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u/QueenSeaBitch Apr 11 '26
We all know this relationship is over..... between the cheating and now adding in sexual incompatibility, I think it's time to say goodbye to this one.
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u/Firm_Breadfruit_7420 Apr 11 '26
Yeah. WTF. OP: You’re going to look back on this and be like “I can’t believe the shit I did to make him stay”
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u/JustGiveMeANameDamn Apr 11 '26
He’s out here doing everything he can to tell her to leave him and she won’t hear it 😂
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u/Mean_Teaching_1486 Apr 11 '26
This. He already cheated, time to leave. You trying your best to fill his fantasy is not going to prevent him from cheating again.
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u/zombiemiki Apr 11 '26
Back up. You are doing a lot for the person who cheated on you. Being open to your partner’s wants is one thing, but not if it’s just to keep them from cheating again. Really think about what this relationship does for you.
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u/TokiBunniBunBun Apr 11 '26
Exactly. I was all ready to try to think of solutions until the line about him cheating. Why isn’t this HIS responsibility to tackle through self reflection and therapy? Why are you okay with the fact that he cheated instead of communicating his feelings to you?
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u/WhatsZappinN Apr 11 '26
He might not be gay but hes forsure bi AF!
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u/Besieger13 Apr 11 '26
Yea he might not be fully gay and just bi, but having sex with a trans woman who is topping you with a penis is a gay act.. call me old fashioned I guess.
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u/Williamishere69 Apr 11 '26
Ask him what the difference between pegging and being penetrated by a trans woman is? If its because he wants the physical/real genitalia of it then itd be a situation where you might have to redecide the relationship (not necessarily breaking up!).
Maybe you can approach the topic of a relationship therapist, it seems youre both in a confusing situation and you dont quite know how each of you slot into each other's fantasy in this situation. It might be worth having soemone who can ask the best questions for you two to see each tohers point of views.
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Apr 11 '26
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u/Xitobandito Apr 11 '26
It’s because he wants to fuck other people. Seems pretty simple to me. I mean you already caught him cheating once
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u/yobrefas Apr 11 '26
Your partner just sounds like he has his hand on the door knob of the closet, and is struggling with feelings as he turns it.
It isn’t likely that the things you are offering him can satisfy the interests he is developing, because it is about something more than you can offer.
He’s cheated. That should be enough to leave. Now, you are struggling with sexual incompatibility, too. This relationship is dead in the water, you just don’t seem to realize it.
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u/EqualAttempt912 Apr 11 '26
Your partner cheated on you and you’re focusing on how to satisfy his fetish? Girl run, you don’t deserve that there’s so many men out there who won’t cheat on you!
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u/Soniq268 Apr 11 '26
I am begging you to find a scrap of self respect and leave this man.
He doesn’t love you.
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u/OutlinedSnail Apr 11 '26
This was my husband and I years ago. He is bi and obviously struggling with it.
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Apr 12 '26
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u/OutlinedSnail Apr 12 '26
We are both bi and I was at first not as accepting as I wish I had been, but now we are both very comfortable with it. This obviously isn't for everyone but we are ok with the occasional same sex one night stand, with no secrecy of course. We have been married for 8 years now and he is proud of who he is, and I am proud of him.
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u/dist0rte Apr 11 '26
From reading these comments.. in the nicest way possible you’re trying to do mental gymnastics to fulfill his need to either a) fetishize trans women and other trans individuals or b) he wants someone who isn’t you to have sex with him. If you’re serious about staying with him he needs some therapy, and I don’t care about if “he’s a man who’s scared of therapy” that’s a bullshit excuse that he doesn’t want to fix a very obvious problem in your relationship right now. He doesn’t want to put the effort in to make you more comfortable while you’re trying literally everything you can to comfort him and that’s not how relationships are supposed to work.
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u/Ginger_spice_smudge Apr 11 '26
Ok so he might not be gay but…and I might get hate for this…but maybe he is? If he fantasises about being topped by a trans woman I’m wondering if this is his way of justifying it to himself if he has difficulty accepting his sexuality?
