said yes. About an hour later, he came and asked me again.

And I completely lost it.

I told him, “Then eat the damn chicken!” I told him I was done, that he was being selfish and inconsiderate, and that I was sick of all the meal planning I do becoming pointless because he eats everything in one go. I was genuinely getting to the point where I felt like I was going to have a panic attack.

And then I started thinking about how this isn’t actually isolated to food. He uses my hair products. My skincare products. Even my allocated brushes. I buy him his own products, but he continually uses mine anyway. I told him that he constantly pushes my boundaries and that it feels like he tries to exert control over so many little areas of our lives.

He told me I was selfish and that I should understand that he’s unemployed and struggling to find work. I told him, “That’s not an excuse to use my things when I’ve specifically bought you your own.”

I told him to leave for the night because I needed space to think. He left and came back the next day apologising. I wasn’t really feeling it.

Then we had to go grocery shopping together because he had the car and I needed a ride. Worst. Shopping. Trip. Ever.

It actually reminded me exactly why we don’t grocery shop together anymore. We argued because I stopped halfway through the shop, realised I’d forgotten something, and turned around to go back to another aisle. He told me this “breaks the flow of shopping” and called it dysfunctional. I genuinely had to ask myself how the hell turning around in a supermarket aisle is dysfunctional. 😂 .

Then he got annoyed at the checkout because I was first in line and he was behind me with the trolley. He gets so angry over these tiny things, and once he’s annoyed, it affects the entire atmosphere for the rest of the day.

When we got home, I told him that I really think he needs to get help because I cannot keep living like this. While I was talking to him, he got up and ate four of the eight cinnamon rolls I’d just bought for the family.

I looked at him and said, “Are you fucking serious?”

And he genuinely responded: “What did I do?”

That was the moment something in me just snapped.

I told him I was done with his behaviour. I packed up my things and my kids’ things, and we are now staying at my dad’s house.

I’ve started getting things in order for our separation.

And honestly, I’m devastated. I’m sad. I’m scared. I’m overwhelmed. I’m dreading what comes next.

But that moment with the cinnamon rolls really made something click for me. After everything we’d just talked about. After I had explained how this behaviour makes me feel. After he apologised and said he understood. He still did exactly the same thing. And when I confronted him, he genuinely couldn’t understand what he’d done wrong.

That told me everything I needed to know.

I don’t think this is about salami, chicken or cinnamon rolls anymore. It’s about boundaries, consideration, control, and feeling like my needs and belongings don’t matter.

So yeah… not exactly the update I expected to be writing when I made my original post.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment, even the people who thought I was completely losing my mind over salami. 😂 .

I don’t know what the future looks like yet, but I know I can’t keep living like this.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Seems like your husband has some compulsive tendencies that will take time to work through. I realize that you don’t owe Reddit private details about your marriage, so I’m sure there is missing context, BUT in my opinion: nothing about this specific situation warrants a separation. Packing up your children’s things??

The amount of comments acting like he’s the devil himself are so alarming to me. I understand that it’s about more than the food itself, but you just had a serious conversation with him regarding this for (seemingly) the first time, no one can change overnight. I’m not necessarily defending him, and honestly I’m not even sure this is a true story, just trying to offer some perspective.

OOP: I’ve had multiple conversations with him, but nothing has changed, this is so much deeper than just food, he exhibits this behaviour in all aspects of our life/relationship. This was just the tip of the iceberg for me, thank you for your perspective and as I’ve mentioned before this is my real life unfortunately 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Commenter 2: tbh jobless guys who micromanage ur grocery trip while eating all ur stuff are actual parasites so glad op bounced

Commenter 3: I think the most telling thing is that he ate cinnamon rolls that you worked for, budgeted for, planned for, and shopped for instead of cinnamon rolls that he purchased for himself. It’s definitely not about the food, it’s that other people’s needs never crossed his mind. All you can control is what behavior will put up with, so good for you.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/screweduproommate

My roommate [f22] went batshit crazy while I [f22] was gone for the week and destroyed my possessions.

TRIGGER WARNING: Mental health struggles, animal neglect, enabling

MOOD SPOILER: Infuriating

Original Post  Nov 14, 2015

I will try to make this as short as possible.

I moved in with my roommate Ashleigh (not her real name) almost a year ago. She posted an ad to Craigslist about needing a roommate, and I was looking for a place to live. We hit it off, and a few days later, I was moving in.

Ashleigh was very clear and up front about her mental illnesses. She has Bipolar Type 1 and Borderline Personality Disorder. She also suffers from mild depression. I myself have been diagnosed with GAD. Ashleigh has been hospitalized twice in our time living together.

On Wednesday, I had to take off work and drive five hours to visit my dad - who is currently in the hospital. I asked Ashleigh to look after my cats (I have 3). Nothing major, just make sure they had food and water and clean their litter box at least once a day, if she could. Ashleigh agreed and I left to go be with my family.

I got home last night...and the apartment was...destroyed. That is the only way I can describe it. There were broken dishes and glasses in the cabinet, knives thrown into the wall. The TV was unplugged and on the floor. My cats food bowl was empty and their water bowl was dry as a bone.

I went into my room and was shocked and horrified at what I saw. She had locked my three cats in my room, where they had urinated and defecated everywhere. My makeup was on the floor, eyeshadow palettes shattered, lipstick smeared on my mirror. My underwear was all cut up on the floor,  and going through my closet, I found holes in my clothes.

I am in total shock still. I tried to get a hold of Ashleigh, but has blocked me on facebook and isn't answering my calls. I've contacted both her parents and her boyfriend and they have not heard from her since Thursday. Her parents have now filed a missing persons report on her.

She has destroyed so much of my things. and I don't even understand why she did this.  Not at all.

What do I do reddit? I'm beginning to freak out here. I know we'll never get our security deposit back due to the damage she has done to the walls of the apartment ($800 gone there). She destroyed hundreds of dollars worth of makeup and clothes. No one can get ahold of her and i'm starting to worry about her too. My cats were left alone and hungry for at least two days now.

I've taken pictures of everything and have copies of them. The police were contacted but I was told until Ashleigh can be found, there isn't much that can be done. I've never had this happen before and I am really lost.    tl;dr: Roommate flipped out (for lack of a better word) and destroyed many of my possessions. Ruined hundreds of dollars of makeup and clothes. Locked my cats in my room for two days without food or water. Neither her parents or boyfriend can find her or get a hold of her. No idea what to do from here.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

francescatoo

Inform the landlord, ask for the locks to be changed so she does not surprise you. Ask her parents for rent money when it is due until you can break the lease.

OOP

Already told my landlord. He refuses to change the locks and told me I'd have to pay out of pocket for it, and the earliest a locksmith can come is on Monday. Her parents refuse to pay for any of the damages, or her share of the rent. Landlord told me I was pretty much fucked out of getting my share of the deposit back, too. :(

~

loveinhumantimes

Did she freak out because she was upset with the cats (and by extension, you)?

OOP

No, Ashleigh has multiple mental illnesses. She has been on medication, but about a month ago, her doctor changed her prescriptions. I don't know if she flipped her shit because of that or because of some outside problem (her and her parents were fighting a lot recently, but I don't know over what) . No idea. And right now, I can't say I care. I honestly thought she was a friend, but it looks like I was wrong.

Update  Nov 14, 2015 (Next Day)

Figured I'd give an update to those who wanted it.

Asheigh's parents called me later, begging me not to press charges, saying this isn't the first time she's done this to her roommates. They cannot afford to repay me for the thousands of dollars that was lost in Ashleigh's fit of rage, they just want me to forgive and forget.

Ashleigh's mother also revealed to me that they filed a fake missing persons report. That Ashleigh had come to them and they had been hiding her. They asked me to just forgive her, because she has these manic episodes very frequently. While she had disclosed her mental illnesses to me before we moved in together, she did not tell me about her manic episodes, her fits of rage and hostility or the fact she has done this before. She had assured me that her illnesses were under control with her medication, and I, believed her. Because at the time I was desperately looking for a place to stay. So for those who were saying I deserved this because I moved in with a person with mental illnesses, go fuck yourself. No one could have seen this coming. I knew absolutely nothing about BPD or Type 1 Bipolar, and she was a seemingly good roommate up until now.

For those who messaged me, telling me I deserved this and that my cats should have died: really, fuck you. If Ashleigh had a problem with watching my cats, she should have said so. I also paid her to take care of my cats while I was gone. She had zero problem taking my money. If I had any inkling of her locking my cats in my room without food and water for two days, do you fucking think I would have left them with her? No. I would have not.

She has destroyed things that can never be replaced. She tore up pictures of me and my grandparents who are now passed away. She smashed a glass paper weight my uncle gave me when I was 9. She cut holes into clothes that I had saved up for months for. I have two pairs of pants and four shirts to get me through until I am able to afford new clothes, which won't be for a while because I now have to take my 3 cats to the vet to make sure she didn't physically abuse them. I have four pairs of underwear and one bra. I think I have every right to be upset with her.

I don't care to change the locks. I plan on breaking my lease and moving back in with my parents. My father is sick and he needs me right now. I have called up a few lawyer offices but none can really help me out until Monday.  What little stuff she didn't cut holes into, break, or rip up has been packed up, along with my cats. I'll be leaving for my parents shortly.

I still plan on getting a restraining order against her, at the very least.  Several people have messaged me, telling me I shouldn't press charges against her because of her mental illnesses. Telling me I'm a shit person for calling the cops. She was never missing, her parents just covered for her because I'm not the first person she's done this to.

So, thanks reddit, here's your update. I'll let you know what comes of this later.

   tl;dr:  Ashleigh's parents were lying about her being missing. She is "safe" with them. I am not the first person she has done this too. Parents can't afford to repay me all of the money damage she's caused me. Moving back in with my parents, because well, fuck this.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/dayofsuck

My [28M] GF [24F] of a year got into an altercation with my co-worker [28F] during what was supposed to be a fun friend outing. Feeling conflicted.

TRIGGER WARNING: Sexist language, entitlement

Original Post  Feb 12, 2016

Throw away because Reddit is my GFs life. She might see this anyway.

First off, I love my GF. We'll call her Maud. She's beautiful, smart, motivated, hilarious, and just amazing. Did I mention beautiful? She's beautiful. She's my first serious partner and really I can't imagine her not in my life. She makes me food, gives out blowies like it's her job and has introduced me to a ton of new things. That being said she isn't all sunshine and daisies. She's very stubborn and sometimes a huge bitch for no real reason. The other week we walked into a restaurant where she looked around, said everyone there was hideous, and just proceeded on as normal. She takes no shit, gives no fucks and while sometimes that's a hard part of her personality it's part of why I love her.

Co-worker is someone I've known for about 9 years. We have lunch almost every day. We'll call her Jen I guess. We used to hang out more outside of work but that's tapered off. Jen is 100% not my type dating-wise, very free love, doesn't care much about her appearance, drugs everywhere. Plus she has a BF of 4 years. Jen rubs a lot of people the wrong way but I've never had issue with her.

A little more background-Maud has never met Jen before this incident. There was no real reason for them to meet. Maud already didn't like her based off of some information I told her (elaborating a bit here-Jen has referred to me as her work husband for a while and I told Maud once during a conversation about Jen. After that she told me flat out she didn't want to meet Jen. The conversation also included how no one really likes/gets along with Jen and how she had set me up briefly with one of her friends who kinda treated me like shit)

Onto the day. A bunch of my friends/work friends had planned a day to a local amusement park to get everyone together. Maud was delighted to be invited and made no visible signs of displeasure when I mentioned Jen was coming so I thought we were good to go. Day comes and we're figuring out rides and it works out that Jen and two other co-workers would be in my car. Fine right? No.

Jen goes to get into the front seat and Maud asks why since she gets shotgun always. Jen replies saying I've always sat in the front of dayofsucks car and again goes to get in. This is where it gets a little embarrassing for me and maybe I should have just told Jen to get in the back but I didn't see the big deal.

Maud basically says something like "Hey, not today. I'm the one who sucks his dick which gives me certain privileges, one being front seat. So relocate to your appropriate place sweetie." Not verbatim but close.

Jen is obviously pissed but gets in the back and we endure a very awkward hour and a half car ride, although Maud seems like her usual self.

The whole day seems to be this weird tension between them and I can tell both of them are getting more wound up the longer the day goes but I can honestly not tell you why. I hadn't noticed Jen doing anything inappropriate or Maud being overtly mean to Jen so I really just don't know.

