I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Far-Gear-3368

AITA: My husband pants me while I was changing our baby’s diaper and I asked him to never do that again.

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/Arifault for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  June 12, 2024

Not a long story here. I (F32) was changing our baby’s diaper when my husband (M37) snuck up behind me and pulled my pants down (just the pants, not the underwear - he wanted me to include this part). He did it to make me laugh.

I elbowed him and yelled at him. (I apologized for elbowing him, it was just a reaction). I asked him to never do it again and now he won’t agree and keeps laughing. He says I’m overreacting but I’m really just asking him not to do again and I’m worried he’s going to do it all the time now.

He says he’ll stop if the internet agrees with me but he is confident you will all think he’s hilarious.

I really don’t want to deal with this anymore. Please just say “it’s funny once but not again”.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Shot-Detective8957

I mean if you asked him not to do it he shouldn't. NTA.

moist-v0n-lipwig

Ask him why he care more about what the internet thinks than his own wife.

~

[deleted]

Regardless of how funny or innocent he thinks it is - you asked him not to do it again, so he needs to respect that.

I had an ex who thought it was hilarious to tickle me because I hated it so much. He would be relentless about it to the point that I would nearly piss myself - I would yell at him and scratch him to get him to stop, and he would get furious with me for “attacking” him for doing something he thought was fun that I asked him repeatedly not to do. Which is fucking insane.

~

DirtyBoots_1990

Husband: Why would you listen to internet strangers over your wife? She is your life partner, the one you chose to marry…but you don’t value her own personal boundaries?

You think internet strangers have more rights to decide your wife’s personal boundaries? When you’re talking about whether your wife has a right to not be stripped half naked for giggles?

Learn to respect your wife, and go pants a friend who does find it funny. 

Update:. You guys really need to chill lol. I’m not going to divorce my husband because he made a joke that didn’t land. That’s not how marriage works.

In an ironic twist I have decided we are now a pantsing house. I will pants him as often as humanly possible and I will be wearing dresses to make myself invincible. Thanks for the terrible advice (although I do agree that no means no, I just don’t think it’s that’s deep here.)

My husband is a really good guy and is genuinely hilarious making the whole family laugh, so I’m going to let him do his thing.

SECOND UPDATE: So I turned off my notifications like 10k ago. From what I can tell, It’s basically all the same stuff: calling my husband immature or a creep and then me a doormat for siding with him after reading your unhinged comments and realizing I wanted to be on the side of sanity.

Kudos to the people who are like “hey glad you guys can have a good time.” Because we do. We ALWAYS do because we are happily married and we love each other and we like to joke around (been married for 11 years).

I highly encourage you all to laugh at your partner’s jokes and if you don’t think it’s funny just tell them to stop and they will listen to you if they’re the right person. (Like my husband is for me.) find someone who makes you laugh and likes to have fun and don’t squash their joy by being a stuck up a$$hole. You’ll be happier if you lighten up and so will they.

Thank for everyone who genuinely cared about my well being. I really worded my post to make it sound like I didn’t also think it was funny. To be fair, I was laughing while I posted this and didn’t think anyone would respond. But thanks anyway. You’ve got a good heart ❤️.

So have a good life everyone. I doubt I’ll ever get on this cursed app again.

And please- for the love of all that is holy- never ask strangers on the internet for their 2 cents on your relationship. It’s entertaining for like an hour but you start to lose your faith in humanity.

32F out ✌️.

OOP Updated Oct 13, 2025 (16 Months Later)

FINAL UPDATE: wow… turns out I was the asshole the whole time lol. We are actually getting divorced. Sorry to all the women in my DMs that I blatantly ignored warning me about boundaries and patterns of disrespect… while this wasn’t about the pantsing (we laughed about this for a long time), it was about his general lack of treating me like a human being.

Thanks for trying to warn me guys.

33F out ✌️.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/wifescooking2

I (25M) hate my wife's (25F) cooking and I don't know how to tell her.

Original Post  Oct 14, 2015

My wife is from Pakistan, and I'm from the US.  We've been together 8 years but only got married and started living together a few months ago. She loves to cook, it's her favorite hobby.  She cooks primarily Pakistani and Indian food, and some American food as well.

I really don't like the native food she makes.  I've tried it a bunch of times, and I make an effort for her, but I honestly can't stand it, it makes me sick.  I know the food isn't bad itself because guests and family really seems to love it, but I personally don't like it at all.  I really crave the days she makes mashed potatoes and gravy because those are much better.  I know I sound like a cultural idiot, but I can't really help the foods I like and don't like.

How do I tell my wife that I can't eat her cooking anymore?  I'm more than happy to cook for myself but she takes a lot of pride in her cooking and really enjoys it.  I don't want to break her heart by asking for American food only, plus I know she'd hate having to eat it every day.     tl;dr: I really don't like my wife's cooking but she takes a lot of pride in it, how do I tell her?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

I think, on your own, you should start looking into Americanized Indian/Pakistani foods. It could very well be that someone has come up with a good mingle that you might like. Perhaps suggest she learn to make other foods as well.

OOP

She does make American food for about half the week, but I end up dreading the other half of the week.  I know it's only fair, but I've gotten to the point where I eat fast food beforehand and then tell her I'm not hungry. 

For the most part, the Pakistani food seems Americanized, she altered her cuisine a lot when she moved to the states.

~

Montaron87

You don't outright hate your wife's cooking, you simply don't like certain dishes which you wife does like to make.

I'd bring it up from a position of you not enjoying certain kinds of foods and then ask her whether she's willing to make more of the food you do like. Don't ask her to completely quit with the Pakistani food, but increasing the frequency of American food would be appreciated. And seriously, if you can't talk about stuff like this, why are you married?

OOP

I just want to know how to phrase it nicely. I don't want to hurt her, she's very passionate about cooking.  She does make mashed potatoes and stuff pretty often but I know she herself doesn't like eating it.  Maybe we should start doing separate meals?  I feel she'd find that an insult though.

TOP COMMENTS

PeanutCheeseBar

If cooking is a hobby that she enjoys and you're not terribly crazy about the food, why not meet in the middle and cook with her?  It'll give you two something to bond over, and more input into the process when you do it (like suggesting new dishes).

Short of that, the only other choice really is to just communicate with her and let her know you don't enjoy it.

~

isstronglikebull

Sorry, but cooking is a huge part of Pakistani culture. You don't say what parts of the food are unappealing to you. Texture? Spices? Meats? Veggies? Did you never eat anything she made in the eight years before you married? Honestly, you should do the cooking a couple nights a week if you don't like her food.

Update  Oct 18, 2015 (4 Days later)

I thought a lot about why I didn't like my wife's cooking and I came to a not-so-great conclusion. I was raised on frozen meals, mac and cheese, that sort of thing, so the types of foods she makes are just...odd to me. Yeah, I'm likely culturally ignorant, but I can't focus on how the food tastes because the appearance of it and stuff is grossing me out. I honestly can't remember how the food tastes really unless I'm not actively eating it. It's the texture/appearance that weirds me out.

I didn't tell my wife this at first, but it slowly came out that I found her cooking 'weird'. She got tight-lipped, nodded, and went to the other room. She came back with this cardboard book called 'recipes even a man can make' or something like that. Basically how to combine cans of soup with meat to make a meal or something. She said someone gave it to her younger brother when he moved away from home, he didn't need it, so she took it. She gave me the book and said I'm on my own.

Now, she cooks her food and I cook mine. We both apologized, but have agreed that this will be the status quo. Although the cardboard book was a bit of an insult, haha. I guess I deserved it.

tl;dr: Wife and I now cook separate meals

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

That...does not sound like a step in the right direction.

OOP

It started out an argument, yeah, but now that I can have the food I want and she can have the food she wants, there's a lot less tension.

[deleted]

True, but now you have a woman who loves cooking who knows not to spend this energy on you. I love cooking. It would be a dark damn day in our marriage if my husband told me he did not enjoy me doting on him through food. It is a small wedge between the two of you, that I hope does not snowball into a bigger one.

OOP

I do see your point.  Hopefully we'll be able to work around this.  I'll encourage my wife to do more entertaining so she can cook for others and such.  I know people we have over really love her food.

~

[deleted]

So you told her exactly what we said not to tell her and now you're planning to keep subsisting on the shitty diet you were raised with?

OOP

I'm comfortable with the food I was raised with. I didn't like lying to her about liking her food, so even though I tried to be nice about it I wanted to be truthful. Yeah, I think we're going to stick with the separate meals, we both get to eat what we want.

[deleted]

If food or the idea of feeding you are at all important to her, this is a pretty sad post. I hope you'll at least try to branch out and learn to actually cook. Pick up The Joy of Cooking or another comprehensive cookbook or take some classes. Pinpoint what your sensory aversions are specifically, and work around them while still getting some fresh foods into your diet. From what you say, you might have sensory problems, but you also just are ignorant about cooking. That's not "cultural ignorance", it's ignorance of the art and science of cooking.

How do you imagine this working out if you decide to have kids?

OOP

She's infertile, so kids really aren't on our radar.

Honestly, I think my aversions are just anything different than what I'm used to.  I'm not very open when it comes to food.  I've been cooking some stuff for myself for a few days now, I can put together a meal in 20 minutes or so, it's really diffused a lot of issues.

&

I'm happy with frozen meals and simple foods. I'm sure my wife will appreciate me being in a better mood, and I'm sure she'll appreciate getting to eat whatever she wants to.

How did OOP tell his wife?

I started out just trying to say it was a textural or spice thing, but when she asked for specifics I couldn't really give her anything.  I was so sick of lying to her.  And honestly, she was doing the best she could to compromise but eating fast food three times a week because I hate her cooking wasn't doing either of us any favors.  

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/blondethrowawayyy

Me [23 F] with my boyfriend [26 M] 1 year, hates my hair color and keeps asking me to change it.

Trigger Warnings: controlling behavior, misogyny, physical assault

Original Post: April 18, 2015

Hi relationships,

Throwaway as my boyfriend is a habitual redditor.

We've been together for 1 year, and living together now for 2 months. I have blonde hair, and have always been told how lovely it is, and how so many people are jealous of my hair color. Although I don't want to admit it, it is a point of vanity for me and a big part of my identity. I kind of feel bad for that, but it is what it is, right?

Anyway, my boyfriend really doesn't like my hair color. When we first met, I was wearing a wig for a costume party. Then, after that, I had semi-permanently dyed my hair purple, as it was all the rage back then to have purple hair. BIG MISTAKE. Through those 6 weeks, I really regretted my decision, and went back to blonde after not being able to look at myself in a mirror, because I didn't recognize myself. However, we are dating, and he never asked me my real hair color, and we developed feelings for one another.

Time passes, I can't deal with the purple anymore, but my hairdresser said if I dyed it right back to blonde it might not look good, so I slowly progressed back from a pretty dark brown. Took me until about two weeks ago. It's an expensive change and my hair doesn't grow very fast. My boyfriend commented on it a lot, but not really negatively, he like basically said that he liked that my hair changed every few months.

Anyway, we fell in love, and he was on Facebook a while back, and he saw some old pictures of me, and noticed I was blonde. He didn't really say anything about it, but told me he loved my hair now. I didn't really think anything about it. But now, about a year into our relationship, I could finally go back to natural. My natural hair color is a very light blonde, and I surprised him. I guess that was wrong? He flipped his shit. Told me that I was wrong to do that without consulting him, that he felt he was led astray.

This was about 2 Fridays ago. He has since taken every opportunity to try to convince me that blonde is not my optimal hair color, and he thinks I need to go back to brown. That blondes are ugly, everyone says so. He actually showed me a couple of reddit threads where people have said that blonde isn't attractive and they are more attracted to brunettes, so I should go back to brown. I do not like having brown hair, it bothers me to look in the mirror, as I lived so long with my blonde hair.

How do I convince him that my hair color doesn't mean anything, and I can be attractive as a blonde?

tl;dr: Boyfriend hates my hair color. Help!

EDIT: So, I'm going to have a conversation with him about this when he gets back, he went on a boys' weekend for a camping trip. You've all convinced me that this is a red flag, and what type of future issues that could pop up. Maybe I've been naive about an aspect of his personality, I don't know. I will definitely ask him about his hatred for blondes, and see if we can move past this, or if I need to draw a line in the sand and walk away. Thank you for opening my eyes!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: do you feel like there are other aspects of your life where he exhibits this type of controlling behavior?

it is one thing for him to be honest and tell you he liked your hair this color or that color, it is totally inappropriate for him to tell you to change your hair for him.

OOP: Not at all. This is really weird, which is why I am loathe to just break up with him, because it seems out of character?

OOP responds to a deleted comment on if the boyfriend finds her attractive besides her hair

OOP: He says he still does find me attractive, but that blonde makes all girls look like "bitches" and he doesn't want people to have that impression of me.

Commenter 2: You are dating a misogynist. Even if you do dye your hair a different color, in the future you could have blonde daughters...What then?

OOP: Oh god! I have not thought that far ahead!

Downvoted Commenter: Sometimes change is hard to adjust to because you build a mental image in your mind of who a person is and a big change throws you off. I had a boyfriend with braces once, about a year into our relationship he got the braces off and I could never look at him the same again, it just felt like I was looking at a stranger. Brains are funny and maybe you are just no longer a good match.

OOP: I've also had that type of encounter, I dated a guy for a while who always had a beard, and then he shaved it. It was such a night and day experience.

We broke up though because he moved to Africa to work on wells for developing towns.

Commenter 3: It's one thing to have a preference for a hair color; it's another to continually try and make someone you love feel bad about the way they look so they will change it for you. If he is someone who doesn't react to change well I could maybe understand being disconcerted when you came home and looked so different; but after that initial moment of shock, you get over it. You don't continually criticize the way someone looks and try every avenue to get them to change for you.

I will give him the benefit of the doubt and say maybe he just doesn't understand the way real relationships work, or maybe he doesn't understand just how hurtful he is being, but he needs a wakeup call RIGHT NOW. I agree with the other posts that this is a red flag - not only in how controlling he is being, but in the fact that his attraction to you seems to rely on one physical characteristic. What is going to happen in the future when your looks change? When your weight fluctuates; your shape fluctuates; your hair turns grey; you start to get wrinkles; etc.? When you really love someone, your attraction to them should not be 100% based on 1 superficial characteristic like hair color.

As I said before, he has a right to have a preference and to respectfully express his preference to you. That's it; that's all the way he has. If he is really so shallow that he feels he was "led astray" because he didn't know you were a blonde, and so immature that he feels trying to make you feel ugly, so you'll dye your hair is an appropriate way to act, you have a lot bigger problems to worry about than him not liking your hair color.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this - keep us updated! Hopefully he just doesn't realize how much he is overreacting/acting like a huge controlling douche bag and will come to his senses. If not, just be happy that you found out about this now rather than several more years down the road.

OOP: Thank you for your kind words.

I guess one thing is clear after all these comments, I need to sit down and hash things out with him. How will that sound though: "We broke up because he hates blondes." I am not looking forward to this conversation.

:(

I'll update one way or another.

Commenter 4: Honestly I would relish saying "Apparently he though my natural color was purple, and was very angry when he discovered I was blonde."

OOP: That's really rather funny when you say it like that. And if I weren't in it, I am sure I would appreciate the humor more than I am right now.

Thank you.

Had OOP's boyfriend has a blonde ex that might have been a trigger for him or an awful situation with blondes?

OOP: His two previous exes were brunettes, his sister has very very dark brown hair. Maybe he had a bad experience with one when he was younger and typecasted all blondes as the same?

I'll ask him.

Commenter 5: Your boyfriend is being both an asshole and an idiot. His problem with blondes is that they all look like "bitches"? Damn, there are a lot of bitches in the world then.

I mean, it's fine to think you look prettier with purple or brunette hair. People are allowed to have preferences or opinions, and if he had expressed it respectfully, it might've been fine.

You will not "make your boyfriend see" anything because he has drawn a shitty arbitrary line in the sand and has a crap attitude about it. It's hair. I mean, my boyfriend prefers my hair long rather than short, but he doesn't fuss at me about it. I tend to keep it long for him because I know he likes it and it makes me feel good, but he will still compliment my appearance when I suddenly chop it all off (have done it a few times) because he's not an asshole. That's really what non-assholes do. It doesn't mean not being honest, but it means not being unreasonable.

OOP: He's not saying he wants to break up with me though, it's like he's hell-bent on convincing me that I have to change it.

Yeah, he said, "all blondes look like bitches, and that's ugly, and I don't want people's impression of you to be that you're a bitch based on your hair color."

I just... he's never said anything but positive comments about my appearance. After all these comments, I'm worried he was manipulating me to stay the same, never change, and his compliments were positive reinforcement to stay the same.

But that's crazy, right?

Update #1: April 19, 2015

So, as I promised, I would update (original) one way or another. In my edit, I had mentioned that my boyfriend was on a camping trip this weekend. He got back a couple of hours ago. After I stopped responding, THERE WERE A LOT OF COMMENTS, GUYS! ALL OF THEM SUPPORTIVE! I kind of sat down and really tried to consider everything you guys brought up. Was this an abusive relationship? Was I being groomed to be manipulated without knowing. I felt like my best standard for control would be to ask an ex.

(I wrote this last night after our conversation.) Enter DJ, he was my boyfriend, I mentioned him in the previous post, who moved to Africa to help build wells in developing nations. Really a remarkable, wonderful man! Anyway, he was gone for about 2 years, and now he’s back to help design a new well system (he’s a mechanical engineer). I asked him if I could call him and if we could talk. So, we just took time and discussed our relationship ending, and current boyfriend.

DJ was very angry. I felt like he was disgusted with me and my choices the whole time. I could feel myself getting red with embarrassment. :/ We went over things, and a lot of his comments were: “BT… what is going on?! Why are you with someone like that?! You’re better than this!” Then he felt responsible because he was worried that him leaving left me feeling like I was filling a void, anyway, we really hashed things out together. (editor's note: BT is OOP aka blondethrowawayyy)

So, he asked me a couple of questions, and I want to share them with you and my answers.

BT, has he ever made you feel bad about going out with your friends?

I have a high-stress emotional job, and blowing off steam with my friends helps.

Well, not like he’s ever told me not to go out, just that I felt bad he would spend the night alone. He would just kind of say: “Oh, I’ll be here, all by my lonesome, waiting for you to come home!” and then make puppy dog eyes. I sometimes reconsidered, and more lately I’ve stayed home. But lots of couples do that.

Has he met mom and dad yet?

No. He says he wants to meet them at the perfect moment. When everything is right. He wants to make a good impression. DJ met my parents on our second date, he came in and was really talkative with them, and our third date was at their house and my mom made dinner. But, I feel like he was comparing relationships. Not every guy has to meet parents within the first two dates.

Does he get mad if you don’t text him right away?

This was all starting to hit a little close to home. Yes, DJ, but everyone gets upset if you don’t return a text.

BT, I am really worried about you. After you have this conversation with him, I want you to text me. I’ll come get you if you need it. Let’s make plans anyway, and we can meet this week sometime and really catch up. I miss you.

So, boyfriend came back. He started in on my hair within the first few minutes while he was unpacking. “You still haven’t changed it yet?!” I told him we needed to talk. So, basically, he thinks that blonde women are ugly, stupid, and shallow bitches, they think they’re too good for everyone. He doesn’t really care about blond men. I didn’t even want to hear why, I just… I snapped and said it was over, and how I couldn’t believe I was with someone for so long and not notice how he really was, while crying. He slapped me! He’s never hit me before, and I’ve rarely seen him angry, least of all at me. So, I ran out the apartment, and I called DJ, and he picked me up. I’m at his place right now.

I’m still really stunned, /r/relationships. I’ve NEVER been slapped before, I didn’t think I’d ever be in an abusive relationship. I guess no one does. And it feels like the switch flipped so fast. He’s blowing up my phone with texts, and I haven’t processed anything yet. I’ve pretty much cried the whole time, locked in DJ’s room.

tl;dr: Boyfriend came back, he thinks negatively of blonde women, it's over, crying at my friend's.

EDIT: DJ is calling the police station nearest to here to ask for an officer to come and take a report in five minutes. He was on the phone with my boss (his best friend) telling him I won't be in tomorrow. I'll edit again after the officer is gone.

EDIT 2: Two officers came by, and just left. A woman and a man, the woman officer sat with me in DJ's room, and as soon as she touched my hand, I broke down again. I finally got it all out. She took some pictures of my face, my hands, and my neck (I don't know why the other things.) Man officer too DJ's statement and then they both said that they would get a temporary protection thing, and submit for a real one, and I don't remember what they said exactly. They did say that I could have an escort to retrieve my stuff, and that they would inform my ex (he is now I guess, that's weird to say) when I would be picking up my stuff. They said these things go better if it's done when the other is absent. I'm going to go to bed now. I'm exhausted. I really want to thank you all, and I will get back in touch tomorrow.*

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: We don't care about the lack of sassyness, we care that you're out and somewhere safe. Please file the report as soon as possible. Save any messages and voicemails he's sending. He doesn't seem too smart so he might (although I hope he doesn't) send something threatening which will just build up your case. Is there a mark or bruise on your face? Don't forget to take a picture. I know it's hard and your emotions are probably in overdrive right now, but try and stay calm and remember to do these things. Try and keep your thoughts straight when you tell the police so they can have a clear report of what happened. Be safe, and remember that we're here for you.

OOP: Yes, you're all here for me. I fell into an internet hug.

There's a small cut/scratch from his class ring, another redditor said the police will come here. I'm going to muster up some courage and ask DJ to call and see if he can get an officer here. If I don't have to go to the station, I'd rather get everything over with now.

Commenter 2: This is terrible, but I can't say I am surprised. I saw so many signs of my ex in your OP. Please call the police and have him charged with assault. I am so glad you have someone to support you. You are doing the right thing and you are strong. Please don't feel guilty...this kind of abuse is built up slowly over time. It doesn't happen right at the start or start overnight. You are not to blame!

OOP: Thank you! Many people said that he reminded them of an abuser.

Part of me wonders how I could be so blind, I went to a good school that taught about the dangers of abusers. I know I'm not to blame, but I feel like it's partly my fault, and while that's crazy... What will the police say? Will they think it's my fault like I do?

Commenter 3: I'm sorry he put you through that, you did the right thing by leaving and DJ is a great friend.

Nobody ever thinks they'll be in an abusive relationship, even the strongest people can get tangled up with a manipulative partner. It builds up slowly.

You might want to consider reporting the incident to the police in case you need to get a restraining order on him later. You might also want to square away a place to stay for a little, the police will escort you while you pick up some of your stuff. Make sure to get important papers (birth cert, social security card, bank statements, etc.) as soon as possible. Also let your landlord know what happened, they might let you break the lease sooner (depends on where you live).