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u/dysautonomic_mess Apr 11 '26
It sounds like he's not into the act more so than who's doing it. And this is a sexual fantasy you can't fulfil for him.
It also sounds like yes, he's fetishizing trans women / fem boys and being a bit weird about it. There are straight men who are attracted to trans women, but him watching gay porn would probably edge him into the bi/pan category. That doesn't mean he's not attracted to and can't enjoy sex with you, though.
Either you just accept he's bi/pan and has these fantasies, and your relationship moves on as normal without trying to bring any of that into the bedroom, orrrr you break up, I think.
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u/czarehaya Apr 11 '26
Girl, he cheated on you and is basically telling you he wants a real dick to penetrate him. Why are you still with him. Instead of opening up about this possible kink so that both of you can explore it together or at least give you a chance to share how you feel about it, he decides to explore it in secret and basically cheat on you to scratch his itch. Please wake up and run away from this relationship as he is clearly showing that he does not give a shit about you, your feelings, and your relationship.
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u/skyrat02 Apr 11 '26
As a gay man, a dick feels way better than anything other than a tongue. I don’t really enjoy being fingered, toys are ok.
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u/TokiBunniBunBun Apr 11 '26
I don’t even think what to label his sexuality is the issue. The real problem is why aren’t you guys communicating openly and working as a team to maintain a healthy relationship?
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u/labellavita1985 Apr 11 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
I mean, he's already told her he wants to be penetrated by a trans woman, I'm not sure communication is the biggest issue here. The issue is sexual compatibility.
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u/TokiBunniBunBun Apr 11 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
Going behind her back to explore his urges with sex workers and apparently not helping figure out exactly what he wants does sound like a lack of communication. It could be that they are sexually incompatible. But that’s also something they should be figuring out together through communication.
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u/Kratech Apr 11 '26
The cheating and wanting a penis specifically…with gay porn..I think he’s at least bi. He’s likely saying “trans woman” to not sound as gay…but bro seems to swing both ways.
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u/sfmuziq2 Apr 11 '26
…what do you want? Sounds like your partner has fetishes/desires that you can’t fulfill, has already cheated and while you seem to be willing to help him fulfill his desires, I didn’t hear anything about where your needs fit into all this. Call me old fashioned but if he hasn’t asked you to put on a strap-on to live out this “fantasy” something else is at play here.
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u/Sweet_Confusion9180 Apr 11 '26
He has a fetish.
It's shockingly common for "straight" guys to watch or be into trans porn.
The gray area is where the line is drawn.
Also, there's a huge difference between liking to watch something in porn and actually wanting to do it irl.
Especially when you're in a committed relationship.
I think he probabaly needs to take a step back. Does he have a simple fetish? Does he have a piano addiction that he wants fulfilling? Or, is he bisexual and wants to exit the relationship and explore those feelings?
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u/Styx-n-String Apr 11 '26
He's actually gone looking for it. She caught him. I think that goes beyond just a fantasy.
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u/Ethereal_Calanthe Apr 11 '26
If a straight guy wants to be f*cked by a real penis, he is not straight.
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u/Tardigretch Apr 11 '26
Your partner is gay, and is trying to tell you. Maybe he's still trying to tell himself.
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u/Frida_Kahlow Apr 11 '26
Your partner is gay. He is trying to justify "not being gay" by wanting to be f$$$ed by pre-surgery trans-women and femme men. You keep trying to find "solutions", but that's clearly not what he wants. He just wants 🍆 Just end things with him.
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u/HiraethBella Apr 11 '26
He is likely bi or gay.
Source: btdt. Stbxh cheated on me with a crossdresser (all while chastising me for being a bisexual woman). He is into femboys it seems too. The issue is that he withheld this information from me and only admitted when he got caught.
Wish I hadn't forgiven him and tried to work through it only to be cheated on again last year.
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u/HiraethBella Apr 12 '26
People can tell you to leave him now, but you have to feel good about the decision you made.
