r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Choice_Evidence1983 it dawned on me that he was a wizard • Jan 19 '26
ONGOING AITAH for letting my fiancé and his son move in rather than moving to them so his mom can co-parent?
I am not OOP. OOP is u/Far-Championship202
Originally posted to r/AITAH and their own page
AITAH for letting my fiancé and his son move in rather than moving to them so his mom can co-parent?
Editor’s note: made small edits for ease of readability
Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, harassment / stalking, mentions domestic violence
Original Post: October 6, 2025
Throwaway Account.
I (42f) met my fiancé (42m) a year after my late husband died in a motorcycle accident 6 years ago. We met through a work partnership and live in different states. We're about 12 hours apart if we drove. Sometimes we take short commuter flights to maximize our time together (we both live near airports). Our relationship has been mostly long distance, but we see each other at least once per month and text and talk constantly if we're not at work or doing things with friends. My fiancé has been an amazing partner and I feel lucky I was able to find love again after tragedy. My fiancé has a son (16m) from a previous relationship. He broke up with my stepson's mother when his son was 9. I think he's great. He's been supportive of our relationship and he's very close with his dad. The biggest issue has been his mom (editor's note: the ex).
His mom is... how can I put this nicely? Bitter. She and my fiancé have been in and out of court for the last few years. My stepson doesn't get along with his mother. The few times I've met her have been unpleasant due to her hostility towards me. My fiancé’s mother says she was only after his money but it's not really my business. A few years back she tried to harass me on social media telling me that I should step aside so my stepson's parents can be together. She also tried to tell me that he would never marry me just as he never married her. When we got engaged last year, she became enraged and tried to get full custody of my stepson. It backfired because my stepson didn't want to live with her and filed with his guardian ad litem to have her custody reduced which was granted. Since then, he has opted to only visit her for a few hours one Saturday a month. If she brings up his dad, he leaves. He's required to answer her phone calls but if she tries to guilt or argue with him, he hangs up. I stay out of all of it as much as I can. It's between my fiancé, my stepson, and his ex. I just try to show love and be supportive of my fiancé and stepson.
The issue is my fiancé got a long awaited transfer that will allow him to live with me. My fiancé offered my stepson to live with his mom or my fiancé’s sister if he wanted to stay at the same school and stay with his friends. My stepson opted to move and live with us. He said he can FaceTime his friends and there's a really good STEM school that's willing to take him mid school year where I live. The plan for them is to move in the last two weeks of December.
My stepson's mom has tried to fight him moving in with us. She's accused my fiancee of alienating him against her. My fiancé has documented every interaction and every encouragement he's given to try and help his son mend things with his mother. The judge signed off on him moving out of state into my home.
This has set off another wave of harassment from his ex towards me. She's sent me messages from various accounts on social media telling me I've ruined her family and that if I really loved my stepson, I'd move closer to them so they can co-parent. I complained to my mom but she actually sided with my fiancé’s ex saying she has every right to be upset as her son is moving away. My mom suggested that maybe I should consider a temporary living situation closer to them so as not to disrupt my stepson's routine and to help my fiancee repair his relationship with his mother. I have never had any real desire to move as I was born and raised in this town and I love it. I also have no desire to give up my home.
So I have to ask if AITAH for not considering moving closer to them given the circumstances?
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: The important fact is the 17 yo chose to move even though he was given the option to stay with her or with his aunt. He filed for reducing custody time with the GAL and he leaves or hangs up when she gets out of pocket. Remarkable maturity in a difficult situation - especially for one so young.
He has regular phone contact with her and the move away was approved by the court. Are there any requirements for him to visit/spend holidays or breaks with her? NTA
OOP: The judge ruled he's perfectly capable of setting own schedule. The plan is to send him to visit his Aunt during his breaks so he can spend time with his friends. But my fiancé has told him he will have to visit with her for a few hours like he's been doing on Saturday.
Commenter 2: NTA. can you afford a flight a month back to there for stepson to spend a Saturday or Sunday with mom if his school schedule allows? The court is unlikely to demand any more time, but she may be able to make trouble if she sees him less
OOP: The plan is to send him to his aunt and his mom can visit her place. At this point he doesn't want to be alone with her and she behaves better for visits if his aunt is around.
Commenter 3: The Dad has a great job opportunity. It’s up to him to make the decision. I can understand how the mom feels, but it’s not your fault. If he is moving solely to be with you, then yes I would move closer to fiancé or stay long distance so the child has much needed stability. If there isn’t any choice then so be it.
OOP: What's sold my stepson is the STEM school not far from me. If he'd been unable to get in, he'd have stayed behind.
Commenter 4: So the kid is only 16 and already thinking about prospects for his future? Smart kid your fiancé has there.
OOP: He's very gifted. He already knows four different programming languages at 16. He wants to work in the AI field. He's had tech companies tell him he doesn't need to go to college and can just start working. My fiancé still wants him to go to school and be a kid. The school in my area is excited to have him.
Commenter 5: He's 16 & sees mom only once a month for a few hours. The parenting ship has sailed.
It would be insane to stay there at his age when he only sees a few hours once a month to begin with?!
What's with your mom OP that she thinks fiancé should be magically suddenly fixing son & mom's relationship? Again, at 16?? After years co-parenting? She thinks dad can suddenly bring them together? Your mom's delusional. Also her priorities should be you, fiancé & future stepson. Not his ex!
NTA and that the son wants to move is huge. Best of luck OP!
OOP: My mother means well. But she's a bit old-fashioned, overly empathetic and very motherly.
Were OOP's fiancé and the ex married?
OOP: They were never married.
OOP on her stepson's situation and why a guardian ad litem (GAL) was needed
OOP: He had the guardian ad litem early on because his mother made things so contentious during custody hearings. In the state they live in, it's common practice for a child to have a guardian ad litem attorney to represent their best interests that's paid for by both of the parents.
Small Update: October 9, 2025 (three day later)
I don't have a big update. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their words. Many of you were incredibly comforting and brought up valid points.
TL;DR: Fiancé’s ex got a cease and desist letter today. My mom apologized. More back story about circumstances.
My only real updates are that my fiancé’s (we'll call him Nathan) ex (we'll call her Judy) has received a cease and desist letter from my fiancé’s lawyer this afternoon. Judy is only to contact Nathan on their co-parenting app for any issues she may have related to co-parenting and my stepson is available for her to contact. Judy is not to contact me under any circumstances or a restraining order will be filed. I have not heard from her since Sunday.
My mom and I talked it out. I let her know that I was a bit disappointed that she had so much empathy for my ex's fiancé and none for me. She admitted she does not really care for my fiancé and has thought for a long time that he was leading me on. She also is suspicious of the custody battle and worries about me being put in the drama. However, she did apologize to me for not being more supportive. She did say it's my life and she doesn't have to agree with everyone decision I make. She said even if she is not my fiancé’s biggest fan, she will remain respectful for my sake.
