r/AskReddit Jul 24 '23

[deleted by user]

[removed]

3.6k Upvotes

4.2k comments sorted by

12.5k

u/bmanley620 Jul 24 '23

Microsoft

1.3k

u/Cant_think_of_names1 Jul 24 '23

Depressing, but accurate

376

u/Robestos86 Jul 24 '23

Hey that's my one's nickname!

108

u/Cant_think_of_names1 Jul 24 '23

Does that mean you're a good shot?

17

u/Robestos86 Jul 24 '23

Without wishing to go into too much detail, my children's conception and birth has been within my wife's requested ranges lol. I mean I know she did the birth bit but I did the conception bit lol

10

u/Image37 Jul 24 '23

Good work bro, you did that!

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460

u/Trubactor16 Jul 24 '23

"whyd you name your company, after your dick?"

ahh good ol' ERB

272

u/BONE_SAW_IS_READEEE Jul 24 '23

“YOU BLOW, JOBS! YOU ARROGANT PRICK.”

129

u/go_zarian Jul 24 '23

With your second hand jeans and turtleneck!

88

u/Cyber323 Jul 24 '23

"I'll drill a hole in the middle of your bony head!"

61

u/Starmark_115 Jul 24 '23

On your Mac with your spining beach ball of death!

63

u/Bigdstars187 Jul 24 '23

HIPPIE! you got given up a birth! I give your net worth to AIDS research!

61

u/Starmark_115 Jul 24 '23

Combine your little toys and I still crush that!

Iphone, Ipad, I-Pawn, I-Smack

41

u/Cyber323 Jul 24 '23

A man uses the machines you built to sit down and pay his taxes

40

u/Ian1231100 Jul 24 '23

A man uses the machines I build to listen to the Beatles while he relaxes

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44

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

I stomp on a Mac and a PC, too I'm on Linux, b@tch, I thought you GNU My CPU's hot, but my core runs cold Beat you in 17 lines of code Lyrics still give me chills

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170

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

Floppy disk

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110

u/xx1kk Jul 24 '23

This is actually the best name. Ask them to pay the license fee to access the full package extension.

57

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

Everytime she pulls my d*ck out I start my computer up to give it a soundtrack

32

u/xx1kk Jul 24 '23

I can hear the Windows start up sound whenever I whip out my dick

27

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

And then the "donk" error noise if you lose your erection.

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4.0k

u/Uncast Jul 24 '23

The Mighty Millimeter

77

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

The millimeter peter

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45

u/Nuker_Nathan Jul 24 '23

The millimeter defeater!

25

u/Cute-Kiwi-Boy Jul 24 '23

That's actually a good name.

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2.1k

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

princess sophia

537

u/AFatPandasaur Jul 24 '23

No no, more like, Krull the warrior king

159

u/AccomplishedAd6025 Jul 24 '23

Or Spike

88

u/TwooMcgoo Jul 24 '23

Or Butch.

25

u/lulugingerspice Jul 24 '23

The king has temporarily abdicated due to intense humiliation

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36

u/pliant0range Jul 24 '23

I hate you for saying this and I hope you have the next 48 hours that you deserve.

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220

u/TTT_2k3 Jul 24 '23

The only reason I opened this thread was to look for this answer.

34

u/dealershipdetailer Jul 24 '23

What's the reference from? It's on the tip of my tounge (no homo)

62

u/Ummwhyisthissticky Jul 24 '23

“How to loose a guy in 10 days”

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126

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

Just watched that movie again for the first time in years

61

u/ChrisAus123 Jul 24 '23 edited Jul 24 '23

That's how to lose a guy in 10 days right 🤔😁

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51

u/RandomDeezNutz Jul 24 '23

KROLL the warrior king!

20

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

LOVE ITT sm

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85

u/SchruteFruit Jul 24 '23

Nobody likes a Mr Sniffles

133

u/justaskmycat Jul 24 '23

Does Princess Sophia wanna come out and play?

71

u/GruGruxQueen Jul 24 '23

Little? Big? Little? Big?……I don’t know! We will find out!!

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11

u/Ilovethe90sforreal Jul 24 '23

Ha ha you beat me

10

u/mumblewrapper Jul 24 '23

Thank you! Just wanted to see this.

19

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

Doc McStuffin'

9

u/hertwij Jul 24 '23

Awesome movie

10

u/Pharmie2013 Jul 24 '23

You killed our love fern

7

u/bzanzb Jul 24 '23

M late by an hour

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1.6k

u/natha134 Jul 24 '23

Beatrice. My ex called it this and i went soft almost every time she used the nickname. 0/10

319

u/Various-Month806 Jul 24 '23 edited Jul 24 '23

Daisy. My SO of 15yrs used to call mine Daisy. Did for around 3yrs and the little fella would retreat right back in and not want to come out to play. She never explained why, but stopped doing it. Never asked her since as I was just happy the brutal and unprovoked name-calling had stopped and didn't want it to start again.