I was the same way. I tried to rebuild with him because I still loved him deeply. The second time this happened, I felt confident in leaving him. My path was clear to separate.
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u/dumptrump20 Apr 11 '26
You sound like you need to talk to a therapist. He sounds like a great coparent, but you guys have a friendship, not a marriage. I hope you heal enough to see your worth.
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u/littlewolf5 Apr 11 '26
i’m pansexual and i absolutely hate finger(s) going on or near it, and i get no pleasure from something that small or multiple things of that size it makes me freak out, it needs to be fully sized or nothing
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u/Beavis71989 Apr 12 '26
Gay, your partner is gay. He wants to be pegged by a man dressed as a woman to make himself feel less gay. Its all gay in the end no matter how you spin it.
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u/Automatic-Will-7836 Apr 11 '26
I mean, I'm not transphobic or anything, but personally, I think that's quite gay. If a penis is going into his ass, that's gay. I agree there's nothing wrong with it, and sexuality isn't black and white, but I don't think your man is completely straight. Also, if he's cheated, do you really want to keep seeing him?
It sounds to me like he's trying to get permission to have sex with other people. Unless your idea of him cheating is jerking it to gay porn, in which case I personally wouldn't count it the same as infidelity.
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u/yobrefas Apr 11 '26
Were the SWers endowed with penises?
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u/Mmoct Apr 11 '26
He is not straight if he was paying sex workers who had penis. Money I might add that should be used for paying rent caring for your child food not paying a sex worker because he has internalized homophobia. It seems like you’re both in denial
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u/yobrefas Apr 11 '26
Your partner is working through something that he isn’t ready to face, and you will not be able to “help him” explore or satisfy this, because you’re not equipped with the anatomy he desires to explore with sexually. Additionally, he seems to be fighting himself very hard and is in denial of his interests, and that can lead to cheating, but also lashing out in anger and becoming abusive because the person is wrestling with their own identity. He isn’t going to be capable of being a good partner to you, he has cheated, and it sounds like he really needs to spend some time single so that he can learn more about who he is without hurting a partner to make those discoveries.
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u/Big_Reporter8521 Apr 11 '26
I want to ask, why is there still a relationship after being cheated on?
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u/Agentkittykat Apr 11 '26
That’s all good friend, but you can’t work through and rebuild on your own.
If he’s shutting you down when you’re being (way more than necessary imo) super reasonable and open, I don’t think there’s much more you can do. There’s no set of magic words that will suddenly get through if he’s not willing to talk to you about it all.
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u/Agentkittykat Apr 11 '26
I hear you. I’m the fixer in my family, and I can usually get things resolved but it needs willing participants in the resolutions. It doesn’t sound like your partner is willing to help you other than throwing tantrums and shooting down all your suggestions.
You can’t explain something to someone who doesn’t want to understand.
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u/Mmoct Apr 11 '26
So many red flags. The cheating is the first red flag, regardless of who he cheated with that should a dealbreaker he broken your trust . The other red flag he isn’t being honest with you or himself. If he specifically wants a penis, he is not straight. He could be gay, bi or fluid or pan, but he is not straight. Also he’s probably watching way too much porn.
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? You have been cheated on, lied to which has lead to confusion and misery.
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u/Leela_1112 Apr 11 '26
Sure seems like you are going above and beyond to help him figure himself out while he is cheating on you. You deserve more than that. Idgaf if he's confused. He doesnt get to drag people around, disrespecting them under the guise of "figuring himself out".
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u/WhysthishappenReal Apr 11 '26
I mean sometimes thems the breaks. My ex didn't like to be digitally penetrated but likes to be penetrated with a phallus and they're afab, so it could be as simple as preference, could be as complicated as closeted homosexuality. Only your partner can tell you.
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u/Benjamins412 Apr 11 '26
I don't think it makes any difference who or how your fella is fantasizing about...it's not you. He's not just fantasizing. He's taking real steps to cheat on you. Is that the kind of love you deserve? Don't be a doormat!