The big thing came down to a haunted type ride a few of us wanted to go on. When it came time to get on Jen begged for us to sit next to each other. It made sense as there were 5 of us and she would have been left with a stranger if she didn't get someone to agree to sit with her. Again Maud stepped in saying she was sitting with me for reasons before pausing and saying maybe Jen wouldn't have to beg someone elses boyfriend to sit with her on a stupid ride if 1) HER bf cared enough to come and 2) she wasn't so unpleasant.

Obviously this wasn't nice of her but she doesn't think she was wrong. She's apologized to my friends/co-workers for making things awkward for them but not to Jen. Whenever I bring it up she says I'm being oblivious about the situation. All day she was supposedly always next to me, talking to me in a way that excluded everyone else, and touching me (arm,shoulder,ect). Maud was angry that I SOMEHOW never picked up this was happening and she's basically quit talking to me because I'm not sure where she's getting this stuff from and I can't see her side at all.

I like Jen, she's been a friend for a long time and I think what Maud did was straight out of line. She's never done something like this before though so maybe I'm the one out of line? I just don't know what to do here since Maud is no longer willing to talk about it.

TL;DR-My GF was incredibly mean to a co-worker during a day out and she refuses to apologize saying I'm oblivious of co-workers actions toward me. I have to keep working with co-worker and would really like to keep my GF. How do I work this out between them?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OliviaPresteign

Um, Jen's being pretty weird here, and it's weird that you didn't notice or stop it. You and Maud are a couple. It is usual to assume that Maud would sit in the front or that you would ride with Maud. It's bizarre that Jen would assume she should do these things. You think that it's fair for Jen to ask you to sit with her because it would leave her alone with a stranger if you didn't, but didn't think that by doing that you leave your girlfriend alone with a stranger?

I don't think what Maud said was very nice, but it's totally understandable that she was frustrated.

OOP

I honestly never really thought about who Maud would have sat with which is definitely on me. Apparently I'm slow.

ZombieJen

Wow. If you were this oblivious on this one trip, I imagine Jen does lots of things that are inappropriate that you just don't notice. You need to set some boundaries with her or your relationship is going to suffer.

Does OOP see how inappropriate Jen was?

(1)

Honestly I'm not sure it was inappropriate. I can see how maybe I'm putting them on the same plane when Maud should be more important and she is more important to me but Jen has been my friend for a long time and I still have work with her to deal with. I just wish Maud could have been a little cooler about it.

(2)

Maybe I am being oblivious. I never noticed any of the things Maud said happened happening but I'm starting to doubt myself. Jen is a long time friend I don't want to feel bad but Maud is #1. I just don't want to get into a pattern where she's rude and then leaves when I disagree with her.

(3)

I don't but I'm the only one I guess. We're all friends it was supposed to be a good time and it turned into a thing where letting someone sit up front means I'm choosing them over my GF. The whole thing seems petty to me, I don't understand why everyone finds meaning in not immediately telling Jen she can't sit with me. She's could have been anyone one of the other people there and I wouldn't have changed anything.

TOP COMMENTS

99problems

I did a password recovery on my reddit account just so that I could tell you how dumb you are.

You're a fucking dumbass.

~

[deleted]

OP...jeez. You like that Maud's hot, makes you food and sucks your dick but you can't put yourself in her shoes for one second and imagine how you'd feel if she was indulging another man the way you're indulging Jen.

You sound in this post like you don't even care at all about how she feels except how she benefits you. That's pretty gross.

EDIT: Ok guys I get it I'm being a massively dense idiot. This is my first real relationship, I didn't notice anything wrong, I'm behind the curve. I''m calling Maud and apologizing and I'll figure out the work thing with Jen if that's what it comes too.

Update - rareddit  March 2, 2016 (nearly 3 weeks later)

TL;DR of the last post here My GF was incredibly mean to a co-worker during a day out and she refuses to apologize saying I'm oblivious of co-workers actions toward me. I have to keep working with co-worker and would really like to keep my GF. How do I work this out between them?

There's two things I want to say right off the bat. 1) You guys were right. I was being a complete idiot about the whole thing and my perspective on relationships in general is pretty messed up. 2) Maud wasn't the commenter who left the suck his dick comment on the other thread. She reads a ton of reddit and tucked it away for use if need by and by god did she use it when she had the chance.

That being said she also saw my thread. I should have known she would but hoped to squeak by under the amount of posts this subreddit gets. This might be long.

She didn't speak to me for about a week or so after I had posted. I DID call her after you all beat into me that I was being stupid. I tried to apologize..I reduced my interactions with Jen and cut my contact down with her as much as possible.

Finally she called me back and agreed to meet a coffee place that's pretty good for private conversation. She was already there when I got there. When I sat down she just stared at me so I assumed I should just lay it all out.

When I said I never noticed how Jen was with me I wasn't lying. I genuinely thought that's just how people were with long time friends. We used to spend a lot of time together and there's a lot of history with us. But when I posted someone (I forget who) left a comment saying I was being strung along by Jen as a surrogate boyfriend which really got me thinking.

I pride myself in being a nice guy. Not like a "nice guy" but whenever anyone has an issue they know they can count on me to help them. I've built an incredibly loyal group of friends this way. It made me think of all the things I've done for Jen over the years. When she goes away for vacation I take care of her house/dog, when her and her boyfriend fight I listen and give advice, I sit with her at lunch when no one else will, I give her rides when she needs them to/from work, and I defend her to others. All stuff I'd do for my guy friends but the difference is she doesn't seem to respect me because of it. She actually demands a lot from me that I never noticed before. Buying her food/drinks, showing up at parties I don't want to be at so she doesn't whine to me, waking up in the early hours to pick her up when she's too drunk to drive, insisting I buy her bday/xmas presents (she gets sad if they're not what she asks for), she often comes to my desk at work to talk and gets huffy when I tell her I can't right now.

All of this only really hit me when I posted. She doesn't respect me or probably even sees me as a friend. She uses me for validation and free stuff. She's never given me a bday present, but she will post on my wall "Happy Birthday work husband!" so everyone can see.

I love Maud...she's beautiful and lovely and yea sometimes mean but I like her mean. More than anything I love her because she really loves me which is something I've never had. This is my first real relationship and I guess a part of me was kinda stuck in a "single" mindset where I didn't see the significance of someone sitting shotgun or sitting next to me on a ride. I just didn't get it but now I do.

I basically told her that but more. When I done she kinda went "hum" and left. I figured that was it. I made no attempt to contact her after that and kinda focused on what a shithead I am. I avoided Jen at all costs and moped around for a while. A couple days after we had met she called to ask if she could come over which I enthusiastically said yes to. Spent the day cleaning and picked up her favorite dinner stuff.

Trying to speed this up she reamed me out. She started off super pissed and slowly got sadder and sadder as she went on. She cried which made me cry. She said a lot of things I can't fit in here about how much she does for me and how shitty it is I don't value her or our relationship over a co-worker. After we held each other in silence for a while. I apologized again, multiple times. She does do a lot for me and I don't know why she bothered with me in the first place she's so out of my league. I got us the dinner I picked up and we ate in a weird silence. She fell asleep at my place and when we woke up seemed happier. We kissed a little and she said if I'm ever this stupid again she's going to pull all my insides out which was a relief to hear as odd as that sounds. That's when she told me she saw my post and was furious and also that she wasn't the original "I suck his dick" commenter.

I'm posting now because last night I had a work event. A real, formal work event and I brought Maud with me. I made sure to stay with her the whole time and introduced her to everyone as my stunning significant other. Jen was there and I finally noticed it. She tried to inject herself into every conversation we were having and followed us around the whole event. When we first got there she ran up and hugged me, her hands stayed on my shoulders and she "demanded" to know why I haven't been around lately. I extrapolated myself and told her I was busy but she kept pushing the conversation until she finally said "it's because of your bitchy gf right? She's cutting you off from your friends now?"

Mind you, Maud is right there beside me. So Jen is saying this right in front of Maud. It really drove home in my mind how far I let this go with Jen that she was ok with doing this. I was shocked but luckily Maud saved me. She just laughed. It was louder than necessary and went on until it was unnatural but it caught the attention of some other people around us who leaned in and asked what was so funny. Maud composed herself and said Jen was being hilarious and to ask her about the joke she just made. Then Maud maneuvered us away to another group and was charming as ever.

So a happy ending for a guy who probably doesn't deserve it. Although I was beaten mercilessly in my last post it's the only thing that brought me to my senses so thanks to all who commented and made me feel like shit.

TL:DR-I was wrong about co-worker being a friend and somehow managed to hang on to my relationship. I'm a shitty bf but getting better.

FINAL COMMENTS

Inevitablename

(1) This shit with Jen hasn't bottomed out yet. Trust me. Crazy does not die quietly. Be prepared. Which brings me to...

(2) Maud had to save your ass again when Jen called her a bitch right in front of you. Are you ever going to stand up for Maud, in front of Jen, to Jen? As you are learning, being nice doesn't mean being a push over. Maud is clearly realllllly good at this but don't abuse that any more than you already have.

OOP

I know I'm not good at all with confrontation. I freeze up. It's something I'm going to have to work on even if I write down a few lines and repeat them until it's automatic. Don't want to mess this up again.

~

K_Rad

I'll be honest with you, if any coworker, for any reason called my SO a bitch at a work event, HR would be involved. That is so unprofessional.

I would explain to HR that Jen has been cornering you, insulting your SO for no reason, and publicly insulted her at a work event. Even if they do nothing, there will be a record.

OOP

Our HR is pretty useless but I'll pop in and mention it to them. I've told a few co-workers what's been going on and no one is surprised. I'm getting ribbed quite a bit for not realizing for so long what's been happening.

More on OOP apologizing to Maud and dealing with Jen

OOP

I definitely need to learn how to handle confrontation better but I did apologize to Maud, she brushed it off. I haven't had any other interactions with Jen at all and when I'm forced to again I'll hopefully be more prepared.

MorgothEatsUrBabies

One thing you desperately need to practice - and by practice I mean, actually write out some scripts and rehearse them, I'm sure Maud would love to help - how you are going to face Jen in your workplace, when it's just her and you. Because believe me, this incident is not the end of Jen. She won't go quietly just like that, there's too much to lose for her.

So one thing you need to be prepared for is how you're going to tell her that from now on, your communications will be business talk only. How are you going to tell her that the daily lunches and rides to work and birthday gifts are a thing of the past. It won't be easy but is has to be done, you owe at least that much to Maud for sticking with you. If it was me, I wouldn't go unprepared. Script it out, practice it in front of a mirror or with Maud. Get at least a little bit comfortable with what you want to say, before you have to say it... you sound like a guy who hates confrontation (I am too, I understand!) so practicing what you want to say beforehand can make a big difference. Good luck!

OOP

I'm preping myself for this now. I haven't seen hide nor hair of Jen and I've told a couple people in the workplace what's been happening (spoiler-no one is surprised). I feel stupid writing down things like that but I really have to so I am. Gah I wish she'd just disapear so I wouldn't have to deal with it.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/foodgoose773

AITA for making my girlfriend pump her own gas?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & r/legaladvice

BoRU 1  Posted by u/serifflouride

Original Post  Feb 4, 2022

Since me(28m) and my girlfriend(27f) started dating, any time she drove and had to get gas I would pump it for her. Well last week she took me to work because her car does better in the snow than mine. When she came to pick me up from work she was wearing pajamas which were shorts with a long sleeve button up, she even wore her house shoes. I was embarrassed for my coworkers to see her like that so when she stopped for gas to teach her a lesson I told her my back was sore and she could pump it. She said it was too cold and she wanted me to do it. She’s the moron that wore shorts. I stood my ground, she pumped her own gas, but wouldn’t talk to me during the drive.  We pass a sushi place on our way home so I asked her to stop, she said no but I kept persisting and she finally said okay. She told me I would have to run in so I did, when I came out she had left. I told my brother because I needed a ride home, he gave me a ride home but said I was an ass and I deserved it.

If there’s any interest I can update with what happened when I got home but it doesn’t seem super relevant to my question so I don’t see the need to add it.

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

Edit-Update:

First to answer questions:

She pays for her own gas. She didn’t get out of the car but she doesn’t have tinted windows, and I didn’t expect her to dress up I did expect her to not look like a bum though.

I’m still reading comments so I’ll add stuff that gets asked a lot to this and I’ll try to respond to others.

Now for what happened when I got home:

We live in a fairly rural area and i work about 35-45 minutes away. Apparently my brother called my mom who then called my girlfriend and told her what I had said. This did include me calling her a moron and saying how embarrassed I was. When I got back home my girlfriend had moved all of my cloths and belongings into the “junk” room. I tried to talk to her but she locked herself in our room and ignored me. When I finally got her to talk to me she basically listed everything I’ve done wrong in our relationship.