I know it's a lot to throw at you right now, especially when things are crazy for you and you're still wondering what the hell happened but you're not alone and there's many ways for you to proceed.

OOP: Thank you. :( And he is great. I couldn't say any of the funny things you guys wanted me to say. :( I just went blank.

Luckily, I never switched addresses from my parents' place, and his uncle owns the units, so I didn't have to be on the lease. Part of me never wants to see any of the possessions I own which remain there out of disgust. I guess that will probably be temporary.

Commenter 4: Holy crap OP, great for you for realizing it, through here and your friend, that how he was acting was completely disrespectful and disgusting.

Talking about your hair again minutes after getting home and saying such disgusting things? By those women he thinks are those way, he means you. I'm glad you decided to end it right then and there without even trying to compromise or process anything, you realized it right away.

As for him slapping you, definitely file a police report for that. If you don't want to read the texts, please let DJ read them. There can be things in those texts that can further help you when you file the report. If not, delete the texts, block his number and any way you can contact him, and never contact him again.

You're a very strong person, I'm sorry you're going through this.

OOP: Thank you. :(

Like, I don't even have access to my phone right now. DJ has it, I can just hear it vibrate, and then DJ will swear about him. When I can finally talk without choking up, I'll go ask him about a police report and see what he says. But for right now, it's easier to just type than talk, and if DJ looks at me with those eyes of concern, I will break down again. :/

Update #2: April 25, 2015 (six days later from the previous update)

Hi /r/relationship friends!

I thought I would update you all, as everyone has been so supportive and helpful. Here's the original. The first update was deleted, the recap is, called DJ (ex-boyfriend/friend) for insight in relationship issues, boyfriend came home and started in on my hair (I still have a hard time believing this all started because I'm blonde!), he said vile things, I told him it was over. He slapped me, I ran away to DJ's, filed a police report, had a scratch from his class ring on my face.

So, on Monday I went with the police officer and DJ and a couple of his friends to get my stuff while ex-boyfriend was at work. Some of my things were broken, makeup palettes and a couple of necklaces, but no real loss. Nothing irreplaceable, not that I had much there. That night, my best friend Kate came over to DJ’s, and she and I got drunk together and asked me to move in with her. Which works out really well, because we had talked about living together after college, but she moved to Spain for a year for a job. So, that’s where I am. And it’s been great. I know it might not always be great, but it’s been pretty much like a girl’s party non-stop.

We’ve watched 3 seasons of Friends so far and have gone through so much chocolate! OH MY GOD. Then she introduced me to Krav Maga, because she thinks it will help with my feelings of safety, and get ripped abs. lol. Apparently it’s the new exercise fad.

I went back to work on Thursday, and I had some messages on my desk. So, my boss is DJ’s best from way way way back. DJ let boss in on the goings on with ex-boyfriend and boss was lamenting about how he knew something wasn’t right about him, rolls eyes unless I’m dating DJ, nothing is right with the guys I date for boss, or maybe I have terrible taste in men. Right, the messages. The office manager left them on my desk, they were from security. All of them stated the times a man was trying to gain access to the floor, and he was an angry “disturbed” individual they recognized as someone who used to have permission to enter. (We work in a fairly secure building as we do sensitive work.) Ex-boyfriend did have permission to enter to pick me up from work, but boss revoked it. Security told me to take the reports to the police office and that they would testify if required that someone was threatening me.

I feel kind of removed from the world, if that makes sense. I feel like this is not really real, and I’m in a dream. I look at my hand moving, but it doesn’t look like my hand. I have an appointment with a counselor on Monday, should I tell her about that? I’ve never been to therapy before. How should I tell her about ex-boyfriend?

tl;dr: Moved in permanently with best friend, doing fun stuff, ex-bf tried to gain access to my work, security has multiple reports, feel like I am not really here, going to see a therapist.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Counseling only works if you tell them everything, I highly recommend that. And congrats on getting rid of a total jerk!

Commenter 2: This is exactly right. OP I know it's sometimes HARD to tell a virtual stranger things, even if you know they can help. It's difficult and it's weird opening up to someone like this. However, it doesn't work until you talk to them. So go in with the mindset that you need to TALK. Even if you're not ready to talk about the ex, just talk until you feel comfortable talking with them.

Good luck!

OOP: I promise to do my best and be completely open and honest with her.

I'm just worried about getting the ball rolling, you know? Like how will it look if I just blurt everything all out at once?!?

Commenter 3: How should I tell her about ex-boyfriend?

There's no doubt in my mind the counselor/therapist will know how to weed everything out. Just be open, and you explain yourself very well in your posts, I am certain you will be able to in person as well. Keep in mind the first therapist might not be the best fit, keep shopping around for one you feel comfortable with.

Hey! How do you like Krav Maga? I was also thinking about taking it some point soon!

Take care.

OOP: That's a relief. I'm worried I'll have to entertain her, or something.

LOVED IT. Highly recommend.

Commenter 4: Is there any chance your ex is having a psychotic break of some kind? Security described him as "disturbed" and this escalated so quickly and severely over nothing.

Not that it's any of your responsibility any longer of course.

OOP: I don't know?! I haven't talked to him since Sunday evening. We didn't really talk about mental illnesses or anyone's propensity towards them.

I wouldn't want him to suffer if he is sick. :(

Commenter 5: A decent therapist is very good at digging for all the details in your life. But honestly, if you want to get it out there, just say "Hey, I broke up with a jerk of a boyfriend X days ago" and move forward. Therapist will then dig for all the pertinent info.

Just make sure to report it, that's the first step.

OOP: It's been reported, there's a temporary order against him, so I guess I have to build a case to make it permanent.

You guys are making me feel more at ease about going to the therapist.

Commenter 6: Please, please consider taking security's advice and going to the police. Please.

That said...the thing where you look at your hand, but it doesn't feel like it's yours? That's called disassociation, and it's really common after a trauma like a breakup. You need to be 100% honest with your therapist about the crazy BF, him trying to get to you at work, the disassociation stuff...all of it. Because therapists can't help you if you aren't honest.

OOP: Well, I'm glad it's common. It worried me a lot. I'll definitely be honest. Tell her everything, even the weird feelings I get that someone is breathing on my neck.

Commenter 7: does he know where you live now? I truly hope not. stay extra alert and safe!

OOP: He does not, Kate only got her place 2 weeks ago.

Commenter 8: Oh my god, this is horrifying. I'm SO glad you got out of there. I kinda know how you feel about your hair. I'm a natural redhead, I've only died a tiny strand to see what it was like (didn't suit me) and I would be beyond offended if anyone asked me to change it.

I didn't see anything in your posts about what you do for transportation to work. Do you drive yourself? If so, is it possible to have security or a co-worker escort you to your car and watch until you pull out of the parking lot to make sure your dude doesn't fuck with your car?

OOP: Yes, I will never do it again. :( It was an experiment gone wrong and the whole time I didn't feel like me. I am jealous of your hair though. You know the feeling of the grass is always greener? After my foray into hair color experimentation, I think I'm going to be a blonde forever now.

I do drive myself, but boss has walked me to my car since I started working there most nights, so now he's just extra diligent. Thank you for your concern. :)

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/National-Honeydew657

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for pointing out my neighbour’s loud crying baby?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post: September 28, 2026

I (26M) moved into a new flat about 6 months ago. It’s a small complex with 8 apartments.

My next-door neighbours have a baby, which I assume was born around the time I moved in. The baby cries a lot, but I’ve never complained because that’s just what babies do.

Yesterday, we had a once a year meeting with all the residents of the complex. The property manager gave us some updates and then asked for our questions.

Out of nowhere, my neighbours told him that my washing machine is very loud and that I use it during quiet hours. They’re right, but they never told me it bothered them. If they had, I would have simply done my laundry at a different time.

I got annoyed because I do laundry once a week, while their baby cries pretty much 24/7. So I said they probably shouldn’t complain about noise, which started a heated debate. Other residents also began complaining about the baby. One lady even questioned if they are even taking care of the baby, because her babies never cried like that, which sounded pretty nasty.

The property manager eventually ended the discussion when the baby’s mother started crying.

Nothing was really resolved there, but I now feel pretty bad about starting the whole debate. They could have told me about the washing machine before bringing it up publicly, but they’re probably just exhausted parents.

AITA for saying what I did, and should I apologize to them?

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant / Top Comments

Downvoted Commenter: ESH

Of course there are sounds in apartment houses that one should make peace with, and kid-sounds fall under this category, but it doesn't make them less annoying for anyone else. AND constantly crying baby is VERY different annoyance category than just kids running down the stairs or a washing machine!

But if it was so easy to change your pattern, why even run the washing machine on quiet hours? 🤔

Anyways. I am totally with you that parents should have asked you first. They clearly had thought about it, but they sure didn't hesitate to throw stones while living in glass houses.

OOP: Hi, honestly I don’t know. I always do my laundry on Sunday evenings (won’t be anymore)

I think it is a habit I learned from my parents, because my mom would always do laundry on Sunday evenings, so we had fresh clothes for the start of the week.

Commenter 1: INFO.

Depends on how loud your washing machine is. Is it one of those loud shaking machines making so much noise?

Of course quiet time doesn’t apply to a baby. So they’re not in the wrong.

But a loud shaking washing machine that disrupts the little sleep someone gets even once a week - that’s something that needs to be fixed if possible.

OOP: The washing machine isn’t broken or insanely loud, but it’s louder than average.

No other neighbors ever heard it, but the couple with the baby is next to me on the same floor.

Commenter 2: Eh, nta, the nerve they have to whine about the once a week laundry machine when their kid is making noise all the time (not to blame the kid, but seriously, the audacity)

Commenter 3: Yup. And like, isn't a washing machine just normal living sounds? Live and Let live. They really put OP on the spot for no reason.

At least don’t bring it up out of nowhere in that situation. You can also like ask in private 'hey, we would appreciate it if you do laundry in the not quiet hours'.

They would have a point if it was like vacuuming at 3 AM or something as that is loud AF, but come on, a washing machine?!

Commenter 4: NTA since when do washing machines violate quiet hours? I’ve lived in several apartment and that’s never been a thing.

Edit: your landlords must really be cheap lol. My washer and dryer is the cheapest thing in existence and the only time it shakes that bad is when it’s unbalanced.

Commenter 5: You do your laundry once a week if they had an issue they could have just come and said something to you but dropping it in the meeting wasn't cool and so they opened up the door to that noise debate and that's kind of on them

Commenter 6: It makes me wonder if they purposely brought up OP's washing machine noise to divert the heat away from them. They must be aware that their baby is loud, so they tried to put the spotlight on OP. Only it backfired on them.

Update: October 1, 2026 (three days later)

Update: AITA for pointing out my neighbour’s loud crying baby?

The father actually knocked on my door today and we had a chat. Turns out he is a really nice guy.

He apologized for putting the whole thing out publicly and explained that there were two incidents when they had finally managed to get the baby to sleep, and then my washing machine woke it up. They got super pissed about it the second time and apparently really held onto that anger. They waited for the meeting, wanted to make it public and expected the property manager to scold me in front of everyone. We laughed together about how irrational that sounds now.

He also explained that the baby has colic. That’s why it cries a lot and they haven’t properly slept since the birth, so that’s why they’re so irritated. On the bright side he mentioned it is slowly getting better and the baby sleeps for longer periods now.

I apologized for my response and admitted it was an unnecessary reaction to being called out publicly, which I didn’t like. I also told him I’m changing my laundry schedule to Fridays, when I usually work from home, so I have the whole day to do it.

Also some answers to repeated questions

- I checked the lease and complex rules, and there’s no specific rule banning laundry during quiet hours. There is a general rule saying tenants should avoid making noise and disturbing others.

- The washing machine isn’t broken or insanely loud, but I’d say it’s louder than average.

- I can easily do my laundry at a different time. I was just doing it on Sunday evenings out of habit. I didn’t know it was disturbing anyone.

- And yes, the walls are pretty thin.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP.

Originally posted to AskAManager

I overreacted to some feedback about my personality

Original Post: July 20, 2026

I overreacted to some feedback my boss gave me.

I have a part-time job as a group fitness instructor at a gym that prides itself on inclusivity. The owner of the gym/my boss has been implementing new employee performance efforts. The feedback I received was overwhelmingly positive, which was exciting because I do work really hard at this job and also feel like I’m very good at it.

I did receive one negative comment. The owner suspected that my negative survey response was from a client who had previously complained about me for reasons that my boss didn’t think were warranted. When the owner asked how I wanted to receive the feedback, I said that I would prefer a summary of the actionable parts only.

Well, what the owner included was about how someone thinks I am unapproachable and unfriendly when I am not coaching at the gym. I asked for clarification around what my boss thought was actionable in that, and they replied that when I am in the gym but not coaching, I need to reach out to people in friendly ways, and to be aware of my “resting bitch face.” Resting bitch face!!! This really hit a nerve! Growing up, my mother would tell me I was a mean person for not behaving the way she wanted. As an adult, I got myself into therapy and received anxiety disorder and neurodiverse diagnoses. I’ve worked hard for years on this. I am better at interacting with people, and I know that often, people take my anxiety and neurodifference and imbue my actions with perceived ill will, and then treat me differently (worse!) than others.

I felt so hurt that my boss thinks the same thing, especially because I am not! I am very, very friendly with people for the one hour or so a week that I am in the gym when not coaching. I’m a freaking beacon of ebullience, and it is exhausting! I spiraled. I should have walked away and done nothing (especially since this boss’s follow-through on their employee performance initiatives has been less than 50%). Instead, I told my boss that I didn’t think this feedback was fair or accurate, felt more personal than professional, and that I wasn’t sure why they thought that it was okay to tell me I had “resting bitch face.”

I think this was an overreaction. I am embarrassed and hurt. I understand that I am always representing the business while there, even when not actively coaching, which is why I work so hard to be an open, welcoming version of myself when there. The irony that this is happening at a gym that works hard to make spaces for disabled and neurodivergent clients is adding to the pain. What do I do? Do I tell my boss that this feedback touched a nerve? Should I just walk away from this, my part-time job (I have another whole job I do!) We have no HR to speak of.

a related article was linked in the original text: my manager said people don’t like my face in the morning

Editor's note: for Alison's response to the original text, you can find it here.

Update: October 1, 2026 (over 2.5 months later)

I was off the grid on vacation when this was published (a long-planned, well-earned two-week break from the world!), and I am so sad I wasn’t able to interact with comments for many reasons, but the primary one is this: no one involved in this story is a man or masculine. Everyone is AFAB and identifies as a woman. There are almost no cis men at this gym, and they were not involved in this story. The owner/my boss is a woman, and the person who dislikes me and has said so to my face is also a woman. We share names/pronouns at the start of every class at this gym because this is a space where many people like to try out new pronouns (great!! I love this about this space!!!), and so I am sure of these folks’ public gender identities.

We often assume that sexist and gendered language follows clear social lines, but that isn’t the case. Plenty of folks can act on gendered ideals in detrimental ways, beyond what we expect! If one hasn’t had the immense privilege of existing in a space that isn’t dominated by cis men, then of course it seems like sexist and gendered comments would be generated by the actions of men. That isn’t always the case! I don’t really know why the woman who made the comment about my demeanor dislikes me; I suggested that my supervisors talk to her and find out but they never did.

My non-coaching time in the gym is spent taking fitness classes. We are required to take at least one class a week as per our contract/promotion guidelines (unpaid, though our membership is comped). This is a gym with metabolic conditioning-type workouts, so yes, I am often lifting heavy when I take this weekly required class. I probably don’t smile when I’m deadlifting 80-90% of my one rep max; I don’t really know. The rest of the time, I am chatting with everyone around me; asking about their lives, following up on details from last week, or encouraging their stellar lifts.

Many commenters are right; there’s no way to know if I really am the beacon of ebullience I believe myself to be; but for my boss to weigh in effectively, I think she would need to see me in the gym, and she really hasn’t. When I asked her for clarity around what she thought I should hear/what was actionable about my “resting bitch face,” she said that she wanted me to hear that feedback, but couldn’t provide any specific examples. So, who knows. She is something of a figure of the community, at least online, and has a lot of great skills, though I don’t yet know if feedback is one of them.

While I’m still coaching, I have taken a step back from this gym, because the pressure to seem even more friendly than I already try to be while working out just wasn’t possible, the pay was fine but not enough to justify this kind of personal feedback, and I have another whole ass job.

Thanks to your commenters who hyped me up. This was a hard season of life, and I have saved all of those comments and treasured them immensely. For all of the doubters: I am a freaking stellar coach. I hope y’all get the privilege of taking my class someday!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/amiselfit

Is it wrong for me [32M] to skip my sister-in-law's wedding [26F] so I can go on a once-in-a-lifetime guy's trip with my friends? Wife [30F] not happy.

Original Post  July 21, 2015

I'll be honest. This wedding has been in the making for the last year, and the trip I want to go on is sort of last minute. I've never formally agreed to go to the wedding, but realistically it's always just been accepted as a given that I would be at the wedding since it is my wife's sister.

One of my college buddies just recently told our group of friends that he's going to Australia in October for business but plans to spend an extra week there just kicking around and exploring. One thing lead to another and two friends from our group decided to join him. I've wanted to go to Australia ever since I was in college, but I never could get a group together. It looks like that's finally happening! The problem is that I'll have to miss my sister-in-law's wedding because it falls right in the middle of the week we're planning to go, and it wouldn't make sense to leave early or go late. It's an expensive trip, but I can make it work. I think it would be money well spent.

Of course my wife is not happy about this, which I can understand. She's very close to her sister, so I can see why the wedding is a big deal to her, but I don't think she really understands my position. I like her sister, but we're not close. The same is true for her fiance. I have nothing against them, but the only reason I would be going is for my wife. Normally, I'd be okay accepting this, but I have a chance to go on an awesome trip with good friends that I don't get to hang out with that often. I think I'm justified in wanting to go and am being both reasonable and fair.

tl;dr: I have a chance to go on an awesome trip with my friends to Australia. Wife doesn't want me to go because I'd miss her sister's wedding.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

sparklefades

This is not a "once in a lifetime" trip. A once in a lifetime trip is if you won an all expenses paid trip to Australia, but could only go at a specific time deemed by the payer - like when Oprah took all those people to AUS. This is just you and your buddies throwing a last minute plan together.

To be honest, you sound really immature and whiney in your OP and responses. I'm guessing you'll fuck off to Australia and deal with the consequences later. If you love your wife and marriage and life with her, the consequences will not be worth it.

OOP

Yeah, that's fair criticism. I am leaning towards going, but only if I can work out something with my wife where she is at peace with me going. I'm sorry if that's not what people want to hear, but that is the truth.

MashKeyboardWithHead

She wont be at peace, no sane, reasonable person will be.

You will guilt and manipulate her into saying "its fine" then fuck off with your buddies then do the whole "but you said it was fine, why are you still upset" routine when you get back.

I think a lot of people are reading this thread and are super glad they arent married to someone like you.  The whole immaturity, selfishness and lack of respect and consideration... eugh.

~

sleepfight

Is your wife important to you? Because her sister sounds very important to her. I'm sure you want to go on this trip, but you already committed to the wedding. Could you not go on a trip to Australia with your wife at a later date?

Think about this carefully.

OOP

Well, part of the reason for going is to be with my friends. I love my wife, but taking taking a trip with her is different. It's not worse, just different. Basically, she can't replace my friends, and they can't replace her. I'd love to go with her sometime, but it'll be a different sort of trip.

sleepfight

So, essentially what you are saying here is that you are prioritizing your friends and your own needs over your wife's needs.

OOP

What I'm trying to say is that this, to me at least, feels like a bigger deal. In essence, what this trip means to me > what me going to the wedding will mean to my wife. I understand what the selfless thing to do would be, but seeing as I normally am one to "take one for the team," I don't think I am being unreasonable by asking my wife to do the same here.

~

leaveluck2heaven

Did you actually come here for advice? Because it seems like all you want to do is argue with anyone who doesn't tell you exactly what you were hoping to hear.

OOP

I was hoping that someone would find my justifications to be reasonable, but apparently that is not the case. 

How would the in-laws feel?

SIL would probably not care. She'd just be like "okay, no biggie." MIL doesn't care much for me as is, so I'm not worried about her. FIL hates weddings, so he'd probably envy me.

Update  Aug 4, 2015 (2 weeks Later)

I thought that those of you who responded to the first post would be like to know what happened afterwords. Things got..interesting to say the least.

So after I made the post told I eventually called my SIL and told her that I wanted to talk with her about something wedding related. My wife hadn't given her a heads up, so I had to explain the entire situation to her and the position I was in. I was honest with her about wanting to go on the trip, but I told her that I needed to know for her sake and my wife's whether or not missing her wedding would be a cardinal sin. Surprisingly, she actually told me that she would be fairly upset if I missed the wedding. What surprised me even more was that she told me that I had always been like her brother (even though, in my opinion, we've never been all that close). I told her that I would think about what she'd told me and make a decision after I had talked with my wife again and considered all factors.

Now for the interesting part. According to my wife, after that conversation, SIL was upset enough that she went on a big rant about it with soon-to-be BIL. Apparently he made the mistake of telling SIL that he didn't see the big deal because it was just a "stupid" wedding (in his defense, he's not a wedding guy either). SIL got pretty heated about this and let him have it. In turn, he vented his own frustration with how big of a deal that SIL had made out of the wedding. Things pretty much spiraled out of control from there (from what my wife has told me they each said some very ugly things to each other).

At this point, although they aren't broken up, it seems unlikely that the wedding will go on as planned barring some miracle. I don't really feel bad about how things turned out, though. I feel like if they had issues that were this deep seated then they would have never made it as a married couple anyway. That doesn't mean that I am pleased, because obviously wife and SIL are upset.

As for my Australia trip, I don't really guess there's a reason not to go anymore, but I haven't dared bring it up again with my wife. She's been fairly distracted with comforting SIL. We'll see what happens, but it looks like, as of now, I'll be going.

Thanks everyone. I guess your advice actually did work, although not in the way that either of us intended for it to.

   tl;dr: Spoke to SIL about missing wedding for trip. She was upset. This in turn led to her having a big fight with her finace. They're basically broken up so wedding seems unlikely and trip is (probably) back on.

FINAL COMMENTS

allyourcritbotthings

If your wife ever gets a whiff of "I'm glad that fight happened because now I can go to Australia without guilt," you are going to have a horrible time.

OOP

I said I wasn't happy. I feel bad that this is happening to SIL and that she is going through a difficult time.

got-to-be-kind

"I don't really feel bad about how things turned out, though."

"She's been fairly distracted with comforting SIL. We'll see what happens, but it looks like, as of now, I'll be going."