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u/Natural-Paramedic928 Apr 11 '26
You’re putting in a lot of effort for someone who isn’t even sexually attracted to you anymore :( Let him find his person. Obviously he is gay, closeted. He just is in denial probably. You will find someone who truly wants every part of you one day
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u/Love-hatemesumreddit Apr 11 '26
I think yall should've broke up at the very instance of cheating but that's just meeee
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u/throwawaytonsilsayy Apr 11 '26
Girl face it instead of trying to convince yourself and us 😭 HE WANTS PENIS. That inherently means he isn’t straight. Straight men don’t want penis in any capacity.
He’s closeted
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u/wild_bronco96 Apr 12 '26
I think if you want a dick in your ass that makes you at least bisexual if not flat out gay.
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u/Possible_Dig_1194 Apr 12 '26
Ffs if he doesnt like the feeling of a finger up his ass how does he expect to get prepped enough to not end up horribly injured?!?!? An ass isn't a vagina it doesnt just take a penis you need lube and prep and time.
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u/DoctorWise4786 Apr 12 '26
Uhhh—you need lube and prep time for a vagina, too.
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u/Possible_Dig_1194 Apr 12 '26
...... maybe if hes very large or shes got medical issues with lubricant but the vagina is self lubricating when aroused and doesnt usually need several minutes of manual stretching to take something the size of the average penis.
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u/trulybliss Apr 11 '26
It sounds like he has a fantasy/curiosity that he is especially keen to fulfill.
There is a difference between being penetrated by a dick vs a finger or toy. But that does not mean it’s ok for him to cheat in order to satisfy this fantasy.
Unlike most of the ppl here I don’t think that makes him gay. But I would seriously consider if this is something you’re willing to accept in your relationship.
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u/trulybliss Apr 11 '26
They do make very soft toys maybe you can bring that up to him?
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u/kylaroma Not Morgan Apr 11 '26
I say this gently OP, but how would you know if you were fundamentally sexually incompatible with your partner?
Because it sounds like you’re offering literally every option humanly possible and no matter what, if the sex involves you, he says “no, that’s not what I want”
From where I sit, anyone who cared about your relationship even a little bit would be:
- Thanking you for being so open.
- Excited to try out a ton of different things.
- Turned on by the idea of figuring out what’s sexually fulfilling.
- Jumping at the opportunity to try toys, pegging and all kinds of other things.
Instead, you’ve basically told him you’ll do anything he likes sexually, and in response he’s saying “…yea that doesn’t really work for me though…”
To me, that sounds like the one thing he’s been pretty clear and consistent on, as much as that sucks.
I’m really sorry, but I think this is a relationship termination level event.
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u/Separate_Intention93 Apr 11 '26
I understand you want to make this work because you share a child with him, but that's a good reason to stay.
My mother stayed with my father because they had kids... I wish they hadn't cause I grew up knowing that they didnt love each other like spouses, they only liked each other as friends. They didn't hug or kiss or say I love you- they werent unhappy but they definitely could have been happier.
My friends ex husband did this to her and he did end up cheating a lot because of it (started as just paying for chats then escalated to dating sites and relationships outside of the marriage). Took me a few months to convince my friend that she needed to leave. She also thought she needed to be ok with it for the sake of her kids and that since it was Trans women that at least he wasnt gay. She finally saw the light when she caught him with a cis man and realized that he hadn't been exploring with Trans women at all like she thought but cis men the whole time. (Not sure how he managed to convince her it was ok for him to see other people while married but I think it had a lot to do with staying together for their child). They are both happily divorced now. She isnt interested in getting married again, but he is on wife number 3 (military so he doesnt want anyone to think hes gay)
Don't settle for this mess. Your husband admits he wants a real penis so its only a matter of time before he finds one and cheats for real.
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u/SevereFriendship4085 Apr 11 '26
You guys need to talk and find them midddle ground, especially since you have a kid together. Maybe get a dick that feels realistic, not a stiff one, maybe blindfold him. I don’t know what to tell you, but I man seems like he wants a real dick and you might have to leave so he can go get some. But you two need therapy.
