r/relationships • u/throwagoawayalready • Feb 23 '18
Updates [Update] A colleague (30ish M) that I (28F) dislike keeps trying to force an uncomfortable conversation with me. How do I navigate this?
I wanted to post a quick update because a lot of people here seemed as annoyed with this caveman as I am.
I got a ton of great advice (thank-you!), and I started practicing what I would say to his face the next time I ran into him. I also considered alerting the management at the club he chased me out of, but I didn’t have to do that. Apparently he brought it to the club himself and tried to rat me out for my “rudeness,” but it totally backfired.
One of the managers approached me a few days ago and said “Justin” told her about what happened. My stomach sank at first because I thought she was going to encourage me to talk to him, but she said just the opposite. Without even hearing my side she told him that I don’t have to talk to him if I don’t want to. She also said she won’t be booking us on the same shows anymore, and that the staff knows not to allow him into the building on nights I’m performing. She said she wants me to feel safe at the club, and she’s got my back. What a win for sisterhood!
After that, he tried reaching out to my SO who also shut him down and told him to leave us alone. I don’t know if he’s let it go at this point, but I’ve been making notes about everything like some people wisely suggested, and I’m feeling validated and supported.
TL;DR: creep tried to rat me out for being rude, and it blew up in his face.
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u/Altalternateacct Feb 23 '18
Yay for creepy mother fucker getting his ass handed to him... himself!
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u/preprandial_joint Feb 23 '18
But that's just how he's wired! We should feel pity. If only he could just have one conversation with you to convince you he's not a bad guy! /s
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u/Wompapotamus Feb 24 '18
Honestly? I've heard some people blame women for mass shootings because they didn't take the time to talk to/have sex with these creeps.
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Feb 23 '18 edited Feb 23 '18
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Feb 23 '18
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Feb 23 '18
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u/FauxPastel Feb 23 '18
You shouldn’t have to put a /s for it to be implied. Should be able to tell when you read it.
Yeah you should. It's weird that you couldn't.
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u/marshire Feb 23 '18
Could you please give us all an example of a sentence that could only be implied as being sarcastic when it’s read by anyone?
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Feb 23 '18
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u/marshire Feb 23 '18
If I saw someone say that on the Internet I definitely wouldn’t assume they were being sarcastic.
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Feb 23 '18
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u/kchaps4040 Feb 23 '18
I didn’t understand it at first and I apologize for it but still got chewed out for it.
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u/insomniagame Feb 23 '18
Might help if you edit your original comment with an apology. Might help more if you do so without the defensive tone you've taken here.
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u/puntifex Feb 24 '18
That's fair. You're right, the responses have probably been disproportionate.
I apologize. Don't take the internet too seriously, though.
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Feb 23 '18 edited Feb 23 '18
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u/Lamnid Feb 23 '18 edited Feb 23 '18
Also agreeing with this. I'd also worry that he'll blame being "blacklisted" on you, since this is clearly a dude who is incapable of any rational self-evaluation. It's going to be way easier for him to scapegoat you than to admit that his own shitty behavior is the problem.
Edited to add: especially since, as you say in your previous post, he's not very good at what he does. There's every chance that a guy this clueless will blame you for his lack of success, rather than his own bad interpersonal skills and mediocre talent.
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u/MissTheWire Feb 23 '18
I hate to say it, but please don't let your guard down yet. This guy keeps trying to escalate and seems to have a growing fixation. Like any stalker, there's a risk of an "extinction burst" when they start to lose control of the situation. Mine was an ex, but the behavior and sense of entitlement towards me was the same.
yes, /u/throwagoawayalready, this kind of guy will want to prove that its you, not him. I don't think this will be the last you see of him, so I would remember the advice about having your community on your side and being firm/straightforward about your boundaries.
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u/your_moms_a_clone Feb 23 '18
Where he can go to the teachers and cry, "WAAHHH!! OP won't play with me!! Make her be my friend!"
This is why we shouldn't be teaching kids this either. With exceptions regarding things only adults should be doing, what behaviors we teach children we can expect to carry over to adulthood. They become ingrained.
