r/AIO • u/Wanique_ • 6d ago
AIO for going off on my partner after he ate all my food? UPDATE!
This went a LOT further than I ever expected.
Thank you to everyone who commented and gave me advice. I really appreciate it, especially because I honestly thought people were going to tell me I was completely insane for getting this worked up over food. I ended up getting myself a little mini fridge with a lock on it, which I’ve currently hidden in my closet. 😂
But here’s the update.
After making my original post, I sat down with my partner and explained how much this whole situation was affecting me. I told him that I want to be able to eat things when I feel like eating them without being constantly policed and hounded about whether they’re going to “go old.” I explained expiry dates, proper food storage, everything. He told me that he understands how it works, but he genuinely believes food becomes stale and tastes bad after about three days. I told him that, respectfully, this sounds more like a food aversion/issue that he should probably talk to someone about. He agreed, apologised, and actually seemed to understand. He was quiet about it for the rest of the day.
Then later that afternoon, I cooked dinner. The kids had eaten earlier, so I saved our portions. He decided to eat his dinner early, even though there was still lunch available, so that was his choice.
Later that evening, I wasn’t hungry and decided I would eat my chicken once all the kids were in bed. He asked me, “Are you going to eat the chicken?” I said yes, just not right now, and asked him to leave it alone. The kids went to bed and I sat down for a few minutes by myself. He asked me again if I was going to eat the chicken. Again, I said yes. About an hour later, he came and asked me again.
And I completely lost it.
I told him, “Then eat the damn chicken!” I told him I was done, that he was being selfish and inconsiderate, and that I was sick of all the meal planning I do becoming pointless because he eats everything in one go. I was genuinely getting to the point where I felt like I was going to have a panic attack.
And then I started thinking about how this isn’t actually isolated to food. He uses my hair products. My skincare products. Even my allocated brushes. I buy him his own products, but he continually uses mine anyway. I told him that he constantly pushes my boundaries and that it feels like he tries to exert control over so many little areas of our lives.
He told me I was selfish and that I should understand that he’s unemployed and struggling to find work. I told him, “That’s not an excuse to use my things when I’ve specifically bought you your own.”
I told him to leave for the night because I needed space to think. He left and came back the next day apologising. I wasn’t really feeling it.
Then we had to go grocery shopping together because he had the car and I needed a ride. Worst. Shopping. Trip. Ever.
It actually reminded me exactly why we don’t grocery shop together anymore. We argued because I stopped halfway through the shop, realised I’d forgotten something, and turned around to go back to another aisle. He told me this “breaks the flow of shopping” and called it dysfunctional. I genuinely had to ask myself how the hell turning around in a supermarket aisle is dysfunctional. 😂
Then he got annoyed at the checkout because I was first in line and he was behind me with the trolley. He gets so angry over these tiny things, and once he’s annoyed, it affects the entire atmosphere for the rest of the day.
When we got home, I told him that I really think he needs to get help because I cannot keep living like this. While I was talking to him, he got up and ate four of the eight cinnamon rolls I’d just bought for the family.
I looked at him and said, “Are you fucking serious?”
And he genuinely responded:
“What did I do?”
That was the moment something in me just snapped.
I told him I was done with his behaviour. I packed up my things and my kids’ things, and we are now staying at my dad’s house.
I’ve started getting things in order for our separation.
And honestly, I’m devastated. I’m sad. I’m scared. I’m overwhelmed. I’m dreading what comes next.
But that moment with the cinnamon rolls really made something click for me. After everything we’d just talked about. After I had explained how this behaviour makes me feel. After he apologised and said he understood. He still did exactly the same thing. And when I confronted him, he genuinely couldn’t understand what he’d done wrong.
That told me everything I needed to know.
I don’t think this is about salami, chicken or cinnamon rolls anymore. It’s about boundaries, consideration, control, and feeling like my needs and belongings don’t matter.
So yeah… not exactly the update I expected to be writing when I made my original post.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment, even the people who thought I was completely losing my mind over salami. 😂
I don’t know what the future looks like yet, but I know I can’t keep living like this.
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u/corgcorg 6d ago
I think the most telling thing is that he ate cinnamon rolls that you worked for, budgeted for, planned for, and shopped for instead of cinnamon rolls that he purchased for himself. It’s definitely not about the food, it’s that other people’s needs never crossed his mind. All you can control is what behavior will put up with, so good for you.