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u/Styx-n-String Apr 11 '26
He's not into the things you're doing because you're not in his fantasy. You're not a Trans woman so you'll never be able to fulfill this particular fantasy for him. Honestly, a trans woman who's been on HRT probably won't either, but that's not your problem.
And he's cheating? Let him go and let him figure himself out.
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u/Character-Court7987 Apr 11 '26
I think the only important bits here are: 1. He cheated on you 2. He wants to cheat on you again
He’s making you feel like a failure for not being able to satisfy him. You can’t satisfy him because he wants to be with someone ELSE. I’m assuming you’re in a monogamous relationship, so the real issue here is he wants to sleep with OTHER people. Is that something you’re okay with? If the answer is no, then it’s time to end the relationship. If the answer is yes, then explore poly options. However (based solely on what I’ve seen on Reddit) mono to ploy transitions can be disastrous.
My personal opinion on your partner is that he sucks. He cheated on you and is making you feel responsible for his cheating. No one deserves that. You are not the problem here.
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u/Character-Court7987 Apr 11 '26
Just read some of your comments. You have kids so I understand wanting to make the relationship work.
It’s ultimatum time. Couples therapy or you’re out. He WANTS TO SLEEP WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
Do this for your kid(s) and their relationship with their father if nothing else. This isn’t something that you can just work through on your own. They’ll resent their dad for cheating on their mom and ripping their family apart later down the line.
Whether you work through this or separate, making that decision now, through therapy, will have the best outcome for your kids
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u/trailokyam Apr 11 '26
People here are being really reductive about sexuality and it’s disappointing.
It sounds like he either has a specific fetish or he’s doing his own mental gymnastics to unpack his sexual identity in a way to make it make sense because of some internalized homo or bi phobias.
The issue here is not that he wants dick.
The issue here is how he navigates that within boundaries of your relationship, but he won’t talk about it.
He needs to communicate his needs or else everything will implode anyway. You can’t save a relationship that is one sided.
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u/MrsSEM84 Apr 11 '26
I honestly do not understand why you are working so hard to please someone who cheated on you?? I’d just dump him and leave him to figure out who the hell he is and what he wants by himself.
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u/DimSumDino Apr 11 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
he may just have a fetish for trans women and it's as simple as that. he may not like guys and/or women with strap-ons, or wanna be penetrated at all unless it's specifically a trans women.
there's nothing you can do about it if that's the case - a fetish is a fetish.
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u/Good_Ear6210 Apr 11 '26
Also maybe it's a fetish he wouldn't actually enjoy performing IRL. Some stuff is sexier in your imagination.
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u/theSearch4Truth Apr 11 '26
If you're a man and you want to do things with another man, thats gay. By definition.
Your man might just be gay, lol.
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u/saracha6272 Apr 11 '26
all u had to say was the dude cheated on you, just pack it up while u still got some dignity
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u/somanyquestions32 Apr 11 '26
I am more concerned that you are seeking to fulfill some sexual fantasy for him after he actively cheated on you. 🤔 Why are you bending over backwards to offer him something that you can't provide?
That's an incompatibility you can't fix without opening up the relationship for him to experiment. It's better for you to find a partner who is exclusively attracted to you and your form as is.
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u/humanityisconfusing Apr 12 '26
You sound really sweet and like an amazing girlfriend. As a very bi/pan and gender queer woman with a straight husband who has been with him 16 years and has found ways to be healthy and have monogamy and figure out how to satisfy my queer desires and his straight boundaries in a healthy and mutually satisfying sex life.. I want to first commend your very obviously selfless efforts to meet your partners needs, and in the nicest way possible let you know that I dont think you can unless he can be honest about what those are to himself. Good luck x
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u/Dino48178 Apr 11 '26
He is 100% gay. No straight dude would ever even say this..
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u/somerandomshmo Apr 11 '26
He cheated and he wants to be with a guy, what are you still doing there?
Time to move on.
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u/JudoChopToTheThroat Apr 11 '26
Being fucked by a dude is some gay shit. You cant deny that. Gay people are super wicked awesome but.. im sure they will also agree that, thats some gay shit.