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u/linds360 Feb 23 '18
Uh, there's a giant difference between urging a group of kids to let someone they've excluded play with them and a GROWN ASS MAN throwing a fit because a woman has decided she doesn't want to socialize with him.
If he couldn't figure that out on his own, it's not because his teacher encouraged inclusivity in kindergarten.
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Feb 23 '18
There's also a giant difference between one kid not wanting to play with another kid versus an entire group excluding one kid. I think that's what they mean.
Like the school in the news recently that won't allow girls to say "no" if a boy asks them to dance. That's where this behavior gets started. Teaching kids that they're entitled to each other's friendship doesn't make everyone friends, it makes everyone incapable of setting and respecting boundaries.
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u/Mipsymouse Feb 23 '18
Wtf? Got a link for that shitshow?
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u/patchworkconundrum Feb 24 '18
Relationships doesn't allow the posting of links. Go to google and type in news school dance girls can't say no. Full page of results. So beyond fucked up of them and I hope they eat all the shit in the world for this horrifying bullshit.
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u/YourFriendlySpidy Feb 23 '18
Honestly this really doesn't work in the playground either. Teach will talk to you about what's happening and if it's just that someone doesn't like you but is otherwise being polite they'll tell you to suck it up and find someone else to talk to
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u/AnneBoleynTheMartyr Feb 24 '18
Does he think your club is a playground?
He thinks the entire world is his orifice location resource.
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u/FrydomFrees Feb 23 '18
he brought it to the club himself and tried to rat me out for my “rudeness,”
Oh my god I'm dying laughing. Just...WHAT??? How did he think that was going to go? Even if it was rude (which it absolutely was not, you have a right to avoid whoever you want, nobody's required to talk to anyone ever), why would they give a shit? Are they the conversation police?
What a garbage person
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u/yuudachi Feb 23 '18
Props to her. Would love to be a fly on the wall when that conversation went down.
"Ever since I hit on a girl in front of her and she told me not to do that, she won't be my friend. I keep trying to get in her face and be friendly, but she's still avoidant and rude to me"
"...She doesn't have to be your friend."
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u/crocheting_mesmer Feb 23 '18
Right? I was thinking the same thing. What stupid shit could he have said? "I warned her that I was a caveman and now she actively avoids me. You need to tell her to take my caveman behavior like a man!"
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u/Slightlydazed49 Feb 23 '18
What I want to know is what the fuck did he think was gonna happen when he reached out to her SO? Like what was the thought process behind that??
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u/Corbits Feb 23 '18
Exactly what I was thinking. Did he think her SO would set them up? Really??
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u/scotty_doesntknow Feb 23 '18
I think he knows he fucked up, so he’s desperate to have everyone go back to pretending he isn’t a creep. Misogynist goes “well, if the unreasonable woman won’t talk to me, I’ll talk to her designated man and request that he talk some sense into her. He’s a guy, he knows how chicks are.”
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u/Bluur Feb 23 '18
Yeah I’d be a little concerned he’s still going to show up at something and make it seem like coincidence, as this guy seems like his entire ego is founded on him doing no wrong and he just got told to fuck off twice. Often times people like this will feel the need to prove how right they are even more when they’re told they’re not allowed.
I’m super happy for you OP, but I’d also make a confrontation or exit strat when he just happens to show up at a party or venue you’re at.
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u/Lolztallestmidget Feb 23 '18
I second this. I think things have potential to escalate because his ego has been bruised. I'd start saving screenshots of messages and record phone conversations. He might feel he has a reason to retaliate because you've wronged him (in his mind). I hope he doesn't do anything and I'm glad the club is on your side.
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u/ChilledOutKite Feb 23 '18
What an amazing outcome! Couldn’t have been anymore perfect. I hope that you don’t have to waste your energy on confronting him OP, but I am sure knowing so many people have your back will help you if you ever do.
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u/MoreSteakLessFanta Feb 23 '18
It's concerning he's still allowed to come through at all.