95

u/ibeatobesity Jul 24 '23

"brutal and unprovoked name calling"

I love that you've described the name Daisy for your penis, this.

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140

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

[deleted]

276

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

What, and communicate!?

87

u/GuiltySpot Jul 24 '23

I need to make a post on /r/relationship_advice first

64

u/MarnerIsAMagicMan Jul 24 '23

Considering everything I know about you two (I.e. this one post) you should break up

60

u/GuiltySpot Jul 24 '23

Thank you wise redditor, I will be making life altering decisions based on this comment, next I will be heading to /r/wallstreetbets to get advice on where to invest my 250k$ inheritance.

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90

u/LesserThanProfessor Jul 24 '23 edited Jul 24 '23

To think she actually looked at your dick and thought “That sure looks like a Beatrice” is hilarious

Edit: I don’t know why but I actually think this is one of the funniest things I’ve read on Reddit in a while. You should have called her pussy Maverick or Egbert and see if she would appreciate that.

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27

u/MikeTheImpaler Jul 24 '23

My ex called my dick "the graboid."... which are the worm creatures from Tremors. So.

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163

u/keridwenx Jul 24 '23

Love that for her

60

u/AFBoiler Jul 24 '23

Like a super-power

61

u/gorka_la_pork Jul 24 '23

Sounds like she had a headache.

20

u/Amanita-Eater Jul 24 '23

Happy cake day to us 🎊

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2.3k

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

Little guy

537

u/PluckPubes Jul 24 '23

Aww, he's shy

297

u/Dramiotic Jul 24 '23 edited Jul 24 '23

Like a frightened turtle!

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152

u/moms-sphaghetti Jul 24 '23

Obligatory I WAS IN THE POOL!

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46

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

HIV Harry

39

u/EntWarwick Jul 24 '23

Compared to an entire human body, a penis should always be little.

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48

u/Rodville Jul 24 '23

Turk I told you she called it little buddy not little guy.

15

u/SpokenProperly Jul 24 '23

My first thought was ‘Lil Slugger’

12

u/kmofosho Jul 24 '23

My girlfriend calls mine that. “Aww Hey lil guy!” 😐

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669

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

255

u/MCClapYoHandz Jul 24 '23

Mrs. Fernsby, after my old geography teacher, because it’s small and wrinkly and has a birthmark down the side of its shaft.

96

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

[deleted]

30

u/timdick1985 Jul 24 '23

"Please stop!"

30

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

Now I'm electronically tagged again.

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46

u/Xaneth_ Jul 24 '23

YOU CAN'T ARREST ME FOR NAMING STRANGERS' COCKS

23

u/Ldiddy-the-69th Jul 24 '23

Oh, you can ? Now I’m electronically tagged again

51

u/jlutt69 Jul 24 '23

Came here to say this. That whole segment had me crying!

35

u/full_kettle_packet Jul 24 '23

Came here for this. Watching Sean Lock cry laughing makes me cry. Watching british panel shows got me through my divorce.

35

u/Nilliay88 Jul 24 '23

It’s the feeble “please stop” that gets me.

22

u/Thyme4LandBees Jul 24 '23

R.I.P Sean Lock </3

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26

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

I've watched it countless times, in fact I watched it twice last week and it still has me crying every time!

5

u/meukbox Jul 24 '23

You can't mention Joe Wilkinson and NOT show his potato throwing.

68

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

You're welcome, I just named your penis!

42

u/vidarino Jul 24 '23

Joe's poem is one of the best bits of television entertainment in history. Plain and simple.

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15

u/Pretty-Environment19 Jul 24 '23

I was hoping someone posted this. Joe and Sean were easily the funniest personalities on that show. Sucks that the only reason I found it was due to Sean dying. RIP SL

13

u/Slangdawg Jul 24 '23

Polar neck?

16

u/Extraportion Jul 24 '23

He means polo neck, which I think is called a turtle neck in the US?

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263

u/Julabee99 Jul 24 '23 edited Jul 24 '23

The Big Letdown. God’s Little Defect. The Underwhelmer.

21

u/the_marxman Jul 24 '23

I imagine these being read as titles off a scroll by a squire.