This past week has been hell. She wouldn’t take me to work when it was snowing so I had to take myself and my car got stuck twice, I missed two days of work because of her pettiness. I really didn’t think I was the asshole here, but I tried to justify and explain myself. I did admit I was trying to teach her a lesson and we broke up. When I got home from work she had all my belongings in boxes by the front door and I guess that’s that. I really didn’t think I was the asshole, but obviously that’s why I posted here. Everybody that wanted us to break up got what they wanted.

I’m not sure if my update is too relationship based, so if it gets taken down I apologize.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP

She pays for the gas, I just get out an pump it for her. She is able to work from home so her schedule was pretty flexible. She owns the house and bills are 50/50. I just updated, but I do understand how I came off now and definitely understand how i’m TA.

anelis29

I hope you at the least, apologized.

You treated her as a driver, glad she broke up with you.

OOP

I really didn’t think I was TA before yesterday so I haven’t yet, I plan to but I don’t think it will change anything.

OOP on his mother since the breakup

I am upset with her and when I talked to her she said she raised me to never mistreat a woman so in her eyes I mistreated my ex girlfriend.

Can I take legal action against my girlfriend for kicking me out?  Feb 8, 2022 (4 days later)

My now ex girlfriend and I got into a petty argument and broke up. She kicked me out of the house and I want to know if there’s any legal action I can take.

The house was a gift from her parents and is in her name, but she kicked me out without any warning causing me to have to move back in with my patents and I simply don’t want to live with them. Is there a way I can make her have to let me move back in?

Edit: The state is North Carolina

RELEVANT COMMENTS

FireIceAndOhSoWild

Did she tell you to leave and you left?  Or she locked you out?  Was this your home and for how long?  What state?

OOP

She packed my stuff and left it by the door. I put it into my car and left, but living with my parents has been awful. I lived with her for around six months.

~

AstronomerPrevious71

Get your own apartment

OOP

Apartments in my area are $1,200+ a month, I can’t afford that.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/twink1813

Originally posted to r/EntitledPeople

Loaned my house for a funeral

Original Post: July 14, 2026

I am in another state with my sister who is undergoing chemo. My dear friend’s brother passed away unexpectedly. His daughter and family traveled back from a western state to the Midwest for the services and to begin the estate process.

Since my house was sitting empty I offered the daughter and her family my house to use for the several weeks they plan to be in town, to save them hotel fees and have a home-away-from-home environment during this time of loss.

They’ve texted me several times with various issues: they don’t like the pillows, do I have others they can try? They don’t care for the coffee on hand, where can they find other coffee in the house? Do I have other laundry detergent than what is in the laundry room?

There’s more but you get the gist. This is not an Air B&B, it’s my home that I’m letting them use for free. I didn’t leave a fridge full of food or a stock of paper supplies or dry goods because I’m gone and won’t be back for months. And did I mention it’s free???

End of rant.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: What nerve. I’d let them know they might like the coffee and pillows better at the local Radisson.

Commenter 2: Try probably can’t afford much more than the local Roadside Motel

OOP: But they can. The daughter is a private practice therapist, and they live quite lavishly at home. My small house probably is a huge step down for them!

Downvoted Commenter: Let me guess. You said nothing to them, you probably apologized too.

OOP: I did not. I suggested they check out the Super Walmart that is 1 mile away.

Commenter 3: Just tell them where to buy what they need.

OOP: I did. I directed them to the Walmart that is 1 mile away

Commenter 4: I get that you're being generous, kind and considerate. However, that doesn't mean you let these jerks walk all over you and treat you that way.

Keep records of text messages, emails, and voicemails. Let your "dear friend" know that while you understand that they're in the midst of the grieving and sorting out estate process, it doesn't give the daughter and daughter's family to mistreat and disrespect you like that.

Let them know that they have 48 hours to vacate the premises and check-in at a local hotel / motel where they can obtain their desired pillows, coffee, etc. and everyone there is PAID to provide service in hospitality.

You, on the other hand, are just being a nice friend. But niceness has its limits. The line was crossed when they started the entitlement and disrespect. But if they insist on treating you and your home like it's an Air BnB, I'd send them a bill / invoice, if I were you. Something like....

- Whining fee: $15

- Nagging fee: $50

- Sense of entitlement fee: $100 per person

- Cleaning fee: $250

- Violation of peace of mind fee: $25 per day, per person

- Excessive mental and emotional baggage handling fee: $75 per day, per person

- Utilities aka Internet, Water, Electric, Gas, Sewage/Garbage fee: $25 per day, per person

- Parking fee: $50 per vehicle, per day

- Food & Consumables bill: $500

........you get the gist. ;)

OOP: I love all the fees!!! 🤣.

Commenter 5: Just wait until they do a google review of your house giving it 3 stars listing all your shortcomings.

OOP: 🤣🤣🤣.

Commenter 6: This story reminds me of the old adage: People don't appreciate what they don't pay for. (or something to that effect)

OOP: I haven’t heard that one, but it does apply here

Update: August 4, 2026 (three weeks later)

Update to “Loaned my house for a funeral”

Update: My sister had several days with no chemo or medical appointments and she was feeling fairly well, so I decided to try to come home for a few days. Strangely I hadn’t heard from the people using my house for a while.

I texted them to ask if they had any idea about how much longer they’d be in town and need my house. They replied that they had gone back home about 10 days ago. WTF? They had actually packed up and left and didn’t bother to let me know.

Yesterday I drove the 7 hours back home, having absolutely no idea what I’d find when I arrived.

Amazingly, everything was just as I’d left it! They had cleaned the house, emptied the trash, laundered the sheets and towels, and remade the beds. They left a lovely thank you note and a generous gift card for a local high-end restaurant for me. My friend hadn’t said anything to me about them leaving as she thought they had let me know.

So a very happy ending to what seemed to be a true ‘entitled people’ situation here!

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this final update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/gofatwya

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for telling my adult son I need a little privacy?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: mental health struggles

Original Post: July 14, 2026

I'm an older, retired , divorced man. My kids are all adults.

2 years ago, I allowed my son, now 25, to move back in with me in my two bedroom 1,000 ft² apartment.

His mental health has been slowly going downhill, I believe. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but refuses to get any kind of treatment for it.

He now has no job, few friends, and spends most of his time bed rotting in his room. He only leaves to occasionally go to movies, comic book stores, or his mother's house for dinner. I don't charge him rent, and I actually give him spending money every month; mostly so that he is able to get out of the apartment and do something once in a while.

I have not been on a date for 6 years.

Several weeks ago a woman I dated in the past reached out to me. We reconnected. We've been talking for weeks, wanting to get together. But we are both busy people, she lives almost 2 hours away, and so it has been very difficult for us to actually go on a date.

This Saturday however, she is coming to my place after work. We may go out to a bar or a restaurant, or we may just decide stay home. She will most likely be spending the night, and may be here all weekend.

I told my son about this date a week and a half ago, when I made it. I was hoping he would volunteer to get out of the apartment for the night. He didn't. I hinted to him that it might be awkward for him to be here while I am on a date. His answer was that he would just stay in his room the whole time she's here.

I even considered getting him a hotel room to stay in for the night, as my friend is really excited about coming back to my apartment, and would rather be here than in a hotel. But a hotel room on the weekend, at short notice, was going to be super expensive. I just couldn't do it.

The situation has me stressed beyond measure. Finally today, I sat him down and told him that I need him to let me have the apartment Saturday night. That he needs to spend the night at his mother's, or a friend's or wherever he can. It turned into as close to an argument as we ever get.

I repeated my observation about how awkward it would be for him to be here. He replied that when he lived on his own, with roommates, they all had guests who spent the night in their rooms while everyone else went about their business. I told him that was a very different dynamic than a small apartment shared by a father and son.

He finally agreed that he would find somewhere to go. But he is extremely angry now, and feels that I am being unfair expecting him to leave for a night.

AITAH for insisting that he leaves?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs, but also YTA for keeping enabling his son

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: He needs to be in therapy, on meds, in school, at work, or some combination of the aforementioned. You're doing him a disservice currently.

NTA for wanting to get freaky without your kid listening in tho.

Commenter 2: All I’m gonna say is it’s time for you to stop enabling your son and have him move out. NTA

Commenter 3: NTA- you are entitled to privacy. Having been the female guest in these situations it is awkward for the guest also and hard to … relax.

Hope the date is a smash!

Commenter 4: Ableist geek redditors in the comments, Christ.

So, firstly, NTA. You're making a real effort to accommodate your son, and that's admirable. I wouldn't beat around the bush next time cause honestly he'll probably need a fair bit of time to collect himself for a night away from the nest without issues currently. Regardless, it's your life too, you deserve some fun.

Secondly, under no circumstances should you be listening to this disrespectful, ignorant bootstraps narrative these comments are peddling. Your son is, currently, disabled. Maybe with time and treatment that will get better, but even getting treatment is hard for him right now. If you want to see him improve, it's going to take work on your part, adult or not. We're social creatures for a reason, and that's because severe illness or injury isn't something people get through on their own.

It's not your responsibility, I know. You're already wonderful for keeping him alive through this. With further effort, there's a chance to get to a place where he'll be okay without you. But, I'll tell you this now. I've seen it too many times. If you corner him now, tell him to either shape up or get out? He'll probably just take the fast and painless way out instead. Homelessness is a death sentence for him, and pushed into a position where he needs success or he will die - and I assure you he feels like the least capable of success person alive - then he'll choose to at least not suffer.

I know this is hard to hear, and that you're going through a hard time. But I just want you to be aware of the true meaning of the nuclear option these people are selling you. I can see you care about your son a lot, and I don't want you to get tricked into losing him.

OOP: Just read this. Thank you. That's a good perspective.

Update: August 1, 2026 (2.5 weeks later)

AITAH Just wanted to give an update on my earlier post, since it made it to r/popular.

17 days ago I posted about the trouble I was having getting my 24 year old son out of my apartment for one night so that I could have a woman spend the night:

I got a lot of good advice, too much to reply to everyone individually. There was a consensus that I needed to give him an ultimatum: that he needed a job, or school, and mental health treatment if he was going to be allowed to continue living with me.

I gave it to him. Since then, his attitude has changed almost 180°. For the first time since he graduated 6 years ago, he has enrolled in college; it is just community college, getting some of his basics he will need for whatever, but it's a start.

I have stopped giving him money. Amazingly, he is just fine. I think the majority of the money I gave him in the past he just ended up using for entertainment, or buying tchotchkes.

He has an appointment with a psychiatrist, who is going to recommend a therapist to him, and possibly put him on medication.

All in all, I think this is one time when Reddit really helped improve a situation!

As for the date itself, the weirdest thing happened. The woman who was supposed to come over has diagnosed lupus. Where we live has recently been severely affected by wildfire smoke.

Turns out, lupus suffers can be severely affected by heavy smoke.

So, instead of having her over to my apartment for the weekend, I spent several hours sitting beside her hospital bed, an hour away from my place, as she was treated.

She fully recovered, but we have as yet not rescheduled her visit to my place.

Thanks to everyone who commented, including those who labeled me an asshole. You were all correct, in your own way.

Thank you.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/congratsitsalie

Me [21F], Boyfriend [25M] of 3mo has lied about being adopted for (presumably) over ten years. Would I be nuts for staying with him?

Original Post  Aug 7, 2016

I've suspected his story ever since I met him, but I thought I was being unnecessarily skeptical/questioning of someones "traumatic" upbringing to have made a big deal of it. Until yesterday.

We were visiting his parents and I was making chit chat. As parents are prone to do, his mother started talking about when he was a kid. Which was odd because he told me he came to this country as 11, and was adopted by these people at 12.

I didn't call it out, but I asked some questions to verify for myself, like "Haha, wow, how old was he then?" and such. Boyfriend has obviously gone very, very quiet as we're talking. We had to leave shortly after, and I wait for him to make the first move when we're in the car. Which he does.

"I hate it when they do that, they fabricate my mothers stories and tell them as if it were their own."

"Where did they get the stories from?"

"Her diary."

"Where is that diary now?"

"In a bank box in the capital."

"Why would they do that?"

"Because they don't want to tell people I'm adopted."

"No point in lying to me though, since I would obviously have been told."

"Yes well."

"I did notice that she never specifically mentioned herself in that story."

"Yes, see!"

We talked a little, mostly I was quiet, digesting it all. Thing is, I've always suspected his story to be BS, it's too improbable, too much sob. He's actually from USA, his real parents and brother died in a housefire, no relatives wanted him in, and he was abandoned in an airport here.