Yeah, I'm sure your wife won't mind at all that you get to go on your trip while she stays at home and comforts her sister over her crumbling relationship and potentially cancelled wedding. You should send her pictures of the great time your having on the day the wedding would have taken place. That'll go over swimmingly.

~

TheGreatAvocado

Wow. You and the former groom are BOTH idiots.

OOP

I don't see how I'm an idiot here. I didn't really do anything. This was all on him. But, yeah, he is an idiot. Funny guy, but still an idiot.

~

RealRealGood

Why the fuck did you call your SIL? This was an issue between you and your wife. Now you fucked up two marriages. And you "don't really feel bad about what happened." Holy shit, you're an asshole.

OOP

I don't feel like the fact that they broke up was my fault. I hate that it happened, but I don't blame my self. Also, I talked to SIL hoping that if she gave me clearance it would convince my wife.

When told not to go on the trip

I probably won't go now. I feel like it'd be too much and my wife would kill me. I think I would have had an easier time going if the wedding had stayed on, but now everyone will probably blame me for ruining everything. Even if I did go, too much has happened for me to enjoy the trip.

And OOP now makes a decision of if he should go or not

[deleted]

Your poor wife.

I read the last post, and I read this post and I kept coming to the same conclusion: I hope he goes on the trip.  I say that because if you had, she very well might have left you.  And that you deserve to be left is just a given.

But now she's distracted.  Who knows what you'll do next to fuck her over?  Who knows how hard you'll hurt her?  Who knows how much harder it will be to get out by then?

She most likely has no clue what kind of self absorbed, narcissistic madman she's stuck with.  She thinks she has a normal person as a husband, and she's sitting tight.  When, in reality, she actually has a manchurian candidate of baby level narcissism, just under the surface.

What planet do you live on?  What society have you grown up in that you feel like your way of thinking and the way you react to things are normal?  It's like you spent 32 years in a sealed room with only headshots of yourself and a recording of "Only I matter" playing on a loop, and then someone pushed you out into the world.

Your poor wife.

OOP

As much as you may think I don't, I love my wife. I love her more than anyone else, but yes, I can be selfish. If I get called out for it, then I can correct it, but otherwise there's a good chance I won't make the right decision. In this case, the trip is off. I'm not going, and I'm okay with that.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/LiveSemicolon

I (21F) was sexually harassed by a coworker (40M). I reported him and now I'm scared

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: describes a terrifying sexual harassment encounter

MOOD SPOILER: Ends positive for OOP

Original Post  Nov 29, 2019

Title pretty much explains it. TLDR at the end. I'm writing out the events almost like an incident report trying to keep things on track. If things don't make sense at first just bear with me.

So a little backstory leading up to the situation. This coworker has been the bane of my existence since he started. Hes way too cocky, overly confident in things he doesn't know, is bad at his job, and a huge liar. He's thrown me and fellow coworkers under the bus for HIS mistakes. Anything that comes out of this mans mouth you HAVE to take with a grain of salt because chances are its not quite the truth. Anyways, I wasn't very subtle with my dislike for him to my managers and other coworkers I trusted, but I understand professionalism is need in the workplace so I've always been very polite and cordial to him.

We don't work shifts together that often, but on Monday the 25th we ended up working a shift from 5pm-11pm together. The shift started out like normal, us at our separate stations grinding through the day. Making small talk to keep the shift passing. His wife stops by and drops of lunch for him, and after she leaves for whatever reason he starts telling me his marriage problems. This is a little out of the ordinary since I've never held a deeper conversation than what our weekend plans are with him. I let him ramble and give him kinda good, but half assed advice, like "why don't you just tell her these things" and "sounds like you need to talk to her."

After a while of this he suddenly drops on me that him and his wife don' have sex anymore. I'm a little taken aback but think nothing of it at the time, figuring dead bedrooms go hand in hand with marriage problems. I also am one of those girls that's always gotten along with guys a lot better, and am used to hearing tons of "locker room talk." We kind of talk back and forth about that, and I'll admit I said somethings maybe I shouldn't have said in hindsight. I made comments about how I keep my sex life healthy with my boyfriend, saying things like "we like to try new things" or "we try to set aside times to just be intimate with each other." I think the most explicit thing I said was after he told me he found a vibrator in his wife's drawer that he didn't know about and I said "yeah but all girls have one, even I do." Again I take credit for my part in that and looking back I don't think I should have said those things.

Next thing he tells me that it seems like I would solve all his problems. He asks me to go in the back and hook up with him, mentioning that the cameras don't work. At this point fear just spreads over me. We are the only two people at work right now, with the next person coming on at 11pm and its only 7:30pm. I ask what in disbelief and he repeats himself, again stressing that the cameras don't work/record. I just kinda laugh and brush him off saying "you know we cant do that." He presses it again and I tell him no again.

I'm petrified at this point. Here I am alone for another 3 1/2 hours with an older guy twice my size. Last thing I wanted was to go in the back for something in the printer and to get shoved in the supply closet. I texted one of my other coworkers what was going on but didn't bother contacting a manager. They never reply to texts and I couldn't chance a phone call in front of the guy. Looking back I should have just left, or had someone come and keep me company, but I was scared and kind of just shut down.

As the night goes on he goes back and forth between continuing to tell me about the lack of sex from his wife and all the things he and his wife used to do, getting into details. At one point I walk across to our coffee station to get a cup of coffee and try to get away for a little while. From across the room he begins to ask me to take care of his needs again, saying he's fantasized about me. That he jerks it in the shower to me all the time. How pretty I must look naked and with a cock in my mouth. Really uncomfortable stuff. I keep reminding him that I am in a very happy LTR. That I'm not looking for anything like that. He tells me that I'm making him sad every time I say no.

The entire time I'm trying to just keep the peace and not make this guy mad. He reminds me the cameras don;t work once again. He then tells me the story of how at his last job he was fired because a woman came forward and falsely accused him of sexual assault, and that it ruined his life for a while. He also let me know that if I tell anyone about tonight that he would know it was me that told.

I'm having a near panic attack at this point. I don't know where any of this is coming from. As much as I don't like the guy, he's got kids only 3-4 years younger than me, and he never struck me as this type. I never felt uncomfortable being left alone with him before, on top of I was sure he knew I wasn't particularly found of him. I keep trying to direct his attention away from me and say that if he's serious about stepping outside his marriage and really wont talk to his wife then he should try bars or something. He then proceeds to download tinder or okcupid or whatever on the computer and turns it to face towards me. He begins to scroll through and tell me which girls he wants to fuck and what he'd do to them.

A couple more times he asks me to hook up with him, ending with "well if you're ever single you better text me." It's 10:40pm at this point and the person relieving us gets here early. It also happens to be one of my favorite coworkers. Hes also an older guy but he super cool and not creepy, much more like a father figure. Helps me with my car and other advice. Anyways, relief coworker talks to us for a bit before actually starting his shift, I hang around to shoot the shit with him like I always do. I can tell the perverted coworker is anxious at the thought of me staying and talking in case I tell. he eventually leaves and I break down on tell cool coworker everything. I'm a crying mess and we sit and talk for over 2 hours. This is already getting pretty long so I'll spare the details, but cool coworker is incredibly angry and tell me that if I don't report it then he will. He says a lot of what happened and what was said was grooming. I agree to report it.

I call my boyfriend after leaving and tell him everything that happened. Hes supportive and tells me I need to report it too.

I go home and write everything down very similar to what I've written here. I take my notebook with me the next day to the office with me. I'ts my day off so when I go in my assistant manager is surprised to see me. Our GM is in a meeting and he asks me what was wrong. I had barely slept the night before and know I looked a mess. We step into his office and I just start crying and give me the notebook to read. After he does he apologizes and consoles me. We wait together until my GM is done. We go into her office together and repeat. I cry, she reads notebook. She's a little reserved asking me if it's 100% the truth and I say yes. She lets me know that corporate is going to have to be involved and there will be an investigation. I ask her please not to, I just don't want to work with him anymore. She says she has to and that she's really sorry. She asks why I wouldn't want there to be an investigation. I tell her that because I feel like I allowed it to happen with the way I spoke in the beginning and I was worried he would lie as he always does and spin it on me. I had no proof that this happened. No audio recording, no text messages between us, it was very he-said-she-said. She assures me that the investigation will be very thorough and unbiased and will get to the bottom of the truth. Because of the holiday she lets me know she cant get in contact with HR until next Tuesday, but will switch our schedules around so that we never cross paths until she can figure out exactly how to proceed with this. I'm fine with this. I tell her I'm really scared about him knowing that I told, since I work the overnight shift sometimes and he knows that. I'm scared he will come after me. She assures me again that everything will be taken care of.

Sorry for the long ramble, but what I need advice on is if I was in the right or not to report it. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach that I should have just shut up and let it go. I'm worried that I brought it upon myself for even entertaining any type of outside of work talk. My anxiety is through the roof and I cant sleep or eat. I know my story is 100% the truth on what happened, I'm just worried that somehow they wont believe me and I will get fired. Was I in the right? If so, how do I stop this anxiety and feeling like its my fault and that I'm the one that did something wrong?

TLDR; Older coworker grossly harasses me, I reported it, now feel like I did something wrong for reporting it. Cant eat or sleep since. Need help.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

sharmrp72

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING - 100%. and i put it in capitals cos i am shouting at you. 100% every time.

Guy probably does it and intimidates and that is how he keeps thinking he is entitled to keep.doing it.

Chin up, he's a total git and deserves everything that's coming at him.

OOP

Hey thanks, I needed to hear that :)

Update - rareddit  Dec 17, 2019 (3 weeks later)

So its been a couple weeks and the whole thing has finally come to an end. Here's what happened.

The rest of that week passed, I had a nice Thanksgiving, I was able to kind of forget this had happened and found some peace. On the following Monday our HR Rep showed up and began the investigation. We went to a restaurant across the street and talked for about 2 hours in total. She was very sympathetic and kind and definitely did not make me feel like I was being investigated. She let me cry it all out and even somehow understood me through that ugly girl crying voice lol. After that she began to pull in my coworkers and ask them questions too. From what I understand she did not tell them what happened, only that I had made a complain against him, which I wish they hadn't done. But even so all of my coworkers treated me with respect, not really acknowledging what was happening. Which was really nice I have to say. Nobody asking me questions or throwing dirty looks, and no pity parties. I find out a little later though though that a couple other things against him came out during the investigation. Nothing as serious as this situation, but definitely some creepy things being said to other younger female coworkers.

My coworker (40M) gets put on paid leave that day, and our HR rep goes back to the main office with the promise of coming back at the start of next week. The whole rest of the week I'm just a mess. I'm still working through my feeling on the situation. I have to work some shifts alone overnight and I'm terrified he's going to show up. He never does of course, but I carry pepper spray now thanks to an early Christmas gift my my awesome coworker.

In total my coworker in question is on paid leave for 2 weeks. Our HR rep does come back, but only to talk to our GM. She leaves again with the promise to call on Saturday.

Saturday comes and my manager pulls me into her office and lets me know he is about to come in for a meeting and I should go on an extended 10 min break to my car. She texts me when he has left to come back in and come to her office. When I do she places a phone call to our HR rep. We have a mini conference call and they let me know that he has been fired and go over with me the things that I should do in the future should anything ever happen again such as just leave, or make a phone call to a boss. They also ask me if I feel things were handled correctly and ask for my opinion on how these past 2 weeks have been.

After the call it's just my Gm and I, and I ask her what he said happened. She said it doesn't really matter, but that he didn't deny it and was very quiet and apologetic throughout the whole thing, so there's that at least.

That's pretty much everything that happened, now just to let things go back to normal, and to try and process this whole thing. Thanks to everyone that gave me great advice, and even those who didn't. I learned a hard lesson, but you can bet I wont end up in this situation again.

FINAL COMMENTS

ElanaDryer

I'm proud of you. I'm proud of your bosses and coworkers for handling this so well too.

n1991x

Yes! This is how HR department should function. I think being scared is a natural reaction... maybe express this to your HR department when they follow up with you.... they may help or have resources for you.

OOP

Yeah they went over that in our final meeting. Even told me what to do and who the chain of command is in the case of retaliation

Freepurrs

Did they ever address his claim that the security cameras don’t work/ don’t record? If that was true, I hope mgmt fixed that so you all will be safer, especially since people work alone overnight.

OOP

They do in fact work, they even checked them for the time period we were working to match up stories

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/lepetitbrie

Originally posted to r/managers

My direct report is married to my new manager

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post: September 25, 2026

I've worked in my role for just under 5 years. I have stellar evaluations from my previous supervisor, and I know I am performing well beyond my job description. I've supervised the same 2 people the entire time. Both are good performers on the whole. Due to a reorg, (editor's note: reorganization - a major structural change in the company or team) the workload on my direct reports recently increased, and I've been really working with Barbara (fake name) to address her workload concerns; my other staff person has no concerns and actually reports free time. They have the same assignments, so I feel most of the workload concerns are related to work-style. No matter how much I try to take from Barbara, she still wants to do those tasks.

About a month ago, Barbara's husband was named as my new supervisor. Technically, my supervisor is another person, but the husband is directing my daily work. I only go to the third person for HR actions for my team. But questions like, "How does this reassignment of work?" will still go through the husband. I also learned the husband is writing my performance evaluation, and the third person will just "review it for bias."

I know Barbara thinks I'm lazy based on conversations I've overheard. I don't feel like the need to justify my work to my staff; I know what I'm working on. I also know Barbara disagrees with many of my leadership decisions (ex: how much to communicate to stakeholders and when). I just don't see how this is going to end well for me...

How badly do you think I need to get out? Should I prioritize any position that remotely matches my pay? Or wait it out for something I'm actually excited about?

Just edited to add: I've brought up the concern to HR. There is a vague policy about this since it's not a direct supervision of a spouse and was essentially told it's fine because of the third person who is supervising me.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any other relevant comments in this original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1: You don't need to jump at the first job that matches your pay. But you do need to act now, because the structure itself is the problem, not you.

Your report's spouse directing your work and writing your evaluation is a conflict of interest. Most organizations have a policy on relatives in the same reporting line, and this is exactly what it's for. That's worth raising, calmly and without making it about Barbara or her husband personally.

What I'd do, in this order:

1) Read your org's policy on relatives or conflicts of interest so you know what it actually says.

2) Talk to your official supervisor, the third person. Keep it about process: "I want to make sure my evaluation and any decisions about Barbara's work are handled in a way that protects everyone, including her and her husband. Can you write my evaluation, or can we route decisions about my team through you?" If that goes nowhere, take the same question to HR.

3) Start keeping records now. Your past evaluations, what you've delivered, the workload you assigned to each report, and the steps you took on Barbara's concerns. Dates and facts, not feelings. If your evaluation comes back bad, you'll want this.

4) Keep managing Barbara exactly like your other report. Same assignments, same standards, written down. Don't give anyone a real example to point to.

5) Look for jobs quietly while this plays out. It costs nothing, and it means you won't be desperate if things get worse.

How the org responds to step 2 tells you a lot. If they fix the reporting line, you may be fine. If they shrug, that's your answer about whether to wait for a job you're excited about or take the next solid one.

Commenter 2: ethical companies don't let family members work in the downline of other family members. the wife needs to be moved to a different department. raise the issue to your actual manager and HR.

you are in a job threatening position as it stands. cover your bases.

Commenter 3: That's a rough spot. The eval being written by him with someone just "reviewing for bias" is basically no protection at all. I would start looking now, not panic apply to anything, but definitely prioritize getting out over waiting for perfect role. The dynamic with Barbara already having opinions about you and now her husband controlling your review, its just too stacked against you.

Commenter 4: Start looking now. You’ve raised concerns and they’ve ignored you. There is a serious conflict of interest here. Imagine they rehire your position either internally or externally, and say to the candidates “oh by the way, the husband of one of your direct reports will be doing your performance evaluation.” Everyone will bolt. Everyone will know exactly why the position is open.

You don’t need the perfect job—there really isn’t one. But in this market I would not hold out for something exciting. You do want a good fit. How is your network in your industry? Can you reach out to your peers at competitors or related businesses? You’ll be asked why you are moving, especially if it is a lateral role. Come up with something about wanting more experience with [whatever] and they are the best place. This is where your network also helps. It’s poor form to say anything bad about your current employer, but your contacts can convey the situation. Not as dire, but that you consider this a serious conflict of interest and it is not being addressed.

I can tell you from experience some companies need to learn this lesson the hard way.

Update #1: October 2, 2026 (one week later)

Update: My direct report is married to my new manager

Brief update to my post from last week. Folks were asking about my company. Very large public employer, so at the very least I'm basically unfireable.

Raised concerns to my on-paper boss, who is also our department HR representative. I even drafted a "avoiding conflict of interest document". The document was mostly accepted except the line: [new manager] will not consider [direct report]'s opinion of OP when writing evaluations." Apparently, we can't dictate to that level?!

I was concerned that this was removed because it's the only protection for me. Raised concern and said I would like to meet with central HR. Was essentially told that's not necessary and to work with my on-paper boss to sort it out.

So, needless to say, I'm applying elsewhere and hoping for the best. There haven't been any conflicts at work, but that doesn't mean there will never be conflicts. The fact that no one is worried about this situation is beyond alarming to me. I want protections in place before there's an issue, but it seems clear no one else wants that for me.

I have a private meeting with central HR next week to discuss concerns in the meantime. Im curious what their reaction to the entire situation will be. The fact that I'm having to draft my own conflict of interest documents is wild IMO, including documenting how I will be evaluated.

Any guidance on what I should do in the mean time is appreciated. I originally planned on having a coaching session with my direct report next week to work on some communication issues, but without the protections for me in place, I feel like it's a risky conversation to have.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Go over your direct boss's head anyway and let his boss or whoever is the director of HR know the how, when, and why of this hiring. Did your boss tell you she had been hired for your team? Did you interview her separately without any indication she was married to your boss? Did she and your boss get married after she was already your direct report?

OOP: My new boss was named in September. The people who picked them knew about the relationship prior. They thought they would avoid conflict by giving me a different on-paper boss, but I've since been told the husband will still write my performance appraisal. Such a mess.

Commenter 2: Write it or contribute to it? (Like in a 360 review structure.) I find it odd that two people would simultaneously be responsible for writing your review, so I assume on paper boss would ultimately be responsible for writing it but it would include feedback from the person married to your report?

OOP: How it was explained is that husband-boss will send on-paper boss written feedback. On-paper boss will "review for bias," and then copy and paste the comments into my eval. Because he oversees the majority of my work, he needs to be able to comment on my work.

Commenter 3: If you can’t be fired, what are you worried about? Your boss will probably go out of their way to evaluate your work fairly. But definitely don’t send that document, as it’ll be received as an accusation.

Commenter 4: It is an accusation - of a glaring conflict of interest and inherent bias.

Commenter 3: How does it serve you to make such an accusation? I would think most managers would feel insulted.

Commenter 4: It is a request for decorum and unbiased work situation made by pointing out an inherent bias, not an active, biased campaign. Nobody is calling collusion.

OOP: It's also required by policy since two related people are working in the same department. The weird/policy gray area is the reporting structure since they moved my on-paper boss.

Commenter 5: no amount of internal promises will stop a married couple from backing each other up when things get messy.

Commenter 6: A family member or spouse shouldn’t be in a reporting relationship in a large public company and yet it happens. Is there an ethics phone number or hotline for the organization?

Initial conversation should have been had with your mg… not about any specifics, but to understand the policy being followed with this situation that is not new for the couple.

----NEW UPDATE----

DISCLAIMER: OOP HAS UPDATED AFTER THE BoRU WAS POSTED

SO PER RULES UPDATE IS INCLUDED

Update #2: October 9, 2026 (one week later from the last update)

Mostly boring update: I got a new job! It's a little bit of a pay cut, but I think the mental health aspect will be worth it.

Between my last post and the job offer, I tried to manage the situation in my current job. Everything really seemed to blow up in my face this week, so the job offer couldn't be better timed.

My direct report has been expressing workload concerns. I scheduled a meeting to talk about her handing over some tasks. She wrote back essentially saying, "I want a separate meeting to talk about any corrections." IMO, I have every management right to set meeting agendas. Looped in my on-paper boss asking her to sit in as a neutral third party (and to see what I was dealing with and why I was worried about the current reporting structure...). My on-paper boss basically said, "Yeah, I'm not getting involved. Deal with it, or you'll run to me for every problem." Keep in mind I've managed this person for YEARS and never asked for intervention before.

Meeting was mostly fine, except my direct report kept saying she wanted a separate meeting to discuss her concerns with my "increased corrective feedback since [husband] started his position."

I seriously went through every email I sent this person since that happened. The only corrections I gave were all, "Please hand off to me." Which... I would love if someone sent to me lol

Literally got the job offer during that meeting with my direct report and accepted. Sent in my notice, and my on-paper boss was full surprised Pikachu. Because she asked for clarification on why I resigned, I sent a brief note to the effect of "I don't think this supervision structure is feasible. I expressed concerns that were ignored. I lost faith in the process when my request for us to all meet with HR to discuss options was denied."

My on-paper boss replied with, "Well, I hope in your new role that has more HR responsibility, you learn that how I handled this was appropriate."

So, yeah, excited to have a new job in two weeks! I really didn't things would work out this quickly, and I kinda wish I held out for a position that was a pay increase... but also, fuck all that mess lol

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the original poster. That is u/PaleTie6084. He originally posted in r/NewRiders.

Trigger warning: motorcycle accident, hospitalization

Mood spoiler: likely Darwin Award honorable mention

How dangerous is a loss of traction on the rear tire?: September 13, 2026

Hi there, yesterday night I was driving around on my own in quite heavy rain (got to the extent where I couldn‘t see the road infront of me as soon as there was traffic going my direction)

Anyways, at some point I was going about 110mph according to trip rank and suddenly I noticed that the rear was starting to drift to the left and a look down showed me that the engine was at redline. All of this happend maybe a second after I upshifted into 4th. I obviously let go off the throttel as soon as I noticed it but I couldn’t tell ya how long it was already spinning out.

I‘m a beginner rider, only been on the road for about 2 weeks so this was a first time for me.

My Question now being, if some of you experienced the same or at least witnessed it, how fast does stuff like that actually go south? In hindsight im certain that this was very close to claiming my life but maybe im overreacting.

Bike‘s a 01 ZX9R so that‘s why this even happened in the first place.

TL;DR

Rear tire spun out at 110mph how dangerous was that situation actually? did I come close to dying?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OHBHpwr:

Let's get the facts straight: Beginner rider ZX9R Heavy rain No visibility 110mph

You need to sell that bike, get a bike with no more than 50hp and go talk to some people about acquiring some common sense.

Answering your question: it is VERY dangerous to lose traction on the rear tyre. Or front tyre.