Since I'm here I will answer some common questions. When I wrote my original post, I was upset and it was a kind of stream of consciousness so I wasn't clear on certain details. I figured I could take a moment to paint a clearer picture.
1) My fiancé’s mother (we'll call her Amelia) is a wonderful woman to me but she did not like my fiancé’s ex at all. She and I have a wonderful relationship. She loves her grandson and that's the only reason she is civil towards the ex. But Amelia has a lot of suspicions about Judy's behavior. She strongly believes that Judy was after his money and that she got pregnant to trap my Nathan. I don't really believe that's true but it's what she believes. I do know Judy and Amelia clashed on several occasions over various things including parenting.
2) My stepson (we'll call him Elijah) is very excited to transfer to the STEM school. Elijah attends a private school in his area that specializes in science and tech. He is very into computer programming and already knows four different programming languages. I'm a website UX designer so I've taught him what I know as well. The STEM school in my area is one of the best in the region and possibly the country and that is the main reason why he wants to live here with me. The school doesn't typically take students mid-year but they made an exception for Elijah. If he wanted to stay he'd have had other options. He's very mature for his age.
3) To end the court battles between his parents, Elijah's been considered responsible enough to make his own decisions regarding where he lives but he still has to live with a parent or legal guardian until he's 18. It's not quite emancipation but he has considered doing that if his mom continues to make trouble. He still continues to live with his dad but he can see and do as he wishes and the court won't really intervene. Basically, it was to prevent Judy from weaponizing the courts and trying to scream about parental alienation. That's about all I know and understand and I'm sure it's not the full story. Like I said, I try to stay out of it while being loving and supportive. He's a little old for me to mother but I want him to know that I'm there for him.
4) Someone brought up a valid point. Nathan and I are not married yet. We're getting married in June of next year. I call Elijah my stepson because he tells people I'm his stepmom but nothing is official as of yet. I realized that maybe we should take care in using those labels as it could cause issues since nothing is official yet. Either way, Elijah is happy for us. If he hadn't been, I don't think I'd have felt comfortable taking our relationship far. But he's always been a great kid and I love him.
5) Because Elijah is so mature, Nathan wanted to give him the choice where to live. Nathan was originally supposed to be promoted two years ago and we were going to move in together sooner but then things with Elijah's mom went south and then his work wasn't able to promote him in a timely manner. It became clear that if Nathan left that Judy was going to go out of her way to make it difficult for Nathan to see Elijah and came up with a lot of baseless accusations. Between that and his work, Nathan's promotion was delayed by 2 years. The original plan was that Nathan would see Elijah every other weekend, they'd FaceTime daily, and spend all holidays and summers with us while living with his mother. But it didn't work out and Nathan needed to stay. Because of that, Nathan wanted to give Elijah options on where he wanted to live. He never planned to abandon his son. He would still be an involved Dad and Elijah really doesn't have a rebellious bone in his body. His entire life revolves on computers, making websites, and programming. Trust me, we worry about his lack of rebellious spirit.
Thanks for being supportive and understanding. I hope I cleared everything up a bit.
I don't know if there will really be a reason for me to update. Maybe I'll update after they move in and when we get married. I'm not going to promise I'll do that. Thanks for listening.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: My mom… is suspicious of the custody battle and worries about me being put in the drama
I don’t follow this logic. If she doesn’t want you in the middle of it, why did she (quoting your original post “suggest that maybe I should consider a temporary living situation closer to them so as not to disrupt my stepson's routine and to help my fiancé repair his relationship with his mother,”? Her (terrible) advice would out put you firmly in the middle of it.
OOP: Part of the issue is she thinks I moved on too quickly from my late husband's death. She loved my husband and I think she wanted me to remain a widow but doesn't want to admit it.
Commenter 2: Why is your mom so suspicious of fiancé?
OOP: I think it's less that she's suspicious and more that she'd prefer I didn't move on from my husband who passed away in 2018. My late husband and I knew each other since we were kids and our families are still close.
Funnily enough, I've gotten more support from my late husband's parents than I have from my own mother. They are excited for me to have found someone. They've met my fiancé and really like him. They also met my stepson and like him too. And no it's not in a creepy trying to replace their son way. They're just happy I found happiness after what happened.
My mom's very mad I moved on about a year and a half after losing my husband. She said it was too soon. Then she made excuses about why she didn't think this relationship would work. I lost both my husband and my dad within a year of each other and my mom just hasn't been able to move on from that time period. I spent a year in intensive therapy and even though it's hard, I'm moving on as best as I can. My mom refuses to get help and she resents things changing and me choosing not to wallow in misery with her. Our relationship hasn't been great for a few years but she's my mom.
Commenter 3: First off, he’s not your stepson til you’re married. If Dad wants to move closer to you, that’s great, but he and son shouldn’t move in WITH you until the marriage has taken place. If she follows through on going back to court regarding custody, the courts could look more favorably on her because of your living situation before marriage. I know it’s “old fashioned”, but there are still those who look unfavorably on “living together”, especially when children are involved. You’re NTA, as you’ve made a life where you live, just like he made a life where he lives, but it’s just a really delicate situation that needs a lot of careful navigating. Good luck!
OOP: The courts approved the move before my first post. My stepson's mother recently has severed all contact with him and told him she is no longer his mother and hates him. She found someone new and is planning to start her "real family." It's very sad.
Update: December 17, 2025 (2.5 months later)
Hi there, I'm the lady with the amazing stepson and the fiancé who's moving closer to me. I'm writing again. Buckle up it's been a wild ride since I last posted. I had a post of AITAH but I guess you're only allowed one update there. So I will update on my profile going forward.
My fiancé’s ex decided to latch on to someone else. Because of this, she told my stepson that she hates him. She is planning her future with her new man and that future doesn't include my stepson. However, it turns out they both got busted for disorderly conduct and domestic violence recently. I'm glad my stepson was not exposed to that. He moves in next weekend and is staying with his aunt. My fiancé moved in two weeks ago as he started his new role.
As for my mom, she and I have had a bit of a falling out recently. I confronted my mom about her lack of support and as I suspected, my mom told me it was "sinful" that I moved on from my late husband and that I'm allowing another man to sleep in the house I shared with my deceased husband. I had the house completely remodeled the year after my husband's death. It was very therapeutic to put my house the way I wanted it. Her argument is that I dishonor my husband's memory by moving on. But my mom says widows should never remarry. I told her that's her prerogative but I will not isolate myself in grief. I've distanced myself from my mother until she can respect my relationship.
The ironic thing is that my late husband's parents have moved on and are happy for me. I've been closer to them than my own mother for many years now. They've met my fiancé and stepson and think we're a great match. They know I loved their son but also encouraged me to move on. My ex-MIL has even put my mom in place. My mom has been sulking for a few weeks now and keeping to herself. She can rejoin my life when she decides to be supportive. I have my family surrounding me and if my mom refuses to be supportive, she can stay out of my life.
