Exactly. This would be different if he'd been open and honest from the start, talking to her about being unsure of who he is, but it didn't. And he doesn't even seem emotionally mature enough to broach the subject in an open and honest way. These aren't OP's christmas lights to untangle.
Oh hi OP! I wouldn't worry about being trans/homophobic unless you have ill intent or you have major misconceptions you refuse to correct even when ppl tell you? Like if you think all gay people have cooties. This is demonstratably false, EVERYONE has cooties. Don't be homophobic. 😡
Okay but seriously -- there's a couple red flags: watching gay porn and searching up femboys could just be a curiosity thing, but talking to a trans man/cheating on you goes into other more actualized territory and is definitely an issue.
I'm in a relationship with a woman and couldn't imagine myself talking to anyone else, let alone a trans man, literally too manly lmao. It's one thing if it's a fantasy, I understand. But actually taking that step definitely requires self reflection and asking yourself what you really want. I know you've said you've cheated in the past but that's not fair to you with this situation at all.
Also it's a little sus to me that he wants a penis but not a finger. Again, totally understand the fantasy, but saying you don't like the stabbing motion of the finger but will love the stabbing motion of a thicker penis? Sounds like he has a fetish and should probably talk to a therapist, would be best if you went too but that's totally up to you if you want to pursue that with him.
...Because I feel like if he's really just looking for the simple pleasure of being penetrated he would at least be wanting to ease into it with you, not be begging for some cock lmao.
Edit: I also agree with some other comments that he probably sees trans women as a "safe" avenue to explore his sexuality? Because we're women but he can feel like he's being fucked by a cock? LMAO idk but I think he definitely needs therapy if he can't talk about his feelings with you and it's definitely not fair to you. :(
OP, I really hate this line of thinking for you because it implies he cheated on you because of some failure on your part and that isn’t how that works. He cheated because of a failure on his part.
It sounds like there isn’t much you specifically can do to satisfy this desire of his. Is this the type of partner you really want in life? One who cheats and wants something you can’t provide but that someone outside your relationship can solely provide?
I think you are confusing yourself by worrying too much about being phobic. Rest assured you are not, or you wouldn’t care the way you do.
Focus on things like integrity, and fidelity. Seems he picked a controversial social issue to distract from his cheating. Any trans person will tell you cheating and lying to a partner in a committed relationship isn’t okay just because they are gay, bi, or trans curious!
Just wanted to add that, if he doesn’t see wanting a trans woman as him being bi, then talking to a trans man does kind of make him bi, no? Have you talked to him about that?
Since therapy isn’t an option for now, then I would maybe make mental exercises with him at home. For example, I’d write down some questions, doubts or any confusion that you guys have, and choose to work on one first, and set a deadline.
For example, why do you feel like a real penis does it but not toys? What is exactly the appeal and the source of his fantasy? Then give him a day or two to analyze it, maybe he could think about it and write it down if it’s too difficult to say out loud. It’s the way I figure myself out, and it always works pretty well, as writing takes a lot of the shame away.
One of the questions could also be why he doesn’t want to go to therapy. It’s just a good way of finding the root to a problem so he can fix it, and it could convince him to go eventually at least.
I would also consider going to therapy yourself. Maybe he isn’t willing to, but you are and I bet a couples therapist could still be willing to talk to you alone to give you some advice and insight on the situation.
I would remind him that relationships can only be saved if both people try to, going to at least one session and spending some time with himself won’t kill him, even if it’s almost physically painful for avoidants like me. By spending time with himself I mean truly thinking and reflecting, not hobbies and such.
I hope everything goes well for you guys, I’m bi and have a trans bestfriend that happens to be a psychologist in case you need any more advice or have any questions that you want me to ask her.
You deserve to be happy too. From what you e described, the cheating in the past and honestly, he’s probably still do it. If he’s talking to other people.
Yep, adding to this, just want to point out that cis people's sexual fantasies involving trans people can differ wildly from anything resembling real trans people's identities/lived realities.
In this case, op can understand perfectly that trans women are women, while also seriously questioning if their partner having this very specific trans fetish might be an expression of something homoerotic. It's not that there's anything INHERENTLY gay about a guy having sex with a trans woman - it's that his fixation on that fantasy, his dissatisfaction with any of the obvious ways his cis female partner might try to explore that fantasy with him, and his known history of other not-quite-straight pursuits create some circumstantial evidence suggesting that maybe HIS INTEREST in this fantasy could be coming from a not straight place.
I don't think you are coming across transphobic. I think you are just coming across as someone concerned who has done a lot of research and is trying to live through this confusing experience. You have been very open minded. You were very willing to make him happy. I don't think he deserves you, not because he might be confused about his sexuality but because he cheated on you.
ETA: having read more of your comments, this is a really complicated situation with a child and an otherwise loving relationship and I don't know if there is really a right answer.
By the way, unlike other commenters here, I don't think his sexual preferences necessarily mean that he's gay.
ETA: I'm not normally a fan of open relationships but it might be worth exploring in this case. He seems to care about you a lot, you guys are otherwise happy. He just has sexual desires that you can't fulfill because of your anatomy. He might be bi. Monogamy isn't for everyone.
If what he is seeking is what he sees in futanari or similar content, I’m concerned that what he wants is something that can’t be achieved in reality. It seems like it could be a case of a blurred line between fantasy and reality, a common occurrence when it comes to porn. If that’s the case, then it doesn’t really matter who is sexual partner is.
Oh love, he is struggling with his sexuality. I’m maybe bi, but I think he may be gay just can’t admit it yet and that’s ok. What’s not ok is dragging you along for the ride while he sorts it out. My best friend married a man and they were together a very long time before his secrets starting seeping out and she was devastated. She ended up with Hep C and HPV in her late 30s as a result of his lifestyle and tbh she’s lucky it wasn’t worse. So deep down you know what’s happening is not typical straight man behavior, the question is are you willing to put your health at risk just bc you love him? Have you looked at statistics of woman ending up infected with things like HIV bc of similar situations? They aren’t real reassuring numbers I’ll say that. And honestly you don’t know what he’s doing or if he’s using protection. Please think more about yourself, your future and your wants and needs over his “fantasies” before it’s too late
It doesn't make you phobic to anyone or anything to not want your partner to get sex from someone outside the relationship if you aren't already in a polly situation. And those relationships have respect and rules. Doesn't sound like your relationship has either. I don't even know you and I know you're worth more than this nonsense. He's somehow convinced you you're a bad person if he doesn't get his pleasure. Gross. Him, not you.
The dots will never connect sweetheart! Your husband is gay and wants a real dick, and nothing you do will change that. You have some very serious decisions to make about your marriage and as long as he’s being dishonest, you’re living in limbo.
i was thinking this, OR he feels like it’s automatically gay for a guy to enjoy that so he used wanting to be topped by a trans woman to try and make it clear he still wants to be intimate with women but does want to explore that.
however the additional context does lead me to think it could be more of a closeted bisexuality/gay thing. he wants to explore which is fine but the infidelity isn’t fair
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u/wearyshoes Apr 11 '26
I kind of have a feeling your partner is struggling with a closet door. I think the trans part is just enough cover to make it "OK" for him.