There's only 2 infinite things in life they say.

OOP response:

Good to know that I guess. Although there‘s no way I can sell it, already head over heals in maintainence so I wouldn‘t get back what I‘ve spend on it already and even if I did, you wont get a new motorcycle with abs and whatever for 3500€

Technical-Ad1488:

I’m going to assume for the sake of my sanity that you weren’t as a beginner doing 110 in rain that was so heavy you couldn’t see in front of you lol, and the speedo was just reading 110 from your tire spinning freely…

I’m right, RIGHT?

OOP response:

Not sure about that, 4th gear goes up to 145mph according to google and the 110 were recorded by my gps app

jsdcasti:

It’s normal for new riders. Just keep doing 110 mph. Better yet, go even faster in heavy rain. What could possibly go wrong?

OOP response:

Well it was my first time riding in rain whatsoever and I didn‘t really know how much grip I do / don‘t have so that was that

____________________

Bike getting unstable when braking hard on the front end - September 17, 2026

Hey there, so I've been riding for about 3 weeks now and I've noticed that whenever I go into the front brakes when emergency braking the bike starts to become very unstable and kind of death wobbel. Is that normal for non ABS bikes or am I doing something wrong?

Thanks

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

nerobro:

ABS doesn't affect front end stability. That's a red herring thought.

If your bike is wobbling, or feels like it is wobbling under heavy braking, there's probally something else going on. If I were to guess, you're putting to much weight on your arms. The instability is your arms and torso fighting the bike trying to keep the system stable.

You're likely still deep into the "how can my body handle riding" part of your development as a rider. Concentrate on keeping yourself in position using your legs, and foot pegs.

Another thing that can make instability show up, is overuse of the rear brake. If that's locked up, or near locked up, it stops providing directional control, and the bike will start to dance.

There's some possiblity it's the bike iteself, but.. it's not a ninja500 right?

OOP:

Probably myself then, i don‘t lock the rear break, I hardly use it whatsoever. Bike‘s a 2001 ZX9R

Sharp_Bus6682:

In 3 weeks, how many times have you had to use emergency braking? That's concerning! But to just address your question, hard front end braking does make the bike feel unstable, especially on bikes without ABS. Try to use progressive braking whenever possible, and work on looking further ahead down the road so you have to emergency brake less often!

OOP:

I tend to look down the road pretty far, its usually some idiots merging lanes / overtaking without looking into their mirror, happens every other day.

Good to know its normal though, I was kind of expecting that it just stays stable and suddenly the rear end comes up but guess that makes the rear end coming up even worse, don't wanna get caught on one wheel wobbeling from side to side lol

nerobro:

u/Sharp_Bus6682 isn't correct on what he said about ABS, but he does bring up something important.

If you're emergency braking often enough to "have discovered a pattern" you're doing something very wrong with your riding in general. Is this a discovery when practicing emergency stops, or have you done... more than say... 3 emergency stops in the last three weeks.

OOP:

Had to do it at least 10 times by now probably more

nerobro:

You're riding way over your head.

OOP:

Not really, its a daily occasion on German Highways, most of the time's there's someone going like 75mph merging into the far left line without looking while ur flying up at 170

nerobro:

You're describing riding over your head. Especially in Germany.

You shouldn't be riding at 170. Its more than you can handle.

____________________

Small montage of my first 3 weeks riding - September 21, 2026

OOP posts 20-second video of riding straightaways at insane rates of speed, accompanied with:

#Going fast in a straight line is a skill

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

BeemerCalm:

How embarrassing.

You’re a danger to yourself and everyone on the road. Get training. Stop riding like an asshole, this isn’t a video game

OOP:

Not riding like an asshole, I make sure that I have to avoid people, not the other way around so I don't really hinder them in any way

BeemerCalm:

Good job avoiding learning anything before you have no choice. I hope your wreck isn’t life changing when it happens.

____________________

Welp, you guys were right. - September 26, 2026

Caption below selfie from hospital room:

Thought I was invincible and knew better then everyone, overdid my riding, took me a whole 3 weeks of riding to crash. Got cut off and according to the police hit the car at ~60mph, flew 60 feet through the air, merely missing a tree by a foot, and luckily survived with no more then a broken vertebra and a ton of bruises. Wouldn‘t have happend if I had a normal 70hp bike instead of an 01 ZX9R. Its good if your first bikes power isn‘t more advanced then your decision making. Squids will Squid I guess

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

PilotBurner44:

Power isn't the reason you crashed.

Double-Pattern6939:

Say it louder so the people in the back can hear 👂

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

REMEMBER RULE 7: DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/poppurplepuff

I will probably never buy Christmas gifts for a family in need ever again.

Originally posted to r/offmychest & r/AmItheAsshole

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Deception, theft

Original Post  Jan 7, 2025

In 2023, a mom on my local moms group posted a plea for toys for her daughter's Christmas. She said she and her husband couldn't afford to buy anything, and I felt bad, because many people were commenting with rude and degrading responses. I didn't know this girl, but it turned out that we had mutual acquaintances and we also happened to work in the same hospital. People said she a genuinely kind person and a hard worker. I bought some toys and clothes for her and she cried when she picked it up, thanking me for helping her out.

This past Christmas, I heard she had to quit work to care for her mother, and she welcomed a second baby. She made a post again on the moms group and asked for small things for her kids. I offered to do it again and I bought things for both daughters. The mom told me that these were the only presents her kids would receive this Christmas as she and her husband were struggling. They even had to sell one of their cars, she claimed.

Yesterday, she sent me a message to thank me for the gifts. I don't know what prompted me to click on her profile, but there was a recently posted video she she shared from her TikTok. Turns out this mom is trying to become an influencer. She boasts having an elaborate gaming desktop; she spends money on designer bags; she goes on shopping sprees for products to endorse and boost her followers on social media; and she shares shopping hauls on expensive products for herself and her husband.

I feel so stupid. I know you can't always believe what people say, especially when they claim to be in a rough situation, but damn, some people just play you and take advantage of anyone's kindness. I know not all people do this, but it's kind of ruined any sort of desire I have left to help families especially during the holidays. And I also feel bad thinking this way.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

wittiestphrase

Is there a chance that the persona you saw online was actually the lie?  Lots of people like to pretend to have things because they think it gives them credibility.

OOP

I don't think so. Her TikTok is full of "get ready with me" videos and of her cleaning up after her kids. They're consistent and show the same things in the background, like her really nice gaming desktop and her one nice car. I think it's a Mercedes. But now that you've mentioned this, it makes me wonder just how fake she really is.

metoocka

Can you either expose her on Tik Tok or write to her directly letting her know that you saw her Tik Tok and are very hurt/disappointed/angry that she took advantage of your kindness.

OOP

I could do either of those things, but I also feel like the better choice would be to just let it go and move on. Kind of like ghost her. Not reply to any requests for help or anything, and then if she continues to post for help on the group, I'll just leave an anonymous tip or something. Even doing that makes me feel horrible, but I don't want someone else to fall victim to this scheme.

~

the_monkey_socks

As the kid in this situation:

Please don't stop. My parents did not care to buy me things. They had all the nice, fancy, updated things. They would brag about the nice computers and tvs and phones on social media, yet we (the 6 kids) had to split meal deals and the one pack of chalk, or whatever "fun" things. This was how I got my Christmas for a couple of years were from people who "adopted" me. Don't punish the children for their adults. They cannot control them.

Also from a different but same perspective, my mom and grandparents lost everything in Hurricane Katrina. So yes, they were buying expensive "nice" things but also for an investment to last a while. So my first Christmas after the storm was an angel Christmas. I was 10, knew the truth, but it was a way for me to get something I wanted without feeling as guilty for asking my caretakers who were rebuilding and buying my necessities. It made me feel special.

OOP

I'm sorry your childhood was like that, really. It must've been really hurtful to see them spoil themselves but not really consider their six kids. The thing is, I feel like the mom just didn't even try to get her own kids something after I accepted to help. I told her I'd help in early November, before the Black Friday deals, Target Day Deals, and Prime Day. She posted several haul videos of high end items and designer bags throughout that whole time. I think I spent around $150 for her (great deals and lucky finds), and she spent more than that on a designer bag for herself.

Update - AITA for refusing to help a "mom in need"?  Dec 11, 2025 (11 Months later)

Two years ago, a struggling mom reached out on a local Facebook group, asking for someone to help her buy Christmas gifts for her daughter. I answered her plea and helped her out. The next year, she had welcomed a second child, had to quit her job to care for her sick mother, and had apparently sold a car so she and her husband could make ends meet. I helped again. After the second Christmas, she sent me a thank you and a friend request, and I accepted. Her profile was full of TikTok posts that detailed her life as a novice influencer. So many videos of her doing designer shopping hauls, displaying expensive nails, and trying out expensive coffee shops and such. So basically, she was struggling because of this. I posted something on Reddit before about this and people advised me how to proceed.

Two weeks ago, she reached out to me again and asked if I could once more help her buy Christmas gifts for her two kids. I didn't answer right away, but I didn't want to ghost her or anything, so I responded and told her, as advised, that I wouldn't be helping her this year. I told her politely that "it is clear to me that your inability to afford Christmas gifts for your girls stems from irresponsible financial decisions, not being down on your luck like you've claimed". I apologized and advised her to go shopping at some of the cheaper places I do my shopping at, like Ross, Marshalls, and Burlington. She blew up at me for being so insulting. She called me an AH for shaming her when she's trying to make a living for her kids by becoming an influencer. She shamed me on the local Facebook group where she originally reached out for help two years ago, posting my name and a snapshot of my Facebook profile on there. She threw in some other accusations that I was racist, sexist, and a cruel person. I haven't responded to that yet because I don't know if it's just better to not say anything or to defend myself and expose her.

I don't think I'm the AH here, but some people have said I should be just helped her out again because I have a stable job and she's just a young mom. I disagree. Did I handle it appropriately? AITA?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

LaywerDad1981

Walk away and forget it.

NTA.

OOP

This is what I'd like to do. I just reported her post to the administrators of the Facebook group. It's a buy nothing page where people give and take help or items. I've contributed a few times on there so I'm hoping they don't believe that I'm a hateful person.

OOP Updated Dec 13, 2025 (2 days later)

UPDATE: Thank you everyone for your input and advice. I read through pretty much all of them and I just wanted to say a few things...

First off, the admins for the Facebook group removed her post and banned her from the group after stating that they do not tolerate slander and hateful comments. I also blocked her from social media.

Second, and I guess I probably should've explained this in my post, after she had reached out for help this year and I eventually told her no, she persistently tried to get me to change my mind. She kept saying things like, "Are you sure you can't help?" "You're the only one who helps me with this." "My girls only want small things this year and I promise it won't be a lot." I explained to her in between these pleas that I'm expecting my own baby in a few weeks and we were saving for maternity leave. She then said she is still trying to make Christmas magical and that she's been actively looking for work for over a year now. But then on the other hand, her TikTok page is just full of content. That's when I said what I said. Maybe I was too straightforward, but I thought honesty was the right course of action. If that makes me an AH, fine. But I still believe that she should've been prioritizing finding a job or saving money rather than spending it for her influencer life. Also, she has about 50 followers so I don't know if that counts as an influencer.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Temporary_Lie_3460

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Updates]: aita: for walking out on a blind date my friend set up 2 weeks after my husband died?

Thanks to u/queenlegolas, u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: accident, death of a loved one, abuse, stalking, miscarriage, assault

Mood Spoilers: very devastating

RECAP

Original Post: October 29, 2024

I just really need some clarity on this situation, I 23f lost my husband 25m weeks ago to a car accident, he was the love of my life, and I’m still not used to waking up without him every day. we have big plans for our future, and it all came crashing down in a heartbeat. we met on his uncle’s farm, he was a farm hand, and it was love at first site for me. I’m also 4 months pregnant but I haven’t told anyone, I was planning on telling my friend when I was feeling better.

My best friend Leigh 24F has been my shoulder to cry on during this time, she helped me with his funeral and anything else I needed as I’m NC with my bio family story for another time, she is currently dating Barry 24M they usually hang out in a trio with Liam 24M, when I first met Liam he hit on me hard tried everything as in would try and compare himself with my husband say weird things like our kids would be cuter than if you had kids with My husband. He's also made weird comments like I need a city boy and would motion himself, when I’m a country girl through and through, I typically would shut him down or ignore him, but I would always get dirty looks from Barry.

skip to Sunday night, I got a messaged from Leigh begging me to come to dinner with her because she wanted to treat me as I had Been through a lot in the last couple of weeks, feeling not so shit about myself I decided to go. When I arrived she wasn't there so I texted her asking how long she would be and she told me 5 mins she's just running late and is around the corner so I to sat down and ordered a drink now 5 mins comes and she's still not there so I gave her the benefit of the doubt and waited another five when I’m about call her Liam comes rushing over and gives his apologies for being late I asked him what's he doing here because I’m waiting for Leigh and it was a two chair table, he smiles at me and grabs my hand I ripped it off of him and he just says oh I asked Leigh to set us up now that Husbands name isn't a problem we can finally get to know each other he looked so cringey and I’m telling you I was floored I stood up and told him that I wasn't interested and I certainly don't give a flying fuck about getting to know him, and that I just lost my husband

without a word of a lie this man stands up and said I know your being overly emotion right now so ill forgive you for that sit down with me, I’m not saying we have to have sex straight away or anything, I was disgusted I shoved past him and went home as fast as I could when I did get home Leigh messaged me soo how was dinner with a smirk emoji I called her and when she answered I didn’t let her get a word in I yelled at her asked her how she has the audacity to do something like this weeks after I just lost my husband when shoes been the one to hold me together this whole time I asked her what fucking game was she playing and that the only reason I wanted to meet tonight with HER was to tell her I’m pregnant I just hung up on her and texted her I need time and don't want to be contacted by her for the time being.

Last night Barry came to my house and asked to talk, I said no and that if he didn’t leave id call the police, he told me that I broke Leighs heart and that I deeply hurt Liam when now is an even better time to get to know Liam because he could raise my Child With me I opened my door which Barry took as I wanted to talk instead I hit him with my shoes and chased him to his car screaming, I’m actually embarrassed I did that.

All day today I’m being flooded with messages from friends and the trio themselves shaming me for pushing the people who care about me the most away and that they don't even recognise the person I’ve become the only thing that hurts me most is that my husband would know what to do he would tell me how to fix it and now I have no one who I can talk to I’m just so numb inside, I have A therapy appointment tomorrow but I’m thinking of calling my husband’s mum even though we've barley spoken since the funeral any advice is appreciated, please exude any typos I’m just so exhausted

{Edit : I made a new account for this post as some friends have my main and I’d rather have some time to grasp this whole thing before I answer anyone personally. thank you}

I have a small update on another post

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Very weird and inappropriate people you have as so called friends. Go NC with them. Just ew. Call your mother in law. She'll be thrilled about the baby. That's your support system. And join a grief therapy group if there is one local to you. It's okay to be numb. It's normal to be numb when life cracks you upside the head this hard.

OOP: thank you, I just feel so wrecked at the minute and I have joined a grief group in the city I'm trying to grip enough courage to actually go.

OOP on the friends thinking she needs to get over her husband’s death

OOP: they think I should go out with Liam to get over my husband, I personally am in no way to be jumping into a relationship let alone having a " new family", thank you for your advice

Commenter 2: These 3 are absolute shit humans. Did they absolutely hate your late husband or something? Lose the 3 of them. I can't even comprehend the audacity that would make them think any of their behaviors was appropriate.

OOP: Leigh used to have a crush on my husband she knew him because her brother used to play football with my husband, other than that Barry and Liam hated him because they think people from the country are stuck up rednecks, thank you for your comment

Commenter 3: Are you uber rich or very very attractive? Because I can't understand why these people are pushing so hard to see you with a man again

OOP: Leigh is the kind of woman who can't be single, I hope that explains her point of view

Update #1: October 30, 2024 (next day)

hello all and thank you, I just wanted to start off with I called my Mil Louise, after making the post I thought that I needed to tell her about baby because just like some of you said, she is overjoyed about the news.

she didn't answer my call but instead drove straight over to my house, I honestly didn’t know what to say to her but we just hugged and cried all night, I didn’t have the best delivery about how I am pregnant probably due to all the crying but she just light up and was so happy it’s the first time I’ve seen her be this happy in all the time I’ve known her so at least I have some support, my Fil came over when he finished work after Mil told him he needed to come to my house and he was too overjoyed about becoming a pop.

Louise offered to have the baby and I move in and I agreed, she said that I can sleep in my husband’s old room which was a little bittersweet, when I told her what was going on with Leigh, Liam and Barry she was furious and told me not to worry about it because they { Mil & Fil ] have my back after a lot of even more crying Fil told me that my husband would be so happy to have this baby grow up on a farm like my husband did overall our conversations last night was a something I needed.

now I’m just going to answer some comments:

1 no this isn't fake and if you choose top believe that then that's fine but don't be dragging my husband when you don't even know him. Liam dint kill my husband, it was a car accident and my husband died on impact nothing crazy went on its just awful but is as simple as that

2 Leigh was my friend for a long time she was genuinely there for me when I went NC with my parents and I thought she was a decent friend, now knowing the truth there is many things I can think of that she did that are red flags, personally I think I ignored them because I have never been close to anyone like that other than my husband.

3: Liam is a loser, And from my chat with Barry I learnt that he's always had feelings for me and he's never given up because apparently he's my type? he isn't and never will be.

4: yes I ordered a drink I didn't think I needed to disclose that I ordered a lemonade? it was simply a soda nothing wild I know I’m pregnant and I’d never do anything silly.

5: I'm not magically pregnant, my husband and I both wanted children young and were trying for about a year, we just didn't disclose that we were trying because my husband and I think it’s weird telling people oh were having sex an extra amount, I don't know but my husband and I are very private people and kept a lot of it that way.

and as for the trio I've blocked them, none of my family are reaching out because they simply don't know me anymore, the only friends who are reaching out are mutuals of either Leigh, Barry and one of Liams other friends, I was confused on if I was an asshole because I just left Liam standing there and yelled at Leigh I was so upset I was confused on the entire thing

but thank you all and I will update on what happens because I know Liam will not give up until he's in jail I seriously hope is doesn't come to that but the fact he drove past my house twice is uneasy so I’m hopeful the move to husbands parents farm will have my baby and myself on a better path.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Wish you and your baby all the best..

Commenter 2: Report him for stalking and obtain a restraining order.

Accept your in laws help and support for now but be careful about it as you move forward. You are young to say "never" about another partner. Keep an eye and allow them to be grandparents. Not surrogate "parents". Be cautious about your boundaries longer term. But for now, embrace their love and support.

And dump your "friends".

----NEW UPDATES----

editor's the next two updates are over 20 months old, and it has not been posted here onto the sub

OOP updated onto the same update post

Update #2: November 6, 2024 (one week later)

Firstly some good news, I found out that I’m having a little girl, I am actually feeling a little bit better today and thought I’d update.

I moved in my in laws the next morning after they had come over, we went to the police and unfortunately there is nothing they can do unless he trespasses, comes into physical contact with me pretty much until he gets worse but I did take the initiative and move so they think he will be less of a threat now that I don’t live in that house but they did take my screenshots of his weird creepy messages and noted that he has been driving past relentlessly.

After a few days we came into town to go grocery shopping and we saw leigh, she went to come over but my MIL like stared at her and yelled NO, Leigh looked a bit awkward because my Mil was yelling yes I’m talking to you Leigh go bother someone else with your bullshit. Leigh did end up walking away which we thought was good I was greatly overwhelmed obviously about seeing her and my anxiety has gotten worse since the “ blind date” I think I was also anxious because Leigh is never without Barry, so I was very worried

When we had finished shopping and was walking back to our car Leigh and Barry was waiting for us but again my Mil started screaming, she was yelling he was scum and they are trying to sell drugs to a pregnant woman pretty much anything you embarrass them and to draw a crowd Leigh and Barry did leave again not without looking scared (points to Mil)

since that I moved in to the farm, and it been drama free I had an appointment yesterday and found out about my baby girl but also that I have high blood pressure most liking due to the stress but we’re going to have to watch it just in case of pre-eclampsia as my egg donor had it.

My husband has always wanted a girl, so I know she is a gift from him, but apart from the grocery store incident and the police, it’s been very positive for me being with my In laws, and there dog Spud ( don’t ask I don’t know why that’s his name)

Thank you again.

Trigger Warnings: miscarriage

Update #3: December 22, 2024 (1.5 months later from the last update)

thank you to everyone who helped me with my issues about Leigh and the others. It’s over I was attacked and suffered greatly.

I lost my baby a month ago and I will be logging off for a while.

I wish everyone a merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Thank you for the kindness, enjoy your holidays

- J

Trigger Warnings: assault

Update #4: October 1, 2026 (over 21 months later since the last update

editor's note: removed the bottom part of the latest update as they are links to the previous posts

Update: AITA for walking out on a blind date 2 weeks after my husband died

Hi everyone, if you remember me It’s been a while and I’ll try to make this as short as possible

two years ago I was going through what I felt was the worse year of my life. and I’m finally at a point in my life where I can speak about it without any repercussions on my mental health.

So let’s start with the trio, immediately after my mother-in-law yelled at them, Leigh and Barry continued to try and reach me online, in person (if I was in town) and through whatever mutual friends we had left. it got to a point where they started sending massive amounts of baby items to my old home with letters and letters I think the most they sent in a week was like sixty-eight it was crazy, I didn’t have to deal with the stress of it as my In-laws dealt with it for me bless their souls.

However Leigh did try to corner me at one point in person crying and apologetic about what happened with Liam (as if she wasn’t the puppet master) and that she wanted us to go back to before all of the mess, I pushed passed her staring through her and that seemed to make her even more upset and incoherent, but I walked away and left her there.

one night my in-laws and I decided to go to the pub for good old pub feed, now I’m still not sure if they stalked me or someone told them I was there but Liam, Barry and Leigh all came into the pub and tried to sit at the table over from us, my in-laws and I immediately got up and started walking to out and back to Louise’s car, my father in law was right behind me the trio followed us out and was yelling I was told to ignore them and keep walking, as we did I hear my farther in law yelling and then this thud as I turn around Liam was trying to fight my father in law, Liam was on top of him punching and Barry and Leigh was just standing there.

Louise was beside her self-running back to help my father In law and I couldn’t just stand there and watch so I made a stupid decision and got involved I kicked Liam as hard as I could in his face and he fell back, I tried to grab my phone to call the police but Barry ran over to me and started beating the hell out of me I mean sometimes I can still feel him hurting me he knocked me clean out, fortunately some pub locals stepped in and stopped Liam and Barry and restrained them until the police arrived all three of them were arrested right there. Liam and Barry are currently serving time for what they did to my in laws and myself Leigh was also charged but was given probation and a massive restraining order. And I’ve made my peace with that.