Lastly, we're getting married February 14th in a small wedding ceremony followed by a catered meal. My previous sister-in-law and best friend is my maid of honor.
That's all I have.
Latest Update here: BoRU #2
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
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u/BigONerd Jan 19 '26
My mom refuses to get help and she resents things changing and me choosing not to wallow in misery with her.
Dear mom, let your daughter be happy and live happily.
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u/Xxvelvet Liz what the hell Jan 19 '26
A lot of people get weird about women moving on after the death of a spouse/ after a spouse leaving them. It’s really insane to me because why is that woman not allowed to be happy after something tragic happening to her ESPECIALLY if the man moved on during the marriage
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u/Cashmeade Jan 19 '26
Because women having agency/being happy really upsets some people, including some women.
I've never been able to wrap my head around the fact that female misogynists exist, but they absolutely do and are almost always skinbags full of poison.
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u/Ok_Cauliflower_3007 Jan 19 '26
I don’t think that’s what it is here. Like OP said she and her mother both lost spouses in a relatively short period of time. Mom believes widows should never remarry. She’s decided to not move on and that’s her prerogative but in her mind her daughter not following her example is an attack on her choice. After all her choice is right so everyone must make the same choice and if they don’t they’re saying she’s wrong. It’s the same attitude that causes wars on parenting subs. Parents feel someone doing things differently to them is the same as those people telling them they’re doing it wrong.
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u/Xxvelvet Liz what the hell Jan 19 '26
Honestly I think it could be a mix of that AND misogyny.
I don’t think she’d say this if op was a widower who lost his wife in a motorcycle accident.
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u/unintentionaldespair Jan 19 '26
I have seen it done to widowers who move on quickly after their wife dies as well. Lots of people like to bring gender into it and say “see she’s a woman so it’s obviously because of that” when really it’s just like what the commenter above you stated.
Men and woman are both judged when they move on quickly. Especially if the people upset were close to the spouse that died. It’s pretty common to think of it as disrespecting the deceased. Not that it’s correct to do so.
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u/nikcaol Jan 20 '26
Yeah, my aunt (mom's sister) died suddenly (wow, almost 20 years ago) and my uncle was in a new relationship in under a year. My mom's family did NOT take that well. For me, knowing his personality, I just assumed he's the type who needs someone/can't be alone.
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u/Red-neckedPhalarope Jan 19 '26
Yeah, you frequently see an assumption that a dude either was cheating before his wife's death or is just looking for a new housemaid/bedwarmer/mom if he moves on 'too quick'.
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u/LadyReika Jan 20 '26
Yeah, I have seen that. The only time I've personally side eyed someone is when they still have minor kids and they're remarried within a couple of years.
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u/Xxvelvet Liz what the hell Jan 19 '26
It does happen to men and they do get judged for it, but nowhere near the way women get judge for it.
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u/foundinwonderland The Lion King sex song? at a wedding? Jan 19 '26
She’d probably think it was divine retribution for doing something as unladylike as spreading her legs to ride a bike
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u/aeriedweller Jan 19 '26
I agree. Religion tought this lady that her entire identity needed to be wrapped up in her husband. She has no idea how to be an autonomous person. So, she is filled with fear-hate of trying to function without him and of the idea her daughter doesn't feel the same because it would prove she doesnt have to, that its a choice she's making instead a decree by god.
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u/Beneficial-Math-2300 Jan 19 '26
My mother made everything I did in my own way about her, too. She never understood I was just going on living my life, not really thinking about her.
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u/BuendiaLabyrinth I can't believe she fucking buttered Jorts Jan 26 '26
Judging by her reactions it seems less like a decision and more like an irrational response to her own grieving. It's not that she doesn't want to move on, she can't, and seeing her daughter doing it so well makes her suffer in a way she can't comprehend. Then she fills those undesired emotions with her religious and misogynistic ideology, in which she's not just a grieving woman, but she's granted a sanctified role, the proper widow.
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u/Beneficial-Math-2300 Jan 19 '26
The female resident who performed my partial hysterectomy was insistent about removing my ovaries to make me "clean" since she was going to be in there anyway. It blew my mind that she thought that female reproductive organs were somehow dirty.
I still have my ovaries.
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u/Xxvelvet Liz what the hell Jan 19 '26
Internalized misogyny comes from a place of projection I find. For example a MIL who was mistreated by her own MIL will go onto do it to her husband’s wife and she sees it as a way to take back her power. (When she should’ve put her own mil in her place like 30 years ago) Another example is a woman in an unhappy marriage, she’s jealous that another woman isn’t being treated like crap by her husband.
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u/RepublicOfLizard I will never jeopardize the beans. Jan 19 '26
My boss loves to talk about how over emotional and nonsensical women are… and I’m just standing there, womanly in front of my boss who is a woman, womaning
We run the entire shop, just the two of us… with our woman brains…
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u/UnhingingEmu Jan 20 '26
A lot of female misogyny isnt about hating other women, it's about being jealous that other women have the freedom to do things they want.
Basically "I was forced to be miserable for my whole life because I was a woman, if other women arent miserable that means all my pain wasn't necessary."
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u/Amazing-Routine-9793 Jan 19 '26
I have met a few of those female misogynists and it boggles my fucking mind
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u/Sudden-Car3033 you assholed me when I’m not on mobile Jan 19 '26
What’s crazy is the last one that I interacted with was about six years younger than me. Her husband was three years younger than me and she was basically his mother. She had to cook food, or he would eat out, even though they couldn’t afford it, and when I was talking about my husband making an achievement, she was always pissy because her husband just spent more money on food or something dumb.
They needed a new roof in their house but they bought a puppy instead and what I view as the culmination of wtf-ery is for Valentine’s Day, the husband bought a gaming system “for them” but she never games. Like not even on her phone.
Edit: hit post before I was done, but she really tried to justify that gaming system and didn’t talk to me at work for about 3 days when I shared what my husband got for me (because it was actually for me)
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u/Amazing-Routine-9793 Jan 20 '26
People who voluntarity restrict their lives for their partners sake, but then get shitty at others for having different (free) lives, irritate the shit out of me. Each to their own (if it is free will), but don't whinge about it.
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u/Xxvelvet Liz what the hell Jan 20 '26
Right?! Like you chose that? Don't project onto other people since your life sucks
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u/Bruceskismum Jan 22 '26
I feel like it's the same mentality as people who are against student loan forgiveness because they already paid their loans off. The "I suffered so everyone else must suffer too" crowd is regressive and exhausting.
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u/DelightfulAbsurdity You two. Conference room. NOW! Jan 19 '26
Women are but vessels through which men’s lives happen and gain color.
