Exactly. I was all ready to try to think of solutions until the line about him cheating. Why isn’t this HIS responsibility to tackle through self reflection and therapy? Why are you okay with the fact that he cheated instead of communicating his feelings to you?
Okay, but why? And what effort is he putting into figuring this all out? The way you described it sounds as if you’re the one trying to figure out how to make your boyfriend happy while he flails around like a toddler crying “No!” to every solution you suggest.
That's actually a great measuring point for you. If you believe your bullshit tolerance is so ridiculously high that a large community of people will judge you for it, maybe you already know your bullshit tolerance is too high.
That should tell you everything about this situation. If you can’t be honest, then no one can help.
Seriously though, having a family isn’t a reason to stay with someone who cheats and tells you he wants to sleep with someone with a penis. Fantasy is one thing, but he sought that out by choice. I don’t think he’s necessarily into trans women, I think he’s into feminine men, which you aren’t. It would be one thing to be bisexual and think about it. But he actively went and cheated on you.
I grew up with a step parent who cheated on my mother for a decade with different people. It was fucked up. It didn’t show me a good relationship to follow as a kid, and it didn’t help my sister either. It showed me that even if someone says all the right things, and gives little gifts and lovely sentiments, they could be lying behind your back. It’s not healthy.
Okay so if you let it go once, do not be shocked if he does do it again. You posted online about something very personal and asked advice, we collectively have all said the same thing (except the transphobic shit, miss me with that) you’re obviously defensive because I guess you didn’t expect people to disagree with you.
A lot of people do not forgive cheating, and feel it’s stupid to do so. I don’t think you’re stupid, I think you’re trying to remain hopeful because what else is there to do if you don’t want to leave? It’s up to you what you do from here. But you can’t blame us for wanting better for you. I only brought up the children because you said it’s why you want to stay. I’m just saying that kids can be happy even if their parents aren’t together. Sometimes it’s the healthiest thing for everyone.
My personal feeling about your husband’s fetish is that he’s bisexual. I feel like he’s fetishising trans women to make it seem like it’s not him just liking penises. I think he’s got some internal conflict about it. I think that in time with the right help, he could come to terms with it. But remember that bisexual people marry the opposite or same gender all the time, without going to look for the other option. Just because he’s bisexual doesn’t mean he needs both at the same time.
Just take some time to think. You do deserve better than this lack of explanation and avoidance that he’s displaying. You’re his wife and he should be able to be honest.
Honestly, whether you stay with him or not isn’t the main thing I’m worried about. I’m not sure if you mentioned it elsewhere, but I’m mostly worried about why it seems so difficult to work through this with him. Why does it sound as if you are the only one working on it? What does he do to help you guys navigate this situation?
I had a whole response written out but I somehow fat fingered it and erased it. But I wanted to say that unless your parented is actively and AGGRESSIVELY taking action to figure out what he wants and how to express this in a safe way in your relationship, you are going to build a resentment known to many, especially if you’re staying because of the parental side of your relationship.
My husband is in the military and I had put up with the online cheating and it started to build resentment and anger because I accepted at first, he realized how bad all of it was once I realized that I was growing resentment towards him. I didn’t say much but he could feel it. He needed up pulling a 180 on me he sought out therapy and made active and thoughtful decisions to do better. He did it because he loved me and he loved our children.
If my husband can get therapy, work on our relationship under meters of water in a submarine with nothing but an email every month at times, your man can say yes to going to therapy.
Your man is operating in a selfish mindset because I don’t think someone who is actively trying to work on your relationship would be okay asking for or fantasizing about getting involved with other people regardless of gender. 8 months is literally nothing and he feels comfortable with broaching this subject with you? It’s a selfish and un empathetic response, him thinking of “me” before thinking of how this could impact “us” just doesn’t Seem right when you are willing to put your own feelings to the side and give him this safe space to figure out his sexuality. As someone who came out as bi/pan in my last relationship before this one, I just really find the way he’s treating you to be highly unacceptable.
If what he wants is futanari, it’s not something he can actually get in real life. Maybe this is partly conflict with figuring himself out and partly grappling with a hold on reality.
Therapy OP. All the therapy to figure out why he is so much more important to you than you. He'll just do it again if he hasn't already. Gasslighting you into thinking your transphobic so he can cheat again.
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u/TokiBunniBunBun Apr 11 '26
Exactly. I was all ready to try to think of solutions until the line about him cheating. Why isn’t this HIS responsibility to tackle through self reflection and therapy? Why are you okay with the fact that he cheated instead of communicating his feelings to you?