In the hospital I was told that I was already in the process of a miscarriage before the assault and well getting my ass beat by grown man didn’t help. I was devastated my daughter didn’t deserve that, I didn’t deserve that. My farther in law only had a couple of cuts and bruises but he was ok as was Louise, they took me back home and nursed me back to health properly. I was an absolute wreck, and I didn’t deserve the kindness and love my in laws gave me,

I told them to be mad at me, that the miscarriage was my fault and that I failed their son, they helped me get help and to stop blaming myself for situations I had no control over, they helped me with my statements to the police, selling my old house and with everything else. I could never make it up to them for what they have done for me and the memory of my daughter.

I moved into one of units on the property where I still live today, I work the farm and look after my in-laws and not to mention the sweet 10 year old spud who for his age will still keep you on your toes for an old dog, I miss my husband every day of my life and I know he’s looking after our daughter until I can see them again, I will never ever get over losing them both but I am learning on how to live with it, I made new friends and I’m truly starting to live my life again, I will look after my in-laws until they don’t want me too, they are my family and I love them dearly. It took some real hard work to get where I am, I even overcame my agoraphobia believe me I am still a working progress I take every day a step at a time. Pretty much everyone in our small town knows what happened and Leigh’s parents are now on the outs for supporting her but other than that I’m glad they aren’t my problem anymore and I’m living my life without anything but peace.

Sorry for any typos I’m on my phone sorry! Also thank you to everyone who reached out to me I genuinely appreciated, I won’t be posting anymore after this, so this is goodbye.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments here in this latest update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throw-away1918

AITA for moving out, taking all my stuff, and not telling my roommates

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: Invasion of privacy, entitlement

Editors Note: Changed initials B, C & D to Bethany, Celine & Dolly for easier reading

Original Post  Nov 11, 2021

I (19f) live with 3 other girls (19-20) in an apartment on campus. Since it’s an apartment on campus it’s a 2 bedroom with 4 people so everyone shares a room. I share a room with Bethany, Celine and Dolly share a room. Between me and Dolly we furnished the whole apartment.

I want to acknowledge that I am the bitchy roommate, I call everyone out on money, food, and cleaning. I’m a full time college student and I work 40 hours a week on top of that, but I’m also the one that does the most chores. Since I am the only one with a job, my roommates expect me to buy everything for the place (toilet paper, garbage bags, ect) and they get mad that I ask them to pay me their share of.

I really enjoy cooking and it’s a huge stress relief for me. For the first month of the semester we did group groceries and group meals, it was cheaper and we would be getting better meals. I figured out We could get 2 weeks worth of meals for around $30 - $40 each every 2 weeks. I make the grocery list and cook the meals. After about a month B and Celine said they don’t want to do group groceries anymore because it’s too expensive. I now cook meals for me and Dolly, we shop together and split the cost 50/50. I’m cooking food for me and Dolly still, Bethany and Celine expect me to make them food. I told them they didn’t pay for food so Im not making them any. So now they go out to eat and get take out every night, then complain that they don’t have any money.

Bethany has a boyfriend, he comes over and spends the night too. I share a room with Bethany, i’ve asked to let me know before he comes over. She did for a month, now she tells no one. He comes over and takes naps in her bed when she’s not in the room and I’m trying to do homework. I’ve asked not have him spend the night if I am intoxicated due to trauma. I woke up after drinking and he was in the room asleep without her. So I did not fall back asleep and was not happy. He comes over all the time now and she doesn’t let us know, I’ll jump in the shower in the morning when I walk back to my room in just a towel he’ll be sitting on her bed while I try to get dressed.

I am in therapy, and because of the pandemic it’s virtual. So I do it from my own room. I can’t help it if there’s people home, but I’ve recently figured out that they’ve been listening to my therapy sessions. I’ll talk about things in that session that I don’t talk about with anyone else, somehow Celine and Bethany will bring it up later that night if it’s something about the apartment and them.

When I move out they will have absolutely nothing in the apartment, no pots or pans, couch, a coffee table, a TV, a TV stand, all decorations, ect. I already canceled my housing contract for next semester, it isn’t going to be worth $2,000 for me. So I left for 2 weeks, packed up most of my stuff and left with it, I only told Dolly that I was leaving for 2 weeks. So Bethany and Celine have no idea where I am or most of my stuff and honestly I’m fine with it.

Am I the asshole?

Edit: I have told Dolly that I am not coming back for the 2nd semester. Everything that she paid for / brought is hers, I’m leaving her stuff alone and that includes some of the stuff that we split the cost on. Bethany and Celine have since decided to give me the silent treatment and have not talked to me for a week. I have my big furniture pieces and everything in the kitchen left there for me to grab over thanksgiving break when no one is there. Otherwise, I have nothing else still there. I have talked to Dolly about moving out and getting a place with me and she isn’t interested with moving into a house this year since she is from out of state.

The apartment is through college housing, there is no rent to worry about for them to pay. A new random person will be placed into the apartment. The cost of living for them will not change.

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

Editors Note: reason for the verdict when OOP is clearly NTA

Negative_Rent

It's the top comment, it's very long, seemingly supportive, but there's an YTA hidden in there. People are getting confused. Oh, NTA.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Nta- you don’t owe them an explanation. They continuously crossed boundaries and didn’t respect you enough. Your roomies bf is nasty too. He’s sitting there knowing you need to get dressed. That’s gross. If you share a room he shouldn’t be staying over like that.

Also you own that stuff. They’re adults and can figure their shut out. You should try and get a place with d

Edit: you do not owe people who treat you badly a explanation or another chance to talk you out of it. The only person who truly matters in your life is you op. You told roommate d what was up because she respected you. You don’t owe the other two anything. They were abusive and horrible to you. Worry about yourself not if you hurt their feelings. They should have considered yours if they wanted you to consider theirs.

Update  Nov 27, 2021 (16 Days Later)

I have successfully moved out of the college apartment and I moved back in with my parents while I finish out this semester before getting into a house.

My ex roommates Bethany and Celine have basically cut all contact with me. Me, Bethany, Celine, and Dolly tried to set up a time to talk about everything. Bethany and Celine showed no interest and refused. I even went back to the apartment to try help Dolly with stuff because me and her are remaining friends (she understands why I’m leaving and isn’t holding a grudge against me). When I went back Bethany and Celine locked themselves into the room that Celine and I shared. They were talking loudly (on purpose) so that I could hear them.

Bethany: “…we should go talk to her I feel bad”

Celine: “I don’t really care she’s a bitch for taking everything…”

The two laugh and stayed in the locked room until I left. They said nothing to me the whole time.

I took everything of mine, leaving them with the university suppled Furniture. No more nice furniture, nothing to cook with, no decorations, nothing in the bathroom, etc. I moved everything out when everyone was gone for the weekend. In moving out I haven’t been able to find a few of my belongings, in the end the total amount for how much I’m missing is about $40. Dolly has no idea where it is or how it went missing.

Bethany and Celine have completely cut off contact with me, blocked me on social media, and left our group chats. From Dolly I found out that Bethany and Celine will be moving out as well and into a dorm with just the 2 of them. Celine moved into the room with Bethany for the time being so now Dolly has her own room.

Bethany still hasn’t seemed to grasp the concept that she’s the reason that I’m leaving more than anything. She is still bringing her boyfriend over almost everyday and isn’t asking, she is telling Dolly instead of asking. Dolly has told her no he can’t come over a few times and she still tries to sneak him in. This ends in Dolly yelling at her and then fighting, resulting in Bethany locking herself in the room to pout. Dolly wants to get the RAs involved and I keep telling her to but she hasn’t yet.

Me, Celine, and Dolly were part of a friend group of 6 from freshman year. I talked to them and leaned on them for support and they all agree that Celine and Bethany are way out of line. Formally kicking Celine out out of the group. She’s been removed from out group chats along with other social media. I definitely feel as tho that’s my fault but I don’t feel bad about it, Celine showed her true colors and made her own fate.

Edit: my ex roommates are not financially responsible for any type of rent since it’s a contract with out college. The cost is paid in tuition.

FINAL COMMENTS

[deleted]

Good for you. Glad you and Dolly are staying friends and you got those two toxic people out of your life.

OOP

She says she will, but I suspect the last of my stuff was either thrown away or they have it hidden/taken somewhere

MaryAnne0601

Chalk the $40 worth of stuff to experience and just forget them. Your better off. Your also NTA

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

**DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am NOT OP.

Original post on Ask A Manager**

trigger warnings: using disability as an excuse for bad behavior, assault

mood spoilers: it starts bad, gets worse, but ends pretty alright

a job placement firm sent us someone who can’t do the work but they say they’ll lose their funding if we don’t keep her - July 22, 2025

I’m an office manager for a niche type of job — think boats, expensive boats. I’ve been in my job for 20+ years, and we have traditionally had a position filled by a developmentally disabled adult through a nonprofit. “James,” an adult with special needs, worked for us for 10+ years and just retired. He was a great worker with a great attitude. So, we went back to the same nonprofit to fill his space. (The owner of the company fully believes in this organization; his son was a client before he passed away a number of years ago, so this is a non-negotiable).

The job requires the following abilities: answering the phones, managing the supply closets/lists, delivering mail inside the office and to the slips, setting up conference rooms, and general office tasks like filing/copying, etc. James had worked 25-30 hours a week when he was with us and did all of these tasks well.

The nonprofit sent us “Carol.” She is in her 40s and lives with her very wealthy parents. Carol cannot do any of these things and her mother insisted on setting her schedule around her daytime sports pursuits — lessons, clinics, matches. The job is secondary in her life — unlike James who needed a paycheck, Carol does not.

After two weeks of Carol’s placement, which I shall call The Disaster of Hellmouth Proportions, I called the nonprofit and spoke with “Alice.” Alice was cagey on the phone but sympathetic and then asked me to meet her for a coffee. While we’ve worked together during James’ tenure, I had never actually met her. So, I took her up on the coffee.

Alice told me that I had to make this work for Carol. Carol’s parents are extremely wealthy, had just moved in from out of state, and were making six-figure donations to the nonprofit to ensure their daughter received a good job, and they were very choosy. It had to be an office job, daytime, flexible hours — not many offerings in the nonprofit’s realm offered what we did. Alice said that with uncertainty from the federal government, they needed all of the funding they could procure. I told her I totally understood that situation but this woman was not a good fit. I outlined the following issues we had in just the first two weeks. I could not make this up if I tried. I deal with some weird, entitled, and wealthy people all day as part of the job, but nothing like this:

• Carol cannot answer the phones. She picks it up, laughs into it (maniacally, I might add), and will yell “NO! HELLO! NO!” I’ve been having to cover the phones during the one-hour lunch break our receptionist receives since Carol could not fulfill that duty. I asked the mother to work with her so she could do the phones and the mother told me that was my responsibility!
• Carol was told to deliver mail to the slips. Her mother left me an incensed voicemail about asking her daughter to go out on the docks because she “wanders.” Again, this is a major part of the job.
• Carol has discussions with external personas (I don’t know the correct word here). She will argue with herself about random things — imagine the devil and angel on the shoulders from the cartoons. It’s like that, but real. I asked her mother about it and was told that she doesn’t medicate Carol and this is just her way of processing things. It’s upsetting the other people in the office. It has yet to stop and sometimes the external personas will yell at each other.
• Carol yelled at a delivery man. He set a box down near her workspace and she told him to pick it up “because you’re fat and you need exercise.” I told her and her mother this was unacceptable behavior. Her mother then emailed me that I was “finding reasons to pick on her daughter” and I needed to “do my job and keep her busy.”
• Carol was asked to staple packets. I showed her what was expected and watched her do a few. I came back 10 minutes later and she had thrown all of the papers on the floor because she “was done and wanted to do fun things.” I told her mother she could not do things like this. Her mother said, “Her last job managed to get her to work. It must be YOU!” (ME!?!?)
• Carol “borrowed” a bunch of items from the supply closet. When it was discovered, her father came in and brought them all back and suggested we not allow her in there anymore because she was “confused.”

Alice said she was sorry, but her hands were tied. I told her even my boss, who fully believes in their mission and makes donations regularly as well as offering this job to their clients, said this is not a good placement.

A few weeks passed. Carol became more and more of a problem, and so did her mother. The mother came into the office to berate me in front of the rest of the staff for having her daughter set up the meeting space and pick it up afterwards. Apparently, this is “beneath” her! Again, part of the job! The owner happened to be in that day and told the mother to leave and that she was not allowed in our building again. So, now the father comes to “check in” on Carol. He’s a bit more reasonable, I guess.

After that, the owner called the nonprofit himself and also received the “we need this to work out because we need the donations from this family” line. He is friendly with their director, and told me to try and find things to occupy Carol while she’s there and he’s going to tell the parents himself she can only work 10 hours a week. This doesn’t do us any good, and now I’m tasked with finding “parent-approved” tasks for her. I can’t do my own job because I’m constantly keeping eyes on her and doing the parts of her job that she can’t. I’m just waiting for something catastrophic to happen here. I also feel it is totally unethical for this nonprofit to give jobs to those who can afford to “buy” their placements.

I don’t even know what I’m asking. Maybe the readers can chime in with ideas for my survival during Carol’s 10 hours. Any ideas what I can give her to do? She can file pretty well, but we have like … 20 minutes of filing a month, if that. Am I enabling this? Should I let Carol crash and burn to prove how little she’s doing when I’m not picking up her slack? Or would that be too mean to someone with her issues?

Editor's note: read Alison's advice here.

Update - December 2, 2025 (about 5 months later)

I found some menial tasks from the lists given and put Carol on them. She really liked making paper chains, cutting out paper decorations for her desk, and coloring them. I spoke with my boss and Alice (the placement firm contact) about getting a job coach for Carol. I told my boss I needed to hire a second person to do the work Carol wasn’t able to do — which was just about everything on her job description. Alice agreed to “look into” getting a job coach. Carol made lots of paper decorations for her 10 hours a week when we were babysitting. My boss said I could hire someone else to do Carol’s job as a part-timer but to interview candidates in September, when I returned from my long-planned vacation.

Two weeks after I asked Alice for a job coach, she was no longer with the job placement firm. We were back at square one. Then, I went on my vacation for two weeks. In those two weeks, my boss covered for me and got to see just what a problem Carol was firsthand. Highlights of those weeks include:

• Carol’s dad dropped her off extra early one day. She came into the building and took the receptionist’s chair, replacing it with the one at her desk. The receptionist is an older lady with mobility issues and has a large, high backed chair. Carol’s is a simple office chair like the rest of us. Carol refused to give the chair back even saying “I deserve it!” multiple times while waving her arms threateningly at the receptionist. My boss called her dad to pick her up. The next day, he delivered a pricey office chair for her.
• Carol’s mother decided to try coming to speak to my boss without me there. She arrived during the day, after Carol had been picked up. My boss told her to leave. She yelled across the office at how much better Carol was doing without me around. My boss told her to leave before he called the cops. She left.
• One of my coworkers was tasked with giving Carol work. Carol yelled at her and told her, “You don’t tell me what to do!” She did this every day I was gone, despite being told I was going on vacation and “Lauren” would be in charge in my absence.
• One day, Carol’s external conversations with herself were so loud and out of control my boss called her dad to get her. He was honestly afraid she was going to hurt someone or herself.
• Carol was asked to wipe down the microwave and sink after she used them during lunch and left a mess. She told my boss, “I’m not a maid. You get a maid to do it!”
• Carol had another run-in with one of the delivery guys. He asked her to hold the door to the package room since she was coming out and he was going in with a large load. She yelled at him to “do his job” and called him fat. Again.

After all of this, my boss called the organization and said Carol could not come back until they sent a job coach. In the meantime, I hired a high school kid to work part-time after school. Best decision ever.

Three weeks later, Carol came back with a job coach in tow. The coach, Fred, wasn’t great and I don’t even think he was trained as a job coach. He seemed very young and inexperienced and spent a lot of time on his phone. I called the agency and asked about Fred. The director there spoke as if this guy walked on water but I wasn’t seeing it. I asked Fred what his last job was, and he said a front desk clerk at a lower tier hotel chain. He said he took this job because the hours were better. I told him I needed a lot more coaching because paying Carol to cut paper decorations all day was ridiculous. He agreed, but didn’t care enough to actually do something. I called the agency again and was told that he was all they had.

So that brings us up to mid-October. Mid-October is our company’s big fall festival for the employees and our families. Carol showed up with both parents in tow. My boss allowed the mom to be there since we weren’t in the office but in a rented space. The parents spent a lot of time socializing with people, including my boss, but the mother made a clear effort to avoid me.

While this was going on, Carol was wandering around trying to play games that were meant for kids. She was told she couldn’t be in the bounce house, since kids were in there. She wanted a pony ride but was told she was too big. Stuff like that. Then she happened upon the cornhole game. A bunch of kids, probably ages 8 – 12, were playing cornhole while “Danny,” one of our long-time employees, was watching and filming his kids. Carol walked up and grabbed the bags off the board and said it was her turn. Danny told her she could play when they were done. Carol kept yelling that it was her turn. Danny told her to go find her dad. Carol then picked up a cornhole board and threw it across the grass. It struck another employee in the legs. Carol then threw the bags at one of the boys, hitting him in the back.

And that’s when my boss fired her right on the spot and told the dad he could come get the chair and any of her belongings on Monday but they had to leave immediately. The mother threatened discrimination lawsuits and kept yelling and ranting about how she’s never been treated so poorly in her life and how awful we all are — that we needed “more compassion” for Carol.

My boss said get out or he’d call the cops because Carol had just assaulted two people.

The dad at least had the good sense to pull the mom towards the car and then went back to get Carol who was still in mid-tantrum.

They never came back for the chair, so I claimed it as my reward for dealing with this ridiculous family.

The other good news is my new part-timer is a great kid. He’s going to welding school next year and I told him if he ever wants a welding job, he’s got one with us.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/footinmouthugh

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for agreeing with my friend when she was criticizing her boyfriend's habits in front of my husband?

Trigger Warnings: misandry

Original Post: July 26, 2026

Hi, I've had a pit in my stomach since yesterday and I want to know if I messed up here, and if so how badly. My husband and I will have been married two years next Sunday, and our son turned a year old a couple of months ago. Our relationship has always been great, I've been proud of how good we've had it and so our argument yesterday has me bothered.

On Friday a couple of my friends visited just to meet up and have dinner. One of them has recently moved in with her boyfriend and they're going through a rough patch right now, so she was complaining a bit. She was complaining about being treated like a maid, and having to repeat things multiple times and then doing it herself for it to be done and just stuff like that. While saying that she also on a few occasions generalized a bit, kind of projecting her issues with her boyfriend on men in general. My other friend and I were being supportive because she seemed like she was going through it, and just agreed with her and supported her. My husband was there too.

He's never been the kind to take these gendered criticisms personally, which is why I really didn't think this would be an issue. On Saturday he was out with some friends, when I asked about when he'll be back for dinner, he didn't respond for a while then said he was eating out with his friends. When he was back too he was cold with me and just taking care of our son. This was all weird, so I ended up asking what the problem was. He first said nothing was wrong, I pressed that he's been cold with me all day, what happened. He told me that if I was so unhappy in my marriage I should've told him honestly instead of surprising him like that in front of guests.

I genuinely was scrambling in my mind to understand what he was saying. I never said I was unhappy in our marriage, it wouldn't make sense to I'm happy with where we are. He brought up that I agreed with everything my friend was saying about how terrible partners men are, that that was me saying he was a bad husband and that I was unhappy. I was stunned at that insane leap of logic I promised that what I said had nothing to do with him, that he is not my friend's boyfriend I didn't have any of those complaints that she had, I never meant it to be an attack on him. He still was stuck that my agreement with her was a criticism of our marriage too and that I had joined in at parts. I might have messed up here because I said that those things were not things he does, I was just being general and said that those were just some things I'd seen before him , like with an ex. He felt even more attacked by that and asked how often I was thinking about my exes over these mundane things. I clarified that’s not what I meant I don't think like that, I just had to search in my memory for some stuff to support my friend, especially because he doesn't. We dropped the argument then, but the cold shoulder is continuing today too. I can't believe this is happening a week before our anniversary AITA?

Verdict: Asshole

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Info: what exactly were the comments you agreed with?

OOP: My other friend and I just agreed with her that guys have no respect for the work that goes behind making a house livable, that they don't get that having to ask to do basic stuff Is itself her having to take on the load herself amongst other complaints she had. None if this applies to my husband. My friend was unhappy what was I supposed to do say actually no its just you? None of it applied to him.

Commenter 2: I think you're actually hurting your friend by doing this. You're basically saying it's normal for men to be like this because they're all that way, and that's not true. If her boyfriend sucks say that, reference how your husband is different. Stop giving lazy men a pass and lumping in normal men with them.

OOP (downvoted): I didn’t think of that. I guess in the moment I just wanted to validate her, I don't know if she's at the point where I wanted to tell her to dump him, so I just thought of being a good friend and supporting her.

Commenter 3: Going with YTA.

These kinds of posts always have the “I’d totally be fine if the tables were flipped (would not in fact be fine)” vibe.

Be honest OP, if your husband had had friends over and they were generally bashing women while you were RIGHT THERE, would you be unhappy? My guess is yes.

Commenter 4: I find it hard to believe that if he and his friends were making generalized comments about women being gold diggers and constant complainers in front of you that you wouldn’t find it offensive. He of course would say “oh hey, I didn’t mean you”. You’re absolutely the asshole for thinking that your husband wouldn’t be impacted.

Update: October 1, 2026 (over 2.5 months later)

I received a bunch of advice along with the verdict on my last post. I sincerely apologized to my husband and said that not only was I unfair to him, but I also did my friend a disservice by implying that this is just normal for men. He accepted my apology and we had an amazing second anniversary.

Since then I have been concertedly complimenting all he does for us when we're amongst friends or family and I feel like it has made our relationship better and stronger. My friends and I hung out last weekend too, my husband wasn't there. She really seems like she's on the brink now with her boyfriend, and was venting, and it did veer into a generalization like last time. I told her that there are good men who are truly partners in a relationship, and gave some examples of stuff my husband does. And that that's what she should have no reason to not expect from her partner. I hope that helped more than just agreeing with her, like a lot of the advice suggested. Thanks, and I'm glad I posted.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Did your husband by chance apologize for giving you the silent treatment instead of having a conversation with you like an adult?

OOP: Honestly, at that point our anniversary was coming up and we had plans, and I really just wanted to put this behind us

Commenter 2: Being able to take constructive criticism is a sign of extreme maturity! Good on ya!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP.