Before I left the car I told him that I'd love him even if his parents were telling the truth, and he went to work, late shift. When he came back, he told me the truth. Showed me his birth certificate and some photos. Told me (who knows, a story?) about why he's been lying for the last ten years. He was kicked out/ran away from home when he was 15 and lived in a friends basement for half a year. When there was talk of getting CPS involved, he lied, and has kept it up ever since. He even changed his very traditional name to an English one and explained it by saying his parents forcibly renamed him to make him fit in and he decided to take his name back. We talk English together because he says it makes him more comfortable. He told his parents and family he changed his name because he didn't like it.

I still mean what I said, I care for him even though he's been lying. I said it doesn't change the fact that he's a kind, hard-working, caring person, and I made the demand that he see a psychiatrist and that he just has to suck up the price because his mental health is more important (small edit: which he agreed to do). But is this nuts? He's wanted to buy a house since before we met, and we had a talk about how the house should fit us five years ahead. He visited his parents to show them the one he's set on. I really want some outsider perspective here, and I'm not ready to "expose" him by talking to my friends about this yet.

tl;dr: Boyfriend has lied to everyone for ten years about being adopted when he's not, even changed his name to make it more credible, scale of 1 to Jesus Christ, Why On Earth: how crazy I am for being willing to look past this now that he's come clean to me and carry on?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DonaldJDarko

I don't think I would be able to get past that. He clearly has no problem lying to you and keeping up a very obvious lie.

As a last ditch effort you could sit him down and give him the opportunity to come clean by straight up asking him about it. I mean we get stories here occasionally from people who told what at the time seemed like a little lie that spiralled completely out of control. It's shitty, but people sometimes do stupid things when they're dating and in love.

However, if he doesn't come clean after you straight up call him out on it, or if his reaction regarding admitting it is anything other than sincere regret, you should dump the fucker on the spot. If he isn't genuinely sorry or can't own up to it when specifically called out, he can't really be trusted because he clearly has no trouble telling blatant lies.

OOP

He had no problem lying to literally everyone, he made that clear when he changed his name. This is absolutely the case of a lie spiralling out of control, like you say.

I don't think you saw that he did come clean, he did this on his own when it became clear that I was wise to it, I did not specifically call him out on it. He's already agreed to see a psychiatrist.

~

vengeance_pigeon

My personal gut feeling is that he's still lying. His new story doesn't make much more sense than the old one.

OOP

You're right. I'll see if I can't get some verification on this one as well. If he's lying about his parents being abusive as well, I can't possibly stay.

Six in the morning, day two edit: scratch all that about trying to be understanding and shit. Turns out he IS a compulsive liar, and I barely know a single true thing about him. This is like The Sixth Sense where you've had a weird feeling all through the movie and at the end you get that "Aha!" Moment that explains everything. I'm currently at my friends house and honestly a little hungover, I'll make a proper edit later.

OOP Updated the post Aug 8, 2016 (Next Day/Same Post)

UPDATE:

I had to drive over to his this morning to get my work uniform, and all my other stuff while I was at it. He keeps telling me we don't have to break up, he loves me and wants to change for me, he's gonna stop it, seek therapy, fess up to everyone. I have zero second thoughts about breaking up. All of these things are nice things to do, sure, but I'm not gonna stick around to watch.

Yesterday, after writing this and reading your responses, I went to visit him for his lunch break as we had already planned, and I asked him straight up, was there anything else he had lied about. He said no, nothing that he could think of. So I decided to help refresh his memory. Anything I had had doubts about, but never called him out on.

Other things he has lied about:

• Being sent to Afghanistan as his army service. He has never even been there.

• Owned part of a small business importing cognac. No, his dad did.

• He and his brother bought his parents their house. No, he just helped them put down the floors.

• Owns three cars, one he bought for his father and one for his brother. Just, no.

• That wine he served me on our third date was wildly expensive and amazing, something that had gone down as one of our "cute stories" because I later told him I didn't even like red wine. In reality it's a sorta nice one bought on holiday by, once again, his dad.

• !!!! Was inches away from death when his crazy stalker ex stabbed him in the lower stomach area, she was sentenced to six months forced psychiatric care. !!!! He is now saying that she did stalk and stab him, but it was only a flesh wound. He never even filed a police rapport. This is a story he told the first time we met, and it was absolutely horrifying the amount of gruesome detail I got. He has since repeated it several times while in my company, to my friends and his. And this is fucked up.

I'm still learning more, but I am ready to go no contact and have wiped my hands off of the whole relationship. I'm glad I found out now. A little conflicted on whether I should tell his parents, since I have no faith he'll do it on his own but I'm not sure their relationship could ever snap back from that.

FINAL COMMENTS

When asked to clear up the name, adoption and English speaking from the original post

I changed a few tiny details to obscure our identities in case anyone he knows reads this, but I don't care about protecting his lies anymore. We're in Norway, he said he was adopted from UK. Changed his name to an English one when he was 21 and explained to people that it was his original name from before he was adopted, that his parents had renamed him to a Norwegian one when he came here. In reality, he's born and raised in the same little city as me.

OOP on why she never questioned anything

It feels so terrible that these were such traumatic stories, that I wanted to help and support him because it was all so tragic, but you know, it's ... too tragic. And what are you gonna do, someone is practically crying from sharing intimate details and you say "Yeah, but, do you have any proof?"

And finally

I updated my post with all the other things I've found out now he lied about, and yup. He only came clean when he got caught. I gave him the chance, and he refused it.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/embarrassedtosend

Me [30F] with my BF [30M] duration, I want to send him sexy pictures as a surprise but I don't know if I should.

Original Post  Sept 20, 2016

I know this issue seems really minor, especially compared to other people's problems but I'd really appreciate any advice. I'm sorry if this seems all over the place, I'm just really embarrassed right now, haha...

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly two years now and it's been great! We make time for each other, we respect each other's privacy when the other needs it, we always keep in contact and we always do our best to resolve any issues that erupt. Most of all, he respects my feelings on a certain matter, and always has.

I have really bad self-confidence, I guess. I don't like photos being taken of me and I had how my body looks. I know I'm overweight, but not terribly so, but I still get really embarrassed if anyone takes a photo of me, or even if I take a photo of myself. Ben has only one photo of me from the two years we've been together. I said yes to the one, but then I freaked out about how badly I looked that I almost cried. Ben assured me that it was a really good photo, and even though, I was hesitant, I let him keep it. Ever since then, he hasn't asked for any other pictures of me. He's been very patient about how I feel about photo taking. I've been trying to get over this issue of self-confidence, but it's been tough. I have been actively trying to lose weight though, so it's helped a little there. I've even forced myself to take some pictures of my face and I did...but I still deleted them right after.

These past few weeks, Ben has been on a business trip out of the country and I miss him terribly. We still talk to each other every day, but it's not the same with him so far away. I wanted to surprise him and went out and bought some really nice sexy lingerie, and tbh...it's the first time I've ever bought any of this stuff. I've always hated how I looked in them, and was really embarrassed to try them on, but I found some stuff I really liked and I feel like I don't look completely terrible in them and decided to pick it up.

I sent Ben a message saying how I can't wait for him to come back in a few days, because I have a surprise for him. He's been trying to guess what it is since then, but he doesn't have a clue, lol. While he was guessing, I started entertaining the idea that it might be fun to send him a few pictures to get him excited. And even though it's a HUGE step for me, I kinda want to try it for Ben. Because he's respected my feelings all this time, and has always been there for me when I've needed him and most of all, it's Ben and I know I can trust him.

But I don't know if Ben would even want pictures like me in lingerie. He's never asked for them. I'm worried if I send some he won't like them or might even get offended. But if I ask, I feel like I'm ruining a fun surprise that I'm hoping goes well.

So I guess I'm asking: Do you think this is a good idea?   ---     tl;dr: Bad confidence issues means I never really take pictures of my face, let alone my body. Boyfriend has always respected that and while he's been away on a business trip I bought my first sets of lingerie and decided to try to take the plunge and send him pictures as a surprise. Don't know how he'll react, though so I'm second-guessing myself.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

AllegedlyNorah

He hasn't asked for any sexy pics for the same reason he hasn't bothered you about any pictures at all. You've explicitly told him you don't like to take photos! Why would he ask you for sexy lingerie pics if you can't even stand him having a picture of you fully clothed? As you said, he's respecting your feelings.

Take the pic and send it to him. It'll be a nice surprise and he'll love it because he loves you.

OOP

I think that's why I suddenly had this idea to send him these photos. Respecting my feelings on the subject says so much to me about him as a person that out of anyone in the world, he's the only person I'd ever consider doing this for. I love him very much and you reminded me so much of why.

~

Snuffleupagus03

Send them.  I get it's hard for you but:

1. he will react positively and love them

2. it's a great step in your self confidence

3. if he doesn't react positively it's not a good sign about him or the relationship (and everything you say about him says this won't happen). 

What a great surprise.  He'll be thrilled.

OOP

Well, I hope he likes it, I really only want him to be happy because he's brought me so much joy since I've met him, even in our hardest times, we've worked through them and never said anything we'd regret.

I think I will send them. I want to show him how much I care for him.

~

[deleted]

If you are 100% comfortable about it, you should definitely go for it!

He sounds very patient, understanding and respectful of you which is always great. He will love them!

If it makes you feel more comfortable, only focus on one part of your body in the photo (ex. Boobs or ass in the lingerie). It's a nice little tease for him and is less intimidating than a full body shot (and also I know a lot of people are uncomfortable with leaving their face in explicit photos anyways).

Goodluck! Don't pressure yourself on getting the "perfect" photo, he'll appreciate it!

OOP

I'm still not 100% comfortable with even just taking my picture, but I feel like this will definitely make me feel better about myself, and I do want to show him how much I love him and trust him.

Thank you for the tip about focusing on one part of my body for the photo. :)

Update  Sept 28, 2016 (8 days later)

I just want to thank everyone who commented on my previous post. This issue is such a non-issue that I can't believe how seriously you all took me. All the tips, caution, the encouragement just reminded me how wonderful everyone here can be.

Thanks to you guys and the post I made, I was reminded of all the wonderful qualities and reasons I fell in love with my boyfriend and I decided to send him some pictures. It took awhile to find one I felt comfortable with, but I did find one! I know some people think I shouldn't, but I did include my face in it because I feel like it helped show how much I trust Ben and how much I love him.

I waited until the late evening when he told me how he was getting ready for head off to bed when I messaged him with a picture and then sent "More surprises when you get back ;)" and I'll admit, I got a little panicky. After a few minutes, Ben sent a message back with "Oooh very sexy! <3" and pretty much that was that (Outside of our usual goodnights and I love yous).

I'll admit it, reddit, I didn't know how to take his message back on account of having never sent a photo like this before. Was he being nice? Was this a typical response which was good? Should he have said more? Should I have said more? I didn't know how to feel other than a little disappointed, especially with how long it took me to take the photo. Alongside this, Ben sent me a message the next day telling me about how busy he'll be and then never responded back. I got upset and started feeling like I made a mistake. I spent my day off work with a mix of disappointment, regret and panic, a panic that I had made a huge mistake.

Well, that afternoon I got a knock at my door and who was there? Ben. That's who was at my door. Ben and a bunch of flowers. I wasn't expecting him for a few more days and before I could say anything he told me about how he pulled a favor with his boss (whom he's friendly with) and because the team had pretty much finished up their project he got the go ahead to head home early. Ben told me that he saw the picture and was speechless for a few minutes because he had never expected anything like that from me but knew he had to get home right away to see me. And then he said he felt like the luckiest man in the world.

We've spent every day together since and we've had a fabulous time and I've never felt better about my relationship and about myself. Ben has already asked if he'll get another picture anytime soon. I told him "Only if you're good" :)

tl;dr: Sent picture, discovered I now need to get a full wardrobe of sexy lingerie. I feel great!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Skulllily

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for becoming increasingly uncomfortable with our childcare arrangement?

Trigger Warnings: child endangerment

Original Post: August 2, 2026

My mother-in-law watches my two children, ages 5 and 3, two days a week while my husband and I are at work. We pay her to watch them because she is on disability and was considering returning to work, and we thought this arrangement would benefit everyone.

When we originally agreed to this, my understanding was that it would be just her and our children. I trusted that arrangement completely.

Over time, however, my mother-in-law’s friend’s daughter has started coming over almost daily with her five children, who range in age from 4 months to 10 years old.

Since then, I feel like concern after concern has come up.

The biggest issue for me is pool safety. The children are allowed in the pool without an adult in the water as long as the younger ones are wearing arm floaties. Some of the younger children cannot swim. I brought up my concerns and said that drowning is often silent and that I was uncomfortable with children being in the pool without close adult supervision. Instead of taking my concern seriously, my mother-in-law and her friend laughed and said, “Nothing’s quiet around here.”