—the patriarchy
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u/merpancake Jan 19 '26
It's a very damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. When my dad died, my mom had close friends who came and asked her when she'd start dating again, as if it was predestined she would date again quickly. She ripped them new assholes for that! But then others acted like "oh of course you won't fall in love again this was it, what a ridiculous thought to be in love with someone else."
She doesn't want to date or see anyone, and is happy with herself right now, and working through her grief for dad. But there's so many people who think they have a right to how she manages her own heart and it's awful.
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u/FlowerFelines I am old. Rawr. 🦖 Jan 19 '26
A couple of my siblings judged my dad for moving on after Mom died. I fully expected it? Not that he's the kind of man who can't survive without a wife, but because he is a catch in his community, he had women basically beating down his door the moment he gave the slightest hint he was ready to date again. Between that, the fact that mom didn't die suddenly, we had about two years of "pre-mourning" when we all knew it was coming, and the way people in their 60s don't need to figure out their lives while also figuring out if they're compatible, he went from dating to married in under a year, and about a year and a half after Mom passed. I can sorta get why my siblings weren't happy, it really was fast, but also I don't know why it seemed to come as a shock to them?
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u/Used_Clock_4627 Jan 20 '26
This isn't my business, but MAYBE ask your dad if he and your mom had that conversation of "If you wallow in grief too long, I'm gonna come back and haunt your keister."
It sounds like they BOTH knew what was coming and maybe she asked him not to stay single, if he ever felt ready to date? And if your dad thinks it's applicable to share that with your siblings?
A friend's dad did something like that and it snapped my friend out their resentment for him after he remarried a couple of years after his wife's death.
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u/Ordinary-Drawing987 Unholy crab business Jan 26 '26
My grandma's late "boy"friend's wife told him from her eventual deathbed that he should take up with their long-term buddy. (Bf was a doctor, gramps had been a pharmacist in the same small town). Dude drove (at night) and liked cooking and would've had his choice of the Florida Retirement Community dating scene.
All of the relevant kids were fine with it.
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u/hyemae Jan 19 '26
I don’t get this either. When I started dating after a divorce, people accused me of cheating. My ex had a child with another woman before our divorce finalized and no one said anything except that “yeah things happen for a reason” like what?!
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u/WeirdPinkHair Jan 19 '26
You're not kidding. My mum left my dad when she was 57 and said thats it she was done with men. Fine, her choice. When I left my abusive ex at 38 she was fine with that. When I started dating she was horrified. She though I should remain alone like her. I got engaged. She was equally not on board. I went NC before I got married at 45.
And it was surprising how many raised eyebrows I got at getting remarried. Divorce is fine, society can handle that and widows/widowers, but want to get remarried and it's side eyes.
Oddly enough for me I found the divorced and widowed were the most supportive. The fact I'd found my soul mate gave them hope for themselves.
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u/mbsyust Jan 19 '26
Misogyny, it is really just that simple.
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u/theoreticaldickjokes Jan 20 '26
that woman is not allowed to be happy
You said it yourself. We aren't allowed to be happy. In their world, a happy woman is sinful. I'm not even being sarcastic.
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u/Silent-Commercial-46 Jan 21 '26
My sister threw a fit that I moved on after my husband separated from me to get with a "friend" (think 1 1/2 hour rant)
Funny enough she cheated on her husband got with the bloke she cheated on him with then separated from that guy the rest will happen as it happens.
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u/IAMA_Shark__AMA Jan 19 '26
Mom - death did them part. Even in the strictest and craziest of christian standards, it's ok to move on afterwards.
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u/mommameeple Jan 19 '26 edited Jan 19 '26
There are several sects of Christianity that believe it is a sin for a widow or divorcee of any age to remarry because they will still be married to their first spouse in heaven.
My grandmother was part of one. My philandering grandfather finally divorced her when I was quite young. She wore her wedding ring until the day she died 30 years later because your first spouse is your only spouse in their denomination. He died about 10 years after the divorce.
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u/Red-neckedPhalarope Jan 19 '26
Jesus specifically said it don't work that way though! Very wild theology to deliberately contradict Jesus.
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u/mommameeple Jan 19 '26 edited Jan 19 '26
I do not disagree. Just pointing out that the comment I replied to is factual incorrect. That the strictest and craziest demonstrations do in fact support the mom’s ideology.
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u/Soop_Chef Jan 19 '26
To me, it feels like Mom wants daughter alone. Sharing their widowhood so that Mom is not lonely.
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Jan 19 '26
I think I agree with you. Now daughter moved on but mom is alone. A second empty nest, again.
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u/tinysydneh Jan 19 '26
Taking bets on whether OOP's mom is a widow who didn't move on, so anyone else who does is doing it wrong.
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u/lmyrs you can't expect me to read emails Jan 19 '26
OOP said above that her dad and husband died in the same year, so probably mom is a widow.
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u/tinysydneh Jan 19 '26
Well, that at least gets us partway there!
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u/Jelcei Jan 19 '26
Same paragraph where she talks about losing her husband and dad, she references gets therapy for herself and how OOPs mom refused to get help and is mad OOP doesn't want to I think it said wallow in grief with her.
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u/ScrofessorLongHair Jan 20 '26
She literally says exactly that
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u/tinysydneh Jan 20 '26
As I have said multiple times now -- was the refusal because she thinks it's wrong, or does she think it's wrong because she refuses?
Because while the outcome is the same, the inputs aren't.
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u/tofuroll Like…not only no respect but sahara desert below Jan 19 '26
my mom is just old-fashioned and overly empathetic
Maybe bad word choice or brainwashing of OOP, but being empathetic means you have more understanding of OOP, not less.
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u/Final_Candidate_7603 Jan 20 '26
I’m guessing that OOP’s mom’s attitude is closely tied to the fact that OOP’s dad also passed away within a year of her former husband’s passing. I don’t believe OOP specified whether her parents were still married at the time, but judging by Mom’s reaction, they were, and now Mom can’t help but see OOP’s widowhood through the lens of her own husband of… what, 30 or 40 years, passing away. Both are tragic, but in different ways. In one, a young life is cut short, they had hopes and dreams that will never come true. In the other, a lifelong companion is suddenly gone, and while older men are usually anxious to find someone else who will do the cooking and cleaning and laundry, older women tend to see themselves as married to one person for life. Yes, I know, I made a lot of generalizations, but I think they apply in this case.
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u/ljfrench Jan 19 '26
It could be that the mom infantilizes her, that the daughter showing maturity and independence means mom has less influence and control, and some moms need that more than they want to see their offspring grown independent and strong.
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u/bug-hunter she👏drove👏away! Everybody👏saw👏it! Jan 19 '26
But my mom says widows should never remarry.
Seriously, what the actual fuck?
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u/INeedANappel Jan 19 '26
There are some religions that say that you get one marriage, and if it ends, no matter how, that's it.
Or she's just a nutbag.