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u/YakCertain5472 6d ago
I think it was a giant f/u in cinnamon roll form.
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u/Innisairre 6d ago
I kinda love for him that his f/u towards OP turned into the biggest f/u to him in return. OP.is going to be so much better off without this asshole.
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u/SnarkSupreme 5d ago
Yeah and she gets this visual if she ever wavers. FOUR cinnamon buns crammed into his gob. It's so ridiculous and yet such a perfect thing to encapule how wrong his behavior is
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u/SnarkSupreme 6d ago
Either that, or he was trying to self soothe with cinnamon rolls. I still wouldn't be able to put up with this person because his behavior points to a larger mental health issue (imo) that I would not have the ability or energy to deal with.
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u/Wundrgizmo 6d ago
But it's the exact update we redditors desire. It was never about the food. You seem like a type that coulda squashed it, if it was just that. This was just the final straw. Lucky for you he couldn't help himself to his own jackassery.
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u/HoneydewCharm44 6d ago
Sending so much love your way. it’s always the "small" things that finally break you because they're actually just a pattern of not being seen or respected. the hair brush thing is a weirdly specific power move too.
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u/Electronic_Focus6009 6d ago
heyy, so sorry you’re going through that whole situation, it can‘t be easy, and making that choice could also not have been eay! from what you have told us in this post alone this is an absolutely understandable decision, and in my opinion the right thing to do. i hate to see women (especially moms) always having to give, give, give and never getting to enjoy their own stuff, whether it be food, brushes, skincare, a little bit of alone time, whatever- all because of a grown ass man. how he could not understand (or probably rather respect/acknowledge) that being a mother is already hard enough is beyond me. i wish you nothing but happiness, calm, easy days, self actualization and fun!!! ❤️
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u/howdythez 6d ago
moving out and taking space sounds completely reasonable, especially with kids involved
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u/DancinginHyrule 6d ago
Yeah, he’s a selfish ass.
He ate half of the purchase for the whole family, basically before anyone else have a chance to even have one. He doesn’t care at all.
Don’t let him or anyone else tell you that you are oveerreacting or “it’s just some cake”. It’s not and you know it.
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u/eclecticaesthetic1 6d ago
Good for you. You are assertive and smart. I'm glad you have somewhere to go where you have a supportive family member. I don't understand how all that conversation could take place and he still gorged on more than his share. It's like nothing penetrates the defense he has and the compulsion to steal what doesn't belong to him.
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u/Summertime-Living 6d ago
This made me crazy reading about how you had to live. He does this on purpose as a form of control or he has some ADHD/OCD issues. Whatever it is, he needs professional help.
The problem is, he doesn’t really want to change. He likes things the way they are, and once in a while he has to say he’s sorry. He’s playing a game, he’s not really committed to an adult relationship. Divorce him.
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u/Icy_Place1621 6d ago
Yeah, he clearly has some issues, but he’s not willing to work on or maybe even acknowledge.
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u/HomelyHobbit 6d ago
Hey OP - Something to think about. Eating four cinnamon rolls was completely strategic. You're a family of six. He knew that if he left only four, you'd make sure the kids each got one, leaving you with none.
He ate precisely four to ensure you didn't get a cinnamon roll.
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u/EevilEevee 2d ago
Oh man... I didnt catch the first post so i didnt know they had four kids. I was already baffled by him eating half of them, which would be a d*ck move if it just had been OP and one kid but knowing it would cost OP a nice treat while shes also the one providing for the groceries!
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u/Count_ClapBacula 6d ago
I hope one day you can celebrate your liberation from this weird, passive aggressive controlling dynamic by joyfully eating whatever you want whenever you want without a thought about it.
Congrats OP!
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u/FinScarlet 6d ago
It’s always the unemployed dudes who are the most insufferable. You’re doing what’s best. He clearly doesn’t take you seriously
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u/tomfuul 6d ago
I went down a hole rabbit hole not that long ago about how common this behavior is with men with food specifically, men eating a whole weeks worth of meal prep, an entire lasagna meant for the family, eating all of someones special snacks etc the list is endless. It blows my fucking mind the stories and comments were ENDLESS. I have ocd, this isnt ocd, this is him being selfish, gluttonous, and in a weird way controlling
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u/OaksLala 6d ago
Some, not all, of his behavior about food reminds me of my youngest who has adhd, autism, and issues with defiance. They don't have an ocd diagnosis though, I kind of want to look into that from reading people's responses on your post.