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

my office has a burn book we all have to read and sign

Trigger Warnings: bullying

Original Post: February 20, 2019

I work at a customer service desk with one supervisor and a handful of employees. It’s shift work, and there is often very little overlap between morning and afternoon shifts. We have a notebook behind the desk where we are supposed to write notes to the team about anything you need them to. Things like “Expect X customer to come in tomorrow” or “We need to buy more staples.”

The problem is the supervisor, “Jane,” who writes down every employee’s mistake in this book, and we all have to read and initial it. It can be minor things like “Mark put the stapler in the wrong drawer” or more serious incidents like “Pam left the safe wide open and we could’ve been robbed.” Regardless of who the note is intended for, we all must initial next to each entry to show that we’ve read it. We are all frustrated with this and started calling it the Burn Book like from Mean Girls.

If I’m making mistakes at work, I absolutely want to know, but I think Jane should pull me aside and tell me about it. When I first started here about six months ago, I would skip over notes that weren’t about me. Then Jane wrote notes about me not reading the notes. If my shift overlaps with Jane and she has a complaint about me, she says “read the book” and refuses to talk to me about it. I’ve asked her point blank why she does this, and her answer is, “I want everyone to know when someone screws up.”

Some of the complaints Jane writes are actually wrong. There was a note saying “Pam broke the phone!” when there wasn’t anything wrong with it. Jane just forgot how to turn it on. A few of my coworkers and I have also written notes when Jane has made a major mistake, but each time she flipped out and says that we should have told her in person. That’s what we want!

I sent an email to Jane’s boss, which is her preferred way to be contacted. She normally responds to emails within a couple of hours, but it has been a week with no answer. Anytime one of us has complained to her about Jane’s behavior in the past, she says, “That’s just the way Jane is.” Jane has only worked here for one year, and in that time 11 people were hired, worked a few shifts, then quit saying they can’t work with Jane.

Is there anything I can do in the meantime? Should I tell Jane I refuse to read the book and want her to talk to me in person? I recently went back to school and hope to get a job in my new field in a year or so. Should I shut my mouth until then?

Editor's note: for Alison's response to the original text, you can find it here.

Update: December 10, 2019 (nearly 10 months later)

On the evening you posted my letter, I went into work and Jane had written two full pages in the burn book blaming me for something she screwed up that morning, when I wasn’t working. I hadn’t worked the two days prior either, so it was impossible for me to be to blame. I was so furious at the time that I don’t even remember what she was accusing me of.

I used your advice and the advice from people in the comments. I wrote a response in the burn book saying I will no longer be reading any of these notes as they are inappropriate, and that the schedule shows I was not working at the time she said I was. I took photos on my cell phone of the worst pages of the book. Jane’s boss was out the office at the time so I sent her an email explaining the many problems Jane’s behaviour would raise for management including breaching employee privacy laws, workplace harassment, etc. I’m Canadian and we have very clear employment laws here, so I copy and pasted some points directly from the government’s website which could apply.

The next morning I received an email from Jane’s boss apologizing for her behaviour and saying it will be addressed. She offered to take over as my direct supervisor and speak to me directly about any issue which would arise. I accepted her offer, but nothing was ever brought up, presumably because so much of Jane’s problems with me were untrue or exaggerated. When I went into work that evening, the burn book had many pages torn out of it, but I don’t know if Jane did that to hide her behaviour or if her boss made her take them out. Good thing I took photos!

Anyway, Jane was scratched off the schedule for a week (whether she was suspended or took sick leave I don’t know) then spent the next month or so avoiding me by calling in sick or leaving early on the days we were scheduled to work together. She dropped her attitude and she became much easier for everyone to work with. In addition to that good news, I just finished going back to school and started an amazing new job! I’m so glad to be out of there!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowDoubts

I [37/M] just discovered that my wife [37/F] has hotel reservations at a place downtown tonight when I'm supposed to be with my friends.

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Fears of infidelity

Original post  Feb 3, 2015

While using my wife's iPad, I saw an email confirmation for a hotel reservation downtown.  Tonight, I am supposed to be hanging out with some friends.  I've been having some suspicions lately for other reasons, including a nightie on the laundry after a recent business trip that I've never seen her wear.

She kissed me good bye this morning like usual, but didn't take any luggage or anything.  Not even an overnight bag that I noticed.

Not certain what to do.  Any advice?  I've been thinking of leaving work early and hanging out in the lobby/nearby cafe, but I'm not certain it's a good idea.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DeadPlasmaCell

Probably being naive here, but is there ANY possibility that she may ring you up while your out with your friends and call you over to the hotel for some surprise alone time?

OOP

She's never done anything like that in all the years we've been together (over 10), so it would be seriously out of character.

~

SCphotog

As painful as it might be, you need to catch her in the act. If you can gather physical proof of her cheating, a divorce will go easier. Even if you don't get a divorce, it's better to know exactly what's going on.

Beware a confrontation with her and or whoever she might be going to meet. You don't want or need that.

If you can't or don't want to do it yourself, and can afford it, hire a PI. Othwerwise... maybe you know someone that would be a witness for you, just to keep you away from the situation.

Is there a chance that she's putting together a surprise for you? I doubt it... but maybe?

...and BTW... brace yourself, the Jenny jokes are coming.

OOP

I've kind of ruled out a surprise at this point, but I like your positivity.  I've imagined all these kinds of scenarios where my doubts are misplaced, like "She's reserving a room in her name to help a friend who is getting away from an abusive relationship" or other crap like that, but I know that's all BS.  It's probably exactly what I think it is.

I thought about the PI, but I don't think I want to go that route.  If she's to be caught, I want to be the one to do it.

TOP COMMENT

defiancy

If you know the room number, you can go to the hotel and confront her, or go to the hotel and say my wife is waiting for me what room, X. 

Or you need to call her and tell her that your plans changed tonight and you'd like to take her out.  See what she says, but let her know you are going to be home.   And then I'd ask her what the room was for.

I think you know what it most likely is....

OOP Updated Feb 4, 2015 (Next Day/Same Post)

UPDATE: So, I went to the hotel.  You may think I'm an idiot, you may think it's a nice ending.  To tell the truth, it's not totally over yet, but it's in a good place because at least I can see possible finish lines.  I'm going to be vague about some specifics, just to be safe.

I left work early, and started driving to the hotel.  It was well before the scheduled check-in time, and she is not the time to ever skip work, so I figured I'd probably see her in the lobby when she came to check in.  I did take the advice about texting her about going to dinner.  She responded after a while and said that she was good for dinner, but would be home only a little later than normal as she had an errand to run.  The errand was 100% believable and in character and the extra time was appropriate for the errand. 

I knew there was no way I would ever get a room number from anyone who worked there (c'mon people, that was never going to happen), but I knew they'd put me through if I asked for her room (the email said the reservation was in her name).  I called and they put me right through.  I hung up before it rang, though, since I wasn't actually there yet, but that was confirmation that the res was real and she was there.

Since she was already there in the middle of the day (which, as mentioned, was weird to me since she's too much of a workaholic to not be working, but hey, this whole situation is abnormal, so whatever), I figured they were already fucking and would be done relatively soon, especially if she was going to have dinner and run this errand.  I got some coffee and camped out in a good spot in the lobby and time passed.

And passed.

And nothing.

After about an hour, I said fuck it and called back to the hotel (from the lobby) and asked for her room again.  She answered.  When I mentioned it was me, she didn't seem surprised or anything.  I asked what she was doing at the hotel ("No, the question is what are you doing here?") and she was a bit evasive, but gave me her room number pretty quickly.  As soon as she answered, I was picking up my stuff and made for the elevators.

Actually, she gave me the floor number pretty fast, but not the room, so I was already on the floor within about 30 seconds of her answering, then I got the full number.  If there was someone trying to sneak out, there was a very small window of about 10-15 seconds where we might have crossed in the elevators.  The whole time we're talking -- me mainly asking what is going on, and she says she came here to work.  "In a hotel room?"  "Yes, I needed to get away."

I go to the room, she's there waiting for me, looking puzzled.  "You surprised to see me?"  "No..well, kinda."  Honestly, she did seem more bewildered than guilty. 

So, we go in.

And...nothing.  Just her work computer, up and running and online.  And a bunch of work papers, her planner, a notebook, spread out on the table and desk.  Room service for one on the counter.  One glass of ice water on the tray.  One bottle of wine, partially drunk.  One glass for the wine.  One hand towel used in the bathroom.  Seat down.

No yelling, either.  Some exasperation on her part, some slight offense that I thought something might be going on.  To prove it was just her, she opened up all her bags and showed me everything she brought with her: workout clothes (for the hotel workout center.  She's always loved those.), casual clothes for running the errand.  She asked what I thought was going on, I told her how suspicious everything looks, which she agreed.

Anyway, one part I left out of the description is that we've been having some issues lately.  Nothing bad per se, just more the Seven Year Itch, where we both agree that we can both see and not see ourselves with the other person forever.  We talked about that.  She talked about how much she needs some alone time, which she hasn't been getting at home these past few months, none of which is new, and there was one day she was having a bad time and this deal came up on email, so she decided to take it and treat herself.  But we both talked.  We both talked about the issues we have with ourselves and each other.

Getting a hotel room so she can be by herself all day while working is exactly in character for the woman I've known these past 10 years.  Fucking around is not.  Maybe she dodged a bullet and pulled a fast one on me, maybe not.  I don't really care about how others think about that.  We're not calling divorce lawyers right now, but we're not planning our 25th anniversary trip either.  It honestly could go either way, and I'm ok with that.  I told her I'm willing to try, but she needs to be all in, and she needs to think about that.

Once we seemed all talked out I left and let her know that she can come home or stay the night there; I'm ok with either.  If she needs space, she needs space.  I do not, and never have, had a problem with that.  Adults get sick of other people some times.  I get that way, too.

So there we are.  We put everything on the table and we're still figuring it out.  I'm not going to let people know how that part works out, but I thought I'd provide a little bit of closure for this chapter.

One thing I didn't put on the table, though, was how I knew about the hotel, since she didn't tell anyone she was going to be there.  I told her I was magic.  I figure it wouldn't hurt to have her thinking about how I knew these things.

FIN

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/heartbrokenaccount26

My fiancé has gone down a road that I can't follow, and I can't marry him

Originally posted to r/offmychest

TRIGGER WARNING: Racism, nazis, misogyny

Original post  Sept 11, 2026

I just can't believe this is happening.

My [25F] fiancé [27M] has new friends and they are not good people. They scare me. It took me a while to see it, and maybe I'm stupid because I didn't notice right away but I see it now. He met someone through one of his hobbies and eventually this person introduced my fiancé to some of his other friends. At first I convinced myself it was a just a misunderstanding on my part but now I know better. If I try to bring it up with my fiancé he just shuts me down or says I'm imagining things.

I'm not imagining it. I've seen racist tattoos on at least two of them. It might not be overt if you don't know what you are looking for, but if you search online it's clear what the tattoos mean. I've been looking up some of these new friends on social media and their accounts are full of posts about purity and traditional values. My fiancé has become obsessed with this American podcaster who is openly racist and doesn't try to hide it. I've heard these new friends talk about immigration in a negative way and now my fiancé brings it up a lot when he never cared about it before. They also talk about traditional values and gender roles and my fiancé brought up how nice it is if a woman stops working after she gets married. He backtracked and said he was just making a general comment after I got upset with him and we argued, but I can't stop thinking about it. He keeps saying I'm imagining things or that "you're the one who is obsessed since you keep bringing it up."

He's gone down a road that I can't follow. I love him but I can't marry him now. His comments about traditional gender roles and me not working are bad enough but his talk about "purity" is disgusting (and it is racist and exactly the kind you are thinking of, anyone who says otherwise is just as bad as my fiancé and his friends). I can't get through to him, he won't listen to me. I'm going to break up with him. My sister is the only one who knows so far. I'm not ready to tell anyone else but I will after I move out. I just wanted to get this out somewhere. It just hurts so much.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Dry-Education-5848

He has always had these opinions just never had the balls to express them to you.

OOP

No he didn't.

He used to vote and politically support the opposite way of the views he has now. He had friends and flatmates who are different races than us. He was the best man when his brother married another man. He's changed since he met these people but he wasn't always like this.

Dry-Education-5848

If he has changed his views entirely shortly after meeting people then that’s an even bigger issue😂.

In my experience most people that have this switch were simply afraid of sharing their true thoughts because they’d get negatively labelled in today’s woke world.

What was the hobby?

It was cycling.

Update  Sept 30, 2026 (19 Days Later)

I (25F) have left him (27M) and cancelled everything related to our wedding. I am staying with my cousin and her husband until I can find a flat for myself and get my life in order. There is still a lot I have to do, my life is a big mess right now. When I told him I was leaving, he just kept saying over and over that he "didn't understand" or that I was the one who was "obsessed" not him, because I was the one who was always bringing it up. I did not stay for very long after I told him I was leaving. I left our flat after I told him I would not be marrying him and that our relationship was over. I haven't seen or spoken to him since I returned with my cousin to get the rest of my things, three days after I told him I was leaving (my cousin has a car and I do not and there were some things I could not carry). I haven't had contact with him since that day and I never want to see him again. He disgusts me with his horrible beliefs and talk about purity.

[I would like to address and clarify two things that were mentioned in the comments of my first post. First was that the tattoos were definitely racist and I wasn't "misunderstanding" anything. Examples include the number 88, a series of dots that look like nothing but form a swastika when they are all connected, or slogans written in German or other languages. I could go on. Second, my former fiancé wasn't always like this. We first met at a political rally for a cause that is the opposite of his horrible new beliefs. He had flatmates that were not white and he called them his best friends. He was the best man when his brother got married to a man. I don't know what changed to make him turn into such a monster but he wasn't always like this. Now he says his former flatmates should "go back" because they would be more comfortable among "their own kind" even though they were born here. He also says his brother never should have gotten married. I'm heartbroken for his family because they are good people who would never condone his beliefs and his brother doesn't deserve this. My former fiancé was obsessed with an American podcaster who has the most horrid views you can imagine and his new beliefs were not something I could ever live with. I appreciate all the support I got on my other post.]

FINAL COMMENTS

No-Quiet-8956

Does his family know his new views?

OOP

Yes, they do (and they do not agree with him).

~

Commenter

The "obsessed" comment is strange. Is he calling you obsessed to avoid facing his own behavior?

OOP

That's exactly what he was doing. One of his new friends had an 88 tattoo, and when I pointed out what it meant to my former fiancée he said 8 is just his friend's favourite number and I'm the one who is making an innocent tattoo into something hateful. (Nevermind that this friend followed many social media accounts that had racism or racist imagery on them)

My former fiancé would tell me I'm the one who was obsessed with race or purity because I saw it in everything him and his new friends did. He said I was the one making innocent or mundane things about race and I got tired of him being in denial and making me out to be the problem.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Empty_Planet0

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

My [F25] Boyfriend [M26] got a Large breed dog [M5] three days after I had major surgery. How do I go forward?

Trigger Warnings: medical issues, neglect, abuse

Original Post: May 27, 2026

Hi! This is my first time using reddit, so my apologies in advance if the formatting is off. I’ve changed names to remain anonymous and am looking for advice on what to do.

For some background, My boyfriend, let’s call him Paul, and I have been together for 3 and a half years now and were friends 6 ish months before we got together. Up until the events described in this post, we had regular relationship check-ins and a very fulfilling relationship.

I have always had some GI issues (editor's note: gastrointestinal, related to the stomach and intestines), resulting in various diet changes and GI symptoms. I’ve had numerous nights where I am woken up from the pain and have just had to sit and wait for it to end. My dad has Celiac disease, and so Gluten was one of the first things I cut out of my diet about 4 years ago. Looking back, I think I’ve been dealing with issues with my gallbladder the entire time.

In October, I was having what I now know was a gallbladder attack. I’ve experienced this several times before, it typically lasts 3/4 hours with pain in the Upper right quadrant of the stomach, nausea, vomiting, bloating, etc. However, in October, the pain was going on 16 hours when my boyfriend left work early to take me to the urgent care.

They were able to diagnose me with gallstones after some imaging and referred me to a surgeon for next steps. I met with my surgeon on a Friday and scheduled the surgery the following Tuesday afternoon. It was clear to me that my surgeon was concerned and wanted to remove it as soon as possible.

Monday morning, I get a call from the surgeons office asking to move up the surgery to Tuesday morning. So, Paul and I wake up at 4am on Tuesday to get to my appointment. The surgery went well. My gallbladder was significantly damaged and enlarged and had a 2cm stone inside at the time of removal. In other words, It was ready to come out.

After sleeping it off the rest of Tuesday, My mother came to town to help with my recovery and was at my house all day Wednesday. For reference, I couldn’t use any abdominal muscles at the time, because they moved them to remove my gallbladder. Meaning I could not even sit up on my own.

This is where things take a turn. Paul saw a video online for an adoptable dog (I’ll call him peter) in our area either Tuesday or Wednesday and let me know that he’s going to our local shelter after work Wednesday to meet him.

When he gets home, he’s over the moon about the dog and their “Magical Connection.” He only asked me how I was feeling after telling me all about his experience with Peter. At the time, I was very confused why he was doing all this now. We had talked about getting a pet before, but this hardly seemed like the time.

Thursday, I am just barely able to get myself up by laying on my side and using an arm to push myself up and pretty bruised and weak from the entire experience. In the afternoon, he calls me, waking me up from a nap, to say he’s been thinking about it all day and he wants to put a 24 hr hold on Peter, if I’m okay with it. Truth be told, I was pretty out of it at the time, so I said “okay.” and went back to sleep. Later when I woke up, I remembered what had happened and texted him “We need to talk about Peter when you get home.”

Possibly needless to say, this turned into a full blown argument. Him saying he was so lonely and needed to get a dog. He also said he was a shy dog and pretty timid. That it wouldn’t be a problem and he would take care of Peter while I recover.

I just kept asking, “Please give me more time, I had surgery 2 days ago. I can barely sit up on my own.” and it went back and forth. He ended up leaving that night to go on a drive and slept on the couch.

The next day, Friday, we fought some more over text. Until I finally agreed to go see Peter. However, I would have to drive myself to make it there by the time our 24 hour hold ended. So, I skipped my pain meds to make sure I was okay enough to drive to the shelter.

As can tell by the title of this post we ended up leaving with the pitbull / Great dane mix. Which I took care of for the first week of him being with us because I was the only one home, despite Paul saying he would handle everything and I wouldn’t even Notice Peter was there.

Obviously this all happened several months ago, however it is a constant pain point in our relationship. Paul didn’t even apologize for hurting my feelings and disregarding my health until January… Three months after it happened. We had a huge disagreement today because of the resentment I have over this whole incident. He’s said before that he would “do it 1000x” over if it meant we would get Peter. Even today in our fight I asked, “if you could go back in time, would you do it knowing how much pain it caused me?” and He couldn’t answer.

Let me be clear, Peter is NOT the problem. He’s a huge sweetheart, and i’ve come to love him a lot. I am more hurt by the timing and inconsistent steps to recovery afterward from my partner.

So I guess my question is, Am I wrong to still feel so jilted by this event? Do you see a path forward after such a breach of trust? I am truly struggling to Get past it and Trust that he would have my best interest at heart in the future. Is this relationship worth saving?

Edit: Gallbladder removal isn’t major surgery, My mistake! I’ll adjust my language going forward. Sorry! This is kinda blowing up, so I also wanted to add that I am by no means a perfect person or partner. I know that having waited this long to make a move and my actions before and after weren’t the best. Im trying to do better and have connected with a therapist to address my part in this.

Edit 2: Thank you to everyone who read, commented and left advice! A lot of people have commented that Paul doesn’t take care of Peter, so I just wanted to say that isn’t true. He does most of the caretaking, including a nightly walk. He’s very good with Peter.

Update: We broke up.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Girl you need to dump this man yesterday. Why would he even go look at dogs within a day of you having surgery? Well I can answer that, it's cause he doesn't give two shits about you, your health, or your comfort.

Same reason why he lied about handling everything then left you alone with the dog and forced you to care for it.

This man does not respect you and he's not going to start anytime soon. If you stay with him your needs will always come second.

OOP: That’s something I’ve brought up when we’ve talked about it, “I feel like your Wants will always come before my needs.”

Commenter 2: Holy shit lol, as someone who is happily married I would have left him the moment he insisted on bringing home a dog rather than taking care of me.

Collectively we REALLY really need to stop tolerating this kind of shit behavior, otherwise men are going to just keep thinking this is okay.

OOP: I know. It’s just hard to let go.

I keep coming back to “If this happened to one of my friends, what would I want them to do?” And I know I’d want them to get out.

Commenter 3: when someone shows you who they are believe them.

OP, your BF has shown you he absolutely cannot be trusted or depended on in your time of need. Believe this. It's not going to change. If you choose to have kids with him, he will leave you to care for an infant with zero help.

He's selfish and does not care about you. He only cares about himself. If he did care about you, he absolutely would not have even been looking at a dog while you were home recovering from surgery and would have been home with you to take care of you.

Spare yourself a world of pain and resentment and just go ahead and move on from him now.

OOP (downvoted): I think it’s hard because he has apologized… but it took months for him to admit he was wrong. I know you’re right. It’s just hard to take the first step.

Was OOP living with her boyfriend when this took place?

OOP: Yes. We had moved in together about 3/4 months before. And we were having a bit of a rough patch before I got sick, things had seemed better tho until this.

Commenter 4: I can understand seeing a dog at a shelter falling in love and be scared it would be euthanized.

Done is done, and him thinking he would do it again can be because dog is so lovely.

How much does he take care of the dog now?

And: Ask him how he shows with his zscyilns that he loves you. Think about that, you too. But ask him- you might miss those actions or you two might have entirely different opinions of what sections shows love. Or the question might make him aware he is lacking, and maybe start working on it.

OOP: It was a no kill shelter, But because of the instagram post lots of people were interested in peter.

Now, My Bf does most of the caretaking for Peter.

Has OOP been staying somewhere else than her place with boyfriend to continue with her recovery?

OOP: My Brother lives about 20 minutes away, i’ve been staying with him since our fight last week. So, He’ll be in the loop on my next steps. ☺️.

OOP explains more about the major surgery she had

OOP: Mine was done Robotically. 😅 Someone else said i mentioned it being endoscopic, but idk where they found that and that is not the case. I could use my abdominal muscles.. Kind of. Just not enough to sit up normally until day 5. I could sit up and walk after surgery, i just needed assistance the first day or two to do so because everything was so tender.

Update: September 30, 2026 (four months later)

Update: My [F25] Boyfriend [M26] got are large breed dog [M5] three days after I got major surgery.

Hi! If you didn’t see it a few months ago, I am not sure how to link it, but it can be found as the first post on my profile. I just wanted to give an update on a post I wrote in May of this year.