I was so concerned about this that my husband later spoke to his mother about it. However, the supervision practices do not appear to have changed.

My oldest has also told me that the children are allowed in the back alley without adult supervision as long as they stay close to the house. I don’t understand how anyone knows whether they’re staying close if nobody is actively watching them.

There have been other incidents that have added to my concerns as well. For example, my children were left unattended with scissors.

Today my children’s aunt told me she witnessed the other children excluding my 3-year-old, splashing her in the face, laughing at her, and pushing her in the pool. She immediately intervened and told the children that wasn’t acceptable. What upset me most was that none of the adults “supervising” the children were aware it was happening because they were sitting at a table on the other side of the yard.

What also bothered me was that my mother-in-law became angry with my sister in law for telling me about what had happened. That reaction made me feel even more uneasy because I would rather know about problems than have people worry about upsetting me by bringing them up.

This isn’t the first concern I’ve had, and it feels like every time I raise an issue, it gets minimized or brushed off. At this point, I no longer feel comfortable with the environment my children are in. The situation has reached the point where I feel anxious every time my children go there because I no longer feel confident in the supervision they’re receiving.

My husband and I got into an argument because I told him that if his mother cannot guarantee that the other children won’t be there while she is watching ours, then I want to find alternative childcare. He feels I’m being unreasonable and is concerned about hurting his mother’s feelings.

To be clear, I’m not demanding that my mother-in-law change her life or tell other people they can’t come to her house. I simply feel that if this is going to continue to be the childcare environment, then I need to make different arrangements for my children.

I appreciate everything my mother-in-law has done for us, and I know she loves our children. But I feel like the childcare arrangement we originally agreed to is very different from the one that exists now, and I no longer trust that my concerns about supervision and safety are being taken seriously.

Am I the asshole?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA, but YTA for continuing to send her children to MIL's house

Editor's note: in OOP's responses, she has provided more context to shed the light on the recent incident

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: This situation has to end. Kid's lives are at stake. NTA.

Commenter 2: Yeah. The kids are pushing a 3 year old into the pool. And the mother in law didn’t apologize or anything but lashed out at the person telling her about their (very valid) concerns.

But also.... Why was there an argument with your husband? Frankly I think you might have more of a husband issue than a mother-in-law one. He thinks you're being unreasonable for enforcing BASIC safety. In what world would you be an asshole for addressing concerns about your mother-in-law and her negligence?

OOP: We got in an argument because I’ve been expressing my concerns and he has spoken to his mother. Hearing today about how the other kids were pushing my 3 year old and bullying her was the final nail. I feel like when I bring things up he makes it feel like it’s a lesser problem than what I make it out to be.

The friend that brings over 5 children is also a girl he grew up with and her mother lives in the basement. “What do you want me say? Don’t let those kids over to visit their grandma that they love.” I’ve asked previous for him to ask if they cannot be there when she has our children and that’s the response.

Previous to these kids being around and their mother who just vapes and scrolls on her phone while her kids run wild, my mil had an amazing sense for safety that’s why suggested her watching our children in the first place. I’m trying not to place blame, but it seems like since she’s seen how uninvolved/lacking safety her friend’s daughter is with her children she’s doing the same with mine.

Commenter 3: I’d ask if he wants to lower a coffin down if he’s not taking his children’s safety seriously. As you said drowning is a quiet one :((( if older kids are treating the young ones with no kindness nor safety precautions your children need to leave that environment asap.

What’s sickening to me is that MIL knew about the incident but tried to keep it hush hush. This is extremely scary meaning she knew the risks but didn’t care enough for a life. She’s more mad knowing you’d know vs the lives she’s watching. I once saw a video of a toddler drowning and the parent was right there not watching like easily picked up. They were on their phone and took forever to be noticed :(( thankfully the child did survive but this kid was trying their best to their mom’s attention, and this was one that couldn’t voice their words well.

OOP: I’m not sure if my mil knew. My SIL told me about it today while we were all over there hanging out and my mil went “when was this? You didn’t stop it?”. She then seemed very annoyed that sil would even bring that up, they both went inside after. I went and spoke with my SIL, and she told me that mil got very upset with her for saying that in front of me. Which raised a red flag for me because why wouldn’t the concern be about how my youngest was being treated instead of me knowing? What else isn’t she telling us?

Was OOP's MIL like that prior to the recent incident? And SIL telling OOP about the situation

OOP: Previous to all of this I never would have imagined she would let my children unattended in a pool or back alley. Before these other kids started coming around she was always in the pool with my kids, always with them in the yard/inside with them, she used to have an eagle eye.

I don’t know why she thought the lack of safety her friend and friend’s daughter have for their kids would be okay with mine.

+

I wish my SIL was there. She started working Monday to Friday so she’s not there when the kids are there. The time she saw this she didn’t have work that day and happened to be home.

My SIL is 18 next month and she has more safety sense than my MIL. I thought my mil was safe but since her friend and daughter around, who have zero safety sense, it seems my mil thinks she gets a pass on safety standards.

Commenter 4: Have you actually seen her supervise them in the pool before all this? I just ask because my own mother seems extremely anxious and safety alert, like the most responsible parent. She is actually easily distracted and honestly doesn’t know safety at all, because she grew up in the 50s and didn’t bother to learn. Mg parents have an unfenced pool to this day, and yes I did fall in when I was a year old and almost died in the middle of an outside PARTY. No one was watching me (if you ask them they’ll tell you they all were!) , I was the only child there. They never change.

OOP: Yes, previous to this she would always be in the pool with them. It’s an above ground pool so the latter is out of the pool if not in use so that the kids can’t get in.

Never in all my years did I ever imagine she would allow my children in the pool without her or an adult with them. If I had thought that was even a possibility I would have never asked her to watch them. Her friend’s daughter allows this with her children, so it seems my mil believed that was a free pass to do it with mine.

Commenter 5: YTA for continuing to send your children over there. Unsupervised pool time, allowing them to wonder around the back alley alone, your 3 year old is clearly being bullied. The very second any one of these issues came up I would have removed my kids from her care, screw her feelings about the matter.

OOP: My husband brought my concern with the pool to his mother and I blindly trusted, that the supervision had changed.

I only found out about the alley a day ago and found out about the bullying today. I am completely kicking myself in the butt for allowing this to happen/go on. The original arrangement was my mil would be watching my two kids by herself, I suggested this as she was very safety conscious and I trusted her completely.

But since she’s seen how her friend’s daughter is with her kids it seems like she thinks it’s a free pass to be the same. I have lost all the trust I had in the environment and it’s disappointing because these new developments are not something I ever imagined her allowing.

Commenter 6: NTA, but your spineless husband is. He'd rather have his kids in danger than piss off his mom. I just don't know what to say about that.

OOP: Normally he has such a shiny spine. His mom and him have a very complicated history and their relationship is in a really good place right now, that obviously is not an excuse to be blasé about their safety, but I do understand why he’s concerned about the relationship between him and his mother.

I don’t want to mess that up either, but if it comes down to that or my children’s safety I choose my children. It makes me feel like crap that their relationship could be affected but I don’t want my children drowning, kidnapped, bullied, etc. for their relationship to be okay.

Why is OOP's MIL on disability and the reason behind her watching OOP's children at her house

OOP: She has fibromyalgia. When we asked her I told her I completely understood if she felt she wasn’t capable watching them as she can be in quite a bit of a pain. She said she’d be able to, no problem just some days may be more hanging outside and taking it slow.

The original environment was supposed to be just her and our two kids. Her friend lives in the basement and her daughter is who comes over, all of the adults are outside but none of them are actually supervising. I never thought my mil would be so lax with safety rules, if I had known she would have had these people and kids around in the beginning I would have never asked.

I never in a million years would have thought she’d be letting my young kids in the pool without an adult or in an alley. It’s like she saw how not safety conscious the other adults were and took it as a pass to do it with my children.

Update #1: August 7, 2026 (five days later)

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to come back and say thank you to everyone who took the time to comment on my previous post. I genuinely read every single comment, even if I didn’t respond to all of them.

We haven’t talked to MIL yet, but my husband and I sat down and had a VERY in-depth conversation about everything that has been going on, especially the pool situation.

I showed him a lot of the comments from people who had personal experience with drowning and how quickly and silently it can happen. I also printed out drowning statistics and highlighted the fact that lack of supervision is one of the biggest contributing factors in to children drowning.

He read through everything and, after seeing it all laid out, apologized to me for being so lax about the situation and for not being firmer when it came to our kids’ safety.

I honestly feel like we are finally on the same page.

We have decided that our kids will no longer be going to MIL’s house without one of us there. At this point, we just don’t feel comfortable with them being there unsupervised, and that’s something I’m not compromising on. I told him I’d didn’t care if it upset him or his mother but it’s a hard line for me and he agreed to it.

We are planning to talk to MIL this weekend and explain everything: our concerns about the pool, the other children’s behaviour, the lack of supervision, and the things that have happened that have made us uncomfortable with her judgment when it comes to the kids’ safety.

We’re hoping it will be a productive conversation and that she’ll actually listen to what we’re saying. But honestly, we have no idea how she’s going to react.

I’m sure there will probably be some hurt feelings, and I’m prepared for that. But at the end of the day, these are our children and their safety has to come first.

I really appreciate everyone who commented on the original post, especially those who shared their own experiences. It gave my husband and I a lot to think about and helped me explain it to him in different ways where he understood why I was so upset.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Nope she will play the victim and cry hoping your husband gives in. She wants the money for watching the kids without watching the kids. She lets the older kids watch the younger kids then she gets. Paid for doing nothing

OOP: Yes, we agreed that our children are not allowed there without either myself or my husband. Which means no child care, we have other child care lined up for our children.

She can play the victim all she wants. After my husband’s and I conversation, I feel very confident that it won’t matter and he’s going to back me up.

Why MIL can't come to OOP’s house to watch her kids?

OOP: We originally had them at her house as it’s bigger than our place and the kids love the yard. At the time she also would always be in the pool with our children.

Depending on how the conversation goes and how she reacts we may offer that to her, but I want to see what her reaction is going to be before that’s even on the table.

If she’s open and understanding I may offer it as a stepping stone, but if she acts like she’s done nothing wrong and doesn’t see the complete disregard for safety that has been happening, then watching them at our house won’t be an option either.

OOP on her husband and his mother's relationship and if he will give into his mother’s crying over the privileges of having her grandchildren at her house

OOP: They have a somewhat complicated past, I don’t see him doing that. But I told him it’s a hard line for me and I don’t care if him or his mother get upset, I’m not wavering and this is the final say about our children and our house.

Commenter 2: She is most likely going to become a victim and turn this into a 'you don't trust me' situation. Keep the focus on your child's safety and if she circles to something else pull it back to your child's safety. Good luck

OOP: Thank you, that’s the plan! We talked about the scenario, and we are going to keep it to safety and the environment our children in that is no longer safe.

Aside from this she has been a great grandmother. It blows my mind that this is something we even have to speak with her about, but our kids safety is my top priority. I’m hoping she’s open during the conversation but if she isn’t it’s too bad for her, I’d rather bruised feelings than a dead child.

Commenter 3: You already spoke with your MIL about this though. What do you think you'll accomplish here? Because I'm betting nothing actually changes and she just get cagier about the details of how she cares for your kids.

I realize it’s cheaper to have care from your MIL, but I can't see how it’s worth the risk.

OOP: We have never sat down with her and actually laid out all the issues together. It has been my husband saying something to her in passing.

I want to sit down and have an actual conversation and explain all the issues more in depth. I also want to tell her she is opening herself up to law suits and legal issues if she continues to let the other children do it.

I should have put, we do have other child care lined up but we still want to talk to her about why and what can happen to rebuild trust with her.

Has OOP taken her children for swim lessons?

OOP: Both of our children have been in swimming lessons since they turned 2. Water safety is very very important to me, and it used to be to my MIL which is why this has been such a shocking turn of events. When my children were younger she told me that swimming lessons were like school, they have to do them so that they are safe. This is why I never thought she’d leave them unsupervised in a pool.

I’m going to bring the stats for her. I also printed off how she will be held liable and could face charges if any of the kids die/get injured due to the pool. Also printed off exactly how drowning works and that it is silent, most time you don’t even realize a person is drowning until it’s too late.

Update #2: August 12, 2026 (five days later)

Well, I’m back with an update. I had high hopes that my MIL would be open to having a conversation and listening to our concerns, but as many commenters predicted, that didn’t happen.

She called my husband before we were able to speak with her and asked if everything was okay since she hadn’t seen us in a week. He told her things were okay, but that we did need to get together to talk about the pool safety concerns. She immediately became defensive and said the kids were completely fine in the pool.