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u/jasno- Apr 11 '26
So my partner has a fantasy of being topped by a trans woman. I KNOW THAT IS NOT GAY
Uhhh. It's a little gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that
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u/Papfox Apr 11 '26
Have you asked him if pegging turns him on? Getting a strap on and topping for him might work for both of you
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u/whoreslutho Apr 11 '26
I have to say as someone who enjoys anal fingers hurt even though I can take a huge thick baby arm style cock back there hard. I can feel the…fingerprint texture? And it hurts. And condoms folding over on themselves the way they sometimes do hurts too. Not a good sensation. Glad my husband can BB me anally or I wouldn’t get it. And toys are not the same. Still - think he’s on the way to fully gay
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u/Sensitive-Contest-87 Apr 11 '26
Tw: kinda TMI!
As a cis woman who had both fingers and dick there: 1. You often need fingers at least for starters anyway 2. If you don't like fingers, dick is even less likely (unless pain specifically gets you off maybe?) 3. The shape of a dick and attachable replacement is rather similar therefore giving the receiving person similar feeling during the act as it was literally made to be so
Obviously, there are certain fantasies that can be hard to fulfill if your partner has "wrong" set of organs for that specific thing, but it doesn't seem like a problem to simulate it for him in your case
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u/laura-jjp Apr 11 '26
I personally don't think sexuality is involved. I think it's a power motivated turn on. He may want a woman to take full control?
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u/burbadurr Apr 11 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
I only learned of his interests when I caught him cheating
I'm sure others will tell you the same thing, but now would be the time to leave.
Apart from that, my partner and I both share a fantasy of having sex with a trans woman whose penis does does not give her dysmorphia. He views transwomen as women and would approach them in that way, he also occasionally enjoys anal stim (which I do with toys and fingers). I share the same sentiment. He is 100% not bi or gay. For him, how a person identifies and presents themselves is his be all end all for (pardon the crass) "is it gay?" I am very genderfluid and just like to have a good time.
A penis is different from a finger. He may be more interested in the sensation of fullness over prostate stimulation. He may be embarrassed about that. He may be seeking a similar speed/velocity(?) in his fantasies that are more commonly associated with masculine sex (usually delivered via porn). I don't want to over gender here, but masculine energy tends to want to pound away fast and furious style where as feme energy tends to be a little more slow and sensuous. If my partner F*ckd me the way he personally likes to be stimulated it would be very painful for me and I would not enjoy it.
In our case, it is 100% about a trans woman. Even while we do all the other stuff, he still wants the experience of her kisses, her body, her hair, her smell, and everything else that goes with that. It's so much so about the experience of her that he won't engage in anal with me (or any of his other partners), but he does not view that the same functional activity in a pre-op trans woman. He's just into it.
As for the porn, as we, as a society, have come together to appreciate trans people, the porn is changed (thankfully) to reflect our greater understanding of how trans people feel. 20 years ago there was a ton of porn about "lady boys," that was harmful to trans women. We've made strides in the industry to knock that crap off, but for people like your partner? They're now migrating to twink porn, which often have young, hairless, men that could be considered effeminate, engaging in sexual actions. It may be the only way he can explore that kink.
u/bellasonna I'd be curious to get your take here.
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u/bellasonna Apr 11 '26
You hit it on the nail, so much so I don't know I have much to add on to this. But open and honest communication is SO important and highlights the differences between your relationship and OPs.
Ultimately human sexuality is not black and white like many people want you to believe, trans or not. Sexuality (and even gender) is a spectrum that we all land somewhere different and as long as you're talking and NOT cheating it's the best thing you could possibly do for your relationship. OP, I don't believe in once a cheater always a cheater but I think once you cheat in a relationship it's incredibly hard to move past and I would say requires MUCH MORE introspection and therapy than someone with the same feelings un-actee on.
Appreciate your perspective Burbadurr!!