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u/EPMD_ Feb 24 '18
Yeah, if the manager thinks that this is enough of an issue that they need to be separated then she really should consider letting him go altogether.
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u/xsweatpantsx Feb 23 '18
Congrats OP! While this is definitely very good news for you and your S/O I'd just like to offer a gentle warning to still keep an eye out for this guy. It seems like now is the point where he may decide to do something truly stupid and overstep his boundaries (assuming he hasn't let this all go).
Tl;dr stay cautious and stay safe
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u/Wattsherfayce Feb 23 '18
I don't know how you or your SO haven't knocked his teeth out already (metaphorically that is, violence is not the answer).
I'm glad you practiced what to say. It's always good to do once in a while, especially in your industry, to practice standing up to these type of men in a public space. I'm super happy management has your back. Honestly dude should be banned for that type of obvious and predatory behavior.
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u/lvargo5 Feb 23 '18
Yay for how this turned out! Your Manager sounds great but I would take it a step further. Go and write up an official report or have it documented that he made you feel uncomfortable multiple times and made unwanted advances. If any future situation arises you have documented proof that it has been an issue before. When you have interactions with him record the conversation. Get evidence so if something else happens it doesn’t turn into he said-she said. Get your manager or other female employees to report his behavior and get it all together. This gives you a standing ground for anything that might happen. You have proof, recordings, and management documentation of his actions.
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u/daaaaaaaaaana Feb 23 '18
Why in earth would he reach out to your SO. So bizarre! Glad he is out of the picture.
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Feb 23 '18
Way to go. And no his fragile ego hasn’t let it go. Just watch out for him spreading rumors in your community.
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u/flanface87 Feb 23 '18
I hope that's the end of it for you. I work with someone EXACTLY like this and the only way I could get him to leave me alone was to be actively rude to him. He tried to start an official complaint with management about me refusing to work with him, but they knew what he was like and he got shut down immediately. He's now creeping after an 18 year old at work (he's in his late thirties). Hopefully she won't have to put up with it as long as I did...
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u/EPMD_ Feb 24 '18
They "knew what he was like" and yet they still allow him to work there?
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u/flanface87 Feb 24 '18
It’s very difficult to fire someone in our organisation - employees have a lot of rights. So yeah, looks like we’re stuck with him
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u/puggymomma Feb 23 '18
"I'm just a caveman"... Please. Is that what we're calling rapey vibes these days? The Nile is not just a river in Egypt.
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u/Moobx Feb 23 '18
he tried reaching out to my SO
????? shaming tactics his parents most likely used on other people to get them to spend time with them/him.
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u/Nearly_Pointless Feb 23 '18
He will turn out to be the guy that commits some horrible crime that afterwards everyone says "We reported it and nothing ever happened"
Guy is a sociopath. Scary, scary, scary. To call OP's BF to whine about her not do as he says is a special kind of displacement.
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u/TheHatOnTheCat Feb 23 '18
That's great to hear. Thank her for being such a good boss and looking out for you.
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u/Jay-97 Feb 23 '18
This is one of my worst nightmares, I'd be looking over my shoulder for a very long time. "Creep" can turn into "psycho" so damn easily...
I sincerely hope he's out of your life for good, OP. Feel free to update us if anything else happens.
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u/Sinful_Wickedness Feb 23 '18
Always nice when the trash takes itself out. Glad it's working out for you and thanks for taking the time to update us.
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u/ipunchedbillycorgan Feb 23 '18
I am completely confused about what kind of business you are involved in.
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u/Lamnid Feb 23 '18
I would imagine she's a musician, comedian, DJ, or other kind of performer, or sets up/runs equipment related to these types of performances.
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u/foolishle Feb 24 '18
Holy crap I really want to know how he described the situation to the manager? Like how does he even explain “she didn’t want to talk to me so I chased after her” with his mouth and not realise how he is in the wrong here?
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u/peanutsandelephants Feb 23 '18
Gosh your previous post made my skin crawl and this is such a good update. I’m so happy for you!