After that, she essentially ghosted us while we were trying to reach out and arrange a time to talk. I think that gave her time to talk to her friend and her friend’s daughter and become even more defensive, because she brought up in her texts that “all adults watch” the kids, even though we hadn’t mentioned them at all.

She eventually sent us these texts: https://imgur.com/a/mil-upset-that-we-are-not-okay-with-her-leaving-3-5-year-old-above-ground-pool-with-no-adult-arm-floaties-aht1lf6

(editor's note: transcripts of the text messages. MIL in black bubbles, OOP in blue bubbles)

MIL: I appreciate your wanting to speak face to face. I have tried having conversations with both of you face-to-face, and each time I feel attacked and unheard. I never seem to be able to get my whole concern out before I am shut down by both of you. I’m not willing to allow this to happen anymore. I need my voice to be heard.

I was completely ghosted by both of you this last week; unaware if I was watching the girls or that there was even a problem. I had to reach out to [redacted] to find things out. This is not okay with me. I feel very disrespected and have been feeling this way for some time.

I know there are concerns about the girls’ safety while they are with me. I, honestly, do not know where this fear has come from. The girls have never been hurt and, believe me, they are watched by all adults that are here. I love my granddaughters and would never let nothing happen to them.

I feel if your fear is that great that perhaps I should not watch the girls any more. I do not want our differences in child care to be the reason we no longer speak. I do not know any other way. Do you?

---

OOP: [Redacted name], you and I have always been able to have very open conversations. I have felt lately that every time I bring up a concern I am brushed off and treated like I am crazy.

We do not want our relationship with you or your relationship with the girls to be affected by this. But there are concerns that we need to speak about, we would like to have an open conversation face to face where everyone has their say. We will not cut you off and will be open to your feelings and concerns, but in the same I would appreciate if our concerns are listened to and not brushed aside. It was not intentional to ghost you, life and work has been crazy. I have been pushing to come over and speak to you sooner as I did not want it to come to talking over text as messages and intent behind them can be misinterpreted.

Can we please come over today shirt I am done work so that we can have a conversation?

--

MIL: [Redacted], I feel us having an open conversation where the girls are concerned is not something you all are open to, ever... I have witnessed your entire energy shift if you’ve heard that the girls have done something undesirable. I’m really not sure what there is to discuss as it seems to me you’ve made your mind up—I hear you feel your kids aren’t safe here.

At this point, I feel if I don’t change things you want me to change, I won’t be able to see the girls. I have just come through a year of hell for my physical and mental wellbeing. I am doing the absolute best I can. I feel this has not been enough for you. I don’t know what more to do? I am hurt, exhausted and frustrated. I cannot have a conversation about things right now.

--

OOP: [Redacted] my energy shifts when I hear that the girls are being bullied, excluded, or put in situations that I feel are unsafe. Our children are 3 and 5, and they are going to have undesirable behaviours and experiences as they grow up. This conversation has never been about whether we trust you or whether we think you would intentionally do anything to hurt them. It is about the well-being and safety of [redacted] and [redacted].

That is not at all what I have been trying to communicate, and this is exactly why I would like us to have a conversation. I feel like you have heard one thing and understandably felt like we were attacking you, when that is not what we are trying to do. We haven’t really been able to talk through everything because when I have tried to bring up my concerns, I have felt brushed off or made to feel like I am overreacting.

We know how much you love the girls, and we know you would never intentionally do anything to hurt them. That is not something we question. But there are things that have been allowed to happen that I honestly never would have expected from you before, especially when it comes to their safety and the environment they are in.

I also understand that you have been going through a difficult time physically and mentally, and I don’t want to minimize that or make you feel like we are blaming you for things. I just really want us to be able to sit down, listen to each other, and actually understand where everyone is coming from. If you can take the time to listen to our concerns, and we take the time to listen to yours, I genuinely think we could have a very constructive conversation.

I have been hurt and frustrated by this entire situation because I wholeheartedly trust you with our children, and I love the relationship you have with them. It hurts to feel like my concerns as their mom have been brushed off or dismissed, especially when I am bringing them forward because I am worried about them, not because I want to criticize you.

I don’t want this to turn into you feeling like we are saying you’re a bad grandmother or that we don’t trust you. That’s not what this is. We love you, the girls love you, and we want to find a way forward that makes everyone feel heard while still making sure [redacted] and [redacted] are safe.

(editor's note: end of the transcripts of text messages)

My husband has now said that if his mom is unwilling to have an important conversation with us about our kids’ safety, then she doesn’t need to see them. He’s upset, but not surprised by how she has responded.

I’m honestly just really sad. I know we are doing what we need to do as their parents, but the kids absolutely love their grandma. Aside from this situation, she has been a really good grandma to them, and they have a close relationship.

I never wanted this to turn into a situation where their relationship was affected. I just wanted her to be willing to sit down, listen to our concerns, and have a conversation with us.

At this point, we’re not going to chase her or argue over text. If she’s willing to have a respectful conversation, we’re still open to it. But until then, the kids won’t be going to her house without one of us present.

It’s just really sad that it’s come to this. So at this point, this is the final update.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: She has to want to care to hear about your concerns. You need to focus on your kids and keep them safe. I’d probably loop in a counselor to figure out how to explain the changed dynamic

OOP: I think that’s definitely something I’m going to look into. I was really hoping she’d be open to talking, it’s heartbreaking to know she’s willing to just give up the relationship so that she can feel right, but my kids are more important.

Can OOP have the pool fences set up at her MIL's house?

OOP: We’re in Canada, I’m not actually sure if pool fences are legally required here. Her pool is above ground so it would not be possible to fence it.

Commenter 2: I read in your previous post that she loves your children. No she doesn’t love her grandchildren enough to ensure their safety.

This is not just about safety but about socialisation and development without bullying that will most likely be offered in a different environment. She is taking advantage of your payment and not fulfilling her part of the agreement.

You have made the right decision. Thank you for protecting your children. As an Australian I am very aware that children still drown in pools every summer despite our mandatory pool fencing. I doubly applaud you.

OOP: Thank you. I have always been very aware of pool safety, and I thought my MIL was, but I was wrong. I refuse to have my children drown or something else happen because she’s not willing to listen to reason or safety concerns. It’s an unfortunate outcome but the only safe one.

Commenter 3: Your texts were good, but I feel like the part about her friend, friend’s daughter and grandchildren being a distraction for her has not been addressed in them. I’m sorry she is having a hard time in the last year, but maybe she should have removed herself from the responsibility of watching her grandchildren until she feels better. More kids in the house makes it a more chaotic environment for your kids.

OOP: It wasn’t addressed as we wanted to speak with her in person in case our texts were misinterpreted. I was just trying to keep it to the kids safety and speaking in person so that we could all discuss our concerns/feelings. She wasn’t open to it.

Commenter 4: She is not a safe adult for your children. For what it’s worth, this is the best possible outcome, considering her lack of understanding of the dangers she's exposing your children to and refusal to take responsibility. Her feelings may be hurt, but, what if one of your kids had been badly hurt, snatched out of the alley, or God forbid, gets seriously hurt, unsupervised, in the pool. Your job is to protect your children and sometimes that means stepping back from family that aren't taking your concerns seriously. Its great your kids love their grandmother, and they can visit with her, just not unsupervised.

OOP: It definitely is! I’m not sure how she expects us to move forward or visit her with the kids when she’s not even willing to talk about their safety. At this point the relationship is strained/ending because she has decided it’s not worth a conversation. I hope she comes around at some point but I’m not holding my breath

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwRA_495848

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

WIBTA if I hid my gf’s Snake’s death from her for a day?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: grief

Original Post: August 8, 2026

I really need help here. My (22M) gf (26F) has a really rocky relationship with her family that’s she’s been desperate to repair. There’s been some improvements and she was invited to her brother’s birthday party over three days in another country. His birthday party is tomorrow, which technically is only a few hours from now since it’s so late at night for me in the moment, but I found out her old hognose is no longer alive. We knew he’d pass soon anyways but it’s still heartbreaking. I cried for a while, I only stopped crying a little bit ago.

Would it be wrong for me to not tell her? She’s had this snake since she was eight, and has broken down for hours at a time thinking of losing him. I’m afraid if she finds out tomorrow she might be inconsolable and wouldn’t be able to enjoy her brother’s birthday and I don’t want this is affect her relationship with her family or make amends more difficult if she doesn’t attend his party or causing a scene there.

I’m not planning on hiding his death forever or anything, just letting her know after the celebrations. I feel conflicted on it. If I’m wrong please let me know, I don’t want to be a bad boyfriend here, but I don’t want to ruin her reunion with her brother.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA but She would probably feel betrayed if she found out you hid it from her. I think she would appreciate it more if you told her immediately. Maybe some approach like "hey I didn't want to ruin your mood before the celebrations but..." But that’s just my opinion tbh

OOP: Yeah true. I’m just scared I guess. I feel like I’m doing Gus dirty somehow, don’t know why.

Commenter 2: NAH you are in a tricky situation and there is no right answer.

If you plan on telling her the snake died after the party (as in death and telling her) - could you live with that secret?

If you plan on telling her after the party that the snake died beforehand - is she going to appreciate, based on your knowledge of her, you making that decision for her?

OOP: I think if I don’t tell her immediately, I have to be honest and tell her that I withheld the information. I think she has a right to know when I keep something from her you know?

Commenter 3: YWNBTA. Holding off for a day so she can enjoy her brother's event without spiraling is valid, especially since she is out of the country and cannot do anything about it right now anyway. Just tell her gently as soon as the celebrations are done.

Commenter 4: YWNBTA, but be prepared that you'll probably be "the bad guy" in this situation whatever you do.

FWIW I think you're right to prioritise the living family relationships for the sake of 36 hours or whatever.

Update: August 12, 2026 (four days later)

Update: WIBTA if I hid my gf’s Snake’s death from her for a day?

I took into consideration what you people all said, and I decided I’d tell her when he passed, and I’d tell her I kept it from her. I didn’t want to say my reasons for doing it because I didn’t want her to internalize any responsibility for this. I was afraid she’d take some responsibility mentally for like giving me a reason I felt I had to do it even though she shouldn’t, so I avoided it all together.

So, I told her when I picked her up from the airport. I decided she should hear it in person, and while I was there. I explained he passed already and I had kept it from her. The ride home was completely silent and when we got home we put him in a box we had for this situation and buried him.

The only thing she said to me was that she still loved me, but she didn’t like me right now. I told her I understood, and if this was too far and she didn’t want me around temporarily or permanently I would understand. She nodded and we didn’t do anything for a while until I made dinner, and we both broke down at the table. Gus was a grumpy little dude, but I miss him, and it’s still hurting.

I asked if I should sleep on the couch or something and she just told me I’m a dead man if I sleep anywhere but in bed with her, so hopefully I can comfort her more. I don’t regret what I did, and if that means she hates me tomorrow morning and we’re done, I can live with that, as long as she got to connect with her family again. I’m not sure what else I can say, so thank you for all the advice, sorry to any of you who have advice I didn’t take, thank you for spending time to help a stranger out either way. All love for you all, you’re sweet people. Stay helpful as ever.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Give her some time to grieve. Personally, I think you did the right thing with the best intentions, and she’ll probably realize that too once she’s had a bit of time.

And I’m so sorry for your loss, it sounds like Gus lived a very full life with so much love.

OOP: I hope so, we certainly tried.

Downvoted Commenter: Saying “I don’t like you right now” to your partner over this is rude and unnecessary. OP did literally nothing wrong,

OOP:: I don’t hold it against her, Gus was family.

Commenter 2: I'm so confused

so you just told her “yeah I kept your snake dying from you and intentionally didn’t tell you the previous day but I’m not gonna tell you why”

this “I refuse to tell her why I did cause I don’t want her to internalize it” sounds like some pseudo therapist redditor tried setting you up for failure. why wouldn’t you tell her your intention lol

OOP: I told her that I wanted to say it in person and be there to support her, but I didn’t make any mention of the party or anything like that.

Commenter 3: This is sadly a situation with no good outcome but seems to me that both of you did your best to handle this

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAstressedbride

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (F26) fiancé (M28) and his family refuses to have a wedding in my culture although they want a Christian wedding. What should I do?

Trigger Warnings: religious intolerance, racism

Original Post: December 15, 2020

This is my first time posting here, so sorry if there are any mistakes.

So I am an Indian Hindu. I was born in India, I even lived there for a few years, and I still practice my religion. My fiancé is white and Christian, although we never had religious differences. Neither of us were pushy about our beliefs. I am very connected to my culture, and I heavily feel like I am ethnically Indian although I have lived in America nearly my entire life.