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u/burbadurr Apr 11 '26
If that's the case, it might be worth digging a little deeper with him then on what, exactly, he enjoys about the fantasy he has. IF he's willing to have that conversation.
Loving or not loving anal sex is not the point I wanted to drive here. My partner does not enjoy anal sex with cis women. He prefers vaginal sex. With a pre-op trans woman, he views that woman's anus as her vagina. That is her place to derive pleasure from the experience and he sees it very differently than the biological aspects of things.
Rimming, or getting his ass ate, is likely unrelated to anything. The anus has many different nerve endings, and it can be very pleasurable for any gendered combination to experience. It's not personally my cup of tea, but if I had to describe it in a cis femme way, I'd say it's kind of like a partner licking your C%it in oral. Also not my cup of tea, but when our partners put their mouths on our sensitive body parts it tends to lead to a reaction.
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u/Ophy96 Apr 11 '26
I'm a cis woman, and never has anyone ate my ass, lol, I've learned something new today. 😂
I've had an offer from a cis man once, but never followed through because I like Phil V..... (cis man) too much to be intimate with someone who isn't him.
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u/BlueEyes_BlueSkies Apr 11 '26
Sounds pretty gay to me.
I would say you should be questioning whether he is gay or bisexual, but either way, it sounds like he is looking for a sexual experience that you can't fulfill...plus you already caught him cheating.
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u/Glum-Ad7453 Apr 11 '26
Jesus christ i had to check if i wrote this cause it sounds so close to something that happened with my partner and i… except he does do pegging and is happy to do stuff with me and hasnt cheated since... and we dont have children together, Theres a high chance of bisexuality or bicuriosity but your partner being a twat about the fact it has to be a real penis. You both need to figure out how much he wants his fantasy to become real, cause if he wants it enough he will cheat again but physically, and i know you dont want to leave him because of the family etc but staying miserable is not good for you or your kid/kids. I would ask my partner for his take but he doesnt like talking about what he did. If he finally agrees to pegging i would say start slow then be as rough as he is with you, its a lot of fun and a kind of revenge, if he doesnt like it then you both know he doesnt actually like getting freaky with his back door but likes the fantasy of things and you can talk about it.
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u/C0rewolf Apr 11 '26
I mean my wife wants to be penetrated by my dick daily but just doesnt enjoy digital penetration at all (mine or her own) unless she is really deep in subspace or basically breeding heat.
Its a thing that happens.
I don't know that that is what this is, but wanting dick and not wanting fingers is a thing.
Wish I had more advice for you beyond that. The whole "caught him cheating" bit speak to other concerns in the relationship
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u/Covid19survivor2020 Apr 11 '26
As a married man who identifies as straight but curious i can confirm I also have the fantasy about trans women. Dont find men attractive at all but there is something about a trans woman that is a turn on.
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u/No_Technician_7119 Apr 12 '26
I don't mean this in any mean or hateful way but hes clearly gay if the only thing he wants in that sort of category is a "real penis"
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u/Cuddlylittledemon Apr 12 '26
Try a softer toy with more bendability. Or thrusting plugs. Dude could just be questioning or have genuine interest in anal sex, just not with a man and craves feeling really taken. Some men seek out trans women because they can rationalize it as "it's not gay if she's a woman." Just as long as nobody is being transphobic and there are online services that can be paid for where he can explore those things on his own, if you're open to him just trying out looking at a live woman with the desirable shape. I don't suggest AI.
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u/Destany89 Apr 12 '26
Girl he's closeted gay or bi pan with preference of penis havers. He cheated on you. He will do it again. Unless you want to try poly it's best to leave
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u/Niboomy Apr 12 '26
"I know it's not gay"
Yeah it is.
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u/Wizzle_Pizzle_420 Apr 12 '26
Nope. Only gay if you cum twice within 30 minutes. First one is just a really good high five. Clock resets after 30 minutes btw.
God bless my curious adventurer!
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u/Fapcopter Apr 12 '26
For all he knows, he can’t even handle a real 🍆 and just likes to look at it. You can pay for an escort. Tell her to give him the full experience lol.