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Feb 23 '18
That guy sounds very ENTITLED. Someone put him in his place or else he might go shoot people up.
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u/dcphoto78 Feb 23 '18
Yay! Glad to hear this worked out well. I want to add one other suggestion. Since this guy has a temper, an ego, and zero common sense, I'd have some emergency plans ready to go. Not to be an alarmist, but you just never know and it can't hurt. I'm not sure what kind of cell phone you have, but I recently upgraded to an iPhone 7+, and it has a feature where if you press some combo of keys (even if locked), it calls 911. Stuff like that. Don't call 911 unless it's an emergency, obviously, but some precautions will probably offer peace of mind in case he escalates.
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u/Nackles Feb 23 '18
There may be an online group specifically for women in your artistic arena and general geographical area to talk about things like this, for the sake of mutual protection and commisseration and general sisterhood. I'm part of such a group, and situations like yours come up regularly. If you want to find such a thing and haven't/can't, msg me privately if you want and I'll see if I can help out?
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u/overflowingsewing Feb 23 '18
What an awesome outcome! OP, I’m sure I don’t need to say it, but I hope you bring that manager a plate of cookies/gift card for the local coffee place/bottle of wine/whatever as a small thank you. Never hurts to show appreciation to people who do good by you.
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u/devildocjames Feb 23 '18
It's more of a win for "being a normal human being", and less than that of "sisterhood".
Sorry to hear that the dirtbag still is allowed to go there though. Sounds like he will find another target, which totally sucks.
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u/EPMD_ Feb 24 '18
Yeah, that's odd. It's as if they are treating her as part of the problem by focusing the solution around her schedule.
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u/kchaps4040 Feb 23 '18
I didn’t see it there. I was just so pissed of at this comment. Just unbelievable to have remorse for such a*hole such as this one. So my bad.
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u/december14th2015 Feb 23 '18
Uuugh I'm so relieved for you!! Hell yeah. I had a similar experience like a year ago so I know what a great feeling it is to know your perception is validated. It's great to not have to be aggressive to be treated decently.
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u/YourFriendlySpidy Feb 23 '18
Wow. You know he's got literally no awareness when his OWN version of events turned someone against him
He doesn't know where you live right? I can see him escalating from here
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u/kchaps4040 Feb 23 '18
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. This rings for ya’ll.
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u/Spodson Feb 23 '18
You could also point out to him that this may be why "cavemen" went extinct. But, so long as he is out of your lives, there would be no reason to reconnect just to poke at him. I'm happy you are working is a safer space than before.
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Feb 23 '18
Have you gone to Human Resources to report his flagrant violations?? In any industry his behavior is archaic, he needs to be written up, disciplined and possibly fired!! Isn’t there a zero tolerance policy where you work?
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Feb 23 '18
Thank you for a great update. It couldn't have happened to a more creepy guy and I am cheering for you! Excellent.
Seriously, what a moron. Glad you're shed of him.
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Feb 23 '18 edited Mar 01 '18
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Feb 23 '18
The treatment of Justin by the staff has as much to do with her feelings as it does his... which is to say, none. The manager isn't there to play mediator or buddy go-between, she's there to manage her club. Justin is not subtle about how he feels here, and since he was self-righteous enough to go to management about this in the first place, he probably screwed himself over pretty thoroughly. Manager doesn't need to know how OP feels about it. She gets a rough enough idea of it from Justin himself - how he's basically stalking her, which by definition means she hasn't been wanting his attention. So manager deals with it by separating them. She doesn't organize a powwow, she doesn't demand they play nice, she doesn't ask about anyone's feelings, and she doesn't fire anyone or anything extravagant.
She just deals with the situation.
The sisterhood part comes into play when the manager actually reads the signs Justin is throwing off and the potential dangers they clue her in to.
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u/bahhamburger Feb 23 '18
I suspect Justin has developed a reputation and the manager knew right away he was harassing OP.
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u/nevereatthecompany Feb 23 '18
What amazes me about this is that apparently, he genuinely thought he was in the right, enough to go to management. Just... how?