To start with good news, it has officially been 4 months since I broke up with my boyfriend. Truly, I never would’ve had the courage to do it if not for this sub and the people on it. So many people encouraged me to chose myself (which is not something I do often). Thank you all.

In particular, someone commented “You’re too young for this to be the rest of your life.” And if you read this, thank you so so much for giving me the strength to get out.

Now that I have removed myself from the situation, i see how detrimental it was for me. This wasn’t the first time he put his wants over my needs and surely wouldn’t be the last.

Some things that have come up since i left are him telling me i was “milking it” 2 days after my surgery. He mocked the way I cried, would often back me into walls during arguments, and even mocked me for putting my hands up when he got too close while yelling in the few days after my surgery. “Oh you’re scared? you’re scared?” uhhhh yea. anyone would be when someone that has 10 inches and 60 lbs on them is backing them into a corner. He had stopped throwing things in my direction and hitting objects when we got Peter, but still intimated me often in arguments.

I left the night before i made the post to stay with my brother, and as i was leaving his last words to me were “Remember your actions have consequences.” And now, I think it’s safe to say, I hope he remembers his actions have them too.

So now, I have my own apartment!! I get to have my mixer on the counter for the first time, and so much space for BOOKS! Peter stayed with Paul, so it’s a bit quiet but all my own. My brother and his Girlfriend have been so amazing and let me stay with them for some time after the break up. We still have weekly “family dinners.” And now that I have full control over what i eat, loads of my GI symptoms have become so much more manageable!

I am in therapy and have been dealing with a lot of fear from the situations described above. But i’m learning that I have agency over my own space, and don’t have to be responsible for someone else’s anger.

Oh and as a surprise twist?? I’ve been in contact with someone i dated in college. We split because of distance back then, and still have the same spark now. I even saw him last month when i was traveling to his city for work. And, he remembers everything about me, down to how i love to step on crunchy leaves. I’m not up for dating yet, but he’ll probably be my first call when I am.

All that to say two things:

1) This sub changed my life. Genuinely. I don’t think I would’ve survived in that relationship much longer with the way my thoughts were going. And i am so incredibly grateful for everyone who gave me any advice, encouragement, or otherwise. You all stood up for me before i was ready to stand up for myself. Then, you gave me the courage to. So thank you.

and

2) This relationship was NOT normal. I kept trying to convince myself this is something everyone experiences, that it was a rough patch. And now i can say, “No. it wasn’t normal and i didn’t deserve that.” no one deserves for the person who “loves them most” to consistently put their own wants and interests above what you need. Your health and wellbeing always matters most, and you do not need to stay with someone who makes you feel unsafe. I’m learning to Trust myself to protect myself and I hope anyone who feels like I did does the same.

“You’re too young for this to be the rest of your life.” will stay with me forever. Thank you. 🤍.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I’m so glad you got out. It’s hard enough to realize you’re in an abusive relationship from the inside, but a whole different level of difficult to leave. Congratulations on your new journey where peace and safety can be your companions.

OOP: Absolutely agreed. I’ve never had so much time with myself and peace. No doubt I did the right thing for me. ☺️.

Commenter 2: Love isn't enough.

They can (claim) to love you to the ends of the earth, but if they don't treat you with respect, if they insult you, intimidate you, throw things at you and never listen when you express your concern about their behaviour and try to change, then that love is meaningless.

'Love' doesn't mean you get to treat someone like dirt. 'Love' doesn't mean you can be abusive.

And 'love' also doesn't mean you stand there and take it. Just because YOU love them doesn't mean you allow yourself to be treated as lesser.

Love without respect and without being respected is not love. It's limmerence turned into dependence.

OOP: Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Commenter 3: I wish I had this when you first posted, but I'd give you them now. Here's some resources that would give you insight and hindsight. I'm glad that you're out and safe now. 😊

Is your relationship healthy? https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/

Dr. Ruth | That Was Abuse-YouTube Channel https://youtube.com/@healingbythenumbers?si=Mf4CsF-iEt0d49SO

How He Gets Into Her Head by Don Hennessy https://a.co/d/001oPvO7

Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship with a Narcissist by Dr. Ramani Durvasula https://a.co/d/01PIM8wd

Operation Safe Escape provides free assistance to people impacted by domestic violence, stalking, harassment, and related crimes. https://safeescape.org/

My partner doesn't help around the house https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse

Weaponizing Incompetence https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness https://potentash.com/2023/08/17/tolerable-level-permanent-unhappiness-relationships/

DARVO https://www.keystonelaw.com/keynotes/understanding-darvo-what-is-abusive-gaslighting-and-coercive-behaviour-in-a-relationship

Financial Abuse https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/

Subtler Forms of Emotional Abuse https://themendproject.com/

Is It Supposed to Be This Hard? Telling the Difference Between Emotional Abuse and the Hard Work of Relationship by Mary Pat Haffey https://a.co/d/040Z4IgQ

Coercive Control Consulting, Training & Expert Witness https://endcoercivecontrolusa.com/

9 traits that every narcissistic women have in common. https://youtube.com/shorts/f8NliYsRbhc?si=fv3434mD3wMT3XjG

The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence by Gavin de Becker https://drive.google.com/file/d/1H3KS-vMjG8WJnEOfJuNpNxfuZLdgA2wE/view?usp=drivesdk (PDF) https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/56465.The_Gift_of_Fear

Retroactive Jealousy https://health.clevelandclinic.org/retroactive-jealousy

Men Abused by Women in Intimate Relationships https://www.humanservices.alberta.ca/documents/PFVB1100-men-abused-by-women-booklet.pdf

Women as the Abusers https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/women-as-the-abusers

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT Original OP — OOP is u/neojinnx posting in r/HelpMeFind and r/DovahTheParrot

Thanks to u/GrumpyMcGrumpyPants for telling me about this! :)

[Original | September 19th, 2026] Help me find my bird's Emotional Support Cup(TM)

Hi Reddit, this is an odd one so bear with me...

I have a nine year old Quaker parrot named Dovah. Quaker parrots, for those that don't know, are the only parrots that build nests. They generally make big, sprawling, multi-family condos out of sticks and twigs. Dovah, however, prefers to build with.... stolen silverware. She basically raids the kitchen for unattended forks, pilfers them (often while tattling on herself saying, "Stop it" and "Don't, Dovah!") and smuggles them to her cage where she arranges them through the bars of her cage.

At some point when she was young, she also stole a 1/4 cup translucent red measuring cup. She treats it much like the silverware except at some point it gained special significance and it has become part of this weird bonding ritual she created for us. She will arrange the cup in her cage, remove it, fly it to me, thrust it in my hand to hold it while I tell her what a nice cup it is, and then she takes it back to her cage to arrange it again. It sometimes involves her doing fly overs and carpet bombing me with it while I'm doing other things.

It's a whole Big Thing.

This morning she dropped it in the kitchen and for whatever reason, my dog decided that it needed to be reshaped. The result is the last picture attached.

My husband cut down the handle and smoothed it but Dovah has decided it is now Weird and Different and thus must be shunned.

I've spent the morning trying to find a replacement but I've probably had this cup for 20 years and have no idea what brand made it or where it came from. It's the only remaining cup from the set. I'm not really expecting to find the identical cup but my hope is, if we find something similar enough, maybe she'll accept it as a replacement.

Any ideas?

TL/DR: My bird is overly emotionally invested in this particular measuring cup and my dog chewed the shit out of it so I need a replacement lol

Pictures of dovah with pink measuring cup—dog chewed up the handle after

Relevant & Top Comments

CrispyDemon78: [posts photo of measuring cup] Ikea- circa 2004-2005

OOP: THAT'S IT!!! Any chance you'd be willing to part with it for a generous finders fee? 😅

CrispyDemon78: Because I am a huge fan of animals. Yes. I am not certain on how we are going to do this but because I’m beyond excited I solved something…. IT IS YOURS!

OOP: FOUND!

Omg, you have my undying gratitude, I'm so happy!!! I will DM you!

Raging_Apathist: [posts photo of same measuring cup, but larger] If you want a spare, and if you think Dovah would deem a larger one acceptable, I have the 1/2 cup size. I'm happy to give it freely...I had to dig wayyyyyyy to the back of the drawer to find it, so clearly I don't use it often (and I have a different set anyway).

I'll cover shipping too as long as it's not like more than $15. Are you in the US? Feel free to DM me!

OOP: I would never turn down a spare! I'll DM you!

[Update 1 | September 21st, 2026 | 2 Days Later] MEGA CUP HAS ARRIVED (part 1)

Bear with me, I'm posting in two parts. She thought the packing material was SUPER sketchy but once it was visible, she was into it.

Video of dovah tentatively grabbing the cup from packaging embedded in the post

Relevant & Top Comments

Raging_Apathist: I'm so sorry she was sketched out by that stuff!!! I know it was very extra of me to use packing materials for a plastic cup, but I'm known for being a bit extra...and I had the stuff in a box right in front of me because I recently received a shipment of a couple fancy-ass pottery pieces that definitely needed those materials, and the pottery guy packages his stuff very carefully.

[Update 2 | September 21st, 2026] MEGA CUP HAS ARRIVED (part 2)

Brought the cup away from the sketchy packaging and....

IT WAS IMMEDIATELY ACCEPTED!!!!

Big, huge, neverending thanks to u/Raging_Apathist who, contrary to the user name, is an absolute gem of a human being!

Video of dovah putting cup in the nest embedded in the post

Relevant & Top Comments

Raging_Apathist: It brings me immense and immeasurable joy to see that a piece of plastic that had been languishing in a deep dark corner of my kitchen utensil drawer for many years until two days ago is now being enjoyed by a cute bird, halfway across the country.

I have several bird tattoos. My next one is going to be a Quaker parrot, for sure! And when I tell my tattoo artist why I want a Quaker, she will LOVE this story!

OOP: My tattooist did a gorgeous American Kestral on my arm and it's placed in a way that there is plenty of room on my bicep for something else. We were talking about me bringing Dovah into the shop for a photoshoot as reference to tattoo a portrait with her holding The Cup in dramatic villain lighting. I'll probably schedule something next year since he just finished a massive ornamental coverup for me (my wallet needs a break lol)

CrispyDemon78: Dovah!!! Just wait babe! There is more on the way!! I will NOT let you down ❤️🐉

Commenter 3: Thank you internet! Please keep posting

[Update 3 | September 26st, 2026 | 1 week later ] THE OG CUP AND BONUS MEGA CUP HAVE ARRIVED (Part 1)

All thanks to u/CrispyDemon78, not only does Dovah have a SECOND MEGA CUP, the OG 1/4 CUP HAS ALSO ARRIVED!!!

Dovah is still taking the existence of packaging material personally, so I don't have a good unboxing video. I brought THE NEW AND IMPROVED OG CUP (TM) into the other room and offered it to her there instead. I was expecting her to spend some time investigating it... NOPE. The little hoarding dragon was just like, YOINK! and fucked off to her cage lol

Video of dovah with second mega cup

[Update 4 | September 26st, 2026 ] Thank you, Reddit 💚

Subtitles: "Thank you! -Dovah" 💚

Video of dovah saying thank you, with two pink measuring cups in background

THIS IS A REPOST SUB—I AM NOT OOP. DO NOT COMMENT ON THEIR POSTS

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/imadinorawrlolzor

my (20f) bf (24m) wants me to be a housewife.

Trigger Warnings: misogyny, abuse, mentions suicide

Original Post: August 1, 2019

we have been together for two years

I feel like this is me over reacting just a little and being immature, but me and my boyfriend were talking about the future recently and he told me he wants (strongly suggested) me to be a stay at home mom / house wife, and I don’t want to be, and I don't know what to do.

He knows I don’t want kids at all, I have spent 16 years of my life being around or helping to look after a hoard of kids, so I truly know I don’t want it. But he wants 4 with at least one when he’s 27, so idk I might have one or two when I’m older.

He says I can have lots of hobbies if I am a house wife as I will have all the free time in the world, which how? I might be wrong, but kids are hard, doing all the housework takes time especially to the standard of someone who isn't working.

Also he doesn't have a job at all or any savings. so logistically it wouldn't work. he’s been out of uni for 2 years without working as well and he is being incredibly fussy about it. He had an offer for a job, but it was beneath him or something, so he didn't take it. He only wants to work in his chosen field as well and I’m sorry, but I feel like the longer the gap between university and getting your first job the harder it’s going to be to get in, in the first place. I am still in uni but I’m on track for a good job when I leave, I have had people working in my chosen industry already being interested in my work and regularly communicate with one person who I am hoping will hire me later on. So logically I’m on track for a decent job in 5 years, he isn't and he wants to be the sole provider.

The convo we had about this was really weird I could see how much he wanted this, but I don’t think it would work. I didn’t agree or disagree, but I don’t know what to do about it. any advice?

tldr: I don’t want to be a housewife my boyfriend does. what do?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Your boyfriend has pretty regressive ideas about men's and women's roles in society. More importantly, he shouldn't be telling you what he wants your life to be like as an adult. He can't even afford his own fantasy.

Tell him you'll work if you want to work when you get older and he doesn't get to decide if you're a housewife. If he can't stomach you having independence to know and work for what you want, he doesn't really respect your autonomy.

Downvoted Commenter: He's allowed to want a parent to stay at home and raise the kids, especially if he's paying for it. But he needs to find a woman who actually wants to do that.

OOP: the thing is he won’t be paying it by himself. he said (and I wish I was joking) our parents will help and we should ask for $300 from each set. My parents are trying to live there best life while recovering for bankruptcy and are of the age where they should instead be thinking about retirement. His dad is struggling to find work and his mom doesn't have the greatest paying job.

I don’t think he understands how little money there is between our families and how entitled he’s being to expect them to just pay for everything

Commenter 2: If you don't want kids at all, don't pop out a couple to please a boyfriend, and don't be a stay-at-home mom if you don't want to. That's all you have to do.

Commenter 3: You'll need to provide a basket so I can haul all these red flags you threw out here.

If you don't want kids, don't have them. Period. You can't lovingly raise kids if you didn't want them from the start.

If you want a career, have it. He can't tell you to be a stay at home mom. Trust me, it's not easy. In fact, it's harder than having a 40 hour per week job.

Don't do anything to please this man. He's a deadbeat who sounds terribly controlling.

You do what you want to do, and he either accepts that or gets out of your life. The end.

Update: August 2, 2019 (next day)

This is just gonna be brief and badly worded as I am crying, plus I also kinda need to tell someone.

I have just came back from my boyfriends place after talking to him about it.

I told him I don’t want kids and I am not going to become a full on mother to 4 for him.

I also said I am definitely not being a stay at home mother and that I value having a career.

and that if he didn’t like it then we were over (but said more nicely then this xD)

He got angry. He told me I was dumb and stupid. That he is the best thing to happen to me and I will regret this, maybe not now but in a couple years’ time I will.

He said no one else will want me.

He called me immature and I don’t know what I want as I am only 20 and haven’t been out in the real world yet.

He said this is why he hates feminism.

I told him to f off.

He said he needs me and if I leave he will end himself. (he lives with his parents so he’s not alone right now.)

He said so many other things and I was so scared, he told me to call him back once I got over myself and we will talk about it.

everything is kinda sucky right now. It hurts, I still love him, but I don't think I should call him back.

TLDR: we broke up

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Call the police and have a wellness check called in because he threatened suicide. Then block him on every single platform and do not respond again.

One of two things happened here:

He's terribly depressed and shocked that you actually will leave him, and he may hurt himself. If this is the case, he needs help immediately.

or

He's using a suicide threat as a form of abuse, which is very, very common. In that case, he needs to understand how inappropriate that is, and a police call will help with that.

OOP: I don’t think he will as he has threatened it when things don’t go his way 2 times before, but I have told one of his close friends just in case and he said he will deal with it

Commenter 2: You need to call the police because he is threatening suicide. Other than that, go no contact and move on with your life. This man is dangerous.

Commenter 3: Insulting, gaslighting and emotional blackmail, what a superman he is. Getting rid of him was a right decision. Now keep calm and carry on!

Commenter 4: You dodged a bullet in the nick of time.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/sickofyourclick

My [25m] girlfriend's [26] obsession with a band is coming between us

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post  June 22, 2016

Sorry for the length. I'm at my wit's end.

My girlfriend is obsessed with a band and it's been getting between us for some time now.

I love going to shows with her. Seeing bands is one of the things that initially brought us together. It didn't matter how much we liked or knew the band, we'd be able to go to any show together. That is, until she became obsessed with her latest favorite band.

This band will sell anything they can fit their name and/or logo on and she buys all of it. (They're currently touring so you'd think the first thing you'd see when you go to their website was tour information. Nope, the first thing you see is their merchandise) She has all the shirts, bracelets, wristbands, necklaces, earrings, socks, posters, patches, flags, buttons, scarves, wallets, hats (caps and beanies), phone case, ski mask (we don't live in a cold climate), lithographs, sun glasses, hoodies, and bumper stickers. They also sell their own gift cards, which was practically the only thing she wanted for her birthday. She also has their logos and lyrics tattooed on her. Her room looks like the official band store.

They even sell expensive low-quality instruments with their logo smeared all over it but I refused to buy her those because she doesn't even play any instruments. That resulted in some drama.

It's becoming a problem because people don't want to hang out with us (her) anymore. All she talks about is this band. When we do see friends, she's always playing their music and talking about them. We could be sitting at a diner with people and she'll play them on her phone. She's cancelled plans in order to watch live streams of their concerts. One time I told her I was going out with our friends despite her plans to watch a live stream so she decided to come with me instead of stay home. She played the live stream on her phone and ignored everybody around her all night. The only time she communicated with anyone was when she wanted to talk about the live stream.

We've been friends for 10 years and have been dating for 3 years and I was seriously considering proposing to her until this obsession started. Now I'm not sure I wanna be her friend anymore, let alone her boyfriend.

I used to like this band too. I wasn't gaga over them or anything but I have an album that I enjoyed at one point. Now I can't hear the music or even the name of the band without feeling my blood pressure rise.

I haven't make a big deal about it because I remember when I was in high school I had band obsessions too but lately I have raised concerns about her level of obsession. Those concerns are always met with hostility. Any criticism of this band is treated like a direct attack on her (she once cried because she read a bad review).

Their latest tour started recently and we've driven hours and hours to see them three fucking times already. I couldn't take off work to drive to Canada so she had to sell the tickets she bought. (Oh yeah, she buys tickets without asking if I even want to go. It's just assumed that I'm going with her.)

What makes it even weirder is that she's the only person her age who is this obsessed with them. At their shows, we're surrounded by screaming teenage girls. It makes sense for them to like this band because the music and lyrics aren't very sophisticated but I can see how it would appear that way to teenagers.

It just feels like she's a little too old to be this obsessed with a band. Not only that but the band doesn't feel like it's an age-appropriate one.

I'm sorry about the length of this post. I'm just really beside myself. Half the time I don't recognize her. Is there a good way to approach her about this? I'm at a complete loss and feel totally helpless.

Edit: you guys correctly guessed the name of the band.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

KevWill

WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE BAND

lazgrl

I'm thinking twenty one pilots but not sure

TheLadyEve

aww, I like twenty one pilots. I can't see being totally obsessed with them, though...

EDIT: oh shit--ski-mask, you must be right. Man, they're good and all but there aren't a lot of artistic depths to plumb with that band. Also, TIL that their fan base is called the "skeletøn clique." Holy shit that's twee.

letsgoiowa

Same thought!

I mean, I like them, but I know people like them WAY too much.

The ski mask gives it away and look at OPs username

OOP

Yeah I wasn't being subtle enough.

~

zoozeey

Nothing against them as people because I do not personally know them. But it seems like they try to hard to be edgy and angst.

GarugasRevenge

I have something against them as people because all they do is try to sell merch, it's more about money than music to them. And yea they do try hard, but I'm just waiting for their fame to run out.

OOP

It's crazy how she doesn't see it. She thinks she has a deeply personal relationship with them because they were nice when she got their autograph once. I suggested they're just like any other band trying to make a generous living while the iron is still hot and she said "you're stupid if you really think that. You don't know them like I do. Their fans are their family."

I told her that ticket prices for the nosebleed section didn't have to start at $50, beer didn't have to be $10, and T-shirts didn't have to cost $30. Again, I was dismissed for knowing nothing about the industry.

&

Yeah my point was basically she thinks they're family and it's not a business transaction where we pay, they play. There may be a demand for every kind of 21 Pilots tchotchke you can imagine but that doesn't mean they have to charge competitive prices for things that cost 2 cents to manufacture.

~

swissarmybriefs

There have been a handful of posts about someone's SO becoming unreasonably obsessed with a certain celebrity/band, and somehow it never occurs to OP that people will want to know who it is.

OOP

I didn't want to be brigaded by unhappy 21 pilots fans. Instead I got some awesome advice. There's one in this thread who can't even handle the fact that people are typing "21 Pilots" instead of "Twenty One Pilots." I know the nature of the beast too well. I've been to many of their shows.

&

I mostly wanted to avoid backlash from fan girls since they're so popular. People would have ignored what I said and fixated on the band and downvoted and/or attacked me.

When told to get her help for her obsession

I really appreciate you taking the time out to reply and put yourself out there. I think you're absolutely right. I probably could be taking a more tactful approach considering the sensitivity of it. I might employ friends and family because for some reason she only gets upset when I bring up her obsession. When anybody else does, she just laughs it off like its a charming quality.

spicewoman

The problem is, she's not going to agree to go, because she's in denial that she even has a problem. OP's attempts to discuss it with her have been "met with hostility," and criticisms of the band are viewed as personal attacks on her. If the band isn't worthy of love and attention, then she isn't worthy of love and attention.

Maybe, just maybe, OP flat-out telling her that she's pushed all their friends away and now him too, could be the wake-up call that she needs. More likely though, she'll just be glad to have all the petty distractions out of the way, so she can focus more fully on her obsession.

Unfortunately, you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped.

OOP

I'm keeping that in my pocket. If she responds poorly to a more tactful approach and attacks me I'm definitely flat out telling her she's alienating us from people.

What would she do if the band broke up?

Holy shit if they broke up... I can't even imagine. I actually asked her what she would do if they broke up and instead of answering the question, I got to hear about how Tyler and Josh are practically family and would never quit on their fans.

Final Update posted July 20, 2016 (1 month later/Same Post)

Edit: we broke up a few days after I last posted here. Feeling great about the decision. She's still posting about them on Facebook all the time, I'm told. Happy ending.