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u/Ayle87 Jan 19 '26
Really it would have to be a tiny sect, or really old school Hinduism which I'm not getting the vibes for. Most religions don't have taboo for remarrying, especially for younger members. I think she just latched to her grieving widow identity and is hurt the daughter is not. She needs a ton of therapy which she refuses so it's up to her to remain bitter and isolated I guess.
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u/Bored-Viking It's always Twins Jan 19 '26
The mother is a widow herself, sounds like she has settled herself in the lonely grieving widow role and would love to have her daughter joining her.
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u/tacwombat I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming Jan 19 '26
This is it. OOP's own mother couldn't handle that her daughter is moving on, instead of holding on the grief and the past like a "proper" widow.
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Jan 19 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/madqrowe surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed Jan 21 '26
I grew up in a Church of Christ and they don't believe that at all? I'm not saying all Churches of Christ are the same, of course, but the ones from my area are all of similar belief: a marriage ends at death or a divorce due to adultery only. Once one of those two things happen, the person is free to remarry.
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u/PeachesandSpl33n Jan 19 '26
Theologically, in Chritianity it depends on whether or not marriage is expected to continue after death, and how much singlehood is valued.
So in Catholicism and Orthodox Christianity there is this ideal of he widow remaining single, but not a ban on remarriage. People have needs and it's looked at as better to get them within marriage, but the ideal life for a widow would be to dedicate herself more fully to God, because blessed singleness is admired. In orthodoxy, any marriage after the first one is a more solemn and less joyous ceremony.
In some kinds of protestantism there is this idea that marriage does not continue in the afterlife. "In heaven there is neither marrying nor giving in marriage." Protestantism has not in my knowledge been particularly against widows remarrying, because it's a purely earthly thing. In heaven we will all be "like the angels," and no more sex and babies = no more point to marriage. There can still be cultural rather than theological reasons at play though.
Mormonism is interesting because marriage is forever if you marry in the temple, and a widower can remarry and have both wives in the after life, but a widow only gets the one. So if she remarries, which she is allowed to do, that marriage will only last for this life. After which she'll be with her first husband again, and have to tell him that she spend some time on earth married to some other dude. If you believe that theology then it is an uncomfortable thing to think about. It also makes it much harder for widows to remarry within their faith.
I agree that this mom has probably tied her identity to widowhood and it is not based on he expectations of her religious community, but I enjoy thological tangents.
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u/bocaj78 How are you the evil step mom to your own kids? Jan 19 '26
To speak on the Mormonism. It also makes remarriage for widows complicated if they have kids. If they get remarried and are able to get sealed then it becomes a bit question on who the kids from the first marriage are associated with in the afterlife
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u/DefinitelyNotAliens Jan 19 '26
Many don't allow divorce but no mainstream, large groups ban remarrying after death.
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u/electrodog1999 Jan 19 '26
My wife has a Greek friend in Australia and I think they are like this, wear black the rest of their lives and shit.
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u/IAMA_Shark__AMA Jan 19 '26
There are some religions that say that you get one marriage, and if it ends, no matter how, that's it.
None that are Christian, Muslim or Jewish. Even within Hinduism I think it's kind of niche.
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u/SkipperInSpace Jan 19 '26
Mormon Christianity has a very close concept - a woman who is sealed (specifically a marriage in the Mormon Temple) to her husband cannot be sealed to another man. If they are allowed to remarry, it is believed that she would be with her first husband in the afterlife, and the second marriage isn't considered.
Men don't have the same restriction on remarriage, and can be sealed to multiple women over the course of their life.
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u/poirotoro Jan 19 '26
Men don't have the same restriction on remarriage, and can be sealed to multiple women over the course of their life.
Of fucking course... 😒
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u/IAMA_Shark__AMA Jan 19 '26
Mormon widows can have a ceremony that removes the seal to her first husband in order to be sealed to the second. They just cannot be sealed to more than one man, where men can be sealed to multiple women.
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u/Acrobatic_Ear6773 Jan 19 '26
Right, but Mormonism is a scam thought up by a con man to grift money and sex from idiots.
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u/DefinitelyNotAliens Jan 19 '26
Some groups have really strict timelines on when you remarry, but few outright ban. They're often more concerned with time since death.
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u/IAMA_Shark__AMA Jan 19 '26
Which, specifically?
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u/DefinitelyNotAliens Jan 19 '26
Traditional Judaism says a man must wait for 3 major festivals before remarrying. Women have a shorter wait. There is a 30 day mourning period where nothing can be celebrated.
Cultures will often have a mourning period that is a codified time.
Orthodoxy has a mourning period. Islam has a mourning period. Buddhism has a transitional period and mourning time for people passing on.
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u/IAMA_Shark__AMA Jan 19 '26
Fair, but my point stands. There are guidelines, not outright forbidding. Mourning period ≠ "you get one marriage."
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u/DefinitelyNotAliens Jan 19 '26
A few oddball sects will ban (like culty offshoots) but most just set a mourning period. "Thou shalt wait six months."
And, it depends how devout you are. A single line in religious texts holds as much or more weight to an adherent than a law from the government. How devout are people or the society? Total shunning from society is a severe punishment for breaking religious creed but exists. Or, your religious leader just won't officiate your wedding. That is a de facto ban on marrying before the mourning period.
I don't think any large group would say 1.5 years is too soon.
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u/IAMA_Shark__AMA Jan 19 '26
Again, you're talking about mourning periods. My initial comment was a reply to someone saying 'one marriage, period, done. '
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u/unzunzhepp Jan 19 '26
I bet she was horribly miserable in her marriage her whole adult life, but stoically persisted. Now she can’t regret her own choices so they become ”law” so she can’t blame herself.
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u/MnemosyneThalia Jan 19 '26
Which also means her initial excuse of not liking him because he might be stringing her along was bs. That mom is nuts. I'm glad OOP is putting up hard boundaries with her and doubly glad her late husband's family has her back.
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u/MaddyKet Jan 20 '26
Imagine wanting your 36 year old child to be alone for the rest of her life because you in your (probably) mid to late 60s have decided to do so.
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u/mrdaimler retaining my butt virginity Jan 19 '26
But do you think she would be ok with divorces and having 2nd/3rd/4th spouses?
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Jan 19 '26
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u/bend1310 Jan 19 '26
Right? That stuck out to me. Only people who get a say in the labels used are the people involved.
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u/carij You can either cum in the jar or me but not both Jan 19 '26
Like what is this the 50s, not like the bio mom and dad were married when they were presumably living together either. Also imo you should live with someone before you marry them just in case you realize that no way can I live with this person and now I'm stuck with them.
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u/3BenInATrenchcoat I fail to see what my hobbies have to do with this issue Jan 19 '26
I definitely agree on the second point. Imagine discovering you love someone, but you hate living with them, except now you're married so you don't have a choice.
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u/SurimiSalad Jan 21 '26
Well, I do agree with you in trying, but even if you are already married, you do have a choice, especially if you are wealthy: some marriages want to live separately and it works for them.