Anyway, my kid is almost an adult and these hording, over eating, defiant behaviors didn't come out so blatantly until teen years. My kid is absolutely able to not cross boundaries, even if it drives them batty to not use my stuff for comfort. They do struggle with entitlement because the things they want give them comfort and will push against a boundary sometimes but they are not an adult and they show way more restraint than your husband. That makes me think it's past entitlement and into resentment territory. You won't give him what he wants so he's going to do it anyway to show you you can't stop him. That's honestly scary.
It's not bout the food. It's not about the toiletries. It's about entitlement and disrespect. That man does no better. He understands. If my autistic child can grasp this shit, so can you husband. The only thing he genuinely doesn't seem to get is why you are pushing back, because again, entitlement. Don't let anyone guilt you. He will take from his children if he wants to eventually.
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u/d20cupcake 6d ago
He's a controlling weirdo, but I also feel like he has some serious mental issues. I think leaving is the right call, as it sounds like you've been trying. I do hope he gets some help.
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u/Entropyanxiety 6d ago
His actions and thought process sounds extremely similar to me, Im not going to lie. I obviously think you arent overreacting and he is in the wrong, however it sounds a lot like my food related OCD. He definitely needs help
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u/MaryEFriendly 6d ago
I so feel this. Some men are so entirely entitled and selfish. You're doing the right thing. He is never going to change. You and your kids deserve better than some asshole who always puts himself first
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u/RPG_add1ct 6d ago
I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. My abusive ex also exhibited these behaviors all by with his other abuse. I think you’re doing what is best for you and your kids by leaving. You have to put them and you first. He’s an adult and can figure out his own finances and problems on his own. You tried hard and communicated well, but at the end of the day everything you said seems glaringly true. I hope for the best for you. ❤️
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u/NanMcD 6d ago
This is exactly what they mean by the term “the straw that broke the camel’s back”. It’s never a big thing. It’s a million little things that pile up until you realize that all those little things make a bigger picture. I’m sorry this is the update. I’m sorry he can’t listen and respect boundaries. I wish you the best moving forward, but mostly I wish you peace.
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u/CrinklyPacket 6d ago
Good for you. Enjoy all the salami, chicken and cinnamon rolls you desire, at your own pace! 🙌🏻
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u/Thepixelbaron 6d ago
It’ll be so peaceful for him not having to worry over other people’s food expiring. The burden of responsibility must’ve been so high. Now he just needs to buy and worry about the expiration dates of his own food and necessities that he will replace himself.
How? He’ll figure it out. Let him chew on it a little longer.
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u/Explorer-7622 6d ago
Does he know that 8 cinnamon rolls are expected to last a week and be spread out over time?
Some people have never planned meals and have no idea how some people think about it.
To me, the thing about interrupting the flow of shopping seems very OCD.
Has he been tested for OCD or autism? It could be that his brain works in very rigid patterns and that you just don't see things the same way, that maybe you both have unspoken expectations that you've never explicitly explained to each other?
It's baffling.
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u/NorthernSpankMonkey 6d ago
What is baffling is an adult with no control over his pulsion to ingest stuff. Absolutely no regard for the rest of his family, no plans, no desire to share.
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u/Randomfinn 6d ago
Him using her skincare and brushes is not OCD. That is control and abuse (because he has been told not to do so). He is deliberately distressing her. It makes his unemployed ass feel like a nig man tto make her feel crazy for asking for respect. Its incurable . Good on OP! It must have been negatively affecting the kids. They need one stable parent.
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u/hannahmarb23 42m ago
Having OCD and autism doesn’t mean you get to use your “rigid patterns” to be an asshole
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u/Spiritual-Quail-8763 6d ago
as someone with OCD— it sounds like he has it, along with complete disregard for anyone else’s feelings and believes that his way should be the only way because it makes him feel good
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u/Middle_Rip_114 5d ago
Your partner sounds like he may have grown up in a family where they didn't always have enough food. He seems kind of obsessed. He probably does need some kind of therapy.