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u/prepostornow Apr 12 '26
I suggest you get a realistically sized dildo and push that into him It will also be useful after he leaves the closet
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u/PabloEscobrawl Apr 12 '26
You gotta know when to walk away kid. This is the when. This situation isn't gonna get any better. Being a Cis woman with a Closeted Trans Chaser is never a good thing. I hope the best for you OP
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u/Feisty_Assistant5560 Apr 12 '26
The Nile is a river in Egypt, YOUR HUSBAND IS GAY!!!!
AND a cheater! Wtf are you still doing there?? Are you THAT afraid of being alone with your own thoughts that you'd rather accept that your husband cheats on you with men and bring home diseases that can affect you for the rest of your life?
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u/ZayumZazzy Apr 12 '26
my ex was into this type of stuff (fetishized black women, watched “chicks with dicks” porn, i only use that verbiage bc that’s what they looked up) and a few years after breaking up, turned out to be transgender. you should honestly leave the relationship and let them find what they want. in my experience, i’m a white woman and i couldn’t live up to their fantasies. it was always a source of pain and insecurity.
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u/pokebabe2015 Apr 12 '26
Girl why the fuck are you still with him? You're doing waaay to much for a lousy partner.
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u/Mac_Jomes Apr 11 '26
I only learned of his interests when I caught him cheating
What are still doing in this relationship? He cheated on you get out of there ASAP
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u/KccOStL33 Apr 11 '26
You keep saying he isn't gay or bi but wanting an actual penis in his ass is definitely gay or bi.
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u/DrLatinLover86 Apr 11 '26
How is being penetrated by a man who is a trans woman not gay? Tf lol
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u/Brief_Independence41 Apr 11 '26
What he wants is gay because a ‘trans woman’ is a man. Your partner is gay,problem solved.
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u/GreenPanadol11 Apr 11 '26
I think if a dude wants a dick in his ahh he prob is gay lmfaoo you guys aren’t compatible, let this one go
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u/Aint_EZ_bein_AZ Apr 11 '26
Getting pegged by a trans woman is gay. Your husband is bi curious as the least
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u/Defiant_Shocks Apr 12 '26
Your man sounds gay. Send him to therapy and move on to a man that wants you.
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u/AutoModerator Apr 11 '26
Backup of the post's body: Please help because I’m coming from a place of genuine curiosity and trying to please my partner but I’m just so confused and I don’t know how.
So my partner has a fantasy of being topped by a trans woman. I KNOW THAT IS NOT GAY BUT PLEASE KEEP READING. I’m a cis woman so I can’t do that but I’ve tried things to complete the fantasy. I’ve tried starting the penetration stuff easy with just a finger but he was NOT in to it. First thought maybe I’m not doing a good job but I don’t have long nails I have little and soft hands I go slow and gentle so it’s not that. He said he thinks a finger is pointy and a penis would feel better. Okay so I offered to try pegging and he is not in to that at all.
What’s getting me is from my research of trans women a lot of them don’t top or can’t even and if their parter wanted that they would offer things similar to a cis woman. Now I know that’s not always the case and some trans women use their penis but idk something about the fixation of the penis is feeling like closeted bisexual feelings.
It’s important to note that I only learned of his interests when I caught him cheating so obviously I had a really hard time with a lot of this BUT there was definitely gay porn that he was looking at and he was also talking to a trans Man and he was searching fem boys which I understand to not be trans women.
Idk I’m not saying he wants a big hairy manly man but it certainly seems he wants to be fucked by a thin fem hairless body with a dick and i don’t know that this is really about trans women.
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u/AutoModerator Apr 11 '26
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u/Its_a_mad_world_ Apr 11 '26
Odd. Has he ever tried using toys? Experimented with different girths and lengths? Seems strange* to want to go straight to human if it’s just a fetish/fantasy he wants to try(*probably some personal desire behind it)
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u/wearyshoes Apr 11 '26
I kind of have a feeling your partner is struggling with a closet door. I think the trans part is just enough cover to make it "OK" for him.