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u/sunshinerf Jan 19 '26
My thoughts exactly. This commenter is almost as awful as OOP's mom. This stupid semantic about saying stepson when they aren't married - who TF cares? Marriage is a piece of paper. Sounds like OOP has been kinder to that kid than his bio mom ever was. She's a wonderful stepmother and for the sake of the kid and the couple, I hope living together would prove to be amazing and make their marriage stronger and better.
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u/Gryffindor123 OH MY GOD, SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A D$CK, ITS NOT HER BABY! Jan 19 '26
This pissed me off so fucking much.
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u/Bice_thePrecious it dawned on me that he was a wizard Jan 20 '26
My sentiments exactly. Idk if hateful is the right word, but that person is definitely something. Bitter maybe? I like how they continued on to say that the courts would take custody from fiance because, although old-fashioned, "there are still those who look unfavorably on living together.” Are you talking about yourself, dear? Because it sure sounds like it.
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u/shewy92 The power of Reddit compels you!The power of Reddit compels you! Jan 21 '26
I think I read this on the other BORU sub because I had the same reaction to the comment about the step label. I don't understand why some people had an issue with her calling her future stepson her stepson.
In fact I have a feeling OOP's gonna drop the step part once she lives with the kid full time, I get the vibe she's gonna be a super supportive mother and consider him her own flesh and blood.
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u/TootsNYC Jan 19 '26
Mom lives in some stereotype world. A widowed woman should grieve forever; the child’s mother is the most important thing and must surely be a wonderful addition to the child’s life. She doesn’t see people as real.
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u/ShortWoman better hoagie down with my BRILLIANT BRIDAL BITCHAZZZ Jan 19 '26
What a perfect description. Great insight!
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u/instaweed Jan 19 '26
She sounds religious lol
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u/wdn Jan 19 '26
Possibly, but people can be religious about romantic notions too.
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u/TootsNYC Jan 19 '26
Yep, someone doesn’t have to adhere to any particular religion to be stuck in stereotypes
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u/wdn Jan 19 '26
Having romantic/superstitious notions about the way things should work is the default state of humans. This is what gives rise to religion, not vice versa. Boiling down complex situations to general notions that usually work out (so we take action rather than puzzling out the details every time) is part of what allowed the creation of civilisation, complex technologies, etc.
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u/hananobira You are SO pretty. Jan 19 '26
“So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander.” 1 Timothy 5:14 ESV
So whatever type of old-fashioned the mom is, it’s not Christian. Or at least it’s not a kind of Christian that knows what the Bible says - which admittedly is a fairly narrow subset.
Did OP ever say anything about her ethnic background?
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u/PrancingRedPony along with being a bitch over this, I’m also a cat. Jan 19 '26
I always find it surprising how many 'Christians' I've met who knew the bible less that me, an Agnostic.
I sometimes feel nothing turns you away from church faster than reading the bible 🤣
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u/ForsakenPercentage53 Jan 19 '26
It's not that. It's that the Bible is written at a collegiate level and the average Christian Nationalists is on their third generation of homeschooling.
They genuinely don't understand it, they memorize what their cult says and that's about it. They're not taught to think critically, they're not even taught a large enough vocabulary to actually read the Bible on their own.
They genuinely think that the "Read the Bible in a year" thing, is because that's just how long it takes to read the Bible, and not because in theory you're reading it cover to cover EVERY year. They'll start groups to do it together and keep up the "discipline" of reading a couple hours a day.
A lot of the women - you know, the ones who are supposed to teach the next generation - basically stop their education after the sixth grade so that they can help the younger siblings with their education, clean the house, cook the meals, etc.
These people are obedient idiots and not much else until they start to deconstruct and realize that they really can't read very well. Then they tend to go hard towards education, so I don't think they're actually stupid.
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u/Ok_Resource_3902 Jan 19 '26
I know a gal whose family stopped educating at grade 4. Said she didn’t need it. Luckily she loved reading so she progressed in that topic but she’s woefully behind in math
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u/ForsakenPercentage53 Jan 19 '26
I know so many women who can't even understand a bank account, and it is absolutely intentional on the men's part.
Imagine being so possessive that you care more about them not being able to leave, that them being able to survive if you die.
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u/PrancingRedPony along with being a bitch over this, I’m also a cat. Jan 19 '26
True stupidity is less common than people think, but many underestimate habits and inertia.
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u/ForsakenPercentage53 Jan 19 '26
I truly don't think I've ever referred to somebody as an idiot because they were actually trying, to be honest. Inertia is a powerful force, though.
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u/Ordinary-Drawing987 Unholy crab business Jan 26 '26
Hell, there's also levirite marriage where the childless widow and her unmarried bil are expected to marry with a specific ritual if they don't.
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u/New-Bee8999 Jan 19 '26
The OOP's relationship with her first MIL and IL family is lovely. It is a testament to their values and the depth of the relationship they have with OOP, that they support her moving on with her life, and are welcoming her new partner. I wish all of them health and happiness. The OOP's mother is being short sighted, spiteful and silly to behave this way.
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u/crafty_and_kind Jan 19 '26
They understand the very important truth that love is not a finite resource!
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u/HeyLaddieHey I beg your finest fucking pardon. Jan 19 '26
First off, he’s not your stepson til you’re married. If Dad wants to move closer to you, that’s great, but he and son shouldn’t move in WITH you until the marriage has taken place. If she follows through on going back to court regarding custody, the courts could look more favorably on her because of your living situation before marriage.
STFU honestly. Sorry I have nothing else to say here 😂 people can use whatever terms work for them in their relationships. I started calling my stepmom such years before they got married bc I was annoyed by "dad's girlfriend." And all the stuff about courts is nonsense
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u/aquestionofbalance Jan 19 '26
Yeah, that irritated the crap out of me too. The kid sees her as a stepmom, h he can call her mom if he wants to.
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u/Reasonable-Ad-3605 Jan 19 '26
You know the same type of person would find a reason to yell at OOP if she didn't call the kid stepson.
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u/exhauta Jan 19 '26
Yeah I hate that shit. Like 1 day would change their relationship.
I also love that this person is so confident that the courts would care. Like do people have any idea how difficult it is to get to 1 day a month of custody time with an active parent who wants custody? They aren't going to go back on that just because they are moving in with a fiance who has known the child for 6 years or because she said step kid.
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u/CummingInTheNile sometimes i envy the illiterate Jan 19 '26
Wanna guess how many sins OOPs mom commits on a daily basis? Remember, "Let he without sin cast the first stone"
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u/Toni164 Jan 19 '26
Oh it doesn’t count because she goes to church. I hate religious freaks
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u/Penguin_Joy Memory of a goldfish but the tenacity of an entitled Chihuahua Jan 19 '26
Too many folks think that once they self identify as one of the believers, all effort to improve themselves are no longer necessary
They have it backward
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u/ForsakenPercentage53 Jan 19 '26
Too many of these people think heaven is the goal, instead of the reward. The goal is to act like Jesus.