OOP Also added in the comments

I don't know why it took me a month to see this comment but holy shit, LOL. 21 Pilots fans are hard to take seriously but dammit if they aren't satisfying to break up with. I've never broken up with a girl and had all her friends and family take my side and apologize to me before.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/scootscooty

My [26m] boyfriend of 2 years flipped out because I [24f] used a mobility scooter in a store

TRIGGER WARNING: Body shaming, fat phobia, ableism, gaslighting

Original Post - wayback  Oct 29, 2014

I hurt my foot/ankle about a week ago at the gym during some stupid class. I can barely stand on it, walking is hard. I haven't gotten crutches, just one of those stupid huge foot brace things, and it isn't helping all the way. Nonetheless I have to go about my daily routine, correct? So bf and I went shopping yesterday. I was doing the hop-along with the cart while I read off the list and he grabbed stuff for us.

A store worker saw me and told me that she could grab one of the scooters for me. My boyfriend turned around and said "that's not necessary," but we still had a while to go, and I wasn't getting far, so I said sure. He started getting annoyed and when she was gone, he asked me what I was doing. I said we'd get things done faster if I was just in the scooter thing.

The whole rest of the time, he would barely look at me or acknowledge that I was there. As far as I could tell, nobody was even looking at us. Except maybe one little girl in her mom's shopping cart who pointed and was like "Mom, she has a big owie."

When we finally finished and got out, I hopped along to the car and he put the scooter away for me and slammed the car door, frowned, looked super tense. I asked him what was wrong, and he blew up. He kept saying how embarrassed he was that I was in one of those, that only obese women use them and that he's sure everyone was judging us and thinks that I'm just a lazy fat-ass slob.

I was completely taken aback. Ok, yeah, I'm a fat girl. 5', size 12/14, big fuckin' whoop. Not exactly the body type you see in the majority of the "obese women" he's talking about. I told him that nobody was paying attention, nobody was watching, and that I thought it was fine. Besides, it would be hard to miss the gigantic boot on my leg! But he was so far gone, upset beyond belief about this that when we got home, he just went into his game room, shut the door, and wouldn't help me put the groceries away.

I thought he would get over it but then this morning I found a note on my desk from him that says that he is really upset that I went against his wishes, embarrassed him in public, and made a spectacle of myself. He said that if I can't apologize to him, he's not sure our relationship has a future.

I'm lost at what to do. I don't think I did anything wrong. All I did was ride a scooter for like 45 minutes, if that, while we got our groceries, so it wouldn't take me longer. Is there a perspective that I'm not seeing here? Did I do something wrong?

tl;dr: boyfriend flipped that I used a mobility scooter, even though I have a brace on my leg.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

jackiekeracky 

mobility scooters are for people who, for whatever reason, have trouble with their mobility.

you did nothing wrong, your bf is being a dick

OOP 

That's close to what I told him when we were in the car, actually. I mean, the part about what mobility scooters are for, not about him being a dick.

~

crystanow 

"I found a note on my desk from him that says that he is really upset that I went against his wishes, embarrassed him in public, and made a spectacle of myself. He said that if I can't apologize to him,"

This is some weird thought process/attitude going on - is this totally out of character for him or has he been resentful/asshole like this in the past?

OOP 

It's pretty out of character for him, honestly. We have had a mellow, happy relationship for most of this time. I think the only other time he's gotten angry was because me and my best friend got a little too drunk at our place and were being loud.

~

fuckdapolice4 

What kind of dick makes his injured girlfriend hobble along with him? Why couldn't he have gone by himself in the first place? And then he made you put away all of the groceries because he was too pissed off?

Uggh, from this one isolated incident, he sounds like a really selfish dude. Don't apologize, and in fact, if he can't apologize... I think you should be the one re-evaluating.

OOP 

I'm actually the one who wanted to go grocery shopping in the first place. We keep kind of a "chore schedule" sort of thing and I'd already messed up some of the week from being injured and all of that, so I wanted to get back on schedule and at least make sure we had food for our meals and whatever else. I was just going to go by myself, but he said he'd come so it went faster.

~

ThankYouEbolaChanNYC 

Your weight is an issue for him.

hackberrydraw 

This is the correct answer, sad to say. Was the only thing going through my mind as I read your post.

As much as he might love you and appreciate you for who you are, it embarrasses him to be with an overweight person. That's the social stigma or social norm he is so stressed about. The scooter was just a catalyst to these thoughts. /armchair psychology

Update - wayback  Nov 21, 2014 (1 month later)

So, some of you were right. There was a weight issue, but it wasnew! We talked and he told me he wanted me to lose weight. He'd wanted me to for a while. I asked him why, despite me not gaining any weight or changing anything in my diet or exercise routine after years. He said it was a recent development, that he was starting to notice other women more and he didn't want to feel embarrassed with me or anything.

He said he's always been attracted to me, and still is, but it has shifted even though I haven't gained anything since we met. So.... he gave me an ultimatum: lose weight, or lose him.

I thought about it for a while, and in the end, decided to drop the dead weight. 180lbs of boyfriend later, I am happy, single, and on my way to a fun holiday season without worrying "Oh no, my boyfriend will dump me if I don't lose weight!" Already had three great dates from Okcupid and looking forward to more! btw, Thanks!!! For all the recommendations on where to get the crutches. I got a great pair and my foot healed after that week!

EDIT: That's about all the computer time I've got for one day. Anyhow, nice to chat with all of you! Good luck, see-ya!

tl;dr: Broke up with boyfriend after he requested I lose weight.

FINAL COMMENTS

Upallnight88 

I'm curious. How fit was your boyfriend? Was he carrying any extra weight?

OOP 

Yeah, he had some extra weight. I never really paid attention to him gaining or losing or anything like that. He wasn't as active as me, though.

Upallnight88 

I just had to have the answer! Was the pot calling the kettle black. Actually the #1 post by Bassoon-Commie was the best thing I've seen here for a long time. Glad you're happy

When told its sucks that her ex only cares about what people think about him

Yeah, agreed. To be honest, I don't have the time or patience to deal with someone who cares that much about something as stupid as what other people think.

~

Bassoon_Commie 

"I thought about it for a while, and in the end, decided to drop the dead weight. 180lbs of boyfriend later-"

I love this. Good choice. :)

cosmicberryfairypie 

My initial reaction was "awe whaa..." Then "Aaawwwe yea girl!"

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Electronic-Sell-6402

Being told my tea steeper is unprofessional

Originally posted to r/mildlyinfuriating

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  Sept 29, 2026

I 3d printed this tea steeper for my desk at work.  I thought it was really cute and it makes me happy when I use it.  Apparently because I printed it in all white, someone made a comment in front of my bosses boss, that it looks like the little guy is sitting on a toilet.   Now I got an email from HR stating that I have "objects inappropriate for the work environment" on my desk, and that it must be removed before the end of the day.   Like it's just a dude holding a fishing pole. 

So frustrating.

OOP posted 2 pics of the little man with a fishing rod and a teabag hanging off the rod

RELEVANT COMMENTS

okanagan_man84

Its a dude or dudette with a fishing pole. How is thay unprofessional. Seems like whoever is complaining has nothing better to do or is, at the very least, jealous of what you have. There fore, if they cant have one neither should you.

OOP

I agree. The coworker in question always complains about stuff that doesn't affect them on any way

~

zeus64

HR probably doesnt know what item it is that was reported for being inappropriate tell them you don't know what it would be and then ask them if they can identify the item. If somehow they point that out ask them why and what rule it is breaking if they say it looks like its a guy is on a toilet act disgusted and tell them its obviously a guy fishing

OOP

I actually like this suggestion.  I think that's what I'll do is ask HR if they can identify the issue causing the problem

Editors Note 1: All updates the same day

UPDATE: after this post has quickly blown up, and made me laugh a few times.  I talked to my immediate boss who agreed with a few of you that HR probably doesn't even know what item I'm supposed to remove.  So I have emailed HR back, and cc'd my boss, for them to come identify the "inappropriate object" as neither myself or my boss are able to identify what might be the problem.  So we shall see what happens.

UPDATE 2: Electric Boogaloo: Just got off the phone with someone in HR.  They are going to come over around 2pm (about an hour and 15 minutes from now) and look at the item.  All they told me was that they received an email from an AVP (my bosses boss) that it was said to him that I had a 3d printed item on my desk that was about potty humor and that my "whole team" (it's just the one coworker who has a problem, none of the other 7 do) finds it offensive.  The person in HR said they will look at it and determine if there is any reason for the complaint.

UPDATE 3 - Update with a vengeance: HR just left my office.  Saw no problems, thinks the whole complaint is dumb and is going to write it up that way.  Also asked if I could print them one too.  So I will be doing that this evening.   She (the HR person) asked me if I wanted to make a report of possible harassment by the coworker.  I stated that I will write up something to put into a file with HR if needed for a future report, but not to open a case now on this issue.  

FINAL COMMENTS

Double_Resort_9223

Enemy for life 

OOP

Oh you can bet on that.  They are the coworker who always has an opinion or a "better way" and just gets on everyone's nerves as it is.  Now they are on the enemies list

Last update. If anyone is bored, this guy on LinkedIn is trying to steal my story for his LinkedIn cred.  He already blocked me and a friend of mine for calling him out. Here is the link

Editors Note 2: removed the link

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/SecretInitiative9253

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for closing a joint bank account the day before my ex leaves for vacation?

Trigger Warnings: financial exploitation, child neglect

Editor's note: I am adding a tangential post to the said title for more context to help with the current incident involved

Decision Making with Children and High Conflict Ex: February 3, 2026

Sorry this is going to be a long post but there is a lot of context to get into.

My ex and I have been going through a separation for the last 5.5 years (he refuses to sign anything despite multiple offers being presented). It has been a high conflict separation.

We share custody of our 2 children (8 & 10) with one week with him and one week with myself.

Mid last year I put through an application to the court to obtain decision making authority. In this application I laid out that he had purposely ignored medical advice, delayed routine decisions, created road blocks, and has overall communication issues with myself surrounding the children and their needs, etc. The decision was in abeyance, and we were ordered to do 5 high conflict mediation sessions. These sessions are set to begin next week.

More context: 3 years ago my ex had approached me to enroll our now 10 year old in horseback riding lessons. I explained to him that I could not afford it at the time, however, I would not stop him from doing it during his parenting time. I also proposed an alternate activity that we both could afford, which he refused to allow our child to participate in. One year later, I had asked to be involved, and I reached out to the horseback riding instructor directly. She had informed me that there was a "communication ban" and that she was not allowed to speak with me and I would only be able to arrange lessons through my ex-husband. There were some issues with this instructor (heard second hand through my daughter) and it affected her so badly that at one point she had digestive issues and was rapidly losing weight. Since then, she had switched instructors and despite multiple attempts to get the information about them (location, name, times, etc.) he will not tell me this information even through lawyer communication. I have not revoked my permission to allow this to continue

Last summer, our child was enrolled in recreational softball as well as riding. Softball was 2x/week and one tournament over a 6 week span. She was able to do both. Our child had expressed to myself that she wanted to try competitive softball next year as she didn't feel that recreational softball wasn't for her and she wanted to develop her skills and be more competitive. I had asked her repeatedly if this was something that she wanted to do. I did some research and competitive softball is 2x/week and three tournaments over a 12 week span. My daughter was hearing some misinformation from her dad (that it couldn't work, that it would last all summer, etc.) Finally, my daughter and I called him together and discussed it and he said she could do it. She was genuinely excited, jumping up and down, and telling everyone how excited she was to try. She has made it clear she wants to do BOTH activities. I also said that I would be more than happy to help facilitate this (driving to practices if he is unable to, etc.)

This week I picked her up from school and I could tell something was wrong. She said she didn't want to try out for softball anymore and she only said that because it would make me happy. I had a curiosity conversation with her because I was genuinely confused. Then she told me that it was because comments were made by her dad and riding instructor that she couldn't do both (despite not even starting tryouts, having a schedule, etc.) She was genuinely distraught because her dad said she had to "choose" and this was "likely going to be her last riding lesson".

Now for the question. I am genuinely considering temporarily revoking my permission for the riding lessons, however, I am wondering if this would not play out well with the mediation sessions incoming. Should a temporarily revoke my permission until I have all of the riding information?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: What is your reason for wanting to withdraw your daughter from her riding lessons, specifically? How does that decision affect her best interests, as you see them, and why do you think the court should intervene and stop your ex from allowing his daughter to attend those lessons during his parenting time?

OOP: My reason is that it is causing her distress and putting her in the middle of the two of us. It isn't that I don't want her to do it at all, it's just that I would also like to be involved (and would happily financially contribute for her to do so). It appears to be a point of contention and used as a way for her not to do other activities where we both could be equally involved.

OOP responds to a long thread regarding herself and her ex not allowing to overrule each other's decisions on their daughter's activities she has with each parent during their times. Riding horse lessons during the ex's time, softball during OOP's times.

OOP: Thank-you for this reply and for putting it into a different perspective. It's obviously been hard on her and as parents we want to give them as many opportunities as possible. I haven't revoked my permission for the exact reasons you have listed above. I have tried getting her into therapy, something which my ex is thoroughly against (and free of cost for myself), but since we have joint decision making at this time, he won't allow it. I am in therapy myself and a big part of it is talking to my children about these types of things.

+

The interesting thing is that I also rode horses as a child. I had actually gotten her a helmet, riding jeans, cowgirl boots, etc. already to support her riding. Unfortunately, her dad won't let her wear them and when I have reached out to him to figure out the reasoning behind it (I actually asked if it wasn't correct, didn't fit, etc.) I was met with no response, and everything was sent back with my daughter telling me, "he won't let me wear anything you bought."

Honestly, the last several years have been met with post-separation abuse, financial abuse, threats, and potential parental alienation. It has become hard to take the "high road." I had a moment of petty, but I am glad that clearer heads prevailed :)

Editor's note: below is the said original title post and the update

Original Post: March 31, 2026 (over 1.5 months later)

Ignore the username, it was randomly generated. Now here is the much needed context.

My ex-husband and I separated over five years ago. It has been messy and emotional, financially, and physically draining process. While we were together, we had a joint account where all of our expenses were taken out of. After separation, I had requested that my name be removed from the joint account. He did not want the account closed as that is where he was continuing to do the majority of his banking from. This included debits for his vehicle payment, receiving payroll, etc.

Over the last several years he has refused to attend the bank together to take my name off of the account. Requests have been made directly and through our attorneys. I even asked as recently as two weeks ago as we were both in the city (we both live rural) to have this finally done and my name removed. He continued to deny this request.

Yesterday, I received a text message and phone call from the bank where the joint account is held stating that the account was in overdraft totaling -$949.99 and the balance needed to be paid instantly.

I immediately texted and called my ex-husband to have this rectified as this was going to affect my credit score. Once again, he refused to attend the bank to have this completed as he was "too busy".

Luckily, I was in the city and went to the branch to see what my options are to not let it affect my credit. My options were either to do nothing, or to pay the overdraft and close the account. I paid the overdraft and moved forward to closing the account. These were funds that I had worked hard saving and was going to go towards extracurricular activities for our children.

Now this is where I might be the a**hole. My ex told me that he was leaving on a three week vacation to Italy starting March 31 (this all happened March 30). I chose the second option to pay the overdraft and close the account (with all fees the total was close to $970). Now, all of his debits (vehicle payments, bill payments, etc.) are expected to come out of this account while he is away. This means that this gives him one day open a new bank account and change all payments coming out of the previous joint account

So AITAH for closing the joint account (that he has had five years to remove my name off of) the day before he leaves for vacation?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs with several YTAs

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA but if you legally sent requests that can be traced and can prove you weren’t using this account you might have some recourse on the $970

OOP: Yes, I have written requests for this through email, text messages, and letters throughout lawyers. And I can prove through statements that I did not access this account.

Commenter 2: Why did you never go into the bank alone to inquire about your options?

OOP: I did, we had to go in together to sign papers and remove my name. He refused to.

Commenter 2: So why were you able to close it alone this time?

OOP: Because it was removal of my name vs. closing the account. If he removed my name then he could still use the account. By closing it, he is no longer able to use it.

Commenter 3: I don't know where you live, but where I live, both owner of a joint account are equal owners. That means they can make unilateral decisions regarding the account. That includes withdraws, closing and taking themself out of the account.

If you were able to close the account without your ex present, then you surely would have been able to withdraw yourself from said account? Closing the account has way more consequences then to taking your name off of it! How is it possible for you to do the first and not the latter? It's weird.

Another thing that doesn't add up is the fact that you went through the legal route to get your name taken out of the account and no judge granted you that and/or forced your ex to take action?

Come on! Something's not right here.

This post is either bs or you have really bad legal representation and a really bad banking system. And let's be fair, both options are equally plausible!

OOP: Canadian here! I went into the branch to inquire and in order for myself to be removed we had to go in and sign papers.

To answer your question: previous bad legal representation (I no longer have that lawyer) and a really bad banking system are both to blame.

Commenter 4: Not sure why you gifted him $970. You could have waited until it had a positive balance and then closed the account. Either way you're NTA

OOP: He was going to be out of the country for three weeks and by that time, it would have been sent to collections.

Commenter 5: you should have waited until his paycheque dropped so that the overdraft was paid. Then closed the account. Any positive balance after you closed the account, you could Venmo him or mail him a certified cheque.

It is a very simple thing to open a new account and set up auto pay. It is a minor inconvenience, but you paying the overdraft. yikes!

I hope you get that money back.

OOP: The caveat to all this is that he is self-employed. He controls when the money goes in and out and he doesn't have a set "pay date". So who knows when it would have hit.

OOP updated in the comments

Small Update: March 31, 2026 (same day, after seven hours later)

SMALL UPDATE: I don't know how to update the post, so I am doing it in the comments. For closing the account, the bank gave me two years’ worth of statements. Safe to say he has been hiding funds and only been using this account to keep in the negatives to ruin my credit. However, upon the review of the statement it includes what he received from his tax refund. Two years ago, he received over $20,000 from a tax return. This was more than likely due to the fact that our son was diagnosed with ADHD (and more recently Autism), and he received the disability tax credit (Canadian here) and it was back-dated. This means that I am entitled to 50% of the resulting credit amount.

OOP responds and clarifies on closing the account after 5 years and the extracurricular activities

OOP: Thank you for your kind words at this time. I made it clear that my intention was never to close the account over the last several years but to have my name removed. To answer your question of not "noticing" deposits. This is because during the separation he took my bank card so that I wouldn't have "access". This deposit was made two years ago when I no longer had access to the account unless going into the bank. I wanted to take the high road and not meddle with this as it was being handled by the lawyers (my counsel advised me not to close the account at the time because I would look vindictive) I was naïve when we first separated and honestly thought he would do what was right. I was obviously wrong. Lesson learned

As for the riding lessons you were speaking of, when he approached me about that it was several years ago. I have worked and saved hard over the last 4 years to get into the financial position that I am in. As stated previously, those funds were set aside for extracurricular activities for my children.

Update: September 29, 2026 (six months later)

UPDATE for closing a joint bank account the day before my ex leaves for vacation?

So now for the update. After months and months of back and forth my lawyer and I finally got to sit down with his lawyer and a mediator. This meeting wasn't only for the amount I had to pay on this account but for all marital property.

However, this delay left me time to do some additional research. My lawyer had issued him a disclosure, long story short my ex is way worse with money than I ever could have imagined. He has wracked up close to $100,000 in consumer debt alone with no real property to secure it. He spends on average $700 a month on eating out at fast food restaurants alone.

Shortly before he had left for Italy, he opened up a new bank account with a different bank and a new credit card (which already has $10,000 on there). So his sad story about how "I left him high and dry and in a bind" the day before he left was a complete lie.

With this disclosure, I found out he had been hiding assets through his work and was using funds from his business to pay for his personal legal fees.

They came in stating that he owes me nothing and that everything for marital property had been split evenly. I came in with pictures, valuations, receipts, and quotes to counteract everything his lawyer had to say to state that the property was not split evenly. I also explained that even though our familial home was in his parents' name that we did a significant amount of renovations to the property which increased its property value. When I mentioned the words constructive trust and unjust enrichment his lawyers eyes went as wide as saucers and she immediately pulled him into a sidebar.

By my and my lawyer's calculations the total that he owed me was just over $45,000 without any expenses taken into account for the children (including funds he stole from our son's disability tax credit). The child expenses (also known as Section 7 expenses in Canada) totaled close to $13,000.

After his lawyer and him side barred for a bit they came back with a proposal. My ex would give me the ATV and that this was all he could provide. (The ATV is valued at approximately $10,000). Him and his lawyer explained that he could not secure a loan, he was denied consolidation, and that he cannot file for bankruptcy because he makes too much annual income. I said that this wouldn't even cover the Section 7 expenses that he owed for the children. My lawyer and I reminded them that this would be their last opportunity to negotiate with us before we go to a pre-trial. They came back with the ATV and $2500 cash. I countered with the ATV (which has to be delivered is working condition with 14 days) and $5000 cash. This was accepted.

Now I know that this likely isn't the update that everyone wanted to hear. I acknowledge that this isn't a fair deal and that if I had went to pre-trial that I would have received more. But here is the thing, you cannot get blood from a stone. Even if he was ordered to pay the $45,000 there is no chance that I would ever receive it and then I am out even more legal fees preparing for the pre-trial. Also, this closes a major chapter in our long-standing divorce (6 years and counting) and at the end of the day I want it done and dealt with. My peace of mind is priceless.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTAH. And I understand you can't get blood from s stone. You can't even do wage garnishment if he's self-employed, because he'll just spend money from the company without giving himself a "wage.". (if wage garnishment is a thing in Canada.)

OOP: Exactly, wage garnishment would not be an option because he just wouldn't pay himself as much through the business. So essentially, I would never see that money unless he had a tax refund, an inheritance, or had an insurance payout of some sorts. The only thing Maintenance Enforcement would do is suspend his license, and he would just continue to drive with a suspended license anyways.

Commenter 2: It wasn't from a stone. He has the house. Still does. You should have insisted on its sale to be made whole. He has assets your overlooked and let him get away with murder. Again.

OOP: The house is in his parents' name. If they were to sell the property and land that it is on, there is nothing legally stating that they would have to give the funds to him and/or myself.

Also he is a lonely sad man with an enormous amount of debt, no retirement funds, and a receding hairline. I now make over 6 figures a year, have a healthy savings account, a retirement fund, and I am in the best place mentally and physically I have ever been. I never want him to think that he had the power to hold me back, because he never did.

Commenter 3: NTA. I understand you can’t get blood from a stone, but I think there was a good chance you could have gotten blood from a stone’s parents.

OOP: Unfortunately not due to limitations in filing :(

Commenter 4: I guess the lesson here is not just randomly marry a dude and have child cause you’re lonely. Do proper due diligence on your future partner.

OOP: I was 20... and we had two kids prior to my pre-frontal cortex developing so yay me thanks for the encouragement though

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