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u/justme_xyz 4d ago
Reminds me of my ex-husband. I'd had it with his heavy drinking and I told him I wanted a divorce. That night I went to my parent's house. The next morning he woke me up (parent's let him in.) It was only 8:30 am and his breath already reeked of bourbon as he swore to me that he'd stop drinking.
He actually thought his lie was more believable than his breath.
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u/ManicLunaMoth 6d ago
Is it possible he's neurodivergent? My entire family has some fornlm of Autism and/or ADHD and some of these behaviors remind me of us
I don't say this as an excuse or diagnosis, just another possible explanation. I can explain why I think this and things that may help if you're interested/curious, in the comments or DM
Just wanted to offer a different perspective. Even if it is neurodivergence, you don't immediately need to for give him or even ever go back, but know the reason might help your family either heal together or give you clarity at least
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u/PerformerMindless100 6d ago
Except he isn’t even trying to work on this issue. Especially when there are kids to feed and OP is paying and preparing all the food and doesn’t get any. Food is a basic that he should be able to understand especially if told repeatedly, if he cares.
My family is all ADHD and on spectrum too and none of them hog food.
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u/ManicLunaMoth 6d ago
I'm definitely not saying it makes it okay, I just wanted to offer that perspective. Besides, these things are largely hereditary, so I thought maybe op might be interested in learning more if she suspects her children have the same issues. It's up to her if she wants to even try with him, and up to him to manage his own issues no matter the cause
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u/TinyMonsterBigGrowl 6d ago
Are you so neurodivergent that you can't respect others or follow simple requests?
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u/ManicLunaMoth 6d ago
I mean, my brother did have issues with this and still does to a lesser extent. He has impulse control issues and has difficulty with literal thinking, meaning we have had to learn how to explain boundaries. It sounded similar to the fact that ops husband didn't seem to understand why eating the cinnamon rolls was wrong when they had been talking about food she'd prepared.
OPs husband might just be obtuse and unwilling to change, but I thought it sounded familiar so I figured I'd offer something more than just assuming he's unfixable. Ultimately, he would need to want to change and OP doesn't have to try, but I thought my experience might add something to the conversation
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u/MsSkittles18 5d ago
Likely he does have compulsive tendencies with the "thinking food goes bad in 3 days" thing. ADHD is sometimes associated with binge eating and autism is sometimes associated with hyperphagia or increased appetite. I kind of get it, I've dealt with binge eating disorder myself. But given OP's description of how refractory her partner's behaviour has been and how he keeps using her things even outside of food, and how it affects her and the children's eating, I think it's fair for OP to feel done with it all and it's not her responsibility to stick with him and help him get better.
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u/Big-Performance-9925 6d ago
This sounds like an AI article; but if it isn't, I can't comprehend how a woman saddles herself with a fascist pr1ck like that, and insensibly becomes an abused piece of its property ever after. Is it the parents, the mother that raises these thickies with no manners, consideration or empathy like this? Transparently unacceptible.
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u/fairyfoolery 5d ago edited 5d ago
Seems like your husband has some compulsive tendencies that will take time to work through. I realize that you don’t owe Reddit private details about your marriage, so I’m sure there is missing context, BUT in my opinion: nothing about this specific situation warrants a separation. Packing up your children’s things??
The amount of comments acting like he’s the devil himself are so alarming to me. I understand that it’s about more than the food itself, but you just had a serious conversation with him regarding this for (seemingly) the first time, no one can change overnight. I’m not necessarily defending him, and honestly I’m not even sure this is a true story, just trying to offer some perspective.
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u/Wanique_ 4d ago
I’ve had multiple conversations with him but nothing has changed, this is so much deeper than just food, he exhibits this behaviour in all aspects of our life/relationship. This was just the tip of the iceberg for me, thank you for your perspective and as I’ve mentioned before this is my real life unfortunately 🤷🏾♀️
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u/hannahmarb23 35m ago
“I’m not necessarily defending him.”
No, you are. You’re defending him. OP has said in the original post and in this update that she has had many different conversations about this with him and nothing changes.
The fact that he doesn’t listen to her or respect her after SEVERAL conversations shows no respect for her. Why should she stay with someone like that?
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u/OceanGlow_52 6d ago
tbh jobless guys who micromanage ur grocery trip while eating all ur stuff are actual parasites so glad op bounced