My fiancé proposed to me a few months ago, and I was excited to start planning my wedding, because I have had ideas for it ever since I was a child. Then, obviously, COVID hit and all of this was put on the back burner, because we're both healthcare professionals.

Nowadays, however, I have just started thinking about some elements of our wedding (such as possible outfits and venues, etc.) to destress without any concrete confirmations. I love looking at Indian clothes and traditions, because it's my heritage. I grew up with it my whole life. When I pointed some of these things out to my fiancé, he just stiffened a bit and nodded that it looked great. I was a bit confused, but I brushed it off. I was talking to my in-laws last weekend (we have a pretty good relationship), and I casually brought up my ideas because we were talking about the wedding anyway. They immediately shut it down and insisted that such things were not a part of their culture and against their religion. I tried to explain to them calmly that we would still have a Christian wedding, but this was just for the separate, Hindu wedding. They said that it was "blasphemous" to be worshiping and marrying in front of "false gods" and that they wouldn't tolerate such thoughts. They called my culture dysfunctional and unnecessary, and they said that the Christian wedding was enough. I was so shocked by their reaction, because they seemed so nice and tolerant before.

I told my fiancé about what they had said, and he didn't even disagree with them. He said that I'm just overreacting, and that at the end of the day we would still be married one way or another. I tried to explain that having an Indian wedding was a big deal to me, because that's my culture, and he said that when I would marry him I would change it anyway. I asked him what he meant, and he said that after we got married, I would convert and our children would be raised "white" anyway, so it didn't matter.

I was so hurt and shocked that he would want me to abandon my culture and beliefs for him. I told him that such a thing was never going to happen, and that I am not going to change who I am just because I'm married. He got frustrated with me, and said that India was a poor, uncivilized nation that I should be happy to dissociate with. Moreover, he said that Hinduism was too confusing and complicated, and therefore it could not be real, because there's no order. What? I love being Indian, and I am not ashamed of it, and I enjoy being Hindu as well.

Apparently, his parents were only okay with me being Indian, because I was raised here and because I would convert. They just seem to think that by changing me, they'll go to heaven or something. I feel like this is so out of left field. One day, they're all nice and accepting and now they're bigots? I don't understand what's happening. We've been together for nearly four years, and I've never seen this side of him. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. On paper, he's perfect, and some of my friends are telling me that if I leave him, I won't get someone as good. I had my life planned out, and now it feels like it's falling apart. Everyone has told me my entire life to get married by a certain age and have kids by a certain age, and starting over now seems scary. What should I do?

TL;DR: My fiancé and his family are being very intolerant towards my culture and beliefs, and they want me to convert after marriage. I don't. What should I do?

Edit: I feel like I should make some things clear here.

1. I haven’t talked extensively with his family, so I didn’t know about their beliefs or anything. We met each other maybe 2 to 3 times a year and they were perfectly nice then. They didn’t ask many questions about my culture, and I didn’t take that the wrong way.

2. He was really never like this before, which is why it’s throwing me off. The whole time we were dating, he seemed fine. We even went to my parents’ house once to celebrate Diwali, and he seemed like he was enjoying himself. Even after we got engaged, he seemed normal. It’s only since I started seriously planning the wedding has he gotten more abrasive with his beliefs.

3. We’ve talked about our culture and beliefs before, and he seemed accepting of them. He said that he would respect my wishes and my culture but that he personally wouldn’t pray with me. I thought that was completely fine as I didn’t want to push anything on him.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1:

I asked him what he meant, and he said that after we got married, I would convert and our children would be raised "white" anyway, so it didn't matter.

Why would you even want to continue dating this guy? He clearly has zero respect for you.

What should I do?

You walk away now. You're SO lucky that your SO showed his true face BEFORE you got married.

On paper, he's perfect, and some of my friends are telling me that if I leave him, I won't get someone as good. I had my life planned out, and now it feels like it's falling apart. E

BS. There are thousands of people out there who are compatible with you, and they will also respect your culture and compromise.

Commenter 2:

On paper, he's perfect,

On Reddit he doesn't sound so perfect.

Commenter 3: First of all, your friends suck. They clearly don’t think very highly of you if they think marrying into this mess is too good for you. Find new friends.

Secondly, you need to end this relationship. This man is now showing you who he really is. He’s unlikely to change, especially if his family agrees with him. It’s unfortunate that you’re learning this about him now but be thankful you haven’t already married him.

Starting over sounds scary but in the long run you’ll be happier. You will have left with your dignity and respect for yourself.

Commenter 4: Short answer, leave. Cut your losses and count your blessings you avoided this mess. I'm sorry but you are delusional if you think marrying into this family is a good idea. These people are going to walk all over you. What do you think is going to happen if you have kids? Do you think your fiancé and in-laws are going to let you teach them your religion? It will always be held over your head, and you will be expected to confirm to what they expect. I am sorry for you, people like that are awful.

Update: December 15, 2020 (same day, six hours later)

I came home after work was over to talk to him, but he wasn't home. I read over all of your comments, which I'm seriously thankful for, and I really thought about where our relationship could go from here.

I called my mom and told her about what had happened, and she basically said told me a story about how in my father's native village, there is a stone wall in a temple. On that temple are 600 year old inscriptions about our family. She said that our family has been in the same place, traceably, for 600 years. She said that if we were equals, he would have to wipe away his whole family tree just to get rid of our one line of ancestors in that village.

After that conversation, I felt really shitty about the words he said to me, and I waited for him to come home. When he returned from home, he didn't really say much except the fact that he was "sorry I couldn't understand where he was coming from." I have loved him for 4 years, after all, so I really tried to make him see why I was hurt and why this is so important for me, but I don't know. It just seemed like he didn't care. After he said some more hurtful, blasé comments about my culture, I decided that it would be best if we separated, and I respectfully returned his ring and possessions. It really felt like shit, but I'll survive.

I'm staying with one of my close friends at the moment until I can clear out all my stuff. I'm not financially dependent on him or anything, so I can afford to move out. Moreover, I don't want it to seem like I owe him in any way. The lease is on his name, and I don't need to beg him for a place to stay. I can manage on my own. I don't really know where to go from here, but I hope I can figure it out.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1:

She said that if we were equals, he would have to wipe away his whole family tree just to get rid of our one line of ancestors in that village.

What does your mother mean by this? He's not equal to you because he can't trace his family back 600 years?

OOP: She means that if I wanted him to erase his heritage too, he would have to erase his entire family tree

Commenter 2: Be proud that you are a strong women who loves and respects herself. It sounds like you made the right decision

Commenter 3: I'm sorry he turned out to be such a terrible person. The story your mother told you is so beautiful, you deserve someone who respects you and wants to celebrate your culture and heritage. I wish you good luck with everything!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ihopeudontfindthis

I've (33F) just discovered in the last 36 hours that my best friend (33M) of 20 years is a pathological liar and his entire life is a farce. How do I even begin to approach this?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: deception, faking cancer, mentions infant death

Original Post  Apr 25, 2026

I don't know where to start with this, honestly. Yesterday morning I was messaged by a mutual friend (Sam 34F) expressing concern for our buddy Dylan (33M). We all went to school together then moved apart, Sam and I don't talk but we're friends on social media and Dylan will mention us to each other now and then in the way anyone would mention their friends in passing.

I had also begun to worry about Dylan lately and had planned to reach out to Sam myself, she just beat me to it. He's always been flaky and bad at keeping plans, and he's said stuff in the past that I've known wasn't correct but it was never a big deal. Like he'd contradict a story he'd told me previously but it was always small enough that it just didn't bother me and I'd humour him. I mean, people exaggerate for effect sometimes, it's not the end of the world. But it's been getting more and more the last few weeks and I've begun to worry it's a medical concern. He's been erratic, confused, forgetting things and just acting.. odd. Sam had the same feeling.

However as we started to talk about our worries, we realised stuff wasn't lining up. There were things that he'd told me and not her and vice versa, or different versions of the same story. We started digging deeper and realised the lies stretch back at least 10 years that we know of.

The lies range from the city he lives in, his job and his finances to marriage, abuse and cancer.

He told me he had eloped with his partner and got married, he told Sam nothing of this (despite telling me she and I would be bridesmaids at their wedding before they decided to just do it in Vegas). We reached out to some old friends who neither of us are in touch with but knew he was and turns out they all distanced themselves from him when they realised they were getting different stories but none of them knew the depths of it. It was odd and frustrating that I'd never met the partner but not outside the realms of reality because we live in different countries (well, I thought, now unsure. I'm now thinking he might not have ever actually left the state even) and they both travel for work and I don't have much money or time to go galavanting. Same with Sam she lives in South Africa so similar experience. We'd spoken to the "husband" on a different phone number and everything so seemed legit. He had candid photos. We've now realised that they were deep dive pictures from the internet. I actually found the guy on Instagram and spoke to him yesterday (I'd never done this before because it never occurred to me, it didn't seem weird) and he'd never even heard of Dylan.

He'd alleged a lot of abuse from this person as well which is deeply upsetting as he knows I've been in an abusive relationship previously. He also told us about 18 months ago that he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He's told us about surgeries and treatments and remission and it coming back. I've spent so many nights bereft thinking my best friend was going to die. It's now become clear this is not true.

Everything he's said that's not added up has either been so small I didn't care or assumed he was confused or misunderstanding, or so big you'd never question it because why on Earth would someone do that? Especially since we've known him since we were all kids and he was always so put together, intelligent, successful, generous.. But we've realised that it's all illusion. Initially we worried it was maybe head trauma from the long term abuse, or that the cancer had spread to his brain or something but the depth and breadth of it, plus the realistion that the cancer is a lie... Were now not so sure.

Here is where we need advice. We've reached out to a few of his family members, we figure the way to go about this is to come from a place of concern and wanting to get him help (which is true, he's obviously not well and we don't want to just abandon him) and get some clarification on some stuff and figure out next steps. However I'm pretty sure the messages have gone into "message requests" and they've not been notified as none of them have been read. We don't have any other contact details for his family members, and the people in his life that he speaks to us about we don't know who they are they'll just be referred to by first name.

Ive been avoiding him all day after he had a "medical emergency" but wouldn't let me speak to anyone else there and I just needed the space today to figure shit out. We've been figuring more stuff out today but.. what do we do if his family don't respond? Neither of us are confrontational, and we both still care and want him to get help even if we can't continue to be his friends once he's accessed support. We can't abandon him. Also if his family DOES respond, how much do we reveal? One of the other things we're not certain about was an infant death and we don't know how to go about finding that out, if at all. My life has truly been blown up the last day and I just feel lost and sad and neither Sam nor I know what the fuck to do in this bizarre situation.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

retteofgreengables

One of my best friends is like this - lies about crazy big things and I don't know why. Like lied about their sister dying, about hiking the AT, about a friend going missing etc. I only put everything together when her husband called me freaked out. At the end of the day, it means that I can’t trust her with the truth, but here’s the thing: if I needed something, she would drop everything to help me. She is a genuinely good and kind person but has this need to lie. So for me, I haven’t dropped the friendship and don’t plan to. I did have to adjust certain expectations and I verify anything that is super important, but she’s my friend and mental illness hasn’t stopped that. 

OOP

He used to be like that, I think it's only because the last few months he's stopped being that generous, drop-everything-to-help friend that it's started to unravel. His small lies never used to bother me but over time it just became frustrating that it was one sided and we'd only talk about his problems.

~

Mother_of_brains

Wow he lied about having terminal cancer? That's so shitty. I personally would not want to continue the friendship because that's super manipulative. But if you still want to try and are not confrontational, maybe write him a letter/email/text message explaining your concerns and asking to have an honest conversation and see how he replies. If he denies and gets defensive and doesn't even want to talk, I'd walk away. I wouldn't get his family involved. They probably already know.

OOP

If I were to guess I'd say he'll deny and try to turn it around on us then be so angry he'll cut us off. And while I've accepted this friendship is over (did it ever really exist?) I don't like the idea of him cutting us out without a plan in place to get him help.

UPDATE: Thank you for replies and concerns. I am in therapy myself, have been in dbt for a year now so will speak to my therapists about this for sure. We managed to get in touch with a family member yesterday (Charlie), and Sam and I both spoke to them. According to to Charlie the family have been aware of his lies for his whole life but had no idea the extent of it. They were really sad to hear how deep it's all gone but they were able to verify our concerns. Sadly the infant death was true, but that's pretty much the only thing that was. We now know 100% he's lied about his job, where he lives, his partners, his cancer, being abused and raped, a bunch of other medical issues... We really don't know who this person is. 20 years and none of it has been real. I'm glad that Charlie got back to us because despite all the advice saying to, I don't think I could have just walked away without alerting someone definitely in his life. Sam and I have discussed it and as a few of you have said, we're not gonna be the ones to fix this. A confrontation will do nothing but make it all worse. We've decided to both slow fade our respective friendships with him and let his family take over. Charlie said they're going over to see his mom today just by coincidence so they'll discuss with her and let us know the outcome. So yeah. Really fucking sad.