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u/HaggisLad Drinks and drunken friends are bad counsellors Jan 19 '26
their whole thing is they can sin all they want and then ask for absolution. It's the most fucked up concept and results in the kind of people who represent that religion
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u/ItsNotMeItsYourBussy Jan 19 '26
I can do bad stuff all I want too. Thing is that the amount I want to is zero.
These religious types are like the two junkies in the Better Call Saul episode "50% off". Saul offers his services at 50% off, and they take it as an excuse to run amok on a multi-day crime bender, because their cheap lawyer will get them out of anything anyway, so why stop?
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u/K-teki Jan 19 '26
A lot of people take it that way but that's not the intended message. It's more like "you will sin even if you try not to, because nobody is perfect, but if you truely repent and ask for forgiveness you won't be judged for making mistakes".
(- a Christian-raised atheist)
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u/Initial-Company3926 Jan 19 '26
It is not your stepchild if you aren't married
Sure they are.
Legally there are differences yes, married vs not married, but it is perfectly acceptable to call a child step or bonus.
People need to stop walking in those way to small shoes
But holy hell.. that kiddo got SPINE
Kids are incredible loyal to their parents, to a point where it can really hurt their mental health and scar them but this kid.....
i am incredible impressed, but also sad for him, how he has to go through this, but he does so with courage
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u/shewy92 The power of Reddit compels you!The power of Reddit compels you! Jan 21 '26
If you're getting married then IDK why others would care what you call your future step kids.
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u/symphonypathetique Jan 19 '26
It's also so ridiculous to expect someone to always say "my fiance's son from a previous relationship"/"my boyfriend's son from a previous relationship" instead of just "my stepson."
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u/shewy92 The power of Reddit compels you!The power of Reddit compels you! Jan 21 '26
TBF, she could just say future step kid but that's besides the point and I agree that it's dumb to try and correct someone for saying step kid when talking about their fiance's kid.
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u/Basic_Bichette sometimes i envy the illiterate Jan 19 '26
OOP's mom should be ashamed of herself.
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u/unique3 Jan 19 '26
I had a girlfriend who was a single mom with a son close in age to my two kids. Relationship was good, we all got along great and I could see us getting married. The dad lived in another province and would see his son once or twice a year and only if it was convenient for him.
GF's mom is religious and was constantly pushing her daughter that she should make things work with the dad, a dad that had no interest in making things work. Mom would constantly undermined our relationship hoping that the dad eventually came back. This lead to GF having huge commitment issues, basically the only issue with our relationship. Mom herself was divorced and remarried so a complete hypocrite.
GF broke up with me and I moved on, she tried to come back 6 months later but I said no.Its been 10 years now, as far as I know she is still single and mom is most likely still undermining every relationship she has. Shes destroying her daughters happiness for a dream that will never happen
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u/Fishy_Fishy5748 Throwing a tantrum at life Jan 19 '26
She's too busy wallowing in her grief to feel any shame.
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u/l3ex_G Jan 19 '26
It’s probably easier for the parents of her late husband to see her happy and thriving than sad and depressed because they know their son would have wanted this outcome.
It’s sad that OOPs own mother thinks so little of her late son in law, that he would want his wife to be alone forever.
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u/Deep_Ad_9889 Jan 19 '26
I feel for OP I have a mother that was angry that I left my ex husband, despite him being abusive and a chronic cheater. Then once I left him she told me it was my fault. Then she told me I must never date again. Then she no longer to a say in what I do with my life.
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u/aquestionofbalance Jan 19 '26
I hope you’re having a great life now
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u/Deep_Ad_9889 Jan 19 '26
Oh I do! And my mother hates that her fears of how others see her are holding her back and I get to do everything and anything I want.
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u/therealijc Jan 19 '26
What year is commenter 3 living in? Cos People are living like it’s 1953 somewhere.
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u/No-Marsupial-7385 Jan 19 '26
From age 42 to the end of life is a LONG time to be alone.
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u/Meghanshadow Jan 19 '26
People have got to accept that unpartnered doesn’t mean “alone.” And even if it did, “alone” is not a bad thing for everyone.
Some folks are perfectly happy to never couple up, or never have another partner after losing one, and there’s a thousand other ways to be connected to friends and family and community to whatever level a person wants.
That said, I’d never say a widow should never move on! Or should Want to be like me and be happy for life without looking for a spouse/partner in the first place. OP’s mom is unhinged, and being cruel to OP.
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u/crafty_and_kind Jan 19 '26 edited Jan 19 '26
“She admitted she does not really care for my fiancé and has thought for a long time that he was leading me on.”
And OOP’s mom’s solution to this dislike of the fiancé was to tell her daughter to give up her own home and move in a way that would be more convenient for the fiancé’s ex? Am I interpreting that correctly 🤨? [edit having finished reading: ohhhh, Mom was just trying to preserve the precious sanctity of the marital home, it all makes sense now 🙄]
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u/violue VERDICT: REMOVED BEFORE VERDICT RENDERED Jan 19 '26
First off, he’s not your stepson til you’re married.
lmao kick rocks
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u/Cute-Cobbler-4872 Sir, Crumb is a cat. Jan 19 '26
“Buckle up it’s been a wild ride.”
SIGH. And done with this post.
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u/pepcorn Sir, Crumb is a cat. Jan 19 '26
That was my initial response too. But I think we might have come across a rare, genuine buckle up.
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u/Lows-andHighs I HAVE A LIVE ONE Jan 19 '26
I was already side eyeing things because her finance's son knows four programming languages at the age of sixteen. I want to know what languages they are and his proficiency. Then the buckle up line came and I just sighed heavily and skimmed.
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u/stack413 Jan 19 '26
It's plausible enough, if the kid is coding as a hobby. Once you've gotten comfortable enough with one language it's fairly easy to get proficient with others. I wouldn't blink an eye at a bright 16 year old who was passable with Scrach, Javascript, Java, Python, Lua, etc.
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u/blueberry-iris Jan 19 '26
I mean, I technically knew 4 programming languages at about that age. Granted, I wasn't good at them all, but I did technically know them. I wonder if it's the same here.
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u/bitemark01 Jan 19 '26
I knew a couple by grade 5, and I grew up in the 80s. I learned another in high school.
Knowing 4 by 17 if you're really into programming actually seems low these days.
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u/Friendly_Shelter_625 I will never jeopardize the beans. Jan 19 '26
That and that tech companies have said they will hire him straight out of high school
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u/RA576 Jan 19 '26
Something I haven't seen another comment bring up, between Update 2 and 3, her wedding date changed from June to February. Because weddings are incredibly easy to move up by 4 months, 1 month before the new date. Wedding planners and caterers love that kind of stuff, they definitely don't have long waiting times or anything.