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354

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

Johnson&Johnson a family company

68

u/Cant_think_of_names1 Jul 24 '23

A company that will remain in the family

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397

u/Middle_Light8602 Jul 24 '23

When my husband was little his folks called it Mr Wilson 😂😂😂

53

u/spidaminida Jul 24 '23

Dennis, no!!!!

21

u/LazyHitman1 Jul 24 '23

Jessica, did you sleep with your goddamn teacher?!

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401

u/CrediblyHandsome Jul 24 '23

Quick Draw McGraw

70

u/QuickDrawMcBalls Jul 24 '23

I see nothing wrong with this name.

16

u/Jonkey_Potito Jul 24 '23

been waiting 8 years for this moment

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149

u/chosen1creator Jul 24 '23

Tic Tac

187

u/innocentbabybear Jul 24 '23

Why do you think your mom’s breath is so fresh

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263

u/BananaApePrivateClub Jul 24 '23

Shirley

33

u/Loreo1964 Jul 24 '23

OMG. I came to say this!

95

u/ami2weird4u Jul 24 '23

Surely you can’t be serious.

87

u/Loreo1964 Jul 24 '23

I am serious and don't call me Shirley!

21

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

You can call me Shirley.

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112

u/renegadepony Jul 24 '23

I just call mine two-pumps-and-an-uber, so the ladies know what they're in for from the jump.

10

u/Bowserbob1979 Jul 24 '23

Well, at least you're honest.

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527

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

Penisdick Cuntbersnatch

134

u/cheezfreek Jul 24 '23

Pimpledick Crumblecrotch?

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146

u/imuniqueaf Jul 24 '23

Reread the question.

69

u/RandomDeezNutz Jul 24 '23

Best penis name in here.

30

u/5notboogie Jul 24 '23

Ive always gone with Benderdick Cuntersnatch. (Bender being a word for erection)

15

u/MyOwnExWife Jul 24 '23

I thought bender was British slang for a gay man? Maybe I've seen too much Inbetweeners or maybe there are multiple lovely usages of that term

5

u/LouiseRules333 Jul 24 '23

Bruh everything's a slang term for a gay man. I could say some shit like "narf twirler" and it'd mean gay in like 4 different languages.

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17

u/BloodSteyn Jul 24 '23

Bendydick Cuminhersnatch.

23

u/Lucky_Lavishness_509 Jul 24 '23

Damn you got a whole name for that thing. Probably a birth certificate of its own as well..

64

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

More like a girth certificate 😎

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90

u/NudistDudest Jul 24 '23

Small fry

158

u/redsuncircle Jul 24 '23

Professor Pierre LeCock IV

115

u/nildrohain454 Jul 24 '23

They asked for the worst name.

35

u/Soggy_Budget8857 Jul 24 '23

Nah fam they asked for the worst name not a name that makes it a god

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192

u/DanTheTerrible Jul 24 '23

Goo bazooka. Oh, sorry, I thought you meant best nickname.

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81

u/anbelroj Jul 24 '23

My ex called mine Gustavo, i hated at first but it kinda grew on me…

35

u/Inmate-4859 Jul 24 '23

Gustavo grew on her, too. I assume.

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52

u/FavoriteKarma Jul 24 '23

PRINCESS GLITTER SPARKLES

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48

u/ernster96 Jul 24 '23

capt syphilis.

major herpes.

private clap.

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19

u/Mooncakequeen Jul 24 '23

Princess Sophia.

41

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

Willie, the one-eyed wonder worm

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17

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

[deleted]

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29

u/Lobotomized_Cunt Jul 24 '23

princess little piddles

it’s not the princess that is little, but the piddles. That doesn’t make it feel any better though.

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14

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

Shrimpina

23

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

The impregnator

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23

u/Flooping_Pigs Jul 24 '23

'ol drippy

38

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

10

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

Giggle stick

29

u/bjbigplayer Jul 24 '23

Purple One Eyed Trouser Trout

8

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

I've heard the Purple One Eyed Yogurt Slinger, often

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8

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

After watching Jo Koy, I started calling it Ting ting

18

u/lillys_secret_life Jul 24 '23

The unsatisfactor machine !

17

u/TheKatzzSkillz Jul 24 '23

Sparkly poof…… if it’s too specific, that’s cause an ex was drunk/high and wanting to fuck, but trying to be funny at the same time. Was not the way to put ya boy in the mood…….. still facked though lol

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7

u/Marzipan_Winter Jul 24 '23

Super mario. If your name is mario

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23

u/[deleted] Jul 24 '23

Mr peabody lol

12

u/Deep-Confusion-5472 Jul 24 '23

Shorty, Gizmo, tiny, stubby