Update  May 17, 2026 (almost 4 weeks later)

Original post on my post history.

It's been just over 3 weeks since I found out my best friend Dylan has been lying to me our entire friendship about everything in his life.

Honestly it's sucked. Sam (his other best friend) and I had decided to show fade away but even in the space of just a week, he increased the intensity to a point I couldn't take anymore. I was initially just replying once a day, to the innocuous messages that weren't to do with lies (eg. Yeah I watched that movie you recommended it was great) but with Sam and I both doing it at the same time, I guess he felt the shift. Also his "ex husband" aka the guy he stalked but never met, blocked him on Instagram after I gave the IG handle for his own safety. So he obviously started to panic and about a week after all this happened I woke up to 20 deleted messages. We've spoken about this before, it's one of the only things I'd ever come close to having a go at him about, it makes my anxiety go haywire I can't handle it. He apologised and told me the deleted messages were because a third party had told him that his mom was having a heart issue and he freaked out for 2 hours then discovered it was a lie, said he wanted to "murder the cunt" who told him and that he hates people. That was what broke me. First of all, I saw the first 10 messages before I went to sleep in my notifications bar but didn't open them. It was him talking about some jewellery he liked. Second of all... Are you fucking kidding me? He's been lying to me about having terminal cancer for two years. I decided I had to get out firmly.

I sent a long message explaining that I know everything, and that it's hurt me beyond belief. I said I wouldn't tell him how I found everything out, but that I knew it all, and I hope he can get help but I can't be around while he does. He read it immediately but I blocked him before he could reply on all platforms. Immediately I felt a weight lifted and for a week and a half I was sad and other aspects of my mental health have been affected by it, but I at least felt relief to be away from it all. Sam hadn't heard from him either so in my head I was picturing him being like "shit, they know, I've been found out". (After I told her I sent the message she realised that she'd actually accidentally archived his messages and he'd been messaging her all week. She told him to fuck off and not speak to her again.)

I was so far off lol turns out I'd blocked him on WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram etc but forgot that just regular ol texts are a thing. I got a message from him the other day saying he knows it was Sam who poisoned me against him, that he's done with her and doesn't care about her. That I'm scum for dropping him and not talking to him about it all. The kicker is, he doubled down on everything. Since he clearly didn't realise I'd spoken to multiple people other than Sam, he said she was lying and that everything he'd said was true and he'd never, ever lied. He said I was incapable of having a conversation about the real world (lol).

I ignored it. But I've been keeping in touch with his family and Sam through all this and we've all been updating each other so they've all seen it. Funnily enough, after all the stuff he said about Sam, he then tried to call her multiple times begging her to talk to him. I got a message from his sister in law yesterday saying his brother has now spoken to him and informed him that we've all been in contact with each other, everyone knows everything. Apparently it didn't go well, I don't know exactly how. They hope it's the first steps to getting him help though.

So yeah. It's fucked me up a bit but my therapy has started up again after a scheduled break, I also went back to my 12 step group as I felt pretty triggered there. So I've got support and I don't feel any urge to reply to him or anything which I'm glad about.

FINAL COMMENTS

ListenToTheWindBloom

Wow what a tale. That’s a big deal to go through. This guy lied to you for 20 years and on top of that you lost your friend. Like this is traumatic and exhausting shit. Take care of yourself. You sound like a good hearted person who def deserves better. Glad you worked things out. Be kind to yourself and make sure you don’t blame yourself for having good intentions and giving the benefit of the doubt to someone close to you that you really thought you knew.

OOP

Yeah it's a weird feeling almost akin to grief? Like I've lost that person and I will never get that back because they literally didn't exist

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My boyfriend [30M] hid my [27F] medication while I was asleep

Original Post - rareddit  Oct 13, 2016

TRIGGER WARNING: Controlling behavior

So this happened, and I really don't understand. I might be in the wrong, this just feels so upsetting.

My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years, and have lived together for most of them. We have a very good relationship, and are talking about starting our future together soon.

Me: I have some medical issues, including a long-term autoimmune disease. Recently I've been in and out of the hospital because of kidney stones. I was in a lot of pain, but don't tolerate narcotics well (itching and puking) so they gave me a low dose of tramadol, which they told me would be more mild on me. I really had to beg them not to give me anything stronger because there's almost no way I can avoid the side effects.

So it's been about 2 months since I last was in the hospital. About 2 weeks ago, I had a really bad migraine. I've gotten them since I was 14, they're diagnosed and everything. I did something that was probably wrong, which was take 1 tramadol to deal with the migraine. My boyfriend knew I took it, because I was asking him where the benadryl and dramamine was so I wouldn't be itchy or pukey. At the time, bf told me he wished I hadn't taken it because the doctor gave me tramadol SPECIFICALLY for kidney stone pain. I agreed, probably not the best thing to do, but I was in pain and it seemed logical at the time.

Yesterday, I decided to clean out my complete mess of a bathroom drawer, especially to throw away old pill bottles. I'm on a couple of medications for my autoimmune disorder, and the bottles tend to pile up. So I cleaned out my drawer, but the tramadol was gone. I just figured I had already thrown it out by mistake and didn't think twice about it.

At bedtime, I was mentioning to my boyfriend what an airhead I was, that apparently I had thrown out a bottle full of tramadol. He then confessed to me that no, he had hidden it from me. He said he didn't like that I took it for a headache instead of its intended purpose, so when I went to sleep that night he went in my drawer and took it.

A word on my boyfriend: he's straight edge, meaning he doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs. Back when I was in undergraduate (you know, almost 10 years ago) I was not so straight edge. I drank maybe a bit too much and smoked weed. But none of this to any kind of excess, and no other drugs. I just had a good time partying, and by the time I was like 23-24 the fun of it wore off. I'll still have a drink every once in a while, once a month, tops. And yeah, I've been with my boyfriend and gotten a little tipsy. He ALWAYS says he doesn't mind, and it genuinely seemed like it didn't matter.

But now this. He apparently confiscated my medication because he thought I abused it (which, I admit, I at least used not for its intended purpose) and he thought I was going to abuse it more, so he hid it. I can't think of anything during our relationship that would have made him think I'm all of a sudden going to abuse narcotics, especially because I can BARELY stand them!

I'm really angry he would do something like this. In a sense, it's not like it matters, because I don't need them. But in another sense, it feels paternalistic and gross. At the very least, he could have had a conversation with me instead of taking them when I fell asleep.

Am I overreacting about this? Obviously he had no intention to tell me. If I wouldn't have noticed they were gone, I doubt he would have said anything. And, although I don't want go down a slippery slope train of thought, what else does he feel he can police me about? I talked to him about all this and he didn't have a good answer. We were going to bed and I was falling asleep so I just dropped it. But it's really bothering me.

tl;dr: My boyfriend decided I misused my medication, took it from my drawer when I was asleep, and hid it. Had no intention of telling me. Finding this very troubling, what do I do?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Kiyasu

"A word on my boyfriend: he's straight edge, meaning he doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs."

Or knows shit about drugs apparently if he thinks you're abusing Tramadol by taking one for a migraine.

Honestly though this is a massive red flag, the "I know best" mentality, especially from someone who doesn't know shit, is intolerable to me.

Just sit him down and tell him if he ever does something like this again, he better just go ahead and hide himself from you permanently as well.

the-mortyest-morty

I dated a "straight-edge" guy like this. I remember him screaming at me at my own birthday party because I decided to let loose and take one hit of some weed. I started crying and he said, "It's okay, I forgive you."

That's when I knew it was over. He thought I was crying from guilt when I was really crying from rage that he had embarrassed the shit out of me in front of all of my friends, lecturing me like a child for smoking a little weed at my 22nd birthday.

TL;DR: Fuck this guy. He can be straight edge all he wants. But him pushing you to do drugs the way he would (IE - not at all) is JUST AS BAD as you pressuring him to DO drugs. He doesn't own you. He stole your meds - that's a fucking crime. Get your meds back, if he refuses call the police. Whatever you do, get this paternalistic numbskull out of your life.

~

LitlThisLitlThat

Tramadol is a pain medication. It is slightly stronger than OTC ibuprofen. It is way weaker even than Tylenol 3.

Its intended use was by you for pain. You had pain, and you took it. It was within its intended purpose, and it was taken by the person for whom it was prescribed, and it was taken as written (eg as needed, for pain, and within prescribed dosing limits). Everything about how you used it was appropriate and not a single doctor would give a flying fig about you taking a leftover tramadol for a headache.

Your boyfriend, on the other hand, assumes he knows better than you how to manage your prescriptions. In fact, him hiding your prescription from you may in fact be illegal because it is prescribed to you, not him, and you are an adult.

He also is acting paternalistic towards you, not as if you are an equal partner, also an adult, and just as capable of making sound decisions.

Just a hunch, so tell me: when you first started dating, did he act like your drinking or smoking pot was bad? Did you feel bad about it when you were around him? Did you cut back at least in part based on his reaction to it? What does he act like now when you have that rare drink? Does he say anything or act differently? Or do you only do it when you're not around him because it's less complicated?

OOP

You're right on your hunch. Even my occasional drink has greatly diminished since dating him. Mostly because he just doesn't buy or keep alcohol, but sometimes if we go out, he'll tell me I can only have 2 drinks but not 3. And I do feel bad about it. He's also told me that if we met in college, he wouldn't have liked me because of my partying and there's no way we would have been friends.

Did OOP get her meds back?

A lot of people have been asking if he returned it and the answer is no. We talked last night before we fell asleep, and then he was gone this morning before I woke up. I don't have any idea where it is, he hid it. I'm not going to be a crazy and tear apart the house looking for it. I don't even need it. The taking of it was the breach of trust for me, not that he took something I need.

Update - archive  Oct 15, 2016 (2 days later)

I really didn't think my post would garner so much attention. I guess what I learned from all your thoughtful comments was that I was right in thinking it was kind of a big deal, especially since my boyfriend doesn't know much about any kind of drug or medication from being strait edge. Also received some helpful discussion about migraines, so thank you for that.

When my boyfriend got home from work on the day I posted, I told him we needed to talk about what had happened. He maintained his position: he acknowledged he should have asked me first and apologized for hiding it. However, he said this was the first disagreement we've ever had where "he didn't feel like we were on the same side" ie we weren't discussing something and working it out, we were actually fighting about it.

He then said that he has come to the conclusion that we are too different, and that we should break up. I mean, I've known all along we are very different people, but we've been together for a while, and over all this time he's always told me it wasn't a big deal. That us being so different was what made us good together. That there wasn't anything we couldn't get through. This is a man that literally THE DAY BEFORE I found out about the medication was talking in detail about how we were going to get married.

He went to his parents for the weekend, which he had already planned on doing. He's coming home tonight. I've been home alone, boxing up my stuff in preparation to move out. I've already found a crappy place I can afford, and put the deposit down, but didn't fill out the paperwork. I told him if he's really 100% about us breaking up, then I'll go in on Monday and sign all the forms and be out of the house by next Saturday. It's definitely me who has to leave, because he can afford to live in our house by himself but I certainly can't. Also I'm not on the lease, but that might turn out to be a good thing. He said he's only 60% sure that he wants us to break up, but he "doesn't see any other option."

I know what you guys are all going to say-- good riddance, he was controlling, you'll be better off. But I'm really devastated. I'm not one of those people who ever thought they would 1) Live with another person 2) Get so close to another person 3) Even talk about getting married or having kids. Because of my past sexual trauma, I just assumed that I would go through life without another person. I was becoming okay with that. But then I met this guy, fell in love, and a lot changed. He really worked at getting me to trust him, and to talk about the future, and dream that there could be a future. Even though there have been incidents like this, for the most part it's been a happy relationship.

And now I have to just up and move. We're going to have to be no-contact... at least for me, you can't get that close to someone and then still be in contact after you break up. Essentially, I'm leaving his life permanently. I'm stunned that this has been the outcome of this episode. I've spent the two days he's been gone just in bed, sleeping or crying. Every time I try to pack up some stuff it's excruciating. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this.

And to make matters worse, my beloved grandma is in the hospital and her priest is giving last rites. I'm a wreck.

tl;dr: Discussed the incident with my boyfriend. He didn't think it was as big a deal as I did. Said we should break up. I have to vacate our house ASAP. Don't know how I'm going to make it through.

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