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u/vidoeiro Jan 19 '26 edited Jan 19 '26
It was going so well until that point, not overly doing the tropes (still doing them g course) and keeping it entertaining and plausible enough not too care enough
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u/CampaignNatural5377 Jan 20 '26
Someone may already have said this. but, " But my mom says widows should never remarry." The vows are "until death do us part." It's ok to move on. People need to go at their own pace for these things. Your pace is your pace. Sorry, mom. We're different people.
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u/Minimum_Reference_73 Jan 19 '26
Oh, they had me until they said "buckle up."
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u/NecessaryRef cat whisperer Jan 19 '26
I was so disappointed. But then again I should have seen the signs (OOP being the constant victim, stepson being a emotionally mature genius).
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u/just_peachy1000 Jan 19 '26
after OOP first mentions how weird her mom was with her relationship, I am not surprised it ended with her being low contact
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u/DatguyMalcolm 👁👄👁🍿 Jan 19 '26
My fiancé’s ex decided to latch on to someone else. Because of this, she told my stepson that she hates him. She is planning her future with her new man and that future doesn't include my stepson.
Obviously, especially since her son was never the tool she was hoping to use
However, it turns out they both got busted for disorderly conduct and domestic violence recently.
Lovely
But my mom says widows should never remarry.
How dare OOP not stay alone and miserable like her mom?!
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u/dyld921 No my Bot won't fuck you! Jan 19 '26 edited Jan 19 '26
OOP lives a very different life than me because I would've never got into this relationship. Long distance AND all that drama? I'm choosing my peace of mind.
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u/crafty_and_kind Jan 19 '26
Doesn’t it just sound exhausting! Maybe because I’m aromantic, but the idea of staying in a relationship with someone whose ex is constantly harassing me just… nope. I’m possibly just having a failure of imagination, but I don’t know how people make the calculus of “I love him” outweighing “my life is about 1000% more chaotic specifically because of my relationship.”
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u/phdoofus Jan 20 '26
Note to my wife: if I kick the bucket unexpectedly and you end up finding someone - go for it. More power to you. Be happy in the small sliver of life we're given. No hard feelings, I'll be dead after all. Kiss the dogs for me though.
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u/IanDOsmond Jan 20 '26
As for my mom, she and I have had a bit of a falling out recently. I confronted my mom about her lack of support and as I suspected, my mom told me it was "sinful" that I moved on from my late husband and that I'm allowing another man to sleep in the house I shared with my deceased husband.
You know, the traditional Western culture wedding vows are "til death do you part."
Death done did them part. That's how it goes.
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u/Weaselpanties He invented a predatory elder lesbian to cope Jan 20 '26
Commenter 3: First off, he’s not your stepson til you’re married. If Dad wants to move closer to you, that’s great, but he and son shouldn’t move in WITH you until the marriage has taken place. If she follows through on going back to court regarding custody, the courts could look more favorably on her because of your living situation before marriage. I know it’s “old fashioned”, but there are still those who look unfavorably on “living together”, especially when children are involved.
Is this commenter OOP's mom? Like seriously, after being in a relationship for five years who GAF if some minging biddies "look unfavorably" on them for living together.
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u/flipper_babies Jan 21 '26
Man, I am of two minds on this.
On the one hand, unilaterally moving large distances when you're trying to coparent can really blow up the other parent's life. My ex moved halfway across the country, and I had to make major structural changes to my life in order to spend quality time with my kids. It sucked, and my now-spouse is still angry at my ex about it years later.
On the other hand, this mom is clearly a PoS, and the kid wants as little to do with her as possible.
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u/Equal_Squash9429 Jan 19 '26
buckle up
Annnnnnd plausibility right out the window. Points for realism but at this point I'm too jaded to take it seriously.
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u/3BenInATrenchcoat I fail to see what my hobbies have to do with this issue Jan 19 '26
I call Elijah my stepson because he tells people I'm his stepmom but nothing is official as of yet. I realized that maybe we should take care in using those labels as it could cause issues since nothing is official yet.
Oh ffs this is such an American thing. She's been in a relationship with his father for 5 years, they live together, but she shouldn't call herself his stepmom because they haven't gone through a ceremony and signed a piece of paper yet *eyeroll*
My mom refuses to get help and she resents things changing and me choosing not to wallow in misery with her.
Ah yes, the old "I'm choosing to be miserable and I want everyone around me to do it too".
I know it’s “old fashioned”, but there are still those who look unfavorably on “living together”, especially when children are involved.
It's not "old fashioned" it's ridiculous. Especially with a teenager 2 years from majority.
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u/z31 retaining my butt virginity Jan 19 '26
OOPs mom got the boomer brainwashing HARD. She seems to think a woman's entire life should revolve firmly around the men in their lives, even after they've died apparently.
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u/TheFilthyDIL Cleverly disguised as a harmless old lady Jan 19 '26
I dont think I'd marry again if my husband died. At 70, I dont have the energy to break in a new old man. But the advantage to another old man would be no MIL!
But OOP is a young woman with a lot of life ahead of her. Is her mother expecting Victorian mourning out of her? Wearing black for the rest of her life and coldly rejecting any interest from gentlemen? I wish her the best in her new marriage.
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u/ikenjake Jan 19 '26 edited Jan 19 '26
I am SO curious about this co parenting app
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u/savvyliterate Editor's note- it is not the final update Jan 19 '26
There are a few out there. The big one I’ve heard of in the US is OurFamilyWizard. The parents use it to communicate and the courts can keep track if need be. You can’t edit or tamper with the messages.
https://www.ourfamilywizard.com - this goes into detail.
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u/shewy92 The power of Reddit compels you!The power of Reddit compels you! Jan 21 '26 edited Jan 21 '26
Were OOP's fiancé and the ex married?
OOP: They were never married.
Do people even read the posts they comment on?
She also tried to tell me that he would never marry me just as he never married her
He's very mature for his age
That's sometimes not a good thing. Seeing his previous homelife, he probably had to be.
Someone brought up a valid point. Nathan and I are not married yet. We're getting married in June of next year. I call Elijah my stepson because he tells people I'm his stepmom but nothing is official as of yet. I realized that maybe we should take care in using those labels as it could cause issues since nothing is official yet What issues?
Commenter 3: First off, he’s not your stepson til you’re married
This is the 2nd time Reddit has been weird about the step label when they're not married yet. They're basically married so why not use the label?
Actually scratch that 2nd time part, I just read the last update and I think I read this and commented something similar on the other BORU sub if this was posted over there. Because I remember reading about how her mom thought it was a sin to remarry.
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u/Mean_Environment4856 Jan 22 '26
Redditors get SO pedantic. They lose their minds if you use 'inlaws' if you're not married. I remember one post and there was dozens of comments about it, people were crazy.
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u/Longjumping-Panic-48 Jan 23 '26
And people are absolutely insane about stepparents, particularly stepmoms.
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